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Chapter Text

“Does he like Exy?”

“Jesus Christ, Neil.”

The library was almost empty. Not many people seemed to find its walls great company on a Sunday morning. Neil was only there because Matt had texted him halfway through his morning run, the current state of his essay a disaster waiting to disaster, as he’d called it. 

Neil knew nothing about the Enlightenment and next to nothing else about solid essay structure. He figured he just wanted an easy distraction. Neil didn’t mind, happy to listen to him talk about anything and everything. Currently, he was talking at length about a new student he’d befriended. 

Neil flicked his pen at Matt. “Yes or no?” 

“I don’t think it’s very popular down there,” Matt hummed. “They’re more into ball sports. He is into math, though, like you. Freaky.” 

“Math makes more sense than that old crap.” 

“You’d give my professor a heart attack if she heard you say that.” Matt smirked. “Go find her so I don’t have to finish this essay.”

“I’m not killing your teacher.”

Matt’s eyes softened, going comically wide. “Pretty please, Neil.”

Neil retrieved his pen just so he could flick it at Matt one more time. 

Jacob ended up being in his statistics class. 

Any new face in any of his classes always had Neil on edge. It took him a while to settle himself, the introduction of the class always drowned out by Neil’s mind working a million miles an hour, trying to match the new face to a face from his past. He didn’t realise the new student was Matt’s friend, not immediately at least.

Matt had failed to mention his name, but after class Jacob introduced himself right away. Neil stiffened as he made a bee-line for him, his skin crawling at being recognised. Rationally, he knew Matt would’ve described him. Neil’s face wasn’t exactly one you could ignore. It still left him on edge, calves tense when Jacob settled in front of him. 

The first thing Neil noticed was Jacob’s height. The second thing Neil noticed was his accent. 

“You’re Neil, right?” Low, thick, a little slurred. Names came rushing like flash cards in Neil’s mind. English? South African? “Nice to meet you, mate, I’m Jacob.” No. Australian. 

“Stereotypical, don’t you think?”

“Yeah, on purpose. Saves the inevitable.” 

“Right,” Neil started to walk away. Jacob followed. 

There was a lull, and then, “Palmetto is way bigger than my last uni, you know? So many more people. I’m not used to it.”

After all this time, Neil should’ve been more used to small talk. He wasn’t. He hated it. He didn’t say anything, taking a note from Andrew’s playbook and raising an eyebrow instead. 

“I mean, I’m from the country, so anything in comparison is bigger.” Jacob was friendly enough, not seeming to care that Neil wasn’t biting. He could see why Matt liked him. “You from the city?” 

Neil’s brain went in a circle for a second, metaphorically loading all the files labeled Neil Josten. Neil Josten was from, “Baltimore.”

“Cool.”

Neil’s lips twitched. He was glad he was at the  point where he could muster a dry laugh. “Not really.” 

“Shitty city?”

It occurred to Neil that if Jacob was new, he had no idea who he was, or the intricate details of the shit show from the year prior. It was strangely nice. Refreshing. Neil was sick to death of the stares he got from people around campus. “You could say that.” 

“Sucks.” Another lull, then, “Matt says you’re on the exy team.”

Neil became the slightest bit more animated. “Do you play?”

“Nah, it’s not as big as it is here back home. It’s down the list with lacrosse.” He must’ve pulled a face because Jacob laughed. “Noted. I won’t make that comparison again.”

“Not in front of Kevin. He’ll have a stroke.”

“I think I know who that is.”

“If you hang around long enough, you’ll know.” 

Neil stopped in front of his next class, only a few other students mingling around. Jacob bounced around on his heels, the muscles of his jaw tensing and untensing, like he was figuring out what to say. Like it mattered. Neil watched him quietly, failing to understand why a goodbye was so hard for a stranger. 

“It was nice to meet you.”

Andrew’s voice floated in Neil’s mind, no it wasn’t. But that wasn’t true, not exactly. Neil would’ve preferred silence, and not having to speak to anybody between his classes, but the conversation with Jacob wasn’t… unpleasant. Neil was trying to get better at being ‘friendly’ and it wasn’t as if Jacob was rude. Matt liked him, that had to mean something. 

“Yeah.”

Jacob laughed again. Neil didn’t know what was so funny. 

“We should do this again. Maybe we could study together?”

Statistics was Neil’s best class, his other marks not coming close. He didn’t need help, he didn’t want help, but he supposed company wouldn’t be awful. “If you know what you’re doing, sure.”

“Math is like, all I can do, man,” Jacob grinned. “I guess I’ll see you later.”

Neil mustered a crooked smile. He waved Jacob off, his phone buzzing with a text. He struggled to find it in his deep pocket, Neil blew a huff of air out of his nose when he eventually read the text. 

It was Matt. 

He’s cool right?!?

Neil looked up from his phone, searching for Matt. He knew some of his classes were nearby, and it didn’t take long for Neil to spot him. He was a decent distance away, but not far enough that he wouldn’t be able to see the middle finger Neil threw his way. He could hear Matt’s boisterous laugh like he was right beside him. 

Neil texted him back. 

Yeah. Cool.

After a few weeks, meeting Jacob in the library to study became part of his routine. 

Neil didn’t intend for it to happen, not really. But after every class Jacob would catch up to him, chat with him, then leave and appear again in the library. It became so familiar that Neil stopped bristling whenever Jacob noisily planted his books on the table in the corner of the library.

Currently, Neil had guided the conversation to exy. 

“I still don’t understand the plexiglass walls.”

“There are four of them.” 

“Shh, yeah,” Jacob took a giant sip of his coffee. “But why even have them? There’s no time to slow down during a throw in, it’s just go, go, go. Don’t you get tired? 

Neil, not ashamed to say he was addicted to the burn on his chest after a game, shook his head. “It’s worth it.”

“It sounds fucking exhausting. I need to try it.”

“You have the height,” Neil finished his final equation and slammed his book shut. Usually, he would leave immediately, but Jacob was nowhere near done and Neil, surprising even himself, felt like staying. “If you have any kind of speed and balance you might be decent.”

“Might? I reckon I’d kill it.”

“You’d kill your hamstrings.” 

Jacob‘s eyes sparked, his, “Piss off,” friendly. 

They continued their back and forth, Jacob gradually leaning closer and closer over the table until the conversation was halted by a looming, Kevin shaped shadow. Neil knew it was him before he even opened his mouth.

“Come to practice early with me.”

Neil didn’t spare him a glance. “Busy.”

“Your books are closed.”

“Fine. I don’t want to.”

Jacob looked behind Neil to greet Kevin, hand extended, a smile stretched across his face. “You must be Kevin. I’m Jacob.”

He didn’t have to see him to know Kevin had that look on his face. It was the one that said he was weighing out his options. Fake smile or real disinterest? He settled somewhere in the middle, Kevin reaching out to shake his hand, his hello without much effort because Jacob was quickly ignored. 

“We didn’t practice last night, so we should go early.”

“Nope.”

Kevin stalked around the table. He put his hands on Neil’s homework, gathering it all together while Neil watched. “Come on.”

“Nope.” 

“You’re doing this just to be an asshole.”

Neil messed up the pile Kevin had just stacked. “Yep.”

“Fuck you,” Kevin went a step further, scooping Neil’s books up in his arms. “We’re going.”

Kevin made his way to leave, but Neil didn’t follow. Jacob watched them curiously, eyes lingering on Kevin. “Is that normal?”

“This is tame,” Neil sighed, finally giving in and getting to his feet. He wouldn’t give Kevin the satisfaction of moving quickly, so he sluggishly untied and retied both of his shoelaces. “Your last two answers are wrong,” he added, tapping at the equations on Jacob’s page. 

Jacob was too distracted to care. “I’ll happily put him in his place if you want me to.”

Neil frowned. “Are you talking about Kevin?” When it was clear he was, Neil’s frown deepened. “I can handle him, he’s harmless.” 

“He’s twice your size.”

“He’s made of play dough.” 

“Okay,” Jacob’s face was more serious than Neil had seen it. It didn’t suit him. “If you’re sure.”

Something itched at Neil’s throat, something that felt a lot like irritation. He couldn’t help himself, never liking to be underestimated. “I don’t think I need to explain to you that I’ve handled worse than Kevin Day’s shitty attitude, and I don’t need any help.”

Jacob immediately threw up his arms, his features smoothing out. “Woah, woah. I’m just trying to look out for you, Neil. Sorry.” 

Neil, not trusting himself to say anything else, rushed out of the library to follow Kevin. 

A week later, the Foxes decided to celebrate their win on Saturday.

The bar chosen was new, pandering entirely to the local university students. The upperclassman had been frequenting it, only taking a few visits to deem it worthy for a night out. Matt had invited Neil, which meant inviting Andrew. Which meant inviting Kevin, which meant inviting the cousins. Neil didn’t think they’d want to come, but any excuse to drink was welcomed.

Idling in the carpark, Neil got a text from Matt. 

Where are you guys?? We’ve scored you a table but these drunk assholes keep on trying to steal it. Get Andrew in here so he can scare them off! 

Neil rolled his eyes. 

Carpark. In soon. 

Andrew glanced at the text, turned off the engine, and said, “Get out.” Kevin, Aaron and Nicky emptied out the backseat, the trio heading inside. Neil stayed put, so did Andrew. 

Neil smirked. “Hey.”

Andrew glared at him. “Yes or no?”

Of course. “Yes.” 

Neil expected a scathing kiss. He didn’t expect Andrew to take his jaw between his finger and thumb and plant a light kiss on his jaw. Neil went cross eyed looking at him, breath punched from his lungs. Andrew refused to look him in the eye, deciding instead to drop his chin and exit the car, making a show of slamming the door shut. 

After collecting himself, Neil stumbled out of the car. He barely caught up with Andrew before the door of the bar slammed shut, Neil sidestepping through like he would two opposing players. He was met with a sticky floor and walls laden with brick. A long bar sat against one wall, a few pool tables crowded in the far corner. Booths and tables were scattered around, decorative half walls clearly dividing the space.

It only took Neil a moment to find his Foxes, crowded around one large table, a half occupied table next to them. Matt was right. One scathing look from Andrew had the boisterous students peeling away from the table, giving them the chance to drag them together.  Neil sat closest to Matt who punched his knuckles in a greeting, already having had a few considering his smile was more lopsided than it usually was. 

It didn’t take long for Nicky to come back with a tray full of drinks, their usual even in the unusual place. He planted Neil’s glass in front of him with a smile. “And for my favourite redhead,” he said, “orange juice.”

“You might as well make it a screwdriver, Neil,” Allison pouted, her straw bright pink from her lipstick. “Have a little fun.”

“I’m fine.” There was a collective groan from the group, Neil feeling his ears redden. “I’m content. How’s that?” 

“Better.” Allison clinked her cocktail with Neil’s juice. “We can work on the synonyms.” 

The two tables descended into conversations, Neil surprised that they were even at this point. Civil conversations, with only minimal snide and no punches thrown. They always talked about how far Neil had come, but he thought they sometimes forget just where they were before him. Kevin wouldn’t be talking to Dan without being forced to, and Allison wouldn’t even be looking at Nicky, let alone giggling with him. 

“Stop it.”

Neil turned to face Andrew. “Hmm.”

Andrew stared at him, then stared a little longer. He downed the last of his whiskey and planted it down in front of Neil. He kicked his foot under the table, Neil doing his best not to react. He didn’t think Andrew would like the others to know he was playing footsies under the table with him. 

Neil started to fiddle with the glass, noting how low his own was getting. “Want another?” Andrew’s leg winding around Neil’s calf was as much as a yes as he was going to get. 

He dragged himself off the chair and made his way to the bar, most of the crowd having gathered to sit down or mingle near the walls by now. It gave Neil an easy path, an open one, so open that he was able to recognise the only other person standing at the bar. His pace faltered only slightly, Neil having not anticipated seeing Jacob tonight. Their last interaction had been… tense. Neil didn’t know if any of it would be lingering.

Feeling eyes on his back, Neil didn’t give himself time to wonder. He leaned against the bar next to Jacob. He waited for the bartenders to finish what they were doing, and waited to be noticed. He quickly felt another pair of eyes on him, this time on his side, and it didn’t take long for Jacob to open his mouth. 

“Neil? Hey.”

“Hello.” 

Silence.

“I uh, aced my assessment.”

“Good.”

In Neil’s peripheral he saw him move, slowly edging closer to Neil. When he turned to face him, Jacob looked a little sheepish. “Can I apologise again for what happened in the library?”

“Don’t, I don’t care.” Neil studied the bottles behind the bar, not liking the earnest way Jacob was looking at him. “Just don’t assume anything about me.” 

“It won’t happen again, trust me,” Jacob leaned across the bar, slightly getting in Neil’s space. An upbeat song bounced out of the speakers, raising the volume of the bar. Jacob had to get closer to speak to him, “My shout.”

Neil furrowed his brow. “I’m only getting juice and whiskey.”

“Then I’ll shout your juice and whiskey.” 

Neil, not used to the easy familiarity between anyone that wasn’t a Fox, tried his best to muster a smile. “Okay.”

Jacob lingered, even after the bartender slid the glasses to Neil. “Thanks.” An awkwardness persisted, Neil wringing his glass. Was he supposed to invite Jacob to the table? Was he supposed to leave him at the bar? 

“Relax, Neil,” Jacob laughed. “You’re supposed to be celebrating. I saw that you won, I watched the game actually.”

Neil sipped his drink, raising an eyebrow. And?

“Fucking insane, I loved it. I’m gonna have to go to every home game now. I don’t think I’ve watched anything like it, and you…” Jacob huffed, shaking his head. “Jesus Neil, you’re good.” 

“Good.”

“Great, fantastic, whatever!” He waved his hand around, sloshing around the drink in his hand. It came precariously close to spilling. “I could watch you play for hours, easy.” 

“Thanks.” Complements had become much easier to stomach, Neil feeling the weight of it in his chest. “I’m here with my team, actually.”

“Matt’s here?” Jacob narrowed his eyes, searching around the room until he spotted him. He tilted his head, beckoning Neil to follow like he had anywhere else to go. He kept his hands over the roof of the two drinks as he made his way back to the table, a habit Neil didn’t plan to break anytime soon. 

“Jacob!” Matt’s long arm would’ve taken Neil out if he didn’t have the reflexes he had. “Hey man.” 

“Oh, so this is your boyfriend, Matt,” Allison drawled, holding out her hand for Jacob to take. His eyes bulged out of his head, Allison not wavering until Jacob shook her hand. She smiled, wide and slow, “Might have to steal him.” 

“Let’s not scare him off,” Renee chided, although her tone didn’t hold any heat.

“Sit, sit.” Matt struggled off his own chair, offering it to a bewildered looking Jacob. He stole an unoccupied chair from a nearby abandoned table, squeezing it between Jacob and Dan. It pushed him closer to Neil, barely an inch between them. 

Jacob was dragged into a conversation with Dan and Matt, Neil happy to sit quietly and let everyone’s voices wash over him. More drinks were brought and passed out, both tables doing a round of shots. Andrew continued to toy with Neil’s leg, like every tap was another drink one of the Foxes downed. 

Eventually, Jacob’s attention found its way back to Neil. His body was twisted, his smile easy. Jacob said, “Your eyes are so blue.”

Andrew’s foot on his calf stilled. 

Neil nodded, trying his hardest not to look back at Andrew. “Yours are brown.” 

“Yeah, yeah.” Jacob’s voice was slurred. “But yours are blue. Oh my god, Neil.”

Neil, having plenty of experience with Kevin, got to his feet. “I think you need some water.” He found a jug being kept safe by Renee, and she was more than happy to pour him a glass. Neil slid it towards Jacob, “My shout.”

“Ha,” Jacob took a large gulp of water. He watched Neil keenly when he sat down, the glass covering his mouth. It left his voice muffled, “You should teach me.”

“What?”

“Exy.”

Neil’s eyes widened. “I’m not a teacher.” 

“You help me with math. You describe things simply without fucking around, it’s good,” Jacob took another large gulp. “Wanna spend more time with you.”

“Ah,” Neil, thinking Jacob wouldn’t remember the conversation in the morning, agreed. “Sure.”

“Good, great,” Jacob hummed. He took Neil’s arm, gently tapping it with his fingers, “You’re amazing, Neil.”

Andrew viciously got up from his seat.

The sound of the scraping chair jolted him, Neil ripping his arm away from Jacob and back to his stomach on instinct. But there was nothing to shield himself from. All Andrew did was finish his whiskey, mutter something about a cigarette, and storm out of the bar. Neil went to follow, but a raise of Andrew’s left hand told him he wanted to be left alone. So Neil stayed put.

“What was that about?” Matt slurred.

Neil shrugged, ignoring Renee's curious look. 

Andrew never came back inside.

It happened again.

Neil was returning from class when he bumped into Jacob, leaning half out of the girls’ dorm, clad in a bright blue jumper. He was laughing at something Matt said, his whole body thrown into the laugh. He would’ve stumbled right into Neil if he wasn’t holding onto the wall, and it made Neil question what he’d said. He didn’t have any balance at all, he’d be terrible at exy.

“Neil, hey,” he said when he noticed him, straightening immediately. Jacob’s smile widened. “I was wondering if I’d see you here.”

“I live here.”

“Yeah, yeah. Look, I needed to ask you something.” Jacob leaned down, instantly closer to Neil. He smelled like spearmint. “Were you serious the other night about teaching me exy?”

Shit.

Neil’s face twisted. Jacob threw his head back in laughter. “Don’t freak out, I don’t think I was serious either. It’s okay, we can just stick to math. I reckon it would be a disaster anyway.” Neil’s lip upturned despite himself, imagining Jacob running a drill with Kevin. He’d probably make him cry, or vomit. Maybe both, likely both.

A door opened, Neil too busy listening to Jacob and Matt’s rambling to take much notice. Jacob especially was hard to ignore, his arm stretched high on the door, leaning right into Neil’s space. It was a little too close for comfort, Neil gradually edging backwards. Jacob didn’t seem to notice, or didn’t seem to mind. 

“Anyway, I should go.”

“It was nice to see you, man.”

“You too,” Jacob’s attention shifted to Neil. He took his bicep in his hand, squeezing lightly. “I’ll see you tomorrow after class?”

There was no reason he wouldn’t. “Sure.”

Jacob squeezed Neil’s arm again before peeling himself away to the stairwell.

Neil said his goodbye to Matt before he made his way back to his own room. It was then when he noticed Andrew. He stood on the threshold, arms crossed, face as impassive as always. But his jaw was clenched, tight. Neil hesitated for a second, wondering if something had happened. He’d been in the dorm all day, what the hell could’ve possibly happened?

“Hey.”

Andrew disappeared back into the dorm.

Neil closed the door when he followed him. It was cold inside, Neil not immediately toeing off his shoes. He bounced on his heels for a moment, trying to figure out the best way to attack this, whatever this was. Neil settled on waiting Andrew out, dumping his books and changing into something more comfortable. He made sure to wear Andrew’s jumper, to lighten his mood if anything. 

Andrew barely glanced at it. “You sure you want to wear that?”

It was a weird response, not what Neil was expecting. If anything, he wasn’t expecting anything at all. Usually Andrew just stared at Neil if he wore his clothes, his eyes doing all the talking for him. For Andrew to actually comment, it meant something. Something Neil was yet to understand. “If you want it back, just say so.”

“Thought you’d want something blue.”

Neil narrowed his eyes. “What?” When Andrew didn’t reply, Neil waved him off. “Whatever.”

The day passed slowly. The tension between them left Neil itchy. 

There hadn’t ever been anything like it before, Neil not knowing what the hell to do or where the hell to start. Any tension between them was always good, or gone within a few minutes. But this was festering, confusing, deadly close to turning septic and Neil was at a loss. He went through every exchange they’d had in the past week, not able to conclude if he’d done or said anything. 

It was fine, until it wasn’t. What had changed?

A knock at the door was a welcome distraction. Neil practically bolted from where he’d been sitting on the couch, the re-run of the USC game too loud in the quiet room. He didn’t take the time to wonder who it would be, throwing open the door without a second thought. Jacob was standing there, his jumper bright amongst the otherwise dull hallway.

Something told Neil that was important.

“Sorry if it’s late, but I found some of your notes with mine,” Jacob handed them over, Neil’s scrawled equations worlds away from Jacob’s clean, straight lines. “I guessed you’d be studying and might’ve wanted them.”

“Thanks.”

The silence stuck to the roof of Neil’s mouth, making his tongue dry.

Jacob went to leave, but stopped himself. “Do you have plans Wednesday night, by any chance? Some mates of mine were gonna go back to that bar. You can come if you want, no pressure.”

Neil was supposed to be going to the house in Columbia with Andrew. With the tension, he wasn’t sure if those plans were still set in stone or crumbling like the backroads they passed to get there. But Andrew was yet to say otherwise, so Neil had to assume, “I’m busy. Sorry.”

“Maybe another time,” Jacob rubbed the back of his neck. “Have a good night, Neil.”

Neil stayed by the door, long after Jacob had left.

When he turned back around, Andrew was gone. 

It didn’t take long for Neil to figure out what Andrew’s problem was.

Two days, to be exact.

They didn’t speak much, which wasn’t unusual. They could go days without talking at all. It didn’t matter. They still spoke with their eyes, their bodies. Currently, Neil had never felt further from Andrew since they'd started their this, the itch persisting to a full body sting. They were supposed to be heading to Columbia tomorrow, but the closer they got the more Neil wondered if Andrew would leave without him. 

Neil was sick of not knowing.

When Kevin finally left the dorm to meet with Wymack, Neil sought out Andrew. He was sitting at one of the desks in the main room. He was on his laptop, fingers gliding across the keyboard, loose papers to his right. Neil flexed his hands. He quickly ducked into the kitchen, grabbing the first thing he saw. He felt a little stupid holding the banana, but it was better than his hands awkwardly draped at his side. 

He managed to keep his voice even, “What are you doing?”

Andrew’s eyes drifted up, slowly. He said, “I’m buying you a plane ticket.”

Neil snorted, unable to believe this was the first thing Andrew had said to him in days. “And where would that plane take me?” 

“Australia.”

Neil’s hand stilled, the banana half peeled and wilting over his hand. “You can’t be serious.” The chair squeaked when Andrew turned back around. His back signalled the end of the conversation, but Neil had just gotten started. 

He noisily made his way to the desk. He stood still behind his chair, giving Andrew ample time to tell him to fuck off. When he didn’t, Neil peered around Andrew, thinking better of spinning his chair back around himself. “Is there something you want to say?”

“Don’t ask-”

“Stupid questions, yeah I know.” Neil cut him off, “I’m stupid. What’s your problem?”

“I don’t have a problem.”

“Since when did you lie?”

“I don’t have a problem,” Andrew emphasised. “You appear to.” 

Neil leaned on the desk, eyes narrowed. He couldn’t tell where the conversation was headed, Neil feeling oddly like a bulb of oil in water. Days of frustration were ready to bleed out of him, and Neil just hoped he wouldn’t say something he’d regret. “I wasn’t aware I couldn’t speak to people.”

“You can do whatever you want.” 

“Then why are you so pissed off?”

Because he was. The pencil in Andrew’s hand was bending, his fists whitening. His eyebrows were drawn, shoulders more raised than they usually were. His voice, always low and always carefully measured, had a slightly sharper glint. The others wouldn’t be able to tell the difference, but Neil paid attention. Andrew was pissed. 

“It sounds like you already know the answer to that.” Andrew crushed the sharp end of his pencil on the page, the lead making a scraping pop. “So stop bothering me.” 

“No.”

“No?”

“You heard me,” Neil abandoned the banana, resisting the childish urge to squish it in his hand. “We’re figuring this out.”

Andrew’s chair scraped on the floor, reminiscent of that night in the bar… after Jacob had been talking to him. Neil blinked off the revelation, following Andrew as he tried to leave. He was quicker than Andrew, putting his speed to good use and rushing in front of Andrew. He still maintained distance between them, catching Andrew’s eyes so he knew how serious he was.

“What is it about him?” Neil didn’t want to say his name in case he pissed Andrew off more. 

Andrew maintained eye contact, although it looked like he would much rather the roof cave in on them than have this conversation. He managed to mutter, “I don’t like him.”

“You don’t like most people. Most people don’t rile you up like this. It’s something else.” 

Andrew kept quiet. Neil kept on prodding. “He’s not a threat, and if he was I could handle it.”

“He’s not a threat,” he said it with so much conviction, Neil guessed Andrew must’ve done some digging. Which made sense. The, “to you,” he added was curious, however.

Neil, well versed in reading between Andrew’s lines, didn’t know what to do with that. “He’s not a threat to me, but you think he’s a threat to you? How the hell could he-” Neil stopped talking. The casual touching, the time spent together, the you’re amazing. Neil careened backwards. “You’re jealous?”

Andrew shouldered past Neil, eyes full of fire. “Shut up.”  

“Andrew-”

Neil couldn’t finish that sentence, the door slamming shut was too loud.

He gave Andrew a few hours to calm down before he went to the roof. 

The wind was biting, Neil ducking his chin into his - Andrew’s - jumper. Neil drifted to the cherry of the cigarette like a moth to a flame, settling down beside Andrew slowly. If he got up and left, Neil would be able to handle it. Maybe. But he didn’t have to worry. Andrew didn’t move, didn’t even turn to acknowledge him. The territory was too unfamiliar, Neil hated it.

There was no point dodging the conversation. “You have nothing to worry about.”

Andrew took a slow drag of his cigarette. He blew the smoke out of his nose, into the open air. Neil drank it greedily, having missed the smell. Neil had no idea just how tightly entwined Andrew had become in his life until they’d drifted. He couldn’t let it happen again, he wouldn’t.

“I mean it, Andrew. I don’t know how you could think otherwise.” He let the vulnerability pour out of him, Neil needing Andrew to know with utmost clarity he meant every word. “I want you. Only you.”

“Want,” Andrew dangled the word between them. He didn’t elaborate.

Neil didn’t need him to. “I can finally want things. You’re one of them, you know that. I know you do.”

With each second that passed, with every slither of breeze that drifted across Neil’s cheeks, he felt the tension ebbing away ever so slowly. He wondered if Andrew would say anything, he wondered if he needed Andrew to say anything. It became clear he did, Neil’s foot starting to tap the concrete. Andrew reached for his ankle, stilling him. He looked up at Andrew, finding his eyes and keeping them there.

“The way he looks at you,” Andrew gritted out, like every word was acid burning his throat. Neil suppressed the urge to reach out to him, knowing how hard it was for Andrew to admit this. He didn’t need to push him any further. “He does not know you to be able to look at you like that.”

Neil heard what Andrew didn’t say.

He doesn’t know you like I know you. 

“I’ll make it clear to him I’m not interested like that,” Neil had to say this, not leaving the roof until he made it clear. “But Andrew, I like him as a friend, I’m not going to stop talking to him.” Andrew’s flared nostril told Neil what he thought about that, but he didn’t object, trusting Neil’s word. It left a lingering tension in Andrew’s shoulders, Neil wanting nothing more than to ease it out of him. 

Neil raised his hand, asking permission in his eyes. Andrew was still before he leaned into his palm. Neil sucked in a harsh breath, needing a moment to collect himself. God. Neil thought he might’ve understood Andrew a bit more. He felt like he could easily dangle himself off the roof, the feelings swarming his chest too much all at once he didn’t know what to do with them.

They sat together in silence, just a little longer.

Chapter Text

A few days passed. Neil was yet to talk to Jacob. 

It wasn’t that he hadn’t tried. He had, many times. But every time his throat got closed up and his tongue felt too big for his mouth. It was one of the few times in Neil’s life that he was lost for words. After a long run Neil realised why: he didn’t want Jacob to stop talking to him.

It was a revelation he shared with Matt, not knowing who else to go to. 

“He doesn’t seem like the type of guy to get angry about it,” Matt had a straw hanging out of his mouth, his bright pink smoothie dripping onto the outside table. “I can’t see him doing whatever you think he’s going to do, buddy.”

The sun was too hot. Neil’s back was itchy from the sweat. It made everything even more irritating. “What if he does?”

“Then he wasn’t really your friend to begin with. Besides,” Matt added, “I think you’re wrong.”

Neil raised an eyebrow. “You don’t think he’s… interested?”

“Nope.”

“I think you’re wrong.”

Matt’s eyes flashed. “Wanna bet?”

“No,” Neil flicked the straw out of Matt’s mouth, sending it to the grass. His pout didn’t make Neil any less victorious. “All I want is a friend, Matt.”

“You have one, and you still will after this. Just find the right time to talk to him,” Matt’s easy tone made it sound easy. Neil knew it wouldn’t be, couldn’t be. Nothing ever seemed to be with him. “He’ll be cool. If not, call me. I’ll kick his ass.”

The edge of Neil’s lip curled upwards. “I hear Australians practice boxing with kangaroos. You sure you can take him?”

Matt threw his head back, his laughter so happy and loud it made Neil’s chest ache. How could he have ever left them? When his laughter subsided, Matt punched his palm with his knuckle. “For you Neil, anything.”

Neil didn’t doubt his conviction, and he didn’t find himself doubting his words.

Neil met Jacob in the library most afternoons, so he decided that afternoon was the one.

They started with small talk, then no talk, Jacob not as chatty as he usually was. It made Neil frown. Neil took the time to study him in the middle of a long equation. He looked tired. Jacob’s dark circles were darker, his cheeks a little puffy. 

Neil was surprised he was friendly enough with Jacob to realise. “Are you alright?”

Jacob blinked. He clearly wasn’t expecting Neil to speak, or notice whatever was wrong with him. “Huh?”

“You look like shit.”

“Jesus fuck,” Jacob laughed. His laugh was a lot like Matt’s. “It feels like home when you say shit like that.”

Neil didn’t understand what that meant.

“It’s nothing, really. I had an early class this morning and my roommate was up all night with his girlfriend,” Jacob yawned. “All. Fucking. Night.” 

It was an opening to the conversation Neil had been meaning to have since that night on the roof with Andrew.

Jacob deserved to know on Neil’s terms that he wasn’t interested romantically, if that was what Jacob even wanted to begin with. Matt had been adamant no, but Andrew’s reaction had Neil going over every interaction he’d had with Jacob. Even if his experience with people romantically was little, Neil could see something there. He didn’t know how to feel.

It was a conversation Neil was putting off for a reason. With itchy palms, Neil tried his best to channel Allison and Nicky. They were always so good at this. “Do you have one?” 

“Hmm?”

“Your roommate has a girlfriend,” Neil winced at the sound of his own voice. He didn’t normally speak this high. He sounded like a teenager. He was so out of his depth. “Do you have one?” 

Jacob blinked for a long moment. Eventually, he shook his head, the side of his neck starting to flush. “No. No, I don’t. No boyfriend either.” 

“Okay.”

“Why are you asking?”

Neil bit the inside of his cheek. “There’s something I needed to tell you. I-”

“Neil!” 

Nicky bounded over to their table. Some of their papers flew to the floor as Nicky settled beside him. He clapped Neil on the shoulder with a smile. “Hello, pretty boys. Need another study buddy?” 

Jacob’s smile didn’t reach his eyes. Neil didn’t bother pretending. 

Friday rolled around. Neil was too focused on the game against the Terrapins to worry about Jacob.

The home crowd slowly spilled into the stadium, the sea of orange as overwhelming as it always was. Neil focused on Kevin’s analysis in the locker room. They’d gone over it all week, from stats to past games. It didn’t stop Kevin from running it past Neil one last time, like he could ever forget the words being rammed down his throat every waking hour. 

“Watch Herrera.”

“I will.”

“What they lack in speed they’ll make up for with aggression,” Kevin said for the eighteenth time. “They’ll trip you before they try to outrun you.”

Neil pulled his laces tight. “Then I’ll just run faster.”

Kevin’s eyes narrowed. “You better.”

It was easy to force the unsavoury memories of the last time they faced the Terrapins when he settled beside Andrew. All thoughts of bloody lockers and smeared glass faded into background noise. Andrew was beside Neil, steady and breathing, unaffected by the chaos of the team scrambling around them.

“Staring.”

“We should ban that word like we banned fine.”

“If we did,” Andrew stood, “then I’d have nothing to say to you.”

Neil’s smile was lopsided. “I’d survive.”

The roar of the crowd was close to deafening when the Foxes entered the court.

Neil busied himself on the bench. His hair had gotten too long, the strands always seeming to get in his eyes at the worst possible times. He’d nearly fumbled a goal last week because he couldn’t see. Neil wouldn’t let it happen again. He doubted Kevin would either. Allison promised to cut his hair, but was yet to find the time. The bandana was his only option.

As Neil fiddled with the bandana he heard Matt shout a greeting. There were footsteps, an obvious shake of hands and a hug, then a looming shadow. Neil followed it with his eyes. He had a sneaking suspicion who he’d find at the other end. Absently, he wondered where Andrew was and how obvious his glare would be.

Jacob was decked out in an orange jersey, his cheeks painted the same hue. “Hey,” he grinned. “Good luck tonight.” 

“Don’t need luck,” Neil’s voice was muffled through the bandana in his mouth. He managed to wrangle his hair after a few tries, the orange clashing terribly with the auburn. Neil smirked to himself. Andrew had expressed how much he hated it. Neil hadn’t trained or played without it since. 

Jacob’s eyes were a little brighter than they were before when Neil was done. “You um… you forgot-” he wiggled his fingers, giving Neil ample time to pull himself away when he reached forward. Neil felt no need to stop him from tucking the strand under the fabric. It was a practical thing, something platonic. Matt had done it for him before, so had Renee. “There.”

“Thanks.” 

“Thanks.” Jacob stared at Neil for a moment before he burst into laughter. “Fuck. What am I thanking you for? Jesus. Sorry.”

Neil shrugged. “It’s alright.”

“Anyway, good luck again, even if you don’t need it,” Jacob tugged at his own ear. It was bright red. “I’m sure you’ll kill it. You always do.”

“We’ll see,” Neil turned back to his team. Andrew was watching, brows furrowed. Neil’s heart did a little flip. “I better go. Enjoy the game.”

“You’re playing,” Jacob said. “‘Course I will.”

The words echoed in Neil’s head, louder than the first whistle. 

The Foxes won. 6 - 8.

Neil was sweating buckets by the time they made it to the locker room. 

He collapsed on the bench, calves shaky. He closed his eyes to the sound of the Foxes closing lockers and complaining about the refs. Kevin was the loudest. Even though they’d won it was a hard fought battle, a few late goals by Neil getting them over the line. He’d been targeted in the first quarter, Herrera his biggest problem. It was nothing Neil couldn’t handle, especially with Andrew shutting down the goal, each of his hits fiercer than the last. 

Matt rested his elbow on Neil’s head. “You’re a star, Neil.”

“So I’ve been told,” Neil peeled off his sock, grimacing at the wet sound it made when it hit the floor. “I don’t think stars are meant to feel this sticky.”

“No, Neil, stars are meant to be hot,” Nicky winked. “Lucky for you you’re hot and sticky, like your friend from down unda’.” 

“Shut up, Nicky,” Aaron grumbled.

“What?! I only ever speak the truth-”

“Except when you don’t.”

“Seriously, he’s not only nice to look at, he’s nice,” Nicky stuck his head around Neil, who at this point was completely boxed in by the backliners. “Invite him to the after party.”

“There’s an after party?”

“No, but there can be.”

“I can ask the girls,” Matt threw on a shirt. “Everybody in?”

Neil stayed quiet as the rest of them sent a chorus of yeses Matt’s way. He was too busy tapping his fingers on the bench, staring Andrew down. His hazel eyes were alight, jaw tight. Tense. The exhaustion he had to be feeling wasn’t obvious, not even to Neil who was used to all of Andrew’s tells by now. He was a brick wall, the hammer to break it in Neil’s hand.

He had to tell Jacob tonight. 

The ride home was quiet. 

Neil was twitchy, anxious, especially after Matt told him Jacob had agreed to the party. He wondered where all the courage he’d mustered the other day was gone. It was stupid, ridiculous really. It was a simple confession, one of the easiest in comparison to most - if not all - of Neil’s past confessions. It was nothing. 

But no, not quite.

It was Neil’s first friendship outside of exy on the line. It was a lot.

They were the last to show. Andrew remained silent. He looked like he wanted nothing more than to grab his cigarettes and simmer on the rooftop. Neil was moments from knocking on the door when a shadow loomed to his right. He knew who he’d find. Neil managed to throw on a neutral expression before he faced Jacob. Easy, like one would throw on a pair of sweats. 

“Hey, Neil.”

“Jacob.”

“Guess you didn’t need luck after all.” Jacob’s attention shifted to Andrew. 

Neil looked between them. His heart jackrabbited, especially when Andrew’s eyes narrowed. 

“You’re Minyard,” Jacob extended his hand. “The goalkeeper twin, right?” 

Andrew didn’t take his hand. 

Jacob lowered his own. His easy smile didn’t waver. “Great game tonight, man. Must be happy Neil’s on your side, hey? Would be fucked to have him trying to score against you.” 

“I hate him.” 

Jacob sent a nervous glance to Neil. “He’s not that bad.” 

Andrew’s fist clenched. 

“I mean, he’s got a mouth on him but-”

Neil, hearing the telltale clink of knives, stepped in front of Andrew. “How about we go inside?”

“Yeah, okay,” Jacob cleared his throat and knocked on the door.

Renee opened it. “Allison's just opened the tequila.” Her eyes darkened a little when she saw Andrew. It wasn’t much, but it was enough of a shift that Neil noticed. Renee could tell something had happened. “Andrew, we have that spiced rum you enjoy. I’ll pour you a glass.”

Jacob hurried inside, tracking down Matt who cheered drunkenly when he saw him. Andrew ambled inside. Neil closed the door behind them. He took in the scene, scanning the room to count the Foxes one by one. He breathed easier knowing they were all accounted for. None of the freshmen were there, which eased at least one of Neil’s headaches that night. 

Neil pulled Andrew to the side when he had his drink. He’d given him a moment with Renee who did most of the talking. Neil could only guess what it had been about. Given the razors Andrew was sending Jacob’s way, Neil’s guesses were limited and likely correct. He couldn’t dwell, not when Andrew was sharing the dark corner of the girls’ room with him, the irritation in the set of his jaw drawing even more shadows towards them. 

“What was that?” Andrew’s silence, usually so grounding and calming, ate away at Neil’s patience. “Were you seriously going to pull your knives on him? I told you to stay out of it, Andrew.”

“No.”

“No?”

Andrew grit his teeth. “I can’t.”

“Yes you can,” Neil said, struggling to keep his voice down. He just had to hope the music drowned them out. He hated to do this in front of the team. “And you will.”

Something flashed in Andrew’s eyes. “You haven’t told him. Why?”

Neil faltered for a second. “I haven’t gotten the chance.”

“Tell him,” Andrew spoke slowly, each syllable dripping molasses. “Or I will.”

“Bullshit,” Neil knew a lie when he saw one. “I’ll handle it.”

“Go ahead.”

“Fine.”

Andrew downed the entirety of the spiced rum in one gulp. “Tick tock.”

Neil snatched the glass from him. It was petty, childish. It wouldn’t be hard for Andrew to find another. But Neil needed the last word, and if his throat was too tight to speak that was the best he could do. He stalked away from Andrew, ignoring Renee’s gaze. He stopped in the kitchen, filled the glass with water and downed it, then downed another.

“I hope that’s not vodka.”

Neil exhaled sharply at the sound of Jacob’s voice. He spun around, taking longer to throw on his mask than usual. “It’s water.”

Jacob nodded. The humour was gone when he asked, “You good?”

“Fine,” Neil squeezed his eyes shut. “Not fine. Just… tired.”

“I’m surprised you’re still on your feet after the game. I’m surprised any of you are.”

“You get used to it.”

“Ah,” Jacob leaned back against the counter, arms crossed. “What’s really going on? Is Minyard giving you problems?”

It startled a laugh out of Neil. “You have no idea.”

“I can talk to him.”

“Like you offered to talk to Kevin?”

“Right,” Jacob hummed. “Lesson learned. I won’t interfere, not unless you want me to.”

“Don’t. And you shouldn’t,” Neil rolled the glass back and forth. “You wouldn’t win.”

“He’s five foot even, Neil,” Jacob’s eyes widened. It was like he was nudging Neil without touching him. “No offense, but I like my odds.”

“I don’t,” Neil took a deep breath. “I’ve been meaning to talk to you.”

“About what?”

“Something.”

“Alright,” Jacob’s eyes were searching, assessing. “You are okay, Neil, aren’t you?”

“It’s not about me. Not really, fuck,” Neil groaned. Someone turned the music up. “It’s about you.”

“Did I do something?”

“No. Not really." Neil closed his eyes. "I don’t know.”

“You can talk to me, Neil,” Jacob sounded so much like Matt it gave Neil whiplash. “If it’s hard, maybe I can go first. I wanted to ask you something.”

Neil’s eyes shot open. He might not have been the most socially inept, nor the greatest when it came to social cues and people. But Neil had spent enough time with his Foxes watching all kinds of awful romantic movies. He feared he knew where this was headed, and he had to nip it in the bud before Jacob could speak, for his own sake.

“Do you have feelings for me?”

Jacob’s mouth fell agape. He collected himself just as quickly, eyes frantic. He was looking everywhere but Neil. “What?”

“Because if you do then I’m sorry but I don’t look at you that way and I never will,” the words were tumbling out of Neil in a waterfall, hurried and messy and he couldn’t hope to stop them. “I’m seeing someone. Even if I wasn’t, I couldn’t guarantee I’d look at you that way anyway because I don’t feel attraction like most people. It’s not that easy for me, never has been.”

The kitchen fell into stunned silence. The party continued behind them.

“I want to remain friends, and keep studying with you,” Neil added when Jacob hadn’t moved. He was a statue. A tall, baffled statue. “That’s all it can be. I can’t give you anything else, I’m sorry.” He wasn’t. Neil had nothing to apologise for. He just remembered characters in those movies saying similar things, and thought it was the right thing to say. It was the only thing that hadn’t come from Neil’s honesty. He thought he’d done a decent job despite the fact.

Jacob’s stillness was starting to unnerve Neil. “Jacob?”

He blinked a few times, needing a moment to collect himself. What he said was unexpected. “Did I make you uncomfortable?”

Now it was Neil’s turn to be baffled. “What? No, no. Someone else noticed things you were doing and saying. They thought you were, you know, interested like that.”

“You didn’t notice?”

“No. Not until they said something.”

“But were you uncomfortable?”

“No. Were they right?”

Jacob’s ears were bright red. “Maybe. Shit, shit.”

Neil, not knowing what to do with his hands, kept on clenching and unclenching them. His cheeks were hot, his chest was fuzzy. He never wanted to do anything like this ever again. “I don’t care, this doesn’t change anything. If I was ever uncomfortable I would’ve told you, trust me.”

“I do,” Jacob ran his hands over his face. “I still feel like a monumental dickhead though, Neil.”

“You shouldn’t.”

Jacob’s laugh was half hearted. “Yeah, maybe. I should’ve known.”

Neil frowned. “What?”

“I should’ve known someone like you would already have someone,” Jacob admitted. “You’re great, Neil, you’re all the synonyms I've been going on about. You’re strong and honest, electric. I’ve never met anyone like you. I could only try.”

And he might’ve gotten the chance if Neil hadn’t interrupted him. It was entirely possible Jacob wasn’t about to ask him out. Neil wasn’t sure. Now everything was out in the open, he had to know. “Was that what you were going to ask me before?”

Jacob tugged his lips between his teeth. “No, I just… wanted to ask if you understood the chi-square test. Went right over my head in the last lecture. Don’t, uh, don’t worry about it, man.”

Neil didn’t like the sad look on his face. He was more sincere this time when he said, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Jacob squeezed Neil’s bicep. “I don’t mind. Just tell me one thing.”

“What?”

“It’s not Kevin, is it?”

Neil’s eyes bulged out of his head. “God, no.”

Jacob whistled. Most of the sadness was gone. Maybe Neil wasn't the only one with a mask. "Guess I can flirt with him next then.”

It was an attempt to lighten the mood. It did. Neil huffed, shaking his head. “Yeah, good luck with that.”

“If not him, maybe Reynolds.”

“You have a death wish.”

Neil didn’t know how long they spent in the kitchen. No one noticed when they re-entered the party. The Foxes were multiple tequila shots in, it would be a miracle if any of them noticed a missing limb. Jacob squeezed Neil's bicep one more time before he downed a shot Matt handed him. He sent Neil one final smile before burying himself in discussion with a highly animated Dan.  

The music was louder, pulsing. Neil felt the weariness from the night creeping back into his muscles, settling into his joints, pressing down his eyelids. He rubbed his face, throat itchy, and looked for Andrew. He was leaning against the far wall, Renee by his side. Face unreadable. One look at Neil and Renee was on her feet searching for Allison.

Neil sidled up to Andrew with a sigh. “I did it.”

Andrew sipped his rum.

“Can we go?”

Andrew finished his rum. “How did he take it?”

“I’m tired.”

A thumb and forefinger rested on Neil’s jaw. “How. Did. He. Take. It?”

“Better than I thought he would,” Neil felt like jelly under Andrew’s hand. “He didn’t make a fuss or a move, not that he would have.”

“Reactions are not guaranteed.”

“I have a pretty good idea how you’d react if I fainted from exhaustion right now.”

“You’re dramatic,” Andrew let him go, glass abandoned. “Come on.”

They bid their farewells quickly. There were some answers, most of them slurred or shouted. Neil made sure to find Jacob and wave. He didn’t miss the way Jacob stared at Andrew, eyes widening in realisation before the door was slammed. Neil leaned on Andrew the entire way back to their own room, the near dead weight not bothering him in the slightest even after the tough game they'd had and all the rum he'd been drinking.

Neil would have to reiterate to Jacob just how wrong he was. Even with the height difference there was no way he would beat Andrew in a fight, not even the slightest chance. Especially not when Neil was involved. It was a thought that persisted. Neil found his gaze lingering on Andrew as they changed, on his toned arms and broad chest. He couldn’t imagine looking at anyone the way he looked at Andrew.

“Staring.”

“I like looking at you.”

Andrew’s own gaze snapped to him. He silenced him with a question and a kiss. 

They settled in the same bed that night. It was something new they were trying. It didn’t work every night, some worse than others. Both of their nightmares were volatile, ferocious things. Sometimes it took hours for it to be too much, other times it only took minutes. But there were good nights as well. Neil had a feeling tonight would be a good one. He could only hope so, but he could never push Andrew, nor would he push Neil. 

“I know I’m not going to get a thank you,” Neil spoke into Andrew’s shoulder. His skin was warm, cloudy with pale freckles. “I don’t think I want one.”

Andrew’s lack of response was just as loud as a verbal one. 

“That was hard for me. And it was hard for you too.”

Finally, Andrew said, “Define hard.”

“Weird, something we haven’t had to do before.”

“We.”

“And you say I’m the dramatic one,” Neil yawned. “It was hard, but I did it because it upset you. I don’t like fighting you, Andrew.”

Andrew twisted his body so he could get a better look at Neil, holding himself up on his elbows. It shifted Neil’s head. He fell off Andrew’s shoulder onto the pillow with a huff. “Is that what that was?”

“I think so?” the two of them exchanged furrowed brows. “Uh oh.”

“What?”

 “We were fighting. You like me.”

Andrew rolled his eyes and laid back down. “Hate.”

“Mhmm. Don’t believe you.”

“Go to sleep.”

He tried. Neil’s head was still foggy, his throat still tight. Even Andrew’s hand curling around his wrist wasn’t enough to send him to dreamland. He realised what was caught in his throat was nothing more than words he still needed to say. Even if Andrew didn’t want to hear them, Neil had to say them.

“He’s still my friend,” Neil murmured. “That hasn’t changed.”

Andrew’s fingers tightened around his wrist. “That’s not what matters to me.”

Neil heard what Andrew didn’t say.

You are what matters to me. 

He fell asleep to the gentle caress of Andrew tracing patterns on his skin.