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He takes Roy to Diggle’s place for dinner even though it’s the last place he wants to be right now.
He doesn’t want to see Diggle and Lyla and baby Sara play happy family. He loves them all, but right now it just twists the knife further into his wound… and he can’t take it.
But he does. He bears it like he bore the Island and Hong Kong and Waller and Russia - he grits his teeth and forces himself to move on.
Also, Roy needs someone, he needs family and John and Lyla are exactly that.
He looks at his partner and Lyla throw not-so-subtle glances at each other and happy smiles, he watches as Roy plays with Sara, blowing raspberries onto her stomach and he listens to the little girl’s giggles. He’s glad Roy is able to get some peace of mind and forget what’s been plaguing him for the time being.
He wishes he could do the same.
He’s genuinely happy for his friends, but their little family, those little happy smiles, their precious baby girl… They just remind him of everything he can’t have.
And everything he desperately wants.
Oliver and Roy leave when Digg goes to put Sara to bed.
Lyla packs them a bunch of leftovers and sees them off with a kiss on their cheeks, making them promise they’d come over again.
They part on the street. Roy heads off towards his place in the Glades and Oliver… Oliver remains rooted in his place for a moment longer.
Because where does he have to go?
Thea’s place is not an option. She’d be home and he doesn’t feel like dealing with her questions about his current state.
He lost his home six months ago.
He lost his company.
He lost any kind of hope at having any semblance of a future.
He wishes his mother was still here. He could really use some of those chest-crushing hugs of hers right now.
Back to the Foundry it is.
Yet another stark reminder that he is nothing more than his mission. That he shouldn’t strive to be. Because it’s obviously not in the cards for him.
He knows he shouldn’t drive, but he gets on that motorcycle anyway. Because tonight, he doesn’t care if he makes it to Verdant or not.
He does make it. And the moment the steel door slams shut behind him he’s in hell again.
Only this time - unlike the Island, and Hong Kong and Russia - it’s Hell of his own making.
It’s his own fault.
Because he gave up on the one person who never gave up on him.
He is surrounded by her, even though she is nowhere in sight.
So he does the only thing he knows how - he fights it out.
The training dummy actually cracks under the force he uses.
His knuckles are bleeding, but he can’t feel the pain.
He feels like he can’t breathe. His throat is unwilling to let the air he inhales reach his lungs.
He collapses to the ground, his feet giving out.
He never asked for any of this. He never asked for this life - in a cold basement. He never asked to be a hero - he just wanted to live long enough to see his mother and sister again. He never asked for her - and the way she changed everything about him.
For the first time since the night of his mother’s murder, Oliver cries. And cries.
And cries.
Until he runs out of tears.