Actions

Work Header

Rating:
Archive Warning:
Category:
Fandoms:
Relationships:
Characters:
Additional Tags:
Language:
English
Collections:
All Marvel works that I like (or most of them), Peter Parker Identity Reveals, to escape the infernal perdition that is life, Peter Parker Stories, Peter Parker Field Trip (Mostly SI Tower) and other stories
Stats:
Published:
2021-07-11
Completed:
2021-07-17
Words:
3,525
Chapters:
4/4
Comments:
89
Kudos:
3,061
Bookmarks:
303
Hits:
32,891

Whoops, Wrong Chat

Summary:

Cindy: who is karen
Abe: holy shit peter
Flash: okay wtf is going on
Ned: PETER
Ned: WRONG CHAT

Notes:

Okay so this is extremely short and bad and unexpectedly the first thing I'm posting on AO3. I have an IronDad fanfic planned which I'm kinda excited about but hell, if this thing gets views I'll continue it.

Chapter 1: Guys, I Think Karen's Really Pissed

Chapter Text

[Acadec Group Chat]

Peter: guys i think karen’s rlly pissed @ me
Peter: so she told me 2 go 2 bed but i went out instead
Peter: now im watching traffic & shes telling me angry statistics
Peter: “did u know u r stabbed once a month on average peter”
Peter: “u r shot once every four months peter”
Peter: well damn karen i dont ask 4 it
Peter: id rather b stabbed than shot tho bullet wounds fucking hurt
Peter: o shit listen 2 this 1
Peter: “you break on average 2 ribs every 6 days peter”
Peter: jeepers thats a lot of ribs
Cindy: who is karen
Abe: holy shit peter
Flash: okay wtf is going on
Ned: PETER
Ned: WRONG CHAT
Peter: wait no
MJ: wait yes loser this is the acadec gc
Peter: OKAY WHOOPS
Peter: YALL JUST IGNORE ME
Abe: should we be worried
MJ: always
Cindy: like what is going on there
Cindy: was he telling the truth
Flash: cant be
Flash: penis parker limps & hes covered in bruises
Ned: yea from you
Flash: but theres no way in hell he breaks 2 ribs a week
Peter: excuse me it was every 6 days
Peter: & hell its surprisingly accurate
MJ: peter you idiot stop
Ned: dude first i gotta agree with mj ur making it worse 4 urself
Ned: & second u get stabbed once a month??
Ned: dude i knew mr stark worried but jeez i never understood y
Peter: cmon dude getting stabbed isnt so bad
Abe: wtf r we all witnessing
Peter: i mean unless they twist the knife
Peter: jfc then it hurts
Ned: dude amazing
MJ: ned no
Cindy: yeah ned NO
Peter: anyway get it right karen i already passed ur average this month
Abe: pls no wtf is wrong with u peter
Flash: so u’ve been stabbed more than once
MJ: oh dont ask i dont want to know
Cindy: ill get the popcorn
Peter: drum roll pls
Peter: oi have been stabbed a grand total of 2 times this month
Peter: so far
MJ: pls not with the so fars
Peter: never fear the so far can die
Peter: i have now been stabbed 3 times
Peter: altho i dont think this 1 counts, it missed all my bones
Abe: k now im actually super worried
Abe: who stabs u peter
Ned: dude lol this is the best conversation this gc has ever had
MJ: about peter getting stabbed? same
Cindy: k is it just me or does it feel like ned and mj r used to this
Abe: no thats true
Abe: peter where’d u go
Abe: peter
Cindy: guys i think hes dead
Abe: PETER
Flash: ned and mj spill the t
Flash: whats up w parker
MJ: like id tell u
Cindy: would u tell me
Cindy: cmon the whole gc is so confused
Ned: lol
MJ: ned stop it
Ned: should i tell them
MJ: no
Ned: should i
Peter: NO
Cindy: fine now ur alive
Abe: tell us
Ned: nvm
MJ: honest im surprised nobodys figured it out already
MJ: ur a real lame secret keeper parker
Peter: i know ☹
Peter: mr stark just walked in on me trying to stitch myself up
Peter: now im grounded
Ned: dude thats bad luck
Peter: yeah im not such a stealthy boi when im dripping blood i guess
MJ: when were u ever stealthy
Peter: s h u t u p
Cindy: so r we all just ignoring the fact that tony fucking stark just grounded peter parker
Abe: also that apparently hes dripping blood
Flash: hes lying duh
Flash: he doesnt know stark
MJ: oh god im surrounded by idiots
Peter: was that a lion king reference
MJ: s h u t u p
Peter: ok
Peter: somebody kill me now karens so fucking pleased
Abe: that u got stabbed
Peter: that im
Peter: grounded
Abe: thats worse than being stabbed?
Peter: dude yeah cause it means i cant get stabbed again 4 a week
Ned: stop it peter this is 2 funny
Ned: everybodys so clueless
Ned: pls can i tell them
MJ: okay fuck i take it back
MJ: ned ur officially a worse secret keeper than that other loser bleeding out over there
MJ: how the hell uve survived this long i honestly dont know
Ned: ☹
Peter: 😊
Abe: TELL ME SOMEBODY WHAT IS GOING ON
Abe: im honest so confused rn
Flash: only thing im confused about is why penis parkers still lying
Cindy: flash stop it
Flash: like this whole thing isnt a dumb prank or some shit
MJ: eugene im warning u
Flash: dammit
Peter: uh oh
Cindy: uh oh what
Peter: ,,,,auntie nat
Ned: damn right UH OH
Ned: u abt 2 get RAZZED dude
Ned: what i wouldnt give to b a fly on the wall @ stark tower rn
MJ: more like a spider on the wall heheh
Ned: whos the bad secret keeper now
MJ: still u
Ned: oof?
Abe: stark tower,,, is that where peter is
Ned: he spends every 2nd weekend there
Cindy: whos auntie nat
Ned: oh dude lol u wouldnt believe me if i told u
Peter: so dont tell them ned
Peter: ned?
Peter: ned i just got severely frowned at by auntie nat stop making my day worse
Peter: NED
Peter: N E D
MJ: b careful loser
Peter: dyreckon sleep is essential or can i just not
Cindy: uh sleep is kinda good for you ngl
Peter: dyreckon id make it to neds house to strangle him before i collapse
MJ: if ur talking about going the dumb fast route than no
MJ: being stabbed decreases dexterity idiot ud go splat
Abe: ???
Cindy: plus rnt u grounded
Peter: i mean yea but theres always the windows
Abe: the windows 90 floors above ground
Peter: uh huh those 1s
MJ: god parker u make my life difficult

Chapter 2: Nah, I'm Stuck In The Medbay

Summary:

Flash: i think u have the wrong number
Flash: im not whoever u think ur talking 2

Notes:

I'm speechless at the amount of love and support this tiny fanfic received in such a short time. To everybody who read, commented, or gave kudos to the first chapter of this work, I'm wishing you a beautiful day!

Chapter Text

[Flash Thompson]

Unknown Number: nah im stuck in the medbay
Unknown Number: dr banner wants to make sure it doesnt get infected
Unknown Number: y so quiet aoas
Unknown Number: u rite tonite
Unknown Number: sorry it was just a quick fly by queens i can ask clint if ur busy
Unknown Number: mr falcon sir
Flash: i think u have the wrong number
Flash: im not whoever u think ur talking 2
Unknown Number: oh
Unknown Number: that would explain y he isnt answering
Flash: who were u trying to contact
Unknown Number: uhhhh,,,
Unknown Number: my friend mr sam
Unknown Number: ?
Flash: well i dont know any sams
Flash: how tf did u rando get my number then
Unknown Number: huh lol idk
Flash: who is this btw
Unknown Number: who is that
Flash: flash thompson
Unknown Number: flash thom-
Unknown Number: o shit
Unknown Number: well fuck you
Flash: excuse me?
Flash: what the hell dude
Flash: also: u know my name?
Flash: who tf r u
Unknown Number: u r flash thompson
Unknown Number: u go 2 midtown school of science & technology
Unknown Number: ur peter parkers bully rnt u
Flash: thats freaky u know who i am
Flash: & uh i dont bully anyone
Flash: how do u know penis parker
Unknown Number: lets just say im a friend
Flash: ?
Unknown Number: nice 2 meet u, flash
Unknown Number: im spider-man
Flash: …
Flash: !!!
Flash: OMG IM UR GREATEST FAN
Flash: spideys texting me
Flash: spidey has my number
Flash: spidey knows my name
Flash: i cant wait to tell everybody
Flash: theyre gonna love this, spidey
Flash: i cant believe that out of all the weirdos in the world that could have wrong number texted me
Flash: it was spidey!!!
Flash: & U KNEW MY NAME
Flash: wait
Flash: was it falcon u were trying to text? sam wilson?
Flash: THE FALCON?!
Flash: omg u thought i was falcon ha
Flash: spidey say smth
Flash: we can b buddies
Flash: im friends w spiderman!!
Spidey: actually theres a hyphen
Flash: who gives a fuck
Flash: wait i meant sorry sir
Flash: that was rude my apologies
Flash: im friends w Spider-Man?
Spidey: er lol no
Spidey: as i was saying…
Spidey: ur peter parkers bully rnt u
Flash: …
Flash: 1stly how does a hero like u know a dweeb like parker
Flash: and 2ndly y do u care
Spidey: im spider-man, its my literal job
Spidey: his bruises might fade but theres more than 1 kinda dmg
Spidey: bullying affects ppls mental health as well
Spidey: think abt how he must feel when u hit him
Spidey: and bash him into lockers
Spidey: in front of a crowd
Spidey: who want nothing more than entertainment
Spidey: and the things u say to him
Spidey: how worthless must he feel
Spidey: these r the things that move me
Spidey: i want to help ppl
Spidey: thats all i ever try 2 do, flash
Spidey: & i reckon u know that
Flash: oh
Flash: …yeah
Flash: guilty as charged, i guess?
Flash: ☹
Spidey: just think abt it, rlly
Spidey: bullying is never okay
Flash: alright
Flash: anything 4 u, spider-man
Spidey: wow
Spidey: thats a pleasant change coming from u flash
Flash: haha?
Spidey: 😊

Chapter 3: I'm So Screwed

Summary:

Ned: uh oh
Ned: this panic tis familiar
Ned: (yall gonna love this)

Notes:

Fake dating your own superhero secret identity? What could go wrong?

I'm crying with laughter thinking of all the layers. MJ and Ned witnessing this and actually knowing what the other two don't is the funniest shit. If I get inspiration maybe I'll make the switch to Twitter or some other social media, what do you guys think?
Flash decided to leave this chapter so I'm going to go ground him till he explains why. He might make an appearance later though idk. Once again, thanks to everybody who read/commented/left kudos! You bring a smile to my face! (Literally, I couldn't stop smiling for five hours straight.)

Chapter Text

[Acadec Group Chat]

Peter: AH IM SO SCREWED
Peter: HELP IM ACTUALLY A COMPLETE IDIOT
Peter: JUST MADE THE ABSOLUTE WORST DECISION OF MY ENTIRE LIFE
Peter: OKAY ILL GO DIE IN A HOLE NOW
Peter: GOODBYE & GOOD MURDER
Ned: uh oh
Ned: this panic tis familiar
Ned: (yall gonna love this)
Peter: I CANNOT BELIEVE MYSELF
Peter: Y DID I EVER THINK I WAS CAPABLE OF FUNCTIONING AS A HUMAN BEING
MJ: okay whatd u do loser
Peter: SO THIS GUY RANDOMLY COMES UP 2 ME WHILE I WAS WALKING HOME
Peter: & LEGITIMATELY STARTS THREATENING ME
Peter: BC 4 SOME REASON HES CONVINCED IM SPIDER-MAN
Peter: & HES GOT THIS FOLDER OF PHOTOS & SHIT
Peter: WHOLE BUNCH A CONSPIRACY THEORIES & FANCY DOCUMENTS
Peter: “U R SPIDER-MAN, Y DO U LIE”
Peter: “WHAT HAVE U GOT 2 HIDE”
Peter: SUPER LOUDLY
Peter: IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FUCKING STREET
Cindy: well r u spiderman?
Ned: lol
Peter: uh no duh
Peter: and guys theres a hyphen get it r i g h t
Peter: im spidey’s mechanic basically
Peter: i work on his suit
Abe: dude, u do? thats so cool
Cindy: absolutely lit
Abe: do u know who he is under the mask
Abe: omg pls say u know spiderman
Peter: theres a
Peter: hyphen
Peter: anyway the only time i see spidey is when he swings by mr starks lab
Peter: mostly just 2 complain abt how dodgy his webshooters r
Peter: which is pretty damn dodgy seeing the amnt of times he ends up faceplanting buildings
Peter: so im tryna tell this guy all that
Peter: but he wont listen, right?
Cindy: oh no i feel like smth bads coming
Ned: lol ur almost definitely right knowing pete
MJ: shut up yall & let him finish
MJ: just wish i was there 2 draw it, sounds like a fucking good crisis
Peter: & then
Peter: then
Peter: t h e n
Cindy: spit it out
Abe: im excited
Peter: okay u know what i changed my mind
Abe: peter no dont do this 2 us
Cindy: how dare u
Cindy: fess up
Peter: i was so flustered i just blurted out the 1st thing 2 cross my mind
Peter: “uh no im not spider-man, thats my boyfriend ur thinking of”
Peter: & then i turned and yeeted myself out of there like a total dumbass
Peter: WTF WAS I THINKING
Peter: IT WAS AN ACCIDENT I SWEAR
Ned: HA
Cindy: WHAT
Ned: HAAAA HAHA
Abe: wow
Abe: i cant even…
MJ: i was right
MJ: it was a fucking good crisis
Ned: im dying this is better than i thought
Ned: 😊
Peter: SOMEBODY HELP ME WHAT DO I DOOOOO
Cindy: is he actually ur boyfriend
Cindy: wait OMG THAT WOULD ACTUALLY MAKE TOTAL SENSE
Cindy: cause like spidey always shows up around midtown
Cindy: & in DC maybe he was following the acadec group 2 make sure peter didnt get hurt
Cindy: u have an internship @ stark tower as well dont u
Cindy: under tony fucking stark
Cindy: & u were stabbed like the other day rmber?
Cindy: thats the kinda thing that would come when ur close to spidey i feel
Abe: dude WOAH that lines up
Cindy: u sure ur not actually dating him peter?
Peter: no guys im telling u
Peter: i dont see him v often
Peter: and shit just forget abt those conversations already pls
Peter: it was just a mugging
Cindy: maybe he likes u tho
Cindy: r u always there when he comes
Peter: uh yeah i guess so
Ned: omg im dying of laughter
Cindy: does he talk a lot
Peter: dude never shuts up
Cindy: any flirting?
Peter: NO
Cindy: hmph
Cindy: has he shown u his face
Ned: *wheeze* lol
Peter: but guys this is serious
Peter: at least 3 other ppl were there 2 hear me
Peter: & knowing my luck the guy probs was recording or smth
Abe: well what r u going 2 do
Cindy: if it goes viral im gonna b so happy
Peter: stop delighting in my embarrassment
MJ: ur asking 4 it parker
Peter: okay good pt
Peter: but i dont try 2!!
Peter: oml y
MJ: stop freaking out idiot
MJ: just tell spidey what u did
Abe: oh yeah that sounds smart
Abe: im sure he wont mind
Abe: have u guys seen those youtube videos of his fights?
Abe: constantly cracking jokes
Cindy: he’ll probs just laugh
Cindy: im sure its nothing to worry abt
Ned: spideys awesome, remember? take a chill pill
Peter: BUT THEN WHAT
Peter: WHAT DO I TELL THE W O R L D
MJ: im sure u can literally hear the snigger in my voice when i say this,,,
MJ: but y not just go along w it
Peter: WHAT
MJ: i mean u backed urself into a corner
MJ: what other choice do u have
Peter: uh… ignoring it?
Cindy: ppl r gonna theorise anyway
Abe: true
Cindy: & wouldnt u rather have some fun
Cindy: god if i had a chance to fake date a superhero id grab it w both hands
Cindy: ahem. & who knows,,,
Cindy: u guys might end up a bit closer 😉
Peter: CINDY STOP
Cindy: just post smth on twitter dude
Cindy: or get spidey 2 post w u
Abe: omg yes
Cindy: ud totally blow up the internet
Cindy: so funny! i need this
Cindy: pls parker pls
Peter: o crappiest of shitstorms
Peter: how the fuck did u manage to engulf my life
Ned: hey guys look!!
Ned: [screenshot] its already on the web
Abe: haha #spideysboyfriend is trending
Abe: #whoisspideydating
Abe: #spideyssecret
Peter: MY LIIIIIFE
MJ: oh god
MJ: i would say im sorry 4 u loser
MJ: but im rlly not
Peter: ☹
MJ: its ur own fault
Cindy: so will u do it
Abe: PLS
Peter: i guess so
Peter: hmm
Peter: huh
Abe: what??
Peter: well spidey says hes already been spammed with qs
Peter: poor guy
Cindy: uve got his phone number!?
Peter: yea
Peter: im his mechanic?
Abe: his mechanic
Peter: yeah
Abe: dude
Peter: STOP
Peter: IM REGRETTING MY WHOLE LIFE NOW
Cindy: i mean ur life is nuts
Cindy: tony stark and spiderman
Cindy: next u’ll be meeting the fucking avengers
Peter: lol never
Peter: oim just a lowkey intern
Peter: t h e r e s a h y p h e n u h e a t h e n
Ned: damn thats disappointing
Ned: wouldve loved to have met the worlds greatest superheros 1 day
Peter: ikr so upsetting ☹
MJ: both of u just shut up already

Chapter 4: Parker, You're In The Shit

Summary:

MJ: parker
MJ: ur in the shit

Notes:

So, this is the last chapter of this fic! I have a lot of other ideas that I'm really excited about and this seemed like a good place to end this. Did not edit so it's unpolished but I wanted to get it up here. A million thank-yous to everybody who read this, commented, or left kudos, especially since it's my first fic. They make me so happy. Keep going. <3
Apologies for the delay in posting this chapter since the others were all close together. Love to you all!
:D

Chapter Text

[Acadec Group Chat]

MJ: parker
MJ: ur in the shit
Peter: wait what
Peter: what did i do this time
Peter: mj
Peter: what happened
Peter: nothing bad right
Peter: right
Peter: MJ SAY SOMETHING
Abe: i know paranoia when i see it
Abe: srsly, how much shit do u get into, man
Peter: uh…
Peter: im not gonna answer that yknow
Ned: oho
Ned: i just figured it out
Peter: ?
Ned: no mjs right ur rlly in the shit dude
Peter: !? ☹
Ned: this is going to b funny
MJ: uh cindy just picked up her phone
MJ: every1 get on the gc!!
MJ: peter brace urself
Cindy: OK EVERY1 GUESS WHAT JUST HAPPENED IN GYM TODAY
Abe: oh wait
Abe: i actually heard about this
Abe: peter u ripped ur shirt open on a nail didnt u
Cindy: MORE THAN THAT
Cindy: he ripped his shirt on a nail AND WE SAW WHAT WAS UNDERNEATH
Peter: ohhhh fuck
Cindy: NOT-SO-PUNY PARKER HAS A FUCKING SIX PACK
Cindy: IM SO
Cindy: MAD?
Cindy: CONFUSED?
Cindy: AWED?
Cindy: I DONT EVEN KNOW
Abe: i didnt see any abs
Ned: mustve been the angle dude
Ned: peter was pretty quick 2 hide them
MJ: not quick enough tho 😊
Abe: pics or it didnt happen
Cindy: I CAN OBLIGE
Cindy: [embarrassedpeter]
Ned: aha
Abe: HOLY SHIT
Cindy: UR TELLING ME
Abe: ABS
Cindy: ABS
Abe: FUCKING BICEPS
Abe: AND BACK MUSCLES
Cindy: THAT PICTURE SAYS IT ALL
Abe: H O L Y F U C K I N G G O D
Peter: LaNgUaGe
MJ: what
Peter: inside joke nvm
Cindy: BUT ITS VALID
Cindy: I 2ND ABE
Cindy: WHAT THE FUCK PETER
Cindy: y do u just let flash push u around
Cindy: jeez w abs like that u could def shove his head in the toilet single handedly
Cindy: so wtf???
Cindy: AND ALSO LIKE HOW R U RIPPED
Cindy: JUST DUDE
Cindy: HOW
Cindy: NO ACTUALLY I DONT CARE HOW
Cindy: this proves my hypothesis
Peter: wait hypothesis?
Ned: what hypothesis?
Ned: oh crap did i let the cat out of the bag
MJ: no he did i reckon
MJ: by accident
Cindy: i know ur secret now parker
Cindy: u cant escape
MJ: told u that u wouldnt make it 2 xmas
MJ: does this mean i win the bet
Peter: oh well fuck
Peter: uh i can explain?
Peter: actually i cant explain yknow
Peter: just promise u wont tell any1
Peter: pls i dont want this 2 b common knowledge
Cindy: er yeah ? i guess
Cindy: i dont think its that big of a deal
Peter: oh thank u!!!
Peter: 😊
Peter: i dont think id survive if ppl found out tbh
Cindy: does he not want to make it public?
Cindy: surely hes not ashamed of u
Peter: theyd b all like “omg spidey”
Peter: & then boom my life is crushed under reporters and publicity and shit
Cindy: fair enough
Cindy: so how long …?
Peter: uh the field trip 2 oscorp
Cindy: 1st kiss WHEN
Peter: there were a whole bunch of genetically modified spiders
Peter: & 1 of them bit me
Cindy: WERE U DATING ALREADY WHEN U ACCIDENTALLY TOLD THAT GUY THAT
Peter: thought i just had the flu or smth
Peter: but then i woke up & started sticking 2 everythg
Abe: waaaaaiiiittt
Cindy: hold on a sec
Ned: oh my god 🤦
Ned: hey peter?
Peter: yeah?
Ned: i think u guys were talking abt 2 different things…
Cindy: uhhhh looking back @ that
Cindy: yeah
Peter: oh
Peter: …
Peter: shit
Abe: UR SPIDERMAN DUDE
Abe: WTF
Cindy: THIS IS FUCKING CONFUSING
MJ: so i do win the bet
Peter: well damn
Peter: but yeah im spider-man
Peter: & 4 the last time!
Peter: theres a hyphen
Ned: ur super-secret superhero identity just got compromised & thats what ur worried abt
Peter: the lack of hyphen is a fucking valid problem
Abe: DUDE WHAT
Abe: im fucking hyperventilating
Abe: uve been spider-man since oscorp??
Abe: its been right in front of our bloody noses the whole fucking time
Peter: thank you
Peter: @ least s o m e b o d y understands how 2 use a hyphen
Cindy: well
Cindy: ngl
Cindy: i gotta say im disappointed
Ned: what
Ned: peter is literally a superhero
Ned: wtf abt this is disappointing cindy
Cindy: well that was aggressive
Cindy: but
Cindy: idk
Abe: ohhh
Abe: this is bc u thought the secret was that peter and spidey were a couple
Abe: u were shipping them
Abe: lol
Abe: u do realise theyre the same person right
Cindy: thats whats disappointing
Abe: lol
Peter: yeah srry 2 disappoint
Peter: cant rlly date myself
Abe: thats y u were getting so hyped up earlier
Abe: dude
Abe: thats a fucking hilarious blunder
Abe: u called urself ur boyfriend
Abe: oml
Ned: thats also y he got stabbed
Ned: karen is the ai in his suit
Peter: shut up ned
Cindy: so ned & mj knew the whole time
MJ: yeah
MJ: if u havent noticed hes not exactly good @ keeping secrets
Cindy: valid
Abe: when we get back 2 school on monday ur telling us everythg parker
Abe: ur fucking spidey
Abe: fuck
[Flash is online.]
Flash: I LOSE INTERNET 4 3 HRS & THIS IS WHAT I COME BACK 2??
Flash: WHAT THE FUCK