Chapter Text
[the marauders]
peter: um
peter: guys
james: good morning
james: my head is pounding
james: but i have a pretty lady nursing me back to health🥰🥰
regulus: i can literally hear her yelling at you from the common room
james: STFU
james: anyway
james: what's up pete?
peter: i was going on a morning walk with remus
peter: and he pointed at a stray cat
peter: and i got scared
peter: and dropped the map into the black lake
sirius: WHAT
regulus: ?????
james: BRO
peter: remus is so mad u guys he came out here with me to clear his mind but now he looks ready to hex me into december
james: PETER YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE THE MAP ANYMORE.
regulus: "clear his mind'?
regulus: sirius what did you do
sirius: ME???
regulus: no the other sirius
regulus: OBVIOUSLY YOU
sirius: I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING TOSSER
regulus: yeah i'm not convinced
sirius: oh fuck off and worry about ur gf not saying she loves you back
regulus: after i walk her to breakfast i'm coming back and murdering you.
sirius: GREAT CAN'T WAIT
sirius: PUT ME OUT OF THIS MISERY
james: okay but no fr what happened?? i woke up just as they were leaving and remus looked sooo
sirius: sooo??
sirius: so what??
sirius: happy??
james: sick
sirius: oh great
sirius: cool
sirius: brilliant
peter: oh god what did you do
james: DONT SPEAK RN PETER.
peter: u guys are lucky moony left his phone in the dorm
peter: ur welcome for that btw
james: 😒😒😒
sirius: i may or may not have declared my undying love for him last night
regulus: IM SORRY WHAT
sirius: GOD I AM SO HUMILATED ACTUALLY
regulus: i would like to see this
regulus: because i know for a fact you did not just make fun of me since macdonald didn't say it back when we're literally in the same boat
sirius: oh shut it.
james: come on padfoot
james: show us!!
sirius: ughhh
sirius: [screenshot]
peter: IM PEEING
regulus: you just made me spit up pumpkin juice
regulus: fuck you
james: LMFAOOO
james: i'm sorry sirius
james: that's so embarrassingly funny
sirius: IM LITERALLY ENDING EVERYTHING
[wannabe spicegirls]
lily: how is marlene feeling?
dorcas: she's okay
dorcas: she's still asleep
dorcas: she just bruised her foot😭😭
dorcas: in love with an idiot
hestia: aren't we all
emmeline: aww thx sugar plum☺️☺️☺️☺️
HESTIA HAS LEFT THE GROUP
mary: im glad shes okay
mary: we got her some flowers
lily: yeah but we didn't know if pomfrey would let us in at this hour
dorcas: she barely let me in
dorcas: i had to literally beg her
dorcas: you guys can leave them at the door i'll get them for her
mary: i will after breakfast
lily: yeah mary has them i'm still nursing james back to health
lily: freaking stupid asshole
emmeline: LMFAOOOO
lily: he drinks so much
lily: and then has the audacity to complain about HIS headache
lily: like excuse you i was the one babysitting your idiotic self all night
lily: he's such a baby
lily: but he's so cute god dammit
mary: THIS IS SO FUNNY STOPP
dorcas: just watched you go through the five stages of grief in 30 seconds LMAO
emmeline: I CANF BREATHE
mary: okay quick topic switch
mary: how do i tell reg i love him back
lily: you say
lily: i love you too
marlene: and then lord farquad will show up and lock u in a tower
marlene: and he'll come rescue you
marlene: with a true love's kiss
marlene: then everyone clapped!
lily: MARLENE
mary: i think you messed up the timeline of shrek but you know thats fine
marlene: hey whores
marlene: but yeah be like wowww ur soooo great in bed and i think
marlene: yeah idk how to flirt with men good luck with that
mary: 😐😐😐
mary: i dont want him to think im saying it just because he said it
dorcas: isn't that why you're doing it though??
mary: yeah but
mary: like i want him to know i mean it
mary: not that im just saying it back to not hurt his feelings
EMMELINE ADDED HESTIA TO THE CHAT
dorcas: yeah i get you
dorcas: honestly just tell him when he walks you back to the dorms
dorcas: simple is good sometimes
mary: hmm
mary: okay
lily: LMAOO SORRY TO INTERRUPT BUT LOOK WHAT SIRIUS SEND REMUS LAST NIGHT
lily: [screenshot]
mary: NO WAY
lily: YES WAY
lily: HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO REPLY
hestia: that boy is so painfully bad with romance it hurts my soul
emmeline: IM LAUGHING IM SORRY
marlene: i feel like this is an invasion of privacy but sirius once tried on my bras while i was having sex in the bed next to him so I DONT CARE!!!
marlene: that is funny as hell
dorcas: i feel so bad for him I CANNNTT
dorcas: poor boy
[be gay do crime]
remus: hello everyone
longbottom: REMUS💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞
longbottom: hello
longbottom: did u bake those cookies
ted: bro bake your own damn cookies
ted: they're for your girlfriend
longbottom: i cannot bake for shit
longbottom: the last time i did i mixed up the cinnamon and the vanilla extract
mary: i????
lily: they look NOTHING alike
longbottom: look i've got no excuse okay
remus: yes they're done
remus: but i'm not icining those words out for you
remus: that's gotta come from you
longbottom: yeah i know
longbottom: thanks remus
lily: what'd you make her cookies for?
longbottom: i was gonna wait to tell you guys
longbottom: i didn't know how you'd all feel about it but
longbottom: life is rly short you know??
longbottom: and i know i want to spend as much time with her as i can
longbottom: so i'm proposing to her with them
dorcas: OH MY GOF??ERFKRG
emmeline: I JUST SHIT
james: WITH COOKIES???? FOAMING AT THE MOUTH
lily: CONGRATS OMG
ted: hope she says no
ted: want u to marry me instead
regulus: i'm telling my cousin
mary: behave
regulus: 😒😒
longbottom: thanks guys
sirius: well this is lame
longbottom: ?
sirius: not THAT
sirius: just i had an announcement of my own
marlene: omg
marlene: you're pregnant
sirius: yeah
sirius: it's yours
marlene: FUCK
marlene: no it's not.
marlene: i've never seen u before in my life.
peter: what's the announcement?
remus: he came here to tell you guys he has a boyfriend
mary: E>?DR$LRWF>
lily: NO
sirius: yes lily flower i am deeply sorry
sirius: our affair stops here
marlene: didn't u just say you're having my child
sirius: there's enough of me to go around calm down
sirius: but 98% of me belongs to remus now so
sirius: SORRY SUCKERS!!!
dorcas: good god FINALLY
james: actual idiots you 2 are
ted: remus does this mean we can't hook up anymore😔
remus: i'm so sorry you had to find out this way...
ted: it's okay i suppose...
ted: well since we're all making announcements
ted: my turn
regulus: you're transferring🙏🏻🙏🏻
ted: you wish
regulus: yeah i do
regulus: that was the point
ted: no i'm not
ted: ur gf would miss me too much!
mary: omfg
regulus: actually i would too who else would i bully
ted: IM???
james: 😨😨😨
ted: but no
ted: andy and i made it official this morning
ted: and i know a few of you aren't gonna be happy with that but i honestly do not gaf
sirius: nah honestly
sirius: happy for you mate
sirius: treat her well though
sirius: or regulus won't be the only one bullying you
ted: wow
ted: thanks sirius
remus: i made him say that
sirius: stfu no you didn't
remus: anyone here convinced?
hestia: no
lily: nope
mary: fat chance
[motley crew]
regulus: GUYS
regulus: SHE SAID IT BACK
james: OMG
sirius: DAMN ARE WE SURE TODAY IS WEDNESDAY??
regulus: it's sunday?
sirius: will you shut up let me do this
regulus: merlin fine
regulus: go on drama queen
sirius: are we sure it's wednesday??
james: it's not wednesday
regulus: yeah it's sunday
SIRIUS HAS LEFT THE GROUP
james: he is so annoying
regulus: i hate that he looks just like me i can't act like we aren't related
james: he's such a little turd
regulus: it's the grease from the hair gel
james: yeah
JAMES ADDED SIRIUS TO THE GROUP
james: say ur stupid bloody joke
sirius: ...
sirius: are...
sirius: we sure it's wednesday....
regulus: we got that so far
sirius: because it feels like WINSday
james: LMFAOOOO
james: funniest person i know actually!
regulus: you deserve to be permanently banished for that
regulus: but i'll let it slide
regulus: because my girlfriend loves me back😁😁😁
sirius: u make me sick
sirius: how did she tell you
regulus: we stopped by the hospital wing to drop off marlene's flowers
regulus: and then i walked her back to gryffindor
regulus: and she kissed me and said it
sirius: lame
regulus: it was nice.
sirius: oh fine whatever
sirius: happy for u ig🙄
james: GUYS
james: SOME FIRST YEAR FOUND THE MAP
sirius: oh great so now i gotta fight an eleven year old????
regulus: or just... ask calmly for it back
sirius: I WILL NOT BE NICE TO A THIEF
sirius: THEY SHALL PAY
regulus: literally am moving to france and never looking back
EIGHT MONTHS LATER....
[be gay do crime]
james: SIRIUS WHERE THE FUCK ARE ALL OF MY CLOTHES AT?????????
remus: PADFOOT?????!
mary: STOP😭😭
lily: THOSE ARE FOR MY EYES ONLY SIRIUS WTF
marlene: THE CEREMONY STARTS IN FIVE MINUTES SIRIUS
marlene: WTF ARE YOU DOING
dorcas: WE ONLY GET TO GRADUATE ONCE
dorcas: JAMES CANNOT BE NAKED WHEN HE DOES IT
james: WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES AT YOU LITTLE PRICK
sirius: UHHHHHH
sirius: SORRY!!!
sirius: WRONG NUMBER!!!!