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2021-11-15
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In Which SBI Learns Something About Raccoons

Summary:

"Wil," Phil said slowly, sheathing his own sword. "What's going on?"

"Tommy's a little, uh... I guess the best word for it is high?" Wilbur gave them a sheepish sort of grin.

Techno raised an eyebrow at him. "How and why."

"Okay so you know Dream's cat? She doesn't really like me, so I got some catnip to give her, except Tommy got into it first, and uh... apparently catnip affects raccoons."

 

Or: SBI have to deal with Tommy on catnip. He gets the zoomies. Fluff ensues.

Notes:

(See the end of the work for notes.)

Work Text:

It was a quiet day. A rest day, for once, where Techno had the rare opportunity to sit down with a good book and a cup of tea, Phil's head in his lap. He read the story out loud, carding his hand through Phil's hair. It was calm and quiet and felt like a moment suspended in time.

The keyword there being was.

Suddenly, the door slammed open with a loud bang.

Phil and Techno were both off the couch in seconds, swords drawn, but there was no enemy. Instead, Tommy came barreling through the door, screaming. Wilbur was right behind him, also screaming, except he was shouting words.

"GET BACK HERE TOMMY - Techno, Dad, grab him!" Wilbur pleaded.

Tommy darted to the other side of the room, chattering. His tail was puffed up and twitching, and his pupils were dilated.

Techno sheathed his sword - apparently, he didn't need it - then slowly inched toward Tommy. "Hey, Tommy -"

Tommy bolted.

Unfortunately for him, Techno was stronger, faster, and more experienced, and he tackled the gremlin to the floor, pinning him down easily.

Wilbur let out a sigh of relief. "Thanks so much, Techno."

Tommy screeched, thrashing as much as he could in Techno's hold. Techno avoided the claws and teeth only through years of experience.

"Wil," Phil said slowly, sheathing his own sword and blinking away his lingering drowsiness. "What's going on?"

"Tommy's a little, uh... I guess the best word for it is high?" Wilbur gave them a sheepish sort of grin.

Techno raised an eyebrow at him, then examined the wriggling raccoon hybrid a little closer. Dilated pupils, making sounds rather than speaking, fluffed up fur... huh. "How and why."

"Okay so you know Dream's cat?"

Phil blinked at him. "... Patches?"

Wilbur nodded happily. "Yeah, Patches! She doesn't really like me, so I got some catnip to give her, except Tommy got into it first, and uh... apparently catnip affects raccoons. He's had the zoomies for like fifteen minutes now."

Tommy apparently decided he was tired of wriggling and went limp, cooing.

Without thinking, Techno chuffed at him. Good job, just calm down.

Tommy made a little chittering coo sound, his ears pricking up and his tail tip twitching.

Calm, Techno chuffed again, daring to ease up on Tommy just a little. "Wilbur, you have one of Tommy's puzzles?"

"Uh. No, but I can go grab one."

"Do that. Grab as many things that click or look shiny as you can," Techno instructed. They needed Tommy occupied. "While you do that, I'm gonna help him burn off energy."

Wilbur nodded, obviously relieved, and ran off.

Phil hummed, walking over to take a look at Tommy. "How do you know what to do?"

"Honestly? I'm treatin' him like he's hopped up on sugar and playin' it by ear," Techno admitted, slowly letting Tommy go.

The kid looked up at him, eyes wide and pupils huge, chirping. He didn't look cute. He didn't. Techno absolutely did not want to roughhouse with him and then bundle him into a nest like a rowdy shoat. Nope.

Phil's grin told him that he knew exactly what Techno was thinking. "Have fun, mate. Be back in an hour or so for food, yeah?"

"Alright. Remember he's gonna want to wash whatever you give him." Techno reached over and ruffled Tommy's hair, earning a little chitter, then guided him over to the front door with a hand on his back.

Phil opened the door for them. As soon as Tommy saw the outdoors, his eyes somehow got even wider and he bolted.

Techno was prepared for it, though, and took off after him. Not to catch him, that would just make him upset, but just to run and to keep him company. He was able to keep up with one hyperactive raccoon child for a little while.

Tommy chattered an exhilarated laugh, darting into the trees, glancing back every so often to make sure Techno was still there. It wasn't sweet and didn't make his heart melt at all. Definitely not. He followed the kid into the woods, and they soon came to a large, grassy hill.

In colder months, they used this hill for sledding, and it was excellent for learning to fight on difficult terrain. Now, Tommy used it for its other main purpose: he tucked in his arms and tail and rolled, screeching in delight.

Techno slowed to a walk, huffing in amusement as Tommy stopped rolling, hopped back up, and darted back to the top of the hill to roll again. Tommy's record for rolling was six times without throwing up from being too dizzy, and Techno was interested in seeing how the catnip would affect that number.

Unfortunately, it appeared he would have to wait to find out, because as Tommy hurried back to the top of the hill (staggering a little, now), he took Techno's hand and tugged him toward the hill, chittering.

"You want me to roll?" Techno asked with a raised eyebrow.

Tommy cooed and tugged at him again.

Well. Tommy seemed pretty determined, and rolling hadn't been so bad, the last time he'd been strong armed into it... Techno sighed and followed Tommy to the curve of the hill. "Okay, but just once, alright?"

Tommy's bright grin was only a little bit endearing.

Techno took a deep breath, stepping far enough away from Tommy that he wouldn't get kicked in the face, then started rolling before he could think too much about it. Tommy's excited shriek told him he'd started rolling too.

It was actually sort of fun, once he really got going; the world blurred, and it was just him, the ground, and the sound of Tommy's laughter. He could do without the dizziness, though, he decided as he came to a stop. He was just... gonna lay here for a second.

Tommy rolled down next to him a moment later, giggling. There was grass in his hair.

Techno huffed gently at him, carding a hand through Tommy's hair to get the strands out. "Dizzy enough yet?"

Tommy responded with a little chirp and leaned over to rest his chin on Techno's chest, staring at him with those wide eyes. He was beaming, sharp little raccoon teeth on full display.

"Is it that much fun watchin' me roll down a hill?" Techno asked, still absently running his fingers through the kid's hair. "Because I'm not doin' it again, once is plenty for right now."

Luckily, Tommy didn't seem to mind. He hopped up, only wobbling a little, then grabbed Techno's hand and pulled.

Techno let himself be pulled upright, knowing that Tommy wasn't strong enough to do it alone. "Alright, alright, I'm up."

As soon as he was standing, Tommy let go of his hand, darting off a little ways before glancing back at Techno, grinning, his tail flicking.

Ah. Running again. Techno fought back a grin of his own and ran after him.

He chased Tommy around for a while - the kid even climbed a tree at one point, chattering happily at Techno, who just focused on being ready to catch him if he fell - and eventually, Tommy's energy began to flag. He made a low, plaintive whining noise at Techno, wandering over to bump his head against Techno's arm.

Techno made a little calm shoat I'm here chuff before he could stop himself, then patted Tommy's head. "Gettin' tired, kid?"

Tommy whined again. A yes, Techno guessed.

"Alright, alright." Techno turned and crouched down. "C'mon, let's head home."

With a happy little chitter, Tommy climbed onto Techno's back. His tail flicked so much it brushed Techno's arms as they started off back toward the house, but he must have been more tired than he'd let on, because he was making whispery little churring noises into Techno's shoulder by the time they made it back. Techno would recognize that sound anywhere; Tommy was out cold.

Phil was waiting for them when they finally got back, and he cooed when he saw Tommy. "Aww, he tired himself all the way out, didn't he?"

"He did," Techno agreed, carrying the kid inside to the couch. "Don't think he's gonna let go of me on his own, though, help me out?"

With a small laugh, Phil helped unhook Tommy's arms from around Techno's neck, and together they set him on the couch. As Techno moved to walk away, Tommy made a soft little squeaking whine, his face scrunching up slightly.

Techno chuffed at him - calm, I'm here - and gently ran a hand through Tommy's hair.

Almost immediately, Tommy's expression smoothed out again, and his whine melted into a sleepy, mumbled churr.

"Awww, mate," Phil cooed again, his feathers fluffed up in what was definitely an instinctive reaction to a cute chick.

"My reputation, Phil," Techno groaned, still petting Tommy's hair. "In ruins. Shambles. Absolutely destroyed. What am I supposed to do with this?"

"I don't know," Phil lied to his face with a grin. "But you probably shouldn't wake him up, we should let the catnip get out of his system."

Techno sighed, long and resigned. "Bruh."

Ignoring Phil's unhelpful coos and comments, he very carefully shifted Tommy into the position he and Phil had been in earlier - Tommy's head in his lap, his hand in Tommy's hair. It left him with most of his limbs free, it satisfied the child, and in one last attempt to save his dignity, it wasn't snuggling.

Wilbur came back into the room, then, arms full of blankets and toys. He made the most offended expression Techno had ever seen on a person's face, then carefully dumped all of the stuff on the floor before hurrying over.

"Was this just an excuse to steal my baby brother away, Technoblade?" Wilbur asked quietly, a laugh hidden in his offended tone. "Is that it? You send me on a fool's errand, knowing full well that Tommy will fall asleep, and then you get him all to yourself -"

Techno just raised an eyebrow at him. "Do you want a spot on the couch or not?"

Wilbur stuck his tongue out at him, but he did come and sit on the couch, lifting Tommy's feet and putting them on his lap.

That was apparently a little too much for Phil, who went over to dig in Wilbur's pile and started draping blankets around them. Techno was used to this - they all were, really - so he and Wilbur both let Phil fuss over them, draping blankets around their shoulders and making sure they were comfortable. Then Phil leaned against Techno's free side, trilling and wrapping his wings as far around the couch as he could.

Techno smiled and put his arm around Phil's shoulders. He could certainly appreciate the desire for a nest, though a pile of sounder members worked just fine. "Hey, angel."

"Hey," Phil replied with a grin.

"Should we give Tommy catnip more often?" Wilbur mused, absently patting the kid's leg. "This is kind of nice, actually."

Techno snorted. "Yeah, and he's gonna wake up in an hour or so and still be high, and it'll be your turn to deal with him."

"He didn't have that much!" Wilbur protested. "And why do I have to deal with him?"

"I dealt with him earlier, and Phil has old bird bones," Techno replied matter-of-factly, running his fingers through Tommy's hair again. If he scratched at the base of Tommy's ears then no one else could prove it.

Phil made an offended little sound. "I don't have old bird bones."

"You have bird bones and you're old," Techno pointed out, fighting back a smile. "Therefore your bird bones are old too."

"Okay, rude -"

Techno let himself laugh, running a hand through Phil's hair as well. "Listen, man, I don't make the rules here."

"I'll show you old," Phil grumbled, but he just buried his face in Techno's shoulder, doing a very bad job of hiding his smile.

Wilbur reached one foot over to gently kick Techno's leg, and Techno swatted lightly at his shoulder in retaliation, and Tommy made a little chittering noise in his sleep that made all of them pause, then laugh a little.

This was good, Techno decided. A much louder day than he'd originally hoped for, but still good.

(Tommy woke up a few hours later, and he had indeed gotten all of the catnip out of his system. He was snippy and embarrassed for the next few days, but let them fuss over him anyway. And if Techno took Tommy back to the hill, just them, a little more often, well... That was their secret.)

Notes:

Yes, some raccoons are indeed affected by catnip in the same way cats are! Have fun with that information :)