Chapter Text
“I’m home.”
The words were almost swept away by the wind breeze as soon as Atsumu opened the door to their house back in Hyogo. After the incident with Kiyoomi earlier, he called in sick and didn’t come to practice. Atsumu immediately turned his phone to Airplane mode as soon as he started to receive a barrage of messages from Bokuto and Hinata. They’re probably worried, but Atsumu didn’t have the energy to answer their questions nor entertain any of their concerns.
Atsumu didn’t really have the energy to make up yet another lie.
It was almost three in the afternoon when he arrived at their house. He planned to spend his spontaneous day off alone in his flat, but the place he owned suddenly seemed so small and suffocating. The scent of Omelette he prepared for breakfast only made the pain on his chest all the more evident. The sight of his couch only reminded him of Sunday afternoons spent while looking through the picture window. The sight of the spare black bathrobe sitting on his shelf in the bathroom only reminded him of a body which seemed so perfectly chiseled.
And the body wash sitting on the bathroom counter only reminded him of the honey and lemon; only reminded him of the scent of warmth and bliss and comfort; only reminded him of the raven locks, of two distinctive moles, of soft lips and minty breath, of all the ‘Wake up already, you idiot’ and all the ‘I swear to god if we’re late once again, Atsumu’ threats that he weirdly looked forward to every morning after their usual Friday night escapade.
Atsumu was about to take off his shoes when a voice suddenly brought him back to the current.
“Atsumu, dear?”
The blonde shifted his gaze towards his grandmother already walking towards the genkan. Atsumu toed his shoes off immediately and headed to meet his grandmother halfway.
“’Ya shouldn’t walk around too much, gran’ma,” Atsumu said as he tried to usher his grandmother back to the couch where all of her knitting materials were neatly splayed.
“I’m stronger than you give me credit for, Atsumu,” his grandmother replied before flicking Atsumu in the forehead, earning a soft gasp from the blonde and a chuckle shared between them two.
It was such a comforting feeling — to be back in his home and worry about nothing else except for his grandmother’s forehead flicks which didn’t seem to be any less painful throughout the years. Atsumu was too lost in the feeling of succor that it took him a while to realize that his grandmother was staring at him with her forehead creased. Atsumu immediately shifted his gaze away, suddenly conscious of the fact that his eyes were probably swollen from all the crying that he did earlier.
Atsumu waited for the plethora of questions, for the words full of worry and a warm embrace as an attempt to pacify him. Atsumu waited for his grandmother to confront him, like how she always did when she was nagging him when he was a kid every time Atsumu would be tangled in yet another trouble, but there were only warm hands reaching out for his and a thumb gently rubbing the back of his palm.
“Good thing you went home today. Why don’t we go to the beachside? Are you fine?” The question was asked in a such a benign manner that Atsumu had to stop himself from flinching at the suggestion.
Atsumu had never been too fond of the ocean, especially after learning once again how painful it was to be swept away by the turbulent waves, to be blinded by the beauty only to be thorned by the lose corals across the body of water, to lose a part of himself because of going too far, too deep, deeper than what his fragile self could handle.
Atsumu gulped an imaginary lump on his throat, trying to jostle himself away from the thoughts of one man whose presence always reminded him of his fear of the ocean. The blonde managed to fake a smile and mutter the one lie he had always been good at claiming.
“Of course, gran’ma. I’m totally fine.”
—
Atsumu set up the folding chair before he ushered his grandmother to sit on it. Atsumu just sat on the sand with his arms propped against his bent knees, fingers clasped together. It wasn’t the season for enjoying the beach so the place was only filled by the two of them and a family of six. Along the occasional laughter and jeer from the two kids playing, there was only the seagulls singing above and the rhythmic sound of the waves hitting the shore repeatedly.
The wind whistled a beat every now and then, gracing them with its presence and reminding them of the crisp of the afternoon. Atsumu looked at his grandmother, worried about the wind breeze starting to grow colder as the afternoon went by, but his grandmother only smiled at him and hugged the shawl closer towards her.
Atsumu flaunted a small smile before looking back at the ocean, at the waves pushing and pulling, pushing and pulling, pushing itself towards the land, but pulling immediately right away once it was already at the shoreline. The kids’ laughter was louder now and only then did Atsumu realize that the kids were already playing by the shoreline — splashing water against each other, running, dancing, jumping, enjoying the time of their lives like there was no one else in the world but them.
“You used to smile and laugh so freely like that,” his grandmother commented, breaking the silence between the two of them.
“Hm? I still smile like that, though!”
“Do you?”
Atsumu flinched at the question, biting his inner lip as he tried to keep his calm. He knew he still smiled like that — around a certain raven spiker who never ceased to make everything a competition, a certain raven spiker who would always grin at him whenever he would win their banter, a certain raven spiker who would always look at him with a proud smirk every time he would ace a serve first, a certain raven spiker who always provided Atsumu with the calm and peace and warmth.
Atsumu always smiled whenever Kiyoomi was around, the same way he used to smile like an idiot whenever he and Osamu would play around like that at the shoreline, enjoying the cold of the waves splashing against their ankles.
He thought that all the crying he did in his own flat was enough to keep himself grounded once he was back at home, but once his thoughts was once again plagued by the last person he wanted to think about right now, Atsumu’s defenses started to crumble and the tears he tried so hard to hold back were once again on the verge of falling.
Suddenly, there was a hand against his head, ruffling his hair softly, gently.
“It’s alright, Atsumu,” his grandmother said.
“You don’t have to hold back,” his grandmother assured him.
“You’re safe here,” his grandmother reminded.
And when Atsumu heard those words, when Atsumu was once again reminded that he was back in the safe arms of the person who never ceased to listen to him and look out for him all these years, the fragile wall he built suddenly started to fall. There were no starting signals nor any build up. The tears just started to fall almost incessantly as soon as Atsumu let his guard down. His chest felt so heavy. His throat felt like it was burning. His hands felt like it would bruise any moment from how hard he was holding his fingers together.
It was the first time in a long while that Atsumu had been so bare about his feelings. It was the first time in a long while that Atsumu didn’t care — not about the kids who stopped laughing, not about the family who was probably whispering about him, not about the snot on his nose or the mess of tears on his cheeks, not about the loud sobs blending with the sound of the waves crashing, not about the wish that came along with all the crying.
“I j-just… I-I just…” Atsumu took a deep breath and tried to compose himself. Despite all the broken sobs, Atsumu tried to say his wish completely, loudly, in hopes that any deity out there would be able to hear him and probably grant him the one thing that he badly wanted to have at this moment.
“I just want him to remember us. I just want him to know that there’s an us.”
Atsumu buried his forehead against his arms and let the tears just drip, drip, drip against the sand. The wind whistled a new beat once again and Atsumu tried to coil himself, tried to keep himself warm amidst the cold of the ocean breeze and the cold of the fate that was brought upon Atsumu’s life.
And then amidst the pain, amidst the wild throbbing of his chest, amidst the messy tears and hoarse throat, Atsumu hated the fact that deep down he knew that along the farrago of emotions welling up in his heart was just a little hint of bliss. Atsumu hated the fact that despite the pain brought about by Kiyoomi forgetting about the teeny, little memories which made up their entire friendship, Atsumu still had the guts to feel happy.
For what else was he supposed to feel knowing that all the kisses they shared last night, all the touches that Kiyoomi did last night, and all the whispers of how beautiful and glorifying Atsumu was last night were all an expression of Kiyoomi’s love?
For a few more minutes, Atsumu just closed his eyes and let himself be engulfed by the sound of the ocean. For a few more minutes, Atsumu just took deep breaths and tried to stop the tears from falling. For a few more minutes, Atsumu just let the feeling of comfort from the warm hands caressing his hair and patting his head every now and then be the only thing he could focus on.
“How did’ya forget him, gran’ma?” Atsumu asked, finally managing to look up to his grandmother. The ocean breeze didn’t help the sting on his eyes which was probably swollen once again, but Atsumu couldn’t care less. He only had enough capacity to think about what he should do next. He only had enough capacity to understand that if Kiyoomi would neither remember the memories nor the feelings he had, then forgetting about Kiyoomi was an option too, right?
Atsumu could choose to forget about him and live his life the same way he was doing before Sakusa Kiyoomi came — a life full of temporary bliss and momentary relationships.
But dealing with his feelings for one Sakusa Kiyoomi was not the same as dealing with his teenage crush. So, Atsumu decided to just turn to his grandmother once again and ask her how she did it — just ask her how she managed to forget someone who became the father of her daughter, someone whom her grandmother probably thought of as the man she would like to spend the rest of her life with.
Yet, the moment he dropped the question, his grandmother just smiled a little. It was the same smile which she would always show whenever Atsumu would ask about his grandfather — the smile which was always filled with a hint of guilt and pain and a little bit of bliss.
“I never did,” his grandmother said, softly, almost like a whisper.
Atsumu’s chest started to ache once again, but this time he held himself much better. The blonde pursed his lips into a thin line and just continued to listen to his grandmother as she spoke once again.
“Sometimes, I still think about the what ifs. Sometimes, I still wonder if things would’ve gone differently had I tried to stay with him, had I tried to be with him, had I tried my best to make him remember, had I tried to fight against this cruel game of life.”
“Sometimes, I still regret that the moment he forgot about me and I learned about the fact that I was carrying his baby, I ran away from Tokyo and started to live my life here in Hyogo — away from the secrets only I knew, away from the memories only I was holding onto, away from the pain only I was bearing.”
Atsumu understood. Atsumu, of all people, knew just how painful it was to look in the eyes of the man you love and see not even a hint of any of your memories shared out there. Atsumu knew just how painful it was to see not a hint of the feelings bared and the secrets spoken. Atsumu knew just how easier it was to choose to run away from everything.
Yet, Atsumu still ached. At the back of his mind, he knew there was a lingering feeling of want. At the back of his mind, Atsumu knew that he would never be able to go back to just playing by the shoreline. Atsumu knew that he wanted to go back there, to the depths, to the unventured expanse. Atsumu wanted to go back to Sakusa Kiyoomi.
But at the same time, Atsumu was so fucking scared of once again risking everything all on his own.
“You’re stronger than me, Atsumu. I know you are. Trust yourself a bit more, won’t you?”
Atsumu looked at his grandmother and this time, he managed to flaunt an honest and genuine smile, appreciative of the trust she was providing him. Atsumu propped his hands against the sand, leaning back until he could see the clouds walking down the direction of the wind, until he could see the sky starting to be filled with the miscellany of pink and orange hue, until his mind drifted off to a silly little memory.
“Oi, Atsumu. What are you moping about once again?”
“Just… stuff, I guess?”
“…”
“…”
“Toss to me, Atsumu.”
“I really think I suck today, Omi. Sorry.”
“…”
“…”
“I like your tosses the best, idiot.”
“…”
“…”
“No takebacks, Omi!! M’kay?”
Atsumu wished he could just go back to the time when things were simpler — when he was perfectly happy and content despite his unrequited love.
—
Atsumu went back to practice come Monday morning, greeted by a blast of questions from both Bokuto and Hinata. Seeing how the team immediately huddled towards him in a circle as well, it seemed to him that the whole team was worried or possibly just curious as to what could make the Miya ‘I’m just bleeding a little on my nose and just a little hazy from fever but I’m fine’ Atsumu call in sick and skip practice.
Most times Kiyoomi would always be the one pulling Atsumu back to his apartment because the blonde was too stubborn to call in sick and to skip practice even when he seemed to almost be standing in front of death’s door.
When Atsumu had mostly covered their questions with the assurance that he was already well enough to play today, the team went back to each of their own businesses and Atsumu was left looking for a certain raven spiker.
“Omi’s not yet here, Tsum-tsum,” Bokuto answered the unuttered question hanging in the air. When Atsumu didn’t say anything else, the older one leaned closer before he whispered, “Is everything alright between you two?”
Atsumu almost flinched at the question. At this point, he wasn’t really sure if Bokuto was more perceptive than what he gave him credit for, or if he really was just plain curious about him and Kiyoomi like how he had always been before.
“’Course, things are fine, Bokkun! I just really got sick,” Atsumu answered before he patted Bokuto’s back twice as some form of reassurance. Bokuto opened his mouth, about to retaliate once again, but closed it immediately as something caught him off-guard. Atsumu followed Bokuto’s line of sight and saw Kiyoomi stepping inside the gym — with his usual practice clothes and a stoic look on his face.
Kiyoomi looked around the gymnasium, seeming to look for something — and when raven eyes suddenly met hazel ones, Atsumu automatically stiffened, feeling so bare against the gaze directed at him. Kiyoomi just raised his brow at him before he nodded as a sign of him acknowledging Atsumu’s presence before he went towards Meian to ask something.
“See? Omi seems so different ever since you skipped practice,” Bokuto commented before he gently nudged Atsumu’s arms, and that was the only cue which Atsumu needed for him to let out the breath he didn’t know he was holding. Atsumu clenched and unclenched his fists as he tried to ground himself once again. After all, seeing Kiyoomi was a lot harder than he imagined it to be.
Seeing Kiyoomi himself was not the problem — it was the fact that every time Atsumu would look at Kiyoomi, he would see months and months of memories shared together. Atsumu would recall secrets only professed in the dark of the night. Atsumu would remember the soft touches and kisses known to him and only him. Atsumu would remember that one Friday night, Kiyoomi held him in his arms with so much passion, so much care, so much love.
Atsumu would look at him and see their entire friendship in just a matter of seconds, but Kiyoomi would look at him and see nothing but a teammate.
“Don’t mind, Tsum-tsum,” Bokuto said once again before he started to head towards the other side of the court. Atsumu gulped a lump on his throat as he heard the words which was only ever directed at him whenever he made a mistake on the court, amidst a game, amidst the exchange of sets and spikes, amidst the cheer of the crowd. Atsumu only ever heard those words for teeny, little mistakes he didn’t mean to do while playing volleyball.
Atsumu didn’t want to hear those words when Kiyoomi was giving him the same casual treatment he gave to all their other teammates. Atsumu didn’t want to hear those words because it only meant that the root cause of all his problems was a mistake and he was now reaping the consequences of his wrong choices.
But loving Sakusa Kiyoomi was not a mistake. Atsumu refused to believe that the feelings he harbored and the feelings which were once requited was nothing but a mistake.
Even if it meant that he would have to brace his future days ahead acting like a stranger to his own best friend.
—
Atsumu didn’t really understand why Bokuto mentioned that Kiyoomi seemed to be different. Kiyoomi was no different from how he was before — dazzling, mysterious, relentless. Kiyoomi would still practice his own serves even after their rigorous training. Kiyoomi would still be called by Meian every now and then, getting entrusted with the task of handling their unruly set of spikers. Kiyoomi would still scold Bokuto and Hinata whenever the two was planning to do something dumb once again.
Kiyoomi was still acting the same as how he was before — except for the fact that he was talking less and less to Atsumu and every time he did,
“Hey, Miya.”
Kiyoomi would always call him using his last name.
“Yeah?”
Atsumu always tried to act as casually as he could whenever Kiyoomi would call him. After all, he didn’t want to add any more suspicions than what his teammates already had. It wasn’t a secret to him that his teammates would always glance secretly at the two of them whenever Kiyoomi would call him. They weren’t really the subtlest of people when it came secretly listening in to their conversations and trying to figure out what went wrong between them two.
Sure, the two of them had probably been to a lot of fights before which ended up with Kiyoomi just calling him using his last name, but this was the longest that Kiyoomi had gone not calling him ‘Idiot’ (which he believe was Kiyoomi’s version of an endearment) or straight up calling him by his first name.
“Can you stay for a while? I wanna practice with your tosses,” Kiyoomi said as he picked up another stray ball. Atsumu grit his teeth to keep his jaw from hanging, to keep the surprise on his face from being apparent, to keep his escalating heartbeat shrouded behind a stoic face.
It had been the first time in the past two weeks that Kiyoomi asked for Atsumu to stay with him for practice.
“W-Well, I actually was about to practice with Shouy—”
“Oh! I just remembered that I was gonna go to Bokuto-san’s place to visit Akaashi-san,” Hinata suddenly chimed in, obviously trying to keep his act together despite the evident excitement on his voice.
“Right! Hinata and I will go now! Don’t stay too late since we have a practice game, tomorrow!” Bokuto added before pulling Hinata towards the shower room. Before Atsumu could even say anything else, Bokuto looked back at the two of them and sent him a wink before disappearing around the corner.
Atsumu heaved a sigh before he turned back to Kiyoomi, now looking at him with one of his brows raised. Atsumu couldn’t help the chuckle which escaped his lips at the familiar sight of this sassy and demanding spiker.
“M’kay. Let’s do this, Omi-kun,” Atsumu said as a taunt, a josh, like how he always did before and Atsumu would lie if he said he didn’t miss even this one silly little thing. Atsumu expected an eye roll or probably a ball to his face (because Kiyoomi really did hit him with a ball the first time he called him with such a familiar nickname). Instead, Kiyoomi just grabbed a ball and walked towards the end line, dribbling the ball against the floor before he looked at Atsumu with a smirk on his face.
“Think you can keep up?”
This time, Atsumu couldn’t help his jaw dropping from the question before he scoffed and rolled his eyes at Kiyoomi.
“You’re on, you lil’ shit.”
The two of them stayed the night hitting spikes after spikes after spikes. Most of their teammates had already gone ahead, bidding them goodbye amidst the loud sound of the ball hitting the floor over and over again.
For hours, Atsumu almost forgot about everything that happened in the past months. Atsumu almost forgot about the Friday nights, the unuttered confession, the morning after filled with tears and regrets and Omelette left in the kitchen, the ocean, the drowning, the resurfacing, the shoreline.
Atsumu was content with setting tosses after tosses after tosses, sending it in an arc he knew Kiyoomi had always been comfortable with. Atsumu tossed with care and accuracy he had spent years trying to hone. Atsumu tossed with the timing he knew would be perfect for Kiyoomi to hit the ball at its peak, to hit the ball at the vertex of Kiyoomi’s jump, to hit the ball with grace and elegance and beauty that only Kiyoomi would be able to pull. And every time Atsumu tossed, he made sure to watch Kiyoomi in his perfect form as he seemed to float in the air.
Atsumu watched Kiyoomi and felt like a billion things could go wrong, but not in this moment.
Not when Kiyoomi asked him to stay late for extra practice.
Not when Kiyoomi just challenged him if he could keep up with the raven’s demands.
Not when Kiyoomi was hitting the toss which Atsumu set specifically for him and only him. That toss which was set with much more sharpness, much more carefulness, much more reverence.
It was quarter after eleven when the two of them found themselves hunched on their knees, trying to catch their breaths as they finished playing with yet another set of balls. Atsumu knew that they already had to stop and take a rest for their practice game tomorrow, but a part of Atsumu didn’t want to let go of the things he had been deprived of for the past two weeks —
Calm, peace, warmth.
“Meian will kill us if we stay any longer,” Kiyoomi said to break the silence and break the hopes that Atsumu was holding onto. The blonde just nodded at Kiyoomi, wiping the trickling sweat from his temple down to his chin with the sleeves of his shirt. Atsumu took a deep breath and was about to grab his bag when a clean towel was suddenly thrown at his face — a gesture he was familiar with and he had so missed.
“Stop wiping your sweat with your shirt, you filth,” Kiyoomi said before he busied himself with fixing his things inside his bag, sparing not even a glance towards Atsumu. The setter buried his face against the towel to hide his embarrassed face, but immediately regretted the act as soon as the scent of lavender permeated him, reminding him of the fabric conditioner he started to use just because Kiyoomi told him he loved that specific scent.
Atsumu lowered the towel for a moment so he could take a peek at Kiyoomi. It probably was the scent of lavender, or it probably was the fatigue starting to catch up to Atsumu now that he was down from his high, but Atsumu braced himself and voiced out the question he knew he would regret hearing the answer to.
“Why did’ya wanna play with me tonight, Omi?”
Atsumu knew he shouldn’t have asked the question because any answer would only be a poison harmful to him. Atsumu knew that any answer Kiyoomi would come up to would only lead to his own demise.
Should Kiyoomi answer him negatively, like how he was probably the only available setter to play with, then Atsumu would be left with the pain of being reminded that there was nothing between them two. That the little bit of something which the two of them shared before was now down the drain because of Atsumu.
And should Kiyoomi answer him positively, then Atsumu would once again succumb himself to the hopes of gaining back what he lost. Atsumu would once again be blinded by the desire to turn nothing into something. Atsumu would once again deceive himself and ignore the obvious repercussions of going too far.
When Kiyoomi started heading towards the shower room in silence, Atsumu almost heaved a sigh of relief knowing that he wouldn’t be subjected into any form of poison for tonight. Yet, before Kiyoomi disappeared around the corner, his voice suddenly echoed throughout the empty gym.
“I like your tosses the best, idiot.”
The moment he heard those words, Atsumu clenched his fists against the towel he was holding and tried to hide the fact that there was the familiar throbbing against his chest and the flush across his cheeks. Atsumu closed his eyes and exhaled shakily, burying his face against the towel once again.
Fuck.
Atsumu knew that this particular poison was definitely more deadly.
—
“Nice serve!!”
The chain of hype and pleasantries echoed in the gymnasium where they held their practice game against EJP Raijin. There were a lot more spectators in the gym than Atsumu had anticipated, but Atsumu was neither distracted nor encouraged by the crowd. Atsumu was too focused on the sets, on the receives, on the spike, on the squelch of the shoes against the floor.
Right now, Atsumu was too focused on the four steps, on the ball throw, on the run-up, on the jump, and then on the big wham sound as his palm hit the ball and sent it flying towards the other side of the court. Atsumu was too focused on the way the other team tried to keep the ball from falling, tried to keep the ball afloat in the air, tried to keep themselves from losing.
But the ball fell just a centimeter away from Komori’s fingers and finally landed on the floor. A whistle signaled the end of the set which was won through Atsumu’s five serve streak. It was the last set that they were gonna play and the team almost jumped into Atsumu (except for Bokuto and Hinata who really went and jumped towards him causing the three of them to fall) as they congratulated the setter and teased him as to how focused he was during the entire game.
After a lot of ‘Bokkun, I can’t breathe’ and ‘Shouyou-kun, we’re both sticky from sweat’, Atsumu finally managed to show his shit-eating grin towards his teammates and took pride in his performance for today. When the crowd died down and each of them went to grab their own bags before going to the shower, Atsumu found himself looking for a certain raven spiker.
It was a habit. Looking for Kiyoomi after the game and trying to tease him into complimenting Atsumu even just once was a habit Atsumu was trying to break. He knew they weren’t back to their same old let’s-have-a-banter-every-five-minutes kind of relationship, but just looking for Kiyoomi to see if he was at least a little bit proud of Atsumu’s performance was fine, right?
In his search, Atsumu found Kiyoomi on the other side of the court while talking to his cousin. Atsumu smiled at the sight, knowing that Kiyoomi was probably receiving another list of reminders from Komori and the raven would probably forget about half of it, anyway. The setter was about to grab his bag and head to the shower room when another sight made him halt, another sight made him almost lose his ground.
There stood Osamu, handing Suna a fresh set of towels and a box of what he could assume was take out from Osamu’s own restaurant. The two of them talked for a moment before Osamu’s eyes met Atsumu’s, and then Osamu whispered something to Suna before he headed towards the blonde.
Atsumu knew the two of them had been together for years. Atsumu probably realized that his brother was in love with Suna way before Osamu realized it himself. Atsumu may sometimes be dumb, but he definitely wasn’t blind.
Osamu knew about the curse the same day Atsumu did. After all, Atsumu was not the best at hiding his swollen eyes and his puffy cheeks. Osamu knew about the curse and the pain that came along with it, but the spiker still dared to confess to Suna a month before their graduation day.
“Suna and I will pursue different careers anyway. ‘M gonna lose ‘im whether he likes me back or not. So lemme just confess, ‘Tsumu.”
Those were the words Osamu said after a lot of nagging he heard from Atsumu. The thing was, Atsumu knew that Osamu’s confession would definitely be accepted. Osamu already took a long time to realize that he was actually in love with Suna, but Suna definitely needed one trigger to finally realize that he actually loved the spiker back.
Atsumu was scared. He didn’t want Osamu to experience what he went through with the tangerine spiker back in Miyagi. He knew Suna liked Osamu back and the moment Suna realized that was the moment everything would fall apart. The moment Suna realized that was the moment Osamu would be left with all these feelings to be dealt with all alone.
Despite being such an ass, Atsumu didn’t want his twin brother to experience the pain of being the only one who knew that such a love blossomed between him and his partner.
Yet, the confession was immediately accepted and nothing changed with Suna the day after their confession.
Well, nothing except for swinging by the twin’s room every break time so he could talk to Osamu. Or staying with Osamu in the library as the latter was busying himself in planning his own business. Or the late-night calls which Atsumu knew Osamu was taking despite how quiet the latter was trying to be. Or dropping by their house every morning and every night so he could walk to and from the school with Osamu.
At first, Osamu admitted that he was doubtful of Suna’s feelings for him. After all, why was Suna acting more in love than he was back then? Why was Suna right there, with all his memories intact and his feelings still blooming day after day?
“He’s in love with you, ‘Samu. Trust me.”
Those were the words Atsumu finally told his brother after a lot of sighs and missed meals and staying up late at night because of overthinking. Atsumu knew how sincere Suna was for his brother. He knew it in the way Suna looked at Osamu — it was the same way their father looked at their mother even after all these years. It was the look filled with admiration and joy and gratefulness. If that wasn’t proof enough, then Atsumu didn’t really know what was.
And it was at that time when Atsumu finally accepted that maybe, Miya Osamu really was the better twin.
After all, Osamu was the one who deserved the luxury of loving and being loved back — all without the risk of his partner ever forgetting about the love that blossomed, the secrets said, the memories shared together.
“’Tsumu. We’d go for drinks tonight. Wanna come with us?”
Osamu’s voice brought Atsumu back to the current. Atsumu opened his mouth to respond, but closed it immediately as he realized that he hadn’t thought of a reason yet on why he would be turning down the offer.
Atsumu had long since accepted the fact that he was just a little unlucky to live his life with this kind of curse running through his veins, but seeing Osamu and Suna together was giving him a miscellany of chagrin and pain across his chest. Seeing Osamu and Suna together reminded him that he was the star-crossed twin. He was the inauspicious twin. He was the cursed twin.
Atsumu felt like he wasn’t strong enough yet to hang out with his brother and be reminded of the fact that Atsumu didn’t have the luxury of enjoying this silly little thing called love.
He was about to open his mouth once again and blabber out the first lie which came to his mind, but Atsumu felt Bokuto’s arms suddenly wrap around his shoulders causing him to stop.
“Nuh-uh, M’ya-sam! Tsum-tsum will hang out with me tonight!” Bokuto exclaimed with no rooms for negotiations. Atsumu didn’t really plan to hang out with anybody, but he figured being with Bokuto was a much better option than staying with his brother for tonight.
“Yeah! Bokkun and I haven’t had our bro night for ages,” Atsumu answered. Osamu raised one of his brows, clearly aware that something about this was not adding up. Yet, the younger twin just pursed his lips before he nodded.
“Fine. Next time then. See ‘ya.” Osamu waved his goodbye before heading back to the other side of the court. Atsumu heaved a sigh of relief before he shifted his gaze towards the spiker beside him and patted Bokuto’s back.
“Thanks for the save, Bokkun,” Atsumu said with a smile and Bokuto responded with an even wider version of his smile, if that was still remotely possible.
“What do you mean save? I’m gonna make you spill the beans tonight, Tsum-tsum!” Bokuto said before heading towards the shower room with his bag hanging against his shoulders.
Atsumu blinked a few times as he watched Bokuto disappear into the corner before his shoulders sag and yet another sigh escaped his lips.
“Bokkun wasn’t the better option either, was he?”
—
Half an hour past eight in the evening found Atsumu in Bokuto’s living room, sitting on the couch with a box of pizza across from him situated on the table. Bokuto went to the kitchen to grab his pack of beer, humming a tune Atsumu could only guess was another song he learned from the new anime he was watching.
“Here, Tsum-tsum!” Bokuto said as he handed Atsumu a can of beer, placing the other cans on top of the center table. Bokuto grabbed a slice of pizza himself before sitting beside Atsumu.
“So, what’s up between you and Omi?” Bokuto asked before taking a bite of his pizza. Straight to the point as always, Atsumu thought. The blonde opened his can of beer and took a sip before leaning against the back rest, focusing his gaze on the random movie playing on the television.
“I told ‘ya there’s nothing, Bokkun,” Atsumu said for the thousandth time. It wasn’t the first time that Bokuto asked him whether there was something going on between him and Kiyoomi. It wasn’t the first time that Bokuto asked the very same question to Atsumu, especially after that one morning when Atsumu and Kiyoomi showed up to practice together with apparent marks on their necks.
“M’kay. Then you’re not the one Omi got into a fight with?”
“Why would ‘ya even think that Omi got into a fight with someone?” Atsumu tried to sound casual as he ate a slice of pizza and drank from his beer. Bokuto wasn’t far off the mark, but Atsumu wasn’t sure if he was ready to admit that yet.
“Because there’s something odd about him? I was pretty sure you two got into a fight because there’s something odd about you, too!! Y’know, after you got sick and stuff,” Bokuto shrugged, finishing his slice of pizza before he grabbed a can of beer.
“Omi seems… the same to me, Bokkun,” Atsumu said, half a truth and half a lie. Atsumu knew just how much had changed between the two of them ever since that fateful Friday night, but none of it was too unfamiliar to Atsumu. It was just like going back to their starting line. Going back to the shore after hours and hours of enjoying the waves of the ocean.
Kiyoomi just went back to treating Atsumu like how he did back when he first started in MSBY — a teammate, a setter, not even close to a friend.
Bokuto faked a loud gasp, placing his palm against his chest as if he were offended by Atsumu’s statement.
“And people tell me that I’m the dumb one in the team!!” Bokuto earned a jab from Atsumu at the remark, but the older man just laughed a little before he continued.
“No, really! Omi seems different. He doesn’t smile as much anymore. He doesn’t enjoy hitting spikes as much anymore. He’s also speaking up less and less, but I guess that’s because you don’t tease him as much anymore so there are less fights occurring during practice.”
“C’mon, Bokkun. We all know Omi doesn’t smile that much anyway.”
This time, Bokuto looked at Atsumu with a smirk flaunted on his face, like he was so proud that he knew something which even Atsumu was not aware of.
“He does. He always does that little smile whenever you would toss to him.”
“He probably just smiled because he scored from my toss,” Atsumu tried to rebut. Atsumu tried to deny the fact that Kiyoomi was smiling because of him. No. He’d had enough of giving himself half a hope and half a poison to swallow only for him to wallow in pain later.
“That’s what I thought at first too! But y’know, he doesn’t smile like that when there are other people setting a toss for him. It’s like a reserved thing for you, y’know what I mean?”
Atsumu took a deep breath and decided to keep his quiet. Atsumu finished his can of beer and immediately grabbed another so he could busy his mouth with the drinking. At least he would have just a tiny reason not to respond to Bokuto’s remarks. At least he would have something to distract himself with as he tried to stop his thoughts from being filled with hopes and dreams and unnecessary wishes.
“And I’m worried for you too, Atsumu.”
Atsumu flinched at the sudden call of his full name. Rare were the times when Bokuto called him with his first name and not the nickname they all just randomly agreed to call Atsumu, so no one could blame him if he suddenly felt tensed at the attention provided to him.
“You don’t ever show that goofy smile of yours whenever you’d ace a serve. You don’t ever show that shit-eating grin whenever you would set a toss. You seemed to be focusing too much on volleyball and I’m worried that you’re overworking yourself, y’know? Kiyoomi stopped playing with you every after practice too, so there’s no one else to stop you whenever you’re working beyond exhaustion! Jeez. And you won’t let me worry about you so you’re try’na act like everything’s fine! You’ve always been a stubborn one, Tsum-tsum.”
Atsumu almost smiled at the remarks, if not for the fact that Bokuto was actually nagging. For a moment, Atsumu felt like he was back in Hyogo, where there was a certain farmer who would probably nag at him the same way Bokuto was doing at the moment. Atsumu wondered if he ever did something good in his past life to deserve a gift of older-brother-figures from the deities above despite all the troubles that he had subjected himself into.
Atsumu had long since finished the can of beer on his hand, but he didn’t move to grab another one. For a few minutes, the poor sound effects of the movie playing were the only noise between them two. Atsumu was trying to get himself busy watching the poorly animated movie, but his mind was clearly getting lost somewhere else.
Atsumu almost wanted to tell Bokuto what was really happening. He contemplated for a bit, thought about what could happen should anyone else become aware of the curse that he had been living with for years. Atsumu had no doubts that Bokuto would believe him, no matter how outrageous the subject matter would sound like. Atsumu almost wanted to confess, to say everything and probably ask Bokuto what he would have done had he been the one placed in Atsumu’s situation.
Atsumu opened his mouth, but quickly retracted it as the sound of the door opening echoed throughout the apartment.
“Oh! Welcome home, Keiji!” Bokuto immediately said before he stood up and almost ran his way towards Akaashi. The younger man glanced at Atsumu’s way before he met Bokuto’s eyes.
“Please tell me you did not kidnap another teammate,” Akaashi answered instead of the usual I’m home.
“What? No! Tsum-tsum gladly agreed to be with me!”
Akaashi just shifted his gaze towards Atsumu, trying to squeeze out a confession from the blonde. Had this been any other night, Atsumu would have told Akaashi that he had been pulled here without his consent and Bokuto probably would have whined in front of Akaashi. But this wasn’t any other night. Atsumu neither had the energy nor the brain cell capacity to say anything else other than a simple, “Yeah! We’re good. I really did wanna come here, Akaashi-san.”
Akaashi finally looked back at Bokuto and that was the only cue which Bokuto needed for him to lean down and place a chaste peck on Akaashi’s forehead.
Atsumu had always seen the two of them be at least a little intimate with each other. There were never any grand gestures, just a few smiles exchanged every now and then, a few fingers touching beneath the table when they’re having a dinner, or a few leaning against Bokuto’s shoulders when Akaashi became a little too drunk on a Saturday night.
Yet, this was probably the most private ordeal that Atsumu had to see. Atsumu almost wanted to take his eyes off of the two, too conscious about the fact that he was witnessing an intimate moment inside the confines of their home. But something about the way Bokuto gently pinched Akaashi’s cheeks, or the way Akaashi smiled just a little at the gesture, made Atsumu just stare at them with a small smile forming on his face.
It was warm.
“Atsumu-san, please don’t hesitate to call me if Kou is being so pushy once again. I’ll just be working in the room,” Akaashi said before he bowed a little and headed towards their room, leaving a defensive and almost whining Bokuto behind. Atsumu chuckled at the sight and he finally managed to grab another can of beer, taking a sip of it as he watched Bokuto plump down back to the space beside Atsumu.
“I wish I could have that.” The luxury of loving and being loved back, are the words unsaid.
Atsumu didn’t know if it was because of the buzz brought about by the cans of beer they’d been having since earlier, but Bokuto still seemed to comprehend everything that Atsumu was leading to despite all the thoughts unsaid, despite all the feelings held back.
“Then why would you let go of the opportunity in front of you, Tsum-tsum?”
Atsumu closed his eyes for a moment and took a deep breath. He played with the can of beer on his hand, circling it over and over again before he took another sip, as if doing so would give him the courage he knew he didn’t have at the moment. Atsumu thought about revealing his secret to Bokuto once again, spilling anything and everything that was buried behind the fragile walls he built for himself.
Yet, the picture of Bokuto’s hands against Akaashi’s cheeks and Akaashi’s small smile only directed to the older man flashed through Atsumu’s mind.
He couldn’t tell Bokuto — no, not yet, maybe never.
He knew Bokuto wouldn’t pity him, but there was a chance that Bokuto would probably always mind him whenever Akaashi was around. There was a chance that Bokuto would probably be more reserved with Akaashi whenever Atsumu was there to see them two. He knew Bokuto wouldn’t pity him, but Bokuto would worry. Of course, Bokuto would worry about him and he couldn’t bear to see one of the brightest stars in the universe act so withdrawn with his love just because of Atsumu’s misfortune.
Yet, Atsumu couldn’t bear to lie in front of Bokuto anymore.
“Because I’m scared,” Atsumu finally admitted. “I’m scared of him falling in love with me because tomorrow, he might just suddenly forget about me. Tomorrow, he would probably wake up and just forget about the love that he once shared with me. He would probably wake up and realize that he could just go on about his day even without me.”
Atsumu drank from his can of beer once again, downing the beverage in half as if to find the fuel he needed in order to admit the next few words once again.
“I’m scared, Bokkun. I’m scared of the fact that tomorrow, I’d probably wake up and see that I’m the only one who’s left with all these overwhelming feelings.”
Atsumu didn’t know if what he was saying was making sense to someone who didn’t have any idea about what his curse was all about. He didn’t know if the words were making sense to someone who was living happily with the love of his life. Yet, Bokuto just chuckled and reached out for Atsumu’s hair, messing with it before he answered.
“Worry about that when it happens, Tsum-tsum. Why would you deprive yourself of the chance to love him and be loved back today just because you’re scared of losing all these things tomorrow?”
Atsumu took his time to process the question, yet a bitter chuckle just escaped his lips as he leaned his neck against the back rest, staring at the panned ceiling before answering the question with yet another question.
“How do you do that, Bokkun? How do you manage to stay despite the risk that Akaashi-san would fall out of love when tomorrow comes?”
Atsumu knew that was impossible. Akaashi was just as smitten with Bokuto the same way his twin brother was so smitten with Suna. Atsumu believed it was impossible for them to fall out of love, yet it was the closest example he could think of without revealing anything about his own misfortune.
Bokuto placed his empty can of beer aside, mimicking Atsumu and leaning his neck against the backrest to stare at the ceiling — as if there’s the sky and the stars or any constellations present at the plain white.
“I may not know what the future holds, but if right here, right now, right at this very moment, Keiji can picture me out as the one he’ll be spending the rest of his life with, then that’s good enough for me. That’s reason enough for me to stay.”
“Aren’t ‘ya scared? Knowing that tomorrow ‘yer not sure if he’ll still choose to love you?”
Atsumu expected a cheery response from the older one. Atsumu expected another positive remark, another comment made in hopes of lifting the mood up, but for minutes Bokuto remained quiet. Atsumu had to tilt his head to check if Bokuto had fallen asleep amidst the conversation, but the spiker was still widely awake, staring at the ceiling, thinking, contemplating.
A soft smile slowly curved on his lips and the words Atsumu least expected from him finally revealed themselves.
“I’m scared, too, Tsum-tsum,” Bokuto said as a whisper, but Atsumu still heard it loud and clear.
“Just thinking about Keiji finally realizing that maybe I’m not really worth all his time and patience and love makes me feel so jittery. Oh! Did I use the word jittery correct?” Atsumu chuckled a little before he nodded and Bokuto took it as his cue to continue.
“But I’ve got no time to spare thinking about tomorrow. All I can ever think about is the today. All I can ever focus on is the now. Today, I’m gonna make him fall in love with me. Today, I’m gonna show him that I’m worth all his time and patience. Today, I’m gonna prove to him that I’m madly in love with him.”
“Every single day, I’m trying to do that. Every single day, I’m trying to show him just how much I love him. After all, not because I already have him meant that I’m not gonna lose him tomorrow, or the day after, or even the next month. I can only focus on the things I can do right now so I can hold onto him and hope that maybe, just maybe, today — Keiji will still choose to love me, too.”
Bokuto chuckled, as if the topic they were talking about was something to be taken lightly, but the words he was saying kept on piercing through Atsumu with the truth.
“We’re all trying to hold onto things that we have at the moment because we’re afraid of losing them one day. Isn’t doing our best right at this moment to keep them with us good enough? Day after day, choosing to express just how much we want them by our side — isn’t that reason enough to stay?”
Atsumu kept on staring at the ceiling for a few moments, until realization finally dawned upon him and he couldn’t help the laughter starting to bubble out of his chest. Atsumu laughed, and it was the first time in a while that he had laughed so sincerely. Atsumu laughed, because how could he miss such an obvious fact slapping him in the face? How could he miss such an obvious thing to do? How could he miss such an obvious answer to all his questions? Atsumu laughed until he could no longer catch his breath. Atsumu laughed until there were tears welling on his eyes.
Atsumu laughed and only stopped when he realized that Bokuto might have taken offense at the sudden laughter after such a serious topic being discussed on hand, but the moment he shifted his gaze towards Bokuto, Atsumu saw the older man only staring at him with a genuine smile on his face.
“That’s the first time in a while that you’ve laughed, Tsum-tsum! I missed your ugly laugh!” Atsumu rolled his eyes and jabbed Bokuto playfully. The blonde took a deep breath and smiled — this time genuine, honest, sincere.
“Thanks for bringing me back to my senses, Bokkun.”
“So, have you decided?” Bokuto asked. Atsumu didn’t even know how could Bokuto understand half of what was happening when Atsumu couldn’t even bring himself to explain everything properly. Nevertheless, Atsumu was now firm with the answer Bokuto had helped him to arrive at.
“Yeah.”
“Good luck then, Tsum-tsum!”
This time around, Atsumu would no longer hesitate.
—
9AM on a Saturday morning found Atsumu in front of Kiyoomi’s door, holding a bento box he cooked and prepared while he had Osamu watch him via video call. Atsumu took a deep breath and pressed the doorbell. There’s no turning back. After all the talk that Bokuto gave him, Atsumu finally decided to push through.
Atsumu had finally decided not to stay on the shore nor just be content with playing on the shoreline. This time around, Atsumu would no longer step further into the deep in a trance. Atsumu would no longer let himself to simply drown in the turbulent waves of the ocean. Atsumu would no longer explore the unventured expanse with nothing but fears that someday he would be left alone to drown.
This time around, Atsumu would make sure to enjoy swimming across the majestic blue. Atsumu would make sure to focus not on the depths of the unknown, but the beauty of the vast paragon.
Kiyoomi finally opened his door and Atsumu immediately smiled at the familiar sight — the black robe covering his entire body, his arms crossed against his chest, his soft curls perfectly dried after a shower, his lips already tainted with the lip balm Atsumu got for him, and his cheeks almost glowing from the sunlight.
“Good morning, Omi!”
Kiyoomi just stared at him — that, too, was familiar, and a chuckle escaped from Atsumu’s lips.
“What is it this time, Miya?”
The words uttered were the same words he heard after everything went into shambles. Yet, Atsumu no longer felt so cold. Atsumu no longer felt the fret he had before. This time, Atsumu was a little more confident, a little stronger, and a little braver. He handed out the bento box and Kiyoomi furrowed his brows at it, seemingly confused as to what was being handed to him.
Kiyoomi took his time glancing from Atsumu to the bento box repeatedly, but Atsumu didn’t retract his arms. With his forehead creased, Kiyoomi slowly reached out for the bento to finally accept it. Atsumu took another deep breath, ready to say the one thing he had been practicing repeatedly in front of the mirror, but Kiyoomi managed to break the silence first between them two.
“What is this for?” Kiyoomi asked in his usual stern voice, and oddly enough, Atsumu felt more at ease and comfortable.
“It’s Omelette and other stuff. I cooked it myself!”
“I still don’t see where you’re getting at, Miya.”
“Well, if you’d just let me finish talking then we’d be getting to the point already.”
This, too, was familiar. The teeny, little banters that they always had. The banters which always arose from the most insignificant things happening between them. Atsumu found himself smiling once again. He saw Kiyoomi raise his brow, but he kept his quiet, urging Atsumu to continue. So, the blonde took one last deep breath before he finally answered.
“I like you, Kiyoomi.”
It was the first step that Atsumu had decided to do after their talk last night. Atsumu finally decided not to run away from his feelings. Atsumu finally decided to face his fear and just let his feelings be known to Sakusa Kiyoomi. Atsumu was too tired of running away, too tired of the lies, too tired of hiding his feelings under the pretense of being Kiyoomi’s friend. This time around, Atsumu knew exactly what to do to solve his problems without running away from the root cause of it.
“I like you, Kiyoomi,” Atsumu said once again, this time firmer, louder, bolder.
Kiyoomi was just staring at him, too stunned about the sudden confession to utter any coherent words.
“And I’ll make you fall in love with me, Kiyoomi. That’s a promise! So, brace yourself, m’kay?”
Atsumu would no longer think about the tomorrow. Atsumu would only focus on the now. Right now, right at this moment, Atsumu would show Kiyoomi how madly in love he was with Kiyoomi. Atsumu would show Kiyoomi that he was worth all the time and patience and trust and love. Atsumu would show Kiyoomi that he would never let go — curses and fate be damned for all he cares.
So, what if Kiyoomi would forget him as soon as he fell in love with him?
Then, Atsumu would just repeat the process and make Kiyoomi fall in love with him — over and over and over and over again.
His answer to the cruel rule was just as simple as that.