Archive of Our Own ^beta

Cathy wanted quiet. Everything was loud. No, not loud. Just a lot of noises.  They all just added up. That's all.

It wasn't a big deal. She was pretty sure no one else was up. She considered listening to music, but she wanted to move around a little.

It was around 5 AM, the sun was coming up. She figured she could go outside and look at the sunrise. That would be calming. Then, she could start the day fresh.

Cathy looked down at Kitty and softly kissed her forehead, whispering, ”I'll be back soon, love.” Kitty just shifted a little in her sleep and Cathy stood up.

She walked outside her room and through the halls, doing her best to ignore the quiet noises that all built up and just- God, it was a pain. Not enough to give her a sensory meltdown, at least not on its own, but enough to annoy the Hell out of her.

When she got outside, she turned to look at the sun and noticed a silhouette on the edge of the roof. She tilted her head and listened to the soft singing as she tried to decipher who it was.

“I don't think I deserve it, 
selflessness find your way into my heart.
All stars could be brighter. 
All hearts could be warmer.”

Cathy hummed along and looked around for a ladder. It was probably Anne. She smiled as she saw a ladder already set up, at least Anne was being safer. She climbed up and paused.

“What would it take for things to be quiet?” Anne finished, sitting on the edge of the roof and looking at where the sun was peeking into view, ”Quiet, like the snow...”

“Hey,” Cathy climbed onto the roof and Anne glanced back, looking surprised before smiling.

“Hey.”

Cathy crawled over and sat by Anne, ”What song was that?”

“Louder Than Thunder,” Anne answered, ”I like it. It's... It's nice. Calm and slower.”

“Sounds nice.”

“You should listen to the actual song,” Anne suggested, ”I'll send you the link later.”

They fell into silence again.

It was nice.

Cathy looked around, scanning the area. It was still pretty dark, and, even though the sun was slowly coming up, it wasn't really doing anything to help light the area up. But that was fine. Cathy could enjoy the limited view.

Anne broke the silence, ”Why are you up here? You doing okay?”

“Just a little overwhelmed,” Cathy answered, ”Noises. I'm a little stressed by them. I just wanted to get away from it and calm down before I start the day. The sunrise is just a plus.” Cathy noticed Anne stiffen a little as she added, ”I just wanted quiet.”

“Oh,” Anne turned back to the sunrise, ”Alright. I get that. Going up here is calming. But this is the first time I've seen you up here.”

“Do you come up here a lot?” Cathy asked, not looking away from the sunrise.

“Well...” Anne hummed, ”Not a lot, but frequently. I like it.”

“Are you okay?” Cathy glanced at Anne, ”Why do you come up here?”

“Stressed,” Anne shrugged, ”Calm down, clear my head.”

“What's stressing you out?” Cathy looked down, a hint of a joke in her question.

Anne hummed for a few seconds before answering, ”I can't stop thinking about cutting, sometimes.”

Cathy winced at that and looked at Anne, who was still staring forward.

“Do...” Cathy swallowed, not sure what to say, ”Do you... Is there something going on? Do you need to talk?”

“That's the thing,” Anne sighed, ”I... I'm not sad. Well, sometimes, I have off days, but I'm okay right now. So I don't get what this is about. It's just... The urge to cut is there without the emotional turmoil that caused it.”

Cathy hummed and looked back at the sunset, ”Well... Well, does Catherine know?”

“No, not really,” Anne shrugged, ”I don't know how to tell her this. I mean, what can I even do about this?”

Cathy opened her mouth before realizing she didn't know what to do about this. She was clueless about this. She had done some research after Anne's suicide attempt, but she hadn't read about this.

They sat in silence and stared at the sunset for a while. Cathy let her mind run as felt the cold breeze and stared as the sky blurred into red.

“Thanks, Cath,” Anne began to stand up, ”This was nice.”

Cathy looked at her, ”Wait, Anne!”

Anne paused and sat down, ”What? Is something wrong?”

“Okay...” Cathy hummed, ”I'm gonna help you with this.”

Anne blinked and gave a soft smile, ”I don't... I don't know. It isn't your problem, Cath. It might not be fixabl-”

“I never said fix,” Cathy smiled, ”But help. We can help you figure it out. Or, if you want, it can just be me. Or you can tell someone else that you want to help you and it can just be them.”

Anne sighed, ”Well... Okay. How do you think you can help?”

“Why do you think you cut?” Cathy began, ”Sorry for the bluntness, but I don't know another way to put it.”

“Um...” Anne looked down, ”At first, it was because of my neck. I would scratch it when I got stressed because it just... It had this itchy burn and scratching it relieved the itch, though it made it hurt in other ways.”

“Okay,” Cathy nodded, wincing a little at the description, ”Then when did you cut?”

“One night...” Anne seemed to be faltering, ”One night, I just... Took apart a razor and looked at the blade and just... Cut. It... I don't remember the exact thought process, but I did it. It made everything... Both better and worse. I felt grounded and relieved. The voice stopped for a second. The more I did it, the more emotions just kinda mixed in there.”

“Like?” Cathy prompted, softly.

“Sometimes, I would think I deserved the pain...” Anne blinked and Cathy noticed her tapping her finger on the roof, ”But it was never the reason for the cutting. Just an afterthought. Sometimes, I cut when I couldn't stop thinking about... Him... Just- fuck, his touch and everything. I can feel it, sometimes. And I hate it. Cutting was a temporary distraction, but it made everything else fade away.”

“Maybe, you're overwhelmed?” Cathy suggested, ”Maybe you want to cut because you want everything to fade away.”

“Maybe,” Anne nodded, ”What do I do about it?”

“Try to talk to people,” Cathy hummed, ”Ask for help. You'll feel less overwhelmed if you get help. And maybe the overwhelmed feeling is due to keeping everything inside of feeling overwhelmed by your own emotions. The only way to fix that is to talk.”

Anne let out a small laugh and they fell back into silence. The sun was coming up more. The soft red was fading into a sharp yellow. They would have to get down, soon.

“Is...” Anne glanced at Cathy before blinking and looking down, ”Is this normal?”

“I don't think the word normal fits,” Cathy noticed the way Anne's hand moved to her hair before gently falling back down, ”Because cutting isn't normal and it's bad.”

Anne opened her mouth, but Cathy held out her hand and finished, ”But it doesn't mean you can't be normal and you're bad.”

Anne gave a small smile and grabbed her hand, quietly asking, ”Can... Can I hug you?”

“Sure, Bo,” Cathy smiled as Anne hugged her. They fell back into a silence and Cathy thought about how lucky she was that she got to know this part of Anne. The calm, quiet, sensible, vulnerable part.

Anne pulled away and winced at the sun, ”We should get down.”

“Yeah,” Cathy nodded in agreement, ”C'mon, remember to be careful.”

“This isn't my first time, Cath-Cath,” Anne smirked as she began to push herself up.

“Yeah, yeah,” Cathy rolled her eyes and followed her.

The two of them climbed down and Anne put the ladder back. Cathy watched, looking at the sky before the two of them walked in.

Cathy felt calmer. She really did. She wasn't expecting that much out of going onto the roof, or the conversation with Anne. But she was happy.

Satisfied.

Relieved.

Because Anne was okay. Well, not okay. But she asked for help that Cathy provided. Well, she hoped she did. She tried. 

Cathy went through her day with a sense of pride and happiness. Every time she saw Anne, she couldn't help but smile at the memory because she helped her.

She remembered the suicide attempt vividly. She remembered promising to herself that when Anne came back, she would help her get better. She stayed up for so long, doing research and watching Anne's behavior. It was exhausting, but she always made notes and a chart and asked the others what they thought.

Sometimes, she felt guilty. It was almost like she was treating it like a project. But it was only because this was the best way she knew how to help.

Then again, she didn't have any research on the roof. She didn't have any charts or notes.

She just... Thought. And talked. She made the connections and asked Anne.

Maybe she didn't need research.

She still preferred to have something, obviously, not go into a situation blind. But maybe she could be a little looser and just... Try to have fun. Not pay so much attention and help if Anne asked. She was getting better at asking.

And, later, when Anne texted Cathy the link, she felt that same satisfying feeling. She sent back a quick, ‘Thanks!’ and looked up.

I kept my promise, didn't I?