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Chapter Text

1:30 PM

ON A WEDNESDAY

PHILADELPHIA, PA

"I'm just saying Dennis, if Robert Downey Jr can do it in Tropic Thunder then why can't I?" Mac asked him angrily.

"Didn't you already agree that you wouldn't be Murtaugh anymore? Why are you going back on it?" Dennis asked in response.

"Robert Downey Jr did it! And people loved it!"

"Well it was different in tropic thunder ok? It-"

Their conversation was interrupted when Frank stormed into the bar, he was incredibly out of breath. "Fellas, I've got bad news."

"What is it?" Mac asked.

"Dee and Charlie are missing." Frank told them.

"CHARLIE IS MISSING?" Dennis asked in shock.

"Yeah, totally missing. It's like he vanished off the face of the earth or something!"

"Ok Frank let's not jump to conclusions here, did Charlie tell you if he was going anywhere?" Mac asked.

"No, he didn't. He said he kept hearing train noises for some reason and then he vanished! And guess what? Now I'm hearing them too!"

"Well I've also been hearing train noises, you know why? Because we live in a city and there's trains everywhere!" Dennis told him.

"I think he has a point Dennis, I've been hearing them and they sound very close. Almost like the noises are following me." Mac said.

"Mac, that is the most insane thing you've ever-"

Dennis was interrupted when seemingly out of nowhere, a train appeared in the middle of the bar. Something seemed supernatural about it, almost as if it was calling out to them.

"You guys are seeing this too, right?" Mac asked.

Title theme plays

THE BAR CAR

When Dennis came to, it took a moment for his eyes to adjust but he appeared to be in some sort of pod. It took him a few moments to realize that Mac was not only calling out his name, but was also right next to him.

"Dennis?"

"What- what?" Dennis asked, noticing the smile on Mac's face.

"Did we do it?"

"Do what? What are you talking about?"

Dennis then turned to his left and saw that Frank was also waking up.

"IT WAS A THREESOME WITH FRANK?" Mac asked in confusion.

"Jesus Christ Mac that is not what we did!"

"Where the hell are we?" Frank asked. The three of them now realizing that the pod they were in was in another bar.

"Oh, look who decided to show up." A familiar voice called out. They all turned their heads to see Charlie and Dee were there as well.

"Charlie! This is where you've been?" Frank asked.

"Wait guys, look at this" Dennis pointed out, noticing a tv screen inside the pod. The screen appeared to depict some strange looking ball creature.

"Welcome aboard, new passengers!" The ball said, "I'm your conductor, One-" "One."

"What kind of stupid name is one one?" Mac asked.

"Just ignore him dude, he's some stupid science bitch." Charlie told them.

"Yeah, shut up science bitch! You can't make us more smarter!" Mac followed up with. Dennis and Frank following up in agreement.

"He thinks these numbers on our hands will make us better people or something." Dee said, holding up her hand to show off a glowing number. Mac, Dennis, and Frank were all shocked at what they saw.

"Where the hell did you get that?"

"We all got them, look at your hand."

The three of them all looked at their hands in confusion, lo and behold there was that same green number that Dee had.

"Damn, this is badass!" Mac said.

"Mine is... high, like, really high." Dennis said.

"Yeah, I can see from here that it goes up to your farm!" Charlie said, taking another sip of beer.

"My what?" Dennis asked.

"Your farm!"

"What do you mean my farm?"

"You know, down to here!" Charlie then pointed at his forearm.

"Right, that's your forearm. It's not called a farm Charlie."

"That's what I said, isn't it?" Charlie was now asking everyone else.

"No Charlie, pretty sure you said farm."

"Farm Form, whatever. This bar has unlimited booze!" Charlie told them.

"What do you mean unlimited? Like it won't run out?" Frank asked.

"Yeah, watch!" Charlie demonstrated by pouring himself a mug, and then he poured 3 more for Mac, Frank, and Dennis.

"How is that supposed to show that it's unlimited? You just poured us 3 beers." Dennis asked.

"What, I'm not just gonna keep holding this thing down, that would take too long!"

"Yeah the only problem with this place is that we can't leave." Dee said.

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, see that big red door over there?" Dee pointed at a door with a weird looking handle on it. "Charlie and I have both tried to open it but it won't budge."

"Well of course you can't open a door, Dee." Dennis said. "What that door needs, is me." Dennis went over and tried to open the door, but it still wouldn't open.

"Wait wait wait, let me try!" Mac said, he went over to the door and tried to open it but it still wouldn't work. Mac and Dennis then started to try everything they could to open the door. Charlie took this opportunity to take the 2 beers he poured for Mac and Dennis, seeing that they probably wouldn't be drinking them.

"Running start Mac, get a running start" Dennis told him. Mac did exactly that and got a good distance away before running towards the door. But when he body checked the door it still didn't budge.

"You've been trying everything you can for the last 9 minutes, we already told you it won't open." Dee told them.

"Alright you gangly bitch, at least Mac and I have been trying anything we can to open the door while you three have been getting drunk!"

"Maybe we're not thinking about this correctly." Mac said. "Maybe there's a secret exit somewhere, I mean, this layout is pretty similar to Paddy's, isn't it?"

"Oh sure, like we're gonna find a secret exit somewhere!" Dennis told him.

"Well we can't just stay here and get drunk for the rest of our lives!" Mac shouted in anger.

"Why not dude? This is heaven! We have unlimited alcohol, this is a party!" Charlie said.

Mac knew how to convince Charlie. "Oh sure, and you're fine with never seeing the waitress again?" He asked.

"Alright lets get out of here." Charlie said.

"Oh come on! You're not actually gonna change your mind are you?" Dee said.

"Well Dee, there's no acting career in this bar and Frank, there's no whores for you to bang!" Dennis said.

"Alright Frank, get up." Dee said, and Frank got up as he was told.

"Now fellas, if we're gonna get out of here then the only people who can open that door are slaves." Frank said.

"Ok Frank, small problem, where are we supposed to find slaves?" Dennis asked. The gang broke out into a heated argument which was eventually interrupted by Charlie.

"MAC AND DENNIS ARE GREEN!" Charlie said, pointing to something above the door. They looked to where he was pointing and noticed 5 icons that weren't there before, each icon represented a member of the gang. Mac and Dennis' icons were green while everyone else was red.

"Charlie, did you know whose were up there?" Dennis asked.

"Yeah."

"Were you gonna tell us that they were up there?" Mac asked.

"What? They're just heads. They were red but now Mac and Dennis are green."

"Jesus Christ Charlie that is USEFUL INFORMATION THAT WE WOULD'VE LIKED TO KNOW ABOUT!" Dennis shouted.

"Wait guys, what if Mac and Dennis are green because they're completely sober?" Dee mentioned.

"Shut up Dee," Dennis said before turning to the gang and restating what Dee asked. "What if Mac and I are green because we're sober?"

"So what you're saying is, we just need to wait for these three to sober up?" Mac said. "Doesn't sound too hard."

1 HOUR LATER

"Is Mac crying?" Charlie asked as he and Dennis watched him curled up in a corner.

"At least he's doing better than those two." Dennis pointed to the bathroom where screams were heard.

"Listen Deandra, you have to be pure!" Frank demanded.

"Frank I am NOT going to let you cover me in hand sanitizer! That is not how you sober up!"

"The Reynolds bloodline needs to be pure! You've been poisoned by the Mathis bloodline!"

"What are you even talking about? I'm not even part of your bloodline!"

"Exactly! You need to be purified!"

As Dennis listened in pleasure to what was happening in the bathroom, he noticed Charlie grabbing a beer. The only person left to sober up was him so Dennis was worried about him making them lose progress.

"What are you doing dude? You're gonna make us all miserable!"

"Oh me? I'm not drinking this, I'm testing Mac." Charlie said before throwing the beer bottle at him which shattered about 3 feet away from him. Mac was taken aback by it.

"What the hell are you doing man?" Mac asked.

"I was gonna put the beer in front of you and see if you'd take it!" Charlie told him.

"SO YOU DO WANT TO TRAP IS IN HERE, DON'T YOU?" Dennis asked angrily.

"No dude! I thought his misery was from not drinking and I wanted to up his courage level!"

"YOU WERE GONNA RISK THIS WHOLE THING OVER MAC?"

"I WASN'T-" Charlie was interrupted by the sound of his icon turning green and the sound of the door unlocking.

"Oh shit, Frank! The door unlocked!" Mac yelled out to the bathroom. When Dee and Frank came out of the bathroom Dee's face seemed to be covered in hand sanitizer.

"What the hell happened?" Charlie asked.

"We were just having a little fun!" Frank told them. Dee shook her head in disagreement.

"No matter, let's see what's on the other side of this bad boy." Mac said, going over to the door and twisting the handle effortlessly. Only for the gang to be greeted by the last thing they expected. It appeared as if they were on some sort of train in the middle of a wasteland. The train was going fast as hell and the gang looked on in awe at what they were seeing.

"A train out in the middle of nowhere huh?" Dennis said. "Sounds to me like the implication."

Chapter Text

10:30 AM

ON A FRIDAY

THE UNFINISHED CAR

"Now this car is easier for us to handle, it's just a town filled with turtle people" Dennis stated. "Not sure about the dogs though."

"You know what I like about this train? We don't have to deal with politics!" Frank said.

"Yeah, it's nice that we don't have to worry about who's gonna blast us in the ass." Mac said. The gang soon stumbled upon some sort of speech from the turtle king, who was accompanied by a Corgi wearing a red crown.

"Everyone, Corgi and Turtle. While I have enjoyed being your ruler for these last few years, no king can last forever, and in my old age I believe it's time for I, King Aloysius III to pass down the torch. My colleague Atticus, ruler of Corginia, will be assisting me in overseeing the election between our two loyal candidates." The turtle stated

"It's goddamn politics." Frank said

title theme plays

THE UNFINISHED CAR HAS AN ELECTION

"Why do these guys have such complicated names?" Mac asked. "Who the hell names their kids Cornelius and Ishmael?"

"I have to say though, Ishmael... has some very interesting opinions about us passengers." Dennis said in response.

"Which won't matter, because they're gonna vote for me!" Frank told them. "I'm joining this election with Charlie as my campaign manager."

"Yep! We'll just need to talk to Asthma and Atlanta and we'll be in rip ripe shape!" Charlie exclaimed.

"Aloysius and Atticus." Frank corrected

"Apple and America?"

"Yeah Frank... as you can see it's probably not the best idea to have Charlie as your campaign manager." Dennis said.

"Seriously dude? Who's a better choice for a campaign manager than a bird lawyer?"

"Well Charlie, I don't see any BIRDS in this car filled with TURTLES AND DOGS!"

"Well maybe those Origami birds we saw need lawyers! They all looked like someone stepped on them!"

"Charlie will be my campaign manager, I don't need any of his bird law stuff." Frank explained, "However, I will need help from you two and Deandra to get me into this position."

"You're gonna bribe us to vote for you, aren't you?" Mac said.

"No, I'm not bribing I'm asking!"

"We're not gonna vote for you Frank!" Dennis exclaimed.

"Well, we'll have to see what Deandra thinks about my plan." Frank said.

"We don't even know if independents are allowed here." Dee said, "Much less someone who's not a turtle."

"Why not? Obama was president." Frank told her.

"That's entirely different... Look, I got an inside scoop on a little something, and I have a plan."

"tch, whatever plan you have will never work!" Charlie said.

"Actually Charlie, it will, because Frank will be the only person in on my plan so if you could just you know... back off."

"Frank? Why Frank?"

"Charlie, please leave." Dee demanded, and Charlie did exactly that.

"He has a point Deandra, why exactly is it only me?"

"Because if Charlie knows then he'll spill it to Dennis and Dennis is the last person I want to know about my plan."

"What exactly is this plan?"

"I don't know Dennis... maybe we should ask some of the townsfolk who they're voting for." Mac said.

"Don't say townsfolk Mac, you sound like you're from the middle ages... but yes we should do that." The duo saw someone not too far away talking on the phone that wasn't plugged into anything.

"Yeah sorry Janet, these two guys are coming over to talk to me... oh I don't know what they're gonna do. Ask me a stupid question?"

"Excuse me sir," Dennis said.

"Hey, can't you see I'm on the phone?" The man asked while turning away from the phone.

"You're not on the phone dickbag, that thing isn't plugged into anything." Dennis said angrily.

"Sorry about that, they're getting all pissed off now."

"Who are you voting for?" Mac asked.

"And now they're asking me who I'm voting for, I just know if I say the wrong thing-" All of a sudden, Mac grabbed the phone right out of his hand. "W-hey! Give that back to me!" The turtle said angrily.

"Oh what's that? You want your phone? Is that it? You want your stupid little phone?" Mac teased before then realizing he had no idea what he was doing. "Dennis what do I do next?"

"Why are you asking me?"

"Uh... I will throw this... into that hole! If... you don't tell us who we're voting for!" Mac said, pointing to a hole in the middle of the road which seemed to lead to outside the train.

"The mail hole? You realize how expensive that thing is right?"

"Alright shut up you." Dennis shouted. "I know you hear voices in your head all the time and think the phone will make the voices seem natural. I get them too! But we have one question for you before we send you to the psych ward, WHO ARE YOU VOTING FOR?"

"Wait, Dennis, hold on a second." Mac said as he lifted the phone to his ear and lo and behold, he heard a voice coming from the phone.

"Kevin? Kevin are you still there?" The voice on the other end asked. Mac slowly gave the phone back to "Kevin" as he walked away from them.

"Oh, and by the way, I'm voting for Ishmael." Kevin told them as he was leaving.

"Hm, does that mean we should vote for the same person or should we vote differently... how do we know if Kevin can be trusted?" Dennis asked.

"You have voices in your head?" Mac asked.

"Of course I have voices in my head, everyone has voices in their head! Mine are just louder than other people's."

"So, Mr. Reynolds, you're interested in running as an independent?" Aloysius told him.

"Yeah, and?"

"We have some questions for you." Atticus told him, as he insisted on also being there to talk to Frank. "First of all, you are aware that passengers are not allowed to run for a government position, correct?"

"That's uncivilized! What about that one guy-"

"Not just that," Aloysius interrupted with, "I fail to see why you have chosen to involve this gentleman here." Aloysius stated as he pointed out Charlie.

"Ah yes! The name's Charlie, bird lawyer, janitor, AND rat killer for hire!"

"Did... did you say bird lawyer?" Atticus asked, fear growing in his eyes.

"Yeah, I know everything there is about bird law-" Charlie was interrupted by Atticus barking at him.

"The birds are our sworn enemies! You two are spies, aren't you?"

"I told you not to mention the bird lawyer thing Charlie!" Frank scolded him.

"How was I supposed to know he would start barking at me?"

"Not just that, they are ruthlessly tormenting our allies, the rats. You being a rat killer isn't very appealing either." Aloysius told him.

"We don't need any spies running amok. Now make like a feline and scram!"

"...here's my business card." Charlie said before dropping a napkin with a stick figure drawn on it and leaving with Frank.

"Look what you did Charlie! now I'll never get elected!" Frank scolded him with.

"How was I supposed to know there was some race war going on?" Charlie asked, only for Frank to point to a political cartoon on a nearby wall which confirmed that there was a conflict going on. "I... I don't even know what that means, are they friends or something?"

"No Charlie- look, unless you have some sort of backup plan then lets get on to the next car."

"Actually Frank, I think I might have one."

"Mac, I don't know why you insist that we both vote for the same guy." Dennis told him.

"Well Dennis, you want to vote for Ishmael and I want to vote for Cornelius."

"Yeah, is there a problem with that?"

"Yes! We need to vote for the same guy!"

"Why? Why does it matter?"

"BECAUSE I DON'T LIKE DISAGREEING WITH YOU, OK DENNIS?"

A nearby turtle saw the two arguing with each other about the election and decided to give them some valuable information. "Hey, you do realize that passengers can't vote in the election right?"

Mac and Dennis were completely baffled by this, which prompted Dennis to ask "What is happening? Why are our rights being taken away?"

"Well, passengers don't typically stay in one car. So what's the point of letting them vote?"

"You know Dennis, I might have an idea." Mac told him.

"Oh yeah, what's that?"

Dee took note of him from across the bar. While she would hesitate to call a turtle person "attractive" this guy seemed perfect for her. She decided to make her move now and approached him.

"Hey."

"Uh... hey." The turtle responded, surprised that some woman decided to start talking to him.

"You wanna know something?" Dee said, "I'm here with like 4 other people and guess what, I have the highest number!" Dee lied, knowing that Dennis had the highest number out of all of them but also not realizing what having the highest number meant. "What does that say about me?"

"It means you're a bad girl." The turtle said. "You're lucky though, because I like bad girls." The turtle started to key in to her attempt at flirting.

"You like bad girls, huh?" Dee asked.

"Love 'em. The name's Eric by the way."

"Dee." She introduced herself, after a few seconds of silence she asked one question. "Wanna bang?"

"Hell yeah."

"Citizens of the turtle kingdom!" Dennis called out.

"We know you all may be having some trouble deciding who to vote for." Mac said.

"No... we haven't actually." One of the turtles said. "We all know who we're voting for."

"Well maybe there's some who don't. Which is why we're here to help you decide!" Mac exclaimed. "Dennis and I will be having a fight to the death!"

"If I win, then you must all vote for Ishmael." Dennis said.

"What, the racist one?" One of the turtles asked.

"Let us finish! If I win then you all have to vote for Cornelius." Mac said.

"We've said all we need to say, shall we begin?"

"We shall!" And just like that, the fight began... a fight which consisted of Mac doing karate moves towards nothing while Dennis stood as far away as he could as if he was gonna go in for a hit but never did. However, the fight was observed by a 2 other members of the gang.

"You know what Frank, forget the backup plan. I have a new plan." Charlie said as he approached the fight. "Excuse me everyone! I would like to enter this battle, if I win... then you must all vote for Frank!"

"What the hell are you doing Charlie?" Mac asked. "This fight is between Dennis and I, you can't just jump in."

"Of course I can." Charlie told them, carrying a plank of wood with nails in it. "One of those turtles gave me a new rat stick."

"Charlie, not only can you not join the fight but you can't use a weapon!" Dennis told him.

"Why not? Frank's gonna establish that any turtle will be able to open carry. We should do this based on what laws we're establishing!"

"Ok lets just slow down, Frank wants these turtles to open carry?"

"Not just pistols Dennis, also assault rifles!" Frank told them.

"...Where does that even come from Frank? Why do these turtles need to open carry assault rifles?" Dennis asked.

"Didn't we ask you to leave?" A voice was heard from the crowd, the crowd parted ways to reveal Atticus and Aloysius. "Are you two also acquainted with the spies?" He asked Mac and Dennis.

"What do you mean spies?" Mac asked.

"Well I told him that I was a bird lawyer, and then he started freaking out an calling me a spy! I mean, I don't even know how-"

"He really thought I was a spy, didn't he?" Charlie asked, now standing outside the car with the rest of the gang.

"Well I told you not to do the bird lawyer thing!" Frank said.

"How was I supposed to know they hated birds? Oh look it's a bunch of dogs and turtles they must be in the middle of a war!"

"Charlie does have a point, they never said anything about birds being Nazis." Mac said.

"Wait, is Dennis' grandpa a bird?" Charlie asked.

"No!" Mac and Dennis yelled at the same time, Mac was about to tell him that he just used Nazis as an example until Dennis interrupted with "I did not descend from a line of birds! I descended from Odin himself! My power is un-"

The group was interrupted by the door opening and 2 people coming out. It was Dee and Eric.

"Jesus Christ Dee, you brought one with you?" Mac asked.

"Yeah, his name is Eric."

"Huh, seems like this guy has a higher number than you." Eric said, pointing at Dennis.

"Well, maybe he did something in that car to get a higher number than me." Dee said, trying to hide her lie.

"Hm, you're still a bad girl to me. And I fucking love that."

The rest of the gang was confused by what Eric just said. "Did you two bang?" Frank asked.

"Oh yeah, we banged like crazy." Dee told them. Everyone in the gang except for Frank seemed to be disgusted. "Oh come on! I can bang a turtle if I want!"

"Oh, we're not disgusted that you had the audacity to bang a turtle, we're disgusted that Aidan over here had the audacity to bang you." Dennis explained

"My name is Eric."

"Right, we're disgusted that Michael had the audacity to bang Dee." Dennis corrected himself.

"Wait, so is Colin coming with us?" Charlie asked.

"I don't see why not." Dee said.

"of course, I get to spend more time with my squeeze and I know this whole thing in and out." Eric told them. The whole gang however noticed that Frank had a massive smile on his face.

"Frank, what are you smiling about?" Mac asked.

"We did it! We got the slave we needed so badly!"

Chapter Text

??:?? ?M

ON A ???

THE INFINITY TRAIN

"And then there's the last song on their debut album. The song is called train to nowhere, how could you guys not believe me?" Mac said.

"Mac, it's not that we don't believe you, we just don't care." Dennis told him

"What?"

"We don't care if your favorite gay musicians from Canada have been here before! What we care about is getting out of here!"

"Alright Dennis, here's another question then. Could you beat Ryan Akagi in a fight?"

"Of course I can! The golden god can defeat anyone he wants!"

"You didn't beat me in a fight though."

"That's because Charlie interrupted our fight-"

"Can you PLEASE talk about something else?" Dee asked them angrily.

"Just ignore them babe, let them talk about their lesser issues while we make some progress." Eric said.

"Shut up Ronaldo!" Dennis yelled at him, "What's behind this door?" He asked as they approached the door to the next car. They opened the door and were greeted with a room full of crystals.

"Woah... where's Charlie?" Dee asked, before then noticing him aggressively sniffing one of the crystals.

"Dammit, I can't get high off of these!"

intro theme plays

THE CRYSTAL CAR

"Now what do we have here?" Mac asked, noticing that the exit was too high up for anyone to get to. "How high would you have to jump up to get to the door?"

"You can't, there's no way for a human being to jump that high." Dee told him.

"Nah, I think with a running start-"

"I can reach it." Dennis said.

"Really bro? You think you can reach that?"

"You think YOU can reach that?"

Before their argument could progress any further, they heard a soft grunting noise coming from behind them. They turned around and noticed a crystal being waving at them.

"Have we met?" Charlie asked the creature.

"What the hell kind of question is that? When would you have possibly met that thing?" Dennis asked.

"I don't know man, I'm pretty sure this guy was at the bar once."

"Charlie, that is a crystal man with a top hat and a moustache. I doubt he was ever at the bar." Mac told him. Eric then approached the creature.

"Listen, bud, these fools and I need to get to the door that's up there. You mind telling us how?" The creature nodded before walking over to a purple crystal that was sitting on it's own. It then placed a hand on the crystal.

"So we need to place our hand on the crystal..." The creature then put a hand to its chest and raised the other in the air before pointing at Mac's chest.

"Oh my god... he wants me to share the word of the lord!" Mac said.

"Mac, I don't think that's-"

"Shut up Dennis, it's time for Sunday school!"

The rest of the gang was tired of hearing Mac attempt to recite bible verses from memory. "And the lord gave us the bread and the wine because he thought it would be really cool and... then the romans said no we feel like killing you so they rolled him up a hill and put him on a stick... why is the crystal guy crying?" Mac noticed that the crystal man was putting its hands on its face.

"Maybe he doesn't care for Christianity, maybe he's Jewish!" Frank suggested.

"Ok, well what am I supposed to do about that Frank? Spout a bunch of Hebrew at him?" Mac asked.

"Or maybe he doesn't want you to do anything related to religion." Dee told them both.

"Well Dee, I don't know what this-" Mac mimicked the same motion as the creature "could mean other than preach!"

"Maybe he wants you to sing." Eric told them. Everyone looked at him dumbfounded except for Charlie

"Singing eh? Now you're talking my language!" Charlie said before going over to the stone and putting his hand on it. "Alright fellas, how do you want me to serenade your ears?"

"Charlie, I've got this." Mac tried to stop him from stealing his thunder.

"Mac, preaching hasn't worked, let me sing."

"Charlie, you always get song lyrics wrong. Even if it is singing it should be someone else."

"What dude? Watch, I'll sing that song from those Chicken guys you like... you're on a train, and it's going to the no place..."

"That's not the lyrics Charlie! Watch, I'll get the lyrics right AND I'll harmonize better than you!" The rest of the gang was getting tired of them. "Train to nowhere... Train to Nowhere... Train to Nowhere... at least- HOLY SHIT." Mac was stunned that the rock started glowing.

"Did you do it?" Charlie asked.

"I think I did it!"

"Good, now the staircase will appear... why did the crystal stop glowing?" Dennis asked. Only for the crystal thing to do the singing motion again and point at Dennis' chest.

"I think I get it, you have to sing a song and then stab him in the chest!" Charlie said.

"Charlie, as much as I would love to stab some chests, that isn't what he's saying... Mac where's your shirt?"

Mac was standing there, shirtless and confident. "Clearly he wants to feel my muscular bod while I sing." The creature shook its head again, doing the same motion but this time touching its own chest

"Alright, which one of our hearts do you want dude?" Charlie asked.

"I got it, he needs a heart transplant!" Frank said.

"Oh my fucking god... HE WANTS YOU TO SING A SONG THAT MAKES YOU FEEL SOMETHING!" Eric told them. "I FIGURED THAT OUT 5 MINUTES AGO!"

"THEN WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING?" Mac asked.

"I mean... I wasn't 100% sure but now I am."

"You think we need to sing a song that will make us feel something? What do I look like? A middle schooler?" Dennis asked.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Eric asked. "Have... have you not felt anything since middle school?"

"That's besides the point, Charlie, you should sing a song that makes you feel... emotional." Mac said.

"Emotional... sweet Caroline..."

"Ok, you're going for happy emotions?" Mac asked.

"No, I'm going for sad."

"Charlie, sweet Caroline is a happy song." Dee said.

"Well I don't feel happy when I hear it!" Charlie said.

"Ok, try a song that has memories attached to it, like... your first kiss, graduation-" Eric started listing things off but Dennis interrupted.

"Or the time Dee and I tried to go on welfare." Dennis said, he didn't notice however that he had his hand resting on the stone and he heard a song start to play. "Wait, is it working?"

"Wait!" Dee chimed in, "Remember when we were trying to go on welfare and we were listening to this song?"

"Yeah but it's not that emotional... ah screw it!" Dennis said

ONE BIZ MARKIE SINGALONG LATER

It was rough, but the gang made it through the song. Suddenly, a giant creature made entirely of crystal came over and placed a new set of steps up to the door. He then unlocked the door.

"Well, we have no time to waste! We move forward!" Eric tried to lead the group out but noticed they were all arguing about something.

"Charlie, you did not get a SINGLE lyric right!" Mac scolded him.

"Dude, we still got out! These people don't care about accuracy they just care about spirit! Also I am CERTAIN I have seen these guys before!" Charlie responded.

"No Charlie, you haven't, because this is your first time on this train!" Dennis said.

"How do you know that, maybe he went when he was a little kid!" Frank told him.

"Yeah, if Charlie was here as a kid then I think he would remember that. Also Mac PLEASE put your shirt back on!" Dee responded.

The arguing continued, and Eric started to realize what king of group he was stuck with.

Chapter Text

8:00 PM

ON A THURSDAY

THE MALL CAR

"Look, all I'm saying is that this place is abandoned and if they decided to vandalize the place then we can do the same thing." Charlie said, trying and failing to write "Paddy's Pub was here" over a wall that had "Apex" written on it in spray paint. "Hey, is it ok if I bring this can with me?"

"No." The gang all said in unison. "We don't want you doing graffiti in other cars." Eric told him.

"Funny you mention that Ernesto, but that's not actually why we're telling Charlie not to bring it with him." Dennis explained. Eric was about to ask what he meant by that, but decided to keep his mouth shut.

"Hm... the especially trundle?" Charlie read off a book he found nearby.

"Charlie, that says the Esmoroth Trilogy." Dee corrected him.

"Riiight, right. This is book 1, rinsing the tooth kinks."

Eric leaned over to Mac and Dennis, "What is he saying?"

"Oh, Charlie can't read." Mac told him.

"Since when?"

"Oh we've been dealing with this problem for years Peter, trust me."

Frank then appeared from one of the rooms with some sort of backpack. "Guess what I found fellas!"

"It looks like you found a backpack with two... whatever those are attached to it." Dennis said.

"Well, watch this!" Frank then launched two harpoons at a wall. "It's a harpoon pack bitches!"

"Watch where you're aiming that thing dude!" Mac exclaimed.

"Well, I think we got all that we came here for, let's move." Dennis said.

The next car they entered was covered in leaves, the exit wasn't too far, but clearly there had to be something more to the car than just the leaves.

"Where's Frank?" Mac asked, only to notice him trying to ride a nearby deer.

"Riding a deer is way harder than it sounds!"

Intro theme plays

THE FAMILY TREE CAR

Frank was the only one getting up close and personal with the deer, the other members of the gang opted to stay away from it.

"Whatever happens, do not let Dennis go near that deer." Dee told Eric, "He's gonna try to get the skins."

"Wait, what?" Eric said.

"Yeah, honestly I'm surprised he hasn't gone for you yet."

Charlie was the second one to approach the Deer, "Does it have a name or-" Charlie was interrupted by the Deer shooting a laser at him.

"Oh shit dude! That Deer is badass we should bring it with us!" Mac said.

"Seriously dude? It just tried to kill me!" Charlie said.

"Relax Charlie, Mac is right! We should bring the deer with us." Frank said.

"Well we should make sure the owner doesn't see us first." Dennis mentioned, observing the Deer extend its neck to eat a leaf on a high branch.

"How do you know it has an owner?" Mac said.

"It has a collar on it, it says A.D." Dennis pointed out.

"No one can own that thing! it can't be contained!" Charlie shouted in fear.

During all their arguing, A.D. ended up falling through the floor and down to the lower parts of the tree.

"Well look what you did, you scared it!" Frank scolded the gang. Mac, Charlie, and Dennis went over to talk to Dee and Eric.

"Well, I don't think there's much else to look at here, should we move forward?" Dee asked. Little did the gang realize, but having their backs turned on Frank was a bad idea

CHAHLIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

"Oh shit, did Frank just harpoon himself down there?" Charlie asked in shock.

"He really wants that deer, dude." Dennis told him

"Well we're not gonna leave Frank behind... the deer yes but not Frank!"

"He's probably dead, Mac." Dee told him.

"No, we are gonna go down this..." Mac looked down the hole to see what they were on top of. "...tree, and get Frank back!"

"Frank! Where are you buddy?" Charlie called out as he descended down the tree. On the way down, he did end up coming across the last thing he expected.

"Oh, of course you're here. Why wouldn't you be?" It was the waitress.

"What are you doing here?"

"I don't know, and I doubt you know why you're here!"

"Well, Frank launched himself down to the bottom going after a deer that tried to kill me."

"Alvin Deer? He fell?"

"How do you know his name?"

"Well that's just what I assume AD stands for."

"Oh dearies, you mean our dear old Alan Dracula?" Charlie and the waitress heard a few voices nearby.

"Who was that?" The waitress asked

"I think those were southerners!" Charlie said. "We have to get out of here quick!" Charlie tried to climb up the tree but ended up falling to another branch. A branch with 2 faces on it.

"Oh honey, you don't have to be afraid of us!" The female face said.

"Is your name Sinister gullible?"

"Her name is Sinesta Gillicuty!" The male face said.

"Wilbur, please be kind." Sinesta told him.

The waitress surprisingly followed Charlie, but her reason had nothing to do with Charlie. "Did you say the deer's name was Alan Dracula?"

"Yes dear, given by our good friend Jesse Cosay!"

"Wait, I think I know Jesse Cosay!" Charlie said, "If we're thinking of the same person, then that dude is dead!"

"All I'm saying is that you never once told me about that little business venture you and Charlie had." Dennis told Mac, "I did warn you that opening up an imported leather shop in Arizona would be a bad idea and I think you're too afraid to admit it."

"Well that's because... some things happened."

"like... going out of business?"

"No Dennis, it's more like we killed a Native American boy... sort of... You know what lets just forget this."

"Mac, you cannot just say that you killed an Indian boy and not elaborate on it."

"Ok first of all, you can't call them Indian anymore, and second of all it was indirect murder. If anything he caused his own death."

"Tell me more."

"Ok fine... there was this kid named Jesse who needed a summer job, so Charlie and I offered him one. But while we were teaching Jesse how to use a saw on the leathers..."

"He tripped and fell?"

"He tripped and fell."

All of a sudden, Mac noticed his number went down.

"Oh, oh... that's- that's a curveball, what do you think that means?" Mac asked

"I guess confessing to murder brings your number down." Dennis told him.

"Oh, well now you do it Dennis!"

"No! What do you think I want my number to go down? The higher the number the more value I have."

"Ok Dennis, but what if it's golf rules?"

"No Mac, golf is for losers and I'm a winner. Golf is for people who have already peaked, golf is for people who will take 'no' for an answer-"

"And then Charlie had me sing this song that made me seem like I wanted to diddle kids, so as a compromise I put in my own song!" Dee told Eric.

"Well Dee, that shows that you know how to stand up for yourself. That makes me REALLY horny." Eric responded.

"Uh... yeah same."

You can probably guess what happened next.

"But you know, that's not the first time we killed someone." Charlie told the waitress.

"Oh, how wonderful."

"Well you see, one time we tried to turn Paddy's into a chain and it was going much good. But when we got to mini soda things went a little bit awry."

"You mean Minnesota, right?"

"That's what I said, you see you're not even listening to me right now! Anyways we decided to take a little boating trip in Minus yoda during our journey and there happened to be this redhead girl kayaking near us. Now this girl, she was eating an onion."

"What, like, raw?"

"Yeah! It was awesome! I finally found someone who does the same thing as me!"

"You eat raw onions?"

"Anyways, I wanted to have a little conversation with her, maybe become friends and invite her to the bar,"

"How old was she?"

"Why are you asking me that?"

"Because when you say invite her to the bar I have to know if you knew she was old enough to drink."

"Doesn't matter, I tried to start a conversation and she told Dennis that he looked like some internet dude. That's when Dennis decided to run into her kayak to drown her."

"Oh, so it was Dennis' idea?"

"Yep."

As they made their way down the tree, they heard a strange moaning noise, the answer to that strange noise was eventually answered

"Oh... hi Dee." The Waitress said

"Are you sure? I'm pretty sure it was your idea to drown the redhead girl." Dennis said.

"I'm telling you dude, it was Charlie's idea." Mac replied

"Ok, well what was the reason? Because I recall you doing it because she said you weren't a badass."

"Charlie... I don't remember actually. I think he just felt like it."

Further down the tree, the two of them thought they could hear Frank talking to someone. They made their way down there and low and behold, there he was.

"Oh, hey. I was just talking to the Trundleshanks over here." Frank told them.

"Ok, cool, have you found the deer yet?" Mac asked

"Say, you two haven't fallen for any of the Gillicuty propaganda, have you?" One of the Trundleshanks asked.

"We don't know who the Gillicuty's are, and we don't care." Dennis told them.

"He's over there." Frank pointed to a completely different part of the tree that the deer appeared to be walking up. "Yeah, it didn't work out between us."

When Mac and Dennis emerged with Frank they saw the last thing they expected. Charlie, Dee, Eric, and... the Waitress? They were all yelling at each other

"Woah, hey, what's going on here?" Dennis asked.

"And what's this piece of ass doing here?" Frank asked, referring to the waitress.

"Well as I was going down the tree I find none other than the waitress! We exchange some words with each other and then further down the line I find Dee and Dilbert doing the do!" Charlie explained.

"Really? There's a time and a place to bang such a disgusting creature." Mac said

"Oh alright Mac, as if you're any better than me when it comes to who to bang." Dee responded with.

"I was talking to Mark you bitch."

"ANYWAYS this whole situation has made me come up with my new years resolution." Charlie said.

"There are so many things wrong with what you just said." Dennis told him

"What I said was a good."

"First of all, how does seeing Clark reach a new low inspire this? Second of all, it's a bit too late to come up with a new years resolution!"

"It's never too late, I came up with my 2008 new years resolution in 2010."

"That is 2 years too late Charlie!" Mac said.

"Can I move on to my new years resolution?"

"Don't call it-"

"Mac, just let him say it."

"Thank you Dennis! My new years resolution-"

"Is it to leave me the hell alone?" The waitress asked.

"What? No! Why would I do that? My new years resolution-"

"Why? Why can't you just leave me the hell alone? You know what, I'm leaving Philadelphia. I'm never setting foot there ever again and you're never gonna find me! Ok?"

"Well... when you put it like that... Ok then, leave." Charlie told her.

The gang noticed both of their numbers going down. "...You're actually gonna leave me alone?" The Waitress asked.

"Yes."

Just like that, the number on The Waitresses hand went down to 0. Everyone watched as a door appeared, only for the waitress to step through it. Just like that she was gone.

"Hey... you doing ok Charlie?" Dennis asked him. "Your value went down a bit."

"I'm... my new years resolution is to return this book to the mall... because I can't read it."

"You know Lucy... maybe we deserve this."

"What do you mean?"

"We've stolen from so many people... maybe we deserve it back."

"Don't say that Grace, please. You said it yourself, that was the last memory you had of Simon." Grace and Lucy were the last 2 members of the Apex still on the train and they were doing their best to make sure everything they did was rectified. "We're not monsters Grace, we didn't deserve this."

Before Grace could come up with a rebuttal to what Lucy said, someone came in. "Oh... hi."

"Can I help you?" Grace asked.

"I took your book but I decided to give it back because I can't read Japanese." Charlie told her.

"...The book is in english."

"It is not, that is Japanese."

"Did you even read the book?"

"No! I can't read Japanese why would I read the book? You people are ridiculous..." Charlie stormed off to meet back up with the rest of the gang.

"Grace?"

"Yeah Lucy?"

"What just happened?

Chapter Text

5:00 PM

ON A MONDAY

THE RUNWAY CAR

"And for our last contestant of Sashay's runway, we have the magical, the majestic, the amazing... Dennis!"

Clothes off pose off theme plays

With elegance and grace, Dennis made his way out onto the runway. He was wearing an outfit the bore a striking resemblance to the dress he tried to sell to Fatty Magoo. Everyone else seemed to hate doing the runway but Dennis seemed to be loving it. While everyone else got a passing grade Dennis was the only one to get 10's from all the judges.

"And mind you, I still haven't peaked yet." Dennis told them as they were exiting the car.

"How long have we been on here?" Dee asked.

"What's wrong? Don't want to spend time with me?" Eric said jokingly.

"She does make a fair point, we don't know how long we've been here and how many big world events have happened. For all we know the Queen could be dead!" Dennis said, nobody noticing his number going down after he acknowledged that Dee made a good point.

"The queen?" Charlie asked.

"Yeah, the queen."

"What queen?"

"The queen of England!"

"You mean the president right? The queens went extinct they don't exist anymore."

"Queen, President, it's all the same thing really." Frank chimed in.

"Charlie, my car is ruled by a king." Eric said.

"He just wore that crown to feel better about himself, that wrinkly ass is a president." Frank said.

The next car they entered was a white room full of red structures, near the exit was a large clock with a bunch of colors on it.

"It's red O'clock!" They heard a voice say. Out of nowhere a tiny little creature that resembled the color clock appeared. "Hello friends and future friends, My name is Roy and I'm your boy. I'd like to welcome you to-"

Intro theme plays

THE COLOR CLOCK CAR

"Alright so our interrogation tactic seems to have worked." Dennis said.

"Yeah, we didn't have to do anything and he immediately told us that to solve the puzzle, we have to use teamwork." Dee told them.

The color on the clock then went to orange, and all the red structures disappeared only to be replaced with orange ones.

"It's Orange O clock! Hello and welcome to the color clock! My name's Roy and I'm your boy!"

"Oh shit, we've got a little fella here now!" Charlie said.

"Charlie, he's been here this whole time!" Dennis told him.

"Then why did he introduce himself?"

"I don't know!"

"Oh wow! A team of six! Remember, teamwork begins with two people trusting each other!" Roy told them.

"Well if that's the case, then we should all split into groups of 2." Dennis suggested. Dee went off with Eric right after he said that. Mac noticed that Dennis teamed up with Frank.

"Well, I guess I'm working with Charlie." Mac said, only to notice that Charlie joined the other team. "Charlie, Dennis just said teams of 2."

"...I don't even know what that means." Charlie said. "I wanna be with Frank."

"Teams of 2? You don't know what that means? Didn't you learn division in math class?"

"Dude, that's like, the hardest form of math that has ever existed."

"You know Mac, you're being a real bitch right now." Dennis butted in.

"Yeah, a bitch knows a bitch when he sees one." Frank added in.

"Frank, you just called Dennis a bitch!" Mac said.

"Hmmm, this doesn't sound like teamwork!" Roy exclaimed.

"Shut up bitch!" The 4 of them said in unison.

"You know Dee, your group of friends doesn't seem very... friendly." Eric said, dropping his "bad boy" persona.

"What do you mean?"

"Well, they seem to hate each other... you especially. Do you think that maybe you're in the wrong crowd?"

"Come on Eric, you're being ridiculous."

"Well... back in my car I had this group of friends, and to be honest your friends remind me of them."

"What happened to them?"

"I stopped talking to them, I didn't want to surround myself with toxic people... you wanna know why I try to act cool all the time? Because that was the only way I felt like I could fit in. The only reason I still do it is out of habit."

Dee took a few seconds to process what he was saying. She wanted so badly to tell him she didn't care but part of it resonated with her. Maybe the gang is the wrong group of people for her, maybe she needs to find someone who she can actually be friends with.

"Fitting in isn't hard for me." She told him, knowing deep down that that was the worst possible way for her to respond.

The wheel was on green at this point, and Dennis' team...

"CHARLIE, IT SHOULD BE EASY TO CLIMB A ROCK WALL!" Dennis shouted.

"Jesus... I think Mac might be doing better on his own" Frank said. "We're here trying to get Charlie up a wall."

"Absolutely not, Mac is definitely breaking down without-"

"I found the key!" They all heard Mac shout, they all followed the voice until they found Mac. "Wait... the lock is red but the key is green." Right after that the car then went to purple and Mac was locked in a cage.

"Right... this might be a problem." Dennis said.

"Yeah, I'm in a cage! That is a big problem!"

"No, the key thing."

"Wait, so the key and the lock are different colors?" Eric said, everyone being taken aback by him and Dee being there.

"Where did you two come from?" Frank asked.

"We saw Mac in a cage and we came to see what the fuss was about." Dee said, "What are we gonna do about the key thing?"

"We wait until the car is orange?" Charlie asked.

Before Dennis had a chance to ask Charlie why orange would work, Eric had an idea. "What if we were to combine Red and Green?"

"Ok Donkey Brains, how exactly would we be able to do that? Ask Roy to change the clock?" Frank asked.

"Isn't that what daylight savings is?" Charlie asked.

"Uhhhhh... I don't think so, but... actually I think it might be." Mac said.

"Not on the clock, but in our eyes!" Eric said, nobody seemed to know what he meant by that so he simplified it. "Are any of you colorblind?" The gang immediately understood what he meant. (Except for Charlie)

"No... if any of us were color blind we'd know by now." Mac pointed out.

"My hoor wife was colorblind, remember that?" Frank asked Dee and Dennis.

"Right! Remember that one time she thought I threw up on you were actually just bleeding out?" Dennis said to Dee.

"Right! When you used that metal baseball bat to-"

"Yeah we get the point," Dennis interrupted Dee with, "none of us are colorblind so... that might be a bit of a problem."

"Wait!" Mac exclaimed, "Dennis, do you still have that flashlight from the mall car with you?"

"Yeah, why?"

"I read somewhere that if you close one of your eyes and shine a flashlight into it long enough, you can make yourself temporarily colorblind!"

"Mac, that doesn't sound like a way to make yourself colorblind," Dee said, "that just sounds like a way to make yourself blind."

"Hey, it's worth a shot, isn't it?" Eric said.

The car was red again, and Mac's plan was going...

"Mac, stop bailing!" Dennis exclaimed. "You came up with the plan, why can't you just let me colorblind you?"

"It really hurts bro, my eye feels funny."

"Come on Mac! Don't be a pussy!" Frank scolded him.

Roy appeared again, and noticed their attempts at making Mac colorblind. "Hm... I don't see any trust here, and teamwork begins with-"

"Yeah yeah, two people trusting each other, I get it." Mac interrupted.

"Ok, maybe that's our problem, Mac doesn't trust Dennis enough." Eric said, "I can try it with Dee."

"57, 58, 59... 60!" Charlie finished counting to a minute, and Eric stopped shining the light in Dee's eye.

"It... did absolutely nothing." Dee said, "Mac, your stupid plan didn't work."

"Now hold on Dee, I don't think Charlie counted for long enough." Mac refuted with.

"What are you talking about? You said that a minute was 60 seconds so I counted to 60."

"Charlie... do you know how to count to 60?" Dennis asked.

"1... 2... 3... 5... 9... 48... 140... 2 again..."

"You know what I noticed?" Eric said, "You guys always put Charlie on tasks he can't handle. He can't read or write yet you always put him on those tasks. Are you even aware of Charlie's needs?"

"Well Tony, if you're so concerned about what Charlie is capable of," Mac responded, "Then fine, I'll give him something he can handle." Mac then did something that nobody else would've expected.

"Mac... did you just punch Charlie?" Frank asked, genuinely concerned.

"Yeah, because being in this place has made me realize how irritating he is, he-" before he had the chance to continue his rant, we was interrupted by someone.

"Mac... you did it," Charlie said, "You made me colorblind."

"What?"

"You punched me in the eye, and when I cover up the other eye I can see the green stuff!" Charlie said, he then noticed that time was almost up before it went to Orange and scurried up to the lock as fast as possible.

When he was almost there, he tripped and nearly fell off. He still had the key in hand but his other hand was gripping onto the ledge. The color was about to change, and help came when an unexpected harpoon landed next to his head.

"You still have the harpoon?" Mac asked Frank.

"Yeah, what about it?" Frank then was pulled to where Charlie was and helped him climb up. They both ran as fast as possible to get the key in the lock and made it at the last second.

That moment, every object in the car was now visible, and the rest of the gang met up with Charlie and Frank.

"Aha! You did it! Hooray for teamwork!" Roy appeared again, now with a deeper voice. "I don't think we've met by the way, my name's Roy and I'm-" The gang already left.

Outside the car, Mac took a moment to talk with Charlie. "Hey... sorry about that whole..." Mac then imitated a punching motion. "You know? I've just been... frustrated by all of this."

"It's cool," Charlie told him, "but... do you think maybe Napoleon was right?"

"About what?"

"My needs, you know?" Mac took a few seconds to think about what he said, but couldn't come up with a response. He just kept on walking, not realizing that something about him was changing.

Chapter Text

8:00 PM

ON A SUNDAY

THE CAMPFIRE CAR

"Charlie, you can't seriously be thinking of bringing that rock with you." Dennis said.

"I don't know Dennis, I think we should let him." Mac told him, "It's not everyday you climb a tree and find a glowing rock inside of it."

"We have found plenty of other things on this train that are far more interesting than a glowing rock!" Dennis responded with.

"Hey, if Charlie wants the rock then we let him have the rock." Eric told him, trying to find a sense of order in the group.

Before Dennis had the chance to berate him, it was Frank of all people who stepped in first. "Listen kid, the only reason you're here is to be Dee's boytoy. So shut the hell up or-"

"Or what Frank?" Dee stepped in to defend, "I'll have you know that every feature about him was designed to near perfection, chiseled by the gods themselves."

Dennis felt like there was something familiar about what Dee was saying to Frank. It was almost as if he had heard, or even said it before.

"His body was sculpted to the proportions of Michelangelo's David, you on the other hand... well you're a pit of despair. You disgust me! You disgust everyone! And- wait where did Mac and Charlie go?" Dee noticed that they were gone.

"They already left" Dennis told her.

"Huh... so this place is like a theater or something?" Charlie asked, "But... everything is destroyed."

"Hey Charlie!" Dennis shouted, "I think I found something interesting." Mac and Charlie came over to him and saw a broken sign.

EMPATHY GOES

JESSE COSAY

"Isn't he the little native boy who died in your leather shop?" Dennis asked.

"Yeah! He even had a metal girlfriend!" Charlie told him.

"Ok, first of all, he did not have a metal girlfriend. The metal part was you hallucinating and he said they were nonbinary."

"Wait... aren't we all nonbinary?" Charlie asked.

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"I mean, we're not computers. So I can't see why we're all binary."

"Charlie that's not what nonbinary means." Mac said.

"Just ignore him Charlie, it's a bunch of liberal nonsense." Dennis said.

"I mean, I don't fully understand it but if that's the way they are then... I mean I AM gay..."

"I'm very confused, are liberals actually computer people?" Charlie asked.

"Can we move on?" Mac interjected, trying to go back to what he was saying. "Second of all, he was not little."

"How do you know that?" Mac heard Dee approaching with Frank and Eric.

"How do I know what?"

"How do you know the little Indian boy wasn't little?" Frank asked.

"NATIVE AMERICAN! Also he was 16! That's not little!"

"Did he show you his penis?" Dee asked, growing more suspicious of Mac.

"No! Jesus christ! Charlie, you can attest to him not being little right?"

"Yeah! When he died in my arms he was about... this big." Charlie spread his arms out as far as possible.

"He didn't die in your arms Charlie!"

"Yes he did! And he was dating a metal non computer girl, I saw him kiss her! And it made me feel a little... you know."

"Charlie... watching two teens kiss should not be making you feel that way." Dee said to him, while Dennis gave Charlie a little smirk. Before the conversation could escalate any further, they were interrupted by someone.

"Could you please help us?" The gang turned around and saw a floating mask... well half of one anyways. "This place was destroyed by some very bad people... and we need your help bringing it back."

"What are their names? I have connections, I can track them down." Dennis told the mask.

"No... not like that. We need a performance... one powerful enough to bring this car back to normal!"

"Oh, I know exactly what we can do." Charlie told them, "You know exactly what we need to do."

Intro theme plays

THE MUSICAL CAR: RETURN OF THE NIGHTMAN

They didn't have any sets or costumes, but they were able to make do with a few props they found laying around. Just like last time, Dennis was sweeping the floor as the tiny little baby boy and Frank was sitting in his chair as the troll.

"BOY! My tosie wosie wosies are itchy  witchy witchy!" Frank expected Dennis to remember this time, but just like last time he stood there in silence. "Dennis, are you serious?"

"Oh..." Dennis replied weakly. "Master! Your toes... toes! I am not a boy!"

"Ok, this might not work." Eric said, interrupting the performance.

"What, we're still on the first scene and you want to abandon ship?" Dennis asked.

"No, it's just... I think there's something we can change... Charlie, Dee told me that Mac was supposed to be the main character."

"Yeah, he was." Charlie told him.

"Well... what if he was the main character?"

Next was the tiny boy song, but this time, Mac had Dennis' role.

"What is this strange feeling?"

"I feel so strange inside."

"It's so strange but appealing!"

"I feel good."

"You see, now we have something." Eric said.

"I don't know," said Dennis, "I don't like seeing Mac like this."

"I don't know Dennis, I think that Mac was born to play this role." Charlie told him, siding with Eric.

"Well it was your vision, so it's like the cards are all in the right place." Eric agreed with him.

"Ok Walter, if you're so sure that anyone can play the role, then why don't you do it?"

Mac was back in his role as the Nightman, and that's only because Eric begrudgingly agreed to be the tiny little baby boy.

"You came at the right time!"

"Is he sleeping?"

"Yes, he's sleeping! Right over there! Just the way you like him!"

Eric saw some red flags about what Frank said, but shook it off.

"Did you bring the toll?"

"Confound your lousy toll, troll!"

"You gotta pay the troll toll, if you wanna get into that boy's hole! You gotta pay the troll toll to get in!"

More red flags came up when Eric heard "boys hole", and he could tell something was off.

"You want the baby boy's hole, you gotta pay the troll toll, you gotta pay the troll toll to get in! Troll toll!"

"What you say?" Even though that was the right line, he was also genuinely asking what Frank meant by that.

"Troll toll!"

"Hey hey hey!"

"Troll toll!"

"Here's your toll troll."

The music stopped, Mac gave a bag of gold to Frank, and Eric saw more and more red flags.

"Your boy awaits!"

"At last, the boy's soul is mine!" As Mac started doing karate moves, Eric felt a bit calmer now that he knew it was soul. That's not to say he wasn't afraid at all. As Mac jumped up on the bed, Eric was about to panic.

"Give me that leg boy!" Mac grabbed his leg and that's when Eric broke character.

"WOAH, ok, Mac, what the hell are you doing?"

"Wait, did no one tell you about the rape scene?" Mac asked.

They all looked at Dee. "You didn't tell him that this was gonna be a rape scene?" Dennis asked, Dee simply shrugged.

"No, she didn't, because it's not a rape scene! I don't know why you guys keep trying to make it one!" Charlie was absolutely furious.

"Look, if you're gonna rape me then warn me in advance-" Eric suddenly had a great idea. "Dee, you said Charlie was molested as a kid right?"

"What? What did she tell you that?" Charlie asked.

"Back in the beach car when that Randall scammed Dennis into buying a pipe." Dee told him.

"It's a donut holer you bitch!"

"Well I wasn't Dee! And I don't know why you think I was!"

"WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY, is that this musical is very clearly a... mutation on Charlie's life experiences. So, why not have him be the main character?"

This was the final attempt at appeasing the musical car, and Charlie was now in the position of the main character.

"I got another itchy witchy witchy on my toesy woesy wosies! Come and scratch 'em boy!" Frank said. Despite that, Charlie said absolutely nothing. "I said, I got another-"

"We shouldn't do this." Charlie said, which confused the rest of the gang.

"What the hell are you doing? We're this far in and you want to bail?" Mac asked, peaking through the same window that nightman entered through.

"I... I made this whole thing just so I could propose to the waitress. I promised to leave her alone and... doing this just feels wrong." Charlie's number went down.

"Charlie, we don't give a shit about your waitress dilemma, If we don't finish this then we'll be stuck in this car!" Mac scolded him.

"Actually, hold on a second." Dennis had an idea, "Hey, mask guy!"

"Yes, traveler?"

"You said that the last group to come through here destroyed everything right?"

"Of course."

"...How did they get out?"

The group was silent, "Dennis... you're not suggesting what I think you're suggesting, are you?" Eric asked.

Song from the scene where Mac and Charlie beat up kids plays

Everyone except Eric and Charlie began destroying everything in the car. Even going after everything that was already destroyed.

Charlie and Eric just sat back and watched, Charlie in confusion and Eric in disappointment. Even Dee was destroying everything.

"Wait, I think I have an idea." Charlie said before approaching the piano that thankfully hadn't been damaged yet.

Eric wasn't sure if Charlie could even play the piano, but he decided to get the rest of the gang's attention anyways. "Hey, everyone!" Somehow it worked. "Charlie has a song to play, maybe that will get us out of here!"

"Charlie, if you play something about rape, rats, or spiders-" Mac was about to warn Charlie before he was cut off.

"Well they say the world's your oyster, man but oysters ain't for me." Charlie began his song.

"Oh thank god..."

As they left the car, they all had mixed feelings about how it went. Dennis was the first to share his thoughts. "So, we can all agree that what we just did was a massive waste of time?"

"Well... yeah, it was." Mac agreed. "We wasted all that time when Charlie could've just played his song."

"Well," Eric had a rebuttal. "We did learn, right?"

WE LEARNED NOTHING!