Archive of Our Own ^beta

If you told Dave a year ago that he had a loving (if a bit crazy) boyfriend, in a relationship which he didn’t have to hide, he wouldn’t have believed you. Although that thought isn’t as crazy in comparison to being in the future and the fact that his boyfriend, can not only see ghosts but was raised in a crazy cult-like superhero family.

In Dave’s opinion, the oddest thing out of the whole family is Five. This is saying a lot considering the fact that Klaus has a robot mom and a monkey (chimpanzee?) butler, but Dave has good reason to think this.

Five acted like his grandpa and all of his siblings called him an old man, Klaus later said that he was 58 (then he would be 59 now?), however, he looked like a young teenager. Dave had never mentioned it, he would like to keep his eyes where they were thank you very much, but he often finds himself observing Five. He finds that Five does in fact (unknowingly) act like a teenager. He will slam doors, roll his eyes when his family is doing something stupid, and stay locked up in his room. Dave rarely sees him out of his room and if he isn’t there he’s doing something to prevent an apocalypse that might happen 

When Dave brought this up to Klaus, the man said to not worry about it “that’s just normal for our little Fivey” 

So needless to say he was a little shocked and confused when Five popped (teleporting his mind supplied) in front of him.

“I need you to get a decent fucking cup of coffee” shoving his little finger in Dave’s face as well as studying him

“Uhhh-” Dave managed out before Klaus came into the room like his knight in shining armor.

“Fiveeee,” he whined, “stop torturing my boyfriend, he already got the shovel talk from everyone!”

Before Dave could think back on that terrifying memory, Five interjected 

“I was not torturing him.” he rolled his eyes “Vanya is at practice and GI Joe over here is the only normal one available to act as a parent so I can get a decent cup of coffee”

“Awwww, Five if you also wanted to call Dave daddy you could have just said so.”

While Five’s face contorted to one of disgust and Dave’s face was quickly turning pink, Klaus sauntered over, acting like he didn’t say anything.

“I don’t mind taking your brother out to get a cup of coffee, babe. I’ve been wanting to bond with your siblings for a while.”

Five grinned (which looked kind of off on his 14-year-old face)  while Klaus cursed him for his kindness.

“I’m coming with you!!” Klaus accidentally yelled in his ear as he was getting up.

“No.”

“C’mon Five! He’s my boyfriend and if he is putting himself in danger by being your weird fake-parent, I want to be there too!” after Five resigned himself to his fate, Klaus added “And being your fake parent is fun! I love seeing that look on your face when you know you can’t lash out a slash someone’s throat when they call you adorable.”

Before Five ended up slashing Klaus’s throat, Dave came in.

“Well, let’s go… to whatever place I’m driving you  to”

Five looked up at him “You won’t have to worry about that, I’m driving”

“But you look Fourteen!”  

“Hasn’t stopped him before, and besides I can’t drive and you don’t know modern cars”

“They can’t be that different” Dave intertwined his fingers with Klaus’  “Besides, I think this is the perfect time for me to learn, to ya ’kno,  not make us look like irresponsible parents and get a call from CPS?”

“Dave.” Klaus stared into his boyfriend’s eyes “I’m going to give you the best sex ever tonight.”

“Fine! He can drive!” Five squawked “as long as you never say those words in my hearing vicinity again”

And with that Five disappeared in a flash of blue, with Klaus and Dave meeting him in the car.

-------------------

The ride to the cafe Five directed him to was not as bad as Dave was expecting. Klaus filled the silence with anecdotes and jokes, that made Five unknowingly crack a smile or two, while Five gave him directions like Dave’s supervisor used to give him back in ‘nam. 

As Klaus and Dave exited the front seat, Five slinked out of the backseat. Actually acting like the teenager he looked like. 

The cafe itself was cozy and smelled nice, reminding him of his Ma’s cooking. There were a few other customers and only two baristas on staff, making him feel even more at ease.

The trio walked up to the counter which gave Dave to chance to look at the menu. He didn’t understand half of the drinks (What the hell was a Frappuccino?) Klaus noticed his confusion and took that as a sign to order for him, Five, and himself.  Five would like to have done it, but he knew from experience they wouldn’t take him seriously if he ordered a black coffee.

The girl at the cash register wrote down their orders while Five ended up paying

“He likes to feel responsible.” Klaus interjected at the girl’s odd look at the cash in the hand of a child whose “parents” were standing right next to him. 

The girl just nodded and told them they could sit down and wait. 

“Fivvvveee, why couldn’t you have given one of us, wait, scratch that, why couldn’t you have given Dave the money so that we didn’t look like shoddy parents.”

Five rolled his eyes “I would like to keep some of my pride left”

“Hey, if anything we look like good parents. Teaching our kid responsibility and all!”

The brothers rolled their eyes at his optimism, Klaus fondly, while Five’s was...not so fondly. Before either could vocally respond, their table was approached by a woman and her child. The child looked to be around Five’s physical age if a bit more mouse-like, while the woman seemed friendly as if they were close friends and not complete strangers. 

“Hi! I am so sorry for interrupting, but it has gotten rather crowded and Andrew here,” she gestured at the child “ is rather shy. So we were wondering if you wouldn’t mind if we could sit with you three. Let the boys become friends and all that” and she was right, the cafe had gotten a lot busier since the arrived.

Before Five could say something rude, and probably mildly disturbing, Klaus brightened up as if this was the best day ever “Oh we would love to have you! Five here needs  more friends.”

“Five?”

Dave jumped in before he could get them in an even more awkward situation.

“It’s a nickname, his real name is Feival... It’s a family name.”

The woman’s eye dawned in understanding as she sat beside them and Andrew sat beside Five, a bit more awkwardly.

The woman didn’t miss a beat and started chatting with them. Klaus enjoyed this immensely, while Dave was just happy Klaus was happy.

“Oh, here I am talking about me! I haven’t even asked about you two” Cathy- they had exchanged names early on in the conversation- exclaimed.

“What’s there to tell?” Dave spared a glance at Five who looked down-right murderous “We are just a simple family on a small outing.” They had gotten their drinks a little while ago and Five almost jumped out right then and there, but they were trying to remain “low profile”, or as close as you can when you’re with Klaus.

“Well, what do you do for a living? If that’s not too personal?” she leaned forward slightly, excited as if they were about to tell her a great secret.

Dave decided to keep it as close to the truth as possible, while still trying to seem like a sane family to this normal woman and her child.

“Oh, I just retired from the military so I am sort of looking for a job right now.”

Klaus, not wanting to be forgotten, added on, “ I am a stay-at-home dad! I would do just about anything for my precious little Fivey!”

The man tried to reach over a ruffle Five’s hair but he quickly dived out of the way with a faint snarl.

“Kids, they grow up so fast don’t they?”

Dave was surprised to find out he said that, getting too comfortable with the ruse. Klaus just looked at him with a big smile and mischief in his eyes. Five glared at him from across the table, probably thinking that he should have left Dave for dead.

Cathy seemed to be oblivious of this interaction between the "family" and just laughed with a bitter-sweet smile.

“That they do.” she glanced at her son.

Five, probably having his limit of human interaction for the day, spoke up.

“ Dads, we should be leaving now. I have that school thing remember?” he was mainly staring at Klaus as if daring the man to contradict him.

Before Dave or Klaus could respond, however, the woman apologized.

“Oh, I am so sorry! I must have taken enough of your time today.”

Dave let out a light, if awkward chuckle, “It’s alright ma’am,” Klaus must be rubbing off on him (in more than one way) because he added, “Do you want to exchange information? So the kids can get together?”

That wasn’t a lie exactly. Five and Andrew seemed to have been getting along fine, mainly keeping to their own conversation. Five tried to seem disinterested throughout their conversation but everyone could tell he was actually interested in the boy, platonically speaking.

Klaus just about made out with him right there while Five just glared at the door, willing it to come closer so he could leave even faster. Cathy smiled as if he just made her day and eagerly agreed.

While Klaus took the time to do the exchange, as Dave still wasn’t accustomed to the future and the things that were prevalent to share, Dave led the disgruntled ex-assassin out of the cafe.

Dave began to sit down by the curb to wait for Klaus when Five spoke up in the softest tone he had ever heard from the guy.

“I did not expect to like today. I didn’t really expect to like you. In all honesty, I really wanted to have alone time with you. Your intentions with Klaus so to speak,” he sighed “but after that experience back there I can tell you truly care for him and are, in a way, perfect for each other. Dumbasses”

“Thanks, Five, I really appreciate that. I liked hanging out with you.” Dave smiled resisting the urge to cry, trying not to think about the reasoning behind his emotions.

As if a switch in his head had been flipped, Five’s mask shifted back into place and he looked at the other man. “However, if you so much as think about hurting Klaus, I will gut you like a fish and make you eat your own organs,” Dave gulped. “Also don’t tell Klaus we had this conversation. Got it?”

Dave just nodded and sighed with relief when Klaus finally exited the building. The eccentric man grabbed both of them into his arms as he led them to the car.

“I hate this family,” Five said, lacking any true conviction, and climbed into the car.

As they both watched him do that Klaus sighed and walked to the passenger seat of the car, “They grow up so fast, don’t they?”

“Yeah, they do.”

As Dave got into and started the car he can’t help but think of how he loves Klaus’s family almost as much as he loves the man himself.