Chapter Text
Taehyung has no idea how he got here.
Sure, in theory, he does.
He knows when Jungkook sent him that email asking for help on how to bottom, he agreed to do it despite their relationship, or rather lack of. He knows they made a deal to help each other out, Jungkook with his bottom lessons and Taehyung with his studies. He knows they both signed a contract and have done a few lessons and tutor sessions since, so he knows seeing Jungkook touch himself or cum or hear him moan shouldn't surprise him.
He knows all that.
He just doesn't know how this strictly 'i help you, you help me' situation turned to Jungkook wordlessly asking if he can jerk him off, his hand on his hardened cock and his eyes big and glazed over with want. Want for him. He doesn't know how this turned into more than it was supposed to be, Taehyung's heart racing and wanting Jungkook in a way he’s pretty sure he can't have. He doesn't know why he badly wants to push him down onto the bed and kiss him silly, his lips moving against his and hopefully translating everything he feels for the younger.
He doesn't know how he fell in love with Jeon Jungkook.
“Can I?”
Taehyung can’t even count how many times he's dreamed of this exact situation. How there were many different versions that he created in his mind of Jungkook touching him and kissing him in the way he's always wanted, even more since they started this whole agreement. But to actually have it happen, to have Jungkook have his hand on his hard cock, his big doe eyes begging him for it, it feels so surreal. Taehyung isn't even sure if he should totally believe this is real life yet.
But it is, the way his dick twitches under his touch confirms it.
He feels his body being pulled in two different directions of what he should do. On one side he's screaming at himself to stop this now, to not let Jungkook do this or there will be no turning back. He's kept his crush on his roommate for two years now, and he's spent a lot of days trying to hide how his heart leaps in his chest when they lock eyes, or when he hears his laugh echo in their room, or when they accidentally touch.
He's become a pro now of hiding how he truly feels when it comes to Jungkook, hiding behind quick comebacks and harsh words.
But if he does this, all that hard work will go right out the window. He's pretty sure it'll be harder to hide it if they do this, it's already hard with the kissing and watching the younger cum and moan with each lesson, but with all the attention and eyes on him, he knows he'll slip up. It'll only be inevitable.
But then there's the other side, the stupid side. The side that wants to say yes, wants to let Jungkook do whatever he wants with him, to touch him and kiss him, and secretly hopes it's not just sex for him. That he feels it too. That he feels the same way he did when he saw him for the first time, his new roommate that smelled like vanilla and had the prettiest eyes that had his heart pounding against his chest with one look.
He knows it's a long shot that Jungkook could feel the same with the way their relationship panned out to be, but Taehyung has always been a hopeless romantic.
The two sides fight against each other, the tension and the intensity between them making Taehyung's chest feel tight and pressed down with the weight of what to do. But he must have taken too long because suddenly feels Jungkook's hand slides off his clothed dick, his face bright red with what he can only guess is an embarrassment.
He panics, the rush of want clogging his brain until he can't think straight and just acts, quickly catching his hand before Jungkook could pull away too far.
They lock eyes, nervousness in Jungkook's and shock in Taehyung's at his own actions, but he's already made it this far. He might as well do what his body is craving. He can deal with the consequences later.
For now, he just wants Jungkook.
Taehyung slowly guides the younger's hand back onto his crotch, a moan escaping from the back of his throat as if it was sitting there waiting before Jungkook hesitantly palms him through his pants. He curses under his breath, his chest rising and falling rapidly, finally having some relief after holding back for so long making him forget all common sense.
He doesn't even know how he did it. How he was able to sit there and fuck Jungkook with a pink dildo, watch him squirm and moan and shiver under him. How he was able to watch how pretty Jungkook is so fucked out and do just that...watch.
Despite using the dildo on him, Taehyung had to keep stopping himself from doing more, from forgetting the dildo altogether and showing him he could fuck him way better. So now having Jungkook touch him, to have the tables turn with Taehyung completely under the control of his touch now, the swimmer can't help but let go. To just enjoy this and imagine he finally has Jungkook in a way he's always wanted.
Even if it's nowhere near the truth.
“Good?”
Taehyung nods, his moans picking up the volume as Jungkook goes a little harder, the nerves that were there a second ago flying away as determination and lust swirl around in those captivating eyes of his.
In fast movements, he unbuckles the elder's pants, pulls down his zipper, and dives his hand past the waistband. He goes past his boxers too without a second thought, wrapping his hand around his length and sending a wave of hot pleasure through him. His breath catches in his throat as feels Jungkook give the first few pumps. He should probably be more embarrassed that he's so close already, but he can't care enough to, it just feels too fucking good.
Jungkook is too fucking good.
Catching on, the blonde fastens his pace, his grip tight as he strokes him hard. Taehyung can feel his sense of time slip away with every stroke, making him feel free to just enjoy this and stop overthinking everything. Instead of trying not to give too much away, he just lets himself be free to feel.
So he takes the state of his mind, the free easiness at his core, and melts.
“Oh my god, that’s good,” He mewls, bucking his hips into Jungkook's hand. “Just like that.”
He feels himself pulse in the swimmer's hand, his breath hitching hard as Jungkook moves faster. Taehyung has to bite down on his lip as he grips onto Jungkook's arm just so he can have something to hold onto before he floats away. He just has so much he wants to say, so many words that are fighting to get past his lips, but he refuses to let them.
He refuses to say how beautiful he thinks Jungkook is, how happy and safe he makes him feel just by seeing him, and how he's so fucking in love with him. He wants to let his feelings out of the cage he's locked them in, but like always he stops himself, just too afraid of rejection.
But he'll pretend, he'll pretend Jungkook loves him back and he's returning his gaze with real emotion in his eyes, that it's not just lust. That they're more than roommates/teammates who hate each other and occasionally touch each other's dick.
As Taehyung continues to moan, Jungkook keeps a strong stroke on his cock, making the elder gasp and squirm, inching closer and closer to the edge.
“Jungkook, shit," He moans, locking eyes with his, getting more turned on by the way Jungkook is looking at him. "I’m gonna cum. Please...don’t stop.”
Jungkook doesn't, going even faster if that's possible, paying more attention to the tip that draws out a long moan of his name that practically rolled off his tongue as if it was the easiest thing. As if Jungkook is the easiest feeling to feel. God, he wants to kiss him. He wants to feel those pretty pink lips on his. They’re always so soft and warm when they kiss, sending a herd of butterflies to attack his stomach.
And just as he thought that Jungkook leans forward, their lips crashing together in frantic and rushed movements. It makes Taehyung moan into his mouth, whiny and needy and so fucking close. He can barely kiss back as he bucks his hips into Jungkook’s touch, not able to hold back now to have the mixture of Jungkook's hand on his cock and his lips moving against his.
"Shit, shit, shit-" He moans against his lips before two more tugs push Taehyung right over the edge, shooting his cum all over Jungkook's hand and his own stomach.
The younger disconnects their lips just as the pleasure washes over him again and again and just watches, his eyes ranking over his body in a way that only turns Taehyung on more and coming harder than he's ever done. Jungkook doesn’t even stop stroking him as he cums, brushing over the tip a few more times before Taehyung can't take the overstimulation and eventually pushes his hand away.
It takes a few long seconds for Taehyung to get back to himself, to come down from the high he's pretty sure he could ride on forever if he really wanted to. The room is silent other than their panting, both sweaty and in need of showers. For a second he thinks of asking Jungkook if he wants to get a shower together and to cuddle afterward until they both drift off to sleep, things he's wanted to do for ages now.
But he stops himself.
He can't ride off the high anymore now that he's done. He needs to come back to reality, to the reality where Jungkook isn't his and never will be, to stuff his feelings back into that lonely cage. He needs to stop himself from going too far before he says something stupid and scares Jungkook away for good.
Even though they fight and just annoy each other most of the time, Taehyung likes that much better than not having him in his life at all. Call him whatever you want, but that's just how it is for him and he rather not mess it up. So he clears his throat, swallows down the words he so desperately wants to say and reminds himself that he's the roommate Jungkook hates.
That this is nothing but sex.
He just wasn't expecting Jungkook to try and speak at the same time as him.
“Jungkook I-”
“Taehyung, I want you to be my first.”
He freezes, looking at the younger with wide, shocked eyes, his heart hitting against his chest so hard that it's almost painful. He searches his face, looking for the joke he knows this is, but he doesn't find it. He just sees nerves staring back at him.
Fuck.
“Uh...what?” Taehyung eventually chokes out once his voice comes back to him, rough and still a little out of breath from the mind-blowing orgasm that ripped through him. Jungkook’s cheeks color red before explaining.
He explains how he wants the first time bottoming to be with him, how it just makes sense since they've been doing all these lessons, words coming out stuttered and shy as he avoids eye contact. He rambles and goes on before eventually stopping, biting his lip to stop himself. Taehyung could barely hear his words over the buzzing in his ears though, his mind running wild, non-stop thoughts just clouding his head.
Jungkook wants him. He really wants him, but Taehyung can't even focus on that, he can't even be happy about it, because it's not in the way he wants. He knows he's only doing this because it's convenient, because they've been doing these lessons and so why not continue it all the way? It's just sex. Jungkook doesn't feel the same as him, he hates him and Taehyung would be dumb enough to believe otherwise.
He has to keep that distance between them, they can't go all the way, otherwise, there's no turning back toward Taehyung. He'll know what it'll feel like to have Jungkook but it won't mean a thing to the younger and it'll break him.
It would fucking break him.
So he can't. He won't.
Taehyung isn't sure why he does it, but an odd little noise that’s half a laugh and half a scoff bursts out of him before he could stop it, his heart thumping against the inside of his chest. Maybe it was a laugh of genuine amusement at the thought that Taehyung could really have Jungkook the way he wants, maybe it was out of nervousness for the whole situation, or maybe just a result of the range of turmoil that's running through him. He doesn't know, but he's just unable to stop the giggle bubbling up in his throat, even when the look of hurt flashes past Jungkook's face.
“Oh my god,” He says in between laughs, wiping his tears away. Tears that he's not sure are a result of how hard he's laughing or the pain of what he's about to do will bring. “That’s fucking hilarious. Me? fuck you? That’s a good one Jungkook.”
Jungkook looks like he's about to cry, curling inward, and Taehyung hates himself.
“Yeah, haha got you.”
“Yes you did, I thought you were serious for a second.”
I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry.
“Please, I would rather fuck a cactus,”
Jungkook slowly slips off Taehyung’s lap and he can almost feel the distance between them growing faster than ever. Taehyung can kiss whatever kinda friendship they were building goodbye now.
He's such a fuck up.
“I was just gonna say that I think you’re ready to let someone fuck you,” The swimmer starts to explain, trying to act like his own words aren't killing him to say. “And I know a few people who would love to help out. I was thinking it could be someone that has experience with first-timers since you’re gonna need that and that’ll be hard to find if you’re just picking someone up from the club. I’ll set it all up for you.”
Jungkook smiles, and he can tell it's fake.
I'm sorry.
“Okay, sounds good.”
“And thanks. For…you know.”
The younger just shrugs. “It was nothing.”
I'm so sorry that I love you.
"Cool."
"Cool."
_____
"You want me to what?"
"I know it's a lot to ask but-"
"A lot? You're asking me to sleep with the guy you're in love with."
Taehyung winces at the word, his stomach sinking into himself a little.
Love is just such a strong word, and the fact he’s associating it with Jungkook is insane to him. He didn't even think he would still be in college and know exactly what it feels like. His parents described it to him many times before when he was younger, telling him how he'll know when it's the real deal.
Who would have thought he’ll find it in his roommate/teammate? Not him.
But here he is, in love.
And ruining it for himself.
"Please Minjun, can you just do this for me?"
His friend sighs, leaning against his chair as he takes a sip of his coffee. Taehyung does the same but instantly regrets it once the bitter taste hits his tongue. He isn't even sure why he ordered this when he hates coffee, but he's been all over the place this morning, his head still stuck on Jungkook, Jungkook, and more fucking Jungkook.
"You really think this would work? You're not going to get over him like this. This is only going to hurt you."
Minjun is right. Taehyung knows that, but this is for the best. Maybe not for him, but the situation as a whole. He can't keep doing these lessons, these tutoring sessions, laser tag hang outs, and letting his feelings grow for someone who just doesn't see him in the same way. Jungkook just wants to know how to bottom and once their lessons are done, he'll use what he's learned for someone else, and Taehyung would have to just…let it happen.
But this way, he can get it out the way. This way it can be someone he knows, someone he trusts and would be good to Jungkook, treat him the way he deserves.
Because it can't be him, no matter how badly he wants it to.
"I'm calling sushi."
Minjun's mouth pressed into a hard line, crossing his arms. "Sushi? Seriously?" He deadpans.
"Yes. Sushi. I'm calling it."
"Sushi can only be used once."
"I know."
When Taehyung met Minjun, he was new to Seoul National University, just transferred from Daegu, carrying around fake confidence until it became real.
Minjun was his first real friend before the guys he's close with now. They both volunteered at the library for extra credit, becoming friends pretty quickly, and eventually, he joined Taehyung in putting together the Bottom Etiquette Gala. It was really nice to have someone he could be open with, someone he could talk to about Jungkook and his feelings for him.
Taehyung used to cover for him a lot while working at the library too, so they made a deal with each other that if the swimmer calls 'sushi' Minjun has to pay him back no questions asked.
He's been waiting to use it, and this couldn't be a better time to do so.
"Are you sure?"
Taehyung exhales, looking around the busy café they're currently spending their free period before their next class starts.
It's the same café he and Jungkook had their first meeting when Taehyung thought he could give his roommates tips on how to bottom and keep his feelings in check.
How native of him.
"Yeah...I'm sure."
Taehyung takes out his phone, quickly typing up a message to send to Jungkook before pocketing it again and taking another sip of his coffee, forcing it down.
This is for the best, he reminds himself, this is for the best.
Me:
I FOUND SOMEONE
I just talked to my friend that helps me out with B.E.G
and he said he'll do it!!!
I’ll set you guys up on a date tomorrow so you two can get to know each other
yk...before you fuck ;)
you're welcome btw
_____
Taehyung had a feeling this would hurt. He just didn't know it was going to hurt this much.
He didn't know it would feel like death itself like a sharp shard is stuck in his gut so deep there isn't any amount of strength that would get it out.
Maybe over time it'll get better he thinks, maybe with time, the edges will dull until the pain slowly leaves his side. But for now, as he watches Jungkook walk up the stairs with Minjun, he'll just have to endure it.
He just has to endure that Jungkook isn't his and never will be.
"Hey, you okay?"
Taehyung snaps out of his thoughts, forcing himself to tear his eyes away from Jungkook fleeting up the stairs with Minjun following close behind, facing Namjoon that has concern painted across his face. Taehyung nods, trying his best to make sure he isn't sure the pain aching in his body isn't visible on his face.
"I'm fine."
"Are you sure?"
Taehyung takes another peek behind him just in time to see the door close with Jungkook and Minjun behind it. His mind immediately thinks of what they'll be doing — how Minjun will get to touch him in the way Taehyung always wished he could, how he gets to kiss him and whisper sweet nothings into his ear. Taehyung knows this was his idea, but he's definitely regretting it.
He wants it to be him.
He looks back at Namjoon, flashing a smile that felt more like a grimace.
"Actually, I might have a bit of a headache. I'm just going to head out a little early."
Seokjin looks over where he's pretending not to eavesdrop, brows furrowed inward.
"You're leaving early?"
Hoseok and Jimin disconnect their lips where they were making out and look at the swimmer with the same confused and surprised looks. "Wait for real?"
"Yes for real, I'm not feeling great, okay? Enjoy the party."
And with that, ignoring the looks from his friends since they all know Taehyung is always the last person to leave a party, he walks out. He just doesn't feel like walking around this party and pretending to be interested in some guy he isn't, just to forget about the one he wants the most.
At least not tonight.
Taehyung meant to go back to his dorm room, using the time he'll have alone to sulk and cry himself to sleep, but his legs take him elsewhere. And when he lifts his head, he surprises himself to see he's at the campus pool, the reflection of the water dancing on the wall in a pretty rhythm. Not caring and just glad he's alone, he sits himself on the side of the pool with a heavy sigh.
He watches the water move slightly, memories attacking his mind without his permission.
He thinks of the day he transferred from Daegu to Seoul and met Jungkook for the first time, how his eyes had such a tight grip on him and haven't let him go since. He wonders how different things would be if Taehyung wasn't dumb and didn't say some cocky joke that started this constant fighting and misunderstandings between them.
Maybe if he just said that he thought he was beautiful, that it was nice to meet him, and just shook his hand, maybe Jungkook would be his. Maybe he wouldn't be with someone else right now. Or maybe it didn't matter what he did that day. Maybe Jungkook wouldn't have fallen for him even if he tried to make a move, maybe Taehyung was doomed from the start.
Taehyung doesn't know how long he sits there, watching the water dance as his thoughts get meaner while he kicks himself for messing up the one good thing in his life, but it's after midnight when Jungkook's soft voice comes up behind him.
He turns around, confused as to why he's here and how he even found him. He swallows nervously. Jungkook must have finished with Minjun already, and his stomach tries to invert itself inside his body at the thought. He looks away.
You don't care, is what he keeps telling himself in hopes he'll eventually believe it.
It doesn't work.
"Hey."
“What are you doing here?”
“Um, well…” Jungkook looks nervous, barely meeting his eyes as they talk. “I don’t know, I just wanted to find a place to think, I guess.”
Taehyung nods. “Oh. Okay. Same as me then."
The silence that follows crawls up Taehyung's spine and makes him shiver. He can feel it's awkward, like they're so many usaid words that neither wants to address, so instead they just make the air around them heavy and hard to breathe. He doesn't understand why though. Sure, he probably has a lot to say, but why would Jungkook?
He clears his throat, wanting to put an end to the silence.
“Did it go well?”
“What?”
Taehyunh swallows, heart in his throat. “With Minjun.”
“Oh uh…yeah. It was good.”
Fuck, why did he ask? He didn't want to know that. But now he does and it's making his head spin and his chest grow tight.
It was good. Fucking someone that wasn't him was good. He shouldn't be surprised or hurt by this, he knew what he was getting into when they agreed on it at the beginning, he knew Jungkook was just asking for lessons so he could be able to get fucked by someone else. It was never about him. He knew that but now it's more real, now he can feel every smile his way and laugh blessing his ear, and touches that felt like there was more underneath, were all in his head. Now he has no choice but to really just give u–
“Fuck you!”
Taehyung snaps his head towards Jungkook, surprised to see an angry scowl plastered across his face. He isn't sure what just happened for him to say that all of a sudden.
"What?"
"You heard me. I said; fuck you."
Taehyung opens and closes his mouth in shock before speaking. "What did I do?"
"Why did you laugh at me when I asked you to top me huh? You fucking got my hopes up just to shoot me down. Why?"
Why does he care, Taehyung instantly thinks, why does it even matter at this point? He knows how to bottom now, he's tried it out, and he's free to fuck whoever he wants. Why is he still hung up on not fucking him? It makes something ugly swirl in the pit of his stomach, his hurt and pain pushing out his next words before he could even stop them.
"I'm not doing this shit with you."
Taehyung stands to his feet from where he was sitting on the edge, needing to get out of this room as soon as possible. He's too emotional right now, and he would rather not say something he's going to regret. But Jungkook seems to have other plans when he stands up along with him, grabbing his arm and not letting him get far.
"You can't run away from this."
"Let go of me." Taehyung murmurs, clenching his fists and his jaw. He needs to get out.
"Tell me why."
"I don't need to tell you anything."
"God, why do you have to make everything so difficult? You know what you are?"
The sudden anger, the familiarity of them fighting takes over Taehyung's body, not really thinking of what he's saying and just letting his words spill past his lips hot and fast.
"Please Jungkook, please enlighten me since you think you're so much smarter than me."
Bitterness sweeps across Jungkook's face. "What is that supposed to mean?
"Just fuck off."
"No, I'm not going to fuck off. You're a coward Taehyung, a fucking coward." Jungkook huffs, snapping at him, and Taehyung has had enough of whatever this is. He came here for some quiet, to be alone with his thoughts and maybe cry a little. He definitely didn't come here to fight with Jungkook about...god, he doesn't even know. Taehyung stomps right up to Jungkook, fierce.
"I'm not a coward."
"You are! Jungkook practically shouts, his voice bouncing off the walls in an echo. "Instead of telling me how you felt you laughed at me and made me feel like shit when it took a lot to even say that to you. You rather hide behind your smart remarks than just say how you feel."
Taehyung's stomach drops straight to his ass, his heart pounding violently. He can't know right? No, he can't. That's impossible. He keeps his cool.
"I don't even know what you're talking about."
"Yes, you do." Jungkook shoves him, not hard, but hard enough that it has Taehyung stumbling backward a little before he catches himself. He scoffs. "You know exactly what I'm talking about."
Taehyung glares at him and pushes back, just moving on instinct.
"Don't fucking touch me."
"Say it!"
"I don't know what you want me to say."
He does know. But he's not going to say it, he's not. He can't. Jungkook doesn't feel the same, it's just sex between them and Taehyung would be dumb as fuck to think the younger feel anything more than that. So he won't say anything.
He refuses.
"Yes, you do." Another push from Jungkook, harder than the last. "Stop being such a pussy and say it."
He refuses, but his mouth and the anger boiling inside him just let it go before he had any way of stopping it. Two years of pent-up emotion, out and free.
"Jesus fuck, you want me to say it? Then fine, I'll say it." He shoves Jungkook. "I love you, okay? I'm fucking in love with you? Happy now?"
"Yes, you dumbass. Why didn't you tell me before? Why didn't you want to top me?"
"I was scared, okay? I've never been in love and it scared the shit out of me."
Jungkook groans in annoyance. "I'm scared too! God, I'm so scared but we could have worked it out. We could have...I don't know. I love you too and we could have talked about it, but instead, you had me crying over your ass. So fuck you."
"No, fuck you."
What follows next goes by so fast, that Taehyung can't even focus on what has just been said, he's too busy being pushed into a pool and splashing Jungkook for it. It doesn't hit him until they've both calmed down a little, until the room is silent and it's not filled with anger anymore. He doesn't hit him until he looks over at Jungkook who's running a hand through his wet hair.
But when it does, he doesn't think he's felt happiness like he does in this moment.
There've been so many guys in his life that Taehyung thought made him happy, that he thought he was in love with, but they always turned out to be assholes who really only wanted him for one thing. He's so used to sleeping around and burying his feelings so deep down, that he forgets how it is to just let himself…feel. And when he met Jungkook, his heart beating faster and his stomach flipping when he came around, he thought he could bury whatever that was too. But he hasn't been able to, it's always been there, floating right on the surface with nowhere to hide.
But so was Jungkook's.
This whole time he had feelings too. And if it wasn't for this sudden fight, he would have never known.
The fact that he could have gone through life, and could have watched Jungkook eventually be with someone else when Jungkook felt the same, makes him feel sick. He doesn't want to go through life thinking of the what-ifs. He doesn't want to have to wish he could go back. He doesn't want to daydream of what his life would be like if he just would've said something when he had the chance.
Not when he has the chance right now.
Jungkook looks over at him, cheeks a pretty red. He clears his throat. "Are-are you really in love with me?"
And he's damn well going to take it.
"Yes," He smiles a little, nervous, but finally free. "I'm in love with you."