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Chapter Text

It was a casual Monday morning. As a rule, every 9 to 5er in this country irrespective of their love for their jobs are bound to be allergic to Mondays at some point, and I was no exception to this rule.

Having said that, I have been an exception to quite a few classic conventions. For example, I had taken up civil engineering by choice. Also, I'm gay. Not that I opted for engineering because I'm gay, but a lot of people might assume that. Even more so when they meet me, because I fit into almost all possible gay stereotypes in the world. I wear brightly coloured clothes, love shopping, have a couple of tattoos, drink iced coffee, can't sit straight and I'm the most over the top extrovert you can find in a room who commands attention.
The overall way I represent myself in front of the world is a little feminine but I like it that way. Honestly, there's no harm in letting people know your real sexuality after being compelled to suppress it for so many years. However, what I do have a problem with are people's judgemental glances and snooty remarks which have helped me acquire a PHD in savage comebacks over the years.

The real reason why I chose to be an engineer though is the fact that dedication is my middle name. I put my heart and soul into everything I willingly do and this has been the sole reason why I was able to earn the most impossible and madly coveted position by the Indian middle class students - 20th rank in JEE and a seat in the IITs. Although my honesty and refusal to resort to any sort of corrupt means have been a hurdle from time to time, I've managed to earn myself a decent and well paying job in the city of Bangalore. So, I mostly live a comfortably boring life which I try to make 'happening' in the weekends but miserably fail at it, courtesy my company and it's motive to keep it's employees on their toes.

So here I was in Mr. Kane's office on the fifth floor of a towering building, my workplace, when the resume of a certain newly appointed employee was handed to me.

"Sir, new recruit? At this time of the year?", I asked.
"Yes, you know Vikram was fired last month in the middle of a project. So we immediately need a replacement", he explained.

Mr. Kane is my boss, the head supervisor and manager of the Bangalore headquarters of a leading Japanese construction firm in India, K&K Pvt Ltd. He's a decent man under normal circumstances and an extreme workaholic.
Japanese people are workaholics by nature, but Mr. Kane expects all his Indian employees to be as dedicated to their job as he is. Nothing annoys him as much as employees who prioritise anything above their work. This has resulted in the abrupt firing of three employees in the last two years.

I'm my boss's go to person when any sort of communication has to be done with any unfamiliar person. So my fun & fabulous self was given the responsibility of helping this new joinee settle in.

I opened the resume file.

Jayanta Kumar. A pass out from IIT Kharagpur. The newly appointed Junior Construction Engineer, K&K Pvt Ltd.

A small man walked out of the elevator behind the glass doors. He had a short and lean frame. The expression on his face spelt frustration in capital letters.

Strangely enough, my heart skipped a beat.

"There goes my gay ass again", I murmured & went ahead to have a full conversation with myself.

"Oh look at that cutie!"
"Shut up Chayan. He's new here and you're NOT supposed to creep him out. He's too simple for your taste anyway."
"But just look at that crinkle between his eyebrows! Cuteness overload."

My palms started to feel sweaty. Everything around me slowly blurred out as I focused on the said stranger whose spring-like side parted hair flipped as he looked from side to side in utter confusion.

"The definition of love at first sight."
"Oh oh stop here my hopeless romantic, you're gonna give SRK a run for his money!"

One look at his resigned expression and a desire to protect him pooled inside my heart. Most people who know me believe that I have a special ability to make strangers feel instantly comfortable around me. Time to put that to use. I quickly regained my composure and walked straight towards him, determined to replace that cute nose scrunch with a beautiful smile.

"Hi. I'm Chayan. Chayan Roy", I approached him. "I think I know who you are...but would you like to introduce yourself?"

I extended a hand towards him for a handshake and tried to flash a wide smile at him with all the warmth I could muster.

For a moment he looked startled, but then he replied-

"Oh! Myself Jayanta Kumar."
"Nice to meet you", I greeted. "Welcome to our company. Here's wishing you a fabulous first day."
"Thanks". His lips cracked into a small smile.
I think he didn't notice my hand so I tried again.
"Oh sorry", he awkwardly extended his hand towards me. "Nice to meet you too."

Soon after, our hands met, and all the butterflies slumbering in my stomach fluttered in unison signalling the start of something new. All this while I was mocking myself for being so smitten with a man I just met. But at this exact moment, a quiet excitement lingering in my gut told me I was in for a ride. At that singular moment, I knew for sure that this was the start of something precious, something worthwhile...

Chapter Text

(3 days ago)

Dear Diary,

                  I don't even know what I'm doing with my life anymore. Every moment feels like hell. Today when the Udyan Express lazily arrived on the Bangalore City station platform, I was standing near my compartment gate with my luggage, completely frozen.

                 The blinking lights on the platform, the steel railings of the overbridge and the big yellow banner announcing the name of the station felt blurred, hazy. I tried to blink several times in order to focus, but even my eyelids felt numb.

                 As the train came to a screeching halt, I felt a sharp push on my back. Still my legs refused to move. I let myself be thrust to one side by the rushing crowd of people making their way to the gate.

                A voice of consciousness in my brain told me I was being nudged at to move forward and alight from the train. I faintly heard some insults being thrown at me for blocking the passage. I couldn't care less as my body, mind and heart continued to wrestle with each other. 

                My nerves were stiff and my heart was restless as it thumped a little too hard against my chest. I could feel sweat trickling down my forehead.

                What was I even here for? A private office, a narrow cubicle and a job I hate with my guts (also I'm horrible at it) - civil engineering, leaving behind the glory of a vast stage, shining costumes and theatrical dialogues. All that sacrifice for a handsome salary and a so called "secure job" and "settled life". 

               "Coward", my heart yelled at me. 

               Should I get down? Do I belong here? 

              The piercing noise of the train whistle brought me out of my trance. My legs sprang into motion as I jumped off the train, dragging my bags along.

              Once settled on a partly broken platform bench, I had a strong urge to look at my appointment letter. I reached for my pocket and unfolded it.

              Disgust. That word is an understatement for the sheer sense of worthlessness I was feeling in that moment. A letter which I was desperate to have during my campus placement days now meant nothing but a doomed life for me. But isn't that what we've been taught since childhood? To accept whatever is supposed to be "destined" for us without question or complaint...

             Amitabh Bachchan still had his height, I don't even have that. He was right. Resigned, I walked towards the exit.

            Now sitting in an empty apartment in the face of an unwanted future, I feel void, directionless. It's 11:30 pm and I still haven't had my dinner. I'm not hungry, and I don't expect myself to be. The least I could hope right now is to grab some sleep tonight, but I have no doubt insomnia would strike at the right time. You're the only friend I have in this unknown city, away from family, friends and well wishers. Well, not really well wishers, I guess.

            Anyway, bye till tomorrow. I don't know if I'll ever be able to live again, but for now, I'm only existing... 

                                                                                                                                                       - Yours, 

                                                                                                                                                         Jai.

Chapter Text

"Hello everyone. Good morning sir. This is Jayanta, hopefully our new team member. Jayanta meet the Bangalore Metro Project management team. This is Vidyut, this is Sonal, Shashi and Pritam. This is Mr. Haru, the head engineer", I introduced Mr. Cutie to everyone.

For some reason he threatened to break into a laugh on hearing the last sentence but controlled himself and continued shaking hands.

"He's Japanese right?", he whispered to me.
"Yes. What's so funny?", I whispered back.

Haru sir left the room and our team went into a full on chit-chat mode.

Sonal started off, "So...first day huh! Welcome to a company which will either fire you or make you resign latest by three years.""

In short, this is nothing like the dream job any IIT scholar would wanna join. So be advised", added Pritam.

"I'm well aware of the risks", said Jayanta with a hapless sigh. "Some people aren't lucky enough to choose what they would do."

"Ooh! Another startup guy. You know what, three of us here had a startup idea too but a healthy thing to do after college is to come out of your fantasy land and accept the reality. Although your luck is not that bad! I mean first job, first day and you got a mega project", Sonal mused.

"Right, but that's not due to luck", I joined in. "His interview must have been good, his resume is praiseworthy and of course he's an IITian. People do get jobs on merits."

"But how do you know he's been selected already? Eh! You're not confirmed yet, okay? Don't listen to this fruit. Anyway he smokes up God knows what at night to develop weird tendencies", Vidyut snapped at Jayanta.

He winced at that statement but said nothing.

"Don't you get tired of your disgusting jokes? I wonder what you smoke up to completely deplete your common sense", I retorted.

Leaving Jayanta in the room with the team I went to fetch his ID card. They were probably trying to gossip about some homophobic shit but he was least bothered, lost in his own world of a misfortune which was yet unknown to me.

I soon returned to take him to his cubicle which was (oh so fortunately) beside mine. I tried to initiate small talk.

"So where are you from?"
"I'm from Rajasthan."
"Oh. Where exactly in Rajasthan?" (As if I had ever been there!)
"Khairthal. A small town...umm...small village", he stuttered.

Fuck it. This wasn't working.

"Do you mind telling me what's eating you currently?" I blurted out with a facade of casualness.
He brushed it off saying, "don't bother it's nothing."
"I might look like it but I'm not that big of a fool. In case you don't wanna tell me what your issue is, it's fine."

Haru sir entered our cabin and explained to him his first assignment which had just been mailed. I carefully understood his task while pretending to not listen. After Haru sir's departure I wished him all the best.
"This assignment will decide whether you'll be finalized for this project or not. So give your 100% and don't hesitate to ask me if you need any help", I reassured him.

After all it was the slo-mo kind of love at first sight. I didn't know yet if he was into men but at least I deserved a chance to find out. What better opportunity than to impress him at a construction camp? So I desperately wanted him to get selected for this project. We could spend time together, maybe share earphones...

"No thanks." His reply broke my train of thoughts. I went back to work.

Coming to think of it, I didn't have much to do at that point. So I glanced sideways at the pretty view on my left. His eyebrows were furrowed hard in concentration as a pen twitched in his right hand. The single metal earring on his right ear shone as it reflected the light.
I would have continued my indulgent staring had he not been visibly struggling.

"Are you facing any problem?", I inquired.

"No. It's fine."

He rejected my offer and I steered away. Ten minutes passed, and then twenty. His pen's cap was still being flicked at while he stared around everywhere in the room except at his own work, occasionally changing his position on the chair.

I offered him help multiple times, but he rejected. Every single time. He said he could manage. I know it's not ideal to judge people so quickly but I could say he was quite a bad engineer for an IITian. There were just a few basic technical faults in the design which he was taking an hour to fix. In fact, more than that, because an hour had passed and he had neither drawn or written a single line.

I decided I had to help him in spite of his refusal if he had to submit his design within the next two hours and get selected. But that would mean one apparently inefficient member in a team of seven. Not a very good situation to create - but then again I wanted him in the team.

Fuck it. A second time. Everything's fair in love and war.

"Listen buddy there's no use wasting time. I understand that you might have a startup idea or something and this isn't your dream job or you aren't in the headspace to do work but if you don't let me help you right now there's no way you can submit your design-"

"Shut up! Will you shut up please!", he burst out. "I repeatedly told you I don't need any help and yet you're bothering me God knows why. I'm fine on my own okay? I can do things too!"

I stared at him with my mouth open, frozen in place.

"And what is this 'startup' 'startup' drama you guys are talking about from the morning? I'm not a goddamn startup founder. Who told you I wanna do a startup? Why does everyone's brain work in the same direction?", he yelled at me.

Despite the initial shock, the last sentence made me ponder.
I murmured to myself, "why does everyone's brain work in the same direction? That's a million dollar question I've been searching the answer for since eternity."

The whole office was naturally looking at us by that time. People love drama, but no one had the guts to report or solve the conflict. No one wanted to. Me being at the receiving end of any sort of flak whatsoever was one of the most delightful occurrences for most of our colleagues (for obvious reasons). I wondered why I even worked there. Backbiting about me was everyone's favourite hobby and my newfound reason to come to work daily had just lashed out at me for no reason.

The said newfound reason currently facepalmed himself and sat still with his elbows on his desk.
I told everyone to go back to work and concentrated on own my job at hand.

Fifteen minutes later, a timid voice from my left said, "listen. I'm having some issues with this. Can you please help"...

.
.
.

At the end of the day an exhausted but content looking Jayanta Kumar lazily trotted towards his cubicle with the other team members. I was still on my way there with a mug of coffee in my hand (overtime, duh!). So I watched from afar.

Pritam said, "congratulations. Welcome to a team of a sulky team leader, three gossip lovers, an unsocial introvert and that twink right there."

"He has a name, Chayan. Kindly call him that instead of using your disrespectful nicknames", reprimanded Jayanta.

Everyone's expression went from shock to ridicule.

"Okay fine chill! Please don't get started again. We better leave."

"Congrats!", I said from behind.
Jayanta slowly turned around and reluctantly met my eyes.

"That was...that was way too rude an outburst. I just...vented out on the wrong person at the wrong time. I'm sorry", he said in a defeated voice.

"It's okay, leave that. You got the project!", I cheered.

"Not without you're help. Thank you so much. Really, I don't have any excuse. Can I make it up to you someway?"

"Well...by fighting my brainless bullies on my behalf, I think you've more than made up for it."

For a second he looked confused, and then he smiled and replied, "oh that! I've never personally been homophobic actually."
"Shows", I remarked. "But you might be racist..."
"No, why would you say that?"
"Then why did you laugh today morning when I told you that Haru sir is Japanese?"

His quizzical expression instantly gave way to bouts of full laughter. Hearing it for the first time was an experience in itself and I was certain that it would retain it's magic each time I would hear it.

"Not...because...he's Japanese", he giggled. "Haru was one of my most embarrassing nicknames. Everyone calls me Jai but my grandfather called me Haru, which means the opposite of my real nickname. I used to lose so badly at every game I played with him!"

I smiled, both at the story and the charm of the storyteller.

'Haru' in Japanese means something along the lines of spring or sunlight, a perfect description of the new bloom he had brought into my toxic work life.

He was turning to leave when I said, "hey! Can I call you Jai if you don't mind?"

"Yeah sure, why not? Okay bye."

He left with a dimpled grin which reflected on my own face. The sound of his rich laughter was still echoing in my ears.

"Jai", I repeated and sat down to work. My gloomy overtime routine had just gotten better.

Chapter Text

Faint noises, loud thuds and loads of collapsed cardboard boxes comprised the general dusty atmosphere in our branch campus' backyard storeroom. Construction workers and their helpers who were busy loading the big trucks with raw materials and machinery occasionally greeted me as I entered the main building. 

I could have easily entered through the main gate, you see, but I chose to observe the materials and efforts that are being put in to convert our designs into structures. 

After what it felt like centuries, I had something to look forward to at work. A month after Jai's joining date, we were leaving for a fourteen day stay at the construction camps which were mid-way between the 300 km under construction metro lines passing through some of the most odd and interior locations surrounding the city. This was supposed to be the eleventh longest metro system in the world and the longest with direct commute. 

Everyone in the team was aware of the gravity of this project and the fact that Mr. Haru would ensure everyone was working their asses off to wind up our initial supervision within the given time. But that didn't matter to me, because I believe good company can make any experience seem heavenly and Jai was supposed to come with us!

The office area was also echoing with similar noises, but in English. A main team of seven engineers along with a few departmental teams consisting a total of twenty members were setting out from the headquarters to the said location. 

As I approached my cabin, Jai flashed a wide nervous grin at me.

"Hi! Excited?", I asked.

"Aaanh… I don't know", he said bluntly.

"Why? You should be. Everyone's not fortunate enough to be part of such important projects."

"You may say so." He shrugged his shoulders. "What's good luck for you might not be the same for me, right?"

"Point, but why bring everything down to luck? You've worked hard for this position."

"Hard work isn't everything", he sighed and strode out of the office leaving me utterly confused once again. 

Something was so mysterious about this man. Something about the constant conflict in his eyes that irked me. Even when he would be smiling or laughing, it was almost as if he had this lingering sadness, this guilt and longing for something I was yet to know of, and it worried me to no extent that he was trying to hide it. I didn't blame him though. Why would someone reveal anything about their supposed dark past to a random colleague at their new workplace?

Okay maybe that was a lie. I might be just a colleague but not a random one.

Over the past month we had bonded quite well. I could feel that. In most of his conversations with others he would either try to conceal the hurt in his eyes and act polite or act awkward while bickering in low tones.

Whereas with me, he was free…somewhat. He knew he could outright shout at me if he felt an impulse to or show me the unshed tears in his eyes if he would…and I would try to comfort him. Without question. Without judgement. He just knew. 

So we could have conversations, you know? Real ones, minus the awkwardness. 

These occasional tea break or lunch time conversations would range from anything regarding sports or general news to even our childhoods. He would tell me how his whole family would be after his life to smash cake on his face during his birthday, or how the election times spelled festivity for him with people of the whole area coming over & exchanging sweets (his favourite being ladoos) with his politically involved family. 

But he never talked about what happened after that...and very mysteriously...he never talked about movies. 

I remember him casually mentioning that his favourite actor is SRK, but when I tried to proceed in that direction, his increasing discomfort compelled me to steer our conversation to the safe side. Since then I couldn't help but wonder why he wouldn't speak about this topic. 

One day I decided to propose the idea of a casual hangout outside of work. He seemed very enthusiastic at first but the moment I mentioned it was gonna be a movie date (well…not really but...bless my soul!) his eyes immediately dropped to the ground. One of his hands came up to rub the back of his neck. Twisting his metal earring while still looking down, he murmured, "I've not been-  into-  watching movies lately". 

Since then my urge to get to know him truly only grew by the day but these ever so often cryptic statements with pessimistic undertones only left me more and more perplexed.

I followed him into the traveller car. He grabbed a window seat and I sat down beside him. The motors roared and we set off with a jerk.

The highway was more or less deserted at morning hours and we rode at a slow pace. I had never sat so close to Jai before. I could feel his arm brushing against mine during the swift jerks and perhaps this was the only time in my life when I prayed for more holes or bumpers on the road.

Jai was absently looking outside the window.

Under normal circumstances I would have done that too. The greenery on both sides of the highway contrasting the colourful reflectors indeed made a pleasant scenery. But my mind was spinning with a thousand unasked questions. The close proximity between us further tempted me to voice them. 

'Come on Chayan. Ask him! He's right beside you, this is the time!', prompted my brain, but a lump stuck near my throat had a different story to tell.

"Mints?", was all I could manage.

"Hmm", he mumbled, still looking outside.

I clumsily opened my bag and slipped two mint candies into his hand. He took them but didn't eat. I popped two myself hoping that he will, too.

Moments passed and I once again struggled to initiate a conversation. I tried hard to formulate something to say inside my head but to no avail. So I closed my eyes and buried my face in my hands trying to contemplate what I could ask. Should I ask him about himself? If at all where do I start? What is the surety that he will oblige me with the answers? What is the surety that he wouldn't become even more closed off than before?

After some time I felt a nudge on my arm. I looked up to see Jai looking at me.

He asked, "Chayan, we are… kind of… friends right?"

"I think we are. Why?"

"I wanted to ask you something."

"Go ahead", I assured him with a smile.

"Why do you love your job?"

Okay. I should have seen this coming, but I hadn't. I was too busy admiring his intriguing personality which apparently had many layers to peel, completely forgetting that he might not be as 'different' as I thought him to be after all. 

Everyone's first perception of him as a 'passionate' gen-y meant to be stuck forever in the corporate world might actually be true. 

That question had begun to prick at the wonderful image of him I had formed in my mind. I ducked my head and let out a long sigh to express how tired I was of answering that question, but he continued to stare expectantly. 

So I gave up on non-verbal signals and considered replying. I started in a slow and pseudo calm manner but my annoyance at cliches was clearly showing. 

"Look. I know all of you think that a construction job is 'boring' and that every salaried person secretly has a 'passion' that he could not follow because of poverty or a discouraging family. Please believe me that's not what's up with everyone. The world doesn't work according to the crap Bollywood is preaching at all, and therefore some people do find 'safe' and regular jobs interesting because they really wanna do that shit. So can you please stop with these questions?"

Shit.

Jai looked taken aback by my sudden rant. Despite, there were traces of concern on his face.

"Sorry I didn't mean it that way", he apologized.

I slowly looked down and facepalmed once more.

He started to explain, "I might be dumb but not to that extent. I know how passionate you are about your work and how much dedication you put into what you do. True connections formed with people or things definitely differ from person to person, so I would never question why you even love your job in the first place. I just wanted to know why exactly you do so."

I looked up at him. He continued.

"See I understand the seriousness of this project and the privilege of being a part of it. It's a huge milestone for our country and it requires dedicated engineers like you to make this work. But you know very well that I'm not as good as you and neither can I try to be, because motivation won't come to me until I find the thrill of doing what I do. I hate where life is taking me right now...but this is a huge responsibility, and now that I'm here, I wanna do it properly. Instead of sitting and sulking I want to make some genuine effort to at least try to enjoy this and extract work out of my useless self, and that's where I want you to come in. If you offer to show me the bright side, it will help me to behave decently and be moderately productive in these fourteen days.

Also, I don't watch  Bollywood movies and I don't believe in its crap. So can you please enlighten me on the likeable aspects of what pop culture considers a boring job?"

.

.

.

The journey went on smooth and breezy with no more bumps on the highway, but the sunlight dancing patterns on Jai's face and the wind ruffling his hair made a view which more than compensated for it.

As I unraveled the magic of creation & the fulfillment that accompanies this knowledge that my contribution exists in the roads we walk on and the houses we live in and that it will continue to exist long after I'm gone, he listened in rapt attention.

I took a closer look at his face. Jai's expression was inquisitive, eager, but for the first time, devoid of any defeat.

All along it used to be as if he already knew the answers to all his questions, the solutions to all his problems, but his inability to get at them was eating him up.

This time around, I saw receptiveness, the want to really figure things out instead of the sheen of wetness in his eyes.

"Chayan?"

"Oh sorry I - what was I talking about?"

"Yeah the way you look around at buildings and bridges and relish the reality that your thought has been put into making those."

"Wow! Word by word. I'm impressed."

"Only sometimes, I actually listen instead of screaming at other people."

"You should do that more often, as I have loads of Ted talks to give. So any problem in life, consult your personal motivational speaker."

"Thank you very much! Chayan Maheshwari ji."

"Anytime."

Brownie points to me for not struggling to converse but going with the flow. Well done, try it again.

"Now I know I told you so many good things about construction engineering but do not expect anything about the next few days of field work to be rosy at all. Usually on Mr. Haru's projects people work day and night and even fall sick. So be prepared for some hardcore challenging stuff and additional Japanese abuses if you're not able to do your job according to his liking."

He twitched his lips and gave me a lopsided smile. 

"It'll be fine", he said. "You're here."

This time there was no need for a bumper. After saying the last two words in a matter of fact manner he slipped his palm into mine and closed his fingers on to it. My eyes fell shut automatically as I felt his touch. He slowly turned away to look outside.

We sat hand in hand for the rest of the way, looking at our own respective treat to the eyes, lost in our own thoughts...but bound in trust. He knew whatever may come, I'll always be there, and this was the first step. I was intent on strengthening this bond in order for him to be able to pour his heart out and finally get some happiness in life.

Why was I doing this? I didn't know. I still don't know. Fate had designs, I guess?

.

.

.

Our vehicle came to a halt and we got off, hands still connected. Only when I had to take out my umbrella did I reluctantly leave his hand and reach for my backpack. 

"Oh I had almost forgotten. I've got you something", I called and handed out to him a few gifts.

"DVDs?"

"Yup. Actually you said you don't like watching recent Bollywood movies so I thought I'd bring some B&W films for you. We can watch them on my laptop after work these days, in case you would wanna unwind a bit…"

"I'd love to. What films? 'Madhumati', 'Anari', 'Do Bigha Zameen'!"

His face lit up instantly.

"Please say you like these", I trailed off.

"Are you kidding me they're my favorite! Thank you so so much!", he exclaimed, his eyes shining with joy. Needless to say, I was exceedingly proud of myself.

"Inhmm. Dosti mein no sorry no thank you."

"Yuck I hate cliches!", he whined and laughed.

"Same."

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

                 Hello again! Currently jumping with excitement but guessed you'll be up for a chat. Now before you feel all confused let me just clarify that I'm really really sorry for scaring you like that the last time we met. I myself was worried that I might feel suicidal, but fortunately for one person that did not happen. We'll come to that, but let's start from now, shall we?

                 So. I'm sitting in this tent (yeah just imagine!) which also happens to be a luxury one because... multinational company? There's AC and all my stuff is super organised in real furniture. Basically neater than my own apartment. Crazy right! You know what's crazier? I've just come back from a lit campfire party (pun intended ;)) where everyone was dancing and drinking and I - well I was stealing the show with my excellent impressions of Nana Patekar, SRK and Amitabh Bachchan. (I'm letting you roll your eyes and say, "but isn't that what you've been doing since college?" Yes. I have, cause that's the only thing I can do properly. Now shut up and listen.) Anyway, I've been quite enjoying this glamping, and as ridiculous as it sounds, I've been enjoying working.

                Yeah. Right. Trust me when I say I had NEVER imagined it to be this way. This job was supposed to be boring, and I still suck at it. God knows why I'm having so much fun. I am convinced I have reached that peak point of frustration after which I'm this miserable crackhead who feels no agony. You know, that peak point of happiness when people just burst into tears, it's the exact opposite in my case.

               Work has been torturous lately. So much so that I don't even remember the last time I had sat down and scrolled through social media for more than fifteen minutes. Muscle cramps from extensive fieldwork have been killing me. Yet when I wake up every morning with aching limbs and a feeling that dying yesterday night itself would have been a better option, I still laugh at my pitiful state. Sad, but amusing.

              Matching me in my crackheadery is the extravagantly delightful Chayan Roy. The one who I have been holding on to for dear life ever since I have joined. I honestly have no idea how I would have survived in Bangalore if it wasn't for him. He's been successfully helping me scamper out of all sorts of scandals from back when sulking used to be my favourite activity (that is, until fourteen days ago). Now that all hell and heaven have simultaneously broken loose, we're just trying to wisecrack our way through it. It's mostly from his side though. I'm too stupid to be witty, but that's the thing right! For the longest time, I had to pretend like I'm not. Back in IIT, I had friends who I could be real with. Then came my one epic shot at my dreams which proved to be more of an epic disaster. My relationship with Bari got messed up, my batchmates lost touch and I officially entered the hell called life. Ever since, I had to do the only kind of acting I would have never wanted to do, the one that happens off camera. I had designed this public cover for myself which made me appear to be all the things I'm not. The cover that only ever came off in front of you, but now it seems that this whirlwind of a colleague who has entered my life is hell bent on rewriting history.

             I don't know how or why, but on the very first day, I had embarrassed myself. So much so, that I was surprised. To be embarrassed in the first place you have to be unguarded, and with him I supposedly was? I never knew I had the guts to openly shout at someone in an office area. It wasn't even just rude, it was completely against my ethics. The raw frustration and anger that I had expressed that day was always meant to be bottled up, then why the hell did I scream it out? And even after all this, I found myself shamelessly asking him for help not moments after the outburst. It took me all my strength, but I did. Despite my outrageous behaviour, my instincts told me he'll stick around, and he proves me right every day, in the way he always tries to make me "comfortable" in my new surroundings. God am I comfortable!

             Before I can help it I'm freely asking him questions, talking about my childhood, just aimlessly bantering and laughing my heart out. Even if my only contribution to our stupid inside jokes has been about our insufferable boss and my absurd nickname, I shared it with him so casually, as if I've known him for years. After I reached home that day, it took me a solid thirty minutes to fully understand the fact that a person who I just met at work knows my silliest nickname ever. Perhaps that racist allegation was way too strong...made me blurt out everything.

             ...FINE! I said because it came naturally. Fuck why can't I lie to you man? Same with him. It's just that...he never makes anyone feel ashamed about not knowing stuff, or having gone through shit. He himself has been going through so much. I don't know about his past, but the amount of homophobia he has to face in his office, it's toxic. In spite of all the insults, he has it in him to come up with the best comebacks and move around with the widest smile on his face. With ten thousand difficulties on his table, he hasn't quit, because he loves doing what he does. So, I'm being bratty, and he's hearing me out, because he? I don't know. The fleeting thought that he might like me, romantically, has crossed my head but I know gay men have standards, and this gorgeousness called Chayan certainly has them way above my qualification (have you seen the way he dresses?) No chance.

             I've heard that the loneliest people are often the kindest. Maybe that's why he's so patient with everyone, so careful of not invalidating anyone's feelings, so caring about explaining everything in detail to a person who wants to know but doesn't presently understand. His warmth is calming, one of assurance. Maybe that's why, every single day, in a mini neighborhood of twenty tents, I look for that one face peeking out and waving me good morning, the first thing after waking up. 

           You have no idea how many times I had to check myself, lest I reveal to him my unfortunate stories, stories of my cowardice. For the first time in my life I'm being inclined to believe that being vulnerable around a certain person can help me get better, instead of being another punch to my self esteem. I know it's too soon to trust him, too soon to call him a friend cause that's a heavy word, but at least I can look forward to conversations... with real people. Unlike you. 

           Hehehehe juss kidding! Love you too.

          Trust a drunk man writing diary confessions at twelve in the night to change from fooling around to being senti af in a millisecond.

          Shit! Did I just reveal I'm drunk? No. I'm not. God promise I'm not.

          Okkkk maybe I am. Just a little. See it's the last day at the camp and freaking Mr. Haru has finally given us the permission to have some fun. So, valid. 

         Okay I think someone's approaching my tent. Talk to you later. :) Bubye!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         -Yours,

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Jai.

Chapter Text

It was late in the night. String diwali lights hanging in the camp area shone in the background of the dark sky. They appeared to me as some distant fireworks. The chilly breeze struck my face as I retreated from the campfire. 

The thirteen workdays were one hell of a ride, with lots of highs and lows for me. One one side there was Mr. Haru who was entrusting me with the toughest jobs, giving my vanity a major boost. On the other, there were my teammates, who pretty much sucked at respectful humour, except for Shashi because she hardly spoke, and of course Jai, because...well because he was lovely.

I was getting too used to calling him by his short name, made me feel a little more entitled to his friendship.

Afterall, he had not placed his gentle hands on my shoulders for no reason, while we were riding a bike to a highway-side restaurant to fetch snacks and booze, fruit beer for me.

I would have liked to call him a friend.

Speaking of whom, where was he? Certainly in his tent, and drunk af.

My walk escalated to a skip as I moved through the tent colony trying to spot his. 

When I lifted the canvas of the entrance, Jai was already looking at me. 

"Hey! Hop in", he said, his voice heavy but cheerful.

I jumped up three times with both legs to literally hop into his tent, earning a chuckle from him.

He gestured to me to sit beside him in a mattress arrangement on the floor, covered with a lot of cushions.

"I'll get us some iced water", he said and tried to get up, but his legs gave away and he fell back on the mattress with a groan.

"Jai you don't have to get up now, I understand I'll get it-"

"No!", he protested, with a finger pointing at me. "No. I can do it."

Jai trotted away, and I looked around.

The tent was more or less like mine, except his clothes on the hangers. They were much duller than my wardrobe. I wondered if I should go shopping with him, cause the only bright coloured clothing he owned was an enormous mustard hoodie which could fit two Jais into it. He was wearing it right then. 

A bright pink object on my seat caught my attention. It was a diary, lying close to where Jai was sitting. The velvety cover had a text in gold, which read "love yourself". A blue pen peeked out of the sheets.

"I'm back", came a declaration as Jai bounced down next to me on the couch.

"Eh careful", I said.

"Okay sir. Cheers."

Oh my, this man and his stupid teethy grin!

Drunken Jai will officially be the death of me.

"So, Mr. Life of the party, how's life for you?", I inquired.

"Good. If fact, great. I'm getting used to the new surroundings", he replied.

"So, startup cancel?"

"Tch! Shut up Chayan, you know I'm not doing a startup."

"But you also know I love irritating you", I bantered back.

"Yeah...Right."

Suddenly he looked down, his expression serious. In spite of him ducking his head, I could notice the moisture in his eyes.

"Hello, what happened?"

He didn't reply for a good two or three minutes. I considered placing a hand on his back.

He slowly looked up on my touch.

"Nothing man, just thank you. For everything", he said, dragging his words.

"As in?"

"Oh please! Don't act as if you haven't tolerated my rubbish rants, don't act like you haven't taken the trouble to prepare tea just for me within your busy schedule because you know I despise coffee. And don't even try, to pretend that you haven't gone out of your way to help me with every problem I've been facing here despite me being the biggest inconvenience."

"Okay okay sorry. 'Thank you' accepted and you're most welcome", I acknowledged as my arm went fully around his shoulders this time, my mind highly conscious of what I was doing.

"That's better", he said, relaxing into my hold. "When you're being an angel you better accept it."

Okay what? My heart was doing somersaults.

He continued in a whiny voice, "you know, you're the only person who looks out for me. My parents used to do that, when I was kid. But then I moved out...and I realised, that no one really cares. About anyone else. If you're talented, funny, or entertaining, people will automatically flock around you. If you're shy and awkward, or worse, going through a rough phase, all the people of your so-called gang will be gone. Poof! They'll vanish into thin air. Then nobody will be interested in how you're doing, other than the very few who care, and I feel you're one of them."

He turned in my hold to look at me, and his expression was so soft I thought I would melt. Cheesy much? Yes, but I couldn't help wipe a single tear off his face.

Looking down again, he recalled, "I thought they were well wishers. When I needed them the most, they asked me to leave."

"Who?", I softly interrupted, careful to not startle him into stopping.

"My previous work friends dude! They were not like you, not at all. Always made me do side jobs like getting coffee, printing photocopies of scripts, but I never got to do any real work. I...I thought I was good. They felt I wasn't good enough. They knew how desperately I wanted to prove myself, how badly I wanted to decline this job, but pushed me to do just the opposite. And here you are, trying to groom a lost cause into being efficient. You're the best, man! You're the best."

I was a bit taken aback, but not in the least uncomfortable.

"Ooo alright. I thought you were shy and awkward."

"After three bottles of chilled beer no one is."

"True that, because now we finally know how talented and entertaining you actually are."

"I wish I could be!"

"Of course you already are. Haven't you seen yourself at the party?"

"Oh yeah", he laughed. "I did enjoy it a lot."

The silence that had set in was a one I quite liked. It felt as if we were vibing without saying anything, but a doubt in my mind urged me to break the silence.

"So, on a serious note, are you starting to like your new job?", I asked again, truly wanting to hear a 'yes'.

"No. I don't think I ever will. But I'm starting to make peace with it and accept the fact that I can't escape what's destined. You're making it easier."

"So you believe in destiny?"

"Don't you?"

"I certainly do. The best part about it is you can create it yourself", I asserted with a smile.

"Offo there's enough motivation on YouTube. Stuff doesn't work. Thought I'd create some comedy but they said I can't", he murmured under his breath.

"I'm sorry what?"

Shit. I had messed up.

That's what I got for over excitement. Now he wouldn't share a thing. 

"Leave it's nothing." 

 As expected. 

"Thanks for sticking around though", he said.

"I will", I assured him. "Just remember I'm not doing it out of complete selflessness. I too love being around you."

"Aww", he said in a pseudo mushy tone, and cut it with a cold "that's absurd but thank you."

What?

"Do you have to be sarcastic even when you're drunk?"

"Yeah I do. Just like you had to pick the most boring person in the room as your company."

"Okay who else wouldn't be a complete asshole and try to cover it by saying 'these are just jokes noooo' ", I said, trying to do an imitation of our colleagues' 'casual humour'.

He let out a short laugh. 

"You're right. People can be ridiculous. Most don't know how to not hurt people, especially when those people are being absolute rays of sunshine", he said, and flashed a grateful smile at me.

My heart nearly leaped out of my chest at such preciousness, but what happened next made it difficult for me to merely breathe.

Jai's hands came up to hug me around my waist, as he laid his head on my shoulder. 

Propping his head up, he questioned, "Maheshwari ji, can I get a ted talk about how man can create his own destiny?" He settled into my shoulder once again.

"Sure", I complied, completely unsure of what I should say or do next.

"As I was saying", I stammered, "I believe humans do have the power to create their own destiny. If only we vow to listen to our hearts, instead of letting someone else take over the steering wheels of our lives, I think we can change a lot about what we like to refer to as luck. Our fate is what we make of it. We -   Jai?"

I heard a soft snore from my left and turned my head. 

He was sleeping, with his head on my chest, looking angelic under the patterns of the yellow light, which were cast on his face by the night lamp. 

I wished for this moment to stop for me to absorb it in all its glory. His breath on my skin felt heavenly, and there was nowhere else I would rather be. 

.

.

.

The clock in the tent struck three, and an unwanted realization hit me, that I had to go back to my own tent. Reluctantly, I sighed and held him with both my hands, trying to gently lower him onto his bed.

A gust of wind blowing in from the entrance fluttered through a few pages of the pink diary.

Chapter Text

His hands still clutched onto my t-shirt. I took his fingers and opened his fists with gentle pressure to release myself, instantly missing the weight of his head on my shoulder, the warmth of his arms around me. 

Breezes coming in from the lifted canvas at the door were strong and cold. The flipping pages of the pink book made a lot of noise. I drew a comforter around Jai and tucked his hands and feet into it. The strands of unruly hair on his forehead looked inviting, I wanted to take some time to run my fingers through them and listen to the sound of his steady breath, but no, the wind was getting sharper. I had to get up to draw the canvas down and chain the entrance. 

Didn't feel like leaving just yet. My heart wanted more, just a few more moments with him, close by my side. 

I shut the door and turned back. The noise ceased, the pages had stopped flipping. The book was open. 

A lot was written in black, in what looked like Jai's handwriting.

Interesting...

I sat down on the mattress once again and bent to take a closer look.

" Dear diary,"

Oh dear. Looks like his personal journal.

The cover was of an unusual colour though, considering the blacks and greys of his pens, purses and watch.

" After all, new beginnings call for fancier things, right?"

My hands reached out on its own to grab the notebook. 

What was he talking about? The next line was in bold capital letters.

" I HAVE BEEN ASKED TO JOIN QTV AND I'M SO DAMN EXCITED!"

Woah.

Wasn't it that YouTube channel? The comedy one. He was a part of it? Alright…

" Dear diary, 

                    Don't wanna welcome you into my life, because your skeleton has changed, spirit hasn't. The old one has been kept safely among my belongings. After all, new beginnings call for fancier things, right?

                   So. I HAVE BEEN ASKED TO JOIN QTV AND I'M SO DAMN EXCITED! I would have NEVEEEER thought four years ago that THIS is what I'm going to do after graduation, but now that I am here I can't stop jumping!

                 Amateur theatre in college and all is fine, but acting on Youtube? It's a dream! Thank God I did not get those horrible jobs in my placement days. I was only getting frustrated for no reason when a brighter future was right in front of me. Remember what Jeetu Bhaiya had said? "Trust the process.""

Wow. So this was the big secret he was hiding. He wanted to become an actor.

Then why is he here? Failed struggle in Mumbai? Maybe. But he was asked to be a part of freaking 'Quite the Viral', one of the fastest growing comedy companies in India, then what made him leave?

                    "It had been a year since Bari had started working on his YT project. We were casually talking over phone one day when I told him about my difficulty in getting a job here, and he randomly threw the proposal. Of course my brain short circuited. I initially thought he was joking, but he reassured that he was 100% serious about it.

                    I immediately said yes. I thought convincing my parents would be a task, but anyway I wasn't getting employed here and QTV would pay me twenty thousand per month, so they happily agreed. I'm leaving Kharagpur in five days for Mumbai to join Bari in his startup.

                    The first video has apparently already gone viral. It's a Roadies parody and it's oh so funny. I'm super thrilled about this."

Suddenly it struck me. I was reading someone's personal diary without his permission.

Not only was that unethical but also invasive, although it probably held the stories behind all those resigned sighs and hunched shoulders, the answers to the thousand questions in my head. 

Should I read further? Maybe I could help. I hated to see him like this, dissatisfied with his own self for letting his life go by as a passive spectator and yet having no option. Am I overestimating my own capabilities?

Conflicted, I let out a huff and flipped over a bunch of pages hastily, to rest my eyes on a few sentences in the last lines of a page.

                    "Damn you, dreams!"

.

.

.

                    "I let myself down."

.

.

.

What? How did all that good news come to this? I had to find out. After knowing everything, I might not be able to help, but if I wouldn't read at all I'd never be able to help.

That thought and those lines tore the last threads of hesitation in my mind. I took a final look at Jai, still sleeping and oblivious. With a deep breath, I turned the pages back to the start to finally learn his story.

"Dear Diary,

                    I'm in Mumbaaaaaaiiii! Can you hear me screaming? I expect you to. Script has been received, rehearsals today and shoot day after tomorrow! 

                    My first video...dreamy…but fortunately it's real, and I'm on cloud nine!

                  Very luckily I have found an apartment all to myself with minimum rent because it happens to belong to my wingmate. I know right it's insane! I had only heard Shah Rukh Khan saying "agar kisi cheez ko dil se chaho toh poori kayanaat usse tumse milane ki koshish mein lag jaati hai", but now, I'm being inclined to believe it. The whole universe seems to have conspired to make me an actor.

                  Wish me all the best buddy, your boy gonna rock it!"

.

.

.

             "Hi dude. It's been awhile I know and you must be waiting to hear from me about my first shoot experience, but I was just not in the headspace to write anything. It took me some time to digest the fact that I did not actually have much fun shooting the first video.

               Maybe I'm overthinking this. Maybe it's too soon to judge, but I feel something is terribly off. Perhaps because I don't have a live audience like I used to in my theatre days and all this is all so new...but that enthusiasm and fulfillment that I have always associated with acting is just not coming.

              I was wondering, if I have to take up acting seriously, might as well get myself enrolled in an acting school. What say?"

.

.

.

                      "I have a bit of sad news. My first video titled 'Har ek friend zaroori nahi hota hai' had released yesterday and it didn't fare as well as the Rowdies one. 

                    Now, I don't know… I mean Bari and all are saying it's fine, like I can't expect every video to go viral right? Still, I somehow feel it could have done better, if I would have given the performance my all, which I hadn't been able to do for some reason. 

                 One more video has been shot, a Ra-one spoof where I have a two seconds role. Hopefully the next script will be promising.

                Coming to the more interesting and embarrassing part, I had given my auditions for a one year course and a fifty day workshop in NSOD Mumbai, only to completely bomb it. 

               See my plan was to recite two of my own poems that I had prepared with full feeling. However, as I entered, they asked me to freaking dance! Seriously? I was standing like an utter fool who doesn't even know the world exists, and yet they were offering me props. A total facepalm moment I somehow scampered out of. Later, I did ask for a chance to recite my own poems and I did my best. Still, the fact remains that the chances of me getting selected for the one year course is almost null, so here's hoping that I at least get a chance to attend the fifty day workshop. After learning a few basics about my craft and the shooting process, I guess I'll be comfortable enough to perform well at QTV. Fingers crossed."

.

.

.

"Dear Diary,

                   I have been offered a job.

                  Yes you heard me right. I got a call from one of the companies which had earlier interviewed me. They said they have an unanticipated vacancy and want an immediate recruit. I have one month to decide.

                  Things aren't going really well at QTV, like I'm being offered more intern-ish jobs than real acting work, which is kinda disappointing. Considering that I have only one video in the lineup, I was thinking I could give this job a shot."

Wow.

                  "I have studied this thing for four years, (failed in a few...okay many exams, don't judge me!),but I couldn't be that bad after all. And if I don't feel comfortable doing what I'd do, I could always quit and join back here. Till then the brand would have also grown and I could get more exposure.

                  Yes, NSOD had called and confirmed my disqualification. My parents were hopeful about this one, wonder how I'd break it out to them.                  

                 Haven't decided anything yet. Let's shoot my next video, then we'll see."

.

.

.

"Dear Diary, 

                     Hi hi hi hello! Had a blast shooting 'Munna Jazbaati' today. The script was such amazeballs and I'm finally satisfied with my performance after a shoot. Had to do a little overacting, actually a lot, but worth it, because it looks ridiculously funny. I don't wanna expect a lot, because we both know how that turned out, but somewhere deep down, my guts tell me this is gonna be a hit.

                   I'm so happy to have finally found my ground. That one thing which was feeling off till today, it doesn't exist anymore. Today when I finished my final shot & Bari said cut, something clicked, and at that moment I knew I was handcrafted for this. Now I'm one hundred percent sure about taking acting seriously, giving it my absolute best, and making sure things work out. So obviously, the job plan is canceled. I didn't tell my parents yet about the offer, so things should be alright. 

                    Looking forward to more trials, perhaps errors, but then more trails, more awesome scripts and much more fun. Please pray I get these. I think I will.

-Yours,

Jai."

That sounded great. Light at the end of the tunnel! Every inch of me wanted to feel proud of this man for proving his worth to himself at last, but the continuous soft sound of his heavy breathing confirmed his presence here, with me. Something must have gone wrong, I wondered what. 

I felt confused and a little parched. So I took the liberty to walk to the dining table and pour myself a glass of water.

Pulling a chair, I sat down and proceeded to read further…

.

.

.

"Dear Diary, 

                    I'm Sorry. 

                    I have no clue what just happened. I'm not sure if this pen is actually moving, but I don't have humans to sit and listen to me. I had a few friends, who I thought were true. Today however, from those exact people, I had to face the biggest rejection of my life.

                    Trust me, when my interviewer had called me names for dreaming of Bollywood, when my professors had insulted me for failing in a subject, and even when the gentleman from NSOD had told me to keep on doing civil, because he thought, being on screen wouldn't ever be my cup of tea - never, NEVER had I felt so humiliated and dejected as I'm feeling today. As if I suddenly got rendered homeless.

                    I had no shoots in the lineup, Munna Jazbaati was scheduled to release today. I got a call from Bari at around ten in the morning telling me we had to "urgently discuss something important". So he had asked me to come to our office.

                    I naturally assumed two things. Either it would be about the release, or the pitching of a new idea. I high-key wished for the latter, of course because I was hungry for more work. But both assumptions turned out to be wrong. I entered the meeting, and what followed was a one sided discussion to politely dismiss me from QTV."

Okay, really!

Why would they...

That was unexpected. Jai was mad talented, it would have been outright foolish to dismiss him. Someone ought to have shoved that into the brain of this Baridbaran Sarkar. Strange people!

Thud.

A moderate sound of my involuntary feet stomping disturbed the atmosphere, followed by some husky rubbing sound.

Gosh, my irritation was really projecting onto my behaviour. 

Alerted, I looked around. 

The sheets on the mattress hadn't moved a single inch.

I glanced back into the book, relieved. 

The air around me was now oddly quiet, perhaps anticipating a messy end of a great attempt. 

                    "There was only him in the room, sitting with his usual calmness, behind which a certain sense of seriousness left me perplexed. I took my seat and tried to talk about today's release, preparations, etc. He kept beating around the bush and I kept getting more and more confused, until he finally broke it to me. None of the team members wanted me in QTV anymore because according to them, I wasn't serving any purpose. Obviously this hard truth was masked with phrases like, "we don't have much to offer you, an actor like you deserves better." Really? What kind of a ridiculous argument is that, and what exactly is this "better" I deserve? Where will I find it? Saying it directly would have perhaps hurt less than pinching it into me that I wasn't good enough. 

                     I swallowed hard and tried to act normal (tried to be emphasized here, who said I can act?) and said that I would decide after today's release. If it fares well I stay, else I leave. Then, the next bomb was dropped.

                    He said that after consultation with some competent critics who knew the market on YouTube, the makers have decided against releasing the video because it looked too ridiculous to stand even as comedy.

                    At those very words, the final piece of hope that I was clinging onto, shattered. I was too shocked to even speak. I chocked out some "it's fine whatever you decide" and rushed out of the office. The moving blur of colours and mass honking of vehicles that met my eyes downstairs did nothing to stop the same words of rejection from spiraling through my head. 

                    Did I cry? I don't think I did. All that had not sinked in properly enough, a part of me still wished it to be a distant nightmare. 

                    I had trusted Bari with my deepest secrets, only he knew about my job offer… but little did I know that he would strike at the right time. QTV was home, it's members, family. In all my previous rejections and humiliations, I knew my bunch of idiots would always find a way to make a joke out of it for us to laugh together without giving the humiliator any damn.

                  This time around, in those moments of that very wretched conversation, I felt as if the ground was torn apart from under my feet. I still feel myself drowning into the darkness beneath it.

                    The only thing I have realized, is that everything, including friendships, is subjective. If you have nothing to offer, get ready to stop receiving too.

                    Two precious months wasted behind this stupid dream of mine, and now I have nowhere to head but Bangalore, to take up that dreaded job I had vowed to stay away from. No matter how much I try to blame my parents, friends or circumstances, deep down I know who is at fault. If only I had tried a little harder on my first day! I am torn between 'I couldn't' and 'I didn't'. I had one solid chance, which most aspirants in Mumbai don't get, and yet, guess who ruined it for himself?

                    I let myself down. So damn you, dreams. I'll leave forever to do what I was taught too. Bye diary, I'm genuinely very sorry. 

-Yours,

Jai."

I was speechless. Jai had been through so much. Drastic hope, drastic despair and slow realizations, with only his heart's true desire to hold onto, and that too shattered at the end.

My mind went back to his thoroughly disgruntled and lost expression, the first time we had met. His past did explain his perception of life at present...but he couldn't be preserving this attitude. I couldn't let him, not after knowing everything about his ambitions, and certainly not after his campfire performance. He sparkled, he just didn't know that. And I wasn't too sure about "kayanaat", but I definitely promised to give my everything, to make him believe, once again. 

That, had to be done without letting him know I had read his diary. Quite a task, but when did Chayan Roy ever back out from challenges? After all, anything for his happiness. 

As I lowered Jai's diary onto the table, I looked in front, determined, and took in another deep breath…

Until a sharp gasp escaped my mouth. 

Two big eyes boring holes into mine, a figure sitting up from the cot.

"I trusted you", a weak voice trailed off.

"Out."

"Jai, see I can explain-"

"PLEASE JUST GET OUT!"

The raw rage in his eyes was unforseen, his furious order shook me to the core. Without another word, I dumped the diary on the table and walked out.

Chapter Text

There was darkness, of course.

It was apparent in the still night sky, in the absence of the fairy lights which earlier shone near the camp, the deserted state of the said camp, and in the grim thoughts running through my mind. 

For the first few moments, it was numbness. The sheer fury in his tone when he asked me to "get out" was not leaving me. I was unable to feel, unable to react, too aghast at the sudden turn of events.

Damn! That frail voice in which he admitted he used to trust me, that hurt.

I definitely didn't wish it to be this bitter, I thought, while I fell on my knees in the dust near my tent door. A selfish part of me wanted desperately to rewind time, and stay forever in those blessed moments, with us engulfed in each other and my breath stuck in my throat. 

However, circumstances and emotions are almost always like Jai's Mumbai venture – unpredictable. Therefore, even hours ago when we were content together in a silent conversation, I hadn't foreseen this.

While tossing and turning in my bed for the rest of the night, my mind kept traveling back to that one moment when I made the final decision to let go of all second thoughts and read the diary. My guts had said, "you'll regret this". Surprisingly enough, after the whole debacle, a thousand things made me feel miserable, but regret wasn't one of them.

Trying to do the right thing is so confusing! My brain labelled that part of me which wanted this to never happen as selfish, as it was only concerned about me spending joyous days with my love, without actually caring about what happens to my love. The other part of me which felt no regret was labelled shameless, because it had broken someone's trust, and was proud of it.

Never in my life had I felt more conflicted.

Pushing all these thoughts aside deliberately, I tried to concentrate on what I just read. Jai, his past, those events explained everything, and the fact that I now knew about all that wasn't justifying my inactivity about it. 

I had to do something, I had to make him realize that he needed to give it one more shot, and then two, or as many as he would require to make it. A person like him, deserved no less than doing exactly what he was designed to do. Especially after his performance at the party, no one could deny his impeccable acting skills. An industry which was mostly filled with mono expression muscle flaunters needed him, a despair free called for him!

I needed such a life for him, whatever be the ways and means. I had to figure something out.

I knew that these wild musings way past midnight wouldn't really supply me with any solid ideas, but at that point, what was sleep?

At five in the morning, a shrill alarm knocked me out of the vicious cycle of brooding, brooding and brooding again. I reluctantly left my bed with a yawn, followed by a sour chuckle. After all, we had to leave today, and I had to pack. 

Five minutes later I emerged out of the washroom with a fresh towel and a wet toothbrush, only to realize that amidst last night's mental fog, I had forgotten to chain the tent door. 

At the entrance stood Jai, looking exhausted, devastated, and even smaller than he already was.

None of us said anything for a little while. He continued to stare at me with an expression of hopelessness.

Plopping down on my bed, I asked, "So, wanna hear a sorry?"

"Not exactly. I just shouted at you, for a very valid reason, but if you don't apologize soon enough, we will have to continue our fight or whatever this is. In that case I won't get to talk to the only person who I usually talk to. Also I'll have to travel back to town sitting beside someone else who'll ask me hundred different questions like where are you from, what are your goals, why don't you speak much, etc. That's probably gonna creep the hell out of me. Moreover, back in office, the gone case of an engineer called me won't have anyone to talk to politely, or get hints from in case he's screwed. Therefore, it's better and much more convenient for me to apologize instead, to somehow put an end to this argument and forget about it", Jai said in one breath.

In seconds he looked like a deer caught in the headlights. His shocked eyes gazed vacantly into mine.

"What happened?", I whispered, concerned. 

"It wasn't supposed to come out like that."

"Oh, okay, I'll get you some water."

"NO just… this always happens!", he complained. "I legit had everything planned, like of course I felt hurt and all yesterday, and cried till late night, but then I formulated this huge dramatic apology to passive aggressively make it look like it was my fault, and mend things with you now for my own good, then probably act distant for a few days just to confuse you I don't know. But that was the plan! Then you appeared and I… the truth wasn't supposed to be said."

"When has life ever acted according to plans?", I suggested. 

"Stop this sprinkling of salt upon wounds!", came his threat. 

"Oh, my bad. Anyway, I'm kinda sad about not getting 'THE dramatic apology'."

"Leave that, you must be knowing by now that I save all my drama only for my diary."

"Right."

There was an awkward silence once again. 

"Sit", I said, moving away. "Technically, it was wrong of me to do that, so I'm… sorry I guess?"

"Whatever. There's no option but to forgive you, because I need your help to save my job and my ass from Mr. Haru's taunts."

I smirked borderline caustically, but something he said struck me.

"Wait, you're planning to stick around?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that you still wanna work here, after all that has happened?"

"You knowing about my past doesn't change the fact that my future there is still dark, and this is my present life", he explained. 

So he was still planning on doing this. 

I felt an urgency to finally let out my emotions from last night.

"I can't let you force yourself into this doom, not under my damn watch!"

In a swift move Jai got up from the bed.

"Excuse me, 'let'? Who are you to 'let' me do something or not? Intrusively reading my diary without my consent does not give you the right to dictate my life!", he retorted aggressively. 

His fiery eyes were glaring into my soul, his index finger was firmly and accusingly pointing at me.

Why did I always have to mess things up?

"No, I- I didn't mean that. Please let me explain. You're my friend. I know we haven't known each other for long, but I care. It was heartbreaking for me to just read about your journey, it must have been way harder for you to go through it. And trust me, you deserve none of this."

I held him by his shoulders, made him sit back down, and continued.

"You've got the talent, we've seen that. Past your perpetually annoyed exterior, I see you Jai! I see your dreams. Even more so after reading your diary, and that, is so not a narrative you should be part of. You've already been courageous enough to have put yourself out there, just don't stop trying. Please, you need to show a little more courage, just a little."

He slowly turned towards me, his eyes slightly watery, and said, "we're talking about courage, are we?"

I half nodded, a bit confused.

"Don't think it's only you who know me, and not the other way round. You are brilliant in your job, and have insane qualifications. Any corporate company across India would love to hire you! Still you're stuck here, in a toxic work environment, just because you feel safe and settled, both physically and financially. Give me one good reason, why you haven't quit your job here yet and searched for a more respectful life. Or accept that you prefer daily backhanded insults to lack of surety. Admit it Chayan, you too lack the courage required for a change."

.

.

.

I didn't know what to reply to that. He commented on a thing he had zero knowledge about, and I had no idea from where to start.

"We're really doing this, aren't we? Comparing struggles, because as far as I know you're not an openly out queer person living in India. Do you have any experience of the difficulties that we face to even assert our basic rights? I have qualifications, but they are of no use in front of people's misconceptions. On seeing me and talking to me in any interview, the compulsory question that has to pop up is my sexuality, and guess what? It has no relation to my job. Still, most companies are scared to hire gay men because we might look at their insecure cishet male employees the way they look at women."

I paused for breath, and felt a hand being placed on mine. I shaked it off instinctively, and kept ranting. 

"Yes, we keep bitching about Mr. Kane and Mr. Haru right? They are of course grumpy, and too work obsessed, but that's also exactly why they have no problem with who I am in my personal life as long as I am doing my duties. That's why I got hired, I'm getting paid, and I can feed myself, which is more than I can ask for in this society. Therefore, I have chosen to earn respectfully, live amongst opposing people, and yet never change the way I look or speak in order to fit into the society's definition of 'normal'. If that is not courageous enough for you I don't know what to say."

Jai's aggression had softened, he had visibly calmed down a bit. He slowly walked away from the bed, towards the door. Looking outside, he asked, "till how much have you read?"

"Till you were fire- … asked to leave."

"It's okay you can say fired. I'm sorry about the comparison, I shouldn't have… Anyway, there's one more story. The one I had not even dared to tell my alter ego, my best friend. It's just in my head, eating me up, but today I think I wanna say it. The morning when I was fired from QTV, a local acquaintance of mine informed me about an audition going on in a place called Shreeji casting complex. I was very happy, I felt as if God closed one door to open another. I was confident about cracking that, you know? I just felt. Then of course I went, with a lot of hope, and knocked on the door. Someone appeared from inside and inspected me from head to toe. "Not fit", he said, while he slammed the door on my face."

"What a pity, they lost out on you!"

"You wish!"

"Well, I thought you were angry on me for reading your diary. Now you yourself are telling me!", I quizzed.

He looked at me. We shared a smile.

"Now that you've read the most part, might as well know the rest. You just said I had stopped trying, but that's not the case. I wanted to try, but when people judge you even before letting you try, those are sticky grounds and it's better to retreat."

He walked towards me, and I took both his hands into both of mine. Then, taking a deep breath, I looked into his eyes and said, "I understand, it's difficult. To not run away, especially when the situation around is overwhelming. Society too is weird, can't ever see anything beyond convention. You dare to deflect ever so slightly, and it shuts you out. But if escaping would always be the option, then we wouldn't have anyone to look out for the future of yet unborn people, who would take after you and own up to being different. Again, not to compare, but look at how different we are, as people. Yet somewhere, somehow our struggles match. If only society could have seen that difference is the only similarity we all have, no one would have had to conform. Things would have been so much better!"

Tears threatened to spill out of my eyes.

"What's even progress in life?", I said. I'm here, in my birth city, yet living alone in a house, separate from my parents. I have a rocky relationship there, gotta fix that. Gotta contribute so much more to NGOs I work with, to extend aid to my fellow Indian queers in various stages of oppression. I can't escape! Whatever is left of my journey, it's here. But darling, you have got your call!", I implored, cupping his face with both my hands. "Go, change your story. Grab all the opportunities you get, and never give up. I'd love to see your billboard near me building."

"Don't be silly!", Jai said as he wrapped me in a crushing hug. I too hugged back tight, and perhaps wet his hoodie a little. 

After some comforting and consoling, I proposed, "listen, I have an idea."

"Yes?"

"I was thinking, yesterday night, that a certain contact of mine can help."

"Really? What contacts do you have do have in the performing arts field?"

"Eh, don't underestimate the power of a hyperactive extrovert. I have a neighbor, who's also a friend. She just started her own yoga center, six months ago. Before that she used to personally train this famous theatre artist, Mahanand Bajpayee. They both share a father-daughter like relationship. Now this artist is conducting an acting workshop in Bangalore, most seats must already be booked. I though, can try to acquire a seat for you, by managing Arya a bit. What say?"

"Wouldn't that be a little politically incorrect?"

"How does that matter? These Bollywood people are using nepotism for decades, can't we use a little groupism? Just take this acting course here, you'll have some more knowledge and experience. After that… let's say we'll cause fireworks in Mumbai."

Jai just kept looking with a small smile playing on his lips.

"Come on, just say you'll think about it?"

"Okay, I'll ponder", he gave in.

"YES!", I exclaimed in enthusiasm as I hugged him again, almost lifting him off his feet. His joyous laughter rung in my ears as he held on to me for balance.

"You wait, I'll make the call", I said and began treading away.

"No no not now!", he whined and ran up behind me.

"Idiot go pack we have to leave today."

"Bro don't do this I just said I'll think!"

"Shut up and let me call Arya", I giggled as I jogged out of my tent.

Chapter Text

"Arya please!"

"No. How can you suddenly come with a request and expect me to accept? You didn't even give me a prior notice."

"But it's just one fucking seat!"

"What difference does one or two make? I have already told you all seats are booked, and anyway you are one week past the last date."

"But, you're not understanding this is really important! Arya!"

Arya unlocked her apartment door and crashed into her flat as I followed her inside, pleading and begging her to do what we call in pure Indian language "jugaad", and she was refusing to do just that. 

I knew accomplishing this was crucial because of two reasons. Number one, Jai was precious and deserved every happiness in the world, which I was aching to give, but someone wasn't ready to help. That triumphant smile which appeared on his face on the campfire day when everybody applauded his performance, the spark of hope in his eyes when I told him I had a contact – I had to do everything to keep those in place. 

The second reason is definitely more obvious and selfish. If Jai would get what he wanted because of me, he might as well be impressed and I'd feel like a superhero.

Yes, I was twenty something and my brain still functioned like that don't touch me.

So you see I was trying to do the most logical thing, convincing Arya to in turn convince Mahanand ji to include one more seat in his workshop. 

This girl was paying no heed.

"Chayan, don't you think the chain is getting too long? Why would Mahan sir make an allowance for his ex-trainer's neighbour's colleague?", Arya interrogated.

"Because he's… talented and… look, first of all you're not just his trainer. If you tell him he'll do anything. And secondly… Jai is also, not just my colleague he's a friend… a special friend", I completed with a top notch twitch of lip and a pro shrug.

Still, I knew my apparent casualness couldn't hide the expectation in my eyes.

Arya was hanging her keys on the keyholder when she stopped and turned after hearing my last sentence.

"Don't tell me you've found someone", she said looking straight into my eyes.

For a second I gave her the puppy eyes, before backing it up with a reluctant sheepish smile at the ground.

Arya's small smirk progressively spread for a whole minute. 

"Done", she said with a bang on her kitchen slab, and walked away to fill a water bottle. 

"What?"

"Done! Done means okay, deal. He'll get an entry", I heard her shouting from afar.

"Ars you're the best!", I exclaimed as I ran up to hug her.

"Ewww what's that nickname!", said Arya and scrunched up her face, while fighting my arms around her.

"So, you agreed pretty fast", I said, still out of breath. 

She mischievously hit my back and said, "yes, I mean I have no problem in playing your wing woman, but don't you jump too much."

"Why?"

"I think you should consider what you're getting into", she chuckled. "If he's actually as talented as you're saying, then in a few years he'll take off as this celebrity in Mumbai. And what will you stay then? Still a boring engineer, in Bangalore. Then how will your long distance work out?"

Folding my arms across my chest, I retorted, "Oh so now you're introspecting my relationship?"

"Non-existent", she added.

"YOU! Better mind your own business!"

We both began laughing. 

"I'll think about all that, now will you kindly do only what I asked you to? Make sure he gets a seat", I pseudo scolded.

"Of course. Now will you kindly go back to your own apartment?"

With that, the first hurdle was overcome, but trouble wasn't over yet.

We had to get Jai out of his office within proper timings, on the contrary to the regular practice of overtime slot allotments in our workplace, in order for him to get to his acting classes on time.

"As it is I don't do much, because I can't do much. I don't think getting me out early is gonna be difficult", Jai had said.

I had to disagree, because despite his frequent inactivity, at least his presence in the office prevented a complete give away to the fact that I manage both his affairs, and my own.

So four days later we were outside Mr. Haru's cabin, trying to get a timely leave for Jai, which in the office lingo was an "early leave".

"Ready? All the best", I gave Jai a final pep talk before he was allowed to enter 'the battleground'.

Five minutes into it, quite a few of my co-workers were already gathered around me, concerned at the constant Japanese being spitted from inside by Mr. Haru, who would only do so when he'd be super annoyed. 

But my hopes were still high, as I had taught Jai just what to say to manage his job.

A while later, he emerged from inside. Neutral expression, face turned downwards. 

He slowly looked up, and a gradual smile took over.

"Granted", he breathed. 

I squeaked some expression of excitement before both of us jumped forward in a high five. 

"You didn't tell him the truth did you?", I murmured near his ears.

"No no chill."

Our colleagues looked happy. They knew only too well what Jai had to go through inside, maybe that's why they were so enthusiastic about the victory.

"So, date?", Vikram enquired in a thoroughly Indianized accent, wiggling his eyebrows. 

Jai uttered a confused "no", and tried to walk away when he was stopped again. 

"Listen, don't be shy! You can tell me. Date no? Date. I knew it", he said with a stupid sounding laugh. 

"Oh oh!", Sonal sing-songed by.

Jai's increasing bewilderment and exasperation was reflected in his eyes which threatened to pop out of the sockets.

I gently steered him away and followed along.

"Eh Chayan, where are you going?", said Pritam.

"I'll just go drop him."

"Means you both are going alone? How far? By bike?", Vidyut threw an array of questions towards Jai. "Listen you poor boy better be careful of this fag."

"What the f!", Jai turned around aggressively to express his scorn through gritted teeth.

Damn this man looked like he could eat him up alive!

"It's okay it's okay, calm down", I stammered. "You're getting late Jai we have to leave."

"Why don't you say anything to these people?", Jai accused, pointing his upturned palm towards me and furrowing his eyebrows. 

"How does it matter honey, do they have common sense? What would you expect from these mindless people –", I tried to sweet-talk him out of the office and his aggression.

After a convoluted ride through occasional traffic jams, we reached. Jai still clutched onto my clothes and clung tight.

"Get down, I'll just park this and come", I said softly, and felt him snap out of a trance. 

He hastily deboarded and husked, "no let me park, you go first."

Someone was clearly having a hard time.

I too got off the bike and leaned against it. Taking a deep breath, I asked, "scared?"

"A little."

His face soon mirrored the small smile on mine, with some added shyness and a slight lip bite.

We soon launched ourselves into each other's arms.

I don't know for how long we stood like that, just embracing each other tight in a parking area. Even the crushing grip felt so peaceful, as if there was some sort of transfer of energy and good vibes going on between us.

At last, he released.

"You'll rock it", I said to him, in earnest. 

"Thanks. I hope", he replied under his breath. There was a thin moisture in his eyes as he turned away with the bike. I kept walking. 

I could see a girl in red waving to me from a distance. 

There she was.

"Hi buds, what's up?", I said as I approached her.

"Hopes, they're up. Where's your… you know!", she said with a nod sideways. "Where's he?"

"Coming. You tell me, you've been wearing this same red t-shirt and jeans for the past four days. You don't wash things or what?"

"It's fine ya, I'll change someday", she brushed off my statement. 

"Hi", said a voice behind me. I recognized it to be from the said 'he'.

"Oh, myself Arya Fathima", she said and extended her hand.

Another came forward to meet hers.

"Jayanta Kumar."

They both flashed broad smiles towards each other.

"So, this is Arya, my neighbour, and unfortunately my friend I guess. Arya, this is Jai, my close friend and co-worker", I made a formal introduction. 

"Hi, welcome", said Arya. "This is my center, where I generally conduct yoga classes in the morning, but sir has taken it up for his acting workshops in the evening."

"I see."

"Aspiring actor, right?", Arya guessed. "You'll surely become a hero one day."

Jai ridiculed, "hero! Dark skinned, quite short… no abs, and if you see me dancing you'll surely faint."

Jai and I shared a knowing laughter. Arya too cracked up a bit, but countered his statement with confidence. 

"So what? You're cute."

In the next few moments she looked everywhere but at us uncertainly, and backed up her previous statement with, "and talented… Chayan was saying so."

It was my turn to rub the bridge of my nose.

This awkward moment was broken by a gray bearded man in loose clothing walking out of the adjacent building. 

"Hello Arya", said an affectionate voice.

"Sir why did you come outside?", Arya asked, concerned. 

He answered, "It's been a long time since you left my dear, I was just wanting to check if Chayan has arrived with his friend or not."

"Greetings Mahan Ji, good evening", I waved at him.

"He knows you?", came Jai's surprised whisper. 

"Yes, earlier when Arya used to train him personally we kept bumping into each other", I supplied him with his answer.

Mahan ji heard this and added, "of course I know him. He's a very nice boy."

He ruffled my hair a little bit and I smiled.

"Okay then, I'll go set up. See you and my student inside in a bit, alright?", he said, patting Arya's shoulder.

"Yes sir."

After Mahan Ji was gone, I asked Arya, "you too will attend?"

"No, not like attend attend. In the sense I won't act, but I'll be present. Who wouldn't want to see a legend like him teaching at close quarters? And if he needs some help with holding props and all, I'll assist."

"Cool, then I better get going. All the best Jai."

"Come inside", Arya said as she started walking, but Jai didn't follow. 

He was busy giving me a look. I could see he was unsure and anxious in his eyes.

I was about to say a few words of reassurance, when Arya took a few steps back, and leaned sideways with one leg in the air to take a close look at Jai's expression. After some pondering and silences, she said, "as a teacher, I understand. How students come on the very first day, with a zeal to prove to us that they're fit enough to learn what they've come to learn. However, they often forget that no matter how good or bad they presently are at what they do, they've still come to learn."

After a pause, she continued, "if you would have known everything about acting, you would have been in sirs place. Think about it, what's the worst that can happen? You'll be completely blank about what the heck is going on, but that's the exact stuff you've come to learn. So why fear?".

She gave him a hand.

Jai looked on in wonder. At the end, he glanced at me once again, and smiled more confidently this time. 

He took Arya's hand, and disappeared into the building. 

My Royal Enfield roared under me, as I set off.

Chapter Text

Dear Diary,

                  This time it's actually been long. A month since you betrayed me, and two weeks since I joined acting class. I daresay life has been showing some direction. 

                  No wonder they say no news is good news. Gone are those days when I used to sit on the far end of an unkempt mattress in a crumpled room, trying to write to you everyday. The same stories of despair, sadness and emptiness. Life is a lot better when I have actual news to give you but practically no time to write. 

                  Telling you about my life hasn't been fruitless though. That night when our deepest secrets were revealed by some accident to a third person, I had felt like the man had stripped me off a piece of my soul. Little did I realize that I had willingly given away a piece of my soul to that same man in question, much before the incident had happened, and he's proving himself more and more worthy of it every day.

                  Sometimes I used to wonder whether you would have been ever of any help to me, had you been a person. Would you have then given me advice, or sat up and did something about the mess I called my life, instead of just listening? I had, however, underestimated your power just as a diary. You know my religious family, they had brought me up in prayer while teaching me names of Gods and Goddesses, which didn't quite agree with my idea of spiritualism. I still see the universal spirit more like a force which aligns the stars for those lost ones, whose circumstances are far beyond human control. And you my baby, proved that to me.

                  I'm puzzled if it was you, not merely a book, but someone with feelings, who arranged for him to read about me and turn my events to the sunny side; or it was him, who is human enough to be called a human, whose energy drove him towards you, my story and eventually my path to some anticipated victory. I'd like to believe it was both ways, and I'm really enjoying this situation, where it almost feels like two best friends of mine, you and he, have conspired with each other to throw a surprise party for the third one in your group. Right now, for me, you, more than a diary, and he, more than a person or even a friend, are the images of Almighty in my mind. 

                  Thank you diary, for betraying me. I hope you know I thank Chayan for the same. Guardian angels, that's what you both are.

                  Coming back to me, and acting. That too in Bangalore. Who would have thought? I don't blame myself for being completely wrecked when I arrived here, but I should have believed that life offers good things, only when you least expect them. I went to QTV with my most trusted friends, and got left halfway in the middle of a deserted road. Here I came with nothing but pain, and got people who I could have connections with. First of all, Chayan, he surprises me. The way he smiles at my small victories is just… I don't have words to describe it. Without the looks, or the height, or the traditional swag of a hindi film hero, he makes me feel like one, he himself being the diehard fan rooting for my success in this case. From giving me work related and emotional support from day one, to providing me with a place where I naturally tend to let all my guards down, he has also been the reason why I met two more very special people in my life – Mahan sir, and Arya.

                  Mahan sir is truly Mahan, & the more I praise him the less it seems. In these six days of classes in two weeks, he's already taught me so much, and I can't wait to learn more. He has definitely educated me on technicalities, but he's far beyond that. He has taught me the craft of acting, and of dealing with every good or bad shit life throws at you. His lectures are like those tales by Grandpa, where an experienced person shows you whole new points of view to a frustratingly mundane incident, that you would have never imagined. It's a treat to simply listen to him, and more so to work with him. Hugely looking forward to more magical sessions… which brings me to the second person, Arya.

                  Six acting classes, six chai-tapri conversations and six evening walks home, together. There's something intriguing about her aura, something that makes me wanna linger around a little more while handing her a hot cup of tea, or slowing down my steps a little to match them with hers and stay close. My stomach behaves real weird around her! Does it make me uneasy? Yes. Do I like the uneasiness? Also yes! I know it's crazy but… I have only you to blabber with right?

                  I had horribly chickened out on the first day, even before entering class, but her rationality gave me confidence. If it wasn't for Arya that day, the world around me would have probably blurred & I would have fallen senseless outside the building. 

                  Or maybe not. He was there :).

                  Anyway, what I'm tryna say is… screw it, I have no idea what I was tryna say. It's just that I'm getting too used to a certain giddy feeling that I can't get enough of, and also I think the wavy locks of hair framing Arya's face are really pretty. GOSH I NEED TO STOP! Okay bye.

-Yours,

Jai.

Chapter Text

Honk.

A sharp sound produced by me pressing a button in my car escaped into the air, followed by another…

And then ten more in quick succession, or perhaps in desperation. 

I had been waiting outside Jai's building to pick him up, but he was nowhere to be seen near my vehicle. 

I released another array of jarring sounds and plopped my head down on the steering wheel.

A disgusted looking duckling wearing a towel on his lower half ran his way to the first floor balcony.

It was Jai.

"What is it?", he shouted.

"No… I was just wondering, if your Majesty would like to attend office today, or should your humble servant leave you to suffer alone when you're late."

"Don't do drama okay I'm coming", he replied dismissively.

"I know that dummy, but when?", I shouted back. "You've been saying five minutes for the last one hour!"

That wasn't true, it had hardly been twenty minutes, but that too is a lot. And sometimes, a little exaggeration doesn't hurt, does it? Especially when you have to wake lazy people up early in the morning.

Yeah thank my mother later.

Anyway, after another five minutes, a somewhat humanized version of the same disoriented duckling and my gentleman-love rushed towards me through the gate of the building. Formal shirt, trousers and a neat side part, except some of the strands in the middle of his head were still trying to hold on to the duckling image.

"Open the door quick", came a rough whisper.

The door clicked, he settled in, and my car started moving.

Minutes into the ride, he was hastily searching for something in his bag.

"Shit", he said.

"What happened?"

"Remember that folder for today's conference meeting? Left it in the house man."

"Ouch. How?"

"Last night I had taken out the papers to make some changes. In a rush while getting ready today, I took the material, forgot the file."

"Crap."

I slowly steered the car and stopped beside a footpath.

"Wait, there's a stationary here, I'll get you another", I said.

The car door smashed shut behind me and I crossed the road.

"Brother, one conference folder please."

The shopkeeper shook his head, but my request mostly went ignored. The shop was considerably packed with customers waiting in a crowd and looking for two millimeter spaces to project their faces into, to make sure their presence is apparent to the shopman.

After all it was the office hour. 

I was about to try again when Jai peeped through my car window. 

"How much time?", he seemed to mouth.

I gestured to my watch and then to the crowd to make him understand that it would indeed take long.

Jai got out of the car and ambled towards the footpath, his back facing me.

Meanwhile, my phone started ringing.

"Hello Sonal."

"Hello bitch! Mr. Kane just reported that a new technical difficulty has shown up in the metro construction project, and we need someone to look into that. So, if all the team members consent, we could ask Jayanta to take it up. After all, there isn't a single girl in all of Bangalore who Jayanta hasn't been on a date with… I mean who takes early leaves every freaking alternate day? He really needs to stop." 

Oh no, if Jai would be assigned to this, it would mean complete doom to his acting schedule. I had to step in.

"Cee, are you listening?"

"Yes! Yes I… was thinking that… if faults are arising at this stage, then I don't think Jayanta is experienced enough to be able to handle that. Why don't I take this up? It will be better for everybody else too, cause none of you want me in your departments, do you?"

"Excellent. How beautifully you understand men's safety! I'll inform Mr. Haru. See you at the office NEVER."

She cut the call.

"Weirdo", I whispered and put the phone in my pocket. Some noises from the footpath made me look that way.

Jai was surrounded by four boys, probably college goers, who were looking very excited during their interaction. 

Jai on the other hand was wearing an expression like that of a baffled Alice who had just stepped into Wonderland. 

Alarmed, I prompted the shopman to make it fast.

He finally acknowledged my request and went inside.

"How much?"

"300."

Paying the amount, I rushed with the file to the other side of the road.

"What's going on?", I enquired in a stern voice. 

The boys kept talking to Jai.

"Sir, you were waiting only! We asked just once, why are you showing so much attitude?"

"I'm repeatedly telling you I'm not that person why the hell are you refusing to understand?", Jai seethed at them with rage.

"Okay sir, you keep on lying we are leaving, thank you."

The boys trailed off and skipped away.

"What were they saying?", I asked Jai.

"None of your business. Get in the car."

One of my eyebrows raised itself.

"Really?"

Jai grimaced as he looked down, unable to hold eye contact.

"Sorry", he said, poking my arm. "It's nothing serious."

"I'd like to believe you", I uttered in sour sarcasm and bent down to the driver's seat.

The roadside banners on the semi busy streets flashed past us as my fingers turned up the radio knob.

"Yeh kya hua…

Kaise hua?

Kab hua… ab kya sunayen?"

The mood of the song perfectly complemented the pungency of Jai's expression, as I cast a sidelong glance at his face. He rested his arm on the door side handle and rubbed his scalp area with his knuckles. His head falling onto the glass of the car window making a slight sound.

Minutes later, his fingers were at it again, flicking torturously at the clip of his pen's cap. Typical nervous Jai behaviour. Restless legs, and no words uttered.

"So, you have once and for all decided not to tell me", I attempted at sounding offended. 

Jai scoffed, "you know, I actually hate you!"

"Pity, because I love you, and I don't want you to miss out on so much fabulosity", I said with a wink. 

Finally, he smiled. A proper one.

"I love you too."

"Really?", I teased.

"Tch! Idiot."

Heaving a deep sigh, Jai rubbed his palm against his face. 

"I'll tell you at the end of the day", he muttered. 

Perhaps in a quest to drown his feelings, or to fill up the tense silence, Jai turned up the volume of the radio this time.

Questions kept dancing around in my mind.

"Kab hua? Kyun hua?

Jab hua, tab hua;

Oh chhodo, yeh na socho!

Hmm hmm hmm yeh kya hua?..."

.

.

.

At about four o clock, a team of suited and shirted people including Jai and I walked out of a large conference room.

"Thanks for covering for me", Jai said.

"Anytime darling", I replied. "Okay now tell me."

I was waiting for him to lay his cards on the table. 

"What?"

"What do you mean what? You know what! You told me you'll let me know at the end of the day! You have class at five and you'll leave in an hour, so tell me now."

"Oh… that. Shoot, I thought you'd forget. I was praying so hard that you do."

"Oh please! I'd forget? You didn't let me. Have you seen your face! Ever since those boys in a gang have left, you look like a person with gastric issues who has just been treated with a caustic enzyme."

He let out a short laugh.

"Is it that apparent?"

"Yes it is, now will you kindly let me know?"

I received a massive eye roll.

"Fine."

He looked at me, and made an effort to start speaking. 

"It's just that…"

I slightly raised my eyebrows, prompting him to go on.

My hand was rising on its own accord to hold his, but I checked myself before I could do it, lest it be inappropriate for office settings.

"I… I don't think there's any use talking about it", he faltered, and dropped his gaze.

"Okay. So you think there's use of you bottling it up and brooding over it day and night? Cool then. I'll just leave no need to talk to me–"

"CHAYAN!"

I was about to turn and leave when he called back at me, holding my wrist and stopping me on my track.

Being childish works, only sometimes. 

Again, thank my mother later.

"Please don't… Please stay. Wait", Jai pleaded.

Still holding my hand, he dragged me to a corner. Looking around apprehensively, he further pulled me into my personal cabin.

Shutting the door, he desperately grabbed my hand using both of his, with all the strength he could muster. His intense eyes were piercing into mine.

In the next few seconds he took several tries to start off with what he had to say, but in vain. His grip on my hand kept growing stronger, but he was unable to speak up.

I was failing to understand what so scarring or shameful four random strangers on the streets could have told him, that he was being this hesitant to reveal it in front of me.

He gave one last shot at speech, but…

"Fuck it", he whispered defeated, as his head dropped against my chest.

There was absolute silence in my cabin, except the sounds of our heavy breaths. Like that, we stood for some time, senses slowly overwhelming me. The warm weight of his head on my heart was making it beat a little too fast. I was wondering if he was noticing it too… His hand holding onto mine like his life depended on it, his face, his breath, his lips against my body, our proximity closer than ever before – it all made heat rise up in my guts, and an aching shiver run through my body. 

Before my mind could jump into a spiral, I became aware of the need to control. I had to focus on the matter at hand.

"Jai, look at me", I ordered in a breathy voice.

I felt him nod in the negative and further bury his face into me.

My eyes fell close, breath coming in a sharp gasp. 

I couldn't give into my desires now, or the issue in question would be left undiscussed.

So I gently pushed Jai away by his shoulders and made him look into my eyes. 

"You see, whatever happens, whatever you're feeling, or whatever you're gonna tell me, right now, or ever. I'm never going to judge you for that."

My earnest glance kept shifting between both his eyes, and I hoped it would convey all my concern to him, which would be enough for him to confide. 

"Trust me", I breathed, holding his chin. "Let it out."

There was a clear, deep, audible sigh. Jai shook his head, gradually increasing the speed.

In a moment his shaking hands untangled them from mine and struggled to slip into my office bag.

A laptop was pulled out. Nervous fingers tapped away below the lighted screen, then paused, and clicked on a video.

Jai turned the screen to me and slammed the door behind him, walking out of the cabin.

'Munna Jazbaati: The Qtiya Intern.'

Ohhhh fuck. It was that one.

Three minute, fifty five seconds. The video was paused still, with the side-turned triangular play button appearing on its center. Meanwhile, I was leaning back on my office chair, in splits.

It was at that time when Jai decided to make a re-entry into my cabin, carrying a water bottle in his hand.

I closed my mouth immediately. Looked at Jai, looked at the screen. Highly conscious of what I was doing but unable to stop. Until… another bout of laughter obnoxiously burst out of me and I almost toppled over onto the floor. 

Jai's eyes began to bulge as a pencil from a holder came flying at me.

"I thought you said you won't judge", Jai screeched in a shrill voice.

"I– swear– I'm not", I said between my guffaws. "It's– this is so funny I– hey don't leave Jai, I THINK YOU'RE OVERREACTING!"

Yes, of course, the last part was said louder and with much more emphasis, enough to make the man who had crossed the gate storm back in with full gusto.

"I'm feeling like throwing this whole damn pen stand on you", Jai taunted. "Can't even find a cushion around."

"Hey hey", I panted, staggering up from the chair and stepping towards him. "Don't get angry baby!"

We held each other's arms, as I struggled to steady myself. 

Looking up at him, and schooling my expressions to some extent, I said, "I think you've done a great job."

It took one shared look, and this time, we both burst out laughing. 

We kept chuckling hysterically like two maniacs, leaning into and holding onto each other for balance. 

Minutes passed, and we calmed down a little, still reeling from the effect of the chortle session.

"So, Mr. Powerhouse of Talent", I began. "Your video was released! Such great news and you're telling me now!"

"What to do, I… I don't think the news is that great. If you see it from my side, it's not a good development to happen", he said, pulling the chair opposite to me and bending down to sit.

"Why would you say so?"

"Well, they did it without my consent. They fired me from QTV, despite having unreleased content with them, telling me they'll never release. Do you realize, I was broken! But then just when I started making peace with the fact that I'm outta there and I get to start afresh from new places with new people, boom! They drop a whole video with me in the lead without bothering to ask or even inform me once. What do they think, I'm a toy or something?", he reasoned, his hands thrown in the air. "That they can throw me in the thrash and pick me up whenever they want!"

He continued, getting up and walking away, "not that they didn't pay me for shooting, but I'm not gonna get any share of the profits that they make out of this video. And the fact that they didn't call me before doing this shows that they don't care. So what? I was learning to not care either, until they released this, associating my name back with their company. I was legit on my way to work when those boys approached me today. The moment they called me Munna Jazbaati and asked for an autograph, I just lost it!"

I gave the ordeal a thought.

"You know what? You should call them."

"What are you crazy, no!", Jai refused. 

"Why not! They dropped your video on the internet under their channel when you're no longer a part of it. Go claim your rights! On the profits and on your position."

My chair rolled back and banged against the wall as I ran towards him.

"Chayan you've surely lost it or you're not understanding this business. They fired me", he explained word by word. "If I call them back now, it will look like I'm dying to get back at them, and I don't wanna beg for a job."

"So you're playing hard to get?"

"No, I'm preserving my self esteem while they're shamelessly cashing on my skills."

I turned to look at him.

Initially in surprise; then a small smile appeared on my lips.

"I'm actually proud of you", I admitted. "You finally acknowledge that you have skills which deserve to be shown respect."

"One month into training, I believe I do. That's why, I want to start again, from someplace where people will value my skills, and I don't wanna be known as an 'ex member of QTV'."

"Hmm, I understand. Okay, let's not call Bari."

"Don't take that bastard's name in front of me."

"Alright sir! From now on, no one will talk about Bari. What won't we talk about?"

"Bari."

"Gotcha!'

"Ahhhh!" 

His head shot back, erupting into silly giggles, as one hand of his covered his face.

"Okay Chayan I'm serious."

"Fine me too. Whatever you're thinking about this is absolutely valid, there's no contradicting that. But, I'm just asking you to not view this fame in a negative light. I mean, look at it this way – all performing art industries are all about reach. The more people know you, and believe in your craft, the more chances you have of getting offers. QTV might have their interests in the wrong place, but unintentionally, they're helping you. Munna Jazbaati has 50K+ views, you've gone viral! Perhaps some casting director out there is sitting up and taking notice. For the first time in your life, you're being recognized on streets, people are having fan moments with you… you can't keep yourself from enjoying these beautiful firsts, just for, as you'd like to call, that bastard friend of yours, right?"

Jai let out a sigh, and bit his lower lip.

"You're right. I should probably not show 'attitude' ", he said with a smile. 

"Great. Attitude-less star, Jayanta Kumar. PARTY GUYS!!!"

"What party are you both planning, that too without me?"

A third voice interrupted my enthusiastic cheering. 

Shifting my gaze to the door of my cabin, I saw Arya, wearing a pink midi dress and silver hoops with a cloth bag in her hand. 

"Oohhh look who has washed her hoodie, and is now looking pretty", I sang, dragging her inside. "How did you get in?"

"I took the visitor's card. It's already four thirty, I was passing this way, so I thought I'd pick Jai directly from here."

"Oh, weren't you supposed to visit the supermarket today? That's on the opposite end of the city."

"Actually... I didn't visit today."

"So what's that grocery filled bag then?"

"That one… yes I… visited a different shop... it's somewhere on this road", she stammered. 

The shop-name label on her cloth bag told a different story, and I, for a fact, knew that there weren't any such stores around here, but I decided not to unnecessarily push her about it.

"Screw all that, the point is, WHERE IS OUR SENTIMENTAL INTERN?", she exclaimed. 

"Ooooo, fuck you watched the video!"

"Yessssss!"

We both gushed out, thrilled, and jumped up near Jai to trap him from both sides in a squishing hug.

"Dumbo, you're famous now", Arya joked to Jai.

"Stop it Aru."

"So that's why, those people in the lift were repeatedly turning to see you. Now it all falls into place", I chimed in, my mouth wide open.

"Jai throw party! Jai throw party!"

Arya and I kept on chanting around in a slogan-ish manner.

"Okay okay done. Tell me where you wanna go. Restaurant, club, or my home?"

"No, not all that", Arya declared, "Park. The Green-bliss park, 10 a.m, Sunday. There will be daylight, people roaming around freely, hence more chances of fans asking for autographs", she shrieked, with her hands fisted and folded near her chest. "Gosh, my glory will tenfold, on the knowledge that the centre of everyone's attention is my idiot."

Jai's face lit up in a shit eating grin, and I realized how lucky I was to be a witness to that.

"Okay, it's settled. Now let me get back to work", I said. "Jai, are you planning to leave now? Class starts at five, what will you do for thirty minutes?"

"Aru and I can hang", he replied immediately. "If… she doesn't have any problem…"

They looked at each other. 

Arya narrowed her eyes and said, "no, why should I? And we'll get to class before five, right?"

"Right. Chayan, sure you'll be able to manage Mr. Haru?"

"Yes, like always. See you two then. All the best, have fun, and don't be late on Sunday."

Arya held the door open for Jai, and emitted a soft "after you".

Jai giggled and walked out, followed by Arya.

Hand in hand, they disappeared out of my cabin. 

Chapter Text

Breaths were coming in short gasps as our faces were inches apart. His black eyes were gleaming blue under some tinted light. 

"Jai, I–"

What were words? My head wondered.

All I could see were his soft lips, trifle apart. All I could feel was the prick of his light stubble under my fingertips. 

"I love you."

A teardrop or two brimmed on Jai's waterline. A few more creases formed on his forehead. 

Just as my right hand dropped from his face, I felt a loss of grip on my waist. 

Sooner than I could process, his hold on my left hand tightened and his other hand grabbed me by my shirt.

He stood on his tip toes and planted his lips on mine.

A damned noise of God knows what stirred the air. My eyes shot open. Startled, we jumped apart.

.

.

.

A crumpled bed sheet on my left. A kicked-out side pillow on the floor. 

I was in my bed, shock stricken, and in a second, wide awake.

Sun beams streamed in through the gaps between curtains. The alarm clock on my bedside table showed 7 a.m.

It all started coming back to me. Reality, and scenes otherwise. Today was the day of Jai's Grand Park Party. 

.

.

.

At ten thirty, the man of the moment and I were sitting on a bench near the ticket counter line outside the Green-bliss park, with three tickets in our hands.

Needless to say, certain images were refusing to leave my mind.

"Why are you smiling?", asked Jai.

I only shook my head and kept quiet. 

"Dude, where the hell is Aru? Why is she not here yet!", my twenty-four year old kid complained.

"Don't worry darling, she'll show up. I'm calling her right? It's ringing... wait."

"Hey, where did you reach?", I said into the phone.

"I'm almost there. I can see the counter, can you see me?"

"Uh… not yet. What are you wearing? Wave if you can see us."

"Hello!", came a prolonged call both from the phone and from a distance. In front, I spotted a girl waving. 

Red dress with polka dots, its flared hem just above the knees. Smooth open hair, occasionally exposing flashes of what looked like pearl earrings. 

I had been watching this girl approach for some time, but damn I would've never guessed it was Arya.

"Hey, why so late?", I enquired, as she strode nearer. "We've been waiting for over twenty minutes, with this boy whining my head off about it all the while."

"Really?", remarked Arya with a teasing smile. 

Jai immediately turned and looked in some other direction. 

Dropping her glance to the ground, she went on, "well, my morning classes ended at nine thirty, then coming back home, having breakfast and… girls take time to get ready!"

"Wait, when did you in particular start taking this 'time to get ready'?"

"Oh mister, you have no idea how much effort it takes to match the eyeliner wing of one eye to that of the other. And yes I accept I've never bothered trying it before, but I've also never made a public appearance with a celebrity before, right?"

Some incoherent blabber came from the flustered Jai, who turned back at us just in time to see Arya's wink.

"Okay okay, valid", I retreated. "Now should we go in, or wait outside for some more spicy back and forth?"

"Oh- ye… yeah let's go", Jai husked awkwardly. 

It was quite sunny for an August morning, and on top of that it was a Sunday. Still, the juice stalls a few steps away from the entrance, and the park in general wasn't that crowded.

My heart was thick with anticipation – of touches, gossips, photos, and feelings of pride… for him, with him by my side. 

All three of us had grabbed some soft drinks, first thing after our admission inside. Arya and I generally bonded over our mutual craze for Fanta, but that day she didn't want to have a glass, because apparently she hated the "orange tongues" that came with the consumption of the same.

Either way, I bought myself some, and Jai dropped his signature cola to join Arya in buying Sprite instead. 

That's when Jai's first star moment of the day arrived.

"Son, I think I have seen you somewhere…", an old lady on a walk approached us. "Don't you come on the computer, in those red red boxes… small videos?"

Arya and I smiled at each other and waited for Jai to respond. 

"Uh… I–"

"Come on say it", I prompted in a whisper.

Arya's squeezed her hand into his.

He held back a gasp, looked at me, and then back at the lady.

"... yes aunty, I was the one. You saw Munna Jazbaati?", he managed to ask.

"Yes!", she answered with so much enthusiasm. "You know my granddaughter Anjali? Whole day she sits in front of that computer and laughs at I don't know what. So one day I also asked her, that whatever she was watching, she should show me also! And then I saw your acting. My God, so funny! Great work dear, God bless you."

"Thank you aunty", he said, this time, with a genuine smile. 

His eyes were shining, with tiny dimples gracing the middle of his cheeks.

Damn, he looked so beautiful!

I wasn't sure if my own eyes, gleaming with pride, were ready to be off him anytime soon, when the lady turned around to leave, and I suddenly remembered to ask her something. 

"Aunty, you'll rarely get to meet actors just like that in a park. Don't you want an autograph?"

"Chayan what the hell are you doing?", rebuked a slightly hot-and-bothered Jai in hushed tones.

The lady simply stared at us for some time.

"OH YES! That is such a great idea!", she exclaimed and came forward to shake my hands. "Thank you so much son."

A pocket notebook got pulled out of her bag.

"Here", she said to Jai with the widest grin on her face. "Please put your autograph here. Write my Anjali's name also, she'll be so happy to see this!"

"Sure ma'am. "

As he penned his wishes on the yellowish papers, I couldn't stop taking glimpses of him, doing exactly what I had pictured him doing all his life. He was catching some fragments of the life he had always wanted, and I only so wished for him to be able to live it, full time…

Our next stop was at the butterfly reserves, and then at the swan lake. Between boating and skating, gripping and tumbling, occasional touches and endless laughter, we met multiple admirers of our beloved actor boy. The ink in the pen refill kept emptying up, as he was being flooded with appreciation. Carefree happiness was everywhere, until...

...we had just come back from boating, and while putting her shoes back on, Arya lost her balance.

"Ouch!", a sharp cry sounded from the back. Two hands went up in the air. One landed on Jai's shoulder, the other on mine. 

"Aru what happened?", Jai said as we both bent down to check.

Arya had fallen on the ground, her legs bent at an unhandy angle. One of her feet had a shoe on, another shoe which looked fairly twisted was hanging from the other foot. Both of her hands were by now on the ankle of the latter foot.

"Relax guys it's probably not even a sprain", Arya said between groans. 

"Let us and the doctor decide that", I replied. 

She was being helped up by Jai and I, who were also trying to walk her to a nearby bench, when she broke the silence. 

"We won't need a doctor", she said. "I can walk, and I can feel my leg didn't go through much."

My gaze slided down to inspect the injury once more.

"As of now there's no swelling, so it'll be safe to say that's probably the case."

Arya collapsed into the garden bench, grumbling. 

"But dude, the heel broke! It had cost me two thousand rupees you know!"

"The fuck Aru, you twisted your ankle and you're still bothered about this freaking heel?", Jai reproached.

For a minute, both of our confused glances were on Jai, not being able to read the context of his sudden outburst. 

Jai silently kneeled down, stroking Arya's ankle, and gazed into her eyes, concern clear in his own.

"Sure you okay, Aru?", he probed in a raspy voice, his softest ever.

Something made me highly uneasy, but the feeling was too intangible for me to point out the exact cause. Silence was building up again, and simultaneously, my little irritation. 

"Who even wears heels to a park!", an abrupt scoff escaped me before I could control.

Arya frowned.

"I do. Because I wanted to, and they're going with my dress. And I don't know what's with you Chayan, you always keep commenting on my clothes! Earlier you used to bully for wearing the same clothes everyday. Today I've dressed up, but with that too you have a problem!"

Shoot.

I shouldn't have let it come out that way. But I didn't know why, along with guilt, there was this strange relief in me about that moment being over.

The guilt of feeling relieved added on to the original guilt.

"I'm sorry", I said. "Let's help you back up, we'll grab a meal."

Lunch was to be had in a plush park dining. Afternoon sun had by then compelled us to stay under umbrellas – me holding one for myself, while Jai held another open for Arya in his one hand, carrying her shoes in the other.

This is how we entered the restaurant, and settled in.

I was done placing the order for all of us, and I was returning to our table, when a supposed teenage boy dragged an older gentleman towards me.

"Hey, I saw you came in with them", the boy said to me, and pointed at the table where Arya and Jai were sitting. "Is your friend that actor on QTV by any chance?"

"Yes. You wanna meet?"

I flashed a welcoming smile. 

"Of course! I'm a huge fan."

"Okay then come let's meet."

I gestured to the boy to follow me, when the gentleman holding his hand stopped him.

"No Rohan, we're getting late, and I don't see any actor."

"Oh papa, how are you supposed to know him? Do you watch comedy on YouTube? He's my favorite in QTV papa please."

"Fine."

Rohan made his father trudge reluctantly behind me until we reached the table, and he smartly extended a hand.

"Mr Jayanta Kumar?"

First name recognition. Interesting. 

Jai got up from his seat and complied with a handshake. 

"I've watched both of your videos, and you're such a natural. Comic timing, dialogue delivery… everything's on point. It's a treat to watch you on screen."

"Thank you so much", Jai muttered with his characteristic shyness, & guess who was mesmerized again!

Rohan's father questioned cryptically, "so this is your actor?"

"Yes."

"What? Ridiculous. If he looks like an actor, then I'm Mr India. Come let's go."

"Papa!", Rohan rebuked with an accusing glance.

Turning back at Jai, he apologized profusely, "I'm so sorry, he actually doesn't watch your stuff. But I love you and I really want an autograph. So, please don't mind. Will you give me one?"

I could see Jai swallowing a nervous gulp. His answering "sure" wasn't so sure anymore. 

Rohan's father yanked him out of the eatery as Jai dusted both his hands against each other, sinking back into his chair.

Everyone ate with zero words exchanged. Jai didn't even finish his meal, but made sure to quietly slip his palm into mine before we approached the exit.

"Eww, weren't you holding those shoes in this hand?", I attempted at making him crack a laugh.

He, however, only kept staring at me with those insisting eyes of his, and I couldn't for my life pull away from his hold.

"Why are you even giving a shit to his opinion man!", I said once we reached the field. "You'll get hundreds of such weirdos in your entire career. Just take in their senseless blabber through one ear and push it out through the other."

"Correct", Arya joined in. "Comprehension of your talent requires brains, and unfortunately most people haven't been blessed with that. So you'll get judgemental dumbos everywhere. But guess who isn't a dumbo? A girl called Aru who thinks Jayanta Kumar is freaking amazing!"

Jai flashed a small smile towards her, but we still couldn't get him to talk. Thus, Arya had to use the ultimate and the most brilliant weapon.

"You know what? Let's ride the ropeway."

As expected, it prompted someone to burst out in protest.

"Aru what is this I thought you were my friend. You know I'm scared of heights! This is so not done, Chayan why aren't you telling her anything?"

I put on the slyest expression I could muster, and confessed, "because… honestly… I too don't mind a ropeway ride."

"Hawwww you traitors! I absolutely despise you both."

Jai shook his head and began marching away.

Arya's eyes closed in soundless giggles as our fists came together for a bump.

"Jai! JAI! Please just listen", Arya scurried after him.

Grabbing him from the back, she made him focus on her.

"Please. Once. For me?"

Jai's lips twitched gradually from its place. A deep breath was released. 

"Okay."

"Yaaaaayyyy Chayan gear up", Arya cheered in jubilance.

"But, if anything happens to me, you both are paying the hospital bills."

"Orders accepted your highness!", I said with a bow. "I'll go get the tickets."

"I'll come with you", said Jai, as he pulled my T-shirt from behind and started jogging along.

"Hey! I'm not standing here alone", came Arya's objection as she struggled to keep up with our pace.

"Brother, two tickets please"

"Yes brother."

The in-charge peeked at us through the glass counter. We observed his eyes widen progressively. 

"Sir! Aren't you that person on TV?"

"You… watch videos on YouTube?", a skeptic Jai queried. 

"No, how can I afford a TV sir! But my wife does household chores for a rich family, and  the sir and madam there keep watching your videos on a big monitor. One day, I had gone to pick my wife up, and that's when I saw you on TV. Believe me sir, you look exactly like young Shahrukh Khan. On the very first day I had a feeling that you are going to make it big."

Jai chortled sourly.

"You flatter me too much. Shahrukh is my favourite too, and let's just admit unlike some people he's handsome."

"So who said you're any less sir! You'll also be that huge someday, mark my words."

Another breathy laugh escaped Jai.

Eyebrows furrowing, this time he looked intently.

"You really are that confident?"

The person at the counter replied with a genuine smile, "sir, we are people of extremely simple living. This film business and all, how it works, we don't understand. High status people like you might know. And in all your ideas, who cares what we say? But for commoners like us, you have stolen our hearts. If someday I also become rich, I'll buy this… computer. Just to watch you sir."

The mix of emotions on Jai's beaming face was too precious for description. Before I could lose myself in those teary eyes, I extended a few rupee notes to pay Jai's earnest supporter.

"No sir, I won't take money from you. Today my favourite star has come to ride the ropeway, so free tickets for three of you"

"But brother, this is not fair why will you pay–"

"Keep quiet sir, talking back is not allowed. Here you go, three tickets. Your ride is ready."

He motioned towards our rope cell resting near the starting station.

The three of us reciprocated his smile. 

"Hope to see you around sir."

Body closed off and the walk slowed down due to overwhelm, Jai climbed into our red colored vehicle after us and seated himself next to me. Arya looked on from the opposite side.

In an effort to comfort Jai, I glided my thumb over our already entwined fingers. 

Jai freed them from my hold.

As the cell began rising up in the air, his arm too came up to hug mine.

We stopped at the highest point.

His head found my shoulder. 

.

.

.

Last few hours in the park, the setting sun had cast it's orange glow on the cotton clouds. 

We decided to plop ourselves down on a raised rocky area in the abandoned back sides of the gardens, intending to take in the dusk aesthetics in all its glory, and have a last chat together before we call it a day.

"Today was one hell of a ride", Arya reckoned. 

"Precisely so. Jai, you've become pretty popular."

"I mean… look at you shining!", Arya gushed again. "Hadn't your parents opposed initially? You'll look at their delighted faces now."

"Oh you know about that?", I asked her, surprised. 

"Of course I do. But tell me Jai, how did you manage… the first time, convincing them to let you leave your degree behind to pursue acting?"

"Quite a story", he said with a sigh. "The first time I had planned something solid, I didn't have the nerve to inform them directly. So obviously, Chaitri came to the rescue. My sister, as in." 

He smiled as he recalled.

"Had she not acted the buffer, or the bridge, however you might put it, I would have never gotten a chance at my dreams."

"True Jai", I joined to agree. "Siblings are quite something! I've never had the chance to experience that myself, but I see both of my closest cousins, and wonder what I ever did to deserve them. You know I had come out to them first?"

"Woah, not even your parents?", Jai enquired. 

"Nope, I was scared, naturally. But the warmth with which my cousins received my truth… It was unbelievable, and beautiful. They've stuck around through thick and thin, and I'm so glad I have them. Not to mention, exceedingly grateful to your sister for pushing you to do this."

I guided my view back at the painted sky – clouds slowly separating, the vermillion splatter of twilight giving way to more pinkish shades. Even in the absence of a physical rainbow, my mind felt a presence of it there.

Nothing like reminiscing your old days of glee, with your accepting cousins back home, while having such wholesome talks with the two of the most supportive friends ever. Finally, life was feeling at peace.

A sniff sounding from closeby startled me. 

Arya faced the ground with her head down, a handkerchief rubbing on her nose. 

"Aru, you alright?"

Jai put a finger down Arya's chin to make her look at him in the eye. 

"He had texted yesterday", she sniffled. 

"Oh! I'm… Aru I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have brought this up", he started apologizing out of the blue, leaving me perplexed. 

"Folks, am I missing something here? What's wrong?"

Jai replied, a tad bit hesitant, "no it's… Aru, may I?"

She wiped her eyes and nodded. 

"Actually, Aru has a brother, who she was immensely close to since birth. But then he was still closeted, and he wanted to desperately get away from home. One year into his stay at New York, for his higher education, he decided to call home and come out as a trans man. Their whole family was in shock. They had a heated argument, and her parents told him stuff like 'western culture turned you into this' and shit. Since then, they have never talked. He only occasionally sends messages to Arya, that too only text. No voice calls, no photos."

"Damn girl, that's really messed up.", I sympathized with her. "We've been friends since an eternity, why didn't you ever tell me?"

"Guess it never came up", Jai answered for her. "In our tea stall conversations, everything comes up, only you don't."

We shared a semblance of a smile and fell silent. 

"It's been more than seven years", Arya croaked. "I really miss him."

"Heyy, you're crying again?"

Jai's arm engulfed her in a comforting side hug. I too moved closer to hold her from the other side. 

She spoke again between coughs and sobs. "I wish… I wish my family had the guts… to not rob me... of my only companion who meant the world to me growing up."

"We see you Aru, I see you. We'll try to talk more or not talk at all about this later, as you please. For now, try to stop crying okay? It's hurting your throat. We'll focus on breathing, 1… 2… 3…"

Jai's hands kept working up and down Arya's back, trying to calm her breathing. 

"Oh Chayan, we're outta water. Do you mind getting some? She'll need it."

"Sure thing", I said as I got up to set off.

The stalls were at a fair distance from this deserted rocky grass patch, and all the way I had been thinking what an amazing world it would be, if every single person could really be themselves, follow their heart and love whoever they wanted. 

Two water bottles in both my hands, I was just crossing a half broken boundary wall to reach our sitting place, when the sight in front shook me to the very core.

Arya's hand on Jai's, holding him tight. Her body arched towards him.

The other hand of hers grabbing him by his shirt.

Her lips on his.

In an instant my back flung itself against the bare bricks of the boundary wall.

I couldn't breathe.

I only craved for this to be another distant dream.

Chapter Text

Dear Diary, 

                 I think I'm in love. 

                It's Aru. Might be her wondrous eyes, mischievous smile... but more importantly, her confident persistence and calming presence around me. With a personality as carefree as hers, I wonder how she is so good at keeping me grounded.

               I know you must have already guessed my feelings, considering what I had talked about the last time we spoke. Looking back, I think even I should have known, but what can I say? I'm much dumber than your smart-ass.

               Romance aside though, I can still say that the last few days have been INSANE, and probably more insane than that word. Initially, I was unsure, and annoyed too at most developments, but miraculous how Chayan pulls my view of every situation to the positive side. Now that I have detached myself from the 'why's and 'how's of this thoroughly unexpected, borderline awkward overnight fame, to focus solely on how the impact of the new feat feels, I can tell it's almost euphoric! And yet I had decided to open our chat with my first kiss hangover? Never mind, let's start from the start.

                It was a pretty mundane day, until it wasn't anymore. Now you'd call this a lame joke, but let me tell you the boys who approached me on the footpath that day actually thought I was funny! I was on my way to work, running late, and naturally a little heated up, so when I was hit on my face with "hey, are you Munna Jazbaati?," a part of me was definitely too aghast to react, but the other wanted to slam a full coconut from the roadside vendor's van on each of their heads, for successfully resurfacing old and bitter memories in my mind within a millisecond. "What?" "How did they get the clip?" "Have they hacked it?" "Or HAS IT BEEN RELEASED?" "Why the hell would QTV do it now?" "Wait… I didn't even get one freaking call from them before whatever it is that happened, what do they think of themselves?" A trillion questions popped up in my mind.

                  A few introspective conversations and a hell lot of mocking (in no particular order) later, Aru and Chayan convinced me to "embrace the fame". Easier said than done, but as if that itself wasn't enough work on my table, they decided to chivvy me into arranging this mega hangout on a Sunday in a public park in broad daylight, just so that they could get their treat, and I could get a scary amount of extra attention. Whether or not I approved wasn't any of their concerns! They just announced and confirmed it like it was their right to do so. The audacity, dear Lord! But that's my friends for you, I guess.

                  Won't lie to you, the fact that the plan didn't excite me at all in a good way is a false statement. After all, it was supposed to be my first proper hangout with Aru, just for the sake of hangout, not some "after class chai-tapri date" because we were both hungry as hell, and incidentally together. Of course I couldn't wait, but the thought of having to meet multiple new people who might possibly be eager to interact was… simply too much! Ideally this wouldn't make much sense to anyone, but I know you understand, and so does Chayan. Therefore I was extremely glad to have him around. However, nothing, and I repeat, NOTHING could have prepared me for the magic that I was about to experience, and magic would be an understatement. 

                  She had kept me waiting long enough, you know? Outside the park, and maybe in life too. For her though, I didn't have a single qualm about having to wait forever, just that I didn't need to. After quite a literal and metaphorical rollercoaster ride of a day in the park, the three of us were catching our breaths and going over our memories, freshly made, in the backdrop of a rocky alley and a breathtaking sunset. As situations had it, due to some turn of talks or the other, Aru's brother happened to come up in the conversation. 

                  It was indeed a sensitive topic, considering how he was forced to cut off all ties with his family and she wasn't even allowed to tell me his name. I was frankly honoured, that the only person she voluntarily wanted to share this whole incident with, was me. But I could see her breaking down, losing control right in front of me over the tears that threatened to overflow. Meanwhile, Chayan looked on, skeptical but expectant, gaze flickering between us for an answer. What else could I have done? After explaining it all to Chayan with Aru's consent, and a failed attempt at lightening the situation, it felt extremely natural, almost necessary to wrap my arms around her, letting her cry into my shoulder. Of course I sent Chayan around to fetch drinking water, but after her sobs slowed a bit down, and my initial instinct to control the situation faded, I actually realized how small the distance between our faces were. For a moment I peered into her wide eyes, getting magnetically pulled in… and I don't know how many minutes passed in that eternity of tension, before this string of sense in my head prompted me to abruptly break off the hug. I clumsily withdrew my hands from her hair. A few dry gulps later, I tried to ask if she was okay. She said, and I quote, "I have to admit I've felt better, in that little while when your arms were around me."

                  A split second, and then it happened. Our eyes locked on each other. My eyelids drooped close. Her hand over mine, her lips claiming mine.

                My fingers dug into the dust on the ground. I wasn't even completely sure, if anything of what I felt was really happening, let alone understanding what was happening. But neither could I guide my hands to pinch myself, nor to hold her. With the knowledge that those soft lips were capable of such an insistent act of passion, my nerves were failing to receive any other signal. I wanted to move, I wanted to react, but a whimper at most escaped my still and frozen body. I felt the wetness, the gentle pressure, all conveying her gratitude, trust and urgency to me, ringing through each and every vein of my body.

                  Just when I was about to break free from the shock and let my palms slide along the frame I was aching to hold on to, she pulled back. Eyes still closed, I felt a smile curl onto my lips. Both my hands and my forehead inched forward to lean into hers, but I never found hers. Confused, I blinked my gaze open. Arya was staring at me, first with a small smile, which gradually gave way to… doubt? And then quite strangely, but unmistakably, it was terror that I saw. I kept trying to read her expression, squinting at her in bewilderment. Before I could throw in any question, she jerked away from me within a millisecond. 

                  Words were choking up. Why did it have to be that awkward? I couldn't for my life figure out what I should have asked her, my deepest fear being she would think it was a mistake. But she spoke up before I managed to. "I'm sorry," she said, "I should have asked."

                  Her voice was so small then! It pained me to hear it. Though I had to agree, she certainly should have asked. But now that it had happened, and I wanted it to, I'm a bit lost and really in the dark regarding a few things. And who better to consult than my best friend, part time confidant, part time betrayer and full time guide-to-life? Of course I had to share my further plan of action. 

                  I'm having a hunch that apart from the obvious post-first-kiss jitters, Aru's sudden onset of doubt and fear after the act might have stemmed from my inability to respond as soon as she made a move. She must have thought I was not interested. But heck I am. And as much as I wouldn't want to blame myself for not reciprocating, if there's anyone who can reassure her, it has to be me. It certainly didn't help, except if aggravating her already visible embarrassment counted as help, that right after the incident, when Chayan made a re-entry with a faint voice and two packaged drinking water samples, Aru left immediately after receiving her bottle, with a terrible inking of an "I'll have to go" excuse. But yes, I'll fix this. I'll make sure I do.

                  From Chayan's tone of speaking after he came back that day, I bet he must have seen or sensed some of what had occurred, and it might not be a bad idea after all to spill the whole story to him. Who knows, maybe he might want to help me plan a perfect proposal, to ask Aru to be my girlfriend? I can imagine his face, he'll be so excited! So what say buddy, let's get this thing going?

-Yours,

Jai.

Chapter Text

There was silence across the blurring boundaries of consciousness and unconsciousness. Time seemed to crawl painfully through the four quarters of the clock.

I was unable to feel anything. 

My legs shook furiously, digging temporary grooves into the soft material beneath my thighs. Was I on my couch? If I drove towards home from the park, then technically this should be my living room – I reasoned with myself. 

Ah, reason! Did anything ever work according to that?

After fidgeting through the tiresome darkness of the evening and the sleeplessness of a whole night, I dragged myself to office the following Monday. 

The backyard of my workplace and I shared quite a cooperative relationship. The air around there seemed to adjust itself to my mood every time I walked in. I guess that was the benefit of a dusty atmosphere, it could signal both the chaotic hopefulness before a start, or the rusted resignation after a dead end. 

Loads of morning wishes from all my hearty work acquaintances, which earlier produced enthusiastic responses from my end, hardly struck me enough that time to trigger a reply. I knew the salutations were coming at me, like they kept coming every other day, but I was too numb to actually hear anything. Too numb to engage in any niceties in real time, when my mind was still stuck upon a certain crude shock.

My drive on the way to the office had been an equally harrowing episode of senses going haywire, as I was transported back to the haze of a ride home from the park. My mind recreated the image of Jai, seatbelted next to me, rambling incessantly about how "special" his day of celebration turned out to be, his jittery body language screaming of the adrenaline high. Even with daylight flooding in through the glass windows, I could see darkness befalling, yellow street lights flickering, and peeks of the tea shop graced on a regular basis by Jai and his female crush, fleeting past me. My fuzzy brain still jolted up every five minutes, signaling me to somehow blurt a courteous one word response to Jai's lively recalling of the previous day's events, just as I was trying my best to do last evening. 

I couldn't hear voices that sounded in the present. Noises from the past came echoing back to me. 

Clearly, my brain was hung up in time, and it was doing more harm than good.

If this were to continue, I would go mad.

Shaking myself up, quite literally, hoping that it would cast my thoughts aside, I pushed open the glass door and made my way to my cabin.

"Hi Chayan! Good morning, how've you been?"

Wow. 

Jai was in my cabin, first thing in the morning, with a gazillion of files in his hand, expecting an honest answer to that question. 

He hardly knew he wouldn't get one.

"You're checking up on me as if it has been months since we've last met!", I tried to start on a light note, keyword here being 'tried'. "What are you doing here, that too this early?"

"Actually, I wasn't able to sleep properly last night. That wasn't the plan, of course, but I thought that after yesterday, I would be so tired that I might not be able to wake up on time. That's why I set my alarm to five 'o' clock, so that no matter how much I snooze, I'd still have time at hand. Ever since, I've been feeling so pumped up, I hardly slept, and then, left bed at the first sound of the alarm."

"Okay, so what are those files–"

"Wait! I got out of my bed, and then I remembered that you had told me you won't pick me up today, so I had to look for an auto, which is such a tough job these days, with most drivers only giving 'no' for an answer. So, I thought I might as well get ready early and start searching. Surprisingly, the very first one I stopped today agreed to the ride. So here I am!"

"Yeah… I see."

His animated narration of unnecessary details came to a close at last.

I tried to make my deep breath as inaudible as possible. 

"Anyway. What are you here for?"

"Boring stuff", he replied. "Like the metro project coming to a close, Mr. Haru getting more paranoid every passing day, therefore assigning all of this extra work to me JUST FOR TODAY. Nuts right? Now I know you already have a lot on your plate, but Mahan sir has scheduled a sort of a progress test this evening, so…"

"Put the files here, I'll get it done." I cut him short with my reply, and proceeded to arrange my desk.

Moments passed. He made no motion to deposit the files and exit. 

Strange. 

I looked up to see what's wrong. 

Jai's expression was bewildered, his stare fixed upon me.

"Anything else you need?"

"Nothing…", he fumbled, snapping out of his trance. "The test is... optional by the way, like… I might choose to not go and it won't make any difference. I only came here because you asked me to always inform before taking up extra work, but… you're not a superhuman you know? You don't have to do this if you don't want to. I don't want you to lose sleep for my sake."

Oh, didn't he?

Funny how life works. 

"I was meaning to ask you if you could persuade Mr Haru to give me two more days…", he contemplated.

"Listen Jai, I don't think I have enough energy to talk Mr. Haru out of his paranoia. But I will do what I can do, that is completing these files. If you think this office job is your career, then you might as well not allow me to take up your work and struggle unnecessarily. If you do think acting is your career, please do what your teacher tells you to. Kindly leave your files here, I'll handle both your early departure and your pending work. Thank you."

That… came out more arrogant than I had planned. 

Jai looked a bit taken aback, I had never spoken to him like that before.

But soon, his astonishment changed into the one thing I couldn't have borne to receive from him anymore. 

Concern.

If I would let Jai see through my empty soul, like he always did, let him know I was not okay, and let him express his worry about something my mind selfishly believes him to be the cause for, it wouldn't take me much time to explode in anger, tears, or desperation— any emotion too inappropriate for work settings, too outrageous cover up for later, and too brutal for me to even forgive myself. 

This 'walking a thin line' between civil behaviour, and my brewing inner storm on seeing Jai was driving me to the edge of insanity. 

I was not ready to face him, I just wanted this exchange to end. But was he gonna let it?

Jai inched closer to me than before, his fingertips ghosting over mine, pulling me out of my thoughts. I jerked my hand away on impulse, freeing it from him. 

His imploring eyes still stared into mine.

"Chayan, are you okay darling?"

"PLEASE! Don't–"

… call me darling. But that was led unsaid.

"I… don't want to talk about it", I faltered. 

"That's okay dear, I understand."

No he didn't. 

"Umm… if you want, we can talk about something else", he suggested. "I've been intending to give you a little info for a long time, maybe it would distract you or cheer you up a little–"

"Is it work related, or acutely urgent?", I intervened.

"No."

"I hope you realize that I took up a lot of your tasks, plus I have my own to complete and submit by today. Considering all that, I judge that it would be crucial for us to focus on our own work at hand right now, and refrain from getting chatty", I asserted.

"...Sure, as you say. But you know you can always talk to me, right?"

"I will try to keep reminding myself that."

"Good."

He eyed me with warmth in his gaze, his pursed lips arching into a smile.

He walked forward, and closed his arms around me, carefully leaning his head into the wrinkles of my shirt.

Little did he know, his touch would feel less comforting, and more stiffness-inducing by then.

I tried to lift my own arms into hugging him back, lest my cold behaviour seem too unnatural, but my stubborn muscles refused to move a single inch. 

Dammit! I needed to get a hold on myself, or a hold on him, at that point, though I didn't have to try much longer. 

His hands around my waist moved up slowly, to touch my ungiving wrists, body still resting against me. He gently lifted my hands, and pushed my elbows from behind towards himself, which were somehow both stiffening and going limp at his touch, to bend my arms around his body. 

Every fibre of me wanted to curl my hands further around him, holding him so tight that I could never let go. But alas, as I was closing my eyes to savour his warmth, even for one stolen moment, that fresh, nightmarish reality flashed across my mind. His precious hands, being claimed by someone else. 

I jolted away from him, breaking the hug.

"I'm sorry."

"For what?", he asked. 

"Nevermind. I'll complete the tasks on time. Make sure to leave at five, take care."

.

.

.

Days rolled by, I couldn't tell whether too slow or too fast. Conversations with Jai at work were kept minimal, and outside of work I wasn't taking his calls. Now people might get me wrong here, but it wasn't deliberate. I wasn't ignoring him out of some grudge I was holding against him, but panic freezing and stupid flashbacks were the last things I needed in my life, and Jai's name flashing across my phone was enough to give me just those. 

When a sudden blow drains you, you turn to coping mechanisms, and mine was overworking myself. So, apart from Jai telling me every other day how he had something important to discuss, but chickening out every time I pressed for further information, my only memories of the past week were me putting together a hell lot of stuff and some buzzing appreciation by my colleagues and higher authorities. The next Sunday arrived before I knew it.

As a strategic boss, Mr Kane understood very well, that when a competent employee deliberately overworks, you must milk it. Therefore, it was only expected for me to get a call from him on Sunday afternoon, about a brand new work proposal, which heavily required my involvement. After getting all the details and consenting to it, I cut the call and glared at my screen. 

"11 missed calls from Jai <3."

3 were only from that day.

A dam broke within me. I picked up my phone and started typing furiously. 

That stupid heart was gotten rid of. 'Jai <3' was changed to 'Jayanta Kumar, Office.'

I stared at it again for a few minutes. 

Something about that 'Office' beside his name felt grossly uncomfortable and terribly wrong to me.

'Jayanta Kumar.'

Yes, that looked much better. 

I kept my phone down and proceeded to the revision of some paperwork. 

Within five minutes there was another call, and then another. I figured, if I wouldn't either pick or block this number, I would not be able to work in peace. Irritated, I picked up the third time. 

"Hello?"

"Chayan! You bastard! Why haven't you been taking my calls?"

I wasn't surprised at the tone.

"I'm sorry."

"Really? Fuck you. I've already called five times before this today and now you suddenly decide to pick up and say sorry. You know what? I'm sorry. I'm sorry for being so forgettable and so easy to ignore that I've never had any importance in anyone's life."

Wait. Where did that come from?

"Jai, what's going on? Where are you?"

This did not look good. 

"Why? Does it matter to you? It's not like anybody wants to listen to me, or spend time with me. You too must be tired of me by now! There's no need to pressurize yourself into proving that you're any different. It's okay, no matter how hard it might be, I will learn to stay content with my lonely old self. So don't try to fucking act like you care! Your hero complex is not as helpful as you–"

"Dammit Jai STOP RAMBLING!", I yelled into the phone, silencing him completely. "Where the hell are you?"

A wave of pain washed over me as I heard his small, helpless voice. 

"Park", he barely whispered, followed by a sniff.

"The one from last week? Don't leave until I come, alright? I'll be there in five."

I picked up my bike keys and stormed off.

As soon as I hit the gates, I texted him for his exact location, though I had a hunch it wouldn't be of any use. I waited for a little while, but neither did he see the messages, nor reply. I was losing time, I had to find him.

After getting my ticket punched I rushed into the park.

The jogging track was clear and dotted with the rides area, boating lake, restaurants and other attractions. The rational in me suggested to search all those places, but the core of my heart knew exactly where he could be…

And it wasn't wrong. 

Sure enough, there he was, in the deserted woods near the broken boundaries in the back of the park, sitting on a makeshift heap of bricks. 

The same freaking place where they kissed. 

Anyway. 

I approached him, contemplating whether to put a hand on his shoulder, or not.

Did I have the right?

I didn't know, but I did it anyway, though careful, not to startle him. Whatever happened on the phone felt grim, he certainly needed some physical reassurance. 

"Hey! What's been up?"

"Nothing much. Have a seat."

His head turned towards me at a tired pace. There were visible tear tracks on his face, but his body did not show any immediate signs of an emotional breakdown. His voice sounded less croaked than when he was on call.

His fingernails, though, kept picking at a small piece of hardened mud, digging out specks of dust with every scratch. 

Looked like he had temporarily recovered, some tension was present nonetheless. 

After a bit of hesitation, he cleared his throat and spoke. 

"About that meltdown… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have panic-dialed you in the first place. Even though I did, thinking you were my only friend here, I said some extremely hurtful words that implied differently, and I deeply regret that."

"You really think I'm here to listen to your well-framed-apology bullshit?", I retorted. "You panic-dialed me because something happened, which prompted you to do that. I want to know what was cooking before you called my number."

Jai looked down, unable to meet my eyes. 

"Also stop doing that", I said, pulling his hand away from the gravel. "You'll hurt your fingers."

"I'm not… can we not… discuss this right now?"

"So you're planning to get away that easy?"

"Oh, didn't you? When I asked why you've been missing so many of my calls, and you just said sorry? That was it?"

Shit, we were not going there.

"Uno reverse, Chayan Roy!"

Jai held up the rock 'n' roll salute and shook his arm in the air, in a gesture of mock victory. Soon, the tension in the air diffused into an abrupt fit of giggles. 

Our lingering eyes were on each other for a while. 

I broke the silence first. 

"Can we just… talk? Casually, like old times?"

"Think I can do with that", he admitted, grinning. 

Our hands reached for each other’s.

"Let's go get some coffee."

In a while, we were back to our secret sitting place, away from peoples' sights, with two lattes in our hands. 

It was around time for sunset, but the sky didn't look as majestic as it was looking the other Sunday.

I took a sip of the drink and felt my face pucker.

"Nothing can beat chai dude!"

"Hey! No talking about chai, please", protested Jai.

"Why? How did your 'bordering on obsession' sort of love for chai disappear this fast?"

"Precisely the way you disappeared from my life for a week."

"JAI! I had–"

"WORK! I know. I know."

Passive aggressive, and how! Although he deserved to have his moment, I had to keep the pretence up.

"You're mean", I snapped. 

"Were you describing yourself?"

This asshole!

My fists balled up in the air before I unclenched them and pinched the bridge of my nose in resignation. 

Amused, Jai shook his head.

A comfortable silence settled between us.

Good Lord, how much I missed this! How badly I wanted this!

"Can I, by any chance, get a hint of what you've been accomplishing these days, Mr Workaholic Idiot?", Jai asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Hmm… long list." I tried to recall. "So much happened this week, I hardly remember anything specific. Got a lot of things done, the team was impressed, so I'll take that as a win. And… yes, one more thing, Mr. Kane had called today afternoon. He wants me to go back to fieldwork again as the final supervisor before the project gets completed. That will probably be for a week or two."

I saw a hint of uneasiness flicker through Jai's face, but he covered it up soon.

"You're going alone?"

"No, of course not. Representatives of the departmental teams will also be there. From the main team it's only me. True that I hardly know any of my companions, so it is gonna get a little lonely, but… I'm getting a juicy cheque! Guess that makes up for it."

I let out a laugh and turned to look at Jai.

His face fell almost immediately, losing all its colour. 

"So… you'll not be out of town for two weeks?"

Why did he sound almost on the verge of tears?

"I guess…", I paused, and let silence fall. "... HEY WHAT HAPPENED?"

In an instant, Jai bolted off from his sitting place and ran as fast as he could, scurrying into washroom buildings.

By the time I registered what was happening, he had long disappeared. I too took off in that direction, failing to mimic his speed.

On reaching the washroom, I found the door fastened from inside. 

"JAI! JAI– oh sorry." 

A different person emerged from within, throwing me suspicious glances. The obvious foul smell in the public toilet was killing me, but I couldn't care any less. 

I moved on to the next door, thumping frantically on the fragile looking PVC partition. 

"Please let me know you're inside, Jai open the door!"

No answer. 

"What happened? Was it something I said? Come out please we can talk about it!"

Still no answer. 

After a few failed tries of hitting the door and calling his name, I pressed my ears to the door, to make sure he really went in there.

My assurance came in the form of some muffled sniffles.

He was inside, conscious, and listening. Maybe getting him to respond would require a different approach. 

This time, I pressed my mouth against the crack between the door and it's frame, murmuring softly, "hey, I know you're in there, okay?"

"Answer me honey, please", I implored again, trying to channel all my concern and love for him into my voice. 

"I'm alright", came a barely audible reply. 

My body fell heavily against the wash basin counter, backing away from the washroom door, leaning, in slight relief. 

This day was getting more and more convoluted. 

Alarm kept rising in me every moment, and I kept fighting it to be able to wait patiently. 

Fuck, everything was crumbling down. Why was he running away, why couldn't face me when he crying? Was it because of me distancing myself from him, knowing he had no one else here? How could I be so inhuman, so as to drag us back to square one again– him suffering alone, and I not knowing a thing about why he was doing so!

There was a crack sound. I straightened up on alert.

In no time, a small body wrapped itself around me, crushing me completely. I could already feel tears flooding the front of my shirt. 

My eyes fell shut, legs trembling to steady both of us, not expecting the sudden weight.

I let out another breath I was long holding. 

The sound of his violent sobs filled the cooped up room. 

"You'll... You'll really– I shouldn't–"

His speech broke into another vigorous cry, as he struggled to form words between his sobs.

"Relax, you don't have to speak now."

I kept patting his head and his back in a regular motion, hoping to sooth him for the moment. 

As my fingers touched his hair, he seemed to further give in to the embrace, clutching me tighter, before he gathered himself back up and looked at me.

"No, I have to… you have to listen."

Rubbing his own tears away fiercely, he began again.

"You don't know anything! Last week has been hell. I wasn't getting the credits for a single task I myself was doing, because everyone has this notion I give away all of my assignments to you. That isn't true, but I of course I couldn't get you to give them the real answer, because… because you were… whatever. Yet I didn't fret, mind you! I was still doing parts of my work that I could and keeping my spirits up, looking forward to this very weekend when I… when I..."

I gave his hands a firm squeeze, signaling him to proceed.

His excited voice dropped to a lower pitch. 

"I had texted Arya, to come and see me here today. I had planned to… propose to her."

My hands dropped from his waist, falling in both my sides. Eyes widened, mouth agape, I was struggling to process those words.

"I had texted her, she had seen too", Jai continued, oblivious to my state. "But… she didn't show up. I had been meaning tell you about my plans for a long time now, but you seemed… so cold to me these days. I was working my brain off to figure out what I did wrong, to push you from me like that, cause having you away is… difficult. And now that she hasn't turned up, you'll be leaving, I won't get to see you everyday, it's – it's too much!"

His head found its place back on my chest, fresh wetness forming around his weeping face and my white fabric.

My own hands, shaking with ache, rose to assert their cautious, customary hold on Jai's racked form.

I was getting to know the feeling of riding a rollercoaster in a park, without even sitting on it.

A stray tear rolled down one of my cheeks, the feeling of a dagger stabbing through my heart.

I couldn't keep my voice from breaking, when I suggested, "come, let's get out of here. I'll drive you home. "

Chapter Text

All pretence dropped to shambles as soon as the motorbike hit my house. I couldn't keep this up, I couldn't bear a single more second of any of this.

I was tired of being the bigger person all the time. I was just in love! But in the pursuit of that love, I didn't realize when I had started playing the eraser to his pencil, the wax to his flame. My sacrifice and his dependence ended up breaking us both, let alone winning me love in return.

Yes, he was shattered, and yes, he couldn't be blamed by any logic for breaking my heart, but by this point, I couldn't not feel heartbroken. The weight of everything was crashing down upon me.

He was about to propose. Shit had gotten deep.

He was having a breakdown over her.

He was in love with her.

NO DAMN how did that even happen? I was right beside him from day one and she… she didn't even know him! She wouldn't stay up late to give him company when he would lay tired, half asleep, in a tent, trying to catch glimpses of his favorite B&W films. She wouldn't snatch away scratched objects from a panicked Jai's hand to save his nails from breaking, and she definitely wouldn't get to know Jai's closest, bestest friend. Or would she? Just the thought that Jai might voluntarily let his female lover skim through the sacred pages of that pink book was making me squirm.

How could he! How the hell could he! He had given her everything that wasn't hers. The softness of his fingertips, the plump of his cheeks, those lips whose magic I could only imagine, and most bafflingly, a goddamn place in his heart.

Had he already declared those hers? Then why would he find only my number to call when his temper wouldn't listen to him? Why would he have only my shoulder to cry on when life would be overwhelming? Wasn't that enough unofficial parenting on my part, that too, at risk of my own feelings being crushed to dust? I was so done with this.

I picked up my phone and blocked all calls, texts, and social media communication from him. I couldn't care less about his grief on his 'the one' abandoning him, I had my sanity to take care of.

Didn't have in mind what the fuck was dinner that night. My empty apartment heard me howling my heart out to sleep.

The next morning felt like a resident hangover. Sunlight didn't stream in through the windows like everyday. Instead, the view between the parted curtains looked like a washed out unfinished watercolor painting. The drooped leaves occasionally sparkling with fresh water drops gave away that it must have rained last night. 

My bed wasn't made, I was sleeping on the fancy bedcover which felt considerably wet. Wait, was I still crying that much in my sleep, or… shit.

I left my windows open. 

I hurriedly trotted across the floor to find it all splashed with water, a few brownish-green twigs here and there sticking to the wetness. Looking outside, I saw an enormous banana tree lying broken on the street. Looked like the thunderstorms didn’t go easy, and it reflected in the sights around me.

Just below the windowsill, I spotted my phone. Drenched, but thankfully working. 

Three missed alarms. The date shone bright at the top right corner. 

Crap. I was supposed to report at work by 8 o'clock for the project meeting and be out of town by 9!

Shit shit shit. Why did last night even happen! I blocked Jai, cried to dehydration and forgot to do even the smallest bit of packing. 

Sprinting frantically through the slippery floors to grab my essentials, I somehow stuffed a travel bag and dashed out of my apartment, leaving it in a mess.

The gateway of our office stood packed with vehicles, where workers were busy uncovering materials from waterproof cloth and loading them in. As the only member from the main team, I was making sure everybody was on location and ready to leave, which they more or less were, because I myself was running comparatively late. 

Minutes later I noticed Jai pass from the entrance, formal clothes making him look much less disheveled than yesterday, but his puffy eyes and his hands twitching in his pockets were telltale signs that he was crumbling inside. 

A voice inside of me achingly suggested that I approached him, asked him how he was.

'No,' I schooled myself. For once, I had to learn to choose me.

A huge travel bus, a smaller team, and scattered empty seats everywhere, (including one beside me), set the scene for our ride to construction fields. 

Morning mist had turned the window glass on my right nearly opaque, leaving me with a blocked view of my favourite highway. I made up my mind to deliberately not dwell on the absence of another cherished view on my left as well.

Unloading and settlement felt much more practiced this time. Everyone knew where the tents were, where to keep luggage, how to get ready, and where to report in exactly how many minutes. There wasn't even a quarter of the commotion that was created the last time we were here. However, there was calmness in that commotion, with just the right mix of hopeful anticipation. This time, amidst the perfectly organized behaviour of my team, I couldn't help feeling… restless. Anxious. Not in my element. 

What was happening to me? I was better than letting an immature goof-up in my personal life take over the fascinated engineer in me. This chance was one in a million, well earned, and the entire team was depending on me for the following week. I couldn't let them down.

Resolutely, I walked towards my team members, all set to kick off the day's work.

Despite last night's storms, wet grounds and the general post-rainfall-lazy-moods of people, we slowly but surely made progress. Through all this, I was denying so beautifully the icky feeling in my stomach, that for a stretch of time, it really felt like it didn't exist!

Until, a very mundane conversation became an unfortunate reminder.

"Good work today. Go grab some rest, you'll need it", I told Vanshika from the tech department. 

"No way, I'm so stoked! This fieldwork experience is incredible, and I’m not wasting a minute of this."

"First time?"

"Yeah. Health issues didn’t quite let me come the last time. Which means, now that I'm here, I’m not doing "sleep". I'm gonna stay up all night, in bed, with Dhwani…"

"Woah, slow down there, that’s a lot of information.”

Her eyes widened as the implication of her words dawned on her.

"No! It's… I didn't mean it like that”, she squeaked, a furious blush rising in her cheeks. “I'm not… out to anyone yet, and I certainly haven't asked her out. So not that, but we do have plans to hang out after work. You know, chilling, maybe we'll cosy up in the tent, catch a movie…"

Something twisted in my guts.

"Movies are dumb," I blurted.

"What?"

She stared at me, raising an eyebrow.

"I… well… I only meant… there should be better date ideas than cosying up and catching a movie, right? No?"

She still looked perplexed. 

"You're in a tent, in the open air. Sit outside, stargaze, listen to the sounds of... crickets or something."

"Ooukay… yeah. Thanks. See you."

"All the best," I tried to cheer after her.

Screw me, what was I even saying! Ridiculous.

Cosying up and watching a movie is ridiculous.

No! Whatever was slipping off me in that conversation was ridiculous. Aaahhh fuck it.

I moved to my tent and curled inside my bedsheets, turning on the TV to fill the silence. And I kept watching it, long into the evening. Alone.

This felt nice. Slightly caustic, but mostly nice.

Around 9 o'clock, I got a call from the HR.

"Hello sir. May I drop a casual piece of bad news?"

"Wow. Will that explain why the several calls I made to Mr Haru and you over the past hour went unanswered?"

"It will, sir. Mr Haru has fallen severely ill, the common diarrhea and influenza, but together. Hence, he ordered you to temporarily take up the position of team leader."

"What? No", I groaned. "Am I really the only team member visible to him? Where does everyone else disappear when he dumps all the work on me?

"No offense sir, but if you gladly let this certain other team member dump all his work on you, whenever wherever, why shouldn't Mr Haru too feel welcome?"

A streak of panic rose in me.

"You… what exactly are you talking about?", I stammered in a defensive tone.

"I am only stating what we all know, sir. Anyway", he replied. "Let's come to the point."

"Please do", I begged. "What will my additional responsibilities be?"

His gossipy tone instantly cooled down to the strict professional, and I released a sigh of relief. 

"As the project is nearing its end, not much. The team members back in office have been assigned minor jobs in different projects. So you'll have only the field to manage. Kindly maintain the daily overall progress records, as well as note individual employee performances. I have given your cell number to all the construction workers as well, so any last minute crisis, they inform you, and you inform the office."

"Will that be all?"

"One more thing, I will probably be calling you everyday, same time, if it works for you. You'll have to verify the details and the biodata of all seven members of the main team, one by one, and wrap up before we forward the information to the authorities, regarding the employees involved in the project."

"Will do."

"Let's start with one today?"

"Yes, who do we have?"

"First… Jayanta Kumar."

My eyes pressed shut in a wince, but I couldn't let it out.

“Some other", I casually insisted. 

"Suit yourself. Next, Chayan Roy."

"Let's do it."

.

.

.

Day three of the second shift of fieldwork. A project backed by the relentless hard work of several starved and sleep-deprived employees was finally taking shape. Must have felt like a dream, right?

Not when your heartstrings go off every second, tugging at each other furiously, every time you face a familiar sight.

That day, half wet from the drizzle, I was walking towards the common dining at lunchtime. 

In line for food before me were Shloka and Ved, engaged in an animated conversation. I couldn't help but overhear.

"So basically, they took the bunch of bananas, and kept it on... guess what?"

A shock took over Ved’s features.

"NO! Noooooo no way don't tell me it's–"

"A mahogany study table, yes!"

Both of them screamed the last sentence and burst out laughing, tumbling onto each other.

"What's so funny?", I asked, looking between them both.

Conscious of my presence, their hands flew straight to cover their mouths, as they struggled to stop their giggles from bursting.

"Sorry", Ved whispered. 

"No, I genuinely wanted to know what's funny", I said. "No ban on cracking jokes, but... share maybe?"

Their eyes met, mischief clear in them, before another odd guffaw escaped their mouths. 

"I'm so sorry, it's a bit of an inside joke, you probably wouldn't get it."

...Right. Of course. 

"Sir, you still with us?"

"Oh yes, yes, definitely I wouldn't get it. Carry on!"

My mind defiantly wandered towards my personal partner in crime. The way his face would light up when he would hear some words only we knew the implied meaning behind. His head falling back, those wrinkles around his closing eyes, that damned sound of his laughter. Everything kept rushing through my brain in a mess, clouding my senses.

Why was he getting to do this to me? Heck, why was I letting him do this to me? There was no way I could blame him for my misery. He hadn’t asked me, I hadn’t told him. So he had found himself some girl to date. Was it betrayal? Definitely not. Then it wasn’t the circumstance giving me sorrow, I was inviting it myself. Only I was to blame. And somehow that made me feel even more miserable.

Second half of the workday came with bouts of heavy rain, and roaring dark clouds, which eventually smoothened into a pleasant drizzle. After literal days, the sun shone for the first time.

It was then that the team was dismissed, and we all walked towards our respective stays. A magnificent rainbow made itself visible on the eastern side of the sky.

Someone had gotten lucky.

As I watched from behind, hand in hand, Dhwani and Vanshika walked towards the same tent, in the direction of the rainbow. The ethereal arc of colours bent above them in a picture perfect frame. 

To my absolute shock and disdain, anger crawled in through all my veins at that sight.

This had to be him, making it physically impossible for me to be happy in any situation. It had to be envy, spite, or affliction, the strength of some evil emotion which made me flinch when my own fist hit smack on the palm of my other hand.

A sharp turn, and I walked the opposite way.

I hated the person I had become.

My cell rang as soon as I entered the tent. An unknown number.

I considered letting it ring, but the thing wouldn’t stop for a whole minute! Wasn't in any mood to blabber, but it could be some construction worker, having last minute trouble, expecting the team leader to pick up his calls and do his damn job. That hit me, and I hit the green button in turn.

“Hello!”

My attempt was to simply say it, but what came out was more like a bark. 

Moments passed, I waited. Complete silence from the other side.

“Hello?”

Another attempt at revoking a response, followed by yet another violent one.

“Answer the phone, Goddammit!”

Still silence. Maybe the sound of a shaky breath sucked in.

“If you can speak, then speak, or else to hell with it.”

I hung up that instant.

The number which flashed at me from the screen didn’t ring a single bell. Yet the deep unsettlement within me only aggravated. Who could it have been? Why at all did I care?

I had a thousand reasons to dismiss that strange call as a simple mistake by any worker, but my nerves refused to concede, leaving me fidgeting in my bed all evening.

Right at 9, I got the scheduled call from HR.

"Hello sir, would you be kind enough to verify the biodata of today’s employee?"

“Name please”, I muttered, exhausted.

“Jayanta Kumar.”

“WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT?”

“Excuse me?”

Before I could comprehend what I was doing, I found myself yelling into the phone at the mere mention of his name. Was I losing my mind? I desperately wanted to stop, but now that the rage started to release, control was out of my reach.

“Why on earth would you do this to me every day? From the very first call, everytime I ask for an employee's name, all you come up with is his. Just yesterday I told you I don’t wanna talk about him now. Why would you insist again today? Can’t you say names in alphabetical order?”

“Okay... since we did yours on the first day, and Mr Haru’s on the second, alphabetically too, it's Mr Kumar for today’”, he replied calmly.

“Then what about reverse alphabetical order?”, I spat, resisting the urge to fling my phone across the room.

“Vidyut Khanna.”

My eyes squeezed shut, my throat letting out an audible groan.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this today. I’m gonna squeeze in two calls tomorrow, I promise. Just please pardon me today.”

“Absolutely sir, you’ll adjust later, I don’t doubt that. Besides, it will probably not be the best idea to proceed with an official call if you continue using that tone. Good evening sir, thank you.”

The call ended with a screech from the other side. The hand pressing my phone to my ear lost its grip, causing the cell to drop on the floor with a blunt sound.

What had I just done, what had I become?

An absolute wreck, without him.

My legs gave out as I hit the ground, falling on my knees. Gasping at the pain, my lips moved wide apart. Eyeballs almost hurt at how much I was squeezing my eyelids, trying to hold the tears in. But no, they wouldn't be bound. One by one they slid down my cheeks, as my hands aggressively moved up to wipe them.

That’s what I was.

An absolute wreck without him.

.

.

.

Day seven. Our second last day on that project, as on the next, at about midday, we’d all pack up and leave.

A dream project, a national feat.

Personally for me, memories. Lots of them. Pleasant or otherwise. With or without him.

...and I was beginning to come to terms with the fact that the larger chunk of pleasant memories were the ones made with him.

I fetched my ID badge and walked out to get to work.

That corner around the bend didn’t look the same. The structures there, the complications in which had won me all the praise for my “expert problem solving skills”, stood tall. All built, executed.

Wasn’t it just yesterday when I was breaking down the design complications for Jai? Holding a bundle of the 3D diagrams in my hand, while he was listening intently. “Something’s up for sure, Jai”, I had teasingly remarked. “We’re discussing technical stuff, and you almost look… interested?”

Gaze still fixed on mine, he had replied, “only because you’re explaining it.” 

Oh that cocky grin! It had been days since I had seen it.

“Sir, thanks for the help there.” A colleague broke my train of thought.

“No mention needed’, I replied, smiling. “It was teamwork after all.”

“Of course."

I moved forward to shake his hand.

"Oh! Sir, your pen just fell out.”

“It’s okay I’ll get it."

“No no sir, I'm doing it", he said, bending down. "Just make sure to clip it to your pocket next time.”

“Umm… I don't think the clip is intact", I mused under my breath.

He inspected my pen in his hand for a minute.

"Broken?"

I nodded, and murmured even lower, "perhaps it couldn’t tolerate all of that flicking.”

He did not miss it, as I hoped he would.

“Surely then, the pen must be Mr. Kumar’s, isn't it? Did he give it to you?”

…No. I had snatched it from him on a stressful evening, when his fingers were at work on it’s clip, and ever since I had kept it with me, cause I missed him.

Of course I couldn’t tell people that.

“Yes, he had given it to me.”

“I see. Ahmed was looking for you, could you come?”

And just like that it was evening. The whole team got seated around the blazing campfire. Party was just getting started, with everyone arranging foods and mixing drinks. Except this time, I didn’t have someone to nag me into buying fruit beer, so that I too would have something to drink. The party literally felt fruit-less without him. A bad pun? Yes, but he’d laugh at it for sure.

Ved showed up beside me. 

“Wanna see some dope stuff?”

“Absolutely”, I complied with a wry smile. “Do show.”

A compact camera got pulled out of his small purse.

“I clicked these.”

On the tiny screen in front of me were visions in all seven colours. Two pretty figures in crumpled clothes, holding hands and meeting gazes affectionately, while, what it looked like, striding forward, as the bow of split light arched over them.

Although my feelings about the same scene weren’t very pleasant last day, this double take had me feeling different. Almost as if something very close to yearning had been unearthed from the depths of denial and frustration.

“Ved that’s… really something. Where did you learn to click like that?”

“My mind's eye, maybe?" He laughed a little. "I don't know. I feel like as much as photography is about taking courses on the perfect angle and aperture, it’s equally about looking out for the right moments. And this definitely was one.”

“Hmm… So you think they're cute together?”

“Cute? Sure. Together? Not officially. As of yet, that is, but it's just a matter of time. I mean, look at them! I'm already planning on gifting them these, framed, on their eventual first anniversary.”

"Wholesome, huh?" I commended him. "You put up such tough competition, now what present shall I get you for your first anniversary?"

"Don't be silly, Shloka and I are not together."

"And yet you knew exactly who I was talking about!"

A moment of surprise, on being caught red handed, and then a slow smile spread on Ved’s face. 

"Actually… I don't... quite get this whole deal of officially being together. Like what, you're excited about being the only person allowed to shove your tongue down the other's throat?"

"Good joke, but don't tell me you don't want that", I teased.

"I do", he replied sincerely. "And I'm not saying that's not a good right to want. Kissing your person is beautiful… and special, but… we are all so engrossed in chasing something that's presently unattainable, we forget to cherish what we already get to experience."

"You're saying, she's unattainable? That Shloka isn't into you?"

"No, I'm saying I don't know, neither does she, and we're not in a hurry to figure it out. I asked her if she's interested, but she's just got out of a toxic relationship, took up a new job, and re-established connection with a childhood sweetheart. It's all complicated, and she's still adjusting. So she doesn't even know if she wants a relationship right now, whether or not with me. And that's okay. Honestly, we both feel the chemistry, and we could have jumped right into further stages without being on the same page first, but then all we'd end up with are hurt feelings, lots of drama and one single regret, that I wouldn't get to see her laugh so freely when she would be with me. And I wouldn’t want to miss that. Do I want to hold her and kiss the daylights off her? Absolutely. But am I going to force her to rush into it, and jeopardize what we already have if it doesn't end well? Absolutely not. A messy romantic situation can never replace our little high fives, comforting hugs, and the twinkle in her eyes when I make a shitty romcom reference. I wanna keep all that, and wait for when she's ready. Even if that's never, I'll not regret my waiting."

Wow. Yeah… absolutely.

“Damn, you're profound. Have you considered starting a relationship podcast?"

"No, that would be too much fun for a nerd like me. I like my grump job", he admitted.

"Yeah, me too, man, me too… And Ved?"

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

I hugged him, and stole myself away from the party. To slip back into my tent, straight to the washroom.

A white wash basin, flowing water. Mirror in front, and my reflection on it. I could see my expressions changing as gradual realizations crashed over me.

Choose me. I wanted to choose me, but I had forgotten that choosing myself also meant choosing to feel what I felt like, and act how I wanted to act. Loving Jai had become such an inherent part of me those few months, that without helping him, holding him, seeing him smile, I wouldn't remain myself anymore. Choosing me meant not giving a fuck to circumstances, and continuing to live, love, and give freely. Therefore, by feigning withdrawal at him unknowingly breaking my heart, I was hurting myself and him even more.

I couldn't choose me without choosing him, and no matter who he would chose, my act of choosing him again and again, alongside respecting his personal boundaries, would be the closest thing to my authentic self at that point.

I splashed my face with ice-cold water, to hurt my foolishness, to heal my scars and embrace my wisdom. Maybe to even merge the lines between tap water and my warm tears. 

My body slid down onto the bathroom floor. Some tissues were torn off from the roll, and I stuffed it in my mouth to stop the sobs from making any sound. But they did, and I found myself giving up, cause unlike last time, I actually wanted to let it out.

The moment felt like resurrection, as though the mortal human in me was breaking to have to let go of grudges, but my spirit was ecstatic to know I had learnt better.

I didn't know if that day's 9 p.m. call had come. I shut my phone, turned out the lights and went to sleep.

The next morning felt more fresh than I could ever describe. The chirping birds and the buzzing chaos of people packing to leave felt familiar again. Not unsettling, but comforting. 

I was rejuvenated from deep inside. I was ready; to face the world, face life, and face him. Any prospect of him.

That made me ring up the HR to fulfill my neglected duties.

"Hello, greetings K&K firms, what can I do for you?"

"Well, I'm Mr. Roy, and… I'm sorry for not being able to take your call yesterday."

"Oh, I see you're keeping busy, sir. Doing what? Consoling that one colleague of yours who's whining these days cause you're not around to do his job?"

"I'll stop you right there, mister, and as the team leader, tell you that it's none of your business to enquire why and how I was busy, but I will still oblige you with the information that it's my duty to keep track of who is doing what job in my team, and I'm more than capable of handling that alone. So, if you could you please move on from that department and address the fact that I'm now ready to revise the biodata of Mr. Jayanta Kumar?"

"Oh… sure, sir, if you insist. Let's start. The name, spelling, father's name, city of origin, all that's in place. Next... birthdate. September 1st, 1990."

"What, wait, 1st September? As in yesterday?"

"Indeed."

"Oh shit! Okay, go over the rest of the document quickly, I have another call to make."

In a few minutes I wrapped up the cross-checking, and came up with an amazing plan. Of course, I couldn’t call Jai out of the blue, and wish him happy birthday after blocking him for an entire week, so I decided to go back in town and throw this amazing belated birthday party for him. To surprise him, apologize to him, fix what I had broken, and once and for all, make peace with reality.

I started to ring Arya to see if she would be up for some fun, and crossed my fingers hard, hoping my plan would work out.