Archive of Our Own ^beta

Instead of letting Hirotsu or literally anyone else behind the wheel, as would have been appropriate, sane, and responsible, Ryuu, Atsushi, Ranpo and Poe were dismayed to find Dazai driving and Chuuya in shotgun of one of Port Mafia’s black SUVs with tinted windows. 

Chuuya rolls down the window and Dazai cheerfully pipes up, “Hello hello darlinggss~ Are you guys ready for our beach trip?”

“I had a feeling this would happen but assumed Chuuya-kun was stronger than that. That must be some hangover,” Ranpo speaks around a lollipop, clasping his hands behind his head. “This should be interesting.” Poe merely strokes Karl on his shoulder. 

“Atsushi, we’re taking my car. Or a taxi. Or public transportation—I’ll buy out the whole bus if I need to,” Ryuu declares, taking Atsushi’s hand and clasping it tightly. “Actually, fuck that. We’ll use Rashomon.” 

“Now, now, Ryuu, aren’t you overreacting a little?” Atsushi sheepishly laughs. “The beach is an hour away and I’m sure Dazai-san isn’t that bad of a driver...right?” 

“No, he really is,” Chuuya groans, pinching the skin between his eyebrows, his mouth twisted in a grimace. “I’m confident a 70-year-old heavily medicated grandma would do better.” 

“You guyss…” Dazai pouts, crossing his arms over the steering wheel. “Can’t you have a little faith in me? Please?” 

Ryuu sighs. “On one condition. If any of us are gravely injured or otherwise incapacitated, Chuuya-san has to get us the best damn life insurance in existence. I know jinko may not need it, but I have a lung problem and a sister who needs me.”   

“What?!” Chuuya protests. “Why am I being punished for this?! Owwww,” he hisses, sinking further in his seat.  

“You were the one who put us in this position,” Ranpo points out. “So it makes sense that you’d have to pay up. Besides, money isn’t a problem for you, right? What do you think, Poe?” He looks at the reticent young man who merely smiles shyly. 

“I...I suppose so,” Poe murmurs. 

“There you have it. Poe agrees. Any further issues?” After a brief silence and no further protests from Chuuya, the four collectively shrug and pop open the trunk. 

There’s already a blue cooler and a large bag in the back but still plenty of space for the others to set their belongings down. 

“Where do you want to sit, Ryuu?” Atsushi questions. 

“The very back,” Ryuu replies definitively. “If all else fails, I’ll blow off the trunk door and use Rashomon as a parachute. I’m not staying in this death metal trap any longer than we need to.” 

“Death metal,” Ranpo snickers. “Isn’t that all you listen to?” 

It takes a loving but firm, tight grip on Ryuu’s arm to keep him from skewering the detective genius through the head as Ryuu and Atsushi make their way to the back row of seats. Ranpo and Poe take the middle seats. 

“Welcome, everyone, to Dazai’s Taxi Service! We’re so happy you chose us for your traveling needs as we take you to your final destination: the lovely Yokohama beach! Please buckle up and prepare for departure!” Dazai cheerfully calls out. 

“Why is he so damn excited?” Ryuu mutters. “You’d think he’d be taking us to a new place to commit suicide or something.” 

“I think it’s nice,” Atsushi counters. “At least he isn't singing about suicide or having me do his reports again.” 

“You’re still pawning them off?!” Chuuya chides. “You promised you’d start picking up your slack around the office. I’m...sorry, Atsushi, I’ll make sure he’s more on top of it next time.”

“I mean, Atsushi gets a free lunch out of it, so I guess there’s not too much to complain about,” Ranpo notes. “Anyways, you gonna get a move on, Dazai, or will we have to use Rashomon to parachute the entire SUV the way there?” 

“If I use Rashomon, it would be only for the jinko and I,” Ryuu corrects. “Get your own rides.” 

“For your information, Ranpo, I’m getting the directions ready! Wouldn’t want us getting lost now, would we?” Dazai’s smile is a little too bright as he looks at them through the rearview mirror and Atsushi reflexively gulps, shrinking a little into Ryuu’s side. 

“But we’re all set now so let’s go!” Dazai starts accelerating the car, Atsushi’s heart sinking further down into his stomach with every inch of road that passes beneath the tires. 

“So are you gonna put some tunes on or what?” Ranpo drawls, hand propped up on his chin leaning against the arm rest as he stares out the window. “And no suicide songs either.” 

“Aww,” Dazai protests. “But they’re so catchy!” 

“No one wants to hear how dying is so fun and you should do it with another person. Say, Chuuya, do you have any suggestions?” 

Chuuya pulls himself up slightly from his slouch and takes his sunglasses off, rubbing at his eyes. “Can’t a man get a little peace and quiet around here? It’s too bright outside…” he half mumbles, letting his voice trail off. 

“I bet Ryuu has some good music,” Ranpo turns around, his eyes twinkling. “Now’s your chance to prove me wrong about the death metal.”

Ryuu sneers and pulls his phone out from his pocket, tossing it to Ranpo. “Knock yourself out, boy wonder. If you can guess the passcode.”

Ranpo catches the phone between his index and middle finger, using a flick of his wrist to settle it in his palm. His fingers fly across the keyboard and much to Atsushi’s surprise has the home screen loaded not even five seconds after getting the phone. 

“Piece of cake. Let’s check out your Spotify.” Ranpo navigates to the app and pulls it up, scrolling through the titles. 

“There’s a good mix here, I see. Poe, what are you in the mood for?” Ranpo leans in Poe’s direction, angling the phone towards him. 

Poe’s bangs hang over his forehead as he cranes his neck. “I, I guess some One Republic,” he suggests softly, Atsushi straining slightly to hear him. 

“One Republic it is. Let’s start with a classic.” Ranpo taps on the screen and “All the Right Moves” begins playing, the singer’s vocals filling the air. 

The SUV appears to be equipped with Bluetooth as the music almost immediately begins transmitting from the sound system. 

“Can we turn it down just a little?” Chuuya begs. “My headache is killing me.” 

“Aww, my poor cute widdle chibi,” Dazai croons. “Just close your eyes and try to rest, okay? I’ll wake you up when we’re there.” Dazai dutifully lowers the volume a few notches and Chuuya sighs in relief, putting his hat on his face and reclining his seat back.

“We’re going to go very carefully the rest of the way, okay my sweets? Wouldn’t want to disturb my loving wife here,” Dazai’s voice seems sugary sweet but even Atsushi can detect the dark undercurrent lacing his tone as if taunting the other inhabitants of the car to challenge his proclamation. 

“Just get us there in one piece, that’s all I ask,” Ryuu mutters. “How much further anyways?” 

Dazai looks at the phone on the dashboard. “Another 54 minutes—time flies when you’re having fun, doesn’t it?” He remarks cheerfully. “Oh, looks like I have to get on the highway now. Can’t remember if I’ve ever done this before…but there’s a first time for everything!” He heads onto the highway ramp. 

“Just remember to look over your shoulder and to the side before you change lanes,” Ranpo advises. “Highway driving is much more fast-paced than in the city.” 

“Fuck, I should have just asked Higuchi to drive,” Ryuu groans. “But she’s gone with Gin on a mission…”

“Ah yes, I’m sure they certainly are working...hard,” Ranpo smirks. “Just the two of them...alone...” 

“Hey, Ryuu, why don’t we play a game?” Atsushi quickly interjects. The last thing he needs is a fistfight in the car especially given Chuuya’s asleep so he can’t mediate the conflict. 

“What kind of game, jinko?” Ryuu narrows his eyes, clearly two steps away from inflicting certain death on Ranpo for the second time that day. 

“Uh, um,” Atsushi flounders, struggling to think of something entertaining enough to keep Ryuu’s attention. “Would you rather! You have to suggest two choices and ask the other person to decide!” 

“Wow, Atsushi pulling out the big guns without any alcohol. Nice,” Ranpo remarks. 

Atsushi blushes slightly, looking off to the side. “Naomi suggested this one when she heard about our beach trip…” 

“Well, whatever, seems fun! I’m in. Poe?” Poe nods. 

“How about you, Ryuu?” There’s a good chance that Ryuu will decline, but at least the tension in the car seems to have dissipated some.

“I guess I could try it,” Ryuu grumbles. “So who wants to begin?” 

“Me! Me!” Dazai exclaims. “I’ll ask Ranpo the first question. Ranpo, would you rather give up candy or a good mystery?” 

“Mystery,” Ranpo automatically answers. “Mysteries will come and go, I’ll find my way to another one. Candy? Priceless. My turn to ask—this question goes to Ryuu. Ryuu, would you rather be feared by all or loved by all?” 

“Feared by all. Love is for wimps,” Ryuu scoffs. “How is that even a question?” 

“I think it’s better to be loved by all,” Atsushi muses. “Love helps you win people’s trust, sustain relationships in the long-run...I mean, given my past, it makes sense, doesn’t it?” 

“An even mix of both is good,” Chuuya mutters. “Too much fear and you’re seen as a dictator. Too much love and you’re soft. Both give you a reputation of being reliable and respectable.” 

“That’s a very mature answer,” Dazai praises. “I would use fear on the little minions. Just scare them into submission with a boot to the head and a gun aimed at their chest. All my love is reserved just for youuu, chibi~” 

Atsushi feels Ryuu stiffen next to him. He comfortingly lays a hand on his thigh, squeezing him lightly. Dazai may be different now, but there’s definitely room for improvement and mistakes that he needs to rectify. 

“Keep your eyes on the road, Dazai,” Chuuya grumbles. “How fast are you going, anyway?” 

Dazai takes a look at the speedometer. “75.”

“Isn’t that too fast? That definitely seems too fast,” Atsushi frets. 

“Just say the word, Atsushi, and we can just Rashomon away,” Ryuu reminds him. 

“Ryuu, we can’t just take off in the middle of the highway. Dazai-san, maybe think about slowing down. Poe-san, I’ll ask you a question now, if that’s okay?” 

Before Atsushi can, however, the unmistakable sound of sirens fills the air. He whirls around and sees a cop car with its lights on trailing behind them.

“Dazai-san, you’re going to have to pull over.” Atsushi tries to convey the message as calmly as he can but his heart is racing in his chest.  

“Ah, we have an unwelcome stalker. Let’s shake him, shall we?”

“That’s a really bad—” But Dazai grips the steering wheel and slams his foot on the accelerator. He swerves the car around the other cars, blatantly ignoring the loud honks from the clearly disgruntled drivers around them. 

“Dazai-san, this is a crime,” Atsushi protests. “Ryuu, you have to help me stop him!” His palms start sweating and he’s gripping his thighs so hard his knuckles are turning white. 

“Dazai-san, I agree with the jinko. This is reckless and we’ll end up in prison. I can’t go to prison. They’ll never be able to keep me in there, but still,” Ryuu agrees, crossing his arms over his chest. Tendrils of Rashomon begin snaking their way towards the front of the car.

“I’ve done extortion, fraud, assault, murder...what’s a little traffic evasion?” Dazai laughs sardonically. “A speeding ticket is the least of my worries. Let’s spice things up—we’re just 15 minutes away!” 

“Chuuya-san, please keep Dazai from doing something rash,” Atsushi begs. 

“Dazai, get your shit together,” Chuuya mutters. “Or I’ll kill you.” 

“He’s going to end up killing us first at this rate,” Ryuu counters. “Dazai-san, get your hands off the wheel. I’m taking control.” 

Dazai lifts a hand to grab at one of Rashomon’s tendrils. “Nope, nope, nope, I got this.” 

“Just pull over, Dazai-san. Please,” Atsushi grovels. “I’ll do your reports for a week. Two weeks. A month. Just pull over.” 

Dazai releases a long-drawn out sigh. “Fine, Atsushi-kun. Only because you asked so cutely.” 

Relief washes over Atsushi. Dazai finally pulls off to the side, killing the engine.

The cop takes a few minutes but parks behind them, and Dazai drums his fingers on the steering wheel, humming.

Atsushi watches anxiously as a middle-aged man slowly walks up to them, knocking on Dazai’s window. 

Dazai lowers it and gives him a winsome smile. “How can I help you today, Officer?” 

“You can start off by trying to explain what the hell you were doing back there,” the officer snaps. “You were going too fast and ended up endangering the lives of not only the people in this car but other drivers on the road. You’re lucky I haven’t put out an arrest warrant for you yet. Give me your papers, please.” 

Dazai tilts his head questioningly. “Papers?” He echoes. 

“Yes, papers. Your driver’s license, the car’s registration, insurance...I need everything. Now.”  

Dazai straightens and seems to consider it before, much to Atsushi’s dismay, shifting the car back in drive. 

“SCISSORS!” He bellows and takes off, even faster than before. 

Atsushi groans and holds his head in his lap, feeling a headache coming on. 

That was the first and last time they ever let Dazai drive. Chuuya was banned from drinking before any group trips, and Ryuu made sure Higuchi was always free on those weekends.