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Part 8 of Group chats. Because therapy is expensive.
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Published:
2021-06-05
Updated:
2021-11-19
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6/?
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Call it a team bonding exercise

Summary:

Mipha makes a glorious mistake to rival all prior mistakes and creates a group chat for the Heroes of Hyrule.

Notes:

Chapter 1: The unintentional himbofication of Link Farore

Chapter Text

Mipha created the group Champions

Mipha added Revali, Link, Zelda, Daruk, and Urbosa

Revali: why

Mipha: this will make it easier to contact each other, since we all live rather far away!

Mipha: It will make it easier for Link to communicate as well

Link: thank you, Mipha.

Daruk: good thinking kiddo!

Zelda: brilliant. You’re brilliant, sister

Revali: what if I don’t want him to communicate

Urbosa: shut it birdcock

Zelda: aaaand we are already off the rails

Daruk: I blame Revali

Urbosa: as you should

Revali:

Zelda: why are her ears so blunt??

Link: 🤷🏼‍♂️

Urbosa: swear by the goddess that single emoji entirely sums Link up

Mipha: how so?

Daruk: girl have you met him?

Mipha: have you?

Revali: oooh discourse

Mipha: no discourse! I just think of him as a man with lots of depth and nuance to him, if you know how to look for it

Urbosa: anna oop

Daruk: 0.o ight my bad sis

Revali: u wrong but ok

Zelda: if you replaced link with a cardboard cutout of that emoji I would not notice, ever

Link: 👍🏻

Link: but then who would make you fruitcake, princess?

Zelda: ...........shit, u right

Link: it happens

Revali: it doesn’t

Urbosa: bird man your only character trait is hating the short elf

Revali: you wouldn’t know character if it slapped you across the face

Urbosa: try it fucker

Mipha: okay no

Zelda: ^^^

Mipha: Revali, please don’t incite conflict. I’d suggest taking some time to yourself. Urbosa, please try not to rise to it. That’s just what he wants! Singing can be very calming, or doing your hair. Try that!

Daruk: it’s ok miphs they’re just flirting

Link: none of you deserve Mipha

Urbosa: you’re absolutely right I’m sorry bby

Mipha: in fact, why don’t you two try to do each other’s hair? That could be a great team bonding exercise!

Revali: NO MIPH

Mipha: ?

Revali: um hair braiding and stuff is a really intimate thing for Ritos

Revali: it’s, like, tantamount to sex

Mipha: oh!

Link: no it isn’t

Urbosa: pretty sure he’d be the authority on it there champ

Link: it can’t be

Daruk: what? Why?

Link: I do Rito people’s hair all the time. Someone always asks me when I drop by the village

Link: it’s no big deal

Revali: ....

Urbosa: eye-

Revali: it... it is, link...

Zelda: oh my goddess

Daruk: HAHAHAHA

Revali: have you seriously been going around braiding Rito’s hair around town??

Link: ....yes

Daruk: THATS THE FUNNIRST SHIT EVER

Mipha: is it really so bad Revali?

Revali: YEAH

Revali: NOW I KNOW WHY THEYRE ALL SO EXCITED WHRN HR DROPS IN I HATE THAT I KNOW THIS

Revali: HOW MANY

Link: i

Link: I don’t know

Daruk: IM CRYING HAHAHAHA

Urbosa: link, you absolute whore

Urbosa: I thought it was just my girls

Zelda: p a r d o n ?

Revali: I HATE THIS

Urbosa: oh yes, they like him quite a bit here. In either outfit

Mipha: what does that mean, Urbosa?

Urbosa: oh nothing

Daruk: BROTHER YOU GOTTA BR THE ONLY MAN ALIVE TO BE AN ACCIDENTAL SLUT

Mipha: don’t call him that!

Link: no, he’s right

Link: whoops

Zelda: If I were hylia I would fire you

Revali: what do you think that would entail

Zelda: actual fire, probably

Zelda: hopefully

Daruk: he does that enough himself

Daruk: how’s the hair buddy

Link: still singed, thanks Daruk

Urbosa: you work it hun

Revali: he doesn’t

Urbosa: get fucked turkey

Link has changed revali’s name to turkey

Turkey: a pox upon you.

Link: no u

Urbosa: HAHAHA GOT EEM didn’t know Link was funny 

Mipha: told you!

Chapter 2: Diet of Link

Summary:

Obviously, we can only scrape the surface of the Diet of Link. Here we delve into the concerning shallows of what are certainly horrible, horrible depths as yet unknown to us mortals for the preservation of sanity.

One time, I made him eat a stick and he did it. I got a quarter of a heart.

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Turkey: hey

Turkey: hey

Turkey: hey

Turkey: hey

Turkey: hey

Turkey: hey

Link: what

Turkey: tell me where you live

Link: absolutely not

Turkey: mipha

Turkey: mipha yu know where he lives right

Mipha: why the sudden interest, revali?

Turkey: mind your business

Turkey: now give me the address

Link: you’ll never catch me, bird boy

Turkey: that’s bird man to you

Turkey: and I will

Daruk: wait a diddly darn minute

Daruk: i thought shortstack lived in the castle

Zelda: he does, but he has his own place elsewhere

Zelda: I would also like to know where it is

Turkey: what

Turkey: how do you not know that

Zelda: how should I? He won’t tell me

Turkey: but you’re the princess

Zelda: and you’re molting what’s your point

Link: get rekt

Link: princess ♥️

Zelda: don’t ♥️ me. Tell me where you live

Link: 😶

Urbosa changed their name to Urboss

Urboss: stop thetextingjm

Urboss: ssloud d

Turkey: urbosa, dearest, are you drunk or hungover

Urboss: woujldnn u likk 2 knoow

Urboss: burd

Link: she’s drunk

Urboss: at least I wenht dnown chassin h a nobel persuitt

Urboss: hahhhdha

Turkey: urbosa where does link live

Urboss: idkk k .. fcuer wont tel me

Turkey: DAMN IT

Turkey: I WILL FIND YOU, HALF PINT

Link: don’t get too worked up, your feathers will start falling out

Link: oh wait

Daruk: HAHAHAHA

Daruk: THAT’S FUNNY

Urboss: I donkt get it

Urboss: only pussy

Urboss: hdhheehe

Mipha: no one knows where he lives?

Turkey: you don’t either??

Mipha: I won’t confirm or deny that I guess

Link: only miphas allowed

Link: only miphas and links

Link: no birds

Zelda: DIVULGE THE LOCATION

Link: I will not

Zelda: WHY

Link: you scare me

Daruk: can I come?

Link: Daruk... I will come to you

Link: I do not trust you in my pint-sized house

Daruk: that fair

Link: but mipha is small like me. She can visit.

Mipha: I love visiting! His home is lovely!

Link: it is nice to have mipha

Daruk: awww!

Daruk: you guys are welcome in my cave anytime

Turkey: your cave gives me claustrophobia

Urboss: blessh u

Turkey: what

Link: you should see the huts at Lurelin

Zelda: the town by the beach?

Link: yeah

Link: some of them have trees growing through them and they’re so small

Link: there are sometimes nice truffles under them though

Zelda: under... the huts?

Link: yes

Daruk: hey what the fuck are you little guy

Turkey: THANK you

Turkey: he’s a fucking rat goblin

Zelda: I have seen him scuttle.

Zelda: it’s chilling.

Urboss: bbaybe

Mipha: he cooks well enough when he can, but when you spend so much time on the road you have to get resourceful!

Daruk: homeboy why u livin off hut truffles

Link: they are delicious

Turkey: you guys act like this is news

Turkey: the shit I’ve seen him eat

Daruk: I think a repressed memory just surfaced

Daruk: there was a lizard

Daruk: we got lizards all over here and one scuttled by and link’s hand shot out to grab it so fast

Daruk: did you eat the lizard

Mipha: what

Daruk: did you

Daruk: did you eat the lizard link

Link: yes

Zelda: LIN K

Zelda: YOU ARE A COOK

Zelda: YOU HAVE ACCESS TO THE ROYAL KITCHENS

Zelda: WHY YOU EAT LIZARD

Link: yum

Daruk: STOP

Link: the Gorons only eat rocks. They do not eat the lizards

Daruk: COURSE NOT RAT MAN

Link: therefore Lizard don’t expect me

Daruk: IS THAT

Daruk: LINK ARE YOU THE REASON FIREPROOF LIZARDS HAVE STARTED RUNNING FROM US

Daruk: THEY NEVER DID BEFORE THEY HAVE NO NATURAL PREDATORS

Link: I am natural predator

Urboss: he iz

Turkey: p l eas e

Zelda: link

Zelda: what created you

Link: nature

Daruk: it certainly wasn’t the goddess

Zelda: YOU HAVE A WHOLE ASS KITCHEN

Zelda: YOU HAVE LIKE 4

Zelda: YOU GET SO EXCITED ABOUT COOKING

Zelda: WHY YOU CHOMP THE LIZARD

Link: yum

Zelda: NO

Urboss: yesss s s

Turkey: one time he looked me dead in the eye and cronched a bird egg

Turkey: with the shell

Turkey: and swallowed

Urboss: thats s power

Turkey: I HAVE BEEN TELLING YOU IMBECILES

Turkey: FOR Y E A R S

Daruk: shut the fuck up ravioli

Zelda: yeah no one asked

Urboss: shh a sh

Mipha: no, Revali.

Turkey: THIS IS ILLEGAL

Zelda: I am the law

Zelda: you are illegal

Link: eat a hut truffle

Daruk: yeah

Daruk: wait

Mipha: ...it’s better than a lizard?

Zelda: .....yeah.

Notes:

What IS link?
Vsauce, Michael here—

Chapter 3: Link does not want to be here: the thrilling saga

Summary:

Zelda: I have worked all my life to worship and understand the goddess. I have done everything, given everything, all my 18 years of living to getting a smidge of her attention. I have done this for my people, for my kingdom, who I live for and will likely die for

Zelda: and Hylia says “I like the little blonde one that eats rocks. I’m keeping him.”

Chapter Text

Daruk: link what’s the worst think you’ve ever eaten

Link: stick

Zelda: pardon?

Link: there was a bonus bug in stick tho

Link: that was nice

Daruk: and you ate that?

Link: ye

Zelda: h ow

Turkey: why

Link: its like chocolate that has secret caramel in it. Yummy surprise

Turkey: but it’s not chocolate with caramel in it it’s stick with bug

Link: yea

Turkey: I fucking hate you

Daruk: i have another repressed memory surfacing

Daruk: when I met link I gave him a rock roast

Daruk: did you eat the rock roast link

Link: it was a gift

Daruk: link

Link: it was a show of companionship

Zelda: what the fuck is your digestive system like?!

Link: the gorons do it

Turkey: THEYRE BASICALLY SENTIENT ROCKS

Daruk: HEY

Mipha: revali, apologize!

Turkey: okay sorry, but they’re MEANT to eat rocks

Turkey: YOU ARE A FOUR FOOT NOTHING HYLIAN WITH SOFT INSIDES

Link: theyre not soft anymore

Zelda: WHAT THE FUC K

Daruk: lil guy do you need therapy

Urboss: maybe a nutritionist

Link: what is that

Mipha: yeah okay

Zelda: I have worked all my life to worship and understand the goddess. I have done everything, given everything, all my 18 years of living to getting a smidge of her attention. I have done this for my people, for my kingdom, who I live for and will likely die for

Zelda: and Hylia says “I like the little blonde one that eats rocks. I’m keeping him.”

Daruk: yeah actually how much does the goddess have to love you for you to still be alive rn link

Turkey: the only reason he’s survived himself is divine intervention

Urboss: Zelda baby you’re doing amazing

Zelda: WHAT MUST I DO

Urboss: fuck this is so sad

Urboss: come here sweetheart

Link: :(

Turkey: WHAT DO YOU MEAN :(

Link: :(

Link: im not happy about it either

Turkey: I m  s o r r y

Turkey: WHAT

Daruk: hold up

Mipha: oh link

Link: do you think I want to be the champion?

Turkey: WHAT T

Daruk: it’s a big honour though, right? You were chosen by the Goddess!

Urboss: how much do you think that means to him

Link: ^^

Turkey: IT SHOULD MEAN EVERYTHING

Link: I am a fighter out of necessity. There is no honour in that.

Link: if the goddess named another, I would gladly forfeit my duties. I owe Hylia nothing, and she owes me nothing. I do not want to fight and die for her.

Link: The fact is, she has more power than me. She has chosen me. I can’t fight her, so I must comply.

Link: as it happens, her goals align with my own. I fight for Hyrule. That’s all.

Daruk: that’s deep lil guy

Zelda: what I’m taking from this is that Link would fight the Goddess given the opportunity

Urboss: that has such powerful energy to it that I have to believe it’s true

Urboss: link is the only voe I have ever met with that kind of power

Turkey: he’s four feet tall urbosa

Urboss: and he matches us gerudo blow for blow, challenges us like no other outsider ever has. The only voes like that are supposed to be the rare Gerudo ones

Urboss: i’ve had to get creative with sneaking him in here or none of them will let him go

Link: I like the gerudo

Link: they are strong

Urbosa: we like you too Link

Link: :)

Turkey: can’t relate

Zelda: keep him

Link: :(

Mipha: you are always welcome at the domain, link! We love you too!!

Link: :)

Daruk: out of curiosity, lil guy

Daruk: what’s your favourite place to be

Link: woods

Daruk: ...

Daruk: yeah, that tracks

Mipha: any woods in particular?

Link: no

Zelda: at least he’ll never run out of sticks

 

Chapter 4: Link: exposed

Summary:

Urboss: would you look at that

Urboss: blackmail

Urboss: link if you don’t tell me where you live I will share your gerudo secrets

Turkey: is this it

Turkey: is the bitch finally getting his just deserts

Link: go off girl

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Urboss: link why won’t you tell me where you live

Link: no

Urboss: why

Link: no

Urboss: i wanna visit you!

Link: no

Urboss: that’s so sad... I was gonna bring you all these hydromelons and a full bottle of noble pursuit...

Link: I don’t need you for those

Urboss: but wouldn’t it be nice coming from me

Zelda: ?

Mipha: what’s up, Zelda?

Zelda: Link said he didn’t need Urbosa to get that stuff but he’s not allowed in gerudo town

Mipha: he goes there all the time, though, right?

Zelda: I thought he went with Urbosa

Urboss: would you look at that

Urboss: blackmail

Urboss: link if you don’t tell me where you live I will share your gerudo secrets

Turkey: is this it

Turkey: is the bitch finally getting his just deserts

Link: go off girl

Mipha: that’s not much of a way to treat your teammates, Urbosa.

Mipha: how are we supposed to trust each other with this attitude?

Link: we’re supposed to trust each other?

Daruk: OUCH

Urboss: I don’t give a fuck the threat stands

Link: do it then.

Turkey: yes Urbosa please do

Mipha: you’re not seriously going to do it, are you?

Urboss: perhaps, I can be swayed- if link apologizes.

Turkey: NO

Mipha: thank you. Link?

Link: what a weak mindset. Do it, coward.

Turkey: YES

Urboss:


Daruk: OH MY GOD

Zelda: what

Turkey: HHSH GX

Urboss: the boy man deserved it

Urboss: taste defeat, boy man

Link: I don’t taste anything. Maybe I’ll go and have one of the many noble pursuits I have stored in my lovely quiet home

Zelda: link, dear

Link: yes?

Zelda: blue is a lovely colour on you

Link: thank you

Link: it matches my eyes

Turkey: HCHC SHSI

Daruk: little guy that is an outfit and a half

Daruk: did not see that coming

Daruk: does that actually work? They let you in?

Link: they think I’m a local who just goes out a lot

Turkey: HOW

Turkey: HOW DCAN THEYYTHJNK THAT

Link: have you seen gerudo women

Zelda: if anything I’d say you’d be too short...?

Link: they do think I’m a child.

Turkey: THEY WHAT

Urboss: he’s four feet

Turkey: FOUR FEET OF SOLID MUSCLE

Urboss: exactly

Daruk: gerudos are next level man

Turkey: THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS REAL

Turkey: I CANT STOP LOOKING

Daruk: that’s gay

Zelda: in the making of this chat we have learned more about Link than any of us ever knew and it has been Dramatic

Turkey: WHY ARE YOU SO CALM

Turkey: WHY ISNT MIPHA FREAKING OUT

Turkey: MIPHA

Turkey: MIPHA

Turkey: MIPHA

Mipha: SHUT UP

Daruk: .O.

Urboss: wh

Zelda: woah

Turkey: sorry

Link: what was that

Turkey: idk she’s never yelled before

Daruk: im really scared

Daruk: hold me

Zelda: let’s leave her be for now

Urboss: anything to stop the bird from screeching

Turkey: you and your kind almost certainly evolved from sand seals

Urboss:

Turkey: I LITERALLY SENT YOU THAT

link: shut up turkey

Urboss: seriously

Zelda: x2

Zelda: still wanna know what’s up with her ears

Link: 🤷🏼♂️

Notes:

How would you guys feel about a pairing in this one? I’m a mipha/link bitch myself, but I’m down to take suggestions. I can also leave it more or less platonic all around. Lemme know what y’all think.

I forgot his scars just use your ✨imagination✨
Oh yeah and please don’t steal my art I forgot to watermark it lmao

Chapter 5: Mipha defense squad, assemble

Summary:

Zelda: You did sort of go sicko mode.

Mipha: Hm?

Daruk: It was just a surprise, you know, none of us have ever herd you yell before. Or seen it. 

Mipha: When did I yell?

Zelda: Yesterday.

Mipha: I don’t recall that happening.

Daruk: On the group chat.

Turkey: you yelled at me to shut up

Urboss: It was quite something.

Mipha: I have no idea what you’re talking about

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Daruk: Mipha

Daruk: How we doin

Mipha: I’m just fine thank you for asking Daruk!

Urboss: you sure girlie?

Mipha: Positive! Why do you ask?

Zelda: You did sort of go sicko mode.

Mipha: Hm?

Daruk: It was just a surprise, you know, none of us have ever herd you yell before. Or seen it. 

Mipha: When did I yell?

Zelda: Yesterday.

Mipha: I don’t recall that happening.

Daruk: On the group chat.

Turkey: you yelled at me to shut up

Urboss: It was quite something.

Mipha: I have no idea what you’re talking about

Zelda: what

Zelda: even link was confused, mipha, there’s no way you don’t remember

Mipha: Link? Did I yell yesterday?

Link: not that I know of, you never yell

Zelda: link you straight up said “what was that”

Link: sounds fake :/

Turkey: WHAT THE FUCK STOP

Turkey: THIS IS ILLEGAL

Daruk: theyre in cahoots guys and its working

Daruk: maybe it didn’t happen

Urboss: its fading from my memory as we speak, only to be brought up in times of need when I need blackmail

Daruk: probably a mass hallucination

Turkey:

 

Urboss: turkey its really not nice to frame mipha with fake photos like this

Link: seriously

Zelda: x2

Turkey: why is the universe against me? It’s afraid of my raw power and intelligence and for that I am punished

Daruk: mipha: *yells*

everybody:

Link: what r u talking about mipha didn’t yell

Turkey: just because she’s nice and very small doesn’t mean she is innocent of her crimes

Link: for anyone who knows how to shut their whore mouth, I made cream of mushroom soup

Daruk: 🥺👉🏻👈🏻

Link: Daruk I made u a rock

Daruk: 😤😫🥰😘😇COMING

Turkey: for the record, I have a whore beak, not a whore mouth

Urboss: perish, turkey

Notes:

Revali really said "Why are you booing me? I'm right"

Chapter 6: he baby

Summary:

Turkey: I think I’m concussed

Zelda: ?

Turkey: I’m hallucinating

Zelda: that doesn’t happen when you’re concussed

Link: did u eat the brownies I left on the counter

Turkey: no?

Link: good news: you’re probably not high 

Zelda: what did you see revali 

Turkey: link riding a horse about five times as big as a regular one

Link: better news: you’re fine 

Chapter Text



 

Turkey: I think I’m concussed

Zelda: ?

Turkey: I’m hallucinating

Zelda: that doesn’t happen when you’re concussed

Link: did u eat the brownies I left on the counter

Turkey: no?

Link: good news: you’re probably not high 

Zelda: what did you see revali 

Turkey: link riding a horse about five times as big as a regular one

Link: better news: you’re fine 

Urboss : what this mean, little man

Link: i found him 

Zelda: Link found a very large horse. I asked him to capture it for research. It’s a complete anomaly 

Link: he has a name

Zelda: That’s right, Link. He does.

Turkey: wth capitals?? I smell discourse 

Urboss: yeah that was def a threat girlboss

Zelda: His name. Is Achilles.

Link: my horse, my name

Zelda: your name is too stupid. I’m confiscating it 

Link: no ❤️

Mipha: I’m sure it’s not that bad. What did you call him, Link?

Link: baby 

Zelda: HIS

Zelda: NAME

Zelda: IS

Zelda: ACHILLES

Daruk: I just met Baby and I would kill for him 

Zelda: NO 

Turkey: rip in pasgetti

Urboss: Achilles. A good strong name.

Zelda: thank you, urbosa 

Urboss: but it’s no baby 

Zelda: PLEASE 

Mipha: I hate to say it, Zelda… his horse, his name.

Link: ♥️

Zelda: I just want peace 

Zelda: please

Turkey: peace was never an option 

Link: guys 

Daruk : problem, little guy?

Link: kinda

Turkey : this should be good

Daruk: well what is it 

Link : Baby doesn’t fit in the stable 

Daruk: BAHAHAHAHA