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They called me a ‘gifted child’.
That stupid term. When someone looks over all the work you spent hours and hours over and says it’s simply because you’re a ‘gifted child’, well it pisses any normal person off. It pisses me off the most. This, this stupid complex built around being the best and it becoming an expectation as opposed to a goal started when I was young. I can’t remember the exact day it stopped being “Good job!” and “Excellent!” and turned into phrases like “As expected,” and “Same as last time.”. God, that phrase just pisses me off and makes me wanna explode the whole fucking world as opposed to just the training grounds I have access to.
My old man works a ton so he's barely around and when he is, well, he's not much help for anything except giving you weird slightly encouraging comments. I mean honestly, “You’re doing much better than the last time I saw you!” when the old geezer fucking lives in the same house. A fan favorite though is “I heard that you were smart but I couldn’t really believe it, you’re a good kid Katsuki.” like that's supposed to make up for all the dinners I’ve either had to eat alone or with the hag. Not like the hags any better, always nagging me to be more relaxed, softer, to blunt some of those rough edges you got. She doesn’t really want me anymore, the kid she goddam raised. She wants me to be a weak crybaby. To be Deku. The same useless idiot who always brags and boasts about how he’ll be the best one day, the Ultimate Hero he says, without putting in any of the effort he has to because he’s quirkless. His determination that doesn't go anywhere pisses me off. The weird half praises I get for my A+’s piss me off. My own mother wanting me to be like a different kid who’s not even hers pisses me off. It would be easier to just calm down like they say I should, to take a chill pill, to stop stressing over small things like a simple group project and just let go. That sounds fucking nice in theory, except for the fact that I can’t. Oh yeah I want to I guess, but it doesn’t really work that way.
My self worth is still based on stupid letter grades that I desperately beg myself to care less about but can’t. It’s a ruthless cycle that started when being the best became normal and getting a B on a math test meant concerned glances as if I’m some weakling that needs help and to be rescued instead of a thumbs up for scoring well.
I can handle myself. I can do things the way I want to, no need to, because I am the best. I am a goddam ‘gifted child’ even if the stupid phrase downplays how much fucking effort I put into menial things that I shouldn’t. I don’t need stupid half praises from a guy who shares half my DNA with yet barely see once a week. I don’t need the old hags praises and for her to look at me like I’m me for once. I don’t need teachers whose opinions mean shit yet still throw out praise with a goddam genuine smile. I don’t need friends who are actually friends and don’t run away the second they get scared. I don’t need anything except myself. Because I am everything anyone needs, I am the best.
Except, I’m not. I’m not the best at talking to people and getting them to understand what I really mean. I’m not the best at understanding stupid inside jokes everyone gets that I don’t. I’m not the best at being strong. I’m not the best at being independent. I’m not the best at being anything people need god dammit. Instead of doing the saving like a hero really should, I end up being the weakling who needs to be saved. The idiot who gets suspended for dumb shit because they aren’t good enough to have the teacher always on their side. The fool whose parents barely acknowledge him and when they do, it’s like they see through him instead. The absolute moron who’s relying on people who call themselves his friends as if they won’t run when things get shaky, but they don’t for once. I’m still the best even if I’m not the top of class rankings and am the worst at a lot of things but, now, there are new things that change the previously monotone cycle of winning and making fun of the losers.
Now there are groups of idiots who offer sugar-coated words of faith and comfort that are just as sweet in the middle every time I don’t rank first place. Now there are genuine words of kindness and praise being thrown at me in exchange for my hard work because I’m not just labeled a ‘gifted child’. Now there are useless nerds who actually put in effort and get called out on doing weird shit, but try to fix it and do most of the time. Things have changed and by god does that make me uncomfortable but, it’s working. It’s unnerving to have people look at me and actually look at me. Who look at the useless amounts of effort put into small things and just smile instead of mocking me for putting in hours and hours of work and getting a simple B+. Because, they don’t think losers drag them down. They stick even when a certain group of morons fail multiple classes, they don’t abandon them. They offer tutoring, but in a group study session so it doesn’t seem targeted. They put in effort to understand and learn about everyone in this stupid randomly generated class of losers. For once though, I don’t mind being a loser if it means getting to feel this weird warm fuzzy feeling that makes me feel like how I did when I first got the quirk that allowed me to make it this far. Who needs the stupid phrase of being a ‘gifted child’ when you can be surrounded by others who also put in the same stupid amount of work for a simple group project and think being chill is boring.
So yeah, the phrase still pisses me off and I wish I could just calm down about the smallest of things but, it looks like I’m doing something right if it got me this far.