Chapter Text
“You don't like him do you?” The young woman asked her darker counterpart.
“Not a bit.” she answered.
They were sitting on a make-believe bridge in the middle of nowhere. Their feet touch the water below them as they watch the moon being reflected on the fake ocean. They were in the fake palace in the young woman's mind, where she kept the entity she called Lilith, sometimes Hecate, other times, she even didn't know if there was a difference between them.
“Why not?” I asked her, resting my head on her shoulder.
“He is going to hurt us, in all possible ways, and you think you can suck it up but I know we will end up crying on the bathroom floor” She answered resting her head on mine.
“We should be fine, also he promised not to hurt us unless necessary” I reassured her.
“Your definition of necessary and his might be very different” She whispered and part of me knew she was right.
“You say that just because you like Chuuya better…” I whispered and she giggled like a teen with a crush.
“We both know that if he had made a move we probably would be in his apartment drinking fancy wine, wearing his expensive shirt with no pants, and being treated like princesses” She said in a whiny voice, and I just smiled sadly.
“I know, but it was imposible plus, he was the one that stopped answering our calls. He does not care about us anymore” my voice was soft and melancholic.
“Who do you think was the one who made the radio station play the same part of a song over and over again to let Dazai know Ango was coming, and let a duffle bag full of weapons on the doorstep? Chuuya is just too good, and that devil of yours is good at taking advantages” She said while poking the human part of her on the ribs.
“I do miss Chuuya, but I like Dazai, and for now that's how it is” I said to the woman beside me.
“For now” She answered back and pushed us into the sea.
◘◘◘
I woke up and I was in my room in my apartment. There was no Dazai in sight. I felt shivers down my spine and my head was dizzy, the fever had not gone down but it was bearable.
I stood up and headed to the bathroom. I washed my face and looked at myself in the mirror. The white streak on one side of my face has become two, now framing my face symmetrically. I sighed and heard the door opening. I got out of the bathroom and walked to the kitchen.
Dazai was walking toward the kitchen too, holding two bags of ice. He looked at me briefly before putting the bags in the freezer and a hand on my forehead. He was acting strange, colder, distant.
“What's going on?” I asked him while reaching to touch his arm slightly but he moved away, I frowned at his reaction.
“Nothing, I'm just tired of being by your side all the time making sure you don't get your freaking brain fried, but don't worry I'll get out of your hair so you can call Yosano and make out with her okay?” He said in a passive aggressive tone, more aggressive than passive. He made his way out of the kitchen.
“Are you jealous?” I said, raising my eyebrow, and holding a laugh. This is not the time to chuckle but seeing, the Dazai Osamu, being jealous like this, of Yosano, it's kind of funny. I followed him out of the kitchen and into the small place before the living room. He just scoffed.
“I am not jealous, I am perfectly fine!” He said, still angry, still not looking at me.
“I don't get why you are so angry, I obviously did not mean what I said to Yosano, we were just joking around!” I said to him, raising my voice a little, this was getting really annoying each second.
“ Oh so you go around joking to everyone like that ?! You know what, fine do whatever you want, you said it yourself, you are not my girlfriend!” he screamed at me, now looking at me.
“Well am I lying?!” I yelled back, and I felt lightheaded. I saw the little black dots you see when you are about to pass out. I tumbled back a little and rested my back on the wall that separated the kitchen from the entrance.
Dazai got closer and with one hand he touched my forehead and his other hand reached out for mine.
“The fever has gotten worse in your sleep, my ability its not canceling whatever is going on in your body, I brought the ice so you can take a cold bath, I know you will hate it but I don't know what else to do” He said to me as he pulled me into the kitchen taking the two ice bags out of the freezer and dragged me into the bathroom. I just felt like a rag doll.
“I don't want to do that” I said softly, looking down at Dazai who was filling the bathtub with water and dropping the ice cubes sitting on the floor.
“Then what? Do you want to die?” He said in an annoyed tone.
“Wouldn't you like that?” I asked softly and chuckled slightly.
He just stayed in silence preparing the bath, and I just watched him. He unconsciously undid his bandages so he could wrap them higher up to his forearms so he wouldn't get his bandages soggy.
I sighed and started to take my pants off.
“What are you doing?” He asked, looking at me with eyes big and a nervous stare.
“I am not entering a bath full of ice in pants and a sweatshirt” I said, raising an eyebrow and letting the sweatpants fall, Dazai turned to the ice water, looking away from me. It was weird.
“Shouldn't you wait until I leave the room?” He asked, still playing with the water.
“Um if I remembered correctly, you once called me a prude because I didn't want you to see me in my underwear even though that was my outfit the first time we met” I said, taking off my sweater and walking over to the tub. Dazai still didn't look at me, I thought by now he would be saying some awful pick up lines and sexual remarks, but he just looked away.
I dipped one foot inside and took it out immediately.
“Nop, I can do this, maybe death is better, is there a suicide method you have in mind?” I said looking down at him, he raised from the floor and sat at the edge of the tub. He started taking off his shirt and bandages.
“What are you doing?” I asked, confused at his sudden passion to get undressed.
He just kept taking his clothes off, even his bandages, and his pants, he was now in his underwear, he took off his bandages up to his thighs and then decided to look at me.
“We are going in” He said as he held my hand and we looked at the bathtub as if it was the edge of a 50 feet building we were about to jump off. And we did jump, not off but in, he hugged me from behind and held me inside the water, I felt like a cat, trying to get away from being showered. This felt horrible, my bones hurt, my skin felt like it was going to freeze and fall off. Dazai was trembling and so was I.
“You can get out, you know?” I told him as I noticed he was grinding his teeth.
“Not a chance, pretty eyes, I wont lose my chance to be half naked with you in a bathtub, even if it means I have to freeze to death, honestly now is kind of romantic, very titanic, don't you think?” He said, and I just pressed his arms closer to me.
“Are you not angry anymore?” I asked him, my voice a little shy. I know I did nothing wrong and yet I hate it when he gets mad at me.
“No, I never was, I guess I'm just mad at myself a little” He whispered in my ear. Both of our voices were shaky from the cold. I was distracting myself by feeling the little bumps and difference of texture on Dazai's arm counting his scars.
“I shouldn't have yelled at you, I am sorry” I whispered as I kissed his cold hands.
“I yelled at you first, so I guess I am the one to blame for the situation, you are really not my girlfriend” He whispered, and it made me frown, he was pointing that fact way too much, and I get it, he is Mister casual dating, he literally has a club of fans, and also stalkers, so if he doesn't get a formal romantic partner, its because he does not want to.
“Mmm…” was all I could answer. I was getting so annoyed, and a little sad, that I started to forget that I was taking an ice bath and my skin and bones feel like glass breaking.
'Just tell him, this is insufferable' I heard the entity whisper in my head.
Dazai pushed me and kind of turned me around by my shoulders, so I was now facing him. He looked at me weirdly, I could see him mutter something under his breath, meaning he was thinking.
“What game are we playing, Osamu?” I finally asked, looking at him. I had him in my apartment, inside my bathtub, without his bandages as if this was something natural. I want this. I want this. I want this.
He just kept looking at me, and I got frustrated.
“I think this is enough” I whispered and stood up to get out of the tub.
“This is nowhere near enough” He said in a serious tone, and then reached to pull me back down by my undies, making me sit down quickly in fear he would really take them off.
“What the fuck are-” I said angrily at him, and he kissed me. His cold hands cupping my face, his lips on mine with trembling breaths, he was pulling me closer to him by my hips and I stopped the kiss.
“No, stop. I can't keep doing this. I need you to tell me what exactly it is that you want from me” I asked him and my voice broke a little. I was tired, not of him. I know this man is not a walk in the park, and I am willing to take the risk and do the hard work, but it is tiring trying to get close to having something stable and then for him to leave me hanging.
He looked at me for a second, as if trying to see his options. The ice was already melting and the water was turning into a puddle of fresh water and unsaid words. I sighed and got up from the bathtub, this time he did not try to stop me he just looked away.
“I need you to know that I am not mad at you, but I think this situation we got ourselves in is no longer sustainable. I want you, I like you, and I think I can love you, I know what I want. That being said, I don't think you know what you want, and that's perfectly fine, I don't mean to pressure you in any way, but not having something certain is hurting me” I said in a soft voice, I was sad, disappointed but not surprised. Dazai did not respond, he just kept looking at the water while hugging his knees.
I reached down to kiss the top of his head and headed to the door, making a mess on the floor from the water dripping down on me.
“I think it is better if we take some distance so you can figure out what you want to do. Whatever choice you make won't affect our friendship or work relationship. And I will always care for you” I whispered to him softly and left the bathroom with him still in it.
And then I went to bed.