Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

She can’t help but laugh as she looks down at the little plastic device in her hands, the double pink lines and the little smiley face, seeming to mock her. After all the lies, why should she be surprised at one more? First her powers, her ordinary life, the medications, and now it looks like she isn’t actually sterile.

Lovely.

“Never imagined anyone would want to sleep with ordinary little Vanya, did you dad?” She asked the air around her as her laughter steadily morphed into tears, “Or maybe you put something in those pills to prevent any unwanted accidents.” That sounded like something dear old dad would do. A little insurance to make sure that no more mistakes were allowed into his precious family. Couldn't have her tainting the bloodline any further. Not after she proved herself to be uncontrollable.

She shouldn’t be surprised, but somehow, she was. The sobs that tore through her, her ribs aching with their force, and the way her breath seemed to catch in her lungs made it impossible to deny. How even now, after everything, she thought there were lines that Reginald Hargreeves wouldn’t cross. Lines that Mom and Pogo would have stopped him from crossing. Some part of her still thinking they loved her. Still hoping that they had looked at her and seen a child beneath the monster.

Why did she keep believing in the people who hurt her? The people who let her be caged, and rumored, let her live most of her life in a drugged stupor? Unable to feel anything beyond the endless numbness.

Sometimes she missed it. Feeling nothing. Emotions were hard. Harder than she ever thought they would be, and now she had so many of them.

She could hear the rain starting outside, big fat drops slamming against her window in tandem with her tears, and the lights flickered ominously. The heavy smell of ozone leaking around her as if any moment the storm might burst through the windows and surround her. Her arms wrapped around her stomach, as if she could hold in the force of her feelings, but it only reminded her of being smothered in the arms of her brother. Her breath coming faster as the world around her started to spin.

Control. She needed to get it under control.

If she didn’t they would come for her. Come to lock her up again in the basement cell. Come again to cut her powers off at the source. They hadn’t hesitated to aim their knives and their bullets at her. Even five had wanted her dead in the end. Maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad thing to let them. But it wasn’t just her anymore, was it? No, as she stared down at the little smiley face, her arms tightened. She couldn’t let them punish her child for her sins.

She wouldn’t let another child’s life be ended before it began.

Slowly, she forced herself to take a deep breath, holding it as she counted backwards from ten, then releasing it. She did it again and again, until the rain outside faded to a gentle sprinkle and the lights hummed above her steadily, no more flickering or blinking. She stood, washing her face off as if it might hide the blotchy redness of her face or the dark purple bruises under her eyes.

“Okay, you can do this,” She told the figure in the mirror, “We need a plan, first we need to call to get an appointment with our OBGYN, then we need to notify the director of the orchestra.”

The incident at the orchestra had been labeled a freak earthquake, and somehow none of the orchestra members seemed to remember anything about Vanya glowing or armed gunmen bursting into the room. In fact, the only thing anyone seemed to remember was how well she’d preformed at the show. Orchestra halls across the city and the state had offered to host them while the theatre was being rebuild, funds from various charity events paying for the damages, and after a two week break to recover, they had been on and off the road since.

Thankfully, they only had another two months of performances and then they were off for their six-month break. She doubted she’d be showing by then, and she knew David, the conductor, adored her so much at this point that he would do everything in his power to help her come back for the next season.
Probably the only good thing in her life at the moment. Overnight it seemed she had become a star in the orchestra world. Music had always been her home, and with it she was learning to control her powers.

Though many reviews called her performances glowing, and utterly entrancing, no one seemed to realize she literally glowed on stage.

She would have to hide it from everyone else though. Her siblings had shown their faces at one of her performances, and she had security escort them out the minute she saw them. David had no problem blacklisting them, and until Allison’s voice fully recovered, she couldn’t rumor her way in. She’d even moved apartments, after days of endless knocking and pleading at her door, she packed her meager belongings, called a real estate office and had her old property listed on the market. It sold by the end of the business day, and she bought herself a small two bedroom closer to the orchestra hall. She paid in cash and had it purchased through a secondary company to keep her name off any public record. Turns out you could get a lot done if you had a bank account full of checks from your rich father that you’d never cashed.

After everything the very least Reginald could do for her was to pay for her to start over. For once she didn’t even feel guilty taking his money.

As for her siblings, she simply didn’t want to see them.

Not after they’d locked her up. Not when she nearly killed them, and Mom. Not when she thought she’d killed Pogo. They’d left her voicemails and texts for weeks after, she only listened to one, it was Klaus telling her to come home. That Pogo was fine, and they’d fixed the damage to the academy. She deleted all the rest, and not to long after that she got rid of her old phone number and upgraded to the latest android model.

Now she only had orchestra members numbers in her phone, and the psychologist she made herself start seeing after she stumbled blindly out of the theatre and away from her siblings. Even she knew she needed help. Dr. Baker had taken it all in stride, from her powers to her aversion to medications after what had been done to her and helped her create coping strategies.

Turns out feelings were hard when you’d spent 25 years not having them.

Dr. Baker had to replace her picture frames and mugs for weeks before she just started drinking out of Styrofoam and invested in canvas prints of her pictures. Vanya tried to pay for it all. But Dr. Baker had insisted it wasn’t her fault and that she was being paid well enough to replace a few knick knacks.

She’d have to tell Dr. Baker too. Who knows what pregnancy might do to her emotional-state. But first, she needed to actually verify that she was pregnant and figure out how far along she was.

In the first few weeks following the incident, she had sex with a lot of nameless, faceless people, just trying to wash the feeling of Leonard off her skin.

It hadn’t worked.

Just left her feeling more dirty and ashamed than before.

She forced herself to breathe again, just thinking of Leonard was enough to send her pulse skyrocketing, somehow his body had never been found. But she remembered it all so vividly. How desperate she’d been for him to love her, and then how the red haze of betrayal had taken over when she found out the truth.

Better not to think about it.

She picked up her phone, and dialed, “Hello, yes, I’d like to make an appointment to see Dr. Reade, I need to confirm a possible pregnancy.”

Thankfully, the receptionist didn’t ask any questions, and simply scheduled her for the next day, “No, that’s all, thank you for getting me in so quickly.”

Apparently, it was a lot easier to get an appointment when you were pregnant. It used to be weeks to get in to have a pap smear done. Should have gotten pregnant sooner, she laughed at her own shitty joke, and then went to put the kettle on. She needed tea and time to process.

She knew she was taking this a little too well.

Avoidance, Dr. Baker would say, she was avoiding the implications of this because she didn’t really believe it. But who could blame her? When you spent your entire life thinking you were sterile, and then, just like everything else in your life, that turns out to be a lie. Until she got official confirmation tomorrow she didn’t need to think about it. Still, as the kettle started to heat up, she picked her phone up again, and texted Dr. Baker.

Do you have any space for an emergency session tomorrow after 10am?

Within seconds her phone chimed, Of course, Vanya, I have a window between 1 and 2 tomorrow. I had a cancellation, would that work?

Yes, that would be perfect. Thanks.

Is everything okay?

Not sure yet, but I’ll tell you about it tomorrow. Before you ask, yes, I’m doing my breathing exercises.

Good, if you need anything don’t be afraid to message me before your appointment. Have a goodnight Vanya.

Thanks.

She sighed, putting her phone down, and getting her tea ready. She reached for the chai, before remembering that caffeine wasn’t good for babies, and reaching for her favorite chamomile instead.

Oh god.

She wouldn’t be able to drink coffee if she were pregnant.

How the fuck was she supposed to survive without coffee? Deep breath, deep breath, you don’t even know if your pregnant for sure yet. Don’t panic yet.

She’d have all the time in the world to panic tomorrow. Today, she would drink her tea, watch another episode of New girl on her brand new tv, and then go to sleep. As Dr. Baker always said, wait until you know for sure there’s a reason to panic, and then we can figure out solutions instead of worry about the possibilities.

She could do that.

Just had to get through the night and then she’d figure out what to do in the morning. It would be okay till then.

Chapter Text

The next morning, she got up and got dressed as if it were any other day. Since the almost apocalypse, she liked to think she’d developed a sense of style beyond the lesbian lumberjack look she’d rocked out of a pure desire to melt into the background. Her newfound emotions and powers making her desperate to establish a sense of identity after years of apathy towards everything in her life.

It had started with her going to home goods and running into Lilian, a girl she’d picked up at the bar a few nights prior. Thankfully, Lillian had given her a few great décor tips, even though Vanya had turned down her offer to see her again when she’d left Vanya’s apartment. Lilian’s firsthand knowledge of the space Vanya was working with made things even easier.

So, Vanya had acquired a tapestry, some cute planters with tiny succulents she not-so-secretly adored, a fuzzy rug for her bedroom floor, and a comforter that wasn’t white.

It ended up being one of the softest things she owned.  

She might have also added Lilian’s number into her phone. Turns out there were no hard feelings, and they’d met for coffee and shopping a few times since. That had been the start of Vanya’s renaissance. Slowly her new apartment had acquired paint on the walls, the artwork her students made her accumulated on her fridge, and she acquired a small army of little plants to decorate her window sills and tables.

Her students and their parents had commented favorably on the change. More than one student asking, to the horror of their parents, if she was going to change her clothes next. She’d gotten herself a few hefty tips off those comments, and her students had been extra diligent following their slip ups.

To their credit, their comments had made her question herself, and her clothing. For as long as she remembered she’d picked her clothing purely on how well it hid her from the world. Picking big pieces in muted tones that she could easily match in the mornings. The only items in her closet that she really enjoyed were the suits she wore to concerts.

Now, after a month of acquisition, she had clothing that she felt fit her. Leather jackets, next to boxy suit jackets and sports jackets. Band tee’s, tailored dress shirts and knit sweaters matching up with basics made in the softest cottons, and leggings sharing space with well hemmed dress pants. She also had jeans in every color, and even a pair of leather pants the sales lady at Zara had convinced her she absolutely had to have.

The irony that none of this would fit her soon if she was pregnant didn’t fail to amuse her.

It would mean more shopping, something she dreaded despite how nice the store employees were to her, and for a second she wished Allison were there. Not only because she missed her sister and could use the support of one of the only females in her life. But, also, Allison had been pregnant, she knew what Vanya would need and the things she would be going through.

She could almost picture it. The two of them shopping together, sharing smiles as Vanya modeled some ridiculously colorful outfit Allison demanded she try on.

Unbidden, tears fogged her vision, because that would never happen.

Vanya wouldn’t allow it to. Of all her siblings, Allison was the only one she stayed away from to keep safe. The others had locked her up and tried to kill her, even five who had always been her closest friend. It hurt too much to think about, and she just didn’t want to deal with them. But Allison had watched her concert with a serene smile on her face, even after Vanya had nearly killed her, and she’d argued with Luther to try to free her from the prison in the basement.

Vanya couldn’t risk hurting her again.

“Stop being stupid,” She hissed to herself, “You can’t change it, and if you don’t get dressed, you’re going to be late to your appointment.”

Violently scrubbing the tears from her cheeks, cursing her new emotions and already blaming the baby for worsening her volatile emotional state, she picked out her softest leggings and a creamy cashmere sweater. If this appointment was like the movies, she knew it would involve her belly being slathered in jelly and prodded. This outfit would keep her comfortable and allow for easy access to the parts in question.

With that she pulled everything on, ran a brush through her hair, and put a small amount of mascara on her lashes. She liked the way it made her brown eyes seem bigger without making it obvious that she had makeup on.

Satisfied with her appearance, she left her apartment, stopping by her favorite café down the street to grab a cup of tea and some breakfast. They made all their baked goods in house, and their blueberry muffins were her favorite thing on earth. As always, the Barista Sam, greeted her with a warm smile and asked how her day was. She always tipped well, and after near daily stops here for the past three months she’d established friendships with the majority of the staff.

Though Sam was her favorite.  

They always had a smile on their face that got bigger and bigger the more regularly Vanya showed up, and they were the first one to comment on Vanya’s new style. Even recommending nail polish colors to match the new colors she wore. She still loved it when they wore purple nail polish because it was the shade, they were wearing the first time the two of them really talked. The first time she had really spoken to anyone about something so light and frivolous after things went down with her siblings and the would-be apocalypse.

They also felt so familiar, reminding her of Klaus in all the best ways with their vibrant clothing, and flare for dramatics. When she first changed her everyday style, they had hyped her up, nearly losing their mind the first time she showed up in one of her casual suits.

It had been the first time she felt confident and content in as long as she could remember.

She made sure to slip a few extra dollars into the tip jar when they manned the counter as a silent thank you for their kindness, “How’s our favorite musical genius today? Are we getting our usual? A mocha latte with a blueberry muffin?”

“I’m actually trying to cut back on the caffeine, do you all have any herbal teas?”

“Is the world ending?” They joked, mock horror on their face, “Or are you, my three-shots of expresso on a bad day, actually turning down caffeine.”

She laughed, “I know, its crazy, but my doctors been concerned about my intake lately. So, I figured I’d give tea a try.”

“Well, if the good doctor says so,” They winked, pulling down a small tray of tea with a flourish, “You can have you pick darling, we have ginger lemon, honey chamomile, and citrus kiss. The others all have caffeine in them, I’m afraid, personally the ginger lemon and the chamomile are my favorites.”

Ginger was supposed to be good for upset stomachs, right? The last week or so had been a constant battle with nausea, and even now the smell of Sam’s cologne, something she usually enjoyed, had her gut rolling.

“I’ll take the ginger lemon, can I have some honey with that as well, and a blueberry muffin.”

“Well, at least somethings never change,” They set the teas down, and took her card, “Now if you just wait for a second I’ll have this ready for you in just a second.”

Turns out it was a lot quicker to put hot water in a cup with a tea bag than it was to prepare her normal order, and before she knew it she was wondering to the bus stop with a warm cup in her hands and a half eaten muffin in her bag.

Maybe she could have wallowed in her misery a little longer this morning.

At this rate she’d be almost thirty minutes early to her appointment. But better early than late in her book. Reginald had made sure all of them adhered to strict schedules, and it seemed like Klaus was the only one of them who truly rebelled against the concept. The rest of them seemed to be like her, preferring to show up before they were expected.

Her stomach seemed to settle as she waited for the bus, the ginger working wonders on her nausea. So, she finished the rest of her muffin, and for once felt no need to run to the nearest waste basket to empty her stomach after eating.

She just might have to make the ginger tea her new thing in the morning. She liked the sharp citrusy tang of the tea, and the warmth it provided helped to fend off the lingering chill of the morning. Her bus arrived shortly after she finished her tea, she gave the driver a friendly greeting, and took a seat a few rows behind her, letting the quiet thrum of voices buoy her as they got closer to her stop.

A gentle breeze rustled through the bus as she got off, her nerves making it harder to keep her powers from leaking into the world around her, but her control was enough to keep it under the radar. She rarely lost complete control of her powers these days.

Dr. Baker had given her many tools to help her control her worst emotions. As anger, fear, and sadness were the emotions most likely to cause her powers to react violently.

Anxiety just whistled through the air around her, creating a melody with the branches of the trees above her and the trash that hadn’t quite made it into the bins beside her. The breeze chasing away the stench of the garbage sitting on the sidewalk, and the lingering haze of gasoline from the petrol station across the street.

It made the short walk to her doctor’s office much more pleasant, a real smile pulling at her cheeks by the time she opened the doors and walked in. Her anxiety replaced by the simple joy her powers brought her when she indulged them.

“Hello, do you have an appointment today?”

She wasn’t familiar with the woman at the desk, Dr. Vasquez must have gotten a new secretary since she’d last been here, “Oh yes, I have a 9:15 with Dr. Vasquez, should be under Vanya Hargreeves.”

The secretary, Amanda, if her name tag was to be believed, smiled at her, “Yes, I see it here, well Vanya Dr. Vasquez is with another patient right now, but she should be out to get you shortly, okay? Do you mind taking a seat while you wait?”

“Not at all, thank you,” She gave the woman a small smile, before taking a seat in the moderately crowded waiting room. There was a heavily pregnant woman in the corner, a toddler hanging off her arm, and two other middle-aged women seated nearby. The smell of baby powder, and perfume clung to the room, making acid burn the back of her throat.

She tried to breathe in shallowly through her mouth to distract herself. Her eyes trailing the toddler, a boy, who broke free from his mothers grasp and raced across the room towards the small play area in the opposite corner. The woman tried to call him back, but he paid her no mind as he searched through the small bin of toys, and eventually pulled out a racecar. Which he immediately shoved onto the carpet, clumsily pushing it this way and that. His mother just watched, clearly not having the energy to chase him. Not that Vanya could blame her. The poor woman looked massive and uncomfortable.

She looked down at her own stomach and tried to picture herself that large.

It didn’t seem as if her stomach would be capable of stretching that much. At least she hoped she wouldn’t get that big if she were in fact pregnant and not just the victim of a stomach bug that had lasted for a few weeks.

The toddler continued his antics until a nurse opened the door and called her name. Vanya shot the mother a small smile, before getting up to follow the nurse. She was weighed and her vitals were taken, nothing seemed wildly out of her normal range, no massive red sign forming above her head to proclaim her pregnant.

At last, the nurse settled her on an exam bed, paper crinkling as she shuffled onto it and settled awkwardly to wait. No sooner had she settled her hands across her stomach and closed her eyes, then a knock sounded, “Can I come in?”

She never really understood why doctors bothered asking, they were always in the process of opening the door and entering before anyone could actually respond to their question.

“Hello, Vanya, how are you doing today?” Dr. Vasquez, her brown eyes twinkling as she settled into the rolling chair beside the bed, “Can you tell me about what brought you in today? I hear we think that we’re pregnant.”

Vanya gave a shallow smile, her anxiety returning at full force, “I’m doing okay, I’d been feeling off for the past few weeks, feeling really tired and nauseous all the time. You know that I was told from a young age that I wouldn’t be able to have kids, but I decided to take a pregnancy test yesterday. I’ve been more sexually active than normal, and the test came back positive.”

“Okay, well we can do an ultrasound, and if you like we can also go ahead and do an STD test. Just to make sure everything’s okay on that front,” She liked Dr. Vasquez, she never judged her or acted as if anything Vanya told her was outrageous, “And I’ve found in my time here, that a lot of women are told they may have difficulty bearing children when they’re younger, only to discover that this is not the case.”

Most women probably didn’t have a father feeding them medication that would help prevent said pregnancies. But she tried not to think about it.

“Sounds good, do I need to change?” The nurse had told her she could keep her clothes on for now, but if they were doing an STD test that may not be the case. Dr. Vasquez shook her head, “We’ll start with the ultrasound, which can be done as you are, and then I’ll step out and let you change before we do anything else, okay? Now, I’m going to have you lay back and lift your shirt for me. I’ll warn you now the ultrasound gel can be cold, so try not to jump.”

Vanya did as she was asked, settling back into the bed, and lifting her sweater to reveal her stomach to the world. Dr. Vasquez brought over the machine from the corner and squeezing a glob of cold gel onto her stomach, before picking up a handheld device, and pressing it into her stomach. At first nothing happened, and Vanya thought she was in the clear. Her heart slowing down as the doctor moved the device over her abdomen, not finding anything, but then a steady swishing sound filled the room, and Dr. Vasquez started to smile, “Well, Vanya, it looks like you are pregnant, the heartbeat sounds strong, I’m going to take a few images and we will do some measurement to get you a proper age on the baby, okay?”

Vanya nodded, but she barely heard what Dr. Vasquez said, too focused on the gentle hum of her babies heartbeat. It felt like a miracle. Tears rolled down her cheeks, but for once she felt no need to hide them. Love like she’d never felt before pulse through her veins.

She was having a baby.

Her. Vanya. Number seven. Harbinger of the apocalypse, and musical prodigy.

She couldn’t believe it, but now she had concrete proof. She would be adding mother to her growing titles soon, and somehow it felt like the most important one. Already she knew that she would lay the world at her child’s feet if they asked. She thought she’d be terrified, horrified, at the thought of being a mother. But right now, all she felt was excitement.

“Alright Vanya, I’m going to turn the ultrasound off for now, but I promise I’m going to give you some pictures to take home. Are you going to be alright by yourself for a few minutes?”

The sudden silence as the ultrasound turned off, and her babies heartbeat fell away, startled her, but she gave a watery smile, “I’ll be okay, thank you.”

Dr. Vasquez just smiled back, leaving the room without another word, leaving Vanya alone with her thoughts. Her hearing was significantly better than the average persons since she got off her meds, and she strained to see if she might be able to hear her babies heartbeat without the machine. She thought she heard the faintest rattle from her stomach, but the sound was overcome by all the other noises around her competing for her attention. The chatter of people in the waiting room, the howls of a child in the midst of a temper tantrum, the squeal of tires and the hum of the street, all of it made it impossible to isolate one single sound among the masses.

But it did keep her distracted until the door opened again to admit Dr. Vasquez, “Alright Vanya, it appears that you’re about thirteen weeks along, which means your entering your second trimester already. On top of the STD panel, I’m going to run some other labs to make sure all your levels are good for your current stage. I shouldn’t be surprised at how small your bump is, most women your size stay fairly small until near the end of the second trimester where they seem to just pop one day. So, I expect you’ll follow the trend, but I’ll give you a list of dietary recommendations before you go. We generally encourage a weight gain of fifteen to twenty five pounds during pregnancy. You’ve gained about three pounds since your last appointment with us, which is perfectly normal for your first trimester. From here, we will expect to see about a pound gained every week through the remainder of your pregnancy, okay?”

She just nodded, it was a lot to take in, but she would make sure that she got copies of everything before she left. She did better with written information. It was easier for her to process than things said to her.

An hour later she left the office, a band-aide in her elbow, and a lingering soreness between her legs from the pap smear. She also had a hefty stack of paper in her arms, between dietary recommendations, other health and exercise moderations, and general information on pregnancy, it felt like she was carrying a ten-pound weight in her arms.

But most importantly, she had a series of black and white photos in her wallet.

She only had about an hour and a half before her appointment with Dr. Baker, so she decided to go to the store and look around before her appointment. Dr. Baker’s office sat in a nice little block of shops and offices that held a bookstore and a few small clothing boutiques. As well as a nice little mom and pops diner that had the best soup and sandwiches Vanya had ever eaten. The fact that the older Russian woman, and her husband, who owned the shop, had practically adopted Vanya the first time she went, might have something to do with her obsession. Irina, and Sergei were beyond adorable, and their youngest daughter Natasha, a Ballerina with the famed New York Company, had taken a liking to Vanya as well.

Vanya had a serious weakness for bossy red-heads.

Not that Natasha would be interested in her now, but she counted her amongst her small group of new friends. Irina, surely, would be happy to give her advice on her pregnancy. Irina had carried at least five children that Vanya knew of, and all of them seemed to have done well. At a minimum, Natasha would enjoy teasing her when she got big, and Sergei would try to fatten her up even more now that she was carrying a child.

“I’ll stop by after my appointment,” She promised herself as she wondered into one of the boutiques near the office. An elegantly dressed brunette sauntered up as soon as she walked in, “Hello, can I help you find anything today?”

“Actually, I was wondering if you guys had any baby clothes or maternity clothes?” Couldn’t hurt to look at least, when she first found out Allison was pregnant all those years ago, she’d loved shopping for tiny outfits and little baby shoes. Not that she ever got the chance to give any of it to Claire, as Allison hadn’t bothered to answer any of her calls, and all the packages she sent were returned unopened.

But this time she would be shopping for her own baby.

The little flutter of excitement in her gut got bigger when the sales lady gave her a soft smile, “We do, here, follow me.”

She quickly led Vanya to a section in the back of the store filled to the brim with a variety of baby clothes, shoes and accessories, “Not to brag, but our onesies are the softest around. We have them hand made and sent here from the country, we even have hand knit booties and the softest towels this side of the country.”

Vanya nodded, her eyes already fixed on a tiny onesie embroidered with Winnie the Pooh, as a child mom used to read all the Winne the Pooh books to them. Without thinking she reached out and pulled it off the rack, the soft texture of the cotton caressing her fingers, “Wow, they really are soft.”

“I’m glad you think so, if you have any other questions I’ll be right over there, okay?”

“Yes. Thank you,” Vanya said with a small smile, forcing herself to look up at the saleswoman before she walked away. As soon as she was gone though, Vanya grabbed the other two Winnie the Pooh themed pieces off the wall, and to her delight there was a small pair of baby booties in a soft cream that went with them perfectly. She even found a baby hat with little ears that matched in all. All the tension drained out of her as she searched through the items. Touching everything with a sense of wonder in her heart. The softest breeze rustling the items around her and brushing her hair away from her face.

Just holding it all her made her feel so happy.

She let herself wonder through the isle, stopping to marvel at different outfits and pieces. Though none of them grabbed her as hard as the things she already had in her hands, and after nearly an hour passed, she went to the register to check out.

After her appointment, she would take the time to make a list of all the things she’d need and start to pull out a little more money from her trust to pay for the modifications to her apartment. She didn’t know a lot about babies, but she knew that her apartment would need some work to be baby ready.

For now, though, this was enough to mark the occasion.

She chatted with the saleswoman while she rang her up, and then took her purchases as she headed for the door. She had about twenty minutes till her appointment, and Dr. Baker never minded if she showed up early. She’d cancelled her lessons for the day and didn’t have rehearsal until six. So, with nothing pressing to do, she walked towards Dr. Bakers office, taking the elevator for once, greeting Selene, Dr. Bakers office manager with a smile as she settled into one of the couches in the waiting room. Her small bag, and her papers clutched tightly in her hands as if someone might take it from her.

Shortly after she arrived, the door before her opened and Dr. Baker stepped out followed by a tall man who seemed hunched into himself. She patted his shoulder, and sent him towards Selene, before turning to survey the waiting room, her eyes almost immediately findings her, “Well now, there’s a sight for sore eyes, come on Vanya the rooms ready for you.”

Dr. Baker held the door open as she walked over, and Vanya couldn’t help but smile. The calming scent of lavender and honey that always emanated from Dr. Baker calming her instantly.

As usual, she chose the plush pink chair by the window, and surveyed Dr. Bakers office; with its floor to ceiling windows, it always seemed bright and open. The subdued creams of the walls complimented by the blush pink chairs, and the large cream sofa with patterned pillows strewn across its surface. Her desk was covered in tiny knick knacks and small plants that gave the room a homey feeling. All of it a perfect fit for the tall middle-aged brunette before her, as always Dr. Baker looked elegant in a pale blue wrap dress, silver jewelry glittering in the sunshine.

All in all, everything about this place soothed her.

Dr. Baker shut the door behind her, and moved to sit across from her on the other chair, “How are you doing today, Vanya? I know you asked for an extra session, and I want to make sure you’re in a good place to talk today.”

“Actually, I feel pretty amazing,” She let out a laugh, “Though I think that shock might be stopping all the panic from really kicking in right now.”

Dr. Baker sat forward, her rich green eyes warm as she focused on Vanya, “Well I’m happy to hear that, but what is it that’s making you so sure that you’re going to be panicking? We’ve been working hard on your emotional control, and I haven’t seen or heard of you spiraling in weeks.”

Vanya blushed, “Well, you know when I first came here, I was using sex as a coping mechanism in an attempt to feel close to people. And to forget he-who-shall-not-be-named.”

“Yes,” Dr. Baker agreed, a small smile on her face, they’d decided early on that being able to distance herself from Leonard when they talked about him helped to lessen her instinctual response. So as a joke Vanya had called him lord Voldemort one session, and for some reason it stuck. Bringing some levity into an otherwise rather traumatic situation.

She sighed, “Well, it turns out that assuming your sterile, and not being strict about condom control isn’t the best idea when you haven’t confirmed with a professional that you can’t have kids. I had an ultrasound this morning, and I’m pregnant.”

She couldn’t help the massive smile that spread across her face, not realizing that her powers were quite literally giving her a gentle glow as happiness burned within her, “It’s crazy, but for some reason I’m really excited about this. Dad told me from a young age that I’d never be able to have kids, so I just never even let myself imagine it, ya know? But now, all I’m doing it imagining it, and I want it. I know I should be an anxious wreck about this, and I probably will be at some point. But it doesn’t feel like a bad thing.”

To her surprise Dr. Baker beamed at her, “Oh Vanya, I’m so happy for you, you deserve to be happy and to have the chance to be a mother. There is absolutely nothing wrong with being excited about this. Remember, just because something may cause stress down the road, doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy it in the moment. As long as you’re not hurting yourself or others,” She paused, grabbing a note pad and a sleek metal pen off her desk, “And we can work to set up some strategies now to prevent you from panicking later.”

“Being prepared is the best defense against ourselves.”

She glanced up from the notepad, her teeth glistening as she grinned, “Exactly, because being a mom is stressful. No one is going to lie about that, being pregnant can be very overwhelming as well, but we are going to do everything we can to negate the worst of it. Now, before we get into the nitty gritty of all that, have you given any thought to your family or telling them?”

Her smile died as the chair creaked ominously beneath her, the light dimming, “Well, I’m already planning on talking to David tonight after practice, and I’m going to be telling the Romanoff’s and Lillian soon too. But no, I’m not currently planning on telling my family.”

She looked away, Dr. Bakers open face too much, and turned to stare out the window, watching as dark clouds began to form in the sky, “What’s the point? I don’t want them in my life, why would I want them in my child’s? What if they have powers and the family decides they’re too dangerous too.”

“You wouldn’t even consider telling Allison?”

Dr. baker always made it sound so reasonable. But things with her family were so insanely, unreasonable, that it made her brain hurt.

“No, she has her own problems to deal with, and she probably wouldn’t want to see me,” The barrage of texts and messages from her before she changed her phone number said otherwise. But she couldn’t deal with that, “Allison needs to be protected from me.”

“Does she?” Again, Dr. Baker sounded so calm, it almost annoyed her, “Vanya, I know it doesn’t always feel that way, but you’ve been working hard to control your powers. Even now, its not raining, the clouds are already lightening, and you haven’t come close to break something in over a month. When you first came to me, we couldn’t get through a session without an explosion. I think you need to let go of this guilt you are carrying.”

She felt a hand grasp hers, and swung to look at Dr. Baker, who leaned towards her now face serious, “Vanya, we’ve talked about it before, but what happened with Allison was an accident. You were in an incredibly bad situation, having just unlocked memories of a traumatic childhood event, and were confronted by one of the main players in that scene. You had no control and were being emotionally manipulated by a man who wanted to foster a divide between you and your family. If Allison appeared now, would you hurt her?”

Vanya stood, brushing off Dr. Bakers hand, “Never, I would never hurt her again.”

“Then, why are you having such a hard time forgiving yourself? From everything you’ve told me Allison doesn’t blame you either.”

Hurt and anger burned inside of her, “But the others did, and I don’t blame them. I could have killed her.”

“But you didn’t, and while I can’t speak for your siblings, it seems like all of you were under extreme emotional duress. Everything happened within a twenty-four-hour window, and all of you experienced a barrage of intense physical and emotional trauma. Do you really think they would have behaved the way they did if they had time to think about their actions?”

She turned away completely, as if she could distance herself from this conversation, arms unconsciously wrapping around her stomach.

“I don’t know.”

That was the truth. All her siblings had tried to reach out to her, calling, texting, and showing up at random times to bang on her door begging to be let in. Five had threatened to teleport in, it was the only time Vanya spoke to any of them, telling him that if he did, she would never forgive him.

She never let them in though.

Never listened to the voicemails or read the texts. So, convinced of what they’d say, and so hurt that her entire family had been willing to lock her up and kill her.

But she’d always been the odd one out.

She’d done her fair share of hurting them, mostly with her book, but she’d made little effort to connect with them after she left. Still, it felt safer this way, less risk of hurting herself or hurting them if they just never saw each other again.

“What would you do if you were me? There’s so much bad blood between us all, a lifetime of hurt and pain. Am I so terrible for wanting to push them away?” She turned back to look at the doctor, realizing for the first time that tears were leaking down her cheeks. But no rain pattered against the windows, so she wasn’t completely losing it.

Dr. Baker gave her a gentle smile, sadness glittering in her eyes, “Of course not Vanya, you’re not terrible at all, you like the rest of us are just hurt. Everyone deals with that differently, and you can’t judge yourself based on what I or anyone else would do in your situation. I just want you to really think about this. Raising a child is hard, and while you’ve made incredible progress on building yourself a support network, I just want you to consider whether or not you truly want to cut your family off completely.” Dr. baker dropped the subject after that, and they spent the rest of the session going over basic strategies for the coming weeks. Dr. Baker also requested that they schedule additional appointments to co-inside with her doctor’s appointment from there on out. Her next one was a month from now, so it would be easy to schedule an extra session on top of their regular weekly appointment.

Despite the emotionally turbulent session, she left Dr. Bakers office feeling okay. They’d laid some good groundwork and got some resources for her to check out that would help her in the long run. While she’d been given a lot to think about, she felt better with a plan, and knowing that Dr. Baker would be there to help her throughout her pregnancy.

Now to get herself some lunch, the sunlight burned bright again as she walked towards her favorite café, the smell of homemade bread and rich spices warming her as she strode in. An older woman, with deep red hair with silver highlights framing her face looked up, a smile erupting as soon as she realized who wanted in, “Vanya, милый, it’s so good to see you. Sergei,” She called towards the kitchens, “Our little Vanya is here.”

“Hello Melina,” A blush dusting her cheeks, before the apocalypse, she couldn’t recall if anyone had ever greeted her with such warmth, and it always made her feel indescribably happy, “How are you today?”

Melina ducked out from behind the counter, opening her arms to pull Vanya into a hug, the scent of spices and roses engulfing her, “Oh I’m wonderful, милый, just so happy to see you again. You’re looking good,” Irina drew back, her hands lingering on Vanya’s shoulders as she took her in, “Looks like you need some soup though and some of our famous Borodinksy. I’ll have Alexei pack you a loaf to take home after you eat.”

As if on cue, an absolutely mammoth man burst out of the kitchen, his harsh features softened by a massive grin, “маленькая птица, you’re here,” Irina moved just in time for Vanya to be swept up in Alexei’s arms, she always protested but she loved it when they hugged her, “We have worried! Where have you been?”

She laughed, giving Alexei a gentle pat, relishing the smell of pine and soft spices that always trailed him, “I was here just last week-”

“You usually come at least twice, and it’s almost Friday, we worry, you know this,” Somehow, the gruffness of his accent, which on someone else might sound intimidating, only made him sound like a teddy bear. He gave her one last squeeze before releasing her, “But we forgive you, now, go sit down and we bring you something to eat.”

She hadn’t picked her own meal here in almost two months. Irina and Sergei had declared after her first few visits, that they knew exactly what she needed.

They hadn’t been wrong once.

So, she let them, enjoying the feeling of being cared for. No one in her life except for Mom had ever made her feel that way, and with mom it always felt a little double edged. It wasn’t as if Mom chose to care for them, she’d been programmed to do so.

Melina and Alexei though, they cared for her because they wanted to.

It made a world of difference.

“Now, my little милый, while big bear cooks, tell me what’s on your brain?” Melina slid into the seat across from Vanya, keeping one eye on the shop door in case someone came in, “You seem happy but also lost in thought.”

No doubt Melina had sensed it the minute Vanya came in, “Well, I just found out I’m pregnant.”

Sometimes the best thing to do was just to say it, and from the absolute shock on Melina’s face it had been the way to go. Watching her face morph from pure shock to utter and complete happiness melted her heart. Irina’s crows feet danced as a smile wider than any Vanya had ever seen on her face grew, “Oh, Vanya,” Melina’s hands reached out to grasp hers, the gentle scratch of her callouses almost soothing, “A child is the greatest treasure. Do you know how old the baby is?”

“Thirteen weeks!”

“I knew something was different,” Melina’s grin turned devilish, “I told Alexei you seemed different but he said I’m crazy. Show him to doubt him!” As quickly as it came though, the devilish glint faded, and softness took over again, “We will send you home with extra food today, and I won’t hear a thing about extra money. No twenties in the tip jar, милый, you let us take care of you now. Do you want to tell Natasha yourself? I know you two trouble makers text when you think I’m not looking.”

“Yeah, I’ll text her before practice,” Natasha usually got out of practice around the same time Vanya’s started. So, they often sent little messages to each other during that time.

Nodding, Melina gave her hands one more squeeze, “We will expect you here twice a week from now on, no more skipping days, okay?”

Vanya nodded, and allowed herself to settle in to enjoy the food that would be coming soon. Tonight, she would text Natasha, and Lilian, and talk to David after practice. Maybe after all that she would think about getting in touch with her siblings.

Maybe.

Chapter Text

After stopping the pills Vanya learned that her poker face needed a lot of work. Turns out she’d never been good at hiding her feelings, she just hadn’t ever experienced them fully, and now that she did, well, to say people could read her like a book would be putting it nicely. In the beginning, it seemed that she couldn’t walk ten feet without someone stopping her to ask her if she was alright.

It had been bad for a while.

A perpetual grey cloud hanging over her head as she tried to understand everything that happened. From her powers, to the attacks at the house, being locked in the cell, and almost destroying the world with powers she never knew existed, she'd been dealing with a lot. Dealing with it poorly, but for someone who'd spent twenty five years drugged until emotions were a fleeting feeling. She thought she managed it pretty well.

Though she started the journey alone, she certainly hadn't stayed that way for long. Those first few weeks were what really changed her relationship with her coworkers, as they had rallied around her. People she’d played besides for years without speaking a single word to, now knew her name, and brought her favorite treats to work to share in between pieces.

People who hadn’t even known her name now worried if she wasn’t there or if she showed up later than normal.

How sad had her life been that just knowing people noticed her absence made her heart sing?

Just another reminder of how much the pills-no not the pills-how much Reginald had taken from her. It didn't take long to realize that despite what she thought for years, people actually liked her when she gave them the chance to get to know her. It had been humbling to realize that the people she’d resented for years for ignoring her just hadn’t known how to approach her. Hadn’t know what to do with the wallflower that never looked up from her sheet music. Always missing the smiles or tentative greetings they’d tried to give her.

Always missing everything really.

They forgave her though, folding her into the seams of their lives as if she’d always been there. It felt like overnight she knew all the inside jokes, the family dramas, and the little things about them all she’d spent years too consumed in herself to see.

So, when she showed up to practice practically glowing it felt like the room radiated sunshine right back at her, everyone smiling just a little brighter, the notes from their shared music just a little sweeter, until even David, who typically fell back into stoic Russian silence during rehearsals, smiled as he bobbed along to the notes of the song they were playing. Even the lights of the stage seemed to intensify, bathing them all in warm golden light.

Her powers danced amongst them, a silent accompaniment to their music, and for once not even an ounce of fear tugged at her heart.

Her powers were beautiful, how could she hate them? When everything around her seemed alive with the joy in her heart, chasing away any anxiety lingering in the corners of her mind. For the next two hours she let the music carry her away, pouring her soul and her feeling into every stroke of her bow against her violin’s strings. When the last note died the room erupted into applause and laughter, Tammy the second-string violinist beamed at her, “I’m not sure we’ve ever sounded so good.”

The suggestive tilt of her eyebrows implied heavily who she thought was responsible for the sudden improvement, “Whatever you did before you came to practice keep it up, okay?”

“Or whomever,” Chimed Sebastian from behind them, his hazel eyes sparkling with mischief, several people nodding their agreement.

Vanya felt her cheeks heating, her gaze dropping as she tucked stray strands of hair behind her ear, “It’s nothing like that,” as the group around them erupted into disbelieving laughter, she rolled her eyes, shooting Seb a playful glare, “I guess I just woke up on the right side of the bed this morning. I was going to go home and make some cookies for tomorrow. But since someone,” she shot another pointed look at Seb, “Thought they’d start a new career as a comedian tonight, I guess I’ll just have to eat them all by myself.”

“Oooh, you better apologize,” Tammy told Seb, “You know I will kill for a few of Vanya’s death by chocolate cookies, and I know David would hate to have to find a new first chair for the flutes this late in the season.”

Seb practically threw himself out of his chair, falling to his knees before them, his forehead dipping towards the floor even as he looked up at her with a wicked smile, “Oh please, beautiful Vanya, will you have mercy on a poor sinner liker me, and forgive me? If the wicked demon besides you strings me up and tars me, who will make you laugh hard enough to miss a note during rehearsal?”

She pretended to ponder it, tapping a finger on her chin as she looked down at him, “I’m not sure, what are you going to do to earn my forgiveness?”

“Whatever you asked fair lady, my very blood moves through my body only at your command.”

Before he could reply, David’s voice interrupted, “Dear God, children, am I raising the next Shakespeare company or the city’s most elite musicians? Honestly, Vanya forgive the poor man already, or don’t, but if you show up tomorrow without cookies, I can’t say we’ll be responsible for our actions.”

With a dramatic sigh she threw up her hands. “Fine, fine, I’ll make the cookies, but I’ll be expecting something hot in my hands from you before practice in the morning.”

As soon as the words left her mouth, she knew she’d made a mistake, “I meant like a drink,” the blush on her cheeks only darkened as Seb threw his head back laughing, the others joining in, even David looked to be fighting laughter, “Et tu Brute?” She asked as she tried to smother her insane blush.

“Well, I live to exceed expectation dear Vanya, so expect something hot and heavy to be presented to you on the morrow.” Sebs dark green eyes were practically glowing as he stood, “But as much as I’d love to see how dark we can get those cheeks to turn tonight, I’m afraid that I do have to get home before midnight tonight. So, I bid you all ado, do your best not to cry at my departure.”

“We’ll do our very best,” Tammy responded with a playful eye roll, “I know my heart feels mere seconds away from breaking already.”

He didn’t reply, just reached over to drop a kiss atop her knuckles, “May this favor be enough to get you through till the next time we meet.”

“So…tomorrow?” Tammy asked sarcastically, but Vanya knew she enjoyed the banter. Seb just laughed, grabbing his flute case and sliding elegantly off the stage. As if the spell were broken others around them began to pack up their instruments and slowly make their way to the door. Many stopping to compliment her on her playing, and chat for a few minutes. The praise had her glowing, and she made sure to reciprocate the compliments to everyone who stopped to talk to her.

She never wanted anyone to feel the way she had.

Now, she knew every single member’s name, and made a point to say something positive to them all at the end of every rehearsal. She didn’t notice it, but over the months that little thing had brought them all closer. Their music a reflection of the growing companionship, and many had noticed the way their music seemed just a little more than it had before.

At last, though, even Tammy left her side citing the fact she had to pick her son up from her mom’s house, leaving her and David alone on the stage, “Here I thought we’d be fending off your friends until the end of time.”

She rolled her eyes, “Don’t be ridiculous, they were all just being nice.”

“No, Vanya, I think you fail to see how much they’ve grown to love and respect you. You’ve truly become an invaluable member of the team, but I know you didn’t stay this long to discuss your budding leadership capabilities.”

She shook her head trying to ignore how her heart leaped at his words, “No, you’re right,” she hesitated for a moment before deciding to just spit it out, “I just found out I’m pregnant.”

For a moment she thought David might collapse, but he regained himself, “Well, congratulations Vanya, I didn’t know you were seeing anyone.”

It was her turn to blush and look away, “I’m not.”

“Oh,” David looked as if he desperately wished the floor would reach up and swallow him, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to imply anything with that, but can I ask how far along you are? You know we will do everything we can to accommodate you, and the orchestra does offer a very generous maternity leave, especially for our first chairs.”

“I’m about fifteen weeks along, thankfully the doctor doesn’t think I’ll be showing too much for a while, and I know we only have another two months of shows. I don’t think it will be an issue, but I wanted you to know before I pop.”

David nodded, “I don’t see why it would be an issue, my wife didn’t even start to show until twenty weeks or so, and it wouldn’t be the first time we’ve had a pregnant member preforming. Thank you for telling me, but more importantly, are you happy about this?”

If it were anyone else, she might have been offended at the question, but David’s eyes shown with concern for her. When she was a child, she used to imagine having a father who would look at her like that, and her eyes burned as gratitude for the man before her surged through her, “If you’d asked me a year ago if I thought I wanted kids I would have laughed because it never seemed like a possibility for me. But now,” She paused, trying to find the right words. “Now, I’m so excited to be a mom, don’t get me wrong I’m terrified to fuck it up. But fears like that don’t paralyze me the way they used to.”

“Oh Vanya,” David took her hands, warmth encasing her, “I’m so happy for you, you’ve become a different person over the past few months, and I’m so proud to see how you’ve grown. You’ll be a great mom, and you know all of us will be here to help you along the way.”

She squeezed his hands, tears fighting to slide down her cheeks, “Thank you. I never thought I’d find something like this, and it turns out it was there all along, I just needed the courage to grab it.” The pills hadn’t helped, but Dr. Baker had shown her that she’d played a part in her isolation too.

His hands squeezed hers one last time before he released her, “We will figure this out, and if you need anything let me know. But for now, you should get home and get something to eat. You’re eating for two now after-all.”

As if on cue her stomach growled loudly, blushing she laughed, “Sounds like someone agrees, thank you again David, and I’ll keep you updated.”

He nodded, and Vanya turned to pack her things, she’d gotten down the steps and halfway to the exit when his voice called out, “Oh and don’t forget to make those cookies.”

“I won’t,” She called back, his warm laughter chasing her into the cold evening.

Things had gone so well that the short walk to her apartment felt like seconds, her steps light as she made her way through the city until she reached her apartment building. Even the faded brick seemed brighter, and the door felt lighter as she pushed in. The heat of the lobby felt intoxicating, her body relaxing completely as she headed towards the stairs, practically prancing up them towards her second floor apartment. Having already grabbed all the ingredients for cookies before rehearsal, she couldn’t wait to eat Irina’s leftovers while they baked.

Her mind drifted as she thought about it, and she let it wonder so far that she didn’t see the trap before it slammed shut around her. The warped whoosh the only warning before number five appeared before her, his skin pale, and his green eyes sharp against the dark purple beneath them as he stood before her.

“Five,” she choked out, her hand coming up as if it could slow her thundering heart, “What are you doing here?”

“I think you mean to say, however did you find me five?”

“I wasn’t hiding,” She protested, trying to inch around him towards the relative safety of her flat. He just cocked an eyebrow at her, “I wasn’t, really-”

He’d had enough, apparently, interrupting her without a second thought, “So, what exactly do you call selling your apartment and moving all your things in a matter of hours without telling any of us where you were going? Sounds like hiding away to me.”

Sometimes having a psychopathic genius for a brother was a real pain in the ass. Setting aside the complicated issues between them, she simply didn’t feel ready to see him right now. She wanted time to prepare, to figure out what, if anything, she would say to him. To them. But now that he stood before her, it wouldn’t be long before the rest of them showed up. Imposing on her life as if they had any right to be there.

Instead of saying that she sighed, rubbing the bridge of her nose just once, before squaring her shoulders, “I’m making cookies, if you’re staying, you’re going to be helping, and I don’t permit uniforms in the apartment, so you’ll need to change.”

Given half the chance she’d burn the damn thing right off him.

She didn’t understand why even now, months later, he wore the same uniform. Surely, one of the other could have taken him to get some clothes. But it appeared that Five could still brow beat the others as easily as he did when they were children.

He used to listen to her.

But that time had long since passed.

“Okay,” She’d expected him to argue, but he just popped away. By the time she got into the apartment, changed into a casual top with an apron over it, and pulled out the ingredients he appeared besides her. This time he had on a pair of ill fitted sweats and a NYU hoodie, “I swear to god Five, if you stole those off someone we are going to fight.”

He didn’t even bother to look remorseful, “I let him have the uniform, I have plenty at home. Honestly, I did what you wanted; I fail to see the problem.”

“The problem, five, is that it’s not considered nice to steal clothing from people. Regardless of if you give them some in return.”

He just shrugged, “Whatever, they’ll survive the trauma.”

She let it drop, Five while incredibly intellectually gifted had the emotional intelligence of a doorknob. Being that he had none. Instead, she pushed the cookbook at her brother, she didn’t need a recipe anymore, but she knew he’d appreciate it. It had been years since they’d cooked together, but she fell into the old patterns like it were yesterday. Her body forgave more easily than her mind ever would, and it liked having her brother close again. Even if her mind felt completely untethered.

Silently, and seamlessly, they baked together. Her brother for once not attempting to broach the silence or demand anything from her. It almost felt nice. But she couldn’t fully relax, her happy mood from earlier slowly evaporating under the weight of the memories. Her favorite brother who’d been so ready to kill her. Who hadn’t been there when they’d locked her in that cell. Who hadn’t fought for her or believed her. Who dismissed her as ordinary, as nothing, as casually as one might mention the weather. The brother she’d spent years desperately wishing for, who finally came back to her, and promptly abandoned her for more important things.

Her brother who never loved her as much as she loved him.

God.

Sometimes she wanted to drown in the bitterness, the anger, and she felt her powers stirring. But she shoved them down, letting her muscle memory take over as she struggled not to lose control.

Who knew what the man, and he was a man despite the childs body, beside her would do if she lost control. Would he kill her? Ending her life and her baby’s life before she even got the chance to tell him that he’s going to be an uncle. Or would he knock her out like Luther had, his skinny arms just as effective as Luther’s massive biceps and take her back to the suffocating silence of the cell.

She didn’t doubt they’d rebuilt it. Improved it even.

No way they wouldn’t. Not with her wondering the streets by her lonesome, a ticking time bomb just waiting for the right reason to explode.

She heard the dishes quivering in the cabinet, her powers reacting to her rising anxiety, she felt more than saw Five tensing besides her. She forced herself to breathe, focusing intently on dolling even spoons of batter onto the backing trays. Pushing aside all the others thoughts until her mind emptied of everything but the task in front of her. It took a while but her heart began to slow, the sweat beading on her forehead cooling as she relaxed ever so slightly. By the time the cookies were all laid out on the trays she'd regained completely control of herself. Just a few minutes in her brothers presence she already felt more out of control than she had in months.

It didn't feel fair. But as Dr. Baker always told her, "Life isn't fair, and if it were no one would be happy. Because all of us are flawed, and happiness or success isn't something we win. Its earned like everything else."

Now she just had to work to earn a little more peace and happiness in her life. So, she handed Five on tray, and took the other, carefully placing it into the oven with a sigh of satisfaction. With that done, she turned the timer on, and grabbing the food from Irina she got it heating up on the stove. Irina had left her enough for at least two days, and plenty to share. After a few minutes, she pulled two bowls down from the cabinet and filled them with the steaming stew. She threw two pieces of the thick black pumpernickel into the toaster and grabbed some whipped butter from the fridge.

“Grab us drinks?” She asked as she brought the bowls to the table and went back for the bread. Five complied without a word, filling two cups with ice water and following her to the small breakfast bar she typically ate at.

They ate in silence, apparently five enjoyed Irina’s cooking as much as she did because he tore into like a starving animal, “Good?”

He froze, the bread he’d been using to mop up the last drops of stew from the sides of his bowel drooping, “Its adequate.”

She laughed, such a typical response from her brother, “I’ll pass it on to Irina, I’m sure she’ll be happy to know that you approve.” She knew it had been dangerous to break the silence, but the cat was out of the bag now. He knew where she lived, and at some point, or another they’d have to talk. She refused to let him be in complete control of the when.
With a dignified huff, he plopped the last piece of bread into his mouth, and then he set aside the bowl, turning his full attention to her. His green eyes felt dangerous, in a way they never had before, as he surveyed her, “I’ve been looking for you for months now. I thought someone had taken you.”

The Commission had been quiet, and from the little she knew she had no doubt that’s what he assumed had happened.

“Well, as you can see, I’m in one piece and unharmed so there’s nothing for you to worry about. You can tell the others I’m fine. Did you need anything else? If not, don’t feel obligated to stay.”

Surely, he had other more important things to attend to.

He always did.

Now his gaze sharpened into a glare, “Clearly, you weren’t listening. I’ve spent months searching for you. What about that makes you think an hour is going to be enough to send me on my merry way?” His gaze softened, “Vanya, I’ve been worried.” The words seemed to physically pain him, as if admitting that he cared at all felt unnatural.

It probably was.

She tried hard to taper the bitterness as she responded, “Why would you be worried, you wanted me dead not that long ago.”

Regret she learned took many forms, and as the words hit her brother like shards of glass, she felt it spread across her skin like ink. He drew back, as if he could shield himself from the words, his gaze dropping and some of the fire that always seemed to burn within those emerald eyes dimmed.

“Vanya, I-”

She interrupted him, the inky blackness unable to smother the words that poured out of her even as the regret swallowed her, “You what? You didn’t want to kill me? Then why were you trying so hard to do just that. I lost myself in a power I had no understanding of, traumatized and afraid, and all you could think to do was hurt me. I’m not really surprised the others agreed to it.” She let out a bitter laugh that seemed to erupt out of her, “They never really forgave me for the book, or for the crime of being ordinary for all those years. But you, I honestly thought you loved me, I spent years wishing for you to come home to me. Wishing to have my friend back so that I wouldn’t have to be so painfully alone. Turns out you weren’t any different from the rest of them. So, please, five, tell me why you’re here so I can give you whatever it is you need and then you can leave me behind, just like you always do.”

Each word seemed to strike him like a blow, until her brother seemed to have shrunk before her eyes, the man fading away until he looked every bit the thirteen-year-old boy. He wouldn’t even lift her head to look at her, his hands clenching and unclenching at his sides.

The silence between them stretched for seconds and then minute before his head came up, his eyes so full of emotion she couldn’t bare to look at them for fear she would drown in their depths. She looked away as he finally found his voice, “You’re right, I’ve been a terrible brother, I won’t lie about it. I’m obsessive and compulsive despite my best efforts. I let myself miss the oblivious, too busy chasing theories to see what was right in front of me.”

she couldn’t look at him, but she heard the way his voice cracked on the last word. Her own eyes squeezing shut as she tried not to be affected by it.

“But it was a mistake, Vanya, and I want to the opportunity to correct it. I want to earn your forgiveness. I thought about you too, often, in the years I wondered the wasteland you created. You kept me going in moments I would have otherwise given up. I’m sorry I didn’t do the same for you when you needed me to.”

That made her look up sharply, in all the years they’d know each other she’d never heard him apologize. Not even once. He looked so broken and desperate, his eyes a raging void of emotions even as his face remained as composed as always.

“I haven’t told the others where you are, and I won’t if you don’t want me to. But please,” her heart squeezed at the word, “Give me a chance.”

She wanted to say no, to shove him out of her door, and hide from the feelings his mere presence brought to the surface. But she promised herself that she would never hide again. Not from herself or anyone else, and so she looked at her brother again. Trying to find any signs of deception or hidden motivations, but she only saw him.

The brother that she missed so desperately it still stole her breath.

She knew what she had to do.

“Fine Five, I’ll give you a chance, but it won’t be easy. You hurt me, in ways I’m not sure you’ll ever be able to understand, and you need to work to earn my trust back.”

He looked shocked for a second, before his mask fell back into place, “Of course, just tell me what to do and I will do it.”

“Well, you can start by doing the dishes,” She told him with a faint smile, she learned to love cooking and baking, but hell would freeze over before she enjoyed doing the dishes, “We can take things as they come from there.”

He shook his head fondly, his trademark smirk back in place, the storm in his eyes calming as he spoke, “Good to see something haven’t changed. You always made me do the dishes before-”

She waited for him to say more, but he just started to collect the dishes all the before’s hanging in the air between them. But in that moment hope bloomed in her heart, filling her with warmth as she watched her brother navigate her kitchen with ease. As if he’d been there a thousand times, as if he belonged here with her.

Who knows, maybe he did.

Chapter Text

It had been two and a half weeks since Five popped back into her life, and she knew her life wouldn’t be the same without him. Before he left the first time, he’d tentatively told her he’d be back in two days, she’d expected him to whirl away the moment the words left his lips. He never liked waiting. Always impatient with a world that seemed to move at half his chosen pace. But instead, he lingered, looking at her until she nodded making herself dizzy with the force of the motion. The way his eyes lit up just before he teleported away would be burned in her memory forever.

Happiness looked good on him, and it made her own heart sing with joy to know she caused it.

After that he showed up regularly for dinner, always letting her know when he would come next and waiting for her to tell him okay before he left again. But a week or so in, the day after their third shared meal she left practice and found him leaning against the wall of the theater. When she’d given him a look he just shrugged and told her he’d been close by. Tammy had raised her eyebrows from besides her, as if asking if she needed her to walk her home. It still made her smile, but she just shook her head, “It’s my brother?”

The question in her tone didn’t seem to reassure her friend, but she’d let them walk off alone despite the hesitation written on her face. As soon as they were out of ear shot, she elbowed him, “Seriously Five? They all know I asked security to keep you guys out. Everyone’s going to interrogate me in the morning.”

He only rolled his eyes, “It’s past dark, and I happened to be in the area. You should be thanking me for taking time out of my very busy schedule to walk you home. I already placed an order at your favorite place for us to pick up on our way home.”

Her heart stuttered in her chest, and she looped her arm through his without thinking, “Well since you happened to be in the area, I guess I shouldn’t complain.”

Later when they were finished eating, and Five got ready to leave, she stopped him, “Thank you, Five, and if you ever happen to be in the area again, I don’t mind the company on the way home.” Thus, the tradition was born, and even on nights he didn’t stay he waited for her outside the theater. Everyone at the orchestra teased her about her newfound shadow but seeing how happy it made her no one really pressed her on the matter. As Seb said when Tammy wouldn’t let it go one night, “Family is complicated, dear Tammy, Vanya will give us details when she’s ready.”

Now, she stopped, almost tripping over her cart, when she saw fluff on the shelf before her nestled between the peanut butter and the Nutella. Smiling she pulled down two jars, grabbed some peanut butter and even a jar of Nutella. In case the other hadn’t thought of it, Five needed to be introduced to Nutella.

She also grabbed some new fancy coffee and a little French press. No matter what Five said, aside from Allison, he’s the bougiest of them all. Turning his nose up at things he thought were too pedestrian.

These would be perfect for him.

Before reaching the checkout, she grabbed a few more things for him, and made sure to get enough food for two since he came over most nights for dinner at this point. He wouldn’t be coming over today, the weekend being the only time she never saw him, but she couldn’t stop smiling when she pictured his face when he saw the treasure’s she found today. The checkout lady gave her a big smile, her joy must be infectious, she’d seen this lady glaring only seconds before, “Well look at you honey, how far along are you?”

Vanya’s felt her eyes widening as she looked down at herself, nothing looked different, her comfy sweater hiding her growing bump, “I-how did you know?”

“Oh honey, I’ve had six, a woman just knows,” The woman responded with a laugh, as she rang up Vanya’s items, “I take it I’m the first person to guess?”

Nodding Vanya placed a hand on her belly, “I’ve only told a few people, and thanks to the current weather it’s been pretty easy to keep it to myself. My doctor thinks I have a few more weeks before I really pop.”

“Well, I’ll look forward to seeing it, as tiny as you are honey, I think it’s going to be quite impressive.”

“I hope not,” Vanya couldn’t help but laugh, “I’m already having to look for new pants, and if I get any bigger nothing’s going to fit me.”

The woman just laughed again, giving Vanya the name of a few maternity stores that were decently priced as she handed her the receipt, “Good luck sunshine, and have a good day, okay?”

Despite the fear that hit her earlier, her return smile came easy as she waved goodbye, and left the store with a frankly horrifying number of bags. As happy as Five’s presence in her life made her, she could live without the extra groceries. Not because she didn’t love feeding him or how at ease he seemed to feel in her home. But merely because even the half mile walks back to her apartment felt like forever with the weight of double the groceries and the growing pain in her lower back.

“Fuck it,” Huffing, she flagged down a taxi, piling in the back with all her groceries, and let herself relax on the short drive. She made enough money to spare the expense and she still had to lug everything up to her apartment and put it away. So really, she deserved this!

“Have a good day Miss,” the driver called as she started climbing her apartment steps, struggling to open the door with her hands so full. Thankfully, one of her neighbors was leaving the building just as it started to get frustrating, holding the door open for her. They ran down the stairs before she could thank them. Shrugging she made her way up to her second-floor apartment, opening the door with a bit more ease, and setting the groceries down.

Reaching into the first bag, she nearly dropped the jar in her hand when the familiar crack of Five’s teleporting sounded behind her, “Five, I wasn’t expecting you today, not that I’m complaining. Think you can help me with the groceries?” She asked, turning towards her brother.

Her smile shuttered as she took in Five’s appearance, his eyes were shifty, the circles beneath them dark enough to look like black eyes, and his skin looked drawn, “Five-”

“Vanya,” Her name sounded like salvation, even as his features tightened, and she swore tears were building in his eyes. Movement caught her eyes, her hand reaching out towards him, when she saw that his hands were fists at his sides, opening and closing as if he could hide the way they tremored. He flinched away from her hand, running a hand through his hair as he took in the hurt, she couldn’t hide, “Vanya.”

He said her name again, but nothing else. She kept staring at him, waiting for her to say something else, but he didn’t. His shoulders collapsing, his eyes skittering between her face and the door as if he might run away.

She didn’t move afraid that the slightest motion would cause him to leave, “Five, please, what’s wrong?”

His features shuttered, and this time she knew she saw tears gathering at the corners of her eyes, “Vanya, I don’t understand,” His voice got louder with each word until he was practically shouting at her.

Instinctually, her shoulders hunched, and she fought not to drop her eyes to the floor, “What don’t you understand?” She whispered, unsure what to do with the sudden and frightening outburst.

“I don’t understand you. I keep coming here, waiting, for you to punish me. Waiting for you kick me out and to tell me you never want to see me again. But you just keep acting like everything is okay, like nothing happened, like you don’t hate me.”

Somewhere in the midst of his monologue he’d started to pace, his hands alternating between clenching his head until his fingertips went white or running through his hair as they tremored uncontrollably, “The first night, you told me the truth, what changed. Why won’t you tell me how angry you are, why don’t you hold me accountable. You said I had to work for it. To work to earn your trust, but you just let me back into your life without doing anything. Every time I leave, I expect you to tell me to give you space, not to come back so soon. But instead, you nod as if you’re happy to have me here. I even showed up at the theater, a place you expressly told us never to come back to, because I knew that would be what it took to break the façade. To make you tell me the truth.”

He looked at her then, despair and anger turning his eyes a molten green, “Instead you let your friend leave, and walked home with me. You never said anything about it, just accepted it, I don’t understand Vanya. I hurt you, it keeps me up at night, how willing I was to kill the only person who ever understood me.”

“You were the only one who never doubted me, who never gave up on me, and I would have put a bullet in your brain. You can’t fathom how many people I’ve killed. How much blood I have on my hands. But I promised myself a long time ago I would never hurt my family. Swore if I found my way home to you, I would protect you with me last breath. But I would have killed you,” The last part came out as a whisper, her brothers legs seeming to fail him as he fell to his knees, his hands clenched in his hair as he folded in half, “I would have killed you.”

The shaking of his shoulders, and the ragged nature of his breathing pulled her into action, dropping to her knees before him, she slipped his hands from his hair until they were clenching hers like a lifeline instead, “Five, I had no idea,” Her own breath caught in her throat as tears started to slip down her face, “I had no idea you were hurting like this.”

Using all her strength, she tugged at him, until he sat up enough for her to pull him into a hug, “I forgive you, Five, I forgive you. I love you so much, and I know you wouldn’t hurt me. You could have killed me that night, but you didn’t. You didn’t, okay?” His whole body shuddered, she pulled him even closer, his face mashed against her chest, the spot where his head lay growing damp beneath him, “We all hurt each other, we all made mistakes, but I can’t hold that against you. I don’t want to spend my life pushing you away.”
“I waited for you for so long,” The tears were coming faster now, and she rocked them, ignoring the way the wood dug into her knees, “You’re still my best friend, and I didn’t realize how much I missed you the last few months until you were back. I didn’t argue because I didn’t want to scare you away with how happy you’ve made me the last few weeks. I was angry for a long time, I won’t lie, but I can’t spend my whole life angry. I won’t.”

She let the quiet stretch after that, holding her brother tight, it might have been minutes or hours, but his shoulders shaking slowed, and his breath started to even out. Though his fists never released the back of her sweater.

He started to stiffen then, and she released him knowing that he must be realizing how much he’d just said. She couldn’t think of a time in their entire lives he’d ever said so much. Even as small children he kept his feelings tightly controlled. Around Ben and her, he let a little more show, but he never ever let himself cry in front of anyone.
Crying, after all, disgusted Reginald Hargreeves like nothing else. A weakness he despised in his children, demolishing the confidence of any of them who dared to shed a tear before him.

It took her years to master her own tears. To will emotion far away.

Five never had that problem.

Until now.

Rubbing his eyes he stood, looking away as he offered her a hand, pulling her to her feet with surprising care. Sensing his embarrassment, she knew a topic change was in order if she wanted to avoid him leaving to avoid facing it, “Well, now that’s out the way, do you want to help me unload the groceries? I got you a few things.”

Relief bloomed across his face as he realized she didn’t intend to force him to talk, “Okay.”

To her surprise, he gave her a watery smile before he opened the bag closest to him. They put everything away in silence, it didn’t feel awkward though, instead something that had been lingering between them seemed to have dissipated leaving only warmth in its wake.

Catharsis.

As Dr. Baker said, sometimes you had to get things out or they turned into poison. Ruining a good thing before it had the chance to grow.

Five should probably see a therapist.

Hell, all of them should.

It had done wonders for her, and between the six of them, they could make someone really, really, wealthy. Maybe she’d mention it to Five the next time he came over, once he’d had the chance to digest what happened here today. He might bite her if she brought it up now, and to be honest, she felt pretty worn out from the whole thing herself.

Crying always made her exhausted.

“What’s this?” Her hand stilled, looking up she saw that Five had found the bag with the Nutella, fluff, and peanut butter jars.

Excitement raced up her spine, giving her a little burst of energy, “Well I saw the fluff at the store today, and I thought maybe I’d get some so if you ever come over and I’m not home you could make yourself something to eat.”

He looked at her for a second as if she were a bug pinned to the wall, before a smile erupted, “Are you inviting me to come over anytime I want to, Vanya?”

She blushed, shrugging, “I mean, I was going to talk to you about it before, but now that we’ve done the whole feelings thing, I figured you might be a bit more receptive,” She hesitated now, looking away from her brothers’ sharp eyes, “I know you have a home with the others at the manor, but you’re always welcome here if you want to come over.”

“As if I’d want to be with those idiots over you,” He huffed, rolling his eyes when she dared to look up, “I barely tolerate them on a good day. On a bad day I’m one step away from murdering myself just to get away from them.”

Laughing, she resumed putting away the last bag of groceries, “Well next time you’re considering that just come over here instead, okay?”

He nodded, the smile slowly morphing back into a smirk, an expression which looked more natural on him, “I’ll think about it.”

She glanced at the clock over Fives shoulders, “Oh fuck, is it really four?”

Five turned, sensing her panic, “Why?” His voice sharpened as the color drained from her face.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” She chanted, trying to figure out what to do, “Nat’s going to be here any minute and I haven’t done anything.” The original reason she’d gone to the store today instead of going on Sunday like normal was to get stuff for the dinner she’d planned for them. But she meant to have it done by now. Apparently, the whole Five’s-mental-breakdown thing had eaten through the two hours she’d given herself to prep and cook.

As if the universe read her mind, her buzzer sounded, and Natasha’s smokey voice rang through the apartment, “Are you going to let me in or what солнечный свет? It’s cold out here.”

“Who’s that?” The dangerous glint in her brothers’ eyes hadn’t disappeared, if anything it intensified upon hearing Nat’s voice.

She quickly buzzed Nat up, and turned to her brother, “That’s Natasha, we met a few months ago, and you need to be nice if you’re going to stay.”

The way he looked at her didn’t seem to promise anything of the sort.

A knock at the door pulled her away before she could say anything else, “Coming,” she called dashing towards the door, unlocking all the locks, Nat had insisted she needed three, and swinging open the door a smile already forming, “Natasha!”

The smile on her friend’s face turned into a frown as she looked her up and down, “Have you been crying, V?”

“Yes, but it’s nothing, I promise, please come in,” She opened the door wider, letting her friend in, Natasha pulled a large bag from behind her, and the smell of her mother’s cooking wafted in from the hall, “Did you bring me food from Melina.”

Natasha strode in like she owned the place, stopping short at the sight of Five leaning against her counter, looking cool as a cucumber, as if he hadn’t been crying on her twenty minutes ago, “Of course I did, my mother wouldn’t let me come here without enough food for a small army. Now, who is this?”

Vanya laughed nervously at the charged looks being exchanged by her two best friends, “Well, this is my brother Five, Five this is Natasha Romanova, she’s the principal ballerina at the New York Ballet.”

“Pleasure,” Five said, prowling towards them with a smile cutting across his face, “Let me take those for you.”

Natasha’s eyes glinted as she passed the bags to Five, “Strange, I swear Vanya told me her family wasn’t speaking to her.”

Vanya gulped. She loved them both, but they also terrified her.

She really didn’t want to clean blood out of her new rug, time to redirect, “Well, it’s perfect that you brought food, I bought all the stuff to make us cabbage rolls and blintzes but I lost track of time.”

“Did something happen?” Natasha’s eyes never left Fives, “Not that it matters, Mother Melina packed all that and more for her favorite child.”

Fives eyes narrowed, “Nothing happened, I just popped by to talk to her,” smirking he shrugged, “I guess talking to me was more important to her.”

Oh god.

Why did her brother have a Deathwish?

“Nothing like that, stop trying to die Five, and grab some plates. Does the food need to be heated up?” She asked Nat, trying to get her to stop murdering Five with her eyes. The steam still billowing up from the bags told her that the food didn’t need to be reheated. But kill her for trying to break the tension.

Nat shook her head, eyes finally tearing away from Five to look at Vanya, a smile returning to her face the minute their eyes met, “No, you know it’s fresh, now come here I haven’t gotten to greet you properly yet.”

Smiling herself, Vanya rushed forward, allowing Natasha to pull her into a tight hug. Her whole body relaxing the minute Nat’s lithe arms wrapped around her. The sharp floral smell of her friend tangled with the crisp smell of autumn that still lingered on her blood red cashmere sweater, “I missed you,” She whispered into her friend’s chest.
Despite being a dancer, her friend still towered over her at a solid five seven. Even Five had grown taller than her. But she couldn’t muster the normal irritation at being the smallest person in the room now. She had her two favorite people together in her apartment, how could she be mad? Even if they seemed ready to fight to the death for her favor, she didn’t care, happiness burrowed into her soul.

Five cleared his throat, “If you’re done smothering my sister, maybe we could eat? Vanya didn’t eat lunch today and I’m sure she’s hungry.”

How Five knew that she didn’t know, but Natasha released her, “солнечный свет, is that true? We talked about this, now that you’re pregnant you can’t skip meals.”

Fuck.

Fuck.

Fuck.

Vanya stared at her friend in horror, the silence threatening to drown her, the blood drained from Natasha’s face as she realized that Five didn’t know, “Five,” Vanya croaked, turning to look at her brother.

“You’re pregnant?” Five looked shell shocked, his hand braced on the counter as if it were the only thing keeping him up right.

“Surprise?” She said, doing the saddest jazz hands in the history of jazz hands, “You’re going to be an uncle!”

Now he really looked like he might pass out, “An Uncle? Holy shit.”

“I’m so sorry,” A hand slipped around her waist, as Natasha came up beside her, “I thought he knew.”

“Wait, does that mean she,” Five pointed accusingly at the redhead, “Knew before I did? What the fuck Vanya?”

She had never wished for the floor to swallow her whole more than in that moment, “Well, technically I told Natasha before you started coming back to see me, and I don’t know. I thought it might scare you away, and things were so weird between us. I didn’t want to tell you until I was sure you weren’t going to leave again.”

He looked crestfallen for a moment, before he got his emotions back under control, “Wait, how pregnant are you?”

“Almost twenty weeks,” She replied, an awkward laugh leaving her, “I have a doctor’s appointment next week actually. If you want to come?”

He stared at her belly now, as if he expects a baby to burst out any second, “You’re almost five months pregnant, and you’ve been walking home from work alone every night,” He paused, “And you carried all those bags by yourself.”

He would fixate on this.

“and you didn’t EAT today, you,” He pointed at Nat, “help me finish getting this ready, you” He pointed at her now, “Go sit down, not feeding my niece, unacceptable,” He was muttering to himself now, but she could still clearly hear him.

She looked up at Nat, but she just smirked, “Sorry V, you heard him, go sit down we will bring the food to you,” Almost as an after thought she whispered, “He’s growing on me.”

Oh god.

If the two of them started to work together she wouldn’t have a moment piece. Natasha already treated her life spun glass, and Five, despite his thick out layer of sarcasm, was the biggest mother hen in existence. What had she done? She should have kicked Five out the minute Nat buzzed.

“Well, go sit down,” Five, who must have teleported behind her, told her as he pushed her towards the small kitchen table, “Me and the redheaded demon will be bring the food shortly, and we will be talking about this later.”

Terror filled her, but she pushed it down walking towards the table and sitting down quietly. Her attention now fixed on the kitchen as Natasha and Five moved about seamlessly.
They thought they were being subtle, but she smirked as they shoved each other around trying to get to everything first. When they both reached for the plates at the same time, she thought there might actually be bloodshed, “Please, отродье, I brought the food, I’ll bring V her plate.”

Five glared, “She’s my sister, ведьма, so let me.”

For a tense moment they just glared over the plates, before Natasha pulled away, “Fine, but only because you asked so nicely.” The sickly-sweet tone in her voice sent shivers up Vanya’s spine, but Five just flashed a smile dripping with insincerity as he served her an absolutely enormous plate of stuffed cabbage rolls, veggies, and thick slices of the dark bread Melina made fresh every Saturday.

Her mouth might have been watering, but even so, she didn’t have a hope in hell of eating that much food, “That’s a lot.” She muttered when Five put it in front of her.

“You’ll finish the whole plate-” Five started, staring at her with a near manic intensity.

“or else,” Natasha finished, looking like the cat that got the cannery.

God save her. They’d started already.

“Okay.”

No point in trying to fight them. She would only lose. Picking up her fork she started to eat, a small moan escaping her when the first bite burst on her tongue. No one, not even Mom, could top Melina’s cooking.

“See that right there is why your momma’s favorite,” Natasha said as she sat down across from Vanya, normally she sat beside her but Five claimed that honor first.
Vanya just shrugged, stuffing another fork full in her mouth, maybe she had been a little hungrier than she thought. Beside her, Five took his first bite, and out of the corner of her eye she saw his eyes widen, before he started shoving food in his mouth so fast, she worried he might choke.

Natasha smirked as she swallowed her first bite, “I take it you like it, отродье.”

Without slowing down, Five flipped her off, before choking out with a full mouth, “It’s alright.”

In sync, Natasha and her burst into laughter, as Five glared at them though the look didn’t hit as hard with his cheeks pushed out like a chipmunk. In fact, it only made them laugh harder. Eventually, Five swallowed and even he let out a small chuckle.

That seemed to break the tension, and for the rest of the meal Natasha and Five traded friendly barbs while they ate. Before she knew it, she’d cleared her plate, pushing back from the table to accommodate her growing stomach, and sighing contentedly.

“Do you want anymore?” Natasha and Five asked at the exact same time.

Rolling her eyes she shook her head, “If I eat anymore the baby won’t have room in there,” They both looked as if they were about to protest, so she held up a hand to stop them,

“Plus we still have blitzes to eat with tea later. So, you both can relax, okay?”

The fought over dishes, having shoved Vanya unceremoniously onto the couch, Natasha watching Five with eerie focus as he made Vanya some ginger tea. Then they battled over who would prepare the dessert and who would bring the plate. At some point during it all, Vanya felt her eyes drifting close, the sounds of vicious Russian and muttered curses the best lullaby she’d ever heard. The next more she woke up in her own bed, a fuzzy blanket that smelled of Natasha and Five wrapped around her. Sitting on her bedside table was a covered plate of dessert and a note telling her, in Five’s spidery scrawl, that her tea sat in the microwave waiting for her-and not to touch the dessert before she drank it- little bastard must have guessed about the nausea that continued to plague her in the mornings.

She might never get over the warm feeling that erupted in her chest every time she realized people loved her.

With a smile on her face, she got out of bed, changing into snug tank top, the cling of the material making oblivious how far into her pregnancy she’d gotten. Sometimes draped in sweaters and scarves she forgot how strange it felt to look down and see her belly. But on Sunday she had no where to go and no need to worry about anyone finding out her secret so she decided to enjoy a relaxing day in her apartment.

As an after thought she grabbed the plate, and headed into her kitchen. She’d only just started heating up her tea when a firm knock sounded at the door.

Strange. She didn’t think anyone would be visiting today. But maybe Natasha forgot something last night?

The knock sounded again, this time more insistent, “Okay, Okay, I’m coming,” She called hoping to avoid a headache from the noise. That would not help her to relax.

Another knock sounded right as she got to the door, “Nat, I fucking love you, but was that amount of noise necessary this-”

The words caught in her throat as she realized, far too late, that the person standing before her, hand raised to knock again, was no in fact Natasha. In fact they were the furthest thing from Natasha in the world, and suddenly she felt very much like throwing up. Fear slithering up her spine as she stared blankly at them, and they seemed just as dumbfounded as her.

“How did you find me?”

Chapter Text

In the moments before she’d made the mistake of opening her door, her powers had been dancing against her, the brush of the wind, the melody of her soul bursting from her. It had been the kind of moment that brought a bitter sort of happiness. Happiness that she had such amazing powers, that the music she’d always felt in her soul tasted freedom without the pills to cage it within her. But the bitterness came from the knowledge that she spent years of her life feeling nothing, but the faintest glimmers of the power encased within her.

Years thinking of herself as nothing and no one.

But she’d learned to live with the bitterness years ago, and it did nothing to dim the happiness that she found in the past months. Happiness that shattered into a thousand pieces as she opened her door and came face to face with him. The sweet symphony coming to a sudden crescendo, the gentle breeze turning into a rattling gale sweeping out into the hall with enough force to knock him backwards. The part of her heart unleashed that night, thrilled at the look of fear that flashed across his face, but the rest of her recoiled. Tightening like a fist against her powers until they died down to the softest of whispers. She kept it ready in case he made the mistake of thinking he could finish what they started all those months ago.

“What are you doing here? How did you even find me?” She demanded, one hand coming up to protect her vulnerable belly, the other settling into the space between them like a warning flag.

His eyes dropped to her belly, widening ever so slightly before coming back up to her face, “I-I-I-I-”

When they were children, she’d always been the only one to give Diego time to get his words out. The others, coached by their father’s cruelty, belittled him and made fun of his stumbling words. But as the one person in the house who never got an ounce of compassion or kindness, she alone smiled at him and waited to give him all the time he needed.

Now though.

Now the well of good will dried up and she felt nothing but anger burning inside her, “You what?” She snapped, “I told you all to leave me alone, what about that is so hard for you to understand?”

“V-Vanya, p-please, I didn’t k-know-”

“Didn’t know what?” It took everything in her not to send him hurtling down the stairs, “Didn’t know that I wouldn’t want to see you? Honestly Diego, I don’t think there will ever come a time where I’ll be happy to see you. Not anymore. Not after everything you’ve done.”

The vicious part of her delighted at the hurt that colored his features, before the anger took over. Bingo. Triggering his rages used to scare her, but now she wanted him angry. Pathetic how little it took to make him forget himself, “Wh-What I-I did? That’s r-r-rich coming from you V-Vanya!”

“Oh yes, you’re so right Diego, I wrote a book and spilled all your dirty little secrets. I’m such a monster. Not as if any of you did anything to deserve it,” She narrowed her eyes until they were slits, watching him take the words like blows, “But you did deserve it, didn’t you? All those years of treating me like garbage, like I didn’t exist, never bothering to check on me or wonder if I needed you. Years of thinking you were better than me for something that you were born with. I always wondered if a part of you enjoyed knowing that you would always be better than pathetic, powerless, number seven merely for existing with powers while I existed with nothing. Since you would never be better than number one or as beloved as number three or as smart as number five, at least you would always be better than me. Better than the junkie and the sad little boy with monsters in his chest too. Did you really think none of us noticed?”

“But that’s only the tip of the iceberg, isn’t it? There’s something else, isn’t there? Wonder what it could be?” She paused, tapping a finger against her chin for dramatic effect, “Oh yes, there’s the minor detail of you all locking me in a cage in the basement. Did you know that Dad built it specifically for me all those years ago? Built it to block out all the sound until the only thing I could hear were the sound of my own breath and the pounding of my heart? Any idea how crazy that makes you? Not being able to hear anything when your powers are based entirely on sound and emotion. But that wasn’t enough, when I managed to escape the hole you all threw me into without looking back, what did you do next? You didn’t find me to try to help me. Didn’t care that I’d been manipulated, attacked, abused and hurt by the only person to ever show me the slightest amount of interest. You didn’t care that I was withdrawing from a cocktail of drugs meant to suppress every feeling inside me and now I was dealing with years of repressed emotions and fear. Did you even stop to think about what it might have been like for me? I came to you all for safety, for help and you just hurt me.”

Watching his face fall with every word felt like poison, but she couldn’t stop not after the first word burst forth. Some part of her knew that doing this here and now did nothing to help either of them. But she didn’t invite him here. He chose to come. He deserved this as much as the rest of them.

Maybe more.

“Any normal person would think you might have stopped there, might have seen the pain and the fear on your own sisters face and thought you’d gone to far. But not you, or the others, no you saw the way I lost control and decided not to help me. Because when have you ever wanted to help me, not when there was an option to tear me down. No, you guys decided that the only way to stop me would be to kill me.”

She knew without a mirror that her eyes were an icy white as she stared him down and delivered the killing blow, “Tell me, Diego, did you hesitate at all before trying to kill me? Did you think even for one moment about trying to help me?”

She stopped herself from saying more, quelling the sea of words threatening to drown her beneath their weight, and looked at him. Waiting for him to say the words that would ruin any chance of fixing this broken, rotten thing between them.

He stood there for a long moment, something broken in his dark eyes, then he sighed, brushing a hand over his face, before dropping it like a dead weight at his side, “V, I didn’t come here to fight. H-Hell I didn’t even know you w-would be here.”

The old nickname sent a shockwave of pain through her core, the hand against her belly now relaxing enough to rest against her growing bump. Memories, unbidden, of that year at nineteen where they’d found each other and tried to be something like family rushing through her brain at lightning speed. Sometimes it felt as if those happy moments happened to someone else. Because everything between them had grown so toxic that it didn’t seem as if anything good had ever existed in the space between them. Diego’s anger and her loneliness creating a battlefield of cruel words and bleeding wounds so intense it felt insurmountable.

Peace hadn’t felt like an option in years.

“Five’s been acting weirder than normal, disappearing and reappearing happier than I’ve seen him since he got back. The others tried to get him to sp-spill, but he just acted like he had no idea what we were ta-talking about. So last week I followed him, and I saw him walking into the building. I saw enough to know he came to t-this floor, but I couldn’t follow him up. So, I decided to check it out, try to figure out who or what he’d been going to see. Yours was the third door I knocked on. G-guess I solved it, huh?”

She laughed, though it didn’t sound happy, “Yes, I suppose you did, maybe you should try again for detective after all.”

“N-Not much of a d-detective if I c-c-couldn’t figure out the o-o-one thing that makes Five happy is you,” He replied with a shrug, “I just figured he’d finally gotten his own place to do his crazy equations in. B-but I’m sorry I came here Vanya. I-I kn-know you don’t want to s-see us. If I-I’m honest, I don’t blame you,” He paused, letting his eyes fall down to her belly once more, “E-especially, if you haven’t been just packing on the pounds recently.”

“No, not getting fat,” She replied with a laugh, “Just working on making a human.”

For a second something like delight flittered across his face, before his gaze dropped to the floor, “I’m-I’m happy for you V, really, I-I am, and I’m s-s-sorry I burst in on you like this. Look, forget I ever came, and en-enjoy the rest of your Sunday.”

He started to turn away, shoving his hands into his pockets, shoulders hunching as if the cold outside already tugged against him. He was just doing what she wanted, so why did it feel so wrong? Her heart clenched watching him get closer and closer to the stairs and further away from her. Further away from the warmth of her little apartment, and all the happy memories she’d created there. Memories she suddenly wanted to share. Dr. Baker always said there’s a catharsis in telling the truth when you’re used to lies. Maybe now they could have an honest conversation, with all the cards on the table, what was there to lose, really?

“Diego, wait,” A smile tugged at her lips as she watched him turn so fast that he tripped, righting himself quickly as if nothing happened, “Do you want to come in? You came all this way after all.”

He tried to look nonchalant, but she’d seen him stumble, “Yeah V, I’d like that a lot.”

“I was just making some tea; do you want some? Or I could make some coffee, I can’t drink it right now, but I keep some handy for whenever Five and Nat come to visit.”
Stepping aside she let him enter her apartment, fear that he would find it lacking tugging at her though she tried to ignore it, “It’s not much, but its home,” She told him, trying to deflect any negativity that might be directed at it.

To her surprise, he smiled as he looked around, toeing his shoes off before stepping further into her apartment, “No, I like it,” She saw his eyes lingering on the pictures hung up in the living room, pictures of her and Nat curled up together, Five pouting as they slung their arms around him, pictures of her with Seb, Pam, and the rest of the orchestra. But the picture that seemed to stall him out sat nestled in between them all. A small black and white sonogram picture, “So, you’re having a baby?”

He didn’t turn to look at her as he spoke, just walked closer to the picture, his hands hovering before it without moving to pick it up, “Yeah, I haven’t told many people, but it won’t be long before it’s hard to keep it to myself.”

She didn’t feel ready to talk about this with him, things between them still felt raw and chaffed, and they hadn’t really fixed anything. One outburst and an apology bitten out in the hallway didn’t magically erase years of hurt between them. But Dr. Baker told her that sometimes positive change felt the most dangerous, because it meant letting go of familiar patterns.

“H-how far along are you?” He asked, tearing his eyes away from the photo to look at her, one hand resting on the table in front of the sonogram.

“About twenty weeks,” She paused, taking in her brother once more, before gesturing to the picture, “You can look, if you want, and you didn’t answer, do you want anything to drink?” She wanted her tea, just the smell of it wafting from the kitchen had saliva pooling in her mouth. The doctor had warned her that cravings would be hitting in full force around this time, and she really really wanted that tea.

He hesitated, “Yeah, coffee would be fine. Th-thanks.”

“No problem, do you still take it black?” She started towards the kitchen, reaching to grab the coffee beans and the grinder out of her cabinet. Out of the corner of her eyes she watched him pick up the picture, staring at it with an intensity she only saw when he had a knife in his hands. When he hadn’t responded by the time she had the coffee beans prepared and brewing, she turned back to him, “Diego?”

His head snapped up, “Y-yes?”

“Coffee Black? Or did you want cream and sugar?”

“Bl-black is fine,” He replied, before returning his attention to the picture, giving her ample time to grab her tea out of the microwave. Curling her hands around the cup a sigh of pleasure escaped her at the warmth still emanating from the mug. She took a big gulp before pulling down another mug for Diego to use. By the time the machine beeped, she had finished most of her tea, and so she abandoned in on the counter, pouring a large cup for Diego, and then settling into one of the chairs at the table.

As if the chime of the machine summoned him, he placed the picture down and strode into the kitchen. Grabbing the mug, he hesitated, “You can sit anywhere,” She told him watching as he stood frozen for a minute before taking a seat at the table across from her.

“So,” She breathed when the silence seemed to stretch to the point of breaking, “How have you guys been holding up?”

From the pained look on his face it might not have been the best conversation starter, but to her surprise he still answered, “Patch got out of the hospital a few weeks ago, and we’ve been seeing each other since,” He paused, shifting in his seat his gaze settled on the mug in front of him, “She wants me to go back to the academy.”

“Are you thinking about it?” Despite everything, she wanted him to succeed, she had thousands of memories of him sneaking detective books, listening to him stumble through the Miranda rights, and even the one-time mom made them all Halloween costumes. Nine-year-old Diego had never looked so proud as he did standing there in the police uniform Mom had hand sewn for him.

Not that dad let any of them wear them.

He found them all trying them on and made them burn them one by one. The ashes had mixed with her tears and the look of devastation on her sibling’s face as they stood stoically before the flames felt burned into her memory. That night was one of the last times she felt any sense of comradery with them. No one made fun of her for crying, and they’d stood in front of her so that dad didn’t see her tears. It surely would have meant a beating, verbal or physical depending on dads mood.

God, sometimes she forgot how shit their Dad had been to them, and how hard Mom had tried to give them something to cling to.

“I applied a few weeks after that night, I didn’t tell her in case they rejected me,” He paused, eyes flashing to hers for a second a glimmer of pride there, “But I got in, I start in a few weeks.”

She couldn’t help answering his tiny smile with one of her own, “That’s great Diego, are you going to tell her?”

He shrugged, “Probably just come home in my uniform.”

That did sound like a very Diego thing to do, “I’m sure she’ll enjoy that.” She didn’t know Patch well, but the few times they met Vanya thought she seemed wonderful. Her cool calm the perfect counterbalance to Diego’s blunt temper. When they thought Patch had died she had been devastated for her brother, but she never checked on her after they got the news she made it to the ICU. She really should have done that, “I’m really glad she’s doing better, is she back at work yet?”

Like Diego, Patch gave off natural born detective vibes, and seemed most at home in her uniform. It felt wrong to picture her doing anything else. Like a note of discord in an otherwise calm piece.

“She’s on desk duty, still got months of PT before the Captain is going to let her back out in the field. It’s making her stir crazy”

“I can imagine, she always seemed like a go getter,” She paused, wishing she’d poured herself more tea if only to have something to do during these awkward pauses, “Are you staying at the house then? Five told me repairs were finished a while ago.”

He nodded, not saying anything as he took a large gulp of his coffee, clearly, he felt the tension too, “That’s good, I’m sure Moms happy to have you back,” No one could deny that Diego would always be number one in Moms heart, not that it ever stopped her from loving the rest of them, but they had a special bond, “I-”

“L-look V,” Setting down his mug, he looked at her, “I k-know I messed up, and th-things aren’t right between us. Fixing it is-isn’t going to be easy. But Patch opened my eyes, I’ve b-been wanting to make things right be-between us for a while now. What I did,” He looked away then, something dark flashing across his face, “It w-was unforgiveable, I should have fought L-Luther harder when he pu-put you in that cage. I’m supposed to b-be your older brother and I tried to kill you.”

She just watched him, the way he curled his hands into fists to hide the trembling so like Five, and the way his eyes slid between her face, the table, and the small sliver of her belly peaking up over the edge of the table. She didn’t know if Diego had ever spoken so many words in a row to her. Maybe when they’d been in that band together, and he used to get drunk after their set, carelessly throwing his arm around her shoulder and tugging her close as if they were best friends. Drunkenly spilling a world worth of secrets into her ears, and crying when she rubbed his back when he inevitably threw up in the dirty bathroom stalls.

She doubted he remembered doing it, but every morning after he would buy her a breakfast sandwich. A silent thank you she used to think before it all fell apart.

“I didn’t co-come here thinking I’d find you, b-but I’m glad I did. You’ve built something a-a-a-mazing here and I want to be a part of it. Hell, you’re having a baby and I didn’t even know,” The devastation on his face reminded her of the time they ran into each other after Claire was born, and the shared hurt bonded them for a second before the reality of the book broke things between them again, “I don’t want things to stay like this. I’m t-trying to be better, fuck, Patch has me in therapy now. It’s been good for me.”

She couldn’t stop herself, interrupting him for the first time, “Me too, I’m doing therapy too, and its been really good. Taught me a lot of things about myself I didn’t know. I’m trying to be better too. Not just for me, but for the baby.”

It felt strange to admit that out loud to someone who still felt like an enemy to the darkest part of herself. The part that spent too long desperate to be close to him, to share things with him, and to not be so fucking alone.

“I’m not asking for anything but a chance here V. A chance to make things right, to be a part of your life again. I want you to meet Patch, to see Mom again, and for them to get the chance to know your kid too. Please, V, wh-what do I need to do?”

The look he gave her seemed to sear into her soul, for a speech he prepared on the spot, it hit pretty hard, “Diego, I don’t know what to say.”

“S-say you’ll think about it.” He stood, “I s-scared you showing up. Don’t decide now. Five has my number, you can text me if you want to. If I d-don’t hear from you, I’ll have my answer.”

She watched him take his mug to the sink, rinse it off, and then put it into her dishwasher as if he’d done it a thousand times. He shoved his shoes back on, turning to look at her once before he opened her front door, “Th-thanks for the coffee, V, and for not blasting me down the stairs.”

With that he left, his word echoing in her head like a gunshot. She never thought she’d hear him, any of them really, apologize for what happened. Take responsibility for letting her down, and actually giving her the choice. All her life her siblings, even Five and Ben, took from her without ever asking if she wanted to give. It felt like her whole axis had turned. Before she could hesitate, she texted Dr. Baker to ask if they could meet for an emergency session. A part of her already knew her answer, but she needed to talk it out. Needed to make sure she wouldn’t be giving too much ground to people who pulled it out from beneath her all too often. But resting her hands against her belly, imagining the little life building there, she knew she wanted them to grow up surrounded by all the love she never had. Her baby deserved everything, and it wouldn’t be fair to hide them from the only family she had to give them.

Maybe she needed to give her family a chance. Five had surprised her, now Diego had blind sighted her, maybe she should give the others the opportunity to do the same.