Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Connor was right, in the end. (There was a first time for everything, Shiv supposed.) “He’s also the only one still on speaking terms with Dad,” Kendall said, gazing at the messenger, a trashy tabloid from a Whole Foods, no less, “which means he probably already knows for sure.”

“I don’t know.” Roman lifted the cheap magazine closer to his face, as if that would improve the quality of the grainy picture. “It looks like she might have just let herself go a little. That’s not very- defined-“

“If it’s in the news, it’s true.” Shiv was already convinced. “We own the news. Dad owns the news,” she corrected herself, and Roman winced.

“Yeah, he owns the news, not the fucking- what is this-” He let the magazine fall back onto Kendall’s table in disgust.

“Well, no, he owns the most powerful media company in the country, which means he can get anything published anywhere, whether he owns it or not.” Roman had never been a direct target of this particular nasty trick of their Dad’s, probably, Shiv figured, because he created the most actual tabloid fodder of the group.

“Shiv’s right,” Kendall chimed in, although she wasn’t sure for who’s benefit, because Roman hadn’t even protested yet, and she certainly didn’t need to be reminded. He was perched on the arm of one of his chairs. Shiv marveled, not for the first time, at his ability to slump and balance simultaneously. “If it’s out there, he wants it to be.”

“Okay, but like- just ‘cause he wants it out there doesn’t mean it’s true. Maybe he wants to, I don’t know, create an illusion of youth?”

Kendall threw his hands up into the air, then settled his head into them. “Who fucking knows, Rome. Why are we finding out like this anyway? Don’t we have a Google alert set up for Dad?” He looked back and forth between them.

“Oh, right, managing your Google settings,” Shiv rolled her eyes, “how could I have forgotten? Here, just give me your phone, I’ll-“

She made a halfhearted swipe for it from the couch, more to annoy him than anything else, which he easily dodged as he headed into the kitchen. “Jess!”

“Do you think he’s fucking Jess?” Roman, another recipient of the genetic inability to both keep his mouth shut and use chairs properly, had sat himself down on the table, and was looking at her conspiratorially. “Like father, like son?”

“I don’t think you want to get into comparisons between fathers and sons,” Shiv warned him, scrolling through her newsfeed for any more information, “unless you want to get into the fact that you both went after Gerri twenty years apart.”

“I- fuck you.” Roman stood up and started pacing, and Shiv had spent enough time with him in the past month and a half to know that in a different life she might have felt bad for that low blow. “You’re going to be the world’s shittiest big sister, you know.”

“Shame I wasn’t born a boy,” she retorted, still only paying him half attention. “Because I’d have to settle for fourth shittiest big brother.”

“I’m an excellent brother, thank you very much.” Shiv was finding nothing in any of the gossip columns- had Dad really only chosen one tabloid? “Do you remember when I got that gum out of your hair in fourth grade?”

“You put it there in the first place!” Shiv remembered it vividly. “And you cut it out so badly that I had to chop my hair to my shoulders.”

“I got it out though. Plus, I made you eggs the other day.”

“You made yourself eggs, and then left them there to rot. I ate your leftovers.”

“Still.”

“Whatever. Speaking of shitty big brothers, if we really want to know- we should call Connor.”

“I can’t believe he didn’t tell us.” Roman had worked his way over to the window, and he twisted around to see her pull up her contacts. “I can’t believe I had to find out that I’m losing my youngest son title from a checkout line.”

“Why were you in a Whole Foods, anyway?” Shiv asked him as Connor’s phone rang in her ear. “Trying to get mugged?”

“It was- a thing,” said Roman evasively, which raised Shiv’s interests, although she still had no idea what he could have possibly been doing. “It’s whatever. It’s fine.”

“Um, okay,” she told him, eyebrows pinched. “we’re not done talking about that. Con?”

Someone had picked up the other end of the phone, although the voice was muffled and decidedly not Connor’s. “Shiv?”

“Hi, Willa,” she said for Roman’s benefit, rolling her eyes a little. “Is Connor available to come to Connor’s phone?” She tapped the speakerphone button, mostly to stop her brother from trying to get close enough to listen in.

“Uh, no, he’s not right now,” she said, causing Roman to stare at the phone almost cross-eyed in disbelief.

“Okay, well, it’s urgent, so if you could ask him to take a break from publicly threatening tax evasion, or using himself as proof that masturbation ruins your life-“

“He’s dealing with a family emergency at the moment,” Willa explained, and Shiv could hear her grimacing though the phone, “but I can take a message and have him call you back.”

Roman had suddenly gone two shades paler, and Shiv could feel her heart beating in her chest. “I- is it Dad? Willa?”

Kendall reappeared suddenly in the door, Jess trailing him. “Is that Connor?”

“Willa,” Roman says, just as Willa says, “Look, Shiv, Connor should tell you.”

“Willa? Why the fuck are we talking to Willa? Somebody call Connor.” Kendall had his phone out and on speaker before anyone can stop him, and the busy signal echoed from both his phone and Shiv’s, causing Roman to flinch.

“That’s his phone, Kendall, stop.”

“Willa,” Shiv said, fighting both the rising panic and the rising noise level, “I don’t know if you’ve forgotten, but family emergencies typically involve family, so unless Con has some secret family he’s neglected to tell us about- “

“Family emergency?” Kendall, coming up behind her, tried to grab the phone out of her hand, but she swatted his hand away. “Why wasn’t I informed? How do you know, Willa?”

Roman had joined him directly behind Shiv, and she had to fight the urge to stand up and walk away from them to gain some semblance of control over the situation.

“Connor told me?” Willa sounded like she would have expected them to guess that, which was fair, in Shiv’s opinion, although that wasn’t really what any of them had meant.

“I mean, do you even have a right to that information?” Roman had a hand on his hip and the other running through his hair.

Slightly offended, Willa offered: “Well, I am the future daughter-in-law, so- “

“Fuck, I can’t do this.” Roman turned and started walking to the kitchen, brushing past Jess, who quickly stepped out of the way. “I can’t fucking breathe.”

“Rome!” Shiv got up on her knees on the couch, finally giving in and handing the phone to Kendall. “Rome, get back in here. Dad almost dies every other week; you’re not used to this yet?”

“I’m used to being informed! He could already be dead.” Roman’s voice sounded shaky, and Shiv tried to gesture to Jess that she should help him, but she was also trying to keep an ear on Kendall and Willa.

“Willa, I need to know what the fuck happened to Dad. There’s, uh, there’s a lot at stake here, okay? So just- “

“Jesus,” Willa complained from New Mexico, “nothing happened to your dad, okay? But Con can’t deal with your- situation- right now.”

Roman, apparently cured by this information, reappeared in the doorway faster than Shiv had seen him move in years. “Dad’s okay? What is all this about? Ooh, did Kerry lose the bab-“

Kendall shushed him just as Willa said “Kerry’s pregnant? As in your Dad’s assistant, right? Con said he was-“

“We don’t know,” Shiv chimed in, reaching to take her phone from Kendall and getting denied. “That’s why we need to talk to him.”

Willa, apparently satisfied that at least the whole conversation had had a point, sighed. “I’ll have him call as soon as he can, but it’s a bad time.”

“Willa, I’m only going to ask this once,” Shiv tried, but Roman butted in.

“I will ask as many times as necessary. Tell us what’s wrong with Connor or I will call the IRS and have them go find out.”

“Okay, okay.” They had to wait an agonizing ten seconds while Willa took the world’s longest sip of some kind of liquid. “Just- be sensitive, okay? This is hard for him.”

“Willa.”

“Con got a call this morning,” she told them finally, and Shiv felt her breath catch. “from the hospital. His mom was going downhill, and she passed away a few hours ago.”

A stunned silence filled the room, the siblings glancing at each other, Jess looking on dutifully from the doorway.

“His mom is alive?” Roman said bluntly, breaking the silence in possibly the worst way, although they were all thinking it.

“Um, no,” Willa’s voice came from the speakers. “she died this morning.”

“Okay, um,” Kendall interrupted, and Shiv was grateful for once. “What- what can we do, Willa, what does he- does he need? Does he need anything?”

“He needs your dad to be here for him,” Willa says, a little bitterly, and it sucked all the air out of the room again, because of course that’s what he needed, Shiv thought, wasn’t that what they all needed? But they all knew how likely that was. Except for Willa, maybe. “but, no, I don’t think so. I’m sure he’d like you all to come to the service. Unless your dad is going to be there, probably. Sorry.”

“Um, okay, thanks, Willa.” Kendall looked off into the distance through the window. “We’ll- we’ll be in touch, alright? Just- keep him company and- I don’t know, someone will get down there, for the service.”

“Alright Kendall.” Willa hesitated a minute. “You guys all okay?”

Shiv certainly didn’t feel okay, considering she had never met the woman and as of this morning had believed she was already dead. She didn’t think she was alone- Kendall looked stricken, although he always did, these days, and Roman-

Roman was staring at the ground and seemed to be choking back tears.

Fuck.

“Yeah, yeah.” Kendall, having made the same assessment of their brother, met Shiv’s eyes briefly. “Hang in there, Willa.”

“You too.”

Kendall hands Shiv her phone back as the both turn to Roman. “You okay, Rome?”

“Yeah, sure, fuck off.” Roman, still not meeting their eyes, sniffed and tried to wipe his eyes. “Look, it’s not easy to think to see somebody else lose their mom so close to losing ours, okay? It’s good, I’m good.”

“You know Mom’s not dead, right?” Kendall signaled to Jess, trying to silently get his attention from the door, that he’d be there in a minute.

Roman waved his hands as if to say yeah, yeah, I know, and Shiv felt that tightness in her chest again.

“I mean- “ they both turned to look at her incredulously, but she plowed on. “She kinda is. To me, at least. Unless either of you are in a shockingly forgiving mood.”

That sat for a minute before Jess cleared her throat lightly and Kendall turned. “Yeah?”

“You have a pair of visitors?” She looked slightly concerned. “Security says they’re insisting on seeing you.”

“All of us?” Roman looked as surprised as Shiv felt, but Jess nodded, and Kendall sighed.

“Alright, well, who- who is it?”

“It’s- Marcia? And Greg.”

“Marcia and Greg?” Kendall stared at her. Shiv had thought Marcia had been out of the country for months now, but then again, she had thought Connor’s mom had been dead for decades, so people could surprise her. And Greg? “Well, send them up, I guess.”

They all waited directly in front of the elevator doors, a small military formation of disgraced Roys, preparing to face arguably the most regularly disgraced of the Roys, in combination for one night only.

Shiv wasn’t even sure they traveled together, because when the doors slid open, Marcia was on one side, regal as ever, and Greg was all the way on the other, gazing at the panel of buttons.

“A lot of buttons here,” he said, looking up to meet their eyes. “A lot of real estate in this baby.” He awkwardly slapped the elevator wall, then, too late, thought better of it, and tried to pass it off as offering his arm to Marcia, who had yet to acknowledge him.

“Yeah, great,” Kendall said, turning to look at Marcia. “Why are you here?”

“Kendall. Lovely to see you.” Apparently unintimidated by their little blockade, she strode off the elevator, and they dispersed slightly, heading for the living room. Shiv followed her brothers and stepmother, her cousin trailing her.

“Hey Shiv,” Greg tried, half smiling in her direction, his hand fidgeting nervously.

“Greg.” She offered him a brisk nod- she had no doubt he was involved in Tom’s betrayal, but she suspected it was more Tom’s fault than Greg’s. Her husband seemed to have some strange hold over him, which, if she was honest, puzzled her more than Tom’s own motivations. Shiv knew a lot of people who could be motivated by power, but not many who were motivated by an emotional attachment to a mediocre middle-aged businessman.

“Mondale, uh, Mondale misses you.” He took a few brisk steps to match pace with her down the hall. It was a miracle he had been behind her in the first place, what with the length of his legs.

“Mondale?” Shiv genuinely didn’t know where this was coming from. She wasn’t sure Greg had ever met her dog, who was really more Tom’s dog, if she was going to separate their belongings. Had Tom told him to say that as some sort of guilt trip?

“Yeah, Mondale? Your dog?” Greg blundered on past her incredulous head nod. “Yeah. I think he misses you. I mean, don’t worry, he’s not lonely or anything. He’s very interested in the cat. In fact, he might not like the cat that much? I’m not so sure if he misses you or missed not having, not having the cat.”

Shiv had been trying to eavesdrop on whatever Marcia was saying to Kendall (some sort of snide comment about how he didn’t look well) but that stopped her in her tracks. “Tom got a cat? Tom doesn’t like cats.” Shiv had wanted a kitten since she was a kid, but an aversion to cats seemed to be a theme amongst the businessmen in her life.

“Oh, yes! I thought you knew? Or, I mean, I guess it’s pretty recent. I don’t know so much that Tom got a cat, actually, it’s more like… like I got a cat? Although Tom did suggest it, and he helped me name it.”

“Is your cat in my house?” The front of the group had actually paused at the door to the living room, turning around to watch, but Shiv was busy thinking about Tom and his dog and Greg’s cat – but that didn’t make sense- “Are you in my house?”

“Right now? No, no, I’m here right now, um, but I guess I do go to your house, or, apartment, place of residence, you could say, legally, not practically. But I do, I do spend a lot of my time for rest, rest and relaxation. There. And that is my cat’s primary residence.”

Somehow Shiv’s level of anger had expanded beyond her capacity for feeling it. Kendall and Marcia were staring, Roman was snickering, and Greg was looking at her anxiously, as if she was about to tell him she was perfectly fine with him living in her apartment with her husband and her dog and his cat.

“Okay. Greg?”

“Yeah? Yeah.”

“Get your fucking cat off my property.”

“Oh.” Greg eyed his feet. “The thing is, I think, Tom likes her? And he’s the one that’s been living there, really, along with Shivvy and I, I guess? And she’s really clean, like, no property damage, she’s one of those hairless ones, Tom calls them penis cats? I-“

Shiv really thought she might pass out right there on the spot, the rage building in her head right behind her eyes. “What. Did you just say her name was?”

Greg’s eyes go wide. “Oh. Oh. Well. Her name is Frances? But I guess we call her Shivvy, like, as a joke, because she really likes hanging out in your closet, and her- skin, I guess- is kind of red like your hair? Also, she likes to meow really obnoxiously, and Tom said it reminded him of-“

“Gregory.” It was Marcia who intervened, which might have been the most gracious thing she had ever done for Shiv. “Let’s get on with the purpose of the visit, yes?”

“Oh. Oh sure, of course. Um, speaking of, Marcia, if there are any- legal, like, actions taken to keep me out of my current residence, do you think Uncle Logan and you might welcome me as a temporary guest? And, uh, and my cat, I-“

Marcia gestured into the living room, and Greg complied, followed swiftly by Shiv’s brothers. Kendall looked dumbfounded, and Roman looked like he just watched the world’s most entertaining circus performance.

So that was it. That was how it ended. With her husband playing some sick game of house with Cousin Greg, of all people, Cousin Greg who couldn’t even find it within himself to make a definitive statement, all while she fought tooth and nail for her birthright thanks to his betrayal.

She never should have married him. The Tom she had married never would have done it. He wouldn’t have had it in him. She had brought him to close to fucking Logan, the rotten center of it all, contaminating everything within his reach until there was no good left in the entire fucking hemisphere.

She knew she was missing something important in the living room, but she very legitimately couldn’t feel any of her limbs- maybe the image of Tom and Greg cozying up with a wrinkled, hairless cat they’d named after her as a joke had traveled from her ears to her brain and then right on down to the spinal cord, doing irreparable damage in each location. She could see Jess, at the end of the hall, regarding her cautiously, but she couldn’t bring herself to move or care.

“Do you need anything?” Jess hesitated, keeping a healthy amount of space between them, and thank God for that.

“No. No.” Shiv shook her head, glanced around, then down the hall.

Jess just gave her a grim smile, then offered the glass of water she had brought with her, which Shiv took an obligatory sip of, and promptly felt her stomach roll.

“I can’t- not right now.” She passed the glass back to Jess, and then steeled herself, and slowly but steadily stalked toward the living room.

Marcia was sitting up ramrod straight in one of Kendall’s chairs, silhouetted from Shiv’s perspective against the blank sky out the window. Ken was on the couch, staring at her intently, and Roman had figured out how to sit on the seat next to him, for once, although he had his elbows leaning on his knees. Greg had taken the couch across the table from them, and he was almost comically oversized for it.

“Shiv,” Kendall addressed her, turning quickly. “You- everything good?”

“Yeah.” Shiv avoided Marcia’s gaze but took a seat, giving Kendall her stoniest frown instead. “Did I miss anything exciting?”

“Apparently we will soon be a family of five,” Roman chimed in.

The numbers weren’t adding up. “Us and… Dad… and Connor?”

“Oh, I wasn’t counting Dad. Should I have counted Dad?”

“I think, probably, Logan and Marcia both count?” Greg offered. “And maybe also Kerry? And, of course, while I don’t expect it, I could see a world in which I’m counted, maybe? So that’s nine, I think.”

“What the fuck is going on?” Shiv asked Kendall directly, ignoring her cousin. Kendall shook his head.

“Well, Dad and, and Marcia, I guess, have decided to expand their family. Using… Kerry as a surrogate?” Kendall gestured to Marcia, who nodded stiffly, and Shiv probably would have felt her world fall apart in that moment if it hadn’t already.

“I- I’m sorry, this was planned? No way. You two are- geriatric, not to mention almost divorced.”

“Wow, Shiv, I don’t think-“

“Shut the fuck up, Greg,” Roman said for her, which was lucky because Shiv didn’t think she could look in Greg’s direction.

“Don’t confuse your father’s age with mine,” Marcia said. “I enjoy being a mother very much. I think this experience will be very rewarding for my children and I.”

“Is that it, then?” Kendall stared at her. “You- you don’t think any of us are good enough for the company, so you’re gonna run it until this new kid is old enough to? Or did Dad knock Kerry up and you don’t know when to give up?”

“I am not the one in the room with that failing,” Marcia lobbied at Shiv, and Shiv looked at Kendall blankly, feeling her brain register somewhere deep inside of it that she actually, truly hated Marcia.

“That’s it.” Roman stood up, pointing a finger at Marcia, and his other hand at Greg. “Let’s go. Out.”

Greg stood obediently; Marcia took her time, and looked around at each of them.

“Your father is getting very old. I would like him to know genuine love from at least one of his children before it is too late.”

That took the wind out of all of them, and Shiv felt like she had been punched in the gut for the third time that hour, but the guests left of their own accord, their homewrecker of a cousin daring to turn around and wave at them a little on his way out the door.

The sound of the elevator closing in the hall snapped them all back into action, and Kendall moved to stand next to Shiv. She could hear his quicker than usual breathing- was he high again? Just freaking the fuck out? Roman was pacing in a circle, both hands on top of his head.

“Shiv? Are you-“

“I’m-“ Shiv had no real desire to be sick on Kendall’s floor, so she ran to the bathroom, and when she was finished, he was standing in the hall, watching calmly.

“I’m sorry, Shiv.”

“Sure.” She wiped her mouth, then glanced around. “Mouthwash?”

He gestured at the cabinet behind her, and still seated on the floor, she turned around to rummage through it. “Is Rome okay?”

“No,” came the emphatic call from the living room.

“Figures.” Shiv found the mouthwash, and spit it back out into the toilet, unwilling to stand up quite yet, and possibly not able to. She didn’t really want to find out. She was trying not to think about Greg standing at her own sink at home, her own mouthwash, her husband-

“Ken, can I stay here with you?” She had been staying in a hotel since Italy, but she didn’t think she could face going back- it was a popular high-end honeymoon location, and every day the lobby was filled with rich newlyweds, doomed to drive each other to the brink of insanity.

“Yeah, yeah. Rome? You should stay too.”

“Um, would love to, would love to do that, except that I really don’t fucking want to.” Roman appeared in the hall, wearing his coat. “I gotta go run some errands, are you two gonna-“ he waved his hands at them- “self-destruct, or whatever, if I go?”

“Roman,” Shiv tried, staring at his foot tapping away even as he stood poised to keep walking toward the door. “You’re in a bad place, just- just stay?”

“Mmmm… nope.” He checked his phone. “I’ll come back though, tomorrow or something, we’ll figure out who’s going to Connor’s.”

“Alright,” Kendall agreed, and Shiv shrugged. “Give us a call.”

“Will do,” Roman replied, before practically bounding out the door.

“He looks bad,” Shiv groaned, resting her head in her arms across the toilet.

“I think we all do.” He glanced at her. “Do you- need anything?”

“I- no, not really? Do you?”

“Nothing I should have.” He shifted his weight to his other foot. “You can stay in that first guest room, okay?”

“Sure.” She tried to stand, testing her footing, and found it steady. Strangely, she felt calm- maybe she had reached her threshold for being upset. Her gaze settled on the contents of Kendall’s cabinet. “Do you- I’m going to have a guest over.”

“I- what?” Whatever Kendall had expected, it clearly wasn’t that. “Like- permanently?”

“I use ‘guest’ a little more traditionally than my husband.” Shiv gave her brother a thin smile, and she could feel a burning, furious confidence infusing her mind. “Just for the night. He doesn’t even have to be here for breakfast.”

“… Okay, Shiv.”

“I need to shower.”

“Okay. Goodnight.” His eyes seemed so blank, searching her face for some kind of answer- she wasn’t going to give him any. “You can- there’s all sorts of soap and uh, towels or whatever, take whatever, if you need… anything else, Jess is here-“

“I’ll be fine, Kendall. Don’t do too many drugs, alright?”

He shrugs, but given that he was probably the Roy sibling in the best shape at the moment, she lets it go. Closing the bathroom door, she shot Nate a text, and as she steps into the shower, she sees her phone light up.

ETA: 2 hrs.

Perfect.

Chapter Text

“Yo, where- where the fuck is Roman?”

Shiv smirked around the croissant she was picking apart. “Roman? You thought Roman was going to be on time?”

“Uh, yeah, it’s… fucking.. muster time, seven am.” She couldn’t help laughing to herself at his indignance. “That’s not… a joke, Shiv, I said muster time, seven am! That always worked when Con did it.”

“Sure, when we were five.” It was a good memory, Connor lining the three of them up in a haphazard line, balls of nervous energy tapping their feet and swaying back and forth, teaching them to follow his orders with a mock salute. It had probably also been a good way to keep them from causing trouble with Logan, in retrospect.

“What, so- I’m less respectable than President Tax Fraud?” Kendall checked his watch again and huffed. “You seem better this morning, at- at least.”

“Sure.” She kept her eyes on her phone, sipping her coffee calmly.

“Y’know, if- if you ever need, to- to talk. I could-“

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, we’re not that different, Kendall.” She rolled her eyes. “I don’t need to talk. Just- give me some time, and the occasional… distraction-“ She nodded in the direction of the door, causing Kendall to glance down at his feet again, the same way he had twenty minutes earlier, when Nate had acknowledged him briefly on the way out. “-and I’ll be fine.”

“Alright. Well. That’s- expeditious.”

She didn’t dignify the assertion with a response, partially because she couldn’t come up with one, but really, fuck him anyway. It wasn’t like he had any ground to stand on in the distraction department.

Thankfully, the silence evaporated as the door swung open to reveal their brother, decidedly not seeming better than he had the night before, with a slightly wild look in his eye and jittery hands already firmly planted on his hips.

He took a beat to absorb them both staring at him, then grimaced and marched over to perch on one of Kendall’s kitchen stools. “Alright, so are we gonna get this shitshow on the road, or…”

“You’re late,” Kendall muttered, and Shiv frowned.

“Roman, you look awful.”

“What are you talking about? I’m fucking awesome. I’m the best. Never been better. And you know what,” he spluttered, grabbing an orange from the display on the counter, but turning it over in his hand instead of peeling it. “Some of us have morals. We don’t all just fuck our problems away. Or was that not your little home-wrecker I saw downstairs?”

“Fuck off,” she spat at him. “It’s not like you could, even if you wanted to.”

“Okay, okay, can we- take it easy?” Kendall’s plea might have been more effective, Shiv figured, if he hadn’t been actively turning away from them and toward the wall as he said it, studying something on his phone. “It’s going to be a long trip, so.”

“How long can it be?” Roman was staring at the orange as if he had lasers in his eyes that were going to peel it. “We’re taking the jet, right?”

Kendall shook his head, and Shiv couldn’t help agreeing with Roman’s vocal protest.

“Those things cost a fortune to run, and, I mean, technically, we’re all unemployed, so… it’ll be fine. It’ll be fun. Family road trip. Classic Americana.”

“We’re hardly American, Kendall.” Shiv rolled her eyes, but of course Roman had to have the last word, even when she was right.

“I mean, we do kinda control it, though, which is pretty American. But we make the culture, we don’t, fucking- reenact it. And if we did, it certainly wouldn’t be this hippie, living-in-harmony bullshit-“

“The Great Depression is more Rome’s era,” she offered, prompting him to reach over in a halfhearted attempt to slap her.

“Look, we can fucking drive, or you two can blow part of your savings on the funeral of a woman that thought died thirty years ago, your choice. But I’m out.”

Shiv eyed Roman, because honestly, depleted savings sounded like a decent price for avoiding spending God-knew how many hours in a car with him, but he shrugged. “Whatever. Just don’t bug me, alright?”

“Yeah, sure.”

Shiv went to grab her bags from the guest room, ignoring her growing irritation. This whole trip was already off the rails, and they had just extended the travel time by days. If she had slightly less of her mental capacity left, she might have believed this whole thing was some sort of elaborate trick, because really, what was the point?

“Hey, you- you ready for this?” Roman appeared in her doorway, leaning against the frame, still twiddling with the orange.

“No.” Shiv pulled her blouse from the day before from its place, crumpled on the floor, and unceremoniously crammed it into one of the bags Kendall had lent her earlier in the morning. “You gonna stop being an asshole for the trip?”

“You’re just as much of an asshole, y’know,” he muttered in place of an answer, not meeting her eyes. “It’s a real treat, actually. Dad’s anger issues and Mom’s lack of emotions. Makes you great to be around.”

Shiv could feel the anger rising in her ears. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Yeah, that’s your whole thing, right? The worst parts of Mom and Dad combined into one fake little girlboss stereotype.” He sneered at her, and Shiv had to fight the urge to swing the duffel bag in his direction. She had the height advantage; she was pretty sure she could take him out, and maybe down a few pegs in the process.

“What would you know about Mom’s emotional unavailability? You’re the only one she’ll answer a call from!”

“Yeah, because I’m the only one who didn’t turn out exactly like Dad-“

“How fucking dare you?” Shiv tried to keep her face from contorting with rage- she had caught that expression on herself in the mirror often enough, and she didn’t think it would help her case. “You’re the one who pushed Ken onto the floor.”

“Oh, as if you’ve never wanted to do that. Sweet little Shivvy, never laid a finger on anyone-“

“I- yo, guys, c’mon!” Kendall appeared in the hall behind Roman just as he leapt backwards to avoid Shiv’s bag, and the brothers collided with an uncomfortable thud.

“Fuck, Jesus, Rome. Watch where you’re going.”

“Tell her to watch where she’s swinging her shit!” Roman gestured to her, indignant, but Kendall ignored him, and Shiv almost stuck out her tongue behind his back but decided against it.

“Are we ready to go? We were supposed to leave, like, an hour ago.” Kendall glanced down at his watch, as if he wasn’t a neurotic Type-A micromanager who already knew exactly what time it was, to the minute. Shiv rolled her eyes, but of course, Roman was too busy finally digging into the orange to commiserate at Kendall’s nonsense with her.

“Sure.” She pulled the bag over her shoulder, noting that it barely weighed anything- she had had a few travel outfits brought over from the hotel, and a dress for the funeral, but really, she didn’t have much. Roman wouldn’t have been hurt by it.

She’d have to find something heavier if he kept it up.

Resigned, she followed Kendall down the elevator, and Roman followed with his suitcase and his orange, the citrus smell already starting to give Shiv a headache.

“Alright, bags in the back, I guess.” Kendall popped the truck of a car Shiv had never seen before- it was an indulgent red, which was a bit garish, if you asked her, although she supposed Kendall did seem like the type to have a collection of cars that never saw the light of day. “I thought we might as well let this baby give her wheels a spin, if we have to drive-“

Roman had stopped dead in his tracks several yards away from the car, and Shiv hung back with him skeptical. “You’re joking, right?”

“What, do you not like it?” Kendall looked up; brows furrowed. “I have others.”

“What, no, the car’s- well, it’s hideous, but who gives a fuck? Where’s, uh, where’s… the driver?”

Kendall glanced at Shiv, like he was expecting her to answer Roman’s question, but she just stared back and let him take the defensive.

“I mean, it’s across state borders, and I’m not really using Waystar drivers, so I thought it’d be just the three of us.”

“Uh-huh. And which of us driving?” Shiv eyed him skeptically.

“Well, it’s- it’s my car.”

“Right.”

“Ken,” Roman started. His voice was a little too strained for Shiv to believe he was enjoying this, although he certainly was doing a good job of faking it. “You remember the whole… vehicular manslaughter thing, right?”

“Roman.” Secretly, Shiv was glad he’d been the one to say it- she hadn’t been too thrilled either, but at least she didn’t have to play bad cop.

“Wha- you’re not. You’re not serious.” Kendall looked between them, those sad eyes that had always given him a strategic advantage in full force. So irritating- the whole family had become immune to the effect years ago, but it never stopped him from trying. Or the puppy dog eyes were unintentional, which was possible even more annoying.

“I mean, he’s got a point, Ken.” Shiv eyed the car- it did seem nice. Expensive, at least. It probably had enough horsepower that unbalanced drivers with a pair of combative siblings for passengers shouldn’t be behind the wheel. “You don’t exactly have a sparkling track record.”

“I- you know what? Fine. You drive, Roman. I’m sure it’ll go better than that little joyride you took on that jet ski-“

“Jet skis are actually not comparable to land vehicles, thanks,” Roman scoffed, marching over to shove his bag in the trunk with more force than was strictly necessary. “Although maybe you need a refresher on what exactly floats.”

“You know, maybe this was a bad idea.” Kendall had a hand on the back of his head, watching his brother push past him and take the driver’s seat, then start messing with the controls at random. “We can- let’s just, forget about it, Connor’s probably a fucking mess anyway, he won’t even notice.”

Shiv pursed her lips for a second- it was tempting. She could agree, walk away from this shitshow and… go back to her hotel?

“No,” she announced, startling both of her brothers, who seemed to have been engaged in some sort of silent battle of wills. “Let’s just- go get lunch, calm down a little, leave from there.”

“I could eat,” Kendall said, staring at the cement floor as if it was going to agree with him.

“Sure, whatever.” Roman shrugged from behind the wheel.

“Alright, then.” She gave them another second, but neither moved, so she shouldered her bag and moved to put it away. “Shotgun.”

“I am not riding in the back.” She heard Kendall protest, as Roman snickered.

“Don’t worry, Ken, if I drive us into the river, you’ll have the best chance of escaping.”

“Okay, let’s go, Rome.” Shiv shut the passenger door, then impatiently pointed out the start button- leave it to Kendall to have a car with a fucking start button- to redirect him from the temperature control he had been trying and failing to activate.

“There we go,” he muttered, drumming his fingers on the wheel as the engine started up and the door to the garage was opened by- someone, who hopefully wasn’t within earshot. “Ready?”

Neither of them answered, but she wasn’t sure what he expected.

Chapter Text

It took just over forty minutes to get from Kendall’s to their lunch destination, which, thanks to Roman’s all-encompassing impatience, ended up being the very first GPS suggestion for “food” after Kendall’s third complaint about being hungry emerged from the back seat.

Never satisfied, Kendall wrinkled his nose as Roman slammed the car into park with all the inelegance of a man who never drove if he could help it.

“What- what is this? C’mon, Rome, you’re joking.”

“It’s lunch.” Roman popped right out of the car, stretching as if he had been driving for much longer than forty minutes, and steadily ignored the fact that neither of his siblings had set foot to follow him. “Driver picks the food, right?”

“I mean, sure, but why would you pick this?”

“Yeah, well, I’m not the one who’s hungry.” He smirked back at them, and Shiv groaned.

“You’re only driving because you’re the world’s biggest dickhead.” Kendall frowned, but any fight had already left his eyes as he surveyed the run-down diner built into the street front. “Whatever. Let’s- let’s go, Shiv.”

She bristled at that, because really, who did he think he was? Telling her to get moving from the backseat when he had taken exactly as many steps out of the car as she had. “Yeah, I’ll pass.”

“Shiv, stop being a spoiled brat and come eat normal people food with me.” Roman gave a cigarette butt on the sidewalk a little kick, the concrete making the first scuff on the toe of his shoes.

“You expect me to believe that you’re going to eat normal people food? You leave five-star meals cold on the plate.” Shiv scoffed, eyeing what she could see of the little roadside diner through the flier-plastered window.

“Oh-kay, fuck off.” Roman planted his hands on his hips. “Look, either get out of the car or let’s get going again.”

“Yeah, sure, but I don’t know if we should, like, leave the car here?” Kendall attempted to inject himself into the argument by poking his head between the front headrests. “Just on the street?”

“Well, hmm, that’s where all the other cars are, Ken, so, let’s go.” Roman slammed the driver’s door and bounded off, doing a strange little leap over a puddle of some unidentifiable liquid. When was the last time it had rained? There certainly were plenty of other cars in the street, Shiv could admit, although none anywhere close to as nice or attention-grabbing as Kendall’s, and in fact, maybe there were too many. How many people could fit in that tiny place?

She got out of the car, in the end, because Roman had already made his way to the front stoop and was tapping his foot impatiently at them, and she didn’t want to be the last one to get on board. That was never a good strategy.

“Shiv, you’re not really gonna-“

She shut her own door, effectively drowning out Kendall’s voice, and gingerly made her way over to Roman.

“Ah, look who decided to join me.” He glanced toward the car. “Is he coming?”

“I think so.” Shiv turned to watch with him; Kendall seemed to be making reluctant moves towards the door handle. “Did you really have to pick this place?”

“Oh, c’mon, it won’t kill him.” Roman shrugged. “And if it does, that seems to be what he wants anyway, so. Win-win.”

“Win-win,” Shiv repeated grimly, as Kendall’s slouched his way over to them. “Let’s stop loitering.”

It took entirely too long for the food to arrive, and when it did, Shiv looked at her sandwich, sad and small on a dinged-up plate, crammed onto a too-low table that had probably had all manner of disgusting goop wiped off it with dirty water, and felt her appetite completely disappear.

“Yeah, this is excellent.” Kendall looked up from his burger, if you could call it that, and glared at Roman. “The only good thing, about this place? There’s no lobster for you to order.”

“Well, joke’s on you, I’ve actually developed a lobster allergy.” Roman, who had been halfheartedly attempting to remove the cap from the single bottle of ‘diet cola’ that he’d ordered for himself, pushed it away, and stood up.

“Just lobster? No other seafood? That’s not a thing.” Shiv rolled her eyes as he inched his way out of the booth.

“Well, I break out in hives every time I eat it, so.” Roman righted a napkin dispenser he’d knocked over and headed off toward the back of the place. “I have to make a call.”

“Hey, you forgot you phone, dumbass,” Kendall called after him, but he didn’t pay any attention. “Great, Shiv, now you’ve done it.”

“Me? You brought up the fucking lobster, Kendall, I’m not sure why you think I had anything to do with it.”

Kendall pushed his plate away from him, apparently disgusted either by the food or the situation. Or, quite possibly, both. “Whatever. Look, just go… round him up, let’s get out of here.”

Shiv stared at him. “Go round him up from the men’s room? You do it! I mean, what am I to you, your assistant?”

“Shiv, would you- whatever. Y’know what, whatever. Just, take his phone, okay, go wait in the car.” Kendall didn’t meet her eyes as he slid out of the booth, the pleather making an odd swishing sound against his clothes, and Shiv felt a wave of anger rush over her. Why should he get to treat her like shit, just because he was fucking insane? She had just as much of a reason to be off the rails, if not more, but no, that was Kendall’s niche in the collapsing Roy family ecosystem.

“Um, yeah. I think I won’t go stand on the street until you decide to get your shit together, thanks, though, Kendall. Very thoughtful.” She didn’t make any attempt to lower her voice, and a nearby mother shot her half a look, which only increased when Kendall flipped her off over his shoulder.

“Jesus- alright, fine.” Shiv said, mostly to herself, before snatching up Roman’s phone and stalking back toward the entrance. She might as well get the car running. The sooner they got out of this godforsaken city, the better. The New York cynicism seemed to be running through her bloodstream at this point. Or maybe it was just her father’s.

She found herself coming to a stop on the stoop, though, and that was where her brothers caught up with her, however many minutes later.

“Shiv, wha- oh, fuck off.”

Before she could even begin to register the lack of a sight in front of her, Kendall was down on the sidewalk, spinning in circles like a chicken with its head cut off.

“I- wha- how? Roman?” He turned his fury to his younger brother, who had perched his hands on his hips at an awkward angle. His face was contorted in a way that meant he had fucked up and knew it, and Shiv groaned.

“Roman? Hello?”

“I-“ Roman spun around away from them, gestured at the empty spot where the car should be, and then glanced desperately back over his shoulder. “Alright, I’m not entirely sure I took the keys out of the ignition.”

Kendall’s eyes bugged out so far Shiv was a little afraid they’d slip their sockets entirely. “You’re, uh, you’re kidding, right? Ha ha, very funny. I mean- this is- really. Really. Hysterical.” He scoffed, surveying the pavement of the parking space. “Shiv? Care to comment?”

He wheeled on her, and she threw her hands up in the air. “Wow. Well, this has absolutely nothing to do with me, Kendall. Stop looking for someone to blame besides yourself!”

“Myself? I’m not the one who left the keys in the ignition-“

“Neither am I-“

Roman looked as if he thought that screwing up his face enough would cause him to evaporate instantaneously. “I’m not sure it’s anyone’s fault, really. I mean- it’s the government’s fault. Our taxes fund like half the country’s police presence, but they can’t keep one fucking car from being stolen.”

“Oh, yeah, Rome, what a progressive, down-to-earth take. Not enough police.” Privately, Shiv thought it was a little ridiculous herself- it’s not like there was anything else for police to do in this suburb than stop the occasional car theft- but she wasn’t about to let the one who actually left the keys in the ignition get away with that excuse.
            “Well, so what, I’m not a political candidate, am I? I’m a pissed off car owner with a stolen car.”

“Yeah, actually, Rome? I’m the car owner,” Kendall interjected, turning his attention from the asphalt to his brother. “You’re the one who owes the car owner a significant-“

“Blah, blah, sure.” Roman glanced around. “Speaking of cops, is anybody gonna, like, call them, or-“

“Tell them we left a seven figure car with the keys in the ignition on the side of the road? I feel like maybe the overgrown toddler who can’t be responsible for his things should make that call,” Shiv lobbied at him, hands on her hips. They weren’t even an hour into this trip- well, by travel distance- and they were already stranded.

“My things,” Kendall insisted, but Roman was already over whatever sliver of guilt he might have been feeling.

“Well, evidently they took my phone, too, so-“ Roman patted down his pockets for show, and Shiv rolled her eyes, handing him the phone she’d been holding in plain view since he’d emerged from the diner.

“You forgot it when you stormed off to take a call on a set of tin cans, presumably.”

“Fuck you.” Roman tapped his phone too forcefully a couple times before taking a few steps back towards where the car should have been. “Yeah, police? I-“

“I can’t fucking believe this,” Kendall groaned, resting both hands on his shaved head. “That car-“

“That you never drive and have five more of at home? C’mon, Kendall.” Shiv gestured back at Roman. “I mean, by all means, make him pay you, but don’t act like you’ve suffered some great loss-“

“That’s a nice car, Shiv, and we’re unemployed, in case you’ve forgotten-“

“Uh- come on. Unemployed multimillionaires, Kendall, it’s a little different. You could sell a single one of your watches and be fed for a year.”

“Well, unless you want this place to be where we’re eating, we need to stop bleeding money.”

Roman, pacing around on the sidewalk, circled back around to them. “Uh, I don’t fu- okay, Jesus- Ken? What’s the plate number?”

Kendall stared back blankly. “The- what? Of the car?”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Kendall,” Shiv groaned.

“Uh, yeah, duh, they need the- I’m getting it, alright? The cops want the plates.” Roman wrinkled his nose at the voice on his phone while Kendall scrolled through his frantically.

“I don’t- I’m not- I could ask Jess, maybe, it- it’s red? It’s red and really fucking expensive.”

“Oh, great, I’ll tell them that.” Roman pulled the phone back to his ear, then sighed. “No, not- just, keep waiting, okay, we’re working on it.”

“You don’t even know the make and model?” Shiv scoffed, watching him grow increasingly pathetic. “And yet this is an immeasurable blow to your assets.”

“Right, we all know Kendall’s an elitist asshole, but we’ve got some very impatient law enforcement officers breathing down my fucking neck, so-“

“You’re being very rude,” interrupted an unfamiliar voice from the steps of the diner, and they all spun to face the elderly woman in an apron who was glaring at them suspiciously.

Roman simply flipped her off and turned back around to continue arguing with the cops. Shiv cast a hesitant glance at Kendall, who seemed to have reached his breaking point and dissociated fully.

“Uh…”

“Ma’am, our car has been stolen,” she tried, although what little hope she had had dissipated immediately when that did nothing to ease the woman’s contempt. “Do you-“

“Was it right there?” She indicated at the empty space they were standing in with distaste. “Red?”

“Yes!” Kendall perked up.

Behind him, Roman glanced over his shoulder. “Does- do you know what the make and model was?” The woman ignored him. “What? No, I still don’t have the- where would I have found it? It’s stolen, it’s your job to find it.”

The woman frowned even more, and Shiv didn’t appreciate how it seemed to be directed at her. “That’s the fire lane.”

“What?”

“The space you’re standing in is the fire lane. You can’t park there.”

“Alright, well, our car was stolen, so, we’re not parked anywhere.” Shiv was fairly sure standing in the fire lane wasn’t prohibited, and even if it was, she didn’t see any fire. They had bigger problems. “Do you have security cameras?”

“No.” The woman gestured vaguely down the street. “Go down a few blocks that way. Otto’s Towing. Pick it up there.”

“Oh, wai- you towed it?” Shiv looked incredulously between the woman, who seemed unaffected by her shock, and Kendall, who’s eyebrows had climbed halfway up his forehead.

She nodded, then turned around to retreat into the diner, apparently unconcerned by the threats of legal action Kendall was now spewing at her.

“You- you will be hearing from our lawyers, and they’re very good. The audacity- we weren’t even in there that long!” Kendall met Shiv’s eyes, then turned on Roman. “Hey! Roman! Get off the phone, dumbass, you parked in the fire lane.”

“The what?” Roman looked over, obviously interrupting whatever the person on the other end of the line was saying. “There wasn’t any fire.”

“The- I don’t know, the no parking zone, or- they towed it!”

“Towed it?” Roman looked like he was disgusted by the very concept, and Shiv half expected him to start trying to bite her head off as if it had been her fault, but the cop asked him a question. “Wha- yeah, I guess- no, I’m not done here, I’d like to file a report of unlawful… towing.”

“Let’s just-“ Kendall glanced around, as if a car was going to pull up to save them from this hell of their own creation, but no such luck. “Head down the street and get it back, I guess.”

“Make them bring it here,” Roman muttered, clearly having been hung up on by the police, but Shiv ignored him, distracted by her phone, which had just buzzed in her hand. It was doing that a lot less now, without Waystar business to keep up on, but she almost missed the bad news from Frank or Gerri when she saw who the actual message was from.

Tom Wambsgans

iMessage

“C’mon, let’s move, before it starts getting dark.” She shoved her phone into her pocket- it’s not like there was anything urgent it could possibly be, anyway- and started off the street before either one of her brothers could argue.