Chapter Text
January 11th, 2021.
It was the opening of the front door that woke him from his slumber. Normally, Kirsch was a deep sleeper, and it would take a lot more than that to rouse him. But Carmilla’s couch wasn’t the most comfortable and the little noise his friend was making was more than enough to wake him.
He let out a big, open-mouthed yawn and stretched for his phone that he had left on the coffee table. It was a bit strange that Carmilla was home when it was barely after midnight, but it wouldn’t be the first time. Maybe the girl just wasn’t that good and she couldn’t handle another round. That’s what she had told him last time that he had asked.
“Yo dude,” he said excitedly, sitting up quickly to greet her. He was just about to ask her how her date was. But when he saw the look on her face, the words died in his mouth.
Even in the low light, he could see that her eyes were red and her cheeks were slightly puffed. She had been crying. He watched as she shrugged off her thick jacket and tossed it onto the kitchen counter. And when she turned to him again, she had steeled her expression, not giving away a hint at what she was feeling.
He wanted to ask her what was wrong; he hadn’t seen her cry in years. He wanted to comfort her and he was totally ready to punch whoever was at fault. But he knew his friend. He had learned the hard way that Carmilla wouldn’t tell him a thing unless she was ready to, and the way she painted on an obviously strained smile told him that she wouldn’t be talking tonight.
Carmilla knew that Kirsch was worried about her. She would have found somewhere to wash the tears off her cheeks if she had known he would still be awake. But for now, she was just glad that he wasn’t pressing the issue. She was sure that if he did, she would either yell at him or break down into a sobbing mess all over again. Kirsch gave her a supportive smile and she felt a bit of the tension leave her body, knowing that it meant she could retreat to her room.
But first, she walked to Eli’s room, her door right across the hall from Carmilla’s, and pushed the door open. She didn’t want to wake her daughter, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to rest until she saw her sleeping soundly. As she peered into the dark, she saw that the bed was still made, dark sheets still neatly tucked under the pillows. She would have been worried, but she knew what that meant.
She entered her bedroom instead. Eli looked tiny, bundled up in the blankets on Carmilla’s bed, and any tension that was still remaining in Carmilla’s body dissipated. She changed into some comfortable pajamas and washed her face in the bathroom before snuggling up to her daughter.
She knew she wouldn’t be sleeping any time soon, and so she let herself focus on Eli’s relaxed breathing, counting each exhale to lull herself to sleep.
***
Laura let out a long, heavy sigh as she made her way down the stairwell of her apartment building. She looked down at her car keys in her hand and decided against driving to work that morning. Her eyes were burning with how tired she was; she hadn’t gotten a wink of sleep the night before and her body was feeling it now. But it wasn’t her fault, she couldn’t stop her brain from whirling with thoughts of Carmilla.
Yes, some of those thoughts were ‘that was the best date of life’ and ‘I can’t stop thinking about the way your lips felt against mine’, but they were all stained by Carmilla running off after. She just couldn’t get the memory of Carmilla’s terrified face out of her mind. She couldn’t remember a time that she had seen someone look so genuinely scared.
When she got to the bus stop, she reflexively pulled out her phone. Her fingers, working on their own volition, pulled up Carmilla’s contact and Laura couldn’t stop staring at it. She wanted to call her, to see if she was ok. But they barely knew each other, I mean, it had only been one date. A date that had ended with Carmilla ditching her in the parking lot with warm lips and a muddled mind.
But at the same time, she was almost certain that she wasn’t the reason Carmilla had bolted. The entire night had been going wonderfully. At its surface, it may have seemed like any other date, but Laura had never felt more strongly drawn to another person. She had never felt like she connected with someone after such a brief time of knowing them. And the way Carmilla had melted into their kiss, and the way she looked at Laura with so much emotion, she knew that Carmilla felt something too.
So Laura opted for the middle ground, spending the rest of her short cab ride to think of the best thing to say over text.
Laura (7:36 am): are you ok?
The cab pulled up in front of the university campus and Laura shoved her phone into her jacket pocket. She shook her head, hoping to clear out the thoughts of Carmilla. She still had work to do and she wasn’t about to let her worrying stop her from getting her job done.
***
January 16th, 2021.
A whole week had passed since her date with Laura. Carmilla had done her best to ignore her phone that week, but it just wasn’t possible. She had already spent more time than she would like to admit staring at the texts Laura had sent her. It was only a few texts from earlier in the week and was mainly Laura trying to find out if Carmilla was alright. And although she read them countless times, Carmilla was yet to reply. But she wasn’t going to reply. She didn’t want to want to reply.
So instead of dealing with her feelings head-on, she took the Carmilla route and tried to bury herself in her work. Not that it worked, even when she was deep in paperwork, Laura was still plaguing her mind.
That was why she was angrily hunched over her laptop when Eli came running up to her. The child didn’t say anything, simply climbing up onto Carmilla’s lap and snuggling into her. Confused at the behavior, Carmilla looked up at the clock. Shit, when did it get so late, she thought. It was already 3 pm and Eli’s nap time had passed.
But before Carmilla could beat herself up about that, her buzzer doorbell went off. She groaned softly and made her way to the door, still holding Eli and being extra careful not to wake her.
“Carm-se—” Kirsch was cut off by the death glare Carmilla was giving him as she opened the door to her apartment.
Eli was balanced on Carmilla’s hip with her tiny arms wrapped around Carmilla’s neck tightly.
“She's asleep?” Kirsch whispered, still comically loud for a whisper.
Carmilla just nodded and ushered him into the apartment.
Wordlessly, she made her way to Eli’s room to put her down, while Kirsch settled himself comfortably on the couch.
“What’re you doing here, beefcake?” she asked, walking back into the living room and flumping down onto the couch next to him.
“You’re kidding right?” he laughed, eyeing Carmilla, not surprised to see she was completely serious.
“Dude! You said I could Eli to that thing in the park. Remember?”
Carmilla just looked at him confusedly. She couldn’t remember what he was talking about but she had been such a mess this week that she wasn’t surprised that it had slipped her mind. She rolled her eyes at him and kicked her feet up, grabbing her book from the coffee table.
“She missed her nap, so I don’t think she’s gonna be up in time for that,” she said casually, hoping to ignore him by burying her head in the pages.
“Fine,” he grumped, setting up his face as he slumped further into the couch. He knew that whatever was going on with Carmilla was because of that girl. She never forgot anything, especially if it had to do with Eli. He was hoping that she would have opened up to him about it by now, or at least gotten over it by herself if that was the case.
“Is this about that girl?” he asked, breaking the silence that had settled over them. Carmilla knew he was worried about her, but she had really been hoping that he wouldn’t bring it up. She didn’t want to talk about it. It wasn’t even a big deal.
“What girl?” Carmilla asked innocently. She didn’t even look up from her book, but she knew the look Kirsch was giving her. The look that said ‘ you’re not fooling anyone’ .
They let the silence fill the space between them, both waiting to see who was going to crack first. But it was going to be Kirsch, it always was.
“Come on, Carmilla,” he said seriously. “You know I don’t bug you about stuff” — which was true, he normally didn’t — “but you gotta talk about it sometime.”
Still, she just ignored him.
“She didn’t do anything did she?” he gasped as he uttered the words, a look of disgust and horror crossing his face. “Cuz although I would never hit a girl, I totally would if she did something.”
“She didn’t do anything,” Carmilla said, still unwilling to look him in the eyes. She knew that if she did she would start talking, and she really didn’t want to talk about it. It wasn’t her fault that Kirsch was just so easy to talk to.
“So what’s the problem, bro? The sex couldn’t have been that bad,” he said, trying to lighten the mood. That’s when he knew it was something serious; when Carmilla didn’t even crack a smile. She always laughed at sex jokes.
“I liked her,” Carmilla muttered, the words barely heard with how soft she spoke them.
“Dude that’s great!” Kirsch shouted, obviously not seeing the problem.
Carmilla’s face was red and she just wanted the ground to swallow her up. The simple act of voicing the words that had been rattling around her brain was just too much.
“You don’t understand, Kirsch,” she said shortly, bitterness seeping into her words. “I really liked her. ”
“Yeah dude, I don’t understand. What’s wrong with that? Isn’t that the whole point of dating?”
“It was not a date, dude,” she said annoyed. “We were just supposed to fuck.”
“Still not seeing the problem, Carm-sexy. She would totally be into dating you. I mean, you’re like totally hot.”
Carmilla knew she shouldn’t have started talking about it. She felt her shoulders shake and she immediately tucked her hands under her, sitting on them. The last thing she wanted was to punch Kirsch for trying to help. Actually, the last thing she wanted was this conversation to continue.
He kept talking though. Listing out all the reasons Laura would ‘totally date her’, telling her how ‘rad’ she was and how ‘awesome’ Eli was and that having a kid definitely wouldn’t chase her away.
Then he said what she really was hoping he wouldn’t bring up. He said Ell’s name.
Fuck, she was hoping he wouldn’t go there. She clenched her jaw, biting down her tongue until she tasted blood. She didn’t want to talk to him because she knew she wouldn’t be able to control herself. But he just wouldn’t shut up. And he just kept saying her name. And she just couldn’t handle hearing Ell’s name as her brain pictured Laura’s face.
She was on her feet before she knew it, and her hands were grabbing onto the front of Kirsch’s shirt, yanking him off the couch.
“You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about!” she screamed, the words dripping out of her mouth and tasting like poison in the air. She knew that wasn’t true, she knew that he understood more than most. That’s why they were such good friends after all.
“Of course I know,” he said, his voice still calm. He had dealt with Carmilla for years and a little bit of anger thrown his way was expected. He had seen her much worse before. “I don’t keep myself locked away just because of SJ, and you shouldn’t let Ell stop you.”
“You don’t know anything, Wilson,” she spat. “And I don’t ever want to hear you say Ell’s name again! You don’t know a thing about her.”
Her hands were still gripping onto his shirt tightly and she started pushing him towards the door. She couldn’t think anymore. Couldn’t hear anything that wasn’t what she was saying. Couldn’t see anything that wasn’t shoving Kirsch out of the apartment, because he needed to be gone.
“You’re scared Carmilla. You’ve always been scared.” He hated seeing his friend like this, but he couldn’t just let her keep doing this to herself. “You keep pushing everyone away because you are too scared. If you don’t take a risk, you’re going to be alone forever. ”
She dropped her hands from him and turned away sharply. “Get the fuck out,” she whispered.
February 2013
Carmilla blinked her eyes open and Ell was there beside her. The blonde was still fast asleep and Carmilla let herself run her hands over her unclothed torso. She couldn’t help it that her lips tugged upwards at the familiarity of it all.
Ell wasn’t the first girl Carmilla had slept with, but she was the first girl she had slept in the same bed as.
The pair had been seeing each other for a few months now. That is if seeing each other consisted of mind-blowing sex a few times a week. They had never discussed where they were going, or how they felt, or what else they wanted. But looking at Ell right now, Carmilla knew that she felt something besides initial, surface-level attraction. And that feeling alone was enough to bring a smile to her face.
“Why are you staring at me?” Ell asked as she fluttered her eyes open, a light laugh escaping her.
Carmilla simply smiled back at her. A wide, unburdened smile. She couldn’t remember the last time she had smiled like this because of someone. But she also couldn’t remember the last time she felt this way because of someone.
Instead of answering, Carmilla leaned in and captured Ell’s lips in a heated kiss, breathing in every bit of the girl. “Morning” she rasped against Ell’s lips, pulling back enough to stare into her eyes. But what she saw, well it scared her.
Ell’s eyes were hungry, and Carmilla knew just what for. And she realized that she had no idea if Ell felt anything for her besides that initial, surface-level attraction. So Carmilla closed her eyes and kissed her again. Giving her what she knew what she wanted.
***
January 16th, 2021.
Laura had immersed herself in her new job over the last week, burying her head in the ridiculous amount of scripts she had to mark, almost all thoughts of Carmilla were gone from her mind. But now that the work-week was over and she had cleared all the work she could think of, Laura needed something else to occupy her mind.
So here she was, bundled in her puffy jacket and ringing the doorbell to Laf and Perry’s home. The redhead couple had gotten a good deal on a small flat, closer to the edge of the city, a few years ago. It really wasn’t much on two teachers’ salaries, but thanks to Perry’s touch and Lafontaine’s handiness with almost all tools, they made the place feel like home. And of course, that homeliness extended to both Laura and Danny.
Perry was there to welcome Laura at the door, ushering her inside and immediately pointing out the snacks she had prepared for the evening. Why did Perry feel the need to prepare hors-d’oeuvres for their monthly game night? Well, that was just Perry for you.
Laura took in the room, noticing Danny was already there, laughing along to something Laf was saying, and the dining table was already scattered with different board game boxes.
“Hollis!” the tall ginger greeted as she spotted Laura across the room. “Hope you’re ready to avenge us. They kicked our butts last month!”
Laura chuckled and pulled up a seat at the table, sitting beside Danny as Perry sat beside Lafontaine.
Laura had been coming to game night with Laf and Perry since her freshman year. Then a year later when Laura started dating Danny, the group grew to four of them. Even after they broke up, it remained the four of them, and Laura couldn’t help but laugh softly at the familiar display around her.
Perry was pulling game boxes out of the messy piles that Laf had made, and the other two gingers were heavily debating which game they should play first.
***
“Goddammit!” Danny shouted as she slammed the notepad that was being used to keep score on the table.
“How could you not act out ‘jester’!” Laf said teasingly to Laura. The whole group laughed loudly as Laura scrunched up her face and groaned, letting Perry step up to the plate.
They were four games in and Laura and Danny were losing incredibly. Normally they were able to keep a smaller margin between the points, even if it was common knowledge that Laf and Perry were still undefeated after 5 years of game nights.
Perry acted out a confusing set of actions that neither Laura nor Danny could even take a guess at, but before long Lafontaine was chiming in with the right answer. “Beanstalk!”
Danny shot a confused look at Laura because how in the world was that ‘beanstalk’, but Laura seemed to be lost in thought. In fact, she had been doing that all night. Whenever it wasn’t their turn, she seemed completely focused on something else. Her distractedness was probably why they were getting their asses handed to them.
“Ok, good game!” Perry chimed cheerily, casually marking off a few more points in their column.
“Don’t worry, Hollis,” Danny said, trying to pull Laura out of her thoughts. “We’ll win next time.”
That prompted a hearty laugh from Laf which was quickly replaced with a guilty look as Perry shot them a glare.
Perry grabbed up the plates that were scattered around them. Once Danny gave her a pleading look, she asked Laf to help her to wash up and the couple was retreating to the kitchen.
But even as Danny stared directly at her, trying to figure out what Laura was thinking about so intensely, Laura was so caught up in her head that she didn’t even notice the other two had left the room.
“Laur” Danny said gently, repeating herself a few times. Laura startled as she realized Danny was calling her, and she turned her body to face her immediately.
She hadn’t meant to get distracted, but the thoughts of Carmilla just kept bombarding her. She didn’t know why it hit her so hard tonight. She hadn’t seen Carmilla in almost a week and had spent that week with her head basically Carmilla-free.
But sitting here at game night, it seemed like a week of thoughts were just hitting her at the same time. She couldn’t stop remembering how attractive was and how good their kiss felt. And then she couldn’t help but feel like her heart was breaking when she remembered how the night ended. She knew it was silly, she barely knew Carmilla and it shouldn’t have been bothering her this much.
“You ok there, Laura?” Danny asked. “You keep zoning out.”
Laura looked up at Danny, and of course, there was nothing but sincerity written on the ginger’s face. Danny always cared. Laura considered telling her about what was bothering her. But even though she had broken up with Danny almost 2 years ago, it felt weird to talk about her crushes with her. That had never been a problem before now, because pathetically, Laura hadn’t had many crushes in that time.
“It’s all good,” she said, forcing a smile onto her face. “I’m just stressed about the new job, I guess.”
Danny scoffed. “I know what stressed Laura looks like. And this is not it. This is pining Laura.”
“Wha-what?!? That is not — I am not pining.”
“Is this about that date you went to on Sunday?”
“It is not about that,” Laura said, a bit too quickly, a pout forming on her face. “Wait! How did you know about that?”
“Laf told me at work,” Danny shrugged. Dammit, Laura thought, she kept forgetting that the two still worked together now that she wasn’t there. “It’s not a big deal, you know. We’ve been broken up for years, Laura,” Danny laughed, “you can tell me about your dates.”
Ugh, this was awkward. It's not that she didn’t think she couldn’t talk to Danny about this kind of stuff, it's just not something they did. It just wasn’t their thing.
“You know, you don’t tell me about your dates either,” Laura quipped, doing her best to deflect the conversation.
That shut Danny up for a minute, as she realized that Laura was right. She didn’t talk to her about her love life. But she didn’t know why. Laura was her best friend before they dated and she was still her best friend now that they were broken up.
“Well, I’m actually seeing someone,” Danny said awkwardly.
Laura’s eyes widened at that. She definitely hadn’t expected that. “Really, Danny! That’s great.” She was smiling and was eager to change the topic to Danny’s love life instead of hers.
“Yea yea,” Danny said, “He’s fine, it's not that serious.” She was failing miserably to suppress the blush that was rising up her face. “Now I told you, so your turn.”
Laura didn’t really want to talk about Carmilla. She wouldn’t even know where to start. She knew she liked Carmilla, like a lot. But she had no idea if Carmilla liked her back. Probably not though, she had been ignoring Laura for the past week. But Laura didn’t know what it was, her brain just refused to drop Carmilla. Something was drawing her to Carmilla and she couldn’t even explain it. It was honestly a bit terrifying.
“It’s really nothing, Danny,” she said, desperately avoiding eye contact. “We probably won’t see each other again.”
Danny looked at her sympathetically, but Laura was still refusing to look at her.
“Well, don’t worry, Hollis. There are plenty of fish in the sea.”
A bout of silence was settling over them, blanketing the room until Lafontaine came barreling into the room. They were holding a plate piled high with chocolate chip cookies.
“Hey is Laura done pining?” they quipped, shoving the plate towards Laura.
“I was not pining!” She shouted defensively, a pout forming on her face.
“Come on, Frosch. You’re like the piniest pine that’s ever pined,” they laughed, taking a big bite of their own cookie. Laura simply grumbled over her own cookie.