Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Lars aimed his phone camera at himself, making sure to capture the view of space from his ship's viewing window as it raced through the sky. His eyes flicked to the text that Ronaldo had sent him. He cleared his throat before he hit the record button and started the speech Ronaldo had made him promise he would say. “Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Sun Incinerator. Its continuing mission: to explore strange new worlds. To seek out new life and new civilizations. To boldly go where no one has gone before!” Lars paused, his expression contorting to one of confused disgust. “No offense Ronaldo, but that’s the dumbest speech ever. I mean ‘new civilizations?’ Some of them have been here longer than Earth has existed? Dumb white men saying they’re going to discover planets and life that’s been there for longer than humanity. Imagine if I walked into a house with a family inside and went ‘wow, look at this house that I just discovered!’ … Anyway, you wanted some vlogs of my space adventures so here you go.”

His crew, consisting of Fluorite, Rhodonite, the Rutile twins, Flint, Chert, Leggy, and Padparadscha, stared at him in confusion. Padparadscha was the one to break the silence. “I predict that Lars will not like the speech Ronaldo demanded!” she exclaimed.

“Good prediction Pads,” Lars complimented gently. “Rutiles, how long until we touchdown?” 

“Not long captain,” Left Rutile announced. “Soon captain,” Right Rutile added.

Lars returned his attention to the video he was recording. “So Ronaldo,” he said grandly. “You wanted a planet with cool aliens! And Khoros is just that.”

He flipped the phone’s camera, allowing the rapidly approaching planet to come into view.

The planet looked almost scorched by its sun, the red sand blowing in the air. “As you can see, this planet is red. As we all know, that means the planet is dangerous.” Lars grinned at the phone camera, his eyes shining with excitement. “Which also means that it is cool!”

As the ship landed, it sunk slightly into the sandy ground. “Leggy and Pads, you’re both with me.” The three began to walk, all stumbling slightly over the burning sand, Lars trying to split his attention between walking and talking. “So, Khoros is a cool planet because of its aliens,” Lars began to explain as he led the way to the distant castle that housed the planet’s ruling family. “The planet’s dominant species are called Tetramands. They’re these giant, red, strong things with four arms. Which makes sense since ‘Tetra’ is Greek for four and ‘Mand’ is Greek for arms.” He paused midstep, realization dawning on his face. “Like Tetris. All the pieces are four blocks.”

“Mr Lars?” Leggy asked from beside him. “What’s Tetris?”

“It’s this ancient arcade game,” he explained. “You have to stack falling blocks next to each other. I’ll see if I can get one on the ship.”

“Wooo!” Leggy cheered, running around happily. “New game!”

Lars turned his attention back to the recording. “So, yeah, Tetris. You got the square one, the line one, the Harry Potter scar, the L one, the T one…” he trailed off in confusion. “There’s probably more but I can’t think of them… Great, now I’m going to be trying to figure it out all day.”

The three continued to walk in silence, Leggy excitedly skipping from the promise of a new game, Padparadscha calmly walking with a serene smile on her face, while Lars was still trying to work out if there were any more Tetris pieces.

Eventually they made it to their destination, the home of the Royal Family of the planet. The castle was colossal, the walls made of hardened black stone. Inside was the Princess of the planet’s rulers. Lars began to speak to the camera as they approached. “So, in case you’re wondering how I managed to meet literal space royalty.” Lars took a deep breath before he elaborated. “Some people from our old AMA wanted Steven to meet some guy called Ben, so Ronaldo asked around to figure out who was, he found him and asked him for any cool planets, Ben told him about this planet, and asked the Princess if we could meet her? Now we’re here.”

Lars entered the building with a confident ease, the guards staring at him. “Hello Tetramands, I am here to talk to your leader!”

Princess Looma reminded Lars of a Gem Fusion. A red body that was towering over him, her four yellow eyes peered down at him, both pairs of her muscular arms folded in front of her. Her outfit was fit for royalty, on account of her being a royal, with a black and gold crown/battle helmet perched on her head, with a matching set of armor covering her torso. “Hello friend of Ben,” she greeted with a polite nod. 

“I don’t think I’m a friend of Ben. More of a friend of a guy that spoke to him one time.” Lars looked back at the camera before aiming it at the Princess. “Anyway, Ronaldo, this is Princess Looma of The Royal House of Red Wind. Looma tell us about yourself.”

“I am Princess Looma of The Royal House of Red Wind.”

“...”

“...”

“You heard it here folks,” Lars said. “She is Princess Looma of The Royal House of Red Wind. Great at fighting and ruling the planet. Less great at conversation.”

Lars looked around for any more interests. He saw Leggy talking to one of the royal guards, a goliath Tetramand donned in thick golden armor with a warhammer in each hand. “Mr Four-Arms?” The Tetramand looked down at her with patience, her small body barely reaching his kneecap. “Do you think I could beat you in a fight?”

The guard stared down at her before stretching both sets of arms and grinning. “I am willing to find out.”

Lars gasped with happiness and ran over, pointing the camera phone at them. “Fight scene!” he ran over as the small red Gem and the gigantic red Tetramand squared up to spar.

Lars rubbed the back of his head awkwardly, the camera now facing him. “Hey Ronaldo. Funny story. Leggy and a guard were going to spar and I thought that would be a cool thing for you to see. And I might have accidentally hit the stop recording button when I was running to them. My bad! I promise it was a great fight though!” he flipped the camera, showing the moaning Tetramand on the floor in a heap, his warhammers scattered around him as Leggy smiled. “Anyway that’s probably it for this planet, unless something really cool happens on the way back to the ship.” Lars ended the recording, purposely this time, and left for his ship.

When Ronaldo informed Lars of the planet, he asked him to see if he could find a Sand Ripper. A predator of the planet, one capable of battling even the strongest of Tetramands.

Lars found one.

The olive green beast swam through the sand with grace, diving out like a dolphin surfacing for air and snapping its fangs at Lars and his crew, its spiked back glistening in the beaming sun. “Hey Ronaldo!” Lars yelled into the camera. “Guess what!” The Sand Ripper charged, sending Lars bouncing across the ground. “I remembered what the other Tetris pieces are! It’s a backwards Harry Potter scar and a J shape!”

Leggy and Padparadscha’s fusion lunged from the background, striking the Sand Ripper and sending it skywards. As it landed, the fusion jumped with her four fists raised for a final attack punching the beast and slamming it to the ground. When the animal no longer moved, the fusion returned to Leggy and Pads. “Anyway, now we’re going back to the ship. Ronaldo, if you have any other planet requests, tell me and I’ll consider them. Peace out!” Lars flashed a peace sign and a cheesy grin and the phone before ending the recording.

Chapter Text

Peridot once said that the majority of planets were spherical. She said that the gravitational pull of planets as they orbited the sun rounded them out.

This planet was obviously one of the exceptions.

“Hey Ronaldo!” Lars yelled to the camera. “I thought of a weird planet to show you!” He turned the camera and allowed the nearby planet to be seen. The planet was somehow shaped like a yellow star with five points crossed with two planetary rings. “This is Planet Popstar, also known as Popstar, also known as Pop Star, also known as PopStar. The residents of Popstar are cool for two reasons. Reason 1-” Lars held up a finger. “Some of the residents are pink and about 8 inches. And we all know that pink and 8 inches are a great thing.” He grinned at the camera before raising a second finger. “Reason 2, the aliens can inhale other lifeforms to gain their traits and abilities. It’s basically like fusing, but with their mouths and more deadly.”

Rutile began landing the ship as Lars continued to explain. “The capital country of Pop Star is called Dream Land. Dumb name, I know, but I didn’t choose it. I’ve had a quick look and decided to visit it so you can see the aliens that live here. They’re called ‘Kirbys’ and each individual is called Kirby. Like I said, dumb name, I didn’t choose it.”

“Landing soon Captain,” Left Rutile announced as Right Rutile informed, “Captain, landing soon.”

“Thanks Rutile. Flint and Chert, you’re with me.” Flint and Chert were the newest members of Lars’ crew. Flint was a slightly shorter than average Quartz Gem with bluish gray skin,dark blue hair and a round gem on her chest while Chert was also a slightly shorter than average Quartz Gem but with dull orange skin, an ivory-colored ponytail, and a gem in place of her nose. They had both been shattered by Yellow Diamond for not having a love for fighting, although they had both since been repaired by the Diamond. 

“Yes Captain,” they both chorused in unison.

After landing and leaving the ship, Lars made sure to do a panning shot of Dream Land to show the camera all of the location and residents. “As you can see, PopStar doesn’t exactly obey Earth’s biome logic.” He aimed the camera, allowing it to show the active volcano that lay next to the barren desert that lay next to the lush forest that lay next to the tropical beach island that lay next to the expansive mountain range. The Kirbys that walked past paid little attention to the strange undead human and his Gem crew, so Lars pointed the camera phone at them as well. 

All three Kirbys were small, standing at 7 inches at the most, and all were rounded creatures with comically small arms and strangely large feet for their bodies, but that was where their similarities ended. One was a bright blue and its head was donned with a turban with a staff in its hands, one was a brownish-red who held a bow and arrow, while the final one was green and young looking with a backwards cap on its head and holding a yoyo. “Hello Kirbys!” Lars greeted loudly. “I am touring your planet! Where is fun to visit?”

“Poyo!” Red Kirby shouted.

“Poyo,” Blue Kirby concurred sagely.

“Poyo, poi?” Green Kirby questioned.

“Poyo,” Chert confirmed.

Lars nodded wisely. “Thank you for your suggestions. Flint, Chert, you heard them!” Lars led his crew of Gems towards the beach island.

“Now, Ronaldo, I’m sure you’re now thinking ‘Wow, Lars is so smart to understand alien life, I wish I was as smart and attractive as him.’” The sunlight from the tropical paradise beamed down onto Lars’ pink skin. The gentle sound of crashing waves across the shore was slightly audible over Lars’ speech. 

“I don’t think anyone was thinking that Captain,” Flint said from beside him.

Lars ignored the quip and spoke as though he had not been interrupted. “Don’t worry, one day you will be as intelligent and handsome and as dead as I am. But for now you’ll have to settle for me vlogging my amazing life while I pretend to understand the aliens I talk to.” He stopped walking and allowed the camera to pan over the scene in front of him. 

Ice Cream Island, if it was on Earth, would be considered a paradise fit only for Kings and Queens and other non-gender specific royalty. It’s sand stretched further than Lars could be bothered to look, almost like a desert but without the risk of dehydration and death. The water was a far cry from Earth, completely pristine and free from any idea of pollution. 

In the distance was a large castle that floated on the water, which was strange since Lars had initially assumed that castles were an Earth thing rather than a common sight on every planet. “So, that is a castle,” Lars informed. “And castles, like me, are cool. So I will be going to explore the castle.” Lars began to walk on the water towards the castle.

Lars walked away from the castle, squinting at the sunlight that shone directly into his eyes. “Funny story. I went in the castle! There was a thing that looked like a Kirby, but with long limbs, roller skates, and a paintbrush! Anyway, he tried to kill me so I left.” Lars laughed. “Not like he’s the first alien to try and dead me.” 

“Surprised you took him down so easily,” Flint complimented.

“Yeah!” Chert agreed. “All you did was scream at him!”

Lars shrugged. “Seemed like the right thing to do.” He turned his attention back to the camera. “Anyway, I’m gonna leave this planet now. All this brightness is hurting my eyes. If you have any other suggestions of planets you want me visit, tell me!”