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Rain Recs, thiccboimork's harry potter reading list, thiccboimork's reading list, AverageFish Discord Recs, fics that kept me staring at my screen all night, Evil HP Blorbos, Harry Potter, FunnyFicsForARainyDay, ¯´☆✭.¸_ script's favorite fics of all time _¸.✭☆´¯
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2021-08-25
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2023-07-23
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7/?
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no amount of therapy can help

Summary:

The entire internet is aware of occultist youtuber Lord Voldemort's infatuation with niche content creator JustHarry.
The entire internet is baffled.

Notes:

i can't believe i had to do most of this on photoshop... how does a youtube comment template not exist in the year of our satan 2021

(See the end of the work for more notes and other works inspired by this one.)

Chapter 1: JustHarry

Chapter Text

                                                                       

                                                                      

 

"What's up everybody, today i'm reviewing this ugly broom. Despite looking like it was plucked from some kind of 70s-inspired hell, this sad excuse for a cleaning implement is the latest product from Cleansweep.

As you all know, I try to be as impartial as possible in my broom reviews. That said, I think the Cleansweep Broom Company is the worst thing to happen to brooms since vacuum cleaners, and that it was put on earth for the specific purpose of tormenting everyone who has at least the faintest sense of what a quality broom is like.

If the color scheme hasn't already tipped you off, this is a terrible, awful, very bad broom. First of all, the handle is not only crooked, but also so thin and badly made that if you hold it slightly too tight it will suddenly crumple in your hands like your will to live after graduating college – "

 

                                                                      

 

✨mimbulus✨: uhhh.... what was that white thing screeching in the background at 5:31?

         || Forge: it's his pet owl, obviously

                || ✨mimbulus✨: ..............OBVIOUSLY................

 

                                                                       

                                                                       

 

Werewolf McWerewolf: HARRY GO TO SLEEP

       || TonyGODstein: ...I'm pretty sure this man hasn't slept since 2014

 

                                                                       

                                                                       

 

Chapter 2: Lord Voldemort

Notes:

excited to say i stooped even lower in this chapter. the last picture was done in microsoft paint

Chapter Text

                                                                     

 

“Welcome back everyone. I realize that today's topic is a little unusual for this channel – and that I was supposed to post Part 3 of the Lesser Demon Summoning Ritual – but lately I've had this on my mind, and I wish to share my insights with you all.

Love. A word which, until recently, evoked only distaste in my mind. I had always regarded it as an illusion at best and a weakness at worst. And yet, now faced with it first hand, I feel I have been... enlightened to its value.

I won't get into it – this is not a personal vlogging channel – but let's just say, I have a newly found appreciation for branches of the divinatory arts that I had previously dismissed as pointless. On that note, today I will demonstrate several different ways of reading romantic affinities and love fortunes. We will start with Tarot cards, then move onto runes, bones, dice and the like. And finally, I'll give an overview of some rituals and ceremonies that could prove useful in this area.

For the purposes of this video, I will be using myself as the subject, so... wish me luck."

[…]

[…]

"... Well... Well. Hmm.

Well, this is...

Well...

The – the stars illuminate the endpoint of our current path. If our objective is not aligned with the direction of our current path, we can always adjust the course. This is the very purpose of divination.

But – hmm... Nine of Wands, reversed. Hesitation. Clearly i've so far been too indirect in my approach... Of course, the Reversed Queen of Wands attests that the object of my affections is quite difficult themself – not that I wasn't aware – ”

 

                                                                     

Regulus Blackulus: why is he so good looking.. I just want to know why. Someone explain it.

 

                                                                       

zabinightmare: my mum tried the tarot divination method and apparently her new husband is going to die next month and leave us a fortune 🎵

 

                                                                     

 

DieHardDolohov: why is everyone in the comments so horny this dude is literally just reading cards???

 

                                                                     

Zibah S: I hope he does a video about consecration rituals someday. Using himself as the subject of course. And following the proper steps.

Like, getting completely naked and oiled up and everything. You know... Just to demonstrate...

           || LavLav: believe me, I pray for that every single day

 

                                                                     

                                                                      

Grindelwaltz: Tried five times but the cards keep saying that i need to change myself in order for my beloved to come back to me. There must be something wrong with this technique.

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 3: meanwhile, on Tumblr

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

                                                           

Notes:

any typo is TOTALLY intended for realism purposes and NOT because i only noticed it when i was about to post & couldn't be bothered to fix it hope this helps

Chapter 4: messages

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

                                                                 

 

 

                                                                 

 

 

                                                                 

 

                                                                 

 

 

                                                                 

 

 

Notes:

couple that thirsts together stays together ;)

also yes, in case you're wondering, ron is wearing an ironic Weasley Jumper (tm) that his mother gave him for christmas

(speaking of which. grindelron, anyone?: Blindfold Chess)

Chapter 5: Gilderoy Lockhart | Beauty Tips

Notes:

found a type in one of the usernames in a previous chapter. Absolutely overjoyed to announce that i will NOT go back and fix it have a great day everyone

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

                                                                   

 

GILDEROY: Hello, everyone! I'm Gilderoy Lockhart and I'm here today for another episode of Magical Makeovers with Gilderoy!

HARRY: And I'm here today because I'm being blackmailed.

G: Fantastic! Now, where to start? Harry here is in a way the perfect subject, isn't he? I've never seen someone whose skin is both so dry it's flaking off and greasy enough for adult acne – should I get down to work, or alert the dermatologists? Much to consider on this day...

H: Can we just get on with it please.

G: Tut tut, Harry. Art can't be rushed. And as I've been saying you're a tough case even for one such as yours truly! I mean, the hair alone... And also, you'll forgive me for asking, but do you ever, you know... sleep? There are literal canyons around your poor little eyeballs...

H: That's none of your busirghsmngh – what the –

G: Step one! Hydration! Drink some water Harry!

H: You can't just throw it in my face like that, you fucking –

 

                                                                   

                                                                 

 

tonx: oh shit he practically looks human now

 

                                                                 

                                                               

                                                               

 

LavLav: I knew after the fourth face mask that we were in for a rough ride....then again the video is 3 hours + so i guess i already knew asdfghjkl

 

                                                               

 

SBONES: ok is anyone going to mention the blackmail thing or...

 

                                                               

                                                                 

 

 

Notes:

not mrs weasley thirst-following gilderoy lmfaoooooo

Chapter 6: mimbulus

Notes:

guess who's back! (back again)
i finally repaired my broken laptop with a hard drive that was the wrong size, a kitchen knife, and some tape. and youtube, naturally. meaning i'm at full power again & back on my bullshit

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

                                                                     

 

"*Sigh* 

We need to talk. Um. I have gotten a lot of hate recently for what happened at VidCon. Uh, i really don’t know how to say this, so I'll just go ahead and say it: I'm sorry... I’m sorry about how some people felt about my actions. I'm sorry I disappointed you. Um. I'm sorry the world is not yet ready for my Giant Modified Venus Flytrap. 

I was in a dark place, and I made a severe lapse in judgement. But – I wasn’t the only one who – I mean, Malf[BLEEP] could have also tried to – what I mean is, we all made mistakes.

And that’s normal. People make mistakes. Carnivorous plants make mistakes. We all need to forgive each other and, um, move on. 

The point is, I will be better.  

To cement this promise I have made a sizeable donation to the topmost charity for survivors of plant accidents. 

[...] 

(Hey guys, I’m recording this while editing... I only realised after donating that the um, plants, in this case refer to chemical plants, nuclear plants and the like. Obviously I can’t take the money back... I hope this doesn’t, um, ruin the gesture or anything...)"

 

                                                                      

 

Honey Badger: he's sorry his plant almost ate “someone” lol... he didn’t even censor his face. Like that’s literally draco malfoy right there in the thumbnail

 

                                                                      

 

HannAbb: The man created an experimental carnivorous plant that nearly ate someone and all i want is to give him and his little frog a hug

 

                                                                      

 

Avery the Second: where's Harry's apology for the broom attack anyway

 

                                                                        

 

 

 

                                                                      

Notes:

come visit my art tumblr and/or my fandom tumblr!

Chapter 7: meanwhile, on twitter | messages (2)

Notes:

you might want to be sitting down while reading this chapter or perhaps crouch under a table or take shelter in a panic room because I KNOW you’ll be screaming once you realize how I've upgraded my formatting game. Like. Hacker alert?? I'm an It Girl gender neutral?? An Information Technology Girl gender neutral?? My dainty sausage fingers can code question mark??? (not really, no, but it's still an improvement over ms paint & photoshop lol)

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Tweet

Art, or whatever
@redmoustache

Harrymort art!! 🧹💀

terrible terrible harrymort art

8:23 AM · 11 May 23

8 Retweets 2 Quote Tweet 37 Likes

The very portrait of civility @nigellus ago

Replying to @redmoustache

thanks i hate it

Sigma Male @mclaggen_man · 3h ago

Replying to @redmoustache

what the fuck is a harrymort

Ex-Wife

why are you always sending me weird stuff ginny

what the hell am i looking at

don't you recognize the likeness of those two harry

well given the stupid robe and the hair I'd say that looks like voldemort?

and the guy hes hugging is

.......wait

yep

but. i don't look like that

you did in the makeover vid

that BARELY qualifies as me

lockhart put three inches of makeup on my face. he contoured my face! the man actually CONTOURED MY FACE!

and i saw him change the camera filter halfway through. i'm telling you, i got yassified!

you sure did

It was funny as hell

But hey, it’s not like you could have refused. He did threaten you with that camera footage of you and ron throwing him into a sewer

we were going into that sewer to save YOU – the least you could do is be sympathetic

sure harry. next time he threatens to comb your hair I'll crush his head between my biceps like a watermelon

stop talking dirty to me or I’ll be too ashamed to look luna in the eye!

all I'm saying is it could’ve been worse. and now it’s over

you got the footage and you won’t have to worry about lockhart anymore. worth it, right?

yeah, well. I don’t know if it was worth THIS

I mean, fuck

why are we even hugging. and why are people drawing us hugging. what is going on

oh honey if you're reacting like this to the fanart i feel bad that im about to tell you about the fanfics

THE WHAT

Everything is totally FINE and NOTHING is a Disaster 🤓♟️🧠

it's so creepy right
Ron
you're right harry
i mean
what's going on with voldemort's arm it looks like it's got three elbows
not what i meant ron
Ron
no, of course not, you're absolutely right the other hand IS worse
there's only four fingers!
Hermione
I think it's flattering
Ron
is it really though...
i mean. again.
look at the arm
Hermione
It's ART Ronald, you are not supposed to question these things
no, but. look how short i am! i am not that much shorter than him! and why am i three shades lighter?!
Ron
i do like the composition, though. it's quite romantic
and what's with that adoring look anyway
for that matter i'll eat hedwig if voldemort has ever made that peaceful innocent face in his LIFE
Ron
you know, i think it's growing on me
it's giving me kind of a nice vibe™ the longer i look at it
i've only met him ONCE and it ended in violence do people really think we're involved
Hermione
I hate to say this, but he HAS left a comment on each of your videos, you have to admit that can give people ideas.
Especially given his... specific brand of comments, let's say
his what
Hermione
He's been flirting pretty shamelessly, Harry
he's been what
Ron
i wonder if they're selling prints

parvatiddies alicia-spinster theharrymortconspiracy UMMM??????? HELLO??????? #justharry#lordvoldemort #harrymort #MR VOLDEMORT????? 785 notes

Notes:

the updates are slow but. they happen. lol

btw if you like ginny & humor, here's a narcissa/ginny for you: Looking For A Complication (aka what if it's the post war and ginny likes milfs...)

and if you like a wacky premise: The Panglossian Agenda (aka dark lord harry and his crazy little ideas)

Notes:

come stalk me me on tumblr here
(or @ orangemoustache
for the art blog)

and consider reading my other hp fanfic (tomarry, time travel) (i promise it's not abandoned): Stab Right Through

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