Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

After Matt’s hearing was fully restored and his senses were better, he had hoped that it wouldn’t be a problem again. He should’ve known better. After all, he has never had much in the luck department. But still, a man can hope, right?

Wrong. He should have known that something would happen again.

*** 

With Fisk put away (hopefully for good this time) Matt had finally decided to expand his circle of people who knew he was alive. He started with Claire, who smacked him in the chest but hugged him right after, and then she told Luke, who told the rest of their rag tag little group that was there the night he died. And since then, they have been occasionally teaming up together (whether it was just two of them or sometimes all of them) and he had to admit he kind of enjoyed it. 

So when none other than Jessica Jones showed up at his apartment at 3 in the morning, he finds that he doesn’t hate it. 

“I need a favor” she says right as he opens the door

He tilts his head in what he assumes is her direction

“Right now?” He asks

He can practically feel the eye roll.

“Yes, right now, dumbass” She replies, moving to push past him 

Matt sighs, he had only gone to bed about an hour ago because of some dick who just wouldn’t stop getting back up no matter how many times he kicked his teeth in. The guy was a pretty good fighter too, for just some petty robber. He had managed to knock Matt in the head a couple of times and the past few sleepless nights have been weighing on him. 

But he lets her come in, because for the first time since he’d met her, Jessica was asking for his help. So he will, he owes her that much after letting her believe he was dead for three and a half months. 

“A law favor or….?” Matt lets the question hang in the air 

“No” she says shortly, she doesn’t sound  angry, just……in a hurry “I need you to beat someone up” 

Matt raises his eyebrows 

“Why don’t you just do it?” He asks 

Jessica sighs tiredly and he can smell the whiskey on her breath all the way from across the room. Not that he normally can’t, but this feels more fresh, more recent, like she just came from the bar. She probably did. 

“Because I promised my client I wouldn’t” 

Matt stares in her direction for a moment. 

“Give me the details” he says 

He hears her plop down on his sofa and he sits down next to her, waiting patiently for her to say what she needs to. 

“This woman came into my office a few days ago, right? And she asks me to find out where her husband goes every night after work” 

He nods. 

“I accepted, obviously, it was easy cash and a simple job. But the woman told me that no matter what he was doing, even if he was cheating, I wasn’t allowed to get involved” she went on “Which normally isn’t a problem except for the fact that he wasn’t just cheating” 

“What was he doing?” 

She was silent for a minute or two. 

“He was raping kids” 


Bile swims in the back of Matt’s throat and he can’t tell if it’s the concussion he probably has, or if it’s what she just told him. Both, he decides. 

“Do you know where he is right now?” Matt asks through gritted teeth 

He feels Jessica nod and then she pulls out a piece of paper. She grabs his hand and places the paper in his palm 

“Can you read that?” She asks 

He traces the indents on the paper and nods.  

Without a second thought, he grabs the scarf around her neck (ignoring her protest at that) and rushes to the stairs. He didn’t have time to put on his whole outfit and he was already in black sweats and a black shirt. He ties the scarf around his eyes and heads out to the roof. 

*** 

Jessica honestly wasn’t surprised when Matt opened the door at 3 in the morning, and she also wasn’t surprised when he immediately jumped at the chance to beat this sick son of a bitch into the ground. That’s why she came to him. She knew he would be awake and willing to help her with this particular problem. 

She quickly follows him outside and watches as he jumps from rooftop to rooftop effortlessly. It was impressive. Especially since he didn’t have her powers. She jumps after him (just to make sure he gets to right place, there’s no other reason) and stops after a few leaps just in time to see him climb down the roof silently and sneak up behind their target. 

Matt does a cool spin kick across the guys head before he even has a chance to turn around and then gets into a classic fighting stance as the dude falls to the ground. He gets back up in a few second and throws a punch that Matt easily dodges, grabbing his wrist and twisting hard enough to elicit a scream that Jessica can hear from the rooftop she’s watching from. 

Murdock whispers something in the guys ear before stomping hard on his leg, making him collapse with another barely muffled scream. Even from here, Jessica can see the piece of shit reach into his pocket to grab something. She doesn’t even get a chance to shout a warning before he’s swinging blindly behind him towards Matt. 

She should’ve known that he’d dodge it with no effort but the butt of knife does manage to catch him in the head, hard enough to knock him off balance. The guys swings again but Matt stumbles away just in time and does another flip kick thing to knock the knife out of his hand and kick him in the head again in one fail swoop. He drops to the ground like a sack of potatoes. 

Jessica can’t help but smirk before she realizes that Matt was swaying a bit, breathing hard as he stands over the unconscious man.  

“Shit” she whispers “Are you okay?” 

She knows that he can hear her from here and she sees his tiny nod. He starts moving towards the ladder again and he makes it up to the roof (albeit a little slower this time) before doing some weird parkour shit to make it to the rooftop that she’s on. 

Jessica deems it safe enough to let him make it on his own, so she turns around, ready to head back home, just in time to hear him drop to the ground. 

***  


She mumbles a string of curse words that he doesn’t have a reaction to and it just worries her more. Kneeling down by him cautiously, she presses her fingers to his neck. His pulse is fairly steady, a little fast, but that makes sense because of the fight he just had. Jessica pokes him in the shoulder. 

Matt groans, shifting until he’s on his back. 

“What happened?” He asks  


“You tell me” she says, grabbing his arm to help him sit up “What’s wrong?” 

He place his hand on the ground and stands up slowly, Jessica following suit. 

“Nothing” he responds “Must’ve taken too many hits to the head” 

She can’t help but roll her eyes at his self-assessment 

“Whatever, let’s get back to your apartment” 

His eyebrows raise from behind the blindfold 

“My apartment?” 

“Yes, dipshit, your apartment” 

“Why?” He asks  

The tone he uses lets her know that behind the blindfold he has the biggest puppy dog eyes ever. 

“So I make sure you don’t die, now let’s go, I’m calling Claire” 

Matt lets out a sigh that she knows means he’s going to shut up and follow her. Good.  

*** 

Claire was waiting patiently by the front door of Matt Murdock’s apartment for a total of 5 minutes before Jessica Jones opens the door. She was lucky that she knew the PI was already there, or else that would have been quite the surprise. 

“Matt?” She calls out, pushing past the leather clad woman to get inside 

“Quiet” Jess snaps in a harsh whisper “He’s sleeping on the couch”  

Wow. Claire never would’ve guessed that he would go to sleep of his own free will, but then again, maybe he didn’t. She doesn’t know the extent of his injuries just yet. 

She walks over to the couch and sure enough, he was curled up there, fast asleep. There were no signs of blood or broken bones so that was good. 

“What happened?” She asks Jessica as she kneels down in front of him

“He beat the shit out of a pedophile but when he got back up to the roof, he passed out” she explains, hovering over the two of them nervously “He woke up for long enough to get here but when I called you, he fell asleep on the couch before I could ask him anything”

Claire sighs through her nose

“Jesus, I told him not to go out for a couple of days. He had a concussion”

Jessica snorts

“And you thought he would listen?”

She doesn’t dignify that with a response, instead opening one of Matt’s eyelids carefully and shining the light in it. He still had a concussion, but it was hard to tell how bad it is with the whole blind thing.

“Alright, well, he seems fine. As long as he rests for a couple of days, he should be good” she announces, standing back up

“Where are you going?” Jess asks nervously

“I have a shift in a few hours, and unlike you two, I can’t run on 30 minutes of sleep a night”   


The PI laughs a little at that before turning back towards Matt. She seems to think for a moment before sighing, moving to the couch and taking the blanket from the chair to drape across the sleeping man. He was curled up into a ball so Jess still had enough room to sit by his feet. 

Claire smiles, staring at the two for a minute. 

“You know he’ll be fine on his own, right?” 

Jessica glares at her 

“You know that’s not true, right?” She mocks 

Claire raises her hands in surrender 

“Alright, just make sure he eats something when he wakes up” 

Jess nods, not looking up from the book she has just magically pulled out of thin air during their conversation. Claire once again smiles, snapping a quick picture of them and sending it to Luke with the caption  

Guess who volunteered to babysit. 

***


Jessica honestly didn’t know why she stayed, but for some reason she’s sitting on the idiot’s couch, reading the novel she had in her jacket. Ironically it was one Matt had given her. He claimed it was no longer of any use to him and he didn’t know why he kept it around for so long. She knew why. It was from his dad, and Matt was a weirdly sentimental person. 

Speak of the devil (ha, literally) she feels him shift slightly from his fetal position. She looks up from the book, watching him cautiously as he stretches his legs out a little further. His hand curled into the material of the blanket she had laid over him 20 minutes ago, his fingers clenching and then unclenching. 

Suddenly he was wide awake, sitting up faster then she thought was humanly possible. His blank eyes were blinking fast, and he was tilting his head back and forth like he does when he’s trying to listen for something. 

“Murdock” Jessica says 

He doesn’t react. Shit. 

“Hey, Matt” she tries again, snapping her fingers in front of his face 

Apparently that was a bad idea because before she knew what was happening, he had her arm twisted behind her back painfully. Goddamn ninja. 

She twists out his grasp with little struggle because of whatever state he seems to be in, and grabs his arms. He freaks out, swinging at her with none of his usual accuracy before pressing his hand to the side of his head. 

“I can’t see” he mumbles 

Which, duh, he’s blind. But he keeps repeating it to himself hysterically. 


He snaps his fingers in front of his ears once, twice, three times, before lowering his hand almost……sadly? Jessica doesn’t know, but those damn puppy dog eyes of his make her want to hit something. 

Matt stumbles backwards and the couch hits the back of his knees, making him fall onto it with a thud. He smacks his hand on it loudly, but doesn’t react to the noise. With his hearing that sound should’ve been equivalent to a gun shot. 

But he hits it again and again. Before he has a chance to do it a third time she leaps forward and grabs his wrist 

“What the hell are you doing!?” 

He flinches from her touch but once again has no reaction to her voice. Can he……not hear her? 

“Murdock, can you hear me?” She asks 

No reaction. 

“Shit” she mutters to herself 

How does she tell him he’s safe when he can’t see or hear her? 

She finally moves her grip from his wrist to his hand, guiding it to her face slowly. Then she grabs his other hand and does the same. He traces her features with his fingers surprisingly gently while she grabs his arm softly. She writes the words it’s okay and you’re safe onto his shoulder and is relieved when he seems to relax a bit. 

“Jessica?” He asks quietly, his gaze just to the left of her like it normally is  

She nods, hoping he can feel it from where his hands are still framing her face. He seems to get it. 

 
“Where are we?” 

She traces home onto his shoulder. 

“My house?” He clarifies  

She nods again. 

Matt takes his hands from her face, shaking his head a bit and bringing his fingers to his ears to snap them together. He recoils. 

“Can you hear me now?” She asks 

“Y-Ya I can hear again” 

“Good” she says “Now you can tell me what the hell just happened” 

Matt sighs brokenly, his sad puppy eyes coming back at full force. She wonders if he even knows he does it. He probably doesn’t. 

“It was nothing” he mumbles “You can go now” 

Jessica rolls her eyes again, but still moves to sit down by him on the couch. 

“Matt, just tell me what happened” 

“Why does it matter?” He asks 

“Because you were temporarily deaf!” 

He doesn’t seem to have a response to that. She doesn’t get why he won’t just tell her what’s going on. Leaning back on the couch, she crosses her arms stubbornly. 

“I’m not leaving until you tell me” 

Matt rubs his hand over his face, and she doesn’t mention how he’s shaking. 

“It’s not that big of a deal, it’s just something that happens sometimes” 

Jessica blinks 

“This has happened before?” 

“Ya, a few times” he shrugs “The first time was after I got shot in the head, but it went away and it didn’t happen again until after……you know” 

Midland circle. Jesus Christ. 

“Okay, I’m gonna ignore the whole you got shot in the head thing if you explain to me why the hell you haven’t told anyone about this” 

Matt shrugs again, as if they were just talking about the weather or some shit 

“All of my senses were messed up after…what happened……but it went away after a while again, so I didn’t think it was important” 

“You didn’t think it was important?” She repeats “Wow you’re even more of an idiot than I thought” 

Matt glares at her. Well, in her direction at least. 

“Why do you care?” 
 

“Look, I know that you’re tiny brain can’t comprehend that people care about your well being, but news flash, some people like it when you’re alive”  

His lips quirk up into a smile 

“You going soft on me Jones?” 

Jessica snorts 

“You wish Murdock” she retorts “But seriously, you need to be more careful” 


“I make no promises” he says “And please don’t tell anyone else about this” 

Honestly she wasn’t planning on it, but the fact that he doesn’t want her to sets them alarm bells off in her head. 

“Why not?” 

“It’s not important” 

Jessica was about to fight him on that but she can see the tension in his shoulders, and the way his hands are still clenching the blanket so that his fingers don’t shake. 

“Fine” 

He breathes a sigh of relief 

“Thank you” 

“Whatever” she shrugs “You got any booze?” 


“Ya” Matt laughs “Top cabinet in the kitchen, I think” 

Jessica grabs the bottle of cheap whiskey and sits back down on the couch next to him, taking a swig of the drink and ignoring the way it burns down her throat. He makes a grab for it but she smacks his hand 

“No way, you have a concussion” 

He pouts, honest to god pouts. But Claire would kill her if she let him drink this. And that’s not the way she would prefer to die. 

“I’m fine, it’s a mild one anyway” he argues 

And those blank eyes are trying their hardest to meet hers. She takes a deep breath, prays that Claire won’t find out, and offers the bottle. 

*** 

After about an hour of passing the whiskey back and forth, Matt falls asleep with his head against the couch. Jessica is about to get up and leave when a mess of brown hair lands on her shoulder. Just her luck. But she doesn’t have the heart to wake him considering she knows this is probably the only sleep he’s gonna get in the next few days. 

So instead she settles deeper onto the couch. And if she wraps her arm around him as she’s falling asleep, well, then no one has to know. 

*** 

Claire walks into Matt’s apartment with the spare key that he gave her and freezes dead in her tracks. Apparently Jessica did stay with him, because there they were on the couch. His head was laying on her shoulder and her head was atop his, an arm slung over his shoulders protectively. 

She takes another picture and slowly backs out of the apartment. 

Chapter Text

The moment that Matt woke up, he knew something was wrong. His head felt fuzzy and he realized with a small amount of disgust that he had soaked his sheets in sweat. Nothing he did last night during his vigilante activities would have him feeling this way, so it isn’t injury related. Besides, the worst he got last night was a few cracked ribs, and more bruises to add to the growing collection littering his body.  

So the only other reasonable explanation was that he was sick. Great. Right when he was in the middle of taking down a human trafficking ring, and working three different cases at the firm. Granted, two of them are pretty straight forward and he knew that once court was over today for the Erickson case, that would be done. And once Karen found the last piece of evidence they needed, the Gerald’s case would be done too. 

But Mindy Booker’s case was a bit more difficult. She had come into their office a week ago, saying that she was being charged with aggravated assault after a man had tried to kidnap her. She left with minimal bruising and a pocket knife stained in blood, while the attacker had left with a broken nose and a stab wound in the stomach. Matt didn’t even need to hear her voice before he knew it was the same woman he had saved the night before. 

Obviously they had to take the case. Especially because Matt was pretty damn sure that the guy who tried to kidnap her was a player in the trafficking ring he was taking down. So, needless to say, this was quite possibly the worst time for him to get sick. It doesn’t matter though, he reminds himself, all this stuff is more important than whatever bug he’s coming down with. He’ll just fight through it. It’ll probably be gone in a couple of days anyway. 

*** 

It didn’t go away. It has been four days since Matt woke up sick, and it still hasn’t gone away. He’s been nauseous, shaky, hot, and even a little dizzy for the past 48 hours, and it’s absolutely killing him. Of course, going out in the middle of the night to punch people probably isn’t helping, but whatever. He has a job to do. Which is also why he still gets up and goes into the office. This whole double life thing is a lot more tiring when you’re sick. 

But again, it doesn’t matter, he just needs to focus on what’s in front of him. Good thing Foggy and Karen just happen to be in front of him at the moment, because they are very easy people to focus on. They were loud, sometimes annoyingly so, and they both had distinct smells that have become soothing to Matt. They are the main reason he dragged himself out of bed today. 

“Matt?” Karen says 

He lifts his head 

“Ya?” 

“I asked what you wanted for lunch” she says slowly 

He silently curses himself for tuning out their chatter to help his headache. 

“Oh, um, I don’t care” he says “You guys can decide”  

“Well, I’ve been craving Thai food, so I’m gonna run out and grab some” Foggy announces 

There’s no way that Matt will be able to keep that down, but he figures that he needs to eat at some point today, so it will have to do. He’ll just use every ounce of training to keep the food in his stomach once he eats it. 

Matt traces his best friend’s movement until he’s outside on the street, even though doing that just aggravates his headache. His senses still feel muddled and when he’s sick it takes twice as much effort to tune everything unimportant out. 

He can hear all the people outside, yelling, laughing, and chattering, along with the cars and the subway underneath the ground; He can hear Karen typing on her laptop, her heartbeat and breathing steady. He can smell the coffee she had at breakfast and the garbage a few feet away from them that they haven’t taken out in a few days, and the lingering cologne of Foggy coming from the chair he was sitting in. 

He can taste the vomit in the back of his throat and the air freshener that Karen put in their office a few weeks ago. He can feel the clothes on his body and his phone and wallet in his pocket; he can feel the rumbling of the building as cars pass by, and the micro shifts in the air as Karen shuffles around in her seat. 

Matt can’t focus on what’s in front of him anymore, all of his surroundings have become to much for him. He tries to breathe through it, tries to pick one thing and focus on it, but it’s all so much and he can’t choose something to center in on.

Stick’s voice echoes in the back of his head, telling him to toughen up and focus. Who cares if he’s sick, if he can’t get it together then he’s gonna get killed. Or worse, he’ll get someone else killed. He’s gonna get someone killed, it’s his fault…… 

“Matt?” 

He can’t help it, he flinches away from the voice. 

“Matt, what’s wrong?” 

That’s Karen’s voice. She sounds worried, and her heart is beating faster than it was earlier. Why is she scared? Did something happen? 

He reaches his hand out in her general direction, wanting to comfort her. Calm her down. A smooth palm lands in his hand and he can’t help but reach his other arm out, trying to grab onto her. To keep her here, keep her safe. His hand lands on her shoulder. When did she get in front of him? 

“Matt, what’s going on? Tell me how to help” 

 
She already is helping, her heartbeat is loud enough now that she’s in front of him for him to focus on and he can feel her hand in his. A steady presence. 

Their office door opens and he flinches again. He didn’t hear anyone coming. 

“Hey, I got……” 

That’s Foggy. Foggy is back. Good. Matt likes it when he’s here, he’s safe, and familiar. 

“Something’s wrong with Matt” Karen says

There a lot of things wrong with him, they knew that already. But apparently that’s a surprise because Foggy’s heart speeds up to the pace that Karen’s is at. And now he’s in front of Matt too. 

“Matt?” Foggy asks softly 

He wants to say something, that he’s okay, that they don’t need to worry about him, but no words come out of his mouth. And everything is still just too much  
   

“What’s too much?” That’s Karen’s voice again 


“Everything” he manages to get out, pressing his hands against the side of his head to try and stifle the noise  

He feels Foggy’s hands on his shoulders and Karen’s hands grabbing his own, trying to pry them away from his ears.

“Stop it” he says, and the devil leaks into his voice a bit.

Foggy’s hands disappear and Matt hears him mumble something about water, but he’s not quite sure. 

“Matt, hey, it’s okay” Karen tells him, her hands resting on the back of his neck gently 

He focuses hard on the feeling of her hands slipping into his hair, her forehead resting against his, her scent of vanilla that never seems to waver as if it was baked into her, and her heartbeat that seems to have returned to normal. After a while (he’s not exactly sure how long) he comes back to himself. 

Karen was still mumbling a string of comforting words, her thumbs stroking the back of his neck in a soothing pattern, and he realizes that at some point someone took his glasses off. 

“Sorry” he mutters, and she opens her eyes, pulling her head back a little but still holding onto him 

“Are you okay?” She asks “You’re really warm”  

Foggy is suddenly in front of him again because apparently he’s still not totally back, and a water bottle is shoved into his hands 

 
“Wait, is this like back in college when you were sick with pneumonia and you refused to leave our room for 3 days?” Foggy asks 

Karen has got the lid unscrewed from the bottle and is pressing it back into his hands, but his mind is wandering to those days that Foggy was talking about. Matt had been sick for days before he went to the doctor and discovered he had pneumonia. He had stayed in their room because, just like now, his sense were on overdrive. More than usual. 

He gets to tired and can’t control them like he normally can when he’s sick, and it always ends with him on the floor covering his ears in a room with as little commotion as possible. Matt was just naively hoping that it wouldn’t happen this time. 

“Ya” he finally answers, taking a sip of water with shaky hands  

“Jesus Matt, why did you come into work?!” Foggy exclaims 

He winces at the loud voice of his friend, putting the water on the table in front of him 

“We had a lot to do today” he says  


Foggy takes a breath like he’s about to say something, but Karen beats him to it 

“Did you go out last night?” 

Matt nods. 

“Alright that’s it, let’s go, you’re going home” Foggy says, grabbing Matt’s arm and pulling him up 

“No, Fog, I’m fine” he insists, even though just standing up made him dizzy

He pulls his arm out of his friend’s grip and stumbles over to the corner of the room where his cane is. His glasses, he realizes, are in his pocket and he hurriedly puts those back on as well. 

“I just need some fresh air”  

Matt knows they’re staring at him as he rushes out the door to the busy streets of Hell’s Kitchen, but luckily they don’t follow him. 

*** 

Matt makes it all the way to the church before he feels like he can breathe again. He didn’t even mean to come here, was just letting his legs do their own thing, but now he’s standing in front of the chapel doors. The smell of old wood, candle wax, and dust make their way up his nose and he almost gags, his senses still dialed up from his little episode back at the office. 

He figures that since he’s already here, he should go inside and talk to his mom. The last time he saw her was at mass last Sunday and if he’s being honest with himself, he’s been missing her. So he opens the creaky door and steps inside the warm church, saying a silent prayer of gratitude that the only people are the nuns and the children. 

Speaking of the children, he hears the patter of tiny bare feet on the wooden floors and smells the baby powder before a tiny body is crashing into his leg. It’s Rose, the two year old little girl that came here a few months ago after her parents passed away in a car accident. She tugs on his pant leg and he sets his cane down on the nearest bench, leaning down to pick her up. 

She lays her head down on his shoulder and tucks her tiny hands between them, sucking on her binki loudly next his ear. He doesn’t mind though, just brings his other arm up to rub her back gently. 

“Hi Rosie” he mutters into her soft hair 

A new set of feet come running up to him, a bit lighter, and then another body comes crashing into him. It’s Joshua, the six year old little boy who’s mom died a few years back. Matt recognizes the smell of detergent that he wears. 

“Matt!” The boy exclaims, squeezing his torso with a strength that shouldn’t come from a child 

Matt keeps Rose, who has started to fall asleep against his shoulder, steady with one arm but drops his hand from her back to ruffle the boy’s hair.  

“Hey Josh” he says “Why aren’t you guys in class?” 

“Sister Amelia said I could take Rose to get a snack” Joshua explains “But then she must’ve seen you, because she was suddenly just gone” 

Matt frowns a little bit 

“Why isn’t someone older with you guys?” 

“Well, Eva came with us, but she had to go to the bathroom” 

Right, Eva, 11 year old girl who was left here as a baby. She was a sweet kid, a little bit of a troublemaker if his mom was right, but she had a big heart. And a loud one too. She’s walking towards him.

“Matt, what are you doing here?” Eva asks just as Josh pulls away from him “Don’t you have work?” 

“I was hoping to talk with Sister Maggie” he says  


“I think she’s in the basement” Eva tells him “I’ll take you” 

Her small but sturdy hand takes his arm, leading him forward and guiding him so he doesn’t run into anything. Matt knows that Josh’s hand is in Eva’s other one by the sound of their little palms slapping together.

Rose was still laying on his shoulder, quiet as a mouse as they descended the stairs. Soon enough they reach the bottom and Matt listens intently to the steady pounding of his mother’s heart. The sound makes him smile. 

“Matthew? What are you doing here?” She asks, standing up quickly

She probably assumes he’s hurt, and needs her help with something. It wouldn’t be totally unreasonable to think that, but still, it sends a pang of guilt through him.   
 

The air shifts slightly in front of him and he can hear the rustle of clothing 

“I’m holding my arms out, so I can take the baby” Eva narrates 

Matt smiles again. All of the kids here always seemed to remember to do little things like that for him. Even if he didn’t always need it, he appreciated how hard they were trying. 

He shifts Rose until she’s laying in his arms horizontally. By the pattern of her breathing, he assumes she’s asleep. Matt carefully holds her out to where Eva is, and she takes the baby from him gently. 

“Bye Matt!” Josh says, hugging him tightly again 

He ruffles the kid’s hair just like earlier and then the boy runs off. Eva stays behind for a second. 

“Here’s your cane” she says, tapping him on the arm with it so he can grab it 

“Thank you Eva”

From the rustle of hair, Matt assumes that she nods. He traces her footsteps until they’re back up the stairs.  

“Hi mom” he says once they’re gone

Maggie takes his hand, pulling him forward until they’re sitting on the bed. The bed that he slept on while he was recovering.  

“What are you doing here? Are you okay?” She asks 

Matt nods, smiling in a way he hoped was convincing. 

“I’m fine, I just wanted to see you……or listen to you, I guess” 
 

He doesn’t need sight to tell him that she’s frowning deeply. She probably doesn’t believe him. A hand lands on his shoulder and he flinches. He didn’t notice it coming. 

“Matthew?” His mom says softly “What’s wrong?” 
  

Matt doesn’t know why, but for some reason the sound of her voice opens a damn inside of him, one that he’s been trying to keep closed these past few days. Tears fill his eyes and he’s glad his glasses are still covering them. 

“I-I think I’m sick” he admits  

Maggie brings her hand up to his forehead, pressing her palm against his skin and he leans into it.  

“You’re definitely running a fever” she says “Let me grab you some water and medicine” 

The thought of her leaving his side for even just a minute makes something inside his chest ache deeply. He doesn’t even realize what he’s doing when he grabs her wrist to keep her from standing up. 

“Stay” he mutters quietly “Please” 

“Okay” 

*** 

Maggie was down in the church basement praying when she saw her son come down the stairs with three children clinging to him. Little Rose was asleep on his shoulder, his arm securing her to his chest, and Eva was guiding him down the stairs with his cane tucked under her arm and Joshua holding onto her hand. 

The children quickly left when they saw her worried expression, and for that she was grateful. She couldn’t help but stare at Matthew as he stood there sheepishly in front of her, like a lost child looking for somewhere to go. He had his cane back in his hands and his glasses on, but he wasn’t wearing his suit jacket despite how cold it is.  

She noticed how he was pale, and how his hands were trembling a bit as they gripped his cane tightly. When she grabbed his hand and led him to the bed, he didn’t protest. But when she laid her hand on his shoulder, he jumped, like he didn’t sense her hand coming towards him. To say that she was worried would be an incredible understatement. 

When she asked him what was wrong, he didn’t push her away and deflect like he normally does, he was actually honest. Matthew told her he was sick and she chose to ignore the way he said it with his head hung low as if he was ashamed. She felt his forehead and confirmed that he was indeed sick, but as she left to go get water and medicine for him, he asked her to stay.  

One look at his crumpling face and tired posture had her sitting back down on the bed with him. He lets out a small sigh of relief when she sits back next to him and it breaks her heart. She reaches over and slides his glasses off his face, setting them aside. 
 

“Come here sweetheart” she says, wrapping her arm around his shoulders 

He immediately relaxes into her embrace, his head dropping down to her shoulder. Maggie gently rubs her hand up and down his arm. Slowly, his breathing becomes calmer, like he’s about to fall asleep. 

She carefully scoots over a bit, keeping her arm around him as she does 

“Lift your feet up” she whispers 

He does as he’s told, curling in on himself like he’s trying to protect something. Probably himself. The thought makes her sad. But he lays down until his head is pillowed in her lap, and she smiles warmly down at her boy. Her son who was more of an adult then he ever was a child.  

She cards a hand through his hair softly, making him relax even more, and she can’t help but lean down to press a kiss to his head. 

“I’ve got you, Matthew”  

“Thank you mom” 

He soon falls asleep, hands twitching for a minute before settling again. Maggie stays there with her hand in his hair, listening to his even breaths and relishing in the fact that he looks relaxed for once.  

Matthew sleeps, and she stays. 

*** 


It took a total of three minutes after Matt left the office for Karen and Foggy to start looking for him. Foggy had insisted to leave it alone, he needed his space, but Karen could tell that something was wrong. Yes, he was sick, but it was more than that. He was hanging on by a thread and that thread snapped just before he hurried out of the building to go God knows where. It took only a minute for her to convince Foggy to look for him with her.

They had been searching all over Hell’s Kitchen for over fifteen minutes and still found nothing. Karen had checked his apartment and their favorite coffee house, and Foggy was off checking the precinct and the gym. When they met up on sixth street they both came back empty handed. 

“Where else would he be?” Karen asks 

Foggy shrugs helplessly “I have no idea………wait!” 

“What?!” 

“Karen, the church! Why didn’t we check the church!” 

And then he was off, leaving Karen to recover from her shock and then quickly follow behind him. Why didn’t either of them think to check to church? Whatever, it doesn’t matter as long he’s there and he’s okay. 

The make it to St. Agnes in five minutes due to the fact that it was only two blocks north of were they were, and also, they were practically running. Karen opens the big oak doors and sees an empty chapel. 

“Damn it!” Foggy curses

Karen lightly smacks his arm

“I think he still might be here” she tells him “We hid out in the basement here when Dex was after us, and Matt told me that was where he was……recovering”

“Well what are you waiting for, lead the way!” 

Karen nods, trying to remember where the entrance to the basement was. It doesn’t take her long before she’s opening the door and jogging down the steps, Foggy following her close behind.  

The sight that greets her is honestly not one she was expecting. There Matt was, curled up sleeping, head in his mother’s lap. Maggie looked up at them as they entered and smiled so similarly to how Matt does it honestly scared Karen. 

“I was wondering when you two would come find him” she says quietly, and, to Karen’s surprise, Matt didn’t wake up at her voice or their presence 

“Is he okay?” Foggy asks, stepping forward slowly as if not to scare a wild animal 

Maggie nods, smoothing Matt’s hair away from his forehead gently  

“He’s alright, just a bit sick” 

They already knew that, but Karen just nods, pushing past Foggy to go kneel down in front of Matt. She rests her hand on his arm and he stirs, unseeing eyes blinking awake slowly.  

“Hey” she says in the softest voice she can manage “How are you feeling Matt?” 

“Karen?” He asks 

The quiet vulnerability in his voice makes her heart constrict and she gently lays her hand on his cheek 

“Ya it’s me, and Foggy’s here too” 

Matt smiles softly 

“His heart is beating really fast” 

“Well sorry for worrying” Foggy says “You scared us back there buddy” 

The smile that briefly graced his features is quickly replaced with a frown that makes him look more like a sad child then anything else. 

“M’sorry” he says, voice muffled from where his face is still pressed into Maggie’s leg “I didn’t mean to worry you” 

Before either Karen or Foggy get to tell him just how wrong that statement is, his mom jumps in 

“I don’t think that’s what they mean kiddo”  

He gives them that curious puppy dog look that he doesn’t even know he does, and that’s all it takes for Foggy to kneel down next to Karen in front of him. He lays a hand on Matt’s shoulder. 

“We just meant that we were concerned about you buddy, you didn’t do anything wrong” Foggy tells him in what he calls his worried best friend voice 

“You don’t need to be worried ‘bout me” Matt whispers 

“Well, we do worry about you” Karen says matter of factly “And we would greatly appreciate it if you took care of yourself more” 

“You’re probably right” Matt chuckles, attempting to push himself upright. 

Maggie helps him into a sitting position next to her and grabs his glasses from the nightstand, placing them in his shirt pocket for him. The whole gesture was weirdly intimate, but Matt didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he looked as if he was trying not to smile.  

“You should go home, get some rest” his mom says “I’ll come check on you tonight after I’ve put the kids to bed” 
 

Matt nods, reaching his hands out in her and Foggy’s general direction. They share a look before each grabbing a hand. Maggie gives Karen his cane and briefly lays a hand on her arm without saying a word. She understands the message of the light touch. 

They help Matt out of the church and then all squish into a cab that goes to his apartment, just to be sure he actually gets there. Once they stumble up the stairs like a group of drunks, Foggy helps Matt into some more comfortable clothes while Karen gets him water and Aspirin. 

She quietly walks into his room and sees Foggy literally tucking him in. She has to refrain from laughing. Once her cheeks stop splitting in two from smiling at the pair, she sets the glass of water on Matt’s night stand. 

“Here, take these” Karen says, grabbing his hand from off the bed and laying the pills in his palm 

“What is it?” He asks as he fumbles for the water next to him 

Foggy guides the glass to his wandering hand. 
 

“It’s aspirin” she answers 

He swallows them without follow up questions and it makes Karen’s heart warm. Those little signs of his complete trust are all she needs to know that he is back to being the real him. 

Matt settles back into the pillows and closes his eyes, curling in on himself like he always does when he’s sleeping. It makes him look small, vulnerable. Once again, she takes it as a sign that he trusts them. 

“Thank you” he mutters quietly 

Neither of them get a chance to respond before he’s asleep. They leave his room as quietly and possible and settle onto the couch. 

They’ll be there when he wakes up. 

Chapter Text

Elektra thought that she knew everything about Matthew, he did tell her things that he hadn’t told anyone after all, but apparently there were still things that remained a mystery about him. Things that she wished she found in a different way. Things that honestly made her iron stomach twist painfully. 

She had just come to his apartment to get help with the newest piece of information on the hand, but instead she found him sleeping on his couch. He was wearing a sweatshirt and sweat pants and was covered in a thin blanket that didn’t even make it to his feet even though he was curled into a ball. 

 
Despite every instinct telling her not to, she sits on the coffee table and just watches him. His breathing was even, hair tousled, as he slept for the first time in probably days. There was always something so innocent about him when he slept; she saw it back in college and she sees it now.  
 

He looked……younger. More peaceful. The lines around his face weren’t visible and his blank eyes were closed so she couldn’t see the sadness, the pain, the weight, that he held there. He always curled up into himself, as if he was scared of something getting to him. Hurting him. The thought makes her angry, and a bit sad.  


Shockingly, he didn’t immediately wake up when she sat down in front of him. He must be truly exhausted. Elektra stayed as still as possible, keeping her breaths light and quiet, and making sure her heartbeat was steady. She didn’t want to wake him just yet, he needed the rest. 


But she did want to get more comfortable, so she carefully stands up and sits down in the chair that faces the couch. 
 

The last thing she thinks about before she drifts off is how domestic this all feels. She’s not sure how to feel about it.

***   

A small sound has Elektra jerking awake into a defensive stance before her brain even has a chance to catch up with her. She lowers her knives when she realizes that there is no immediate threat and the fog in her head clears. Another similar noise to the one that woke her makes her swivel her head in that direction. 

“No……stop” 

It was Matthew. His fists were clenched around the blanket and his head was pressed against the pillow forcefully, as if he was cowering away from something. He was having a nightmare. 

“Please………just stop” he whimpers 


Her heart hurts as she watches him burrow further into the couch, hiding from something that appeared only in his dreams. Your brain can be a cruel thing. 

“I’m sorry sister” 

Elektra hears her breathing hitch but doesn’t feel it. Doesn’t feel anything. Except rage and a fierce kind of protectiveness. 

Why was he having a nightmare about the nuns? The ones that raised him no less. Can what she is thinking really be true? Was he abused? Why is she just now finding out about this? 

Another crying sound pulls her out of her thoughts and she looks down at his face that was contorted in pain and starting to get wet with tears. His body was no longer relaxed, now holding the same tension it does when he’s stressed or fighting. 

She kneels down in front of him and places her hand on his back out of instinct. 

“Matthew, wake up” she urges “You’re just dreaming” 

The words slip out of her mouth even though she knows that whatever is happening inside his head isn’t just a dream, it’s a memory. A horrible, painful memory that he’s reliving. Oh how she wishes she could take all those away and replace them with warm, happy memories.  


He wakes up with a jolt and a scream that he seems to bite down at the last second, his beautiful eyes staring at nothing but holding fresh tears that threatened to spill. 

“Shh it’s alright” she says gently “You’re alright” 

As if he just now noticed her presence, he jerks away from her comforting hand in his back, chest heaving more rapidly then it was when he woke up. 

“It’s just me” she mutters 

He does the head tilt thing 

“E-El-Elektra?” he stutters, his voice thick with sleep and tears 


“I’m right here” she assures him softly as she lays her hand on his leg  

She stands up and sits beside him on the couch  

“Want to tell me what you were dreaming about?”  


“N-No” 

“You were having a nightmare” Elektra starts gently “About nuns. Why?”  


He sits there silently, hands twitching and fidgeting, breathing labored, tears in his eyes. She grabs him, pulling him into a hug before she can think to much about what she’s doing. 

She leans back onto the couch as his full weight crashes into her. He hadn’t sensed her coming so she caught him by surprise, which led him to fall into her arms until his head was resting on her chest. 

“I–” he starts hesitantly before being cut off by her hand cupping the back of his head 

He sniffles, arms coming up to snake around her waist 

“I’m sorry” he mumbles quietly 

“What for?” She asks, fingers threading lightly through his hair 

“You don’t deserve this” 

“And why would you think that?” 

“Because it’s not your fault that that I’m broken, so you shouldn’t have to pick up the pieces” 

Elektra sighs sadly, staring down at the man who was practically burying his face in her shoulder just to get some form of comfort while also simultaneously trying to push her away. Who could’ve hurt him this bad? 

 
Obviously Stick had a major role in why he is who he is, but there was more to it. There had to have been others that taught him his worth comes from what he can do for them. She just doesn’t know who. 

“Oh Matthew……you have nothing to be sorry for” 

“But–”

“No buts, just go to sleep” she tells him

“Elektra…”

“Shhhhh, just sleep Matthew” 


Her fingers continue to softly stroke at his hair, her other hand rubbing up and down his back, soothing him until his protests were weak and his breathing was calmer. That always put him right to sleep when they were in college and he had refused to sleep for one reason or another. 

She wraps her arm around his shoulders, humming softly so that he had a noise to focus on. That also always helped him fall asleep, having something that would stay there even as he drifted off. 

“I wasn’t very well behaved when I was a kid” Matthew says after a minute “And I had to deal with the consequences” 

Elektra knows that it’s hard for him to say this, so she stays quiet, hoping he’ll say more before his exhaustion inevitably takes hold completely.

“I don’t know why I still dream about it…I guess it’s just something my mind can’t quite let go of” he whispers 


Her heart breaks a little bit as he tells her, but she still doesn’t interrupt. 

“I’m sorry you had to see me like that, I normally have better control” 


She refrains from scoffing. Did he really think that that was something he could control? It wasn’t. He should know that better then anyone, she thinks as she lays her forehead against the top of his head.  

“You still don’t need to apologize” she whispers into his hair “You didn’t do anything wrong” 

Elektra knows that he doesn’t believe her, but she also knows that it would take a lot more then one conversation to convince catholic vigilante Matt Murdock that he’s worth it. That would take a few years and a lot of therapy. Therapy that wasn’t going out in a devil suit to beat up low life criminals on the streets of New York.  

She presses a kiss into his hair, moving her hand down a tiny bit to rub her thumb along his cheek 

“You didn’t deserve that Matthew” 

“You don’t know that” 

“Yes, I do” she replies easily “No child deserves that” 

Coming from her, that might sound weird, considering that Stick did the same thing. Worse, actually. But it wasn’t his job to raise her, and it was those women’s job to protect him. Besides, Stick also did it to him, so he was being abused by more then just one adult by the time he was 11. Not to mention a blind orphan. 

“I wasn’t a kid Elektra, I was a soldier by the time Sister Angela decided I was worth punishing” he says “What she did to me was nothing compared to Stick” 

“That doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt” 

“I could handle pain, unlike the other kids” 

Elektra’s hand stills from where she was rubbing his back 

“Did you take the punishments that were meant for other children?” She asks

He doesn’t say anything. The silence is answer enough.

“Matthew……”

“They were so young Elektra” he whispers, voice breaking just slightly “And most of the time they didn’t even do anything wrong”

“Did the other nuns know about this?”

“No”

“Why didn’t you tell them?”

He buries his nose into her neck and that’s when she realizes that there are tears streaming down his face 

“Because I-I deserved it” 

“Why?” 

“Dad was dead, and it was my fault” he says, voice trembling as he holds back more tears “And then Stick left, and that was my fault too” 


He probably thought that when she left it was his because of him. One day she’s gonna explain everything, but today isn’t that day. Especially because his eyes were fighting to stay open and she knows that the more he cries, the more tired he gets. 

“Oh darling, you carry way to much” she says

He laughs bitterly 

“Ya, I know”

She doesn’t know to respond to that, so she opts for staying quiet and waiting for him to fall asleep. But every time he closes his eyes and seems to be calmer, he startles himself awake again. 


“Relax Matthew, go to sleep” she whispers into his ear 

“Would you believe me if I said I wasn’t tired?” He tries weakly 

“No, I wouldn’t” she kisses his temple “But good effort” 
 

He sighs, fingers playing with her shirt nervously from where his arms were still wrapped around her. She strokes the hair off of his forehead gently.

“You need to sleep”

He opens his mouth like he wants to protest it, but she starts carding her fingers through his hair again and the response does on his lips. He relaxes into her and his eyes slowly slip closed, like he can’t fight it anymore. 


She kisses his head again as he drifts off, hoping to slip away when he falls into a deep enough sleep. But he continues to twitch and mumble things as he dreams, so she stays. 

Perhaps it’s because a part of her needs this just like he does. Or perhaps she’s just selfish, and she wants to keep holding him for as long as she can. 

Chapter Text

Ever since Jessica saw what happened to Matt when he got his head knocked more then a few times, she made sure to check up on him more. Not that she’d ever say that out loud, but it was true, and Matt knew it. She knows he does. She also doesn’t give a shit. Ya, she has a heart, don’t act so surprised Murdock. 

She would bring him case files (a braille copy) that she needed a hand with, and he would have her track people when he couldn’t be out as the devil. Sometimes they would enlist Danny, or Luke too. But either way, if Matt was involved, Jessica would show up. Maybe she was being paranoid, but ever since that little incident, she realized how fragile he was. 

Luke was bulletproof, Danny had his weird magic bullshit, and she had super strength. Matt, however, was completely normal. Yes, he was a good fighter, and he had crazy enhanced senses, but he was still just a human. A blind human. And Danny and Luke seem to forget that a lot. So she’s keeping an eye on him, just in case he tries to die on them again. 

Luckily nothing like that has happened yet, but there have been a few more times where his hearing goes to shit and he freaks out. Jessica just has to let him feel her face so that he knows she’s there, and then she’ll talk to him by tracing words onto his arm or his hand or wherever.  

It happened again last night when they were out beating up some players in a trafficking ring, which is why Jessica is currently walking with him to work (as per Claire’s request) with his hand wrapped around her elbow. 

“You don’t have to do this” Matt says for the billionth time, even though they’re almost to his office anyway 

“Shut up Murdock” is all she says in response 

He sighs, but keeps his mouth shut for the last two streets. When they get there she walks up with him. 

“Luke wanted to know if we could help him with a little problem tonight” She tells him as he sits down at his desk 

“What time?” He asks 

“8” 

“I’ll be there” 

“Good, cause if I have to listen to Danny tell that stupid dragon story by myself one more goddamn time, I’m gonna punch him through the wall” 

Matt laughs “I suppose that’s fair” 

***   

Matt made his way to Luke and Claire’s apartment in his lawyer attire, ready to change into the black suit when he got there. It was currently in a duffle bag hanging from his shoulder. He wasn’t totally sure what exactly the bullet proof man wanted help with, but they have all been working together to take down an underground gang that was becoming much too violent. So it’s probably that. 

He knocks on the door once he’s sure he’s in front of the right one, cane hung loosely from his hand, and duffle bag falling from his shoulder slightly. Claire is the one who opens the door, and she greets him by grabbing his arm and pulling him into the apartment. 

“What are you doing here? I told you to take a few nights off” she demands 

“Well you failed to mention that to your boyfriend” he retorts “Luke is the one who asked for help” 

“Dammit” she mutters  

He smiles at her before walking into the living room where everyone else was gathered, mumbling a hello and folding up his cane to set on the coffee table.


“So what’s up?” Danny asks Luke as Matt sits down next to him on the couch 

“Well I got recent information that our new gang friends will be hanging out over on 8th tonight, I was hoping you guys could help me out” he says 

“Of course” Danny tells him 

“Why else would we be here?” Jessica mumbles into her glass of Whiskey 

“Matt?” Luke asks 

“Give me two minutes” he replies, grabbing his duffle bag by his feet and disappearing into the bathroom. 

Once he changes out of his dress suit he walks back into the living room as the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen. Not Matt Murdock. Not Daredevil. But the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen. The original man in the mask. 

It’s not only because Melvin is still in the process of making him a new suit, and the fact that he doesn’t quite yet believe that he deserves it, but also because they were fighting back alley gang members that he used to take down when he first started.

It was simple. So, tonight, his outfit was simple too. Like a reflection of his old self could still be seen inside the roaring waters of the complicated person he is now. Back then it all felt so……well, for lack of a better word, simple. Perhaps that’s part of the reason he came tonight, why he keeps coming when they call, because he wants to prove to himself that he can still be that person.  

“Hmm…better then the horns” Jessica grunts, pulling him from his thoughts 

“Not when you’re the one stitching him up” Claire calls from the kitchen  

Matt smirks but restrains himself before it becomes a real smile, and starts heading to the window.   

“Hey, where are you going!” Danny yells at him as he steps onto the balcony 

“I’ll meet you there” Matt says, and then jumps into the night before they could stop him 

He hears Claire mumble something about him being a drama queen, and Danny’s indignant huff as Luke goes over and shuts the window again. He’s sure that Jessica is rolling her eyes. 

Whatever, he needs this. To run, to jump, to……be. Be free, the kind of free that makes him forget about all of the things suffocating him, even if just for a moment. Be himself, the devilish part of him that had gripped his soul since he was a child. Be alone, in a way that doesn’t make him feel lonely.

And running across these rooftops, knowing that he can go hurt these horrible people, it gives him a sick kind of adrenaline that lets him feel all those things. That let him be. Just for one blissful moment that he clings to like a dying man does a raft. Maybe that makes him pathetic, but he doesn’t give a shit. Hasn’t for a while now.

Once he makes it closer to the street Luke was talking about (8th? 9th? He doesn’t remember, but it doesn’t really matter considering he can’t read the street signs anyway) he could hear a few of the members talking about a drug deal. One guy was muttering something about a new heroin shipment that was coming in from the docs. 

Three pairs of footsteps make themselves loudly known as soon as the scent of whiskey, fancy cologne, and herbs hit his nose. Jessica, Luke, and Danny have arrived. They gather behind him where he’s leaning against the wall in an empty alley. 
 

“Can you hear them?” Luke whispers 

“They’re waiting for a shipment at the docs” he replies quietly “I assume they’re talking about the ones about a street down from here” 

The swish of long hair against old leather tells him that Jessica nodded (or shook her head maybe?) 

“Those docs normally have some pretty shady shit going down near them” She says. She was nodding then. 


“Do you know when the shipment will arrive?” Danny asks 

Matt concentrates on the conversation for a moment longer before turning to face his group. 

“It’s right now” he says “If we hurry we’ll make it there before these guys do” 

They all apparently agree, because they take off running. He follows soon after. It takes about two minutes tops because the docs were only one street down from the alley they previously were. 
 

Matt is about to start beating their faces in but Luke’s hand on his shoulder stops him. 

“What?” He growls 

The hand is quickly removed (probably by the tone of voice) and Matt grins. Nice to know he hasn’t lost his touch. 

“We should probably have at least some sort of a plan” Danny says, so that Luke doesn’t have to answer 

“There are 12 guys there, and only five of them are armed” Matt tells them “I could take them on my own and be done in five minutes”  

The intake of breath probably means that Danny wants to say more, but Jessica doesn’t let him. 

“What weapons do they have?” She asks 

“Knives” 

It was silent for a second. 

“Fine, let’s just go” Luke says 

That was all Matt needed to hear before he jumped on the closest guy to him, twisting his arm backwards before he could even reach for the knife at his side. One more punch to the throat and he was on the ground. 

Another came up behind him but Matt turned around and sent his foot into the guy’s rib cage hard enough that at least two of them cracked. He stomped down on his knee to be sure he wasn’t getting back up. 

Matt could hear a knife bounce off of Luke’s skin, and a back fracturing as Jessica threw someone into a wall. The heat signature around Danny informed him that the fist was making an appearance tonight. 

As he was concentrating to make sure the others didn’t need any help, a guy snuck up behind him and whacked him in the head with a wooden board. Awesome. Now he was dizzy. Whatever. He grabbed the board as it came at him again and broke it over the dude’s face. 

There were only 2 more guys left and Luke was holding one against a wall, while the other came at Matt with a knife. He twisted away and snapped the person’s arm in half with one easy motion, then kicked him into the lake. 

His adrenaline was already starting to come down now that all the people were unconscious, and now the headache was forming and the dizziness was worsening significantly. His ears were ringing. His ears were ringing. Shit, no, not right now. Not in front of them. Not when he was out in the open. 

They were talking (To him? To each other?) and he couldn’t focus on it with the ringing steadily growing louder. Wait, Jessica. Jessica knows what to do. He stumbles over to the smell of alcohol and leather and blindly reaches his hand out. It connects with her arm and he tightens his fingers around her jacket, the ringing getting worse. 

But it’s okay, because she knows what to do. He’s safe. 

*** 

Jessica was wiping the blood off of her hand from that one dick’s nose onto her pants when she sees Murdock stumbling in her direction. His hand was out like he was trying to tell what was in front of him. Once in her vicinity, he grabs onto her jacket with more force then necessary. 

That’s weir………oh shit! He’s gonna be so pissed that Danny and Luke will see him like this. See, this is why she has been keeping a closer eye on him, he’s a complete idiot. 

“Hey” she says, just to be sure she knows what’s going on 


He doesn’t react (not that she was expecting him to) so she pries his fingers off of her jacket and takes his arm, tugging him forward a bit. 

“We need to go!” She calls over to the other idiots who were discussing god knows what with each other 


They walk over to her and Matt, Luke doing a double take at her hand on his arm. 

“He’s hurt, we need to get to Claire” she explains, and starts walking forward, pulling Matt along with her 

The other two wait for just a second before following them. 

“You’re hurt?” Danny asks Matt 

Jessica rolls her eyes 

“Yes, he is, and he can’t hear you” 

“Okay, just slow down” the blonde says, grabbing Murdock’s other arm 

He has it twisted behind him before Jessica could warn him. It’s a lot more funny when she’s on this side of it. 

She grabs Matt and pulls him away from Danny, who backs away until he hits Luke. She traces Danny onto his back and he actually seems guilty. 

“Sorry” he says

Danny doesn’t say anything, nor does he move, until Luke pushes him forward towards where Jessica is tugging Matt along. No one says a word the whole walk back to Luke’s place. 

Once they get inside, Jessica leads Murdock to the couch and he sits down, pulling off his gloves and mask. He looks scared. She sits down next to him and grabs his hand, bringing it up to her face. 

“Jess” he says, relieved, even though she’s positive he already knew it was her 

She removes his hand from her face and writes into his palm Hurt? 

He shakes his head. 

“Claire?” She says loudly, startling Luke and Danny who were just standing there like idiots 

“You’re back” Claire says and she walks out out of the bedroom 

Jessica gestures her over to the couch

“It happened again” she tells the nurse, pointing at Matt who was nervously fidgeting with his hands 

“Jesus Christ, of course it did” 

Claire kneels down in front of Matt, grabbing his face in between her hands. He flinches away, but relaxes a second later when he realizes who it is. 

“Hi” he says sheepishly “It happened again” 

The nurse shakes her head fondly, dropping her hands down to his shoulders for a moment before standing back up. 

“Well, you know you just have to wait it out” 
 

“Okay can someone please explain what’s going on?” Luke asks finally 

Claire turns to the two very confused men and starts telling them everything she knows. Jessica ignores them and turns her attention back to Matt who was going full puppy dog eyes. She doesn’t find it sad. Nope. Not one bit. 

That’s definitely not why she wraps her arm around his shoulders. She does that because she knows he gets weirdly cuddly when he’s scared. Which totally doesn’t want to make her punch every single person who every hurt him, even when he lays his head on her shoulder. 

She tunes back into the conversation the other three were having, which seems to have just wrapped up based on Luke’s sad, angry, protective face, and Danny’s confused look towards Matt.  

“Why didn’t he tell us?” Danny asks 

“Cause he’s stupid” Jessica replies, even as she lays her head down on top of his “And cause he feels guilty” 
 

Luke sighs heavily, going to sit down on the other side of Matt, who tenses as he feels the couch dip. She writes Luke on his upper arm and he immediately relaxes again. He reaches his hand out towards the bullet proof man, who frowns sadly and grabs it between his two palms, gripping protectively. 

“Why would he feel guilty?” Luke asks 

“Because it started happening again after Midland Circle, and he thinks we’re still mad at him for that” Jessica answers 

“Of course he does” Luke sighs “Well how long does it normally take before his hearing comes back?”  


Claire walks back into the kitchen (when did she leave?) with two mugs of something that was steaming. 

“Depends, but it’s normally never over an hour” she says, leaning over the back of the couch and tapping one of the mugs against the back of Matt’s hand that wasn’t being held by Luke 

He takes it from her and smells it before taking a sip, sighing contently and offering it to Jessica. She grabs it and takes a swallow. It’s tea. But it tastes good, so Claire must’ve put some bourbon in it. She passes it back to Matt’s awaiting hand. 

“It should be coming back any second now” Jessica says “We just have to wait” 

So that’s what they do. They wait. 

*** 

Luke never thought this was were the night was heading when he called them all here for help. He was sitting on his couch with a blind and deaf Matt Murdock gripping his hand while he laid on Jessica freaking Jones. Who would glare at any of them if they tried to touch him without him initiating the contact.  

The look screamed If you touch a hair on his head you’ll wake up without a spleen which was weird accompanied by how soft she was being with him. She wasn’t soft with anyone. But Luke knows that Matt reminds her of her brother, that’s why they got close so fast. It was the same thing with Malcom. 

Not that Luke blames her, Matt looked terrified and vulnerable before Jessica threw her arm around his shoulders. And then he had to go reaching his hand out like a lost puppy towards Luke, who couldn’t help but grab it and squeeze gently, just to show the man that he was there, that he would keep him safe.


And he will damn well keep him safe. Especially when he looks so terrifyingly innocent leaning against Jessica and nursing a cup of tea with his trembling fingers. Nothing like the raging devil they saw less then an hour ago. It’s insane how quickly he can change back and forth. 
 

Jessica shifts on the couch, raising her head from where it was laying on Matt’s to look into his face. As she moves, he tenses up, but then she traces something onto his arm and he sits up back to his full height, her arm falling from his back. She gets up, muttering about how she needed to use the bathroom. 

And then she grabs Luke’s arm and throws it over Matt, who didn’t react, like he knew it was coming. Luke was about to say something about that, but then Matt lays his head on his shoulder and relaxes into him the same way he did with Jessica. 

The PI raises her eyebrows and smirks, knowing that Luke won’t move now. He was still confused why she just passed the man over like a dog, but honestly he didn’t mind that much. And clearly, neither did Matt. This day just keeps getting weirder. 

Danny stares at them for a while, and Luke stares back at him. Then the kid gets up from his chair and goes to sit next to Matt, but Jessica emerges from the bathroom and glares at him, silently telling him that if he takes her spot she will not hesitate to kill him. 

“I wanted a turn” The blonde mumbles 

“A turn doing what?” Claire laughs, looking up from her book “Cuddling the sad vigilante?” 

Danny frowns “Well……ya”  

Jessica snorts, sitting back down on the couch and grabbing Matt’s arm. 

“Hey, no way, I just got him” Luke says, tightening his grip around the man’s shoulders and laying his chin on his head

“Too bad, it’s freezing in here and he’s warm”

She tugs on his arm and he scoots away from Luke, leaning in to Jessica’s held out arm as they take the same position they were in earlier. If he’s being honest with himself, Luke misses the lawyer as soon as he’s not cuddled against his side.

“I still think I should get a turn” Danny huffs, crossing his arms with a face equivalent to a pouty child 

“Well Jess is hogging him” Luke says “I only got like 4 minutes” 

“You guys are ridiculous” Claire states, rolling her eyes 

“Yes, they are” 

“Matt?” Luke kneels down in front of the man who just spoke “Can you hear us now?” 

“Have been able to for the past 2 minutes” he declares with a smirk 

“I hate you” Jessica says, but she doesn’t let go of him 

“So is today just pass the blind guy around?” Matt asks 

Luke actually feels guilty when he puts it like that, but it doesn’t last long because then the asshole is laughing. He peels away from Jess and sets his now cold mug of tea on the coffee table. 

“I can’t believe you guys were passing me back and forth like a dog” 

“Oh please, if you wanted it to stop, it would have” Claire says 

Matt turns his head in her direction 

“What makes you think I could do that?” He asks innocently 

Wow, the acts this man can put on are astounding. 

“Well you almost ripped my arm off” Danny points out 

“That one was on you” Jessica says “You should know to never grab a blind and deaf ninja without warning him first” 

“How was I supposed to know that?” 

“It’s ninja training 101” Matt says 

“Then we had different instructors” 

“Actually, we didn’t”  

“Okay, enough” Claire announces “Matt, are you hurt anywhere else?” 

The man in question ducks his head down like a kid being scolded 

“Uh, no” he tells the nurse eventually 


For once, Luke actually believes that. And Claire does too, because she doesn’t ask anymore questions, much to Matt’s obvious relief. 

“So why does that happen?” Danny asks, gesturing to his ears even though Matt can’t see it 

Something akin to fear flashes through his unseeing eyes, but it’s gone in less then a second. The look Jessica gives him tells Luke that she saw it too. 

“Why does what happen?” 

Playing dumb. Not a bad tactic. 

“The hearing loss thing” Danny clarifies, oblivious to their friend’s lying 

“Oh, um, I’m not really sure” Matt says “There was this incident with Frank Castle and I’m pretty sure my skull got cracked” 

“Sweet Christmas” Luke murmurs “What did he do?” 

“He uh shot me in the head” 

“What?!” Claire exclaims 

So clearly she didn’t know about that. 

“It’s fine” Matt assures (even though it’s not reassuring at all) “I had my helmet on, but it messed with my head a bit, and that’s the first time that it happened”

“And you didn’t think to tell us this because……?” Luke asks 

Jessica snorts, and dodges Matt’s hit to her arm 

“He’s an idiot” she says  

Matt sighs “Look, it only happened that one time until after…you know……Midland Circle” 

“But, why?” Danny asks again, clearly confused 

“After I got out of the building, I uh, woke up in the orphanage I grew up in, and my senses were shot to hell, it took me a long time to be able to move around like I used to” 

That was a whole lot of information in thirty seconds. First of all, he grew up in an orphanage?! Second of all, was there anyone helping him while he was like that? And lastly, why the hell did no one know about this besides, apparently, Jessica and Claire?  

“What the hell?” Luke says, because that’s all his mind can think to say 


“What?” Matt asks “It’s not a big deal” 

“You keep telling yourself that Murdock” Jessica mutters 

Matt lets out another long suffering sigh, running a hand through his hair 

“I don’t really want to talk about it” 

Danny opens his mouth to say something else, but Claire puts a hand up, effectively stopping whatever the blonde was about to say. Luke thinks she does that because of the scared look on Matt’s face. Similar to earlier when he couldn’t hear anything. 

“Okay, man” Luke says, clapping him on the shoulder 

Matt smiles in his direction “Thanks” 

Jessica roles her eyes at them, but Luke can tell that she’s trying to smile. 

“What time is it?” The lawyer asks after a second 

Claire glances at her watch “It’s one am” 

“I should probably go” Matt says, trying to stand up 

Jess grabs his arm and yanks him back down on the couch 

“Not a chance in hell devil boy, you’d pass out before you made it home” 

Matt frowns, opens his mouth, then closes it again, leaning against the couch like before. 

“Fine……are you guys staying?” 


Danny shrugs “Sure” 

The PI doesn’t say anything, but Luke knows that means yes. Huh. The defenders are having a sleep over. 

“Good, now all of you get some sleep” Claire says, already walking back to the bedroom 

Jessica has somehow already wrestled a blanket onto Matt and is shoving him to lay down on the couch, while Danny grabs a pillow and slides down to the floor. Leaving the dark haired woman to settle on the chair. Luke can’t help but smile. 

“Good night guys” 

Chapter Text

After all the shitty things that have happened in Matt Murdock’s life, this isn’t even in the top five, but that doesn’t mean it’s not a pain in the ass. He thought that after Fisk was in prison again, those hallucinations he was having would stop. But they haven’t. And it’s becoming very annoying to deal with. 

He knew he wasn’t schizophrenic or anything, it was probably just a result of the trauma or something, but he’s finding it increasingly harder to deal with. Every single morning without fail, the lovely voice of his long dead father would wake him up by telling him that Murdock’s don’t stay down, and he needed to get out of bed. 

He’s sure that Claire would protest that most mornings considering he should be on bed rest a lot more then he actually is (he barely gets into bed as it is, complete bed rest just isn’t an option) but his dad was loud and insistent. Emphasis on the loud part. 

Jack still wasn’t as loud as Fisk though, it was just a different kind of loud. Dad would yell at him in an almost gentle way, reminding him of things that Matt seems to forget a lot. Like cleaning his stitches, or replying to a phone call. But Fisk was loud in the way that Matt couldn’t tune out. 

The man would keep telling him about his past and current mistakes, and provoke him until Matt would have to go sit in a room alone until he could remember what was actually real and what was just his cruel imagination. The worst part is Fisk reminding him about the night he tried to kill himself, and he does that at least once a day. 

Stick is another fun person who would show up in his brain to criticize him. He would normally appear when Matt was out fighting as the devil, telling him he was going soft, he needed to keep his knees bent, he was a waste of a soldier. Things like that. 
  

Father Lantom would hover next to him during church or confession, saying that he had betrayed God, that he was unworthy of forgiveness because he got him killed. Matt didn’t disagree. But it still hurt hearing it from the mouth of a person he admired and trusted so much, even if it is fake.  

Every night, Elektra would sit by him on his bed, telling him that she blamed him for her death. She would alternate between being sickly sweet, and being straight up hostile, but either way it was torture. Which is why most nights after he gets home from his vigilante stuff, he paces around until she’s gone or he passes out on the couch. 

He was exhausted, hearing their voices trade off as if they took shifts, smelling them, sometimes even feeling them, as if they were really there. That’s why it’s been getting harder for him to deal with this recently; it’s starting to become more difficult telling what’s actually real. 

Obviously, Matt knows that all these people that have been hanging around in his head are dead or locked away, but for the last two weeks, it’s just felt so real. There are a lot of times where he has to literally pinch himself to bring his mind back to reality. Especially when it’s Fisk.

After last night when he didn’t sleep at all due to Elektra yelling at him for his mistakes, he stumbled into the office at four in the morning and hasn’t left since. Even when Foggy and Karen came in at separate times to say good morning and see how he was doing and why the hell he was there before them.

Matt was a really good lawyer, so he knew how to avoid their questions with minimal effort, and kick them out of his office without being rude. Which is exactly what he did. Since then, he hasn’t stepped foot outside the door that’s 20 feet in front of him, and neither of his friends have bothered him. 

That was good, considering Fisk has been talking in his ear all day long about how much of a failure he is, and how he doesn’t deserve this new life he’s built for himself. 

I’m locked away, and here you are, playing lawyer.  

“That’s because you’re a murder” Matt retorts  

He’s found that if he actively talks back, they go away faster. That’s another reason why he’s stayed locked up in this room all day. 

And what are you Mr. Murdock? What about all the blood on your hands? I may have been holding the gun but so many people are dead because you made me pull the trigger. 

“That’s not true!” Matt yells, slamming his hands on his desk so hard it hurts 

The pain helps bring him back to reality. Fisk isn’t actually here. He can’t hurt anyone anymore. Those things he’s hearing aren’t real. 

“Matt?” 

His his head snaps up at Karen’s voice. He hadn’t heard her coming.  

You have to pay attention Matty, if this was someone else, you could’ve been dead now. 

The voice of his old mentor is cold, but it’s in the background of his mind as Foggy and Karen’s panicked heartbeats reach his ears. 

“Sorry” he mutters, straightening his tie with trembling fingers 

“What happened? Are you okay?” Foggy asks 

“I’m fine” 

Lying is a sin, Matthew, and you’ve been doing too much of that already. 

Matt ignores the voice of the dead priest behind him, trying his hardest not to let the words get to him. 

“You sure? You’re shaking, Matt……and bleeding” Karen says, grabbing onto his hand gently 
 

So that’s why his left hand hasn’t  stopped stinging. Now that he concentrates, he can taste the copper in the air. 

Get your head in the game kid. Fix your hand, and pull yourself together. Don’t let them see how weak you are. 

Stick was an asshole, but he wasn’t wrong. They don’t need to see him like this.

“It’s okay, I can handle it, you guys should get back to work” he says, pulling his hand away from Karen 

“Just let me grab you a bandage” Foggy offers  


This is what I meant by soft stuff Matty. 

Matt wants to scream at the voice of Stick, but he doesn’t. He has more self control then that. 

“I’m fine Fogs” he tries again “It’s barely even a cut” 

“Well you don’t get to be the judge of that considering you can’t see it pal” Foggy says 

He laughs a bit “I can feel it just fine though, and it’s not even deep” 

Lying again Matthew? Perhaps you’re not as good of a person as I believed you to be. 

He isn’t a good person. For some reason, Father Lantom thought he was. But this isn’t Father Lantom. 

“Can you guys go now, please?” He asks 

From the brush of hair against cotton, and the sound of muscles shifting, he assumes Foggy and Karen look at each other. But they do leave. 

Good. It’s what he asked them to do. It’s what he wanted. 

*** 

After the whole thing at the office, and with all the voices getting more persistent and loud, Matt decides that just the gym isn’t going to cut it tonight. He needs to feel alive again, and going out in that mask is the only way he gets that right now. 

Perched on his rooftop, he listens intently to the sounds of the city, trained ears focusing in on things that he might need to help with. Nothing particularly interesting comes up except for the fact that Mrs. Johnson on the third floor is cheating on her husband again. With Emma Peterson, who lives on the sixth floor. 


Eventually things do pick up when he hears someone scream for help and he ends up stopping a robbery, attempted rape, arson, and attempted murder all in the span of an hour and a half. He was in a rough part of the neighborhood. Even for Hell’s Kitchen. 

Just as he’s about to call it in a night with three bruised ribs, two popped stitches, and what might be a mild concussion, he hears another scream. The adrenaline kicks in and he runs across the rooftops to get to who he heard. There are four heartbeats. 

Three of them are adults, men, armed with guns and knives. And the other one is fast and scared. It’s a girl, and she’s young, way too young. One of the guys has a hand wrapped around her throat, holding her against the wall, and the other two have their guns pointed at her. 

There’s a cut on her head that’s bleeding fast, and that’s what reminds Matt to actually jump into action. So that’s exactly what he does. 

*** 

Foggy was beyond worried about Matt. He’s been isolating himself again; hiding injuries, shutting them out, barely even talking to them as of recent. And it’s scaring the hell out of him. Last time he did this was when Elektra was back in town and was forcing him to play ninja spies with her. 

But as far as Foggy knows, she’s long dead. Buried under the rubble of Midland Circle like they thought Matt was. So why the hell has he been being so weird lately? It was going so well for a while there. The three of them, working together and hanging out and being friends like how it’s supposed to be. 

It was roughly two in the morning and he was pacing back and forth like a madman trying to figure out what the hell is going on to make his best friend like this again. Jesus, he was hoping these days were behind him. Life of a vigilantes best friend he supposed. At least this time, he had someone else to share his worries with. Maybe he should call Karen. 

Grabbing his phone from off the bedside table quietly, he dials her number and waits as it rings a few times. 

“Foggy?” Karen’s tired voice says from over the line 

“Hey, sorry to be calling this late, I just…” 

“You’re worried about Matt” 

“Very much” 

“Ya, me too, I thought he was done with all this lying shit” 

Foggy agrees with her, but it’s something more then that. He’s walling himself off from them, yes, but it’s different from before. It’s like he’s scared of something. Hurting them? Driving them away? 

“It feels different this time Kare” 

“What do you mean?” 

“I don’t know……something’s wrong with him though, that’s for sure” 

“Do you think he’s still out as you know who right now?” Karen asks 

Foggy takes a quick glance at his watch “Probably, why?” 

“I was thinking we could just wait for him at his apartment” 

“Ya, cause I’m sure he’ll love that” 

“I don’t really care anymore Foggy, we’re both worried about him so let’s just get to the bottom of it” 

He has a feeling he might regret this. 

“Fine, I’ll meet you at his place” 

*** 


It all happened so fast. One second Matt was crouched on a rooftop about to pounce on the nearest guy to him, and now here he is, holding a dying child in his arms with half dead scumbags scattered around them in the alley. The girl’s heartbeat was fading fast, and he had no idea what to do.  

At some point when he was fighting those guys off, a gun shot left his ears ringing and the overwhelming scent of blood filled his senses so fast he wanted to vomit.

After that, the devil took over and he barely had enough self control to stop in time before the guy underneath his cracked knuckles died. They were all left alive, but the girl isn’t gonna be so lucky. 

“H-Help me” she whimpers 

Tears fill his eyes behind the mask and his heart feels like it broke right in two. He pushes her bloody hair out of her face, using his other hand to keep pressure on the wound even though he knows it’s too late. 

“I’m sorry” he tells her “I’m so sorry” 

Her breathing hitches, blood filling her lungs. 

“No no no no” he whispers “I’m sorry” 

But she doesn’t respond. Her heartbeat stops……and the devil breaks. 

*** 

Foggy opens the door to Matt’s apartment and goes over to Karen who’s sitting on the couch, tapping her foot nervously. 

“Hey” he greets, pulling her into a hug when she stands up “I’m guessing he’s not home yet” 

She shakes her head no as they sit back down. 

“What do you think is happening with him?” She asks 

“I’m not sure” he shrugs helplessly “But it can’t be anything good, I mean this is Matt after all” 

Karen laughs softly “Ya, that’s true”  
 

“Let’s go to his room, I don’t think he’d like us seeing him right as he gets home” 

“Okay” 

Now all they have to do is play the waiting game.

*** 

Matt sobs over her body for so long that his throat hurts afterwards and he’s dizzy from dehydration. But he gets back up, because he has to. His building isn’t far from where it happened so luckily his shaky legs only have to run a few blocks until he’s on the rooftop of his building again.  

By some miracle he makes it down the steps and into his living room without passing out. Probably because the adrenaline coursing through his veins is still there, if only barely. He rips the black mask off his face, then his gloves, and slams them on his table. 

His hands find the blood staining his gloves without meaning to and he screams. Or cries. He’s not sure at this point. 

I told you, the blood on your hands is just as bad as the blood on mine. 

“No it’s not Fisk! She didn’t die because of me” 

Oh, but didn’t she? It was your darkness that killed her Matthew. 

“N-No, it wasn’t my fault Elektra” 


Either way, she’s dead. The girl is in Gods hands now. 

“But she shouldn’t have died Father” 

People die in wars, kid. If it isn’t you, it’s the guy next to you. 

“This isn’t a war Stick!”  

It’s okay Matty, just ignore them. 

“And what about you dad? You’re not real either, so shouldn’t I ignore you too?” 

None of them answer. 

“Oh now you’re all quiet? Say something you assholes!” He yells at nothing 

Again he’s met with silence. Nothing but the sound of his pounding heart reaches his ears. 

“Is this a punishment?” He whispers up to God “Is this what I deserve?” 

Matt doesn’t expect an answer, but a part of him still aches when he doesn’t get one. An ache so deep and familiar it feels like a part of him. An ache that still hurts no matter how long he’s felt it. 

He kneels down on the floor, simply because he can’t find the strength to hold himself up anymore. And he cries.

***

Karen knew something was seriously wrong the moment she heard Matt stumble through the door and barely make it down the stairs without falling. She was so ready to go and help him but Foggy stopped her, pointing at Matt as if to say just watch, we might get answers. 

So she watches. She watches him scream so loud it sounds more like a sob. She watches him yell at people who aren’t here, who aren’t even alive. She watches him ask God questions so brokenly it made her wanna cry. And then she watches him crumple to his knees and cry like a man who had every piece of his soul ripped out of him. 

At that point there were tears streaming down her face and she doesn’t care about what Foggy said. She can’t watch this anymore. So she runs forward out of his room to where he was sobbing on the floor by his kitchen table. 

“Oh Matt……” she whispers, kneeling down next to him 

His head turns in her direction  

“K-Karen? Are you real?” He asks 


He reaches his hand out towards her and she grabs it out of instinct. 

“Ya, Matt, I’m real” she answers 

Karen has no idea what he’s talking about, but the first priority is to calm him down. 

“What a-about Foggy? Is h-he real?” 


Foggy is now crying as well, and he quickly joins them on the floor when he hears how shaken his best friend is. 

“I’m here buddy” he says softly, grabbing Matt’s shoulder reassuringly “We’re right here” 

Karen now deems it safe enough to hug him, so she does. She grabs onto him so tightly it probably hurts. 

“I keep h-hearing them” he cries into her shoulder “I-I thought t-they would go away a-after, but they d-didn’t” 

“Who do you keep hearing Matty?” Foggy asks 

“All of t-them” he answers “Fisk, Stick, Dad, Elektra, even Father L-Lantom” 

Karen just strokes his hair, sharing a concerned look with Foggy. 

“They’re just so loud Karen, and I-I can’t make it stop” 


“Shhh it’s okay Matt, it’s okay” she whispers comfortingly 

“When did you start……hearing them?” Foggy inquires 


“At the church” Matt mutters quietly

He was leaning against her heavily, clearly exhausted from everything. She doesn’t blame him. 


“Matt, why didn’t you tell us?” Karen asks quietly 

“Didn’t wanna worry you guys” he says, words slurred a bit from what she assumes is exhaustion 

“Then why are telling us now?” Foggy asks him 

“Cause they’re so loud, and s-she died Fogs” 

“Who died?” 

“The girl” he answers, voice strained “I couldn’t s-save her”

“What happened?” 

“I-I was too late, she died in my arms. And she was so young, too young. Why did she h-have to die?” 

Karen assumes that this girl died tonight while he was out as Daredevil, which would explain the blood on his clothes. Jesus, he just held someone in his arms as they died? No wonder he was breaking now. Anyone would, even without hallucinating all your dead friends on top of that. 

She looks over at Foggy’s terrified, exasperated face and knows he’s thinking the same thing she is. How has he held it together for this long? And more importantly, why didn’t they notice anything until now? 

“It’s not your fault Matt” Foggy says “You did everything you could” 

“But she still died” he mumbles from where his face is now buried into her neck 

“I know, but it’s not your fault, despite what……those people you’re hearing tell you” she tells him “Okay, Matt? It’s not your fault”  

He nods weakly, probably not quite believing it, but he’s also pretty much falling asleep against her so she can convince him later. 

“Let’s get you to bed” she whispers into his hair 

With Foggy’s help, they manage to get Matt into bed with little protest from him, which is truly surprising. Poor guy really is tired. As they’re about to leave, he grabs onto Foggy’s arm, looking in their direction with his sad, unseeing eyes that are lined with tears. 

So Foggy sits next to him, and he scoots over to make room for Karen. She smiles sadly, and sits down on the soft bed, so that Matt is sandwiched between them. Karen runs her hand through his hair as he grabs onto Foggy’s hand, and he falls asleep within minutes. 

They stay there, both way too scared to move once he’s out. Not that they’d want to leave anyway. 

*** 

For the first time in over a month, Matt doesn’t wake up to the sound of his Father’s voice. Instead the first thing he hears in the morning is the soft sound of Foggy and Karen’s breathing, and their familiar heartbeats. 

He falls right back asleep. 

Chapter Text

They had just finished up a pretty difficult case and obviously the first thing that Foggy wanted to do was go get drinks. Not that Matt or Karen were disagreeing with him, it had been one hell of a week.

From gang shootouts to being kidnapped (His friends were thoroughly pissed about that but he assured them that he was fine and there wasn’t even torture involved) but they had just won a hell of a case, so it was time to celebrate.

Obviously they went to Josie’s, because they couldn’t betray her by going to another bar even though there was a pretty nice one not far from their new office. Plus, it was familiar, and nice in a way that only Josie’s can be.

They got free drinks most of the time, and Josie may act like she doesn’t like them, but Matt knows she’s fighting a smile every time they walk through the doors.  

So here he is, sitting at the bar with his two best friends, three hours after the case was won. Matt was tipsy, bordering on drunk, because honestly he feels like he earned it. He’s not so sure about the other two, but with the way they’re laughing he assumes it’s a similar situation. 

“We should probably get home” he says

Foggy was laying his head down on the bar, which is so unsanitary it frankly disgusts Matt, and Karen was currently laying on his shoulder. 

“Noooo Matty, we need to keep drinking” Foggy slurs 


“Hey!” Karen exclaims, practically jumping out of her chair “We should go to Matt’s house! He has all the good booze” 


“Oooh ya that’s a good idea K” Foggy agrees, now getting up as well “Come on Matt, let’s go” 

Honestly as long as he can get into some more comfortable clothes, then he doesn’t care where they go. 

“Okay” he says  

He follows them out the door, hand around Foggy’s elbow because he’s drunk and he doesn’t think his senses are working properly at the moment. They walk back to his place because it’s only a block from Josie’s and before he knows it, he’s stumbling through his door.   

Matt goes into his room and changes into sweats and a more comfortable shirt as Foggy and Karen grab the whiskey from his kitchen and settle onto the couch. He joins them in his living room after grabbing three glasses so they don’t have to pass the bottle back and forth. 

He’s not sure how much times passes, just knows that it’s been long enough that his his body is warm from the alcohol and his mind is fuzzy and far away from him. This particular state of mind isn’t his favorite to be in, especially because it makes him let his guard down. And he’s learned the hard way to never let your guard down, no matter what. 

But the whiskey is sitting heavily in his stomach and the sound of his friend’s laughter is enough to make him forget about that rule, if only just for one night. Maybe that makes him an idiot, maybe that makes him smart, but either way it’s not really in his control now.

He’s just gonna relax, and see where it goes. 

***

Matt Murdock is gone, dead to the world after pretending to be someone he wasn’t for too damn long. Daredevil is gone as well, buried under the rubble of that retched building; alongside the love of his life, who made him feel alive in all the wrong ways. 

There wasn't even anything in between those two identities, there was simply nothing left. Nothing except all the memories and scars of a man who is dead now. A man who died long before his friends left him and that building crushed what was left. 

Whoever is left is on his knees in the mask that represents something that dead man used to believe in. He whispers one last prayer, because that part of him was drilled into his mind so hard even the fractured shell of who he is now remembers to do so. 

He can feel the swish of air, his body ready for the hits to come. For his relief to finally come. But they never do. Sirens leave his ears ringing, and he wanders back to the church before crying himself to sleep. 

*** 

Matt jerks awake with a gasp, his world on fire blinking in and out as the fog in his head clears and his senses come into focus. His heart was beating too fast. His breathing was labored. He was sweating, and shaking, and he felt like puking but it has nothing to do with the fact that he’s still kind of drunk.  

The dream, no, the memory, keeps replaying in his head. Over and over again. A constant loop. It’s been a few weeks since he’s dreamt about that night, and he was hoping it wouldn’t happen again. He should’ve known better. 

“Matt?” 

He turns in the direction of his best friend’s worried voice, and the sound of two panicked heartbeats. 

“Foggy?” He asks 

“Are you alright? I think you were having a nightmare” 

Matt shuts his eyes for a moment, taking a calming breath so that his whole body will stop trembling. It doesn’t. 

“I-I’m okay Fogs” he responds  

Damn it, why did he let his guard down! Why did he fall asleep when he knew they were here?! He never should’ve broken his own rule. 

“Matt, you were mumbling in your sleep” Karen says 

“Sorry, I just…I guess it was a really bad dream” 

“Ya, we already established that buddy” Foggy laughs lightly “We're just confused on what you were dreaming about” 

Why the hell does it matter?

“I don’t really, uh, remember”

Karen snorts “That’s bullshit”

“It doesn’t matter, alright?!” He snaps, standing up on shaky legs to get to their height 

This is his fault, he shouldn’t have let them see him like this. So exposed, so vulnerable. So…weak. 

“Jesus Matt, we just wanna help” Foggy says

“Well I don’t want your help now!” He yells 


It goes dead silent for a minute. Or maybe ten. He’s not sure. 

“What do you mean now?” Karen asks, her voice softer then before 

“Look, I tried to stop, remember? Before? But I couldn’t, and I swear to god I tried” he says

“Matt, what are you talking about?” Foggy questions 

But Matt doesn’t hear him, at least not really. The words are coming out now, and he can’t seem to stop them. 

“I-I really tried, okay? I did, but-but she was back, and I had to help” 

They're staring at him, he knows they are. He doesn’t care. 

“I put Daredevil away, for you guys, even though I could hear th-the screams, and the sirens, and the cries for help, because I-I wanted to be enough for you, but that still wasn’t enough, was it? So after everything, I decided that you were right Karen, Matt Murdock was the problem” 

“What? Matt–” 

“So I put him away too, but that just made you guys even more upset with me, and I don’t blame you for that, but it hurt. It still hurts. I had nothing left, and honestly I was just so tired, I wanted it to be over, you know? I just wanted to be done” 

“Okay, slow down–” 

“So I handed him the crowbar, and I asked God for forgiveness, because suicide is a sin–”

“Matt!” 

He flinches. The words stop spilling out his mouth. He isn’t sure if he’s grateful for that or not.  

“I’m sorry” he says “I just……I wanted it to stop…I wanted to be done” 

The smell of salt hits him and he realizes that he’s not the only one crying. Although he’s not entirely sure why his friends are crying along with him. This was his problem, not theirs. That’s why he never mentioned it. 

“Matt, you…you tried to kill yourself?” Foggy asks, voice trembling 

“I–no, I don’t…I mean……ya-ya I…I did” 

He’s about to make some excuse, tell them it’s not a big deal, tell them not to worry. But then Karen’s arms are around him, followed soon by Foggy’s. 

“I didn’t know it was that bad” Karen whispers “I’m so so sorry Matt” 

“It’s fine, it’s, it’s in the past” he says, trying to pull away from them 

They keep their grips tight though, not letting him leave their embrace. He was honestly too tired to fight them. 

“That’s doesn’t make it fine man” Foggy tells him “We should’ve noticed how..sad you were” 

“I wasn’t…sad..I was just……tired” 

“That isn’t any better” Karen says “I knew something was wrong, but, I guess I was just so angry that I didn’t even realize how awful everything must’ve been for you” 

But that’s the thing, it isn’t their job to realize that! He was awful to them, and they had every right to be angry with him. In fact, they still do. He’s not a good friend, and he doesn’t deserve their sympathy. 


This time when he tries to pull away, he succeeds. And he stumbles backwards, trying to put as much distance in between himself and them as he can. 

“Stop, I’m…I’m fine” he says, but his voice breaks 
 

He isn’t even sure why. Maybe because he can feel them staring at him, in shock, in pity, in love, he doesn’t know. Maybe it’s because of the alcohol that’s still in his system. Maybe it’s because he’s simply exhausted and his emotions are catching up with him. 

“I–I’m fine” he repeats “I am” 

There are tears streaming down his face, and he hates that he can’t stop it. Hates that his friends have to see it. 

“No, Matt, I don’t think you are” Foggy says 

And Matt, well, he cries harder. Cause he can still remember the way he felt that night. How lost, how hopeless he was. He cries because he doesn’t feel that way anymore. He cries because his friends are here and they’re okay. They’re all okay. 

His legs are shaking, and he’s gonna fall, but he doesn’t. They catch him. 

“God Matt, we’re so sorry” Karen tells him softly “But we’re here now, okay? We’re right here with you” 

“I’m sorry” he sobs, burying his face into Foggy’s shoulder “I-I didn’t want you guys to find out” 

Karen pets at his hair “No, Matt, we’re glad you told us, we’re just…worried. But we’re glad you’re okay now. You are okay now, right?” 

He honestly wasn’t sure if he was okay. He hasn’t been sure about that in many years, but with them, he feels alright. He feels like maybe he can be happy. 

“Ya, I…I’m alright” he says eventually  


After that, the rest of the night is kind of a blur. He remembers small careful hands wiping away his tears, playing with his hair, rubbing his back. He remembers bigger, calloused hands guiding him to his bed and squeezing his shoulders and the back of his neck gently. 

It wasn’t overwhelming like he assumed it would be. It was actually kind of nice, having people take care of him, having people care about him. It makes all those feelings he felt that night so much easier to deal with.  

Maybe it was okay to break his own rule once in a while. Maybe it shouldn’t even be a rule he has at all, because he just let his guard down, and pain didn’t follow. Only comfort did. 

Chapter Text

Matt has always had a……complicated relationship with sleep. Even when he was a kid, he would stay up late, waiting for his dad so the man didn’t bleed out on their kitchen floor one night. And then after the car accident, it became a much bigger issue. He didn’t know how to control his senses. 
  

So when you hear and smell and feel everything, it is pretty much impossible to get to sleep. Plus, light is how people reset their internal clocks, and well…he can’t see light. So that’s also an issue. The nuns weren’t much of a help after his dad died; they had several children to care for after all. 
 

Mix in the fact that he works a full time job and is a full time vigilante, well, he doesn’t have much time for sleep. When he does manage to catch a few hours, it’s normally restless, his mind plagued by nightmares. Whether it’s about the accident, the orphanage, Stick, his dad, Elektra, Midland Circle, or even just the screams he hears at night. 

But the point is, he doesn’t even remember the last time he had a good nights sleep. It was only bound to come crashing down on him soon enough. 

 
***  


Foggy was restless. Exhausted, yes, but also extremely restless. He didn’t know why, but he just couldn’t seem to stop moving. Marci said it’s probably because he’s used to having a busier work life, and he’s inclined to agree with her. But it was more complicated then that. 

His normal life has been, well, normal now for about three months and his body hasn’t quite adjusted to that yet. He thinks that Matt and Karen are the same way. The tension in Karen’s shoulders that she never seems to let go of, the twitchiness of Matt’s hands as if he can’t quite figure out what to do with them. 

They were just all used to being on edge. That’s not what’s worrying him tonight though. Tonight, he can’t stop thinking about how Matt actually hasn’t stopped being on edge. Even more then the rest of them. He can’t. Not when he goes out every night and gets blood deep in the city’s darkest shit. 

So, Foggy’s question is, when does he relax? That’s actually a trick question, and one that he already knows for answer to. It’s never. Matt never relaxes. He never really has, not even in law school, or during their internship, before all the vigilante stuff. 

He decides that since it’s only 8 o'clock at night then Matt probably hasn’t gone out yet. So why not go over and see what he’s doing? It’s been a few days since they’ve actually hung out together outside of work. 

Foggy takes a cab to to his friend’s apartment and uses his spare key to go inside. It’s impossible to sneak up on the guy, so it’s not like he’d be surprising him or anything. 

But once he walks into the living room his eyes are drawn to the couch where Matt was apparently sleeping. Like, for real sleeping. He was curled up into that fetal position he does whenever he falls asleep (Foggy has several pictures of that, especially from their college days). 

Matt was still in his work clothes, meaning he just got home, even though Foggy and Karen left the office over two hours ago. Damn workaholic. The red tinted glasses were on the coffee table next his laptop and a pile of files in braille. 

Foggy had momentarily forgotten about his best friend’s weird sleep issues. He shared a room with the guy for years, he just got used to Matt being up at weird hours of the night and then taking little naps in the day. He said it had something to do with the fact that he had no light perception, but Foggy always knew it was more than that. 

Matt started to stir, and Foggy mentally cursed. He quickly grabbed the blanket from off the back of the couch and covered his friend with it. He relaxes again. Good, crisis averted. This man needs all the rest he can get. 

“Good night Matty” he whispers, tucking the blanket in tighter 

Foggy can hang out with Matt later. For now he’ll go home and sleep. And pray that his friend can stay asleep too. 

*** 

Claire just got off of a double shift, and she was ready to sleep for a week. So imagine her surprise when she comes home to see her boyfriend Luke standing over a passed out Matthew Murdock. Who didn’t appear to be bleeding out anywhere. That was good at least. 

“What….?” She asks quietly 

Luke shrugs helplessly “He told me he was coming over today to ask me about something, but he was asleep when I got home” 

“Oh Matt” she sighs, coming to stand by Luke 

“Should I wake him up?” The man asks 

Claire smacks his outstretched before she can stop herself. 

“No, you never wake up Matt if he’s sleeping” she tells him 

“What? Why?” Luke says, rubbing at his hand 

“Well for one, he’ll probably attack you” she answers, earning a little chuckle from her boyfriend “But also, chances are this is the only sleep he’ll get for the next 24 hours” 

Luke gets that concerned look on his face and stares down at Matt like a protective older brother. 

“I guess I never really thought about how he doesn’t have a break” 

“Ya, trust me, it’s hard to miss when he passes out pretty much every time you see him” 

The bulletproof man keeps looking at him, frowning sadly. Eventually he just sighs, and walks into their room to get changed. 

Claire sits down on the edge of the couch next to Matt, bringing her hand up to card through his hair softly. His head twitches, almost like he’s leaning into it, and then his eyes blink awake so slowly it doesn’t even look like him. 

“Hey you” she says quietly, aware that he’s still half asleep 

“Hi” he whispers back “I…I thought you were working til 7” 

This time she frowns at him “It’s 7:30 Matt” 
 

His eyes go wider, and he tries to sit up, but Luke is back and is carefully pushing him back down onto the couch. 

“Hey, man, just take it easy, go back to sleep” he says gently “You look like you need it” 
 

Matt falls back against the cushions again after a second, shaking his head a bit. 

“No-No..it’s fine……I’m fine”  


Luke stares at him disbelievingly, not that he can see it, and keeps a hand on his chest so he doesn’t try and get back up. 

“Just go back to sleep, it’s only 7:30 so you don’t have to be out for a while” he tells the lawyer 

Matt sighs, shaking his head still “No, I-I can hear the..the screams”  


“The screams?” Luke repeats 

“Ya……they…they’re louder then normal” 

“What do you mean?” Claire asks 

“I can’t tune it out”  

She supposes that’s fair. If she hears everything all the time it would be pretty tiring to try and sort through it all. And he can hear things like bones shifting, so the range of what he hears is probably crazy. 

“Why can’t you tune it out?” Luke asks 

Matt shrugs lazily “I don’t know, probably just tired” 

Claire places her hand on his forehead, checking for a fever, and he tiredly tries to pull away. 

“I’m fine Claire” 

He doesn’t have a fever, which is good, but he’s still clearly exhausted. Then again, when is he not? 

“Go back to sleep, Matt” Luke says again 

Matt is still protesting that, but Luke is persistent. And, eventually, he falls back asleep. 

Finally. He needs it. 
 

*** 

Maggie always loved walking around the church at night. It was dark, but in a peaceful way. The candles were lit so it gave the room just enough light so that she didn’t trip over every bench. All the children were asleep, so it was quiet. 

She carefully walks around one bench and nearly has a heart attack. 

“Matthew?” She whispers 

He was lying on a bench, curled up as he always is when sleeping, wearing some old gym clothes. 

“Wha……? Mom?” He slurs, blinking slowly as he wakes up 

She crouches down by him, placing her hand on his arm lightly “What are you doing here Matthew? Are you alright?” 

He blinks harder, his unseeing eyes lighting up a bit as he takes in is his surroundings. 

“Ya, I’m fine” he says “What..what time is it?” 


Maggie glances over at the clock on the wall, squinting so she can see in the dim light. 

“It’s 9 o'clock” she answers 

He tilts his head curiously (so much like Jack it kind of hurt) and rubs at his eyes. He looks like a child woken up from a nap. She supposes that’s not that far off. He is a child, her child, and he was just woken up from a nap.   


She grabs his face gently, getting his attention when she notices that he’s drifting off again. 

“What are you doing here?” She asks again 

He opens his eyes back up, his gaze somewhere near her shoulder. 

“Just wanted to hear your voice” he murmurs quietly 

Her heart swells up and she runs her thumb along his cheek. It only makes him more relaxed, and his eyes are closing again. 

“Stay awake for me sweetheart” she says “We should get you home, where you can sleep in your bed” 

“No……I don’t…I don’t……”  

“You don’t want to be alone?” She finishes for him 

He nods weakly “It’s just the…the nightmares are……really bad right now” 

Maggie frowns, swiping a lock of hair off his forehead gently. 

“Would you like to stay here tonight?” She asks 

Another timid nod. 

She helps him sit up slowly, and wraps her small arm around his back, guiding him down to the basement where the bed was. 

His eyes close as soon as he lays down. 

*** 

Danny’s feet were numb as he stood back up, stretching his now relaxed limbs slowly. Colleen did the same beside him as they were pulled from their meditation. He looked across the room to see Matt, who was meditating with them, still had his eyes closed.

And he was now laying in a curled up position on the sweaty mats of the dojo. He was asleep. Danny looked to Colleen, who was watching the sleeping man with a sad look on her face. 

“Do you think he’s okay?” Danny asks, inching towards him quietly 

Colleen followed him, “I don’t think he’s injured, if that’s what you mean” 

That isn't exactly all of what he meant, but she was right, he didn’t appear to be injured. Unless it was internal. Which in that case, they would probably have to call Claire. 

“Do we still have those blankets in the cupboard?” He asks 

His friend nods, kneeling down in front of Matt without keeping her eyes off of his face. She looked like a worried mother. 
Danny went and grabbed the old, slightly dusty, blanket from the cupboard near the back of the room. 

He carefully set it atop the man, who didn’t do anything beyond curl into it, his hands gripping the material tightly. Matt looked strangely innocent like this. Which is freaky considering how brutal of a fighter he is. 

“You think he’s sick?” Colleen asks 

He shakes his head “No, I think he’s just tired” 


Danny knows the dark circles under his eyes aren’t bruises, and they keep getting darker every time he sees him. He’s honestly worried. Colleen is too. 

“When does he sleep anyway? Doesn’t he have a day job?” She asks, still keeping her eyes locked on the sleeping man 

“Ya, he does” Danny answers “I have no idea when he normally sleeps. Or if he even does. Do you think he does?”  

Before Colleen could answer, Matt shifted a little bit. His fingers twitched from where he was keeping his tight grip on the blanket, and his head turned to the side just an inch.

“He’s waking up!” Danny says “What do we do?”

Colleen looks just as panicked as him for a moment, then she just reaches out and covers Matt’s ear with her hand carefully. The man stills under her touch, his body relaxing again after a tense moment. 

Danny gives her a questioning look. 

“I read somewhere that if you cover a baby’s eyes while it’s still light outside you can trick them into going back to sleep” she says 

“But he’s blind” 

“Exactly, that’s why I covered his ear” 

Huh. Well, it seems to have worked. Matt was back to being dead asleep. 

*** 
 

Doing paperwork at midnight in a practically pitch black office wasn’t exactly Karen’s idea of fun, but alas, here she was. Foggy had left around two hours ago, but her and Matt still had stuff to do. Apparently their resident vigilante has been put on bed rest by Claire. 

She said something about cracked ribs and a concussion. Of course, Matt doesn’t do bed rest, so he still came to work today. But at least it seems like he isn’t going out tonight. So there’s something at least.  

To give herself a little break, she decides to go check on her friend, who hasn’t left his office in over an hour. She opens the door quietly and peeks her head in. 

“Matt?” She calls softly 


No answer. That’s weird. She steps fully into the room and flicks on the lights. 

He was slumped over on his desk, his head on his arm and his glasses discarded somewhere underneath all the papers. 

“Oh Matt” she mumbles 

She tiptoes over to him and puts her hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently. 

“Hey” she whispers 

He jerks awake, his hands scrambling to find the source of what woke him up. She narrowly avoids a panicked hand hitting her nose, and steps back. 

“Karen?” He asks, tilting his head and reaching his hands out towards her

“Ya, it’s just me” she responds 


Matt grabs onto her arms, as if to make sure she was really there, and she grabs his in return. 

“Are you okay?” She asks, eyeing him carefully  


He doesn’t answer her question, just goes forward and hugs her. She’s startled for a moment as he buries his face in neck, but it only takes a second before she’s wrapping him up in her arms. 

“Hey” she laughs “What’s going on?” 

“S-Sorry, I just had a bad dream” 

She rubs his back slowly, frowning, “Do you wanna talk about it?” 

Matt pulls back, and shakes his head. 

“No, I’m okay, I just……” he stops, sighs, “Thanks for waking me up, I needed to get back to work” 

He goes to turn around, but she grabs his shoulder again, turning him to face her again. 

“Matt, you should go home, you aren’t looking too good” Karen tells him “Have you been sleeping okay?” 

“I…ya” he says 
 

“Okay that was just a straight lie. Let me rephrase: why haven’t you been sleeping well?” 

He laughs humorously “You just saw why” 

“I understand that, but you still need to sleep” she scolds  


“I-I do, Karen” 

Another lie. Okay, well, she’s taking it into her own hands. 

“Alright, let’s go” she says, grabbing his hand and pulling him towards the door 

He rips his hand out of her grasp “I’m fine, okay? I promise, i’ll go home right now and sleep if that will make you feel better” 

Karen sighs “Okay fine, go” 

Matt gives her a little smile, and leaves. She hopes that he’ll actually get some rest. 

*** 


Jessica looks up from the file she’s reading, blinking hard so that her vision will stop going blurry. God, she needed a drink. But she has a case to finish and Matt will probably not want her to drink all of his booze in one night. 

She looks up to check on the lawyer, who kindly accepted her into his apartment after she came banging on his door in the middle of the night with a frustrating case. He’s asleep. Interesting. She honestly didn’t think he did that. 

He always looked like he needed it, but she had a pretty solid theory that he didn’t. Which, to be fair, it’s not like she does either. But he has a day job, so he needs to be somewhat coherent during the day, unlike her. 

Matt was on the couch with his laptop that looked like it was about to fall, and his eyes were closed while his head was back against the cushions. She stands up from her position on the floor with a sigh, stepping forward to grab his computer before it falls. 

He doesn’t wake up, which is honestly what she was expecting him to do, but he does slide down further until he’s laying down properly. She shakes her head fondly, setting his laptop on the coffee table. 

She goes back to work, her eyes skimming the files and pictures over and over again hoping to find something. Just as she’s about to say screw it and get a drink, Matt was jumping off the couch, suddenly very alert. 

“Jesus, Murdock” she says “You good?”

“The-The screams, s-someone was screaming” he stutters 

Oh ya, his freaky bat hearing. She almost forgot about that for a second. 

“It’s probably fine” Jessica tries to reassure him “People yell all the time in New York” 

“No, s-she was scared Jess, I-I have to help–” he starts, scrambling towards the door despite being in pajamas 

She quickly goes forward to block his path, grabbing his shoulders as gently as possible for someone with her strength. 

“Woah, okay, calm down Matt, take a breath” 

He pushes against her arms with none of his usual fierceness. She thinks he’s going for a stubborn look but in reality he just looks exhausted, and desperate, and honestly pathetically sad. 

“Jess, let me go” he growls 

Well at least he can still summon the voice of the devil. Even if it was a tad less intimidating than usual. 

“No” she says, pushing him back towards the couch “I still need your help and you look like you’re two seconds away from collapsing” 

“I’m fine” he sighs 

“Bullshit, you’d fall over right now if I let go” 

Matt sighs tiredly. Too tiredly. Like all the fight just left his body. 

“This why you haven’t been sleeping?” She asks 

He rubs a hand down his face, allowing her to push him down onto the couch. 

“Ya-Ya that’s..part of it” 

“Let me guess, nightmares, insomnia, and flashbacks?” 

His face twists “I don’t have PTSD”  

She rolls her eyes, and almost scoffs. Almost. 

“Look, I speak from experience, and trust me, yes you do” 

He opens his mouth to say something else but she cuts him off 

“That’s not what we’re talking about though” she says “You need to sleep eventually” 

She also says that from experience. Lots and lots of experience. The amount of nights she’s spent working or drinking (or both) just so she doesn’t have to close her eyes. Just so she doesn’t have to see him. 

And she knows that there are things that Matt hears and maybe even sees when he closes his eyes too. Memories of things that refuse to be pushed down. That refuses to be forgotten no matter how hard you try. 

“I know” Matt says “But I-I try, I promise, I just……I don’t know, I can’t” 

“Ya, I know you do Murdock” she sighs, sitting down next to him on the couch “You gotta find a way to make it work” 

“Oh is that all?” He remarks sarcastically 

“I get it’s not that easy Matt, but if you keep going like this you won’t be able to help anyone” 

He sighs that sigh again, leaning his head in his hands for a minute. She just watches. Waits for him to process. 

“You were right, earlier, it is……everything” 

Jessica nods “It fucking sucks” 

“Ya it does” Matt laughs 

She smirks, and then shoves his shoulder lightly. 

“Now go to bed, I’ll finish the case” 

“You sure?” 

“I’m sure, go to sleep dumbass” 

He laughs again, laying down on the couch. He’s out within a few minutes. 

*** 


Matt was startled by a knock on his door right before he’s about to change and go out patrolling. He opens the door and is immediately shoved aside by Foggy, who is quickly followed by a number of people, too many to count as they stride in. 

“Come in, I guess” he says 

Once they have all filtered in, he realizes who all is there. Foggy, Karen, his mom, Claire, Luke, Danny, Jessica, and Colleen. 

“What’s going on?” Matt asks  

“A sleepover” Foggy tell him, his tone completely serious 

“A…sleepover?” He clarifies “What the hell?” 

“Blasphemy” his mom chides softly “And yes Matthew, we’re having a sleepover” 

“Uhm, why?” 

“So that you’ll actually sleep” Karen says “Come on, your room is big enough” 

She goes over and takes his arm, then suddenly Foggy is on his other side and they’re pushing him into his room. Everyone else trails after them without a word. 

“But–” he starts 

“Don’t worry, we called Castle and he said he’d cover for you” Luke says 

“He even promised not to murder anyone” Jessica adds 

Well, then at least the kitchen will be safe. But still, everything about what is happening just makes him feel weird. He’s not a child, he doesn’t need them to hold his hand as he goes to sleep. 


“Lie down” Danny suggests “We'll keep watch just in case” 

“And if you hear anything, just tell us and we’ll handle it, or Castle will” Colleen says 

If only it were that easy. How much easier would his life be if he could just lay down and sleep? Without all the screams and pain he hears? Without all the nightmares that leave him gasping for breath? 


“We'll wake you up if you have a nightmare” Karen tells him softly, seemingly reading his thoughts 

But it’s not that simple. It never really has been. Even if those things were suddenly gone, then what? No matter how much he hates to admit it, the stuff that he’s been through have taken their toll on him. Laying alone with his thoughts doesn’t exactly help with that.

“Just relax Matt, it’s okay” Claire says 

“Ya Matty, just take a deep breath and lay down” Foggy continues 

Matt wants to sleep. He’s exhausted, mentally and physically. It’s been years since he’s peacefully slept through the night. So long ago that he doesn’t even really remember it, he’s just sure that it happened. 

Jessica presses down on his shoulder gently, urging him to lean back until he’s laying down. Someone had apparently already moved his comforter aside so he could lay down, and now that same person is draping it back over him. 

He’s pretty sure it’s his mom, but he’s not totally certain. All of their scents are mixing together and he’s having a hard time tracking everyone and everything. He’s so tired. And it’s not like he’d be in any danger around any of them. 

At least, not any danger that they couldn’t get him out of. All of them were all very capable of defending themselves and him if need be. Matt just hates taking chances when it comes to the people he loves. 

“Matthew, you’re thinking too hard” his mom says, stroking the hair off of his forehead softly  

He’d be lying if he said he didn’t lean into it a bit. 

“Can’t help it” he retorts 


Luke laughs “You gotta try harder man” 

If only it was a lack of trying.  

“I know” he says 

He closes his eyes, not that it changes anything for him, and takes a deep breath. Tries to empty his mind, like he does when he’s about to meditate.  He can hear them all get comfortable around his room.

Foggy lays down next to him on the bed, Karen on the other side. Luke lays down on the floor with a few pillows and Claire lays on top of him. Danny sits up against his night stand with Colleen’s head in his lap. Jessica has apparently moved one of his chairs in here and she’s now lounging on that. 

His mom goes into his living room and straightens up in there a bit from when he was working. She grabs his glasses from the coffee table and brings them back to his room, setting them on the nightstand. 

He tries to open his mouth to thank her but he finds that he’s too tired. All the heartbeats and breathing in here were actually a bit……calming. He knew that everything would be okay. And he knew that Karen would wake him up if he did have a nightmare. 

Maggie leans down, trailing a hand over his head lightly and pressing a kiss to his forehead. 

“Good night Matthew” she whispers 

But he was already asleep. And he stays that way til morning.

Chapter Text

Matt hates being vulnerable. Hates being in a position where people can hurt him, mentally or physically. Maybe it’s because of the many different times where he did let his guard down and got hurt because of it. So obviously he tries to avoid it at all costs. 

With that being said, he is currently leaning on Jessica while he waits through another hearing loss episode. It was a dumb mistake, but it’s fine because he was with his friends. They now have all seen him like this a few times, and know what to do when it happens. 

He’s safe with them. He’s sure of it. 

*** 

Claire walks into Matt’s living room and immediately has to contain her smile. Luke had called her because apparently Matt had gotten hurt and lost his hearing again. It’s not like he actually needs her here, there isn’t anything she can do but help him wait it out.  

She thinks that it’s because she’s familiar to him. And he needs that when he’s stressed and not in control. Her theory is confirmed when he realizes that she’s there (by smell or heat signature maybe?) and immediately reaches out towards her. 


She kneels down in front front of where his head is pillowed in Colleen’s lap, pressing a brief kiss to his forehead as she grabs his hand. He sighs contently and closes his eyes as Colleen’s hand drifts through his hair soothingly. 

His feet were resting on Danny’s lap who appeared to be meditating. Luke was in the kitchen making food and Claire greets him with a quick kiss. 

“Hi” she says, taking in the smell of the pasta he was making 

“Hey” he replies “How’s Matt?” 

Claire shrugs “A few bruises, he’ll be fine once his hearing is back”   


“Good” Luke says 

Jessica comes out of the bathroom and starts yelling at Danny for something. Probably stealing her spot. They seem to come to a compromise because she ends up in the middle of Colleen and Danny with Matt laying on top of them.   

“How long has he been like this?” Claire asks, walking back over to the others 

“A sad deaf puppy?” Jessica says “About 30 minutes” 

Claire can’t help but laugh at her description “Alright, then he should be back to normal soon” 

Said deaf puppy looked to be falling asleep. That was probably a good thing, he definitely needed it.    

“So what even happened?” Claire asks as she sits down

“He was stupid” Jessica answers   

“Now Jessica” Maggie says, appearing out of seemingly nowhere “My son may be an idiot, but you guys do nothing to stop that behavior” 

Claire snorts “She’s right”  
 

Maggie sends her a smile and walks over to bend down over Matt. She lays her hand on his cheek and kisses his head. He leans into the contact briefly. 

“Let him know that I’ll be back tonight” she says as she heads for the door 

“Will do” Luke responds from the kitchen

“When will that food be ready?” Colleen whispers, fully aware of their half asleep friend in her lap 

“Should be about 3 minutes” he answers 

“Thank god, I’m starving” Jessica says 

Claire definitely agrees with her on that one. Hopefully Matt will stay in whatever meditative state he seems to be in currently, and they can eat before his hearing comes back. 

It shouldn’t be too long now. 

*** 

Foggy used to drop by unannounced to Matt’s place all the time. Especially the first few months after they stopped living together. And he’s never seen anything that weird before. 

Obviously there have been times where he’s bleeding out or in the middle of stitching himself up. And occasionally the DD suit will be lying about after a long night, but other then that there’s nothing too out of the ordinary.

So when he walks in with Karen to discuss their latest case he almost has a heart attack at the mar-rage of people casually lounging about in Matt’s apartment.

Foggy knew most of them, at least vaguely, but something about the entire situation felt so out of routine for someone like Matt. Matt Murdock who was currently curled up laying his head on Jessica Jones’s shoulder. 

Jessica Jones who is convicted of a crime at least once a week and is a total badass. And she isn’t the only one there. Luke Cage was cleaning up something in the kitchen with the help of Claire. 

Danny Rand was sitting on the couch next to Matt and Jessica eating what looked to be spaghetti, and his friend (Callie? Collie? Colleen! Ya, it’s Colleen) was stretching next to the coffee table. 

What the hell was going on? Why are all these people here? Did something happen? They don’t seem to be stressed at all. In fact, they all seem…rather calm. He wondered if Karen was just ask shocked as him. Probably.  

“Ummm, what?” Foggy finally says 

Five heads turn to stare at the two. Claire and Luke friendly concern, Danny and Colleen mildly wary, and Jessica just blank annoyance. She still managed to look murderous even with Matt practically asleep on her shoulder.  


“What are you guys..doing here?” Karen asks 

Danny wipes sauce from his chin and sets his bowl on the coffee table.

“Taking care of Matt” he says 


Jessica snorts “You’re so lucky he can’t hear you say that” 

“Why can’t he hear you say that?” Foggy asks, now panicking a little bit 

Matt’s sitting right there, of course he can hear them. Why wouldn’t he be able too? 

Luke leans up against the counter and stares at them for a moment. Actually, everyone stares at them for a moment. It’s kind of creepy. 

“You don’t know……?” Luke says 

“Know what?” Karen asks 

“Okay well that clearly means they don’t, do you think we should tell them?” Colleen mutters 

Tell them what? What the hell was going on? 

“I mean, Matt would probably say no” Danny points out 

“Oh he’d definitely say no” Claire butts in 

“Then it’s a good thing he’s not making the decision” Jessica says 

She turns to look at them, and Matt stirs a bit as she shifts, but doesn’t wake up. 

“He lost his hearing–” 

“He what?!” Foggy screams 

He doesn’t even care that he’s yelling, because apparently Matt can’t even hear him! 

“Will you let me finish?” Jessica snaps “Yes, he lost his hearing, but he’s fine it’ll come back in like…what time is it?” 

“11:30” Luke answers 

“Right, so it should come back very shortly, like 10 minutes tops”  


“How did this even happen?” Karen asks 

Good thing she jumped in cause Foggy doesn’t think his brain is working properly right now. 

“He got a concussion, he went out without telling anybody, and then he managed to get kicked in the head like seven times” Claire says “Or so I’ve been told” 

Danny shrugs “I’d say it’s more like five” 

“Really? What about the guy with the giant snake tattoo?” Luke argues 

“No, Matt kicked him in the head” Colleen says 

“I don’t think this is very important guys” Jessica mumbles 

“Why the hell are you guys so calm about this!” Foggy yells once he finds his voice again 

“Cause this is the third time it’s happened in the past two months” Claire answers 

“This has happened before?” Karen asks 

“Ya, like, kind of a lot” Danny says “He told us it started 2 years ago after something happened with Frank Castle” 

Foggy laughs “You’ll have to be more specific then that” 

“It was when he got shot in the head” Jessica tells them 

“When he what now?” Karen gasps 

“Oh ya, that was back when you still didn’t know” Foggy sighs “Don’t worry about it” 

“No, I’m definitely gonna worry about it” 

“Okay, enough” Claire says in her scary nurse voice “How about you guys just sit down and then we’ll tell you everything we know”  

Foggy takes a calming breath. He nods, and sits down in one of the chairs by the couch. Karen takes the other. In roughly five minutes they manage to lay out what happened, why it happens, and that it’s fine because they always help him through it. 

“And he actually lets you help him?” Karen asks once they’re done explaining 

“Not at first” Jessica answers “But yes, now he does” 

“In fact, he kind of counts on it” Luke says 

That might be the most surprising part of this all. It took a very long time for Foggy to be able to get Matt’s walls down, and even longer until he actually kept them down for more then three minutes at a time. 
 

“Really?” Foggy asks 

Although he doesn’t even need the assurance, the proof is right in front of him. Matt was laying on Danny’s shoulder now that Jessica had gotten a drink, and he seemed totally fine with that. 

He seemed almost happy, calm. Normally when he was sleeping he was still tensed and looked about ready to jump up and fight at any moment. But he wasn’t right now. That’s a miracle in it of itself. 

“Yes, really” Colleen responds  

Before Foggy can ask roughly a million follow up questions, Matt starts to wake up. He doesn’t gasp awake or anything, just opens his eyes and lifts his head from Danny’s shoulder slowly. The blonde puts a hand on his knee gently. 

“Can you hear me?” He asks carefully 

Matt nods, rubbing his eyes “Ya” 

Luke comes over with a glass of water and taps his hand with it. Matt tries to push it away. 

“No, uh uh, you’re drinking that” Claire orders  

Matt sighs, then takes the glass and sips it. He closes his eyes again for a moment but then they snap open and he turns his head in Foggy and Karen’s direction. 

“Foggy? Karen? What are you guys doing here?” 

“Well we were gonna work on a case but that backfired when we found out you were temporarily deaf”

“Oh, Fogs I’m sorry……” 

“It’s okay actually” Foggy cuts him off “Your friends explained it, and although I would’ve liked to know about it earlier…I get it” 

“Really? You’re not……mad? You don’t wanna–you don’t wanna leave?”

Foggy’s throat closes up as he tries to cry at the fear in Matt’s voice. Luckily Karen comes to his rescue again.

“What? No, Matt, we’re not gonna leave”  

“Oh” he sighs 

The others were staring at him like sadly, but this is something Foggy is used too. He’s very aware of how self deprecating his best friend is, and he actually knows how to handle this. Unlike before. 


He goes over and sits next to Matt on the couch, Jessica moving over to make room for him. Wow. These guys must really care for Matt. 

“Hey, we’re not mad” he says slowly, grabbing his friend’s shoulder “I promise Matty, we’re not gonna leave” 

“And for the record” Danny pipes up “We aren’t either, right guys?” 

Luke claps Matt on the back “Of course not man” 

“We wouldn’t dream of it” Colleen adds 

“If finding you in a dumpster didn’t keep me away, then nothing will” Claire says

Whatever the hell that means. Foggy will definitely need that story later when everyone else is gone. 

“You still got booze?” Jessica asks 

Matt laughs, and nods. 

“Then I’m definitely staying” she smirks 

Karen comes over and grabs his hands in hers “We’re all here Matt” 

Matt practically beams in response, but a yawn cuts him off. Jessica notices and stands up from the couch. 

“Go to bed idiot” she says “We’re all staying” 

Foggy definitely agrees with her and apparently Matt does too. He lies down fully on the couch without any protest, his eyes already slipping shut again. They all set themselves up around the living room, and get ready to sleep. 

When Foggy is sure that Matt is asleep, he whispers “Thank you” 

Claire turns to look at him, and smiles “Ya, well, somebody has gotta take care of him if he refuses to do it himself” 

Foggy couldn’t agree more. He’s happy that Matt has found them. He needs more people that care for him. 

And now he has them. 

Chapter Text

Matt is incredibly familiar with this graveyard by now. It’s been exactly four months and two and a half days since dad died, and he still comes here. He sneaks out of the church two nights a week every week to come feel the cold stone under his hands. 

He thinks that Sister Maggie knows that he does, but she hasn’t said anything so he won’t either. His nose hates when he comes here. He can smell all the bodies. Luckily his dad was cremated and this grave is just for show, or else Matt doesn’t think he’d be able to handle coming here. 

“Hey dad” he whispers into the freezing night  

His thin jacket wasn’t doing much in the form of protection against the wind. But it was all they had in the lost and found right now, so it will do.  


“I got a C on my last Science test, but it’s okay, Mrs. Feller said she’d let me retake it” Matt says as he sits down in the grass “I think she feels sorry for me” 

For some reason he always expects an answer. But he’ll never get one. A sob builds in his throat and he doesn’t bother trying to shove it down. It’s just him and dad here. 

“I’m alone dad, y-you left me alone” he cries 

Still no answer. Because his dad is gone, and he can’t come back no matter how many times Matt prays and screams for that to happen. No matter how many times he whispers it into that robe. His dad is gone. 

And he’s alone now. 

*** 


Stick’s grave is all the way across the city, because that’s the only place Matt could afford to put it. It’s not like he had anyone else to pay for it. Him and Elektra were the only people who even talked to the man, and Elektra died hating him. She lived hating him too. 

The tap of his cane isn’t a comforting sound right now. It’s the opposite actually, because it sounds just like the one that Stick had. Matt hasn’t been to his grave since the day they buried him. Which was three months after he died because everyone thought Matt was dead too. 

They buried him to an unmarked grave because the only person who will ever come here is Matt, and there’s no point in putting words in front a blind man. He can find his old mentor by the rancid smell anyway. 

Once he’s in front of the right one, he stops. He doesn’t know what to do now. He never got the chance to grieve Stick the way he did his dad, and even Elektra. There was just too much to deal with at the time. 

But now he’s standing in front of the man’s goddamn grave and it’s real. It’s suddenly very very real. He doesn’t want it to be real. Because if it is, then that’s another person he failed, another person who’s dead because of him. 


“Why’d you have to leave Stick? Huh?” Matt asks the empty stone “You could’ve fought back–you–you could’ve tried harder” 

He doesn’t know why he’s saying these things. He can’t even remember thinking them. 

“You were always telling me to try harder, but you were the one who gave up in the end, Stick, and that’s not fair” 

Matt can hear his own broken voice but it doesn’t matter. 

“It’s not fair how you made me need you and then you left again and again and again” he slams his cane into the grass “I hate you” 

“Do you?” 

Matt whips around and his cane is at the person’s throat before he even realizes what he’s doing. 

“Jess” he says once he smells the whiskey and leather “Sorry” 


“It’s fine” she responds, something like concern in her voice “Who you yelling at Murdock?” 

“I wasn’t–” he stops, breathes, “Stick. I was yelling at Stick. Why does it matter?” 

Leather creaks and hair brushes fabric as she shrugs. 

“Cause I’ve never seen you like you that” she answers “Stick was the crazy old dude that cut off his hand right?” 

Matt nods “Ya, that was him” 

Jessica hums “Well, if what you were saying earlier was any indication, then he was a shitty person” 

“He kinda was” Matt says “but he gave me a life when I had no one else, so I owe him” 

“Please, you don’t owe him shit” she scoffs “He helped you, whatever, I’m guessing he hurt you a lot more” 

“Well, no, he was just training me” 

Matt is positive that she’s raising her eyebrows. 

“He trained you?” She asks “When?” 

“Years ago” 

“How many years ago dumbass?” 

Matt closes his eyes and lifts his head up, almost as if he was asking God to get him out of this one. 

“I don’t know, I was 10 at the time”  

“You were a 10 year old blind orphan who was manipulated into being a child soldier by some old ninja, got it” 

“It’s not that simple Jessica” he sighs 

She scoffs “It’s sounds that simple to me Matt”  

“It doesn’t matter!” He snaps “Leave it alone” 

It's painfully quiet for a while. The only sound that fills his ears is his ragged breathing and elevated heart rate. 

She grabs his shoulder gently “He shouldn’t have done that to you” 

“I……I don’t know if-if I can hate him Jess” he whispers “I loved him when I was a kid, and I can’t just..change that”

“I know” she answers “That’s okay”

She grabs his hand and puts it on her elbow “Come on, let’s go get a drink”

He nods, and allows himself to be guided to the nearest bar.

***

Elektra’s grave was the second closest to his house, his dad’s being the first, and he still rarely visits. He likes to tell himself that it’s because he’s too busy, but he knows deep down it’s because he can’t handle it. 

But he needs to get it over with, so now he’s standing in front of the royally overpriced grave in the summer heat still in his work clothes. Foggy offered to go with him, but he declined.

His friend deserves better then what Matt can give him, and he’s not gonna drag him down even more. And besides, he was the only one who really knew Elektra in the end. He thought he did in the beginning too, but he’s not so sure anymore. 

“They uh, they never found you” he tells her “When I first woke up I believed that it was because you were still alive, that you got out somehow” 

He’s not sure if he still believes that or not. 

“I just don’t understand Elektra, why did you remember me? Did you actually love me, or did you just think you did? I know I loved you…even if we weren’t right for each other”

Matt pauses for a moment to breathe through the lump in his throat.

“I know we weren’t right together but god I loved you……I hated that I did, but it’s true–I loved you more then I should have”  


He barely makes it to the end of his sentence before a sob tries to escape his throat. A faint rustling sound catches his attention and he turns his head to listen more. Salt and perfume suffocate his senses as he realizes it’s Karen there. And she was crying. 

“Karen, what are you doing here? Are you alright?” 

To his surprise she laughs “Am I alright? Matt you were just crying to a headstone and you’re asking if I’m alright?” 

“Oh…you, uh, you heard all that?” 

She walks over and hugs him before he can react, much like that night three years ago when he was barely holding it together. 

“Ya, I heard it” she whispers “Elektra was the one in your bed?” 

Matt sighs, and nods into her shoulder “Ya, but I promise nothing was…happening between us then, she was injured, and–” 

She cuts him off by hugging him tighter, and that’s when he realizes he’s rambling. He shuts up. 
 

“I’m not mad at you Matt” she tells him “God that means she was the one on the rooftop too huh? The one who..who died?” 

The moment Karen says it Matt can feel the phantom weight of her body in his arms, her heartbeat fading so slowly it almost killed him as well. He can still feel the blood and tears mixing on his face as he laid her down with the rest of them.

“Y-Ya, that uh, that was her” he stumbles out

He’s still trying to hold back tears and that makes talking extremely difficult.

“I’m so sorry Matt, that must’ve been………truly awful” 

He pulls away from her “It’s fine Karen” 

She was still crying as she grabs his face gently. 
 

“Listen to me Matt, I’m sorry, okay?” She says softly “I’m sorry that you had to go through that alone” 
 

He almost makes a remark about how this isn’t the first time, but bites it down at the last second. That definitely wouldn’t help the situation. 

“It’s fine” he repeats “I promise”   

Karen smiles sadly, wiping away a tear that slipped down his face “I’m not sure if I believe you” 
 

Matt takes a shaky breath, dipping his head into her hands further. He was tired of this. The nightmares, the tears…the graves.  

“Karen……” 

“No, it’s okay Matt, you don’t have to say anything” she says “Let’s just get you home” 

“Okay” Matt responds 

He’s not sure if he’ll come back later. He wasn’t even sure about coming here in the first place. He’ll decide later, when he stops feeling the cold air on his skin from that night. 

*** 

Father Lantom’s grave was right next to the church, so it was very easy to visit. Matt still doesn’t do it that often, but today is one of those rare occasions where he feels the courage to talk to him. 

“Hello Father” he greets “I’m sorry…it’s been a while since I’ve last come to see you, I guess I was just afraid” 

He still finds it easy to be honest with the man, even though he is long gone. 

“I wasn’t sure what to say besides that I’m sorry” he whispers “It was my fault, and I know that you would want me to move on, but……I don’t know if I can” 

“I believe you can” 

Matt turns around to face his mother, who apparently snuck up on him while he was talking. He needs to concentrate more. Maggie walks over and links her arm through his, staring down at the grave with him. 

“I believe that you are strong enough to get through this Matthew” 
 

Smiling didn’t feel like an option right now, so he keeps his face pointedly blank. It’s not like his mom would need to see his face to know how he was feeling, she always seems to just know. 

“What makes you believe that?” He asks carefully 


“Because you’re the strongest person I’ve ever met” she replies simply “And because he would want you too” 

“Just because someone wants you to do something, that doesn’t mean you are capable of doing it” 

“So you’re a cynic now? I always believed you to be an optimist, even with all your anger and spite” 

Matt can’t help but laugh “I have to be an optimist to do what I do otherwise I would drown in the bad, but that doesn’t mean it’s always easy, you should know that better then anyone”  


“Matthew” she says, reaching up to turn his face towards her “I know it’s not easy, but you should know that it’s worth it” 

“I…I do know that it’s worth it” he breathes quietly “But it’s really hard mom”  

She tucks a tiny piece of hair behind his ear “I know kiddo”   

“I miss him” he says softly 

“I know that too” she responds 

He smiles just a bit. He doesn’t have Father Lantom anymore, but he does have her. 

“Thank you mom” 

She pats his arm “Come inside with me for a bit, the children miss you a lot these days” 

Matt follows her inside, silently promising Father Lantom that he would try harder.

***

Ray Nadeem’s grave was one that Matt has never been too. He had left the funeral early after hearing someone scream for help nearby. The right thing to do was to go save that person, and Ray would’ve agreed with that.

But the relief he felt when he found a reason to leave still makes him feel guilty. He shouldn’t have been relieved to escape that, but that’s just how he felt. Perhaps that’s why it took him so long to stand here now. 

“I’m sorry” he says “I know that you made mistakes, but I held them against you when I shouldn’t have and that was unfair” 


That’s another reason why it’s taken him so long to do this. He still blames himself for letting Ray be put in that position, and he took it out on the man. That was cruel, and wrong, and it still haunts him. 

“God I never should’ve let you leave that gym” Matt tells the headstone as he chokes back tears “I’m so sorry” 

“Matt?” A familiar voice says 

He turns towards the noise and quickly realizes that it’s Luke. And Danny too. 

“Hey, are you okay?” Danny asks “Who is that?” 

There was a light hitting sound that told Matt Luke had hit the blonde. 

“It isn’t your fault dude” Luke says 

Matt shakes his head “You don’t know that, you weren’t there” 

“I didn’t have to be” his friend retorts “I know you, and you would never hurt a good person intentionally” 

He turns towards the grave again, and rests a hand on it gently. Reverently. 

“He’s still dead, and it’s still my fault” 

Danny grabs his arm lightly “I promise you Matt, it’s not your fault” 

“Did you pull the trigger?” Luke asks 

Matt scowls “No” 

“Then it’s not your fault” 

He pulls away from Danny as carefully as possible, not wanting to offend them. 

“It’s not that simple” 

“Sure it is” Danny says “Whoever he is, he made his own choices, what happened in the end wasn’t because of you”  

“He’s right” Luke says “You didn’t pull the trigger, and you didn’t hold him in front of the gun” 

“I might as well have” 

“But you didn’t Matt, you didn’t make him do anything” 

“You don’t know that Luke” 

“I saw the news, I heard the story, and from what I can tell this is in no way your fault” 

“Ya, as unfortunate as it is, you can’t change it, and blaming yourself isn’t gonna help in any way” Danny tells him “I’m sure you did what you could”

He did. He tried his best to make sure that Nadeem got home to his son, because he couldn’t let another boy lose his father to something that awful. But he failed. Nadeem died, and that boy will never get to see him again.   
 

The fact is, that boy will have to grow up without a father because of him, because he failed. But his friends were right, dwelling on that fact isn’t gonna change anything. 

“We were about to go get some food, do you wanna join?” Danny asks 

“Ya” he answers 

And the pit in his stomach is a bit lighter as he says it.  

*** 


Every week. He still sees his dad every single week since the day he died. Could be out of guilt, or fear, or something else entirely, but every single week he goes back to that grave to talk to his dad. And this is the first time he’s been back since his recovery. 

“I’m sorry I haven’t been coming recently dad, but I think you’d give me a pass on this considering I couldn’t stand up until a month ago” he laughs “I thought my birthday would be a good time to start back up in coming to visit” 

Tears were already dripping down his face, and he lets them. He always lets them when he’s here. 

“I’m officially older then you” Matt says “In all honesty I didn’t think I’d ever make it to be older then you” 

He wasn’t sure how he felt about that. His dad never deserved to die, he was a good person, but Matt has somehow made it past him despite being half the man he was. 

His dad would probably disagree with that. 

“But I think I’m…glad that I’m still here, I still have work to do” 

A loud monotone voice interrupts him

Foggy, Foggy, Foggy 

He grabs his phone, clearing his throat quickly so he doesn’t sound too wrecked, and answers. 

“Hello?” 

“Hey, buddy! Happy birthday!” 

Matt laughs “Thanks Foggy” 

“So are you ready for your party?” 

“My…party?” 

“Yeah dude, all your defender friends are here, and obviously me and Karen too” he says “We even got your mom to come” 

“Oh……right ya, I’ll be over in a minute” 

“Great! Take your time talking to your dad, we’ll be here” 

And with that he hangs up, leaving Matt reeling from that conversation. He just assumes that he’d do what he always did on his birthday–avoid it. But apparently Foggy won’t let him get away with that this year. Maybe cause of all the shit that’s happened recently. 

“I..I have to go…my friends are waiting” he whispers to the grave 

Matt starts walking away, but turns back at the last second.

“I’m not alone anymore dad” 

Chapter Text

After Foggy and Karen found out about that night, Matt felt a bit lighter. Like a weight had been lifted. But he still felt that dread and loneliness hanging over him like a dark cloud. Waiting to strike again. 

And even though he was somewhat glad that Foggy and Karen knew, he definitely didn’t want anyone else to find out. 

*** 

Jessica absolutely hated looking through old security tapes. It was boring, and tedious, and it never led to anything. But she still had to look through weeks of tapes that were taken on a street camera for her latest case.  

She had already gone back three weeks and it has led to nothing. There’s just boring people walking past, and the occasional drug deal. But that wasn’t any of her business. 

Right before she was about to call it quits she caught sight of something interesting. It was about a month ago, and these two guys were trying to kidnap someone. That’s when a familiar figure showed up. 

Daredevil was beating their asses (as usual) but for some reason they got the upper hand in the end. Matt picked up what looked like an old pipe and Jessica thought that meant her friend was about to unleash the devil on them. 
 

But that’s not what happened. He went and handed those douchebags the pipe, giving them compete access to his chest. Muttering under his breath, God forgive me, he scooted closer to them. 

Jessica slammed her fist down on the table so hard that broke right in two. She didn’t care. She felt sick, and angry, and…scared? Jessica Jones doesn’t get scared. But this was only a month ago. Two months after Midland Circle. Maybe that’s why those guys got the upper hand. 

Those feelings, those thoughts, those..urges, they don’t just to away in a month. No matter how stable your life is. Which means Matt is probably still suffering, and no one knew about it. She could vomit right now.  


So she doesn’t lose her lunch all over this broken table, she pulls out her phone and sends a text to the Matt did something stupid group chat, which included: Luke, Danny, Claire, and Colleen. 
 

We need to talk. Meet at my place ASAP.

She picks up her computer which was luckily unharmed, and decides to clean it up later. As she walks into her living room she rewinds the tape. It isn’t long until everyone shows up, clearly panicked. 

“What is it?” Luke asks nervously  

Jessica stands up from her couch with stiff movements, and turns her laptop around to press play. The volume was still all the way up, so that meant she had to listen to it a second time. At least she didn’t have to look at it.

Claire was crying by the end, and Danny’s fist was lighting up. Colleen was trying to choke back her own tears as she attempted to calm him down. Luke was hugging Claire, seemingly calm, but she could see the fury and protectiveness in his eyes. 

“When–when did that happen?” Claire manages to ask through her barely contained sobs 


“A month ago” Jessica replies  


“We need to, to talk to him” Colleen says 

“Ya” Danny responds “I’ll call him” 

He goes into the next room and they wait for a minute before he returns, saying that Matt will be here soon. 

“How are we gonna do this?” Luke asks 

“Well normally with suicidal patients you have to ease into it” Claire replies “But with Matt…I’d say we just go for it, beating around the bush will just make him nervous” 

“Okay but what the hell are we even supposed to say?” Jessica says “Hey we know you tried to kill your self and we’re worried you’ll do it again is a great way to get him to run from this” 

“That’s true” Colleen agrees “We have to be really careful about how we approach it” 

“So how do we approach it?” Luke inquires 

“Approach what?” 

Jessica nearly jumps out of her own skin. So does everyone else. 

“Jesus” she mutters 

Matt laughs a little “Sorry, didn’t mean to startle you” 

He was still wearing his work clothes, but once he’s fully inside he takes off his coat and tie and sets his cane by the door. He even takes his glasses off and puts them in his shirt pocket. 

“So what are we approaching?” He asks again “Is there someone we’re fighting?” 

“Umm, no, there’s actually not” Claire says “Here, come sit down” 

Matt frowns, tilting his head in that puppy way, but does as she says. He sits down on the couch, and Claire sits down next to him, grabbing his hand. 

“Matt” she starts 

“Claire” he says, raising his eyebrows “What’s going on?” 
 

“We were uh..hoping to talk to you about something” Luke answers 

“Okay……what about?” He asks 

It was just now occurring to her that he can hear their elevated heart rates. That’s definitely not helping all of this. 

“There was this video that Jess found” Danny says “It was from about a month ago and umm…you were in it” 

Matt visibly tenses, removing his hand from Claire’s careful grasp. He still tries to play it cool though. 

“So what uh what was the video?” He asks casually, despite the tremor lining his words 

“I think you know what it was” Colleen says softly  

He shakes his head, moving to stand up “We’re not doing this” 

Jessica takes a breath and reminds herself not to hit him. 

“Yes, we are doing this” Luke counters 

“No, no, I-I’m not doing this” Matt stumbles out 

He was panicking, ready to bolt. Jessica doesn’t blame him, but they need to talk about this. And that’s coming from someone who doesn’t like to talk about anything. 

“We’re worried about you Matt” Claire tells him gently 

“You shouldn’t be” he replies simply “I’m fine” 

“Can you at least, like, tell us why?” Danny asks 

Matt sighs, shaking his head again. He sits back down on the couch, rubbing his face with trembling hands. The fear was rolling off him in waves, and Jessica can tell they all hate to see it. See him like that. 

“It-It was nothing” he laughs shakily “It was a dumb mistake, that’s all” 

“Hate to break it to you Murdock, but that’s not what you call a mistake” Jessica says “That was a choice, that was what you wanted to happen” 

He practically flinches at her words. 

“She’s right Matt, I know you could’ve beat those guys” Colleen adds “But you didn’t, in fact you gave them a weapon” 

“That isn’t..exactly what happened” 

“It looked like that’s exactly what happened” Luke says “So don’t try and downplay it, or tell us that you weren’t trying to kill your self” 

“Is that what you want me to say?” Matt asks bitterly, tears trying to escape from his eyes “Do you want me to say that I was so damn tired I didn’t see another way out?” 

He stands back up abruptly, sadness and fear quickly changing into anger. Jessica knows that coping mechanism, she lives that coping mechanism. But it’s unsettling to see him switch into that so fast. Especially because she knows he’s not angry at them at all. Just himself. 

“You want to know the truth?! The truth is, yes, I wanted to die, and-and I was a coward so I couldn’t do it myself” he spits out “I had just woken up from something that I thought I wouldn’t survive, and I…I was alone. I was alone, and tired, and my body was barely holding itself together. Most people in my condition wouldn’t even be able to walk.” 

He laughs again. That bitter, angry, hopeless laugh that sounds nothing like him. 
 

“The nuns, they said I was lucky to be alive. I didn’t agree. I didn’t want to accept this so called miracle that God had given me, because I was sick of pretending to be his soldier. I was sick of asking him time and time again to give me a goddamn break and only getting more pain in return. I was just done with-with it all.” 

He’s faltering now, his breath hitching, tears falling. He was spilling his guts about stuff that actually made her sick to her stomach. He was breaking. And all they could do was watch. 

“I-I’m sorry-I’m sorry” he chokes “I didn’t mean to-to scare you or..make you angry or anything, I just……I was just so tired, you know? I was so tired……” 

All of them were crying. Even Danny, even Luke, hell…even Jessica was trying not to let those few tears fall. Everything he was saying was just so real. And they weren’t expecting him to be so honest. At least not like that. 

Jessica clears her throat “Matt, stand up” 

He does, slowly. Everyone else stares at her like she’s crazy. But she doesn’t care, she hugs him. 

“Wha-” 

“Shut up Murdock, this is never happening again” she says 

Matt laughs, a bit sadly, but much more normally then a minute ago. He sniffles weakly into her shoulder, and she squeezes his shirt tighter in response. Once he pulls away, she keeps her hand on the back of his neck. 

“You good now Murdock?” She asks 

He nods, smiling weakly, but genuinely. The moment she pulls away fully, Luke takes his turn in hugging the man. 

“I guess I changed my mind about that hug” he jokes lightly 

Jessica wanders into her kitchen and grabs her flask, chugging it as fast as humanly possible. She takes a breath, then walks back in. Danny was now getting his turn in hugging their friend. 

Claire does after him, and then Colleen gets the last one. Apparently Jessica had started a hugging chain. Whatever, as long as they weren’t hugging her. 

“We done now?” Matt asks 

“Hopefully” Jessica mutters, passing him the flask “Jesus, I make one impulsive move and suddenly they all feel like joining in” 

Everyone laughs at that, the air in the room lighter now. Good. Matt sits back down on the couch, probably exhausted after all of that. 

“You promise you’re okay now?” Claire asks 

Matt sighs “Ya..I am” 

Jessica actually believed him. 

“That means it’s time for a drink” Luke says “Give me that” 

He snatches the flask out of Jessica’s hands and she scowls, but allows it. Just for tonight. He passes it around until everyone has had a good swig. They all end up strewn around the room passing a bottle of bourbon that she found in the back of her cupboard around. 

“Thanks guys” Matt says once they’re all almost asleep 

“No problem” Colleen says 

“Of course Matt” Luke adds 

“We’re all here for you” Claire tells him 

“Ya, we’re a team” Danny mutters 

Jessica might have smiled as she says “Go to sleep idiots” 

*** 

They know now. And Matt can’t take that back. He’s not sure if he wants too. 

Chapter Text

Claire was waiting in Matt’s apartment for him to get home from patrol. Foggy had called and asked her to be here just in case, which meant that Matt probably didn’t know she was here. Apparently he had been acting weird, and Foggy was worried he would get hurt. 

She doesn’t blame him for worrying, their friend was seemingly incapable of taking care of himself. It was incredibly frustrating at times, but she also understands that he’s just trying to help other people. 

Footsteps sound from the roof access and she looks up to see Matt stumble through the door. Literally stumble. She jumps up off the couch to go help him, but pauses just as she reaches to bottom of the steps. 

He was muttering things under his breath, too softly for her to hear, and he kept his right hand on the railing as his left tries to claw off his mask. His movements were uncoordinated, and he didn’t even seem to be aware that she was here. There was definitely something wrong.

“Matt?” She asks, reaching her hands out to catch him just in case he falls 

He was practically panting by the time he got down the stairs, clearly out of breath. 

“Matt” she repeats “What’s the matter? What happened?” 

Still he didn’t answer her. He tilted his head in her direction, so she knows that he heard her, he’s just not responding. He stumbles over and collapses onto the couch as he finally rips that stupid black mask off. 

That’s when she can finally see how bad he is. His forehead was lined with sweat, and the bags under his eyes were about ten times worse then usual. His unfocused gaze seemed to be even more glassy, and he was shaking from head to toe. 

She quickly goes over and kneels down in front of him, placing her hand on his forehead. 
 

“Oh Matt, you’re burning up” she whispers, brushing his hair away carefully 

He practically whimpers, trying to pull away from her desperately. 

“Shhhh hey it’s just me” she says softly “You’re okay”  

Matt keeps trying to squirm away, burrowing further into the couch as a pathetic attempt to escape. She sits down on the edge of the couch, and tries to keep him still without scaring him, one hand on his head and the other on his chest. 

“Calm down Matt, it’s okay” she soothes “Shhhshhhshh” 

He stops trying to move away from her but he continues to mumble things that she couldn’t hear. 

“I don’t understand what you’re trying to say” she tells him 

“It-it h’rts” he whispers painfully  

Claire frowns, running her hand through his hair slowly. 

“What hurts?” 

“Ev..everything” he slurs “It hurts Claire, m-make it stop”  


Her heart breaks in half as she watches a tear slip down his face. She wipes it away. 

“Okay, it’s okay, I’m here to help” she says calmly “I need to help cool you off because I think this fever is really bad” 

He wasn’t paying attention to her anymore, his eyes fluttering shut even as he tried to fight it. 

“Don’t fight it Matt, go to sleep”  

It was like that was all he needed, because his head lolls to the side as he loses consciousness. She gets up and goes to the kitchen to fill a bowl with ice water, and grab a couple rags. 

Once she has those she returns to his side at the couch. She dips one of the rags into the water and dabs at his forehead a bit with it. He stirs at the cold, shivering even more then before. 

He paws weakly at her arm, trying to get the source of the cold away. It obviously doesn’t work considering all she has to do is gently shush him and stroke his hair until he falls back asleep. 

But even as he gives into the exhaustion, he still seems restless. His face would contort in pain every few minutes, and his fingers wouldn’t stop twitching even as she held his hand. 

She tried to make sure he was comfortable, but that was a lost cause because of the fever. Once the bowl was completely empty she went to refill it. Leaving his side for a even a minute seemed to upset him though. 

He was whimpering, and reaching out as if trying to find her. His eyes were open again, so she could see the tears that threatened to spill. She rushes back over with the refilled water. 

“Hey, shhhh, I’m right here” she says 

She gets the rag wet again and pushes his hair out of his face gently, laying it down on his forehead. She assumed that once she was back at his side again, he would calm down, but he didn’t.

He was trying to get up, to get away. From what, she didn’t know, but he seemed distressed about it. He somehow makes it into a sitting position and she quickly moves to sit next to him.  

“I-I have to…to go” he mutters quietly 
 

Claire wraps her arms around him so he doesn’t stand up, and it works surprisingly well, he pretty much collapses into her, burying his face in her shoulder.  

“No, you don’t, you need to rest” she says into his hair 

He was still dangerously warm, and it was worrying her. There was no way he’d go to a hospital, but she could at least get some reinforcements. Matt was practically asleep again as she ran her hand up and down his back and into his hair.  

She gently eases him back onto the couch and puts the cold rag back into its place. Just so he doesn’t wake up again, she holds onto his hand as she pulls out her phone. She texts Foggy and Karen to get here. 

Once the message is sent, she takes a breath and looks at the sleeping man who still looked to be in pain. It hurts, seeing him like this without being able to truly help.   

It only takes a moment before Foggy and Karen are pounding on the door. Matt flinches at the noise, squeezing her hand tighter. 

“Hold on, I’ll be right back” she tells him 

He doesn’t really respond, but she gets up and answers the door anyway. They both come rushing inside the moment the door is open.  

“Matt!” Foggy yells

“Please, be quiet” Claire says “He’s really sick” 

“Sick?” Karen asks 

“Ya, come on, he’s on the couch” 

They follow her over to where Matt was still laying in his feverish state, and they both gasp. 

“Jesus Christ Matty, what did you do?” Foggy whispers 

Karen goes and kneels down in front of him like Claire did earlier, placing her hand on his cheek lightly. 
 

“He’s like a furnace!” Karen exclaims 

“I know, I need you guys to help me get his shirt off” Claire instructs  

They nod, and get into action. Somehow they manage to get his shirt off without stressing him out or moving him around too much. But when they really see him all the air leaves the room. 

“Is uh, is this……normal?” Karen manages to ask 

Claire doesn’t even have the words to answer, so she just shakes her head. 

There were bruises littering his entire torso and back, most of them very old and almost healed, but just visible enough to make it look like he’d been hit by a truck. And the scars……oh god the scars. 

She had stitched some of the those scars herself, but there were so many new ones. Too many to count. They were red, and barely healing. In fact some of them were still stitched. 
 

“What the hell happened to him?” Foggy gasps “Last I remember, there was about a third of the scars, and half the bruises” 

“Last I remember there was none of the bruises” Claire says  

“How many scars were there before?” Karen asks, clearly concerned 

Foggy to looks to Claire, calculating an answer. 

“I was only there for like half of them” he mutters  

“Well these ones” Claire points to the ones under his collarbones “Were from a ninja, I think? Same with the one under his right ribs, and the two on his back” 
 

“Oh god do I remember that” Foggy says
 

“Ya” Claire agrees, before continuing “And the ones on his left side and right arm were from the Russians” 

“What about the rest?!” Karen practically yells, standing back up fully “That’s not even half of them!”  

Just before Foggy was getting ready to yell back, Claire has a moment of realization. 

“Midland circle” she murmurs quietly, “The rest are from Midland circle”  


“Oh” they say at the same time 

She nods sadly, looking back over to the couch when Matt shifts. 

“What-what is–” 

“It’s okay, it’s just Foggy and Karen” Claire reassures as she sits down next to him again 

“T-They’re..scared……why are they scared?” He asks 

“Cause we saw you” Foggy says “What the hell Matt? How are you going out every night?”

He furrows his eyebrows, looking very confused as to what his friend was asking about.

“The scars Matt” Claire reminds him, as if he just doesn’t remember they’re there

Although, he can’t see them, and he’s scarily good at blocking out pain, so maybe he does just forget sometimes.

“Oh…you already knew about those” he whispers  


“Well I didn’t” Karen says 

“It was from Nobu” Matt tells her casually 

“Nobu?” She repeats 

He nods “The ninja” 

“Hate to break it to you buddy” Foggy interrupts “But that only accounts for some of them, and your skin is more scars and bruises then actual…you know…skin” 

“Most of the bruises are from the building” Matt tells them quietly, almost as if he was embarrassed 

“Midland circle?” Foggy clarifies 

“Ya” 


“I’m guessing some of those scars are also from Midland circle?” Karen asks 

They already pretty much knew, but might as well double check. 

Matt nods again “Ya..I think so”  

“You think so?” Foggy says incredulously 

“Could’ve been before the-the collapse, with……Elektra” he says “Or maybe from Fisk…or Dex”  


“Oh my god” Foggy mutters, hanging his head in his hands “I-”

“Okay” Claire stops him “I don’t think this is the best time to talk about this, Matt, you need to rest”  

She didn’t need to tell him twice, he was already falling back asleep. Karen grabs Foggy’s arm, and drags him to the arm chair on their left. Probably to stop him from freaking out. She sits in the other one. 

Claire sits down on the edge of the couch again, placing the cold rag back on his forehead from where it had fallen off before. She takes a deep breath, and hopes that his fever will break soon. 

*** 

Matt was getting worse, and none of them had any idea what to do. He was mumbling things in his sleep, tossing and turning before jerking awake. They would switch off trying to calm him down and get him back to sleep, but no one could ever do it. Not even Foggy. 

At this point Claire didn’t know what to do. He was miserable, and they couldn’t help him beyond trying to cool him off. She was so tempted to just bring him to the hospital and deal with his arguments later, but then Foggy had an idea. 

“I’m gonna call Maggie” he says “I know it might not do much, but she could at least help us try and bring his fever down” 

Claire was immediately on board with that, the more hands the better, and Karen also agreed. Foggy called her and not even 10 minutes later, she was walking through the door. 

She comes into the living room where they are and sighs sadly when she sees him. 

“Oh Matthew, what have you done to yourself now?” 

Matt tries to sit up when he hears her, and Claire thinks it’s like earlier when Foggy and Karen showed up, that he was panicking. 

“It’s okay” Claire tells him “It’s just-” 

“Mom” he says 

Maggie walks over to her son, who reaches out weakly towards her. 

“I’m right here” she says, and sits down on the couch 

She pulls him back down until his head is in her lap, and he immediately relaxes. 

“Mom” he says again 

“What have you done this time kiddo?” She asks 

“I-I didn’t…do anything” he mumbles 

Once her hand finds his head she sighs again, stroking his hair back. 

“Why did you go out tonight?” She asks softly 

“Because I heard people screaming” he slurs tiredly “……‘m sorry”  

“I’m not angry with you” Maggie says “I might think you’re an idiot, but I’m not angry with you”  

Matt smiles weakly, but it quickly turns into a grimace “It hurts mom”

“What hurts sweetheart?”

“All of it” he replies 

“Tell me which one”

What does she mean? Which one of what?

He points to a scar across his upper chest, and Maggie eyes it carefully.

“Is that the one that got reopened three times?” She asks after a second

He nods, face twisting in pain when she touches it. But he doesn’t try and bat her hand away, which is good.  

“It hurts” he says again “It hurts…” 

“Shhhhh I know honey” she says “It will be okay, you just need to relax” 

“Mom……” he whimpers, reaching up towards her 

“Shshshhh I’m right here Matthew” she soothes, petting at his hair gently “I’m right here”  

His eyes start to close again “Stay”  

Claire is just now realizing that Maggie has tears in her eyes. 

“I will” she promises  


And then he’s out like a light. Claire thinks her head might actually be spinning around. 

“How many of those scars did he get from midland circle?” Foggy asks quietly 

Maggie looks up to him “Several, but not all” 

“And um…how did you do that?” 

“Do what?” 

“Get him to finally calm down” 

“Oh” she looks down at her son “I had a lot of practice while he was recovering” 

“What do you mean?” Karen asks 

“Well he was in and out of it for weeks before he was actually conscious, and he was a lot like this during that time” she says “Plus, when he was a child he’d have these terrible nightmares, and this was the only way to get him to calm down” 

“Wow” Claire says “Impressive” 

Maggie smiles sadly “I wasn’t there for him before, and I’m not making that mistake again” 

“You know he forgives you, right?” Karen tells her 

“I know” she responds “But that doesn’t mean I’ve forgiven myself” 

Claire frowns “It would break his heart if he heard you say that sister” 

“That’s true” Foggy agrees “One time I made a joke about my weight and he wouldn’t stop quoting bible verses about God’s image for like a week” 

Karen laughs “Ya, remember when I joked about the pimple I had on my face and then he gave me a compliment every time I saw him for the rest of the day” 

“That sounds like Matthew” Maggie says fondly “He sees the good in everyone, which is difficult for most people, let alone a blind man” 


“Well Matt’s always been good about that” Foggy comments  

That’s true. It is incredibly difficult to see beauty in a world with so much pain, but he somehow manages to do it. Even while he goes out every night to the heart of the city’s darkness.


They spend the rest of the night swapping stories about Matt’s need to do and encourage good. Maggie even told them about how he broke a kid’s nose at the orphanage for touching a girl without her consent.  

All Claire could think was, for a man who’s body is a map of all the awful things in this city, he’s remarkably good at staying the somewhat optimistic person he is. 

She hopes that it will stay that way, and that the scars won’t get to him. 

*** 

Matt wakes up with a pounding in his head so strong he has to actively fight to stay awake. He he was laying on something…or someone. Expanding his senses made the throbbing in his head worse but he does it anyway, and realizes it’s his mom. 

He can tell there were three other heartbeats, and he quickly realizes it’s Claire, Foggy and Karen. What happened last night? All he remembers is stumbling home and hearing Claire try and talk to him, but the rest is pretty much a blur. 
 

“Matthew? Are you awake?” His mom asks carefully 

Oh, he hasn’t actually like, opened his eyes yet. 

“Ya” he replies 

He winces at the sound of his own voice, which was raw and scratchy. A hand drifts over his head. 

“Your fever has gone down significantly, but you should still take some Tylenol” 

Matt gives a small nod, and tries to sit up. It takes a surprising amount of effort to get his joints to move the way he wants them too, but Maggie helps him and eventually he has his feet on the cold floor. 

The actual standing up and walking is a whole other issue because the moment he attempts to put weight on his legs they protest, and he ends up falling back onto the couch with a sigh. 

“I’ve got it” Maggie tells him “Stay here” 

It takes all of his limited focus to track her as she walks through the kitchen and grabs the medicine then fills a glass of water. She sits back down next to him and he grabs the items from her hands, mumbling a thank you before swallowing the pills and downing half the water. 

“Slow down, it won’t go anywhere” his mom laughs 

He smiles a bit, and sets the mostly empty glass on the coffee table. 

“What time is it?” He asks after a second 

“Early enough that you should go back to sleep” 

That isn't exactly an answer, but he can already feel sleep pulling at him again. His body begging him to just stop and take a second. His friends and his mom are preaching the same thing. 

“I suppose that’s fair” he says 

“The fact that you didn’t fight me on that is definitely enough proof that you need more rest” 

Matt smiles again, and lays back down slowly. 

“I don’t remember a lot of last night” he confesses “But, I do remember Foggy asking about my…my scars” 

His mom hums “Yes, he was quite concerned, as were Karen and Claire” 

“Oh” he breathes “And um..what did you tell them?” 

“The truth, Matthew” she says “I told them the truth” 

Matt isn’t quite sure what that means, he just hopes that they don’t ask more later. 


“Go back to sleep” 

He doesn’t bother arguing with that, especially since his eyes seemed to be closing of their own accord. As he drifts off he thinks about the marks that cover his skin. Thinks about how it must look to other people. How it would feel if one of his friends were covered in bruises and scars like his. 

It would hurt, knowing someone you love is having that done to them every night. But he has a job to do. He has to protect this city and all those who live here, which includes the people he loves. These scars are a just a reminder of that. 

Maybe that’s why they’ve never bothered him. 

Chapter Text

Matt has kept up his training since the moment Stick left. Hoping that maybe his mentor would come back and be proud of him. A part of him likes to think that the old man meant what he said in that sewer, about how he was proud of him. Then at least all those years of training in secret weren’t for nothing. 
 

Stick taught him more then how to fight, he taught him how to survive. And Matt has needed that in these years. He’s thankful for what he did for him, but sometimes he can’t ignore the itch in the back of his head saying that is wasn’t right. Wasn’t fair. 

And everyone else certainly loves pointing that out to him. 

*** 

Karen has been taking boxing lessons from Matt for a couple of weeks now, and it’s been great. She needs a way to defend herself, and Matt said he was a bit rusty with his boxing skills recently. So it was a win-win situation. But she’s been noticing things about the way he teaches.

She has always been a determined person, in every aspect of her life, it’s just in her nature. With everything she’s ever done, she pushes herself to be better and better. And that is a very good thing now because Matt doesn’t push her. 

He’s a fantastic teacher, and is very patient and willing to help. But he doesn’t push her in the way she wants him too. And she often wonders why, considering he pushes himself so damn hard. 

She sees it all the time, in the way he refuses to back down from anything, or take a break when he desperately needs one. She sees it every single week when they have their lessons and she walks into the gym to find him already there. 

Today is the same as all the other times. She opens the door and he’s there pounding his fists against the punching bag with so much force she thinks it’s gonna break. 

He stops, and turns towards her. 

“Hey” he greets, wiping the sweat from his forehead 

“Hi” she responds “You ready?” 

Matt nods “Ya, I think today is the day we actually get in the ring” 

Karen raises her eyebrows “Really?” 

He’s only taught her the basic stances and a few moves so far, claiming that it was dangerous if she didn’t know those first. But she’s been waiting to get in the ring since day one. 

Once they’re all ready he gets in, and she follows eagerly. 

“You remember what I showed you?” He asks 

“Ya” she answers, getting into the right stance 

He nods again, and that’s the only warning she gets before he aims for her face. She barely manages to duck out the way and try and sweep his leg. He spins out of reach easily. 

“Not taking it easy on a beginner, Mr. Murdock? Shame on you” she jokes as they bounce around each other 

Matt smirks “I am taking it easy” 


She smiles back, and sends her foot into his chest, which, he allows, proving his previous statement. But he still gets up and dodges her next punch with ease and a gracefulness she’s only seen in those videos of Daredevil. 

He throws a fist toward her stomach and she twists around, grabbing his arm and pinning it behind his back. What he does next is a real surprise though. He does a flip that she didn’t even know was humanly possible, right out of her grasp. 

In the midst of it though, his foot connects with her nose and she falls back. It hurts, but she can tell it isn’t broken. 

“Oh my god, Karen I’m so sorry” Matt gasps, ripping off his gloves 

He helps her stand up, and gently grabs her face to inspect the bruise that was already forming. 

“It’s okay” she says 

Matt lets out a long suffering sigh, stepping back from her and heading towards the edge of the ring. 

“We’re done for today” he says 

“What? Matt, I’m fine” 
 

She follows him out of the ring and to the bench where he puts his gloves back into his bag. 

“I hit you, Karen” 

“So? You’re teaching me how to box, I knew that this was a possibility” she laughs 

He sighs tiredly again, sitting down on the bench and rubbing at his face. Karen frowns. Why was this such a big deal? 

She sits down next to him, placing a careful hand on his back. 
 

“You gonna tell me what’s wrong?”  

“Nothing is..wrong” he mutters quietly 

“Don’t lie to me Matt, just tell me what’s bothering you” 

“I…I hurt you” he says 

And it sounds so wrong, the way he says it. So broken. It has all the sirens sounding in her head, telling her that there’s something bigger here. 

“You didn’t do it on purpose” she reminds him 

“That doesn’t matter” 

“Yes, it does” 

“Matt, just listen to me” she says “It’s not a big deal, in fact, I think I needed the reality check, this just means I’ll work harder” 

“You don’t need to work harder, you’re already doing great”

“Well I wanna be better, like you”

Something about that statement makes him wince, and he shakes his head. 


“No, you don’t” he whispers 


And again, it sounded so raw. So open, and vulnerable and…scared. It sounded scared. 

“Why not? You’re an incredible fighter” 

“I wasn’t just born that way” he snaps “It takes years of practice, and concentration; I was lucky enough to have someone teach me” 

“So why can’t you teach me?” She asks 

“Because I……because it’s different” 

A question that has been at the back of her mind for a while floats to the surface. 

“Matt…who taught you all these things? Who taught you how to fight?”

He shakes his head again “That’s not important” 

More alarms go off in her head. 

“You told me that you’ve been doing this for years, so what, did you take fighting classes or something?” 

“No, no, not, umm, not exactly” 

She pauses, giving him time to answer. 

“There was a guy, Stick, he-he’s the one who taught me” 

“He taught you everything?” 

“Ya, he uh, was getting me ready for the…for the war” 

“A war? What war?” 


“Look it’s a long story, and one I’d rather not tell, all you need to know is he trained me” 

The way Matt talks about him is..odd. He’s skirting around the subject, like he’s hiding something. 

“How old were you?” 

“What?” 

“How old were you? When he trained you for this war?” 

“Why does it matter?” 

“Answer the question” 

“I-I was eleven” 

Karen’s heart drops to her stomach. 

“Jesus Christ Matt, you were 11?” 

“It’s not that big of a deal-” 

“Oh bullshit!” She yells 


He sighs. He doesn’t fight her. He doesn’t rise to her level. He just sighs. Breathes shakily like he’s trying not to cry. She takes a breath, and sits back down next to him as realization hits her. 
 

“Is that why you were so upset about hitting me? Is-Is that what he did to you?”  

His face scrunches up, and he looks in her direction. 

“I-I guess? He was just…training me” Matt says “Preparing me, he-” 
 

Karen cuts him off by hugging him tightly. Clinging to his shirt as if she could take all that away. All the awful things that man did.  

“You were just a kid” 

“He was helping me, he taught me how to live with my senses, how to use them to make me better” 
 

She pulls back just a little, just enough to see the tears lining his eyes. 

“That doesn’t mean he didn’t hurt you, what he did was wrong” 


Matt lets go of her and stands up. 

“Y-ya you’re right” he says shakily 

There’s not an chance in hell that he actually believes her. But she can tell he’s getting ready to bolt, so she should probably drop it. 

Just for now.

 
*** 
 

Danny was not having a very good day. It started off fine, but once Luke called him and Matt about a little problem, things kinda went to shit. They’re currently fighting off basically an entire mob and it isn’t going well. 

Luke was being held down by a bunch of them, and Danny was occupied with this one guy who was being very stubborn with his knife. Another few were getting at Matt who was bleeding from like four different stab wounds and has a few fractured ribs. 

He wasn’t technically supposed to be out yet, but he was itching to hit someone and Danny is a sucker for his puppy dog eyes. Plus, if the guy is moving around this much, then it’s probably not as bad as Claire says it is.  

The knife guy swings at him again and he dodges, but this dude’s good, and manages to pin him to the ground with the knife to his throat. Danny struggles against him and glances over at Luke who had people practically piled on top of him still and Matt in a similar situation. 
 

Just as knife guy is gonna try and slit his throat, Matt throws one of his stick things and knocks him right off of Danny even as one dude has him in a chokehold. His friend gets out of the hold easily, and knocks out the two guys next to him in one flip kick. 

Danny goes to help Luke and with some teamwork they render the rest unconscious within a few minutes. The adrenaline fades as he looks over at his friends. Matt was breathing harder then them, and holding his stomach. 

“You okay?” Luke asks  

Matt gives a jerky nod “Ya, we should go, the cops are coming” 

Danny definitely agrees with that, and quickly starts to move towards Luke’s place, which was the closest. 

“That was a nice save by the way, thank you” he says over his shoulder to the man clad in black 

“No problem” Matt replies 

They make it back to Luke’s place pretty fast, and immediately collapse on the nearest place they could find. Danny realizes how bad Matt looks once he removes his mask.  

“Dude, are you sure you’re okay?” Luke asks again 

“Ya, ya, the pain is just…coming back” 

“The pain?” Danny repeats 


Another nod “None of my stitches ripped but I definitely cracked a couple more ribs” 

“What?!” Danny exclaims “You were fighting!”  

“I had a job to do” 

“Matt, how do you even fight in that condition?” Luke asks worriedly 


“Block it out” he mumbles 

“You block it out…” 

“Ya, I had to get something done, pain just gets in the way of that” 

“How do you even block out pain like that?” Danny wonders 

“Simple, mind controls the body” 

He freezes. That’s what Stick used to say. Stick who was insane and trained Matt as a kid. Stick who’s methods of training Danny knows all too well. 

“Stick used to say that” Danny mutters 

Matt nods, seemingly oblivious to his panic “Ya, he did” 

Luke looks to Danny, morbid curiosity coloring his eyes. Danny shakes his head slowly, silently telling him he doesn’t want to know. 

“Can I…can I stay here tonight?” Matt asks 

His eyes were already struggling to stay open. 

“Of course man” Luke responds 

Matt mumbles something that could’ve been a thank you, but Danny’s not so sure. And then he’s asleep. 

“So what was with that mind controls the body stuff?” Luke asks 

He stares at Danny questioningly as he goes over and covers Matt in a blanket, tucking it around his shoulders gently. 

“It was something the chaste would teach their soldiers” Danny answers “It was basically just a way to control the kids into thinking that pain was unimportant, and if you were a real soldier, you can get through anything no matter what” 

Luke looks back down at Matt and sighs, letting his hands linger on the man’s arms for a moment as he smooths the blanket down. 

“That explains a lot about him actually” 

“Ya” Danny nods “I never believed in that statement because the monks taught me to listen to the needs of my body” 

“I always thought that was just common sense” Luke mutters 

“It should be”  


“Is there anything we can even do? This is very unhealthy, and it’s gonna get him seriously hurt one day” 

Danny sighs, looking down at their friend  “It already has” 

“Then let’s help him!” 

“Luke, I don’t know if there’s much we can really do” 

“I’ll find a way” the man says determinedly 

Danny really really hopes he does. 

*** 

Claire was very aware of Matt’s scary high tolerance for pain, and his ability to stitch himself up and then keep going like nothing ever happened. Like he didn’t just have a literal hole in his shoulder. But this..this is a new one.  

He had been getting a bit better at asking for help when he needed it, so of course she came over right as he called. He doesn’t call much anymore, probably from the guilt of something, but when he does she always tries to help. 

Plus, Foggy had mentioned that he had been worried about Matt. He would come into the office later then usual, limping worse each day. He said the man’s exhaustion and stress was felt from across the room. 

And when she walked in to find him barely holding himself up on the edge of the couch, she immediately understood what Foggy was talking about. She rushes to his side as fast as she can. 

“Matt?” She asks worriedly 

“Hi Claire” he greets weakly 

Well at least he’s coherent enough to talk, and he’s still standing; wobbly, and shaking, but standing. 

“What do you need?” She asks him 

There wasn’t any obvious blood, but that doesn’t mean he’s not two seconds away from needing a hospital. 

“My ribs…I need to wrap them” 

Claire frowns. That’s definitely something he can do on his own. Not that she doesn’t want to help, but it’s a pretty simple task. Although by the looks of him simple tasks seem like way too much energy. 

“Okay, just go sit down” she instructs 

She grabs the wrap from her first aid kit and sits down next to him. That’s when she actually looks at him. His torso was bruised to hell, which isn’t unusual for him, but she also couldn’t and help notice how much thinner he was. 

“Matt…” 

“Hmm?” 

“When was the last time you ate? Or slept?”  

He looks confused for a second, then drops his head against the back of the couch.  

“I…I don’t know” 

“You don’t know?” 

“A couple days maybe?” 

“What the hell?! How are you not passed out right now, or…or worse?” 

Matt shrugs “It’s not that big of a deal” 

“Not that big of a deal?” She repeats “You’re gonna be the death of me” 

Claire takes a deep breath, calculating her next steps. 

“Alright, here’s what’s gonna happen, I’m gonna wrap your ribs, you’re gonna eat something, and then you’re gonna go to bed” 

Matt shakes his head, already moving to stand back up. 

“No, I need to get back out there” he protests 

Claire pushes him back down gently. 

“No way” she says “Stay there, and I’m gonna make some food, okay?” 

He sighs tiredly, but doesn’t try to get back up. So it’s a win. She goes into the kitchen and looks in the fridge, not surprised when she finds nothing but old takeout and bottles of water. Well, old Chinese food it is. 

She heats that up in the microwave and grabs one of the bottles of water before going back into the living room. Matt was slumped against the cushions, eyes closed. All the fight seemed to have left him. 

“Come on, you gotta eat” she urges, sitting next to him 

He opens his eyes, and takes the plate of food from her. He picks at it a bit, then slowly brings a bite of rice to his mouth with shaking hands. After a few bites, she hands him the water. 

“Here” 

Matt drinks a little of that, then sets it on the coffee table in front of them. He stands up again, wincing with each step he takes. Claire gets up and follows. 

“Where are you going?” She asks 

“I already told you, I need to get back out there” he mumbles, reaching for his mask on the table 


She grabs his hand before he can.  

“Matt, no, you need to take a break” 

“No, no, I can’t” he says almost desperately “I can’t” 

“Yes, you can, your body needs a chance to recover” she tells him “How long have you been out on the streets?” 

“A…a while” 

“See, you can’t even remember when you last ate or slept, or hell, sat down for a minute” 

“Because I can’t!” He snaps “There are people who need help, Claire, and I can-I can hear them begging for me to come help them, so I’m not gonna sit here while they suffer” 

She sighs “You can’t help them if you don’t help yourself first” 

“Yes, I can, I’ve gone longer then this without food or sleep” 

“What?” 

“It isn’t hard to do once you’ve trained for it” 

“Trained? Who the hell trained you to do that?” 

Matt takes a shaky breath “Stick did, when uh, when I was a kid” 

“When you were a kid?!” 

He moves his hand out of her grasp, and she’s to in shock to try and keep her grip on him. 

“Ya, he made sure I was prepared for anything, taught me about how to push away distractions”

“Matt, food and sleep aren’t distractions, they’re your body’s way of telling you to slow the hell down” 

“I-I’m fine” he says “I need go help”  

“Please” she begs “Sit down, finish eating, and go to sleep” 

Matt closes his eyes for a moment, contemplating. His shoulders sag, a tired breath escaping his mouth. 

“Okay” 


Relief floods through her. She didn’t think he would give up that easily. 

“Thank you” she says, guiding him back to the couch 

Once he slowly finishes eating, and begrudgingly goes to bed, Claire leaves. But everything about that night still doesn’t sit right with her.

***

Jessica was definitely not expecting Matt Murdock to stumble through her window and three in the morning bleeding half to death, but……here they are. He had crashed through the thin glass and collapsed onto her couch without a single word. 

Now he was clumsily trying to hold his organs inside his body through his blood stained gloves that hid trembling fingers. It wasn’t exactly the most pleasant sight in the world. But she’s also seen worse, so it didn’t phase her too much. 

“What the hell happened?” She asks as she goes to grab the first aid kit 

“Got..stabbed…a knife” he slurs

When she gets back in the room with the medical supplies in hand he is already sitting mostly up with his mask removed. 

“Just need…to-to stitch it” 

“Then you’ve come to the wrong person” 

“Y-You were..closest” 

“That doesn’t mean I know how to sew a human being back together” 

“I can do the stitches”  

That definitely doesn’t seem possible when he can barely keep his own head up, but then again she’s seen him do weirder shit. 

“You sure?” She double checks 

Matt nods weakly, and reaches for the first aid kit in her hand. She opens it and hands it to him before grabbing a chair to watch. He cleans the wound by pouring practically her whole bottle of rubbing alcohol on it and then threads the needle with practiced ease. 

He takes a breath, then digs it into his skin. She nearly winces at the sight of it, and is slightly alarmed when he barely reacts to piercing a needle through his own stomach. Jessica watches as he threads it through the wound again and again, his hands suddenly stable. 

“Claire teach you to do that?” She asks 

“No, my dad did” he answers through controlled breaths “I used to patch him up when I was a kid” 

“You seem to be better then just doing it a few times as a kid” 

Matt pauses for a second to tie off the thread and then cut it. 

“Well, Stick had me practice a lot too, and I’ve done it plenty of times since I started being Daredevil” 

“Stick?” 

“Ya, he’s the one who trained me”  

“Didn’t he train you when you were like 10 or something though?” 

He nods “Why?” 

“Why was he teaching a 10 year old how to stitch a knife wound?” 

“Why was he teaching a 10 year old how to fight ninjas?” He counters 

Which, ya, that’s a fair point. But it doesn’t make this any less weird. 

“How’d he teach you anyway?” 

Matt looks near her questioningly. 

“What do you mean?” 

“I mean, how do you teach a child to sew themselves up without practicing on a real patient?” 


“Oh..well uh I-I was the patient” he says 

Jessica nods casually, and ignores the turning in her stomach at the thought of blind little orphan Matt Murdock getting beat up by some old dude just to practice treating his own injuries.

  
She bites down the urge to punch something as she grabs a bandage from her cupboard and hands it to him. He places it over the freshly stitched wound and tapes if down. 

“You realize that’s a little fucked up, right? Please tell me you know that” 

Matt sighs like he’s had this exact conversation before. Maybe he has. 

“I mean ya, what Stick did was wrong, but I wouldn’t be alive without him” 

Oh god he probably feels like he owes the bastard or some shit. 

“He helped me, he..he made me who I am” 
 

“The hell does that matter? There are a lot of things that made me who I am, that doesn’t mean I have to like them” 

“I didn’t say I-I liked him……but he…I owe him my life, okay? So all the other stuff is-it’s irrelevant” 

“Irrelevant?” 

“Ya” 

“I never thought I’d have to say this, but child abuse isn't exactly irrelevant” 

“It-It wasn’t child abuse Jess” 

“…it most definitely was”  

Matt sighs again, hanging his head down. He had little resolve left, she could see it. He may be good at reading people, know things about strangers without even having to be near them. But she was better. 

And she can tell that he’s had this argument before. With others, and with himself too. She can also tell that she’s pushed this too far, and should probably back off. Forcing him to realize this shit right after he’s been stabbed isn’t the best idea. 

“Jess…” he starts  

“No” she cuts him off “You don’t have to explain this to me Murdock, just get some rest” 

He hesitates for a moment, then nods. 

“Thank you” 

She doesn’t say anything else, just goes back to her room and leaves him to sleep on the couch. 

She doesn’t sleep the rest of the night. 

*** 

Foggy thought that Matt was all out of surprises, but alas, he was wrong. Very very wrong. Now, he knew about Stick, of course he did, but he didn’t realize how bad it was and how much it affected his friend. Until now. 

He needed to return a file that he had taken by mistake, and he knew that Matt would be home from doing his vigilante shit. But when he came in he saw his friend leaning against the wall, crying. 

Once Foggy recovered from the shock of that, he quickly went towards the man. He was shaking, tears streaming down his face. It was heartbreaking.  

“Matt? Hey, Matt, what’s wrong? Are you okay? Are you hurt?” 


“I’m sorry” he says “I’m so sorry Foggy” 

“Why are you sorry? Did something happen?” He asks, grabbing his friend’s shoulder 

Matt shakes his head, not responding. It’s like he can’t even hear him. 
 

“Oh god Foggy, I-I’m sorry, I’m sorry” 

“Matt, you’re scaring me” he says “You gotta tell me what’s going on” 

The man keeps crying, keeps shaking his head, keeps muttering apologies between sobs, and Foggy is halfway to crying himself now. 

“I’m s-sorry I didn’t mean to…please Foggy, you have to believe me, I really tried..I-I tried so hard…he died……he’s-he’s d-dead…I failed”  


“Who’s dead?” 

“I wasn’t fast enough-I wasn’t good enough…god, he’s dead Foggy” Matt cries “H-He’s dead and it’s m-my fault……it-it’s my fault, I’m sorry..I’m so sorry” 

Foggy can do nothing but stare for a moment, then he just grabs his best friend and hugs him. Holds him tighter then he ever has before. 

“Hey, it’s okay, just listen to me” he says “Whatever happened, it’s not your fault” 

Matt grabs onto his shirt tightly, tears soaking the material under his hands. 

“I-I failed Fogs, I failed” 

“No, hey, no Matt you didn’t fail” Foggy tells him 

“He would be so disappointed in me Foggy” 

“Who would?” 

“Stick” 

Foggy tenses for just a moment before recollecting himself. It takes all of his willpower, but he does it. 

“Well he’s not here” 

“That’s cause I failed him too” 

Foggy sighs, silently cursing the fact that he can’t punch a dead guy. He’d definitely take a swing at him if he was still here. But unfortunately he can’t, so instead he’ll comfort the broken boy that the man left behind. 

“You didn’t fail anyone Matty, I don’t care what Stick said, okay? You didn’t fail anybody” 

Matt shakes his head weakly “You don’t know that” 

“Yes I do, I know that for a fact, and you wanna know why?” 

The other lawyer indulges him. 

“Why?” 

“Because even though you can be a pain in the ass, you’re one of the best people I’ve ever met, and you give everything you have to help others” Foggy says “So whatever happened tonight, it is not your fault” 

“I still wasn’t enough to save him” 

“I know buddy, and that’s awful, but you are only one person, and trying to save everyone will hurt only you in the end” 

“No you don’t get it, I wasn’t there, I wasn’t there and he died…he died because I wasn’t there to save him”

Foggy has to push past the turning in his stomach as realization hits him. This person dying tonight isn’t what caused this. Stick is. Matt still blames himself for not being there in time to stop Elektra driving a sword through his heart. 

He still remembers his friend’s broken voice as he said that Stick was dead, that she had killed him. How he let himself cry for less then five seconds before getting back to work. Of course this would still be affecting him, how could it not? 

“It’s not your fault Matt” he repeats “It’s not your fault” 

And it’s not. It’s not Matt’s fault that he was manipulated into thinking he owed that bastard anything. Foggy doesn’t care what he did to help him, because at the end of it all Stick left him more broken then healed. 

“I couldn’t save him Fogs..I-I didn’t save him” 

“I know buddy, I’m sorry” 

That was all there was to it really. Matt felt like he should be sorry for not saving the man, and Foggy felt sorry because he can’t do anything to change that. 

So he’ll just hold him. He hopes it’s enough. 

*** 

Matt remembers hearing from Foggy’s mom once that if you write a letter to someone (even without the intention of sending it) it could help with unresolved feelings. Now of course, the woman wasn’t talking about his ex-mentor, but at this point he’s desperately trying not to feel like shit about this anymore. 

He’s willing to try anything to stop thinking about the sound of Stick’s cane against the stone floors of the church, or the echo of his last breath as Elektra plunged her sword into his heart. He needs it to stop. Needs to feel something beyond the guilt whenever he thinks of him. 

So he grabs a blank piece of paper from the office before he leaves, and then takes a pen from Karen’s desk as well. When he’s home, he grabs the bracelet from his nightstand. He never found the courage to throw it away. Then he sits, and he writes. 

Dear Stick, I’m not totally sure why I’m doing this. It’s not like you’re ever going to know what it says. But I’m doing it anyway, just to feel a little better about it all. I guess the first thing I want to say is that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I wasn’t a good enough soldier, I’m sorry I didn’t meet all your expectations, I’m sorry I’m a waste of talent, and I’m sorry I wasn’t there. I wasn’t there when you died and that is what I’m most sorry about. I should’ve saved you, that’s my job. That’s what you taught me to do. 

When I think about everything you put me through, I’m not angry or sad, or anything really. I don’t know how to feel about you. My friends have been asking questions about what you were like, how you trained me. I never know how to answer them. I know what you did wasn’t exactly good, but I also know I wouldn’t be alive without you. I owe you. And I cared about you.

That’s the worst part of it all, is that I cared about you. I cared about you back when I was a kid, and you left. You left because you cared about me too, and that scared you. And then you came back, and you were the same old bastard I remembered from all those years ago. When you left again, the little boy inside me, the one you abandoned, screamed that it was my fault. That I still wasn’t good enough for you. 

But here’s the thing Stick, it was never about worth or skill, was it? You wanted a fighter yes, but I think deep down you chose me because you didn’t want to be alone anymore. It hurt me when you left, but I think that maybe it hurt you more. It hurt you so much that you sent people to spy on me, to try and get me back. And that wasn’t just for the war. It was because some part of your shriveled up heart missed me. 

Well, I missed you too. I think I still miss you sometimes, despite all the shit you put me through. I can’t really help that. It’s that childish need to be wanted, to be needed, that never really goes away even as you creep into adulthood. It was that childish need that made you stay around so long in the first place. And it was that childish need that made me let you. 

I am sorry, Stick. I can’t go back in time and save you, or change what happened with us. I hope that you're okay now. 

Goodbye. 

-Matthew Murdock 

Matt burns the letter the moment he’s done writing it. It’s not like he can really read it anyway. 

But there is a part of him that feels lighter. That feels better. 

Chapter Text

Matt was tired. Exhausted really. The type of exhaustion that seeps into your bones and makes it impossible to eat, to work, and oddly enough, to sleep. This happens every once in a while, where everything gets to be too much and he just……stops. He stops. 

Every time it happens he feels more and more guilty about it. And this time is no different. 

*** 

The first people to come are Danny and Colleen. They were going to go patrol together on Thursday. Matt didn’t know it was Thursday, and he also didn’t know how they got in without a key. Maybe the door was unlocked. He should probably fix that. 

“Matt? You ready to go?” Danny calls 

Two sets of footsteps approach his bedroom before he hears the door slide open. There’s a small intake of breath from one them. Or both, he’s not totally sure. 

“Matt? Are you okay?” Colleen asks 

Matt doesn’t answer. He’s not sure he remembers how, and doesn’t really care to try. A hand cautiously touches his shoulder and if he wasn’t so tired he would’ve known it was coming.

If he wasn’t so tired he would shy away from the touch. But he is tired. So very very tired.  

“Is he hurt? Should we call Claire?” Danny asks 

There was a hint of fear in his voice. Matt  doesn’t really know why though. Doesn’t understand why this a big deal. Although, he doesn’t understand much of anything right now. 

“I don’t think so” Colleen responds 

The hand moves to his neck, then his face. He doesn’t bother pushing it away. It feels nice, almost. Like an anchor, keeping him grounded to this plane of existence.  
 

“He’s not sick either” she adds

He thinks he might be sick, just in a different way. A way that can’t be cured with a good night’s sleep and some aspirin. This type of sick lasts forever, and there’s no curing it. 

He knows there’s no cure. His dad said it was normal, and Stick said he was just lazy. No one else really knows about when he gets like this besides those two. And they’re both dead. 

“Can you hear me Matt?” Danny asks, kneeling in front of him like Colleen was

He nods briefly, or at least he hopes he does. His mind is floating away again, in between the state of awake of asleep. Like his brain can’t quite decide what it wants to do yet.  

“Okay, good” the blonde murmurs “Are you hurt?” 

Matt slowly shakes his head. Because he’s not hurt, at least not in the way they’re thinking he is. Not any more then usual.

“Then what’s wrong?” 

Everything, he wants to say. But words still seem like a foreign concept to his over exhausted brain. So he stays silent.


“Matt? You gotta work with us here” 


He can sense the fear still and he feels like he should tell them not worry, that he’s fine, that it will pass. He doesn’t though, and he’s not totally sure why. 

“Come on man, say something, anything” 


He doesn’t. He can’t. 

“Danny, we have to go, if he’s not gonna get up then the Kitchen will need us more then ever” Colleen says 

“I don’t wanna just leave him like this” 

“He doesn’t seem like he’s about to die and we have a job to do, we’ll check on him after” 

There’s a brief period of quiet, not silence–it’s never silent. But for a minute there was this blissful quiet. 

“Okay ya, ya you’re right” Danny sighs “Matt we gotta go, I’m sorry” 
 

And then they’re gone, and the quiet is back. Good, he thinks, quiet is what he wanted. 
 

*** 

His mom is the second person to come, and it’s because he was supposed to meet her for lunch. At least, that’s what he thinks the reason is. He’s not even sure what day it is, let alone the time. If she is here then it must be Sunday.

“Matthew? Where are you?” 
 

“Here” he mumbles 

Since Danny and Colleen dropped by he has briefly found his voice again. He kind of wishes he didn’t. It’s more tiring this way. To have to tell people why he’s like this. He doesn’t even know himself. 

It’s more work to talk. More work for him and for others, to try and understand his makeshift, broken sentences that he pushes out through a dry throat and passed cracked lips.  

She walks into his room and stares at him for a moment before approaching the bed. She moved slowly, almost like she was afraid of what she’d find when he removed the covers from his body.


His mother doesn’t seem to know that he won’t do that anyway. He may have found his voice again but moving his body still seems completely impossible. Like all his limbs are sunken into the bed and refuse to let him up.  


She sits down next to him and swipes a hand over his head, gently smoothing his hair back and trying to check his temperature. When she realizes he’s not sick she sighs sadly. 

“You have to get up Matthew” she whispers 

He shakes his head “I can’t” 

“Yes, you can” she says softly “You have to” 

Tears sting his eyes as she pets at his hair gently. She lightly trails a finger down his face, wiping the tears away.

“I can’t mom, I can’t–please…please don’t make me” 

“Shhh okay, it’s alright, I’m right here” 

“I-I can’t do it mom” 

“I know kiddo……I know” 

He takes a shuddering breath, tries to calm the tears and the sobs building in his throat. It doesn’t work that well, and his mother can tell. 

“Is there something that brought this on?” She asks, rubbing her thumb back and forth across his forehead 

Matt isn’t sure how to answer her question. Because, no, nothing really brought this on. At least, not anything specific. Sometimes it’s just too much, and he can’t deal with it anymore. 
 

“It’s okay if there isn’t” Maggie says “I get that it just happens” 

“I don’t know” he finally answers

She sighs, probably disappointed. Or maybe angry. He can’t tell. 

“Alright” she responds “That’s okay” 

She leaves soon after that, he thinks. But he can’t be exactly sure how much time later. That’s okay, he doesn’t want to burden her with this so soon after they finally have a semi steady relationship. 

It goes back to being quiet again. 

*** 

It goes on like this for another few days, Foggy and Karen come, and so do Luke and Jessica. They talk to him, he sometimes talks back. Claire visits once to check him for injuries. Foggy brings his cases, Karen brings him food. Luke and Jess bring booze, but he doesn’t touch any of it except the food. 

It almost feels like they’re ghosts just wandering in and out to haunt him. But he’s dealt with ghosts, and they feel much more real. After a week (5? 6 days?) someone that he doesn’t expect shows up. 

Oddly enough, this person is the one who breaks him out of it. 

*** 

Frank has now gotten 7 calls, about 23 texts, and even a goddamn letter about Red. Apparently he hasn’t been out as the devil, or as Matt. Now, Frank doesn’t really care per se but he’s gotta admit he is a tad bit concerned. Red isn’t someone who just stops, hell he doesn’t even slow down. He didn’t even slow down when he shot the bastard in the head. 

He thinks about all these things as he makes his way to the guy’s apartment. After climbing those godawful stairs he is already surprised when Matt isn’t opening the door before he can even knock. Huh. He tries the door and it’s unlocked. Again, huh. 

“Red?” He calls out “Where the hell are ya?” 

When he doesn’t get a response he sighs and goes to the bedroom door, sliding it open. He sees Matt laying on the bed, turned away from the entrance almost like he’s trying to discourage people from talking to him. Well, Frank doesn’t give a shit. 

“Matt” he says “What the hell is going on?” 

The man doesn’t even flinch. Frank lets out another sigh. 

“Come on Red” he mutters “What’s the matter with ya?” 

Once again, the other man gives no indication that he even heard him. Frank finally goes over to the side of the bed not currently occupied and sits down in front of him. His eyes are open, staring unseeingly in the direction of the window. 

“Red” he says again, placing a hand on his shoulder “Talk to me” 

Matt doesn’t say anything, doesn’t do anything. In any other circumstance, Frank would be pissed, but the little shit clearly needs help, help with what? Frank doesn’t know, he’s not even sure if Matt knows. It’s obvious he’s in some sort of depressive state. Hey, he can relate to that. 

Him and Red ain’t so different, he thinks. They’re violent, aggressive, angry even when they don’t want to be. They were born soft but made cruel by the products of their environment, or maybe they’d just like to think that. He thinks back to the day Red found him crying, lying against a gravestone that wasn’t even his family’s. 

Red’s got gravestones of his own, Frank knows. He was there when that woman was gunned down on the roof. He knows about his father, the boxer. He’s sure there are others too. They’re both just broken men lying against a gravestone, begging for something they can never get back. But the thing is, Matt hasn’t lost everyone yet. Frank hasn’t either. 

“We’re not so different, are we Red?” He says “That ain’t a bad thing you know” 

Matt finally stirs, just a little. Frank takes it as a sign to keep going. 

“I’ve been where you are right now, I know you don’t wanna get up, I know you think you can’t” he takes a breath, squeezing Matt’s shoulder gently “But you gotta believe me that you can” 

“Frank…” he mutters “I’m tired” 

It’s a call back to that night:

Have you ever been tired Red?

It was that night when Frank knew him and the Devil weren’t so different, maybe not the same. But not so different. 

“I know you are Red” he says softly “I am too, but you made me get back up that night” 

Matt finally looks in his direction “I guess I did” 

Frank smiles, just a little “You did, and all your friends sent me to do the same for you” 

Red lifts his head, sighing heavily. 

“Why you?” He asks after a moment 

“I don’t know Red, I guess they thought I was just as stubborn” he jokes “Or maybe they knew I would relate” 

Matt sits up, slowly “Why are you here Frank?” 

He laughs “I wish I knew Red” 

“I’m serious Frank, what made you come here? And don’t say it’s because you were asked, we both know damn well you won’t do something don’t want to” 

“Well maybe I wanted to” he responds “I guess I’ve gone soft” 

This time, it’s Matt who laughs. And it shocks Frank so much he starts laughing too. They almost sound hysterical, just laughing at each other. 

“I guess you have” he says after they finally stop laughing 

“You ready to get up?” Frank asks 

Matt nods “Ya, just give me a minute” 

Frank goes out the main area and waits as Matt takes a shower and cleans his room up. After a while he comes back out, still looking exhausted, but with some life back in his eyes. 

“Let’s go get a drink Red, you can tell me why the hell you’re still taking cases pro bono even though we both know you’re broke as shit” 

Matt laughs “And deprive myself of meeting people like you? I’ll stick to what I’m doing” 

Frank smiles, and follows him out of the apartment. 

*** 

Matt doesn’t know why it was the Punisher of all people to snap him out of it this time. But when Frank came in, so stubborn and soft and real it made him think about that night so long ago. The night where Frank told him about the tragedy of his family, of the coma, and everything that came after. 

Have you ever been tired Red? 

Yes, he’s been tired. In every way imaginable, and so has Frank. 

No, they’re not so different after all.