Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“He’s going to notice.” Virgil said simply, looking around the room. Logan sighed, “He will. But his safety is most important.” He said firmly, “We’re going to have to have a longer talk with Roman, too. He’ll forget not to just randomly give him a pencil sharpener if he asks. Not to mention we need to remind him about boundaries and not being blunt.” Logan reminded, going over his mental checklist to make sure they’d gone through everything and made sure it was safe.

Virgil sighed himself, running a hand through his hair, “He’s going to hate us, you know that?” He said, side-eyeing his husband. Logan nodded, “Yes. I’m fully prepared for him to hate us at first. There will most likely be screaming, and fighting and attempts to run away. We just have to wait it out until he feels safe.” Virgil frowned, he hated the first few months. It was anxiety inducing as hell. They’d talked for a long time about fostering another kid, and they’d had a long talk with Roman about it, too. Eventually, Roman agreed, as long as they promised not to get a little kid. They didn’t want a kid too young anyways, so that was fine. Although they agreed they may get a younger kid in the future. For now, though, they wanted twelve and over.

This exact kid was... a certain situation. Because, well, this wasn’t exactly planned. Sure, they’d planned on getting another kid, but not quite so soon. This was an emergency placement, although luckily they had a couple days advance warning, but only because the kid was coming from the hospital. Why the hospital?

Because the kid they were fostering was coming straight from there after a suicide attempt.

Safe to say, it wasn’t ideal. It was extremely unideal and very unpleasant and upsetting. But hell if they were going to turn down a kid who so very clearly needed somewhere safe to go. They’d spent the last few hours emptying out the spare bedroom of any sharp objects, locking the kitchen cabinet with the knives in, etc. Roman watched them carefully the whole time they were downstairs, but he didn’t say a word to them, so neither of them said anything to him about it either.

Finally, they were done. They knew he wouldn’t be happy about having everything restricted, but they were obligated to, not only by law, but also for their own peace of mind. Legally, they only had to do the bare minimum to make sure the kid didn’t try to immediately off himself again, but for their own sake, they had to do much more. That included keeping a close eye on him, which, again, they knew he’d hate.

Now, they only had a couple hours before he was going to be dropped off. “I’m going to talk with Roman, are you going to accompany me? I may need your help if he gets upset.” Logan said. Virgil smiled at him, “Naw, i’ve got a few things i want to put in here to make it more comfortable, he’s going to be feeling a lot of anxiety. And besides, don’t doubt yourself, you know you can calm Roman down if you need to. It’s been two years now, Lo, come on, you’re an expert at this point.” It wasn’t likely Roman would get upset anyways, he was obviously capable of fully understanding the situation and why things had to be done, he just may get a bit annoyed at how some of the restrictions ended up falling to him as well by default. But unfortunately, that couldn’t be helped.

Logan scoffed lightly, but smiled back at his husband, “Alright. I’ll leave you to it.” He said before leaving, closing the door behind him. Virgil grabbed the few things he’d brought to go in the room that he’d left on the desk while they safety-proofed the room. The sheets were just plain white right now, but they were going to get him new ones when they found out what he liked. But, just for the first couple days or so, a blanket over the bed would help. He’d gotten another weighted one, much like his own, and Roman had used it a few times as well. Even Logan once. It was extremely helpful, so Virgil had gotten one for him, knowing it would help in a lot of situations.

Two, he’d gotten a couple fidget toys, they’d been informed beforehand that their new foster kid was 'special'. I.E, neurodivergent. Although the care and social workers were as unhelpful as ever with going into detail. But fidget and stim toys were good no matter what, so Virgil got a few, placing them on the desk for whenever he wanted them. He got some of the ones he liked himself, and a few others, making sure that there would hopefully be at least one that the kid would like and find useful. Still, if not, they could always get more.

Third, one he was sure would be rejected at first, but got anyway, was a weighted cat plush. It had a nice scent, too, giving it two different ways to be grounding. He had plushies, so did Roman, it wasn’t weird, you were never too old for plushies. He put it on the bed next to the pillows, sure he’d find it under the bed or tossed across the floor at some point. It shouldn’t do much damage if he decided to take out his frustration on it.

Finally, a pack of markers. A bit out of ordinary with the rest of the items he’d got, but he’d read that drawing on your arms was a good coping mechanism. Or he could use them for drawing on paper, either way. There was an empty sketchbook and a couple pencils on the desk already too, although, he’d have to ask to get the pencils sharpened, so he may prefer markers anyways. They didn’t want to take away every possible little thing that could hurt him, because then he wouldn’t feel like he had any freedom, and that would make it extremely hard to build up trust. It wasn’t exactly like living in a room that felt like a room in a psych ward was the best place to feel comfy and safe.

They had to let him know they trusted him to not hurt himself with anything he could find, for him to trust them. It was hard, and it made Virgil anxious, but he was determined to make the kid feel safe and happy again. They’d had a long conversation last night about what to do if they found him trying to hurt himself or off himself again, and although it made Virgil’s stomach twist, it had to be done to keep him safe.

He left the room, overhearing Logan and Roman talking in Roman’s room next door, but all seemed calm. He sighed to himself once more, taking a few breaths in and out, it was going to be tough. It was hard to tell if Roman would keep his distance, or be the little extrovert he was and immediately try to make friends. Hopefully they’d get along eventually, after all, they were currently hopefully working on adopting Roman (if he said yes), so he certainly wasn’t going anywhere.

He decided to go downstairs and start preparing for dinner, a nice home cooked meal was a good start, right? Yeah… he was probably sick of hospital food, anyways. And they could introduce him to Roman in a non-stress situation where he didn’t have to talk if he didn’t want to. It would be a good start, hopefully.

--

Janus scratched irritably at the bandages on his arms, huffing to himself. Stupid bandages, they itched like hell. “Janus.” He heard his care worker scold from the front of the car, glancing back at him in the rear view mirror with a scowl. He stuck out his tongue and blew a raspberry, a childish response, he knew, but  right then he really didn’t care. His care worker simply sighed, shook his head and kept driving.

He hated this. He hated this. God, why couldn’t he have just died? That was the fucking plan, he didn’t exactly plan for what happened if he survived. And now he was being put in emergency foster care, probably with some old farts who would pretend to be all angelic and then go and not even acknowledge his existence and barely feed him, probably not even caring if he went and tried to kill himself again. Then they’d act all innocent and like they totally oblivious and thought he was getting sooo much better, and how much of a shock it was, and how upsetting, all that fucking bullshit.

Or maybe it’d be the total opposite, they’d go all extreme on him and not let him have any kind of sharp object at all, barely a pair of damn safety scissors, or let him touch anything at all that could possibly hurt him. Nothing hot that could burn him, nothing he could hang anything off of, nothing. He’d be stuck in an empty room all day and not allowed to do a single thing unless they were watching him like a hawk. Wow, that sure sounded like fun.

Not.

As they drove round the corner into a more neighbourhood-y looking place, his case worker spoke up again, “Alright, so, their names are Virgil and Logan Sanders. They’ve been fostering another kid for two years now, by the name of Roman. He’s around the same age as you, i believe. They weren’t expecting to foster another kid so soon but decided to take you anyways, so don’t be ungrateful.” His care worker said grumpily, and that’s when Janus noticed the car was slowing down. They must be getting close. He looked out the window, it was a pretty average looking neighbourhood, but at least no roofs were leaking and he couldn’t see any smashed windows. That was a good sign he wasn’t going to, you know, get robbed or murdered. Although being murdered wouldn’t be the worst thing.

He didn’t respond to anything his caseworker said, he didn’t need to, there were no actual questions in the words. So, technically, he didn’t need to answer. They pulled up outside of an average looking house, but the outside has some nice purple and blue flowers and a family car in the driveway. The car was dent free, too, so hey, there was a less likely chance they got completely wasted, otherwise it probably would have been dented and chipped from some less-than-sober driving.

The sun was beginning to set at this point, and although it looked lovely and picture perfect in the sky, that wasn’t helping him feel any better. His stomach was a mix of anxiety and bitterness, he didn’t want to be here in any shape or form. He was still anxious as hell about this sudden placement, and still bitter and angry at the world for so many things, one of them being making him survive in the first place. He was angry at the world, at the doctors, at the nurses, at his case worker, at these dumb foster parents he hadn’t even met yet. He was mad at his birth parents for everything, mad at all the people who had lied to him, at everyone and everything. Pointless anger, his frustration would do nothing to help him, but he still felt it nonetheless. 

He grabbed his bag, not much was in there, just everything he’d hastily shoved in before leaving the hospital. He really needed some new clothes and some other stuff, too. Spending all that time in the hospital had been a nightmare. He huffed, annoyed, to himself, it didn’t do anything, no one else could even hear it, but it made him feel a tiny bit better. He followed the case worker up to the front door, keeping his head down. He didn’t care who they were, really. They’d posture posture posture, and blah blah blah to the caseworker, whatever. Hopefully whoever this other foster kid was, they weren't going to start throwing punches at him and trying to steal his shit. Not that he had much to steal, but he didn’t want anyone going through his stuff nonetheless. Although, knowing his luck, as soon as the case worker was gone the fosters were going to demand to check through his bag.

He saw light flood the pavement he was staring at as the door swung open. The case worker and whoever was standing at the door started talking as soon as the door opened, but Janus wasn’t listening, he was tuning it all out. It wasn’t important anyways, and, now that he’d started staring at the pavement, he’d started to space out as a wave of thoughts flooded his mind.

Why was this pavement so clean? Did they specifically wash their path? Not even a single bird shit stain, that was impressive. Maybe they were crazy clean freaks. Ugh. That would be terrible, Janus wasn’t a messy person by any means, he hated mess, but at the same time he often left things around simply because he forgot he left them there and forgot to put them away. Would they get mad at him if his room wasn’t always clean? What if he had to share with someone and they left it all messy and then he got in trouble for it? That was just bullshit. He would totally try and sell the other person out, but he might get in trouble anyways. Foster parents didn’t care who got punished as long as it didn’t happen again. It probably would, Janus was kind of bad at leaving his things around-- wait, he went over that already--

Another shadow joined the first one standing in the doorway and Janus could hear what sounded like the same word being repeated over and over through the muffled sound of his brain-?

“Janus!” A louder voice, almost shouting into the empty street, suddenly broke through his hazy brain and he jumped, snapping his head up as quickly as physically possible, staring with wide eyes. His caseworker sighed, “Finally. Spacing out again, hm?” He said, not-so-subtle annoyance and mocking in his tone. Janus turned away, feeling his face heat up. He couldn’t help it. He couldn’t stay down to earth if his life depended on it, as stupid as that was. But, sometimes, up in his own head was a much better, more interesting, and much calmer place to be. The real world got too much.

“This is Logan and Virgil, say hello, Janus.” Janus murmured a ‘hello’ under his breath, looking back down at the floor once more, still avoiding eye contact like the plague. “It’s nice to meet you, Janus. Come on in, dinner’s almost ready but we have time for a short tour.” A smooth voice said. He dared a glance up, seeing the face of a man with neat dark brown hair and a pair of black rimmed glasses. Wearing a black button up shirt and dark blue dress pants he had a look that could only be described as some sort of teacher or professor. The other one standing next to him was almost opposite, he had a black hoodie on with purple sleeves, jeans and sneakers, he almost looked like… an emo. He was an emo. Wow. That was new. Emo foster parent…it was definitely interesting.

He looked back down at the floor again, nodding reluctantly. He didn’t really care about a house tour, he’d figure his way around without one, but whatever. They showed him and his case worker, who was doing a last check before leaving, around the house. Starting with the living room with a big, undamaged TV (which surprised Janus a little, they must not have had more than a couple kids at once or any younger kids around at any point, then. Or damaged it themselves in anger), plus a nice, actually comfy looking sofa and an armchair.

Then the kitchen, where something was clearly cooking, so one of the foster parents, the emo looking one, stayed behind to finish up while the professor looking one gave the rest of the tour. The kitchen was nice though, it even had an island, which was one of those weird things that just instantly made a kitchen nicer and fancier. A quick show of the small downstairs bathroom and then they went upstairs, showing the bigger bathroom, and a study.

“And this is me and Virgil’s room. If we're in here and you need us, you can come get us, Janus. Any harmful or upsetting thoughts you may be having at any time, we want to know, we will try our best to help you.” The smart-dressed guy said, turning to him. He turned his face away quickly, still refusing to engage in eye contact. Ah, so if the emo one was Virgil, this must be... Logan, then. That’s what the case worker had said their names were, right? As if he was going to go crying to them like a pathetic baby. He didn’t say anything out loud, however. He’d learned it was best to keep snarky thoughts in his head.

Logan gestured to a room down the hall, “That is Roman’s room. I won’t disturb him right now, but you’ll see him soon at dinner. He can be a bit overwhelming and energetic at times, and a bit easily upset when he doesn’t understand things. But he’s a very friendly and outgoing person, so he may start trying to strike up conversations immediately. If you want your space, we will tell him to give you some.” Logan said. Janus couldn’t help but notice as they walked past that there was a sign on the outside of the door with some doodles drawn on it. He could have sworn the case worker said this Roman kid was the same age as him. Maybe he was just a little childish. Whatever, Janus wasn’t here to judge.

“Dinner’s ready!” A voice called from downstairs. “Ah, i’ll show you your room later.” Logan nodded, seemingly just to himself, “We should go eat.” He added. The case worker turned to Logan, “I’ll be leaving, then,” He then turned to Janus, “I’ll see you later, Janus. Be good.” He said, and Janus resisted the urge to flip him off as he made his way downstairs. Logan followed after him, and Janus realised he was also probably supposed to follow Logan back down. But before he could, he heard a door open behind him and spun around immediately, shoulders tensing up to his ears, defences up on instinct.

“Oh. Hey, uh, you must be the new kid.” A boy who actually did look around his age, maybe a little older (annoyingly enough) was standing in the hallway, looking Janus up and down as he spoke. Ah, well, that must have been Roman, then. Janus couldn’t think of anyone else it could be. He ignored the expected surprised look, eyes wide as if he was some new animal at a zoo. He go it, -trust him he did-, but seriously. He was… different than Janus was expecting. Not that he was sure what he was expecting, really. But this Roman kid looked… normal. He had dark hair with a red tint, probably from fading red hair dye, and greenish-amber eyes, plus he was wearing a bright red Disney hoodie. Guess he liked the colour red. But overall, he was just another random teenager.

“Hey.” Janus muttered. “It’s Janus, right? I’m Roman.” Roman said, a bit awkwardly, causing an awkward silence to fall upon them after he’d spoken. After a minute or so, Janus broke the silence by clearing his throat, “Uh… yeah, Janus. Nice Disney hoodie, dude.” He said, he meant it to be sarcastic, but he didn’t have the energy for the attitude right then, so it came out rather flat. “Why, thank you!” Roman said proudly, putting his hands on his hips and puffing out his chest. Clearly, his intended sarcasm didn’t reach Roman’s ears. Janus rolled his eyes. What a dork.

Still, this was much better than some asshole who looked ready to throw down as soon as they met. As much as he hated to admit it, Janus’ noodle arms weren’t much good in a fight. Roman could still turn out to be an asshole thief who was going to throw him under the bus, sure, but he wasn’t sure Roman had much psychical fight in him either, he only looked a bit stronger than Janus himself, so maybe Janus stood a better chance.

“Are you just going to stand there, orrr? You look weird just standing there with that bag, you know.” Roman quipped. Janus rolled his eyes again, taking off his bag and placing it down on the floor, hoping he wouldn’t get in trouble for leaving it there. “I literally just arrived, you know.” He said back, crossing his arms. Roman gasped, “Really? I had no idea!” Sarcasm dripped from his voice and Janus had to resist the urge to roll his eyes a third time.

“Are you two coming?” Logan called from the bottom of the stairs. “Yep! I smell pasta!” Roman said cheerfully, moving around Janus to get down the stairs. Janus blinked a few times, trying to process what had just happened, before realising he should probably go down, too. He followed after Roman, stopping in the doorway to the kitchen. On the table he could see a dish of pasta with some kind of probably tomato-y sauce had been set down, sprinkled with cheese and a plate of garlic bread beside it. It was all hot and looked good.

“Damn.” He said, not realising he’d spoken out loud. Roman turned to look at him, raising an eyebrow, but it seemed neither Virgil nor Logan had heard him. “What?” Roman asked. Janus turned to him, lowering his voice, just in case, “Do they cook like this every night?” He asked, he’d barely been expecting hot meals, honestly. Roman’s face softened slightly, although Janus wasn’t sure why.

“Yeah. Come on, sit down and eat, you’re skinnier than the stick i found on the ground earlier.” Roman said. “Hey!” Janus huffed, they’d only known each other five minutes and this guy was already insulting him! The audacity. Virgil looked up at them, “Are you two arguing already? I think that’s a record.” He said, but he chuckled as he did so, so Janus wasn’t too worried he was actually mad.

Hesitantly, he sat down at the table, taking an empty seat next to where Roman had just sat. He flinched as a cup of water was placed in front of him. “Geez, dude, you’re a jumpy one, huh?” Roman said, giving him a look. He sighed, he really didn’t have the energy for this right now. “Thanks for the water.” He murmured. Roman seemed to sense he wanted to drop conversation, so he turned to Logan and Virgil instead.

Janus wasn’t really listening to their conversation, honestly, he started zoning out again until Roman passed him the scoop to put some pasta on his plate. Oh, right. He glanced up, Virgil and Logan weren’t looking at him, clearly focused on whatever Roman was saying (Something about his day at school or whatever) so he reached out and put about the same amount as Roman had on his plate. That seemed safe enough. He didn’t take any garlic bread, as much as he wanted to, he hadn’t had that garlic-y goodness in years, but he didn’t want to risk it. He started eating (heck, this food was so much better than the nasty hospital shit), happy to stay silent and out of the dinner conversation, until suddenly, Logan turned his attention over to him.

“So, Janus,” He began, catching Janus off guard, “Is there anything you enjoy doing? Hobbies?” He asked. Janus shrugged, looking back down at his plate as he pushed a piece of pasta around with his fork, “I don’t know. I guess i like reading, but, there’s not much else you can do when you’re stuck in a hospital under suicide watch.” He mumbled, his voice taking a bitter tone. The air in the room suddenly shifted as everyone froze mid-eating. Oh, right, he’d almost forgotten suicide was a common subject to bring up at the dinner table. His bad. “Sorry,” He mumbled, “Guess i kind of got used to that stuff so much i... forgot…” He trailed off, staring down at the tiled floor. It was white. That must be a pain to clean. Huh.

“It’s… there’s no need to apologize, Janus. I can imagine it was rather boring, yes. I also enjoy reading, did you read any particularly good books?” Logan asked, shifting the subject smoothly. As he did so, the tension in the room settled slightly, and everyone went back to eating. There was no point dwelling on that, however, especially since Logan had just asked him a question.

He thought for a moment, forcing himself to look back up again, “Well… i suppose a couple were quite interesting. I read one that was more about morality and philosophy that i wasn’t expecting to enjoy, but it was actually pretty intriguing. I don’t really remember the title, though.” He said, hoping that was enough. He didn’t usually get asked these kinds of questions by adults, not when they wanted an actual answer, anyways. Logan nodded, “I enjoy books like that sometimes as well. I like most kinds of literature.” What a nerd. Again, not that he was going to say that out loud. Still, reading was a much less threatening interest than anything that involved alcohol or weapons.

“You nerds.” Roman teased. Apparently, Roman had no quarrels about saying it out loud. “Roman.” Logan said warningly, narrowing his eyes. Janus stiffened up, but Roman simply sighed and rolled his eyes dramatically, “Yeah, yeah, sorry. Can you pass me the last piece of garlic bread?” He said, waving it off as if he hadn’t just insulted Logan to his face. But, to Janus’ surprise, Logan didn’t get mad. He blinked a few times, watching the man for a moment, waiting for a reaction, but Logan simply went back to his food.

“You can, if you ask nicely.” Virgil said, making a grab for the last piece before Roman could grab it, and holding it in his hand with a smirk. Roman huffed, crossing his arms, but Virgil just continued to give him a smug look until, eventually, Roman gave in. “Fine, could i please have the last piece of garlic bread?” Roman asked, putting emphasis on his ‘please’. Virgil hummed as if in thought, “Only if you properly say sorry to Logan for calling him a nerd.”

“You call him a nerd all the time!” Roman argued. “I say it lovingly.” Virgil remarked. Roman stuck out his tongue in disgust, “Ew. Fine, i’m sorry for calling you a nerd, dad, i didn’t mean it in a bad way.” Roman sighed. Logan gave him a smile, “I know, Roman.” Virgil tossed the garlic bread onto Roman’s plate and he grinned, “Yum, garlic-ly goodness.” He said before biting into it. Virgil and Logan both just laughed, going back to finishing off their own food.

Janus, however, was utterly lost about what he just witnessed. He knew he was staring, looking between the three of them with wide eyes, but he was just completely confused. They just-- First, Roman insulted Logan to his face, then Logan didn’t even get mad about it. And then Roman only apologized when Virgil made him, but then not even Virgil was mad about his attitude, and they just-- they still gave him what he wanted, not even saying no, they just-- they were all completely back to normal, no one was mad or upset or angry-- What on earth just happened?!

He’d never seen a situation like that go down so… so… easily. No consequences, they just smoothed it all out in under a minute! It never just ended so well like that, all fine and dandy as if nothing even happened! He must have been staring for too long, as Virgil looked up at him, “Everything alright, Janus?” He asked. “Oh- uh, yeah, sorry, i was just… uh spacing out again.” He shoved out the first excuse that came to mind. It wasn’t a good one, but hey, it might work. Virgil didn’t look entirely convinced, but he dropped it anyway. Janus internally sighed in relief. Besides, he spaced out often enough for that to be realistic, anyways.

Once they were done, he followed Roman’s direction of putting his dish and cup in the sink, but he wasn’t entirely sure what he was supposed to do after that, waiting around awkwardly by the sink. “Roman, will you show Janus his room when you go back upstairs?” Logan asked, standing up from the kitchen table with his own plate and cup. Roman gave him a flat look, “I think he can figure it out by himself, it’s literally the door right next to mine.” He deadpanned. Logan didn’t even bother looking over at him as replied, “Mhm.”

Roman huffed, turning to leave the kitchen, “He’s difficult like that, refuses to let you fight him sometimes.” Roman muttered as he and Janus walked out into the hallway and back up the stairs. “There, did it.” He said, to no one in particular, pointing to the door next to his before disappearing back into his own room, “Later nerd.” He said before slamming the door behind him. Janus huffed indignantly, he was not a nerd. He pushed the room door open, hoping for at least a semi-comfortable bed. Everything else here seemed nice and comfortable, maybe he’d at least get something a step above rock-solid.

To his surprise the room looked… fairly nice. Compared to what he was used to, it was definitely an upgrade. Plain, sure, but still, he couldn’t complain much. The bed was… a double? Geez, he’d never actually slept on a double bed before. Because, you know, who was going to fucking give him a double bed? The sheets were just plain white, but there was a... dark grey blanket on top, it looked maybe a little soft, but it was strange looking with a square-ish pattern on it. Whatever, a blanket was a blanket, if he was allowed one, he’d take it, he got cold easily. And also… he went over and picked up the soft toy leaning on the pillows (like, actually a whole four pillows, plus an extra, different one) he scowled at it, he wasn’t a kid, he didn’t need a teddy. It was heavier than he expected too, geez, what was inside this thing? It smelt strong, too, of lavender or something. Weird.

The desk had a notebook, some pencils, and a big pack of markers. Geez, those markers must have been expensive, it was a whole range of colours… he tried not to think too hard about that. His eyes caught onto some fidget toys, too. Huh… he was surprised to see those there, to say the least. Most people would tell him to stop fidgeting, stop moving, stop tapping his foot, etc. He picked one up, a popper one, and started popping the bubbles. He glanced back at the pencils and notebook and did a double take when he realised there was an eraser, it was a full set of pencils and supplies… but there was no sharpener.

And there it was. Of course, they weren’t going to give him a pencil sharpener. Anyone could get the blade out of that easily. He threw the cat plush back onto the bed in frustration, wincing when it hit the wall harder than he expected, making a loud slamming sound. He waited for a moment, sucking in his breath to stay silent, but… no one came. He breathed out slowly. He was fine.

It wasn’t surprising, really, and he wondered what else they’d removed and what they wouldn’t let him have. He didn’t plan on trying to do anything right now, anyways. He honestly didn’t have the energy for it, and he definitely didn’t want to land himself in the hospital again.

He heard a knock on his door and jumped, he supposed someone had heard him after all. He didn’t hear anyone coming upstairs though, so…?  Still, he hunched his shoulders tensely as he opened the door, but luckily saw only Roman standing there. Roman raised an eyebrow at him, “Are you throwing stuff at the wall? If you start making slamming noises like that Virgil and Logan are gonna panic, you know.” Suddenly a twinge of guilt hit him, right… “Sorry, i didn’t mean for it to hit the wall.” He mumbled.

Roman raised his brow even further, but ultimately dropped it, “Alright, if you’re sure. Just be careful.” He said, before waving it off and leaving back to his own room again. Janus breathed out as he closed the door behind him. Alright, so he needed to be more quiet, clearly.

He glanced around the room once more, spotting a few books on the bookshelf. If they were there, that probably meant he was allowed to read them, right? Maybe they had something good to read. He was sure they’d removed any books with any blood or dark themes ‘so that it wouldn’t trigger him’  but maybe there was still something. He shouldn’t complain, really. It was better for them to care than not give a shit, he supposed. He was just pissed off and frustrated, and was taking it out on anything and everything he could. He needed to calm down, but that was one thing he’d never been good at. Anger issues were always a fun one to try and handle. Especially when you’re trying to not let people know you even have anger issues.

He ran a hand through his hair and breathed out, distraction, he needed a distraction. He scanned the bookshelf, it was mostly fantasy stuff, it probably used to belong to Roman, he seemed like the type to like fantasy. Not that Janus knew anything about him, really, but just his overall demeanor and, you know, his Disney hoodie. He wasn’t against fantasy, but they had to be really good to interest him. He picked one out at random, if he liked it, he liked it, if he didn’t, he didn’t. It didn’t really matter either way. Maybe if he picked up an extra chore for Roman or something the other would let him borrow another book.

He eyed the bed for a moment, for some unknown, stupid reason, he was almost kind of… scared to sit on it. It just… it looked comfy. Too comfy. He looked over at the desk chair. It still looked comfier than a plain old desk chair should, but it was better. He pulled it away from the desk and sat down, sighing to himself as he flipped open the book. It was pretty good, actually, and he found himself getting sucked into it enough for him to lose track of time passing by. After what felt like a mere ten minutes, there was another knock on his door, he huffed, thinking Roman had come back for some reason, but as he glanced at the clock that was also placed on the desk he could see it was now over half an hour later.

“Janus?” Shit. That definitely wasn’t Roman, it sounded like maybe Virgil, he had the deepest voice out of all of them. Was he in trouble for something already? He put the book down and pulled himself out of the chair, -how had he ended up in such a weird position again-? He went over to the door and quickly pulled it open before Virgil got mad at him for ignoring him. He was surprised the other even bothered knocking. Good food for dinner every night (supposedly) and knocking on doors before entering? Geez, this was really the equivalent of a five star place for a foster home.

Virgil gave a small smile as he answered the door, “Hey, i was just wondering if you wanted to come downstairs and join us in watching something? Not sure what, maybe a movie or just a few episodes of a show.” Janus raised an eyebrow, what kind of foster parents actually wanted to spend time with their foster kid? Unless… he crossed his arms across his chest, raising an eyebrow, “Do i have to?” He asked, not grumpily, but with more of a questioning tone.

Virgil’s eyes widened slightly, he clearly hadn’t been expecting that answer. “Well, uhm…” He started, but trailed off, seeming unsure of what to say.  Janus sighed, trying not to sound too annoyed, “Alright, fine, i get it. Can’t let me sit by myself for too long, otherwise i might try to jump out the window.” He flicked his wrist in the air, resisting the urge to roll his eyes (Again. His current record was ten times in one day). Although he’d already checked. The window was locked. Not a key to be found anywhere. Virgil frowned and Janus froze on the spot, right, probably shouldn’t be pissing off the newbies on the first night. “Sorry.” He mumbled, stepping out and closing the bedroom door behind him.

Virgil looked like he wanted to say more but stayed silent as they made their way downstairs, Janus following behind Virgil. He led them into the living room, where Logan was sitting on the couch, his head in a book. Virgil chuckled lightly, “Are you going to put the book down and join us dear, or are you staying in book-town?” He said, but not in a mocking way, almost the opposite actually, as he went over and pressed a kiss to Logan’s forehead. Janus silently stuck his tongue out in disgust behind them. Gross.

“Mm, that depends on what you’re watching.” Logan replied, placing his book down on the arm of the couch. Virgil hummed, sitting down beside him, “I don’t know. Anything you want to watch, Janus?” Janus jumped slightly at being suddenly addressed, his brain scrambling to find an answer, but he didn’t have one. After a moment of painfully awkward silence he simply shrugged, “Uh, i don’t know.” He muttered, unhelpful as ever.

Virgil didn’t seem bothered by his indecision, however, humming in thought once more as he grabbed the remote. “How about we just watch a couple episodes of something lighthearted?” He said. Janus cautiously took a seat on the very end of the other side of the couch, unsure of what was even happening. If he had to be down here so they could watch over him, he would have thought that… well, that they wouldn’t just be sitting and watching TV.

Logan looked up at him, “Are you alright, Janus? You look like something is on your mind.” He flinched, for no particular reason, he was just surprised at being addressed directly… again. Most foster parents only acknowledged a foster kid’s existence when they needed them to do something. He shrugged, subconsciously going to mess around with his hoodie strings as he avoided that dreaded direct eye contact, the floor was clearly much more interesting to look at anyways.

“Alright then. Is there anything in particular you’d like to watch?” Janus shook his head, it wasn’t like he’d know anyway. He could already see that they were using a streaming service and he had no idea about the stuff on there, the only thing he’d seen in years was random old crap on actual TV and a few cartoons from when he’d been around little kids. Virgil glanced over at him, “No? Alrighty, i’ll just put whatever on, we don’t really need to be paying full attention. It’s getting a little late, anyways.”

He couldn’t bring himself to sit down properly, even though Logan and Virgil had given him plenty of space to sit (surprisingly enough). It just felt… off. But that went out of the window as he ended up spacing into the show Virgil put on and sliding down to sit on the couch properly without even thinking about it. He only realised when the episode ended and another came on, making him jump. But as he quickly glanced over at Virgil and Logan, they… didn’t even seem to have noticed. He curled up, hugging his knees to his chest as he let out a breath he didn’t even realise he’d been holding. This house was going to be a weird one.

Chapter Text

Janus groaned, rolling over as the sun attacking him through the window forced him to wake up. He’d always known the sun was evil. He would go back to sleep, but well, again, the sun. A difficult enemy to defeat when you’ve just woken up, exhausted, groggy and wanting death because you didn’t get to sleep until past four in the morning the night before. Plus getting yelled at for not getting out of bed quick enough didn’t sound all that appealing.

In his defense, he’d tried. But everything felt so wrong. The bed was too comfy, he couldn’t even get himself to sleep on it properly, awkwardly hanging at the edge, not even getting under the covers. His brain was going off non-stop and he couldn’t get it to shut up, crashing waves of endless, utterly useless, might he add, thoughts just kept coming. Leaving him staring at the ceiling, having to resist the urge to get up and pace around the room. 

It was unfamiliar, every shadow that crept in every corner of the room was taunting his brain, the moonlight leaking from the sky into the window was the only thing keeping him from pitch blackness. Not that he was afraid of the dark, it simply… messed with his head a little. But the hints of light only made him look endlessly around the room even more, making him feel even more like he was somewhere he didn’t know, didn’t feel safe, didn’t feel right.

He’d tried , but it seemed like every single thing possible was going to keep him from sleeping. He glanced at the clock on the bedside table, helpful of them to provide him with one of those since his phone barely turned on at this point. It was a million years old, cracked beyond relief, had been stolen and damaged, it had really been through some shit. His poor phone. There was no point in him keeping it, honestly, since it was basically unusable, but he didn’t know what else to do with it, so he just kept it on him.

He forced himself to sit up before anyone came to yell at him to get up and stop being lazy. He let out another, longer, groan. Getting up was the worst thing. He’d sleep until noon if he could. But, obviously, he couldn’t. Despite being exhausted, he still managed to flinch at the knock on his door. Geez, he needed to work on not being so damn skittish. “Janus? Are you awake?”

He swung one leg over the side of the bed, forcing himself to speak up and say something, but all that ended up coming out was, “ mmhggg.” Not what he was going for, but, well… it was something to show he was awake, anyways. The door creaked open and he saw Virgil’s head stick through the gap, “Is that a yes…?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. Janus looked at him and sighed, “Barely.” He croaked out, his voice rough and the words feeling heavy on his tongue.

“Alrighty, well, as long as you’re still breathing. If you can get yourself out of bed before Roman, you can beat him to the last of the cereal. Although, you might not even want it, i don’t know. I’ve never been fond of the type he likes, that kid is powered by pure sugar. I like sweet, but damn. He has to beg Logan just to let him buy it.” Virgil chuckled, “Anyways, if not don’t worry, we’ve got other stuff too. Actually, Logan will probably be trying to get something healthier in you anyways. Once he’s finished that first cup of coffee that man is on a roll for the rest of the entire day and no one can stop him.” Virgil said with a fond smile.

Janus blinked a few times, furrowing his brows as he tried to process everything Virgil had just said. It was way too early for this shit. He was surprised, on first instinct he would have thought Virgil was absolutely not a morning person. But hey, he knew better than anyone that people didn’t always turn out how you expected them to be. 

He went over Virgil’s words in his head again, it seemed the gist was… get up, and… eat food? An odd request, but a request nonetheless, and Janus was too tired to deal with pissed off foster parents right then. So he pulled himself up, stretching out his arms and arching his back, hearing a distinct and loud click noise.

Virgil pulled a face at the sound, but Janus barely noticed it at this point. He creaked like an old floorboard, he was used to it. He continued to stretch out his scrawny limbs as they made their way downstairs, stretching out his left arm one last time with a final click before entering the kitchen. Immediately Logan, who was sitting at the table with a cup of coffee in hand, looked up, presumably to find the source of the noise. 

“Sorry. Just happens.” Janus murmured, too tired to be sheepish about it. Logan opened up his mouth, seemingly to say something, but just then Roman came into the kitchen behind him, cutting him off as he practically crashed through the doorway, “out of my way, depressed gay, i need some sugar. ” Was all he said as he made a beeline for the cereal box. 

Janus rolled his eyes, “First of all, who said i was gay? I never said that.” Roman looked up at him from pouring cereal into his bowl (How did he grab a bowl that fast-? This guy was really determined to get this cereal) with a raised eyebrow, “I have a 100% accurate gaydar, thank you very much. You’re gay.” Roman said resolutely, before heading over to the fridge to grab milk. 

“Oh, really? Is that statistically realistic? Four gays in one household?” Janus asked, crossing his arms across his chest as he raised an eyebrow back. Roman put the milk carton down and looked over at him, “well, i never said i was gay either.” 

Janus snorted, “As if you’re straight .” 

Roman huffed, “Fine, whatever, so i’m gay too. I’m sure that’s still statistically realistic, you… victorian goth gay.” He spat out, scrambling for some sort of witty remark.

“Victorian goth gay--?”

“YES! I have decided that’s the kind of style you’d have if you… well, had a style.” 

It was Janus’ turn to huff then, “ Hey-- ” He began, but he was swiftly cut off by Virgil, “Boys, as much as i appreciate you’re… not finding difficulty communicating with each other, right now, i think it’s best if we just eat instead of having arguments about being gay, hm? And, Roman, make sure to throw away the empty cereal box.” He quipped as he handed Janus a plate of toast and eggs, Janus blinked, how had he not even noticed that eggs were cooking-?

“Oh…. uhm, are you sure? If someone else--” He began, suddenly unnerved by just being handed a plate of actual decent food at eight in the morning. Who the heck bothered to make decent shit at eight in the morning even for themselves, let alone for some dumb kid they could get away with barely feeding at all?? But Virgil quickly cut him off without missing a beat, “It’s alright, i’ve got more cooking. They only take a sec, it’s fine.” 

“Technically, eggs take much more than a second to cook.” Logan chimed in from the table, and Virgil rolled his eyes, but was still smiling, “Yes Lo, i know. The point was that they don’t take very long.” Logan nodded, “Yes, that is true. However they do go cold rather fast, so i’d suggest eating them before they do, Janus.” 

Janus wasn’t sure if that meant “shut up and just eat already” or what, but he wasn’t risking anything at eight in the fucking morning, he was too tired. So he sat down and started eating, the toast was already cold but he didn’t mind, it was still far better than going with no breakfast, which he’d done… pretty much most of his life. 

“So what’d they give you for breakfast in the ol’ hospital?” Roman asked, chewing on a mouthful of cereal as he flopped down into the chair next to Janus’. “Don’t speak while chewing, Roman.” Logan tutted. Roman rolled his eyes, then turned his attention back to Janus, giving him a look as if to say ‘ well? ’ as he was obviously waiting for an answer.

Janus stared blankly at him for a few seconds, processing Roman’s question before he came up with an answer. It took a stupid amount of time considering Roman had asked such a simple question, but his brain was just slow sometimes, okay? He was exhausted still, give him a break. “Dry cornflakes.” He deadpanned. Roman snorted, “Delightful. I feel bad for you, cornflakes are disgusting.” 

Janus raised an eyebrow at him, “You’re… literally eating cereal right now, you know that, right?” Roman put his bowl down on the table with a gasp, “How dare you compare my wonderful sugary actually good cereal to disgusting dry cornflakes !”

God, there was no way Roman wasn’t a theatre kid, he was loud and dramatic enough to annoy an entire audience of poor people. Janus rolled his eyes. 

“I can assure you that your sugary cereal is in fact not good, it is extremely bad for you. And you finished that box shockingly fast, so you will have to wait a while before you can get more for the sake of your health.” Logan said, putting down his coffee mug and giving Roman a firm look.

Roman let his head fall back with a heavy sigh, “I get it, i get it. You’re both sooo concerned about health all the time. i swear you tell me how to eat healthy every day as if you aren’t the one who buys the groceries, and Virgil reminds me to be safe and not die every time i so much as go outside to take out the trash,” He huffed, “You two are ridiculous.”

Janus tensed up, what on earth was Roman’s deal?? Why did he keep acting like he was trying to start fights?! Was he insane? It was like he purposely trying to piss them off at any given chance. Considering he’d heard Roman call Logan ‘dad’ last night, he was pretty sure Roman had been here long enough and was close enough to them to no longer have to search for their boundaries. 

So what the hell was he playing at? Maybe he just thought it was funny to rile them up? It wasn’t very funny to Janus. As annoying as Roman was, he didn’t want to see the other get hurt. Or have to deal with the aftermath if Virgil and Logan decided they hadn’t taken enough of their anger out yet. He was tense, eyes trained on the tiled kitchen floor as he waited for Virgil and Logan’s response. 

“And it’s working, you haven’t died yet.” Virgil said matter-of-factly as he sat down at the table, placing two plates down, one in front of himself and the other in front of Logan. “Thank you, darling.” Logan said, reaching over to kiss his cheek. “ Ew. ” Janus and Roman said in unison, both averting their eyes. 

“You two are definitely old enough to not be ew- ing at that, you know.” Virgil said in an amused tone. “No matter how old, i will never stop ew- ing at your icky displays of affection.” Roman said resolutely, “Now, if you’ll excuse me, i’d like to enjoy the rest of my cereal before it goes soggy.” He picked up the bowl and spoon and started shoveling cereal into his mouth whilst giving both Logan and Virgil a death stare. 

Janus internally snorted, feeling the tension seep from his shoulders once he saw neither of the two men were angry. He'd never liked having foster siblings usually, but Roman was different. He was a huge idiot. But a funny idiot to watch, at least. Definitely a theatre kid, the mannerisms of putting on a show were drilled into him. Janus wasn’t able to tell yet if he had a breaking point where he’d start getting genuinely angry and Janus would have to defend himself and protect his belongings, but if the things he’d witnessed so far said anything… he was pretty sure he’d be fine. The guy was a huge dork. 

“Was there anything anyone wanted to do today?” Logan asked, addressing the whole table. Roman hummed in thought, “Pretend there's no school tomorrow?” He offered, as if that was an actual suggestion. Although, Janus didn’t mind participating in such an event. He was not looking forward to being pushed into a new school so suddenly. “Seconded.” He muttered. 

“I understand that spending time around other teenagers can be less than pleasant, but i’ll never understand how you don’t get excited to learn new things, at least .” Roman rolled his eyes at Logan’s comment. “Learning is boring.” Roman stated simply. 

“He’s got a point. Not all learning, but most of the stuff they teach you in school is fundamentally useless for general life.” Janus shrugged, crunching on his last piece of toast, “Plus, other human beings are gross.” 

“A good point. Human beings are overrated.” Virgil chimed in. “Even my own husband won’t agree with me, i can’t win any argument around here.” Logan sighed. Virgil chuckled, “Calm down, Lo, you’re starting to sound as dramatic as Roman.” 

“Hey! Don’t make that sound like a bad thing!”

“Of course not, Roman. We love your overdramatic nature.” Virgil said with a smirk as he rolled his eyes, “But Logan has a point, boys. School is important even if it’s terrible. And trust me, i remember how terrible it is. That wasn’t even the school i went too, but i’m still dreading having to even look at a school building and reliving any memories when i have to go up to the school tomorrow.” Virgil said, grimacing.

“I love you a lot, pops, but i’m not being seen with you.” Roman declared firmly. Virgil snorted, “I wouldn’t expect you too, Roman.” Roman nodded and stood up from the table. “I just have to go in and talk with them, since Logan’s already going to be gone for work. I’m not risking them trying to get away with pretending nothing’s different.” He muttered. 

Janus blinked a few times, ‘ pretending nothing’s different’ ?. Wait, was Virgil actually going to go into the school to complain to someone like a damn Karen because of him? What the fuck?? He stared in utter shock at Virgil’s back as the other got up and walked over to get himself a cup of coffee. “Anyways, i was planning on going to the park to meet up with Patton later on, since you asked.” Roman said, scooping the last of his cereal into his mouth as he stood by the sink.

“Alright. Make sure to let us know when you’re leaving and be back before sundown, please. And of course, be safe.” Logan replied. Roman scoffed, “Relax, i said Patton, not Remus, we’ll be perfectly safe.” Logan groaned, “I do not wish to judge your choice in friends, but i must admit Remus is… not my favourite friend you’ve had.”

Roman snickered, “I never would have guessed.” Logan sighed and turned to Janus, “Is there anything you wish to do today? Perhaps we should go out and buy some things to make your room more welcoming. Or any thing you may need, school supplies, new clothes, things like that.”

“Oh. Uhm, that’s fine. I don’t need anything, don’t worry, you’re not at the point where you actually have to waste the money on me because i dared to grow yet.” He let out a dry laugh, ah parental figures not giving a shit about you, the peak of humor.

Logan gave him a confused look with a hint of… concern? What the hell, he wasn’t used to anyone looking at him with concern. Annoyance, exasperation and anger, sure, but concern? Up until that point he was pretty sure he would have to be literally drowning in a river for someone to even give him a glimpse of a concerned look.

“There’s no wasting money when it comes to things you need, Janus. That money is for that exact purpose, and me and Virgil don’t mind spending some extra on occasion if you want something in particular.” Logan said calmly, still looking at him with that weird face.

Janus blinked a few times, trying to even process those words before just staring at Logan in utter shock. Was he… joking? Logan didn’t seem like the type to make jokes, let alone joke like that , but them being actually willing to spend their money on him was so unbelievable he’d believe pretty much anything else in that moment. He’d take the idea that Logan was secretly an alien over the idea that they would just throw away their money on him. 

He must be joking. 

Janus scoffed, frustration boiling up inside of him, shoulders hunching up to his ears, “Yeah, sure. I don’t care, you don’t need to make stupid jokes about it. Besides, you’re the one who asked. And if you were just trying to see if i’d actually ask you for something so you could laugh at me and say no, then that’s pretty immature for a fully grown adult.” He snapped, wishing he could say it with more bite, but he was still testing the waters with these newbies. 

He didn’t know how far he could push before he’d get, you know, slapped round the face. Even if he was pissed off, he was always pissed off at the stupid foster parents who thought it was funny to make fun of and mess with the kids they used for money and housework. But he’d always been scrawny and short for his age, unable to fight back against a fully grown adult who, you know, had actually eaten properly throughout their life. So he had to hold himself back to stop himself from getting broken bones. 

But as soon as the words left his mouth, everything seemed to abruptly stop as the room plunged into silence. Well, shit . He should have kept his mouth shut. He was always shit at keeping his mouth shut. The silence always meant worse anger was coming.

Logan seemed to recover from the abrupt stop fast, “I was not joking. I was genuinely asking. We wouldn’t have taken you in if we couldn’t afford to.” He sounded calm, but Janus couldn’t be sure.  

Which is why he should have backed off, apologized, gone silent, but for some god damn reason, he kept talking. “Yeah, right . I bet they’re paying you more because i'm a ‘special circumstance’ , right? Can’t think of any other reason you’d want a kid who tried to literally bleed himself to death. ” He scoffed, but it came out shaky and he regretted the words as soon as they fell out of his mouth. The air in the room became impossibly heavy. 

“Janus... I apologize, i didn’t mean to upset you, perhaps i should have worded my sentences differently--” 

Was he seriously apologizing? Never in Janus entire life had any adult ever apologized to him, let alone a foster parent, why the fuck would they? What the fuck was Logan doing? Was it… was it some kind of pity thing? He’d mentioned killing himself and now, what, were they going to start walking on eggshells around him?

Hell no. He felt bitterness crawling up his throat, “Oh, oh, so now you’re what?, pitying me? I don’t need a fake apology, you won’t let me near anything sharp and you locked my window i’m not fucking going anywhere .” Why did he keep talking? He needed to stop.  

“Janus--” Virgil reached out his hand and Janus flinched back, hard.

Fuck he needed to learn to shut his mouth. This is what happens when he can’t control his temper, he lashes out and makes them mad. All of the anger seemed to leave his system all at once as it was replaced with cold fear flooding through him. Fuck fuck fuck , he’d gotten so frustrated and loud it was almost yelling, how mad were they going to be? He’d just practically screamed in Logan’s face, how angry would he be? How furious was Virgil after Janus just yelled at his husband ? 

Before anyone could say anything else, before they could start screaming and yelling at him, he forced out an apology that got scrambled on his tongue, “I- i’m- sorry- i shouldn’t have said that i’m- sorry--” It was a mumbling mess of an apology but he needed to at least try to ease off the anger a little. Never piss off the newbies this badly. Ever . How had he forgotten that? It was a simple rule, every kid in the system new not to be so stupid as to scream at them ever, let alone before you’ve tested their boundaries.

God, Roman was still right next to him, what if he ended up getting hurt because of Janus’ lack of control? Sure, he wasn’t exactly Roman’s number one fan and he hadn’t known the guy that long, but after all the shitty foster siblings he’d had, he didn’t want to bring anyone down with him himself. He wasn’t a fan of being a hypocrite. He needed to try and calm them down, for his own sake, and for Roman’s, too. 

"Fuck- i’m sorry--”

“It's-- ...it’s fine, Janus, let’s just all… calm down and--” He barely even registered what was being said to him, or who was saying it, more muttered, useless apologies spilling from his mouth. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck- Someone was still close to him, he was surprised no one had hit him yet. One day, huh. Barely a day. That had to be a record for fastest time to get his ass beat. 

Everything had become blurred, was he crying? God, he hoped not. He didn’t need to look more pathetic. But as his vision became foggy, his brain seemed to fog up along with it, as the sound around him became muffled and he could no longer feel his knees pressed so tightly against his chest. 

Fuck not this again. He hated it when this happened. It was like he was endlessly sinking down into nothingness or getting drowned underwater, for what could sometimes feel like hours. Everything went numb as he couldn’t do anything but sit there and wait for it to be over, wait for his breaths to come easily again, wait for the water to drain away.

There was a tap on his leg and he jumped, it felt ten times more intense than it should since he’d gone so numb. 

“Breathe, you need to breathe, okay? In and out. I’ll count, alright? Just follow along with what i say.” A voice rang in his ear. It was muffled but he managed to make out most of the words and, after a moment of processing, understand what was being asked of him. Breathe was mostly all he heard. Breathe? That… that seemed simple enough. He wasn’t sure why he was being asked to breathe, but… if it helped, he’d do it.

“In for four…” He quickly sucked in a breath, too quick, fuck, well, he’d already failed that. He shook as he let it out. “It’s okay. Let’s try again, alright? I’ll do it with you. In for four…” He went slower that time, still shaking as he did so, but managed to do as requested. 

“That’s good. Hold for six.” 

That was easier said than done, he felt like he was trying to stop himself from breathing underwater as he held the breath. He was sure he only made it to five but he wasn’t told to start again. Instead, the voice who was talking to and guiding him (wait, who was that again?) simply continued, “That’s great, good job. Now out for eight, if you can.” He’d never had to breath out so slowly before, but he tried his best. 

“You did so well, Janus. Can we try again?” 

So he did it again. And again, until the numbness started to fade and the fog in his mind started to clear. Things slowly started to come back to him, in a much smoother and more peaceful way than usual. The fourth time around his vision started to clear finally, with the help of the tears starting to try up. He realised that he was still curled up in the chair at the kitchen table, but his chair had been pulled back, and Virgil was crouching in front of him. 

“Hey bud, are you feeling better?” Virgil asked gently. He took a few more deep breaths in and out before nodding. “You wanna go lie down for a bit?” Virgil asked again. He nodded again, refusing to look up and see Logan or Roman’s faces. Virgil’s was enough. 

If they would let him go lie down, he was gonna take it. “Alright. I’ll come check on you in a bit, okay?” Virgil said as he moved back. Janus hastily nodded before getting the hell out of there, getting up the stairs as fast his legs would allow while still feeling wobbly.

As soon as he got to ‘his’ room, he face planted onto the bed, spared from the expected pain from a fluffy pillow he landed on. A pillow he didn’t deserve. He sighed. 

Chapter Text

Ugh. 

School. 

Don't get Janus wrong, being woken at an ungodly hour by the emo who is apparently very much a morning person and hearing the lecture about how school was important from the professor parent (Logan was talking to Roman. Janus shouldn't have even had to hear it) was delightful enough by itself. But boy he couldn't wait to be forced into a new school full of chaotic evil teenagers. Not to mention the fact that, considering Virgil was apparently going to make it very clear to all the school staff by marching in like an emo karen, there was no doubt it'd soon spread to the students and in a week he'd forever be known as that batshit crazy kid who tried to off himself. 

Fantastic. 

Clearly Roman shared his disdain, if the audible groan he let out as they pulled up outside the school was anything to go by. A little solidarity, at least. Roman seemed like the type to try and be ‘popular’ or whatever in school, though, so Janus was a little surprised he seemed to hate it so much. Perhaps all that learning just hurt his square brain. Janus snickered to himself. 

Virgil chuckled at Roman, "Every week the groan gets louder, i swear. Come on kid, off you go. I can already see Patton waiting for you." Roman sighed and dramatically rolled his eyes, but grabbed his bag (also Disney themed. Now that Janus thought about it, his extensive Disney themed collection may be holding Roman back from having too many friends.) and pulled himself out of the car, making his way over to who Janus could only assume was Patton, a strawberry blonde haired boy with big round glasses, who was waiting by what looked like the entrance.

Janus cringed as the guy practically crushed Roman in a hug, he was half expecting Roman to fall right to the ground as soon as he let go. Note to self, if Roman ever drags you into meeting his friends, do not let that Patton kid hug you.

"Alright, come on then. I think i remember where the office is. I chugged coffee with my anxiety medication this morning and i’m ready to go." Virgil said, turning his head back to look at Janus in the back as he pushed the car door open. Janus internally questioned if that was even a safe thing to do, but kept his mouth shut as he shuffled out of the car, hastily grabbing his old bag full of stuff Roman had given him (well, that Logan told Roman to give him) as a temporary stationary set, notebook, etc. Since they never got to go shopping before school started. 

He winced at the memory of why exactly that was. They hadn't mentioned a punishment for it, though, at least. 

Yet. 

He awkwardly followed Virgil past the school gates, watching as the emo stuck his tongue out in disgust. He stifled a laugh at the action. God, this one was really one of a kind when it came to foster parents. Or most grown adults in general. "I hate having to come here. My school memories are less than magical." Virgil muttered. 

"Well yeah, i’m not surprised, if you dressed like that back then, too." The words slipped out of his mouth with snark before he could stop them and he quickly slapped a hand over his mouth. He hadn't meant to say that out loud. 

Great, what a good start to a new school. Forget being known as the crazy suicidal kid, he'd be known as the kid who got yelled at and slapped at by the front of the school where everyone could see. Absolutely marvelous. He was going to run out of sarcastic adjectives to use. 

His jaw dropped when Virgil laughed. He actually laughed, like full on laughing as if it were a lighthearted joke. As if Janus hadn't just insulted him to his face. 

" Ha. Yeah yeah, i thought emo was cool again these days?" Virgil teased. Janus was stuck for an answer, despite the fact it wasn’t even a real question, unable to believe he'd gotten away with that. Surely not. 

Maybe it was just because they were in public. Virgil was keeping calm since people could see them so out in the open, not wanting to make a scene. But later, when he got back home… he clutched his bag so tight his knuckles went white, fuck. He was screwed, wasn't he? 

"Anyways, school starts pretty soon so let's be quick with this." Virgil said, waving it off as he walked up to the entrance. Janus followed behind him, keeping a safe distance with his gaze trained to the ground, trying desperately to keep himself calm. In and out…  in… out… fuck he didn't want to make it obvious he was struggling to keep calm though, he didn’t need to bring attention to that. How does one breathe quietly as not to alert freakily observant adults??

He wasn't focusing on the outside world, completely stuck in his own head as he tried to clutch onto calm thoughts and bring himself back down to earth, and before he knew it they'd stopped outside a door with a silver plaque that read "Mr. Johnson". Honestly, just from that name alone, Janus already hated him. 

"You go down there to reception, say who you are so you can grab your locker number, class schedule and stuff, alright? I gotta talk to this old fart." Virgil muttered, pointing to the hallway leading left. 

"Okay." Janus nodded, too nervous and fixated on an upcoming punishment to even find the humor in Virgil calling the guy an old fart. 

He did as he was told, flinching when Virgil called out to him, "Have a good day, try not to get into any highschool movie drama on your first day!" He forced himself to breathe out and tried to remain calm. Well, calm enough that when he first walked into reception the person working there wouldn’t immediately see him shaking and think he was on drugs, at least. They’d probably seen enough of that already. He'd be fine, right? Virgil didn't exactly look all that strong and scary. 

Although he was pretty damn tall. And Janus was definitely short, and scrawny, and had noodle arms. But it'd be fine. 

It's fine.

He awkwardly shuffled up to the desk, waiting to get the attention of the lady sat behind it, who was seemingly in the middle of a call. Eventually she put the phone down and looked up at him with what he could tell was a forced smile, "What can i do for you?"

"Uhm, i'm new, it's my first day. My name is Janus. J-a-n-u-s." She nodded, turning to her computer, "i would ask for a last name but with a first one like that i think i can find you without one." She said, laughing as she said it but he could hear the slight sneer in her voice. 

Janus internally huffed. Well, it wasn't his fault his parents had shit name ideas. They turned out to just be shit in general. But he put on an even sweeter fake smile to challenge hers and nodded. "There we go. Alright, I'll print out your schedule for you. Since you weren't here to answer, your classes have been filled in for whatever was closest to your old ones."

He nodded, got his locker number, waited for the schedule to be printed and muttered a thank you before quickly hurrying away, having the feeling that the whole ordeal had taken far too long. Being late on his first day would definitely make a fun first impression. He glanced at the map she'd given him, trying to find wherever he needed to go first on this map of hell. He groaned. He hated starting at new schools. 

--

Aside from getting completely lost and having to desperately try to avoid needing to sharpen his pencil all day, it wasn't the worst first day at school in history. He got a couple looks, unavoidable when you looked like he did, but since basically no one gives a shit about the new kid (highschool movies are deceiving, would you believe it?) he got through the day without being bothered. Well, a few of the teachers kept shooting him looks throughout classes, but he could just ignore them.

How did they get the information so fast anyways? Even the first teacher he had squinted at him when he walked him. Did they already know? Was Virgil going in to tell them or to remind them? He was pretty sure they had to know before he arrived, for legal reasons or something. Did the staff all know? Ugh. That was going to be fun. 

He was relieved to get out of that place, until he saw Virgil's car and remembered what had happened that morning. He could feel how stiff and tense he'd become as he walked over to the car, sliding into the back and picking up on what was clearly already halfway into a conversation with Roman talking loudly about his day. 

Virgil glanced back at him with a smile (it seemed innocent and genuine, not the kind of sadistic smile he'd expect from someone waiting to go batshit on him, but he knew that wasn't enough information to claim it was safe), "Hey bud, how was it?" 

Roman huffed slightly at being interrupted, but looked back also. In fact, he entirely turned completely around in his seat, making it obviously clear he was not wearing a seat belt. Virgil rolled his eyes, “Buckle your seatbelt, Roman.” Roman stuck out his tongue at the emo before turning back around to buckle up, but they were both still looking at Janus waiting for an answer.

Janus blinked at being suddenly put on the spot, and stuttered out the first words that came to mind, "Well, i'm still alive." 

Well… it was true at least. And the truth wasn't something he was fond of. Life in the foster system relies on a lot of lies. And in general his lifetime had required him to become very skilled at deceiving people, to the point where he sometimes did it on instinct, random useless lies that soothed anxiety that had no reason to even exist. 

Virgil hummed, "Well, that's the goal." Was all he said as he turned back to the wheel and started up the car. Roman, unsurprisingly enough, went back to talking about himself. He'd only known this guy two days and yet he already knew completely that he was one of those kids at a birthday party who took the attention of the actual birthday kid. And probably the type to cry when he didn't win pass the parcel. 

They got home fairly quickly, the journey overall wasn't far but it'd take a while to walk the whole way, so Janus was thankful Virgil was willing to drive them. If he had to walk with Roman and listen to him go on about his day every single day, he was pretty sure he’d actually lose his mind. All of those people in the past that had said he’d lost it would finally be onto something. 

He was still stiff as cardboard and a nervous wreck as soon as they got home, though. Since Virgil unlocked the front door he could assume Logan wasn't home yet, so when Roman immediately disappeared upstairs and it was just him and Virgil alone, his fear and survival instincts kicked in hard . 

Was it safe to go upstairs? What if that was taken as him trying to escape? Would he get in more trouble? What if he went fast and quiet enough, Virgil wouldn't notice right away, and he could find a place to hide? Shit though, hiding could definitely make him more angry. And of course Virgil would know where to look, it was his house. Fuck. What was he supposed to do?? Just stand by the door and wait?? He wasn't sure he could, he knew instinctively he'd try to escape as soon as anyone came at him. Or he'd just pathetically crumble to the ground, and that might also make him angrier, no one wants a pathetic little crybaby for a kid, even a foster kid. His chest was tight as he ran through the possibilities in his mind, jumping from one conclusion to another, each getting deeper into the anxiety pit growing in his stomach. 

FUCK fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck--

"Janus?" 

It was only a call from the other room, yet he flinched back as if someone had just jumped in front of him, hitting the door behind him with his elbow, which sent a shot of pain down his entire arm. And, of course, he just had to audibly wince instead of just being quiet. Well shit. That was about three of the things his anxiety ridden mind had just told him would get him absolutely murdered right now. Just perfect.  

He pushed himself up against the door, trying to get his ragged breathing under control. Fucking hell, he'd literally done this yesterday , and he was doing it again already ? That might be a record. Not a good record, especially to brand new foster parents. At this point they were probably going to only see him as a walking anxiety attack. 

“I heard something, you alright--?” Virgil began as he walked back into the hallway from the kitchen, but cut himself off when he saw the mess of panic that Janus was so poorly trying to hide, quickly changing his tone, “Hey hey, can you still hear me? I need you to breathe, okay? Just like before, in, hold, and out, okay?” 

Janus couldn’t for the life of him understand why he shook his head at the request, (well, it was more like an order, but saying he ignored that certainly wasn’t going to help his panic right now.) maybe it was because he knew he’d done this exact thing not even twenty-four hours ago, maybe it was because of the blur of purple and black he saw moving towards him and his brain was so overwhelmed he’d simply just short circuited and stopped functioning like a rational person, who knows?  

Either way he was still pressed up against the door, unable to breath properly, vision blurred and his head pounding so loud he could hear it in his ears. Did that even make sense? Fuck he didn’t even know at that point. 

Breathe.

Fuck, alright, he had to do it, otherwise he was pretty sure he’d pass out. Not that he minded that, honestly, passing out might be a nice break. But he was already in a shitload of trouble, he didn’t need to be in more. He forced himself to let out the breath he’d been holding. Well, that was a start.

“Please, Janus? I promise it’ll help. I know it’s hard but you’ve gotta try, okay? I’ll do it too, alright, and you can follow me.” The loud ringing in Janus’ ear made it a little hard to hear but he heard enough to know what was being asked of him, managing a small nod in response to let Virgil know he understood.

“Good job, thank you. Alright, you remember how to do it? In for four…”

He wasn’t quite as far gone as before, (at least, he thought so. Really at that point he couldn’t tell.) so he managed to come back a little quicker than before, although he noted that this time Virgil wasn’t directly in front of him. He was standing back down the hall, close enough that Janus could hear him still, but notably far back enough that Janus didn’t feel trapped. 

Fuck. Who even was this guy? Foster parents are never like this. Why did he even bother helping if he was going to immediately send him into another attack? Maybe he was trying to stop another attack, so it wouldn’t be obvious he’d done anything. He didn’t see the need to hide it, though. Only Roman was home and, well… surely he’d know about it? Maybe Roman had never actually done anything that pissed them off enough to hurt him. Yet Janus did in less than forty-eight hours of being there. Of course. Classic for him. 

“Sorry.” Was the first thing he croaked out, voice rough and quiet. He heard a sigh and flinched on instinct, a sigh was usually something he heard before he was going to get slapped or something. 

But instead of a pain across his face he heard a saddened voice, “You don’t have to apologize for those, you know? It’s… not your fault. And i’m sorry anybody ever made you think you had to.” 

.

...Wait…. What?

Did- did Virgil just apologize, to him??  

He couldn’t help himself from staring, absolutely bewildered, wide-eyed at the man without even a single word coming to his mind of how on earth to fucking respond to that. He apologized! To him! For other people. 

Okay, you know what , it was official, he actually had passed out and this was some weird dream or hallucination he was having. The only explanation. There was no way that just actually happened. First Logan and now Virgil, too??

“Janus? Are you okay?” He forced himself to stop staring, looking away, even if it was only staring to the side at a blank patch of wall. He needed to answer, although all he could manage was a nod when his brain failed to come up with words. 

“Alright, good to know.” Virgil said, letting out a soft sigh, he slowly took a step forward, “Can i ask… what set you off?” Janus winced and squeezed his eyes shut. Right. He doubted he’d gotten out of some sort of punishment, even if it wasn’t psychical. 

But at that point, he was too exhausted to care. He let himself slide down to the floor, still leaning against the door, whatever it was, he might as well just let Virgil get it over with. Hopefully he’d still be allowed to go spend the next few hours alone in his room afterwards, at least. 

He heard footsteps coming towards him but he didn’t have the energy to even flinch. “Janus?” Seriously? Still? What was this guy waiting for? Was he really going to make Janus say it? He sighed, whatever, he was too fucking dead to care at that point. At least it wasn’t public. Maybe that’s why Roman went up stairs immediately. Maybe Virgil had tells of anger Janus hadn’t figured out yet. 

“I… i mean, i literally insulted you to your face this morning, in front of the school. I guess i just got worked up about it. Sorry.” He muttered, staring down at the wooden floorboards, even the floor was shockingly clean in this house. How often did they clean, seriously? 

“You…” Virgil, who was now crouched in front of him, (still keeping a safe distance, however. Although at that point it seemed useless) spoke before trailing off. Then his eyes widened with realisation, “Wait, you mean the thing about me being emo back in highschool?”

“Uhm… yeah?” Janus shrugged, not sure why Virgil was so surprised, as if he didn’t remember it. Wait, had he somehow forgotten? Holy shit, did Janus just screw himself over by bringing it up again? Fucking idiot!

“You… oh shoot, you thought i was mad about that? Buddy it was a joke. I know you were joking, i know you weren’t trying to hurt my feelings. Why would i be mad?” Virgil asked, voice soft yet laced with such heavy emotion. Wait, so, he did remember and he… he wasn’t mad? Well, he did laugh, but… Janus had just assumed it wasn’t genuine. 

He could only blankly stare at Virgil, unable to fully process any of this. He was too tired for trying to figure out confusing emo foster parents, couldn’t he just hit him and get it over with? Janus knew exactly what that meant, no puzzle to figure out there. 

“Oh, bud, did you think i’d be mad at you? Oh… you… you didn’t think i would hurt you, did you?” There was so much apprehension, worry, concern, and a hint of anger hidden in his voice that Janus didn’t know how to reply other than the honest (aha.) and blunt truth, so he just nodded. 

The anger certainly became less hidden at those words, but by then, Janus was too exhausted to care. In fact, he was sort of revelived they could just get it over with. He wasn’t sure what he said to set Virgil off but he didn’t care about that either. He just wanted to be done.  

“God, i… fuck. I forgot how this feels....” Virgil muttered, seemingly to himself, he took a deep breath, “No, i wouldn’t. Not at all, i can’t imagine for one second ever doing something like that over a harmless joke. I promise you, you are safe.” 

Safe…? Well, Janus wasn’t sure about that, but if he was getting out of this one… he wasn’t going to complain. He waited a moment to see if Virgil was going to say anything else, but only silence and a concerned look met him.

Of course he didn’t like being fucking hit, but sometimes that was easier. It was simple, it set a clear boundary for what not to do, very clear, actually. And it kept that part of his brain that said shit like “ Yeah i bet if you dressed like you do now ” to people’s faces from coming through so often. 

But, well, he’d still of course take not getting the shit beat of him over having it, so, he quickly pulled himself off the floor and made a beeline for the stairs before Virgil could change his mind. 

He was halfway up when he heard a voice and he froze, waiting for it to finally all come crashing down on him, “Come to me if you need anything, okay?… Please.”

… Well, fuck.

Chapter Text

Alright, so, maybe this was a bit desperate of him.

But honestly, he’d gotten desperate. After a full week of spending the nights alone in this room, surrounded by complete silence, Janus was starting to lose his mind. It was always so dark and… lonely. It was never just ...silent like this. Never in any of his past foster homes with a tv playing or noisy little kids, never at the hospital with the constant sound of people moving around and machines beeping… he practically never slept when he lived with his parents anyways. The silence was unsettling, he’d never had it before. 

He didn’t even know if the lack of noise was the issue. He just wished he could have something to help him feel less… what even was it? … trapped? He had no idea how to describe it. Trapped didn’t feel quite right. It was the biggest room he’d ever been in, and he knew the door was open. 

He’d checked thoroughly for anyway to lock it, plus searched around for a lock they could just put on the handle, and found nothing. And on the first night he’d listened out for any sound outside his door that could be some sort of lock, heard nothing, and checked to make sure he could still open the door after Logan and Virgil had gone to bed. (Extremely slowly and carefully to avoid it creaking, of course. He wasn’t dealing with waking them up in the middle of the night.) 

He wasn’t trapped, he could leave if he wanted to. He knew that. But something was still wrong. Off. He couldn’t sleep, even in the biggest and comfiest bed he’d ever had. Couldn’t even relax in the most spacious and cleanest room he’d ever been in. Even though a part of him was telling him to savour it while it lasted. Homes like this are rare and when he got the boot he’d risk ending up god knows where. 

But he couldn’t shake the feeling that something was just… not right. It was probably just his broken brain acting up again. Maybe leaving, just even for a small walk around the house would help. A walk outside might be even better. Fresh air, no one around… only a small risk of getting murdered. Which wouldn’t be a problem for him, anyways. 

But, well , first of all, it was so utterly silent that there was not a single sound to cover him if he were to make noise while trying to leave his room. And second, he hadn’t been here long enough to know how to move around in the dark yet. He wasn’t familiar with the place and as a general rule crashing into things made loud noises. Not to mention the fear of what would happen if he got caught, even just wandering around the house, let alone trying to leave the house. Then they probably would lock him in his room. 

As if he wasn’t desperate and losing his mind enough already. Being locked up was the last thing he needed. The weeks in the hospital unable to leave his room were enough. 

So, the window was the next best thing. Since he feared so much as the bedroom door creaking when he opened it. Pathetic. Shut up. Even though he knew he wasn’t trapped, and there was really no reason that could justify the level of desperation he’d sunk too… maybe he just wanted to have some fresh air or something. Night air is nice. Shut up. 

And so, that was the reason he was currently on the floor on his hands and knees, searching underneath every piece of furniture and in between every nook and cranny for a window key. Not his best moment.

He was hoping maybe they’d forgotten it, and it had fallen somewhere or something. A long shot but it was his best shot. He’d searched through the entire closet, under the desk and the bed, in every drawer, he’d checked behind and under everything and in any crack he could psychically reach. It was most likely in literally any other room than his bedroom, but that was the only place he could check. It wasn’t like he could just start randomly looking for the key to his window, a window which was very much big enough for him to get out of, in the middle of the kitchen or something where everyone could see. They locked it for a reason. 

But hey , that wasn’t going to stop his mess of a brain from convincing him to keep trying!

He sighed to himself, he didn’t know why he was bothering, really. Even if he did manage to find it by some miracle, he’d have to not only hide that he had it, but he’d also have to make sure it was closed and locked each time someone came in just in case. And also, what if the window was also loud and made an alarming noise when it was opened?

Not to mention if the thoughts and urges suddenly flooded back into his mind at any given moment, and he had the ability to… God, they were trying so hard to keep him safe. That’s why it was locked in the first place. That’s why they locked away all their knives and any other sharp object in the kitchen, and put all their medicine and pills away, (Apart from bandages, although at least they let him change his own bandages. He didn’t want them to have to look at the mess) why they never left him alone for more than an hour without checking in on him. It was annoying as hell, frustrating, anxiety inducing, sometimes it just made him want to scream … but he knew why they did it. 

He wanted to yell at them to fuck off and leave him alone, but at the same time, there was a part of him that knew they were only trying to help, and god knows they were probably the first ones. Hell, all he’d done since he got here was have breakdowns and attacks and hide from them. He’d been refusing to barely even acknowledge them since monday. He groaned, pushing himself up from the floor and leaning back against the bed frame. This was stupid. 

He didn’t want to be here. He never wanted to be here in the first place. Forget foster parents he didn’t want to be on earth. He hated that they were trying so hard to keep him safe, why couldn’t they just let him die? He wanted it, hell, he’d known a lot of people in the past who wanted it too. He hadn’t been here long enough for them to even give a shit about him, so why not just let him die and be one less person for the world to have to deal with? 

But alas, for god knows what reason, they wouldn’t allow it. And the thoughts were flaring up again like some sort of… self… harming… suicidal… rash. Ew, bad metaphor . He’d snuck into the kitchen while Virgil was wrapped up busy doing something else yesterday and tried to find any loose sharp object lying around that they might have missed or left out, but no such luck. He ended up just scratching at his arms to try and get rid of the urge but it was safe to say he hadn’t gotten any sleep last night. He’d even tried using that stupid cat plush that was so heavy to see if it would do anything, but it barely left a bruise. He still didn’t know why they’d even given him that. He’d figured out the smell was lavender.

He knew that there was a pack of markers they’d given him, with a little sticky note inside telling him that maybe drawing on his arms would help him feel better. But, 1, during the day they kept checking on him and he didn’t want them to know he was having urges (or to see all his scars. Even he didn’t like looking at them and he damn made half of them) and 2, during the night after everyone had gone to bed… well, it was dark. He couldn’t exactly see . 

They were being thorough about this, clearly. And he hated it. And a part of him hated them for it. At least it was Friday now, and he could not have to deal with school tomorrow. Roman kept trying to introduce him to his friends and Janus could only avoid them for so long. 

He pulled his knees up to his chest and groaned once more, but he didn’t feel like he quite let it out enough though so he groaned again , louder this time.

Still didn’t feel any better, though. Oh well, worth a shot. 

“Janus?” He jumped at the sound of a voice outside his door. Jesus , why did everyone in this house have silent footsteps? (Well, apart from Roman. That kid was like an elephant going up and down the stairs). “It’s me, Logan. Could you open the door?” Janus wanted to just keep groaning curled up in a depressed ball on the floor and just ignore him, but he knew he couldn’t do that.

Since Logan worked during the day and Virgil worked from home, he’d definitely seen a lot more of Virgil than he had Logan during the past week, so he wasn’t quite used to the other foster parent yet. In the sense that he still seemed like a bomb rigged to explode any second. He was even taller than Virgil, and, although he couldn’t really tell with Virgil wearing a baggy hoodie all the time, he looked a little stronger too. So, you know, all the stuff that makes a person fun to be around. With a general cold look about him to match Janus for sure not going to piss that guy off.

In the little experience he’d had with Virgil so far he’d seen that, from the looks of it, he was the more patient one. Although he’d seen Virgil wasn’t quite a rigged bomb he could still be a bomb that just… hadn’t been set off yet.

But with that being said, when one of the foster parents is the more patient and maybe a little nicer one, that usually means the other is making up for it by being a hotheaded, mentally unstable and terrifying dickhead. He was yet to see a fail to this in all the families he’d had over the years. They were either both on the same level of being horrible, or one of them was better, but that meant the other was ten times worse. 

With that in mind he pulled himself up quick and went to go open the door. He never understood why they knocked and asked before they entered. Maybe they were just assuming from his age or just the fact he was a teenage boy that checking before entering was necessary. He wrinkled his nose at the idea. He hoped that wasn’t what they thought. Yeah, no. Each to their own and all, but not his thing. No judgement but personally he was too busy focusing on his dumpster fire of an excuse for mental health.

“Since tomorrow is a Saturday and we are free, i thought perhaps we could go shopping since we didn’t get to last weekend. I can imagine that you’re rather tired of this plain room, and we want it to feel like it’s a safe place, also. We tried to fill it with as much as we could before you arrived. However, since it’s your room, we also wanted your input on decorations.” Logan said, looking around the room from the doorway. Janus blinked at him.

"Roman would most likely not wish to join us, so we would have a limited time for, as much as i trust him, i also would like to still have a house when we get back. So keep that in mind. Do you want to go shopping?” Logan asked. 

Janus blinked a couple more times as he took in all of those words. It was too many words. Why did Logan talk like a walking dictionary? Not that he was judging, it would be pretty hypocritical of him to judge people who do things differently, given all the things he did that he’d been called a weirdo for. At least being called a weirdo by a kid your age was better than some old ‘professional’, who actually knows jack shit, calling you ‘ special’. But back to Logan. It was a little hard to process it when he talked like that but after rerunning the words in his brain he managed to pick it up. 

Right. The shopping thing. He distinctly remembered how he’d reacted the first time Logan brought up buying him anything. He was surprised Logan was even willing to anymore. And still not entirely convinced they were willing to spend anything on him, really. 

But he was frustrated and tired, and in no mood to have another attack, so he shrugged his shoulders and responded, “Okay.”  He really wasn’t in the mood for this. He wasn’t sure what his mood was, a mix of tired, annoyed, depressed as fuck, you know the mood, but it certainly wasn’t a patient one. Still. No need to let Logan know he was pissed off because he couldn’t die. At least he had until tomorrow to get his shit together.

Maybe his unnerved irrational fear of him would be helpful when it came to not letting any grumbles or passive aggressive comments slip out. Fear is the best motivator after all. 

“Good. I will inform Virgil.” Logan nodded.

“Uhm, okay. Thanks.” Janus muttered, closing his door as Logan walked away. He’d started picking up on Logan’s speech patterns on the first night here, but it was still definitely going to take some getting used to. It wasn’t Logan’s problem after all. He was more worried about having to embarrassingly admit he couldn’t keep up with what Logan was saying because of his stupid broken brain. Great.  

--

There was one thing Janus had conveniently forgotten before he (begrudgingly) agreed to this whole shopping thing. And that was how absolutely horrible he was at making decisions. He didn’t even know why but for some reason he just couldn’t do it. Any kind of decision no matter how small and useless sometimes just made his brain short circuit. And even if he could decide he was barely ever able to even say it out loud. All this trauma fucking up his brain was really inconvenient for life. 

They started out with clothes, grabbing a few plain black, grey and overall dark coloured shirts and jeans was easy enough. As long as he could still cover his arms and wear the beanie he liked he didn’t care much what he was wearing. He had some more outgoing looks he wouldn’t try minding at some point but he certainly had a lot more to worry about in life than what clothes he was wearing. Besides, he had a feeling the kind of looks he wanted to try out would be expensive and plain shirts and jeans weren’t. He was kind of curious about trying out the whole ‘victorian goth’ style Roman had mentioned but, again, expensive… 

But it was fine. He had more clothes than before. He thanked them quietly with a mutter as they left the clothes section. 

But then they went to the home and living section of the store, and suddenly he realised that they actually wanted him to choose things for his room. What was even the point in that? What a waste of money. Plus he hated being put on the spot like this.

“What do you think? Maybe a couple pillows, you already have the little grey one we gave you but hey, the more pillows the better. That one was more a temporary thing to make the room seem a little cozier. And maybe a blanket, since the weighted one is obviously not meant for regular blanket use.” Virgil said, picking up one of the pillows from the shelf, “ Boo, not soft enough.” 

Janus just watched confusedly, what? Why did any of that… matter? Why spend money on stuff that he didn’t need, let alone stuff he technically already had.  

Logan rolled his eyes at his husband, but there was definitely a small smile tugging at his lips. He took the pillow from Virgil’s hand and placed it back down on the shelf. He then seemed the scan over the other pillows and blankets on display, “As much as i hate to have to bring this up, we need to be safe with what we get. No blankets that are thick, it needs to be breathable enough that it’s safe.” 

Janus grumbled to himself, he couldn’t even get a damn blanket without them panicking about him trying to frickin’ off himself. Virgil hummed lightly and picked up another pillow made out of different material. “Lucky there's no one in this aisle right now because i’m not publicly sticking a pillow into my face.” 

Janus snorted at the comment, trying to keep himself from laughing more as Virgil actually did stick it into his face, presumably to check he could still breathe. Although it was… kind of weird and unsettling to watch knowing he was actually checking to see if Janus could suffocate himself with it. His laughter quickly was gone. Well, at least he’d been in a better mood for a solid thirty seconds.

Virgil handed it to Logan, who started... inspecting it? Had they… purposely gotten information on what kind of materials were safe? Fucking hell. That’s one hell of a google search. ‘ Hey what kind of materials can’t you suffocate from’. “This one seems fine. It’s not as soft as it could be but unfortunately the fluffy ones are certainly not safe. Here, is this alright?” He asked, offering it out to Janus.

Janus took it, still not wanting to have to make any decisions, and brushed over it with his hand. It was fairly soft still, softer than anything he usually got to have. He hugged it to his chest, it was kinda nice to hold. He knew that wasn’t the intended purpose of a pillow but whatever, he liked hugging blankets instead of using them as intended as well. Why use things as intended?

“Uhm…. Sure? It’s… it’s okay, then… yeah?” 

“Of course it’s okay. Let’s get a couple of these ones then.” Virgil said, giving him a gentle smile before picking up another one of the pillows, placing it into the trolley they had. Janus did the same, putting the other gently on top. “What else?” Virgil asked to no one in particular. He turned back to Logan who was looking at a blanket, “Hm well, Janus, what kind of colours do you like? A colour theme is a good place to start. I don’t know how much we’ll be able to find here alone but we should be able to get the basics.” 

Janus blinked at suddenly being addressed. Wait, these are considered the basics to them?? He had a bed, it had sheets, and he had clothes to wear. That seems like the basics to him. He opened his mouth to answer but no words came out as his brain suddenly came to a halt. The only time it wasn’t going at sonic on steroids speed. Uhm. Well he liked yellow, but maybe that would sound stupid, it was known as a bright sunshiny colour after all. He could just say black but, well, he didn’t really want an entirely black room, really. It would only make the night time worse. 

“Janus?” Logan put the blanket back on the shelf and turned to him. Oh, shit. He hated it when this happened and he had to endure the terrible moments of people staring at him waiting for an answer while his two brain cells tried to cooperate. Stupid brain, just give an answer! “Uh-umm… i don’t-- know. Sorry.” He cringed at the stuttering that fell from his mouth, Jesus Christ. He was useless.

Logan looked at him for a long moment with an indecipherable expression and he could only stand a couple seconds of it before he had to turn to stare at the ground. Eventually Logan spoke up, “Ah. Well, that’s alright. Maybe we can break it down. This blanket is good and should be safe, and they have it in black, grey, dark blue, or yellow. So, which would you prefer?” 

While he didn’t appreciate them having to break things down for him like he was a child, in all honesty, it did help, even if it felt dumb. “Uhm…” Janus slowly stepped over closer to the shelf, he silently reached out and grabbed the yellow one. It was still soft even with a lack of fluff. “Yellow? Alright then.” Logan nodded, “Let’s see what’s down the next aisle.” Janus put the blanket in the trolley next to the pillows and followed Logan to the next aisle along, breathing out slowly. 

The shelves on the next aisle were full of little decorations, fake plants, little figurines, etc. “Is there anything here you like? Some of these have yellow accents, if that’s the colour you like.” Logan asked. Janus was about to shake his head, little things like that were useless, plus they broke easily and he could lack spatial awareness sometimes. And also depth perception. But then Logan picked up a tiny little snake figure wrapped around a little fake plant pot. 

Shit. He wanted that. It was cute and yellow and he liked it. He’d always liked snakes, he’d got to hold one on a school trip as a kid once and it was one of the very few actually decent memories from his childhood. “There's not much room for something like this on your shelves, however. Perhaps just one or two. We should perhaps invest in another shelf for you at a later time.” Great, so there wasn’t room for it and it was a waste of money.

He should just say no and move on. It was just a silly snake, he could live without it. Virgil then came down the aisle pushing the trolley and gasped when he saw the little figure in Logan’s hand, “That’s so cute! Hell, if you don’t want it Jan i’ll put it in my office, next to the little spider i have.” 

Logan chuckled at his husband, “That’s a purchase then. What about this one? It’s a bee, i believe.” He picked up a little black and yellow bee figure, this one with little fake leaves sticking out in place of wings. But hell if Janus wasn’t about to go sue the person who made these for making them the absolute perfect shade of yellow that his brain just wanted to consume.

“Adorable. They’re best buds.” Virgil said adamantly. “Virgil… that is not at all plausible.” Logan said, giving Virgil a confused look. “Nope. best friends. Put it in the trolley.” Virgil said, once again leaving no room for argument. Logan looked utterly confused but placed it carefully into the trolley nonetheless. Clearly he didn’t pick on the fact that Virgil wasn’t trying to suggest they would actually be real life best friends. But Virgil seemed to talk like that most of the time.

How were these two married??

Logan sighed and carefully put the bee in the trolley with the snake and Janus was internally hoping to god that Virgil would let him have them instead of putting them in his office. There was nothing special about them really but his brain just… wanted them. His brain needed to stop getting randomly attached to objects. 

He’d been distracted by the little figurines for a while, but he got the same haunted feeling about making decisions when they took him to another aisle to get new sheets. “Well since we have a colour theme going on here, how about these ones? Since the blanket is yellow and it’ll probably end up over the end of your bed, sheets with less yellow on are probably a good idea.” Virgil said, picking up some monochrome sheets with hints of yellow, patterned in geometric shapes. 

He shrugged, fiddling with the handle of the trolley and gently pushing it back and forth. He was starting to run out of fuel for being outside. Not that he had much fuel to begin with. He’d come outside fully pissed off and trying to hide it and now he was just tired and feeling empty, not to mention the kick of anxiety that crept in anytime they asked him to make a decision. Virgil seemed to sense he was done, giving him a sympathetic smile, “Alright. Let’s just get a couple more things, okay?” 

By the time they were done with a pair of matching curtains and a rug he was completely dead. His brain hurt and he knew they’d just spent a lot of money they really didn’t have too. And hell if he hadn’t already gotten himself into a memorable mess over money. Why would they spend money on him?? He wasn’t worth it. Waste of money. Fucking useless kid. Waste. They should have been joking. They really just wasted all that on him. He was glad to be going home when they got back in the car, leaning his head against the window and trying to get his brain to stop… doing whatever it was doing that was making him feel bad. It was like a headache but directly his brain.

“Hey buddy, you alright? I know this might have been a lot on you.” He sighed at the sound of Virgil’s voice. “Yeah, i’m… fine. Just… tired, ya know? Thank you guys… for getting me some stuff. You didn’t have to, honestly, you guys already had given me more than most foster parents ever have.” He muttered.

He saw Virgil pull a concerned face and he would bet that Logan was pulling one too, he just couldn’t see since the other was looking at the road. “I mean… we didn’t want the room to be completely empty since we didn’t want you to feel it was too empty or alone in there. But… it was still plain white, nothing really nice or cozy or interesting in there… kind of just the bare minimum.”

Janus gave a dry laugh, “Exactly.” 

There was silence for a good minute, and he heard a sharp inhale and exhale from the front. Uh oh. Had he done something that could piss them off? Again? Honestly anyone from his past that had told him he was completely talentless clearly had no idea about his incredible power to piss people off. 

Oh, wait, actually no. How could he forget his own mother telling him his special talent was being an annoying little shit? Ah, good memories. A part of him felt guilty for saying it, but... he was glad she was out of his life again. 

He waited a moment, still and quiet, to see if either of them were going to say or do anything, but... they didn’t. That was… not really a clear good or bad sign, but at least they weren’t yelling at him. Besides he was way to mentally exhausted for another attack. 

“You didn’t need anything else, did you? Oh, we didn’t pick up any school supplies!” Virgil said after a few minutes, breaking the silence. Janus’ stomach twisted at the idea of having to be out any longer. “Ah, Maybe we'll wait until Sunday to make the treacherous trip outside again, hm? We can take Roman with us and maybe go out for lunch.” Virgil said, voice surprisingly gentle, “I wouldn’t want to push you too far, seems like you’re very much for today.”

Janus looked up in surprise, even more caught off guard when he was met with a gentle smile from the man. Maybe he was showing his exhaustion more than he thought he was. “Uhm. Okay.” He muttered, turning to look outside the window as the street blurred by, unable to keep any form of eye contact at that point. Was it raining or were they just going really fast? Not even looking at someone's face was doable in that state. Why was he always so exhausted ? It was…. exhausting. Funnily enough. 

At least they were done for today. Until tomorrow. He breathed out, gripping the seat belt tight and watching the blur in the car window pass him by. 

Chapter Text

Janus groaned at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. He looked like a wreck. He pulled at the skin around his eye and sighed, despite the lack of tears he had to cry, his eyes were definitely red. Plus puffy. And overall just looked like he’d been crying into his pillow all night. Fantastic, just what he wanted. Plus, unfair, he only cried into the pillow for like two minutes. As if his face wasn't enough of a sight already.

He turned on the tap to quickly splash some cold water on his face, that was supposed to help, right? Definitely looking like a hot mess. Unsurprisingly enough, considering how his night had been. 

Yesterday afternoon after they’d come back home, they’d put all of the new stuff they bought in his room, setting it all up while the new sheets were in the wash. He’d mostly watched awkwardly from the doorway, it’s not like he was doing nothing , but… okay, well, he was holding the sketchbook they gave him so they wouldn’t look inside when putting stuff on the desk. Still. At least they gave him the little figurines. 

After the sheets were clean and dry they put them on too, leaving him in, once again, a completely new feeling room. Sure, it was just a splash of colour and some decorations, but considering he hadn’t even gotten used to being in this house yet, it felt like a whole new shift in his surroundings all over again. 

It was… nice of them to buy all that for him, and to put the effort into making his room look… comfy, and cozy. But… it still felt just as off as it had before. Maybe he just… needed time to get used to it. To be fair, he was pretty sure the only reason they bothered was because of how long they were stuck with him. He didn’t remember how long exactly but since they agreed to take him right after his attempt, they had to keep him for at least like three months, maybe it was even something like six months. 

He could not think of a single reason why anyone would ever agree to that. That was just stupid. He still kind of thought they were paying them extra to deal with him. 

The new feeling of a room he was barely used to yet most certainly led to a restless night of tossing and turning, fueled by the anxious and intrusive thoughts he couldn’t keep at bay. During the day it was easier to keep himself distracted, and keep his thoughts a little quieter. Well, by that, he more meant he would find something to distract himself, have that not work, and then wait until his mind wandered far enough that it found something that actually distracted him. But still.

However, during the night time, he had nothing to serve as a distraction. Leading to the thoughts swarming his head no matter how much he tried to just ignore them. Which… as embarrassing as it was to admit, eventually led to muffled crying into his pillow when it got too much. It wasn’t that the environment was so distressing he burst out into tears, but the more the thoughts came so did the horrible buzzing energy surging through him and that got overwhelming fast.

He didn’t want to cry, but it wasn’t like he could properly cry anyways. It was mostly him heavily breathing as the few tears his eyes to give leaked out, but then he started rubbing at them as they stung and ultimately caused redness and puffing. 

Anyways, his fun night aside, he now had the problem of making it look like he hadn’t just suffered for the past 9-ish hours. The water didn’t do shit except make his face cold, so his best shot was simply to push his hair around till it mostly covered his eyes. Or at least enough that no one would notice unless they properly looked. Which, first thing in the morning, he doubted would be the case. 

It wasn’t like he was known for having his hair a certain way either, so it would be fine, right? He didn’t have time to mull it over as he heard a knock on the door accompanied by a tired morning groan not unlike his own, “Open up, I need to pee. ” It was obviously Roman’s voice from outside the door, and for a moment, Janus was tempted to just refuse to let him in. But he decided against it, starting a foster sibling war at eight in the morning wasn’t worth it for one funny moment. He knew fully well how vengeful foster siblings could be. 

He pulled the door open and quickly slid past before Roman could push him out of the way and made a beeline down the stairs. He’d woken up hungry, which wasn’t unusual for him, even if he’d spent most of his life going without any food in the mornings. But after being here for a week he was starting to trust that they’d feed him every morning. And not just soggy cereal, too. Or bone dry cereal. Decent, actually good tasting food, surprisingly enough.

A lot of things about these guys were completely new as far as foster parents were concerned, but this was one of the things that was much less confusing and headache inducing as the others. Because this was just the miracle of getting handed hot tasty food in the mornings. 

A nice change from chugging water in an attempt to get his stomach to stop cramping so much that he just wanted to lay on the floor until someone trampled him to death. Although he was still exhausted, and sort of still wanted to be trampled to death to put him out of his misery, the food was good, too. 

“Good morning, bed head. You hungry?” Virgil said as he walked through the kitchen door, smirking at him. Bed head was a good cover, at least, he could go with that. “Har har.” He rolled his eyes, it smelt like Virgil was making something sweet, “Always, my body has only consumed enough food in the past sixteen years as it should have in eight years.” He murmured with a yawn as he sat down. 

Logan looked up at him from the other side of the table, “That would be the equivalent of spending half of your life with no food. That would most certainly cause you to die of starvation.” Janus shrugged at him as Logan got up to grab coffee, “Not if it’s split between sixteen years, if you keep feeding your body even only half as much as it needs, you’ll still live, you’ll just become a miserable sack and have no energy to do anything. My ribs are more visible than the sun in the sky.” He said blithely, although he was unable to keep the hint of bitterness out of his voice. 

Two pairs of eyes immediately turned to him, wide and concerned. He blinked. What did he say? “I know you’re exaggerating, my concern is with how much you are . ” Virgil said with a furrowed brow as he placed down a plate of pancakes on the table. Although Janus’ attention was quickly taken from Virgil’s words and given to the plate of fluffy looking pancakes. They looked good. He hadn’t had pancakes in ages. And good looking ones like this? Probably never.

How many was he allowed to have? He already knew he’d only take one out of pure anxiety, but his mouth wanted like, four. “Not as much as you think, you can definitely see them clearly.” He muttered a response, still more focused on yummy pancakes. Maybe he could get away with two. 

“Well, in that case,” Virgil stepped forward and grabbed his fork, serving three pancakes onto his plate before handing him the fork back, “Here ya go. I’ll definitely keep that in mind from now on.” He said, murmuring the last part to himself. Janus was almost so distracted by pancakes he didn’t even hear it, but some part of his brain managed to catch the words and he paused for a second. Was that… a bad thing? 

...Eh, whatever. His overthinking nightmare of a brain could worry about that later. Right now, pancakes. And he got three , that was most of the ones Virgil had already made, but he could see more batter on the counter top. So he didn’t feel guilty digging into them. And shit were they good. 

Roman came into the kitchen, gasping at the sight of pancakes. Logan decided right then was the time to take the last two from the plate, acting as if he hadn’t even noticed Roman come in. Roman gasped once more, this time in dramatic offense instead of his original excitement, “How dare you!” He exclaimed. Logan looked up from his plate, “Hm? Did I do something?” 

Janus internally snorted, Roman’s face was priceless. “Calm down Ro, I'm making more. Here, they’re almost done. Just grab a drink and sit down, okay?” Roman still huffed about the injustice, but did as Virgil said and grabbed a cup of orange juice before sitting down next to Janus.

“And there you go. See, no need for the dramatics, your royal highness.” Virgil teased as he handed Roman a plate of fresh pancakes. Roman tried to look annoyed but clearly couldn’t hold back his grin. He immediately reached for the bottle of syrup and drowned his pancakes in it. 

“So, we were thinking we could all go out together today. We need some stuff we didn’t manage to get yesterday for Janus, and also, since we’ve all been busy all week long, it’ll be nice to spend some time together.” Virgil said as he sat down with the last few pancakes. He seemed to always be the one who made breakfast, although maybe that’s just because he enjoyed cooking more. He’d still seen Logan cook at evening time but never in the morning, for some reason. Not that it was anything to overthink, maybe he was just no good at making breakfast food.

“Sure, if that means we get to go out for lunch.” Roman shrugged, shoving pancake into his mouth. Logan sighed, “Cut the pancake up, Roman. And yes, we most likely will, but will not be taking you to mcdonalds. Or any other fast food place.” 

“ Boooo! ” Roman said as he aggressively cut up a piece of pancake before shoving it into his mouth once more, “What’s even the point then?” He said with a muffled voice, since, you know, his mouth was full of pancake. 

“Swallow before you speak, Roman. And as Virgil said, the point is to spend time together. Along with getting what we need. That is important, isn’t it?” Logan said, giving Roman a pointed look. Roman rolled his eyes, “I don’t know, is it?” 

Virgil sighed, “Actually, yes. Before we all went together for the first time you barely spoke to me and Logan. It’s important to spend time together in a casual, stress free environment. Meal times are good for conversations but the conversation is always expected of you, instead of when we’re just out and about doing things when it can come more casually.” He said matter-of-factly. 

Roman glared at him, but after a minute of a useless staring contest in which only he was participating in, he gave up and rolled his eyes once more, “ Fineeeee. ” Janus had repeatedly seen Roman push them and talk back all week long and had no idea how on earth he hadn’t gotten slapped for it yet. It was like watching an endless clock attached to a bomb tick down and down, but never hit zero and actually explode. Forever tense and waiting for the other shoe to finally drop. Janus was pretty sure he was at least ten times more anxious about Roman getting hurt than Roman was.

Janus wasn’t really into the whole sacrificing himself for others or trying to protect others thing, but it always gave him this weird, unpleasant feeling when he saw another foster kid get punished. Not to mention the fear of getting any left over anger taken out on himself. Hence the constant feeling of tension everytime he witnessed an interaction between Roman and Virgil and Logan.

But Roman simply had no regard for himself, let alone for Janus. He’d risked endlessly talking back, giving them attitude, insulting them, it all. Even if it was all lighthearted in nature, it was still all of the things foster parents usually hated and would absolutely make them go off on one. 

God knows how he’d managed two years here. He didn’t know much about Roman, nothing about why he was in the system in the first place or how long he’d been in it, but Janus had been in it long enough himself to know lasting two years in one foster home was an achievement. So why the hell did Roman keep pushing?

He was lost on it. But the most important thing was that the clock never actually hit zero. As long as they never pushed over the line (wherever the hell that was), it’d be fine, right?

--

He had thought shopping with Logan and Virgil was difficult, if only he’d known that was a breeze compared to shopping with Roman. While Janus certainly wouldn’t say he and Roman were opposites, he was sure if they started talking about their foster system history they’d find an unsettling amount in common, one thing was very clearly opposite about them. Roman was highly extroverted, he only seemed to go up in energy as the day went on, whereas Janus was most certainly an introvert who’s battery was draining by the second. 

Which was a little strange considering Janus would definitely say both Virgil and Logan were introverts. Maybe they were more sort of ambiverts? Whatever it was, at least they were managing to keep up with Roman’s consistent flow of whatever magical extrovert energy was keeping him this hyperactive on a boring trip out for stationary. He was starting to give Janus a headache, by the end of the day he was sure he’d just have Roman’s voice rattling around his head. 

They went to a little store which Janus had never heard of before, presumably a one-off just here in this town. It was a nice place, full of soft colours and pretty decorations, although he wondered why they’d come here instead of some bigger chain. But maybe they just happened to not have a bigger stationary store around here. He really had no idea about this area, since he was going to be living here for months, he probably needed to get to know the place. 

But not much he could do about it unless they took him places, they weren’t going to let him out the house to randomly roam around with his record. He knew as a general rule they weren’t against it, they’d let Roman go out last weekend with his friend. But one, Janus didn’t have friends, and two, even if he did, he doubted they’d let him out still. Even with a friend he could easily still ditch them and run off and find some way to hurt himself or whatever they thought he’d do. He didn’t mind too much, he wasn’t really the type who enjoyed exploring new surroundings when those surroundings were just another generic town. 

Anyways, the shop was specifically for stationary alone so the place was full of all different kinds and ranges of pencils, pens, erasers, etc. Some of them for properly doing art and stuff, some of them just with fun colours or patterns. He was definitely tempted to grab pretty pencils and pens with sunflowers and such on them or the nice set of yellow to orange gradient erasers, but that was just… unnecessary. They were most certainly more expensive than the pack of plain pencils you find already in the school, and they’d wasted a lot of money on him yesterday as it was. 

“Uhm, here's some pencils. I mostly need these, a plain eraser and maybe a ruler. They have pretty much everything else already. You just have to actually ask for and search until you actually find it.” He muttered, grabbing a pack of ten pencils. 

“Aw come on, that’s boring . All of my stuff is Disney, as I'm sure you’ve noticed from using it! The ones I gave you are a couple years old, though. Still, much more fun than plain . Besides, those look exactly like the school’s ones, people will just steal them from you.” Roman said, looking over at him from messing around with the keychains they had by the counter. He was probably looking for a Disney themed one but Janus was pretty sure there were no branded things in this store. 

“Roman has a point, bud. I get your trying to keep spending to a minimum and that’s sweet, but honestly we don’t mind. We brought you here ‘cause the stuff is fun and not plain. As Roman said, you want something that people can’t just mistake for school property.” Virgil said, walking over to him, “Anything happen to catch your eye? They have quite a few yellow ones, of anything you could need, really. Let’s just grab a few pencils, pens, etc. Okay?” He said with a small smile.

“Okay.” Janus murmured in response. He was surprised Virgil even remembered he liked yellow. A part of him wanted to be annoyed at Roman for talking so loud everyone in the store could hear, but another part of him had known that they probably would want him to get less generic things anyways. So he sighed and gave in, still scanning prices as he picked up a couple things, even though they told him money didn’t matter, it was just sort of out of habit. He liked one of the more fancy pens with snakes twisting around the handle, but it was definitely way too much for a pen.

Even though he left the cool looking pen, they still got him more than just the three items he said he really needed, which made him start to grow anxious again. Why? Really, he couldn’t tell you. He hadn’t got a clue what about it was making him so nervous. He just… felt like all this money spending was so unnecessary , as if was going to come back to bite him. It wasn’t like in any other foster home he had that they ever gave him, you know, anything. They would never buy him new things unless it was literally bare essentials, and even then he’d had times where they’d put it off as long as possible or even refuse certain things. Like, you know, food so he wouldn’t starve . 

Maybe it was just the shock, it was so different than how he was used to it being. It was almost a full 180 on… everything. But this especially. Sure, at times in the past he’d had people pissed off at him because he dared to have human needs and force them to spend money on him. But he’d been pretty good at scraping by with the bare essentials and never having to spend extra money before. So having people be mad at him for that wasn’t really an issue. 

Again, maybe it was just because he was so used to scraping by. And now he… didn’t have to. Even though in the past he’d feared ever having to ask for things that cost money he’d managed to get by without encountering what the punishment for that would be. So perhaps it was just anticipation. He always knew in past homes that if he needed something he had to pay for it and if it came down to the adults to ever have to, they would have gotten pissed off at him. So now adults actually were spending money on him, he felt like he was going to get punished for it? 

And he’d never figured out what kind of punishment it’d be, how angry they’d be, so in his mind, he’d made a mistake and was treading on the slowly cracking ice before plummeting into the freezing water of an unknown fit of rage. What if it was just a trick? They’d say he could get things but never explain how much that meant he owed them? Did he owe them? Of course you do, idiot! Shit, how much? Psychical money? Something… else? Fuck. 

What if they were building up an excuse? Building it up so when it eventually came to one of them (or god forbid both of them at once) finally got mad at him and lost it, they’d have their excuse. They were so nice to him, they bought him things and fed him and they were so so fucking nice all the time, he deserves it, he must have deserved it, he was such a piece of shit even the nice ones turned against him, how fucked up is that? he’s such a fucking wreck, why couldn’t he have just died, he’s nothing but a MISTAKE--

His breath hitched, it always came back to that word. His hand flew up to cover the top of his left arm, as if it wasn’t already covered by a hoodie, along with a t-shirt underneath. He squeezed his arm tight, an attempt to ground himself, maybe? A reminder of it? The voice screaming in his head had been reminder enough. He could feel another overwhelming wave build up  and it was about to crash into him, god, if he started crying in the middle of a store, he’d---

“Janus?” The store was so quiet that Logan’s voice sounded far louder than it should have, it was such a shock Janus jumped as if he’d heard a gunshot or something. But as soon as he could focus on the present again, his first instinct was to act like he was fine, he’d just space out was all, he was perfectly alright. He didn’t need them seeing him breakdown again. He breathed in and out as slowly as he could without it seeming suspicious, although he was sure it wasn’t working.

“Janus, are you alright?” Logan asked, a concerned tone in his voice. Ugh, that concern, Janus hated it. He nodded, “I’m fine.” His voice came out surprisingly calm, he was impressed. Roman raised an eyebrow at him, giving him an apprehensive look, “Why are you holding your arm?” He asked. He definitely wasn’t buying the ‘i’m fine’ thing, although Logan looked like he wasn’t either.

“Uhm. I don’t know.” He said quietly as he put his arm down, “Are we done here…?” He asked, looking up at Logan. Logan gave a slow nod, “Ah, yes…” He seemed to then catch up, as if he’d been only half listening before or was lost in his head or something, “Yes, we are. Virgil is at the counter paying right now, and then we can leave.” He said, still giving a painfully concerned look.

Janus let out a slow breath, “Okay.” He was by no means feeling better, but he put on a front in hopes no one would be able to tell as they continued on. Logan kept giving him odd looks he couldn’t figure out what meant, and although Roman was quickly back to his regularly scheduled talking about himself, even he threw Janus a few glances. Only Virgil was acting like nothing happened, but only because he hadn’t actually been there to witness it. Although Janus had no doubt Logan would probably tell him later. So he could look forward to more weird concerned faces he didn’t understand. 

Still, even if he was feeling a little… out of it, he tried to appreciate it for what it was. Foster parents never usually bothered with this sort of thing, they bought him both new things and they also went out for lunch. Even if he struggled to actually eat anything. Thank god they didn’t question him when he ordered the smallest thing he could find that wasn’t literally the kids menu. 

The lunch itself was an ordeal to get through, though. Since they were all sat around a table together, he couldn’t just use his same tactic of trailing behind them and putting up an act of being fine when they glanced back to check on him. He tried his best to look like he was paying attention, throwing in a few sarcastic comments at Roman or rolling his eyes, trying to play off like he was just acting like he normally would with Roman at breakfast or something. He hoped it was working, because god, his head hurt just as bad as he’d predicted it would. And he kind of wanted to take a nap on the table. 

“You're sure you’re not more hungry, Janus? That’s a small portion as it is and you haven’t finished it.” Virgil asked, tilting his head slightly. Janus felt guilty for it, but his stomach was very clear about not eating any more. And he wasn’t about to risk blowing chunks in the middle of a restaurant. He nodded, “Yeah, just not feeling very hungry right now. Sorry.” He said quietly.

“No need to apologize, bud, just wanted to make sure. I’m guessing that means you don’t want any dessert? I know for a fact we’re not going to get out of here without at least one for Roman.” Virgil said, chuckling lightly. Roman grabbed the dessert menu and grinned, “You’re damn right we ain’t! But I'm kinda full myself, we can just get one and share maybe?” Roman suggested.

“That sounds like a good idea. What would you prefer?” Logan said, asking his question out loud to the table. They got a dessert, a hot brownie with ice cream, and Janus focused on not throwing up at the sugary smell while the other three ate. 

The entire rest of the day went by with a blur, every so often he’d start suddenly blinking and realise they were in a completely different place than before, and he’d just been following them around subconsciously and actually not picking up on where they were actually going. His stomach was really starting to hurt, a mix of sickness and twists, and his head pounded everytime they passed a crowd of people. 

Honestly at that point he was grateful for Roman’s showboating, since the attention was taken off of him. He threw in words into conversations when he could but spent most of his energy focusing on looking like he was listening and not either throwing up or passing out in the middle of the street. He was also trying not to just stare directly down, since he knew if he did that it would look much more obvious something was off. 

Eventually they were done, he wasn’t sure what they did after lunch honestly, they hadn’t mentioned doing anything else. It had all been such a blur though, he hadn’t a clue where they’d been. He was relieved beyond belief when they got back to the car to go home. His head was pounding out of his skull and his brain was mush and overall he felt like shit. He was definitely going to just lay down for a good two hours, if they let him.

“Janus, are you sure you’re doing alright? I must say you’ve seemed rather off since we left the stationary store.” Logan asked suddenly before they started moving. (well, it seemed sudden to Janus, he hadn’t picked up on any words they’d been saying for the past twenty minutes.) Janus internally cursed, he thought he’d been doing better at hiding it. Well, at least to the point they shouldn’t care, they hadn’t asked him so far, he was assuming they either didn’t notice or just didn’t bother. Obviously he wasn’t perfectly pulling it off ,but he should have been playing it off enough for them to justify ignoring it, surely? Why bother caring, as long as he wasn’t vomiting or literally passing out? Even if he did throw up he’d expect them to be more annoyed than anything. Especially if it got on them or their stuff, or god forbid he accidentally threw up in the car. 

“I’m alright. I’m just tired.” He said, his voice came out sounding more weak and soft than he’d like it too, but it couldn’t be helped. It was an age old excuse, but his brain was far too frazzled to think of a better one. Virgil furrowed his brow, “Logan’s right, you have been acting a little off. If you’re tired, maybe you should lay down for a while when we get home. You can go lay down in your room and rest, maybe close the curtains if your head hurts, until dinner, yeah?” 

Janus sighed, grateful they’d let him go rest for a while, “Yeah, that sounds nice. Thanks.” He muttered, closing his eyes as the car started to move. 

His vision blurred as the car ride went on, he couldn’t keep his eyes closed the entire time or they’d think he’d fallen asleep. Besides, Roman was talking too loud for that anyways, although as time went on, his hearing started to become muffled, the conversation around him faded in background noise. Eventually it simply bled into a horrible beeping in his ear. He knew his eyes were open but the world was such a blur he considered just closing them again, he was aware of everything around him still yet it felt so far from his reach.

And suddenly his head got so loud , when did it get so goddamn loud? The beeping was excruciating at that point, and any noise from the world around him was completely gone, replaced by only the painfully loud beeps and static along with the voices from memories, both in their original form and twisted versions to make them all the worse. 

Why did the voices in his head always scream at him? Whether it was his own berating him for being such a fool or a memory of someone from the past beating him down, they were always mad. The sheer volume of something he knew only he could here hurt , it was too loud, shut up. SHUT UP.

FUCKING SHUT UP!

It was too much.

Suddenly a muffled voice was speaking to him, an actual person, not a memory in his head. 

He tried so hard to listen to it, to hear it, god please he just wanted anything to help him escape the prison inside his mind. He didn’t care who it was or what they wanted, he just wanted to be out.

“Janus? Janus please if you can hear me, say or do something.” The breakthrough of a voice made him gasp and jerk away. And that was definitely not a good move with how he felt. Before he knew it he was moving on instinct, more of a flailing that anything, the blood rushing through him, where even was he, he couldn’t fucking remember. Through blurred vision he could see figures around him, and he froze. 

The ringing in his ear was suddenly back up at an unbearable volume and anything he’d eaten that day, possibly the day before too, made its way up and went everywhere. He heaved and vomited again and again until he was completely empty and his head felt lighter than a feather, before his vision blackened and he dropped.

Chapter Text

When Janus woke up again, his head was pounding just as bad as before, if not worse. Although he had no idea how that was even possible. It felt like someone was taking a hammer straight to his brain. It hurt like a bitch, and he was more tempted to roll over and close his eyes again (possibly forever) than he’d ever been before. 

Well, maybe not more than ever before, when he woke up in the hospital when he was supposed to be dead … Well, let’s just say that whole ordeal is an entire story by itself.

He groaned, what the hell even happened? He didn’t remember going to sleep, it definitely wasn’t morning, the sun was just starting to set. His memories were so blurred and all he could remember was his head pounding, voices screaming at him and then… well, from the taste he had in mouth, he could only assume he’d vomited.

He winced, his mouth was dry and disgusting. Relief washed over him when he saw a glass of water on the bedside table, immediately making a grab for it. Anything to get that taste out of his mouth. As he sat up he glanced at the clock. 5pm-ish. Well, shit. How did he manage that? 

From what he remembered, they were coming back home in the car from going out shopping, and... then something... happened? He'd started feeling horrible, he knew that, including the stomach ache.

Oh god, he hadn’t thrown up in the car, had he? If he did, he was screwed . That car wasn’t exactly some old busted up cheap piece of crap, it was an actually decent, probably expensive car. If he’d made a mess like that, god knows what they’d do to him. Vomit wasn’t exactly easy to clean up. Even if you could get it out visually, the smell never left. He basically would have ruined their car. 

He couldn’t remember what had happened, not in detail anyways. It was just a blur of flash memories. So there was no way to tell what kind of damage he’d done. Even if he didn’t throw up in the car, getting any on the outside or on them would also end badly for him. Even if it was just the pavement he would probably still get in trouble for making a mess or a scene in front of the neighbours or something. 

Fuck. Well, he had a good run. Sort of. Actually he’d had about three anxiety or panic attacks in a week, so maybe not. Okay so maybe it was a terrible run. These poor bastards were probably dying to get rid of him.

Wait, they couldn’t just cut him off, they had to keep him for a certain amount of time, right? It was part of the whole agreement with taking a kid straight after an attempt like that, along with, you know, locking all your knives away. Fuck, that meant… he’d be stuck with them while they hated his guts for months. Well, more like they’d be stuck with him. Even if he’d messed up so bad they decided to just use him as an anger outlet, even that’d get boring eventually. Plus covering it up would be harder with the two-weekly meeting with his social worker, plus doctors and shit. He’d rather they just got rid of him, and he was sure they’d rather just get rid of him too. Stupid rules.

He sighed, how much trouble would he be in for just hiding under the blankets and never coming out? They took precautions to make sure he couldn’t suffocate but surely if he stayed under there long enough he’d run out of air. Wait, actually… when did he get here …? He was in his room, he’d already picked up on that obviously, but that meant… one of them must have carried him up here. Jesus christ . Thank god he hadn’t thrown up on himself otherwise they probably wouldn’t have wanted to touch him even to drag him inside, let alone carry him all the way upstairs. Plus they put a blanket over him, and got him a glass of water, too. He was dumbfounded on why they’d be so nice. … Maybe… they weren’t too mad? 

He hoped. He really fuckin’ hoped. Don’t get your hopes up, idiot.

He pulled the blanket around himself as he sat up, swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. Maybe he should just go downstairs and get it over with. Whatever the punishment was there was no point in avoiding it. He sighed, squeezing his eyes closed in hope his headache would calm down, even just a little. 

...No such luck. Oh boy, getting yelled at was going to be fun. 

He was bummed about having to leave the blanket, too. It was warm and he was instantly freezing as soon as he took it off, but oh well. He couldn’t really carry it around like some sort of blanket gremlin, as much as that was a tempting idea. He folded it up and placed it at the end of the bed. 

The knowledge that the hallway was right outside his bedroom door had never been so daunting. He took in a deep breath and slowly let it out, standing in front of the door as his hand hovered over the handle. And then a few more breaths for good measure. In and out. He just needed to go. Better to get it over and done with, right?

He pulled the door open slowly, tensely waiting for a creak that, luckily, never came. He scanned the hallway, empty. And… surprisingly quiet. He stepped out and glanced over at Roman’s door, shut. Usually he could hear Roman moving around or singing or talking to himself, (Janus talked to himself too, but he’d trained himself into doing in his head by now) but it was completely silent. Odd.

He slowly and quietly stepped over to the door to see if he could hear anything, but… nope. That was… odd. Maybe Roman was downstairs instead, it seemed out of place for him to be utterly silent. Janus shook his head to clear his thoughts, he needed to focus on preparing  himself for what was about to happen. If he didn’t at least try to mentally prepare himself, he was just going to wind up having another attack. And he was not looking to have another one of those, thank you very much.

He wasn’t sure he even had the energy to have one at that point, even if they straight up pulled a weapon on him or something. He’d probably just pathetically crumple to the floor.  To be fair, they’d locked anything that could be used as a weapon away, so he was probably safe on that front. 

He went embarrassingly slow down the stairs, still determined to make absolutely no noise, as if that was going to help him. He was literally handing himself over anyway. It was utterly useless but, as per usual, that wasn't going to stop his brain. Even if he tried to hide from it, he had no place to hide. The only place he could think of would be in the closet or something, and he wouldn’t be able to convince himself to get in there anyways. Dark and tight spaces are a no. And even if he could, they would easily find him. And then he’d be in more trouble for hiding. 

He stopped halfway down the stairs as voices suddenly registered in his ears, and he froze. It was coming from… the kitchen, maybe? He paused to listen for a moment. He knew he probably shouldn’t eavesdrop but… he couldn’t help himself.

He heard Virgil’s voice speak up, although clearly a conversation meant for just him and Logan, Janus had cat-like hearing and could hear them clearly. “I don’t know, is it too soon? It took us a long time to convince Roman.” Janus furrowed his brows in confusion, huh? He was obviously hearing only half of the conversation, he wished he picked up on it earlier so he knew what they were talking about. Were they talking about him ? After what he’d done it wouldn’t surprise him.

“I understand your worries, my love, but we both saw what happened. The rest of the week had already been proof enough he needs it, but today was the final straw.” Logan’s voice was a mix of concerned and stern but his brain really only registered the stern part. What ? What were they talking about? They were definitely talking about him. And it sounded bad. Really really bad .

“He’s going to refuse, though. I know he will. What do we do then?” Janus swallowed, what did they want him to do? Shit shit shit shit. He heard a sigh and what sounded like footsteps and almost scrambled back up the stairs before he realised no one was coming towards him. He let out a shaky breath. 

“I don’t want to force him, but pushing may be needed. The first few sessions most likely won’t do much for him anyways, since he’ll probably refuse to talk. But that’s to be expected, and no matter how long we wait that would still be the case. The sooner we start the sooner it’ll start to help him.” 

He was utterly confused, but more importantly, terrified about what on earth they were talking about. What did they want him to do? The use of the word ‘force’ and them being so sure he’d hate it was fueling his anxiety with countless thoughts he’d rather not think about. 

“We’ll start looking, and in a few weeks we’ll hopefully have found someone we can talk to and see? That might be a bit ambitious. A week is a bit extreme, I agree. We both know he needs it, heck we were told directly we should, but pushing it on him right off the bat before he’s even fully settled here is a bad idea.” 

Whatever it was, it didn’t sound good, at all. Were they discussing some kind of elaborate punishment for what he did? At least it sounded like Virgil was somewhat against it… but he’d still agreed. Janus could say and act like he was pissed off about that all he wanted, but deep down he knew that the Virgil he’d seen, who was patient and kind, didn’t deserve to have to put up with him. Even with his patience and kindness he’d still get sick of Janus’ bullshit. They all did.

“Agreed. Although as you said, finding someone new may prove to be rather difficult. Maybe we should try him with Roman’s first? They may get along.” Roman’s what? It almost sounded like they were talking about a person. He didn’t like the sound of that either, but it brought up more confused questions than dread and fear. “Dr. Picani’s style might not be a fit for him, however.” 

Oh, shit, they were talking about a doctor? What the fuck for? Now that he knew they were talking about a person, even more he knew they were talking about a doctor, a million new twisted thoughts filled his mind. He tried to push them down, telling himself they were unrealistic, overdramatic, god they didn’t even make logical sense! But, like usual , that didn’t magically make them go away. If only.

Did they mean a medical doctor or a psychological doctor? Second option seemed more likely. Sure, he had his… injuries from… you know, that a medical doctor would be the one to look at. But from the way they were talking about it that just didn’t seem likely. Although he was sort of still hoping they wouldn’t make him see that kind of doctor either, even if realistically he knew someone needed to check the wounds every few weeks.

But this time around they were talking about something else. Wait, fuck, had he freaked out so badly and so many times they gave up and wanted to send him to a psych ward? No, no no, that didn’t make sense, right? They’d mentioned Roman after all, it was… Roman’s doctor? And, well, Roman certainly didn’t come off like he’d ever been thrown into a psych ward before. Suppose you never know, he’d never asked about Roman’s past history. But… surely it wasn’t that, right? Hopefully it wasn’t that.

“Okay. I’m going to go check to see if he’s awake and if he’s okay. And check on Roman, too. He’s been in his room since we got home and I haven't heard a peep from him, I'm starting to get worried about him. That kid’s never silent.” That was definitely his que to move move move. He went as quickly as he could while still being quiet to get back to his room. Thank god for his years of practice being silent.  

He only just managed to get his door shut before he heard footsteps coming up the stairs. He stood completely rigid and still in the middle of the room until he heard a knock on his door. “Janus? Are you awake?” It was so gentle and quiet, like if there was a chance Janus wasn’t awake yet, Virgil wouldn’t want to wake him up by being too loud. 

The consideration of it completely caught him off guard. 

“Uhm, yeah, i’m awake.” He muttered, standing awkwardly on the spot as the door pushed open. Virgil offered him a small smile, “Hey ya bud, how you feelin’?” Janus narrowed his eyes, scanning Virgil’s face for signs of mockery or patronizing. He was usually pretty good with knowing sarcastic or mocking tones, (although he struggled with some others he’d never seemed to be able to quite get) but he found nothing in the voice alone. And… nothing on his face either. He looked… genuine, and…. sincere?

Huh ? He was so lost. As per usual. And god damn if he wasn’t tired of it. He didn’t understand . Was he in trouble or not? Was Virgil just going easy on him? Surely he was in some type of trouble for all that! Why did they keep being so nice!?

“Uhm… i mean, my head hurts like hell, but that’s to be expected.” He said quietly, not really sure how to navigate whatever situation this was. “Hmm, i can grab you some painkillers. Honestly it completely slipped my mind to ask you if the doctors at the hospital prescribed you with any before you left for, uhm, your arms.” Virgil said, a little awkward towards the end of his sentence as he stepped into the room fully.

Janus shrugged, “Nope, don’t think so. I think they’d give them to you directly instead of telling me about it though, don’t you think? I’m not really supposed to have access to any kind of pills I can chug like it’s apple juice. Maybe they were supposed to give you some, I don't know.” He crossed his arms across his chest and looked down at the floor, he was definitely avoiding eye contact after letting that one slip. Oopsies. “Either way it’s fine. It doesn’t hurt that bad, and besides, I didn't like the stuff they gave me in the hospital anyways. It always made me all weird and drowsy.” He murmured.

Virgil’s face grew concerned (why was he always looking concerned ?) “Drowsy? It must have been fairly strong… are you sure you’re alright without anything? That's very sudden. You haven’t got any withdrawal problems, right?” Janus shrugged again, “It’s fine, it didn’t affect me. Something for my head right now would be great though.”

“Right, yeah. I’ll go get some. We should probably get an appointment with a doctor soon, though. Not only for that, but also a professional does need to look at the wounds to make sure they’re healing properly.” Virgil nodded, leaving before Janus could protest. That would be embarrassing. He’d been embarrassed, on top of being extremely pissed off he wasn’t dead, pretty much the entire time he was in hospital.

Since someone always had to be watching him to make sure he didn’t, you know, try to off himself again . And the person who watched him the most (he couldn’t quite remember her name, honestly. Lily or something) would freak out every time he so much as rolled over. Damn hospital beds aren’t comfy, what did she expect? It pissed him off, honestly. The slightest shuffle or groan would set that girl off. She was newer at the job, clearly, and most likely just trying to make sure he was safe, but she was way over doing it. 

Although to be fair to her, she was one of the people there right when he first woke up, and after that situation… he really couldn’t blame her.

But nonetheless, back to the present. Was… he just supposed to wait here until Virgil came back? Was he supposed to follow? Virgil hadn’t closed the door, but he hadn’t exactly left it wide open either. He shifted awkwardly on the spot as he internally scrambled to figure out what he was meant to do. He hated it when he wasn’t given clear instructions, it just left him waffling about and panicking, trying not to do it wrong. 

Even if when people actually did clearly tell him what to do, he wanted to flip them off. The audacity of those bitches. He’s a walking contradiction, he knew that, he’d gotten used to it. 

He ended up sitting on the edge of his bed staring at the floor as he waited for Virgil to come back. Virgil gave him a smile when he came back into the room, placing two pills and the glass, now refilled to the top with water, on his desk.

“Here ya go. Let me know if they don’t help all that much, and we’ll talk to the doctor about it. I’ll call about an appointment later.” He said as he set them down. Janus nodded, “Okay.” he muttered, despite wanting to do anything but have to have his wounds poked and prodded at by some doctor. He’d had enough of that, thank you very much .

“Now, I'm guessing you’re not really hungry, and if your head hurts, you’re probably better off lying down in here and getting some more rest during dinner. But we can make a little something later so you don’t have to go hungry. Something light, ya know.” Virgil said and Janus cringed at the reminder. Virgil didn’t seem mad, in fact, he seemed the furthest from it. But that didn’t make sense.

“I’m…” He swallowed, “I’m sorry. About… earlier. Did I make a mess?” He asked, shoulders hunched and tense as he awaited an answer. Virgil paused for a moment (an excruciating moment) before speaking up, “Well… yes , but it was cleaned up easily enough. No damage done.” 

Janus sighed out in relief, thank god . The tension seeped from his shoulders, although he couldn’t help but feel like there was a ‘ but ’ coming, some kind of catch. But when he looked up, he saw Virgil giving him that concerned look again. He furrowed his brows, “What?” He asked, not understanding the need for the pity look. Virgil shook his head, “It’s nothing.” He said, but it sure didn’t seem like nothing.

Janus raised an eyebrow at him and he sighed, “It’s just… was that really what you were most worried about? Making a mess?” Virgil asked, still looking oddly concerned. Janus was starting to wonder if that was going to just be the default look he got from these parents. 

Janus blinked a few times, brows furrowing further in confusion, “Uhm… yes?” Wasn’t that obvious? “I can’t remember much, but I know it was probably highly messy and disgusting. Getting that on you or your car is not really something I want to face the consequences of.” He mumbled. 

“You-” Virgil suddenly seemed worked up, a mix of frustration and worry, but Janus only saw the anger. He was quick to move back in case Virgil suddenly exploded. Shit , Virgil was covering the only exit entirely , he was completely trapped. Idiot, how could he forget to make sure he had an exit? Well, crap. He was screwed.

But then Virgil took a step back himself and reeled himself in, breathing in sharply, “Sorry. Sorry. I’m not mad, I swear.” He said, putting his hands up to show, “I just… you weren’t responding, then you violently threw up, and then you blacked out. And you were more concerned about getting any mess, that you had no control of, on someone’s shoes? ” He asked in disbelief.

Janus didn’t understand why he found that such an out of ordinary concept. Wasn’t that obvious? Their things, clothes, their car, that stuff cost money. Him passing out didn’t cost a penny, unless they had to take him to the hospital, and what kind of idiot would do that? That was a total waste of money unless someone is literally bleeding out and in immediate need of help. (Although when someone had found him bleeding out, he wished they hadn’t taken him to a hospital.)

“Well, yeah?” He shrugged, “I mean, Virgil, are you forgetting where I came from before I was here? I wouldn’t exactly mind blacking out forever.” He snarked, not exactly the kind of statement most would be snarky about, but it slipped out nonetheless. He quickly snapped his mouth shut. Bad timing for that. He could still get slapped across the face any second if he wasn’t careful. 

Virgil sighed… sadly? Janus wasn’t sure. These people had a lot of expressions and emotions he wasn’t used to seeing. “I know. And… I wish you didn’t feel like that. But unfortunately you’re probably going to feel that way for a while.” Janus didn’t know how to respond to that. 

He decided to just brush it off, besides, he needed to take those painkillers anyways. Once he’d watched Virgil for a moment to make sure he was going to make any sudden movements or do anything rash, Janus went over to grab the pills and glass off the desk so he could take them. 

“I’m… going to go check on Roman.” Virgil spoke after a minute of awkward silence, “I’ll be back later, okay? And if your head settles and you feel like company, feel free to come downstairs.” He said, before leaving and closing the door quietly behind him. 

As soon as the door was closed, Janus let out a breath he didn’t even realise he’d been holding. So… he wasn’t in trouble after all. Huh. It was the first time he’d gotten away with something like that. It was both sort of exciting and dreadful at the same time. He couldn’t help but think that some other twisted kind of punishment would come up later. 

But, well, that was later-Janus’ problem. Now-Janus had permission to spend the next few hours doing nothing but lying in bed, and he wasn’t going to waste it. His old, cracked and damaged-beyond-hell phone didn’t work for much, but it could (usually) handle playing a bit of music. 

He’d noticed Logan giving an odd look when he saw the cracked piece of junk the other day, but didn’t think anything of it. He was probably going to tell Janus to just throw it out, which would be annoying, since it’s all he had. Even if it barely worked, he still wanted it on him just in case. Having no phone at all was going to be a pain. 

He’d listened out loud to something the other day, and Roman had complained he could hear it, so he gave Janus an old pair of his headphones to use. Janus was surprised he was so easily willing to give his stuff away, even if old and not in his use anymore. Usually in homes with siblings it’d be war and chaos. Constant fighting, stealing, throwing each other under the bus to save one's own skin, etc.

But, aside from being overly dramatic and chatty, Roman hadn’t done anything to him. Well, apart from a few insults. But insults were to be expected, how else are they supposed to have conversations? Insulting each other is clearly the way to go about communicating with each other. 

He grabbed the pair of headphones from his bedside table, along with his phone, pausing when he heard quiet words in Roman’s room next door. He couldn’t make any of the words out through the wall, but was kind of curious about what was going on. He’d always been a little nosy. Clearly he hadn’t been the only one who thought it was weird Roman had shut himself up in his room like that.

He eventually shrugged it off, it didn’t sound like anything that needed immediate attention was going on. But he left one earbud out, just in case. The songs he had were all pretty old. They'd given him the wifi password, so he could use youtube or spotify in theory, but… yeah no , the old piece of crap didn’t tend to stay connected long enough for that to happen. He had some illegally downloaded songs on the old thing that he still enjoyed listening to, however. Those… mostly played fine. 

He didn’t have much to do, he could sit and sketch maybe, he liked to do that sometimes. He was no artist but he was getting better. It was a nice idea, but… although it was stupid, Virgil had told him to lay down, not sit up. It was dumb, it was barely even a statement when Virgil said it, but… he groaned to himself. Stupid brain. He was still too on edge from the jumpscare earlier. 

He fell back onto the bed, clutching one of the pillows to his chest. They were still pretty soft and comfy to him, even without the fluff. Although to be fair, he’d been shocked at the softness of the toilet paper they had here. He grabbed the blanket too, since, as per usual, he was freezing. Might as well use the nice things before they inevitably got taken away. Whether that was for a punishment or because he’d tried to do harm to himself with them was yet to be seen.

He felt something against his leg and looked up to see what it was, but it was only that damn cat plush. He kept moving it to the end of the bed, but it kept moving around and finding its way back up. He still didn’t get it. He could only assume it had some sort of purpose (other than to patronize him) but he hadn’t quite figured that one out yet. Like seriously, why was it so heavy ? 

Whatever. He still needed to find something to do. Maybe instead of sketching, he could just give his mind a break and go somewhere else for a while. He'd made up a few different worlds in his mind over the years, anything to get away from the bullshit reality he lived in. He hadn’t visited them in a while. He felt a little foolish doing so, but… well, no one had to know, right? 

A couple hours somewhere else sounded nice.

Chapter Text

“What? What do you mean you don’t want me to go?”

It was barely eight in the morning, far too early for this kind of confusing bullshit. “What on earth have you been drinking?” He asked in disbelief, “It’s literally eight in the morning, I don't even know how you managed to drink anything .” He scoffed, although the scoff in his voice shook a little as he was still in utter bewilderment at the idea.

They had told him he didn’t need to go to school, because he was sick yesterday. But it wasn’t that tha t itself was really shocking to him, no one wants one kid making ten other kids sick. But it was that they didn’t want him too. They weren’t just keeping him home out of obligation, they wanted him to stay home.

What the fuck.

“I get that your guys’ whole thing is being weirdly nice and all, but don’t you have to deal with me enough at weekends? Why do you want me here another whole day? ” It didn’t add up. Nothing about these fucking weirdos added up. God, what were they? It was like they were robots made to be good parents, but there were a few bugs and glitches along the way, explaining stuff like, you know, the fully grown adult parent emo, and the walking dictionary. 

Okay, maybe he was being a little harsh on them. But they were the weirdest people he’d ever met. And that was saying something. 

“Well, for one, you were sick. That is the most basic reason for missing a day of school.” Logan said calmly, “Secondly-” Janus hadn’t quite meant to interrupt him, the words simply slipping out of his mouth as soon as they came to his mind, “I’m not sick sick though. I’m not contagious, it’s fine. I won’t get anyone else sick.” He argued. Not that he was sure why , it’s not like he was a big fan of school. He just… didn’t like the feel of their pity.

Logan nodded, “That is true. But, as I was about to say,” Janus winced at the reminder he’d interrupted him. Oops. He’d always been shit at having a filter. And boy had it got him into some deep shit before. “You also experienced some kind of breakdown and or dissociation, and whatever it may have been, it has left you in no state to go into an environment like school so soon. It’s not safe.” 

It’s not what? Oh god, they were doing this again. He tried not to get visibly pissed off, inhaling sharply as he tried to calm himself and remind himself that they were just trying to be nice and actually good parental figures (for once in his life). But it was so… so annoying. So damn frustrating. He hated being held back and having people treat him differently.

Yeah, sure, in hindsight, maybe if he didn’t want to be treated like a mentally unstable freak, he shouldn’t have, you know, tried to kill himself. But… still!

“Look, as I said, I get that this is your whole thing and all, but trust me, I'll be fine.” He said, waving off the concern, “They won’t even let me use pencil sharpeners , plus the teachers always check that I'm there, even though usually they don’t care about half the other students. If i'm ever like even a minute late they give me these stupidly intense looks.” He muttered.

“My point is, i’ll be fine. There’s not much I can do, anyways. Too supervised. And, I've checked, there's no way to get to the roof or anything anyway.” He shrugged. He checked the first chance he could, since obviously he had to make sure no one was around to see him. There was a door but it was very much locked. 

“Why were you checking?” Virgil asked, raising an eyebrow, although there was still a heavy air of concern in his voice. Janus gave him a pointed look, “You expected me not to? My brain hasn’t quite re-wired itself back to ‘normal’ yet, it still thinks we’re on time-to-die o’clock.” He mumbled tiredly. It was exhausting . But at least at this point he’d reached the point of mental exhaustion and stress he was just kind of just… numb and calm.

Not ideal, but it was better than the constant heavy beating of his heart as he struggled to breath and pulled at his hair till strands were starting to pull off as he wanted to scream and cry.

“But… you’re not?” Virgil asked cautiously. Janus sighed and shrugged, that was all he had for an answer, really. If he had the chance, easy and simple right in front of him, a gun and a single bullet... would he do it? 

… Well, the simple answer was... yeah. He still wasn’t up for living, nothing had changed there. But he was more… tired, now. Subdued. When he’d initially done it, he was… exhausted, still, but so full of… something he couldn’t quite describe. Almost like determination, but a sick and twisted kind. He had the energy, the drive , even in the horrible state he was in, the will to actually do it . No matter how long it took or what complicated path he had to take, in that time, he would have taken any way to be gone.

Now? ...He just didn’t have the drive for it like he did before. If he had to go through every painstaking part of the process again, he wasn’t sure he’d even make it through. It was just… so much. It wasn’t as simple as finding something deadly and bing-bang-boom, you’re dead. The mental weight of it was so, so goddamn heavy.

Too heavy to carry all the way through. He couldn’t. He’d only breakdown. Sob. Scream. Wish for death he couldn’t bring upon himself because he couldn’t bare to point a knife at himself anymore, the fear of the pain would be too overwhelming. He’d yell and grip himself so tightly his nails might dig deep enough to draw the lightest trickle of blood but it wouldn’t be the same. He knew that if he tried to do it now… he wouldn’t make it through. Too pathetic to even do the deed and off himself. 

As he said, if someone handed it right to him, he’d probably take it. If someone were holding a gun to his head or a knife at his throat he would feel no need to fight. Take the chance before he could think about it and be gone with bliss. But that wasn’t how it worked. Especially in a place like this, they were doing everything in their power to keep him from harming himself. The more they set up barriers to stop him, the more exhausting the idea became. 

He wasn’t sure what he’d do if someone handed a knife right to him. He knew his blood would spill but not the cost, not anymore. He could only handle so much of that burning, life threatening anguishing pain. 

He shivered.

He was brought out of his own head suddenly when Logan spoke up again, a bit of a rush that left him feeling slightly lightheaded, “And, besides, there is… something we need to discuss with you, and it will probably be a lengthy conversation. So, now we have all day to get through it.” Janus narrowed his eyes, a conversation about what…? His head flashed in pain as his panic steadily rose.

Could it be something to do with what he’d overheard them talking about before…? He swallowed.

“Well, sounds like you have a fun day ahead of you.” Roman said as he got up from the kitchen table, downing the last of the orange juice from the cup in his hand. Janus raised an eyebrow at him, forcing himself to act like he hadn’t just been having an intense internal monologue about suicide, “Yeah, because you’re going to have so much fun at school. ” He scoffed, impressively smooth considering. 

“Touché.” 

Virgil turned to Roman, “Are you sure you’re alright, Roman? I know yesterday you--” Roman cut him off swiftly, “I’m all good, popsicle. Come on, you know that. I have moments sometimes, we all do.” He shrugged, going over to put his bowl and cup into the sink, “I’m fine now, plus Patton wants to give me and Remus something at lunch today, it’s probably more friendship bracelets, but I'm not heartless, I have to be there to accept it. Even if I have five already.” He chuckled. 

Virgil sighed, “Alright. But text me if something happens while you’re at school.” He said firmly, leaving no room for argument. Roman rolled his eyes, “Fine, fine. I can only really do that at lunch, though, you know.” 

“My point still stands. Besides, if it’s something that needs attention immediately they should let you call me or call me themselves.” Virgil grumbled, and Roman looked like he was resisting the urge to roll his eyes again. Janus felt that. He got a feeling Virgil was often going against the school and complaining about it, possibly more than Roman. It was kind of funny, Virgil was like a fully grown man-teenage rebel sometimes.

“Geez, I'm not going to have a breakdown. Calm down, will ya?” He let out a snicker but Virgil didn’t look impressed. Roman sighed, “Fine, fine. I will. We goin’ or not?” Virgil nodded, “Yes, we are. Don’t wanna be late after all. Do you have everything?” Roman hummed as he went to grab a bottle from the fridge, probably filled with water he’d wanted to cool, it was clearly his, covered in disney and other cute or cartoony stickers. He’d decorated it fairly nicely, honestly, there were a few stickers on there he sort of wanted to ask Roman where he’d got. ...Or if he had any extras he might be willing to trade a favour for. 

They left the kitchen and after a quick trip up and down the stairs (Seriously, Roman went up and down so fast and with such heavy footsteps Janus was surprised the stairs didn’t cave in underneath him.) presumably to grab his bag, they were out the door with quick goodbyes. 

And then it was just him and Logan. 

Did he ever mention that the guy was freakishly tall? He looked like a tree. Compared to Janus being the height of an eleven year old, it was unsettling to say the least. Virgil was also the height of a giant, even if shorter than Logan. Even Roman was a fair bit taller than him. That was the worst one. He couldn’t count how many times Roman had called him short in a week alone.

As if Logan wasn’t terrifying enough as it was, he just had to be tall enough to literally squish him, too. Just great. He’d noticed that whenever Roman would say something with cheek, Logan would give him this look. The kind of look that Janus actively tried to avoid getting from adults. But he never actually did anything. 

How long did it usually take to get to school again? He strained to remember, he was always spacing out on those car rides. About a fifteen minute drive, probably. So Virgil would be gone about… half an hour. That wasn’t really that long, it was barely at time at all honestly. To most people. But to Janus , that might as well have been ten hours. Especially in a situation like this.

He swallowed.

"Uhm, don't you like… have work?" he asked, raising an eyebrow as he shrugged his shoulder. Logan hummed, "I have today off, actually." 

Janus' brow remained raised, it was a Monday. That seemed unlikely. But he didn't have the energy to risk asking questions right then. He’d much rather not push his luck this early. He’d rather do a lot of things, actually. One of those being wanting to lie down on the cold tile floor and wait for death, although that was a bonus in his eyes.

But he had a feeling Logan wouldn't let him do that, so he reluctantly resisted the urge. He wasn’t sure where it came from, but it wasn’t unusual for them to simply pop up out of nowhere. It was like sometimes his brain suddenly remembered his longing for death randomly, as if he ever forgot. 

Not that it ever really left.

He internally sighed, there was no escaping this, huh? 

“Are you feeling well enough to eat something?” Logan asked, going over to the sink to empty out the presumably now cold coffee. Janus sighed out loud that time, “I said I'm not actually sick.” He muttered.

“I know. But that doesn’t mean you might not be experiencing other symptoms of illness.” Logan hummed. Janus raised an eyebrow at him, “Like what?” ‘ illness’ was rather vague when it came down to it, and if Logan's definition was simply ‘not feeling good/well’ then, well, he was essentially always ill.

His body liked to spin a wheel of regret half the time he simply did normal human things. He often questioned what the heck he’d done in a past life to deserve this.

“Exhaustion, nausea, body aches and pains, lightheadedness, etcetera. Many things. Any of which are unfortunate to have to deal with.” Logan said, his tone leaving no room for arguments, even though Janus hadn’t really had one planned anyways. Maybe Logan had just expected it. That was fair, really, considering how Janus had been so utterly bewildered by half the things they’d done and said he ended up arguing against them without even meaning to. (Not to mention his constant fight against their stupid niceness and determination to keep him safe)

He shrugged, pulling his arms around himself, “I'm fine. Nothing worse than the usual.” He mumbled. Logan turned to him and gave him a questioning look, “What exactly is the usual?” 

He shrugged once more, “Uhm, i don’t know. Normally i’ve got at least one ache or pain going on, a lot of the time after i eat i feel ill… my body is essentially broken down as if i’m eighty-five.” He gave a dry laugh.

Logan frowned deeply, “That’s… unfortunate. I suppose it's understandable… perhaps we could mention those to the doctor when we go, however. Just in case there's a chance something else is causing an issue here.” 

“Why? I mean, I know it’s not exactly super normal or anything, but it’s not that bad. I’m used to it anyway.” Janus tightened his grip around himself as he furrowed his brows, looking down at the floor as he muttered in an annoyed tone, “I do not want to have to talk to anymore stupid doctors for any longer than i have to.” 

There was a pause, and eventually a sigh, “Alright. Well, nonetheless, it’s something we need to do. Unfortunately we can’t leave your injuries unchecked in case something is to happen, it could be highly dangerous if they were to get infected. Speaking of discussing, there is something else we need to discuss today, but I'll wait until Virgil is home for that.”

Before Janus could start asking questions Logan was speaking again, “Now, back to my original question. Do you think you could stomach any food at the moment? I’d rather you ate than went without. Although perhaps something smaller if you’re experiencing sickness after eating.” 

Janus nodded, “Yeah, I guess I could eat. And… yeah, smaller portions are… better, I guess. I’m usually okay while eating, it’s just after my body randomly decides i shouldn’t have.” He huffed. 

Logan looked like he wanted to comment, but for whatever reason, decided against it, and instead went to grab a couple slices of bread to put in the toaster. Janus muttered a thanks and went to grab the butter out of the fridge, raising an eyebrow when he saw Logan going into a cupboard and reaching way into the back to grab something.

He pulled out… a jar of… jam? And placed it on the counter in front of him, “Would you like some of the crofters? I keep it back here so Roman won’t find it and eat it all. It’s my favourite.” Janus blinked a couple times, did he just…? …This definitely seemed like a bug, or like some kind of comedic character trait the writers put in. 

“I... uhm, well, it’s your favourite so… why bother offering it to me?” He asked, still trying to process what he’d just witnessed. This grown over 6 foot giant man keeps a jar of jam , hidden, in the back of his cupboard, so his teenage foster kid won’t eat it. 

…Wow.

Logan shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t know. I suppose I just thought you might like jam a bit better than plain butter.” 

Janus gave a slow nod, “Uhm, okay then? Sure, I guess… thanks.” He put the butter down and went to grab a knife, until he suddenly remembered. Right. Of course, it wasn’t as simple as ‘grab a knife’.

So far, every meal time, he’d found at least one of them in the kitchen, even weekend lunchtimes, and hadn’t yet come across the issue that he essentially wasn’t allowed to make himself even a sandwich.

He was surprised they bothered, (he’d barely been expecting them to even feed him in the first place when he got here.) but assumed they just either liked to make sure everyone ate at the same time for whatever reason, or just enjoyed cooking, whatever.

But now that he realised it, it was honestly kind of ridiculous. Like, what was he going to do with a butter knife? They were far too dull to do any kind of actual damage. Instead he had to get people to make pretty much any kind of food that required preparation for him. 

He huffed to himself and took a step back, he wasn’t a child, it was embarrassing that he couldn’t make food for himself. Logan seemed to notice, he didn’t say anything, but gave a face Janus couldn’t quite figure out as he grabbed a knife himself. The cutlery drawer didn’t actually have a lock, but he noticed there were only about six of each item in there, and they would easily notice if he took a knife from it. 

Presumably they had more, they’d simply put them elsewhere. 

He really hated how much they’d thought about this. 

“You know a butter knife can’t hurt me, right?” He said quietly as he slumped into a chair at the table. Logan didn’t respond for a moment, only the sound of the toaster popping up to interrupt the silence. 

“It is less a case of the object itself and more of one's mental state when in possession of it. Many items could be dangerous in a time of desperation as rash decisions are made. We can’t take away all of them, because that’s not a pleasant way to have to live, and we want you to still have as much freedom as we can possibly give you while making sure you’re safe. Unfortunately, any type of knife just isn’t safe. I am sorry about that, truly, I am. But things will improve over time.”

A plate of toast covered in jam was placed in front of him, “I promise.”

–

They pulled up to the school, but before Roman could grab his bag and get out of the car, Virgil put a hand on his arm and stopped him. He tilted his head slightly, looking back in confusion, “Huh?” he questioned. 

He was surprised to see Virgil looked… kinda… nervous? Well, that wasn’t super unusual, he knew Virgil had an anxiety disorder after all, but he couldn’t think of anything right now. And it looked less like anxiety and more like something… else? He couldn’t quite place it, however.

“Hold on a sec. I was gonna ask you this while we were driving but I couldn’t work up the nerve to bring it up and Logan’s been waiting for me to be ready to ask you for months now, so…” Virgil took a deep breath and exhaled, “Wait a minute, would you? We’re a little early anyways, Patton isn’t even here yet.”

“Uhm, okay, sure.” Roman moved back to sit down properly, looking over at his… dad? He was still unsure about that. He would never let them move him to another home after being with these guys for two years, he knew that for sure. And he had experimented with calling them dad or pops a few times, and they never said anything. But that didn’t guarantee anything. He hoped they wanted him as much as he wanted to stay with them. 

“Okay? What is it?” He asked after a moment of silence. Now he was getting sort of nervous. What did Virgil have to ask him? Was it something bad? Why would Virgil be so nervous if it was a good thing? This was out of place enough as it was. 

“Okay… so, uhm. Me and Logan have been talking for… a while, now. And… a while back, we were talking to your social worker after one of your talks with her, and she laughed and said she was surprised we had had you this long. Since most kids didn’t last even a year in one home. And we both answered, without hesitating, that we would never let them move you somewhere else. Because you’re our son.”

Roman sucked in a harsh, sharp breath.

“So… we were wondering… if you want us to officially adopt you. It’ll take a while for things to process, but… we can get started on the paperwork. And… eventually, you’d be our legal child.” 

That was a lot. A lot lot lot to process. And his first instinct was to yell yes, but… then the second and third and fourth instincts came crashing in like a wave and he… needed to think about it.

He put his hand on the door handle and turned to look out the window, “Okay… that’s.. A lot. Uhm. This isn’t a no, I swear. I just need… to think about it? So.. uhm i’m gonna… go. Ya know, school and all… so uhm, yep, bye.” 

He quickly scrambled out of the car and slammed the door shut without looking and panickingly ran into the school grounds. Holy fuck.

–

By the time Virgil came back they had moved from the kitchen into the living room and Janus was curled up tightly and squished into the corner of the couch while a nature documentary was playing on the TV. Honestly David Attenborough’s voice was starting to make him want to go back to sleep. Although, to be fair, he usually felt like he wanted to go back to sleep. Shame they never helped him actually sleep when it was time too.

He looked up as Virgil came into the room, confusion washing over him as he noticed the look on Virgil’s face. He looked like he was trying (and pretty much failing) to hide a look of distress. What on earth had happened? All he’d done was drive Roman to school. 

Logan also almost immediately noticed it and frowned, “What’s wrong, love?” Virgil shook his head, “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it. Just… going to be a little bit of a day, you know?” He muttered, “Something’s… on my mind, I guess.” He sat down next to Logan, who reached over to kiss him on the forehead as Virgil cuddled up to him. Ick. But hey, they were happy with each other at least. 

Although he definitely wasn’t wishing distress on Virgil, there was a silver lining that perhaps they’d forget they were meant to talk to him about whatever it was. He still had a horrible feeling it would have to do with that conversation he overheard, it lined up too perfectly not to be. And the ideas of what that conversation could have been about were still rolling around in his head and keeping him up at night. 

He thought they were going to drop it for a while as no one said anything, the two of them  simply watching the documentary together. However when it ended, another similar one started to play on auto and Logan picked up the remote and paused it. Then he turned to face Janus.

Shit.

“Janus, I believe we still need to discuss the things I mentioned earlier. If Virgil feels now is a good time, of course.” Virgil shook his head, “I told you Lo, I'm fine. We need to talk about it at some point soon, no point in putting it off forever. We did put it off for a little while though, since we didn’t want to push too much on you all at once, Janus.” 

They both turned to look at him and he swallowed. Shit shit shiiiiitttt . 

“Uhm, okay? Did I do something?” He couldn’t help but have that be the first question out of his mouth. If he was going to get shit thrown at him he wanted to be prepared for it, at least. 

“No, no! Of course not.” Virgil said quickly, shaking his head. Janus felt his shoulders drop in relief, although he was still unsure and a little suspicious. What was this about, then? “Okay.” he mumbled in response, curling up a little tighter as he started to mess around with his hoodie strings just for something to do with his hands.

Logan and Virgil looked at each other and he couldn’t tell if they’d planned this conversation already, or were winging it and trying to decide who should go first. Eventually Logan cleared his throat and spoke up, “I doubt you’d appreciate a bunch of bumbling and sugar coating, therefore I am going to get straight to the point.” Oh, god .

“Me and Virgil believe therapy is a necessary for you. Roman goes, and we were thinking we could try having you meet his therapist first, and if he doesn’t end up working for you, we can find someone else.” 

…Wait… what??

Therapy? That’s what this was about?? 

Well… that was certainly better than pretty much anything he’d been worried about. A lot better. But he was still confused as heck. Therapy? Therapy is expensive. Especially if they’re paying for Roman to go too. And, besides, he wasn’t sure it’d do him any good anyways. 

He was a little offended, honestly. Necessary? …okay, well, in their defence, all they’d known him to do so far was break down. So, it sort of made sense in hindsight. But still! How was he meant to respond to that? ‘Oh, sure, I'd love to go tell a stranger about how broken my brain is!’

Yeah, no, it’d be a waste of money and he certainly wasn’t keen on the idea. 

“Okay so when you say ‘necessary’ does that mean i can’t just say no?” 

Without missing a beat, a ‘yep’ came from Virgil. Of course. He sort of expected that. But, well, that didn’t mean he had to go down without a fight. 

He raised an eyebrow and crossed his arms, “Well… you can’t force me.” He was pushing it, he knew that, but honestly, at this point, he was feeling like he had to start pushing it. The boundaries hadn’t been as obvious as he expected them to be and he needed to find them, not knowing what they were was too dangerous and nerve-wracking. 

Not to mention he was fully aware they very much could force him. He just… wanted to know if they’d admit it. 

“Of course not. However it would be beneficial, and we’d highly appreciate it if you even agreed to try one session. If you don’t like Dr. Picani we can try someone else, I know he’s very high energy and likes to talk about cartoons a lot, which is why Roman likes him, but he might not be for you. Either way, could you not at least try it?” Logan asked. 

He sighed, he really didn’t want to. He shuffled in his seat for a moment, “Is this just because I keep having meltdowns? Look, I swear it’s not usually that regular, if… if i go like, a month without one, can i not have to go?” he offered, wanting to find any way possible out of it. He did not want to have to spill his life story to some stranger. Especially not if he was all peppy and friendly and shit, he couldn’t stand people who always acted super friendly and excitable. 

He just didn’t understand what the hell they had to be so damn happy about. 

He wasn’t sure what he said wrong but it certainly put a sour look on their faces. Shit. Should he backtrack-? But what would he say instead? He couldn’t think of anything else. He could barely promise that, since his brain was clearly having a bad time at the moment. All the adjusting and sudden changes and confusing interactions were just too much. But he didn’t want to start having weekly sessions to talk to a stranger on top of that all, too.

Although clearly they didn’t see it that way, seeing it as only beneficial to him. And he didn’t see it their way, at all.   

“Janus it’s not about that. And no, while that would obviously be a good thing, and we’d be very happy, it doesn’t mean you don’t still need therapy.” Virgil said, he meant to groan internally but it ended up coming out anyways. Whatever, no point in regretting it, he might as well keep going now, anyways. He hadn't reached the line yet. They weren’t mad yet.

“But I don't see the point. Therapists are damn expensive and if he’s the type of person Roman likes talking to, no offence to the guy, but he’d probably just annoy me. And even if he doesn’t, I doubt even his whole-ass degree in getting people to open up can do more than get me to tell him things that won’t help, and would probably disturb even someone who hears horror stories for a living. Seems like a waste of time and money.” He hadn’t quite meant to go on for that long, nor did he mean to have quite so much bite in his tone, but it was out there now. No going back. 

For a moment there was no response and a flash of panic struck him. Had he found the boundary? He’d started fully going at them before and practically yelled in Logan’s face, and he had an attack before he could see if they were mad or not. But they weren’t , and they never seemed mad afterwards, either. They made no sense. 

“It’s not a waste if there's even the smallest chance it can help you.” Was all he heard in response. He… wasn’t sure what to say to that. 

“We’ll set up an appointment with him. You don’t even have to stay the whole session if you hate it that much. But, please, you have to at least try, okay?” There was a slight pleading in Virgil’s house, and nonetheless, he didn’t think saying ‘no’ would end well anyways. Plus, he was suddenly feeling drained of any energy to argue back anyways. 

So he sighed heavily and muttered a ‘fine’. If he barely talked to the therapist the first session they’d see it was a waste and drop it anyways. He hugged his knees to his chest and stared into the side of the couch. It had a bit of a pattern in the material, subtle, you wouldn’t see it if you weren’t looking directly at it up close, like little swirls. Weird. 

One of them (he wasn’t looking up enough to notice who) got up from the other side of the couch and he flinched as they walked past him, half expecting to be hit for whatever reason. That was just his first instinct. 

Honestly, having that as your automatic reaction was more embarrassing than anything. He couldn’t count the amount of times he’d been laughed at because he automatically panicked whenever a ball would come near him in P.E. 

Luckily they didn’t seem to notice. Or were just ignoring it. And, obviously, he didn’t get hit. Always a plus. 

“We won’t make you stay if you’d rather have some time alone, you know. You can go.” Virgil must have been the one who left, then, since that was clearly Logan’s voice. Virgil’s was deeper, it was so deep in the early morning when he’d just woken up he could rival that guy online with the insanely deep voice everyone thought was hot despite not seeing his face. The Internet is a weird and disturbing place.

He took the chance, nodding quickly before getting up and trying not to visibly rush out of the room, although he still refused to look up and look Logan in the face. As he went out into the hall he almost bumped into Virgil, who was walking back presumably from the kitchen. It was lucky he didn’t actually hit him, because he was carrying a glass of water that most definitely would have spilt if they crashed into each other.

“Are you off upstairs? Alright then. Here, take this.” Virgil said as he handed him the water and a couple pills. They did help a little last time, and apparently that had been enough for Virgil to decide he needed to take them as often as it was healthy too. 

“Thanks.” He muttered, grabbing them both hastily and making a slightly more careful than originally planned trip up the stairs, since he was not in the mood to get his ass kicked for spilling water on their carpet. 

He made it up to his room and placed the water and pills down quickly so he could shut the door behind him, letting out a slow breath. Something about having the door closed made him feel a little bit better. Maybe it was just the false sense of security and safety. Either way, he’d take it. 

At least they weren’t going to force him into a psych ward or something. He’d seen those places, he did not want to be stuck in one. The only reason he escaped ending up in one in the first place was because literally any of them remotely close by were full. So they had to resort to the usually extremely difficult job of finding a foster family willing to abide by the legal rules, let alone even take him in the first place.

They warned him he’d probably end up in a holding centre or home while they waited, which he hated the idea of, but by some miracle they found a foster family willing to take him before his time in the hospital was up. (His time there had been extended slightly from the typical amount of type they’d keep somewhere there, but, well, Virgil and Logan didn’t need to know why that was.) 

He still didn’t get it. But they were the weirdest foster family he’d ever had, after all. Guess he couldn’t judge, being a society assigned ‘weirdo’ his whole life. His personality and ‘weird’ interests had always been something to point out, but when he got the very obviously unique facial feature of his scar, his looks became the big thing that made him wrong.

He chugged the water and swallowed the pills, before going over to flop on the bed and pretend the world didn’t exist for an hour or so. He never made it, however, instead only making it halfway there before his legs decided that nope, it’s floor time. He didn’t mind too much. The floor was not as uncomfortable as you’d expect it to be, although he really needed to, you know, not be lying on the floor when they came to check on him. That’d be a time.

But for now he could lie here and feel the coldness of the wooden floorboards. Or whatever kind of fake wood they were. They looked nice at least, guess that was what mattered with interior decoration. Did floor count as interior decoration? Or was it too much a part of the basic structure of a house? Who knows. He doubted google knew the answer to that one. 

Could he get away with taking a nap on the floor? Probably not, he doubted his body would fall asleep on such a surface in the middle of the day, unless he was literally exhausted. Still… worth a try. He closed his eyes. 

Chapter Text

Janus had been to a lot of schools over his time, so many he was pretty certain he couldn’t remember even a guess at the number. He’d been moved around every single town within a hundred mile radius. Because, well, no one really was willing to keep him for more than a few months usually. Most of them hadn’t bothered to hide their bluntness when it came to saying his face was creepy when he first arrived, so, really, he hadn’t expected much from them.

The longest he’d ever been in one home was about six or seven months, and it was only because they had so many kids they weren’t exactly nitpicking each other to figure out who they wanted to boot. He got into some… things while in that home. 

When there's ten mentally unstable foster kids under one roof there's going to be chaos. Turned out ten was actually more than they were allowed to have, which is why he got moved. Somehow it got past them until they were trying to take another kid and someone finally realised they had too many. Janus seriously questioned what kind of clowns were running the foster system sometimes.

That being said, this school certainly wasn't the worst, by far. The actual area itself was actually nice , meaning the school actually wasn’t dirty and filled with stoner kids. He was sure there were a few, but at least they weren’t just casually hanging out in the hallways and bathrooms like he’d seen before. Guess they actually had to be secretive about it here. How fancy.

He wasn’t a fan of any of the teachers, but that was mainly because he knew that they knew things he’d rather weren’t public information. Although some of them were actually just kinda assholes. That was just how it tended to go.

He couldn’t pay that much attention in class anyways, he’d never been able to, he just sort of let it all skim past him, in one ear, 90% of it out the other. Because he couldn’t process the teacher's words if he tried. So he just did his best with what he had. 

With a little help from glancing at others' work, of course. He wasn’t stealing, just… being inspired. And he knew how to change things enough to make it look original. He’d been doing it for years.

Although, now he had full access to the internet, doing homework had become ten times easier. Because he could pretty much look up any answer. As long as he changed the wording up a bit he was fine. If he could pull his shit together enough to actually remember the things he looked up he could probably make it through his actual classes, too.

But his memory did tend to be… unforgiving. He couldn’t remember what he ate for breakfast that morning, let alone some random question in geography about a river.

He wasn’t used to really having any real friends to hang out with, either. Not that he was ever searching for those. Friendship requires trust and trust is fickle, and it most definitely wasn’t something Janus liked giving out nor having others put theirs in him. 

But for the past week, every lunch time, he’d had to practically hide from Roman and his friends, because his insane hugger friend kept trying to ask Janus to sit with them at lunch. Roman had also asked, saying Patton made him. Not to mention his other friend, who was, to say the least, a tree tall chaotic weirdo. He wasn’t Logan or Virgil tall, but he was about a head taller than Janus was. 

Too tall, in Janus’ opinion. And cussed like a sailor. And made a lot of sex jokes.

Anyways, Janus didn’t really feel like being made fun of for being short, or having his lungs and rib cage crushed, so he kept dodging them all week. He’d hidden in the bathrooms, found a corner to sit alone in and made excuses. But now he was back in school again, he wasn’t sure if he could avoid them. Why is that?

Because as soon as he walked out into the hallways during lunch time, he was ambushed. He blinked, and all of a sudden he was bumping right into Roman and his friends. He blinked a few more times, wondering what the hell just happened, stepping back to see both of said friends grinning at him in different ways that both concerned him. And Roman was standing in the middle looking like he regretted life. Janus felt that.

“Oh my gosh! I'm so glad you’re okay, Roman told us why you had to miss school yesterday! How are you?” Patton asked him, giving him a sad puppy look all of a sudden. Janus blinked again. He’d talked to this guy like, what, once? Why was he suddenly acting like they were best friends or something?

“Huh-?”

“He said you threw up! Did you blow chunks all over the place?! Did you get it on anyone?! That’s so grossss!” The other guy, -Janus thought his name might have been Remus?- asked, sounding almost… excited? About… vomit??

He needed a moment to process whatever bullshit this was.

“Guys, geez. He’s fine, see? Come on, let's go, I'm hungry.” Roman groaned, rolling his eyes. Patton pouted at him, “He’s been eating lunch alone, Roman! He should sit with us!” He turned back to Janus, “We’re fun, I promise!” He said with a giggle and a far too happy and bright grin.

“I’m sure you are, however, i don’t really need your pity offer to sit with you, so, i’m gonna go now, m’kay?” He said, smiling with false sweetness and a sugary tone. He started to walk away, dodging past them, but a hand reached out and grabbed his arm, making him jump. 

“ Nope . Patton won’t shut up about this, so you’re coming with us. I have important dead bugs I found to talk about ,and I can't stand hearing anymore of Patton interrupting me just to talk Roman into making you sit with us because he thinks you’re lonely or whatever. So come on, off we go! Besides, I wanna hear about the vomit.” 

The absolute audacity of this guy with his mullet and barely existing moustache, like some Freddie mercury wannabe, literally pulling him along with them. Roman looked like he was holding back a laugh as he watched this unfold. Little bitch . He wanted to wipe that smirk off his face. He’d get his revenge later.

He barely had time to process, let alone pull away, before he was pulled into the cafeteria. He finally started trying to pull his arm free, but Jesus  Christ this guy had an iron steel grip. 

He gave up after a few pulls because his arm was starting to hurt, this idiot was gripping very close to sensitive injuries, plus he was almost tripping over in the crowded cafeteria. 

They ended up over at a corner table where he was finally let go off. Remus looked at him with the proudest grin and honestly, despite only just meeting this dude, Janus was already ready to punt him into the sun. 

He huffed, “This is such a great way to make friends. Hold them captive.” He scoffed, sarcasm dripping from his voice. “You’re right, it is.” Remus said matter-of-factly. Janus couldn’t tell if he didn’t pick up on the sarcasm or if he was just choosing to ignore it. 

“We’re not holding you captive! Don’t you wanna sit with someone rather than being alone?” Patton said, tilting his head slightly like a confused puppy or something, as if he couldn’t understand the concept of people who didn’t enjoy company.

Janus raised an eyebrow at him as he reluctantly took a seat, “Uhm, not particularly? Don’t get me wrong, I'm not all angsty and ‘all people are awful’ kind of loner or whatever, but I've never exactly felt like I'm lacking without people to talk to while I try and get the school's disgusting food down my throat.” 

“It’s not too bad. But there are days that aren’t good, but we tracked them, and Logan and Virgil are willing to give us lunches on those days so we don’t have to eat them.” Roman shrugged, “Today’s pizza day i think. It’s edible, if you get a warm slice.” He gave a dry chuckle.

“Great.” Janus muttered. He knew that anyways, since they’d asked him about it, in case he had an allergy to the school food or couldn’t eat it because of ‘sensory issues’? He wasn’t sure what that meant but he had turned them down, not wanting to cause them any more trouble. Not particularly because he was trying to be nice , just because he was already on edge with everything they were doing for him, he didn’t want to add more. It was all starting to feel like a favour he could never pay back. 

But he didn’t want to think about that right then.

The pizza was, in fact, alright. Certainly not the worst he’d had. He’d had literal cardboard as an excuse for pizza before. And it was at least room temperature, too. Although when it started to go fully cold he had to stop, since the thought of taking another bite made him feel like he might throw up right then and there. And honestly, he’d rather be known as the suicidal kid than the kid who threw up on someone at lunch.

And, overall, it didn’t turn out to be too bad sitting with them. It was a chance to observe another of the weirdest social anomalies he’d ever seen . First being these damn foster parents, and now he was witnessing the weirdest group of friends he’d ever seen. Because for the life of him he couldn’t find a single thing these three had in common.

First there was, of course, Roman. Even more loud and obnoxious than usual, seemingly. Janus thought he had audacity at home, he couldn’t imagine what would happen if Roman talked like he did to his friends to Virgil and Logan.

Well, to Remus at least. He was much nicer to Patton than he was to literally anyone else. To be fair, Patton looked like the kind of golden retriever type to start crying any time anyone even looked at him wrong. Remus and Roman, on the other hand, practically yelled over each other and seemed to be in a constant fight over… literally everything. But, weirdly enough, never truly mad at each other. Sort of like how siblings argue but don’t actually want each other dead… mostly. They acted more like brothers than he and Roman did. 

Remus was even more loud and obnoxious, seemingly unaware such a thing as a filter existed, with the unique interests usually of five year old children or psychopaths. But Janus had to give him credit for going full in on it and not giving a single shit what anyone else thought, clearly. 

He would have guessed this guy was pretty well known throughout the school for being the token ‘weird kid’ or something. Maybe the “most likely to turn out to be a murderer”. 

His choice of clothes was also interesting, a weird mix of punk, unimaginably horrible pattern mixes, and just… absolute chaos. But Janus had to admit he kind of wished he had some of the pins he had on the jacket he was wearing. Big fan of ‘fuck the police’ scribbled on with a sharpie or maybe painted, hidden under a pocket flap so the teachers wouldn’t see, presumably. 

And then there was Patton, the absolute opposite. With his pastel coloured cat themed hoodie and his puffball personality, he was the type of person Janus usually loathed. Because he hated people who were constantly nice and always worried about others feelings. It was one, annoying, and two, frustrating. Seeing people sacrifice themselves for others was infuriating and made no sense to him, and he could already tell this fluffy haired bitch was full of empathy.

With his little round glasses, and he literally had face stickers of stars and hearts all over his cheeks. Speaking of said stickers, he kept putting green star stickers on Remus face as Remus kept trying to lick his hand. Janus had never been so relieved to hear the bell ring. 

Honestly he wasn’t sure what he expected from Roman’s friends, but having them be the two sidekick friends in a classic american highschool movie sure wasn’t one of them. And without a child-friendly script to keep Remus’ jokes at bay, Janus couldn’t say he was all that interested in hanging around them.

“Well this has been delightful, but I must go. Thank you for the introduction.” He said swiftly and with (fake) cheerfulness as he got up. He gave them a quick wave and was off. He was fast, not willing to risk being grabbed again by someone who clearly had no idea what a boundary was, sinking into the crowd before any of them could catch up to him.

–

School sucked. Really, truly, honestly, it did. But you know what? He’d still rather be at school for ten hours straight than have to go to the doctors.  

Could you blame him, really? So sue him for not wanting to have to show a doctor all his less-than-neat cuts and talk about how he tried to kill himself. The nerve of him.

Not to mention he was suspicious Logan had written a list or something of other stuff he wanted the doctor to know, and given it to Virgil to bring with him. That would 1, be embarrassing, and 2, take up more time he didn’t want to spend here.

He was staring intensely at the white tile flooring as he angrily cursed anything he could think of that might be to blame for this in his head. Including the existence of planet earth itself. It kinda looked like the kitchen one but with smaller tiles, and it had a more… Doctor office vibe? Who knows what that even meant, but hey, that’s what he was getting. He hated the entire feel of this place. He could feel himself shaking slightly just from the knowledge he was even in here. With their stupid shiny floor and the smell of god knows what, some kind of bacterial killer, and the stupid chairs and all those doors with different doctor’s names on them. 

“Janus? You okay?” He heard Virgil’s voice ask. No . Obviously not. Why would he be? Oh, yes , how he was filled with joy at the idea of having to have a doctor poke and proud at the slits and scars that would forever litter his skin that were meant to have ended his life. And then lecture him on how to keep them clean and lie to him with false sweetness and encouragement to get better, because really, they didn’t have the time for more depressed teenagers trying to off themselves. 

What could possibly be better? 

But he didn’t say that. He shrugged instead.

Virgil sighed, “I know you’d rather be anywhere else right now. But it’ll be okay, I promise.”

Why did they keep saying that to him? Sure, he appreciated them a lot for, you know, actually bothering to feed him properly and buy him things and not yelling at him constantly, but their promises meant nothing to him. They were empty, void of any true or solid meaning, because they couldn’t predict the future, they couldn’t know it would be okay. They just wanted him to keep his own blood off his hands.

“Janus Drewitt?” A nurse stuck her out a door and called. Virgil turned to him with a small smile, “Do you want me to come with you? Or do you want me to stay? Or maybe come with you and leave when he actually wants to… look at them?” He offered.

Janus took a deep breath, “Uhm, the last one?” Virgil nodded and flashed an encouraging smile at him before getting up. Janus followed, and the nurse guided them to an office down the hall.

“Here you go.” The nurse said, knocking on the door before leaving again. The door opened to a man looking slightly older than Virgil and Logan, with a couple grey strands and a seemingly friendly smile. Janus didn’t care how friendly he looked, he did not like doctors.  

“Hello there! You must be Janus. Lovely to meet you, I'm sorry you couldn’t get any doctors you were familiar with, but I'll have to do.” The doctor - the nameplate on his desk said Dr. Anderson - said with a chuckle.

Janus shrugged, “I wasn’t exactly attached to any of them.” He muttered. Really, he’d wanted to strangle half of them. And the nurses, too. He wasn’t a big fan of any kind of hospital staff. Okay, well, he had no vendetta against cleaners, but you know what he meant. 

“Hm, well, hopefully we’ll get along a bit better. Anyways, how are you doing today?” He asked as Janus and Virgil sat down in the seats across from his desk. Janus was tempted to just shrug again but he felt he might be pushing it a little with all his non-committal answers. 

“Uhm, okay, I guess?” He answered instead. Ah, of course, the verbal version of a shrug. He wasn’t okay, but, well, he wasn’t going to outright tell the doctor he’d rather be anywhere else in the world than here right now.

“Well, that’s good to hear! And you must be the guardian?” He said, turning to Virgil. Virgil nodded, “Yep, foster parent.” Dr. Anderson nodded back, “Right. Still pretty new, huh? Only been just over a week, it says here.”

Janus blinked. What? It had only been just over a week? There was no way. God, had it really been such little time? He’d arrived on a sunday, had the week of school, had the… ‘weekend incident’ missed monday, and… now it was wednesday. Jesus Christ.

“Yeah. It’s uh, still pretty new.” 

“Well then, I won't judge you too harshly.” The doctor chuckled, Janus could tell Virgil’s smile and laugh was less than genuine, so, at least he wasn’t the only one who thought this guy wasn’t funny. “So, Janus, how have you been feeling since you left the hospital?” Janus inhaled sharply . Here we go . 

“Uhm… I don't know. Okay, I guess? Well… maybe not. How many breakdowns was it?” He gave a dry laugh as he looked over to Virgil. Virgil furrowed his brow, “About three.” He muttered, sounding concerned.

“Oh dear. Did any more injuries occur during those times I should know about?” Dr. Anderson asked. Janus shook his head, “Uhm no. I think I scratched my arms a bit but it didn’t break the skin so…” He mumbled, wincing when he saw Virgil’s eyes widen out the corner of his vision. He hadn’t planned on telling them about that. 

“Hmm. Alright, well, although of course our goal is still for you to feel like you don’t have to do anything like that at all, that’s a significant improvement!” The doctor said with a smile. 

“Uhm, thanks…” Janus murmured, looking down at the floor, hugging his arms around himself tightly. He wanted to completely curl up but didn’t want to put his probably very dirty shoes on this guy’s chair, so squeezing the living daylights out of himself would have to do.

“Alright, can I take a look at those arms?” That was when Virgil got up to leave, saying he’d stay right outside the door. Janus swallowed, he didn’t want Virgil to see, but he didn’t like being alone in here with the doctor, either.

“Okie-dokie, take a seat up here for me.” The doctor instructed, getting up from his desk and walking over to the other, more medical looking side of the room, patting the big-weird looking doctor office chair thing as he walked past. Janus begrudgingly got up and went over to sit on it.

Dr. Anderson had grabbed a first-aid style box full of clean bandages and some kind of antiseptic, to presumably clean the wounds, placing them down on the counter in front of him before turning back to Janus. 

He smiled lightly but it didn’t put Janus at any more ease. He rolled up his sleeves and reluctantly let the doctor take his arm and start unwrapping the bandages. After a few came loose he couldn’t help but look away, eyes locked onto the other, bigger and presumably fuller first aid hanging kit on the wall as he tried to keep his breaths even and calm. 

He’d had much worse than this, you don’t exactly get your privacy nor your wants and wishes when you’re in the hospital after a suicide attempt. But he hated the feel of this stranger touching his arm and even being so close to him. Hated that his stranger was going to see something he wished no one ever had to look at, not even himself.

He hated that this stranger probably had a file, records of his past, telling him every detail about his stay in the hospital and his injuries and any single drop of information they had on him. His stomach twisted, a feeling of sickness and nausea starting to bubble up.

Heck, this stranger probably knew more than his own foster parents did. He could see the guy glancing at papers as they were talking, probably records of his time in the hospital and such. Janus wanted to rip his arm away and run.

“Janus? Are you alright?” He blinked, forcing himself to look Dr. Anderson in the eyes for at least a moment and nodded, “Yeah, I'm fine.” His voice came out a little rough. It wasn’t true. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt most people’s definition of ‘fine’. But if he never lied about how he was feeling he was pretty sure he’d be in the psych ward right now.

The doctor hummed, and Janus immediately pulled his gaze away once more when he felt the cold air hit his arm and realised all the bandages were gone. He took a sharp breath in, squeezing his eyes shut. 

“Alright, they look like they’re healing just fine. Are you making sure to keep them clean and changing the bandages regularly?” Dr. Anderson asked. Janus nodded, still refusing to look. He never really looked. He took the old ones off and sort of just played a blind game until he got the clean ones round a couple times. 

He’d also tried to take pills, before, but he always almost immediately threw up before they could do the job he wanted them to. They still left him weak and out of it but never worked how he needed them too. So he ended up having to take… messier measures. 

“Alright then. They look good to me, healing just fine. We’ll have another visit in a couple weeks to see how they’re doing, okay? I’m just going to clean them and replace the bandages.” 

It stung badly but he ignored it, refusing to make any sounds of pain in front of the doctor. Eventually he was let go and his arm fell to his side, god, it hurt like hell. That was probably going to take all day to settle down, damnit. 

“Alright, before I let you go, I have a few more questions for you.” He internally groaned, he hated this. Why why why were there more questions?! He was reaching his limit. “First, how are you adjusting to your new foster home? Coming straight out of the hospital can be a difficult adjustment.” 

“Uhm… it’s okay. Like, a lot better than most foster homes. I mean… adjusting is kind of hard. A lot of stuff is different.” He muttered. Dr. Anderson hummed, “That’s understandable. Is everything alright there? Plenty of food to eat, they’ve given you what you need, etcetera?” 

He nodded. He didn’t want to talk anymore. “That’s good to hear. Have you been experiencing any issues since you left the hospital? Unexpected pains or such?” 

Janus shook his head, yes, but he wanted to leave, now. He was done being here. He quickly shook his head or nodded on each of the questions, barely hearing them, only processing enough to know if he needed to agree or disagree. 

“One last thing, I noticed when you left the hospital they didn’t prescribe you any painkillers. Was there a reason for that?” Dr. Anderson asked. Janus resisted the urge to curl up and gave an unsure motion with his hand, “I don’t know. Guess they didn’t think I needed any.” He forced himself to speak, the words coming out pathetically quiet and slow.

“Hm… would you like me to prescribe you any, or is the pain manageable with store available ones?” He asked. “I don’t know. It’s fine, I guess. I can deal with it.” He wanted to leave goddamnit! Why was this doctor asking him so much!?

“Hm, well, i want you to be in as little pain as possible, so I'll write you up a prescription I’ll let your guardian know.” Janus swallowed, damn, that meant they’d have to monitor him taking pills every day, too. Fantastic.

“Alright then. I think you’re good to go!” Janus let out a sigh of relief as the doctor stood up and went to pull the office door open. Virgil was still standing right outside, giving him a smile as he walked out. 

“Hey, how was it? You doing okay?” Virgil asked. Janus gave a half-hearted shrug, he wanted to leave leave leave. Dr. Anderson pulled Virgil aside and started talking to him and Janus couldn’t do much but stare at the floor and pull his arms and tightly around himself as he could, wishing this could just all be over already. At least the actual appointment was over. But he still wanted to be gone. The sickness in his stomach was starting to settle, at least. 

As soon as the doctor left, back into his office and the door had closed behind him, Virgil turned back to him. And he couldn’t hold back any longer, the words falling out of his mouth before Virgil could speak up, “Can we go, please?” He said quietly, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment as he took in a slow breath. 

There was a few seconds of pause, and Janus suddenly felt the overwhelming urge to just start bawling, before Virgil spoke up, “Yeah, buddy of course, come on, let’s go.” 

He took a few more slow, deep breaths in and out. Thank god that was over.

Chapter Text

Really, Janus should have seen this coming. 

It was a messy cycle he’d picked up, gotten stuck in, despite not needing too anymore. Well, at least, he was pretty sure he wouldn’t have too. That would definitely feel out of place here . But before it’d just been how it was, and he’d adapted to it. It wasn’t exactly consistent before, either, so he had no control, nor could he predict when this would suddenly come back around to fuck him over again.

He knew it wasn’t the same here, though. And he knew this because, as usual, when he went downstairs in the morning, everything was exactly the same as it had been the previous weeks. There was Roman ranting to Logan about something that Logan looked utterly confused on, and Virgil humming something as he cooked sausages while sipping a cup of coffee. Just what he expected to see, really. 

But that didn’t stop him taking a solid minute to shuffle down the hall into the kitchen because his body kept refusing as his brain was screaming at him to go back.

Virgil looked over to the doorway and smiled as he noticed Janus standing there awkwardly, “Good morning. You hungry?” Ah, that was the question, wasn’t it? Because, the answer? Not at all. In fact, he felt sick , his insides twisted in a way that was most definitely sending the message of no food.

He wasn’t ill, he knew that, there was no sickness keeping him from hunger, that wasn’t it at all. It was stupid. Because… because after two weeks of solid and consistent food… his body was convinced there’d be a lengthy strike. 

Which was completely stupid , frankly, considering he was literally being offered food at that very moment. But his mind was clawing desperately for any reason that it wasn’t real. That it was a lie or a trick , or plainly telling him if he ate right then, he’d throw it right back up.

So he shook his head, “No, actually, i uh, don’t feel great.” He said, shrugging his shoulder up. Virgil’s smile fell, “Oh? Does your stomach hurt?” He asked. Janus nodded. “Oh, that’s no good. I'm sorry, do you want to go back to bed?” Virgil offered, sounding concerned.

Janus blinked. Go back to bed ? Geez . He would have thought he’d have to be passing out again for them to offer that . It was a nice idea, but… he wasn’t actually sick sick, his body was just being annoying.

“Uhm, it’s okay. I don’t think I'm actually going to throw up or anything…” He said quietly, not sure why he was rejecting the offer to go back to a nice warm bed. He’d started to get used to it now, and was definitely starting to appreciate it. It was so much bigger than any other bed he’d had, and it didn’t constantly creak and he didn’t have to worry it’d break in the middle of the night. Also it was comfy as fuck.

“Hmm still… Lo, can you check his temperature?” Virgil said, “I’ve gotta finish these, you up for eating the extras, Roman?” Roman looked up and grinned, “Definitely!” Virgil chuckled at him. God, these guys were so… ugh, like… like they were like a family in a damn show or something! Always laughing with each other, never mad, not to mention how Janus was just absolutely convinced any parents just generally enjoyed being around their kids. They didn’t feel real .

Logan pulled open one of the kitchen drawers, presumably looking for a thermometer. He moved to look in the top drawer and Janus was caught off guard when a hand moved to press against his forehead. He flinched, his first reaction whenever a hand came too close to him always being that he was in danger , but said hand only pressed against his head as Logan hummed.

“You’re not concerningly warm from what I can tell, but we should check. After all, a hand is far from the most reliable source of information.” He said, finally finding the thermometer and pulling it out of the drawer. 

Janus felt a little awkward as Logan checked his temperature, but at least it wasn't one of those ones where he actually had to stick it in his mouth. Logan gave another hum, “Seems to be normal.” Janus bit his lip, he knew it would be, he was starting to get a little anxious they’d think he was trying to fake being sick to get out of school or something. 

“Uhm, yeah, as I said, I don't feel that kind of sick. I just… I don't think I can eat right now.” He muttered. 

“Hm, okay… we’ll pack you some food to take with you then, and you can just eat what you can when you feel like it.” Virgil said, still not seeming entirely convinced, but at least he didn’t persist. Janus let out a small sigh, glad they weren’t going to tell him to stay home again. He hated school, but even missing one day seemed to set you two years behind.

“Okay.” He breathed out, he already knew none of it would get eaten. Maybe he could share some stuff out between Patton, Remus and Roman and make it look like he did. Although Roman might tell on him. He couldn’t be sure, he hadn’t spent enough time with the guy yet to form any kind of “if you don’t tell on me, i won’t tell on you” pact or anything. 

Logan handed him a glass of water and he gave a quiet thank you, he didn’t know whether he was meant to sit down anyways or if he was allowed to leave. He didn’t think sitting here while they ate was a good idea, it certainly wasn’t going to help his stomach feel better. Or his brain. 

“Uhm, can I go? Upstairs, I mean. I, uh, don’t know if sitting here with the smell of food is a great idea…” He asked, still not having moved from the doorway since coming in. 

“Yeah, of course. If you decide you don’t feel well enough before it’s time to leave, let me know, okay?” Janus nodded, despite already knowing he wouldn’t do that, and made his way up the stairs as fast as he could while holding a glass. They were constantly giving him water like he was a plant or something, so he was getting used to it. He was having a little trouble keeping up with all the glasses though, trying to remember to bring them down. They’d only had water in them, but still. He’d started just sneaking down to put them in the sink when he knew no one was in the kitchen. It was fairly easy to know, it hadn’t taken him long to figure out what noises were coming from which room or whose footsteps were who’s, after all.

–

As expected, when lunch time came around, his body was still not open to the idea of food. The ungodly sloppy mess of a ‘casserole’ the school was serving looked like it would give him diarrhea anyways, so seeing the people around him eating it (or at least trying too) wasn’t affecting him much. Although it looked disgusting. Which, you know, wasn’t exactly fuelling an appetite he already didn’t have.  

He opened up the lunch box they’d given him, with little compartments with different food in. Nothing too extra, just some grapes and crackers and cheese, plus an oreo? Man, he was missing out on an oreo? This was a sad day. The whole thing was a little childish feeling, but he appreciated it nonetheless. Roman’s had the pretty much the same, since it was one of the ‘inedible’ food days he had one too, although he had a sandwich in his. He could see it was peanut butter and jam so maybe they thought his stomach couldn’t handle that. Eh, he wasn’t bothered, he wasn’t going to eat it after all.

“Do you guys want any extra food? Go at it, I'm not hungry.” He said, pushing the lunch box into the middle of the table. Roman raised an eyebrow, “ Still? ” He asked incredulously. Janus shrugged, “My body has consumed enough food in the past couple weeks, ya know? Fuel tanks full.” He said with a humourless laugh. Roman was giving him an odd look, one he couldn’t quite place the meaning off. He shrugged it off.

“Ooo, free food!” Remus grinned and instantly went for the oreo, shoving it in his mouth, “Yum.” He said with a mouthful of biscuit, grinning with the black coloured cookie covering his teeth. Ick.

“Janus, you really need to eat some lunch!” Patton pouted, looking concerned. He’d given in to sitting with them since, after all, Remus had threatened to shove dead bugs in his ear if he didn’t. He’d rather not find out if that was an empty threat or not. 

“I’ll be fine, can you eat some, at least, if you have room? I don’t want it to go to waste.” He said, gesturing towards the box as he waved off the concern. Patton sighed, “Okay, we’ll take a little, but leave those grapes and a few crackers in case you get hungry later! Okay?” 

Janus rolled those eyes, but nodded, he already knew he wouldn’t eat them, but hey, at least they weren’t putting up a huge fight about it. 

–

At the end of the day, really, bodies need food to survive. Sure, his body was prepared to have to save up energy for these cases, but that didn’t mean he was immune to hunger, nor the side effects of it. By the time he got home he was in pain, but still feeling his insides twisted and sick, knowing he wouldn’t keep anything down. 

He tried to hide it, not wanting to concern his almost freakily observant foster parents, but he also had to deal with making sure Roman didn’t figure it out either and tattle on him like a little shit. Or even just tell them he hadn’t eaten anything at school, because he knew they’d get all weirdly fussy about it. He didn’t understand, honestly, how was him not eating their food a bad thing? It was only a day, he’d live.

In Roman’s defense, Janus couldn’t say he’d never told on another kid. But he’d learned his lesson not to do that fast after dealing with the consequences of it. He wasn’t sure he could exactly deliver the same consequences to Roman, nor did he exactly want too. He didn’t exactly want to be a violent person, although verbally he could be known to go a bit overboard. Still, he wouldn’t do that to Roman, either. He’d just probably tell him to fuck off and ignore him for a while. 

Not to mention he… probably couldn't if he tried. The curse of noodle arms. 

He had no idea how long Roman had been in the system, nor what he’d been through, so he had no idea if it was ingrained into his mind like it was Janus’ not to go tattling. 

He didn’t say anything in the car ride home, and didn’t say anything when they had gotten back, either. But he kept giving Janus looks. So Janus gave him a look back, a death stare. Roman had only rolled his eyes in response.

“Oh, Janus! I just remembered, we set up an appointment with Dr. Picani this weekend. No pressure, he’s just gonna wanna talk and get to know you a little, first session and all. Right, Roman?” Virgil said, poking his head out of the kitchen doorway to call out to them both in the hall. 

Roman looked over at him and blinked, blanking for a moment as if he was trying to process and remember what the heck Virgil had just said. Janus felt that. “Oh, uhm, yeah. He’s chill.” He shrugged, and went back to giving Janus those odd looks he still couldn’t figure out. 

Virgil smiled and nodded before disappearing into the kitchen again. As soon as he was gone and out of earshot, Roman’s face hardened, “Upstairs, come on, we’ve gotta talk.” He said firmly. 

“Excuse me?” Janus replied, baffled. Roman huffed, “I said we’ve gotta talk, come on, up. So he won’t hear.” He nodded his head towards the kitchen as he took the first step up the stairs. Janus was not a fan of his audacity, but found himself following Roman up the stairs nonetheless. Whatever it was, he didn’t want to risk Virgil overhearing it if even Roman was being secretive about it. 

He barely reached the top step before Roman spun around on him, “Alright, come on, what is it? Why are you refusing to eat?” Roman said, blunt and straight to the point as he crossed his arms across his chest. Janus was taken back for a moment, but quickly regained his posture and did the same, raising an eyebrow at him, “Why is it any of your business?”

“They’re going to make you eat something later, you know. Especially if they find out you haven’t eaten at all today.” Roman said pointedly. Janus huffed to himself, knowing it was true and hating it. He’d tried, he really had, but he’d had multiple breakdowns in the bathroom all day as his body refused to stop shaking and his brain tried to convince him he was in some sort of danger.

Roman sighed, “And, look, I'm not here to get all emotional and gross, but… I get it. Places like this after being in so many places like that is… hard. But you gotta let the old habits die out otherwise things won’t get better.” He shrugged one shoulder up, his crossed arms having turned into more of a self-hug. 

Janus paused for a moment. His first thought was a snarky response, to tell Roman to mind his own business and that he didn’t get it because he wasn’t Janus. …But… he managed to stop himself, realising that Roman… had actually just opened up. Maybe not a lot, but… it would be a total asshole move to snark at him right then. 

So he sighed and turned his gaze to the wall, not wanting to look Roman in the eyes as he spoke, “Okay, okay… I don't particularly feel like telling you why . But… i… appreciate… your… concern? And… I'll… try to eat, I guess…” He muttered.

He wasn’t good at this. He didn’t do emotions, didn’t get them, didn’t feel half of the complicated stupid ones most people seemed to feel, all they did was make things awkward and painful for everyone involved. And for a long time that had made him pull asshole moves he wasn’t proud of looking back, and he probably still made some now that he would look back on in the future and be unhappy with. But he was… trying, at least. He was trying, okay? He was always trying to do something.  

Sometimes he got sick of trying.

Roman gave a half huff half laugh and an awkward smile, “Okay… this was weird. Let’s go back to arguing.” Janus snorted, “Agreed. Your hoodie has a food stain on it, by the way.” 

Roman gasped, looking down at his beloved Disney hoodie, then gave Janus a sour look when he realised it was a lie. Janus grinned, “Gotcha.”

–

He didn’t want to push it when dinner time came around, so he told them he was still feeling ill and asked for something small, instead. They got a little fussed about it again, concerned that he actually was ill after all, but he managed to get them to drop it. Luckily. 

He wasn’t really hearing any of the conversation as he sat at the table, pushing his small portion of chicken and a few potatoes around the plate. He was thankful for Roman’s seemingly constant flow of conversation to fill in the gaps, it was like he had a new idea to talk about as soon as he was done with the previous one. Janus sort of got that, he had sonic on steroids brain, too, but he struggled to actually the words out, especially in a format that made sense and came out sounding the way he wanted it too. So he usually just kept them in his head. 

Maybe Roman just didn’t have that problem. He’d never really thought about it, but, now that he was, it was occurring to him that couldn’t exactly be the standard. He’d seen so many people talk so smoothly like it came natural to them. He didn’t get how. Was he the weird one? He’d never thought about it, he’d just assumed it was kind of… normal.

He saw Logan glance over at him, and not wanting to be questioned, he reluctantly cut a piece of the chicken and ate it. It was good, it was well cooked, not chewy, not gross, not mushy…. Nothing wrong with it. But he still had a hard time swallowing. This was wrong. He didn’t just… get to live like this, always having food on his plate, and not even having to make it. Maybe he should offer to help, maybe he’d feel better about eating it then. 

He eventually swallowed, trying not to shake too much as it went down. He needed to swallow earlier before it got all mushy, that made it worse. He forced some more of the food down, relieved when his sickness didn’t increase. It didn’t exactly ease, but… maybe if he lied down for a while, he could get the food to settle. It just felt… weird. Wrong. He was sick of everything that was meant to be good feeling wrong.

He was glad this didn’t happen when he was in the hospital. He didn’t want to know what would happen if he refused to eat there. But now he had to deal with it. At least once a month, usually every few weeks, his body had learned to expect that food wouldn’t be a given any longer, that there simply wasn’t any and he couldn’t find any money to go buy some, sometimes it was that it had been literally locked away. 

He’d stock up on food and hide it, or eat when he could and try to preserve his energy, chugging water throughout the few without barely any food. It was awful. He wasn’t in any serious danger, small snacks and an ungodly amount of water keeping his systems from shutting down, but it didn’t make it any better.

It was painful and bitter and left him with no energy. It never should have been happening in the first place, at least  in foster homes they’d always at least have something lying around to keep kids from starving, even if they had to fight over it, since, well, they didn’t want to fail the update inspections and lose the money they were getting.

So why did this happen? Honestly… he wished he knew. He never knew what exactly was going on, only that it was best to leave it alone and suffer through it hiding out in his room, or sometimes somewhere more secretive if he needed to, until it was over. He… he knew it hadn’t been purposely to hurt him, but…

“Janus?” He was pulled out of his head suddenly, realising he was being stared at. He looked around, had he… missed something? He could have sworn he only spaced out for a second. “You okay, buddy? You weren’t answering for a minute there.” 

“Oh… sorry.” He muttered, furrowing his brow, “I didn't realise. Uhm, what did you say?” He asked, looking up. “Nothing, I was just asking if you were feeling okay. You spaced out and looked a little pale and I was worried you were feeling sick again.” Virgil said, a small frown etched onto his face. 

“Oh… no it’s fine.” He said quietly, looking down at his plate. He couldn’t eat more. He suddenly regretted not taking the chance to lie and say he was feeling sick (not completely a lie, his stomach hadn’t settled all day and he would have thrown up if he had eaten anything until now, he was fairly sure) However they didn’t seem convinced, anyways.

“You’re shaking.” Logan said bluntly with a matter-of-fact tone. Janus blinked, he was? He looked down at his hands, which were, in fact, shaking quite visibly. He hadn’t even noticed. “Oh.” He said, a little breathlessly. 

“Maybe you should go lay down, honey.” Janus blinked a few more times, he… was starting to feel a little weird. A little lightheaded, maybe? A little spacey… what was that Virgil said? Lay… down? Oh… like upstairs? He got the feeling the stairs might be a little hard at that moment, for… whatever reason. His legs just felt a little… weird. Like they might not move… right. 

But if that’s what they wanted him to do he was better off just doing it, he didn’t want to risk blatantly ignoring them. He pushed himself up from the table, his vision had gone a little blurry, he could still see fine but… his eyes kept moving around rapidly from side to up to down to side- what?

His body was slowing, he took another step but then… he got the feeling he might not be able to move any further.

Wait, where was he again?

“Janus…?”

He went to turn around at the sound of a voice but his head wouldn't move. And the rest of his body was quickly following suit, feeling like a heavy bag of bricks, and he stumbled a bit, hands starting to feel vaguely… numb? That wasn’t too unusual, his hands were always cold, so cold in the winter they sometimes got a little numb…

And then he had to grip onto the closest surface to keep himself from crumpling to the ground. He heard sudden movements when he did, a gasp, the sound of a chair scraping against the tile flooring. 

But he quickly realised he wasn’t fully aware of what was going on around him. It was like water was filling up his ears, filling up his brain, drowning it, making it sink down and down into pitch blackness, like it was being pulled away from his body. He felt lightheaded yet heavy as a ton at the same time. 

“Hey hey, what’s up? What happened?” Well, at least, that’s what was actually said, what Janus heard was more of a blurry, underwater, going in and out sounding incomplete sentence he couldn’t understand. 

“Janus? Can you hear me?” His eyes were still moving around and he was blinking but otherwise he was struggling to move any of his limbs. They all felt so heavy and so… disconnected from him. He couldn’t manage even a nod. 

This wasn’t the first time something like this had happened, and he wasn’t a fan. It could leave him in that stuck state, unable to properly move his body aside from a slight occasional hand twitch, for god knows how long. Everything went in and out and over his head. Usually his eyes would settle on one spot and stare at it until a few stray tears started to gather, he could do nothing as the world went by. 

“I think he might be dissociating. It’s best not to touch him, but I'm not sure what we should do.” 

“Do you think we… an get him to the living room, at le-... ?” 

“I can’t see a way without t-...ching him.” 

“Shoot, okay… but we can’t just leave –... here. He looks like he’s about to fall to the flo-...r.” 

Janus was pretty sure he couldn’t keep himself upright if he didn’t have the counter to lean on. He was trying to focus on the words going on around him but he couldn’t catch them all, they were so… distant. 

“He looks like his soul left his body.” 

“Roman, that’s not hel–...ul.”

“I’m just saying!” Saying he was, a bit too loudly for Janus’ liking, his body flinched in a delayed reaction and suddenly his iron grip on the one surface that was keeping him upright was gone. 

“Oh shit-!”

He was barely aware of anything happening around him, it was a blur, clear yet so distant and far away he couldn’t feel it the same way, the way he should, anymore. But he definitely felt when hands gripped around his torso. 

And he screamed. 

Get off me!! GET OFF!! Fuck fuck fuck STOP! He couldn’t say it out loud, his mouth still refusing to work the way he wanted it too, apparently it was only going to let out an ungodly screech instead of actual words. Helpful. He didn’t know who or why , nothing going on in the outside world was clear to him anymore. 

All he knew was the contact felt like horrible wriggly worms and he wanted to squirm and run away but he couldn’t move.

“I’m so sorry darling but you were going to fall– okay okay i’m going to just… really quickly take you to the living room so you can lay down, okay? It’ll be quick i promise– i’m sorry-” 

There was a rush as he was suddenly lifted off the ground and he was sure he was letting out a mix of awful unholy sounds, none of which were coherent words and probably made him sound crazy, as tears pooled in his eyes. (they never fell, there was never enough of them too).

“I’m really sorry sweetheart, here you go, i’m gonna put you down okay? I’ll move away, you can have as much space as you need.” The hands being gone was a relief but…. Sweetheart… that broke him. He couldn’t stand hearing that pet name anymore. It was too much. As soon as he was put down he scrambled to squish himself into the corner of the sofa, shaking and unable to breathe properly with tear-blurred vision. He shivered, the contact was gone but he still could feel it crawling over his skin. Help . He curled in on himself, burying his face in his knees, and for the first time in years, he cried.

Chapter Text

Eventually, after what felt like hours of being utterly lost and not being able to find any way to help, Janus’ tears stopped flowing as his eyes ran dry and he slowly drifted off. Most likely passed out from exhaustion. Still curled up in an impossibly tight ball, pressed into the corner of the couch, as if to protect himself. 

Despite being unconscious, he looked no calmer, still looking defensive, face scrunched up and hand gripped tightly on the hem of his shirt, but at least he was somewhat more peaceful. His energy must have completely drained, which, considering the situation, wasn’t all that surprising. Not to mention he looked like he’d barely slept for the past week. Or the last month .

Virgil sighed, grabbed the blanket they kept on the back of the couch and threw it over him, running a hand through his hair. He messed up. He knew he had, he shouldn’t have touched Janus at all, let alone picked him up like that. He panicked so badly, his mind had been so frantic, he hadn’t known what else to do. What an idiot. 

“I can feel you blaming yourself from here, my love.” Virgil huffed as Logan came back into the living room, holding two mugs in hand, “We cannot change the past. We’ll wait until he’s awake, you can apologise, and we must try to move on.” 

Virgil bit his lip, “I... I know. I just… Lo, he literally screamed bloody murder.” He said, a harsh whisper. It was as if someone had come at him with a weapon, and honestly, he could have thought that was happening for all Virgil knew, he was clearly pretty far gone. And whatever he thought was happening, it wasn’t good.

“I know. Roman hasn’t even touched the hot chocolate I gave him, I think it shook him up a little.” Logan sighed, “It was… disturbing.” They both knew they weren’t just talking about the scream. Virgil took the mug from Logan’s hand, a black cat mug Roman had gifted him a year or so ago. He softly smiled at the memory.

Roman hadn’t been much different when they’d first gotten him, and now, he knew the kid would never want to leave them. He loved them like parents. And they loved him like a son. He was still waiting on an answer about the adoption, but… he knew, deep down and away from his anxiety ridden thoughts, that it wasn’t that Roman didn’t want to be adopted by them, he was just nervous of change. Old thoughts coming back up, maybe, old anxiety about it being some sort of trick.

It got better, it really did. Time came with trust if you worked hard enough to build it. And even though it never truly went away, trauma like that and its effects doesn’t just disappear, it got so much easier to bounce back from as time went on. 

And they had to remember that with Janus now, to keep pushing through the hardest times to get to the better ones. 

“Are you going to stay in here?” Logan asked. Virgil looked over to Janus again and sighed, “I don’t know. Watching him feels weird but I don't want him to suddenly wake up alone and then panic, not remembering what happened.” 

Logan hummed, “Well, I'm going to go sit with Roman. If you’re going to stay in here I recommend you turn on the TV or read a book, so it doesn’t look like you were watching him the entire time.” Logan said, a small smile tugging at his lips.

Virgil rolled his eyes and scoffed, unable to contain his own smile, “Yeah yeah. Off you go, make sure our son doesn’t freak out. Him, not drinking hot chocolate? It must be an emergency.” 

Logan gave a slight smirk, “Of course.” He left with a kiss pressed to Virgil’s cheek, and Virgil sighed as he put his mug down on the coffee table. Logan was right, of course, Virgil would have ended up doing such anyways, he wasn’t going to just sit there. One because that would be strange, and two, because he’d get far too restless letting his head wander like that.

He glanced over at Janus one more time, biting his lip, the kid was restless himself, flinching even in his sleep. An idea came to Virgil, it might not be any good, but…

He quickly (but quietly) went out into the hall and made his way up the stairs, slipping into Janus’ room and grabbing the weighted blanket off the end of the bed. He noticed the abandoned black cat plush sat squished up to the edge of the bedframe and decided to grab that, too.

He went back downstairs and laid the weighted blanket down, replacing the one from the back of the couch Janus already had. He looked at the cat in his hands for a moment, before deciding it was worth at least trying it, as much grounding as possible was best, surely? He pushed the grounding object into Janus’ hands, it might be harshly rejected as soon as Janus woke up, but even in his sleep, he thought that having an extra something grounding in his arms might help. with a mix of weight and smell, plus soft fur, it might do something. Even if Janus just used it as something to grip tightly onto.

He watched as Janus shifted in his sleep, Virgil’s breath hitched, worrying he might have accidentally disturbed his sleep, but didn’t wake. He only moved to curl up around said plush in his hands, half hiding his face away. A soft smile came across Virgil’s face. 

–

Janus woke up to the subtle sound of the TV playing, he groggily shifted to turn over, a hard job when his body felt so heavy. He groaned, why did he feel like a ton of bricks? Although, now that he thought about it, he…he forced his eyes open, realising that he had a huge, heavy blanket over him-?

“Hg..? What the…” He mumbled, pushing himself up into a sitting position, which was when he noticed the cat plush he somehow had, that had somehow appeared and fallen into his lap? What was going on? He… couldn’t quite remember what happened. 

“Oh! You’re awake.” 

Janus looked up, seeing Virgil was sitting across from him on the armchair, hugging a cup in his hands. Why was he in the living room? And why did he have this toy, and this blanket over him? When did he fall asleep?

“What happened?” He asked, wincing as he realised how dry and sore his throat was, making his voice sound hoarse, as if he’d been… oh. Now he was starting to remember. 

He curled in on himself again, a wave of embarrassment hitting him. Not only had he pathetically collapsed, again, he’d cried in front of them. He didn’t even know he could still cry like that. It had been years since he’d cried properly. 

Especially full on sobbing.

He cringed, he must have looked so stupid. Not to mention the obvious pity considering they’d covered him in a blanket and given him a soft toy. He huffed to himself, tossing the cat plush onto the other side of the couch. 

He looked up again as he heard Virgil take in a breath, shifting on his spot. He raised an eyebrow, what was that about? Why did Virgil's face look so… upset? He met Janus’ eyes and sighed, “I… I'm really sorry about before. I shouldn’t have done that… I just panicked and didn’t know what else to do.” 

It took Janus a moment of blankly staring at the man to remember what on earth he was talking about, and when he did, he was even more embarrassed. But what surprised him was how… guilty Virgil looked.

“I messed up, and I'm really sorry.” Before Janus could open his mouth to respond, or even think of any sort of response to that, Virgil was speaking again, “I just… are you okay, sweetheart?”

“ Don’t. ” Janus bit, feeling a shiver rack his frame, “Don’t… say that.” He said, firm but quiet. Virgil looked confused, “Say… what? Sweethe-?” 

“ Yes .” 

Virgil was silent for a moment, pausing, until he spoke again, “Alright, I'll keep that in mind. Sorry.” Janus let out a shaky breath, “It’s.. whatever.” It’s far from whatever–

Silence fell upon them again. Neither of them knew what to say. Janus wanted the floor to open up and swallow him whole. 

“Do you want some tea? I bet your throat’s pretty dry, and you’ve probably got a headache, too. You need some hydration.” Virgil asked eventually, breaking the awkward tense silence. 

“...Yeah, okay. Thanks.” Janus said after a few seconds. Virgil gave a small smile and got up, “Alright. Better get myself a refill while I'm at it, this thing has been cold for ages.” He laughed.  

Janus gave him a questioning look, “Ages? How long have you been sat there?” How long have I been out?  

“Hm, about, an hour?” Virgil shrugged. Janus’ eyes widened, “An hour?” He looked out the window, before, the sun had been setting, and now it was pitch black outside. 

“Well you’ve been out for almost two hours, but… this is my second cup already. Luckily it’s just tea and not coffee, since I'm going in for a third.” Virgil said, smirking as he looked down at the mug in hand. 

“I…” Janus trailed off, not knowing what to say. He hadn’t expected he’d been out for that long. 

“I’ll be back. Feel free to change the show, I've barely been paying attention anyways.” Virgil said, waving a hand as he left the room. 

Janus glanced over at the TV, he hadn’t bothered to check what was actually playing before. Now that he looked, he… had no idea what show this was, he’d never seen it before. He shrugged, not caring to change it to something else. 

He settled back down, barely paying any attention to the screen, using it only as background noises to keep his brain awake enough that he won’t fall back asleep. It’s bad timing for that, he won’t get to sleep now until an awkward early morning time, ruining this entire day. How rude of his mental breakdown to mess up his schedule like that.

Two hours… well, that wasn’t the longest time he’d spent passed out on a couch. 

–

If Janus had thought the doctor’s office was bad, it was nothing compared to being in the therapist’s office. Sure he knew this Dr. Picani guy wasn’t going to ask to see anything, which was a relief, but he was going to have ten times the amount of questions. Because that was literally his job.

He hated this. It was a waste of money, and time, and he didn’t want to be here at all. He wasn’t going to answer any questions, so what was the point ? 

He’d been instructed to wait inside the room, a small office area with a couch and a chair opposite, a coffee table between them. The room was filled wall to wall in posters and shelves of cartoon merchandise, which was not what Janus was expecting.
 

He expected dumb inspirational quotes on those posters, and the shelves to be filled with… he didn’t know, therapist stuff! Whatever that was. Not toys. Some he vaguely recognized from kids shows he’d seen while being in homes with little kids, although many of them he had no clue what were from.

This couch was pretty comfy though. But he didn’t like being alone in the room. It was quiet. Was this room soundproof? Seemed odd. Maybe it was just so there was no chance of people overhearing private conversations. Or maybe it was so no one could hear you scream, who knew?

Therapists in movies could be really fucked up. Maybe they just wanted to help people, but, well, it made sense to Janus that people like that might get jobs where they’re being told horrible stories to fuel their thoughts and handed vulnerable victims right into their hands. 

Suddenly all of the friendly looking cartoon themed decorations that any kid would love to sit in a room full of were starting to feel sour. 

Janus gripped the edge of the beanie he was wearing (and often did, it was a comfort item, okay?) tightly with his hand, pulling it down (a nervous habit, shut up) and took in a sharp breath. It was fine. If something happened, he’d book it. He knew Virgil was still outside in the waiting room. It was… enough. Not 100% reassuring, but… enough. 

“Well howdy-do, is that a new patient I see?” A loud voice startled him enough to make him practically jump out of his seat, slipping slightly on the leather couch, and he looked up to see a dopey grin in the doorway. It was worn by a man with a pair of thick framed glasses and a bubblegum pink tie, who… was not what Janus was expecting to see.

“Helllloooo there! My name is Dr. Picani!” He said as he did jazz hands, still happily smiling in a way Janus didn’t trust, “You must be Janus! Roman’s mentioned ya, and your parents told me all about ya!” He said, stepping fully into the room and closing the door behind him. 

He walked over and sat down across from Janus, pausing as if waiting for a response. Janus didn’t feel inclined to give him one. 

After a moment he hummed, “Well I'll take that as a yes. If not ya should tell me before i get in trouble.” He chuckled. Janus didn’t find it all that funny. Dr. Picani raised an eyebrow at him, “Is this a situation where ya just don’t feel like talkin’ to me, or do you deal with any kind of mutism i should know about?” He asked.

Janus shook his head. “So you’d rather just not talk, huh? Well that’s no issue! Here, you can use this to write if you’d like!” Dr. Picani said, holding out a pad of paper and a pen. Janus didn’t reach out to take it. He stayed in place, his legs pulled up to his chest. He was probably getting dirt from his shoes on this guy’s couch, but he couldn’t find it in him to care.

He didn’t want to be here. He tried to argue but couldn’t push past light comebacks to their points that didn’t do much. He was too tired from all his breakdowns over the past few weeks and just didn’t have the energy to fight them on this. He was still far too on edge, knowing one annoyed look from them would send him spiralling. Pathetic as it was, he couldn’t do anything to change it. So he reluctantly gave up and came. 

Although considering they already paid for it he was pretty sure they would have dragged him out the house and kicked him into the office no matter what he said or did. Therapy is expensive.

“...Well it’ll be real hard to work with you if you refuse to talk to me, bud.” Dr. Picani said gently. Ugh. He hated that tone. He’d been here five minutes and was already getting pitied. By a therapist.

He huffed. Dr. Picani gave him a pointed look, “Your parents did mention you might not want to talk to me.” Janus felt a flash of anger flare up, “They’re not my parents.” He snapped.

Picani blinked. “Well… that’s one way to get ya to talk to me! I’m sorry, I should have asked you first how you want to refer to them. Does foster parents work? Or would ya prefer something like guardians?” He asked, seeming to recover from his surprise in a mere second. 

Janus huffed again, shrugging his shoulders, “I guess.” He muttered. Picani nodded, “Alright, foster parents it is. Speakin’ off, they told me quite a bit. I think you’ve riled up some concern in ‘em.”

No shit. Why do you think I'm having therapy?

“And from what they told me it’s understandable. They mentioned multiple mental breakdowns of sorts, anxiety or panic attacks, etc. They also seemed a bit concerned ya might be skipping meals. Any of that anything ya feel like tackling today? If not, that's all good. First sessions are mostly for getting to know each other!” 

Janus shrugged again. Silence fell between them and after just a few seconds it grew suffocating. Janus sucked in a breath, “I don’t know. No. I don’t want to talk about it. Any of it.” 

He didn’t even think they’d noticed the last one. He internally cursed himself, he didn’t need them to have more concerns about him. Picani hummed, “Alright. We can’t avoid it forever, though. It you choose to continue seein’ me we gotta talk about these things. If not me, I strongly recommend you seek another therapist. I was briefly told about your history and those sorts of things need lots of help to ever fully heal.” 

Janus curled tighter in on himself, he hated this. He knew Virgil and Logan would have blabbed but, still , he wished they hadn’t told this guy so much. Even if they only briefly mentioned it. It made sense, really, a therapist had to know to help . But he hated it. He hated the fact that anyone knew. 

Sometimes that included himself. Sometimes it felt easier if he could forget it ever happened.

Picani seemed to pause as if waiting to see if Janus had a response. He didn’t. So the Doctor gave a small smile, “Well, either way, you’re here now. So, if you don’t mind, I have a couple questions! Light, easy and breezy, I promise.” 

Somehow, Janus doubted that. But he let the guy speak anyway. He doubted he could stop him, really. They weren’t lying when they said this guy was full of energy. He could see why Roman liked him. 

“First of all, would you like a fidget toy or a bottle of water? I can go get ya one, and the stim toys are on the coffee table and spread around the room if ya want one.” 

Well that wasn’t what Janus was expecting. What the heck is a stim toy?

“It’s for keeping ya hands busy so you stay stimulated. Some people need that to help them concentrate or such, and when your anxious it’s helpful to have somethin’ to mess with. Overall they’re good to have!” Oh. Had he said that out loud? Well, shit. 

“Why’s it’s called a ‘stim toy’?” Janus asked, actually meaning to say it out loud at that time. Picani hummed, “Short for stimulation. Stims are also a thing, that's when people do motions or sounds to help them get stuff out, ya know. Whether that be stress or happiness! Stuff like flapping hands, or repeating words, rocking, bouncing up and down, etc.” He explained.

Wait, what?  

“Totally normal stuff, although a lot of people are self conscious about doin’ it in public. Some people are nasty about it, world will always have bad apples.” Picani sighed, shaking his head. 

Janus stared at him in shock, “That has a name?” Picani gave him another smile, this one a little sadder, “Sure does. Common in people with autism and ADHD and such.” Janus had no idea that was an actual thing. He’d spent years trying to stop the urge to do random actions and repeat random words. 

“But I don't have either of those.” He pointed out, raising an eyebrow. Picani shrugged lightly, “Perhaps you do and you just never knew it. Or maybe not. Brains work in mysterious ways. And sometimes, if you’re feeling really overwhelmed, anyone could find themselves doing things like pacing around or repeating a specific phrase.”

Janus scoffed lightly to himself. He would have known, surely. Besides, he wasn’t full of energy all the time, far from it, and he’d never struggled with tones, he used sarcasm as a default. He was pretty sure he wasn’t autistic or had ADHD.

It was whatever, this Picani guy’s job was literally to tell you what’s up with your brain, after all. He was going to suggest these sorts of things. Janus was just going to have to deal with it. And after talking to him a bit he’d surely realise he got it wrong anyways. 

“What’s the next question?” He asked. Picani smiled brightly, “Well…” 

Chapter Text

It was a late Sunday morning, and Janus, to his delight, was still curled up warm in bed. The Sanders, bless their unsettlingly kind souls, had told him he didn’t need to get up on weekend mornings as early as usual, as long as he got up to eat before ten thirty.

It was around ten now and Janus couldn’t remember the last time he’d been allowed to stay in bed this late. It was wonderful. Now he’d gotten used to this thing and was getting comfortable actually taking advantage of it, having a bed so comfy and so much bigger than he was used to, plus piled with pillows and an extra blanket, he was in heaven. 

He’d always loved warmth, bundling up in a pile of blankets was the dream, since he was always so damn freezing. His hands were always so cold anytime he accidentally bumped into someone they’d gasp and tell him how freaky cold they were. They shook often, and during the winter they could get so cold they’d start to hurt, making doing any sort of task he needed to use his hands for (i.e everything) very difficult.

But, really, he doubted he’d done his circulation any favours, considering. So this was partly on him. And partly on the world for giving him naturally ice cold hands, since they’d always been like this, they’d just gotten worse. And not even the ice powers to go with them! The audacity. He’d go and live in a castle of isolation on a mountain if he could. 

Ugh. They needed to stop letting Roman pick movies to watch. He only ever picked disney, and Janus could only stand so many coming of age stories about teenage girls.

They watched a movie together every Friday, apparently. And they’d get pizza (Janus could barely stand takeout pizza, too many times he has had to shove it down his throat because there was nothing else to eat. It was cheap and easy, a real go-to option when you're a foster parent who doesn’t care, or a foster kid with no money.) And would sit together on the couch all squished up, it was disgustingly domestic. 

They’d let Janus sit on the armchair and even offered to let him pick the movie, but he declined the offer, not knowing many movies anyways. And he didn’t want to pick something no one wanted to watch, that would be embarrassing. He only really knew kid films, honestly. Not that that really mattered when Roman picked Frozen.

But Janus hadn’t actually seen it before, only heard all about it back in 2013 and 2014, and thought it was insane how far it spread and how popular it was, and how it just kept going for years after, too. It was actually a decent movie, and Roman was muttering the lines under his breath the entire time and neither Virgil nor Logan told him to shut up, so that was a good sign, he supposed.

At this point he had actually had enough time to fully wake up, letting the slow process take all the time it needed as he turned over and rubbed at his eyes. He looked at the clock once more just to double check. Yep. 10:09am. The idea no one had come to yell at him to get up yet was incredible.

He hadn’t been able to convince himself it was safe before now, that it was a trick, they said he could stay in bed but what if they were lying? But then he’d seen Roman not get up until the very last moment of ten thirty and not get into any trouble, only to be tutted gently and told to go straight to the kitchen to eat. 

That was their biggest concern. That they still ate. They didn’t want them up so they could be productive and not be lazy asses or whatever, no no, they just wanted to make sure they were getting a healthy balanced diet or some shit. Absolutely insane. 

Last weekend Roman hadn’t gotten up until 10:40 and he still wasn’t in trouble, they just fussed a little and told him to try and get up earlier since 10:40 was getting late. Roman had only shrugged as he shovelled some toast into his mouth (jamless, Janus noticed, obviously Roman hadn’t found Logan’s hiding spot yet) and chugged some apple juice within five minutes. Making up for lost time, he supposed. It had even gotten a laugh out of Virgil after he’d told Roman to slow down and not choke. 

He sat up, thinking he should probably get up now, since he was no longer feeling that horrible dragged down feeling that made it so difficult. It always felt so incredibly hard to even push himself to sit up. 

He now knew it took a while to go away on its own, since before he’d always had to force himself out of bed anyways and had to deal with almost falling over until the adrenaline kicked in and kept him awake. He’d still rather stay in bed, ( forever) but it didn’t feel so incredibly difficult now he’d had a lie in and given him body time. 

However, before he could drag himself out of bed, there was a knock on the door. He jumped, still wasn’t used to that, and cleared his throat, “I’m getting up i swear-” He called out. He did still have twenty minutes, but… he didn’t want to push it. It was still too early to risk shit. 

“That is good to hear, however it’s not why I am here. May I come in?” He instantly knew it was Logan, just from the speech alone. He paused for a moment, trying to think of any reason Logan couldn’t come in. Nothing. Well, damn. 

“Uh, sure?” He hesitantly answered, unsure of what Logan wanted. The door swung open slowly and Logan stepped into the room, already fully dressed as he was every morning, Janus had no idea how he did it. 

“Good morning, Janus. I am aware it is early, however I have just remembered something I intended to give you, and I wanted to do so in case I forget again.” Logan said, and that’s when Janus noticed he was holding a small rectangular shaped box in his hands.

“Huh?” he said, rubbing at his eyes again, still not quite awake enough to form detailed answers or responses. It was too early for that. That only happened past two pm, and even then it wasn’t guaranteed. 

“Here. This is my old phone. I had noticed your current phone was… ah, less than good quality. I feel it is important for you to have a fully working phone so that we may contact you if needed, and so you may contact us if needed.” 

Janus’ brain was slower than usual and even at his peak moments it took him a long time to process people's words, so it was a solid moment before he even slightly processed what on earth Logan was saying.

The box was offered out to him, a box, presumably, with a phone in it. And if it was in its original packaging, it was a decent one, too. It wasn’t a new model by any means, those things came out lightning fast, but it was ten times newer than his current phone. 

“As i mentioned, this is my old phone, I got a new one recently and it seems only logical to give this one to you instead of selling it and buying a new one. I have completely cleared it and reset it, so it is yours to do whatever you wish. If you need help setting it up I'm happy to oblige.” Logan explained. 

And yet his explanation wasn’t reaching Janus’ ears. He was simply staring in shock, mouth hanging open yet no words coming out. Look, he got that being oddly nice was these guys’ entire thing, but there's a difference between being generally nice and giving someone an entire smartphone. For nothing. He wasn’t their kid, they didn’t owe him shit. 

What the fuck?

“Janus?” He’d been staring too long. He just couldn’t wrap his head around it. No one just… does that. Logan must have wanted something. But what? Why bother taking such a weird route? Maybe… he was giving it to him so Janus would owe him for later. Janus didn’t like the idea of that.

But he couldn’t say no, surely? He could try but what if that just came off as ungrateful? Slowly and unsurely he reached out to take the box, suddenly feeling very vulnerable still sat in a pile of blankets in his bed while Logan stood towering over him, looking scarily put together with his freaky tree height. 

He took in a sharp breath, “Are you sure about this?” The words fell from his mouth before he could really stop them. “Of course.” Logan replied without missing a beat. Janus swallowed.

He lifted the lid off the box, and inside was a perfect looking phone, it could easily pass for brand new. “It is in very good condition. I make it a priority to take care of my belongings, I believe there is a small scratch on the back from where Roman once stole it and dropped it, however.” 

Janus looked up at him, expecting to see annoyance at the least at the reminder of Roman doing something like that, but instead there was a small smile of fondness on his face. He raised an eyebrow. Surely he would have been furious about his foster kid not only stealing his phone, but damaging it? Why was this weirdo smiling? It was…unsettling to say the least.

Logan seemed to notice and cleared his throat, “Ah, he had been trying to rile me up. It was back when we first got him, you see. I was a little annoyed, of course, but I had to remind myself that anger was what he was looking for and to keep myself calm.” 

Janus looked down at the phone in his hand, pausing for a moment as he hesitated. But he couldn’t risk it. “I… what do you want from me?” He said, refusing to move his gaze from staring directly down into the blankets covering his legs.

There was a pause. “...I am unsure what you mean.” Janus scoffed, “Come on, really? No one just… gives something like this to someone, it’s… it’s too much. You must want something. ” 

“I assure you I have no ulterior motives, Janus, I promise you.” 

Could Janus really believe that? Could he risk believing it?  “It is necessary that you have a working phone in this day and age, does your old one still work?” Logan asked, sounding unconvinced already.

Janus shrugged, “Uhm, I mean, sometimes?” He asked meekly, “It… can hold a call… sometimes. Although I haven't really called or had a call from anyone in a while…” He continued, eventually trailing off. 

“I’m sorry, but we need to know we can contact you and vice versa at any given time. Even if you do not wish to use anything else on the phone, it needs to at least be set up and have our numbers on it.” 

Janus sighed, he didn’t want it, it was a dangerous debt. But he didn’t know what else to do, so reluctantly he pulled his knees up to his chest and muttered, “Fine. I’ll keep it.” 

–

Really, Janus didn’t know what possessed him to do it.

It was all a blur, a wave of anger mixed with built up confusion and lack of understanding washing over him and taking over his actions, until the sound of something smashing against the ground had painfully brought him back to the present.

But, really, had he expected to get all the way through this without bursting and lashing out at them at least once? Definitely not, especially not with them being so kind and giving him all those sweet smiles, sometimes those smiles being a little too much, making his skin crawl. He didn’t trust their niceness, it was too misplaced to make sense.

He was a fucked up suicidal kid with something (or many somethings) very obviously wrong in his head, in a multitude of ways. They could easily get away with completely brushing him off, just forgetting about him. Or simply yelling at him and screaming at him, and as long as they didn’t let the school (if said school cared) or the social worker (again, if caring) see, they could get away just as easily with taking their anger out on him psychically. He wouldn’t tell on them. And every foster parent he’d had in the past seemed to know he wouldn’t. Why would these guys be different?

So why on earth were they playing perfect parents in a game of happy home? It didn’t add up. It hadn’t from the beginning and he was pretty damn sure it never would. 

Really, he knew, that’s why he did it. It had all been building up for weeks now, confusion, the bewilderment at their actions, the anger at their pity, all twisting inside him, and this damn phone had pushed him over the edge.

He couldn’t get over it. He tried so hard, but he just couldn’t. He hid it away in one of his drawers, unable to even look at the thing, and was dreading when Logan eventually asked him to put his and Virgil’s phone numbers on it in case they needed to call.
 

Logan.

Janus couldn’t understand what the fuck his thought process was. Any time he entered the room Janus cautiously watched him until he left again. It made dinner that evening a very awkward and tense situation. Janus decided to simply eat as fast as he could and if he dealt with indigestion or feeling ill afterwards, it was worth it to not have to sit across from him at that table any longer. 

He’d said he wanted nothing. But then why bother? It wasn’t a new phone yet it was in such perfect condition and the model was only a few years old, it might as well be a brand new phone that just came out compared to Janus’ old beat up one. 

No one gave away something like that with no other intention. Human beings are selfish and greedy, it’s human nature, and you could be the nicest person to walk this planet and still have ulterior motives when giving people things. 

And yet… nothing. He never asked nor hinted at anything, he didn’t have that awful smug look on his face Janus usually saw when he ‘owed’ someone for something, he was… completely normal. But maybe it was just a trick and he’d eventually pull it out of nowhere and say Janus owed him, and then what? Did Janus fight back and say he’d promised there were no other motives? No one had promised him that before. No one ever really made promises that weren’t threats.

It had been slowly getting more and more intense, until that evening, when he finally couldn’t stand it anymore. It was such a small thing that made him snap in the end. Wasn’t it always the smallest of things? 

They were watching a new movie that had come out recently, another Disney one, and Virgil and Roman were in the kitchen making popcorn, (Roman was probably grabbing other snacks, too.) meaning he was alone in the living room with Logan. 

Janus wasn’t keen on being alone with Logan right then, but he also wasn’t sure how exactly he was going to get over this. He couldn’t stay hating being even in the same room as the guy for the next few months.

The movie was paused right at the beginning on the screen and Logan was sitting on the end of the couch, sitting up weirdly straight, (Janus was pretty sure he was incapable of slouching) looking at something on his phone with concentration. Janus was the opposite, a tightly curled up, twitchy and unstable mess on the armchair across him from. Logan’s phone did look very new, but from what Janus knew about his job Logan did something techy, so he supposed he needed the newest technology or something.

And then Logan looked up, maybe Janus had been staring too long, and asked in an unaccusing, casual (or as casual as this guy gets) tone, “Ah, Janus, I had meant to ask you. Have you been using your new phone? I wanted to ask if you needed help with setting it up, and Virgil really wanted to make sure you had a way to contact us.” 

And…. and he was just asking, and he was just being nice, but… no! Janus couldn’t stand it! He couldn’t understand this, couldn’t just sit here and wait for something bad to happen. It was already so painful, sitting here, wondering when his time was up. It was so terrifying not to know what people’s intentions were and he hated how good these two were at hiding it! He couldn’t understand them for a second and it was driving him insane.

At this point– At this point he might as well make them mad on purpose. Just to see. Just so he can know. He needs to know how much danger he’s in. He can’t take not knowing anymore!

“Janus? Is something wrong?”

Everything up until that point, everything from the past weeks he hadn't had the chance to let out, had been building up like a recipe for disaster that was boiling up inside him, and out of nowhere it all hit him like a rush, a sudden and harsh wave of anger . Was something wrong? Was something wrong? Something was ALWAYS wrong! 

It was such a simple question and yet, before he knew it, he was up from the chair, and je was yelling, “Oh, you’d like to fucking know wouldn’t you?” He spat, his shoulders tight and tense, “I can’t fucking STAND THIS! Stop pretending you’re just being nice! STOP! I can’t take it! ” 

“Janus–”

Logan, he still sounded calm, albeit a little taken aback. But calm. Too calm . 

“ NO. You can’t do this again! You can’t sit there and b-be all calm and- No. No! I’m not going to let you talk me out of this again! I want an explanation! What the fuck is wrong with you people? This stupid phone? It’s a trick, I know it is! A debt or something! Just tell me what you WANT!” 

By now the others must have heard the yelling. But the doorway remained empty. That was until Janus realised, with a flash and blur of a movement, Logan had gotten up and silently closed the door. 

And for a moment, he froze. 

“Janus. Perhaps I should have approached this situation differently, or explained further, and for that I apologise. However, I meant it when I said I had no ulterior motives. It was simply convenient timing. I happened to get a new phone and had my old one, which I was going to sell. However this made more sense. That is all. I promise you.”
 

And within a second the blinding rage was back, there they go again with these empty promises! He snarle d, “ Stop making PROMISES! They don’t mean anything to me! I have no reason to trust you!” Tears were building up in his eyes but they didn’t fall. They never fell. 

“I… well i understand, trust takes time–”

“Stop it! STOP!” He screamed, “What do I have to do to get you to quit the bullshit act?! How far do I have to go to make you mad? ! You’re just people, and i’m a fucking annoying kid, you’ll break eventually!” A dry, humourless and twisted laugh left his mouth. “Why just get it over with?” He said, voice dipping into a quiet, defeated tone. 

There was a sigh, “I’m… sorry you feel that way. Truly I am. We’ve spent a long time working on how to divert our emotions from reactions of anger, not only because we wanted to foster, but for our own lives and for each other, as well. Although we are still simply people and get angry sometimes, our anger towards you would never lead to psychical consequences. That is not, nor will it ever be, a thing in this household.” 

The room fell silent. And for a moment, staring at the ground, trying to hold back the few stray tears of frustration from falling, Janus was almost done. Until… 

“There’s nothing you could do that would make us so angry we’d be blinded by rage. You are a person dealing with your own struggles and difficult emotions and hurting you would only make it worse, it would be simply illogical.” 

And… something inside him broke. Because… because why would so many people in the past have hurt him when he’d always been like this? How many times had he had to scream before, about how he wished he were gone, how he wished he were dead, and yet still have people's responses telling him to shut up and get over it? To stop being dramatic? Tell him to go fucking get it over with, then.

That’d never stopped them before. He’d had that stupid scar on his face since he was a kid and no one ever stopped to wonder if he’d been through enough already. No one stopped to think about how hurting him wasn’t going to help. Because no one cared.

No one cared.

Not even his fucking parents cared (she did– no, she didn’t-) and neither did he. He’d been so focused on self preservation when he was younger, fighting his way through rough homes in the system and dodgy situations, always keeping himself first and himself safe. And then it all crumbled down so fast and he couldn’t stand living anymore. 

Clearly that wasn’t the logical solution. Because he couldn’t think of a day for the past god knows how many years he hadn’t been feeling phantom pains grabbing at him and the sounds of voices taunting him in his head, the constant exhaustion dragging him down. Fear of them and anger at them for what they’d done, all twisted together in a way that made it so sometimes he couldn’t even tell the difference. Not a single day when he hadn’t wished he was dead.

And until now, no one had stopped to think if they should be doing what they were and breaking him even further. Because they didn’t FUCKING CARE.

And yet, here he was. Standing in front of one of the two people who were the first to ever tell him that everything that had happened to him was wrong . And it had been so many years of it all… he couldn’t bring himself to believe it.

He couldn’t think clearly, couldn’t even entertain the idea, that this man, these people   who he’d only known for barely a month, cared about him. Even a little. Let alone that much. 

It just couldn’t be true. 

“You’re lying.” He whispered. 

The room remained silent for a good minute.

“...I’m lying?” 

He gripped his arms around him tightly, “You’re lying. Because you… you can’t just magically be different than any other person i’ve ever met. People aren’t just… immune to anger. You can’t just be the only person who’s ever cared . You don’t even know me!  I… What if I just started breaking things, huh? Then what?” 

He took a step forward, anger starting to building up again, “What if i threw this stupid phone at the wall? Then you’d be pissed, huh? What if I stole from you? How do you know I haven't stolen from you?” 

“Well, i doubt–”

Janus cut him off without a second thought, “No, no no. No! What if I just start refusing to do anything you tell me? Run off after school everyday? I could push my desk up against my door so you couldn’t get in, then what?” It was a low blow, but the words fell out of his mouth before he could think about what he was saying, “You wouldn’t know what I was doing. Since you always need to know what i’m fucking doing, right? So you know I'm not dead! ”

He took in a deep, shaky breath as he took another stomping step forward, “I could smash any of these windows if I wanted, you know. Wouldn’t be hard to find something to throw at them! Really, you don’t fucking know what i can do, do you? You have no idea. You don’t know what I've done in the past and gotten away with. You’re really going to promise you would never get so mad when you don’t even know what I could do ?!” 

“Because–”

“Because what?! What can justify that?! For all you know I could make your lives a living HELL! ” 

“Janus–” 

“NO! Fuck this! I’m not going to sit here and let you lie to me! Not mad, huh? Not even right now? When I'm yelling at you? Not enough huh? What do I have to DO ?” 

And that’s when it all started to become a slow blur. He was yelling, so frustrated and yet so distraught at the same time, because how dare Logan say something like that to him, as if it were so simple. As if it were obvious not to hurt someone who’s already begging on their knees. 

And as he’d been moving forward, he’d been moving closer to the small side table next to the armchair, which held a small lamp. And he was already moving his arms around, he’d never been able to keep his hands still when he was feeling any sort of strong emotion, and as he his hand grazed the lamp shade, it struck him.

“You’re telling me you won’t be mad if i TRASH your house?!”

And before he knew it, he’d grabbed the lamp, yelling loudly, “ What if I just start SMASHING THINGS?!”

And the sound of the ceramic crashing and the lightbulb becoming pieces on the hardwood floors filled the room like a gunshot and echoed until complete silence fell upon them. 

He’d never felt the rush of anger leaving his body so fast in his life.  

His hands shook violently as he looked down at what he’d just done. The room was so silent and yet his head was so loud with screams . He’d fucked up. He’d fucked so badly. Oh god. Oh SHIT-

The pieces of the now broken lamp laid on the ground, taunting him, he refused to look up, knowing he’d just absolutely fucked it up. He’s such an idiot. Why did he have to provoke them?

He felt himself start to shake, why, why did he have to prove they’d get mad at him? Now his dumb ass had to deal with the  consequences.

… At least he’d be proven correct, right? A small victory…

He swallowed, looking down at his shaky hands. 

“Janus, stay there. Do not move.” 

He wasn’t going to. Not even an inch. He stood rigid in his spot, head and heart pounding, eyes blurry, the urge to run and hide was there but he couldn’t. He’d get into even more trouble. And he couldn’t risk that. 

He heard whispering in the background but still couldn’t move his head to look up. He was frozen in place. Maybe… maybe it was best he got this over with. They were still forgiving most of the time, right? He could go through his stay here without breaking things, he’d be safe. But what if they changed their minds after this? What if after the first break, chipping away at them only got easier and easier, the annoyances getting smaller and smaller until…

“Janus, please step back.” He jumped, when had Logan come back? He blinked furiously, trying to clear his vision so he could properly see. Things were still blurry but he could make out Logan, crouched on the ground? Holding… something? 

He stepped back as instructed, and when he heard a sweeping sound that’s when he realised Logan was cleaning up the broken lamp. He wasn’t yelling or threatening or hitting, he was… cleaning up the mess. 

Janus almost choked on his own voice when he tried to speak, “I… w-why are you cleaning it up?” He asked, voice so quiet it was almost a whisper. Logan glanced up at him for a moment, “It is dangerous to leave shards like this lying around, someone is inevitably going to get hurt. It only makes sense to clean them up first.” He said before going back to carefully collecting the pieces. 

Janus furrowed his brows, well, that made sense, but why not simply get Virgil to clean it up or just take Janus into another room? Or get Janus to do it, he should be cleaning it, it’s his mess. Were they still, even then, not going to risk him touching anything sharp? Was that still a concern even at this moment? 

Surely not. 

He’d just purposely broken their things. He was shocked no one had struck him yet. He wasn’t sure where Virgil was but surely he wouldn’t be happy when he found out what Janus had done, and he was the forgiving one. He couldn’t imagine how pissed off Logan was or how much he was really regretting his words.

Eventually Logan stood back up (Just him standing back up had made Janus violently flinch), placing the dust pan now full of sharp broken shards on the coffee table as he dusted himself off. Janus clenched his hands into tight fists. This was it. 

He squeezed his eyes shut, expecting a blow to come. He wasn’t sure what kind, really. He’d never been hit by them before, he wasn’t sure what they’d do. But… no such blow ever came. He only heard Logan clearing his throat. Confused, Janus cautiously opened his eyes again. Was he… forgetting something, somehow? He was pretty sure this was the part where he got the shit beat out of him. 

“I meant it when I said I wouldn't ever hurt you, you know. This situation does, of course, need to be talked about… but later, when we all have clearer heads. Not now.” Logan said, still sounding oddly calm, but it did feel a little more… forced.

Janus took in a slow, shaky breath, trying to process what he was saying. “Does… that mean… can.. can i go?” He asked, unsure, but the idea of escaping to his room right now sounded wonderful. Anything to not be here. 

Logan nodded, “Yes. We will still check on you, however, as I said, we need to take some time, and will discuss this later.” And before he was even barely done talking, Janus was out of the room, rushing to get upstairs as fast as he could. 

He slammed his bedroom door shut behind him, sliding his back down it as he crumpled into the floor. Fuck.

Chapter Text

The broken shards of ceramic fell into the bin with a clank . Logan let out a slow breath. 

Things like this weren’t to be unexpected. When someone has been repeatedly hurt over and over again, naturally their trust grows to be practically non-existent, and being put in a situation where you’re meant to trust a newfound safety, well… once a brain has gone into pure survival mode, it’s hard to undo it. 

Pushing until you find the boundaries, even if it ends in you dealing with the consequences, is better than not knowing. Which was a disheartening thought, to say the least. 

The lamp wasn’t important. It was simply a plain lamp, nothing expensive or sentimental, it held no significant value. Luckily. It would have been a much more difficult situation to deal with if it was an important item. However this was far from something to be ignored.

They’d had similar incidents with Roman, he’d been just as convinced their promises were fake. It took time, a lot of it. Promising over and over and keeping them. Logan could have stopped it before it escalated so far, but it wouldn’t have made a difference. 

If at any point he got too close when Janus was so worked up something was bound to go wrong. He wasn’t thinking straight and had Logan at any point moved closer he would go into fight or flight, and considering how he’d ended up acting, it seemed there was a good chance Logan ended up with a lamp thrown at him. 

He’d rather it was at the floor than at his face, thank you very much. 

He didn’t blame Janus, of course. Even the little information given on his file and told by the social worker was enough to make them realise what he’d been through. And he knew for a fact there was worse, considering things Roman had told them they never found out from his file. 

He couldn’t imagine what horrors he’d been through they had no idea about. And he didn’t particularly want to imagine them, either. 

He took in a slow breath and he put the dustpan and brush away. He glanced up and looked around the kitchen. Abandoned on the counter was a bowl of popcorn. The yelling and loud smashing of ceramic against the ground put everyone on edge, mostly Roman (Aside from Janus himself), understandably. 

It didn’t exactly bring up good memories for the poor kid. Once Janus had escaped upstairs Logan went back into the kitchen to check on his husband and son, he’d found Roman being gently hushed and reassured in Virgil’s arms. A twist of guilt churned in his stomach at causing them distress, since he could see the look of discomfort on Virgil’s face, also.

He knew he hadn’t been the one to yell or to break anything but he still felt a guilt for being the reason Janus lost control in the first place. No one was truly the ‘bad guy’ in a situation like this, and placing blame didn’t help anyone. He knew that, it took a few deep breaths and a moment to recollect his thoughts to remember and reassure himself, but he knew that. 

Currently Roman and Virgil were in the living room, Roman still held close in Virgil’s arms as the movie played on low volume. Logan stood still, pausing for a moment as he realised he wasn’t sure what to do next.

Janus needed time, but leaving him for too long without checking in on him could be dangerous. While they had taken away any obvious things that could harm him, the troubled mind tended to find any way in moments of desperation. 

Not to mention, something else that was worrying him, words Janus had spoken during the outburst that had stuck with him. 

“ I could push my desk up against my door so you couldn’t get in, then what? You wouldn’t know what i was doing. Since you always need to know what i’m fucking doing, right? So you know i’m not DEAD!”

He winced. 

On the other hand, while he knew Virgil could calm Roman down, Roman might need reassurance from Logan himself that everything was alright. While they would have been able to hear that it was Janus yelling and not Logan, if the disturbance had sent Roman back to an unpleasant time….

Well, Logan had come out of the living room sleeves pushed half way up ceramic dust covered arms, with the dust also all over his shirt and with his fists clenched. And most likely not the calmest look on his face. Overall not the most affirming “everything is fine” look.

He ran a hand through his hair with a sigh. Along with that, Virgil would most likely be a better candidate to try and talk to Janus at that moment. He was always better at keeping himself together. Well, in a frustration sense, he certainly panicked a lot faster than Logan did, but that’s why they learned to balance each other out. But they still both had their strengths in different situations.

Deciding a course of action, he dusted himself off and took another moment to compose himself, and quickly grabbed the bowl of popcorn off the counter, before leaving the kitchen and going down the hall to the living room. The movie was playing, a soft laugh coming from the couch as a joke was made on screen.

He cleared his throat and instantly heard shuffling as two faces turned to peer at him. He tried to give a reassuring smile, although specific facial expressions had never been his speciality. 

“Everything has been disposed of and cleaned up. We might have to invest in a new lamp, but other than that, the situation, or at least the immediate danger of accidentally cutting ones self, is dealt with.”

Virgil smiled and nodded at him, “That’s good to hear. What about Janus?” Logan sighed, “I’m not sure. I want to give him time to calm down, but I'm afraid to leave it too long.” 

Virgil’s smile fell, “That’s the issue, isn’t it?… I guess one of us has to go up there sometime soon.” He said, looking down and scrunching up his face as if in deep thought. Logan gave a hum in response, walking around to be in view of the front of the couch.

“Here. You left this in the kitchen, I thought you might want it with your movie.” He said, trying his best to sound gentle as he offered the bowl out to a curled up Roman.

Roman hesitated a moment, but only a brief moment before he reached out and took the bright red bowl. “Thanks.” He mumbled. Logan internally sighed in relief. Thank goodness he bounced back so much faster these days. It never stopped hurting to see the look of fear on their faces.

He crouched down in front of Roman, “I’m sorry about all the commotion. But I promise everything is alright. Or at least, it will be. We’ll get through this. Just like we always do.” 

Roman gave a small slightly wobbly smile, “I know.” He said quietly. Just from how reserved he was being, so drastically different to his usual energetic and loud self, was enough for Logan to know this really had affected him. But he couldn’t fix it in an instant. All he could do was be there for Roman, and give him the time he needed.

He stood back up, glancing over to his husband, “One of us needs to go, on the one hand I wouldn't want you to have to leave Roman right now, but on the other I do not think I will be able to get through to Janus right now, and will most likely panic him more.” 

Virgil let out a breath, “Yeah, I know.” He turned to Roman, “You alright if i go upstairs and make sure Janus is okay, bud?” Roman nodded, “Yeah. Go make sure the depressed mop isn’t brooding too hard.” 

Virgil smiled and placed a quick kiss on Roman’s forehead before standing up, “Alright. It might be a little while, since I don't fully know what happened, although I heard most of it… but I'll take my time with him.” 

He pressed a kiss to his husband’s cheek before making his way out into the hall and up the stairs. He was sure Roman would be okay, and if he still needed more hugs when Virgil came back he was happy to provide. Most people would think he was absolutely not the touchy type, and he really wasn’t for most people. But when it comes to those he cares about he’d always found the best way to calm himself and others down was just to hold them. Hearing a heartbeat and steady breathing of another person can do wonders for anxiety.

He tried to think of a plan as he slowly made his way up the steps. Well, one was to make sure Janus was the basic level of okay. I.E, safe. Which was something he wished he didn’t have to do, but it was necessary. 

He knocked on the bedroom door. He wouldn’t enter, not unless he didn’t get a response and felt like he needed too. He didn’t get one. He sucked in a sharp breath.

“Janus? It’s me, Virgil. I know you need some time right now, but we need to know you’re okay. Obviously you’re not okay, but on a physical level I mean.” He said, knocking gently again.

Still nothing.

He shook his head, don’t panic. “Okay. I know you probably don’t want to talk right now but I need a sign that you’re okay, yeah? Doesn’t have to be words, you can knock back or something like that. Just a sign you’re alright.” 

He waited with baited breath until he heard shuffling and a barely audible soft singular knock on the other side of the door. He let out a breath of relief. 

“Thank you. I won’t come in, not without your permission, as long as I know you’re safe.” 

He took a moment, waiting just in case there was some other kind of response Janus wanted to give. Nothing. He took in a slow breath and lowered himself down to sit on the floor, leaning against the wall. 

He thought for a moment. Now he at least knew Janus was safe, but he couldn’t just leave the kid alone like this. He needed to say something.

Suddenly a memory popped into his head. And with nothing better he could think of, he took in a breath and started talking.

“You know, when Roman first came to live with us, he was the most shy kid you’ve ever seen in your life. Sounds insane, right? I mean, you and I both know he’s the total opposite of shy. But back then, we didn’t think too much of it. Thought he was just a shy kid. Wasn’t until he started blurting random things out or gasping or loudly exclaiming when he got excited, only to instantly recoil back and cover his mouth with a look of horror, we realised that it actually wasn’t just how his personality was.” 

“And we’d later find out his personality was as different as could be. Bold and seemingly on a constant sugar rush, loud and unashamed. Well, he has his moments of course. No one is full of energy all the time, but you know how he is. How you’ve got to know him. But for the first good few months, he didn’t show his true personality at all.”

He paused his story for a moment as he heard shuffling around inside, but it quickly fell silent again, so he continued, “And the reason he was acting so out of character was because he’d spent so many years being told to shut up, and to stop having so much energy and moving constantly, and to learn how to keep quiet.” A bit of bitterness seeped into his tone, but he tried his best to keep his voice even and keep telling the story. 

“We didn’t even realise how bad it was, until one day, we decided to take him out to see a new movie that came out, we were still trying to bond with him and show him we were willing to spend our time and money on him back then, see. And he was struggling to sit still the whole time. And someone behind him told him to quit moving around.”

A flair of anger rose up at the memory, he didn’t understand how some strangers had the audacity to tell people things like that, but he pushed it down. “And we had to leave. Why? Because he broke down. Right then and there.”

He heard a small noise of surprise. “Because for weeks he’d been struggling with trying to understand why we were being so nice to him, and why we were doing all these things for him, because no one had ever done that before.”

“And it had been building up for so long, so long without the constant complaining and annoyance he was used to, that one remark was enough to send him spiralling. He yelled at us, screamed at us about how he didn’t understand why we weren’t like the rest.”

He sighed softly, “And we couldn’t do anything but give him all the time he needed to realise our promises weren’t empty or fake, and that we were never going to do what others had done or treat him like others had treated him.”

He finished his story, it wasn’t really part of his plan to tell the whole tale of one of the many times something along these lines had happened, but he hoped it would help reassure the poor kid that this didn’t mean it was the end of the line for him.

“Weren’t you mad? T-that he made such a scene in public?” A rough sounding slightly stuttery voice came from behind the door. Virgil hummed, “Well of course we weren’t expecting it, and i said we had to leave but even if we weren’t already leaving, i think they would have kicked us out.” He chuckled lightly. “But ‘mad’ isn’t the right word. We weren’t angry. We were concerned. A little embarrassed, but nowhere near enough to outweigh our worry.” 

“But embarrassed. Even if you were worried, after he was fine, surely you got at least somewhat annoyed, ri- right?” 

“As I said, we’re not like other people. The kinds of people you and others like Roman have been dealing with your entire lives are not the kinds of people me and Logan would ever want to be.” Was all he said in response. Sometimes a flat “no” isn’t enough. Because what they needed wasn’t to hear that they weren’t annoyed or mad, it was that when they were annoyed or mad, they weren’t going to get hurt.  

And that would never stop being so painful to have to reassure that to an innocent kid. 

There was no response. At least he thought there wasn’t, until after a solid minute of silence he heard, “...But this is different. I broke something. And- and it’s not like I have any money to pay you back. You should be furious at me.” 

Virgil paused for a moment, thinking about how to reply. But before he could Janus was speaking again, a hint of desperation seeping in this voice, “And- and i yelled and screamed on top of that. And there wasn’t even anything that should have pushed me over the edge! Logan was just trying to be nice!” 

“People don’t have breakdowns like that for no reason. Something must have set you off. Trust me. This isn’t unjustified, even if you don’t know what it was.” Virgil said, firm but still trying to keep his tone gentle and light. 

He heard a shaky breath from the other side, “I… maybe… maybe it was just… in the moment… I was thinking or seeing clearly and I just…” He trailed off but Virgil stayed quiet, letting him decide whether he wanted to continue or not. 

“Tall. Stoic. Blunt. Neat and Tidy, or at least it seems that way to most. Cold.” Virgil wasn’t sure where Janus was going with this, but he kept listening anyway, “I guess… a lot of things about him remind me of my father. Which is weird, considering I haven't seen the guy since I was about eight. But… I guess some things stick with you.” He said, voice shaky. 

Virgil opened his mouth to respond but no words came out. He… had vaguely expected something like this.

“And it’s not just him. You, sometimes… remind me of my mother. Which might sound weird, but… she… I don't know. With Roman, you’re… all lovey and caring, I've seen you hugging him and giving him forehead kisses and shit. She was like that, sometimes… but… the moments never lasted as long as i wanted them too.” Janus said, voice dipping so low it was practically a whisper.

“Oh, Janus…” Virgil replied, voice soft as he was unsure how else to respond. He heard a sniffle. 

“I don’t want you guys to get your shit in a twist or whatever over it. It’s not your fault. I just… I can barely believe you guys aren’t about to beat the shit out of me sometimes, let alone when I'm struggling with feeling like you might be someone else who I know-” He cut himself off as he choked on his own voice. 

“I know, I know. It’s okay. Hey listen, can you do something for me? If you do, I'll leave you alone for a while, yeah?” Virgil requested. He heard another sniffle, “What is it…?”

“Can you grab the weighted blanket you have in there? Sit on the bed or floor or wherever just use it, please. Grab the markers if you need something to release or maybe mess with some of the fidget toys. You can grab the grounding toy too.” 

He heard some shuffling around, “What grounding toy?” He smiled and let out a short laugh, “The cat, silly. What did you think it was?” 

After a moment he heard an “Oh.” He chuckled. “I thought it was a patronising thing or something.” Virgil huffed, “Never. Sally is a wonderful companion and she does a very important job.” 

He heard a dry laugh, “Sally? Wait, was it… yours?” Virgil hummed, “Yeah, she’s not super old or anything. I’m just not ashamed to have things that are helpful to me, like grounding objects, especially if they come in the form of cute cats. Well, Logan got her for me, actually. But still.” 

“Then… Why give it to me?” He heard. He shrugged to himself despite knowing the other couldn’t see it, “Because you needed it more. Now, you got yourself settled? Maybe watch some youtube to pass the time.” 

“Yeah… thanks.” 

He smiled, “No problem, kid. I’ll be back to check on you in a while.” With that he pulled himself up off the floor and made his way back downstairs.

On the other side of the bedroom door, Janus held the small cat plush (what kind of a name was Sally, anyways?) in his hands. With a sudden jolt hitting him out of nowhere, he squeezed it tight in his hand. 

He took a few very breaths in and out. It wasn’t over. He knew it wasn’t. Never so quickly and easily could a situation like this be smoothed out. But he pulled the blanket closer around himself and kept repeating Virgil’s reassuring words in his mind.

He’d make it through this. 

Chapter Text

Janus had to admit, the last therapy session hadn’t been quite as bad as it could have been. He supposed . It wasn’t god awful. Well. Really, that just meant that at least it didn’t end in a breakdown. 

But he supposed the therapist wasn’t the worst. Dr. Picani was… interesting, to say the least. Very… animated. Like one of the cartoon characters that covered his walls and shelves. He moved his arms and hands around a lot when talking which Janus most definitely did not ever flinch at. At all.

But overall, despite Dr. Picani himself reassuring the first session was merely a first meeting and a way to start to get to know each other, Janus already had a stubborn feeling that this whole therapy thing was not going to help him.

So when it was time for him to go to the second session, he was less than pleased about it. He didn’t want to argue too much as they set out for the therapist’s office, prepared to stop as soon as he heard the first “stop being difficult”, not wanting to push it.

But that didn’t happen, the entire car ride he kept (carefully) arguing against going and all he received was repeated reasons why it would help him. Which, quite frankly, was starting to get on his nerves. 

He pointed out an issue, why it was a waste and why he wasn’t helpable, in return he’d get “it’s not a waste if it’s helping you” and “if you’re willing to try you can be helped”. He was starting to consider jumping out of the moving car and taking his chances. Actually screw that he hoped it killed him.

By the time they got there, he was honestly thinking about turning and running away at that moment out of pure spite. He could get out of the car and run much faster than these two could keep up. He wouldn’t, because, well, they were right next to a building in which they could go in, say he’d ran off and they’d have the entire police force hunting him down in a second. He imagined a therapy office saying a patient had run off didn’t come off sounding all that great. 

But he was thinking about it. He could become a thief and live on the streets. Or maybe walk into the road and get run over. Become one with the poor creatures that had become roadkill. 

He paused for a moment before moving to get out of the car. He could simply refuse, right here right now. But there was a chance they’d just drag him out of the car kicking and screaming, and that would also look pretty bad in front of a literal therapist’s office. 

He must have lingered long enough that it was noticeable, however, as he heard a “Janus?” from the front seat. He looked up and met the eyes of both foster parents looking at him with concern. 

He heard a soft sigh as he ducked his head down and looked away again, “Look bud i know you don’t want to do this but you’ve gotta keep trying. A few more sessions with Picani and if you really don’t like him we can switch, okay?” 

Dr. Picani himself wasn’t the issue. I mean Janus wasn’t exactly fond of the guy but it wasn’t about that. It was just about therapy itself. The last thing he wanted to do was open up to a stranger about all the things wrong with him. 

The poor guy didn’t deserve that, anyways.

But he knew arguing would get him nowhere. Logan and Virgil were insistent he do this and although they were willing to let him try a few different therapists, they weren’t budging on the therapy itself. 

So he had to suck it up, huff out a breath with his arms folded against his chest and reluctantly get out of the car, pouting like the angsty teen he was. 

As he stood for a moment that felt like an eternity waiting for the two old men (seriously how long does it take to get out of a car?) to get out the vehicle, his eyes wandered and caught the building next door. It was a pharmacy, haha, he rolled his eyes as he internally thought how kind of them it was to strategically place the two next to each other.

Guess you only had to go next door to grab your prescription of crazy person pills. 

He jumped as he felt a hand on his shoulder, flinching back and instantly going into fight or flight. “My apologies, I didn't mean to startle you. I noticed you seemed to be ‘spaced out’ as it was.” He let out a slow breath of relief as he realised it was only Logan. Only Logan. Right.

His heart was still thumping like no one’s business, but really, when wasn’t it? He found himself gripping his sleeve tightly under his crossed arms as they walked into the office. He'd been here before but that didn’t make the place any more welcoming. He’d rather be almost anywhere else right then. Almost. 

His last session had been on a weekday, so he’d only had one foster parent with him, and having them both here was honestly making it worse. They were talking quietly to each other as they waited and it was just quiet enough he couldn’t make out what they were saying and it was driving him crazy.

Were they whispering about how much was wrong with him? Wondering what the therapist would say? He was pretty sure therapists weren’t allowed to tell anyone what you said in a session, but how did he know this Picani guy was gonna stick to that rule? He was also pretty sure if he said anything too concerning he had to tell them anyway since he was under 18. 

His stomach churned and he wanted to slide off the surprisingly comfy plush waiting room chair he was sitting on and sink into the floor, disappearing into the void forever. Wouldn’t that be nice.

Finally he was called into the office and the reassuring smiles and wishes of good luck before he went in did nothing to help him and only made him want to vomit. He’d felt worse last time though, he supposed that was an improvement. 

“Howdy there! Nice to see ya again! Did ya miss me?” Picani asked with a big smile as he walked in. Janus huffed a laugh, “Sure sure, of course. Why wouldn’t i?” He replied, sarcasm dripping from his tone.

But Picani only continued to smile as he plopped down across from him, “Well I've had worse responses!” He said, still weirdly enthusiastic given what he’d just said. Janus raised an eyebrow at him.

The doctor flipped open his notebook and hummed as he looked through a few pages, “Ah yes, here we are. Not much was written down last time but it's always good to have it!” He nodded to himself.

“Alrighty. So we got a few things out in the air but if it’s alright with you I'd like to go into more details today. There’s a few things i’d like’ta tackle so i’ll ask you what ya’d prefer.” 

Janus shrugged, “Alright, sure i guess. What fucked up thing you wanna hear about? I promise no answers.” Dr. Picani smiled, a hint of sadness behind it but Janus didn’t bother overthinking it. For once. If only he could simply not overthink everything else like that…

“Well some things are more immediate concerns, like the tricky eatin’ habits mentioned last time. How’s that been?” Picani asked. Janus shuffled in his seat, eyes trained on the carpeted floor.

“It’s… better. It’s more of a cycle, I guess? And it’s going back to normal now so I can eat pretty much alright again. But Logan and Virgil refused to not let me eat so I had a bit of a difficult time. I threw up a few times which made them start freaking the hell out, even when I told them that’s just what happens when I force myself to eat when my body says no.” 

Picani hummed, lips in a tight straight line. Did that mean he was unhappy with what Janus said? What did the guy expect? He’d asked a question which most likely had a less than happy answer.  “Do you know what causes this cycle, as you put it?” He asked. Janus stiffened, that was the part he didn’t really want to talk about. Maybe he could… scoot around it. No details needed, right?

“Uhm, I guess it’s just… past bullshit. Ya know like, not having access to food sometimes so my body… got used to it i guess. And it’s having a hard time readjusting.” He shrugged. 

Dr. Picani nodded, “I see. Well while our bodies do adjust to things like lack of food, going a long time without causes issues when you start eatin’ again, it’s not usually so much in a specific cycle like you mentioned. That’d be ya brain. If the original cause of the issue was in a cycle like that, even if ya logically know and feel that your brain is aware food is safe and available to you, that doesn’t mean the entirety of your brain has realised that yet. ‘Cause it got so used to this repeat in the first place.” 

Janus took a moment to process the therapist’s words. He had a fairly strong accent which meant he took a little longer than usual as well but eventually it clicked. “I… guess so? But then why would I psychically react if it’s my brain and not my body?” He questioned. 

Picani chuckled lightly, “Ya brain controls ya body, bud! If ya brain is saying no, your body also is sayin’ no. Even if they both know ya need food. It can get complicated but when your brain’s tryin’ to protect you, it’ll go to some real extreme lengths.” 

Janus relaxed slightly, rubbing a hand up and down his arm, pausing as a small cube with a bunch of buttons and stuff on it was offered out to him, “I guess that makes sense. Is there any way to… fix it? Forget me, I don't think Logan and Virgil can survive another week like that.” He laughed dryly, looking down at the weird cube in his hands. Was this one of the fidget toys? Huh. He messed with a few of the buttons and things that clicked or spun around. It was pretty entertaining actually. 

Picani hummed once more, “Well, mostly it’s time.” Janus groaned, “Why does everything need time? I know people are always saying it goes so fast but clearly it doesn’t go fast enough for my problems to fix themselves.” He huffed.

Picani laughed, “Unfortunately time is what the brain needs for a lotta’ things. Although until your brain can rewire itself and realise ya no longer need to worry about things like food, I suggest handling these dips by eating less but still eating as much as you can without literally makin’ you vomit. Mostly try eating foods you find comfort in so they go down easier. Doesn’t matter if it’s unhealthy, ya can worry about a proper diet when you feel safe enough to eat with no problems.” 

Janus slowly nodded, “Makes sense. But what if Virgil and Logan don’t like that? Like I don't really know what food I find comfort in or whatever but I mean junk food is always more appealing, surely they won’t let me just eat crap for a week, especially if i'm still not eating a normal amount?” 

“Explain why, I'm sure they’ll understand. Or if ya want i can tell ‘em. Therapist’s recommendation!” Picani said with a grin. Janus snorted, “The best way to get away with shit. My therapist told me too.” 

“Well I certainly don’t recommend things I don't think will genuinely help my patients!” Picani said, hand on his chest in dramatic offence. Janus didn’t think he’d ever find himself laughing with the damn therapist yet here he was. Maybe Roman was onto something with this guy.

–

Things had been slowly getting less tense in the house as everyone slowly moved on from the lamp incident. Janus still wasn’t convinced they weren’t going to spring a punishment on him out of nowhere, even though they hadn’t said anything yet.

After all he did at least five things he would have gotten the shit beat out of him for in the past in one go. He expected them to finally snap. And yet…. nothing. 

Well they’d said that it wasn’t acceptable behaviour and asked him to apologise but other than that, nothing. No locking him in his room or restricting him from things, there wasn’t even yelling when it happened and yet there still wasn’t after. And no one had even looked remotely mad enough to hit him. They hadn’t even taken away his phone or grounded him or whatever. Literally nothing. 

They’d been asking him to sit in the living room with one of them or with Roman or even if he was alone just so they could easily keep an eye on him as they walked past a lot more often, but even so they hadn’t fully banned him from being alone in his room.

At this point he was barely mad about the obvious pity over how bewildered he was over the situation. He’d never stop being so utterly confused at these people’s way of living. 

He’d also been getting used to the new school, finally. It took a lot of time to get used to having all the teachers watching him like a hawk and having kids whisper about him when he walked past. Since rumours had already started about why the teachers paid so much attention to him, and it got worse when people started to notice he wasn’t allowed to do stuff like use scissors or even sharpen his own damn pencil. 

It felt very high-school movie cliche to have people literally whispering about him in the halls. The only thing making it feel more real was when people started yelling things out to him as he walked past calling him a crazy and a psycho and telling him to go finish the job. Nothing more realistic about teenagers than them being absolutely terrible people. 

Having an actual friend group to hang around was the most novel part. He didn’t think he’d had an actual solid group of friends… ever. Maybe when he was in preschool. He didn’t think that counted. 

It wasn’t like he was all that impressed about it though. Roman himself was obviously loud and obnoxious as ever, Remus was somehow even louder and also gross as hell, and Patton was such an optimistic puffball Janus wanted to strangle him sometimes. 

But they had their moments, he supposed. Remus was pretty funny when he was bothering other people and you just got to watch. And Patton was a good artist who, even though he mostly drew cutesy things and cartoon characters, Janus liked to look at his art. And he’d even drawn Janus a cool looking snake sticker to put on his water bottle, which is how he learned some of Roman’s pretty stickers on his bottle were made by Patton. 

Roman himself was just something Janus was overall getting used to and they’d have a few ‘bonding moments’ or whatever. Roman had shown him a few video games he’d never played before and then whined when Janus instantly beat him at one of them. That was a great day.

It was… weird. His new life was completely new in every way and he wasn’t sure if he’d ever get used to some of it. But he had to admit, it was an upgrade. A weird one, for sure. But… maybe he could learn to work with this. 

One day at a time.

Chapter Text

Tick

Tick

Tick

Tick

He swore that clock always grew louder at times like these. Times when all in the house was silent apart from the creaks that lived in the walls and floorboards, and the sound of his own pounding heart in his chest.

Tick

Tick

Tick

Tick

His knees were pressed so tight against his chest it hurt, arm plastered to his head as his hands gripped so tight at his hair he could rip it out with a jolt. His eyes darted rapidly around despite knowing there was nothing there. 

Times like these… he almost wished he could run, run and hide and wait for it to be over. But it wasn’t like that anymore. There was no longer the sound of crashing, smashed glass against walls, the destruction of any belongings cracking on the floor as furniture was turned on its side.

It was silent. He could still hear the phantom noises, the crashes and screams. But there was nothing there. No one there. Nothing but a breeze, a drift of wind in the empty room. 

He should go downstairs. No. Yes. NO.  

He didn’t know what to do. He wasn’t here anymore. He hadn’t been. But the effects lingered. On him, absolutely. But more so on her.  

The only other sound in the other silent house was a distant, hollow and broken sob.  

He should be helping her. But he couldn’t bring himself to do it. 

He used to, back when his father first disappeared out of the picture. Being so young at the time, he only saw his mother crying, crying like she always was when his father was around. But he wasn’t there, so surely, it was okay!

So he’d go up to her, tell it was alright, the scary man was gone. She didn’t need to cry anymore. 

But it was too late for her. He’d always known something was a little different about her than other mothers he’d seen, mumbling to herself or calling him by the wrong name, but it wasn’t until then he realised how bad it could be and how much damage that bastard of a man had done. 

Because instead of wiping her tears, smiling at him and telling him it was all okay, she couldn’t. No amount of time, weeks, months, years would ever make her be able to believe he was truly gone. 

She still saw him, heard him, felt him there. She’d scream and cry, say things he couldn’t understand or that made him cover his ears to avoid hearing. But the worst thing of all,

Was that sometimes… she could see him. 

Janus would never forget the day he’d felt the first ever strike from his mother, as she screamed and shouted and shrieked at him, calling him things he’d only ever heard her call one person before. All only before turning away, shaking and sobbing as she begged for forgiveness.

And maybe it was only because he did nothing, only sat there on the cold kitchen tile floors, unable to process it all, that she finally stopped seeing him and once again saw her child.

But her apologies and cries and mumbling to herself about ‘what she’d done’ didn’t reserve it. And it wasn’t the last time it would happen. 

He started to learn to realise when her breakdowns were coming on, recognising the signs and escaping away before her state of mind got the best of her. It hurt, to sit there and listen to her cries of sorrow, but he couldn’t do it.

He knew she never meant to hurt him, it was the last thing she wanted, and parts of him could find the will to forgive her. But others couldn’t. And no matter how much guilt and pity he felt he couldn’t bring himself to face her. 

Tick

Tick

Tick

CRASH

Impact hit. 

Janus woke up with a start, shooting up in his bed with sweat running down his forehead as he tried desperately to gasp air into ragged lungs. The world around him was fading and out of clearness as black and white spots filled his vision. 

His heart was beating so loud it was all he could hear, like it had translated directly from the nightmare itself. 

Nightmares. Well, flashbacks he supposed. He hated them.

Maybe he was missing her, and that was why his brain had decided to dig up another old memory. He did miss her, sometimes. He missed the nice moments, with hugs and reassurances, when it was just the two of them feeling happy without the tyrant of his father there. But those moments never lasted.

He forced himself to breathe deeply in and out, his breath shaky as he gripped the sheets covering the lower half of his body. The spots in his vision cleared, revealing he was exactly where he had been for a while now. He wasn’t there anymore. Thank god.

He was grateful for the positioning of the moon as it let some light leak through the window, he couldn’t stand being in the pitch black right then.

He was okay. He was fine. He was… safe. Probably. He’d been fine so far. Even after doing something that would have gotten him murdered in any other home. Who on earth reacts so calmly to someone purposely breaking their shit?

But they’d said it was fine. Well not fine . But they forgave him, because… well because he was fucked up, basically. But he’d take it over getting his bones broken any day, he hated pity but it was better than not being able to walk.

He glanced over to his bedside table, reading the time on the clock that sat on it. 3:42am. Delightful. He hated waking up in the night like that, you had to be silent so you didn’t wake others up, but he could never just roll over and go back to sleep. But he also couldn’t get up and try to get out the jittery energy that ran through his bones.

He looked down, one hand was still gripping the sheets for dear life while the other was pretty violently shaking. He couldn’t just sit here. Before he knew it, he’d thrown the sheets off and jumped out of the bed.

He blinked. Now what? He found himself wandering over to the window, practiced light on his feet not making a sound, looking out into the silent street. It still shocked him just how quiet it was.

Everyone was quiet here. No one had parties late into the night, blasting music or yelling into the night in a drunken daze. No one kept their TV on into the early hours of the morning, the lights visible through their curtains. The street was completely still.

It was sort of fascinating in a way, he’d never been somewhere so peaceful before here. He rubbed at his eyes as he watched out for any movement. Nothing but the lightest breeze blowing through the grass. 

Looking up, he saw the clearest sky he’d possibly ever seen in his life. Not a cloud in sight, only the deep dark hues of the night sky. It was pretty late in the year, so the sun wasn’t going to start rising for a few hours yet. He was glad, the early rising and low setting sun annoyed the shit out of him in the summer, among many other things.

He squinted slightly, eyes adjusting to see the countless white dots of stars in the midnight blue sky. It was… really pretty, actually. He’d never seen the stars so clearly before. He… didn’t really want to look away. He was starting to get cold. 

He grumbled to himself, begrudgingly tearing his eyes way to look around the room before spotting the blanket on the end of the bed. He went over to grab it, wrapping it around himself before going back over to the window.

He glanced at the windowsill for a moment, wondering if… he could fit, definitely. He hated being small, but it had its advantages, and he’d definitely squeezed into smaller spaces despite his hatred of it. 

He pulled himself up onto the windowsill, pulling his legs up to his chest and leaning against the window as he watched up at the night sky. He barely even noticed his eyes drooping shut, body dropping back into exhaustion as he drifted back to sleep. 

–

“Janus?” Virgil knocked on the bedroom door, waiting for a moment for any kind of response. He didn’t usually get a fully formed response from Janus in the mornings, just a mumble or some kind of inhumane noise. It made him chuckle, but the poor kid didn’t tend to sleep well at night and struggled getting up. 

After a moment of nothing, he knocked again. He didn’t always wake up first try, either. They maybe should get him something to help him sleep, but any actual medication was a risk and might not be allowed if he was going to be put on actual meds like antidepressants. 

He hadn’t talked much to Dr. Picani about any kind of prescription, but just talking to the kid was enough to know he could probably benefit from some help medication wise. He furrowed his brows when he still didn’t get a response.

That was odd. He usually responded one way or the other after a couple knocks. Virgil felt his worry start to build a little, he hadn’t seen or felt anything unusual with Janus last night. Well, he was still a bit on edge from the whole… lamp incident, but other than that… 

“Janus? I’m gonna open the door, okay?” With a moment's warning, he turned the door handle and pushed the door open. The first thing he realised was that the bed was empty.

Panic immediately flooded through his veins, “Logan!” He called on instinct, the pulled back, crumpled and cold sheets filling his head with anxious thoughts. He couldn’t have left the house, surely ? Every door and window was locked. He definitely hadn’t left.

But where else could he be? He wasn’t in the bathroom, or else that would be his first thought, as the door was open. And he certainly hadn’t moved since Virgil came upstairs, which was a little while since he’d woken Roman up first. 

And he wasn’t anywhere else in the house, all the upstairs doors were hanging open and he definitely wasn’t downstairs. Virgil stepped into the room, looking around panickedly, before… 

“Oh my god. ” He let out a sigh of relief. Honestly though, it was a pretty precious sight. 

“What’s wrong?” Logan appeared in the doorway, a concerned look on his face. “False alarm,” Virgil smiled at him, “I jumped to panic a little quickly… but I found him. Guess he didn’t feel like using the bed.” 

Logan gave him a confused expression, following Virgil’s eyes to the teen wrapped up in a blanket, fast asleep and dead to the world on the windowsill. “That’s… how did he not fall off?” Logan questioned, utterly bewildered.

Virgil chuckled, “Not a clue. But we’d better move him off there before he does.” 

Janus woke up a whole less violently the next time he woke, a bird chirp ringing in his ears as a soft grainy sound played in the background and the rising sun shone in his eyes. He groaned, covering his eyes with his arm to protect them from the evil sunshine.

“Oh hey, you’re awake. Was starting to think you were dead, honestly.” Janus slowly pushed himself up, realising he was in the living room on the couch. How… did he get here…?

As if he could read his mind, Roman, sitting across from him on the armchair, spoke up, “Logan dumped you on the couch like a body bag, true story.” He said confidently, nodding to himself. Oh. Wait, like, picked him up-?

“That is not true, Roman.” Logan replied as he walked into the room, crossing his arms as he gave Roman a stern look. Roman grinned at him, “It is so! Like dumping a body in a lake….” He said, tutting as he shook his head.

Janus rolled his eyes at him, “I’m sure he did. Logan sure seems like the type to have thrown a lot of bodies in the lake. He’s this town's most infamous uncatchable serial killer.” He deadpanned.

“See, you get it. Can’t catch him, he’s a psycho.” Roman said seriously, before bursting out laughing. Logan looked absolutely baffled, “I assume you’re joking, although I don't get why it’s funny.” 

“The joke is murder.” Janus answered helpfully, flopping back down on the couch. 

“Murder is not typically considered a funny subject. Janus, may I ask why exactly you decided to for-go sleeping in your bed last night?” 

Janus narrowed his eyes, trying to remember what had happened last night. “I did. Well I went to bed in the bed.” He responded, shrugging. Logan raised an eyebrow at him, “And…?” 

“I woke up. Didn’t wanna be in the bed anymore. I was looking at the stars, guess I fell back asleep.” Janus said with a yawn. He was still tired, honestly. He wished he could go back to sleep again. Roman snorted, “You fell asleep at the window? Looking at stars? You’re a nerd just like him. You nerds and your stars.”

“While I agree the stars are interesting, I do not think it’s a good idea to sleep on the windowsill. Next time try to get back to bed, please?” Logan requested, crouching down to meet Janus’ eyes.

Janus squeezed his eyes closed, “I’ll try my best.” He mumbled. Logan should be glad he didn’t go on a 3am rampage around the house trying to get his body to stop feeling like an electric socket, honestly. “Alright. Are you hungry? I believe Virgil has gone to start making some breakfast.” Janus hummed, “I guess.” 

“Oo! I’m going to ask him what he’s making. If it’s not sweet enough I'll be upset.” Roman said, hoping up from the chair and speeding into the kitchen. Logan sighed, picking up the remote control Roman had abandoned with a small, fond smile.

He handed it to Janus, “Here. You can change it if you’d like. I’m not even sure what it is Roman was watching. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go stop my child from harassing my husband.” 

That certainly wasn’t a sentence you heard every day. Or any day, ever. It really didn’t get any less strange in this household. But Janus found himself smiling a little as he looked down at the remote in hand.

Chapter Text

Usually, when someone was violently throwing up at six in the morning, it was, in fact, Janus himself and no t someone else. So it was safe to say he was a bit surprised when he woke up to the sound of someone absolutely chucking it.  

He narrowed his eyes as he begrudgingly sat up, who…? Ugh, he supposed he better go check. Even though it was so early and he was so tired he frankly didn’t give a shit if someone was vomiting their lungs out.

Despite his body’s complaints, he dragged himself out of bed and over to the doorway, gripping the wall and hugging the doorway as he looked around, giving him a direct view to the bathroom. 

And low and behold, it wasn’t him who was the foster kid blowing chunks on a monday morning this time around. Usually it was because he’d had flashbacks or nightmares that made his body simply decide it needed things to get out, but given Roman seemed pretty well adjusted at this point, maybe he was just, well… sick. 

A moment later, Virgil’s and Logan’s bedroom door was opening, presumably also woken up by the unfortunate sound. Virgil stepped out, looking around with a sleepy expression, he clearly had only just woken up. It was the first time Janus had seen him like this, actually, that guy was usually up and at it before Janus had even remotely woken up. 

He spotted Janus first, who blinked at him before nodding over to the bathroom door, “He’s vomiting up a storm in there.” He deadpanned. Virgil’s expression became worried as he went over to the bathroom.

“Oh, Roman… you alright bud? How bad?” 

Janus turned away, he didn’t really need the details of Roman’s throw up. Ick. At this point, he might as well get up and start his morning early, even though he’d rather not, but he didn’t think he’d get back to sleep. He mumbled, annoyed, to himself as he pushed the bedroom door closed behind him. How dare Roman get sick and make him have an early start. The bastard.

So he pulled on some clean clothes, and attempted to flatten his hair without the use of a mirror. He still wasn’t used to the ones they bought him. They were so… nice and new and good quality . Who knew clothes didn’t have to be hanging on for dear life. Although he had to admit, grown attached to the black and yellow sleeved hoodie they got him. He’d avoided most of the clothes, though. They didn’t feel right.

When he once again emerged from his room, the bathroom was empty and Roman’s bedroom door was closed. Guess he was having a sick day. Great, and Janus still had to go to school. He knew he should probably have a bit more sympathy for Roman than he did but honestly, he’d rather be blowing chunks than going to school.

He made his way over to the bathroom, cautiously checking for vomit leftovers. He did not want that on his trusty well worn and miraculously stainless jeans, thank you very much. There didn’t seem to be any remains and the toilet had been flushed, although it smelt like death.

He pulled a disgusted face at it, it needed to be disinfected. Obviously Virgil, and probably Logan who must have also heard it and came to see what was going on, were only focused on flushing it away and getting Roman back to bed. It made sense that was their first priority, and he was sure one of them was planning on coming back to deal with the hygiene side of it,

But he needed to piss.

So he pulled open the cupboards under the counter, looking for any kind of cleaner. He pulled out a bottle of disinfectant and placed it on top of the counter. Oh, right. He needed kitchen towel too, since toilet paper wouldn’t really do the job and he needed something disposable. 

He huffed to himself, why did the human body have to be so insistent about evacuating its bowels in the mornings? He could go in Logan and Virgil’s bathroom, but, well, honestly… he wasn’t that desperate. He was not risking that. So, wanting to be quick, he made his way down the stairs Roman style (™) and darted into the kitchen. 

Honestly, he barely even noticed anyone else was in there and he grabbed for the kitchen towel and was in and out again within a moment. Back up the stairs and into the bathroom, he grabbed the spray bottle and quickly cleaned over the seat and any other place the sick might have got on. He could really do with cleaning the bowl but he didn’t see any bowl cleaner in there…

Well, it’d have to wait temporarily. 

He ducked under the counter once more after using the toilet and washing his hands, curious to see if there was anything along those lines. He couldn’t see anything, where did these people keep their cleaning supplies?

“Janus?” He jumped as his name was called out of nowhere, almost hitting his head on the top of the counter as he did so. He pulled back, blinking rapidly as he looked up, when had Logan appeared in the doorway??? 

“What… are you doing?” Logan questioned. Janus went back to looking in the cupboard, “Looking for something,” He said, “Do you guys not have any toilet bowl cleaner? I hate to have to say it, but that's a bit gross, honestly.” 

“We… do. But given its toxicity we… put it somewhere else.” Logan answered slowly. Janus raised an eyebrow at him, “What? You think i was gonna chug it ? Honestly, I'd like to think I have a little more dignity than that.” 

Logan frowned, “We didn’t know what precautions we needed to take. We didn’t know you, or your state of mind. They were very unhelpful in telling us what we were to expect. So we did what we thought best.” 

Janus turned away, huffing to himself. They’d relaxed a fair bit considering it hadn’t been that long and he could very well still be just as ready to off himself at any second for all they knew. But they kept their cautions. He still wasn’t allowed a knife or to be alone for more than a couple hours or so without being checked on. 

“This wasn’t locked away.” He muttered, gesturing to the spray bottle of disinfectant. Logan hummed, “You can’t take the lid off.” Janus raised an eyebrow, “Really? No shit. Well anyways, could you maybe get the cleaner? I took a quick piss but I'd rather not have to sit there trying to take a dump on that vomit infected toilet later on.” 

Logan silently held out his hand, holding a bottle off….huh. “Oo, lemony fresh.” He deadpanned. Logan chuckled lightly, “I was coming to do it. We just wanted to make sure Roman was alright and back in bed with a glass of water, and had something in case of emergencies in which he could not make it to the bathroom quick enough.”  

Janus stood up, closing the counter cupboards, “Well alright then. I did the seat and back, since, you know, I kind of had too.” He stepped past Logan out into the hall, “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go try to eat something without thinking of the smell of Roman’s vomit.” 

“You did?” Janus was out into the hallway already when he paused, looking back at Logan, “Well, yeah? What, you think I've never cleaned a vomited on toilet before?” He snorted, “Not my first rodeo.” 

With that he left, not even noticing the look on Logan’s face as he did so. 

–

Janus hadn’t expected it to feel so strange going to school without Roman. You know, since it wasn’t like he hung around the guy or anything. But ever since coming to live with them, he’d just sort of felt like, well… the second foster kid. An extension, using whatever Roman did as a sort of direction for how things worked around here. 

Being forced to be reminded he’d actually been living with them a while now and he was no longer a complete stranger in their house was messing with him a bit, honestly. 

At this point he’d gotten a grasp on the school, he knew where his classes were, and mostly knew his way around in general, at least. However, the one thing he hadn’t accounted for with Roman not being at school, was how he wasn’t the only one who was noticing his lack of presence. (What can he say, that guy had one fucking strong presence.)

As for, while trying to get through the nightmare of a school day, he was unfortunately reminded of the existence of two people he’d been actively avoiding.

“Janus!!! ” He was just trying to eat lunch, alone, picking at the nasty school provided food (Roman wasn’t there to warn him) when he heard his name being yelled across the cafeteria. Thank god it was already so loud in there with countless other conversations that not many heard and no one cared.

Before he knew it, he had the misfortune of having Remus up in his face, grinning widely with a shit eating grin. Janus jumped back, practically jumping out of his fucking skin, “Jesus fuck man, what the hell -” 

“Hellooooooo! Sitting here all by yourself? How sad ! C’mon Pat, he needs some pals!” Remus interrupted, yelling in his face. He pushed Janus along the bench as he sat down beside him, without asking, still grinning in a way Janus was tempted to slap off his face.

Patton was trailing behind him, a sheepish smile on his face, “Sorry about this Janus, he’s just missing Roman is all. They’ve been best friends for years at this point, one without the other is like separating a pair of twins!” 

Janus huffed, “Well i’m sorry to inform you he’s busy hurling. And, for your information, I'm perfectly fine alone.” He said, gritting his teeth as Remus continued to invade his personal space. This guy had no sense of boundaries.

“ Boo ! It’s boring to be alone.” Remus booed loudly, slamming his lunch tray down, “Besides it looks like you ain’t eating much of that anyways. Can i have it?” Janus raised an eyebrow at him, 

“You aren’t completely disgusted by it?” He questioned, bewildered by the idea anyone could stand that food. A starving man would probably struggle to eat it. Remus shrugged, “Doesn’t bother me! Food is food and I'm hungry! ”

Janus gave him a questioning look, but sighed tiredly, “Go at it.” He pushed his tray over as he shuffled away to get some space from that maniac. Patton sat down across from them, a concerned look on his face, “Janus, you didn't eat much of it… are you sure you’ll be alright?” 

Janus shrugged up a shoulder, “It’s fine. It’s nasty anyways.” Patton hummed disapprovingly but didn’t push. He'd brought a packed lunch himself, clearly having known the food would be inedible. Although come to think of it, he always seemed to have one. He offered Janus a few things from his lunch box, but Janus refused. For one he wasn’t about to take someone else’s food, and secondly it just felt… weird. It wasn’t like they were eight year old best friends doing tradesies. 

The rest of the lunch hour was spent with Remus yapping away, chewing loudly in his ear, yelling out randomly and spitting out bits of food ( Ew), and being a general menace. By the end of it, Janus was frankly ready to snap the guys’ neck in half .

As the bell rang at the end of lunch, Janus internally sighed with relief, getting up as quick as he could. He grabbed his bag and snatched up his tray, attempting to dash for it before they could stop him. But before he could make a run for it, Remus grabbed his arm.

And he froze.

“Hey! Wait up a sec! After school we’d usually go with Roman to the skate park, but-” 

Before Remus could finish his sentence, Janus aggressively pulled his arm from the other's grip, ignoring the pain that came with it. It had been an instant instinct reaction, the touch feeling like the worst feeling in the world. It was too much.

Remus had been grinding away at him all lunch, Janus was sure he wasn’t doing it on purpose, but every sound, every touch, every screech that made Janus’ head feel like it was about to fucking implode was enough to drive him insane. 

He felt so overwhelmed, he couldn’t describe it, nothing was happening but every little thing felt like so much. His brain was only telling him to get out.  

“Fuck- FUCK off! Don’t touch me you- you- UGH! ” He found himself yelling, hands shaking and brain fuzzy. He wanted to leave. He didn’t know where the anger came from but it was like a boiling, burning pit in his stomach. He was sure if anyone even breathed too hard on him at that moment he’d snap their arm off.

He was met by shell shocked silence, not stopping to process what he’d said or done or that anyone could have been staring at the scene, before he was dashing out of the cafeteria, he didn’t know where he was going but just not here.

Remus looked down at his now empty hand, stuck in place after Janus pulled away like he’d been burned or some shit!  He looked like he’d just seen a dead body hanging from the ceiling! And then he ran away!

He blankly turned to look at Patton, who looked stunned himself, heavy concern written all over his face. Remus wasn’t exactly a complete stranger to this behaviour, he’d known Roman since he’d gone to live with his foster parents and he knew exactly how much of a mess that guy used to be. He knew what it looked like to not trust anyone like that.

Roman was always jittery and on edge and yelled a lot, but with him, Remus found what worked was… well, acting like nothing was different about him. He’d match his jitteriness and volume, but with a smile. And as much as Roman tried to get him to fuck off at the start, eventually, it worked. Roman could vent all he wanted and nothing he’d say ever bothered Remus more than the own flood of icky thoughts that were always running around in his head. But honestly he was fascinated by them, it was one of the reasons he tried to be friends with Roman in the first place. The guy was interesting.

But seemed that approach wasn’t working this time around. He supposed they were different people after all, and maybe Janus didn’t like the approach of being treated the same way Remus would treat anyone else. He’d seen that the guy was getting frustrated with him, but he’d stupidly thought if he just kept going it might work out. 

Not the best idea. 

He didn’t mean to scare the shit out of the poor fucker. Maybe he should apologise. But he was never good at apologies. And giving them made him feel like acid was bubbling out of his mouth, it gave him the heebie jeebies! Which was a fun image, but in reality, it didn’t feel great. 

He wondered where he’d run off too. Not many places to hide in a school during a full on school day. The bathrooms maybe? It’s where most people went to break down and cry. 

“I’m gonna go try to find him.” He muttered to Patton, pushing off the bench and following in the direction Janus fled in. He obviously couldn’t know where he went, since as soon as he went out of sight, Remus lost track of him. Which was pretty quick in a crowded cafeteria, so once he was out into the hall he simply had to guess.

He decided to try the obvious place and his first guess, the bathrooms. He made his way to the nearest men’s toilets, pushing the door open slowly. To his surprise, it was silent inside. No one seemed to be in there.

Well, that was until he listened closer and heard quiet but heavy and uneven breaths coming from the far stall. He stepped into the toilets slowly, letting the door close behind him. He cringed when he remembered how loud of a slam the heavy door made. 

SLAM . The room became eerily silent. He cleared his throat, “Janus?” He called out into the echoey bathroom. He didn’t receive an answer for a moment, until, “What the fuck is your problem? Don’t you know how to fuck off?”  

He chuckled in response, internally relieved for the reply,  “Can’t say I've ever been good at it. Roman spent months trying to get rid of me.” He took slow steps over to the end stall as he spoke.

“So your tactic is to annoy people until they give in?” Janus snapped from inside the stall.

“Pretty much! Although, you know, I'm just being myself. Sometimes people don’t like it when you change yourself for them just because somethings different about them.” He leaned against the sinks backing the wall across from the stalls, “But I guess not you. I didn’t realise I was really annoying you. I guess I forgot not everyones the same.” He shrugged up his shoulder, “It… worked with Roman.” 

He heard a scoff, “Well in case you haven’t fucking noticed, i’m not Roman.” Remus smiled to himself, “I did. You’re a lot fuckin shorter for one,”

“ Fuck off!”

He smirked, “But also clearly you have a lot stronger boundaries. ….And I'm sorry for breaking them. I’ll ask next time, promise.” He was met with silence, and after a minute or so of no response he decided to give up and just give the guy some time. He sighed to himself, running a hand through his hair.

“Alright well, i’ll uh, see you later i guess. Later alligator!” He turned and started heading for the door before he heard the distinct sound of the stall door unlocking, making him pause.  

“... Later alligator ? What are you, someone’s forty year old dad? It sounds like something Patton would say.” He whipped around fast, seeing Janus standing there looking at him judgingly. 

He shrugged, “Well yeah, I got it from Patton. Are you calling him someone’s forty year old dad?” He questioned, raising an eyebrow. Janus shrugged back at him, “Are you saying he’s not Roman’s forty year old dad? He buys him more snacks than Virgil and Logan do.” 

Remus snorted, “I swear, Pat’s family is loaded and what does he use it for? Expensive clothes, game consoles, paying off the government so he can get away with murder? No! The guy buys gummy bears.”  

Janus blinked at him, “Gummy bears… over murder? ” He rolled his eyes, “What an amateur.” Remus grinned at him, he knew he liked this guy for a reason.

“Can we get out of this bathroom now? It stinks like piss and lynx body spray.” Janus said, wrinkling his nose. Remus gasped in faux offense, “That’s my signature smell! Piss and lynx body spray!” 

Janus pushed past him heading for the exit, “Yeah yeah, i’d believe it, piss boy.” Remus cackled to himself as he sped up to catch up with him, “Soooo do you forgive me?” He asked, blinking his eyelashes innocently as he leaned over to meet Janus’ eyes.

Janus sighed, rolling his eyes once more (this guys’ eyes were gonna fall out his head), “Maybe. …Only if you hook me up on Patton’s free snack business.” He said, glancing over to him. Remus grinned even wider, “What do you want? Gummy bears?” 

Janus gave him a serious look, “No. Gummy snakes.” 

“Deal!”

Chapter Text

Sometimes, it felt like nothing truly caused it to all come flooding back again. His days were regularly filled with stress and getting overwhelmed about something or other, that was his standard. It didn’t always need to be something big that had happened.

It didn’t always need to be the detailed flashbacks, or the breakdowns and panic attacks that sent him spiralling. The fear that haunted him or the phantom pain flaring in his limbs. It could be that, and usually, it was. It was usually those headspaces and states of mind that made him want to simply end it all.

But sometimes, he hadn’t had a terrible day, wasn’t in the middle of a mental break that was pushing him to his limit. Sometimes, he only needed to be alone with his thoughts.

Sometimes it crept back in when he had almost forgotten, reminding him that no matter the circumstances of his day, he hadn’t forgotten. He hadn’t stopped. He wasn’t fixed.

The therapy sessions, although he’d only had a few, weren’t doing anything. He barely spoke to that damn doctor. The guy never actively seemed to be prodding for answers, but obviously he was trying something to get Janus to open up. The poor fuck didn’t know what he was getting himself into if Janus actually did start spewing all his bullshit.

It felt like a waste of time and money. But he couldn’t convince Virgil and Logan of that. Dumbasses . Sure, they seemed well off enough but that didn’t mean they should actively be throwing money around like it didn’t matter .

It didn’t come from the money they were given for him, he knew that. He’d asked and they begrudgingly answered. It wouldn’t cover it, so they used their own money to cover most of it. Roman’s too.

He’d really tried to get out of going that day. But he hadn’t been able to persuade them about how stupid that was. He’d only agreed to going because he felt like he was testing their patience a bit too much. Then he ended up yelling in Dr. Picani’s face anyways, not his finest moment, but the therapist wasn’t phased. Overall not a great day.

Sometimes, all it took was him, laying alone in the dark at 4am. Unable to sleep, his mind running rapidly with endless thoughts. He was familiar with the insomnia, it kept him tossing and turning into the early hours of the morning pretty much every night, unless he was literally passing out from exhaustion. 

It always found its way back to him, taunting him, keeping him trapped in that state of mind. He couldn’t remember what it was like to live without waiting to die. 

The ceiling was nothing but a black surface but it didn’t stop him staring into it like it was the most interesting thing in the world as the minutes ticked on by. Nothing was obviously wrong, nothing in particular was making him feel this way, but… he just felt so … bad.

Everything just felt wrong, there was an ache in his chest that made him feel like he was sinking into a deep dark pit. And before he knew it tears were leaking from his eyes, rolling down the sides of his face and onto the pillow. He couldn’t find the strength to move, vision blurring as tears filled his eyes. 

He still pondered often, at least once on most days, why, why couldn’t it have just worked? No one would have missed him, not then, he didn’t have anyone. No one even knew who he was. No one would have noticed.

… Except, maybe… her. Once she… realised. She must have been the one who found him in the first place, his unconscious body in the bathroom. But when he woke up in the hospital she was nowhere to be found. She must have found him fast and called for help, which he honestly hadn’t banked on her doing. 

They never told him where she was. But clearly, she’d lost her custody rights. Again.

Suppose that’s what happens when your kid tries to kill themselves months after you were given rights to them again. 

He couldn’t help the relief he felt when they told him he didn’t have to live with her anymore. He loved her, but… well there was a reason he did what he did. Lots of reasons, actually. 

Regardless, he really did hope she was okay, wherever she was. 

But now, it was a lot more complicated. His situation had changed, drastically. He was selfish in the first place, even then when he only had one person to think about, he knew that. Making her find her own dead child was cruel. But a part of him had horribly wished she wouldn’t have seen him as he was, and maybe have even been glad she’d found the dead body, thinking it was someone else dead instead. 

It was a risk, a guess, a hopeless and cruel wish. He didn’t know what she saw in those moments, how her brain worked, he never even knew what exactly it was she had. But no matter how selfish it was… he hadn’t been able to convince himself it was enough. Not to keep living like that. 

Now, he wasn’t in that position. He couldn’t hope and pray for the best while doing anything it took to rid himself of this world. Locking himself in the bathroom to take his own life was, well, not really an option anymore.

It would be extremely difficult to do anyways, since he couldn’t just grab a knife to take with him. He supposed he could try to drown himself, but there was no bathtub, only a shower, and the sink was shallow. And he was not drowning himself in the toilet. 

It was probably still possible, but… well, now he wouldn’t just be making one person see his dead body. And he wasn’t bloodied and beaten, he was fine. Uninjured, not hiding in fear. He wasn’t being screamed or yelled at, being hunted down. He wasn’t in the same state he was before, desperate to do anything to stop the pain. 

He wanted it to go away , …but he couldn’t even move his arms. 

He wanted to just disappear into thin air, wished the world would just let him go in his sleep. But he knew it wouldn’t happen. If he wanted to leave this world behind he had to do it himself instead of crossing the road without looking and hoping to get run over.

And… he wasn’t sure he could do that to them. They were so stupidly fucking nice. They’d done everything to keep him from harming himself. It would break them if he took his own life now. 

No. Why did he care about them anyways? Fuck them . Sure they weren’t strangers anymore, but he didn’t owe them anything. He didn’t owe them jack shit! Money spent on him, feeding him, that… that crap didn’t matter. He didn’t owe them his life.

…But regardless, it would be extremely difficult to do. He couldn’t leave the house, he was locked in and didn’t know where they kept their keys. Probably in their bedroom, and he wasn’t a fucking idiot. Going into their room at night looking for keys was the fastest way to screw yourself over.

And inside the house was practically baby proofed, the level of danger at almost zero. It was obviously a pain in the ass for them, keeping anything dangerous locked away to the point you needed a key to spread butter on some damn toast. (Actually, they’d started leaving the butter knives in the drawer… as long as one of them was home. It was a start, he supposed. He could make his own sandwich now.) 

But no matter how much of a pain it was to act like they had a toddler who was running around trying to stick their hand in electrical sockets, they did it anyway. For him. A kid they hadn’t even met before. 

He doubted a butter knife was sharp enough to do him any real damage, anyways. But he supposed it could cut through skin, if you tried hard enough…

…What a stupid idea.

He never much one for self harm typically, but when he would chicken out of actually offing himself (there were a lot of times before he finally couldn’t take it anymore) and needed to do something to get rid of the feeling buzzing through his body, he’d turned to it. The stinging was easier to deal with, it was something to focus on, it made the feeling go away. 

He wasn’t sure if they hid the knives away again at night. But maybe… he could check. It was ridiculous, pathetic honestly. He shouldn’t be bothering. But his skin was itching, his entire body overwhelmed with the feeling to do something. He couldn’t lay here and do nothing. The urge to rip his arm off was getting a bit much, honestly.

He refound the ability to move as he slowly sat up and shuffled off the bed, breathing slow and heavy. He’d need to be quiet, of course, but he always was. He knew this house better now, knew which stairs creaked and where you could hear footsteps from certain parts of the house. He could do this without anyone ever needing to know. Then there was no harm done as far as Virgil and Logan knew.

He left his room out into the hallway, deciding whether or not to leave his door open. On the one hand, leaving it open would be suspicious if Logan or Virgil came out into the hallway, or even Roman. Although he couldn’t tell if Roman would not care and go back to sleep, or whether the curious dick would investigate. 

And he was pretty sure if any three of them realised he wasn’t in his room, they’d come looking for him. Not ideal. 

On the other hand, closing it, and having to open and close it when he came back up again, was a lot of noise. He didn’t want to risk making more noise than necessary. In the end he decided to leave it open, only just. You’d have to be paying attention to realise it wasn’t closed, and it was 4am. He was pretty sure no one would be awake enough to notice.

He slowly and carefully made his way downstairs. He really could have used the lights on, but that was also too risky. Although, when he made it to the kitchen, he had to at least turn one of them on since it was practically pitch black in there. However, he remembered the oven hood had a subtle light, and after fumbling for a moment managed to turn it on.

He was shaking as he stood, arms crossed against his chest, but, well… it was cold, alright? It was the middle of the night and he had short sleeves on! He pulled open the cutlery drawer and… goddamnit, the bastards still didn’t trust him. Clearly. 

…Well, he was currently proving them right, but that wasn’t the point! He huffed to himself, what now? He… couldn’t think of anything else. Fuck them and their safety. The amount of effort it must take to keep it up… as sad as it was, it was the most effort anyone had ever put into doing something for him.

Even if it was keeping him from offing himself. 

He leaned back against the counter, pulling at his face with his hands, stretching down his cheeks. He couldn’t get rid of this feeling, it wouldn’t go away until he did something. He’d… heard that thing about drawing on your arms to help. But it felt so… babyish to draw on yourself like a toddler.

He wasn’t judging others' coping mechanisms, but… 

And just then, looking up and over to the window, he saw it. His eyes flickered down, to the sink. Sitting on the side of the sink below the window, in clear view, was a knife. A proper knife. A big, sharp knife.

He stopped in his tracks. They… must have forgotten to put it away. It was weird for them, it wasn’t anything they’d slipped up on before, but they had gone to bed late, he’d heard them. Maybe it was a tired mess up. Maybe it had been cleaned and left to dry and not put away.

It was right there. He could grab it, do… do serious harm to himself. It was sharp. And… and he could do anything and he-… he couldn’t. Because… because they’d been trying so hard , and him taking the one slip up they made and ruining it all… 

God, it just felt so horrible. How could he do it? He’d feel so… guilty . He didn’t consider himself to be exactly an empathetic person, so his own guilty conscience caught him off guard in all honesty. 

He… didn’t have to care about them, or their feelings, or what they’d done for him. 

What they’d done for him? All they’d done was keep him from dying, and that’s what he wanted.

He should be angry with them, hate them, who did they fucking think they were trying to control his life?! They didn’t even know him! He didn’t have to jack shit to spare them or their feelings. He had to do what was best for him.  

Before he knew it, his legs had carried him all the way over to the sink without him even realising. He slowly reached out for the sharp object, heart pounding in his ears.

He paused just before he made contact… he… he could so easily open up his wounds again, pull the bandages off his unhealed injuries, make sure they never healed. They were healing, slowly… but it was a pretty messy job he’d pulled. 

He stopped, pulling back and looking around him. Did he really want to die, here, bleeding out onto their nice white tile floor, ruining the kitchen that looked straight out of those displays? If they had been a straight couple they would have been right out of a movie, with their expensive house and car and charming little family. It felt… wrong. He didn’t belong here. Did his corpse belong here either? 

Did he really want to bleed out here, like this? Having them find his body in the morning, already dead for a few hours at that point, no chance in saving him, the blood dried onto those no longer so nice white tiles. Their eyes forever unable to see what he’d done. What consequences would that have? 

He didn’t know how important he was to them. How much he mattered. What something like that would do to affect their current lives, which were practically perfect. It was like in a horror movie, where the characters were all happy and enjoying their perfect lives. Until the killer starts attacking people, and they see the first dead body. Someone screams in a way they’ve never screamed before, because none of them have ever seen something so horrifying.

He… didn’t want that. He didn’t have it in him, that same motivation, the uncaring selfishness. He was a selfish person, he’d known that for a long time, but there was a difference between looking out for yourself and putting yourself first, and scarring others for life. It wasn’t fair of him to put others, people who had never hurt him, through that, was it?

He gripped the handle of the knife so tight it started to hurt as his knuckles turned white, breathing shakily. He… he wasn’t going to. He didn’t touch the bandages. Damage done was damage done, he didn’t need to keep going. Besides, his wrists still hurt like hell half the time. But… higher up his arms, the scars were lessened. 

He didn’t have it in him right then, sure, if someone was offering him an easy way out he would, but there wasn’t one. It wasn’t easy. He’d been at his lowest point,  so low he didn’t even realise it was possible. 

He would keep it under control. But he couldn’t put the knife down, no matter what he tried to tell himself. A few little cuts just to get rid of the feeling tearing through him… wouldn’t hurt. No one had to know.

He didn’t want to look at the top of his left arm, the scars there…well, let's just say he avoided looking when he changed, and tended to hold one hand over it or keep his eyes closed when showering.

Sometimes he’d trace over it with his finger when his insomnia kept him up at night, it was sort of fascinating how scars could heal exactly as someone planned them too…

But no. He kept his sleeves down, he could always do it in other places on his body, but he didn’t tend to unless he needed it to sting more, just to get rid of the aching feeling. It always hurt more anywhere else, for some reason.

It always felt so strange at the start. Having to get your brain to let you, not stop you. Your brain was always trying to protect you, even when you wanted nothing more than to rip yourself apart, survival instinct was a pretty tough fucker to turn off. 

But turning away and going back upstairs wasn’t an option at this point. He couldn’t put the knife down now he’d picked it up. 

He stood still, shaking and raggedly breathing, knife hovering, do it. Just do it already.  

A drop of blood spilt, knife cutting into already toughened and damaged skin with effort. The sting came a moment later, a thin, tiny line of red facing him.

It had been a while, he realised. It wasn’t any kind of addiction, it didn’t feel good, at least not to him. It felt wrong, but the feeling of needing to tear himself apart was so overwhelming , he felt like he didn’t have a choice. 

He did have a choice, really. But he didn’t want to have one. 

After the first few it always came easier, you squeeze your eyes closed as tight as you can, take a deep breath and just keep going. The sting gets worse and worse, and you feel the blood increasingly gushing as it feels warm, and then turns cold on your skin.

You start to lose yourself in it, and you keep going and going, before you finally pull yourself to a stop. Opening your eyes and realising what you’ve done. It’s always a bit of a shock, despite knowing what you were doing, the mess that meets your eye is always somewhat of a surprise. 

And for a moment, you can only stare.

He took a slow, deep breath in and out. The pain started to flare as the adrenaline wore off, arms feeling like they were on fire. But it was gone. Because all he could feel at that point was the throbbing. 

Hands shaking, he went over to the sink and washed away the blood off the knife, he got the soap and scrubbed it away, making sure to leave no evidence, drying it off and leaving it exactly where he found it. They didn’t need to know. 

But after placing it back, he didn’t make his way immediately back up the stairs, feeling weak and tired and his brain fuzzy. He… just needed a minute. He slumped against the kitchen counter and sank to the floor, scrunching his knees up to his chest.

He would be fine… for a short while. He took deep breaths in and out, trying to calm himself down. It was really hurting. Maybe he went too far. It was difficult to gauge what you were even doing when it never felt like enough. 

He grabbed some kitchen towel to wipe away the excess blood, making a mental note to take it back upstairs with him to flush down the toilet. If he forgot that part he was screwed. He could lie about a nose bleed or something, but even so he was worried they’d check.

He squeezed his eyes closed as the pain of wiping the fresh cuts washed over him. It was officially the first blood-spilling relapse since he’d left the hospital. He… didn’t really care, not much. He wasn’t keeping track. He hadn’t thought he was going to get better.

Honestly, he thought he’d be dead by now. Thinking he’d keep attempting until he finally succeeded. But being put here, with these people, who for whatever fucking reason, cared so much…

Tears started to swell in his eyes again. For fucks sake, second time in one night. He never used to cry this much, he’d sworn he’d run out of tears. And yet here he was. 

Crying, shaking and sobbing on the kitchen floor, wishing he was dead, in the early hours of the morning, with bloodied arms and a suffocating emptiness in his chest. 

Chapter Text

Roman was not a fan of waking up in the middle of the night. He was no stranger to it, sure, but he’d gotten better. Usually, nowadays, he could roll over and go back to sleep even when his mind annoyingly woke him up several times during the night.

However, tonight, he could not simply roll over and go back to sleep. Why, you ask? Well, bad luck for him, his body decided it needed to …relieve some bodily fluids, as it were. The audacity!

He groaned as he dragged himself out of bed, walking like a zombie over to the door and out into the hallway, rubbing his eyes as he did so. However, while exiting the bathroom after evacuating his bowels, he noticed something… odd.

Janus’ door… was open . Not by much, only a few inches, but… well, it was definitely weird. He didn’t keep his door open at night, understandably, what untrusting traumatised kid did? Even Roman now still wouldn’t sleep with it open. But…well, why was it open? 

He’d just been in the bathroom, so Janus wasn’t in there. Curious, he slowly crept over, pausing and waiting for any sound outside the room. …Nothing. He gently pushed the door open, waiting for anything, a sound, movement…

The room was empty.

Well, now, Roman was thoroughly confused. Had Janus… gone downstairs? It was the only logical answer, but he couldn’t think of a single reason Janus would be hanging out downstairs in the middle of the night. 

Maybe he just got hungry or thirsty or something. Roman did, sometimes, sneaking downstairs for a midnight snack. Once, when it was still early days, and he’d accidentally made too much noise crashing into something in the kitchen, obviously waking Logan and Virgil up. It… was a long night after that, to say the least.

A part of him was seriously curious as to what Janus was up to, wanting to go downstairs and find out for himself. But another part of him didn’t want to jump scare Janus and make him think it was Virgil or Logan. He clearly wasn’t over his jitters yet, not trusting them and thinking any little mistake would end in disaster. 

Roman got it, really he did. So maybe it was best to leave Janus alone to do whatever he was doing, and let him feel secure about doing it and thinking like no one noticed.

 …But another thought crept into his mind. Janus wasn’t… well, very stable, to put it bluntly. He’d literally attempted suicide not that long ago. Not to mention he’d seen the guy stare at the roof access door in the school for uncomfortably long amounts of time. And Roman was pretty sure he didn’t just want to see the view.

He didn’t exactly seem back on track with wanting to be alive.

But so far, there’d been no attempt to harm himself. Not as far as Roman knew, anyways. Maybe on account of the fact he had nothing to harm himself with, given he was sort of being treated like a psych ward patient. 

Roman felt bad for him sometimes, seeing how obviously frustrating it was to not be able to be independent with so many things. It would frustrate the hell out of him, too. He was surprised Janus hadn’t bitten someone’s hand off yet. 

Although he’d looked tempted too at times. Roman couldn’t blame him, really.

He didn’t think Janus would be able to find anything potentially dangerous, but he supposed there were a lot of ways someone could harm themselves, ways that were simply impossible to keep away from someone without, you know, actually putting them in a psych ward.

If he was in a bad state of mind and desperate, well… he’d overheard Logan and Virgil discussing what to do about an ‘emergency’ like that before Janus came to live with them. They knew it wasn’t foolproof. 

He didn’t consider himself a worrier, in fact he teased Virgil for his worrying constantly, but… he couldn’t deny the tiny bit of concern that built up in him. Maybe he should just… check? 

Don’t get him wrong, he didn’t like Janus that much. The guy had a weirdly smug energy for someone so clearly depressed and down on themselves, and he pretty much only wore black, Roman’s least favourite colour (why the darkness!?), and was always wearing the same hat, (an old beanie he really needed to replace) and… well he just didn’t like his vibes! They were always having insult wars with each other anytime they were in the same room.

The only thing they had in common was a flair for the dramatics, obviously shown in their… extra insults. 

But… well he wasn’t heartless. He didn’t know if he could go back to sleep without at least checking, now he’d thought about it. He just cared about people, in general, okay? He was a compassionate person! It wasn’t personal to Janus.

Roman just needed to make sure he wasn’t, you know, dead.

He started to make his way down the stairs, going steadily and pausing every few seconds, listening out for any kind of sound. He didn’t hear anything until he got to the bottom of the stairs, when he started to hear…

… Crying?  

No way. Surely not… was he…?

He stopped in his tracks, listening out for where the sound was coming from. It seemed to be coming from… the kitchen? Sure enough, as he walked a few steps closer he realised a soft light was coming through the gap in the kitchen doorway.

That was definitely crying. Alright, now, …why the fuck was Janus crying in the kitchen at 4am? Honestly… Roman knew you got into weird shit when you were a skittish little foster kid, but he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to know what caused this one. 

He paused, hand on the kitchen door. Maybe he should leave Janus alone. If it was him in this situation, he was sure whatever it was that was wrong, he wouldn’t want anyone else getting involved. There’s a reason you do shit at 4am when everyone’s sleeping.

But he just couldn’t shake the feeling he needed to check.

So, against his better judgement, he pushed the door open, the door creaking as it slowly fell open. Immediately, the crying stopped. Cut off with a sharp breath as Roman met eyes with a teary and wide eyed, shaking, slumped on the floor against the counters and bloodied Janus.

Well, fuck . This is what he got for checking. 

“ Oh .” 

The word fell from his mouth, unable to comprehend any other words to say. He’d… known , that this … was, well, something Janus had been known to do in the past. Some of his scars made that obvious.

And honestly, he couldn’t say he’d never tried it himself. But he’d never done it much, only ever causing him more problems, he’d…tried other things to distract and numb it all. 

But that… was a lot of cuts.

How did he do that? What did he… use ? They wasn’t anything lying around, and fuck would he have needed something sharp. It looked like he’d been attacked by a fucking tiger.

Roman glanced around the room,  bewilderedly looking for whatever Janus had managed to stumble across, or maybe he’d snuck something in when he came here-? finally spotting the guilty party sat on the sink. A long, sharp knife. He winced, it must have been forgotten to be put away. Goddamnit.  

He didn’t know how to handle this. 

He wasn’t qualified for this shit. What was he meant to say? A part of him wanted to shout what the actual fuck, but given many circumstances, that didn’t seem like the best idea. 

“Oh. It’s you.” Janus said gruffly, “Well, at least it’s not the panic party.” He sighed, seeming to relax a little from his original terrified state. Roman blinked at him, “Huh?” Panic party? “ …Oh, Virgil and Logan…” Janus nodded, turning away as he tucked his knees closer to his chest.

Roman swallowed. He had to do something . It would be dickish of him to leave Janus here like this. He took a deep breath, “Those look bad.” He said quietly, waiting for Janus’ reaction. Janus’ head snapped back to him, expression somewhat surprised.

His expression quickly darkened, “What, you gonna go wake them up and tell them?” Janus spat. Roman shook his head, “No. No i’m not gonna.” He reassured as he slowly walked over, “Well… at least not without your permission.” 

Janus raised an eyebrow at him, “Why? That’s fucking stupid. As if I'm gonna want to tell them.” Roman sat down next to him, although keeping somewhat of a distance, humming.

“Well yeah. So it’d be a bit dick-ish of me, don’tcha think?” Roman said with a small smile. He was trying not to get too distracted by the blood and …messy injuries, to say the least. Geez, the poor kid did a number on himself. He must have been pretty lost in it. 

Roman supposed he’d been too far gone at least once before, if not multiple times, anyways. To him, this might not even be that big of a deal…

Janus mumbled something under his breath, turning his head away again. There was a moment of silence. It was… awkward.  Awkward and making Roman’s heart pound very loudly. 

He noticed blood stained paper towels scattered across the floor, but… well, wiping it away wasn’t going to fix it. It was better than letting the blood get everywhere, but, well… there was quite a lot of it. 

In fact, he was pretty sure it was a good idea to clean and cover them up. A precaution, just to make sure they didn’t get, you know, filled with bacteria. Convincing Janus to do that, however, was probably going to be a challenge. Silence filled the room once again. 

“...Then, what are you doing?” Janus suddenly asked, catching Roman off guard. Roman’s expression grew confused, “What… do you mean?” He asked, unsure what Janus meant.

Janus furrowed his brows at him, “What are you doing? If you’re not going to tell them why are you still here? Just go back to bed and forget about it!” He huffed. 

Oh. Honestly… Roman wasn’t sure he could . He wasn’t going to tell Virgil and Logan, despite his gut instinct he should, but he wasn’t sure he could just… pretend he never saw anything.

“I… don’t know if I can do that.” He said slowly.

Janus glared at him, “You said-”

“I’m not gonna tell them!” Roman insisted, putting his hands up, “I just meant i… i’ll feel bad. If i just, ya know, leave you like this.” He said, shrugging up his shoulder. 

Janus looked at him suspiciously, “You’ll feel… bad? ” Roman nodded, “Well.. yeah dude. You really need to… ya know, at least do the basics and wrap them up or something. It’s pretty rough. ” 

Janus ran his hands over his arms, glancing down at his hand smeared with blood after “...I know. I don’t know what happened, to be honest.” He went quiet for a moment before piping up again, growing aggressive once more, “But you don’t need to give a shit about it. Why do you suddenly care about anything going on with me?”

Roman tapped his chin, “Hm… i wonder… maybe, because i’m not a giant piece of shit?” He said, gasping. Janus rolled his eyes, “Alright, alright. Sarcasm is my thing, back off.” 

Roman smirked at him, “I just can’t possibly wonder why I would care! Because we’re clearly deadly enemies! I only wish to watch you perish, mwahaha!” He did an evil laugh under his breath, remembering to keep the noise down. This would honestly be one hell of a scene to walk in on.

Janus snorted, “Well duh. We’re the ultimate nemesis’. I’ve been waiting for my opportunity to defeat you.” He smiled lightly, despite his deadpan sarcastic tone. At least he wasn’t too upset anymore, or crying. Roman was not good with tears. Although Roman had purposely chosen not to mention the cries he heard or the tears stains on Janus’ face.

“Well then, even if we are deadly enemies, … can you at least let me help you out a little? They’ll heal faster if treated properly.” Roman questioned, a hopeful tone in his voice as he pushed himself off the floor. Janus was clearly hesitant, giving him a dubious look.

“I still don’t get why you’re not telling. Not to mention wanting to help. You have no reason to do anything for me.” He said quietly. 

Roman sighed, “You know, I know it’s hard to believe, but not everyone is a dick. ” He said bluntly, seeming to take Janus by surprise, “Most people have at least some form of compassion for others, and when someone’s bleeding onto the kitchen floor, you usually, you know, help. ” 

“Funnily enough, It’s got less to do with the details of a relationship and us being besties, and more to do with not being an asshole . You don’t deserve to have your personal problems told to people you don’t want to know, and you, like any regular human being, need a little fuckin’ help sometimes.” He clapped his hands together, “Now get up, there’s a first aid kit in the upstairs bathroom.”

With that, he didn’t wait for a response or even a reaction, simply making his way out the kitchen and back up the stairs, waiting in the bathroom for Janus to catch up. While he did, he started looking for the first aid kit in the cupboard underneath the sink. 

By the time Janus had made his frankly tediously slow walk back upstairs, he’d fished out the kit and opened it up on the side of the sink. Inside, he found antiseptic wipes and bandages, which was what he currently needed. Good job Logan always kept this thing stocked. 

Janus appeared in the doorway, gripping the side of the bathroom door tightly as he peaked in, “...What exactly are you doing?” Roman looked at him with a deadpan expression, “What does it look like, genius?” 

“Not very nice of you. Back to bullying are we?” Janus huffed as he let go off his death grip on the side of the door, walking fully into the bathroom. Roman sighed, waving his wrist, “Fine, I'm sorry. Now sit your ass down on the toilet.” 

Janus gave an ick expression, pulling the lid down on the toilet before apprehensively sitting down. Roman laughed, “Oh come on, it’s fine. Just a bit dusty.” Janus wrinkled his nose, “Not a fan, regardless. It’s gross.” 

Roman rolled his eyes with a smile, “Alright alright. Fair enough, but to give it credit, the poor thing doesn’t get dusted. Because, you know, it’s always up. And Logan keeps this house pretty clean, so that’s impressive.” 

“Now,” He made a grabby hand, “Gimme your arm.” He demanded. Janus was sceptical, clearly unsure about doing so. Roman supposed that made sense, being grabbed by your arm wasn’t usually a pleasant experience.

But after a moment or so, he reluctantly held his arm out. Roman grabbed one of the antiseptic wipes, ripping open the packet and pulling it out. He made a mental note not to grip too hard as he took hold of Janus’ arm. 

“Ow!” Janus hissed as he wiped over the cuts, wincing. Roman huffed, “Keep still, ya big baby. Let me get it done and it’ll be over faster.” Janus shot him a death glare, but kept his movement to a minimum as Roman cleaned the rest of the cuts.

Roman grabbed the roll of bandage, it was maybe a bit extreme but he wanted to make sure. Besides, Janus already had some, they’d blend right in. Janus groaned, “Do you have too? These fuckers are itchy enough.” 

Roman shrugged, “Too bad. It’ll only be a few days and you don’t need to bother with them, once the cuts start stabbing over.” Janus was quiet for a moment as Roman started wrapping the bandage around his arm. 

“You sure know a lot about this.” He said suddenly. Roman stopped. He looked up to meet Janus’ eyes. “What… do you mean?” He asked slowly. 

Janus’ expression hardened, “I’m not an idiot, Roman, and you’re not a stranger to this. You know an awful lot about how long these kinds of cuts take to heal, and you’re pretty natural and cleaning and covering them up.” 

Roman sighed, slowly getting back to work with the bandages, “Not much. This? This is because I got good at patching up other kinds of injuries. But I …have. Was never a fan, though.” He murmured. 

Janus hummed, “I get it. It’s shit. But sometimes I just can't get rid of the feeling… ya know?” Roman continued wrapping up the bandages in silence, finishing up and stepping back, “Alright, all done! With that one, at least. Hand over the other arm, espresso depresso.” 

Janus stuck his tongue out at him and blew a raspberry, holding his arm out, clearly not appreciating this. But he was letting Roman do it, at least. “ Very matu-” Roman cut himself off swiftly when he heard movement from out in the hall. Both his and Janus’ eyes widened, both freezing in place.

Shit. His promise to not tell wasn’t any good if they got caught. The bathroom door was open, neither of them thought to close it, god fucking damnit-

“Hellloo? Anyone in there? Why’s the door-” Virgil walked in, looking deader than usual with his eye bags and half asleep look. But his sleepy expression quickly changed as he stopped in his tracks in the doorway. 

“...Open…” He finished his sentence slowly, horror dawning on his face as he took in the situation. “Oh god. What-!?” He rushed over, making both the boys jump as Janus quickly retracted his arm from Roman’s grip. 

Virgil stepped back, “Sorry, sorry- i just-” He stumbled over his words, running a hand through his hair, “What happened…?” His expression turned sad, “Janus…?” Janus looked away, crossing his arms firmly across his chest. Seems he wasn’t gonna give an answer.

Roman swallowed, “I was just… making sure it was taken care of. Ya know, cleaning and bandaging…” He trailed off, shrugging. Virgil sighed, “Well…” He swallowed, clearly trying to keep somewhat calm in a situation he was obviously not calm in, “I’m… glad you at least are doing that. But…” 

He crouched down next to the toilet, “Janus… where did you… find something?” He asked, concern heavy in his voice. Janus didn’t answer, still refusing to meet Virgil’s eyes or respond. 

Roman rubbed the back of his neck, “Uhm… i think you… left a knife out by accident.” Virgil’s eyes widened, and after a moment he winced, “ Fuck. I thought I forgot something.” He buried his face in his hands for a moment, then took a few deep breaths in and out.

Honestly, for someone with a fair amount of their own mental health issues, Roman was surprised by Virgil. By how he handled situations, or that he’d chosen to foster kids in the first place. He knew Virgil was on anti anxiety medication, but he must have also come a long way in figuring out how to deal with his issues, too. It was honestly kind of impressive how Roman could see how stressed and panicked he sometimes was, and he was still one of two best adult figures Roman had ever had in his life. 

Virgil turned back to Janus, “Shoot, I'm really sorry Jan. I should have remembered to put it away.” He said. That got Janus to look at him, a bewildered look on his face. “The fuck? What are you apologising for?” 

Virgil shook his head, “It’s my fault. As your guardian it’s my job to make sure you’re safe.” He said, firm but gentle. Janus actually got angry, like, visibly angry, making Roman feel like he needed to take a step back. Angry traumatised kids are dangerous. Janus already broke one of their damn lamps, kid was wack . 

“Wh- what the fuck is wrong with you?! How is it anyone’s fault but mine?! Pretty sure it wasn’t you who used my arms as a cutting board!” He snarled, spitting his words with venom as he balled up his fists.

Virgil remained calm, although he still looked extremely upset. Roman supposed it made sense,  it wasn’t exactly a fun circumstance, to find your kid like that. Even if he was a  foster kid. Roman couldn’t imagine how the situation would have gone down if it had been Virgil who found Janus in the first place.

“It’s not.” Virgil said, leaving no room for argument, “No one chooses to feel so bad they harm themselves. I’m sorry I slipped up, and I'm sorry you got hurt as a result of it.”  Virgil stood back up, moving back a few steps, “But I'm glad Roman found you and could help. If you want Roman to finish bandaging up your other arm, go ahead.” 

For a few seconds, neither of them moved, staring at Virgil like it was some sort of trick. But, slowly, Roman started to move again, picking back up the abandoned bandages and waiting for Janus to offer out his arm again.

Janus seemed even more precautious than before, but steadily extended out his arm once more for Roman to finish the job. “I’ll be right back.” Virgil said suddenly, leaving the room. 

They both exchanged a look. Honestly, Roman wasn’t sure what he’d been expecting. But that reaction… wasn’t it. Maybe he was leaving so he could go panic and lose his fucking mind without them seeing. Janus’ surprised look turned back to being pissed off, muttering to himself under his breath. 

“You know… they’re just like that. Both of ‘em. They won’t blame you for anything mental health related if there’s any reason you acted the way you did. I mean, they still believe in consequences obviously, but I've honestly never encountered many. And none of them have ever done me any harm back.” Roman said, filling the quiet tension in the room. 

“They’re fucking stupid.” Janus spat. Roman chuckled, “Yeah, they are. But ya know, it has its bonus’.” Janus’ fist clenched on the arm Roman was holding, “It’s fucking annoying when they blame themselves, though.” Janus mumbled, gritting his teeth.

“...Yeah, it is.” Roman agreed.

“It’s my fault. It wasn’t like it was a fucking accident .” 

Roman paused. 

“Is it your fault you tried to kill yourself in the first place? Or is it the fault of the circumstances and people who made you want to?” He finished covering up all the cuts, leaving only bandaged arms from elbow to wrist. 

Janus pulled his arm back almost protectively, “...I guess not.” He said, although he didn’t sound entirely sure. Roman sighed, putting away the bandaging and wipes in the first aid kid, “Well, there you go then.”

“Now, if you don’t mind,” He zipped up the bag and put it back under the sink, standing back up and dusting off his hands, “I have a bed to get too.” Finally, he could go back to sweet sleep. Even if only for a few hours. 

He stopped on his way out, turning back, “Oh, and Janus? Next time, try not to wake me up, yeah?” He said jokingly. Janus glared at him, but a small smile tugged at his lips.

“Go back to sleep, asshole.” 

Roman grinned, “Toodles!” 

Janus’ arms itched. Stupid bandages. It was like being fresh out of the hospital again. What a pain. But he couldn’t deny that Roman’s help… was, well. Nice. He supposed. And also unexpected.

What was also unexpected was when he went back to his room and found Virgil in there, doing… something? He’d fixed the bed from its messing state of all Janus’ tossing and turning, and the lamp on the bedside table was switched on, a cup with steam coming out of it sitting on the surface. Virgil was standing by it, seeming to have just placed the cup down, and he was also holding the weighted blanket in his arms.

“Oh! There you are.” Virgil said as he spotted him, smiling softly, “I thought i’d uhm, try to make things a little nicer. I also made a cup of tea, if you want it.” He said, gesturing to the mug sitting on the bedside table also. 

Janus blinked, “...Thanks?” He scratched the back of his neck “Uhm… sorry, i just… don’t get why you’re…bothering i guess.” He shrugged. Virgil hummed, “I’ll be honest with you, i don’t know what you need right now. I’ve never dealt with this sort of thing, and all I can do to help you, apart from keeping you safe, is… try to comfort you. And, well.. I know you’re not a fan of physical affection, so…”

He held up the weighted blanket, “You can at least get a fake hug from a blanket in a comfy bed with a cup of tea?” He offered. Janus snickered lightly, “...Thanks. I… appreciate the effort.” He said, too exhausted to do anything but accept it at this point. 

He took the blanket, wrapping it tight around himself, and sat down on the bed. Maybe he was finally exhausted enough to get some fucking sleep. 

“And hey, Janus? For future reference,” Virgil went over to his desk, picking up the pack of markers, “I’ve heard drawing on your arms… helps, ya know? Just… a suggestion for next time you’re feeling …rough. Up to you. I know you probably don’t want to come to us for help, so… maybe this is a good first step.” 

Janus knew that. But he didn’t even bother trying anything to get rid of it before he resorted to hurting himself. He sighed, “Yeah… maybe i’ll try it.” Virgil’s smile brightened instantly, “Alright! Okay, uhm.. I’ll leave you to get some rest, then. Goodnight.” 

“Good morning.” Janus replied with a smirk. Virgil smirked back at him, rolling his eyes as he made his leave. Janus sighed as the door clicked shut. He flopped back onto the pillows, squeezing his eyes closed. 

He blinked them open again. The ceiling wasn’t such an endless dark blur with the lamp on. 

Chapter Text

“So, Janus. How’s ya social life?” Dr. Picani tapped lightly on his notebook with his pen, offering a bright smile. They’d been going like this for the entire session at this point. Honestly, Janus wasn’t sure what was worse. His questions prying into Janus’ mental health and trauma, or his painfully casual questions about shit like the weather.

“What social life?” He replied back blankly. Picani chuckled lightly, “I see. So you haven’t had much luck makin’ friends at ya new school?” Janus scoffed, “Oh yeah , i’ve been becoming besties with everyone who whispers about me as i pass them, because i’m the ‘suicidal kid’. And everyone who laughs when I have to ask for a sharpener in the middle of class.” 

Picani hummed, “Well I suppose that’s a pretty tough situation... So have ya been flying it solo, or spending most of ya time with Roman?” He asked. Janus shrugged, “I don’t know, a mix I guess? I spend time with him, Patton and Remus sometimes. Mostly because they force me too.” He grumbled. 

Dr. Picani raised an eyebrow, “Oh? So you’ve been talking to Roman’s pals?” Janus gave him a questioning look, “I suppose ? Why?” Picani smiled knowingly, “Well seems to me, that means ya have made some friends. I’ve heard enough about Patton and Remus from Roman to know they’re very extroverted people. I’m sure they’ve been trying their best to include you.” 

Janus huffed, “That doesn’t count. It’s… like friends by default. And, no offense to them, but I'm not their biggest fan.” He was finding them… less frustrating as time went on. But it didn’t mean they were suddenly all BFFs . Frankly being around three extroverts at once drained him utterly. 

“Well, ya can’t force yourself to like ‘em. But maybe you should try gettin’ to know ‘em better before you make a final decision. How ‘bout yall do a little ‘hang-out’ together outside of school? What do the three of ‘em usually do together?” Picani enquired. 

Janus crossed his arms, leaning back on the sofa he was seated on, “Uhm, i don’t know. They go to the park and stuff. They were talking about going to the beach this weekend I think, since the weather’s meant to be a randomly warm couple of days.” 

Picani smiled, “Well, why don’t ya go with them?” He suggested. Janus paused. Was… this guy stupid? There was a pretty fucking obvious reason Janus wasn’t well suited for a beach.

“No offense, but do you realise what you’re suggesting? A beach. Where people wear swimwear . With little coverage. Exposed .” He drawled on, giving Picani a pointed look. 

Picani didn’t respond, only continuing to smile at him. He growled, “In case you haven’t realised , i’m a little bit scarred . And i’d rather not show everyone at a public beach my scar covered, ugly body and bandaged up fucking arms!” By the end of his sentence, he was yelling in the therapist’s face. 

Dr. Picani, however, seemed completely unfazed. He hummed again, as if Janus had only mentioned an easy problem like not owning swim trunks or not being the best at swimming. It was a little more complex than that.

“I understand. It’s completely fair to not want to show your scars and injuries, of course not wantin’ to be stared at. But, well… I know it’s gonna be nice weather, but it’s not gonna be super warm, right?” Picani offered him a small smile, “Should be cool enough for you to wear a thin hoodie or a long sleeved shirt, don’tcha think? Does that work?” 

Janus blinked. He… hadn’t thought of that. Typically it would be way too hot to wear a hoodie on a beach, but, well, it was a random wave of warmth later in the year. Just warm enough to get away with going to the beach, but, well most people probably would be wearing at least a t-shirt. And he could always sit in the shade or something if it got too hot.

But, well… did he want to go? He couldn’t say he had much experience with beaches. They went, once, when he was about five or six. Him and his mother had fun, running around and splashing in the water… 

But ten years ago was a pretty long time. He couldn’t say he remembered the whole thing very clearly. He couldn’t even remember what the sand felt like, honestly. 

“I… guess I could go. I’ve only ever been to a beach once and I don't really remember.” He shrugged, curling in on himself slightly. Picani shut his notebook closed with a cheery smile, “Well then! Sounds like maybe you should give it a try.” 

–

Janus tugged down the sleeves of his old, thin and worn grey hoodie. He had a black one, a colour he preferred wearing, but it’s just common sense not to wear black on a sunny day. So the grey one it is was, only just covering the white bandages on his wrists.

The car ride so far had been pretty long. He’d been staring out the window for the most part, vaguely intrigued by all the sights he’d never seen before. But he was also trying to distract himself, as being trapped in a small space with Roman and Remus was starting to get to him.

They’d been so loud . From yelling at each other and climbing over the seats to have a slap fight to laughing louder than a damn hyena at each other's jokes. Janus got it, they were just… like that. They couldn’t help it. 

But god if he wasn’t ready to snap their necks in half.

He was also feeling somewhat uncomfortable, riding in Remus’ dads car. Since they had a seven seater, they’d chosen to go with his family’s car instead. So he was currently in the middle row, pressed against the window,  and sat next to Patton and Roman with Remus quarantined in the back and Remus’ dad and Logan in the front.

They’d apparently decided two chaperones were necessary, but honestly, Janus was glad Logan was coming too. He would have been even more uncomfortable with only Remus’ dad around. He seemed nice and all, but he was a stranger.

Although to be honest, he was starting to wish he’d stayed at home with Virgil. He knew why he was doing this, and the utter look of shock on Roman and Logan’s faces when he’d said he wanted to tag along was pretty entertaining. But… well, a part of him wanted to go back in time and tell Picani to fuck off and that this was the stupidest idea ever and not even consider coming.

It’s just that…well, he felt bad . He hated going to therapy for a multitude of reasons, but one of them was that the idea that all that money was being spent on him made his stomach churn. It wasn’t guilt as much as it was just…. wrong. Foster parents don’t do those things. It all felt like some sort of big joke or trick , and he couldn’t shake the feeling no matter what he did.

So he supposed the best he could do was make it less of a waste of money… was to actually listen to Dr. Picani’s words and advice. As much as he’d rather rip his hair out sometimes. There were definitely some things that guy said that Janus wouldn’t bother with in a million years, but stuff like this? 

Well.. it wouldn’t kill Janus to try.

So he did. He’d muttered about how it was Picani’s idea, and Logan had seemed pleased he was following the therapist’s advice. And so here he was. Stuck on a long ass car ride with loudmouths wishing he was anywhere else in the world. Like maybe, ya know, buried under the ground.

Okay okay . He should stop that. That was another thing Picani suggested, that when he was thinking casual thoughts like … that , he should try to stop himself. He huffed internally to himself, all this therapist advice was so… so… embarrassing? Something about it all just made him feel so… weak.

Something about being in control of what he thought, said, did… it made him feel secure. Even if it was nothing but negativity and hurt and wanting to end it all, it was… familiar.

Pushing out of that way of thinking, trying to be positive instead felt like… giving up on something. Like some sort of defeat . Logically, he knew it was actually the opposite way around, he was quite literally doing the opposite of giving up if he wasn’t trying to kill himself.

But he didn’t like the feeling he got when trying to push those thoughts away, taking others' advice, even having people smile at him when they thought he was making progress… it made him want to do nothing more but go back just to prove them wrong. Destroying himself until they could see there was no fixing him . 

…But then he’d never get anywhere. At this point, although he’d seen Logan and Virgil were capable of screwing up, his opportunity to actually off himself was still near impossible. In fact, now, they were going to be even more careful not to make a mistake like that again.

Much to his surprise, however, they hadn’t increased their surveillance on him or started locking things excessively again. They… hadn’t lost their trust in him, somehow. 

And yet… it was like he said before. What the fuck could he do to himself with a goddamn butter knife?

“We’re here! Look, look! The oceannnn!!” Remus suddenly exclaimed, leaning over the seat to press his face against the window like an excitable five year old. Janus growled, “Hey! Get off me you gremlin!” He pushed Remus back, who only giggled in response. 

“Alright kids settle down. We’re just about there. We just gotta park up and then you can go buck wild with all that energy.” Remus’ dad chuckled from the front seat. In a minute or so more, they were parked up in the car park that sat above the beach. 

Within five seconds, Remus and Roman had scrambled out of the car and started running down to the beach. Logan sighed and shook his head, pushing up his glasses, “I swear, it’s like having toddlers…”

He didn’t seem all too concerned, however. Seems like they’d all been to this beach enough times before to trust the two to be safe and not get lost. Janus bet if he’d wandered off like that it wouldn’t have been quite so blasé . 

“You excited Janus?” Patton asked, rounding the car to stand by Janus’ side. Janus shrugged in response, “I don’t know. I mean, I'm curious to remember what it’s like, I guess.” 

Patton tilted his head slightly, “Remember? When was the last time you came to the beach?” He questioned. “Uh, well…” Janus turned around, pulling his bag out of the car before shutting the car door, “Like… ten years?” 

Patton’s jaw fell open, “A decade?! That’s so long!” Janus pulled his bag over his shoulder, “Well, can’t say many foster families give a shit about like this. So, ya know.” He muttered. Honestly, most homes he’d been in were full of the type of people who’d laugh in your face at the idea of going on a walk to the park, let alone a trip to the beach.

Patton awed, “That’s so sad! I wish everyone had the opportunities to do nice things like this.” Janus raised an eyebrow at him, he got the feeling Patton didn’t entirely understand the issue with most foster parents.

“I love the beach! It’s so fun! Me and my family always go during the summer, but I like to tag along with these kinds of trips too.” Patton continued happily.

“Huh. Well, sounds nice. Happy for you, I guess.” Janus mumbled. Patton gave him a small, gentle smile, “It’s nice you’re joining us. You never usually want to come out with us to do anything.” He said softly.

Janus shrugged once more, “Yeah, well…you know. I didn’t feel like staying home and watching true crime with Virgil all day.” Patton giggled, adjusting the bag strap on his shoulder, “Well… should we go down then? The sands a-waiting!” 

Janus glanced down at the beach below, “...Sure.” 

SPLASH!

“Ha! Gotcha.” Remus snorted, after splashing a huge wave into Janus’ face. He was now soaked , spluttering as he stood in the shallow of the water. The nerve. Roman laughed so hard he doubled over, “You look like a wet dog!” 

Janus huffed, frustration building fast. He didn’t exactly enjoy being drowned in water and unable to take off his sopping wet hoodie. This is how they wanted to play, huh ?

He’d show them . But first he had to wait for the opportune moment. He put on a calm persona, keeping his face blank. “Very funny.” He said evenly, trying his best to keep any solid emotion out of his voice, “But I'm thirsty. So if you’ll excuse me, I'm going to get a drink.”

With that, he turned and left the other three paddling and splashing in the shallow part of the water, and went back to where they’d stationed themselves by the edge of the beach.

There he found Logan and Remus’ dad in a casual conversation, Logan with a book in his hand as per usual. He looked up when he noticed Janus, “Hello Janus. Is everything alright?” He asked, blinking a few times as he noticed Janus’... state.

“Woah there! Got splashed, huh?” Remus’ dad joked. Janus sighed, “Yes. and yes. ” He grumbled, “But don’t worry, I plan to make them pay. All i need it a bit of time.” He replied, grabbing a bottle of water they’d brought with them from the cooler.

He twisted off the cap and took a sip, glancing behind him at the others still in the water, “A bit of time for them to let their guards down… then they’ll see.” He muttered. Logan raised an eyebrow, “That’s a very ominous comment.” 

“If I were them, I'd be worried.” Remus’ dad added on with a nod. Janus smirked, “Oh. They should be.”  

After leaving them for a short while to get lost in their game and playing around, sure they’d forgotten about the whole situation in the first place, he picked up a bucket Patton had brought along with him. He said he brought it to make sandcastles. Patton’s sandcastles would have to wait momentarily. 

He stood back up, bucket in hand. “Oh? If you’re going to make a castle, you might want the shovel.” Remus’ dad pointed out. Janus shook his head, “It’s not for that. Don’t worry. This won’t take long. ” 

First, he scooped some ice out of the cooler, dumping in it the bucket. He had to be quick from here. Second, keeping a safe distance, he walked back over to the edge of the water, dunking in the bucket to fill it. 

He looked over. Remus, Roman and Patton were all just getting out of the water, drying themselves off with towels. Perfect.

Patton, the only one he didn’t plan this revenge on, saw him coming as he approached silently. But Janus held a finger up to his lips, giving him a mischievous smile. Patton put a hand over his mouth, seeming to catch on. 

“Dude, how’d you get my hair so wet? I swear!” Roman huffed, dragging his towel over his head to attempt to dry his wet locks. Remus cackled, “What can i say! I’m an expert at making people very wet.” 

“ Ew. You’re so nasty.” Roman replied, disgust in his tone. Remus cackled, then pulled his own towel over his head, “OOoo look i’m a spooky ghost!” He said, oo ing as he wiggled his fingers. Well, he was going to be a soaking wet ghost in a second.

Janus snuck up behind them, completely unnoticed by the two, and as soon as the pair pulled the towels off their heads, he dumped the bucket of ice cold water over them in one foul swoop.

Patton squealed, holding in his laughter as the two boys yelped in surprise, looking like drowned rats. “What the-!” Roman spun around, “You little shit!” He screeched. Janus crossed his arms across his chest and stuck his tongue out childishly, “Well maybe next time you shouldn’t laugh .” He said smugly.

Remus started shaking himself off like a dog, grinning widely, “Wow! That was refreshing!” Janus huffed at him, swiftly turning the bucket over and slamming it (well… not too hard) on Remus’ head. 

After a moment of silence and standing still, Remus simply laughed again, “Oooo, i’m a spooky ghost with a bucket head!” Janus paused in disbelief for a moment before bursting out in laughter. What was fucking wrong with that guy? 

Roman grabbed his towel off the floor, shaking and teeth clattering as he was clearly freezing cold (ha ha. Serves him right) “Well, these are soaking. Come on, I think we brought spares.” He said, giving Janus the evils as he said so.

Janus shrugged at him, nonchalant, “I told you, you shouldn't have laughed. You know me. I’m one for revenge. ” 

Roman rolled his eyes and scoffed, “Yes, I distinctly remember you trying to dump cereal over my head at breakfast not that long ago.” Janus flicked his wrist, turning his nose up, “In my defense, you said my face looked like I'd never washed it and called me slimy.”

“Skincare is very important! And clearly you’ve never done any!” Roman huffed loudly. “I have other things on my mind other than my skincare routine, Roman.” Janus said dryly. 

Although to be honest, if he had the time and energy, he’d take much better care of himself. All of Roman’s skincare and beauty products took up half their bathroom, which annoyed the hell out of him, but Janus couldn’t deny he was curious about them.

“Alright, alright. Come on you two. Let's go get those towels and get you two dry. You look very cold.” Patton said, still smiling and obviously entertained by Janus’ revenge. 

It was pretty fucking funny, to be fair. And besides… they deserved it .

The sun started to set as the day went on, the sky turning shades of purple, pink and red. They’d been at the beach for hours at that point, and were pretty much ready to wrap it up.

Janus was sort of glad, although he’d had a surprisingly good day, he was pretty exhausted. He wasn’t used to all this… activity. He was sitting on the edge of the picnic blanket they had laid on top of the sand, staring up at the sunset sky as he took a break.

Breathing in the seaside air and listening to the calming sounds, as the beach was now mostly quiet with the lack of little kids around. He was sat alone, as Logan and Remus’ dad had started taking stuff back up to the car and the other three were enjoying their last bit of beach fun.

He wasn’t alone for long, however. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Roman, Patton and Remus coming towards him. They were laughing and talking, seems they all had an amazing day, none of them had stopped smiling and laughing all day long. Well, apart from getting dosed in water. 

Honestly, Janus hadn’t had a bad day himself. It was… nice, actually. He realised promptly he hadn’t had pretty much any bad thoughts all day, kept at bay with sunshine and messing around in the sea and sand. And he hadn’t even come close to a breakdown. And for him, that was… well, practically a damn miracle.

He’d been kept too busy all day to worry, panic, scream or cry and break down. And for a while, at moments, he’d even felt himself smiling in a way he wasn’t used to and heard himself laughing and just…  just having fun .

He.. honestly couldn’t remember the last time he’d laughed and smiled happily and carefree like that. 

“Hey, whatcha thinkin’ bout?” Janus jumped, shaken out of his thoughts suddenly as Remus flopped down next to him. “We’re gonna go help pack up the car.” Roman said as they made their way to grab their stuff, him and Patton both picking up their bags before walking away and towards the car.  

“Alrighty!” Remus called out back, waving rapidly at them as they walked away. Janus blinked. Oh, right, he should probably get his stuff together too. But he was kind of enjoying the sunset…

Remus turned to him and grinned, “Well?” He said expectantly. Janus raised an eyebrow at him, “What?” Remus rolled his eyes with far too much effort (seriously, his eyeballs could have easily fell out his head), “Silly goose! Weren’t you listening? I asked whatcha thinkin’ bout?” 

“Oh.” Janus blinked again, “Uhm, just… looking at the sunset. It’s nice.” He shrugged, turning his  gaze back to the purpley-pink sky. Remus hummed, “ Boring. But I suppose it’s sorta… pretty, I guess. I’m not much one for pretty things.” He shrugged, scratching the back of his neck.

Janus scoffed, “You don’t say ?” Remus grinned at him, “Well I'm not against all pretty things, i’m one for you.” He winked. Janus spluttered, practically jumping back, caught completely off guard by the sudden comment. Remus burst out laughing, “Your face!”

Janus huffed, pushing him back by the chest and making him tumble down, “You idiot. Don’t say shit like that, it’s not funny!” Remus continued laughing, “Yes it is! Your face is red as a tomato .” 

Janus scowled, “ Ha ha . Don’t tell me you're one of those people who thinks it’s peak comedy to joke flirt.” Remus pulled himself back up with a shit-eating grin, “ Welllll…”

Janus sighed, “Of course you are. Well I suggest you find someone else to joke with, because if you ever say anything remotely like that to me again, I'll punch you in the face.” He said firmly, giving Remus the death stare.

Remus was completely unfazed however, shrugging his shoulders, “Sure you will! Actually, I can't wait!” He said happily. “Masochist much?” Janus muttered. Remus snickered in response.

Silence fell between them, Janus’ gaze going back to the sun as it lowered more and more down in the darkening sky, hidden by the sea ahead. Remus stayed quiet beside him. 

He was sure the others were wondering where they were or why they weren’t catching up, but for some reason, no one called out to them or came to get them.

He felt Remus looking at him from the corner of his eye, but kept his eyes on the sky. Then a voice rumbled beside him, “Hey, your hoodie got all soaked earlier. How come you didn’t take it off?” Remus asked suddenly.

That was enough to get him to snap his eyes, whipping his head around to look at Remus. But he couldn’t think of a response, simply staring at the other blankly. He could simply lie, but for once, he wasn’t sure he could come up with one that made sense. It was odd enough he wore one to the beach in the first place. And any sane person would take off a soaking wet hoodie. 

“Oh.” He breathed out, “Well… I just didn’t wanna take it off.” He muttered, turning away again. Remus raised an eyebrow, “How come? Ya got body insecurities or somethin? You do look starved and built like a stick.” He said, tapping his chin as if in deep thought. Janus scoffed lightly, “Yeah yeah… something like that.” He mumbled with a sigh.

Remus went quiet once more, something about his demeanour shifting. But it wasn’t long before he was speaking up again, more hesitant than Janus had ever heard him. “I’ve… heard stuff about you, ya know, at school. I mean... aside from the other... suicide stuff.” 

Janus winced. Teenagers found a fascination in gorey shit, and the fact he had to ask the teacher for a sharpener in front of everyone any time he needed one, was enough for people to catch on that he wasn’t exactly stable . And people talked. It was entertainment to them, nothing but a joke . 

“I don’t wanna, like, ya know pry and stuff. But… I was just wondering if it was… true?” Remus enquired, leaning over to try and meet Janus’ eyes. Janus refused, squeezing his eyes closed with a sigh. 

“Depends on what you heard.” He said quietly, “...But probably. People seem to have gotten the gist. Especially since I've had several people joke about telling me how to get up to the roof. Suicide jokes asides, i don't tend to have my arms out on display but apparently P.E class is long enough for people to see scars. So they joke about 'wrist checks' or about ‘razor sales behind the school’.” He huffed. Nothing made a funnier joke than people's self-harm, clearly.

Remus made a noise of anger, “Some fuckers got no dignity.” He growled. Janus blinked, surprised he even, well, cared. Remus let out a breath, running a hand through his hair, “I’m sorry, that people are dicks like that, I mean. But, ya know, if you…ya know, like, need someone to talk to who literally won’t be affected by any horrific thing you say, i’m right here!” 

Janus scoffed with a small smile, “Thanks Remus. Maybe I'll take you up on that offer some day.” Having someone to spill his guts out too who, knowing Remus, would only laugh and discuss it like some nasty thought about blood and bugs was a serious discussion, sounded… kind of nice.

He looked down at his clothed arms sat in his lap, his still barely damp hoodie sleeves crumpled and riding up his arm, exposing the bandages for anyone to see. The bandages had mostly stayed dry, but they’d need changing when he got home. 

He squeezed his eyes closed and took in a deep breath. He didn’t bother adjusting his sleeve. And when he opened them again, all he could hear was the soothing sound of the ocean, all he could see was the calm waves and beautiful sunset, and all he could think … was that he was going to be okay.

Chapter Text

The morning was quiet. The air outside was chillier that day, the colder months of the year creeping in. Despite it, the sky was less of a mass of grey and instead a soft blue with clouds scattered across it, each taking their turn to cover the sun as they passed by. 

Inside the house was also quiet, nothing much ever went down on a weekend morning, as everyone was busy doing a whole lot of nothing. The only sounds were the few back and forth footsteps throughout rooms, the low hum of the TV in the living room and the sound of birds chirping outside the window.

It was nice, peaceful even. Janus wasn’t exactly the most accustomed to peace and quiet, and it took him a while to get used to the relaxed weekends around here. He couldn’t take in the nonchalant vibe for the first while, anxious and waiting for something to happen all weekend. 

He tried to keep himself busy, he was always trying to keep himself busy. It was easier that way, if he was busy, he was never just waiting for things to happen.

But he was starting to adjust to the idea he wasn’t required to be productive at every second, realising not having to do anything was actually… fucking great. No expectations to do anything apart from a bit of homework for two days was really growing on him. 

He was more of a do-homework-in-the-evening type of person anyways, so most of his day was… completely free. And Logan and Virgil didn’t care what he did, watching TV, playing games, snacking whenever he wanted as long as it wasn’t too close to a meal, etc. 

And so, with this fantastic freedom of his, he’d decided to lay down in the living room, watching TV and bingeing a series while simultaneously messing around with whatever shit he could find on his phone. 

Having a newer model of phone that wasn’t older than him was proving to be a fascinating discovery. He’d even taken the blanket from the back of the couch to cover him since he was chilly. 

Double whammy. He was officially an unmoving, loafing bundle of blanket.

And maybe it was maybe a simple thing, but he’d never really had the chance to do stuff like that before. He could watch what he wanted, lay on the sofa as long as he wanted (well, they did make sure he got up and walked around at least a bit, plus getting up to eat and such, but still) and he could even take a nap right then and there if he so desired.

He wasn’t considered to be being lazy, or wasting time, or hogging the TV (only Roman cared and to be honest, Janus was only watching shows Roman introduced him too in the first place) and he wasn’t being told to get on with chores or get out of the house because he was taking up space and needed to go outside. 

Come to think of it, he’d never even been given chores by Logan and Virgil to do, he just sort of… did things. He kept his room clean to the best of his ability, (it got messy because he was forgetful and left things around, but he kept a mental note to keep cleaning it often) and he rinsed off dishes and loaded the dishwasher any time he saw them piling up on the side. He washed his own clothes, and his sheets and made his own bed, and generally didn’t leave dirt behind him anywhere he went.

He would have thought they’d ask more of him, but… they never did. It was a conflicting feeling of feeling useless and enjoying the lack of pressure to get things done. 

He tugged the edge of the blanket closer to his face, gripping it with his fist. He… maybe should get up in a while. Do.. something. Laundry or whatever, just to get something done. 

He’d been enjoying his unproductiveness until his stupid brain ruined it.

“Ah, there you are.” Janus jumped a little, surprised by the sudden appearance of a voice. He strained his neck to look up and see Logan standing over the end of the couch.

“I was wondering where you were after I had realised you were not in your bedroom.” Logan confirmed. “Oh.” Janus mumbled, pushing himself upright so he didn’t have to break his damn neck just to look in Logan’s direction.

“How come?” He asked, somewhat cautious as something was squirming in his chest due to his previous thoughts about not doing enough and being useless. Maybe Logan had decided he agreed and came to complain about it.

“I was simply wondering if you had anything specific you wanted for lunch. Since we’re all home and not busy, I thought instead of sandwiches or whatever we could find, I could cook something. Do you have anything in mind?” Logan asked. 

Janus blinked, oh… well, that was certainly not a complaint about him being lazy. He wasn’t much one for coming up with meal ideas, though. He’d been asked plenty of times but his mind was always blank. And even if he did have an idea he never wanted to say anything in case no one else wanted what he suggested.

“Oh, uhm… not that i can think of. You should ask Roman.” He shrugged. That was usually his default answer, Roman always had an idea of what he wanted. Logan hummed, “Well I came to ask you first on purpose. I fear Roman’s choices when he doesn’t have an already set expectation.” 

Janus snorted, memory of some of Roman’s more interesting meal suggestions popping into his mind, “You’re right, he’ll want pop tarts for lunch. Uh, i don’t know, some… kind of pasta maybe?” He offered unsurely. Logan nodded, “Sounds like a good idea. I’ll ask him what kind he wants, if that’s satisfactory to you.”

Janus huffed with a small smile, he couldn’t wait for pasta with marshmallows or some shit on it, “Yeah, sounds fine.” Logan nodded once more before exiting the room, leaving Janus alone once again. Alone with his thoughts.

His brain kicked right back into overthinking mode. Maybe he should have offered to help with the cooking? He hadn’t helped with any food making since he’d gotten here…

He wasn’t a chef by any means but he’d learned how to cook basic things for himself. He knew how to make pasta dishes. He could help. He didn’t… particularly want to. He wanted to keep being lazy and lay on the couch till it was done. 

But just because he wanted to… doesn’t mean he should. Right? He’d always wished to be lazy and not have to do jack shit, but before, he’d… never truly had a choice. Not unless he wanted to get a black eye and a bruised side. Not to mention his bruised ego, getting beat up was embarrassing when other foster kids were watching and snickering. 

But now… he wouldn’t get hit for not helping. Even if they asked him to and he refused… well, he hadn’t exactly tried it yet, but he’d watched Roman do it and come out the other end psychically unharmed. They would argue, maybe send him to his room, but later they’d always find a way to talk it out and… it was like it never happened. 

No one got hurt. No one got scared. He’d definitely done worse than refuse to do a menial task and they still never punished him for it. He sort of wished he had some income of money so he could buy them a new lamp. 

He’d seen how close he was to crossing the line that day, but they never even raised their voices at him.

He’d lost track of his thoughts again.

What was he thinking about?

Oh. … Pasta?

He shook his head as if to clear his thoughts and sighed. He rubbed at his face, he really needed to get it together. No one was going to hurt him. Especially not because he couldn’t be bothered to help cook a meal. In other homes that would have been a big deal, but… not here.

Still… maybe he should just… to be nice? Being nice wasn’t exactly his thing, but Virgil and Logan asked so little, they did everything themselves. They made three meals a day, kept the house clean, drove them to school and offered to drive them anywhere else they might need to go. 

They respected privacy, (Well, for the most part. They gave Janus all the privacy they felt safe doing) they respected boundaries,  They knocked, they didn’t force a response, they didn’t touch without permission, they barely ever raised their voices, only in extreme situations… 

They… they did everything. They never once treated them like strangers living in their house, like they were just using them for the money. In fact they never even singled out the fact they were just foster kids in the first place. Roman even called them dad . 

People like them… he wasn’t convinced they existed. And he honestly wasn’t sure still. It still felt too good to be true. But… he was starting to trust in them. Starting to believe that maybe, just maybe….

They really did care. 

It was so hard to understand why every other person he’d met in the past was so horrible if people like this had existed all along. But if he kept pushing them away… eventually he’d lose them forever. And end up with god knows who.

So maybe the least he could do… was help do something like cook some stupid pasta.

Or at least, clean up. By the time he’d snapped out of his haze and gotten out his own head, Logan was already practically done. Well… the sentiment still counted. He helped get out plates, cutlery, and cups. He also emptied out the clean stuff from the dishwasher, so when they’d eaten he could rinse things off and put them in.

“Thank you for your help, Janus.” Logan said with a smile, “It was very nice of you.” Janus shook his head, “Well, I was gonna help you cook too… but I got a bit distracted. Honestly I just thought I should probably help, ya know… for once.”

Logan’s smile faded, “You do help. You clean up after yourself, which is all we really need from you. Of course it’s nice to have extra help around the house, but when you’re busy with so many other things all the time me and Virgil do not expect too much help from you in this kind of department. You especially have plenty on your mind already.” 

Janus stared at him blankly, mouth hanging slightly open as he tried desperately to think of a response but… nothing. His mind was blank. 

“Oo, is it done?” Virgil peaked his head around the doorway, “Good! I’m hungry. And I think Roman’s starting to lose it too.” He chuckled, making his way properly into the kitchen and helping Logan with dishing the pasta up. 

Roman came in moments later, shaking his fists like an excitable toddler, “FOOODDD!” Anyone would think the guy hadn’t eaten in three days. Janus couldn’t help laughing at him, knowing for a fact he’d eaten a fairly big breakfast only a few hours ago. He was always hungry, he probably ate double the amount of food Janus did. Suppose that’s how one grows.

Janus wouldn’t know.

“Here ya go.” A bowl of pasta was handed to him, and he was honestly starting to get hungry himself, but… something was wrong.

In the midst of it all, he realised he’d never actually checked what Logan was making. And… Janus didn’t consider himself too picky, but… well, there were just certain foods… the way some things felt that made him feel ill.

And one of those things was the mince in the pasta sauce in front of him. Ah. Well, this was a problem. 

He had two options. 

One, pretend there's no issue, try his best to eat them and not throw up (or push them subtly to the side and hope no one notices)

Or two… tell them. However… well, he didn’t want them to get upset. It wasn’t the first time he’d refused a meal from them, but he’d always told them he was feeling sick or wasn’t hungry beforehand. It wouldn’t make sense for him to suddenly say he felt ill when he was hungry a second ago.

They’d know he was just… refusing.

And, well, he wasn’t sure how they’d react. They’d probably just be a bit annoyed, and say that if he didn’t wanna eat it he’d just have to go without. He was hungry, but honestly just looking at them was making his appetite disappear by the second. 

And besides, he did have a few snacks stashed upstairs. He just didn’t want to risk pissing them off. Half the time as a foster kid you don’t even get meals made for you, let alone be dumb enough to refuse them.

“Janus? Something wrong?” Virgil asked, looking at him questioningly. Janus bit his lip, looking down at the bowl in his hands. He kind of had the urge to throw it across the room. Not to mention it was pretty damn hot, it was sort of starting to burn his hands.

“I… i just uhm…” He squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the heat of the bowl sink into his palms, the heat prickling at his fingertips and making them feel fuzzy, “It’s just… i didn’t actually realise, uhm, what you were making. And…”

It was definitely hurting now, but he wasn’t focused on the pain in his hands, trying his best to simply get the words he needed to say out his mouth, “I… really don’t like mince. I’m sorry… i can try and eat them if you want but i can’t guarantee i’ll be able too-” 

The bowl was suddenly yanked out of his hands, taking him by surprise as he jerked back, and when he opened his eyes and again looked up, he saw it was Virgil who had swiftly pulled it away, eyes wide with concern.

“ Geez, your hands- they’re bright red. Hold on-” Virgil quickly placed the bowl down on the counter and turned to the sink, turning on the cold tap with haste. He took Janus’ hands, pulling them under the cold tap. 

“Here. Run them under there for a moment. It shouldn’t have been hot enough to psychically burn you, but the cold water will help with the pain.” Virgil said with a sigh of relief. Janus was stuck in place, trying to piece together what just happened.  

He hadn’t even realised he was burning his hands. The pain sort of… melted into him, he didn’t really feel anything. Sure, he felt the burning but, well, he’d certainly burnt himself holding hot things like that many times before. He was used to it. It was kind of nice sometimes, it was… grounding. He felt no urgency.

Logan cleared his throat, “My apologies Janus, i should have double checked with you. It didn’t occur to me that you may be adverse to it.” Janus raised an eyebrow at him, “What? No it’s not your fault. I told you it was fine to make whatever Roman suggested.” 

He sighed, turning his head back towards the sink, “Besides, I know that kind of stuff is annoying. I’ve tried, trust me, a lot of times to get over the foods I can't stand. But no matter what I always feel sick, or throw up or can’t even psychically get it into my mouth or chew without my body rejecting it.” 

He turned the tap off, gently wiping his hands on the towel below to dry them off. When he turned around however, he was met with surprisingly… horrified faces. Even Roman, who had been busy shovelling his face with pasta, was looking at him with concern. 

“...Did I miss something… again?” Janus asked out loud, looking between them all. What was it this time? God, he didn’t need another surprise subject to dump on Picani that week. “Why would you keep trying foods you know you don’t like…?” Virgil asked, hesitance in his tone as if he was afraid of the answer.

Janus shrugged, “I mean… cause I have to? Every time I get moved to a new home it’s the same over again. No one wants a picky eater. I don’t exactly have a choice, and complaining gets me nowhere. Only yelled at or hit and told i’m being stupid and dramatic and just to eat it…ya know.” 

Virgil’s face turned even more distressed, but… unexpectedly, Logan was the one who seemed more affected. He’d completely stopped in his place, eyes wide in a way Janus had never expected to see from him. The guy was usually always so calm and collected and suddenly he’d…. frozen.

And a second later he was gone, out of the room in a flash, the door swinging shut behind him. What… on earth was that about? 

“Logan! Wait-” Virgil called out to him but it was too late. He sighed, his face buried in his hands. Janus took a slow step forward, “Is he… good?” He asked cautiously, unsure what he’d said or done to cause such a reaction.

Virgil took in a slow, deep breath, pushing back his hair as he turned to face Janus. “He’ll be fine. It’s… I'll explain it in a little bit. Just… let me clear this up and put the leftovers in the fridge, yeah?” 

Janus nodded, “Uhm… yeah, alright.” He steadily took a seat at the table, keeping a careful eye on Virgil as the other boxed up the leftovers in tupperware and put them in the fridge. Roman was still opposite him at the table, finishing up his food, but Janus could tell there was a shift, the other slowing his rapid pace and watching Virgil with a look of worry. 

Janus was utterly lost, honestly. Obviously something was wrong, and he seemed to be the only one who didn’t get it. Which was frustrating. But he didn’t dare ask Virgil to hurry up and explain, just in case he was at fault for this.

After a moment or so Virgil closed the fridge door and sighed once more, “Alright. What are you hungry for? Hopefully we’ve got something you’re up for eating.” He asked, turning to Janus.

Janus blinked rapidly,... what did he say? Was he actually offering Janus something else, even after he’d clearly upset everyone the first time? 

“Janus?” Virgil took a few steps towards him, “You good there bud?” Janus furrowed his brows, “I… can’t tell if you’re joking or not.” Virgil blinked a few times in response, before, much to Janus’ surprise, bursting out laughing.

“You can’t, huh?” He said with a knowing smile. Not that Janus had any idea what it was he apparently knew. He was feeling incredibly fucking confused. “You’re allowed to have something else, you know. It’s not the end of the world if you don’t want to eat something we make.” He said with a softer tone.

“Oh.” Janus muttered, “Uhm…i’m not so hungry anymore to be honest.” Virgil gave him an unsure look, “You sure about that? Well… okay then. But when you get hungry again, eat. Okay?” 

Janus furrowed his brows further, gripping one of his arms with his hand, “I… don’t get it. Why do I get another option? Isn’t that… kind of wasteful food wise?” Virgil shook his head, “Don’t see how so. The leftovers will get eaten. You didn’t touch yours, therefore it doesn’t matter, and it goes straight into the fridge for someone else to eat later. It’s not going to waste.”

Janus gripped harder, “But… why are your rules different from everyone else's?” Just then, Roman stood up from his seat, empty bowl in hand, “ Alrrrighty. That’s my cue to exit!” He tossed his bowl into the sink and headed to the door, “Have fun!” He chirped to Virgil before closing the door behind him. 

Virgil let out a slow breath, taking Roman’s seat at the table opposite Janus. 

“Well, for starters, that’s how everyone's rules should work. I know it’s not, but no one deserves to starve because they don’t want to eat something. No one chooses to be disgusted by a food.” Virgil began, leaning on the table in front of him, head resting in his hands.

“ Secondly… Well, it’s not right that you were forced to keep eating things that made you feel ill, let alone throw up. And that will never happen here. You don’t want to eat it? Then don’t. It’s definitely helpful that you let us know what things you don’t like ahead of time, but we won’t get mad at you.” 

Janus felt his face scrunch up, shoulders hugging up to his ears, “But… why? And why the heck did Logan freak out like that?” 

A small smile came across Virgil’s face, “Well… Logan is like that sometimes too, you know.” Janus looked up in shock, eyes wide. Logan what now? But he was a fully grown adult. Other adults were always telling Janus to just grow up and get over it already.

“Believe it or not. He’s very put together, don’t get me wrong. Usually, it doesn’t affect his life much. But he definitely has problems with things like food sometimes.” Virgil said, flicking his wrist in the air, “You know that jar of jam he keeps hidden away?”

Janus nodded, still somewhat in shock, too much to speak, anyways. Virgil chuckled lightly, “He keeps it hidden for a reason. Roman loves the stuff almost as much as he does, but… well, Logan needs it sometimes. It’s something he always knows he’ll be able to eat, and if he’s having a moment just like you did, where something he can’t stand comes up, it’s… well, a safe option.” 

His explanation… well, Janus supposed he sort of got it. There were definitely foods he liked more than others. Foods that he could pretty much always feel like he could eat, no matter the circumstances. But he’d thought that was… well…

“That’s not… normal?” Janus asked, eyes wide in disbelief. He’d thought everyone  was like that. He just thought… other people got over it. Virgil smiled, although there was a sadness to it.

“No. Well, not that you’re abnormal. There’s nothing wrong with you. And frankly, I might be way off by suggesting this. But, well, Logan’s autistic. As I said, it doesn't affect him nearly as much as it affects some people. He has a job, he has a family of course, and generally he gets through his days pretty well. But that doesn’t mean it’s not there. Every autistic person is different, he has his struggles.” 

Janus was pretty sure his mouth was hanging open in a cartoonish way of shock. Autistic? Janus was definitely no expert, but, well… he couldn’t say he realised autistic people could be like Logan. 

He didn’t realise how wide of a spectrum it really was. He felt a bit bad, having been accidentally judging a lot of people without realising his perception was wrong. 

“Oh.” He said softly, “I… didn’t realise. I guess I haven't met… well, any autistic people before. Not that I knew of anyways. I had a… pretty set thought in mind of what it looked like.” 

Virgil hummed, “Don’t worry. I can’t blame you. What matters is that you’re open minded and willing to learn things. And I'm sure you are. …But that makes sense, actually.”

Virgil readjusted himself, changing his position to sit up straighter, “Janus… I don't want to tell you anything, and it’s definitely more of a discussion for your therapist. But… maybe you should do some research on autism and all it’s possible symptoms.”

“I’ve just… noticed things. Not only the food aversion, but I've noticed how you tend to favour certain clothes over others and claim they simply ‘feel better’, or how you get upset with sudden changes and don't want us moving any of the furniture in your room. Or how you miss certain social cues or tones, i mean you’ve definitely got the whole sarcasm thing down lord knows, but i’ve noticed your perception of other people’s emotions tends to be… off. And not just mistaking anger when there isn’t any. All of those are possibly autistic traits.”

“Again, I'm not trying to tell you anything. But there’s no harm in considering it. And again, you should talk to Dr. Picani about it. Or Logan if you want. I promise he’ll be open to discussion.” 

Janus… wasn’t sure how to respond. He was pretty damn sure he wasn’t autistic, even if hadn’t realised that it could be a lot more subtle than he’d originally thought, surely someone at some point in his life would have brought it up by now.

He knew Dr. Picani mentioned it at some point ,but he supposed he got a lot of patients who were… what was the word Picani used? Neuro…divergent? It was probably something he automatically felt the need to ask and wonder about.

He crossed his arms against his chest with a huff, “I… guess. I don’t think you’re onto anything. Those things… they’re just me being… weird and difficult. People have constantly told me to get over them. I probably could if i tried hard enough…” He muttered, “But… if you really want I'll mention it to Picani.” 

Virgil looked like he wanted to say more, but before he could Janus stood up from the table, making it clear he was done talking. He had enough labels on him, and all of them were already considered problematic by people and causing him daily struggles. He didn’t think he needed another one. 

“I’m gonna go back to my room.” He said quietly, making his way out of the kitchen. Virgil called out to him just as he was leaving, “Come back down if you get hungry!” Janus snorted a laugh to himself. 

“Yeah yeah… I will.”

Chapter Text

To be honest, by the time his check in with his social worker rolled around each few weeks, Janus had completely forgotten about it. He forgot the guy, that guy being his grump of a caseworker, existed most of the time. Maybe a bit rude, but well, it was true. The guy didn’t seem to like him much. (Janus could safely say he returned the favour.) 

And usually, it was fine. Just a regular check in, is everything okay, are you safe, are you happy, etc. The required questions. But today… something was different. The call didn’t end after Janus had repetitively answered all his case worker’s questions with a yes yes yes, like it would normally have.

“Before you go, i have one more thing i’ve been required to pass onto you.” His caseworker never sounded happy about anything , really, but he definitely didn’t sound happy about whatever this thing was. 

Janus raised an eyebrow, his bored demeanour from the phone call suddenly shifting, “...Okay? What… is it?” 

He heard a big sigh from the other end of the call, geez he sounded pissed. What exactly was this about? Janus couldn’t think of anything that had changed in recent weeks, nothing to do with his position in the system anyways. Nothing the caseworker should know or care about. 

Something he’s ‘required to pass on’? From who? Was… something going on? He racked his brain for anything in the past that could have come back around again, or some situation that could have changed, but… he couldn’t think of anything—

“ Your mother has been requesting to see you.”

And at once, everything stopped. 

It was like the entire world came to a halt, his body turning into a statue as it felt like time came to a complete stop all at once. 

His….his mother?

She….. what? She wanted… to see him? 

When he… when he locked himself in the bathroom he knew she’d be the one to find him. But… when he woke up in the hospital… no one would tell him what happened. No one would tell him where she was.

He knew they knew. Officers, they must have seen it, must have been the ones to find him and her. Must have been the ones who did whatever it was they did with her. But no one would tell him.

He wanted to know where she was, what happened to her, but no one would tell him. No one would tell him ANYTHING.

Given that the social workers always called the foster parents and not kids directly, (seemed somewhat flawed of a system for safety reasons, but, well… most foster kids didn’t even have their own phone, let alone one that worked well enough to hold a call) he’d taken the call with Virgil’s phone, who had left him alone in the kitchen while he took it. 

However, by some miracle coincidence, that was the exact moment Virgil had apparently decided to come back to check on him. Probably good timing, considering Janus had completely shut down. 

He could feel his eyes were wide and his body was frozen in place, his hands grip on the phone crushingly tight. 

“Oh, are you done ye-” Virgil cut himself off as he took in the sight before him, “Janus…? Are you alright?” Virgil asked quietly, seeing something was obviously wrong. Janus didn’t respond. He wasn’t sure he could.

He managed to move enough to weakly offer the phone back to Virgil, who took it with a look of concern. After seeing the call was still going, he spoke, “Hello?” 

“ Hello? What’s going on?”

“I’m… not sure.” Virgil responded in a murmur, watching Janus as he gripped his arms around himself tight, breathing heavy and slow.  “Did… you mention anything in particular?” Virgil asked cautiously, trying his best to assess the problem fast so he could try and solve it. 

“ I told him his mother has been requesting to see him. I’m obligated to at least inform him about it legally. She has no rights over him any more, but she’s granted visitation on his terms. She’s been asking constantly pretty much ever since he was put in your care.” 

Virgil paused. His… mother? Frankly, Virgil didn’t know much about her. Either of Janus’ birth parents, really. Janus had… mentioned them. Neither of them seemed to be talked about in a very good light. Especially not his father. Unsurprisingly, since, well, he was in foster care.

When being told about his history, they were told his father was in jail and had been for the past 7 or so years. It… wasn’t all that shocking of news. It wasn’t always such extreme cases, but most of the time at least one parent was behind bars for one reason or another. 

They weren’t told why, and they weren’t given any information on his mother apart from that she was “receiving help”. It was vague and honestly, unsettling. The way they talked about certain issues always sent a shiver down Virgil’s spine. Not to mention they were always un-informative and vague as hell. 

Whatever the circumstances with his mother were, Janus was not reacting well to her wanting to see him. He looked like he’d seen a ghost. 

“Ah. Okay… i mean, he’s in no obligation to see her, correct?” Virgil asked, trying his best to sound calm and not pissed off, already assured that even if by some messed up rule, Janus was supposed to agree, he was not letting it happen. 

“ No, he’s not. But apparently she’s been a lot better since she’s been in the psychiatric hospital. It’s up to him, but plainly I don't think she’s gonna stop bothering about it until he does.” 

Virgil’s eyes widened, “Psychiatric hospital?” he repeated in a whisper. 

Janus’ head shot up at that, making Virgil jump a little at the pure sonic speed of the movement. Janus looked shocked , Virgil could almost see the cogs turning in his brain as if he was piecing it all together in his head. Did he not… know?

“Janus… did you know that’s where she was?” He asked slowly, fearing he already knew his answer. Janus shook his head. Ugh. Those damn social workers were useless. The poor kid had had absolutely no idea where his own mother was this entire time. 

“What did they tell you?” Virgil asked with a raised eyebrow,  suspicion in his tone. 

Janus’ face scrunched up and he turned his gaze away, looking down at the floor. He didn’t seem to be talking anymore, not that Virgil was surprised he’d gone non-verbal after he’d been shaken like that. “ Nothing?” Virgil’s mouth was gaping open, they didn’t even bother trying to tell him where his mother was? 

“That’s bullshit. I’m sorry they wouldn’t tell you.” Virgil sighed, sure, it made sense they didn’t want to tell him right away while he was still in immediate recovery, not wanting to add to his stress. But surely he asked. And what? They just refused? He had the right to know.

 “I… suppose at least you know now. But… i presume you don’t want to go see her…?” Virgil asked apprehensively.  

Janus looked back up at him, confliction written all over his face. It surprised Virgil a little, he’d assumed given Janus’ initial reaction, that he wouldn’t want to in a million years . The kid looked horrified. 

But he supposed he didn’t know the whole story. It wasn’t too rare for kids to have conflicted feelings about their parents, depending on what happened. They didn’t always hate them or wish to never see them again. Sometimes they simply… missed the good times.  

“ Well? I don’t have all day.” 

Virgil huffed, case workers were rude fuckers sometimes. He looked to Janus for an answer, who looked torn. Virgil hummed, “How about… we put it on hold.. You don’t have to decide right now.” 

After a moment of thinking, Janus slowly nodded in agreement. Virgil inhaled, “Alright. We’ll think about it. I’ll call you back if there's a decision.” He said firmly. 

He heard a huff from the other side,  “ Fine. Goodbye.” 

With that, the call ended. Virgil blinked. What a grump. 

He turned his attention back to Janus, who, although looked a little relieved the call was over, still looked stressed out of his mind. Virgil crouched down, “You know, if you don’t want to go it’s alright. They can’t keep asking you about it, and if they do, me and Logan will damn get them to shut up.” 

Janus smiled weakly at that, and Virgil continued, “And… if you do. That’s okay too. He said she’s apparently doing… better? I can’t say I know what that means, but maybe that means something to you. And it’s okay if you want to see her again or if you want to see if something’s truly changed. No matter what you decide, we'll be here to support you and protect you.” 

Janus met his eyes, eyes clear and shining before a few tears started to slip. “Oh, Jan, it’s okay. It’s alright. Hold on, let me get a tissue-”

As he stood up and turned to grab a tissue, he felt a solid weight suddenly collide into him, oof, blinking as he realised there were arms around him and a face buried in his chest. 

He had to admit for a moment he froze, mostly in shock. He got the impression Janus was very anti-contact, and even though Virgil hadn’t crossed off the idea of him wanting a hug ever, he hadn’t expected it for a while.

But once it clicked that Janus was actually wanting some comfort, he was quick to return the embrace, wrapped his arms around the other, rubbing a hand up and down his back and quietly reassuring him. 

He wasn’t sure what suddenly triggered the want or need for a hug, but he certainly wasn’t complaining. Not only was the poor kid assuredly touch starved as hell, but Virgil himself was, to many people’s surprise, very much an affectionate person. 

Well, to the people he was close with, at least. He’d do any manner of weird movement to avoid touching a stranger in public, but he’d always felt a comfort in the weight of someone he knew against him and the sound of someone else’s heartbeat and breathing. 

So he decided not to ask the tricky question of why said hug was happening, and instead focused on offering the comfort and reassurance needed in the moment, letting Janus grip onto the back of his hoodie like a lifeline for as long as he needed.

He decided not to comment on how his shirt was wet after. 

–

Roman took in a deep breath. Alright . He had to do it. Today was the day! Yep… he was gonna do it. He was! He’d been putting it off for ages at that point, ignoring it like the question had never been asked. 

It’d be put off far too long, it was starting to get ridiculous. To be fair, he had also spent a lot of time actually deciding. The first and most obvious answer was yes, of course he wanted to be officially adopted, because what abandoned kid didn’t want to simply have loving parents again?

But…well. It was just such a big change. It wasn’ t, it wouldn’t change anything in his life, but… well, it was. It would just mean… it was forever .

He’d been living with Virgil and Logan for about two years at that point, he was used to his life here in every way possible. It was his life. Before… he hadn’t had one. They’d shown him kindness over and over again and done everything in their power to show him he could live a normal, happy life.

And they’d been more of parents than his birth parents ever were to him. Sometimes he forgot those people were ever his ‘parents’ to begin with.

He’d found himself calling them ‘dad’ at times, which was… not something he’d ever thought he’d be doing. The first time around it was a slip up, he didn’t even realise he was saying it until it was too late. It definitely caught them both in complete shock. It had to be one of the most embarrassing moments of his life, honestly. But they reassured him it was fine and he could call them whatever he felt comfortable with.

And now… they’d asked to adopt him. Officially. He’d legally be their child. Forever. 

And although it sounded wonderful…. It also sounded terrifying.

He couldn’t deny the fact that some of his old anxieties and insecurities were creeping back up, running through his mind at night, keeping him awake and keeping  him from giving them their answer.

What if they…changed their mind? It was stupid, they’d had a whole two years to decide whether or not they liked him, and they’d definitely see him at his worst.

He’d thought about this, a lot, before they asked. He’d daydreamed about what it would be like to just be a normal, carefree family. But honestly he’d never expected them to want to adopt him.

Sure, he hadn’t seen them kicking him out any time soon, but he’d thought they’d simply… keep him till he aged out of the system and maybe, you know, stay in touch. He only had two years left until he turned 18 anyways. 

But adoption was different. It… would be like he’d always been there. He’d be able to do things normally, instead of being abandoned as soon as he turned 18. He could get a job at his own pace, and save up and move out when he was ready. He could still come home when he wanted, for Christmas and every so often for dinner or whatever. 

It would just… be like how everyone else does it. Instead of being shoved onto the street, forced to get any job he could find, and struggle to find his way through life. It was different. It was good. He was being handed the opportunity of a foster kid’s lifetime on a silver platter.

So why the hell was he so hesitant to take it?

He’d waited long enough. He needed to decide and let them know.

And he knew he’d kick himself in the ass later on if he threw it all away. Virgil and Logan… they respected him and any choice he made. If he ever decided he needed to be separated from them again, he was sure they’d find any way they could to help do it. 

Even if it would hurt them.

It would hurt him too. 

So… hopefully he never had too. He squeezed his fists tight, right. It was time. Nothing was happening that day, a random weekend afternoon. So he gathered all his courage and made his way downstairs.

Once down, he glanced around for where said parental figures could be. He peeked his head into the living room and, to his utter shock, found Virgil sitting on the couch. With Janus leaning into his side.

He looked to be fast asleep, a blanket loosely wrapped around him. Well… Roman was certain he missed some sort of drama. Probably crying and breaking down, the usual.  He hadn’t heard anything though. He supposed that was a good thing, whatever it was, Virgil apparently managed to calm the other down quickly and efficiently.

Roman got it, honestly. Virgil made a fantastic pillow for after one's emotional breakdowns. He wore very comfy big hoodies.

“Uhm… hey.” He awkwardly shuffled into the room, keeping his voice relatively quiet in case Janus actually was sleeping. Seemed cruel to wake someone up from a breakdown nap. They were very important, he knew he’d taken plenty.

Virgil looked up at him with a mild look of surprise, “Oh, hey Ro. You alright?” He asked, a hint of concern in his tone. Roman nodded, he probably looked nervous, and given he rarely was nervous, especially these days, it was no surprise Virgil picked up on it right away. He was nervous. He crossed his arms across his chest as he took a tentative seat on the edge of the armchair.

“Yeah, yeah… i just. Uh… is this a good time?” He gestured towards the… situation he was looking at. Virgil blinked, looking down as if he’d almost forgotten there was a kid sleeping on him. 

“Oh. Uh, yeah. Good a time as any.” Virgil said with a smile. Roman chuckled quietly, “Alright… uhm. So, you know how, a while ago… you asked me a question?” He started, already failing to not beat around the bush.

Virgil raised an eyebrow, “Uhm, might have to a bit more specific bud.” Roman bit his lip, come on, spit it out!

“You… asked me if I wanted you and Logan to adopt me. Like. Officially and stuff.” He choked out, squeezing his eyes closed tightly. Phew. Well… at least it was out now. 

“...Oh.” He opened his eyes at the soft sound, meeting Virgil’s wide eyes. A silence fell between them. Goddamnit. Was… he supposed to just… say yes? It felt so weird.

“Uhm… have you… decided?” Virgil asked hesitantly, clearly afraid of the answer. Roman was surprised, of course, they wouldn’t have asked if they didn’t want to. But still, how apprehensive Virgil looked was… well it sort of made him feel better, honestly.

They wanted this. They wanted him.

“...Yeah. Yeah. I… I wanna. I wanna do it.” Roman said, nodding his head as if to assure himself. Virgil’s face practically lit up, “Really?” He whispered. Roman felt a smile spread across his face, “Yeah. Yeah!” 

He quickly slapped a hand over his mouth as he realised his volume, but… nothing but a shift in Janus’ sleep and a grumble. Both he and Virgil quietly snickered to each other.

“That’s… amazing. I’m so glad you want to.” Virgil said quietly, a wide smile and… were those tears?

“Are you crying? You big baby .” Roman teased lightly with a grin. Virgil huffed as he grinned back knowingly, “Talk about yourself.” Roman blinked a few times before realising tears were slipping out his own eyes.

“Oh my god. We’re having a tear party today.” He said, chuckling as he wiped away the oncoming waterworks. 

“Yeah… it’s okay. These are happy tears.” Virgil said softly, tapping the other side of the couch to his right and offering his arm. Roman didn’t hesitate to take up the other side of the ‘Virgil pillow’ ™ , squeezing the other’s arm tight as he nestled closer to him. 

To his dad.

Chapter Text

At the current moment, Janus’ life… was a fucking mess.

He couldn’t eat, sleep, breathe without the thought in the back (and most of the time, the front) of his mind about his mother wanting to see him. No matter what he did he couldn’t get the thought to leave him ALONE.

Since the call he’d found himself unable to stop his hands from their permanent  shaking, unable to stop  his brain from running over the possibilities in his mind over and over and over again. It clouded his brain, keeping him in a cycle of pacing his room and sitting on his bed staring into nothing.

No amount of attempts at distraction got his head to shut up, and he was struggling to continue his daily life tasks in said state. But he couldn’t find it in himself to make a decision that might ease his rambling brain.

He didn’t know what the right choice was . Because as much as he wanted to say no, never again, keep it away, keep everything away i don’t want to live through it again.

…if he said no, that was it. A done deal. He couldn’t turn around and say he’d changed his mind, especially since she’d know he rejected it the first time. And god knows what would happen if he tried to show his face after that. 

And, deep down, a part of him… really missed her. He missed her hugs, her gentle voice and kisses on his forehead when tucking him into bed at night as a kid. He knew his loving parent was in there somewhere. Every time he’d get beat down, in the back of his mind he was always wishing for the mother he loved back.

But as time went on, he saw her less and less. It was like she got more and more lost in her own mind every day. And in the end… it wasn’t worth it anymore. 

And yet… now he’d spent so much time away from her…… a part of him wondered if it might be different. He wasn’t stuck with her anymore, as cruel as it sounded, he wasn’t backed into a corner. He would be in a hospital full of people trained exactly to deal with an out of control situation. And if he got out of hand…. he could… leave.

He could leave forever. And if he wanted… never see her again. 

So maybe he should see her. Because no matter what happened, it would…probably all end the same way, right?

He didn’t know what to do.

However, a new distraction had presented himself. It seemed that due to the god of bad timing, Roman just so happened to have a sleepover with Patton and Remus scheduled the next day.

Fantastic. 

At first there was talk of cancelling and moving it, but suddenly the conversation seemed to switch on how it might be a good idea, and how Janus could join in and maybe even have some ‘fun’ . 

“ What? I don’t even know what you do at a sleepover. I’ve never been to one, shockingly.” Janus scoffed. Roman rolled his eyes, “No shit sherlock. But that doesn’t matter. You just, you know, have fun! Ever heard of it?” he teased.

Janus glared at him, “Har har.” Roman sighed, “To be completely honest, I'd rather not have you there putting a downer on my super fun slumber party. But I suppose if it’ll get you out of this slump, it’s worth it.” He said, acting as if he’d just offered Janus the cure to all his problems and he was some sort of hero doing god’s work.

“ Roman .” Logan scolded the teasing lightly, “It is perhaps not your… cup of tea, as they say. However from the experience of Roman’s last sleepover,” He shuddered for a moment, as if reliving a traumatic memory, “The energy is… high. Although they seemed to be having a lot of fun. Maybe you will find some enjoyment in it.” 

“Yeah! If you wanna skip out and find somewhere quiet to hang out instead, that’s absolutely fine. But there’s no harm in trying, right?” Virgil added, looking at Janus with a hopeful expression.

Janus sighed heavily, these pains in the asses. …  and utter dorks . He dragged a hand down his face, “ Fine.” He groaned, “I will attend your sleepover, although I was led to believe that’s an activity for twelve year old girls.” 

Roman gasped, “It is not! Sleepovers are for anyone of any age or gender, you close-minded fool!” Janus snorted, “Alright, alright, if you say so. Can’t deny the true words of a sixteen year old Disney obsessor.” He said as he grabbed the door, making his exit with a grin as he heard Roman’s fit of offence behind him.

–

It did, indeed, get very… high energy. Roman had spent the afternoon building a… frankly, monstrosity of blankets and pillows in the living room. Janus could see the visible distress on Logan’s face as Roman pulled furniture, moved couch cushions and tossed blankets everywhere, but nonetheless he let him do it.

Janus had a feeling they wouldn’t be seeing much of Logan most of the evening, however. 

He understood, he wasn’t a fan of change himself. The restructuring of the living room was unsettling him a bit, too. It just felt out of place. But he guessed that was part of this whole sleepover thing. 

He also tagged along with Virgil and Roman on their trip to get ‘the necessary snacks’ as Roman had called it, which ended up being nothing but junk food. He was surprised Virgil was allowing this, but Virgil shrugged it off saying it was alright since it was an occasion. 

He’d been asked what he wanted, since he was apparently allowed to pick anything. But he’d never simply been taken into an aisle of sugar and crap and told he could just… get what he wanted before. 

He wasn’t sure he could, he was left frozen, scanning the shelves as Roman bargained how much he could get with Virgil. He spotted a few things he’d tried before and liked, but… what if he picked something up and it was the wrong choice?

It was stupid, there was no wrong choice, but…

He turned to Virgil, “I… don’t know. I’m not good at picking stuff.” He muttered. Roman gasped, “Can i pick out his portion of stuff?” He asked excitedly. Virgil huffed with a smile and a raised eyebrow, “No, you cannot. ”

Janus crossed his arms across his chest, “He can if he wants. I don’t care.” He mumbled. Virgil’s eyebrows creased, “Are you sure?” He asked, lowering himself down to Janus’ level. 

Janus nodded, “Yeah, it’s fine… i don’t even know what most of these are or taste like anyways.” He shrugged. Virgil gave him a gentle smile, “Okay. If you’re sure then. Roman, you can grab a couple ever things, and then we’ll go over and see what drinks they have.” 

Roman lit up, he immediately grabbed for another bag of some kind of sweets, then paused. He seemed to thoughtfully gaze over the shelves, glance at Janus, and look back again. After a moment he reached out and snatched up another bag, dumping them in the already full of junk shopping basket.

After picking up some sugary fizzy drinks they were on their way back home, and not too long later the doorbell had rang.

And now, here Janus was, sitting on the floor in a circle of people, playing… uno. He had no idea what was going on. 

“Okay, Janus, your turn.” 

Janus blinked at the array of coloured cards in his hand, “I… have no idea what to do. How do you play this? You did not explain well.” 

Roman groaned, “Come on! Just put a card down!” Janus huffed at him, “ Which card??” Remus shuffled over to him, “Oo, lemme look at yours, i’ll tell you!” 

Patton gasped, “Remus! You can’t look at his cards, that’s cheating!” Remus rolled his eyes, “Well he doesn’t know that.” Roman groaned once more, face palming, “Well he does now.”

“Well he’s right i didn’t. But hey! Get away from my cards that i don’t know what im doing with!” Janus gasped dramatically, blowing a raspberry at Remus as the other inched closer. Remus grinned, “Aww, come on! I’m not gonna cheat i’m just gonna help you learn!” 

Janus gave him a suspicious look, “Oh, are you now? Well then just tell me what card I'm meant to put down. You don’t have to look.” He said matter-of-factly. Remus pursed his lips, squinting at him.

“Fine. You got me there.” He sighed, hand over his forehead as if he’d been wounded, flopping down on the floor. Patton giggled at his antics, “Maybeee uno is something we should drop. We can do something else!” 

Roman hummed, putting down his own stack of cards, “We could play another board game. Or play mario party or something.” He suggested. Patton’s eyes lit up, “Oo! I love mario party. Janus, have you played it before?” He asked, turning to Janus.

“Oh, yeah we did that one time. Roman forced Virgil and Logan to join in, it was a disaster.” Janus recalled. Roman crossed his arms across his chest angrily, “Can you believe my own father got competitive with me and tried to steal all my stars!?”

“Virgil was pretty good. Then you had me and Logan who were just trying to figure out the controls.” Janus confirmed with a grin at the memory of how annoyed Roman got when Virgil won.

“How about we order the pizza, and play until it gets here?” Patton suggested, “I’m getting sorta hungry.” Remus shot up immediately, “Pizza?!” Anyone would think he was dying of starvation with how he started to literally drool.

“ Ew. That’s disgusting.” Janus wrinkled his nose, Remus only gave him a shit eating grin and a wink in response. “Uhm… are… you gonna ask?” Janus said, turning to Roman.

Roman blinked, “Huh? Oh, yeah, I'll do it.” He nodded, pulling himself up off the floor, “Don’t worry, you don’t have to talk to the big scary emo monster.” He teased. Janus flipped him off with a scowl as he left to find Virgil. 

Patton also stood up, “Do you know how to set it up, Janus?” He asked as he made his way over to the TV. Janus blinked, “Oh… yeah i think i remember?” He followed, opening up the cabinet the TV sat on where all the games were.

Patton skimmed through the neatly set up games (the whole house was pretty neatly organised. Honestly Janus found it nice to look at, although Roman tended to mess things up and he’d often find Logan reorganising them again.) until he found what they were after. 

They put the disk in and used their combined knowledge of the system to get everything up and running. Meanwhile Remus had relocated to the couch, spreading out on it like some sort of sprawled out cat. 

He was very at home here. Janus supposed he and Patton were over here a lot, considering the three of them were all very social people (Janus was definitely the odd one out there) and hung out often, but he couldn’t imagine being that at ease in someone else's house. He was barely that at home in this house.

By the time Roman came back they were ready to play. After picking characters (which took longer than it should have) they were ready to go. Rounds of scooting around the board, minigames and Roman and Remus having a shouting match later, the doorbell rang. 

Their ongoing fight with each other disappeared in an instant (thank god, Janus was ready to shut them both up by any means necessary) as they jumped up like rabid dogs, rushing after Virgil into the kitchen after he’d collected it from the delivery guy. 

Janus wasn’t a huge fan of pizza, especially the delivery kind, it was always very… greasy. But he managed a few pieces, preferring to chew on the plain crust. Although, that was how he was introduced to something called garlic butter. Who knew they made something just for the crust? Crazy shit.

“Are you… eating the crust?” Roman asked him, gaping in disbelief as they all sat around the table shoving pizza in their mouths. Janus blinked at him as he was nibbling away at the dry end of the pizza.

Remus burst out laughing, “You’re such a fuckin’ weirdo! Here, take it.” He said, almost proudly dumping his leftover crust on Janus’ plate. “Like you can talk.” Janus scoffed, Remus was the last person to go calling others weirdos.

He picked off the bits Remus might have… saliva-ered on, Remus raised an eyebrow at him, “Yeah.. but you’re eatin’ it.” Janus shrugged, “I’m still kinda hungry. It’s much nicer than the actual pizza.” 

“You are insane. ” Roman scoffed. Janus once again shrugged it off, honestly the crust was more filling anyways. Dough really had a way of filling one up. Virgil had seemed concerned when he only took a couple slices but, well, how could he argue with the consumption of all that bread? 

They went back to finish their game of mario party, and after Logan had made an appearance to tell the tiresome twins to shut the hell up because he was pretty sure the entire street could hear, (well, he said it much nicer. But still) and Patton had somehow swooped a victory, causing boos from some sore losers, they put on a movie. 

This was apparently where the whole ‘pillow/blanket’ fort came in, as he was told when they all settled under the unstable structure. Janus was a bit cautious, to say the least. He didn’t want to suffocate under a blanket.

…Well, he did, but… he didn’t actually, that would simply be embarrassing. He’d like to have a little dignity in his death.

The movie put on was, of course, a disney film by Roman’s demand. Remus had booed and insisted they should watch a horror film instead but Patton had seemed terrified at the idea of anything remotely gorey, so it was put to rest.

“For now” Remus had said ominously, as if he had some sort of evil plan. Janus wasn’t sure what he exactly planned on doing, waiting until Patton was asleep or something? It was also when Virgil came in and helpfully tossed them a bunch of sweets and junk food, sarcastically waving his arms in the air as he yelled in a deadpan voice, “Foood rainnn!” 

Janus couldn’t help but snort at the act, Virgil looked tired. It wasn’t too late but more ideas for films to watch after the current one kept coming up, so he had no idea how long this whole thing was meant to go on for. Plus Virgil was by no means a social person either, having all these people in his house was probably tiring.

He didn’t make a grab for anything, given he hadn’t picked anything out. But to his surprise, Roman threw a bag in his direction. He caught it with a jump back, blinking down at the bag in his hands.

“Here. I thought you’d like ‘em.” Roman said. …Gummy snakes. He looked up with a glare, meeting Remus’ eyes who only grinned at him widely, “Gummy snakes! This is all you’re gonna get from all three of us. Forever.” 

Patton gasped, “You like gummy snakes!? Ooo! Well now i know what to get you when i buy snacks.” Janus let out a sigh, unable to force down the smile that crept up on his face.

Fuckin’ dorks. 

–

It had been… surprisingly fun, actually. He found himself easing up, laughing and smiling as the movies played on and on, joining Roman as he harshly pointed out every error and plot hole in the movies he claimed to love so deeply. It was just how he showed his love, apparently. Janus just found it fun to make fun of things. 

But after a while and a few movies, Patton fell asleep. After that, the volume was turned significantly down so they wouldn’t wake him and the noise kept to a minimum. Eventually the early hours of morning started to creep in, and it had become a pile of sleeping bodies tangled in blankets and pillows.

Well, except for Janus. Janus was wide awake. 

Unfortunately, the distraction only worked while it was… well, distracting him. As soon as silence fell as he was alone with his thoughts in a dark room… well, he was no longer at ease. 

Don’t get him wrong, it wasn’t utterly silent. He could hear light snores and sleep mutters. But it wasn’t doing much for his overworking brain. White noise wouldn’t keep his brain from working the graveyard shift. Wait… light snores?

He furrowed his brows, he knew that was Roman, he’d heard them plenty, but… where were the horrifically loud gross snores he was expecting from Remus? There was no way that guy was a silent sleeper. Impossible.

He sat up, letting his eyes adjust to the darkness as he scanned his surroundings. Remus was in the corner, he… looked asleep. But… nothing. Silence. Janus squinted his eyes suspiciously, scooting closer.

“...Remus? Are you awake?” He whispered into the silence. Nothing. … He tried again, “...Remus…?” 

Still nothing.

Huh, maybe he really was–

“ Boo !” Suddenly Remus shot upwards, whisper-shouting as he held up his hands like claws. “Jesus fuck-!” Janus’ hand shot up to cover his mouth as he let out his yelp, glancing over quickly to see if he had woken either of the other two up.

…Nope. Heavy sleepers, he supposed. He let out a sigh, turning to give Remus a death glare. Remus looked like he was holding in absolute barrels of laughter, as if he’d just committed the funniest joke known to man. 

Janus disagreed.

“Your face!” He said under his breath, “That was hilarious .” Remus said, nodding to himself as if to confirm it. Janus huffed, “It was not , it’s the middle of the night dumbass, we kind of have to be, you know, quiet.”

Remus shrugged, “I was quiet. You were loud.” He said matter-of-factly. Janus scowled, “You are so lucky it’s too dark in here to punch you accurately.” Remus hummed, shuffling his way out of the blanket fort covering them in darkness.

“Well, come out then.” He said, grinning brightly. Janus rolled his eyes, “Wow, thanks genius.” He muttered as he crawled out himself. It was admittedly lighter outside the blanket structure, thanks to the light of the moon outside. 

“Sooo, how come you’re awake?” Remus asked, stretching out his legs across the floor and he lent back on his hands. Janus turned to look at him as he crossed his legs to sit down properly on the floor, “Why are you awake?” He countered.

Remus brought a hand to his face, stroking it as if stroking some sort of imaginary moustache, “I see. It’s like that is it? Well, if you must know, I'm not good at sleeping. I mean, like, I just… don’t. Not until my body’s exhausted to the point of sleep, anyways. I just don’t get tired until I've used up the full tank!”

Janus raised an eyebrow at him, “Really…? I guess I get that…” He murmured, he knew all about his good friend insomnia, “... but I thought it was a thing for mentally ill people.” He said idlily, flicking his wrist. Remus snorted, “I don’t know if I qualify, but I'm certainly not mentally healthy.”

Janus thought about it, he… supposed that was true. Remus was definitely not your average person. His brain seemed to be a nonstop running machine of disgusting thoughts. He lacked a filter and apparently, the ability to sleep. Not to mention he snuck crap-filled drinks into school just to chug them at lunch time.

He had his own share of those kinds of thoughts, Dr Picani had called them ‘intrusive thoughts’ if he remembered correctly. The things Remus said never truly bothered him or disturbed him like they did someone like Patton, although some of them were just gross.  

He definitely could do with not voicing the ones about bowel movements, or about his vivid… inappropriate thoughts.

“I guess so. It’s probably not normal to have a brain full of thoughts most people would vomit at hearing about.” Janus said casually. Remus snickered in response, “Nope! It’s alright though. I’m used to it. They’re good creative inspiration.” 

True enough, Janus had seen Remus’ art. It was good, if… a little goreish. 

“So, why are you awake?” Remus asked, flipping over onto his stomach and propping his head up on his hands. Janus scoffed at the position looking like a stereotype of a gossiping teenage girl, before going quiet. He turned to look out the window, “...Thinking.”

Remus hummed, “Shocking. Care to enlighten me?” Janus paused for a moment. He could tell Remus. It wouldn’t have any consequences . Remus already knew he was fucked up, already knew that, obviously, being a foster kid, something must have gone wrong with his parents. 

Maybe talking to someone about it would help. He hadn’t actually tried, not interested in Virgil and Logan’s opinions on the matter, and he hadn’t seen his therapist yet. Maybe hearing a second opinion from someone who would be brutally honest with him might… help?

He took a deep breath, “My mum.” He turned to meet Remus’ gaze, who looked surprised Janus was actually opening up. He blinked, “..What about her?” He asked. 

“..Well, I got a call from my case worker. And he told me she’s been asking to see me. She’s… in the psych ward.” Janus muttered, leaning back onto the pile of pillows behind him. 

Remus nodded, “Cool, got it. So… why are you thinking so hard about it?” Janus stared down into his lap, “... I don’t know if I want to see her. Before I came here, to live with these guys… I lived with her.” 

“Wait, this is your first foster home?” Remus asked, surprise in his voice. Janus shook his head, “No, no.. it’s not. I.. was put in the system originally when I was about… seven? When my dad went to jail. My mum was deemed unfit to care for me, so…” He trailed off, looking up to gauge Remus’ reaction.

He looked… like a  child being told a bedtime story. Janus couldn’t help but internally snort at the sight. The guy was truly unbothered. He continued, “But she kept fighting to get custody of me back. About a year ago, she… finally got rights to me back, so… I went to live with her again.” 

He hugged his arms around himself, squeezing his eyes closed tight. He knew what happened after that. 

“Jan… you good?” Remus asked, reaching out to poke his leg. Janus’ eyes shot open again, “Huh… oh, yeah. It’s just… well, it didn’t go… well. She… loved me. I know she did. But she’s… I don't know. She didn’t always see things how they were. She didn’t always see me as… me. And… well, she didn’t always like what she saw.” 

He gripped his arms tighter, digging his nails in, “I wanted things to be okay. And sometimes they were… but not often enough.” He let out a shaky breath, forcing his body to relax a little.

After a moment of silence and deep breaths, he flopped down on the floor, “...You’ve heard stuff about me at school, right?” He asked, staring up at the ceiling. He heard a shuffle, “..Uh, yeah, I have.” Remus responded. 

“...The suicide stuff?” Janus asked, deciding to be blunt about it. He didn’t get a response for a moment until he heard a sigh, “... Well, yeah. Ya know, people saying you have to ask for sharp objects from teachers and that you get watched a lot…” 

Janus huffed a laugh, “Sounds about right. Well… I mean. Uh, …don't know how else to say this except… I mean… It's true. I’m not getting special treatment for nothing.” He laughed dryly.

After a moment of silence, he kept talking, “... I was just… done. But, well, you can see i’m here! So clearly i didn’t do a good job. Anddd that’s how i ended up here. And why half the shit in the kitchen is locked.” He weakly waved his hand in the air. 

“Well, it’s one heck of a story.” Remus murmured, “...That sucks. I’m sorry, dude. But i’m glad… you’re still here.” Janus pushed himself up onto his elbows, looking at Remus with disbelief, “You did not just say that dumb ass cheesy thing to me!” 

A grin spread across Remus’ face, “I so did. I’m sooo glad you’re here right now!” Janus huffed, “You bastard. How dare you.” Remus cackled, flipping himself over so he was looking upright, “But really. Suicide is lame. Queen said it himself.” 

Janus raised an eyebrow, “You listen to Queen? ” Remus shrugged, “I listen to a lot of stuff. Don’t really got a genre. Only vibes.” Janus sighed, letting himself fall back onto the floor.

“I think i’m getting better. I don’t know. I go to therapy and stuff. I… think about it less.” He said quietly, “...But now i’m thinking about this mother shit. I don’t know what to do about it. And i feel like the longer i take to decide, the worse it’ll get.” 

Remus hummed as if in deep thought, “Well… do you want to leave it behind you?” Janus blinked, confused, “...What?”

Remus pulled himself up into a sitting position, “Well, like… if you go, then you’re reigniting all your past memories, you know? I’m not saying you shouldn’t, but, well… if you don’t, it’s like you’re moving on. Well and truly leaving your old life behind. It just depends on… whether you’re ready to move on or not.” He shrugged. 

Janus stopped, he… hadn’t thought about it like that. He never viewed this as… a new life. He’d never drawn a line between new and old, even considered that he could simply… move on. Become someone new.

That would rely on him staying here, though. Here with the Sanders, for… a long time. In this town, with these people he knew as friends and… others. He… would be cementing himself into this life. 

But Remus was right. Going to see her would only drag up his old memories, drag him down with them, pull him back into his torment. It would keep him in his old ways for longer, lingering on what his life used to be. Keep him relapsing, breaking down and keeping him up at night. 

And yet… 

“I…” His voice came out shaky, eyes becoming wet and blurred, “This sounds so stupid… but i… i would fucking kill a man just to have her hug me like she loves me again.” He whispered. 

Silence followed. He heard movement, and jumped when he realised Remus had moved to lay down right next to him. His hand was reached out, almost like an offer… in case Janus wanted it, he guessed. 

“...That’s fair. It’s okay if you’re not ready. If… you want to, go. Even if you know it’ll hurt you, I mean… you’re a human. Humans are fucking dumbasses.” A teary, dry laugh escaped Janus’ mouth, “So go be a dumbass. Get that hug. Feel shit after. Want to die, whatever, whatever it is you need to do man.” 

Janus sniffled, reaching up to wipe his stray tears away, “I can’t tell if you’re awful at advice or good at it.” Remus laughed, “I’m amazing, obviously. But seriously, don’t force yourself to let go if you’re not ready. Even if it’ll have shitty consequences. People will be here to support you. Those nerds are good parents, i swear. I’ve watched how much Roman has changed. For the better.”

Janus let out a soft sigh, he was starting to get that. No matter what he did Virgil and Logan never turned on him. Although he wasn’t sure how they’d react to him purposely putting himself through something he knew he would suffer from. “If you’re feeling shit after and want to get away from them, we can like… go to the skate park and do graffiti after if you want.” Remus offered.

Janus scrunched his face up, “Is that how you deal with your emotions? Crime? ” He could feel the shit-eating grin on Remus’ face, even if he couldn’t see it. “Well duh! Come on, you can’t convince me you haven’t committed a few crimes. I see it in  you.” Remus said knowingly. Janus felt a small smile tug at his lips.