Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

There was something about the six o' clock air that seemed to twinkle, not just from lights hanging from every house, but from the sheer aura of christmas that filled the air. In some little slice of suburbia, snuggled in front of a fireplace, Jevil whispered to to Spamton

"DO YOU THINK SAINT NICHOLAS WILL ARRIVE SOON?"

Spamton sat up straighter, no longer leaning on Jevil "YA KNOW I DONT GET THE [[whole shebang!]] WITH THIS SANTAN GUY"

"DO SAY, WHAT IS HIS SHEBANG?"

He put a hand to his chin "I DUNNO. WHAT HE DOES ISNT GOOD [Top ten business strategies to get rich quick]"

"IF IT WAS BAD BIDNESS SURLY HE WOULD BE OUT OF IT BY NOW?"

"RIGHT RIGHT [left] THATS WHAT I WAS THINKING! HOW DO YOU MAKE KROMER WHEN YOUR BLEEDING TOYS LIKE A [[Home]] STUCK PIG?"

"IT SEEMS ODD"

"IT SEEMS" Spamton paused for effect "LIKE A SCAM"

"NO!"

"YES! THAT [[Big bowl of jolly]] IS SCAMMING US ALL, STEALING BUISNESS FROM WORKING [9-5] SALESMEN!"

"THE BASTARD!"

"WE SHOULD [Kill] HIM!!"

"YEAH!!"

And with that final rallying cry, Jevil and Spamton stormed out of their house, About five feet into their holy crusade to kill santa they shot back to their house to grab jackets. As spamton pulled on his anorak he said "ARgh! WHY DIDN'T WE BY THAT [1997 Cungadero orginal] WHEN WE HAD THE CHANCE!?!!?"

"THEY COST MONEY, SPAMMY"

"oh" The only thing that could be seen of Spamton through the incredible fluff of his jacket was is nose. "WELL NO WAY IN HELL WE'RE WALKING TO THE NORTH POLE."

Jevil thought for a moment "WE COULD TAKE A BUS?"

"YEAH YEAH-wait. BUS TICKETS COST MONEY" Spamton threw his jacket to the ground, stomped on it and shouted "WE ARE NEVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO KILL SANTA!"

"BUT SPAMTON, WE COULD ALWAYS.." pasue for effect.. "MAKE MONEY"

A light went into Spamtons eyes, a good ol' christmas glow

"YEAH..YEAH!! LETS MAKE SOME [Wacky Stacks]1!" Spamton ran outside, then ran back inside to grab his jacket, then ran outside again. He was going to buy that bus ticket, he was ready to go to the north pole, he couldn't wait to kill Santa.

Chapter Text

The cold night air seeped into both of their bones as they stood, like sentinels, over a lemonade stand. The tip jar was empty as Spamtons soul, and the lemonade was starting freeze over. 

"COLD, REFRESHING LEMONADE!! ONLY [Three easy payments of 9.99] FOR A CUP," 

Spamton hollared to nobody but passing cars.

"SPAMMY, THE ICED LEMONADE IS MORE ICE THAN LEMONADE"

Spamton shoved a butane torch into Jevils gut "FIX IT THEN"

Jevil rolled his eyes, he hated when Spamton got prissy. He flicked the torch on and put the flame on the side of the lemonade. "SPAMTON. I DO NOT THINK THIS IS THE BEST WAY TO MAKE MONEY FOR THE BUS FARE."

"RIGHT, I FIGURED THAT OUT HALF AN HOUR AGO."

Jevil grabbed Spamton around the waist and hoisted him off his feet, rage burning in his eyes.

"THEN WHY DID YOU LET ME STAY OUT HERE, FREEZING MY TUCHUS OFF!?" 

Spamton looked down at Jevil, his smile relaxed "LOOK AT THIS." Spamton cracked open his nokia flip phone, which was at this point more duct tape then phone, and showed the screen to Jevil. "I GOT THIS PLACE INSURED," his grin filled with fresh malice "NOW WE JUST GOTTA GIVE IT THE OLD G.SPAMTON [Specil]" Jevil slowly set Spamton onto the groun. Spamton flipped open a matchbook, struck the match across the wood of the lemonade stand, and let it rest there. It glowed for a moment, before the whole stand went up in flames. The red touges of flame danced in Spamtons glasses, his face unmoving. Finally, after a minuite of flame staring, he walked towards the bus station.

"CMON' JEVIL. THE INSURANCE SHOULD HAVE SENT ME THE MONEY BY NOW. THEY'VE GOTTEN FAST AT THIS."

Jevil followed him

Chapter Text

A bus was idling for them at the stop, Spamton forced his way in, and caught the eye of the driver. 

"KRIS!" he bounded forwards to tussle the humans blue hair "HOW'S MY FAVORITE HUGH, MAN DOING!?" Kris pushed him away

"I have just become a bus driver." they said. Their head quirked to the right "Spam, did you get taller?"

"HAHA!  I KNOW YOU ARE BUT WHAT AM I?"  Spamton cleared his throat "KRIS, ME AND MY COMPATRIOT NEED A 1 WAY T1CKET TO THE NORTH POLE!" He put a hand on Kris's shoulder "And I know you can take us there." 

Kris put their head on the steering wheel. Spamton and Jevil could be fun, but not this late at night, not after this many bus routes. They groaned as they pushed themselves back up. 
"Spamton, I cannot drive this bus to the north pole-" static filled Spamtons glasses - "But I can take you to someone who can, okay?"

Spamton lit up like a tree on Christmas "THANKS!" Spamton shoved a fistfull of dollars into Kirs's chest "BUS FAIRE!" He sat in the seat right behind Kris, peeking over the seat so his nose jutted right into Kris's hair. Jevil sat on the outside of Spamton. He seemed spaced out, lost in thought.

The drive was long. The road spilled out infront of Kris, vingnetted by night and flurries of snow. Time seemed to melt under the endless parade of road and snow.  

"HEY KRIS."

"Huh-yeah?" they snapped out of their road hypnosis

"YOU EVER THINK HOW WE'RE KINDA LIKE BUSSES? WE ALL FOLLOW THE SAME ROUTES EVERYDAY. WE KNOW WHERE WERE GOING, BUT WE GO THERE ANYWAYS. EVEN IF. EVEN IF WE KNOW IT COULD KILL US."

Kris took a deep breath in and beat a rythm on their steering wheel as they rolled the thought around their head.

"I think," they said, "the metaphor would have been more pertinent if i was a train conductor."

Spamton slapped his forehead "DUH-DOY."