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English
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Published:
2020-12-28
Completed:
2021-02-08
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4/4
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the darkness stifles

Summary:

Janus had long ago accepted that he and the Others would be rejected by Thomas. It made sense, given his upbringing and the social expectations that societal standards had placed on people, that Thomas would never want them around. But Virgil, from the moment he appeared, was destined to be in the Light. He shined too brightly for Janus to allow the darkness to kill his light.

Chapter 1

Chapter Text

Deception. Fear. Depression. Pride. Malice. Creativity. Jealousy. Paranoia. Greed.

They belonged huddled away in the dark. By anyone's standards their traits were something to be feared. Treated. Fixed. They all understood, and none of them cared. They bonded together in the stale, damp lower regions of the Subconscious, staying out of sight and doing their jobs when needed.

And then there was Anxiety.

Anxiety was different. While the others were content to stay out of sight, Virgil longed for the light and the warmth it brought. Janus had long ago accepted that he and the Others would be rejected by Thomas. It made sense, given his upbringing and the social expectations that societal standards had placed on people, that Thomas would never want them around. But Virgil, from the moment he appeared, was destined to be in the Light. He shined too brightly for Janus to allow the darkness to kill his light. And so, Janus found a way to make him leave, knowing he'd never abandon them without some incentive.

"I want to be listened to! I want Thomas to listen to me and acknowledge my fucking existence, why is that so unattainable? I want to be up there!" Virgil cried, eyes red with furious tears and hands clenched in his fury. Janus had to resist the urge to shrink from it, although he knew that his anger was not directed at him, but into the air, targetless and tainted with fear.

"Then leave!" Janus screamed. "We never wanted you here anyways!" Please stay. We need you here.

Virgil jerked back as if Janus had electrocuted him.

"Virgil-"

"Don't call me that," Vir- Anxiety snapped, tugging at the sleeves of his hoodie, flicking his hood up. Janus caught the shimmer of tears in his eyes as he looked away, face obscured in shadow.

Janus fought the urge to flinch as the cold, unforgiving look in his former friend's eyes as he turned back, and instead met his gaze unwaveringly. "Then what should I call you?"

"Anxiety. That's what I am, isn't it? That's all I'm ever going to be to you. I might as well embrace it."

He turned, and Janus yanked his hand back as his body betrayed him, reached for his friend as if to stop him, to plead with him to stay.

He watched the door slam behind Anxiety, and he sank to his knees in the dark, cold and alone. It hurt. It hurt so badly, and Janus could hardly bear it. But to was the right decision. He knew it was.

He just wished there had been a better way.

Chapter 2

Notes:

We'll pretend that Virgil isn't actually IN the video. For now, he's just hovering, unseen, making sure Thomas is safe and isn't making stupid decisions. it's doing him good just being in the Light mindscape.

Chapter Text

Anxiety glared at him from his place on the stairs, and Janus waved at him, just a little wiggle of his fingers, smirking. The other Side hissed, drawing back. "What do you want, Deceit?" he snapped.

Janus blinked coolly at him, as if it wasn't shredding his heart just watching how much his former friend now despised his very presence. "Oh, just checking up on Thomas," he lied, scanning the Side and trying not to let his surprise show. Anxiety had changed so much from the hot headed teenager that Janus had forced away. He stood taller, no longer holding his hoodie in a manner that made it seem like he was using it as a barrier between himself and the rest of the world. His hair was pushed back from his eyes, his eyeshadow was lighter, and he no longer slouched like he wished he could disappear. Growing up with the Light Sides had obviously done more for him that huddling in the shadows would ever have.

he might not have truly revealed himself to them, but just being around them, and being in the Light mindscape, had obviously helped him tremendously.

He drew back when Patton rose up, and disappeared shortly after, unseen by all but Anxiety, who kept sending him glares.

His heart ached, but he was still proud of his boy. Of what he had become.

Back in the dark, he dropped down against the wall, hugging his knees to his chest and taking a few shaky breaths.

"I miss you, Stormcloud. But I don't regret sending you away. I hope you understand, someday, why I did what I did. I had to save you from yourself."

He rambled into the darkness, although Virgil could not hear him, would never hear him.

He didn't see the figure as it slipped away down the hall, back towards the light.

Chapter 3

Chapter Text

Paranoia and Jealousy approached him shortly after suppertime, Paranoia nervously twisting the ends of the sleeves of his shirt in his clenched hands. The long sleeved black flannel was crumpled and creased where the Side's endless worrying had stretched the fabric out.

"Jaz, Varick," Janus greeted. "What do you need?"

Jaz took a deep breath. "We're worried about you," he said bluntly. "You haven't been yourself lately. It's almost the anniversary of..." Jaz paused, looked away, and winced. "Well, you know. And I know you normally get messed up around then, but this is...different. I know you saw him this year, with Thomas. What happened?"

"I concealed myself from them all, hoping Virgil and I could...talk. But Thomas had a video filming that I had forgotten about. I was unable to stay long. I was unwilling to risk revealing myself to those scatterbrained fools."

Varick opened his mouth as if to interject, then shut it with a snap and yanked on the left sleeve of his shirt again.

Janus raised an eyebrow at him. "Something to say?" he asked, not unkindly. "You may speak freely here, Var, I will not silence you. I hate doing it unless absolutely necessary."

Varick visibly cringed back. "Isn't Vir-uh, Anxiety one of the Light Sides now?" he asked quietly.

Janus shook his head. "I do not believe he sees himself as a Light, either because of their reluctance to complete accept him, or because of his origins down here with us. And either way, Anxiety is a reformed Side. He was not meant for life down here, nor was he a Light by birthright or by a shift in the mindscape. He is a Core Side by choice, which sets him aside from us all, much like Remus, as a split Fusion of Thomas's two warring viewpoints on acceptable creative definitions."

"I thought you said he was a Light?" Varick asked.

"I was sure at first, but it's become clearer that he was more neutral, and although he was more Light than he was ever Dark, and he simply ended up in the wrong side of the mindscape. It would have destroyed him to stay down here. The longer he stayed with us, the more is corrupted him. I could see it, his light, dimming with every day he refused to leave. Visiting Thomas helped, but it was in secret, never revealing himself. He couldn't risk it then."

"And now?" Jaz interjected. "Can he meet Thomas? Would it help him?"

"I hope so," Janus muttered. "If not, there is nothing that can help. I pray he left in time to save himself."

"Will...will we ever see him again?" Dominic whispered, creeping up behind them. "Is he ever coming back to visit us?"

Janus shook his head. "I would advise against it, but he may. It would hurt him to set foot back here, after integrating to where he belongs, but he may attempt it."

"I miss him."

"As do I. But he is better off where he is now."

"He won't be so sad and angry all the time?"

Janus smiled, the tugging at the corners of his mouth an almost foreign feeling. "I believe so."

Malice chuckled from the shadows of the hallway. "And if they hurt him?"

"If they hurt him...we'll make them regret it."

Chapter 4

Chapter Text

Morality skidded to a stop on the border between the mindscapes, panting. He glanced over his shoulder to make sure he hadn't been followed, and then sighed, fixing his cardigan and walking back into the living room.

He had gone back to ask Deceit about something, and after a fruitless glance around his room, had instead found him on the ground in the living room of the mindscape, pleading to the air to believe him. One sentence in particular had stuck with him, and Morality turned it over in his mind, contemplating it.

"Please, Virgil, you can trust them. Patton will welcome you, but you have to show yourself to them."

Patton knew exactly who he was talking about. Although they had never truly met, and he'd never gotten a good look at the elusive Side, he knew Anxiety lived in their side of the mindscape. He had never even tried going up to his room and knocking, or attempting more than halfhearted conversation when he did manage to catch a half second glimpse of him while leaving the kitchen.

Steeling himself, Patton darted down the hallway and stopped before the grey door. "Anxiety" was carved in jagged letters across the name plaque on the front, and he knocked softly just below it.

Anxiety wrenched the door open seconds later, hair sticking up, eyes wide. "Morality?" he asked. His voice was rougher and deeper than Thomas's, and held an edge of panic that made Patton want to hug him and reassure him that he was alright.

"Hi! You're Anxiety, right?"

Anxiety blinked at him, dumbfounded, then nodded slowly, relaxing just a bit. "Yeah, that...that's me. Is Thomas okay?" The tension flooded back into his frame, and Patton rushed to reassure him.

"Thomas is fine, kiddo! I just wanted to check up on you. I'm sorry for not coming here before, I wasn't sure if you'd be okay with me coming back here. this is your space, and I don't want to intrude or-"

"You mean you don't hate me?" Anxiety interrupted incredulously.

Patton closed his mouth with a snap, staring at him for a moment. "No? Why would I hate you, kiddo? You haven't ever done anything wrong."

Anxiety folded in on himself. "Oh. That's nice."

Patton contemplated him for a moment. "Want to watch a movie with me?"

Anxiety wrinkled his nose. "What?"

"Do you wanna watch a movie with me?"

Anxiety only hesitated for a moment before taking a step forward.

”Okay.”