Work Text:
5
Lan Xichen was in the library helping Wei Wuxian search for books that would aid him in creating new talismans, when all of a sudden, his brother entered the room, panting and looking slightly worse for wear. Lan Xichen immediately knew something was off when he saw Lan Wangji’s forehead ribbon skewed off to the side.
“Lan Zhan!” Wei Wuxian exclaimed, dropping his books on the table and running to hug his husband, even though Lan Xichen was certain they’d already seen each other that morning.
“Brother, are you alright?” Lan Xichen asked, voice laced with worry.
Lan Wangji adjusted his forehead ribbon and nodded, but he was breathing heavily through his nose.
“Lan Zhan, your face is all warm, and you look exhausted!” Wei Wuxian frowned, inspecting his husband.
“Wangji, did you run here?” Lan Xichen asked in disbelief because running was strictly forbidden and his brother knew that.
Lan Wangji opened his mouth to respond, but suddenly someone else burst into the library.
It was Jiang Cheng.
Lan Xichen was astonished to find that his robes were soaked and his hair was mangled. He was taking in large gulps of air and there was a fierce scowl on his face as droplets of water dripped from his uniform to the floor.
Lan Xichen would’ve never verbally made a comparison between his husband and a water demon but-
“Wanyin-?”
“He pushed me into the Cold Springs!” Jiang Cheng yelled, glaring at Lan Wangji who pointedly avoided his gaze.
Both Lan Xichen and Wei Wuxian froze, looking back and forth between their brothers, waiting for Lan Wangji to refute Jiang Cheng’s claim, but a denial never came.
Lan Xichen pinched the bridge of his nose while Wei Wuxian started cackling hysterically like the maniac he was. Jiang Cheng growled at them, and Zidian was beginning to flicker dangerously across his knuckles.
“Wangji, why would you push my husband into the Cold Springs?” Lan Xichen asked in an exasperated tone. This was certainly not the first time he’d borne witness to their petty...rivalry? Friendship?
He honestly had no idea how to label their relationship.
Lan Wangji just shrugged, and Jiang Cheng made a leap at him while Lan Xichen tried his best to hold him back, but it was no easy task. His husband was short, but definitely not weak.
“Let me at him!” Jiang Cheng yelled making strangling gestures towards Lan Xichen’s little brother.
Lan Xichen sighed again.
Lan Wangji took a small step backwards using Wei Wuxian, who had been laughing through the entire exchange, as a shield.
“You know what you did.” Lan Wangji sounded bitter.
“And what did Wanyin do?” Lan Xichen asked, trying to mediate their fight. Lan Xichen loved his brother and his husband dearly, but sometimes, dealing with them was like dealing with two ill-tempered toddlers. And Wei Wuxian was no help of course.
“Now this sounds interesting!” Wei Wuxian's eyes brightened as he listened in with renewed interest.
Jiang Cheng was silent for a few minutes until he mumbled something incomprehensible.
“Pardon?”
“Say that louder A-Cheng.”
“Speak up.”
Jiang Cheng groaned. “ Fine. For the next Discussion Conference, I made Huaisang put Lan Wangji at a table with Sect Leader Yao instead of me.”
Lan Wangji gave him an icy glare.
“Why would you do that?! Now I’m gonna have to sit with Sect Leader Yao too!” Wei Wuxian cried, throwing his arms up into the air. “You’re so cruel didi.”
“I’m not going to apologize!” Jiang Cheng snapped. “Lan Huan and I had to sit next to him at the last meeting. It’s your turn.”
Lan Xichen felt a smile tugging at his lips. His husband was truly considerate...well in regards to himself at least…
“Wanyin does have a point.” Lan Xichen tried to explain gently. “It’s only fair right?”
Wei Wuxian whined some more but ultimately ended up agreeing with Lan Xichen. Lan Wangji on the other hand-
Before anyone could register what was happening, he was running over to Jiang Cheng, lifting him up and carrying him over his back like a sack of potatoes, and rushing off, with his last words being “Let’s see how you fare with a waterfall this time.”
Jiang Cheng’s screams echoed through Cloud Recesses.
Lan Xichen and Wei Wuxian looked at each other for a split second, before sprinting after them as if their lives...or Jiang Cheng’s life in this case….depended on it.
~
4
Jin Ling had visited Cloud Recesses with his Jiujiu in order to spend time with his friends….and maybe Wei Wuxian but he could never let his Da-jiu know that.
He was pigheaded enough as it was.
Lan Sizhui suggested that since it was nice outside they could do some light training before their hunt that evening.
“I think it’s a great idea! The Young Mistress could definitely use some extra training.” Lan Jingyi narrowly avoided a violent punch to his shoulder.
“A-Yi, A-Ling.” Lan Sizhui shook his head, but his tone was fond. “Why don’t we save the fighting for later, when it’ll be useful?”
“He started it.” Jin Ling mumbled darkly, but at Lan Sizhui’s stunning smile, he acquiesced and together, the three of them made their way to the training grounds only to be met with the sight of-
Well-
“And then after I kill you, I’m going to wear red to your funeral because it’ll be a celebration for me-”
“Mn. Good idea. White robes would wash you out.”
“...You’re not wrong.” Jiang Cheng agreed, and then continued to drag Hanguang-jun by his collar across the field, while all Lan Wangji did was lay there and cross his arms. The back of his head was leaning against Jiang Cheng’s forearm, and he seemed to look relatively comfortable with his predicament.
“Anyways, back to murdering you... Or you could just give it back to me and then I wouldn’t have to kill you.” Jiang Cheng sounded hopeful.
“No.” Lan Wangji responded. “Proceed.”
Jiang Cheng mumbled something rude under his breath and continued pulling Lan Wangji along the grass while talking about what sort of coffin he thought would suit Hanguang-jun best. “I personally think a blue coffin would complement your corpse nicely.”
The juniors looked at each other in fear, and then slowly backed away from...from whatever the fuck that was, but then Lan Jingyi, unable to be quiet under any circumstances, accidentally stepped on a twig. There was a loud snap and then Sect Leader Jiang and Hanguang-jun’s heads whipped towards them.
It was enough to surprise them but not enough to make Jiang Cheng let go of his “prisoner”.
“Jiujiu you’re not actually going to kill Hanguang-jun right?!” Jin Ling blurted out; he wasn’t entirely sure whether or not his uncle was bluffing or not.
“Please don’t kill my father, Sect Leader Jiang.” Lan Sizhui’s eyes were wide as he stared at the two cultivators, but both seemed unphased at being caught.
Lan Jingyi tried to hide behind his friends, using them as shields.
Jiang Cheng rolled his eyes. “Of course I’m not going to kill him...” The juniors instantly sighed with relief until- “...out in the open.” They all tensed up again. Were they now accomplices to murder? And just how had the peerless Hanguang-jun gotten into this position in the first place?
“How can you expect to murder me if you can’t even lift me?” Lan Wangji asked, sounding bored. He was still on the ground, and Jiang Cheng’s grip was still on his collar. “How will you get rid of the body?”
“That’s why I’m practicing!” Jiang Cheng hissed, sounding almost as petulant as Jin Ling was known to be. “And just so you know, I can lift you. I just don’t know how far-”
“Practice harder.”
“You-!”
“I’m sorry, but what the hell is going on?!” Lan Jingyi exclaimed. Jin Ling and Lan Sizhui frantically nodded, wondering the same exact thing.
“Hanguang-jun took something of mine.” Jiang Cheng explained, ignoring the scandalized gasps of the Lan boys. Stealing was against the rules after all, and stealing from a Sect Leader no less- “I’d like it back.”
“It was never yours to begin with.” Lan Wangji said simply.
“Well, it wasn’t yours either!”
“So?”
“ So? Really Lan Wangji?-”
“I will not give it back.”
“Then I will kill you.”
“Go ahead.” Lan Wangji invited him, fully aware that Jiang Cheng was bluffing. The worst thing he’d probably do was rat on him to his husband and then Lan Xichen would lecture him on why stealing is never okay and then make him apologize-
Actually, now that he thought it over, Lan Wangji decided death was probably the better option.
Jiang Cheng finally let go of Lan Wangji’s collar to tug at his own hair in frustration. Jin Ling was worried his Jiujiu was going to explode.
“Forgive me, but what exactly are you two arguing over?” Lan Sizhui interjected.
“My turtle.” They said in unison and then glared at each other.
“She’s my turtle. I found her first!”
“I was there when you found her.”
“And who’s the one who said I could keep her?”
“I changed my mind.”
“You can’t just change your mind you little-”
The juniors all looked at each, incredulously, and then discreetly shuffled away, leaving the two other men alone to bicker with each other, and in Jiang Cheng’s case, throw around empty death threats.
In the end, they decided to co-parent the turtle, citing that she would stay in Lotus Pier during the summer months and Gusu during the winter ones.
Jiang Cheng was only a little disappointed that, consequently, he would have to wait to be able to make use of his sketch of Lan Wangji’s coffin. He’d put a lot of time and effort into designing it. Even Lan Wangji was impressed with how it turned out.
Wei Wuxian and Lan Xichen decidedly were not.
~
3
“Just act natural.” Jiang Cheng hissed under his breath, sticking his head out from behind the building they were using to hide themselves, and surveying the path. It was empty. Now was the perfect time to make their escape.
“Mn.” Lan Wangji nodded.
“I mean it.” Jiang Cheng emphasized. “Do not screw this up for us.”
“I won’t.” Lan Wangji replied. He sounded irritated. Then again, they’d been hiding out behind the kitchen a while now, and the sun was already beginning to rise. It was surely 5 am at this point.
“Okay. On three. Ready?”
“Mn. One.”
“Two.”
“Wangji? Wanyin?” Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji would attest, to this day, that they did not jump and Jiang Cheng did not shriek like a baby.
“Brother.”
“Lan Huan!”
Lan Xichen knew he would regret asking but his curiosity got the better of him,“What are you two doing here? I noticed you weren’t in bed this morning, Wanyin, so I came to look for you and-” Lan Xichen paused, noticing the mysterious bulge in Lan Wangji’s stomach area.
Noticing his gaze, Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji looked at each other, wide-eyed and then looked back at Lan Xichen who looked even more confused.
“He’s gaining weight.” Jiang Cheng blurted at the same time Lan Wangji stated, “I’m pregnant.”
Lan Xichen gaped at them.
They shook their heads and tried again.
“He’s pregnant.”
“I’m gaining weight.”
Lan Wangji sighed and Jiang Cheng slapped himself on the forehead with his palm.
“Why would you even say you’re pregnant? That doesn’t even make any sense. You’re a man .” Jiang Cheng snapped, throwing his hands in the air. “ And a top .” He added after a beat.
“Well-”
Jiang Cheng winced, “I don’t want to hear it.”
“Why would you say I’m fat then?”
“I didn’t say you were fat, I said you were gaining weight , there’s a difference!”
“...I frequently eat less than you.”
“...Are you calling me fat?”
“Well-”
Suddenly Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji remembered that they’d been caught. They tried to back away from Lan Xichen, feigning innocence, but in their efforts to look less suspicious, they only ended up adding to Lan Xichen’s concern. However, because they were walking backwards, they hadn’t been able to see where they were going. Lan Wangji stumbled over an errant rock and Jiang Cheng tried to stabilize him, but in doing so, what Hanguang-jun was hiding in his robes fell directly in Lan Xichen’s line of sight.
They were apples. Red apples to be precise. There were at least fifteen of them, if not more. It was almost comical how they tumbled out his robes and rolled away.
Lan Xichen opened and closed his mouth again and again, but wasn’t able to get any words out.
“Shit!” Jiang Cheng cried out as he and Lan Wangji knelt to quickly gather the fruits in their arms.
Lan Xichen wondered if either of them knew how ridiculous they looked.
“Ummm, we can explain!” Jiang Cheng said, looking at his husband with pleading eyes. Lan Xichen raised a single eyebrow.
“Go on.”
“Ummmm…”
“We are raising an army of turtles.” Lan Wangji interjected and then rushed off, presumably leaving Jiang Cheng to deal with the fallout.
“What he said.” And then Jiang Cheng was off as well, but not before tacking on a sincere, “Let’s have lunch later! Love you!” at the end while he ran away, making sure the apples didn’t fall onto the ground.
“I love you too?” Lan Xichen scratched his head, but he knew better than to mull over his husband and his brother’s antics.
That would only leave him with a headache.
~
2
“Apologies for intruding but-”
Jiang Cheng screeched and threw the covers over him and Lan Xichen, though Lan Huan was far less exposed seeing as he’d been under Jiang Cheng the entire time.
“ Wangji .” For once, Lan Xichen’s voice wasn't kind and inviting. In fact, it was quite the opposite really and it would’ve turned Jiang Cheng on if not for their current situation.
“I need Jiang Wanyin’s help.” Lan Wangji sounded as unbothered as ever. “It is urgent.”
Jiang Cheng felt like he was going to cry.
“Can’t it wait?” Jiang Cheng snapped, turning his head over his shoulder to glare at Lan Wangji. “I was kind of busy if you hadn’t noticed.”
“You can sleep with Brother later-” Jiang Cheng and Lan Xichen choked. “I require your assistance immediately.”
Jiang Cheng cursed whatever Gods controlled the Universe because really? Which deity had he offended so grievously as to have to deny himself his husband in exchange for helping his good-for-nothing brother in law?
Jiang Cheng looked pleadingly towards Lan Xichen, but his husband just gave him a gentle and understanding look and that made Jiang Cheng want to cry even more.
“Fine. Just get out.” And at that, Lan Wangji silently left the room.
Jiang Cheng pulled on his robes and gave Lan Xichen a longing kiss before leaving the Hanshi. When exited, he found Lan Wangji waiting a few meters away. Jiang Cheng stomped over to him, glowering.
Lan Wangji bowed his head courteously, but Jiang Cheng knew that was all just for show.
“What do you want?” Jiang Cheng felt himself becoming more and more impatient the longer they stayed outside.
“Nothing.”
Jiang Cheng paused, going dangerously still. “What do you mean, nothing? ”
“I do not need anything from you.” Lan Wangji explained, keep his face blank.
Jiang Cheng wondered if this was it; this was the day he’d qi deviate.
“Lan Wangji! What the fuck?!” Jiang Cheng screamed, taking Lan Wangji by the lapels of his robes and shaking him like a madman. "Do you want to die?!"
Lan Wangji let him, not bothering to keep the amusement off his face. When Jiang Cheng was done, when his arms had finally gotten tired, he looked to Lan Wangji, demanding an explanation.
“Do you remember the last Discussion Conference?”
Jiang Cheng saw red. “If this about me putting you next to Sect Leader Yao, I swear I’ll-!”
“No.” And then, “Do you remember that night?”
Jiang Cheng shook his head. He’d gotten pretty wasted during dinner, so most of it had been a blur.
“I just remember being drunk.”
“ Mn.” Lan Wangji confirmed, with feeling behind it. “Brother was preoccupied with other Sect Leaders, so he left you in Wei Ying and I’s care for the entire night. ”
“But that was a year ago!” Jiang Cheng cried, putting the pieces of the puzzle together, “You’re still mad that I cockblocked you? For one night? ”
Lan Wangji shook his head. “Not anymore. Now we’re even.”
Jiang Cheng wanted to throttle him.
“Have a nice night, Sect Leader Jiang.” Lan Wangji bowed again and then began walking away.
“Go to hell!”
And then Jiang Cheng began walking away as well, not expecting the snide “You first.” from Lan Wangji in response.
~
1
“Please? Just one spoonful, that’s all I’m asking.”
Lan Wangji shook his head, eyeing the bowl of soup with wary eyes. It certainly didn’t look as red or smell as spicy as anything Wei Wuxian had ever made him, but Lan Wangji knew his sensitive taste buds wouldn’t survive.
“You said it yourself. You and brother have a similar palate, so if you like it then he will.” Jiang Cheng pushed the bowl closer to Lan Wangji. “So try it.”
“No.”
“It’s for our anniversary! I want him to have something nice to eat for once-”
“Perhaps he could just eat you instead.”
Jiang Cheng’s face went redder than the soup, “You-!”
Lan Wangji remained unmoved. “I won’t eat it.”
“Please?”
“No.”
“I’ll never make you sit next to Sect Leader Yao in my place ever again.”
“Liar.”
“Okay, you’re right..” Jiang Cheng sighed but persisted, “Just one spoonful, Lan Wangji. Please? Then I’ll leave you alone.”
Lan Wangji, already tired from a long day of work, finally sighed and gave in, if only to shut Jiang Cheng up. He drank a spoonful of the soup. At first he was shocked to find that it actually tasted good and wasn’t wreaking havoc on his taste buds.
But this didn’t last very long.
As soon as Lan Wangji opened his mouth to comment on the dish, he felt as though his mouth had suddenly caught on fire. His eyes began to water and he could feel his face heating up at the burning sensation on his tongue.
He was irritated, though not surprised, to see Jiang Cheng cackling at his reaction.
He most likely hadn’t even needed Lan Wangji’s help in the first place.
“Is it too spicy?” He asked, in a polite tone that hardly ever accompanied his voice when he spoke to Hanguang-jun. It just confirmed Lan Wangji’s suspicions even more. “My apologies, Hanguang-jun.”
“Piss off, Sect Leader Jiang.”
~
+1
Wei Wuxian woke up to an empty bed, but that wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. Lan Zhan was usually up before the sun most mornings, and he would always let Wei Wuxian sleep in because his husband was kind and wonderful like that.
What Wei Wuxian did not expect was the envelope sitting on his bedside table.
It was addressed to him specifically. Curious, Wei Wuxian opened it and pulled out the contents.
It was an invitation. Not to a wedding but to a-
“Wei Ying. We request your presence at the remembrance ceremony of our beloved Zhengui. I don’t actually want you there, but your idiot husband insisted. The ceremony begins promptly at 6 pm near the waterfall in the forest. So don’t be late you idiot, or else. Please wear the robes located in the bathroom.
-With Love,
Lan Wangji and Jiang Wanyin
“Who the hell is Zhengui?” Wei Wuxian muttered to himself, tapping his nose in confusion. He took a peek at the robes that had been left for him in the bathroom; they were essentially just white Lan robes without the cloud patterns on them.
He wondered how they’d gotten a hold of them in the first place.
He shook his head in confusion and left to go about his day, assisting with classes and strolling through the Recesses, until it was the evening time and he’d almost forgotten about the funeral.
Multiple questions ran through his mind. Why are we having a funeral in the middle of the woods? How did they have the time to prepare this? And seriously, who the hell is Zhengui? What narcissistic parents would literally name their child ‘Precious’?
Nevertheless, Wei Wuxian dressed in the robes, feeling completely out of character in such light colors, and made his way to the forest, bumping into Lan Xichen on the way.
His brother-in-law was also dressed for the funeral.
They gave each other a helpless look and continued into the forest. Eventually, they arrived at the clearing near the waterfall.
The three juniors were present and all of them, even Jin Ling, were dressed in white. Lan Jingyi was wiping his tears from his eyes with the back of his robe, and Jin Ling somberly offered him a handkerchief. Wei Wuxian had rarely seen Lan Sizhui look so distraught.
Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji, clad in white robes like everyone else, were standing side by side in front of the group, holding white lilies in their hands.
They were whispering intently to each other and Wei Wuxian could barely pick up their conversation:
“I told you white would wash you out.”
“Oh piss off.”
But what startled Wei Wuxian and Lan Xichen the most, was the sheer amount of turtles present. There were turtles, all different shapes and sizes, crowded into the small clearing, lazily milling about and munching on the apple slices strewn across the ground for them. There were at least a dozen of them, excluding three that were cradled in each junior’s arms.
“Ummm.” At Wei Wuxian’s voice, Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji stopped talking and greeted him and Lan Xichen.
“We are grateful you received the invitation.” Lan Wangji said. Jiang Cheng nodded. They each picked up one of the smaller turtles from the ground and handed it to their respective brothers.
Wei Wuxian and Lan Xichen accepted them with wide eyes. Satisfied, Lan Wangji and Jiang Cheng continued their whispered conversation.
“Xichen-ge…” Wei Wuxian muttered under his breath and into Lan Xichen’s ear, not taking his eye off of his brother or his husband. “Is this...is this a cult?”
Lan Xichen just sighed in resignation and began petting the turtle, picking up an apple slice so he could feed it. “Perhaps.”
Wei Wuxian opened his mouth to press on, but then Jiang Cheng was clapping his hands and Lan Wangji was using fire talismans to light the candles... Wait since when had there been candles-
“We are gathered here today to remember Zhengui.” Lan Wangji began.
“She was precious.” Jiang Cheng continued. “Her death will not be in vain.”
Lan Jingyi let out a particularly loud sob at that even though he’d only met the turtle a week ago.
Wei Wuxian and Lan Xichen gave each other a look.
“Would anyone like to say a few words to remember her bye?”
“I didn’t even know they had turtles...” Wei Wuxian mumbled, still stunned.
“I didn’t think they were serious about raising an army.” Lan Xichen muttered back.
“What-”
“I would.” Lan Sizhui said, and then took out a piece of paper from his robes. “Zhengui wasn’t just a turtle. She was a symbol of the best of us. She was brave, courageous, kind-”
How can a turtle be kind? Wei Wuxian was beginning to lose his mind.
“And most of all she was loved. So loved. We and the rest of her children will miss her dearly.”
When Lan Sizhui was done he bowed and sat back down, receiving praise from everyone else around him.
“Thank you A-Yuan.” Lan Wangji said. “Is there anyone-”
“Why did she have to die?!” Lan Jingyi blurted, startling the turtle in his arms. Jin Ling snatched his handkerchief back and used it to dab at his own eyes and then at Lan Sizhui’s.
Neither of them had known Zhengui for more than a couple of days either.
“‘Tis life, Jingyi.” Jiang Cheng said and Lan Jingyi nodded, morosely.
There were a few more speeches, most of them being brief anecdotes from Jiang Cheng or Lan Wangji, and a few bows, and though it wasn’t a traditional funeral by any means, Wei Wuxian had a feeling Zhengui would’ve appreciated it, though he wouldn’t know that because he never met her…
And she was a turtle...
But that was beside the point.
Once everything was said and done, the juniors made their way out of the forest, reluctantly leaving the turtles behind.
“They’ll be safe here.” Lan Wangji reassured them.
Once they were gone, Jiang Cheng and Lan Wangji approached their husbands.
“We’re glad you two came.” Jiang Cheng said, ignoring the turtle that was walking over his feet. One of them was trying to eat Lan Wangji’s ankle.
Was Wei Wuxian confused? Yes.
Was he worried that this turtle army was eventually going to overpower Gusu and take over Cloud Recesses in one fell swoop? Also yes.
But-
Wei Wuxian glanced at Lan Xichen and the two shared a smile.
“We’re glad we came too.”
~