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Chapter Text

Jiang Wanyin tried to hide it but it was getting worse. He didn’t know what went wrong but his core was dying. Nothing he did was working - the meditations weren't helping, the night-hunts he went to only brought danger to his disciples since he couldn’t protect them. Ever since that night at Guanyin Temple three years ago, his core refused to generate and circulate his qi properly that he often felt drained and extremely exhausted. He oversaw the disciples training less and less and he began to coop inside his office for longer hours, fearing his people uncovered this inconvenience.

When he said he didn’t know what went wrong, he was somewhat lying to himself. Jiang Wanyin knew that there was nothing wrong with his body. This wasn’t some sort of illness that could be cured through herbs and bandages. The revelation that his core wasn’t restored but was instead replaced – by Wei Wuxian of all people! – had caused such an unrest within his mind and heart that his subconscious was balking whenever at the thought the qi running through his body was not his .

His mind was violently rejecting the core to the point that the core is dying – the rejection of the core killed the body.

At the rate the rejected core was messing up with the qi within him, unless he cut the core out from him, Jiang Wanyin would die within one year. His private healer had warned him of his eventual demise if he was unable to find a way to calm his heart because he didn’t dare to do the operation due to lack of precedent cases and Wen Zhuliu was dead for nearly twenty years. But how could Jiang Wanyin control anything his heart felt?

How would anybody know how it felt like to be lied to for years – to be made believed by his most trusted person, only to have the secret broken in such a humiliating manner? How would anyone understand how he had felt to be told off by the ghost general, who had killed Jin Ling's father and had belonged to the sect that had massacred his whole family? To be told that he would always be beneath Wei Wuxian; like all of his efforts of rebuilding his sect from the literal ashes to the current glory meant nothing in the face of Wei Wuxian’s greatness, all because the core wasn't his?!

And how was Jiang Wanyin to find any resemblance of peace, when his former sworn brother didn't even deign him worthy of any word other than a single 'sorry'? As if all the heartaches and betrayals and broken promises between them could be erased or healed with that word being carelessly thrown at him? Didn’t Wei Wuxian know how much he had and still suffered for them. Didn’t Wei Wuxian know how much he was still bleeding for them ?

These myriad of dark, viscous thoughts suffocated him.

Jiang Wanyin didn't know how to find his way back.

Even if he wanted to live, he didn't know how to save himself.

          * * * * *

At some point, Jin Ling would eventually find out. Jiang Wanyin knew that this was something he couldn’t hide, especially since his health was worsening at a more rapid rate. But he had wished, at the very least, that he could spare Jin Ling from worrying for him and that when he was dead, Jin Ling could just bury him and move on with his life. He would never wish for Jin Ling to see him dying .

“Jiujiu! Jiujiu!” The sound of Jin Ling’s loud voice boomed from outside of his door, startling Jiang Wanyin’s heart into a fast-paced thumping.

Shit … Jiang Wanyin thought as he scrambled on his feet to greet his nephew’s sudden arrival. But he wasn’t ready. Last night was bad. His golden core was in its usual disaster state – only last night had been the worst – and it had left Jiang Wanyin utterly weak and exhausted. The way his core was attacking his own body was unpredictable and so, so painful. When he woke up this morning, Jiang Wanyin could barely find the strength to even put his hair into its usual bun.

“Jiujiu! I’m here to visit you. What are you doing in there? Are you still sleeping?!” The tone was a mixture of impatience and worry.

“Jin Ling,” Jiang Wanyin called out, silently cursing how shaky it sounded. “Jin Ling.” He tried again. “Wait outside, I’m coming out.”

There was a suspicious silence from Jin Ling and Jiang Wanyin held his breath, hoping he would listen to him. After a while, Jiang Wanyin slowly exhaled a soft breath of relief, thinking Jin Ling had really gone away. So, he braced himself to push himself into a standing position, hating each wave of tremor in his muscles. He reached out his robe and painstakingly tied each string over his front before he picked up a comb in his best attempt to hair. He had expected Jin Ling to ask questions about his less-than-stellar appearance during the meeting later, so he had already prepared a list of excuses to tell Jin Ling if he asked.

What he didn’t expect was Jin Ling flinging the door open.

And he didn’t expect Jin Ling to see him in this complete state of unpreparedness.

With his eyes darkened with bruises from exhaustion, his skin pallor was deathlike white and his breathing heavy from the slight exertion.

“Jiujiu!!!” Jin Ling was in the state of shock. He just saw his uncle two weeks ago! “Wha- what happened to you?” He ran towards his uncle, like a child running towards his mother in distress, before placing his hands on Jiang Wanyin’s shoulders. At nineteen years old, Jin Ling had shot up in his growth and right now, he was taller than his late father was. Which also meant he had now grown taller than Jiang Wanyin even if it was on by a mere inch – it never failed to make Jiang Wanyin feel both prideful and annoying at having his nephew towering over him. “Are you sick?!”

Jiang Wanyin tried to brush aside the concern with his usual scowl. “Even if I am, I can handle myself.”

Jin Ling inherited stubbornness from his Jiang side. “How are you handling it? You refused my invitation to go night-hunt for the last two months and you even refused coming to Jinlin Tai for a banquet.” Jin Ling narrowed his eyes. “Jiang Yanhuo said you even stopped training the disciples.”

That traitor. Jiang Wanyin thought of his head disciple. Does he have to blab everything to Jin Ling? It was fine, he could still salvage this. Jin Ling could still be kept in the dark. Jiang Wanyin glared at Jin Ling as he tried to walk past him to go to the vanity table for his ribbon. “Jiang Yanhuo is a worrywart. He would worry even at the inanest thing. Why are you listening to him?”

Jin Ling’s intense gaze followed his uncle walking towards the table. He took in the way Jiang Wanyin was walking slowly – carefully – and the way he took each breath deep and deliberate. Jin Ling grounded his teeth in frustration when he saw the slight trembling in Jiang Wanyin’s fingers as he reached out for his ribbon and how the tremble intensified when he lifted his hands to tie his hair. Worry within him heightened.

“Don’t lie to me, Jiujiu…”

Jiang Wanyin inhaled sharply at those words.

“Why are you lying to me?” Jin Ling’s voice was thick with emotion. “You never did before.”

Jiang Wanyin closed his eyes in sorrow. He was weak against his nephew – the only person in this world that he loved the most. If he turned to face Jin Ling, Jiang Wanyin knew he would tell him everything. Just because Jin Ling wanted that from him.

Jin Ling walked towards his uncle, stopped just a step away from him and he raised his hands to hold his shoulders to turn him towards him. “Jiujiu, tell me please. What’s happening to you? Are you sick? Are you on treatment? Please, please tell me. I do not wish to be kept in the dark, especially when it’s about my family.”

His voice dropped into a soft plea. “…And you are my only one family’s left…”

Jiang Wanyin exhaled a shuddering breath because he knew he was losing - he couldn’t deny Jin Ling. He never did. So, he lifted his eyes to meet his nephew and sighed in regret when he saw those dark eyes were shimmering with unshed tears. Even as tall as Jin Ling was, Jiang Wanyin was reminded of his vulnerability and youth and desperation to hold on to his family and he knew he was even crueller to think he could keep this out from Jin Ling.

“Why don’t we sit down first,” Jiang Wanyin said.

Jin Ling nodded and he sat, not on the other side of the table like a sect leader that he was, but next to Jiang Wanyin, shoulders brushed closed and he hold on Jiang Wanyin’s hands like he was still ten years old, young and sad, as Jiang Wanyin told him about his mother. He clung on to Jiang Wanyin, afraid of the news – afraid of the possibility of bad news.

Jiang Wanyin sat silently for a while, trying to search for a more comforting way to say it. Eventually he realised there was none. Taking a deep breath, he said softly, “My core is dying, A-Ling…”

Jin Ling inhaled sharply. “Why?”

“I don’t know…”

“I said don’t lie to me!” Jin Ling barked; tears flooded in his eyes, his grip on his uncle tightened.

Jiang Wanyin stiffened at the harsh tone. He knew it came from fear and so, he just sighed softly as he turned away. “…I think my body – my conscious – is rejecting the core.”

“But why now?” Jin Ling insisted.

“This isn’t a sudden occurrence, but it has never been this bad and rapid before. Before it was just an occasional flared up-“

“What did you mean before ?! How long has this been going on?!”

The anger in Jin Ling’s voice was unmistakable. Jiang Wanyin knew he was hurt by this cover-up. He could never prevaricate any longer, so, he answered truthfully, “It started six months after the Guanyin Temple.”

“More than TWO YEARS?!” Jin Ling exclaimed. “Jiujiu! Why didn’t you tell me?” The sadness was heart-breaking.

“A-Ling, two years ago, you were still fighting for your place in Jinlin Tai. Two years ago, you were still hurting from your shushu’s betrayal and you were still trying to clean up the mess left by him. I had only wanted to help you then and I decided that I would never burden you with my problem.” Jiang Wanyin said firmly. “It’s my job to protect you, not the other way around.”

Personally Jin Ling felt insulted. He would be nineteen next month. He was a sect leader for two years already. He was more than capable of supporting and protecting his uncle right now. Why was his uncle still treating him like a child? “What are the effects from this?” He asked instead.

“My body is rejecting the core and due to that, the core can’t generate and circulate the qi. So… I can’t cultivate with a core dying like this. Fa-yisheng said I have to make my body accept the core once more, like I did before, but-” Jiang Wanyin gave a humourless quirk of a smile to Jin Ling. “-but how do we make any organ within us do anything that we want? Just as I can’t control my heart beating, pumping my blood, I can’t control the core to generate and circulate the qi. What Fa-yisheng was giving me was a death verdict without ever saying one. How sly he was…”

Jin Ling was crying, tears streaming down his cheeks and grips unclenched, but he didn’t care. “But-- but, if it started since Guanyin Temple… and shushu said that your core was given by Wei Wuxian, and you never had a problem with it until it was revealed to you… it’s that why…?”

Jiang Wanyin didn’t want to tell his nephew that the wound had started bleeding even before that – that it had started with the General Ghost. It had started with that vile revelation that caused his mind to reject this alien thing within him – this unwanted, unneeded poisonous thing within him. How low was he in the eyes of the Ghost General? In the eyes of Wei Wuxian? Jiang Wanyin didn’t think he had the courage to find out. “It doesn’t matter,” Jiang Wanyin said.

Jin Ling watched the light in Jiang Wanyin’s eyes stuttered close and he knew his uncle was done talking about the Guanyin Temple incident. So, he diverted the conversation. “Can’t we just… take it out? If the core is the cause of it, can’t we, you know, take it out?”

“I have thought about that but there were only two people who could do that – one was executed by the Jinlin Tai and the other one was killed by me.” Jiang Wanyin said. He had never regretted killing Wen Zhuliu even now. “Fa-yisheng said if he tried – without proper knowledge, it would kill me.”

“So… what does this mean?” Jin Ling’s face went red in anger. “You simply gave up?!”

“I didn’t want to tell you in the first place because I don’t want you to wallow. I don’t want this to be a thing you’re worrying yourself with. There’s nothing left to be done and this is not going to have a happy ending, Jin Ling!” Jiang Wanyin glowered. “I just want you to move on with your life.”

“How am I supposed to move on?!” Jin Ling jumped on his feet, enraged. “Am I supposed to leave my only family to die without exhausting any other option?!”

Jiang Wanyin stood up as well. “Drop it!” He glared. “Don’t you think I’ve asked every healer in Yunmeng?! Don’t you think I’ve tried every possible option?”

Yunmeng? Jin Ling halted. “Every healer in Yunmeng, you say?”

Jiang Wanyin frowned. “And Jinlin Tai as well.” He added, wary at the sudden thoughtful look on Jin Ling’s face.

“…But not… Gusu Lan?”

Jiang Wanyin inhaled sharply. He knew where Jin Ling was heading and he didn’t like it. “Jin Ling! Whatever’s going on in that head of yours, stop it!” Jiang Wanyin snapped; his hands akimbo. “Sect Leader Lan is still in seclusion and don’t you dare disturb Grandmaster Lan!”

Jiang Wanyin hadn’t seen Lan Xichen ever since the man entered seclusion. He had wanted to go to him but how could he when he, himself, was a mess that couldn’t be untangled. He couldn’t help himself, how was he supposed to save anybody else? That accursed night changed everybody. Even when Jiang Wanyin thought there would be nothing in the world that could hurt him more than losing his family, Wei Wuxian had to prove him wrong. The knowledge the core within him wasn’t his and the lost of core was the reason Wei Wuxian turning to demonic cultivation poisoned every drop of his blood, every inch of his skin and every breath he took. He didn’t want to go to Lan Xichen with his feelings in such turmoil - not when he felt like an impostor under someone else’s skin.

Whatever they had felt for each other before Wei Wuxian turned up was now destroyed surrounded by this insurmountable grief. Whether the feelings were something that could have been or should have been or something that simply was, Jiang Wanyin had no right to pursue them anymore. 

He was such a mess.

Lan Xichen too.

And their once-in-a-lifetime chance had come and gone.

But apparently Jin Ling had made up his mind. Gusu Lan was famed for their healing music and techniques. Plus, their vast library must have something about an operation to take out the core or any method to help Jiang Wanyin.

“Jin Ling, I mean it!” Jiang Wanyin tried once again but he was ignored.

If Jiujiu didn’t want to go to Gusu Lan, he would do it for him, because there was nowhere in this world, he wouldn’t go to save him.  

* * * * * *

One week after the conversation he shared with his uncle, Jin Ling  found himself sitting in front of Grandmaster Lan. Ever since that day, Jin Ling was becoming more and more acutely aware of Jiang Wanyin’s steadily deteriorating health. It seemed like the conversation the other day had really opened his eyes to the reality of it and his heart felt as if it was in a perpetual tight grip, making him hard to breathe in untold fear of losing Jiang Wanyin. And therefore, in spite Jiang Wanyin’s absolute reluctance, Jin Ling still sent a letter to Grandmaster Lan, requesting his audience. Jin Ling was putting his hope on Gusu Lan’s reputation of having a vast array of knowledge.

Lan Qiren stroked his beard in a thoughtful manner. "Sect Leader Jiang's core is not working?"

Jin Ling gave a sharp nod. "Jiujiu said that something had happened to the core. It's not generating any qi." He curled his hand into tight fists. "Plus, he said something about his body rejecting the core and if the core died on its own, then-" Jin Ling choked back his tears.

Lan Qiren’s usual severe face softened when he saw the enormity of a nephew's love to his uncle. He had often heard how harsh Jiang Wanyin was in raising Jin Ling and how different it was the treatment Jin Ling had received in Jinlin Tai as compared to when he was in Lotus Pier. That was why Gusu Lan prohibited gossips because gossips were only shared by fool-minded and ill-intended people. Right here and now, it was clear how much Jin Ling loved and needed his uncle, and it reflected the love Jiang Wanyin showed to his nephew.

And the news was indeed worrying. Lan Qiren admitted that he had always had an inordinate amount of familial affection toward Jiang Wanyin. He was the boy who chased after a father's love and it reminded Lan Qiren so much of his own nephews. But then, his nephews had him to show his approval and love. Jiang Wanyin not only was chasing the phantom of love but also had to compete with Wei Wuxian; Lan Qiren had never really approved of Jiang Fengmian’s ways.

Lan Qiren asked Jin Ling follow-up questions about Jiang Wanyin’s symptoms and Jin Ling faithfully answered all the questions.

After a moment of thoughtful silence, he spoke up. "The diagnosis of the cause why Jiang Wanyin is rejecting his core may take some time and from what you’ve told me, I don’t think sect leader Jiang can wait that long. Therefore, until we can fix whatever causes the core to die so suddenly, Jiang Wanyin would need a continual qi transferral."

A qi transferral? That was easily done! Jin Ling sat up eagerly. "I can do that! Grandmaster Lan, I can ask Jiang Yanhuo to take over sect leader’s affairs in Lotus Pier, while I bring Jiujiu to Lanlin Tai so I oversee his qi transferral every day. That should help him until the core can be fixed."

Lan Qiren shook his head "I don't think a simple normal qi transferral is sufficient, since the core itself is not working as it should. If you transfer your qi into Jiang Wanyin, the qi will not be circulated properly because the core isn’t working.”

“Then, what do you think we should do?”

“I wasn’t talking about the normal qi transferral for the purpose of healing. I'm talking about dual cultivation. Jiang Wanyin needs help in trying to recultivate his dying core until we can find a more permanent solution."

It took some time for Lan Qiren’s words to sink but when it finally did, Jin Ling's eyes bulged in shock. " Du-dual cultivation ? You mean-" And his cheeks went flaming red. He couldn’t believe Lan Qiren of all people would suggest that method of cultivation, considering… you know… he was Lan Qiren. Oh, how mortifying was this?

Lan Qiren smiled at the display of innocence – Jin Ling was still young after all, despite him being a sect leader, which reminded Lan Qiren acutely of Jiang Wanyin. These two shared more common than anybody else Lan Qiren had ever known. A deep sense of affection for Jin Ling flowed within him. "Hush, what is there to be embarrassed about, Sect Leader Jin? Dual cultivation has always been an effective way to ascend higher. Cunning cultivators choose spouses with high level cultivation levels because dual cultivating between two highly compatible cultivators enhances core and increasing qi."

He knew all that! He’d been taught about ways to cultivate since he was able to form his golden core. But… to have Lan Qiren’s severe, respectful face said all that – and about his uncle no less! – was so awkward. Jin Ling didn’t think his face would ever stop blushing.

But still, he straightened his back in determination at Lan Qiren's kind words. He wouldn’t be ashamed if it meant he could save Jiujiu. "If that’s what Grandmaster Lan recommends, then, I will find a matchmaker as soon as possible, so that we can find jiujiu's partner. She must have a high level of cultivation, right? You did say something about compatible cultivation level."

To Jin Ling’s surprise, he saw Lan Qiren hesitate.

"Grandmaster Lan?" Jin Ling frowned. "What's wrong?"

Lan Qiren stroked his beard in a deep thoughtful manner as if he were contemplating something. A few times, Jin Ling saw his lips moved as if he wanted to say something but held back. Still, Jin Ling waited for the elderly cultivator to say what was on his mind. Eventually, Lan Qiren let out a soft sigh. "Sect Leader Jin, it may come as a shock to you, but I may have ah- also a similar problem here in Cloud Recesses."

"What do you mean?" Jin Ling was confused. "--A similar problem?"

Lan Qiren had never wanted outsiders to discover this problem for fear of political instability. But he was nearly out of option and out of words to say. And then, Jin Ling came forward with the problem with Jiang Wanyin’s core, Lan Qiren suddenly had an epiphany on how to kill two birds with one stone. It was so perfect and compatible that he couldn’t help but wonder whether it was fate that caused the two problems to appear at the same time and to these specific people?

However, if the plan took place, it would be so outrageous, and not to mention, unprecedented. But, at this point, what choice did any of them have?

So, he took a huge leap of faith and dove in. "Zewu-Jun is not doing well in seclusion," Lan Qiren confessed quietly.

Jin Ling gasped at the revelation.

Lan Qiren continued in a quiet voice. "However, he is the opposite of Jiang Wanyin. Instead of depletion of qi, he was over-pouring with it. The seclusion didn’t do much to calm his mind. I think this is the first time Zewu-Jun experiences rage – a real, flaming rage of the situation instigated by Jin Guangyao, and he doesn’t know, or maybe he doesn’t want to quell it. And now, the rage within him caused his abundant qi to burst out in uncontrolled manner. Just two months ago, Zewu-Jun nearly qi-deviated and it took both me and Hanguang-Jun to calm him down." The sadness in Lan Qiren’s voice was stark and it moved something within Jin Ling.

But what did Zewu-Jun predicament have anything to do with what was happening to his uncle? Why did Grandmaster Lan bring it up?

“I am sorry to hear Zewu-Jun is doing poorly in his seclusion.” Jin Ling said in his sincerest regretful tone. “I wish I could help but, with the matter that’s happening with jiujiu, I am not sure I could extend any sort of assistance to you, Grandmaster Lan.”

Lan Qiren took a calming sip of the now tepid tea on the table. “Dual cultivation is a sharing of two compatible golden cores as the partners cultivate together. They share their qi as they give and receive each other’s qi when they lay together. Because dual cultivation involves two cores, it accelerates the cultivation, faster than if a cultivator does it on his own. Not only that, the cultivation partners also have the advantage of helping each other in injuries, in cultivating and even in sustaining damaged core. Zewu-Jun has an abundant amount of qi that he needs to get rid of, while Jiang Wanyin requires intense and constant qi transferral.”

Jin Ling's mouth dropped open in utter shock as his clever mind quickly made the connection.  "How- I mean , Grandmaster Lan, I fear that I’m probably mistaking you, but are you proposing that Zewu-Jun and jiujiu--?" Jin Ling stammered. He couldn't believe what Grandmaster Lan was suggesting!  

Lan Qiren hummed. "Whether it is fate or not, we cannot deny that the situation allows them to help each other. Jiang Wanyin needs a huge influx of qi for his dying core and Zewu-Jun needs an outlet to channel his rage and excess qi. Dual cultivation is the perfect means to do that."

Jin Ling couldn't believe how calm Lan Qiren was with all this. Jiujiu and Zewu-Jun ... Who could've seen this coming?! "Um... So--," Jin Ling was blushing so hard, he feared his head would burst. "...I- I shall inform jiujiu of your suggestion and have him- um- come to Cloud Recesses?"

He couldn’t believe he was planning together with Lan Qiren about his uncle’s dual cultivating. This whole thing was so bizarre that his head was spinning. Or it could just be due to his excessive blushing.

Lan Qiren’s suddenly visage darkened. Gone with the calmness he exuded before, now; his voice rose in displeasure. "Sect Leader Jin! I would not have you humiliate your uncle in such manner!” He snapped. “As if I would ever allow Jiang Wanyin and my nephew even in an arm's length distance without proper marriage!"

"MARRIAGE?!" Jin Ling shrieked as he abruptly stood up, scandalised. This time, his head was feeling really light-headed that he felt he could keel over anytime.

"Of course marriage! Dying or not, I will never allow Lan Xichen dual cultivating with Sect Leader Jiang without an official bond between them." Lan Qiren glared.

He continued in a stern manner as he began his lecture about propriety. "Both of them are sect leaders. Both of them are respectful people where their disciples and their people look up to them for example. What would people think if they slept together when they weren't married?"

Jin Ling’s heart thundered in panic. How did a trip to Cloud Recesses, asking for a mere advice, turn into this? How did Grandmaster Lan’s initial advice of qi transferral turned into a marriage between two sect leaders? What would people say? Then, Jin Ling stopped in pure distress. Be damned of what people would say - what would jiujiu say?!

Oblivious to Jin Ling's internal panicked monologue, Lan Qiren continued authoritatively. "Go back and inform Sect Leader Jiang about this. Tell him this was a marriage of necessity and convenience and both of their lives depend on his agreement. Once, he agreed to this plan, Lan Xichen and I will come to Lotus Pier by next week with courtship gifts and a proper marriage agreement. There are trade and living arrangement matters that need to be addressed because it is also the marriage between two sects.”

“Sect Leader Jin,” Lan Qiren stood up as well, waiting until Jin Ling turned his dazed eyes back on him. Once he got Jin Ling’s attention, he said sternly. “We are going to do this the proper way. All customs and traditions are going to be adhered so that there’ll be none challenging this union.”

"But- but Zewu-Jun is still in seclusion..." Jin Ling pointed weakly. He was out of words (and energy) to dispute Grandmaster Lan.

Lan Qiren hummed dismissively. "Don't you worry about that. Lan Xichen will agree to this. He has always had some sort of softness for Jiang Wanyin and he will agree to this, especially after he heard of Jiang Wanyin’s predicament and that Jiang Wanyin needed his assistance." Lan Qiren in a matter-of-fact manner, as if this was a known fact.

He would? Jin Ling thought incredulously. And- and Zewu-Jun was sweet on jiujiu ? Since when...?! For as long as he remembered, he could only recall the interaction between Zewu-Jun with Jin Guangyao and never with Jiang Wanyin.

Lan Qiren raised his eyebrows when Jin Ling remained dazed. "Sect Leader Jin? Are you listening?"

Overwhelmed, Jin Ling nodded his head. Before he knew about it, he had mounted his sword and began his flight back to Lotus Pier.

Oh heavens… He went for some advice about Jiang Wanyin’s health and now, he was flying back to his uncle with a marriage proposal. Jiang Wanyin would break his legs for real this time...

* * * * * *

When Lan Xichen first went into seclusion, he was brimming with two frothing emotions. One was fathomless guilt and it was a feeling that he knew intimately. He had felt it first when he fled Cloud Recesses with ancient, precious books while it was being burned down by the Wens. Like a coward that he was, he allowed Lan Qiren to bully him into leaving his home – leaving Wangji and his uncle – to the mercy of the Wens. When the news of Lan Wangji being injured and his father’s death came to him, he had thrown up in disgust, anger and most prominently guilt. If he were there, would his father still be alive? Would Lan Wangji be spared from getting hurt?

The second time he felt such guilt was when he allowed Lan Wangji to be blinded – to be totally enamoured – by the Yiling Patriarch. His lack of trying to distance Lan Wangji from Wei Wuxian back then had caused his brother to attack his own elders and people in his attempt to protect Wei Wuxian. When he saw Lan Wangji's scarred back from the punishment and the empty expression on his face during his three-year seclusion, Lan Xichen felt guilt eating him up like maggots – slow and dirty.

The third time was when Da-ge died... Again he wasn’t even there. All his attempts to quell the rage within Nie Mingjue through Song of Clarity was a failure. And he made it worse by teaching it to Jin Guangyao – the man betrayed Nie Mingjue’s trust. He betrayed Lan Xichen’s trust. If only he insisted on being the only one to play for Nie Mingjue – if only he didn’t trust Jin Guangyao – Da-ge would probably still be alive.

Guilt accompanied him his whole life and he knew all about it. But the second frothing emotion that was bubbling within him was something new. The burning rage and hatred he felt towards Jin Guangyao was unknown. Lan Xichen was enraged for all of the unnecessary killings – the cold way Jin Guangyao had killed his father, his brothers, his wife, the helpless people around him and most unforgivingly, his own child, all because he wanted power and revenge. The greed, envy, and cruelty shown by Jin Guangyao were too much for Lan Xichen’s tender heart to bear. And to think he had defended the man with every bit and sliver of trust he had on him… how gullible was he. How easily he was being duped.

Each belief he had on kindness was a lie. There wasn’t a hidden kindness in people. Sometimes people were just as they were. Sometimes situations pushed them and they couldn’t always find the reason to push back . Kindness didn’t always win. And to believe that he could help cultivate a person’s innate kindness if he had tried long enough, was nothing but a naïve thinking. A naïve thinking that got people killed.

When Lan Xichen remembered every single trust and kindness shown to Jin Guangyao by him, and by Da-ge – oh heavens, Nie Mingjue who Jing Guangyao had killed with such cruelty –, the rage burned and burned within him that he could feel his spiritual energy was being risen and awakened so uncontrollably.

What care did he have now? Everything he touched was destroyed.

However, when he had nearly qi-deviated two months ago, Lan Xichen knew that he was only saved because his uncle and his younger brother refused to let him go. He didn’t know how long both of them had played the Song of Clarity to him but judging by the dark circles under both of their eyes, he guessed they had played for days.

He would never forget the shock and the grief marred on their faces when he eventually regained from his consciousness. His uncle had been the most affected one; worry had aged him years ahead and for the first time in more than two years, Lan Xichen felt ashamed of himself. He had allowed rage and grief to consume him to the point of him losing control of his cultivation and by doing so, he had caused Lan Qiren – the closest father figure he had ever had in his life – to worry him like this.

However, he couldn’t find a way to save himself. He had been too immersed in his rage and grief that he couldn’t find his way back home.

He was suddenly awakened from his deep meditation trance when he heard a knock on his Hanshi’s door – soft but sure. Lan Xichen frowned. He had almost no visitor ever since he entered into seclusion. Aside from the incident two months ago, Lan Xichen had always been alone.

When he opened the door, he was surprised to see Lan Qiren standing, his face pensive but his eyes were soft when he saw his nephew.

“Shufu,” Lan Xichen greeted as he smiled softly. “This is such an unexpected visit.”

“Hm…” Lan Qiren nodded his head before asking, “Aren’t you going to invite me in?”

“Ah, apology, shufu,” Lan Xichen gestured to his uncle to take a seat as he immediately went to the small pantry to prepare tea. While he waited for the water to boil, he spoke up. “Is something amiss?”

“You mean aside from the incident two months ago?” Lan Qiren asked dryly.

Lan Xichen quirked a humourless grin at his uncle’s gentle jab. “If you’re asking how I am doing, then, I am doing as well as I could have hoped for. Ever since that incident, I have been trying my best to meditate to temper my qi.”

Lan Qiren observed Lan Xichen quietly as the younger man rearranged the teapots and cups in a tray before carefully carrying it to the table. On the surface, Lan Xichen appeared just as before, but Lan Qiren took in the way his hands trembled when he placed the tray on the table – the calmness that Lan Xichen exuded was just on the surface; it was the fierce waves underneath that scared Lan Qiren. With a cultivator with a cultivation level as high as Lan Xichen, the qi-deviation was equally difficult to subdue and Lan Qiren knew if it happened again, neither him nor Lan Wangji could save Lan Xichen.

Something akin to determination hardened within him. Whether it was unprecedented or not, Lan Qiren would make the marriage between Lan Xichen and Jiang Wanyin happen.

When both of them had properly seated, Lan Qiren began to approach the topic carefully. He had thought it thoroughly last night. He wasn’t jesting when he told Jin Ling that Lan Xichen had always had a soft spot for Jiang Wanyin. He remembered the yesteryears, before Jin Guangyao destroyed everything – destroying Nie Mingjue, Jin Guangshao, Jin Rusong… - how Lan Xichen’s eyes would follow everywhere Jiang Wanyin went whenever they were in each other’s vicinity.

Lan Qiren had watched them move in the slowest dance possible, hovering in an arm’s length, close, but never overstepping the threshold as if both of them feared of crossing something forbidden. While Lan Qiren had wished for Lan Xichen to have his own children someday, he couldn’t deny that he had a soft spot for Jiang Wanyin as well. The prickly and harsh exterior didn’t work on Lan Qiren – he had seen Jiang Wanyin when he was young, even before he attended Cloud Recesses for lessons – and he knew how soft-hearted the man was beneath.

A cold-hearted man could never raise someone like Jin Ling.

A cruel man could never rebuild Lotus Pier to prosperity.

And a prideful man could never be content to live within his home without ever wanting more.

For years, Lan Qiren had hoped Lan Xichen would eventually have the courage to court Jiang Wanyin for Jiang Wanyin had been burnt too many times to ever initiate anything. He hadn’t wanted to interfere, content with where his nephew’s heart had favoured that even if Jiang Wanyin couldn’t give Lan Xichen’s heir, Lan Qiren couldn’t have asked a better in-law than Sect Leader Jiang. But all of them had taken everything for granted, taking their time so leisurely in getting to know each other, thinking they had all the time in the world, and now both Lan Xichen and Jiang Wanyin were much too hurt for too long.

They both now were too astray from each other.

“Sect Leader Jin came to see me,” Lan Qiren began as he delicately put down his cup.

Lan Qiren watched Lan Xichen’s body go tense at the mention of Jiang Wanyin’s nephew and he didn’t miss the way Lan Xichen’s eyes shuttered downwards as if shielding from painful memories. “What does he want?” Lan Xichen asked, the hope was too stark to miss.

Something eased within Lan Qiren after knowing Lan Xichen still cared for Jiang Wanyin despite everything. So, he continued. “He told me something really concerning about Sect Leader Jiang and he had come to me for some advice.”

Lan Xichen immediately raised his eyes, surprised. “Had something happened to Jiang Wanyin?”

Lan Qiren sighed in response, carefully crafting his strategy. Lan Xichen would never do anything if it were for his own sake, but if it were for Jiang Wanyin’s sake, Lan Qiren knew Lan Xichen would do anything to help. The worrying tone in his nephew’s voice was not hard to miss. “Apparently, something is happening to his golden core,” Lan Qiren said.

“What do you mean?” The tone was urgent now.

“His golden core isn’t generating any qi. Even if it did, his body is rejecting the core and the qi and it refuses to circulate the qi, which left Jiang Wanyin in a perpetual state of exhaustion and weakness.”

Lan Xichen could feel his heart quicken. The constant fog of rage that surrounded him for years in seclusion momentarily cleared at that news. For the first time the rage was gone and a feeling of worry for Jiang Wanyin filled his heart. And for a moment, it surprised him – because it had been more than two years since he had seen Jiang Wanyin; he had thought whatever feelings he had for the man had diminished in the face of massive betrayal and heartache from his sworn brother.

It appeared he had been wrong.

Lan Xichen raised his hand to clutch at his chest, as the long-forgotten feelings for Jiang Wanyin slowly awakened and it made his heart ache. “How did it come to this? What happened?” Lan Xichen asked.

“Sect Leader Jin said that ever since the event at Guanyin Temple, Jiang Wanyin’s body began rejecting the core. Maybe something had happened in his mind that caused it to reject the core, or perhaps Jiang Wanyin had some sort of golden core disease that contributes to this, we couldn’t be sure. Until we can really pinpoint the exact cause, we can’t really help him.” Lan Qiren explained.

Oh… Lan Xichen realised. Was it because the revelation made by Jin Guangyao that caused Jiang Wanyin’s mind and body to reject the core? He didn’t think much back then, as he himself was still reeling from Jin Guangyao’s actions, but that revelation must have been such a shock to Jiang Wanyin. He couldn’t imagine being lied to by Lan Wangji like that and to have that secret exposed in such manner... Lan Xichen’s heart went out for Jiang Wanyin as he suddenly felt the urge to fly to Jiang Wanyin.

“Is he going to be alright?”

There was a pregnant pause following that question. And then, his heart dropped like a lead when he saw Lan Qiren shake his head regretfully. “Based on what Sect Leader Jin had told me, the depletion of qi was destroying his body at such a rapid state – I fear, even if we could eventually find the proper diagnosis, it would be too late for him.”

To Lan Qiren’s surprise (but still deeply pleased to see), Lan Xichen stood up abruptly. “Shufu, you said his qi is depleted. Why can’t Jiang Wanyin receive qi transferral while we work for the cure? Qi transferral can sustain him for foreseeable time.”

Lan Qiren sat back calmly. “The depletion is too accelerated and too much to be substituted by other people. What he needs right now is a huge influx of qi – continual and sustaining. Normal qi transferral isn’t going to do that.”

“But-“ Lan Xichen halted. “But what you’re describing is dual cultivation…”

“Yes.”

A sharp pain sliced through his heart and Lan Xichen didn’t know why. Why did the revelation of Jiang Wanyin dual cultivating with someone else was too hurtful to bear? “Did you ask Sect Leader Jin to find Jiang Wanyin a partner…?” He was too afraid to hear the answer. He had spent years pining after Jiang Wanyin and to hear him looking for a partner to dual-cultivate hurt in a level in such a surprising way.

It had been years, why did he still feel like this for Jiang Wanyin?

Lan Qiren watched the stark pain on Lan Xichen’s face and his heart went out for him. “Lan Xichen,” Lan Qiren said kindly. “Do you know why I came to you today?”

Lan Xichen shook his head.

“Jiang Wanyin is in dire need of qi and you’re in dire need to get rid of your bursting qi…” Lan Qiren trailed off, hoping Lan Xichen to connect the dots.

And he wasn’t disappointed. Lan Xichen’s face went white in understanding as his amber eyes widened in utter shock. “You- you mean to say… Shufu??”

It charmed Lan Qiren to see his usually eloquent nephew tongue-tied. And to see the usually unflappable Zewu-Jun flushed. “I already asked Sect Leader Jin to ask Jiang Wanyin whether he would agree to this arrangement. And I am here, to ask for your permission.”

“Permission to- to dual cultivate?” Lan Xichen sounded dazed.

“Of course not!” Lan Qiren glared. What was it about the later generations that thought they could freely dual cultivate without marrying first?! “If you think I’m going to allow you to touch Jiang Wanyin without proper marriage, you’re sorely mistaken. I don’t care if this is a marriage of convenience, both of the sects’ good names must remain intact.”

Lan Xichen gasped in surprise as he staggered a few steps back. “Marriage?!”

“Yes, marriage.” Lan Qiren said firmly.

For a while, Lan Xichen looked like he couldn’t breathe as he paced the room nervously. He wasn’t worried about him – he had already pined after the gorgeous Sect Leader Jiang for years. He was worried for Jiang Wanyin, wondering how he would react. Except for a few (rare) smiles directed to him, a few blushes for when Lan Xichen did something thoughtful for him (like bringing Emperor’s Smile, or a book from Gusu Lan library, or asking him to accompany to dinner, moonlit walks and strolls under the falling leaves of autumn), and a few lingering touches during night-hunts and conferences, Jiang Wanyin had never indicated he was amenable towards his feelings.

Would he resent Lan Xichen for this unwanted marriage?

But it certainly wasn’t unneeded. Lan Xichen knew what his uncle proposed was sound. The circumstance was perfect for them to get married. They would be stupid to not take this route.

But still… Lan Xichen hesitated. He never wanted to push Jiang Wanyin to do anything he didn’t want.

Lan Qiren watched indecisiveness play across Lan Xichen’s face. Slowly, he stood and walked toward his nephew. He put a hand on Lan Xichen's shoulder and he waited until Lan Xichen looked at him. With a voice soft and gentle, he said, “You can help each other, Lan Xichen. You can save him and he can save you. And I’m not just talking about the issue of golden core and qi.” Lan Qiren raised a hand to affectionately push strayed strands from Lan Xichen’s face to his broad shoulder. He might be harsh in their upbringings but Lan Qiren loved his nephews just like his own children. He wished nothing more than happiness for them.

“No one is going to understand the feeling of being betrayed by his sworn brother like Jiang Wanyin does. And no one is going to understand the feeling of rage and helplessness and grief like Jiang Wanyin. Maybe between both of you, between all the hurt and pain, you can help each other find your way home? Don’t you think it's high time you face the outside world? Being alone is never a good solution for a heart that is hurting.”

Lan Xichen felt something wet slip down his cheeks.

“And I know how you feel about Jiang Wanyin. The time was never right for any of you, was it?” Lan Qiren smiled softly when he saw Lan Xichen’s cheeks burned despite the tears. “Maybe now the time is right.”

“Shufu…” Lan Xichen whispered in disbelief. “How did you-“

“How did I know? I have eyes, Lan Xichen, and a mind to put two and two together. No one went for a late night walk with someone he regards as a simple friend.” Lan Qiren scoffed. “After everything that had happened-,” he sighed. “I just want you and Lan Wangji to find happiness. And if you found happiness in Jiang Wanyin just as Lan Wangji finds his with Wei Wuxian, I will support you all the way.”

Lan Xichen let out a soft laugh as he raised his hand to wipe the traces of tears. Today was full of surprises.

“Now that we’ve agreed, why don’t you sit by me? We still need to choose what gifts to bring to Sect Leader Jiang as marriage gifts. I won’t allow you to simply bring Emperor’s Smiles and think it is sufficient…”

* * * * * *

Jiang Wanyin dropped his brush on the table, uncaring how the splattered ink ruined the document that he had painstakingly written for the last hour. His eyes were wide and his mouth parted in utter shock as he looked up at his nephew’s blushing face, who was doing his best to look anywhere but his uncle.

Slowly he stood up, stunned and reeling.

“GRANDMASTER LAN SAID WHAT?!!”

* * * * * *

Chapter Text

A week later still had Jiang Wanyin stunned at Grandmaster Lan’s proposal. While he knew that it was only rationale for them to proceed with the arrangement; that if he wanted to save Lan Xichen's life (and his too but frankly he didn't really care, not when the news Lan Xichen had nearly fatally qi-deviated was too fearful to contemplate), he should agree and be on his way to prepare for Grandmaster Lan and Lan Xichen’s impending arrival to officiate their engagement, Jiang Wanyin still didn’t have the strength to snap himself out from the stupor. 

Because wasn’t this all kind of… ridiculous? He was still thinking that this whole thing was a joke made at his expense. Did Lan Xichen somehow know about his feelings before all the shitstorm revealed by Wei Wuxian happened and he was kind of taking a jab at it? But, no matter how much his self-doubt mind conjured up bad scenarios, deep down Jiang Wanyin knew Lan Xichen would never do that because they were at least an acquaintance before this and Lan Xichen never did have any nasty bone in him. 

Still... Marriage for political benefit might be a common occurrence amongst the high-ranking cultivators but a marriage to save each other’s lives? A marriage of expediency? Whoever had heard of that?! Not to mention it was between two men - between two sect leaders? How was that even going to work? 

While his heart rejected this marriage (he never wanted to be trapped or to trap another person in a loveless marriage just as his parents had been), his body rebelled against his heart where for each day that passed, he began to feel the exhaustion even more keenly. The core was depleting of its qi and his cultivation was severely affected. So, when it happened that on one of the bad days, his hand trembled so hard that he could hardly pick up the brush, Jiang Wanyin had to swallow the bitter truth. 

He either had to accept this marriage or he would allow himself to be swept away by Death. 

With a heavy heart, he summoned Jiang Yanhuo, his head disciple and Huang Xiyue, his personal assistant to tell them his decision.

Jiang Yanhuo was slightly younger than him, having survived the massacre because he had been sent by Madam Yu to assist a ghoul problem faced by Meishan Yu Clan. And just like Jiang Wanyin, he had come back to the scattering bodies of his family members - he had lost his entire family to the Wens. Ever since that, he had been with Jiang Wanyin trying to avenge his family. He rose quickly through the ranks, using anger and self-righteousness to fuel his battle against the Wens and Jiang Wanyin was always grateful for his presence, especially for all the times that Wei Wuxian was missing, deflected and died. Right now, they were the only two surviving Jiangs from the previous massacre. 

Despite all the heartaches and hardship, Jiang Wanyin was so glad that Jiang Yanhuo had found his own happy ending. The man was happily married to Huang Xiyue and they were now expecting their first child. In fact, Jiang Wanyin was already contemplating making Jiang Yanhuo his successor, considering he might be dead before the next year ended. Yunmeng Jiang should at least always be led by a Jiang.

There were times when Jiang Wanyin thought Jiang Yanhuo was too reckless. He always depended on his gut when making decisions and he could be too playful sometimes. While it was a good characteristic for a head disciple, he wondered whether being too hot-headed was a good characteristic for a sect leader. 

But, then, Jiang Wanyin remembered how he was when he first took over the mantle of sect leader Yunmeng Jiang. He had been too cautious in every decision he took, not wanting his fledgling sect to be overwhelmed by the other three big sects if he had taken a wrong step. That was one of the reasons for his reluctance of sheltering the Wen refugees because he didn’t want his sect and people to bear the brunt of it, especially with them being fragile from the Wens' attack and with Lanling Jin Sect breathing down his neck. Twenty years had passed and Jiang Wanyin still wondered if he had made the right decision. He wondered if the whole situation could have turned out differently had he been a little more reckless, a little less calculating. He wondered whether he had chosen well; that in order to ensure his sect's survival he had to step away from Wei Wuxian. 

If only Wei Wuxian weren’t so damn stubborn and too blinded by his own righteousness… Jiang Wanyin huffed loudly as his thoughts wandered. He hated how he couldn’t let things go. And he hated even more how Wei Wuxian could. So easily . 

It had been years already. Why couldn’t he just move on? Why did he have to hold onto the past too strongly? Maybe if he could, then his body wouldn’t be rejecting this- this unwanted intruder inside his body--- Suddenly something deep within him twisted as Jiang Wanyin doubled down, panting in pain as he felt the qi writhed unnaturally along his meridians. “Oh, fuck…” He whispered breathlessly as waves and waves of sharp prickling sensation flowing through him. 

He hated this so much.

Once the pain passed by him and Jiang Wanyin felt like he could breathe once again, he sent a butterfly message to his head disciples and his assistant. This wasn't something that he could postpone for much longer. A few moments later, he heard the sound of heavy footsteps of his pregnant assistant followed by another set of footsteps, undoubtedly from his head disciple, who was definitely hovering over his wife. Jiang Wanyin rolled his eyes in exasperation. 

“Jiang Yanhuo!” He called in a loud tone from his office room. “I am sure Xiyue is capable of walking a few steps more without you bothering her!”

“Thank you, Sect Leader Jiang,” Came a relief response from his assistant. 

When the couple entered the office, Jiang Wanyin raised his eyes at the way Jiang Yanhuo pouted as his wife dragged him in. She nudged her husband to bow.

“I wonder how Xiyue stands with all of your hovering, Yanhuo,” Jiang Wanyin scowled. “It seems you’ve forgotten how good of a cultivator she is. Just because she’s married and carrying your child, it doesn’t mean she’s helpless.”

“Yes, Sect Leader Jiang,” Jiang Yanhuo was still pouting and Jiang Wanyin raised his eyes heavenward. How was he supposed to leave Yunmeng Jiang to him ?

“What is it that you required from me, Sect Leader?” Xiyue asked as she tried to hide her smile.

Jiang Wanyin motioned them to sit in front of him. His palms went a bit sweaty. “Sect Leader Lan and Grandmaster Lan are invited to come to Lotus Pier in three days. They might bring a bit of entourage, so, I want you to make sure the security of Lotus Pier is tightened and their rooms are readied.”

Jiang Yanhuo raised his eyebrows. “Sect Leader Lan?! Has he exited his seclusion?”

“Mm… It was something of a recent occurrence,” Jiang Wanyin said as his eyes shifted to the left.

Huang Xiyue had been Jiang Wanyin’s assistant for years, so she knew when her leader was prevaricating. “Sect Leader Jiang?” Huang Xiyue asked gently. “Is there something more you would like to tell us? If both Sect Leader Lan and Grandmaster Lan are coming with an entourage, their visit must be of something really important.”

To both of their surprises, a deep red blush adorned Jiang Wanyin’s cheeks and nose. With his eyes still not meeting them, he haltingly said, “Gusu Lan Sect has offered a hand of marriage between Sect Leader Lan and I. After a much deliberation, I have decided to accept it. In three days, they will arrive to finalise the betrothal agreement."

The silence that followed was eerie. From the corner of Jiang Wanyin's eyes, he could see Huang Xiyue's delicate lips hung open and Jiang Yanhuo froze. Jiang Yanhuo was the one to break the silence first. "I must have heard that wrong. I thought you said you're getting married to Zewu-Jun." The head disciple let out a nervous laugh. 

Jiang Wanyin glared sharply. "You heard that right. Why? Do you think it is impossible for someone like Zewu-Jun wanting to marry someone like me?!" He said defensively, insecurity rearing its ugly head. He didn’t need anybody to tell him that; he could do it all by himself. 

"What?!" Jiang Yanhuo exclaimed. "No, Sect Leader Jiang, I meant to say that it is strange for you to accept any marriage proposal, considering I was there when you rejected every single candidate shoved forward by the matchmaker!" 

Somewhat appeased, Jiang Wanyin scoffed. "Yeah, well. Damn the matchmakers, then, since I'm accepting Zewu-Jun's proposal now."

Huang Xiyue watched her husband fluster from such unexpected news and she knew why. Jiang Wanyin, if anything, was never a spontaneous person. He was a short-tempered, harsh-tongue and damned prickly person. But both of them knew how Jiang Wanyin was when he didn’t have an audience to put up a show to. Jiang Wanyin didn’t give up his innerself so easily; he hid himself away too often that it had become a chore for either of them to get Jiang Wanyin to admit anything sentimental. And now he wanted to marry Zewu-Jun? Something didn’t add up. 

Jiang Yanhuo inched closer. "When did this happen?" 

"Last week," Jiang Wanyin said succinctly. 

"And was that why you've been so preoccupied while you cooped up into your room?" Jiang Yanhuo prodded. 

"If I answer this, will you start doing what I asked you to?” Jiang Wanyin asked sardonically.

“Well, yeah,” Jiang Yanhuo retorted. “We’re both worried about you! You’ve stopped personally training the disciples, stopped going to night-hunts and now, you suddenly have a change of heart about marriage?!”

Jiang Wanyin huffed, knowing that he had no choice but to tell them about his core. “I don’t want any panic and definitely no hysterical reaction from you!” He pointed out to Jiang Yanhuo. The way his head disciple waved his warning away so flippantly made Jiang Wanyin want to reach out and flick his forehead for being so impudent. Instead, he proceeded telling both of them about his core and the whole I’m-dying-thing, which predictably caused Jiang Yanhuo to jump up as he drew himself up to make his thoughts known. 

“Jiang Yanhuo! What did I tell you?!” Jiang Wanyin barked at the sight of the impending verbal meltdown.

“How am I supposed to not react when you basically told us that you’ll be dead by next year!” Jiang Yanhuo said loudly. “I’m your head disciple. Don’t you think this falls under the important thing a sect leader needs to tell his head disciple?! But no! You’ve kept this a secret from me for two years!!! TWO YEARS! How am I supposed to keep you safe or- or to assist you in any way if you keep things from me!” While her husband ranted in the background, Huang Xiyue kept her eyes on Jiang Wanyin while her own lips were pressed close. His husband was always the one generous with words while Huang Xiyue showed her emotions so clearly on her face.

She wasn’t happy her sect leader was keeping this as a secret from her as well. 

Jiang Wanyin sighed exasperatedly. “I told you all about this because I want allies when I go through this- this sham of a marriage. I’m not good with people and with lying, so what the hell am I supposed to say when people ask me all kinds of questions during the marriage banquet?” 

Huang Xiyue said softly. “You’re panicking.”

“What?! Of course I’m not!” Jiang Wanyin denied quickly. 

“Sect Leader Jiang, I've been your assistant for nearly fifteen years. This is you panicking.” 

Jiang Wanyin stood up restlessly as Zidian sizzled at his fingers, matching her master's mood. “I don’t know what Zewu-Jun was thinking? Or Grandmaster Lan, for that matter! And how shameless was Gusu Lan Sect to suggest dual cultivation as a solution to my problem?!” 

She sighed. Her sect leader could stand unflinching when facing a horde of ghouls, ghosts, demons and beasts. He could make other sect or clan leaders cowered with a simple glare. And he could make his disciples jump into attention with a mere sound of his footsteps. But when it came to matters of the heart, Jiang Wanyin was always reduced to a nervous wreck. “I wonder whether it can still be called as a sham marriage when you clearly harbouring some sort of feeling towards Zewu-Jun,” Huang Xiyue said nonchalantly.

And that made Jiang Wanyin freezed his fidgetings. 

“What?” Jiang Yanhuo breathed, shocked as he stared at Jiang Wanyin.

Jiang Wanyin’s face instantly burst up in flaming red. He turned toward Huang Xiyue with his eyes wide and his mouth hung open. “What…?” He echoed.

Huang Xiyue stood up as well. She was huffing as she straightened her robes over her swollen belly. “I can’t believe you still think that you can keep that as a secret, especially from me . Who did you think covered for you when you went for a late-night stroll with Zewu-Jun during conferences? You never accepted anybody’s similar invitation and yet you accepted Zewu-Jun’s. Come to think about it, Zewu-Jun has always been an exception for you, hasn’t he, Sect Leader Jiang?” She smiled sweetly.

“I- I…” Jiang Wanyin had no comeback.

Jiang Yanhuo latched onto that revelation gleefully (and the fact for the first time, his sharp-tongue sect leader was rendered speechless) and said, “Sect Leader Jiang! You went for late-night strolls? Was that why you rejected every marriage proposal? You were waiting for Zewu-Jun’s?!”

“Shut up!” Jiang Wanyin retorted. Zidian immediately came alive at her master’s utmost embarrassment, making Jiang Yanhuo retreat but even that didn’t stop the teasing grin on his face. How was he stuck with such an insolent head disciple, Jiang Wanyin would never understand. “Stop making things into what they’re not! Get out and do what I told you to do!” And then, he stomped his way out of the room, escaping that humiliating conversation.

Both the head disciple and sect leader personal assistant broke into laughter a few moments of silence after their sect leader's departure. The married couple looked at each other with such fondness for their sect leader. “Jiang Wanyin is going to be such a disaster, Xiyue,” Jiang Yanhuo predicted. “Zewu-Jun is going to have his hands full handling that nervous wreck.”

Huang Xiyue smirked. “Then, isn’t it a good thing that Sect Leader Jiang has me?” She held her head up and walked out.

Jiang Yanhuo chased after his wife. “And me too, Xiyue!”

“Hah! You’re just going to make things worse with that reckless attitude of yours, Yanhuo-ge! It’s better if you just stayed on your patrol!” Huang Xiyue called back, teasingly. “You know, away .” 

“Xiyue…” Jiang Yanhuo whined.

His wife just laughed at him.

* * * * * * 

On the morning Gusu Lan’s entourage was supposed to arrive, Jiang Wanyin took a painstakingly long time to choose his attire. Since this was an official event, conventional wisdom told him to wear his official sect leader robe but Lan Xichen had always seen him in that type of clothing. Shouldn't him, as a bride, wear something more festive than what he usually wore? And how was he supposed to act when he was both the sect leader and the bride? (Or was he the bridegroom? But he was on the receiving end of the proposal and Gusu Lan Sect was bringing marriage gifts and paying the bride price - so, he was the bride? Why was this so confusing? It wasn’t as if he would be living in Gusu Lan Sect after the marriage!... Right? ) 

He lingered indecisively when Huang Xiyue walked into his personal room, updating him of the ongoing preparation. When she saw him only listening to her half-heartedly, she carefully asked her sect leader. “Sect Leader Jiang? Are you okay? Do you need me to assist you with anything?”

Jiang Wanyin mulled for a while before sighing in defeat. “Xiyue, what am I supposed to wear today? Am I to act as a sect leader or am I supposed to wear something befitting of someone being betrothed? I mean, I don’t have parents to- you know, handle shit like this.”

Huang Xiyue’s heart went out to him. When she got married to Jiang Yanhuo, Sect Leader Jiang had acted as Jiang Yanhuo’s parents even with only three years difference between them. He had handled the whole courtship, the betrothal and even became the one whom both of them bowed down to during the marriage ceremony. Not even for a second did Jiang Yanhuo feel he was missing anything in his life .   

She walked towards his armoire and picked up a soft lavender and mint green robe. She shoved the robe into his arms. “After you’ve finished, I’ll send Mingyu to set up your hair.”

“But,” Jiang Wanyin frowned. “If I wear this, who’s going to handle the whole thing?”

“Jiang Yanhuo, of course. He’s not totally hopeless, you know.” Huang Xiyue said. “Now, go.” She left without allowing Jiang Wanyin to say anything in protest. 

A few hours later she stood side-by-side with her husband at the pier, with their own horde of maids and attendants to greet the guests and to haul Gusu Lan’s gifts, after bullying Jiang Wanyin to wait in the courtyard with Sect Leader Jin - she knew Jiang Wanyin would succumb to her, especially at her fairly late stage of pregnancy. He was too soft-hearted to refuse her and Huang Xiyue knew that very well. The walk from the pier to the Lotus Pier’s main courtyard was filled with waves of Yunmeng people, all excited to see their leader for not only finally being married, but also being married to someone who was as esteemed as Zewu-Jun, that no one batted an eye that their leader was marrying a man. Amongst the excited chatters of the people, they finally could see the silhouettes of several boats flowing steadily towards the pier. As they got closer and closer to them, both Huang Xiyue and Jiang Yanhuo’s mouths gradually dropped open at the number of boats that Gusu Lan Sect had in their entourage.   

There was the main boat, where Lan Xichen and Grandmaster Lan were boarded together with their other disciples and servants. Following the main boat were - oh heavens, Jiang Yanhuo realised in amazement, ten boats?!! - filled to the brim with crates and crates of red-clothes covered gifts. What could Gusu Lan’s gifts possibly be that they had to bring ten boats with them? “Xiyue…” He whispered to his still shell-shocked wife. “I’m beginning to think that Jiang Wanyin is not the only one who’s harbouring feelings. This is kind of an overkill for a sham marriage, don’t you think?”

Huang Xiyue swallowed hard as she nodded. When the main boat finally docked at the pier, Huang Xiyue blinked at the beautiful way Zewu-Jun had dressed up that she was beginning to regret shoving that lavender and mint-green robe into Sect Leader Jiang’s arms. Zewu-Jun was wearing a deep blue silk outer robe with intricate designs of cloud pattern flowing from his broad shoulder down to his tapered waist and the robe was lined with light-shade turquoise linen underneath. His hair was put up in its usual half-do with an elaborated silver headpiece to secure the bun and the end of the famous Gusu ribbon fluttered in the wind, highlighting his regal and beautiful appearance. 

Nobody told her how serious Gusu Lan was in this marriage! If she knew, she would have asked the sect seamstresses to make their sect leader something equally opulent! 

Looking at Zewu-Jun’s face flushed in healthy pink hue, a reaction of pale skin against Yunmeng’s warm climate, Huang Xiyue and Jiang Yanhuo were having a hard time believing Zewu-Jun was nearly qi-deviated two months ago. In fact, Zewu-Jun was looking very exhilarated and amenable towards this marriage of convenience. 

Standing beside Zewu-Jun was Grandmaster Lan. He also wore his best robe of white and light blue with an elegant headpiece to complete his whole appearance. But what really had taken Yunmeng Jiang’s head disciple and head assistant aback was the proud smile Grandmaster Lan wore. For as long as they had accompanied Jiang Wanyin to cultivators’ conferences, they had never seen Grandmaster Lan smile for anything - not even that time when Sect Leader Yao had a toothache and he had winced each time he opened his mouth to talk. Even toothache didn’t stop him from talking, but the sight of him in pain each time he spouted bullshit over bullshit was too hilarious.

It took a sharp jap from his wife to shake Jiang Yanhuo from his frozen state. Quickly he bowed down as he greeted, “Sect Leader Lan, Grandmaster Lan, welcome to Lotus Pier. We are honoured to receive you into our home.”

“It is our honour as well,” Zewu-Jun answered as he smiled gently but his eyes were roving the pier, looking for someone.

Lan Qiren watched his nephew’s preoccupation and he shook his head slightly in resignation. He took over Lan Xichen as he said to Jiang Yanhuo. “Head Disciple Jiang Yanhuo, may I ask of Sect Leader Jiang’s whereabouts?” 

Jiang Yanhuo gestured to them to follow him. “Sect Leader Jiang is waiting for you in Lotus Pier’s main courtyard. Please follow me and don’t worry about the betrothal gifts… ah, I’m sure our people can handle it. It shall be brought to the courtyard as well.” He nodded his head to Yunmeng disciples and attendants to get to work. He pitied them, really, because some of the crates looked so heavy that he didn’t know how Gusu Lan Sect carried them down the mountain and loaded them into the boats. He heard about Lan’s Arm Strength and all, but this was so ridiculous.

Lan Xichen was so looking forward to seeing Jiang Wanyin. Their last meeting was that night at Yinping, where none of them was in any position or had any strength to do anything except retreat to each others’ sect, licking their wounds. It never occured to Lan Xichen that he would not be seeing Jiang Wanyin for as long as he did. But even with all that time between them, he could still remember that pale face as it was filled with unadulterated grief as Jiang Wanyin watched Wei Wuxian walk away with Lan Wangji. 

In the saddest sense of reality, Lan Xichen realised both of them lost their own sworn brothers that night. 

The only difference was that Lan Xichen had killed his sworn brother while Jiang Wanyin had let his own go. 

Swallowing back the building rage that was bubbling within him every single time he thought about Jin Guangyao, Lan Xichen closed his eyes, curling his hands into tight fists as he counted his breath one by one. He willed his temper to cease agitating his qi. Today was his first meeting with Jiang Wanyin in more than two years. It would not do to cause a scene by losing into his rage. Jiang Wanyin deserved more than that. He deserved his betrothed whole and focused on him and not on the lingering ghost of the wretched man who destroyed everything he had with fake smiles and lying eyes. 

When he opened his eyes once again, all thoughts of Jin Guangyao vanished at the sight that appeared in front of him. 

There Jiang Wanyin stood. 

Clad in a soft lavender linen robe layered with matching mint-green silk outer robe, Jiang Wanyin was a sight that took his breath away, making his stomach flutter with butterflies and turned his knees weak. Lan Xichen’s amber eyes followed the lotus pattern on the man’s chest down to the tiny waist, cinched by the matching lotus-designed belt where the Jiang silver bell hung. But the most breathtaking sight was the way Jiang Wanyin wore his hair. Gone was the usual practical bun, now he wore his hair half upward, twisted into a bun secured by a simple silver hair ornament and the other half loose, cascading down to his waist with numerous thin braids peeking through among loose strands. Each braid was twisted together with strings of small, delicate amethysts. With him standing under the bright morning sun, the amethysts reflected the light against Jiang Wanyin’s ink-black hair, looking very much like stars on black, velvet night sky. 

Something within Lan Xichen cracked. The long discarded feelings of the past came frothing out from the crack, flooding his heart with a rush of adoration and fondness. In his grief and rage during his seclusion, he had forgotten just how beautiful Jiang Wanyin was. Those high cheekbones and sharp jaws and brilliant violet eyes would be the ultimate reason for his ruin - he just knew it, but for some reason, Lan Xichen still wanted more and more.

Lan Xichen exhaled a long shaky breath. His heart pounded in an uneven tandem as he walked closer and closer to his betrothed.

Jiang Wanyin looked at Lan Xichen walking towards him and his mouth went dry. At that moment, he couldn’t see anything and anyone else as the vision of Lan Xichen - tall, powerful and so, so devastatingly handsome - consumed him. Oh heavens , he had forgotten how stupidly beautiful Lan Xichen was. He was keenly reminded of the yesteryears’ acts of him accepting every of Lan Xichen’s invitation that while he was cautious, he still couldn’t find the will within him to refuse Lan Xichen back then. No matter how much he rationalised that all of Lan Xichen’s invitations and gifts were because the kind sect leader simply empathised with him, Jiang Wanyin could stop the fierce attraction he had always felt for Lan Xichen. Looking at Lan Xichen now, Jiang Wanyin remembered why. It wasn't just Lan Xichen's look that attracted him, but also his kindest and gentlest heart. 

And now they were getting married because they needed each other to stay alive. How was Jiang Wanyin supposed to separate his feelings from this marriage of convenience? Lan Xichen was only marrying him because he needed him to siphon his excess qi - how could Jiang Wanyin burden the kind man with his unnecessary feelings towards him?

“Sect Leader Jiang,” Lan Xichen greeted, his tone was laced with fondness.

Jiang Wanyin swallowed hard at the first listen of that deep, smooth voice. He had never realised how much he had missed hearing that voice calling his name. It took a sharp jap of Jin Ling’s elbow to his ribs to jolt Jiang Wanyin from his staring. 

Jiang Wanyin glared at his nephew and Jin Ling looked pointedly at him. Not only had his head disciple been insolent, apparently his bratty nephew was no better than Jiang Yanhuo. Jiang Wanyin turned his gaze to Lan Xichen and greeted both Lan Xichen and Lan Qiren. “Sect Leader Lan, Grandmaster Lan, I am pleased to welcome you.”

Jiang Yanhuo immediately stepped forward to stand beside his sect leader. He took over the conversation as he said, “Please step this way. We shall discuss the matter of this marriage in the main sect leader’s office.”

The discussion took over an hour, finalising the details of the marriage. They had agreed to spend every two weeks alternatingly at each other sect since they couldn't spend their time apart if they planned to dual cultivate (Jiang Wanyin [and Jin Ling] blushed profusely each time Lan Qiren said those words - which endlessly endeared Lan Xichen and amused Jiang Yanhuo). They had also agreed to set their wedding date 2 weeks from now, the soonest date they could choose without the cultivation world thinking that Zewu-Jun had defiled Jiang Wanyin (how Jiang Yanhuo had so tried to stifle back his laughter but judging by the warning glare both sect leaders Jiang and Jin gave him, he clearly wasn't succeeding). They had also decided that the marriage ceremony was to be done in Gusu Lan Sect, since Jiang Wanyin didn’t have any living elder relatives and Lan Xichen still had Lan Qiren. However to compensate that, Lan Xichen would spend the first two weeks in Lotus Pier, where an additional banquet would be held there. 

"Is there anything else that we've overlooked?" Lan Xichen asked.

"I have prepared a gift to bequeath to you, in relation to our upcoming wedding," Jiang Wanyin said nervously. "I'm not sure whether it is customary to exchange gifts but since this marriage is anything conventional, I thought I just give you one anyway. I don't know what you have brought for me-" 

Jiang Yanhuo choked back a cough and Jiang Wanyin looked at him, eyebrows raised in curiosity, only to have Jiang Yanhuo to wave his hand incomprehensibly at him. That reaction gave rise to suspicion in Jiang Wanyin. What had Gusu Lan Sect brought as a betrothal gift to him? When he looked back at Lan Xichen, the taller man just smiled serenely and gestured to continue. 

"Um- but I-," Jiang Wanyin stood up, went to his desk and pulled out a chest that was covered in red cloth. He sat back in front of Lan Xichen before gently pushing the box towards the man. "I hope my gift will match yours. Please accept this humble gift from me, Zewu-Jun." Jiang Wanyin said - his cheeks flushed so prettily.

Lan Xichen reverently lifted the solid wooden chest and put onto his lap. He didn't expect Jiang Wanyin to give him any present in return but now that he did, Lan Xichen’s heart quickened in anticipation. "Do you mind if I open this now?" Lan Xichen asked. 

Jiang Wanyin shook his head - the amethysts in his hair tinkled gently and it distracted Lan Xichen greatly. His fingers itched to run through the black silk strands so badly. "It is yours." Jiang Wanyin said.

Carefully, gently, Lan Xichen cracked the chest open. Inside was lined with satin and nestled on the cloth were a length of velvet purple ribbon, a lotus-theme belt with a polished onyx knob on it and - Lan Xichen gasped softly - a brand new Jiang Clarity Bell. Instead of the usual purple tassel, this bell had a blue and white tassel - a compliment for Lan Xichen’s sect. No doubt the knob on the belt was especially made for the Clarity Bell.  

Jiang Wanyin smiled softly, extremely pleased his gift was appreciated by his betrothed (how strange was it to refer Zewu-Jun as his betrothed? How stranger was it even for him to get married?!). "I commissioned Yunmeng blacksmith for a new Jiang bell for you. But it will not work until you transfered a bit of your spiritual energy into the bell. Once you do that, the clarity bell will only ring for you when the situation calls for it. And it will also allow you to get through our barrier."

“Am I one of the Yunmeng Jiangs now, Sect Leader Jiang?” Zewu-Jun teased. “We haven’t even gotten married yet.” 

Jiang Wanyin immediately flustered. “I didn’t mean for you to take my family name or whatever! It’s just so that you can come into Lotus Pier without having to meet the guards! But if you prefer to go through them each time you come here-” Jiang Wanyin made a gesture to take back the bell.

Zewu-Jun brought the bell to his chest protectively. “Nope, you gave this to me. It’s mine and no take-backs are allowed.” 

With an embarrassed huff, Jiang Wanyin cast his sight away from Zewu-Jun’s bright, smiling face. He didn’t understand why Zewu-Jun looked this happy. Wasn’t this a marriage of convenience? Why was he looking so happy as if this was what he wanted all along? As he looked away in confusion, his eyes caught the sight of Grandmaster Lan’s beaming and Jiang Yanhuo’s amused faces and he became even more self-conscious. This whole situation was too much for him.

They both signed a betrothal agreement together with an alliance by marriage agreement to secure both the routes and the trades between two sects. Then they walked out of the office room to go to the dining hall for an early lunch with all who had attended the betrothal ceremony. To go to the dining hall, they would have to pass through the courtyard and by now, Jiang Yanhuo was certain the attendants had finished hauling the crates. 

Oh, this, he had to see. He had to see Jiang Wanyin’s reaction to Gusu Lan Sect's betrothal gift to him, he thought gleefully.

Jiang Wanyin was deep in his thoughts as they were all led by Jiang Yanhuo to the dining hall when the sight in front of him caused him to freeze in motion. His sudden stop caused Lan Xichen and Lan Qiren, who were walking behind him, to halt as well.

“Jiang Wanyin?” Lan Xichen asked. “What’s wrong?”

The sight in front of him was incredible. The usual vacant and wide courtyard was filled with crates and crates and more crates , covered with festive red cloths. All of the crates had been uncovered and presented to the audience tastefully and proudly. The crates were filled to the brim with books and scrolls, jars of expensive wines and boxes of Gusu Lan’s famous persimmons and strawberries - some were fresh, some were preserved and some were bottled. There were also beautiful, sweet-smelling pastries and candies moulded in the form of flowers and crates of carefully wrapped expensive roots and herbs, liquid tonics and medicinal pastilles. There were perfumes in their dainty bottles and boxes of fragrance woods with delicately crafted incense burners; they were labelled with agarwood and sandalwood , which caused Jiang Wanyin’s mouth to drop open because he knew how expensive those were. There were yards and yards of Gusu Lan’s linen, cotton and silk, in all imaginable colours, that were often boasted for being soft and willowy and warm. There were crates of empty talismans, hunting nets and signal flares; crates of bows and arrows and hunting weapons. There were glass-made boxes that were filled with jewelries of silver and gold, and polished onyxes and ivories, and burnished sapphires and amethysts.    

And Jiang Wanyin couldn’t bear to look at the rest of the crates . With his eyes wide open, and his face was slightly pale, he turned towards Lan Xichen and Lan Qiren. “What are all these?” He gestured to the numerous boxes behind him, his voice held the slightly panicked tone. Jiang Yanhuo stood back to enjoy the show - it was hilarious to see even the extravagant Sect Leader Jin’s eyes were bulging in amazement.

“It is your betrothal gifts…” Lan Xichen told him with a slight uncertainty.

"With this much of gifts, do you think you're marrying a deity?!!" Jiang Wanyin retorted, breathless from the shock. 

Lan Xichen smiled. "Not a deity, but I think it is quite a close comparison." Jiang Yanhuo nearly snorted out loud at how fucking smooth that was. 

“I- I…” Jiang Wanyin couldn’t find any word to respond to that stupid reply and to this ridiculous extravagance shown to him, instead he turned to his temper. “You can’t simply give me all these! Some of them are hideously expensive! What did you do? Did you drain Gusu Lan Sect coffer?!” Jiang Wanyin retorted. He was beginning to feel faint. 

“Our Sect’s coffer is still well-intact,” Lan Xichen said reassuringly. “Nothing I could ever give you is as worthy or adequate enough as for your hand in marriage, Jiang Wanyin.” 

“Adequate---” Jiang Wanyin repeated in utter disbelief. He looked at Lan Qiren, hoping the older man saw the sheer ridiculousness of all this but Lan Qiren simply nodded his head as he raised his eyebrows in agreement with Lan Xichen. And why should Lan Qiren think otherwise? He probably sat beside Lan Xichen ticking off this outrageous list!

“I- I don’t think I could accept this. This is too much.” Jiang Wanyin tried again. “All I gave you was that measly box!”

“A box that grants me access to your sect and grants me the permission to wear your sect colour,” Lan Xichen reminded him. “Nothing can top that. And I’m regretful to admit that I didn’t think of that when we prepared the betrothal gifts. I should have brought with me a jade token for you.” Beside Lan Xichen, Lan Qiren stroked his beard thoughtfully as he hummed, seemingly thinking his nephew was correct. 

Jiang Wanyin was left speechless and Jiang Yanhuo wished so hard he could find a way to capture this moment so that it could be enjoyed repetitively, because never had he ever seen the ferocious, short-tempered man to be so stunned silent at the whole thing. In a way, it was also poignant because Jiang Wanyin never had anybody to show to him his worth - not as a sect leader but as Jiang Wanyin himself. Lan Xichen was right, these gifts and all the precious things in the world could never compete with his sect leader’s fierce dedication and love that he had shown to his own sect. What worldly things could repay Jiang Wanyin’s sacrifice of his youth just so he could rebuild Lotus Pier back to its former glory or even better than before, and secure peace and prosperity to its people?

Perhaps by these gifts, Jiang Wanyin could see beyond this facade of marriage of convenience; that somehow, Sect Leader Lan actually wanted to marry him because of him.

“This isn’t over,” Jiang Wanyin warned as he turned around and resumed their walk towards the dining hall - his face red with self-consciousness at the length Zewu-Jun had gone to secure this marriage. Perhaps Zewu-Jun really, really needed his help with his predicament, Jiang Wanyin thought wistfully. That was probably why he showered him gifts. Perhaps he was afraid Jiang Wanyin would reject his proposal and those gifts would make it hard for Jiang Wanyin to turn him away. 

But it was all unnecessary, because if only Zewu-Jun knew Jiang Wanyin would marry him even if the man simply gifted him a single gentian flower from his sect as his betrothal gift.

* * * * * *

Two week later, Jiang Wanyin was riding in the red sedan being carried towards the Gusu Lan Sect. The wedding preparations had been hectic due to the short betrothal period but after long exhaustive weeks, he finally travelled to Caiyi, so that he could be carried to Cloud Recesses. 

He was wearing a set of luxurious wedding robes from the yard of Gusu Lan Sect red silk and linen that Lan Xichen had given him. The outer red silk fabric, however, had been embroidered with traditional motives with gold threads, as insisted by his assistant, saying there was no way she was making the same mistake as she did during the betrothal ceremony - whatever that meant. Not only he had to wear this heavy wedding robe, Huang Xiyue had insisted on putting his hair up with an elaborated gold headpiece that had delicate gold strands falling down to his neck. Jiang Wanyin had protested, saying he wasn't from Jinlin Tai who needed to be decked with gold and he wasn’t the bride, damnit. But Huang Xiyue had used her you're-being-unreasonable tone, which never failed to make him pause in his steps, and suddenly the maids had already pinned the whole golden thingy on his damned head. 

So, when Huang Xiyue had even thrown a red veil over his face (despite him being a man) before pushing him onto the sedan, Jiang Wanyin had wisely kept his mouth shut. 

Jin Ling had been shedding tears when he accompanied his jiujiu to the sedan, as if he was the one who was leaving the home. Jiang Wanyin had been this close to flick that young man's forehead for being so ridiculous because nobody was leaving anybody's home, so, what the hell was Jin Ling crying for? That dramatic mistress! He still was going to see his nephew tomorrow at the Yunmeng Jiang banquet. 

Furthermore, hearsays had told him that Gusu Lan Sect was still proceeding with the wedding even without Lan Wangji because none of them could find both of them. Three weeks ago, Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian had gone off to help a curious case of a nameless ghost that was ravaging a town and somehow the investigation had led both of them out of the town and further away. All of the butterfly messages were unanswered. It also meant the cultivation partners would come home to the biggest shock when they realised Lan Xichen had married the person that Hanguang-Jun hated the most. Something deeply vindictive within Jiang Wanyin was extremely pleased over that little fact.

Jiang Wanyin had heard that while Grandmaster Lan was worried over the lack of communication, he was apparently even more worried about Lan Xichen and Jiang Wanyin's conditions that he maintained the ceremony should proceed with or without the presence of the Lan second master. Personally, Jiang Wanyin was deeply relieved at Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian’s absences, because more than two years might have already passed but Jiang Wanyin really, really didn’t want to see Wei Wuxian. Especially not when the reason he was marrying Lan Xichen was because his body was rejecting the core that Wei Wuxian had so generously given him. 

How ironic it would be for him to bow to Lan Xichen’s family members when Wei Wuxian was the reason he was dying?

The knowledge Wei Wuxian wasn’t there gave him the extra courage to go through this all. He really, really didn't want to see his former sworn brother, especially considering their last meeting had him crying and begging only to have Wei Wuxian dismissed the whole thing.

If people could have easily moved on from having their whole family massacred and being lied to half of their life after being offered a single word of sorry, then, the concepts of grudge and sorrow and vengeance would never have existed, would they? And Jiang Wanyin was never a man to let go of things so easily.

The whole ceremony passed like a blur to him. He remembered the snippets of moments when he bowed towards Lan Qiren, when he bowed to Lan Xichen and when he had knelt beside Lan Xichen while he served tea to Lan Qiren, who looked like he was bursting with happiness himself (Jiang Wanyin drew a line at serving tea to Jin Ling - sect leader or not, Jin Ling would always be his little brat even when he was forty). Jiang Wanyin had smiled softly back at Lan Qiren, thinking fondly how happy Grandmaster Lan was, despite the fact he knew Lan Qiren was happy that Lan Xichen had someone to dual cultivate and subsequently saved his life. How could Jiang Wanyin begrudge Lan Qiren for that when he, himself, benefited from this union? 

After all had been said and done, Jiang Wanyin found himself sitting alone in Hanshi, waiting for Lan Xichen while he was contemplating whether he should take off the veil - since this was not really a marriage of love, right? And he wasn't really a bride. 

But Jiang Wanyin was frozen in deep uncertainty about the next part of the wedding. He had never told anyone and maybe Huang Xiyue already knew - her knowing, sharp eyes always knew things -, but Jiang Wanyin had never lain with anybody in his life. The thought of having to deal with a spouse while he had millions of other things to do sounded so exhausting, thus, he avoided any form of courtship the best that he could. 

He had vague ideas of what happened between man and woman, thanks to those books Nie Huaisang showed him when they were both young and also, thanks to Jiang Yanhuo, who couldn’t shut up about his praises for his wife. But what happened between men when they duel cultivate was a complete mystery to him. Because really , how did they… cultivate? 

Jiang Wanyin’s face burned underneath the red veil at that thought. How fucking shameless was him? This whole thing was so embarrassing. He sincerely hoped Lan Xichen knew some things about this duel-cultivation thing because how mortifying it would look if both of them were stumped and then had to go to Grandmaster Lan for explanation? That image wasn’t helping him at all, as Jiang Wanyin groaned in despair and he raised his hands to slap his own cheeks in reprimandation.

“Wanyin…?” 

Jiang Wanyin startled at the voice. He was too caught up in his thought that he didn’t even hear Lan Xichen enter the room. 

Jiang Wanyin’s lack of answer concerned Lan Xichen as he took large strides towards his husband (his husband! Lan Xichen could hardly believe he had married Jiang Wanyin!) and sat beside him on the raised bed with red satin sheets. The whole Hanshi was transformed into a wedding bedroom with cloths of red hung along the wall and around the bed with the smell of sandalwood from the incense burner simmering in the air pleasantly. 

Gently he coaxed Jiang Wanyin to face him as he slipped his hands underneath the red veil and raised Jiang Wanyin’s face to meet him.

Suddenly the gravity of the situation hit Lan Xichen hard. He was about to unveil his husband and see his face for the first time after not seeing him for two weeks. For two weeks the image of Jiang Wanyin haunted his nights, instead of the usual ghosts of Mingjue-dage and Jin Guangyao. Lan Xichen kept remembering that gorgeous face flushed under the bright sun with amethysts shone from the hair and he wanted - no, he yearned - to see him now for surely he was as beautiful in red as he was in lavender. 

With his heart in his throat, he swallowed hard as his voice dropped into a deep whisper. “Wanyin, may I take this off…?” 

The Hanshi was situated quite far away from where the banquet was held and thus, deep silence surrounded them while Lan Xichen waited for Jiang Wanyin to give his permission. Their marriage had been so hasty and urgent, that Lan Xichen had vowed to himself that anything else that followed this wedding would always be with Jiang Wanyin’s permission. He didn’t ever want Jiang Wanyin to feel obligated to do anything -  he would rather qi-deviate than force Jiang Wanyin.  

There was a long series of heartbeats before Jiang Wanyin answered gruffly, “Yes, please.”

Smiling widely, Lan Xichen gently lifted the veil, revealing Jiang Wanyin’s face. There was a soft sharp intake of breath at the intense way Jiang Wanyin was looking at him, that deep purple orbs was tracking his every movement. 

Oh… His husband was so beautiful, Lan Xichen thought inwardly. How did he ever get this lucky? How did the tragedies of his sworn brothers lead to him having Jiang Wanyin on his bed in wedding robes? The twist of fate was too ironic sometimes. 

Jiang Wanyin watched the way Lam Xichen fisted the veil tightly and frowned. "Lan Xichen? What's wrong?" 

He was snapped out of his trance. He shook his head as he tossed the cloth away. "How could anything be wrong, Wanyin, when we are already married?" He teased. 

To his surprise, Jiang Wanyin frowned deeply as he pulled away from Lan Xichen. "Stop it."

"I- stop what?" 

"Pretending," Jiang Wanyin scowled harder - his heart couldn't take this confusion much longer. He was resigned to a marriage life with him wanting more than Lan Xichen could ever give him, but, now, to see Lan Xichen acted as if he felt something more towards him too burned him. He hated lies with vengeance and he didn’t want to see Lan Xichen, of all people, lie to him.

Lan Xichen was one of the very few good memories he had before Wei Wuxian had come and destroyed whatever fragile peace that he had taken sixteen years to build. 

"Stop pretending that this marriage was something you've always wanted. I have let you pretend during our betrothal ceremony for the sake of our sects, but there's nobody here right now. Why are you-" Jiang Wanyin bit his lips before he huffed, stood up and began his nervous pacing.

Lan Xichen's heart ached so painfully at that. It hurt to know that Jiang Wanyin thought he was pretending. Jiang Wanyin had responded so beautifully to his gentle and subtle flirtation during the betrothal ceremony that when he left for Cloud Recesses the next day, Lan Xichen was under the impression that somehow, Jiang Wanyin had understood that Lan Xichen had always liked him. It appeared that he was wrong. 

Now, without an audience to placate, the confusion and hurt on Jiang Wanyin's face was so very clear. How could Lan Xichen blame him? The situation was not ideal for both of them. If Lan Xichen had any say at all over all of this, he would spend months trying to court the socially inept sect leader Jiang, who was so emotionally damaged but so beautifully damaged - because Lan Xichen could never resist Jiang Wanyin. 

Not ten years ago.

Not even today.

Perhaps, not ever.

If the situation was his to control, Lan Xichen would make his feelings known and he would wait until Jiang Wanyin felt the same way for him before he had ever proposed. Lan Xichen knew if he told Jiang Wanyin how he felt right now, the man would never believe him. Not when they got married like this. 

So, he took a deep breath and called out gently. “Wanyin.”

Jiang Wanyin stopped in his tracks. Lan Xichen stood up and walked towards him. He waited until Jiang Wanyin looked up to him before he started speaking. “Before all this happened - before that night in Yinping -” Before I found out that I was betrayed by my sworn brother and you had been lied to by yours. “-am I wrong to assume that I have been at least a friend to you?”

The smaller man inhaled sharply.

“In those late nights where we shared our strolls - in Yunmeng, in Gusu, in Jinlin Tai, in--” Lan Xichen swallowed hard at the remembrance of Nie Mingjue. “--in Qinghe - during all those tedious conferences, aren’t we a friend to each other? We had confided in each other’s secrets that we had never told anyone, hadn’t we? All those times I helped you with young Jin Ling and you gifted me things to say your gratitude and I returned your gestures every single time, that wasn’t me or you pretending, was it?”

Jiang Wanyin shook his head slowly, eyes wide and misty, the trailing wedding headpiece trinkled softly against his slender neck. He remembered all of that - years of Lan Xichen’s generosity and kindness and thoughtfulness. And how it inevitably led to him having these feelings towards the man, like a thirsty man in the middle of the desert, drinking in all of Lan Xichen’s gestures of affection so greedily. “No, you weren’t,” he whispered hoarsely. “You’ve always been good to me, Lan Xichen. More than what I deserve sometimes.” 

The amber eyes looked so soft against the candlelights all around them as Lan Xichen watched Jiang Wanyin. “Perhaps you deserve more, Wanyin,” Lan Xichen braved a chance to raise his hand to gently caress the sharp jaw, marvelling at how soft Jiang Wanyin’s skin felt against his own. “I treasured our friendship. You’ve been giving so much to me in return as well.”

In that frozen moment of the newly married cultivation partners staring at each other; where they felt so much but feared of saying too much, their golden cores pulsed in peaceful rhythms as their owners felt the long-awaited single moment of peace in their hearts. A single moment where they were tentatively extending a hand of mutual trust; where, if they couldn’t have love as a basis of their marriage, at the very least they had the strength of their friendship from years ago. 

Because in the midst of their chaotic hearts, that was all they were allowed to have.

After reaching a fragile truce between them, Lan Xichen insisted to help Jiang Wanyin to take off the headpiece. The sect leader Jiang just rolled his eyes but still, he acquiesced. He sat on the vanity table, facing the polished bronze mirror while Lan Xichen stood behind him, carefully detaching the ornaments one by one. “I never knew you’re fond of hair ornaments,” Lan Xichen remarked. “I remembered fondly of the way you wore your hair during our betrothal ceremony. If I knew that, I would add more jewellery in your betrothal gifts.”

“You’ve given too much already, Lan Xichen,” Jiang Wanyin glared at his husband through the mirror. “We still haven’t finished sorting through them all. I still couldn’t believe you brought all those all the way from Cloud Recesses.”

Lan Xichen smiled and he said teasingly, “The Gusu Lan Sect is famous for their arms’ strength. It was good training for them.” He, then, picked up a comb from the table, loosening the hair from the harshness of the hair lacquer, and sorted out all the tangles patiently. 

Jiang Wanyin hesitantly asked. “So, you like the hair I wore for our betrothal ceremony?” He tried for a nonchalant tone but the pleased surprise on Lan Xichen’s face told him that he wasn’t succeeding.

“That’s all I’ve ever thought about for the last two weeks,” Lan Xichen confirmed. Jiang Wanyin’s face burned at Lan Xichen’s shameless answer, but he was kind of asking for it, so he didn’t say anything.

Jiang Wanyin let silence fall between them for a few moments. “I- I want to say sorry,” Jiang Wanyin said instead.

Lan Xichen was taken aback but the sudden change of topic. “What are you sorry for?”

“I never sent a single letter to you when you were in seclusion. I didn’t even ask about your well-being, despite all that you have done to me. If I had only reached out, then I would have known that you’re not doing well-”

“Then, I should apologise as well, shouldn’t I?” Lan Xichen interrupted. ‘For I, too, didn’t send anything to you. Despite just declaring that you're my friend."

"You were in seclusion, how were you supposed to send me anything?" Jiang Wanyin argued. 

"A letter or two are not forbidden, Wanyin. For the sake of our friendship, I should have sent something to assure you.”

Jiang Wanyin twisted his lips in a humourless smile. “Maybe if we didn’t hide ourselves from each other, we wouldn’t have to resort to this just to save each other’s lives. Maybe our cores won’t be like this. I’m still sorry, though, for that.”

The light-hearted mood that they shared earlier slowly diminished in the reminder of their pasts. Lan Xichen said sombrely, “I don’t know, Wanyin. I was too buried in my own grief that I didn’t think of asking about yours.”

Jiang Wanyin bit his lips, thinking about that before turning around his body to face Lan Xichen. With Lan Xichen still standing and him still sitting, he had to stand up as well in order for him to see Lan Xichen’s face. He didn’t stop and think about his next word because he really needed to know. “Too buried in grief… or rage?” Jiang Wanyin asked delicately..

Something in Lan Xichen’s face changed so subtly as his whole stiffened by Jiang Wanyin’s blunt words. His clenched jaw rippled as he took a step back, away from the confrontation, but Jiang Wanyin quickly reached out to grab Lan Xichen’s wrist to hold him near to him. This was the first time in more than two years Jiang Wanyin initiated a touch and now he had Lan Xichen in his grip, he couldn’t let him go - not when he finally saw the brewing rage simmering beneath Lan Xichen’s mask. 

The rage that Grandmaster Lan had told Jin Ling. 

Jiang Wanyin’s heart thundered at an unprecedented sight. Because the esteemed Zewu-Jun only got irritated at the most, but had never been angered to the point of rage like this. His usual soft eyes were now like a pair of ice-cold gold disks, and his warm countenance was frozen like white jade statue. It was so strange to see hatred (he would know because he had seen it in his own eyes all his life) etched on the usual gentle face. Jiang Wanyin had never seen Lan Xichen like this ever before. 

Despite it all, Jiang Wanyin still went ahead. “To whom is your rage directed, Lan Xichen?” He asked softly.

Lan Xichen gritted his teeth. Of all the things that they could have talked about, did it have to be this? Why did it have to be the raging fury that was always within him, that couldn’t be quelled but only to be hidden away? How was he supposed to tell Jiang Wanyin that he couldn’t think about them without making him want to destroy everything around him. Inside he began to feel his qi churned and burned like waves in the ocean. Lan Xichen could have easily torn his hand away from Jiang Wanyin. He could have taken himself away from Hanshi and away from the sudden inquisition. But those violet eyes mesmerised him to immobility. “Don’t, Wanyin.” He warned darkly - gone was the soft teasing tone.

Jiang Wanyin narrowed his eyes obstinately. He never did know how to back down, especially when he was being told not to. So he brought up the origin of Lan Xichen’s wrath. “Is it directed to Jin Guangyao-”

“I said DON’T!” Lan Xichen snapped and Jiang Wanyin flinched when he felt Lan Xichen’s uncontrollable qi bursting through the meridian point and it sparked against Jiang Wanyin's hand that was holding Lan Xichen's wrist. 

The dam was cracked and with his eyes filled with dark anger, Lan Xichen, who was caught in the haze of his rising qi and rage, drove his next words mercilessly into Jiang Wanyin's heart. "Don't you dare talk about him when your situation is no better than me. When was the last time you talked to Wei Wuxian? At least he was dead when I killed him-" I wish I had lingered when I did that because he deserved more than a quick stab to the heart after what he did to Da-ge! The tempest within him was beginning to build. "-So what is your excuse?!" 

Jiang Wanyin had never seen Lan Xichen angry before, and therefore, he had never known how accurate his sharp tongue was in finding his own weakest points. While he knew the rage was making Lan Xichen's core work up and thus, creating a vicious cycle as the core fed onto the rage even more, he wasn't immune to those words - not when he, himself, was rejecting his own core. Hearing those words had conjured up his deep rejection to the unwanted (unneeded-hated-poisonous-disgusting) core within and his body and his mind recoiled from that reminder. Immediately the familiar pain flared throughout the body as his core stuttered and died.

His grip on Lan Xichen tightened as pain racked his body and Lan Xichen thought Jiang Wanyin was retaliating to his words. And the thought only fed further into his rage. 

"Are you denying what I'm saying? You are hiding from Wei Wuxian and it's obvious to everyone!" Lan Xichen growled. He was deep in his fiery rage and his frothing qi that he felt he was losing control of himself. "So don't you dare talk how I feel about HIM!" The last word was followed by a huge burst of qi - the beginning of the qi-deviation - and it hit right into Jiang Wanyin, whose dead core had left him totally defenseless. 

Jiang Wanyin let out a loud, shocking gasp as he was being flung away, crashing against the wall behind him with an ominous crack. As he lay slumped against the broken wall, he felt so light-headed as a thin stream of blood flowed down from his nose. Oh… Jiang Wanyin thought dazedly. Is this how normal, coreless people feel when they are hit with qi? He felt his chest burning with pain. In a way, I have had this coming… what the hell am I thinking provoking him when I know his core is unstable. Jiang Wanyin could laugh at his own foolishness if he hadn’t felt like he would keel at any moment.  

The sight of the blood shocked Lan Xichen out of the red-rage stupor. He doubled down as he grabbed his own head tightly, trying to tame the writhing core within him, to stop the beginning of the qi-deviation from progressing into a full-blown, blood-spurting stage. It was so difficult to do so - it was like trying to close the dam on the rushing flood. Breathing hard, Lan Xichen tried to imagine every single good thing in his life to douse the burning flame within him; he imagined his family - an uncle who had never given up on him and a younger brother who tried to support him, he imagined the field of blue gentian flowers that he had planted in front of the Hanshi and the sound of guqin and xiao echoed in the mountains of Gusu.  

He thought of Jiang Wanyin, whom he had married by the determination of fate and chances. His husband who had looked so otherworldly in his red wedding robe and had waited for him in his room. His husband who was bleeding on the floor.

Because of him.

The rage was finally quelled as guilt took over. “Wanyin!” Lan Xichen gasped as he rushed towards the man. He knelt beside him, his hands trembled in exhaustion and strain from the waves of rage and unstable qi, as he reached for Jiang Wanyin’s face. “I’m sorry- I’m really, really sorry.” He choked down the guilt while trying to wipe away the blood from the nose but his shaky fingers smeared the red liquid across the cheek instead.

Jiang Wanyin blearily looked up to Lan Xichen’s distraught face. He hated that expression so much, and he hated that he was the cause of it. So, he reached up to hold his hand that was on his own face. He wanted to steady Lan Xichen’s trembling hand but as he raised his hand to do so, Jiang Wanyin noticed that his own hands were shaking as well. 

The irony of the situation was too stark that a snort of laughter escaped Jiang Wanyin’s mouth. Lan Xichen froze at the unexpected response. “Wanyin?”

“Look at us, Lan Xichen…” Jiang Wanyin gasped through his halting laughter. “What a pair both of us are.” He grasped Lan Xichen’s hand and he wove their fingers together, silently asking Lan Xichen to look at their intertwined hands.

Their badly trembling intertwined hands. One from too much qi and the other from lack of qi.

Both were too damaged from the trail of destruction that both of their sworn brothers had left in their quest to whatever it was that they wanted. 

Lan Xichen stared at their hands for a few moments before he let out his own teary laughter as well. Unable to restrain himself - he was too tired from this endless rage and grief -, he leaned forward to touch his forehead onto Jiang Wanyin’s clammy one, silently pleading for a comfort from a person that he had previously hurt. “How did it come to this? How did we get so damaged?”

Jiang Wanyin closed his eyes as he allowed the closeness between them. “I don’t know, Xichen… I simply don’t know…”

When Jiang Wanyin finally succumbed to unconsciousness, Lan Xichen strained his shaking arms to lift his husband within his arms to carry him to the bed. Then, he slumped himself on the floor, with his head leaned on the side of the bed - close to Jiang Wanyin’s head, and he blindly reached out to the senseless man’s hand. Lan Xichen wrapped his fingers around the wrist, pressing gently on the meridian point. 

Jiang Wanyin’s qi felt almost nonexistent when Lan Xichen tried to find it. He was so tired but he would be damned if he slept when Jiang Wanyin was left without any qi inside him to help him accelerate healing the injuries.

This wasn’t how he imagined his wedding night would go. 

Chapter Text

When Lan Xichen and Jiang Wanyin got ready for their second wedding banquet at Yunmeng Jiang the next day, there was only an awkward silence. Jiang Wanyin had been quite mad when he had first awakened that morning to see Lan Xichen was sleeping, slumping against the bed on the floor, with his hand still wrapped around his own wrist; an evidence that Lan Xichen had spent some of the night transferring qi to him. Although, Jiang Wanyin wasn’t sure to whom the annoyance was directed to more - Lan Xichen for transferring the qi when the man himself was recovering from the almost-qi deviation or to himself, for being so needy of assistance that he hadn’t even conscious enough to stop the man. Lan Xichen, on the other hand, could not forget how he had attacked his qi -less husband in the fit of his own rage. The guilt was welling within his throat. How was he ever supposed to find words to make up what he did yesterday?

The atmosphere between them was tense as they were dressing up for the ceremony, turning away from each other.

As soon as Lan Xichen finished pinning up his hair in his usual half-bun and white ribbon, he turned around to see a golden headpiece on the vanity table (from one of his betrothal gifts). His eyes looked up to watch Jiang Wanyin slowly put on layers of red robes and felt his own heart clenched at the sight of the slight tremors in Jiang Wanyin’s fingers. It only took a few seconds before Lan Xichen realised that no matter the circumstances that pushed both of them into his marriage of convenience, he yearned to make this work. He yearned to make Jiang Wanyin happy, so that Lan Xichen could find his own happiness too.

“Wanyin,” Lan Xichen spoke up hesitantly as he stepped forward. “Do you want help to do your hair? Your attendants are in Caiyi Town, after all.” He kept his voice soft, unassuming.

Jiang Wanyin finished tying the white belt around his red-gold robe as he glanced back, startled, at Lan Xichen’s words. The liquid gold eyes were calling out to him and it was then, he knew that his husband was trying to offer an olive branch for last night’s incident. His heart skipped a beat.He could choose to be his usual obstinate self and refuse him, but he knew he was at fault too for pushing Lan Xichen too fast and too hard. 

Reaching a decision, he walked towards Lan Xichen, acutely aware that the man was watching him warily; probably unsure of what he would do, before stopping right in front of him. He tilted his head upwards to meet Lan Xichen’s eyes. He studied the tired bruise underneath, wondering whether his own face mirrored Lan Xichen. He was angry, yes, but he was sad even more so - of his own weakness, of Lan Xichen’s overwhelming kindness and of the current situation they were both in. But he loved Lan Xichen even more, and he needed to make their marriage work even if all they would ever have was their friendship.

Lan Xichen held his breaths, waiting for any response from him, knowing that if it was a punishment for hurting Jiang Wanyin last night, he would accept it.

Without breaking his gaze, Jiang Wanyin took out Lan Xichen’s Jiang Clarity Bell from his own  sleeve that he had taken from the vanity table. He expertly tied the bell on Lan Xichen’s belt without looking and let it drop down to Lan Xichen’s hips; it tinkled almost inaudibly.. The blue and white tassel clashed starkly against Lan Xichen’s own red robe. “Yes,” Jiang Wanyin said gruffly. Faint flush coloured his cheeks. “If it isn’t too much trouble for you, I would appreciate your help to do my hair.” Jiang Wanyin could do his own hair, but he decided to accept the offered olive branch. 

A small, relieved smile etched on Lan Xichen’s face. Small steps, but he would gladly take it. 

The banquet went by without a hitch. If people were making subtle lewd comments about their haggard expressions, Lan Xichen just smiled while Jiang Wanyin threw daggered glare. But Jiang Wanyin wasn’t unaware of the way Lan Xichen’s hands shook slightly when he held up his tea cup or when he reached out for his food. Guilt and anger filled him but the feelings were mostly at himself because he knew he was the reason Lan Xichen was like that. If only he hadn’t pushed Lan Xichen too hard too soon last night; if only he wasn’t too weak to withstand Lan Xichen’s unintentional attack; if only he had been content with the brief moment of peace between them, they wouldn’t have spent their wedding night like that.

“Don’t-” Lan Xichen murmured under his breath. “Whatever bad thing that you’re thinking about, don’t let it fester.”

Jiang Wanyin was startled but quickly recovered himself. “You don’t know what I’m thinking,” he retorted.

“True, but I can read your face. You’re angry, perhaps at those suggestive remarks or perhaps at me.”

“They ought to keep their mouths shut,” Jiang Wanyin growled. “Thinking you wore me down. As if anybody would be tired with a simple orgasm.”

Jiang Wanyin’s candidness startled Lan Xichen a bit but the unexpected innocent remark was what caused Lan Xichen to frown. A simple orgasm. That was an odd way of saying it. Surely Jiang Wanyin had had previous experiences in carnal activities, right? Surely he had taken a lover or two in the past, right? And his previous lover must have been woefully inadequate if Jiang Wanyin thought there could only be one peak for them to achieve. It was either that or he had never taken one… ever. If Jiang Wanyin was indeed inexperienced, Lan Xichen didn’t know whether he could last the day without him whisking his husband away for a confirmation. 

But Lan Xichen wisely steered the topic away by asking, “So, last night is forgiven?”

Jiang Wanyin chewed his lips thoughtfully. Then, the furrow between his eyebrows cleared before he abashedly replied, “Last night, I shared some of the blame for making you lose your control. I shouldn’t have pushed but I admit I was curious because when Lan-shifu told me that you’re unable to control your rage, I almost couldn’t believe it. So, I deserved that reaction because I shouldn’t do that to you.” 

Lan Xichen was relieved beyond belief. Still… Why was Jiang Wanyin angry? “But…?” he prodded gently.

“You shouldn’t transfer your qi so recklessly like that,” Jiang Wanyin hissed, irritated. “I’m accustomed to my condition; I've been dealing with it for two years. If your first reaction was to drain yourself dry for me, then, I refuse your help.”

“Wanyin…”

“No!” Jiang Wanyin barked under his breath, still mindful of the guests milling around them. “I’ve had enough of people sacrificing themselves for me. It didn’t end well when my mother did that and it certainly ended badly when Wei Wuxian did that too. I don’t need another nightmare or guilt or fury to plague me!”

That visceral reaction got Lan Xichen to pause as he stared at Jiang Wanyin’s distress face and pale cheeks. His heart ached because it never occurred to him why Jiang Wanyin hated favours or help. Now he knew. Jiang Wanyin was taught and shown by the people that he loved that every favour had consequences attached to it and Wei Wuxian’s favour was the most painful of all. It burned Jiang Wanyin to the point he shied away from ever seeking help even when he needed it the most. 

He swallowed once and then twice before speaking up in a hoarse voice; affection welled so quickly inside of him. “Alright. How about we made an accord?”

Jiang Wanyin turned his head to look up at Lan Xichen. “An accord?”

“Yes. You need my qi, Wanyin. No matter how uncomfortable it made you feel, you need it,” Lan Xichen insisted. “This is the whole point of our marriage, isn’t it?” While it hurt Lan Xichen to remind himself of it, he still wanted to be the one who helped Jiang Wanyin. 

“But not if you’re hurting yourself-”

“I promise you-” Lan Xichen interrupted Jiang Wanyin’s abrupt protest gently. “-that I would not transfer my qi to you excessively, like last night. Last night was reckless of me, I admit that too. But next time, there’d be no passing out or endangering myself or draining myself dry. I’ll transfer just enough to keep you well enough to sustain you until we find the cure.”

Just like that, the tense atmosphere between them was defused. 

“Fine,” Jiang Wanyin replied gently, his voice softened from the fury he felt earlier. “Thank you, Lan Xichen.”

All Jiang Wanyin wanted was Lan Xichen to be okay and safe. His life didn’t really mean much if it compared to the kind-hearted Zewu-Jun’s. After all he was Sandu Shengshou, whose life - according to the General Ghost - had never amounted more than Wei Wuxian, who hadn’t been alive for the most part of it. The Ghost General was very adamant about it. He was so sure of it. And whatever feelings he had built for years for his husband were simply feelings that Zewu-Jun shouldn’t have been burdened with. 

He was pulled out from his musing when he heard, “Jiujiu!”

“Jin Ling,” Jiang Wanyin greeted warmly. Beside him, Lan Xichen smiled at the ecstatic young man hastening his steps towards the newly married couple.

“Zewu-Jun,” Jin Ling bowed in respect to his newly minted uncle-in-law, in which Lan Xichen returned the greeting.

“I imagine that all the tears you shed yesterday were for naught?” Jiang Wanyin’s arched his eyebrows. 

“It’s bad luck, jiujiu, if no one is crying when you leave your childhood home to be married,” Jin Ling insisted stubbornly. “In fact, you could use all the luck you need, now that you’re married. Or should I say that to Zewu-Jun, since he is now the one to bear the brunt of your temper?” Jin Ling grinned cheekily.

“Brat!” Jiang Wanyin scowled. Jin Ling hopped away to avoid his uncle’s pinches, laughing.

“See what I’ve been dealing with my whole life, Zewu-Jun!” Jin Ling called out.

Beside them, Lan Xichen laughed. 

* * * * *

It was really an odd situation when both of the spouses were sect leaders and the situation forced them to be unable to separate for a considerable length of time from each other. In spite of the situation, Jiang Wanyin was determined to make Lan Xichen feel at home in Lotus Pier. 

He had decided to give the man his own room, his own office and had asked the Cloud Recesses’ cooks about Zewu-Jun’s favourite foods and their recipes. He had also refitted Lan Xichen’s room with his own colours of blue and white so that his husband would not find his home here lacking even in the smallest way. Jiang Wanyin had even gone as far as attempting to plant rows of blue and white gentian flowers in Zewu-Jun’s own private garden, hoping the warm and sweltering climate of Yunmeng would allow the delicate flowers to grow. After a week of celebration, they began their lives as husbands, beginning their first rotation in Lotus Pier as agreed upon. Thus, on the first day Lan Xichen was in the Lotus Pier, Jiang Wanyin showed Lan Xichen his own living quarters, hoping that it would meet Lan Xichen’s liking.

When Lan Xichen realised that he was given his own private room, his heart sank at the implication. He had thought that, with Jiang Wanyin’s and his condition, they would be sharing a room. Did this mean Jiang Wanyin expected his own room too in Cloud Recesses? All Lan Xichen had prepared for Jiang Wanyin in Cloud Recesses was a new, bigger bed installed in his Hanshi with Jiang Wanyin’s own table and office space for sect-related works. The thought of having separated rooms had never even occurred in Lan Xichen’s mind.

“You don’t find it to your liking?” Jiang Wanyin asked anxiously when Lan Xichen didn’t say anything about his bedroom. “I tried to make sure the design would suit your preference but if you think it doesn’t work or- or if you want to change anything-”

Lan Xichen swallowed hard before he smiled wanly. “It’s nice. It’s good. Thank you, Jiang Wanyin.”

Jiang Wanyin frowned. “But… you don’t like it?” He was terrible in reading societal cues and even more terrible in trying to read other people’s minds. And Lan Xichen had always been so polite to say what was really in his mind.

As if to prove Jiang Wanyin’s thought, Lan Xichen shook his head. “No, of course I do.”

With his eyebrows drawn even closer and his mouth tightened into a straight line, Jiang Wanyin stepped closer to Lan Xichen. “Say what is in your mind,” he demanded.

Lan Xichen was startled as he turned his head to look at the smaller man, who looked decidedly irritated. “What do you mean?”

“Weren’t we friends before? You’ve always known how I am. I dislike dishonesty or prevarication and you’ve never failed to be frank to me; not when you pointed out to me that being rude to Jin Guangshao would never grant me any access to Jin Ling, nor when you criticised my heavy-handed methods in dealing with difficult neighbouring sects and clans. And I know you too; at least well enough to know when you hate some things. You have this habit of smiling with one corner crooked when you try to be diplomatic about them. And you’re doing it now,” Jiang Wanyin said impatiently. “So, I ask you again. Say what is in your mind.”

Lan Xichen was floored . He never knew Jiang Wanyin noticed his insignificant quirks and something bittersweet filled his heart, which was already filled with love for this man. His words made Lan Xichen realise that even though they were married, it didn’t mean their friendship ended. Jiang Wanyin might not love him the way Lan Xichen loved him, but there was a deep sense of fondness and affection between them that was born from their long friendship. 

“So, tell me what’s on your mind that made you look like this?” Jiang Wanyin insisted.

Lan Xichen hesitated momentarily before speaking up. “The purpose of our marriage is for me to help you with your low qi reserves. I’m meant to dual cultivate with you.” 

Jiang Wanyin’s cheeks burned at Lan Xichen’s bluntness. Nevertheless, he gave a sharp nod.

“I know our wedding night was a disaster. I lost control of my temper that caused my qi to flare and you were hurt as a result of my carelessness. I could never apologise enough for that. But this-” Lan Xichen waved his hand towards his own private bedroom; his face contorted into a sad expression. “-does this mean you don’t want to try dual cultivating with me? Have I made you feel like you couldn’t trust me?”

A sudden epiphany fell on Jiang Wanyin. “You-” His cheeks painted even brighter. “You want to stay in my room... with- with me?” His stomach churned with a mixture of tentative happiness and dread.

“Isn’t that what a married couple would do?” Lan Xichen asked softly. “Why wouldn’t I want to share your bed?”

Jiang Wanyin swallowed hard. “I thought you wanted your own space.”

“And it is beautiful and thoughtful of you,” the taller man said hurriedly as he took a few steps closer to Jiang Wanyin. “I will still accept it for my other daily activities. But, Wanyin, when the night comes, I wish to lay down next to you, so that I can fulfil my side of the bargain.”

Jiang Wanyin’s heart thundered at those words. His husband looked so earnest in his asking that Jiang Wanyin almost could believe that their marriage was of love and desire, and not of convenience. It almost made Jiang Wanyin believe the love that he had for Lan Xichen was something that was shared by the man. It was as if Lan Xichen desired him and not because of some obligations that he needed to fulfil. 

“Tell me what’s on your mind?” It was Lan Xichen’s turn to ask when Jiang Wanyin stood frozen wordlessly.

“What?” 

“Our friendship goes both ways, Wanyin. I, too, could tell if you’re worrying about something. You show your temper so easily to the world but never your fear and hesitation. You often hide those emotions, thinking them as weaknesses that could be manipulated by others. When you’re hesitating over something, you play with Zidian-” Lan Xichen smiled softly as he looked pointedly at the smaller man’s hand, which was nervously twisting the ring on his finger. Jiang Wanyin scowled but he instantly let go of the ring and clenched his hand into a fist. “-and your eyebrows furrow slightly.”

“I’m not-”

“You are,” Lan Xichen insisted. “You don’t get nervous easily. And yet, here you are, visibly balking at the mere thought of sharing my bed.” He wanted to further add that the act wasn’t a new thing to either of them because how was it any different whether Jiang Wanyin was sharing his previous lovers’ bed as compared to Lan Xichen’s? Why was the reluctance solely directed to him? They were not strangers; they were married, even. 

But somehow the words stuck at the back of his throat. It was one thing to assume Jiang Wanyin had taken lovers, but to have it confirmed really made Lan Xichen’s heart ache. Which was hypocritical of him, he knew , since he wasn’t exactly restraining himself in his youth. But that was before he had gone and fallen in love with this man. If Lan Xichen knew what (Jiang Wanyin and his wealth of vulnerability and strength) was waiting for him in the future, he would never have touched anybody else.

Jiang Wanyin brought his arms to cross over his chest, trying to appear stoic but to Lan Xichen, it only made his husband look even more nervous. His heart ached in worry for him. “Does the thought of sharing my bed mortify you?” Lan Xichen asked softly, gently. He needed to know why. “Because I never wanted to pressure you, but Wanyin, you need this. Both of us do.”

The sight of Lan Xichen trying to soothe him as if he were one of those skittish rabbits that the taller man was so fond to pretend of not keeping, made Jiang Wanyin become even more embarrassed that he felt he could burst up in flames. He glanced around nervously to look at his disciples walking around doing their own errands, scared that they could hear their conversation. His reputation would never survive if anybody would find out.

With an explosive exhale, he grabbed Lan Xichen’s hand and pulled him bossily into the white and blue room. Lan Xichen could only watch in wordless surprise as he watched Jiang Wanyin lock the door behind him. The fiddling with Zidian was back in an even more prominent manner, indicating Jiang Wanyin’s utter nervousness as he tried to find the words.

“Look. I know how a man and a woman dual cultivate. I know the mechanism behind it.” Jiang Wanyin began, while Lan Xichen’s eyes slowly widened, mouth agape slightly, as he stared at his husband because there it was again… mechanism? Really? Who ever speak of sex like that? Oblivious, Jiang Wanyin continued on. “But I must admit that I am not- not sure how both of us could do it? The mechanism is not working since I don’t have the- the-” The blush painted on Jiang Wanyin’s fair cheeks brilliantly. “Fuck! You know what! How are you to transfer your qi into mine, when you-, when I- '' His hand flailed as he tried to articulate his point as the words failed him.

Lan Xichen watched the beautiful disaster in front of him with increasing incredulity as an incredible thought passed through him - Jiang Wanyin had never been with a man before ?! This Jiang Wanyin? The one who had been the object of many people’s lustful stares and thoughts? Because who in their right mind saw Sandu Shengshou barking orders with Zidian crackling in his hand and was left not desiring him? 

Certainly not Lan Xichen. 

When Lan Xichen extended his marriage proposal towards Jiang Wanyin and was accepted, he had thought that Jiang Wanyin had sexual experience with men before, because if he didn’t want to dual cultivate with a man; with him , Jiang Wanyin wouldn’t have accepted his proposal. He would have gone with a woman, instead. But this? This revelation that Jiang Wanyin hadn’t even had any experience sharing beds with men was shocking and, if he was honest to himself, undoubtedly the most arousing revelation. The knowledge that he was the first man to ever touch the beautiful Sandu Shengshou was heady .

“Wanyin…” Lan Xichen said hoarsely. That got Jiang Wanyin to stop his nervous movements and he raised his wide, panicked eyes to meet Lan Xichen’s dark amber ones. “You’ve never been with a man?”

For one moment, at the look of surprise in Lan Xichen’s face, Jiang Wanyin wanted to say yes - that he had never been with a man only . He knew how abnormal it was for anyone to be at this age with his status and still hadn’t had any experience in that matter. But he wasn’t anybody - his childhood was all about competing for a father’s affection that would never, ever be his; his teenage years were about him losing his family, his sect and core; and after that, he was neck-deep, almost suffocating, with the tidals of responsibility for his sect and for Jin Ling that he didn’t (couldn’t!) spare any thought for potential spouses. To make the matter even worse, the tortures he suffered at the hands of the Wen made him instinctively recoil from everybody’s proximity and touch. And when Wei Wuxian (the one of the two people he had trusted enough to be near) betrayed him, left Lotus Pier and saved the people from the sect that had tortured him in the first place, his aversion towards people grew even worse. It took years and years for Jiang Wanyin to be able to stand in the crowd without cold sweat breaking out at the base of his nape, feeling so damned vulnerable that he allowed rage to cover his inner anxiety. 

Then, Lan Xichen came into his life with an outstretched hand of friendship that he had never expected. The taller man had been so calm in the face of his irrational anger and incredibly careful about keeping his distance whenever Jiang Wanyin had been too restless. Their friendship was something Jiang Wanyin had never known he needed. He had been so alone, especially so after Jiang Yanli had died and Lan Xichen had tentatively pulled him out of his cold, bitter world into a world where he was learning to trust and to feel again. This friendship of theirs was something Jiang Wanyin cherished that he didn’t want to lie to him. Not when they were married to each other.

He didn’t want to go into Lan Xichen’s bed with him having a perception that he had any experience with this area.

So he said quietly, “Lan Xichen. I have never been with anyone .” 

There was a loud silence stretched between them. Lan Xichen’s jaw dropped open slightly because the statement didn’t make any sense to his head. Eventually, Jiang Wanyin braved a glance up to Lan Xichen’s face and was taken aback by the flush on his cheeks and how the amber eyes were dilated into complete black. Why did Lan Xichen look like that? 

Lan Xichen let out a shaky breath. “Wanyin, I- how’s that possible? I mean, look at you…” So beautiful that I find it hard to breathe sometimes, just yearning for you.

Jiang Wanyin looked away in embarrassment. “You know why. How many years we’ve spent in this friendship before I even allowed you to touch me? And that was when I already knew you. How could I ever accept the touch of a stranger?”

Realisation dawned in Lan Xichen. “ Oh, Wanyin.. ” Lust dissipated instantly at the remembrance. He took a few steps closer to his friend, his own heart bled at the reminder. Of course- how could he forget about Wanyin’s war scars that had never properly healed? “You’re right, I am being thoughtless.” His hand itched to touch his husband to comfort.

He remembered when they were still in their early years of tentative friendship. Jiang Wanyin might not know this, but Lan Xichen had been taking an interest in him since when he came to Cloud Recesses in his youth. While most eyes were set on the unruly, vivacious Wei Wuxian, Lan Xichen’s eyes were helplessly drawn to Cloud Recesses’ youngest disciple at that time. It was stillness that Jiang Wanyin held within himself that was so distinctive when compared to Wei Wuxian, that had caught Lan Xichen’s attention. Jiang Wanyin was still building the fortress wall around himself; still caught between wanting to join Wei Wuxian in the land of mischief and carefree or burrowing further within himself in the land of discontentment and rage. Back then, Lan Xichen didn’t understand the simmering anger Jiang Wanyin always held within. And so, he held himself back from approaching the young man.

And then, the Cloud Recesses was burned down, Lotus Pier was annihilated and the Sunshot Campaign happened. It was all Lan Xichen could do to hold himself above the water of desperation from waves of deaths and war. He saw Jiang Wanyin in the peripheral of his sight whenever they fought but he couldn’t find the strength to approach him; especially when he saw Jiang Wanyin’s rage was burning even hotter. When Wei Wuxian went ahead and dragged Lotus Pier’s fragile reputation through the mud in his self-righteous frenzies, Jiang Wanyin gradually withdrew from the cultivation world.

Two years after the incident at the Mount Burial, fate brought them back together. Lan Xichen was on his way to meet Jin Guangyao when he heard Jiang Wanyin’s voice; brittle with desperation, and Jin Guangshan, frothing with self-importance. He didn’t mean to eavesdrop but Jin Guangshan was never a soft-spoken man to begin with. From the conversation, Lan Xichen realised, with his heart warm, Jiang Wanyin was bargaining his nephew’s time with the man - he was asking for Jin Ling to stay with him for a longer period of time, and Jin Guangshan was enjoying the sight of the proud Sandu Shengshou’s back bent in humility. It was then, Lan Xichen understood that beneath the rage and hard countenance, Jiang Wanyin possessed the softest of heart and the loyalest of spirit.

The sheer contradiction intrigued Lan Xichen so much. And suddenly the long-buried attraction for the young man with a loud shixiong from when Lan Xichen was young, came back to life as if it was never gone at all.

Years following that moment, Lan Xichen spent every possible moment when they met trying to get close to the withdrawn man. Jiang Wanyin pushed away all of his attempts to extend hand of friendship but even the hardest stone caved in to mere drops of water if the water was persistent enough. And Lan Xichen was. The more he got to know Jiang Wanyin, the further in love he fell as pieces of Jiang Wanyin’s armour and mask gradually fell down. Within the defensive wall he built for himself, Jiang Wanyin had hidden a man whose loyalty and love were cruelly discarded away from the people he had loved the most. Badly burnt, Jiang Wanyin couldn’t find the strength to put his heart and trust into another person anymore.

But Lan Xichen still tried. The night when Jiang Wanyin first accepted his invitation to walk under the moonlight after the end of a conference was amongst the best moments of Lan Xichen’s life.  

Their friendship started small and slow. But as years went by, Lan Xichen realised Jiang Wanyin didn’t like being touched at all. More than that, he hated being crowded in or being approached from behind. There was something fragile peeking from his angry mask whenever someone did that and Lan Xichen saw it all, even when the whole world didn’t. It made him want to soothe the inflamed edges of the wounds and made him want to be the one whom Jiang Wanyin would not hide from. But the wall was too thick and Lan Xichen forced himself to be content with whatever it was Jiang Wanyin allowed him - scattered few gifts from Gusu Lan, companionable walks in towns and in gardens, smiles and soft laughters and most preciously, small touches initiated by the man himself. Lan Xichen remembered all of the few moments of unbridled displays of trust from Jiang Wanyin and he kept all those deeply within his heart.    

And then, the event at Guanyin Temple happened.

Everything good that they had built between them for more than ten years was destroyed by the truth. It forced them to part ways; Lan Xichen secluded himself in Hanshi to stoke the small flame of anger into a giant wildfire of rage, and Jiang Wanyin hid himself in Lotus Pier as he slowly rejected the unwanted core within until no qi left for him.  

Lan Xichen thought his chances had passed him by. The once in a lifetime chance . Fate, however, didn’t agree with him. 

Looking at Jiang Wanyin’s clear, distressed face, Lan Xichen endlessly wondered how had he ever been allowed to have this? How was he allowed to marry the man, who he had patiently chased after only to give up in face of ultimate betrayal. And how, despite it all, Lan Xichen marvelled at the realisation that he still wanted to pick up where he left off; still wanting to chase after the man, forever . 

He hated the idea of sleeping in separate rooms, but Lan Xichen understood Jiang Wanyin now. “If you didn’t want me to touch you, I won’t,” Lan Xichen said softly. “But I promised you now that my touch will never bring you pain, or humiliation, or grief.”

Jiang Wanyin inhaled sharply at the perceived weakness. Denials were quick to appear. “I’m not-”

“I’m not insinuating anything, Wanyin,” Lan Xichen said quickly. He knew how Jiang Wanyin had always hated people thinking he was somehow broken from the wars. “I’m just stating where we stand at the moment and I’ll respect whatever your decision is.”

Jiang Wanyin’s eyes widened when he finally realised that Lan Xichen was willing to forgo the whole dual cultivation thing if he didn’t want to be touched. He was willing to throw his life away just so Jiang Wanyin could be spared from reliving the trauma of being tortured to death. 

Something incredibly warm filled his heart. 

Something incredibly persuasive within him was urging him to trust in Lan Xichen; he had trusted Lan Xichen with his heart when he accepted his first invitation for a late-night walk all those years ago and now the feeling inside was telling him that perhaps, for the first time in almost twenty years, Jiang Wanyin could bear receiving another person’s touch that wasn’t Jin Ling. 

Perhaps he could trust Lan Xichen with his body too.

Perhaps, this time, the touch would not bring him pain. Nor humiliation. Nor nightmares. 

Diving into Lan Xichen’s warm golden eyes, Jiang Wanyin realised that he wanted to risk it all. 

So, he took the most courageous step forward, and then another when he found it to be bearable - closer and closer to Lan Xichen until he stood a breath away. At this proximity, Jiang Wanyin could feel the warmth of his husband’s body and the faint scent of wildflowers and sandalwood. Then he raised his head to meet Lan Xichen’s patient but hopeful gaze; his hands trembling as they, too, were raised up to gently touch Lan Xichen’s face. He could feel the shaky breath that gently caressed his hands, telling him that Lan Xichen was nervous too, and the love he always reserved for this man burst out like a firework.

For the first time in years, Jiang Wanyin didn’t fear someone’s nearness to him. He wanted Lan Xichen like he had never desired anyone before in his life. 

“I have never been with anyone,” he repeated slowly. “But this time, I think I want to try... with you.”

The smile on Lan Xichen’s face was so blinding, infectious and so beautiful that Jiang Wanyin couldn’t stop the smile on his face either.

* * * * *  

Now that Lan Xichen knew his husband had never been with anyone, he yearned to make their first one memorable - something that they would remember for the rest of their lives. He wanted to court Jiang Wanyin properly; he wanted to learn his ways around Jiang Wanyin’s kisses and touches and all of the sensitive spots until he was certain of Lan Xichen’s unfathomable feelings for him. No matter what they had said on the morning after their wedding - about them becoming friends and remaining friends, Lan Xichen wanted Jiang Wanyin more than that. 

Lan Xichen wanted to make Jiang Wanyin fall in love with him.

He had planned to wait for a few more weeks before they dual-cultivated because he wanted their first time to be more than just an obligation or an agreement to be fulfilled. He wanted Jiang Wanyin to want him, to need him - and he wanted him to love him back. Maybe not as much as Lan Xichen had loved him but just enough so Jiang Wanyin would enjoy his first time.

And so, Lan Xichen spent his daily routine in Cloud Recesses, walking out from the meeting he had with Shufu and the elders and hastened his feet towards Hanshi, eager to have lunch with his husband. During their rotation stay in Cloud Recesses, Jiang Wanyin preferred to do his works in Hanshi, going out only when to see Shufu, his husband and the handful of his own people that he had brought with him to deal with Lotus Pier’s affairs remotely. If he was lucky, Lan Xichen would come home to the sight of Jiang Wanyin kneeling on the ground, tending the field of blue gentian, while trying to figure out whether he could try planting lotuses on the mountain soils.

He loves seeing Jiang Wanyin looking so carefree, with his hair half-loose, informal robes and hands full of dirt. It showed how comfortable and safe Jiang Wanyin was as he was slowly making his home in Hanshi. And Lan Xichen could see it as his possessions were intermingling with Jiang Wanyin’s - purple robes carelessly thrown over the bamboo screen, purple ribbons and lotus-shaped hair ornaments scattered on the vanity table alongside his own white ribbon and dragon-shaped ones and Jiang Wanyin’s own personal books on the tables. Hanshi now carried the scents of permeating lotuses, especially so in the office space where he often haunched and laboured over sect’s documents and letters.

When they were at Lotus Pier, Lan Xichen insisted on resuming his routine. He smiled charmingly to the maids at the kitchen, pleading for a tray of lunch for both of them before bringing it to meet Jiang Wanyin at his office.

“Another trade agreement?” Lan Xichen asked, haunching his back to peer over Jiang Wanyin's shoulder. The lunch tray balanced precariously on his hands.

“Yes, the clan at the edge of Lotus Pier’s border kept demanding us to reduce the trade tariff, it’s bordering on an act of charity by now,” Jiang Wanyin grumbled. He then glanced up to Lan Xichen, eyes widened to see the tray. “Put down the tray before we’re both covered in lunch!” 

Lan Xichen laughed before expertly twisted the tray and placed it smoothly on the table. “I think I am quite adept in bringing us lunch by now.”

Jiang Wanyin scowled. “Is this you, telling me to go eat in the banquet hall?”

“No, I would never dare!” Lan Xichen teased with a dramatic hand on his chest. “What Lan furen wants, is what he will get.”

“Who’s Lan furen! You’re Jiang furen!” Jiang Wanyin picked up a crumpled piece of paper and threw it at Lan Xichen.

Lan Xichen tsked playfully. “My furen is so violent.” He shook his head. “I should have indulged you more, shouldn’t I? Then, my husband will stop being so rough on me.”

Jiang Wanyin blushed. “Lan Xichen! How are you this shameless!”

They proceeded to eat while throwing words at each other or, rather, it was Lan Xichen who teased, while Jiang Wanyin was left flustered and scowling and trying to give back as good as he could. They contented themselves with these routines - weeks went by without Lan Xichen succumbing to his rage and Jiang Wanyin’s doubling down in pain from his dying core, as they were so immersed in the easy camaraderie and late-night intimacies of simply talking and getting to know each other. Lan Xichen was adamant in his vow to wait for Jiang Wanyin before they made love because the world had been cruel, harsh and uncaring to his husband, and Lan Xichen would never be one of them.

Weeks turned to months. Their relationship grew closer. It was as if they didn’t spend two years apart and were suffering in isolation. During that time, they learned their way around each other in this hasty marriage of theirs.

Lan Xichen found out his husband had an unhealthy obsession with sugary confectionery with dragon’s beards being his absolute favourite. Jiang Wanyin wrote with an odd slant in his brush that often left the base of his wrists smeared with ink. When he rested his chin on his hand, the ink would smear his chin as well and Lan Xichen found that to be oddly adorable. His calligraphy was bold, uneven and yet straight-to-the-point; it was a reflection of the man himself. And as he read official documents, he had this cute habit of scrunching his nose at outrageous demands and then an explosive sigh when it became too unbearable.

Lan Xichen learned of Jiang Wanyin’s intense dislike of being hovered from behind. His husband disliked being put in helpless situations and most of all, he disliked being in the musty, damp dungeons, especially the one in Lotus Pier where he was held as prisoner years ago. And because of that, Jiang Wanyin also suffered a periodic interval of insomnia, where he couldn’t sleep for days. Trauma was a strange, fickle thing indeed; just as Lan Xichen was slowly discovering. Time made it numb and bearable, but, in the most unexpected time and place, it could rear its ugly head as if it happened only yesterday. On the nights when the nightmares had their grips so cruelly onto Jiang Wanyin’s heart and mind, Lan Xichen would often wake up to a cold space beside and to the sight of the dark silhouette, sitting unmoved. 

The first time it happened, Lan Xichen had sat up, heart thundered at the empty space beside him, and sighed quietly in relief when he saw Jiang Wanyin sitting at the sill of the window.  “Can’t sleep?” He answered softly, breaking the dark, silent cocoon.

It had visibly startled Jiang Wanyin. He snapped his head back to Lan Xichen, shadows covered the expression on his face.

“Wanyin?” Lan Xichen asked when his question was unanswered. “What’s wrong, my heart?”

Jiang Wanyin gave his head a forced shake as he was trying to dispel something. “I’m fine, Xichen-ge,” he finally croaked an answer. “Go back to sleep.”

Lan Xichen bit his lips, contemplating his next action. He knew Jiang Wanyin had fallen asleep when he laid next to him. So… nightmare. Oh, this was one thing that he knew he had to tread carefully. 

“The Wens?” He dared the question so gently that it was almost lost to the soft wind of the night.

He saw Jiang Wanyin shuddered as he turned his head back to the window. Silvery moonlight trickled through the gaps of the window and for the first time that night, Lan Xichen could see a pale face - almost translucent in fear that hadn’t passed - and a pair of violet eyes staring out into the darkness. Lan Xichen knew Jiang Wanyin was seeing something entirely else that wasn’t lotuses and ponds outside their room. He wouldn’t know, but he could guess.

He was immediately reminded of the talk they had a week after their marriage, about Jiang Wanyin’s fear of touch. His heart immediately bled for the man who suffered his trauma so silently. Lan Xichen instinctively knew that at that moment, words were useless and would go unheard because Jiang Wanyin’s mind and soul were not here with him. Even so, he still wanted Jiang Wanyin to be with him. 

“Come to me.”

Gentle but firm. And it got Jiang Wanyin to stare back at him, eyes wide in surprise.

“Come to me, my heart,” Lan Xichen repeated as he slowly spread his arms invitingly. He could see hesitation in Jiang Wanyin. Years of being alone, bearing every wound behind the closed door of his room so no one could see their sect leader falter, had made Jiang Wanyin unable to accept any form of comfort. Lan Xichen understood - Jiang Wanyin simply didn’t know how to . 

“Please don’t hesitate.” Lan Xichen tried to smile, but his lips trembled at the weight of such revelation and love, because, by the heavens above, how Lan Xichen loved Jiang Wanyin - scars and all. 

He whispered hoarsely. “It’s just me, your husband .”

Jiang Wanyin inhaled a sharp breath at those words. Tears burned his eyes and the residual fear clutched at his heart ever since he woke up from the nightmare slowly dissipated at the sight and feel of Lan Xichen’s voice, offering his comfort. 

“Xichen…” 

“Come to me please…” Lan Xichen insisted - pleading.

Jiang Wanyin gathered the last of his courage and allowed the fear to leave as he stood up and slowly walked towards Lan Xichen’s open arms. The steps were still unsure, as if he was expecting Lan Xichen to recant his invitation, but Lan Xichen’s steady presence spurred him on. 

That night Jiang Wanyin slept with Lan Xichen’s arms wrapped securely around him and Lan Xichen’s voice hummed comforting melodies from his childhood. Scents of wildflowers and sandalwood and sounds of deep baritone weaving into music were beginning to replace the half-remembered scent of blood, of burning flesh, of cruel laughter and taunting words and of excruciating pain that had him begging for death to come and take him away. In Lan Xichen’s arms Jiang Wanyin found warmth instead of icy-cold fear. In Lan Xichen’s arms, Jiang Wanyin was slowly relearning the definition of security and rest after twenty years of fighting.

But of all the things Lan Xichen learned and observed since that night, he could never get Jiang Wanyin to talk about his dying core. About Wei Wuxian and his deception. And how could Lan Xichen push him to talk, when he, himself , couldn’t talk about the ever present rage simmering beneath his mask? About Jin Guangyao and Nie Mingjue? About his stupidity and naivety?

So he took comfort in their new marriage, hoping that this happiness that he had found with Jiang Wanyin was enough to quell their ghosts and demons. He knew they were ignoring the biggest elephants in the room but right now? Lan Xichen didn’t care.

At the beginning of their third month of marriage, Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian finally returned from their excursion, looking exhilarated. Shufu was waiting at the Cloud Recesses’ courtyard with his face dark in unsuppressed anger while Lan Xichen stood beside shufu, equally displeased at his brother’s long absence. 

One look at shufu and Lan Xichen’s quiet anger, Lan Wangji sobered up quickly as he hastened his steps towards them. “Shufu, xiongzhang,” he greeted politely as he bowed his back. “I wasn’t aware xiongzhang was already out of seclusion.”

Lan Qiren narrowed his eyes. “If you had kept contact with the sect while you were out in the world, you would know.” Lan Wangji looked properly chastened.

“Why haven’t you replied to any of our messages?” Lan Xichen spoke up. “Do you know how worried we were? We thought something had happened to you!”

“Xiongzhang.. Wei Ying and I were chasing a group of yao that was terrorising several villages in the Baling area.”

“And you couldn’t spare a message or two to tell us?!” Lan Qiren demanded. “To tell us that you are at least alive?!”

Wei Wuxian remained silent in the background. Truth to be told, the thought of sending messages had never occurred in either of their minds. Granted that this was the longest they had ever gone away, ever since Wei Wuxian married into Gusu Lan Sect two years ago, but they were so preoccupied with the case (and with each other, to be quite honest) that by the time the yaos were dealt with, it had been close to five months since they had gone away. 

“I am sorry, shufu,” Lan Wangji said in his usual toneless voice.

Well, Wei Wuxian did try to remain silent, but he was never the one to fade into the background. Seeing that the initial fire of wrath from Lan Qiren was dimming down, he sauntered closer to Lan Wangji with a disarming grin on his face - the one he knew Lan Zhan was weak against. “I am sorry, too, Lan-shifu. We don’t usually get scolded for being away unnotified.”

Lan Xichen sighed. “Both of you have been gone for five months. And we have reasons for wanting to contact you to come home sooner.”

Lan Wangji raised his pale gold eyes towards his brother. “Xiongzhang? Is something wrong?”

Lan Xichen exchanged looks with Lan Qiren. The older man huffed silently and nodded his head, telling Lan Xichen to break the news.

“Wangji… I-” Lan Xichen halted as a huge smile was breaking out. He simply couldn’t keep in the frothing happiness from bubbling over the surface whenever the topic of his gorgeous husband was broached. “-I am married.”

The response was only an utter silence as both Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian’s eyes were wide and their mouths dropped open. Lan Wangji was stunned, while Wei Wuxian’s spluttered words scattered on the ground. “What- how… When did this happen…? No, wait a minute! WHO? To whom you’re married??”  

Lan Qiren resisted the urge to indignifyingly roll his eyes. “How are you surprised? Lan Xichen had many marriage proposals ever since he became a sect leader.”

“Which none was ever accepted by xiongzhang,” Lan Wangji interjected wildly. The constant apathy in his face was gone. “And- all this happened within five months?! Why didn’t both of you wait for me?”

Lan Xichen was dreading this. He didn’t want Lan Wangji to think he was marrying Jiang Wanyin because he was heading towards qi deviation. He didn’t want Lan Wangji to think he was marrying Jiang Wanyin for any other reason than because he loved Jiang Wanyin. He had been loving Jiang Wanyin for the last ten years. And if he worded his explanation wrong, Lan Wangji would think badly about Jiang Wanyin; not that either of them was holding each other in the highest regard, but still… 

Oblivious to Lan Xichen’s dilemma, Lan Qiren narrowed his eyes at Lan Wangji. “Wait for you?” He challenged. “Two months before you went off to who-knows-where, you were there, with me, witnessing Lan Xichen qi deviating. We were both there to stave off the rolling, unstable qi from killing Lan Xichen! You know the best course he could take is to dual cultivate with someone, so that he could temper his qi!”

“A marriage of convenience?” Wei Wuxian echoed in disbelief.

Lan Wangji gritted his jaw as guilt engulfed him. But he refused to allow guilt to lower his defensiveness. “Dual-cultivating when one partner is already overflowing with qi requires another person to have reasonably the same level of cultivation as xiongzhang. And she would need to be able to handle the overwhelming influx - what woman could have that high level of cultivation and skill to handle xiongzhang qi? Is she even up to the job?” He snapped.

Lan Xichen could see he was losing control of the conversation. He was just glad Jiang Wanyin was at Lotus Pier at this moment for an emergency matter and wasn’t here to witness this conversation.

And Lan Qiren? He was feeling insulted on behalf of Jiang Wanyin at Lan Wangji’s condescending tone. He drew his height to the highest and took a step closer to Lan Wangji. “The partner that Lan Xichen and I chose,” he said with arched brows. “-is someone with high cultivation level, a good family background, a status to be envied with a reputation of being an influential war veteran and an effective curse breaker.”

Lan Xichen stared at shufu in amazement, while Lan Wangji looked like he swallowed something sour.

“ ‘Up to the job’ ?” Lan Qiren scoffed at Lan Wangji’s words. “You have no idea.”

“Who- who is she, then?” Wei Wuxian exclaimed. “I would certainly have known a woman of that calibre!”

“It’s not a woman, Wei Wuxian,” Lan Xichen sighed in exasperation. “My husband is Jiang Wanyin.”

Another long pause stretched between the four men as Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian’s jaws were once again dropped in disbelief. So long that Lan Xichen feared the news had broken both of them. Then, gradually, the usual pale cheeks of Lan Wangji turned into deep red, flushed with rage. Conversely, Wei Wuxian’s cheeks went deathly pale. The last time Wei Wuxian had seen his former shidi was two years ago, when he left the defeated figure on the floor of Guanyin Temple. How was it now he was married to Lan Xichen?!! What had happened in the last five months they were away?!

“You-- married Sandu Shengshou?” Lan Wangji’s tone was tight.

“Yes.”

“Sect Leader Jiang?” Lan Wangji growled.

“Who else has that title?”

“Why?!” Lan Wangji finally raised his tone.

Lan Xichen narrowed his eyes. There was it - the confrontation that he had expected but was hoping would never happen. It was clear to him that Lan Wangji wouldn’t let go of a decade worth of anger and grudge so easily. “Why not , Wangji?”

Lan Wangji was geared for full-on confrontation. “Of all the people you could have chosen for this farce of a marriage, why did it have to be Jiang Wanyin?” Lan Wanji snapped. “Have you forgotten about his reputation?!”

Farce of a marriage? Lan Xichen thought in disbelief at Lan Wangji’s careless words. If words were punches, Lan Xichen swore it would hurt the same. Ten years of chasing after the man. Countless soft and careful chosen words under the night velvet sky, hoping that their fate would be intertwined in the future. The blooming feelings nipped so cruelly from the sudden heartaches from betrayal. And then finding the courage to move on and forging tentative steps once again as they danced carefully around each other, for they couldn’t afford another pain, another loss. This marriage- this marriage - was certainly done with great consideration.

“A farce?” Lan Xichen laughed incredulously. “Do you really think I am capable of marrying another without intending to keep my promise?”

“How else will this appear to us, Zewu-Jun?” Wei Wuxian demanded. An acute stabbing feeling pierced his heart and Wei Wuxian didn’t know why the news that Jiang Wanyin had married bothered him so. “Are you telling us that this marriage wasn’t driven by desperation?”

This was what Lan Xichen feared. Now, whatever he said would be seen as an excuse to make this marriage somehow less fake. “Why don’t you tell me, Wei Wuxian?” He said quietly as he tried to swallow down his rage. He couldn’t afford losing control over his qi.

“Jiang Cheng has never shown any interest in boys or girls! He always kept it to himself. He detests touches from strangers and he abhors relationships. Why would he agree to be with you under the pretence of a farce marriage?! Just to help you out in qi deviation? Jiang Cheng is not that selfless. ”

Lan Qiren gasped, while Lan Xichen snapped his head towards Wei Wuxian in rage. “ Not selfless?!” Lan Xichen roared. “What, in heaven's name, then, did you call him raising Jin Ling?!”

Wei Wuxian staggered a step back. How had he forgotten about that? He was thinking about the lasts of his days in his previous life. Jiang Wanyin in his fragmented memories was all about Yunmeng Jiang Sect’s reputation and survival that Wei Wuxian had to rely on himself to save the Wens. Was it his own memory or was it tainted by the demonic cultivation that he practised? It was hard sometimes to see the situation as it was when all he could remember was red-tinged rage and the insanity of killing everyone on his way.

“Zewu-Jun-” Wei Wuxian said softly. 

“Xiongzhang-”

“No,” Lan Xichen snapped, finally having enough of his personal life being judged by the people who couldn’t even bother to be happy for him. “The matter is done. I am married to Jiang Wanyin. Whatever the reasons are, they are our own. And whatever animosity you have towards Jiang Wanyin, I suggest you get over it. Sandu Shengshou is my cultivation partner and he is a part of our family.”

* * * * *

Jiang Wanyin entered the Hanshi with a deep breath. The emergency matter had been swiftly dealt with, and Lan Xichen did tell him to remain in Lotus Pier until their next rotation if he found himself to be too tired to travel back to Cloud Recesses, but Jiang Wanyin had been spending the last two months with Lan Xichen’s solid and reassuring warmth beside him in the bed. He found himself reluctant to remain another day without seeing his husband. 

But he wasn’t an idiot either, to bet on his unstable core, so he sent a butterfly message to Lan Xichen, telling him that he would be arriving around lunch hour and coaxed Jiang Yanhuo to fly him to Cloud Recesses. “I have five more days to stay in Cloud Recesses. It would be unfair to Zewu-Jun if I cut my rotation short.”

A wide grin on his head disciple’s face told Jiang Wanyin that Jiang Yanhuo knew exactly what he was not saying; Jiang Wanyin missed Lan Xichen. “Yeah, sure, Sect Leader. We wouldn’t want to take advantage of Zewu-Jun’s kindness, would we?”

Jiang Wanyin could feel his cheeks burning, so he simply glared. “I think I should update our training regime. What do you think about Gusu Lan handstands?”

Jiang Yanhuo blinked. “Sect Leader! That’s not fair!” He whined.

“Then, take me to Cloud Recesses now,” Jiang Wanyin said snotily. “Maybe I will change my mind.”

Jiang Yanhuo did and when they had arrived, he could only smile indulgently at the sight of his sect leader running towards the Hanshi, leaving him in the courtyard alone. A happy Jiang Wanyin was a sight Jiang Yanhuo could never get over with and could never get tired of seeing. After almost a lifetime of seeing him drowning in his rage and grief, Jiang Yanhuo never wanted to see it ever again. He vowed to keep his sect leader happy. With a tune whistled under his breath and a smile on his face, he walked towards the dining hall, hoping for an early lunch.

Oblivious to Jiang Yanhuo’s thought, Jiang Wanyin hastened his steps. 

Within minutes, he eventually saw the archway that bore the name Hanshi across it. He walked inside and Jiang Wanyin curved up a small smile at how cosy the inside of the Hanshi felt, despite the cold air outside. It was surprising how quickly Hanshi felt like home, when merely a few months ago, he hadn’t even stepped into the compound of Lan Xichen’s residence. He quickly divested his belongings on the table and took off the outer thick robe. He spent a few more moments putting away his things before he sensed someone at the opened door. .

Instinctively Jiang Wanyin twirled around with his hand stretched outwards for Sandu. However, his movement froze when he saw him. “Wei Wuxian!” 

“Jiang Cheng,” Wei Wuxian said. There were traces of boiling frustration in his countenance, making his grey eyes look wild and desperate.

“You- you’re back,” Jiang Wanyin said uselessly. Breathlessly. Because he wasn’t expecting him at all.

“And you’re married !” Wei Wuxian cried out.

The loud accusation made Jiang Wanyin tense in surprise, but he quickly recovered. He straightened his back once again and looked directly at Wei Wuxian. He refused to cower. “Xichen-ge told you?” He guessed.

Wei Wuxian didn’t answer. His emotions were running wild. Hearing Jiang Cheng call Lan Xichen with ~ge suffix only made his heart ache even more. “Were you marrying him because you wanted to help Lan Xichen with his qi-deviation?!” He demanded. 

Jiang Wanyin frowned. Apparently, Lan Xichen didn’t tell Wei Wuxian about his own side of the bargain; that he, too, was supposed to receive help from Lan Xichen for his own dying core. “Why does it matter to you the reason I marry Lan Xichen?”

“Because it doesn’t make any sense! You are not a cutsleeve! You’re not in love! And since you care about someone else’s problem?!” Wei Wuxian retorted; he sounded unhinged and almost manic. “Why took the path of marriage to Lan Xichen, of all people ?!”

There were many things Jiang Wanyin wanted to say - about being a cutsleeve, about why Wei Wuxian so fixated about Lan Xichen, about how none of this was his business, not since Wei Wuxian walked away from him that night at Guanyin Temple, but somehow the words that came were, “Why are you so certain that I’m not in love?” Was the thought of him, Sandu Shengshou, being in love so strange?

Wei Wuxian looked straight into Jiang Wanyin’s eyes and said in his matter-of-fact voice. “Because that is just how you are.”

Just how he was? Jiang Wanyin thought, before he slowly understood. Oh heavens, how he finally understood.

Loveless. He was loveless. 

The words echoed without sound but it weighed so heavily between them. There was dark, hard rock lodged within Jiang Wanyin’s throat and heart and stomach. For the first time in their long, tumultuous relationship, Jiang Wanyin finally saw . He finally saw where he stood with Wei Wuxian. What he was worth . 

All those times he spent his childhood running after Wei Wuxian, picking lotus stalks, running along the corridors, laughing and jostling and crying together - them spending almost twenty years together - Wei Wuxian had thought him as someone without love - as someone who was incapable of love. Oh, how this hurt. Tears burned in his eyes, his heart cracked and shattered, his lungs could scarcely draw a breath in Wei Wuxian’s presence. 

Jiang Wanyin had bled his heart out loving Wei Wuxian, didn’t Wei Wuxian know that? From as trivial as kneeling beside Wei Wuxian in the ancestral hall until both of their knees creaked, to begging his mother to not cut Wei Wuxian’s arms at the cost of their sect’s survival, to running nonstop for days to Lotus Pier to save Wei Wuxian from the cave, to putting himself in harm’s way just so Wei Wuxian could escape safely, Jiang Wanyin had done it all. For the sake of their brotherhood. Didn’t Wei Wuxian realise that?! Hadn’t Jiang Wanyin given the best of him?

It hurt to know that each gesture of affection he had given to Wei Wuxian was never accepted.

Never recognised.

Never reciprocated.

Because how else could Wei Wuxian ever think of him as loveless ?

The core within him slithered and writhed. Jiang Wanyin unconsciously gripped his chest - his heart - because he was so sure he was bleeding with crimson red blood, trickling down his robe and pooled around his feet. Wei Wuxian might as well plunge a sword into his heart and it would still be the same thing. He staggered a step backward. And another.

“Jiang Cheng…” Wei Wuxian called out anxiously, too late in recognising the carelessness of his words.

“Leave me,” Jiang Wanyin whispered. His lips were almost bloodless. 

“No!” Wei Wuxian didn’t mean their conversation to go in this direction. He was just so rattled by the sudden news of Jiang Cheng being married to Zewu-Jun that he had failed to stop himself from hurting Jiang Cheng with his words. Why did they always go down this road? “Jiang Cheng, Jiang Cheng! That wasn’t what I meant!”

But Jiang Wanyin had heard enough. The pain in his heart infected downwards to his core. After months of being painless, the excruciating feeling reemerged - unwanted and unmissed. He could feel the tremors in his hands and burning sensation in his low belly. The golden core had stuttered and died.

“Go away, Wei Wuxian,” He turned around.

Wei Wuxian reached out his hand to snap Jiang Wanyin back to face him. He refused to allow their conversation to end like this. The sharp movement almost made the coreless Jiang Wanyin cry in pain because he didn’t have any qi to protect himself against Wei Wuxian. His legs shook badly and Jiang Wanyin had to reach back to the nearest table to support himself upright.

The painful sound from Jiang Wanyin made Wei Wuxian release his grip as if he was grabbing hot coal. “A-Cheng… what- what’s wrong?” 

Jiang Wanyin squeezed his eyes shut. He didn’t want to talk anymore. He didn’t want to see Wei Wuxian. Everything within him hurt, but it was his own heart that hurt the most. If the person who had grown up with him didn’t think he was capable of love, how was he to convince Lan Xichen the love he had always borne for the man? 

If Wei Wuxian didn’t believe he was capable of love, how could Lan Xichen ever will?

Insecurity, rage and desolation washed over him like tidal waves. “Go away,” He repeated; tears spilled humiliatingly over his closed eyes. “Go away!” He shouted.

Wei Wuxian gasped. He swallowed hard. The damage had been done. He knew no matter how hard he insisted, they would not go anywhere. Not like this. Not when they were both hurting so much. “I will go, A-Cheng,” he whispered. “But this is not over. I’ll come back.” 

He turned around and walked away from Hanshi.

Jiang Wanyin waited until he could no longer hear Wei Wuxian, before he allowed his rubber legs to crumble beneath him. Without any audience, Jiang Wanyin finally allowed himself to shatter. Blood tickled from his nose from his dying core. Tears streamed from his eyes from his dying heart. Silent scream echoed from his dying voice.

How could Wei Wuxian ever think he was loveless? 

Didn’t he know that Jiang Wanyin had been slowly killing himself for years to satisfy the hunger of this boundless love he bore for everyone he loved? 

Didn’t Wei Wuxian know that he had only wanted that love to be returned in equal measure?

* * * * *

Lan Xichen walked into their residential quarter in happy anticipation ever since he received a message from Jiang Wanyin that he was flying back to Hanshi early. He carefully balanced the tray in his hands; his husband must be famished after flying for hours, never mind the fact that it was Jiang Yanhuo who was doing all the flying. As he crossed the threshold of Hanshi’s main door, he was half-expecting Jiang Wanyin to be preoccupied, putting away his things, but instead he was greeted with unnatural stillness. 

The silence that greeted him was foreboding. “Wanyin?” He called out. “I’ve brought lunch.” There was no answer to his calling. His instinct churned uneasily. 

He placed down the tray on the nearest table and went into the office because he knew if Jiang Wanyin wasn’t in the garden, then he must be in the office. 

What he saw floored him.

Jiang Wanyin was lying curled sideways on the floor with his face pale-white, sheen with sweat, and his hand clenched hard at his lower stomach. His eyes were squeezed shut, clearly in excruciating pain and he was oblivious to his surroundings. Soft moans wheezed through tightly clenched jaws.

“Wanyin!” Lan Xichen cried as he rushed forward to pull Jiang Wanyin into his embrace. “What happened?” His fingers pressed hard on Jiang Wanyin’s meridian point and he gasped loudly when he could only sense the emptiness inside. Panic began to consume him. Lan Xichen heaved Jiang Wanyin upwards and brought his husband towards their bed. 

Lan Xichen quickly undid the hair and took off Jiang Wanyin’s outer robes so that he could breathe easier. Then he pressed his fingers back on the usual meridian point on the inner wrist and gently transferred his qi into the empty vessel. “Jiang Wanyin? Can you hear me?” He gently called out. “Wanyin?”

But qi transferral didn’t abate the pain as quickly as Lan Xichen wanted. He pressed harder, trying to find the cause and was shocked to find that Jiang Wanyin was totally devoid of any qi and the golden core seemed to have died. “Oh, heavens-” Lan Xichen breathed.This would take much longer than just a few moments of qi transferral. 

What had happened in the short interval between Jiang Wanyin’s arrival to Cloud Recesses? His husband hadn’t had any incidents with his core ever since their first wedding night and so did he. For months after they were married after that awful night of the wedding, Jiang Wanyin had not once shown any more symptoms of the qi loss. Lan Xichen had held out hopes that perhaps the tentative happiness from their marriage of convenience had somehow miraculously healed both of their defective cores. Now, he knew how foolish that hope was. He could no longer run away from the core of their problems.

However, right at this moment, Lan Xichen had to make sure Jiang Wanyin survived this. And this was something he couldn’t do on his own. He needed help. So, he quickly sent a butterfly message to Shufu. Shufu would know what to do. As he waited - either for Jiang Wanyin to wake up or for Shufu to come, he never let up his qi transferral. 

Something must have triggered the core to react like this. It seemed as if the Jiang Wanyin’s core refused to retain the qi that Lan Xichen had transferred to him. It seemed as if the core had really died. Panic swelled within him and it urged Lan Xichen to press harder and to transfer the qi faster and more. 

More and more and more.

It took nearly four incense sticks, but the constant influx of qi along his meridian lines finally shocked Jiang Wanyin to awareness of breathless gasps. It only took  a moment for Jiang Wanyin to realise the qi that was flowing within him wasn’t his. “Xi- Xichen, stop…” Jiang Wanyin said raspily. His eyes dazed as he regained his consciousness. “...How long have you-?”

“A bit more, Wanyin,” Lan Xichen tried to smile amidst his panic. 

“No-” Jiang Wanyin shook his head weakly as he tried to pull his hand away. Incidents from their wedding night resurfaced. “No! you promised me…”

Lan Xichen tightened his grip on Jiang Wanyin’s wrist, stopping his husband from pulling away from him. He curved up a reassuring smile that he didn’t feel. “I’m still whole and unharmed. But your qi is still dangerously low and your core is still not working despite my effort.”

Jiang Wanyin gasped as another wave of pain racked through his body. 

Lan Xichen bit his lips in growing worry. “Does your core always take this long to start working after a qi transferral? How did you deal with it in the past? Perhaps we can try that.”

“Xichen- I…” Jiang Wanyin tried to answer but the fatigue took over and he passed out once again, unable to answer his husband. 

“Wanyin!” Lan Xichen called out futilely. Another check up told Lan Xichen that his usual method to restore qi in Jiang Wanyin wasn’t successful, which meant, this method of qi transferring was no longer working. He needed to do a more rigorous method to restore Jiang Wanyin’s core.

Lan Xichen knew he had to resort to dual cultivation to save Jiang Wanyin’s life. And the realisation crashed down onto him like boulders tumbling down the hills.

A soft painful moan escaped his own lips. He didn’t want their first time to go this way. He had wanted to earn Jiang Wanyin’s trust first. He had wanted Jiang Wanyin’s love. He had made a promise to Jiang Wanyin. How was he ever going to have any of that now if he touched Jiang Wanyin when he was as defenceless as he was right now? He gripped Jiang Wanyin’s hand so tightly as his bowed head pressed against Jiang Wanyin’s side, stifling the sorrow mounting within him.

Suddenly, a set of anxious footsteps barged in Hanshi. “Lan Xichen!” Lan Qiren burst into Hanshi.

Lan Xichen raised his head to face his uncle, grief racked his whole frame - red eyes and pale cheeks - and it stunned Lan Qiren to see it. His panic shot upwards, fearing the worst.

“What happened!” 

“Wanyin- Wanyin needs dual cultivation,” Lan Xichen whispered almost inaudibly.

Lan Qiren halted at those words. He didn’t understand the hesitation in Lan Xichen’s voice. Why would his nephew be against dual cultivating with his own husband; hadn’t they done it before? “Okay,” he said slowly and he kneeled on the floor in front of Lan Xichen, who was slumping on the floor beside the bed in defeated form, one hand covering half of his face. 

“Lan Xichen, look at me.” Lan Qiren urged gently.

The amber eyes that finally looked up to him were cloudy with tears and Lan Qiren’s heart squeezed. “I don’t understand. Surely it was nothing new? You’ve been married for months!” And Lan Qiren had thought it worked because both Jiang Wanyin and Lan Xichen had looked healthy - almost glowy with robust qi. He had thought it was due to dual cultivation.

Lan Xichen swallowed hard. “Shufu…”

“You haven’t?!” Lan Qiren exclaimed, utterly shocked. “Heavens above, why haven’t you?!”

Lan Xichen’s grip on Jiang Wanyin’s hand tightened, as the flow of the qi stuttered. Lan Qiren watched Lan Xichen struggle with words and emotions. 

“Shufu… I-” Tears finally spilled over Lan Xichen’s eyes. “I love Jiang Wanyin… I- I am in love with him.” He confessed as if it was the greatest and heaviest secret he had carried all alone, all these years. To Lan Qiren, it was already a known secret so he still didn’t understand Lan Xichen’s reluctance. 

“I know you do,” he said softly. 

“...But he was so broken by his past tortures by the Wens’ hands. He told me that he had feared people’s proximity and touches that he had never allowed anyone to even come near him. So, I promise him that my touches will never bring pain to him,” Lan Xichen whispered. 

“Shufu… I, I just want to take away all the hurt he had ever been inflicted to, his whole life… I want him to remember me more than he remembered the past. I want to give him happiness he was denied and the consideration he was refused. So, I made a promise to myself that I will only touch him when he is ready.” When he loves me back … Lan Xichen’s heart cried out.

“Oh, Xichen…” Lan Qiren breathed. He understood it all now and his heart was breaking for his nephew, who had always loved too deeply and too quietly, and also for Jiang Wanyin, whose life had been so cruel to him that even the slightest touch hurt him.

Sob cracked Lan Xichen’s voice. “And now, I’m going to have to break the promise that I made to him. Jiang Wanyin will hate me.”

* * * * * *   

Chapter Text

Jiang Wanyin could barely keep up with his surroundings as he teetered between the land of consciousness and darkness. The pain that was wrecking his body was so debilitating and consuming that it was all he could do to keep himself above it just so he wouldn’t drown. The core within twisted and it pulled taut at his meridian lines; his limbs trembled, sweat beaded his forehead and cold blanketed his body. He had endured this kind of pain for two years, and yet Jiang Wanyin still marvelled at how much it hurt as he silently prayed to the darkness to take him away, if only to reprieve him from the torturous feeling. Amidst the loud scream of his pain, he could faintly feel his body being moved gently into some kind of position.

And then he could feel his clothes being carefully removed. 

Instantly, a flurry of images from his time as a prisoner in the Lotus Pier dungeon flooded his mind, akin to a hail of pain striking his head and body. The panic increased twice as much at the sudden, unwanted touches from unknown people, as the deafening panic drove his heart into a thunderous pace that he could hardly draw another breath. He knew he was writhing; a scream remained at the tip of his tongue, and a panicked whine escaped between his lips. The air was stuck halfway in his throat.

“Sh… sh….” A deep voice whispered desperately against his ear and Jiang Wanyin felt a press of soft flesh against his temple. Heavy, moist breaths warmed his skin. “Breathe, my heart, breathe.”

The voice and the scent were vaguely familiar. The familiarity cut through the panic noise, allowing the air to pass through as he immediately took a deep, choking breath. The man was pressing his lips against his forehead. Despite it, he didn’t stop his litany of comforting words. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” The voice cracked in sorrow and deepened in gathering tears. “I wish it didn’t have to come to this. I’ve wanted our first time to be so good for you. I would have waited years for you until you were ready.”

Jiang Wanyin gasped in surprise when he felt a heavy, large hand stroke gently along his flank, down to his bare hips and thighs. The touch felt clammy, nervous, and uncertain. It took a while for his muddy brain to realise that he was naked underneath the man. Like an explosive, the panic resurfaced acutely. He was defenceless and suffocated by the unknown. 

He was thrown back to the last time he was being touched without clothes as barriers and the hellish memory of his back and front being whipped viciously. He remembered the feel of his core melting as the pain intensified to the point of him wishing for swift death. He heard the echoes of cruel laughters, sneers and taunts.

He didn’t want to do this anymore. He couldn’t go through this again. He didn’t want this pain, this touch, or this fear. It was as if he had never left the dungeon. A huge part of him would always be there, in the cold, dark space, which always carried the scent of bitter fear and metallic blood.

“No– stop–” Jiang Wanyin managed a croak; his mind was still blurry from the onslaught of pain, but the decades of trauma were hard to let go of. He struggled against the heavy weight that was pressing against him, thinking it was Wen Zhuliu. With the strength of a doe, Jiang Wanyin feebly pushed futilely at the mass above him. “Don't—don't touch me!”

The hand quickly disappeared. The heavy weight was removed. Then he heard the sound of the other person’s sobs echo. Jiang Wanyin felt delicate tears fall on his own cheeks that he knew weren’t his own. He didn’t understand what was happening—why the touch didn’t bring pain like he had anticipated it would. He didn’t know why the man backed away instead of laughing cruelly. He hadn’t expected an assent to his plea to stop.

“Wanyin…” The trembling voice called out to him. “My brave Wanyin...”

That brought his panic to a halt. No one had ever called him brave before—cruel, heartless, loveless, but never brave. Brave was for his parents, fighting till the very last of their breaths. Brave was for the Lotus Pier disciples enduring the fire and destruction. Brave was never for him—the young master who fled to safety, leaving his home behind.

He wasn’t brave. Wen Chao knew that. Wen Zhuliu too. 

This person, who called him brave, was therefore not them.

The voice dropped down to a low whisper of naked reverence. It was unbelievably soft. “I know everything hurts right now. Your body, your heart, and your mind.” The touch was on him once again, but this time, it was so gentle that he could barely feel it. Callous fingers stroked his damp forehead and down to his cheekbones, wiping away the tears that Jiang Wanyin didn’t realise were slipping down to his cheeks. “I know the ghosts that are haunting you right now. I know where your mind is taking you. I know the pain that is currently wrecking through your body.”

Jiang Wanyin moaned in utter distress as he shook his head. 

“But, darling, I need you to be brave once again.” 

Jiang Wanyin felt tears burn anew at the corners of his eyes. He didn’t know if he could. Not when the pain inflamed every inch of his body. Not when all he could see was Wen Chao and Wen Zhuliu looming over him, like a pair of undefeatable ghouls clenching their claws around his heart. He let out a quiet sob, shaking his head even harder, and his hands curled into weak fists as he tried to push the man away from him.

“Stop– stop!”

The grip on his jaw tightened subtly. And he felt a pair of lips pressing desperately on his forehead. One kiss turned into two and three. “You can, my heart. You’re the bravest man I’ve ever known. And the strongest too. If you give me your trust, I will make the pain go away.”

Trust? After everything he had gone through—the betrayals and desertion, the heartbreak and abuse, the loneliness and derision—he didn’t think he knew the meaning of trust anymore. 

“You will never have to fear me. It’s just me, your Xichen-ge.”

Jiang Wanyin shuddered violently at the name—the magic name that made his own heart ache in a totally different way than before. He knew the name. He knew the man. He just had to see him. So, he forced himself to push through the blinding pain and screaming memory of the past and to open his eyes so he could look at the owner of the gentle voice, who sounded like he was sharing his pain too. Blurry eyes sought the face to match the voice and Jiang Wanyin saw it… saw him. 

His husband, leaning down to him with his own amber eyes tinged red with tears, paled his ivory skin into a ghostly white. Still, his husband smiled tremulously at the appearance of the violet eyes. “Hello there, my sweetheart.”

Jiang Wanyin gasped. His fear and panic abated as he realised that he wasn’t in the dungeon of his broken mind but in the arms of Lan Xichen instead; it was the place where he had sought for peace during those nights of nightmares and trauma. 

“Xichen-ge…” Jiang Wanyin whispered through his bloodless lips. The knowledge that he was in Lan Xichen’s arms instead of the ghosts left him so weak. 

The relief rolled over Lan Xichen like tidal waves when Jiang Wanyin recognised him that he couldn’t stop the tears from dampening his own cheeks. He leaned down to kiss his forehead, temple, and cheek in a fervent manner. “It’s me; it’s me.” He chanted, profusely thanking heaven for allowing Jiang Wanyin to know he was here. He never realised how terrifying it was to touch Jiang Wanyin without his consent until he was given one. “I’m here, darling, I’m here.”

“What happened?” Jiang Wanyin struggled with the words, breathless from the pain clawing within him.

“Your core is dying and our usual Qi transferral method is not working. I found you unconscious on the floor. You scared me witless.” Lan Xichen swallowed hard. Panic made him stumble on his words. “Wanyin, you need dual cultivation.”

Jiang Wanyin’s breaths were rapid and shuddering. His skin felt so cold in acute trepidation. “Dual-dual cultivation?”

The fear on Jiang Wanyin’s face was so transparent and it made Lan Xichen’s heart bleed even more. He never wanted to see that ever again—not from Jiang Wanyin and certainly not because of him. “I can help you. I can try to revive and regulate your core once again but I need you to give me your trust,” Lan Xichen pleaded. 

Jiang Wanyin squeezed his eyes close as he fought the resurfacing anxiety. For almost twenty years, he was trapped in the dungeon with the ghosts of Wen Zhuliu and Wen Chao. The trauma chained him to the past that he couldn’t escape from, to the point where he abhorred touches. But this was Lan Xichen, the man that he had loved for years. Lan Xichen wasn’t a stranger, not by the longest shot. He was the gentlest man Jiang Wanyin had ever known.

He was Jiang Wanyin’s husband.

Jiang Wanyin was sick of being trapped by the memory of the past. With his mind made up, Jiang Wanyin slowly opened his eyes—violet eyes to meet the dark amber eyes. He swallowed hard, summoning the courage to allow the act that he had violently avoided his whole life. 

“Please trust me, Wanyin.” Lan Xichen begged again. “I would never, could never, hurt you. You have nothing to fear from my touch or my words.”

And really, Jiang Wanyin couldn’t even deny Lan Xichen anything. He never could. If trust was what Lan Xichen was asking from him, Jiang Wanyin would certainly give it to him. Months of being married to him had shown Jiang Wanyin that Lan Xichen was worthy of it.

“Yes,” he whispered. 

Lan Xichen let out a relieved sigh. The burden was immediately lifted because, if Jiang Wanyin granted his permission, he would not hate Lan Xichen for what he was about to do. Lan Xichen hadn’t broken his trust. So he leaned down to kiss Jiang Wanyin’s chapped, dry lips. They felt cold against his own, shaky from the overwhelming pain. Lan Xichen understood that there would be no time for foreplay, as there would be no pleasure for him to offer, especially with Jiang Wanyin in such a state. He would just have to get on with it. He hastily loosened his pants and reached out for the jar of slippery ointment. Then, he slowly spread Jiang Wanyin’s long, silky legs apart before he slathered the lubricant on his own fingers.

His fingers quickly found the tightly curled bud and gently circled his fingertips at the rim. Jiang Wanyin softly gasped, prompting Lan Xichen to dart his eyes towards Jiang Wanyin's face. He had almost smiled adoringly when he saw the shock in his husband’s eyes with the silence, scandalised and accusing, ‘It goes in there, really?!’ indignant on his face. Apprehension dawned on Jiang Wanyin’s face once again. The novelty of the whole thing felt so overwhelming for him. It was terrifying to delve into the unknown.

“I won’t hurt you,” Lan Xichen promised once again. “I need you to relax. Don’t strain yourself. Just let me do all the work. All you have to do is hold on.”

Hold on to what? Jiang Wanyin thought.

The confusion on Jiang Wanyin’s face must have been apparent to Lan Xichen. The larger man raised his other hand to caress his husband’s pale face to explain. “You have no qi at all. Your core is not working. When we dual cultivate, what I’m doing is that I’m attempting to transfer my qi directly into your core instead of meridian lines—through here.” Lan Xichen pressed into Jiang Wanyin’s entrance to emphasise his point and it made the smaller man startle slightly. “I may have to do it several times, but, Wanyin, throughout the session, you must hold all of my transference in you. No matter how it feels to you, you must not release any of it until your core restarts. If you do not, it will all be for naught.” He explained gently, not wanting to shock his inexperienced husband with explicit words.

It took several moments for Jiang Wanyin to really understand Lan Xichen’s words and when it did, embarrassment flared throughout his body. He bit his lips. Of all the possible mechanisms of dual cultivation between men he had imagined could be, he hadn’t imagined this. And yet, now that he knew, Jiang Wanyin realised that it was the most logical way, considering where the golden core was. It was logical and it was necessary, but it didn’t take away the fear from him. The possible further pain, on top of the one that was already wrecking his body, was daunting. Because it sounded like it would hurt. Still, Jiang Wanyin trusted his husband more than he feared, so he gave the tall man a shaky nod.

Lan Xichen had been worried about whether he, himself, could get hard. His mind wasn’t on the thrill of dual cultivation with the man he loved, but instead was filled with panic and anxiety that hadn’t abated since the moment he found Jiang Wanyin sprawled unconscious on the floor that morning. But he was sorely mistaken. One look at Jiang Wanyin’s faintly flushed cheeks and the length of tightly curled muscles on his naked body—pale, smooth, and trembling—made Lan Xichen feel his own heart begin to thunder in need. And the tentative nod given by Jiang Wanyin was the spark needed to enflame his passion.

His husband was alluring. He was the siren that kept drawing Lan Xichen close to him. Lan Xichen would always want Jiang Wanyin in any state that he was in. 

“There is so much I want to show you, Wanyin,” Lan Xichen murmured. His fingers rubbed gently at the edge of the entrance, spreading the slick and softening the rigid muscles. “There are so many ways I want to make love to you.” Jiang Wanyin looked at Lan Xichen under his lashes, so trusting despite everything that had happened, and just like that, Lan Xichen felt blood rush to fill his own length. It wasn’t just the arousal that fed the fire within him; it was also the all-consuming love for his husband, who had been abused and hurt so many times and still found the courage to trust.

“If we had the time and space, I would make you come undone so many times until you would plead for me.” Lan Xichen’s finger finally slipped into the tight heat and he swallowed hard at the way Jiang Wanyin jerked and shuddered at the feeling of being intruded on by just one finger. He plunged in before withdrawing and plunging it deeper. He repeated his actions until the rim loosened up steadily. It felt so impossibly tight and small that for a second of doubt, Lan Xichen wondered whether he could fit his own massive girth. Lust filled his mouth like gnawing hunger. He persisted—pressing and pushing and twisting—until a few moments later, he slid in the second finger alongside the first one. His heart thundered at the sound of punching gasps Jiang Wanyin gave him at the increased pressure and also at the sight of the tiny hole stretched around his fingers—pink and glistening.

Lan Xichen kept his eyes on Jiang Wanyin’s face intensely, studying every flash of expression that passed by. He wasn't expecting Jiang Wanyin to find pleasure in this, but he would be damned if he ever caused Jiang Wanyin more pain. For him to fit in, he would need more than just two fingers, or even three. “Wanyin–” Jiang Wanyin turned his foggy eyes to Lan Xichen, so lost in the contradictory feelings of vicious pain from his core and of distracting pressure from Lan Xichen’s fingers deep within him. “Alright?” Lan Xichen asked quietly.

Jiang Wanyin nodded. The intrusion felt such that his tight throat couldn’t offer any words.

“I am going to try to fit four of my fingers so I won’t hurt you when we dual cultivate,” Lan Xichen explained. “But my fingers can only go so far. You are still going to feel some pressure when I go in deeper. Anytime you want me to pause, all you need to do is tell me.” 

Four fingers?! The smaller man swallowed hard, nervous, as understanding dawned on his face. He lowered his eyes to where Lan Xichen’s cock resided and his mouth dropped open in shock at the sheer size of it. “Fuck…” Jiang Wanyin whispered, eyes dazed and lips parted. How would it ever fit? He thought hysterically. Surely this was an impossibility in the first place? It wasn’t just the length of it but also the girth. He wasn’t sure if he could circle one hand around it easily. Seeing Lan Xichen’s rigid cock beside his own soft one was daunting because the sheer size difference between them was undeniably stark.

The display of innocence was too much for Lan Xichen, as he could feel him hardening even more. He wanted to make this man his in every way he was allowed to. “I would never hurt you; you do know that, right?” He asked, pleading once more, hating to see the sliver of fear on Jiang Wanyin’s face. He never wanted Jiang Wanyin fear; only his love, trust and pleasure for the rest of their lives.

The violet eyes met his own once again as he allowed his trust to come forth. “I know, Xichen-ge. I trust you; I always do.”

Lan Xichen groaned as the last of his own doubt washed off. He surged upwards to kiss Jiang Wanyin as if it were he who was drowning, as if it were he who was being saved. As he kissed his opened mouth, wet, greedy and dirty, he fucked in three fingers, spreading them out to loosen Jiang Wanyin further. He relished the gasps Jiang Wanyin gave him as he twisted his fingers, searching for the spot that could make his husband forget the discomfort and pain he was feeling right now. 

The sudden electricity that shot through Jiang Wanyin’s body left him breathless. The acute sensation made his core burn brightly and made him scream against Lan Xichen’s lips in surprise. Lan Xichen touched it again, harder in tapping motions and it made the sensation intensify to the extent Jiang Wanyin had to tear his lips away from Lan Xichen to moan loudly. Then he felt Lan Xichen pull out his fingers and plunge back in with four fingers, making him feel full and stretched. His heartbeats ran fast, his eyes squeezed shut, his fingers buried in the sheets and when Lan Xichen pressed that spot again and rubbed it in a circular motion, the pain and pleasure burst in his gut like an explosion. In the muted distance, he felt something wet pool on his stomach.

Lan Xichen was so turned on. He hadn’t expected Jiang Wanyin to feel any pleasure, not when the core was clawing along his meridian lines like acid. But he was doing something right, apparently, because his husband’s cock was no longer soft. It was now hard, flushed pink, curved, and so very pretty as it leaked dainty precums onto his flat belly. Sheens of sweat glistened on the pale skin and breathless sighs were muffled. Jiang Wanyin looked so overwhelmed by the sensation given by mere fingers that Lan Xichen knew that in normal circumstances, the younger man could most certainly come untouched.

“I think you’re ready,” Lan Xichen stated breathlessly.

Jiang Wanyin could only moan in return. He didn’t know where the pain started or where the pressure feeling ended. 

Lan Xichen grabbed another pillow and pushed it under Jiang Wanyin’s hip, allowing the legs to spread even further apart as the hips were raised for Lan Xichen to see the tempting, gaping hole—so loose and ready for him. He squeezed tight the base of his own hardness, not wanting for him to come from the sight. The desire to put his mouth there and nibble at the edge of the rim was too much but it was not the right time. He reminded himself once again of the main reason they were doing this. “Take a deep breath, darling,” he said instead.

He kept his eyes carefully on his husband’s face as he slowly drove his massive hardness into the depths, inch by inch, looking for any sign of pain from his action. But Jiang Wanyin’s silken wall was so tight and too hot that Lan Xichen had to eventually shut his eyes and grip his hands into fists as he moaned softly at the pleasure that encased him. He didn’t see the way Jiang Wanyin threw his head back as he arched his back against the overwhelming feeling of being penetrated by something so large so slowly.

His wall was being stretched to its limit, pressing acutely against the spot that drove Jiang Wanyin almost into delirium. There was no escaping the electric feeling and it was making Jiang Wanyin’s head lightheaded. The feeling was making his golden core burn, as if it were trying to reignite itself from its dead state. He could feel his meridian lines burning as well as qi rushing along them like a river being released from the dam. 

Was this how dual cultivation felt like? He thought breathlessly. The fullness he felt and the pleasure pouring over his nerves were utterly maddening. They slowly eclipsed the pain that was conversing through his meridian lines. To think Lan Xichen had barely even begun…

When Lan Xichen was finally buried deep to the hilt, he opened his eyes to the sight of Jiang Wanyin’s hazy eyes looking up to the ceiling, so immersed in the feeling of being full. His pink lips were parted as short, sharp breaths rushed out. There was a spreading flush painted over his pale cheeks. His hands were raised to grip at the pillow underneath his head; the knuckles were white. Lust filled Lan Xichen like wildfire in the summer. His husband was present with him, reveling in the pleasure he provided. He didn’t hurt him. The realisation spurred Lan Xichen on and he gave the gentle first move, taking his hardness out and then pushing it back in.

Jiang Wanyin gasped loudly as his spot was being scraped and pressed. “Ah!” He moaned, turning his head aside, baring his throat.

There was no pain; thank heaven, Lan Xichen thought. Then he bared his teeth in lust and love and he raised Jiang Wanyin’s legs to drape over his broad shoulders, raising the hips slightly to meet his thrusts. Lan Xichen leaned forward, bracing his arms on both sides of Jiang Wanyin’s face and looming over the dazed man. Then, he allowed his hips to roll gently, starting with a tentative drill on the spot with dead accuracy.

Jiang Wanyin's single gasp transformed into a series of breathless moans, "Ah! Ah! Ah!" each time Lan Xichen plunged into the hot depths, driving him insane with need. Once he deemed Jiang Wanyin was relaxed enough, he began to piston with more speed and force.

If it were ordinary lovemaking, Lan Xichen would have already made Jiang Wanyin come with his hands and mouth many times before this act, taking their own sweet time to map every inch of their bodies. He would take note of every scar and the stories behind them. He would trace every mole with his lips, breathe in the scent of lotuses in summer on the satiny skin and make the smaller man laugh again and again until he would forget the agony he had been through under the cruel hands of the Wen. He would make Jiang Wanyin yearn for him and him alone, until there were no other touches left for them to remember except their own.

But this was Lan Xichen trying to save Jiang Wanyin. It was so they could have the chance to do all of that in the future. This was not making love; this was solely a dual cultivation and there was no time for Lan Xichen to do all that. There was only methodical fucking until Jiang Wanyin’s core was resurrected.

And he did just that.

As he plundered his husband, he took care to regulate his own qi, steadily transferring it through their intimate joining. He watched Jiang Wanyin gasp from the sudden influx and he could feel the rush of the qi along his husband’s meridian lines. The writhing body beneath him shuddered as the core burned in its attempt to churn out qi once again. The feeling must have been intense because Jiang Wanyin was in an indecisive state to either push him away or to pull him close; his face twisted as Lan Xichen’s qi flowed in and repaired the damage in the shrivelled meridian lines.

“Xi- Xichen!” Jiang Wanyin cried as Lan Xichen quickened his pounding. “I- I can’t!” The sensation was so overwhelming; he felt like he was losing his mind. The huge pulsing from beneath his navel created an increasing pressure from within; it burned frozen at the tips of his nerves as Lan Xichen’s icy Qi slithered throughout his body like a mongoose searching for its prey. The cold was unbearable, the pain sliced through his skin like a knife, and the weight of the exploding foreign qi was robbing him of his breath. Jiang Wanyin was drawing short breaths, fists curled to brace the pain and his chest heaved like he was dying.

“Yes, you can, sweetheart,” Lan Xichen insisted. “Hold on for me.”

Two years of living the half-life. Two years of letting his core die slowly; of letting his meridian line dry up. The sudden rush of Lan Xichen’s ice-cold qi made everything feel too much—too soon—like snow on dried, burned skin. The initial pure pleasure he felt before faded. Now there was pain mixed in confusingly. This was nothing like the normal Qi transferral Lan Xichen often gave him. It was like comparing swimming in a calm stream to being swept by a rushing river in the summer. The intensity was breath-taking. The force of it felt like a slap across his face and punches on his body. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he sank his nails deeper into Lan Xichen’s back, drawing beads of blood on ivory canvass.

Lan Xichen allowed the pain inflicted on him because he would do anything to make this bearable for Jiang Wanyin. He could only imagine how it felt to be bombarded with foreign qi inside an empty core. He placed his fingers on the meridian point to monitor the qi within Jiang Wanyin, making sure he was doing it right and was careful not to pour too much of his volatile qi into the fragile core of his husband. What he had given so far was nowhere near enough and Lan Xichen was approaching his peak, but he figured it was to be expected. He knew he needed to do this several times. Without a warning, he came deep into Jiang Wanyin, pulsing and huge. He heard Jiang Wanyin shout in surprise and he felt Jiang Wanyin’s core stuttered weakly at the first rush of pure energy being fed directly into it, struggling to take it all.

Again. Lan Xichen gritted his teeth at the way Jiang Wanyin’s wall was milking his length; sweat fell from his forehead to blend with Jiang Wanyin’s. This is not enough. I need to do it again.

There was no time for rest. Lan Xichen didn’t withdraw himself after he was spent. Instead, he took a deep breath, rearranging his qi and core. He used his latent rage towards the ghost of Jin Guangyao and his guilt for Da-ge to fuel his core to create an abnormally overflowing qi. Then he expertly cycled it throughout his meridian lines. Within minutes, he manipulated his qi to make himself hard once again. His face was flushed pink and perspiration slicked his skin. His heart was racing, pounding hard from the forced erection. For the first time, he was grateful for his bursting qi because it allowed him to do this. Before the overabundant qi was killing him—leading him towards qi deviation—now the affliction was helping him to save his husband.

This act of giving to Jiang Wanyin was also saving him. Instead of driving him towards qi-deviation, the corrupted qi from his fury of his naivety was being syphoned off by Jiang Wanyin to feed his own empty core. The transference was smooth for Lan Xichen’s part, like it was always meant to be. Marriage of convenience, indeed… Lan Xichen thought, silently marvelling at the ease of controlling the previously uncontrollable. This was what their marriage was for. The love that Lan Xichen bore towards Jiang Wanyin was never supposed to be a part of the bargain.

Jiang Wanyin gasped, shocked, when he felt Lan Xichen grow larger—so soon that it was inconceivable—within him that he swore he could feel the tip was creating a bulge on his stomach. “Xi-Xichen!!! God! God!” He panted as his sensitive spot was pressed insistently. His own red-hard cock was quivering at the acute sensation. He didn’t know what he was feeling as pain and pleasure were intimately intertwined but he knew—impossibly—that he was about two seconds from coming.

Lan Xichen saw it. From the subtle arch of Jiang Wanyin’s back to the curls of his husband’s toe, he saw it all. Instantly, he reached downwards to curl a fist around Jiang Wanyin’s cock to stop the impending orgasm. “No, Wanyin, no!” He said it sharply. His heart bled when Jiang Wanyin thrashed at the aborted peak; tears streamed down his temple at the overwhelming sensation.

“Xichen! Please!” Jiang Wanyin cried. “Please!!!” The sensation was driving him out of his mind.

“Hold on! You promised me that you would hold it in you!” Lan Xichen growled. “Your core is resetting itself. This is working!”

Jiang Wanyin sobbed wildly. He had never felt like this ever in his life. It was as if every nerve in the skin was burning and freezing at the same time. How could anybody feel this and still remain sane?!

“Again, sweetheart,” Lan Xichen said softly as he leaned down to shower comforting kisses to make up for his anger previously. He felt Jiang Wanyin shake his head in refusal. He could taste fear on his husband’s skin and inside, Lan Xichen wept because he never wanted Jiang Wanyin’s fear to be directed at him. “Yes, again,” he insisted; tears thickened his voice. “You’re the strongest and the bravest man I’ve ever met. I know you can do it.”

Without waiting for Jiang Wanyin’s reply, Lan Xichen raised the smaller man’s legs higher to rest on his shoulders, keeping them widely spread and began rolling his hips, drilling deeper into the hot depth. He kept his fist tight around the base of Jiang Wanyin’s cock to prevent him from coming carefully, knowing how sensitive his husband was right now. Each roll of his hips led to Jiang Wanyin’s breath to hitch as he cried in painful overstimulation. If Lan Xichen could fuck him without pressing against his prostate, he would. But his length and girth didn’t allow for it.

The bedsheets underneath them were drenched with sweat, tears and oil. Outside, the air was freezing, as it usually was on the Gusu mountains, but within the space of Hanshi—the space of their bed—the air was humid and warm with lust, pain and pleasure. Lan Xichen repeated the whole thing as he fucked into his husband. His core was bursting and overflowing, and he ruthlessly used it to feed into his husband’s core, very much like blowing air into the ember with hope to make it bigger. His eyes traced Jiang Wanyin’s skin as if he could see his qi flowing within, repairing all the broken, dying meridian lines. He knew it was working because Jiang Wanyin was once again throwing his head back, sobbing and writhing, as his inside was healing so forcefully and swiftly.

It was unnatural but necessary. Lan Xichen was in the race against time to save Jiang Wanyin.

His hips were no longer rolling gently. Lan Xichen once again abandoned the slow movement to thrust faster. Each thrust scrapped and bumped against Jiang Wanyin’s spot, making the intense sensation increase exponentially. By now, Jiang Wanyin was wailing, writhing and clawing red streaks across Lan Xichen’s back, while Lan Xichen’s hand smoothed down and up along his flanks in a useless attempt of comfort and the other hand kept its tight grip on the cock.

“I can’t—” Jiang Wanyin begged. “No more, please, no more…”

“I know, darling, I know…” Lan Xichen crooned. “Hold on. Just hold on…”

He allowed a few more thrusts until the shrivelled lines were healed and qi flowed—finally—unobstructive. He pounded until he felt Jiang Wanyin’s core was able to receive and retain more of his icy qi. He knew that the core was finally primed to receive a second influx of energy. So, he allowed himself to come within; the energy that came with the orgasm was the firework to burst Jiang Wanyin’s core back to life. His husband was almost inconsolable at the acute sensation.

Lan Xichen murmured comforting words and praises into Jiang Wanyin’s ear as they both waited for the rush of the qi transferral to subside, until the thundering beats of their hearts slowed down. Jiang Wanyin’s pale cheeks flushed bright red as cold sweat and tears stained down from his temples down to his jaw. Whatever Jiang Wanyin was feeling, it must have been so intense. He wished to bear even the barest amount of pain for him but he couldn’t. Pain was part of the ordeal.

“Wanyin, Wanyin,” Lan Xichen called softly as he kissed Jiang Wanyin’s forehead, nose and cheeks. “How do you feel?”

Jiang Wanyin had long lost the sense of time. Air seemed limited around him. He felt as if he had run a hundred miles nonstop. “It hurts…” Jiang Wanyin whispered breathlessly. “God, how it hurts… And my core still feels like a rock… I thought this was supposed to help me.” Fear filled in the huge amethyst eyes because if dual cultivation couldn’t help him, did that mean Lan Xichen married him for nothing?

Lan Xichen shook his head hard. “No, no. It did help you. Can’t you feel your own qi in your body?” 

Jiang Wanyin frowned and then closed his eyes as he tried to find the long-missed but familiar fiery qi amidst Lan Xichen’s cold one. It took a while but he could feel it—so miniscule, but it was there. It means his dead core was finally revived.

“Oh,” he marvelled. He hadn’t thought it would be possible.

Throughout the session, all he knew was a long string of acute pain/pleasure sensations that were overloading his brain. He was attempting to scramble away from the source of such feelings but was unable to because Lan Xichen would not let him go. When he felt the hot seed gushing into him the second time, the core within him burned like a morning sunrise after a long winter night—small, unassuming but so very much unadulterated. The core was finally reignited, slowly and weakly. For years he was running empty. To finally feel a bit of sustenance in his hollow gut was like a blind man being to see again.

The feeling was devastating. He wondered how he had let himself run empty for so long. A cultivator without a core was unspeakably tragic.

“But I need to do it again, Wanyin, soon.” Lan Xichen spoke, breaking the mild sense of victory.

Jiang Wanyin looked back at his husband in steep trepidation. “How soon?” He croaked nervously because the pain of being denied release was terrible.

Lan Xichen smiled weakly, trying to be comforting. “We can do it now. I can exploit my qi to make me hard in a second.” And he proved his words by churning more of his abundant qi to make himself hard for the third time in an hour. Since he was still buried in Jiang Wanyin, the young sect leader could certainly feel the organ growing big and long. Within seconds, Jiang Wanyin had his head thrown back in sharp gasps as his spot was being pressed again.

“F-fuck!” Jiang Wanyin yelped. The size of Lan Xichen’s cock was intensely unreal. His own cock quivered as it rushed towards the peak and he cried once again when Lan Xichen tightened his fist around his cock, almost warningly, aborting the orgasm. Again.

“Wanyin.” The word uttered was dark and deep. It was an admonishment.

He knew he wasn’t supposed to come, and it was so very close, but—"I can’t help it." Jiang Wanyin stuttered breathlessly, his eyes turning glassy. “—there’s a spot in me that keeps pushing me to the brink and—and you kept pressing against it!” The tone was accusing.

Lan Xichen blinked in surprise. It sounded like Jiang Wanyin didn’t know about prostate at all.

“If—if you don’t want me to come, stop doing it!”

The older sect leader was torn between groaning in rising lust at the display of his husband’s innocence or smiling in amusement. Because it was adorable to know Jiang Wanyin was sensitive enough to be able to come solely from his ass. The rush of fondness welled within Lan Xichen and it spurred him to lean down to kiss Jiang Wanyin hard and hungry. The bursting core within him agreed with his sentiment and once again, Lan Xichen was ready to feed his husband more of his seeds and energy.

With his fist retained its cage around Jiang Wanyin’s cock and his mouth devouring Jiang Wanyin’s mouth, Lan Xichen rolled and swayed his hips, plunging deep and fast within him. All the cries and sobs from Jiang Wanyin were muffled by the all-consuming kiss, with Lan Xichen’s tongue plundered into his mouth in the same movement as the cock thrusting in his depth. This time around, the pain was lesser as his core was slowly mending itself. This time, his core was revived enough to receive Lan Xichen’s energy at a controlled pace rather than the rush onslaught like the previous two times. This time, Jiang Wanyin pushed aside the fear encompassing him since the moment he had awakened and began participating in his own healing, assisting Lan Xichen to repair his own meridian line more and more, this time with his own qi, familiarising himself with the sensation of his husband’s healing qi in his core and his body.

When Lan Xichen felt his qi being coaxed and directed to the damaged area by Jiang Wanyin’s qi, he almost cried in utmost reprieve. It told Lan Xichen that Jiang Wanyin’s core was mended well enough for Jiang Wanyin to circulate the qi within his own body by himself. It also told Lan Xichen that the core was now finally able to generate its own qi—albeit slowly.

He raised his lips from Jiang Wanyin’s bruised one to murmur, “I can feel you pulling my qi into you. I can feel your fiery qi alongside my own.” Wonder filled the words. The valour of Jiang Wanyin of Yunmeng Jiang Sect had never ceased to amaze Lan Xichen.

Jiang Wanyin panted from Lan Xichen’s ceaseless thrusts. “I—I can’t let you do all the—the works.”

Lan Xichen smiled widely at the returned sassiness in his husband’s words. Gone was the terrified man from before. This was the man he longed for. This was the man Lan Xichen pledged his life for. A man so broken from the trauma and yet still bore enough courage to keep walking. 

“Mmm…” Lan Xichen said indulgently, his hips rolling sensuously with his rising lust. “I think after this time, I want to fuck you to completion.”

Jiang Wanyin’s breaths halted at the thought of being given an opportunity to come. “But—you said I have to hold on…”

Lan Xichen pressed a long trail of kisses from his temple down to the slender neck, spoiling himself to leave one dark bruise on Jiang Wanyin’s neck. “And you did, sweetheart. Your core is revived well enough and I think you would benefit from the release of your own qi created by your core. All you need is to hold on one more time and then I will give you the peak of your life.” Lan Xichen raised a languid gaze to meet Jiang Wanyin, his lips curving up into a dark possessive grin. “Do you think you can do that? For me?”

The shudder that passed through Jiang Wanyin’s body had less to do with the plunging of Lan Xichen’s cock within him but more to do with the soft, dominating way Lan Xichen played with his words and touches. Jiang Wanyin decidedly loved the self-assured, possessive and happy Lan Xichen more than the distressed one. He never wanted to make Lan Xichen that unhappy ever again. And if Lan Xichen wanted him to hold on for one more time, no matter how much it would hurt to be denied for the third time, he would do it. For him.

So, he nodded his head and then gasped when Lan Xichen quickened his pace into purposeful hard thrusts. His legs, that were braced on Lan Xichen’s arms, were so strained with pain and pleasure that it made his toes curled in an overloaded sensation. Once again, Lan Xichen manipulated his ice-blue qi to repair the rest of the meridian lines and to feed more and more of his excess, frothing qi into Jiang Wanyin’s core. The mended core took in Lan Xichen’s qi, flourished in it, and burned brighter and stronger that it took Jiang Wanyin’s breath away. He felt swarmed; he felt stuffed; he felt so, so alive. On his finger, Zidian began to brighten with a dark purple aura, in response to his own bursting qi.

Lan Xichen felt completion approaching him. The cock within his grasp quivered with impending orgasm. How he wished to give it to his husband. The red flush colour of the organ showed how painful it was for Jiang Wanyin. But he hardened his heart for the last time. After this, Lan Xichen would rock Jiang Wanyin to many peaks until the man would pass out from too much pleasure and never again from too much pain.

“One last time, Wanyin,” he murmured. His hips pistoned fiercely in tandem with the sobs escaping from Jiang Wanyin’s lips. “Hold on.”

He came with another rush of seeds and energy and Jiang Wanyin arched his back, screaming in sensory overload when he felt Lan Xichen tighten his grip on his cock, aborting the orgasm again. The third load of energy was a spoonful too much for the already sated hunger. Jiang Wanyin felt an energy bubble on the surface of his skin. Zidian burned brightly on his finger, sizzling purple lightning on Lan Xichen’s forearm where Jiang Wanyin was currently, leaving bruises on with his deathly grip. The rushing qi put flush on Jiang Wanyin’s perpetual sallow skin; it was the vision of health that was missing for the last two years.

Jiang Wanyin was finally being brought back to life.

Tears of gratitude burned at the edge of his eyes, and he had to close them to stave the tears off. But it was too much that it spilt over down to his temples and cheeks.

“Wanyin?”

The frantic concern in Lan Xichen’s tone only intensified the emotion flooding within him. Jiang Wanyin reached up to wrap his arms around Lan Xichen’s neck and pulled the bigger man down to him as he hid his face in the contour of Lan Xichen’s shoulder. Gently he shook his head, rivulets of tears still tracking down his face. “I’m okay, I’m alright…”

“Was the pain too much?” Lan Xichen still fretted.

“No—no… I just—” Jiang Wanyin’s breath hitched. The gratitude and love he felt for this man was terrifying. “Thank you.”

Lan Xichen went perfectly still at those words.

The arms around Lan Xichen tightened as if Jiang Wanyin couldn’t bear letting him go just yet. “A year ago, I was resigned,” Jiang Wanyin said softly, words nearly muffled from his hiding spot on Lan Xichen’s shoulder. “I was resigned to live the last moments of my life in debilitating pain, surrounded by people but so alone.”

“Oh… Wanyin,” Lan Xichen murmured.

Jiang Wanyin shook his head, wanting to bare his soul to the man who had given him everything. “I had everything planned leading to my inevitable demise. A successor, written wills and a place where they would bury me. Then you and Shufu came up with the most outrageous proposal. I accepted it with no expectation to be healed but I couldn’t resist the last attempt to save myself. Only I didn’t expect you. You gave me a sliver of hope when I had been living with none. You gave me purpose—to be helpful for you—when I had been living aimlessly. You gave me companionship that soothed my anxiety towards solitude.”

He raised his head from the hiding place and lifted his eyes to meet Lan Xichen’s liquid honey eyes—dark with wonder and affection—at Jiang Wanyin’s unexpected soul-baring words. Jiang Wanyin curved up a small smile as his fingers traced the contour of Lan Xichen’s face. His eyes were heavy, and emotions shone so brightly and honestly that Lan Xichen’s heart thundered at the clear look of fondness from Jiang Wanyin.

Lan Xichen knew in that instant that it was not just the gratitude threaded in Jiang Wanyin’s words. It was more than a simple camaraderie love between two friends; more than a simple comfort between two partners in an impossible situation; more than a pair of people owing favours and assistance. The emotion on Jiang Wanyin’s face was a love shared between lovers.

He felt the earth beneath him give away. He felt the air rush into his lungs in deep shock. He felt his heart grow and expand with deep, abiding disbelief and love—oh, so much love—for the smaller man lying beneath him. Because Lan Xichen was hoping for forgiveness for his trespassing on Jiang Wanyin’s trust after everything was said and done, and yet here he was, being gifted with the reciprocal of his own feelings. Here he was, being offered Jiang Wanyin’s love.

How did he ever get so blessed?

Unaware of the frantic rumination in Lan Xichen’s head, Jiang Wanyin whispered, “You have no idea how much you’ve given me, Lan Xichen…” The softness on Jiang Wanyin’s face was like a dream. Lan Xichen could hardly take another breath at the absolute ethereal loveliness spread so generously before him.

“Wanyin… My Wanyin,” Lan Xichen growled possessively. He wanted to keep this fantastical man within the cage of his embrace for the rest of their lives. He would give Jiang Wanyin everything the man ever demanded from him and more. There would be nothing for Jiang Wanyin to find them to be lacking in anyway. “There’s so much more I can give to you, if only you would allow my affection to smother you.”

Jiang Wanyin’s cheeks rushed red at Lan Xichen’s words. Even if the most Lan Xichen ever felt for him was the affection and generosity of a friend, Jiang Wanyin would take it all. But under the intense glare of Lan Xichen’s emotions, Jiang Wanyin wondered whether his feelings were reciprocated after all. Driven by the urge to touch his husband, Jiang Wanyin’s hands slid down from Lan Xichen’s cheeks to cradle the sharp jaw. His fingers splayed wide before tentatively pulling Lan Xichen’s down to him, initiating the kiss between them for the first time.

Lan Xichen could hardly believe it. He had dreamed about this for months but never dared to see it in reality. He dreamed of being the cure of Jiang Wanyin’s aversion to proximity, that the man would finally trust him deep enough to believe Lan Xichen’s touches would never give him pain. He had thought that dream was shattered. Since the start of this dual cultivation, Lan Xichen had been giving Jiang Wanyin nothing but pain and more pain. Surely, Jiang Wanyin would want nothing to do with him ever again.

But the first touch of his lips onto Jiang Wanyin’s was not a dream. There was no way Lan Xichen could ever dream of the sensuous way Jiang Wanyin moved his lips against him—so tentative, so uncertain but so full of yearning—or could he ever dream of the way Jiang Wanyin’s callous palms pressing against the base of his skull, pulling him closer and deeper into the kiss.

“Xichen-ge…” Jiang Wanyin murmured against his lips. “Kiss me like you did before. Show me how it’s done.”

Those words were the fire that engulfed him. Lan Xichen growled like a beast; the possessive love that was the curse of a Lan burned him alive. He slid his large hand behind Jiang Wanyin’s head, tilting it slightly sideways to allow his mouth to slot in perfectly into Jiang Wanyin’s. He kissed with such ferocity and hunger as if he hadn’t already come three times in the last hour. He nibbled on the lips, pulling the tongue into his mouth, sucking and biting and licking. Under him, Jiang Wanyin was soft and open and so very willing. There was no trace of fear in the air. No tears nor pain. It was just the sound of moans, harsh breaths and frantic touches.

Lan Xichen kissed until they had to pull away for breath. Then he dove in once again, allowing the kiss to grow heavier and hungrier than the last. The revelation that Jiang Wanyin loved him back was the heaviest drug. And the realisation that Jiang Wanyin trusted him was the wine that made him drunk. When he had deemed Jiang Wanyin’s lips to be properly ravished, he moved downwards to pepper bites and kisses along the pale trail of his husband’s neck, until he found the perfect sensitive spot for him to suck a deep purple bruise. He felt Jiang Wanyin gasp and squirm as he obsessed over the bitemark and it only fuelled the beast within him.

Now that the pain of dying core was gone, every single touch from Lan Xichen burned a different kind of sensation on his nerves. Pleasure racked his form. His core pulsed out a short burst of qi in anticipation of another release of qi from his cultivation partner. There was simply no more pain. Jiang Wanyin stared up to the ceiling; tears burned again at his eyes. Gratitude and love swirled within him until he felt his own cock harden at the pure need for his husband’s touch.

It was then Jiang Wanyin realised that Lan Xichen was still buried within him and that he was utterly naked while Lan Xichen was still fully clothed. Brilliant blushes were painted on his pale cheeks, neck and chest. He quickly turned his face away. “Why are you not bared like me?”

Lan Xichen raised his head as he blinked down at Jiang Wanyin. Seeing the hard cock and red cheeks was erotic enough that Lan Xichen could feel his core churn the excess qi and his own cock rise in response. “Would Wanyin want me to be as unclothed as him?” He couldn’t help but tease.

Jiang Wanyin impossibly turned redder.

“Mmm,” Lan Xichen grinned knowingly. Gently he withdrew himself; Jiang Wanyin hissed at the sudden emptiness he felt, and Lan Xichen knelt in between the spread legs. “Look at me, sweetheart,” he implored with his deep voice.

The voice sounded smooth and smoky like late autumn and it made Jiang Wanyin’s heart skip a beat. He turned and glanced at Lan Xichen. The sight that greeted him had him inhaled sharply. Lan Xichen kept his intense eyes on Jiang Wanyin, open and unashamed, as he slowly took off his own clothes. It started with the thin inner robe. Lan Xichen undid the sash that held the clothes and the robe fell down his broad shoulder, down to the powerful biceps and forearms. The smooth, jade-like skin made its appearance, making Lan Xichen look like a slab of marble carved into a statue of a deity. Jiang Wanyin let out a shuddering breath, feeling attraction consume him like a thick fog, because how could anyone look this beautiful and be real? How was it possible that Lan Xichen was his? 

With a knowing smile still on his face, Lan Xichen dropped his hands down to the edge of his pants drawstrings, hooking his fingers to push the flimsy inner pant down to reveal the deep V at the hipbone. Then it went over the curved bottom—Jiang Wanyin’s mouth unconsciously parted in awe—down to the corded thighs before Lan Xichen tossed his pants and robes off the bed. 

“Like this?” He murmured. “Did I please you, darling?”

Jiang Wanyin swallowed hard at the first sight of seeing Lan Xichen uncovered as he gave a tentative nod. The heavy robes he wore all day had hidden the powerful, muscular body underneath. His hands instinctively rose with the desire to touch that broad chest, wondering whether Lan Xichen would feel as cold as the jade it appeared to be.

“Touch me.” 

The violet eyes flew upwards to Lan Xichen’s dark visage at the order. There was a barely-controlled intensity in the face and words, like Lan Xichen was yearning for Jiang Wanyin’s touches on him too. Just like Jiang Wanyin yearned to touch him. From where he was lying, Lan Xichen leaned forward until he hovered over Jiang Wanyin.

The trembling fingers, still so exhausted from his ordeal, were gently placed on Lan Xichen’s chest and neck. Instead of the cold hardness he had expected, Jiang Wanyin discovered smooth warmth and softness. “You are so beautiful…” Jiang Wanyin whispered reverently, allowing them to smooth over the skin to find it terribly attractive. For the first time since they had started dual cultivation, he began to take in the scent of sandalwood and wildflowers that he already associated with the presence of his husband; it was the scent of kindness, gentleness and ever-flowing patience. Of security and home. Jiang Wanyin let out a shaky breath as he murmured, “...so warm and smooth…”

Lan Xichen’s lips stretched wide into a wide smile at those words; his heart was so impossibly full of love and happiness. Just like that, all the tears he had shed out of the fear of losing Jiang Wanyin that morning were forgotten, instantly healed by his husband’s honest words and stark affection. Maybe the love Jiang Wanyin felt wasn’t the same intense, earth-shattering love as Lan Xichen had always felt for the younger man, but there was a hope that he could someday in the future, and that made it all worth it. He would wait for Jiang Wanyin forever.

Love translated into need and it fed on the ever-present desire Lan Xichen had for Jiang Wanyin. His heart thundered and his hardness grew to its absolute length and girth. The need to rock Jiang Wanyin into completion using his hips was breath-taking. This time he wanted to give him the release that he was denied three times. With that in mind, he leaned down to kiss Jiang Wanyin on the lips—hard, needy and messy. He kissed until Jiang Wanyin softened underneath him, legs parted so sensually, moans slithered out like liquid wine and hips unconsciously lifted towards Lan Xichen. When he finally allowed the kiss to end, he said, “Allow me once more? Until your core is stable?” 

But it didn’t feel like a dual cultivation to Jiang Wanyin anymore. 

This felt intimate.

It felt like theirs.

So he nodded his head and pulled Lan Xichen towards him. The proximity didn’t fear him anymore. Lan Xichen’s touches were the cure of his wounds, years left untreated. Within the safety of his cultivation partner’s arms, Jiang Wanyin thought that maybe this time he would be granted the peace that he was yearning for.

He allowed Lan Xichen to turn him around and pull him back to press against Lan Xichen’s chest. He allowed Lan Xichen to lift one of his legs to hook over his strong arm, spreading him wide. He felt the other arm slide underneath his torso, to curl forward so that the large palm could caress his nipple, down to his stomach and verging towards his hardening cock. In the position that Lan Xichen positioned them, he was draping over Jiang Wanyin, with his face buried into the crook of Jiang Wanyin's shoulder, leaving trails of kisses and bites.

Jiang Wanyin had never felt this spread open and yet still felt safe.

And when Lan Xichen slotted inside him, made so easily from the previous cultivation, Jiang Wanyin arched his back at the intensity of being so full in a matter of seconds; his sensitive spot was easily found and pressed by the monstrosity of Lan Xichen’s girth.

“Feel this, Wanyin,” Lan Xichen murmured possessively at his ear. He brought Jiang Wanyin’s hand down to his belly. Jiang Wanyin’s breaths hitched and his mouth dropped open in disbelief when he felt the noticeable bump on his belly.

“Darling, see how well you take me in.” The growl in his ears was making him dizzy with desire. “Feel how easy your tiny hole opens itself up for my thrusts—”

Jiang Wanyin whimpered when Lan Xichen pistoned and rolled his hips, feeling himself bounce so lewdly on his husband’s cock. He felt like he was riding on a horse; only riding didn’t make his dick spring up and down, spraying clear precums on their already tainted bedsheet. When Lan Xichen quickened his thrusts, Jiang Wanyin’s eyes rolled backwards in utter decadence; the pleasure was smothering him, making him forget of all the pains he suffered previously.

“Ah—Ah—Ah—Ahhh!” The cries synced with each plunge Lan Xichen gave him.

Lan Xichen didn’t do anything half-way, as he was totally possessed by the Lan curse and murmured words of praise and lasciviousness equally into his ear. “You are so warm inside… I can’t get enough of the way you tighten around me every time I fuck into this sweet spot of yours—” He proved his words by making rapid piston movement on the sensitive, making Jiang Wanyin wail and claw his nails onto the sheet. “—or the way your adorable cock twitch and bounce each time I plunge in deeper and harder—”

“Xichen, Xichen—” Jiang Wanyin was mad with lust as he chanted the name of his tormentor. The peak that was denied many times before made its comeback. He could feel it in the way his balls turned heavy and tight and the way his cock quivered. And this time—this time—there would be no Lan Xichen’s hand to prevent him from coming.

“I’m—I’m coming…” He moaned, ripping the cotton sheet beside him; his body writhed in utter debauchery as he was greedily reaching for the release. “Don’t stop, oh, please don’t stop…”

Lan Xichen groaned in response. He dug his knees deeper for better leverage as he fucked into his husband harder. “Take it, Wanyin… reach for it.” And then he came hard.

It was supposed to be an impossibility but Jiang Wanyin’s sight grew dark and blinding intermittently as his core worked overtime, taking the energy Lan Xichen gave it, merging it with his own newly generated qi, making each strand of cells vibrate with renewed life and health, and finally, finally Jiang Wanyin burst out his own ropes of white seed across the unsalvageable bedsheet. He might have screamed his release; he couldn’t tell from the intensity of the orgasm, but by the time he regained a bit of clarity, he noted his throat was sore.

The peak was rendering him motionless and senseless. It took a while before Jiang Wanyin could open his eyes. His heart was pounding so fast and loud. Sweat drenched the bed. And eventually he realised that he was lying on his belly with Lan Xichen draping half of his body over him, dropping slow appreciative kisses on his shoulders and back.

“Back with me?” Lan Xichen murmured.

Jiang Wanyin moaned quietly. Lan Xichen chuckled indulgently.

For the first time since his qi deviation incident during seclusion, Lan Xichen felt his core stop raging out excessive qi. It could be because he had given it all to Jiang Wanyin, or maybe because the love he saw in Jiang Wanyin’s eyes brought such peace and happiness within him that it quelled the ghosts. Whatever the reason was, Lan Xichen felt in control of himself, as he had never done in years after the Guanyin Temple.

It was all because of this man beside him.

“You’re so lovely,” Lan Xichen whispered against the skin that he was kissing. The urge to keep pleasing him was so strong. The trail of kisses moved lower and lower until it reached the rising mount of peach globes. Jiang Wanyin was still in the dense haze of the afterglow, and it took a while to understand that Lan Xichen had gripped his buttocks with both of his hands and pulled them apart.

“Xichen?”

“Shh… Have a rest, Wanyin… Close your eyes if you want to." Lan Xichen leaned into the valley, greedily nosing and pressing kisses onto the loose, gaping and swollen hole within. As he pressed the flat surface of his tongue on the entrance, he felt the hole wink and tremble. An indulgent smile appeared on Lan Xichen’s face.

“I just want to taste you.”

Jiang Wanyin didn’t have his rest until Lan Xichen pulled out another orgasm from him solely using his mouth.

*****

The morning came with a warmth wrapped possessively around him; the sun slithered into the room in a muted glow, sandalwood and musk in the pillows and his core glowed brightly within him as if yesterday’s agony was a dream. He felt sore in the places he never thought he could feel and yet his groin stirred up to life when he remembered all the things his husband did to him last night. Jiang Wanyin looked down his belly to the big, pale hands that held him close and his heart quickened at how the mere sight of Lan Xichen’s long fingers seemed so beautiful and attractive.

This was all he had ever dreamed of—a life with Lan Xichen. Only his dreams didn’t do justice to the reality Lan Xichen gave him. He could never have dreamt of the utter tenderness, the fierce protectiveness or the sheer love he saw in Lan Xichen’s face. Jiang Wanyin had been chasing after love for all his life and when he first saw it, he couldn’t almost make himself believe Lan Xichen loved him. But he couldn’t deny it this time because Lan Xichen had been so unreserved last night. He had given Jiang Wanyin torrents of affection and love. He had saved his life while being so mindful of his aversion to touches and proximity.

All those years of friendship; all those years thinking his own love would forever be unreciprocated, only to realise Lan Xichen had returned his feelings all along. Tears burned in his eyes at the revelation. How was one supposed to react when the love he had been chasing suddenly became within his grasp? Jiang Wanyin didn’t know. He was taught to hide his sadness all his life and to cling onto his anger. How was he supposed to tell Lan Xichen that he loved him too? Would Lan Xichen believe him? 

He had been told by someone who knew him that he was loveless. What if Lan Xichen eventually realised that was true? - that he had given his love to someone so bitter; his heart was so empty that even Wei Wuxian didn’t believe he was capable of love despite him sacrificing himself to save him. 

Despair consumed him. The newly healed core within him writhed. The hands on his waist tightened their grip. And Lan Xichen stirred awake as if he could hear the demon shouting in Jiang Wanyin’s head.

“Wanyin…” Lan Xichen’s deep voice reverberated along the skin at the back of Jiang Wanyin’s neck, causing him to shiver. He felt Lan Xichen’s fingers automatically press against the meridian point on his belly button to feel the state of qi flowing within. “Are you alright? Are you in pain?”

The anxiety in Lan Xichen’s voice was unmistakable and it made Jiang Wanyin’s heart tighten in such an impossible amount of love he had for this man. Lan Xichen might love him, but Jiang Wanyin wondered if he could ever fathom the depth Jiang Wanyin felt for him. Would Lan Xichen too think he was loveless eventually?

His throat closed up, so Jiang Wanyin could only give a brief shake of his head. His hands crept down to hold Lan Xichen’s hand tightly. 

“Are you sure?” Lan Xichen asked. He turned his hands around so he could hold Jiang Wanyin’s hands back. 

Jiang Wanyin swallowed down a few times to will the despair away. “Xichen,” he eventually said gruffly. “I’m fine. I have never felt this good for so long.”

Lan Xichen drew his eyebrows closer in worry. The tone did not match the words, so he rolled Jiang Wanyin around to face him. “Tell me.” His tone broached no rebuttal from Jiang Wanyin. They had spent the night escaping the clutch of death. To Lan Xichen, there should never be a misunderstanding, no words unspoken, no feelings unaddressed between them anymore. “Whatever it is that you feel, know that I won’t judge you for it. Haven’t I shown you how precious you are to me?”

In the face of such loveliness, Jiang Wanyin couldn’t hide himself anymore. He couldn’t stop the words from fumbling from his mouth as he uttered the very thing that made his heart shrivel in utmost fear. Because if Wei Wuxian, who grew up with him, thought of him like that, surely it was true? Who else would know him better than his shixiong?

“Lan Xichen—” He stumbled. “Do you think I am incapable of love?”

Lan Xichen’s eyes went wide. Of all the things he thought Jiang Wanyin would say, this was not one of them. Was this the reason Jiang Wanyin’s core suddenly expired yesterday?

“Who told you that?”

The deep growl in Lan Xichen’s voice was menacing.

******