Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

FelixSmelix:

Tired because you keep hearing the same scandal over and over again? Confused because you have no idea what’s going on? Well, look no further! I, the great FelixSmelix, will break down to you the media’s latest scandals—in detail!—so that you’ll never have to look elsewhere again! This time, on our 57th edition of Celebrity Crash, we bring you the media’s spiciest drama yet: The Hot Damn Incident.

WHAT IS THE HOT DAMN INCIDENT?

The Hot Damn Incident is the infamous incident in which Ajax—more famously known as “Childe Tartaglia”—accidentally utters the words “Hot damn” on a live BBC interview at the sight of his colleague’s shirtless photo. As a result, this clip has been circulated over 1 million times on Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram, as well as presented on The Late Late Show with James Corden and the Graham Norton Show. There have been variations of his memes, too, with the most famous being the Hot Damn Remix 24 hours after the release and the Hot Damn Scene, but with blowhorns 72 hours after. 

WHY IS THE HOT DAMN INCIDENT SO FAMOUS?

Simple: Because it’s funny. For one, Ajax is known to have a loose tongue when it comes to interviews. There have been many instances in which he's accidentally spilled out what he thought, the most famous one being his unexpected spoiler of the “Eleventh Harbinger”’s Ending where he apologized later on Twitter, claiming, “I swear to you I didn’t mean to say the ending out loud!” He also spoiled the ending of The Last Yaksha and Morax: The Archon War on a more minor scale, but still terrible enough that producers have claimed that, “they will never let Ajax sit on a script reading ever again”. 

The “Hot Damn” incident is also particularly funny because the shirtless picture on the interview happens to belong to his co-star, Zhongli, who plays Morax in the Genshin Universe. As known by all of Twitter, Ajax has had a humongous crush on Zhongli since he first started acting (proof can be seen here and here). Ajax is also very much gay, which makes it more hilarious because basically half of Twitter after that tagged Zhongli so hard, he became the number one trending hashtag for three weeks straight. Zhongli even posted on Twitter after that, writing, “I am uncertain as to why I was summoned, but I like you too, Ajax.” Needless to say, Twitter absolutely lost it.

But wait! Zhongli said he liked Childe?

To get to the core of this, you’ll have to essentially look at the whole history of Zhongli and Ajax and—since this is about them—we’ve decided to put up a timeline so that you sort of get the gist of how their relationship works:

14th February 2018

Ajax becomes a rising star after acting in minor roles in Sherlock (BBC) and Hannibal ( HBO) where he’s gained notoriety as “the most beloved side character who always keeps dying”.

15th February 2018

Zhongli posts on Twitter after a 3-year hiatus to praise the acting of Ajax in both shows, citing, “I have seen excellent actors, but nobody as praise-worthy as the up-and-coming star Ajax. Bravo.”

16th February 2018

Ajax tweets back sixteen heart emojis and a GIF of him kneeling on the ground, wheezing.

1st April 2018

Ajax gets selected to play a minor role in Morax: The Archon War. Announcements are made through the official Liyue Production’s social media in which images of Ajax leaning against Zhongli are a worldwide hit.

15th December 2018

The first teaser of the ‘Morax: The Archon War’ has been released. (P.S Please check it out if you haven’t!! You have no idea how cool it is to see Zhongli in his golden coat and Ajax in his badass leather armor!) It becomes the top trending video on Youtube for a week straight.

16th December 2018

Ajax retweets on Twitter regarding the teaser, tagging @ZhongliLikesCats with, “Wouldn’t have gotten this role without you buddy. You’re the best :)”

Zhongli retweets the same day, “See you on stage soon, Ajax.”

Zhongli and Ajax do a simultaneous interview with James Corden that same night, with Ajax wearing a white-gold tuxedo and Zhongli in black-gold. Half of Twitter points out their Dragon-Phoenix designs are matching. When James Corden points it out, Ajax says, “I just wanted to feel closer to Zhongli for once!” and Zhongli responds with a soft look, saying, “We are already close Ajax.” This scene becomes the number one trending video for the next six days.

21st January 2019

Zhongli and Ajax both post snapshots of each other in the mirror in which they’re in full Archon War get-up. Ajax is clinging on to Zhongli and Zhongli’s mid-laugh with scrunched-up eyes. Twitter also notes that Ajax is in full-Childe Bloodbath, where he’s dripping red with injury make-up. Zhongli writes, “With a friend”. Ajax writes, “About to die with my bff! @ZhongliLikesCats”

21st January 2019

Ekaterina (director of Morax: The Archon War) angrily tweets on her feed, “@ajaxhamtaro I TOLD YOU TO NOT RELEASE SPOILERS!!!!!!!!!!!”

22nd January 2019

Ajax tweets, “I’m banned from all social media for the next 3 weeks. If I don’t come out alive, y’all, remember that I loved you.”

2nd February 2019

Zhongli tweets, “No worries, Ajax is alive”, with a picture of him sitting next to Ajax with three cats between them. Ajax is cuddling with a particularly black one with golden eyes.

4th February 2019

@YakshaXiao tweets to Zhongli and Ajax, “Just get a room already.” He trends for 2 weeks.

24th June 2019

Radio-silence in regards to this development until Ajax releases the countdown to ‘Morax: The Archon War’. Hellfire sings all over.

1st July 2019

Ajax posts an image of him wearing matching tuxedos with Zhongli and the words, “IT’S OUT!!!!!” in all caps. Zhongli’s leaning against his shoulders with a smile.

Xiao posts an image later where he rolls his eyes in front of Ajax and Zhongli, who are both inconspicuously cuddling up to each other. He writes, “I have unofficially gained two idiots.”

Ajax tweets back, “We’re not idiots.”

Xiao tweets back, “Yeah? Then admit you’re both dating.”

Zhongli writes, “We’re dating?’

Hellfire two starts.

3rd July 2019

#gettheidiotstogether becomes Twitter’s number one hashtag, followed by #theArchonWar

4th July 2019

Ajax tweets, “Happy 4th of July!”

Xiao tweets, “Only if you admit you’re dating.”

Zhongli, again, tweets, “We’re dating?”

12th July 2019

It’s The Day. Ajax comes up onto the BBC show to be interviewed regarding the announcement of the Eleventh Harbinger, in which he talks about being able to act as Childe Tartaglia again. He says, “I’m very excited to act as Childe again. I think he’s a very complex character and that he deserves so much more. I’m very honored to have gotten this position.”

The interviewer adds (very slyly), “Is there anything else you’d like to say?”

Ajax grins back as he answers, “Yeah. I’d like to thank Zhongli, too, for sticking through this whole thing with me even with the, ah, Twitter feud going on right now. We're not dating, by the way,” he adds the last part with a desperate look.

Another interviewer leans forward. “Zhongli? As in your co-star Zhongli?”

Ajax smiles. “Yeah? Who else would it be?” Laughter. Ajax winks at the camera and puts his hands up. “Sorry, Zhongli!”

“Oh, just confirming. It’s this guy, correct?” The interviewer gestures at the TV behind them. It comes on. Lo and behold, Zhongli’s half-naked photo as Morax shows up with bright golden eyes and obsidian arms. His eyes are glowing gold in this, and swirls of silver can be seen trailing all around him. Everyone’s waiting for Ajax to make a comeback or something, but instead, he just gaps at the image and then at Zhongli’s abs.

“Hot damn,” he says.

The video breaks 3 million shares under half a day.

14th July 2019

Twitter starts its number one tagging spree on @ZhongliLikesCats.

15th August 2019

Radio silence until Ajax talks about the Eleventh Harbinger again on Twitter, and this time he says, “After filming that one scene where Morax confesses his love to Childe, I realized that I’m probably really gay for Zhongli, too. Ah shit.” It’s posted at 3.13 am in the morning.

A fan goes, "MORAX CONFESSES HIS LOVE TO CHILDE?!?!?!?!"

Ekaterina writes, "Ajax I am going to KILL YOU."

16th August 2019

Zhongli finally tweets at 7am, “I am uncertain as to why I was summoned, but I like you too, Ajax.”

17th August 2019

Xiao tweets, “FUCKING FINALLY.”

25th August 2019

Zhongli and Ajax both tweet, “Merry Christmas from the Archon duo! Put The Eleventh Harbinger on your calendars now because it’s now coming this Valentine's day. Are you excited!?”

A fan tweets, “Wait, what do you mean Archon duo?? Isn’t Morax the only Archon in the whole series????”

Ekaterina tweets, “AJAAAAAAAAX!!!!!!!!!”

26th August 2019

Why even bother quoting? I'll just put the official statement here:

Zhongli @ZhongliLikesCats . 2h

We're dating!

Needless to say, it was worth it.

Any questions/concerns? Come e-mail me at [email protected]! Or contact Ekaterina at [email protected] in case of Ajax's ridiculous spoilers again.

Chapter Text

My Boyfriend Tries Chinese Food!

3,157,298 views. 1st Nov 2019

1,839,298 Likes     1,209 Dislikes

ZhongliLikesCats 

909,405 subscribers

(Screen fades into a scene of Zhongli and Ajax sitting side by side in front of a pristine white table. The background is of a cozy living room with two large beige couches, a large carpet, and a tall glass window overlooking a broad, leafy garden.)

AJAX (Not looking at the camera):

 So how do we do this?

EKATERINA (in the background):

Just be yourself.

AJAX:

You mean like this? (Starts trying to kiss Zhongli)

(Zhongli sweeps in and kisses Ajax full on the mouth.)

(The scene bleeps out only to return to a neutral scene of Ajax suppressing his laughter and Zhongli smiling just a tad bit.)

AJAX (doing his best to not lose it):

Hey, guys! Welcome to our first episode of “My Boyfriend Tries” on Zhongli’s youtube channel! We’ve never done something like this before, so we have no idea what to do.

ZHONGLI (still pleasantly cuddling Childe):

Mm.

XIAO (in the background):

That’s it? ‘Mm?’ What the fuck, Zhongli?

(Scene bleeps out again.)

AJAX:
WELCOME (he glares off camera) to the first episode of “My Boyfriend Tries…” on Zhongli’s Youtube Channel where, today, we’ll be here trying Chinese food!

ZHONGLI:

Technically, only you’re trying Chinese food.

AJAX:

Zhongli!

EKATERINA (off screen):

It’s fine, keep rolling!

AJAX:

Anyway, yeah. I’m going to be here trying five Chinese dishes that are Zhongli's favourite and I’m going to rank them according to how much I like them.

ZHONGLI:

Do I need to get the survey ready?

AJAX:
Zhongli, I told you you don’t need to get a survey ready.

ZHONGLI:

Yes, I understand, but isn’t it better to have a more accurate description of how much you like the dishes? So I’ll know what to make next time when we have dinner together.

AJAX:
You make it sound like we eat dinner only once a week.

ZHONGLI:
We do.

AJAX:

Okay, nobody heard that. BUT- (Ajax does Jazz hands)- I’m trying Chinese food! Yay! So can we get out the first dish?

(Scene cuts out to the sight of someone standing in front of the camera. It’s Xiao with his bright neon hair and arm tattoos.)

XIAO (moving out of the camera):

You have to eat it with chopsticks.

AJAX:

Wait what?

(Zhongli is repositioning the white flat plate on the table in front of Ajax. It contains a pile of noodles with pork, prawns and some veggies on top of it).

ZHONGLI (still repositioning the plate):

Indeed. It’s only an authentic Chinese experience if you eat it with chopsticks.

AJAX:

Guys, I can’t. I legit can’t.

ZHONGLI: 

You can.

AJAX:
Babe, you have seen me trying to pick up rice with chopsticks. I can’t .

EKATERINA (off-screen):

Okay, banter aside, tell us a little about the dish, Zhongli!

ZHONGLI (looks up startled):

Oh. The first dish is a rather famous dish in my hometown. It’s called Yee Mee, which is basically a stir-fried crispy noodle dish drenched in a Cantonese-styled sauce. You can cook it with anything--eggs, bok choy, even prawns. Most of the time, though, I prefer it simple and add eggs, pork and bok choy as the standard fillings. It comes from the far east of China.

AJAX:

It smells kind of good.

XIAO (off camera):
No shit, Sherlock.

AJAX:

So, how do we eat this?

(Zhongli picks up a pair of chopsticks and plucks up a strand of noodles. Then, he curls it into a ball on a thick spoon and holds it in front of Ajax.)

ZHONGLI:

Like this.

AJAX:

What is this sorcery.

ZHONGLI:

Try it, Ajax.

AJAX (obviously sweating):

Okay, okay. 

(Ajax picks up his chopsticks. Looking between Zhongli and the plate, he holds his chopsticks in a demonic X formation where his tips have somehow crossed each other. Carefully, he tries to grab against a strand.)

AJAX:

Okay. Okay calm.

ZHONGLI:

That’s right, nice and slow.

AJAX:

I am nice and slow.

ZHONGLI:

You are cheeky and quick, but I suppose we’re not going to talk about that.

(Groaning from off screen.)

XIAO:

Can I leave?

EKATERINA:

No.

AJAX:
Guys, I am trying to pick up noodles HAVE SOME FAITH IN ME HERE PLEASE.

XIAO:

You are shit, Ajax.

ZHONGLI:
Xiao.

XIAO:

Fuck off!

AJAX:

That’s not how you talk to your father! (He picks up a noodle strand). Oh, OH. ZHONGLI!! ZHONGLI, LOOK!!

ZHONGLI:

You are magnificent, sweetheart.

AJAX:

OH MY GOD, MY FIRST STRAND. 

(The noodle falls off.)

AJAX:

Oh.

(Ajax gives Zhongli a kicked puppy look. Zhongli looks off screen again and seems to be looking for some sort of affirmation.)

EKATERINA:

...fine, you can feed him.

(Zhongli--at light speed--picks up his chopsticks and picks up a fresh strand of noodles. Then, he piles it on the spoon, along with a piece of pork and small pieces of bok choy. He holds it up to Ajax’s mouth.)

ZHONGLI:

Ah.

AJAX (opens his mouth):

Aaaaaaaaaah

(Zhongli feeds Ajax with what the subtitle-writer now is considering to call the ‘I’d dance in a hula skirt if he asked me to’ face.)

(Ajax chews with a face that slowly morphs into awe.)

AJAX (mouth full):
Holy shit.

(Zhongli smiles.)

AJAX:

Holy. SHIT. (He swallows). This is so GOOD. What the HECK

EKATERINA:

Language!

AJAX:
BUT YOU DON’T GET IT. Are you telling me I’ve been missing this out my whole life?!?!?!

ZHONGLI:

I’ve been insisting we go to that Liyue cuisine shop downtown. This is why.

AJAX:
Why didn’t you insist harder!?

ZHONGLI:

Because you’ve been overworking yourself lately and I didn’t want to push you.

(Ajax looks at Zhongli with a completely whipped face. Someone is, again, groaning off screen.)

XIAO:

Can I PLEASE leave.

EKATERINA:
Don’t do it.

AJAX:

I’d kiss you again on screen if Kat isn’t going to kill me off screen later.

ZHONGLI:

You will have me for as much as you want later on.

XIAO:
We’re censoring that, right?

EKATERINA: 

OKAY, onto the second dish!

(Scene cuts to Xiao holding another plate. He’s glaring at Ajax as he does.)

XIAO:

You better say you like this dish.

AJAX: 

Why?

(Zhongli whispers against Ajax.)

AJAX:

Oooooh, alright. Got it.

(The scene pans to Ajax poking at what looks like cubes of tofu on a particularly deep red sauce with ground beef and onions on it. He looks up at Zhongli.)

AJAX:

And this is…?

ZHONGLI:

Ma Po Tofu. It’s a famous Chuan Cuisine dish that has spanned more than a hundred years. Drenched with a sauce that’s spicy and tinged with onions and ground beef, the tofu has been soaking in this for quite a while so that you can absorb the maximum flavour when you bite into it.

AJAX:

No kidding. I can smell the spice.

ZHONGLI:

Can you handle spicy?

AJAX:

Of course I can! Who do you think I am? 

(Ajax looks at the camera with a pained, wide smile.)

AJAX:

I’ll be fine.

(Zhongli discreetly makes a hand gesture to some staff off screen.)

AJAX (picking up his chopsticks):
Alright, round two.

ZHONGLI:
Do you want me to just do it for you?

AJAX (looking at his chopsticks):

You know what.

(He puts down his chopsticks)

AJAX:

Do it.

XIAO:
You’re weak.

AJAX:

No you.

ZHONGLI:

Alright, ah. (He pulls up a tofu inside a spoon at light-speed) Careful, it’s hot.

(Ajax snaps it into his mouth before Zhongli can try to feed it to him slowly.)

AJAX:

HMmhmgfgmmghg

XIAO: 

What was that?

(Ajax opens and closes his mouth. He makes a fanning motion with his hands.)

EKATERINA:

Oh. OH, he’s saying it’s too spicy!! Wait, where’s the water?? The-

(Someone magically shows up behind Zhongli. It’s a small girl with a red hat and she smiles brightly at Zhongli.)

KLEE (whisper-shouts):

I got you a gift! 

ZHONGLI:

Thank you. (He extends his hands to receive what is clearly a glass of milk from her.) You will be rewarded for this.

(Klee giggles and jumps off camera.)

(Ajax is still huffing from his mouth when he swallows and yells,)

AJAX:
HOT!

ZHONGLI:

I warned you. (He feeds Ajax the milk). There. It should lessen the burn a bit.

AJAX:
Oh my god. My tongue is gone. Everything is burning.

ZHONGLI:

I asked you if you could handle spicy.

AJAX:
Well, I handled you! I thought I could handle more than that.

XIAO:

Dude, Zhongli’s as spicy as water.

AJAX:

You take that back.

ZHONGLI (pressing the milk tighter into Ajax’s hands):

I’m assuming you didn’t like that dish very much?

(Ajax looks at the camera to comment on something when there’s a flash of blue in the corner of the camera and what looks suspiciously like a knife.)

AJAX:

I liked it. Very much.

(The knife disappears.)

ZHONGLI (frowning):

Alright.

(Scene bleeps to the scene of Xiao serving two dishes at once.)

AJAX: 

What’s this?

XIAO: 

Two dishes.

AJAX:

At once? I thought we’re doing it one by one.

(Zhongli tucks a hair strand behind Ajax’s ear.)

ZHONGLI: 

Not this one, sweetheart. We’re doing it together because they’re better off as a pair.

AJAX:

Ohhh, so like us, then.

XIAO (narrowly dropping the plates):

Oh my god. I can’t. I can’t, I-

(Xiao puts the plates down and walks off screen. Ekaterina is yelling something loud as Ajax and Zhongli lean over the dishes.)

AJAX:

And these are…?

(Background noises of fighting. Xiao sounds suspiciously like he might cry.)

ZHONGLI:

One’s a very obvious famous dish: Yangchow Fried Rice. It originated from Yangzhou, China, where the fried dish in general is usually made with bamboo shoots, mushroom, carrots, crumbled egg, and diced ham. You usually stir it until the rice gets its trademark yellow shade which signifies it’s ripeness. It’s quite healthy.

(Ekaterina yelling something about giving Xiao a raise if he just sucks up 10 more minutes of this romance and an upgrade in his acting career.)

AJAX:

And the other?

(Silence in the background. A disgruntled “sure” coming from what sounds like Xiao)

ZHONGLI:

It’s called Pork Rib Lotus Root Soup. It’s basically a herbal soup made from peanuts, lotus roots, red dates and dried squid, which brings out this salty peanut-y flavour with the sweetness of ribs. You eat them together because fried rice makes your body heaty, but the lotus rib soup cools your body down.

AJAX:

Oohh okay, I get it now. Can I try?

ZHONGLI:

Certainly. You can eat this with a spoon since there’s soup, but if you want to do it how I sometimes do it, I just drink the soup straight from the bowl.

AJAX:

Oh, okay.

(Ajax picks up the bowl.)

(Ajax brings it up to his mouth.)

(10 seconds before Ajax’s inevitable doom and we all know it, but we’re still watching it anyway.)

(Ajax places the bowl by his mouth.)

(Suddenly, a cat comes flying and shoots the bowl sideways, making the soup pour all over Ajax’s white turtleneck and Zhongli’s dark shirt. The two startle as Ajax yelps from the heat and Zhongli--who somehow seems so unfettered by the bloody heat--ushers him up to get him cleaned up immediately. Somewhere, behind, a voice yells, “Morax, no!!!!” at the yowling cat. It sounds like Klee.)

(Scene cuts off to a scene of Ajax now in an oversized black hoodie with “Morax: The Archon War'' sprawled over it and Zhongli in a white shirt. Zhongli’s holding a cat.)

AJAX:

So.

ZHONGLI (still holding the cat):

Mm.

The Cat/Morax:

Meow.

AJAX (glaring at the cat):

You’re lucky you’re cute.

ZHONGLI AND THE CAT:

Mm.

(Ajax looks at Zhongli baffled.)

ZHONGLI:

Oh, sorry.

AJAX (sighing):

Okay, so we still have one more dish, right?

ZHONGLI:

Ah, right.

(Off screen, two people are talking. Xiao and Ekaterina.)

XIAO:

Aight, I got it.

(Xiao comes out with a bowl. It has what looks like a bunch of really ugly dumplings.)

AJAX (staring at the dish):
Um.

(The camera zooms in. The dumplings are shaped in weird deformed manners--some looking like pebbles, some looking eerily like humans--and they're charred from the bottom-up. From the basic viewer's eyes, it looks like a bunch of rocks.)

ZHONGLI (looking flustered):

Yes. I think what this dish is is incredibly obvious.

AJAX:

Y...eah. It’s… (he prods against a dumpling. It rattles scarily like a rock, too)... unique.

EKATERINA:

Okay, Zhongli. Last one.

ZHONGLI:

Okay, uh (Zhongli looking flustered from using the word ‘uh’), this is a famous soup dumpling called Xiao Long Bao. It comes from the Jiangsu province and it’s most famous for being a, well. A dumpling with meat, onions and soup inside.

AJAX:

Yeah, um… but where’s the soup?

(Ajax prods the dumpling again. It seriously rattles like a rock.)

ZHONGLI:

I… suppose it’s not up to par as the other dishes, but I have… tried my best. At making this. It's the only one I knew.

(Ajax stops prodding the dumpling. His whole body is stunned as though shocked by lightning.)

AJAX:

Wait… so… (he looks at Zhongli. Zhongli looks away.) Did you say…

ZHONGLI (getting redder and redder):

Uh.

(Ajax pauses in silence and looks down at the demonic dumplings. He crosses his fingers over his heart.)

(Then, Ajax shoves all six dumplings into his mouth and chews them with so much vigour, you can hear the cracking of his teeth. Zhongli looks alarmed as he hurriedly pulls out a tissue from nowhere and holds it in front of Ajax.)

ZHONGLI:

Ajax! Spit it out!

AJAX (full-mouthed):

NNMMNMNMNN ( In Russian: NO )

ZHONGLI: 

Ajax!

(Ajax bravely swallows the whole thing. His face looks pale, but he turns to Zhongli).

AJAX:

That’s it. That's my favourite dish.

ZHONGLI:

Ajax, you look ill.

AJAX (pressing a kiss onto Zhongli’s cheeks):

Anything for you babe.

(Ajax proceeds to collapse onto the ground and Zhongli shoots towards him to get catch him before he crashes.)

(The screen blacks out)

(It comes back again to a long message:)

“Due to Ajax Tartaglia going through some tummy issues for the time being he has decided to write down his ranking on a piece of paper.”

(Screen shows a scruffy image of a crumbled up tissue paper)

“Ranking:

1. Dumplings
2. That spicy tofu thing
3. Yee Mee
4. The fried rice
5. Soup and cat”

(Screen fades away and stays blank for 5 seconds before it comes back alive again, and this time it’s a grainy video of Ajax in a hospital bed.)

AJAX (looking at someone off screen):

Wait, what do you mean XIAO cooked ALL OUR DISHES?????