Chapter Text
The Jeep was slow to start up, but once I got it going, I accelerated up to as fast as it would go in a matter of five seconds. Freedom tasted sweet and savory all at once, coming hypnotically close to my tongue. I felt the engine hum under my feet, the wheels turning at a rate that matched my heartbeat. I set off down the dirt path in front of the cathedral, my heart jumping up into my throat. I was really going to do it. I was going home.
Then a figure appeared in my path. A single person, lit up by the dim headlights, unmoving in the face of the speeding vehicle. I slammed on the brakes, not about to commit vehicular manslaughter, which nearly sent me crashing into the windshield. I took a moment to identify the roadblock, squinting through the light that reflected over them. It was even harder to recognize him considering the fact that his all-black attire made him blend in completely with the dark background. I put the car in park, and got out.
Rafe seemed emotionless as I walked up to him. He wasn’t angry, or disappointed, or upset, which made me more nervous. I wanted him to explode or breakdown, but he just stared at me with an unwavering expression. I stood in front of him, trying to figure out if I should come up with an excuse first or just let him start yelling. Neither of us spoke for a solid minute. I desperately wanted a cigarette.
“I- uh…” I started. I didn’t get very far.
“Do you think this is necessary?” He snapped in a mocking tone. I sighed heavily, happy that he had settled on an emotion.
“Rafe, look. I haven’t seen my brother in fifteen years. I need to see him-”
“I gave you the option to leave. Two years ago. And when I asked you if you wanted to stay, you-” He broke off, as if he were trying to suppress the memory of what had happened next. “You said yes. So what changed?”
You did, I wanted to say, but I wasn’t sure if that was the truth. Rafe had always been like this. Cynical, cold, with emotions flexible enough to change on a dime. He always had the ability to switch from a completely fixed complexion to unbridled violence within a few moments. I just always refused to see it. He wasn’t the one to change, the sheet over my eyes was finally lifted. It was almost unfair that I was punishing him for my blindness. My intentional blindness.
“I just…” Need to leave. Need to see Nathan. Need to get away from you.
“I need you here.” Those words threatened to make me turn the car back around and stay in Scotland until the rest of my hair turned gray.
“No, you don’t. You almost got your hands on the next St. Dismas cross, and-”
“I’m not talking about the treasure,” he replied, cutting me off. I couldn’t do this. If he talked for just a few moments more, I really would stay behind, but I had made up my mind. I was getting on the first plane back to Boston, and I wasn’t going to look back. Not even for him.
“I’m sorry,” was all that I could manage. I turned away from him, intending to go back to the car, but he grabbed onto my shoulder. I turned back to him, and for the first time in months, the look in his eyes didn’t scare me. They belonged to the man I had kissed on that cliff a couple years ago. A kiss that we hadn’t brought up again.
“Stay,” he whispered. I placed my hand on his upon my shoulder, and guided it off of me. I held it there for a moment.
“I can’t.”
I could’ve. But I didn’t. I returned to my Jeep, and when I started off again, Rafe didn’t stand in my way. I watched him grow smaller behind me through my rearview mirror, standing there in the spiral of dirt that the wheels had kicked up like a rejected child. My grip around the wheel tightened, and I bit my lip to prevent my emotions from spilling out of me. As I sat on the plane that would bring me back to the States, one question had created a firm grip around my brain, echoing in my skull like a broken record.
Will it all be worth it?