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bringing a bouquet to battle

Summary:

Arataki Itto is a lot of things: Very strong, very fast, very handsome, cunning, charming, talented, good at fighting— hey, you're getting all this, right?

He is not, however, that good with dogs (or guys who have the features of dogs. or guys at all).

Excerpt from That’s Life Issue #107
(Note: For the anonymity of the asker and Ms. Hina, personal details may be removed or edited.)

Ms. Hina! How do I block my mind from someone?! When I talk to this person they seem to be finding my weaknesses! It makes my head feel very strange. This is bad! I can’t let my focus fail me, because then I will be bested in competition, and this is unthinkable. Reply soon. Your biggest fan.

Notes:

this fic came about entirely because i was skimming leaks being an upstanding citizen, had a dumb idea, and went "that would be funny, surely someone has said this already" but i didn't see anything like it (bc the itto/gorou tag is like. a lot of smut as of rn) and then a few hours & some backpain later this came into being.

debatable if it is still as funny as it was in my head, but it amuses me, and that's what matters i think. not beta read

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

 

Excerpt from That’s Life Issue #107
(Note: For the anonymity of the asker and Ms. Hina, personal details may be removed or edited.)

Ms. Hina! How do I block my mind from someone?! When I talk to this person, they seem to be finding my weaknesses! It makes my head feel very strange. This is bad! I can’t let my focus fail me, because then I will be bested in competition, and this is unthinkable. Reply soon. Your biggest fan.

This is a very troubling issue. I don’t think mind reading is an issue we’ve got to worry about much (you're in luck there!), but I definitely know firsthand how difficult those who seem to know too much about you can be! A trusted friend of mine advises that socializing is easiest when you know yourself and the other person well. In your situation, I recommend working to understand that person who seems hard to talk to. Once you do, you can move in and try your luck with much more ease!

Ms. Hina

Like all his previous letters to Ms. Hina that were answered in the magazine, Itto smooths out his cut out of this reply before pinning it up alongside the rest on his wall. 

Work to understand the person? Itto has never done much working nor understanding, much less working to understand, but when Ms. Hina writes it like this, he feels as though he must give it his best effort.

He thinks back on the things he knows about the Gorou, current enemy number one for crimes of making Itto’s chest feel unwarrior-like and his brain all messy. 

The resistance general is small but strong (not as strong as Itto himself, but not many people are), he’s always wearing armor (this is very commendable! Itto is also always dressed for battle), people call him “Top Dog”, and whenever he makes eye contact with him, Itto feels an incredible compulsion to spill his life story, or maybe pick him up and shake him, or just do whatever is necessary to make sure their eyes stay locked for more than a passing moment. Yeah. One of those three. 

The first two things are useless to him, since he’s pretty sure his goal is not related to beating Gorou in combat. He’s just focused on preventing him from being such a distraction or reading his mind of whatever resistance tricks he’s using to make Itto crumble. The fourth thing is not helpful because Itto doesn’t know what to do with it, so that leaves him with Thing Number 3: General Top Dog Gorou.

Itto knows about dogs. 

Granny had a dog when he was a kid, a black mutt named Pochi that she said she found in the streets of Narukami just like him. Itto immediately decided Pochi was his first of many brothers-in-arms. Pochi couldn’t throw punches, but he could jump on top of you, and when Itto was a younger Oni, a full-grown big dog was almost a worthy adversary size-wise. Sometimes Granny threw things for Pochi to fetch, and when Itto was restless enough he would race to catch the sticks or balls, too. 

He considers this to be perhaps his first ever training. Pochi would be an honorary Arataki Gang member if he weren’t enjoying his well-deserved dog retirement now.

Unfortunately, this knowledge is all about being comrades with the dogs, not beating them in psychological warfare or avoiding their eyes boring into your very soul, so he is beginning closer to square one than he’d hoped he would. 

But no matter! Because Ms. Hina had given her advice, so he would be able to get through this just fine, just like every other matter he wrote to her about. 

This meant he needed to research. But reading books upon books of information was about as boring as it got, and Itto wasn’t looking to get a headache (Hell, if he wanted torture, he’d just go ask the fox-eared lady to set up another competition for him and see how she tried to kill him this time. At least then he’d be able to prove his might in a contest of endurance and resistance to his deadly allergies)

Still, he is Arataki Itto—The Strongest, The Champion of Doing Difficult Tasks (Even If He Doesn’t Really Feel Like It Right Now!), The Famous One and Only Leader of the Arataki Gang! He has an idea for how to achieve his goals without a visit to Yae Publishing House. He just needs to catch a certain someone in town.

Itto has never been one for stealth (Granny says it’s a testament to his big personality) so he forgoes it and charges right up to The Fixer of Narukami, caging him in against the tree in the center of Inazuma City. The bark creaks under the intensity of him slamming into it.

Thoma lets out a holler that draws the eyes of just about everyone in the square, but Itto doesn’t have time to preen under the attention, because he is focusing on important work. The knitting Thoma was working on falls to the dirt, and instead of looking back at Itto, Thoma watches it crunch up in the dust and he sighs.

“Thoma!” he bellows instead of greeting, so that the Kamisato Housekeeper knows he means business. This gets Thoma’s attention, though he looks neither frightened nor awed, which are the two reactions which Itto tends to hope for. More like he’s calculating things in his head, maybe how to escape from Itto’s very powerful grasp. “Ma aaaa n. Help me out.”

“With, um, what, Itto?”

“Ugh,” Itto lets his arms drop, so Thoma steps away from being trapped and fixes his uniform ( not very fit for battle, Itto notes) “Okay, so, basically, I have been thinking: Who’s a dude who knows about animals and stuff, right? And then I was like Oh duh! The guy feeding them and making little granny sweaters for ‘em in the —”

“Huh?! Granny sweater?”

“Yeah, dude, like old lady knitting. But for cats. Okay so I’m like You’re a genius Itto, and then I go Well of course, Itto, I am The Smartest Oni Around and so now I’m here and youuuuu—” Itto draws this out so he can poke his finger at Thoma’s chest, but he has to wait for the housekeeper to pick his grandma tools back up “—uu’ve gotta help ‘cause this is a problem that needs fixing and you’re The Fixer.”

“Hold on, slow down there, Itto.” Itto groans because one of the things he hates is being told to slow down—if people can’t keep up with him that seems like a them problem not an Itto problem. But he says it again, nice and slow so Thoma’s brain can figure it out.

“I need to learn about dogs. You are like dog friend number one, ever, because I always see you just talkin’ to ‘em and—hey do you need friends? Like people friends? You can join the Gang if you want—wait no, not the time, and you got a gig, so I can’t go accepting you anyway. Alright so I need dog advice. Like how to win against them, and how to not look at them.”

Thoma’s head is spinning just a bit, because keeping up with Arataki Itto is a learned skill that he has not had nearly enough practice in. “You need help not looking at dogs?” He asks to clarify.

Itto nods intently. “Yeah. Yes. And how to get into their heads.”

“Well, y’know… just pet ‘em and give them some food. Treat a dog like a friend.”

“And you’re like 100%—completely, totally, without a doubt—sure this will let me know what’s happening in their minds at all times? ‘Cause I need a guarantee, I gotta keep up with these bad boys.”

One of those bad boys has started sniffing at Itto’s boots now that the initial commotion has died down. Thoma takes this as a learning opportunity.

“Sure. I guess? Um, let me show you.” He crouches down and holds his hand out to the dog, a white shiba. Itto watches with rapt interest as it places its head under Thoma’s hand unprompted and starts moving until he pets it.

“That’s it?! That’s hella easy.” He yells. The dog immediately startles and runs behind Thoma, still crouched low.

“Pfft, man! I didn’t even need to bother. It’s like when you run at a wild boar. You just hold your hands out and say Come and get me, baby! And then they come, and they get you and you gotta pick ‘em up or wrestle ‘em or whatever. Wow. Dogs are a cinch.”

“Itto, are you running at wild animals?” Thoma asks, flabbergasted, and completely missing Itto’s point. That makes Itto sigh again.

“Uh, yeah, duh, but that’s sooo not the point here, my man. I’m saying you gotta let ‘em come at ya and then you get them!” Itto claps his hands together to demonstrate, which seems to distress Thoma further instead of elucidating the matter. Poor Thoma. Guy must be slow... Itto is adding this interaction’s revelations to the running tally of reasons he thinks he is better than him.

(A brief summary of the list: better hair, muscles (Itto has lots. Thoma looks kinda skinny), taller, understands easy things like how to fight a pig in the wild, cooler, probably can eat more in one sitting — yet to be confirmed.)

“Please don’t go ‘get’ dogs.” Thoma stands back up, the shiba now hugged against his chest. “They’re animals like us, they deserve our respect. Besides, aren’t they too cute to do anything like that? They’re just getting by.”

Now this… This makes Itto pay attention.

“You DO get it!” He exclaims. “Respect sure, I respect any warrior, it’s just the nice thing to do, since I’m The Benevolent Cool Oni King and all, but what you’re saying makes you a loser! Losers stop and look at pretty things. I gotta put a stop to that, it’s a real pain in my—” Don’t say bad words, Itto, children are nearby , “A real fuckin’ pain. That’s all.” Nailed it.

“You don’t stop. Why would you want to stop?!” Thoma looks all distressed again, like he’s Granny and Itto’s just dragged in a muddy log to practice his punches with, like he did when he was 13. “Geez, the world’s a real nice place. Just stop and glance at it. It’ll be peaceful.”

Itto watches Thoma scratch at the ears of the dog in his arms. He looks happy, smiley the way Gorou staring at him makes Itto feel.

Ah.

So, he’s fallen victim. He’s on their side. I should have known.

“I get it. You totally lost! This sucks! I just wasted so much time on you, no offense dude! Ughhh this is such a bust.”

He storms away in a huff. Thoma and the dog watch him go, confused. Such is the nature of talking to Itto, Thoma supposes. He definitely didn’t seem to want his advice, and nothing’s worse than forcing your ideas onto someone, so Thoma returns to his sweater and wishes the Oni the best.

However, Itto is not doing his best. In fact, he is maybe doing his worst, because he is still without any good information and he has wasted his afternoon, which is prime card game time, so he’s missing out on tons of bets with kids around town. What a bust!

Stall owners give him concerned looks as he broods through town, but he can’t help it. He’s gotta start calling Thoma something other than The Fixer. Maybe like… The Guy Who Can’t Help You, or Dressed in Too Much Red. One of those has to catch on. He’ll let the kids around town know next time they fight beetles.

What would Ms. Hina do? Ms. Hina would probably be getting something good out of this, even if it seemed useless on the surface. 

Thoma said that dogs are cute (maybe. Debatable. Itto admits that this can apply to General Gorou, but it is not useful), and that should give them food. Okay. Itto’s great at food—he eats tons of it! The restaurants in town love him for that—unless he’s not paying, which is maybe half of the time, in which case they chase him out and yell at him and call the Kanjou Commission to collect him.

Thoma also held his hands out and made the dog surrender on its own, so maybe Itto can just get a sandwich and put his hand on Gorou’s head… But that won’t work because being near enough to Gorou to do that would make Itto all warm and bad at thinking!

Okay. Back to step one. It’s time to find someone new to ask who won’t let him down.

 

Letters for That’s Life Issue #109 

Thank you for answering my letters. I believe the real problem is actually what I am feeling. When I see this person, I think that I am losing control of my brain which is usually never a problem for me. Because of this I can’t understand them. How do I beat someone without having to fight them? Still very thankful!

“See what I mean?” Gorou’s face falls. “These letters are getting tougher. I bet Guuji Yae is writing some of these herself to stump me!” His ears fall flat against his head, so Aether offers a comforting pat on the shoulder in silent support. “I don’t know what to even write back to this one… But I can’t just leave them hanging! What do you think?”

Paimon floats alongside the two of them, hand on her chin. “Paimon thinks it sounds awfully mushy. ” She sticks her tongue out with distaste. “Didn’t Gorou say he wasn’t good with letters like this?”

Gorou rereads the paper, head cocked to the side. “Well, I think it’s clearly about trying to work with people. I’ve gotten a letter from them before, I think. I gave them the same advice I give myself about Yae Miko! I certainly don’t feel, um, mushy about her.” If not for the warm sun, Aether could swear that Gorou shivered at the thought. “That’s why I’m calling upon the words of Her Excellency—last time the Guuji… teased me about my ears when I came on diplomacy, She told me to work on understanding her motives!”

“And how’s that working out?” Paimon butts in, shoving her face near the general’s. Aether glares at her for her brashness and pulls her backwards by her cape, sending her tumbling through the air.

“Just fine!” Gorou says, like a liar. He has not seen Yae in months due to careful evasive maneuvering. 

“Ignore Paimon. Her people skills are no better than yours.”

“Huh? Hey! My people skills are just fine.” Gorou pouts. Paimon pouts too, turning away in protest. “And, besides, it’s not my fault Yae is so… so difficult to me! I can’t get into her head anyways.”

Aether rolls his eyes good naturedly. “Yae aside, I think this letter is definitely just someone struggling with their people skills, too.”

“Her Excellency always says to never force a fight where there isn’t one, and that it’s better not to engage in a battle unless provoked. Maybe I should just tell them that, I just need to find the directive so I can remember what she wrote exactly!”

He reaches for his belt, where the pamphlet of directives is always strapped, only to come up empty handed (empty pawed? Aether wonders). The missing feeling of the trusty booklet causes his tail to stop wagging and his eyes to widen. 

“Aw man, I must have left it at the Kamisato Estate!”

“That’s okay.” Aether says placatingly, but now Gorou has begun reciting another directive and can’t hear him.

“I was too hasty to answer letters with you now that I’m visiting Narukami again and I completely forgot… Now we’ll have to go back. I’ve ruined our plans.”

Before Gorou can psych himself out any further, Aether grabs his arm and tugs him to his feet. “It’s okay.” He repeats, hopefully now with Gorou’s attention. “You can just speak from the heart without Kokomi’s directives for this one. That’s why Yae Publishing House asked for you, right?”

“Oh! Um, yes. Thank you! I apologize for losing my composure. That was not a good example to set, especially to a fellow commander—”

“We’re just hanging out as friends for today.” Aether reminds. He’d gotten Gorou to agree to a day without battle strategizing, but it seemed that preparing for battle (even if the battle was minor, like a conversation with the priestess or answering a letter) was something inextricably linked with being around Gorou.

“—a fellow commander and more importantly a friend.” Gorou corrects himself, ears perked at the thought. “Right! Well, I suppose I remember the directive well enough to advise here. How about this: ‘ I recommend that you do not seek fights where there are none. It is a lot safer to make allies than enemies. If this person proves too difficult and reconnaissance on their person can not help, ask them to leave you be. Avoidance will only lead to more problems later. Be direct and take the chance to tell them what you think.’ ?”

Aether gives a nod of affirmation. “It sounds great as always, Gorou. But are you sure you should be advising against avoidance?” 

Paimon snickers, so in embarrassment Gorou averts his eyes and groans at the teasing. Not Aether, too! Companions shouldn’t tease their companions like this… Especially not when they both hold commanding office!

Besides, he can still give good advice if he believes in it. It’s just that following it himself is another matter that requires further practice, which he would continue working on. Very slowly. “The questions are all answered. Let’s, um, change the topic and go drop them off. Then we can get to climbing Mt. Yougou.”

“Hey, Itto, you seen the latest Big Fan letter in That’s Life?” Shinobu holds her new copy of That’s Life Issue #109 up to the Oni’s face, just under his nose. Ushi is snoozing on the floor nearby. In an effort to not look too interested, Itto props his feet on the akaushi bull’s back and looks away.

He leans back against the cave wall where the Arataki Gang has made their latest base. “Maybe.”

“Liar. That was a rhetorical question, of course you’ve seen it. You weren’t kicked out of Ms. Hina’s fanclub for maybe keeping up with her.” She rolls her eyes, and Itto frowns. If they hadn’t wanted to promote Ms. Hina, they shouldn’t have gone and made a club (which, he will remind them, is like a Gang, but for Ms. Hina). 

Not his fault he was pushing magazine issues into people’s hands, or that those people couldn’t pay for them when he later asked (‘Cause, duh, why would he be paying for magazines he wasn’t going to be keeping? He hadn’t been stealing, just deferring purchase to new-and-coming Ms. Hina fans, duh.) The whole Hina Fan Club was backwards. He’d written to Ms. Hina about it, but that letter hadn’t shown up in the magazine. At least not yet.

Shinobu gets his attention again by pushing his boots off of Ushi, “Stop doing that.” She wipes the dirt from the Geo plates on his back with her sleeve, “Anyways, the Gang members and I are placing some bets about it. I figured you’d want in. Or, actually, I figured you’d complain if we didn’t ask you to drop some cash into the pool.”

“Uh… Hold up, why are you betting about Ms. Hina?”

“No, we’re betting about the person writing in. The one who’s signing off as her Fan every week.”

“The very intelligent noble sounding respectable fan of Ms. Hina, yup, totally. What’d they do?”

“Well, Mizuki’s betting like 30 Mora that in their next letter they’re totally gonna be like, ‘Oh, Ms. Hina, I figured it out, I’m suuuper in love and I don’t know what to do! I know you’re no good at romance, bu —”

“Huh?!” 

She glares at him for interrupting. “— uuuut I don’t have anyone else to turn to. ” She finishes, though her comically high-pitched impression has dropped a few octaves. “A bunch of the other gang members are agreeing.”

“Wh— Huh?! Nah. Noooo. That? That’s… You guys are sooo wrong I bet.” He fumbles around for reasons to prove them wrong, but all the things coming to mind involve revealing that he, their Very Cool and Supreme Leader, is Ms. Hina’s big fan and if they’re making fun of his letter he can not let that top secret information slip. “Nobody talks like that, um, first of all, so already lame, but whoever they are they sound, uh, y’know, very not in... whatever you guys are talking about. I bet. Not that I know. ‘Cause it’s anonymous and stuff.”

“Okay.” Shinobu watches him with narrowed eyes, the same way she stares at him when she’s waiting for him to cough up the latest reason she’d had to bail him out of jail. 

Crap. Diversion tactics, Itto. “Oh look! Ushi’s awake! Hi Ushi!” 

Shinobu is successfully distracted, but Ushi is unfortunately very much not awake. Desperate times call for desperate measures, so Itto places a heavy hand on Ushi’s back and subtly jostles him until he wakes with a snort. Perfect. 

“Itto, I saw you do that just now.”

“Do what, hm?” He lifts his hands off of the bull to show his innocence in whatever he is being wrongfully accused of. “No clue what you mean.”

“Itto.”

“Shinobu. My deputy. Second in command. My bro.”

She gives him a long, hard stare. This is the true battle of wills, but it’s not making him any warmer or fuzzier. “Itto.”

“That’s my name.” He wonders if in this situation he should try putting his hand out and seeing what she does, but he thinks she might bite it just to win this non-argument. Or plainly slap it away. Either one would suck. 

They keep staring at each other, but eventually the Deputy hangs her head low and sighs. “Fine. Never mind.” She says that, but Itto knows a Kuki Shinobu ‘Never mind’ really meant ‘I will be using this information later, and I will know more than you’ which is scary. “So, then, does that mean you want to bet your Mora with Shimazaki? That’s the other side. The not in love one.”

“Um, I’m above betting on these kinds of things, actually.” Itto sniffs. Last week he’d placed a bet with Yamaji about who could hold the most dango in their mouths between them. His big mouth got him 10 more Mora and an awful stomachache. “So, yeah, please, leave me to my work. I have some important Gang Leading business to think about.”

He shuts his eyes, folds his arms behind his head, and looks away until she gets the message. Shinobu rolls her eyes (out of his sight, so he won’t go getting on her case about it) and leaves him to whatever he’s got to worry about.

As soon as the coast is clear, Itto pops an eye back open to survey his surroundings. Good, empty, quiet cave.

“Psssh. Psssh. Whaddya mean ‘I’m in love’ . Those letters did not sound like that at all. If anything, it’s like ‘I gotta improve my mental fortress. Help me out, homie Hina.’ I gotta give these Arataki Gang kids a real talkin’ to about lying about upstanding fine citizens in the papers. You believe me, right Ushi?”

Ushi snorts a little. He’s been ambling around, probably looking for food, only to be met with rocks.

“Yeah, totally little dude. That’s what I was thinking too. If you found some bull that made you feel like a fresh bowl of soup all in your chest-zone, you’d try to stop it, right?” 

Ushi weighs his options and decides that rocks might be food if you try hard enough. He gets a sizable rock into his mouth and starts gnawing on it. 

Itto watches, nodding along slowly as he starts to put the pieces together. Ushi is making a great point. 

When you have no other options, you have to go with the path that is right in front of you. The Gang is completely out of food, but they’re totally rich in stones. 

Ushi finally cracks the rock in half and chews on it. Being a Geo creature, he seems to be enjoying it just as much as he’d like any old melon. Itto takes a note of this for the next time he needs to get the Gang food.

But back to his problem. Dealing with people is a lot like chewing rocks—it’s hard to get your teeth around or figure out where to bite.  Right now, Itto’s hunger is needing to figure out what the deal with Gorou is. That means that chewing the rock would be like—

Itto freezes.

Eating the rock is taking the obvious path, like the one that is standing fresh in his mind. 

“Ushi! You genius!” He sweeps the little bull up and holds him aloft. Crumbs of stone fall onto his cheeks, but he’s too busy being shocked at his realization to care. “You mad man! How’d you figure out how to tell me!” 

Ushi snorts, which Itto is sure means You’re welcome, Sumo King Itto! Now try some of these rocks. Itto would kiss him on the snout if not for the dirt all over it. 

Also, he’s a faithful Oni! He can’t go kissing bulls because he’s just figured out that he wants to go kiss dogs!

Wait, no. One dog. One warrior dog. More of a dog-ish person, really. Not an animal.

The Top Dog General who makes him feel understood and cozy and energized all at once every time they cross paths. It all makes sense now! Why didn’t anyone tell him sooner!

He’s gotta let Ms. Hina know about this and thank her for all the help! He wouldn’t have gotten here without her advice, probably. 

Hold on… Telling Ms. Hina… Writing her a letter about it…

“Wait. Waiiittt. This means Shinobu was right .” And that Itto was wrong, which is the worst thing to be! “And If I write that stupid letter they’re gonna win their dumb bet about me! This sucks!!”

Ushi wriggles out of Itto’s grasp with a low Mooo and saunters back to his rocks to finish his meal. He’s reuniting himself with his Gorou.

Like… seeking out what you want. Going after the things you desire while you have the chance. 

That’s the kind of thing Ms. Hina always advocated for, too.

“Ushi! You’re a genius again!”

(“It’s him.”

“Huh? What’dya mean Shinobu? He didn’t wanna bet?”

“No. The Fan. From That’s Life. It’s Itto.”

“Really? How’d ya know?”

“I can tell.”

“Geez. You sure are scary when you want to be, Deputy.”

“Oh, and Mizuki totally wins the bet.”

“What?! Aw, man….”)

“Hey man, keep this on the downlow, but how do you confess your love to someone?”

Ayato nearly drops his deck (thank Archons he doesn’t though, he’s got some rare ones in there) in shock. “Itto?! Has something happened in the past week that you forgot to mention?”

“Huh?” Itto is already peering over at Ayato’s hand, comparing their cards like he’d never asked his question in the first place. “Oh, that? Yeah. Forgot to mention. I was hanging out with Ushi, and we were going over some stuff about rocks and, basically, long story short, I bit mine and figured some stuff out, but I can’t tell Shinobu about it or she’ll make fun of me. So, help a bro out, right?”

“Now why were you eating stones exactly?”

“Ugh, it’s obviously a metaphor. You’re just as bad as your housekeeper.” He shuffles his hand and rolls his eyes. “Anyway, let me know what advice you got while I beat your ass in this here game, ‘kay?”

“Uh, I don’t think so.” Ayato pulls the first card out of his deck and puts it into play. “Why’d you go talk to Thoma anyways? He didn’t mention it to me.”

“Probably ‘cause he got all embarrassed he didn’t get what I was talking about, and I think the only people he talks to are stray dogs.”

Ayato piles some attack energy onto the cards he’s got in play, “That’s just not true.” Itto waves his hand dismissively like he’s swatting away flies. 

“Whatever. So, anyway, I went up to him all like… ‘Dude, do me a solid and help me out with some dog stuff’ and he was all ‘Oh, sure, just give ‘em food’ And man what a load of crap is that, right? Duh give them food. Food’s how I figured this all out, but not with that guy’s help that’s for sure.”

“What do dogs have to do with any of this?” Itto attacks his card, so Ayato retaliates by buffing it. He taps his fingers against the table they’ve set the game mat on. 

“You ask waaaayyy too many questions, man. I asked about dogs ‘cause I’m talking about Gorou, duhh . Wait. Don’t go telling people that. I’m holding you to secrecy.” Itto disregards his next move to hold his fist over the board.

Ayato nods solemnly and clasps his hand in Itto’s, giving it a good strong shake, the way only proper warriors can swear on matters. 

Itto sticks out his pinkie for extra security, so Ayato does that too with the same level of solemnity.

“‘Kay. Whew. Knew I could trust you. I didn’t mean to go lettin’ that one slip.” Back to the card game. “I was talking this over with Ushi—you remember Ushi? The Geo bull buddy that’s with me all the time? —and Ushi was like Itto you liiiike him, but he told me through the rocks, that’s what I was talking about earlier. And I totally didn’t believe it but then I started thinking and when I thought about it, it made sooo much sense. That little guy’s smart.”

“So, you need help on confessing your love to the general of the resistance?”

“Basically. Maybe love’s kinda strong. He just makes my insides all like—” Itto pauses from the coin flip he was about to perform for their game to make a series of krscchhk, kkrrrkk, creeaaking sounds. “—so maybe that’s love. I don’t know.”

Ayato blinks, surprised. “How long has that been going on?”

Itto slams his coin onto the back of his hand and frowns when it comes up heads. “Uh, I dunno, like a few months. How long has it been since the whole Visiony thing ended? ‘Cause that’s when the resistance would start coming around a bunch to visit ‘n’ stuff.” 

He shuts his eyes to really think back and recall his first proper meeting with Gorou. “Liiiike, I remember Shinobu busting me outta jail, and she was yelling at me about stealing stuff again and I was sooo over it. But then when we stopped at Kiminami to get some grub, I saw this guy with a tail eating soup. So, he looked at me, and I looked at him, and it was kinda like…” Itto struggles to put it into words, so he resorts to sounds again. He makes a little explosion with his fingers, like one of Yoimiya’s sparklers, and lets out a little psshoww. “Something like that. You know what I mean? And then I’d just go look for him whenever I saw those resistance people around after that. Just to figure out what it meant.”

If Ayato were mildly surprised before, he’s completely dumbfounded now. “I… I can’t say that I do, Itto.”

“Oh. Bummer.” Itto narrows his eyes back at their game and puzzles over his next move. 

Meanwhile, Ayato puzzles over just what he can tell his friend. In the years he’s known Itto, the Oni’s never really said anything quite like this. He’s none too well versed on love, but from what he understands, Itto sounds like he’s got it awful bad and doesn’t even notice.

“Well, Itto, my only real experience on these matters is with political marriages. I don’t think that’d be much help to you.”

“Well, hey, hold on now. Can I politically ask Gorou to go out with me?”

“I don’t think it… works like that.”

“You sure?”

“Pretty s—”

Actually… 

Hold on a moment.

Because, politically, Gorou is Ayaka’s guest at the Kamisato estate at the moment…

And, politically, there’s nothing wrong with inviting a dear friend over to your estate while a guest is there.

Brother, you can’t set up my political guests with your bug fighting companions. What Ayaka doesn’t know can’t hurt her. 

“Uh, Ayato? Partner? You in there? It’s your move.” Itto is about an inch away from rapping his fist against Ayato’s skull, but he is back to attention before he can get knocked in the head.

“My bad!” Ayato quickly attacks Itto’s active card, draining its health. He’s forming something of a plan in his head, and he likes the way it’s turning out. “I take back what I just said. I might have an idea.”

“Really? Aw, that’s sic—” Itto stops to stare at the cards on his bench and realizes he has none that are playable. “Wait! Aw, man, this sucks! You just won!”

Ayato swipes his prize—a rare holographic card from a recent release—from Itto’s resistant hand and stands with a smug grin. “Yes. Now, come on. I’m going to be solving your problem for you, ‘cause that’s what the warrior bond is for.”

“Gorou, I think you ‘oughta be going out with me. Right now. I’m feeling like sushi at 15 hundred hours.” Itto jams his thumbs towards his chest and holds the pose for several minutes to let it sink in. “How’s that?”

“A bit forceful.” Thoma says with a light laugh, leaning against a wooden fencepost at the Kamisato Estate. Itto scoffs and adds Thoma is weak-willed to his mental list of Thoma Flaws.

“I agree.” Ayato hums, a hand on his chin. Regretfully, Itto debates creating a list for Ayato and adding Ayato is also weak willed, but this feels like a betrayal, so he removes the item from Thoma’s list to prevent hypocrisy. “Maybe just focus on the feelings part, and the excursion can come later.”

“But that’s the whole fun part!” Itto groans. This whole romance thing is a real pain! He much prefers just feeling happy seeing Gorou to all this formality nonsense.

“It’s plenty fun to let someone know you care about th—”

“Blah, blah, blaaaahhhh .” Thoma’s mouth hangs open in shock when Itto doesn’t even bother letting him finish. “Of course you’d say that, Grandma.”

“Hey. Stop that.” Ayato scolds with a glare. If anyone’s going to be poking fun at his housekeeper, it will be a Kamisato. “But, sure, going out to places is great, but you need to agree to doing that by expressing how you feel first. There’s a method to these things.”

“My methods usually just runnin’ at stuff, and it never fails me.”

“Aren’t you in jail? Like a lot?” Thoma frowns, crossing his arms over his chest judgmentally.

Itto slumps against a wooden support column and shakes his head. “Jail’s just another room.”

“An uncomfortable one, yes. I’ve been.”

Oh. Really? Okay, Itto adds this to a list of Thoma Good Things in his mind. He has gained some respect for the housekeeper.

“ Jail aside ,” Ayato cuts in once again, “Let’s try this again. But more open this time. Just say what you told me while we were playing Battle Monsters.”

“Alright.” Itto draws himself up to his full height, ignoring the tap of his horns against the lowest ceiling beam, “Gorou you make me have explosions in my chest like pshhow, kkrrcckkk, kablam and then I feel on fire.” 

“It was a little more poetic when you told me last…” 

Thoma agrees soberly, “You’re making it sound like heartburn.”

“Ugh! Why don’t you just do all the confessing for me! This is, like, sooo lame. How am I supposed to remember whatever I was saying in the middle of a game? I was in game mode, obviously. That’s like a whole different guy.”

“Let’s just go simple.” Thoma puts his hands on his hips and nods once, the way you encourage a kid to try a new gross food by lying that it’s tasty, “You just need one thing, and it’s easy. I promise. Take a deep breath and just say, ‘Hey, Gorou! I like you!’”

“Thoma?!”

“You do?”

“Milady?!”

Sometimes the world moves in slow motion for Itto. Right now, he’s taking in every detail one at a time, like bursts of a Kamera.

Snapshot 1: Ayato’s younger sister is wide-eyed, frozen in place. The traveler, his little floating goblin, and the general are beside her. They’ve just entered the courtyard of the Estate.

Snapshot 2: Itto sees the ears on Gorou’s head stick up, straight. Like a fox when you disturb it. As soon as he thinks that the pshooww, boom, creak ing starts up and he’s warm all over. 

Snapshot 3: Thoma’s as red as his coat and talking in a pitch that keeps getting higher, and higher, and higher and Itto can hardly pay attention to it because he’s decided to zero back in on Gorou.

So comes snapshot 4, back at normal speed. Gorou is fumbling, hands clenching and unclenching, “Th-Thoma, you’re kidding, right?”

Wait, what? What did Thoma say to—

Like dice falling from their cup, the situation makes sense to Itto. I like you, Gorou . That’s what the housekeeper said. 

“No!” Itto moves in to correct quickly, because damn Thoma for taking his whole moment after all the stupid practice they made him go through! He pushes Thoma aside and plants himself directly in front of the Watatsumi Army’s general. “That was me. I was saying that.”

“Sorry?” Gorou is looking everywhere but at Itto, who’s unintentionally sectioned him off from the whole group, who are trying very hard not to stare.

They’re still staring.

“Thoma was saying it ‘cause I’ve gotta say it. Like a teaching moment.”

“Say what exactly, Itto?” calls Ayato, sounding mirthful despite everything. Maybe because of everything. The remainder of the gathered people seem shocked that he’s found his bearings already.

“I’m the one who’s super into you, ‘cause you give me bad heartburn, and I saw you eating soup after I got outta jail, and whenever you’re on Narukami and we talk I feel like an explosion!” Itto says, nearly shouting down at Gorou, with the same tone as a soldier repeating the words of their superior.

“That doesn’t sound, um, very good. Ahem. For your health.” 

“It might not be!” Itto agrees. “But I like it.” He backs out of Gorou’s space, much to the relief of the general, if his heavy exhale is anything to go by. “So, we should go get sushi. Or ramen. Or anything you want! Just not with beans, or I’ll die.”

Gorou reaches up and tugs at his ears, pulling them down against his head to hide his fluster. He hadn’t felt this out-of-sorts even when the Tenryou Commission had ambushed his platoon during the war. Even through his embarrassment, his wagging tail thumps against the patio. “I like sweets.” He lets out, sounding rather strangled. Quieter, he adds, “We can go somewhere with that. But, um, please explain again. From the top.”

“Oh, man. It’s a mess. Are you sure?”

“I think I need it.” To calm down and to understand. 

“Alright, so it started with this letter I wrote to Ms. Hina, and then I went and talked to Thoma, who’s super not into you by the way, just me, and also I’m stronger than him. Faster too. So, I—”

“Actually! Let’s just skip to this part, right now. I can listen to everything else later. When nobody is watching…” 

Catching Gorou’s frantic gaze, and still quite red from the misunderstanding, Thoma ushers everyone into the Estate and away from the two of them while they figure their whatever-this-is out.

“I was watching my bull eat rocks when I realized that I really like you.” Itto explains, much more concisely than before. He pounds his fist against his chest, “You’ve got a real fighting spirit!” This compliment pleases Gorou more than he’d like to admit. “And I get this feeling that you really get me. Also, like I said, ‘ splosions. Right here.” He pounds at his chest again.

Gorou tugs his arm down, so he stops hitting himself, and he gives Itto that soul-searching look, right in his eyes, curious and knowing all at once. “Really?”

“Yeah!” Itto beams. He doesn’t lie or do things by halves. Of course he means it. His brain is feeling incredibly foggy all of a sudden, he thinks that’s his adrenaline fading away. 

“I, um, I really admire your fighting spirit, too!” Gorou’s tail is back to wagging again. Thump, thump, thump against the wood, but he doesn’t notice. “My apologies! I’m not very good at this! But we should try some cake in town. If you’d like!”

“Very much!” Itto crows, whoops like he’s won something. Gorou’s caught up in the infectious energy enough to throw his hands up and let his ears spring back up to full height. “It’s a deal! A political date.” 

Itto holds his hand out to seal the deal.

Much more gingerly than he’d have ever expected, Gorou grabs it and clasps their hands together. Then he gives it a hearty shake, but Itto’s far too distracted by the feeling of their palms pressed against one another’s.

(Itto’s gonna need a minute to stop himself from fainting before they head out.)

 

Excerpt from That’s Life Issue #113
(Note: For the anonymity of the asker and Ms. Hina, personal details may be removed or edited.)

Hello Ms. Hina! It has been several weeks so if anyone is betting on this letter, they won’t remember it! Do you have any ideas on how to be the strongest and most brag-worthy boyfriend in the world? Asking for a friend. Your biggest fan!

bonus

 

“Hm?” Gorou looks up from his cake, fork hanging from his mouth, when a shadow passes over him.

It’s Itto’s hand. Fingers splayed as though he’s about to grab something. He’s yet to touch his dessert, and Gorou is resisting the urge to ask if he can take it, considering how much of a luxury sweets are for him usually. 

“Somfhin’ wron’?” He asks with furrowed brows, before realizing his own impropriety and swallowing, putting his plate and fork down slowly. “I mean, is something wrong?” He scans around them, ears perked to listen out. “Is there a threat nearby?”

“No. Just waitin’.” Itto keeps staring at him, very intensely. Gorou thinks he’s maybe understanding what Itto meant by being on fire, because he’s feeling pretty warm under the Oni’s narrowed eyes.

“For… what, exactly?”

Itto narrows his eyes further and moves to pick up his plate. He inches his fresh pastry towards Gorou.

He eyes it warily. “Are you giving that to me?” 

“Yes.”

And he snatches it out of Itto’s hands, eyes alight at the prospect of something sugary for free . Itto drops his upheld palm with a sigh. 

“You were s’posed to bump your head on it.”

“I was s’posed to huh ?” Gorou asks through another bite of dessert, making an effort not to scarf it down like rations during a break in patrol.

“Oh, whatever. ½ is still pretty good. I gotta tell Thoma about this. Guess I owe the skinny guy thanks after all!”

“...Itto?”

Notes:

hmu 2 talk abt itto on my tumblr @wormizh if u want because i have not stopped thinking about him for a single second since the trailer.

i went on such a mental tangent at the thought of him playing fetch with his childhood dog. i think as a kid he tried to imitate the way dogs scratch their ears with their hindlegs. he asks if gorou can do this. (gorou says no obviously not, which is very disappointing to itto)