Chapter Text
[Monday, 8:13 PM]
the best magician of all time has created a chat.
the best magician of all time has added: dilf, addy ;)
the best magician of all time has renamed the chat: crimesolving trio unite
addy ;) has renamed addy ;) to Stratton
the best magician of all time: your probably wondering why i have brought you all here
the best magician of all time: wait addy no
Stratton: Harry, this is really a breach of professionality
the best magician of all time: i’d like to breach your professionality ;)))))
dilf: Harry!
Stratton has removed: Stratton
the best magician of all time has added: Stratton
the best magician of all time: i was kidding!!!! don’t leave :(
Stratton has removed: Stratton
the best magician of all time has added: Stratton
the best magician of all time: cmon! this will be great for talking to each other about crimes! rightttttttttttt????????
the best magician of all time: WAIT
the best magician of all time has added: Mustache Man TM.
dilf: Sergeant?
Mustache Man TM: I’m sorry, who is this?
Stratton has removed: Mustache Man TM
Stratton: I. Am going to Murder you.
the best magician of all time: :D
dilf: How do you change names?
the best magician of all time: [thats-a-surprise-tool.jpg]
dilf: What does that mean.
dilf: Ms. Stratton?
[Tuesday, 12:35 PM]
dilf has renamed the chat: crime-solving trio unite
dilf: It needed to be hyphenated.
the best magician of all time: are you
the best magician of all time: are you not going to change your name
dilf: why would I?
Stratton: God allow me to die
the best magician of all time: shushhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
Stratton: Don’t shush me asshole
the best magician of all time: rude :((((((((((
dilf: Language! Would you like to tell me what it means now?
the best magician of all time: no
[Tuesday, 8:12 PM]
dilf has renamed dilf to Arthur
Arthur: Harry.
Arthur: Harry, I can see you read this.
the best magician of all time: who told you?
Arthur: Mary.
the best magician of all time: oh
the best magician of all time: oh no
the best magician of all time: your mad arent you
[Tuesday, 1:35 AM]
Arthur: *You’re *Aren’t
the best magician of all time: correction, VERY mad
Arthur: I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed in you.
the best magician of all time: THATS WORSE AND YOU KNOW IT
Stratton: Please go to bed
Arthur: Ah, apologies Constable.
the best magician of all time: I want to complain about this purely to be opposed to artie
Arthur: Do not call me that.
the best magician of all time: but he’s right, you deserve better than waking up to 99+ notifications addie dear
the best magician of all time: so I will do as you bid
Arthur: Wow, not a single comment about your bedmate? I’m frankly impressed.
the best magician of all time: and stop keeping my lovely lady friend waiting ;)
Arthur: There it is.
Notes:
yes I'm making a chat fic for a tiny dead fandom, none of you can stop me. anyway this has no plot its just whatever I find funniest. and that includes that while you can imagine this as a modern au if you want, I think its infinitely better to picture this as the 1900s but with cellphones and memes and I'm going to lean into that
Chapter 2: what the fuck arthur
Chapter Text
[Saturday, 7:35 AM]
Arthur: Blood?
Arthur: How to get blood out of clothing?
the best magician of all time: ???
Stratton: This isn’t google Doyle
Arthur: I know.
the best magician of all time: ??????????
Arthur: I just thought you two might know.
the best magician of all time: IM NOT A FUCKING SERIAL KILLER DOYLE
Arthur: With the amount of blood I’ve seen come out of your body you ought to know!
Arthur: Take better care of yourself, Harry!
the best magician of all time: hey this is not time for an intervention this is time for you to tell me you’re not a serial killer
Arthur: I’m not a serial killer.
the best magician of all time: suspicious answer
Arthur: It’s for my writing.
the best magician of all time: OHHH SURE yeah that’s what a bestselling serial killer offer would say!!
Arthur: *Author
Arthur: Nevermind.
the best magician of all time: nuh uh I’m not letting this go
the best magician of all time: addie what’s ur opinion on this matter anyway
[Saturday, 7:41 AM]
Stratton has created a Private Message with Arthur.
Stratton: Use cold water and hydrogen peroxide by hand. This is assuming its soon after though
Arthur: Yes. Thank you.
Stratton: Your daughter started her period didnt she?
Arthur: Yes…
Stratton: If that girl asks for chocolate give it to her.
Stratton: And if you tell that twelve year old she’s becoming a woman Im going to strangle you
Arthur: That’s fair.
Arthur: Really, thank you.
Stratton has deleted this Private Message.
[Saturday, 7:46 AM]
[crime-solving trio unite]
Stratton: I think you should be addicted to shutting the fuck up
the best magician of all time: 1) we stan a secret meme queen 2) wow uncalled for
Stratton: I have no clue what you’re talking about. I just hate you.
the best magician of all time: >:0
Stratton: I’m going back to bed because its before nine on a weekend, I think you all should too
the best magician of all time: imagine thinking nine was sleeping in late
Stratton: Good luck on covering up a murder, Doyle
Arthur: At this rate they’ll never find the body!
the best magician of all time: ASDFGHJKLZXCVB
the best magician of all time has renamed Arthur to ted bundy but not a dick
ted bundy but not a dick has renamed the best magician of all time to Masochist
ted bundy but not a dick: Two can play at that game. (:
Masochist: i am not!!!!!!
Masochist: wait
Masochist: addie
Masochist: addie how did you lock the names
Masochist: ur not even the creator of this chat
Stratton: [modern_problems_require_modern_solutions.jpg]
ted bundy but not a dick: What.
Masochist: well cant argue with that logic
J (Guest) on Chapter 1 Sat 05 Sep 2020 02:56AM UTC
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melonpen on Chapter 1 Sat 05 Sep 2020 09:41PM UTC
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Hatska2Wolf on Chapter 1 Sun 22 Nov 2020 11:12PM UTC
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