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Alone in the shoddy cobblestone home, the lone beauty atop an uncomfortable bed silently woes the lack of warmth in her slender fingers.
Moments ago, there were scarred and rough fingers firmly grasping her smooth and pale ones, they were no longer. She missed them so, she missed their cheeky and enthusiastic owner, Natsuki Subaru. The man who had done so much for her maledictive self, without asking for anything in return. The man who continued to tell her the words she had wanted to hear the most, and it was precisely because he continued to utter such saccharine realities, that she had wretchedly clung unto him so incessantly.
And perhaps it was because she had let him become privy to just how scrofulous she truthfully was. That the abhorrence she showed him at the Capital when she rejected his thoughtful heart out of timidity was only the start of it; that every state of her being was miserable beyond understanding, everything about her: from her feared half-elven lineage to her cowardly personality.
So that Subaru chose to abandon her was reasonable— rather it was natural, that deadweight got cut off, is just how things go. All she was doing was leeching off his charity, she could no longer deceive him without Puck, who seemed to tire of her as well. All she was doing was lip service without results, so even if she lied so well she deceived even herself, she would eventually be seen through and appropriately tossed to the side, that she may be trampled on, perhaps it were her atonement for being born such a blight.
— So why was she so hopeful, so sure, that Natsuki Subaru, the boy who deserved so much better, who ought to throw her away like Puck did, would come save her once more again.
Even though he promised to hold her hand all night, it was so selfish of him to leave her alone, her heart woes. Even though she knows that leaving her is the natural choice, she petulantly wants to keep him by her side.
Just why didn’t he stay by her side, so she could convince herself to entrust everything to him. So that she may no longer hurt people with her decisions, so that she could protect her heart from that grief, so that she could merely enjoy the warmth of his touch.
The complexities of her heart wavered, she prayed that she may be abandoned, so she could finally remove the heavy weights in her heart in atonement, but even so...Loneliness, it was such a painful thing, now that she had been shown kindness by so many people, even if she only managed to hurt them, letting go...it was too much to bear.
Being held gently, hearing her name sweetly called, they were all such desirable things, even if she wasn’t suitable for them, wasn’t it too cruel to take them away from her? She misses that motherly warmth, that simple place of smiles, being embraced, being loved, being cherished by all. That tender place.
I miss you, Mother For..tu..who?
Immediately after gaining awareness of her thoughts, her head began to spin round and round and round. Just what exactly was happening in her brain. Memories were spilling out screaming and howling, begging that she didn’t forget them…memories that shouldn’t exist.
That biting chill, the pale frost, familiar figures of ice, her body trapped in glaciation.
Vivid images pouring are pouring and she’s fighting to keep them out, because these memories surely aren’t hers. For her, all that’s existed is her and Puck, so if she accepts this memories...doesn’t that mean everything she’s known is just another pleasant lie.
These memories, no these lies, aren’t they the result of the trial she took in that witch’s graveyard? That her head is being split, spinning around in circles, jumping around and jumping around, isn’t that the result of the trial?
—Then I don’t want to take them anymore! I don’t want to ever see that world trapped in white! I hate it! Hate, hate, hate it! I don’t want to remember the hands that gently held me close, or the words that were bathed in such a sweet tender love, because my heart won’t ever be able to take it! I don’t— don’t deserve to hear such kind words from people I’ve surely let down!
Tears leaked out the girl’s splendid amethyst eyes, and quiet sobs she was determined to leave unheard fell out her thin pink lips. That such deplorable thoughts were what lay at the depths of her heart made her despise herself so much more.
Seeking the solace in abandonment and fearing loneliness, just what exactly did she desire? Her own obvious hypocrisy appalled to her, perhaps the only thing she was sure of in this world was her own wretchedness. Another bawl fell out the half-elf, she was unaware of it, but just every bit of her appearance possessed an undeniable beauty. Despite that, her thrashing body and the constant wails she was determined to remain unheard made it all so apparent: that all this was merely the pathetic whine of a timid child remaining stagnant. Even during this busy night, many putting all on the line, all for her sake; she still remained as unmoving as ever.
—Subaru, why couldn’t you save me like you always did...you y,you liar!
Dreaming that she may be relied on, that she could be trusted and believed in, wasn’t that so deplorable of her?
— Even so, even if it’s deplorable, depraved or disgusting, was her being born...just why was it a sin? Why was she born this way, why must she be punished for existing!
As per usual, she does not know the answer.
So Emilia, who had deceitfully peeked to see whether the boy carrying many burdens would abandon her, forced herself to bed. She would sleep, and if she woke up and found that her beaming savior was gently clasping her fingers, smiling kindly at her with cherishing eyes, despite their natural sternness, she would pretend that this night had merely been a nightmare, entrusting all to Subaru, locking these feelings that must remain untouched in the depths of her fragile heart. Such a weak resolution was the only answer Emilia, whose heart was on the verge of collapse, could bear.