Archive of Our Own ^beta

The Yeerk has become a nothlit by now. Aximili knows this, because the other option is her being dead, and he knows Cassie wouldn't have allowed that.

He is at the scoop, this morning. He has just performed his morning ritual, and he feels... strange. He doesn't know how to feel. How can he swear to fight for freedom and independence, when he has had a Yeerk in his head?

Even the thought of it is terrifying. It has been his worst fear for as long as he can remember, and now that is has happened, he doesn't know what to do with himself.

Worse, he knows Cassie expects him to be grateful. He knows, were he to bring this up to her, she'd say, She saved your life. 

She'd already said it once, during the meeting.

Thing is, he wishes she hadn't. He would rather be dead than live with this knowledge, this intrusion. There is a Yeerk with knowledge of all the things he knows, of Andalite military secrets, of Aximili's personal secrets. What happens if she decides to go back? What if she'd decided to go back the moment she'd gotten into his head? What if it had all been a trap?

So much could have gone wrong. So much could still go wrong. And though he doesn't really want to admit it, Aximili is scared.

He does not trust Aftran 942. And frankly, he does not understand how Cassie can, how any of the others can. No matter what she claims, she is still a Yeerk, still fundementally a parasite.

Or at least, she'd started her existence as one. Presumed current form notwithstanding. Frankly, that is a whole other issue with this all. Aximili had agreed to follow Prince Jake's decision, as he often did, and therefore consented to Cassie's plan. He is starting to reconsider, though.

It was one thing to betray his people for his human friends, to break the law of Seerow's Kindness as he has by now done multiple times throughout his time on Earth. It is another matter entirely to agree to distribute morphing technology to a Yeerk, to the enemy.

Aximili wishes Tobias were there. Maybe he would not feel so terrible about it all, if he could discuss it with his shorm. But, Tobias has food to catch, and Aximili isn't going to keep him from doing what he has to do. 

Besides, he is not sure if Tobias would fully understand. He'd seemed open to the concept, during the meeting. And of course, there is his nothlit status to consider. Would he be offended, if Aximili were to express his doubts about the situation? 

Maybe, he should hope for Marco instead. He, at least, seems to agree with Aximili. And that does make him feel better. Marco, in general, is very good at making Aximili feel better.

Humor was hard to understand, especially when it came to humans, when the tells and hints he'd spent his whole life trying to memorize and make sense of didn't apply anymore. But, he was starting to get better at recognizing the patterns humans performed when being sarcastic. And that was largely thanks to Marco, for continuing to joke around with him, continuing to share human culture and entertainment with him.

It was nice. Maybe he really should go and find Marco, and-

Unfortunately, his thought process is interrupted by a flash of movement behind him. He focuses both eye stalks in that direction, and-

There's a person. A human person, walking towards him in the woods. Ordinarily, his wouldn't be cause for concern, given that his human friends visit him all the time. The problem here arises from the fact that Aximili has never seen this human before.

He doesn't think they've noticed him yet, or at least he hopes they haven't. He really hopes they haven't. If they have, they haven't shown it, which means they must be a controller. 

Aximili is only a few seconds into morphing human as fast as he can when the figure stares straight at him. He immediately reverses what little he had morphed. It's better to be in his true body, if he's dealing with a controller. And, if he's not... Well, he doesn't really know what he'll do then.

But it seems he won't have to worry about that, because the next thing he hears is, "Hello, Andalite."

The controller steps out from behind a tree, and now Aximili can see her properly. She is a girl, seemingly around the same age as Aximili and his friends. Long black hair, skin slightly darker than Rachel's and Prince Jake's, but still lighter than Marco's.

A stolen body.

"So I guess you really can't be sneaked up on, huh?" She says, with what Aximili assumes is some variation of human sarcasm, since there's an eye roll accompanying the words.

Luckily for him, that eye roll also gives him the perfect opportunity to bring his tail blade to her neck.

"Whoa, oh dapsen, calm down-" 

<Tell me one reason I shouldn't kill you right now, Yeerk.>

"Because it's me, it's Aftran! We're allies, remember?" she says, as if that was in any way obvious. As if Aximili had any way of knowing it was her, and not an enemy.

Not that he's ready to just accept her as an ally, either. Cassie may believe this front she puts on, but Aximili decidedly does not.

<Why are you here?> He asks, pulling his tail blade back. He doesn't particularly want to keep her alive, but he knows the other Animorphs would not be happy if he were to kill her. And of course, cold-blooded murder outside of battle isn't exactly the honorable course of action.

The Yeerk takes a step back, rubbing her neck. Unnecessary, considering Aximili hadn't even actually touched her.

She doesn't answer, just clenches her jaw.

<Why are you here?> He asks again.

"Because Cassie sent me," she replies.

<Why?>

"Why what?"

<Why you?>

"Technically I volunteered. I guess I didn't realize you'd immediately try to kill me," she says. Under her breath, she mutters something that sounds suspiciously like classic Andalite.

<You say that as if I had any way of knowing it was you,> says Aximili. The audacity this Yeerk has is franky ridiculous.

"Ah yes, because if it wasn't me, it would have been totally okay to go swinging your tail around no questions asked!" An eye roll, again. Indicator of sarcasm, again.

Aximili snorts. <Yes,> he says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world, because it is.

The Yeerk just stares. And then she sneers.

<You were a threat.>

"I wasn't attacking. I was civil."

<You are a Yeerk.>

She's shaking, minutely. She makes a few short, exasperated noises, gestures vaguely at Aximili, and promptly switches over to thought speak.

<No, I'm not. Not anymore.>

<Yes, you are. Your newly acquired status as a nothlit does not erase the circumstances of your birth.>

Aftran's fists clench, unclench, clench again.

<And that gives you the right to murder me?> Her fist squeezes tighter in on itself. Her thought speak has a hard edge to it.

So does Aximili's. <I am fighting a war against your people,> he says. 

<The Empire is not my people.> 

 Aximili is just about at his limit. <And why should I trust you? Why should any if us trust you?!>

"I helped save your life!!" she yells, back to speaking like humans do, with her mouth.

<You had no permission! All you truly did was invade my privacy!> he yells back. Distantly, he's aware this would be the point at which he would start crying, if he were a human. He is suddenly very thankful that Andalites do not possess tear ducts.

Aftran stomps her foot on the ground. "Let me say this again," she says, and Aximili would really rather she didn't, "I. Saved. Your. Life. Would you rather be dead?"

<Yes! Yes, I would rather be dead, than have you walking around with personal knowledge that doesn't belong to you!>

At that, she seems to freeze. There is a moment of silence, where Aximili can hear himself breathing hard, can feel the rapid thump-thump-thump of his hearts beating overdrive.

Aftran opens her mouth, but says nothing. After a second or two, she sighs and closes it.

<I would far rather be dead than to have gone through that,> he continues. <You do not know what it is like, to experience your worst nightmare, and then have people expect you to be grateful.>

Aftran blinks. "Oh," she says. "I hadn't thought of it like that."

It is Aximili's turn to stay quiet and stare.

"You know, I felt your panic when I was in there," she begins, and Aximili can tell she's about to continue. He doesn't really want to hear it.

Screw staying quiet, he decides, and interrupts her. <You are not making yourself sound any better.>

"Oh my god, I was trying to say I knew how you felt!"

<And which god is that? A Yeerk one? Aftran the first, goddess of infestation?> He is being deliberately provocative, he knows. He does not care.

"Oh, now you're just being bitchy."

<I believe I have a right to that,> Aximili responds. He doubts she can read Andalite facial expressions, so he packs as much anger into his tone as he can. <I could not care less if you know how I feel or not. Evidently you do not, considering you perceive this to be at all relevant.> 

"Okay," she says. Aximili isn't sure if he wants her to say more, or if he just wants her to shut up.

Mostly, he supposes he wants her to leave, and for this conversation to be over.

<So I ask. How could I possibly trust you?> 

She hesitates. "I guess you can't?" she says, and it sounds like a question.

<I guess I can't.>

They are both quiet for a long moment.

"I get how it was wrong," Aftran finally says.

Aximili just stares, waits for her to continue. Just as he begins to think she won't say more, she speaks.

"But, Cassie told me to do it. She asked me to help save your life, and I did. Not because I wanted to hurt you, or even because I wanted to help you, but because Cassie asked me to."

<That doesn't change the facts. That doesn't change what happened,> says Ax, because he is still hurt and still does not like Aftran and and he knows this will still haunt his dreams and nightmares. Because it isn't as if Aftran has told him anything he didn't already know.

"Sure, but it isn't my fault. I don't really like you, Andalite, and I don't want to be your friend, but if I am to exist within this resistance, we are going to need to be able to work together. You are going to need to move on."

<You were the one who chose to remain here. You could have left,> he says. She could have left this all behind, and she didn't. He should not be expected to feel sympathy for her. Not after everything.

"Could I have, really?" she says. "And besides, what's done is done. There is no use dwelling on the what-ifs."

But isn't there? Aximili was okay with this plan, okay with following Prince Jake as he has sworn to do, but he is beginning to wonder if maybe he should have said something.

<You are responsible for your own decisions,> he says, and he feels desperate. For this conversation to end, for an apology, for her to just leave.

Aftran sighs. "If you resent me for the choices I have made, I'll accept that," she says, and for a moment Aximili thinks maybe he got his wish. But then she continues, "What I won't accept is blame for things that weren't my fault. Not for Cassie's decision, not for the actions of the Empire."

Once again, Aximili stares at her in silence. He doesn't enjoy how passive he has become in this conversation.

"And to be clear," says Aftran, "I also won't accept you taking this out on Cassie. She did what she had to do."

That finally gets Aximili moving on the offensive again. <It is laughable how you seem to believe you know me,> he says. <You tell me to not 'take it out' on Cassie, as if she is not my friend, as if I have not known her far longer than you have.>

"That's not exactly reassuring. I've heard what Andalites are like."

Idly, Aximili wonders why it is his people who are considered arrogant by other species, when what he has just heard is possibly the most ignorant, offensive remark he has ever been on the receiving end of.

He doesn't even know how to respond to something like that. What he ends up saying is, <I do not enjoy the implications of that statement.> His voice is hard as a tail blade, a warning preceding a strike.

Aftran says nothing, just glares. Her eyes are a swampy color, brown with a green undertone. Her gaze is cold despite the ostensibly warm color.

They stare at each other for an extended moment, before Aximili remembers what she had said earlier, about Cassie needing him.

<What did Cassie want?> he asks, finally.

"She wants to go to the beach," responds Aftran.

<Why?>

"I don't know, to spend time together? Celebrate all of you not being sick anymore?"

Aximili supposes that makes sense. It does strike him as a very Cassie thing to suggest. It even sounds like it could be fun, if it weren't for the fact Aftran will be there too.

Well. Maybe he and Marco can go somewhere more discreet to complain about the situation together.

<I'll have to find Tobias,> Aximili says. Come to think of it, usually he would be back by now. 

"Rachel went to get him. They're probably on the way there by now."

<Ah.> Well, that explains that.

"We're uh, gonna have to walk to the beach together," says Aftran. She sounds like she's regretting being the one to come get him.

Aximili is regretting that too.

--

Predictably, walking to the beach with Aftran is not a pleasant experience. They avoid talking to each other most of the way, and Aximili spends his time wringing his hands together.

In his true body, he likes to calm down by signing various words and sentences to himself. Sign language, after all, is how Andalite language began, before the invention of thought-speak.

He's never lived in a world where thought-speak wasn't the primary form of communication among his people, but signing is still language he learned as a child, before he got his augmentations. His mother hadn't wanted him and Elfangor to get them as soon as they were born, so it had been a few Earth years afterwards.

And thus, he feels soothed by signing to himself. It reminds him of when he was a child, as well as simply giving him something to do with his hands.

Of course, in human morph, he does not have enough fingers for most words. In his free time, he has come up with some alternative versions of phrases, ones that can be pronounced with human hands. Still, it is not much, so most of the time he just fiddles meaninglessly.

It helps, but not quite as much as truly signing, and-

And again, Aftran interrupts his thought process.

"Could you stop that!?" she snaps, and it takes Aximili a moment to realize what she means.

When he does, he can't help the way blood rushes to his face. He's been making mouth sounds under his breath, playing with them the way he often does when speaking out loud in human morph.

"Oh," he says. "Sorry. Sor-ryy. Rie."

"You can't say sorry and then just continue to do it," Aftran says.

"I don't actually care," says Ax, and then purely out of spite, adds, "Tually. Act-tual. Ly."

"Oh, can you just shut up?" she sighs. "It's really distracting."

He sighs back at her.

In thought-speak, he tells her, <I suppose, if you are to exist in this resistance, you will have to get over it.> He can't help but be slightly smug about it.

The face Aftran makes could be described as 'long-suffering'. <Touche,> she says.

Regardless, Aximili does stop doing it. Not for Aftran's sake, but because he didn't mean to in the first place, and it does strike him as a bit undignified to be doing things without even realizing. He'll have to work on his self-control.

They continue walking. 

--

Meeting up at the beach, they argue about who had the worst time with the yamphut. Ax maintains it was easily him, considering he was briefly a controller.

Aftran gives him a nasty look when he says that, but he doesn't particularly care. What he's more concerned about is the way Cassie looks at him.

She doesn't seem angry, just... Ax can't describe it. He's still not as good at interpreting human facial expressions as he'd like to be.

Luckily, she doesn't say anything, and soon the group is fragmenting a bit. Cassie and Aftran, along with Prince Jake, walk towards the water.

Tobias circles overhead. <I'm gonna go to the dressing rooms to morph, is anyone else coming?>

Ax nods. <We can wait outside for you,> he says.

"We? I didn't agree to this," says Marco, even though he's already walking towards the dressing room building. Sometimes, Marco will act like he opposes something, but then go through with it anyway. He calls it the principle of the thing.

Ax doesn't quite get it, but he has gotten used to it in his time on Earth.

They come to a stop outside the building. Ax considers if now would be a good time to bring up Aftran to Marco. But, Rachel is there, and she had seemed supportive during the meeting...

<Marco,> he says, in private thought-speak. <Can we talk? Alone. About the... situation.>

Marco turns to look at him, raising his eyebrows slightly. He vaguely gestures to Rachel, standing right there.

"You know, if you're trying to have some super secret conversation, you could just ask me to leave," she says.

"No, no," says Marco. "Do you wanna shit-talk Aftran with us?"

Ax turns around to stare at him.

Marco shrugs. "What?"

Rachel looks uninterested, but says, "I'm giving her a chance."

"Oh come on, she's a Yeerk!" says Marco.

"I don't trust her," adds Ax.

Rachel sighs. "I don't fully, either," she says, "But Cassie does. And I'm willing to trust her judgement with this one."

"I'm still uncomfortable with it," Ax says. "Ortable. Fort-abel. Ab-el."

"Yep," says Marco, popping the p. "What happens if she gets homesick? Bye-bye Animorphs, that's what."

"She probably won't," argues Rachel.

"Sure, but what if? Or what if she gets captured and made a Controller?"

Ax hadn't even thought about that. By the looks of it, Rachel might not have, either.

"We'll just have to make sure that doesn't happen. The same way we've made sure none of us got captured."

Ax is just about to point out how many close calls they've had, but that's when Tobias walks out of the changing rooms.

"Hey, guys. What's the discussion?"

"Shit-talking Aftran, apparently," replies Rachel.

Very deliberately, Tobias blinks. "Oh, I see."

"I simply do not know how to- proc-ess. Process. The situation," Ax says. That seems like a more accurate portrayal of the conversation to him.

Privately, Tobias asks, <Hey, Ax-man, do you wanna talk about it?>

He is about to say maybe, when Marco nudges him.

"Incoming," he says, and when Ax turns, he sees Aftran, Cassie and Prince Jake approaching.

"Hi again," says Aftran.

Rachel and Tobias say it back. Marco and Ax do not.

It's Cassie who pulls Ax aside, softly tells him, "We need to talk."

He grimaces, but allows her to lead him a bit away from the main group.

She gets straight into it. "Ax, what is up with you?"

"I am uncomfortable," he says. He doesn't see the point in telling her he's not. It's obvious, regardless.

Cassie sighs. "I understand that," she says, "But can you at least try? Please?"

He grinds his teeth together. "I am trying. Ing."

He considers adding that in his opinion, it is Aftran who's not trying, but decides against it.

"Ax, what is your biggest problem here? With the whole situation?"

He considers, for a moment. But really, it's clearly one thing more than the rest. 

"She was in my head," he says. "I woke up, and she was there, and it was the most terrifying, terrif-eye-ing, moment of my life."

That makes Cassie soften. "I'm sorry," she says.

Ax stares at the ground. White sand.

"I just," Cassie continues, "I just didn't want to risk losing you. I didn't know where the Tria gland was, exactly, and I didn't want to mess up your brain somehow."

"I would have preferred you to have risked it," Ax says.

"I know. But Ax, if I had, and if you had died? I know I wouldn't have been able to live with myself."

"And you can live with yourself, having put a Yeerk in my brain?"

"Yes. Because that means you're alive."

Distantly, Ax notes his sight is starting to get blurry.

"I won't lie to you and say I regret it," she says, "But I am sorry to have hurt you."

Still, he says nothing. He doesn't even know what to say.

"So, are we still friends?" Cassie asks.

<Yes, of course, I forgive you,> Ax says, too overwhelmed to say it out loud. But he means it. He does.

He wants to, at least.

"Can you try to get along with Aftran?"

<I don't like her.>

"You don't have to, but Ax... She's my friend, too. And she's helping us."

Ax takes a deep breath. He is slightly embarrassed by the way his breath catches halfway through in a sob.

Emotions are so undignified, in human morph. He doesn't know how his friends can deal with this all the time.

Cassie touches his shoulder, and Aximili hates how he flinches.

<It's not fair,> he says. <It is not fair how you expect me to just be okay with this. To act as if nothing happened.>

"I don't expect that of you, I just... We need to be able to work as a team."

Ax knows that. Of course he knows that, and he hates how he feels guilty, how he feels like he's being unreasonable. He was so sure he was right, but what if he's not? What if he just needs to listen to Cassie and forget about it?

What if he can't?

"I don't think I realized how much it would affect you," says Cassie. "I was just so focused on doing what I had to in the moment, and I didn't consider your feelings."

Aximili nods.

"I mean, I'm not a real doctor, let alone a surgeon. I'm a vet in training, I'm not used to thinking about what the animals I treat will think about what I do, just their immediate reactions." She sighs, then continues, "And you're not really an animal that way, you're a person, but I just... I wasn't thinking about it in those terms, at the time."

"I'm sorry," Ax manages to say. He feels bad, because Cassie is right, she was not trained for a situation like this. 

And why would she be? She's so young, they all are. This planet's only hope is six stupid teenagers with a death wish, as Marco likes to call them, and Ax is struck by how unfair it all is.

Curse the universe, for making this their lives. Curse the Ellimist, and Crayak, and whoever else.

And Aximili isn't supposed to think that, is supposed to take his circumstances in stride and do his best with what he has and not complain and do whatever he needs to do, for his people, for the war. But it's so unfair. It's all so damn unfair.

Cassie says, "Ax, Ax it's okay, I'm sorry," and Ax realizes that he's crying.

He sniffles, embarrassingly. "It's okay."

"It's not. I'm sorry, for not considering how you'd feel, before I did it. Or after, really."

Ax doesn't know what to say. He bites the inside of his cheek, digs his fingernails into his arms.

The pain is grounding, the same way a battle is. Don't pay attention to your surroundings, and you're dead.

Ax forces himself to listen.

"I promise I'll consider this stuff more, in the future," Cassie says. "I won't just act without thinking."

"Okay," he says, and wipes his eyes.

"Are you... ready to go back to the others?"

"I... Yes, I think so. I'm okay."