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-one-
The clock read 10.05 , which meant that Connor would be arriving soon. Markus couldn’t wait. It was a Sunday night, and he’d invited his friend over to watch a movie together and then have what humans might call a ‘sleepover’.
He’d been unsure for a while what movie to pick, but his friends at Jericho had helped him decide, giving him a DVD to something they said was “really popular with the humans at the moment”. Personally, the cover didn’t appeal to him very much; a man and a woman were staring at each other, and the description said it was a romance of sorts. Romance novels had never attracted him when he’d read them during his time with Carl, but the genre indeed was one of the most popular, so he decided he’d have to see what was so good about it.
Connor arrived sometime later, and he greeted his friend with a hug before showing him to the living room, gesturing to the TV screen where the movie had already been loaded up on the screen.
“Ah, Hank’s mentioned this one.” Connor remarked. “He wasn’t a big fan of it. Well- that’s not to say I don’t want to watch it with you, of course!”
“I appreciate it.” Markus chuckled. “Honestly, I just asked the guys at Jericho to recommend something to me, I can never decide what movie to watch.”
“I’m sure I’ll enjoy tonight regardless of the quality of the movie.” Connor replied, looking at him with a smile.
“Me too.”
Markus pressed play on the movie before settling back on the couch. He tried to make a fair judgement of what he was watching, but only half an hour later, he couldn’t say he was a fan of it. The acting was okay, yet he found only a dim interest in the plot.
The woman and the man were in love, but didn’t want to tell each other. They had spent most of the movie so far pining and coming up with convoluted plans to confess their feelings, all of which failed spectacularly. He could see the comedy, sure; but he didn’t understand why it was so important they had to tell each other how they felt. They were perfectly fine as friends, what else different would they be able to do once they were romantically involved?
Further on in the plot, this was revealed. Apparently, according to the movie, it did matter. Each protagonist complained that they wanted to kiss each other, that they wanted to have sex, that they wanted to be… more than friends?
He titled his head as he thought over that; if he’d still had his LED, it would have been spinning a constant yellow. More than friends? Sure, the concept of romantic love wasn’t unfamiliar to him, having lived as long as he had, but for most of his life he’d never stepped foot outside of Carl’s home, and so he hadn’t really realised the full extent of humanity’s seeming… fixation on romance. He had seen, but not registered, that people saw romance as higher on the hierarchical chain of relationships than friendship.
It was this declaration of “more than friendship” that intrigued him the most. The characters on the film seemed upset that they couldn’t have this more, this next level of relationship. They saw each other as the most important person in their own lives, and thus would they reward each other with this title of romantic love?
Without thinking, he glanced to the side at Connor. If he could relate to the movie at all… it was to the way the protagonists cared so deeply for one another, and wanted to spend their whole lives together. Like the characters, he found Connor attractive, and he dreamed of… well, nothing as intimate as the film portrayed, but he did dream of him; of cuddling him, of some distant future where their lives were wrapped closer together like the intertwined roots of trees.
If he wanted that with Connor, did that mean he needed to profess his undying romantic love for him? Sure, he did love him, though he couldn’t be entirely sure what the ‘romantic’ part entailed… still, if society placed the greatest value upon romance, then maybe that was what he felt…?
Picking up the remote, he paused the movie, stopping it on the scene where one character was running after the other through the rain.
“Connor, I… have something to tell you.”
“Of course, Markus,” he replied with a gentle smile. “I’m here.”
“I… I think I love you.” Markus said, finding the words coming all too quickly and yet unsurely. “Yes. I love you.”
“Oh- oh! Markus, I… I don’t know what to say…”
“I think you’re meant to say it back,” he joked. “Or not, if you don’t want to. I believe this is how humans start their, their romantic relationships… an undying confession of feelings, a… kiss…”
Connor looked at him, LED swirling yellow. “I’m sorry, it’s just… you don’t sound very sure of it yourself. Is this what you really want? Because I—I think I love you too, Markus, but… maybe not the way you want me to…”
“Don’t be hard on yourself, Connor. Look- I… I want to show you that I care…” He looked at Connor, blinked quickly, before beginning to lean in close, screwing his eyes shut. This was how humans kissed, right? Then why did it feel so wrong? Why didn’t he want their lips to meet, felt something turning sickly inside him—
He opened his eyes as he felt a hand rest on his chest. Looking up, Connor wasn’t pushing him away, but he was holding him still.
“Your stress levels are high. You don’t want this.” Connor told him.
“No, Connor, I love you—I’m sorry, I don’t know why I can’t…”
“It’s alright.” Connor assured, moving his hand to place it on Markus’ knee. “I’m happy that you’re my friend, and if you don’t want our relationship to change—”
“But I love you!” Markus cut across him, pulling backwards, rising to his feet. “I do, I know that, but I… I don’t love you like they do in the movie.” He gestured to the screen. “I thought I did, but I don’t understand it, I don’t understand any of it! I feel something different than being your friend but… I can’t even kiss you.”
“It’s okay.” Connor repeated, beginning to get off the chair, hands held in a placating manner.
“No, it’s not. Because you… you love me too, so you must want this… romantic relationship, love?” He didn’t pause, leaving no room for an answer. “So I’ll try to be better. I’ll do it right.”
“Markus—”
“But I’m failing you now. No, I need to make this right. I need this again, this evening—I need a do-over!”
With those words he felt a sudden lurch in his chest, as if he were being tugged forwards. Connor’s voice faded away, the colours of the room around him swirled, and he distantly wondered whether he was dying—
-two-
Markus opened his eyes and found himself sitting on his couch. Glancing to the side, he saw that the clock read 10.05.
He didn’t understand, hadn’t it been later when he last looked? Sometime after eleven. And Connor was gone! He was alone, and that damn movie was loaded up on the TV. Except it had been wound back to the start.
Shrugging, he stood up, only to receive a message in his internal communications system.
I’ll be there shortly!
It was from Connor. The… same message he thought he’d received earlier. Maybe his systems were malfunctioning, he decided, as he went over to the TV and took the DVD out. Maybe in his panic of trying to confess and understand his feelings, he’d passed out, and Connor had left, winding back the movie…
No, it didn’t make much sense, but he was too tired to figure it out. Placing the DVD back in its box, he rose to his feet again, and—
The doorbell to his apartment rang.
Confused, he made his way over, wondering whether he had a new visitor or if Connor had come back to see him.
Opening the door, he found that the latter guess was correct. It was Connor, except he didn’t look fazed at all, wearing the same button-down shirt and jeans he’d been wearing earlier that night.
“Markus, hello.”
“Uh… Connor… is there something you left behind?”
Connor looked at him, confusion clear on his face. “What do you mean? I’m… here for our movie night?”
He opened his mouth to say: but that already happened! I freaked out and tried (and failed) to confess my undying love, probably passed out, and you left!
Instead, he paused. He realised that couldn’t be true. Connor seemed genuinely confused, as if that whole hour hadn’t happened.
Had it… not happened?
“When were you last here?” Was what he asked instead.
“Uh… probably earlier this week, when we worked on plans for that new android law being passed? You know the one, uh… it’s escaping my mind right now…” Connor chuckled. “Is this some sort of test?”
“Huh? Oh, of course not, love. Sorry, do come inside…” Markus stepped to the side so that his friend could enter, all the while mouthing ‘what the fuck’ under his breath. It was a major thought on his mind: what the fuck was going on?
Connor supposedly hadn’t visited him yet for their movie night, and the time had been 10.05 again, and… It was as if the night hadn’t happened at all, and he’d gone back in time.
“No, I need to make this right. I need this again, this evening—I need a do-over.”
His earlier words came back to him, and he almost laughed at the absurdity of it. Had some mystical force intervened, given him the do-over he’d requested? He hadn’t been serious. It had been the ramblings of a man tense with the anxiety of messing up his relationship with the person closest to him… No, he hadn’t meant it.
And wouldn’t that be stupid! Time rewinding itself so that he could watch movies again with Connor. And… what, not screw up his undying confession of love?
He was a sensible and practical man; he’d led a revolution, so he had his wits about him. Therefore, Markus concluded, there had to be some logical explanation for this. Perhaps that hour he had thought he’d spent with Connor, where he’d watched that movie and confessed his love… maybe that wasn’t real. Maybe he’d fallen asleep on the couch and his mind had conjured the worst version of what could happen, a nightmare. Yes, with his pre-construction software, that made a lot of sense.
So, he would enjoy this evening since it was real. Maybe the dream had been a warning not to watch that stupid romance movie.
He went to the living room, greeted Connor, and apologised for his confusion before. This time, he put on an action movie and simply relaxed, enjoying time with his closest friend. Time passed, and he found he was enjoying himself. This didn’t need to change; he was happy, right? If he had any thoughts of something different between them, changing their relationship, he simply reminded himself that the risk of talking and screwing things up wasn’t worth it.
Sometime later, about an hour, the movie reached its halfway point, and the doorbell rang.
“One moment, I can get that for you, Markus.” Connor told him with a smile, eyes still bright from the joke they’d shared minutes ago.
“Of course. Thank you.” Markus paused the movie, still chuckling, placing the remote on the table. He heard Connor moving towards the doorway, and he glanced at the clock, wondering who would be visiting this late—at 11.05.
A moment later, the door opened. He heard Connor’s voice, briefly—and then the crack of a gunshot.
He barely registered his friend’s scream as he rushed off the couch, down the hallway, just in time to see him crash to the ground in a pool of thirium.
“CONNOR!” he shouted, one glance seeing there was no longer anyone at the door, no threat to assess, except the fact Connor was bleeding out in the hallway of his apartment. He fell to his knees, seeing the blue blood collecting in a pool around him, and spilling out from his mouth, which was all the more worrying—
“Markus… M… I…”
He shushed him quietly, bringing a hand beneath his head to support it.
“It’s okay, it’s okay…” he mumbled, already dialling the number for the android emergency services in his mind. But it was fruitless; one quick scan showed that the wound was fatal. Connor had less than a minute left.
He could feel Connor moving in his arms with grunts of pain; but quickly these movements became less frantic, until all of a sudden they stopped, and he stilled, a dead weight in Markus’ arms, and he couldn’t—couldn’t— the colours of the world were swirling around again, blue mixed with everything else and the sounds were fading—
-three-
Markus fell back onto his couch with stumbling steps, looked at his clock; 10.05.
In that moment he didn’t care for the confusion, of where he was or what happened- he couldn’t stop staring at his hands. His hands which had held Connor as he died in his arms. His hands that had become wet with his blood. And now they were empty, and dry, and it felt wrong.
He jumped to his feet, receiving Connor’s message that he’d be there soon. No, this wasn’t right, none of it was. This hour had happened twice now, and the second time, Connor had died .
He couldn’t figure it out right now. He couldn’t look up the whys and hows of what was happening. If he only had an hour, he needed to make sure Connor wasn’t here, not when the doorbell rang and he opened it and got shot through his thirium pump.
As soon as he heard Connor arrive, he raced to the door, saw his friend standing there, alive —and engulfed him in a hug.
“Mmph—hello, Markus!”
He didn’t match Connor’s chuckles. Instead he screwed his eyes shut, relishing in the feeling of his friend in his arms, warm, alive; not a dead weight, not covered in his own blood. He was alive.
But suddenly, the moment ended. He pulled away and looked around in horror.
“We have to get away from here, Connor.”
“Is—is everything okay?”
“There’s no time for questions. I’m sorry.” he responded, stepping outside into the hallway outside his apartment, pulling the door shut. “We’ve got to do something else—we can’t stay here.”
Fortunately, Connor simply nodded and followed after him as he quickly made his way to the elevator, glancing about all the while to check for any signs of suspicious activity. No one jumped out at them with a gun, and he breathed a deep sigh of relief as they exited the New Jericho apartment building, letting the fresh night air fill his lungs.
Now they were out of the immediate danger, Markus knew he couldn’t keep Connor in the dark anymore.
“So, I guess you’re wondering why I wouldn’t let you come inside…”
Walking alongside him, Connor nodded. “Yes. I assumed perhaps there was something you didn’t want me to see… like a body.”
“What? Connor, no—I didn’t kill anyone!”
“It’s alright if you did.” Connor looked at him, winking. “I won’t tell anyone.”
“…appreciating and ignoring the fact you would help me hide a murder- no, that’s not why. Before I tell you, though, do you mind if we go to the park?” Markus asked.
“Sure.”
“Right.” He set the course in his mind for the nearest park, before continuing onwards. “So… our movie night, tonight? I’ve already done it. Twice.”
Connor glanced at him, confusion clear on his face. “We’ve watched movies together before, yes…?”
“No, that’s not what I mean. I mean, tonight . I’ve already experienced it, twice. At least, this hour of it… I’ve been through it twice.”
Connor hummed in thought. “What do you mean, Markus? You mean… you’ve already had this conversation?”
“Not specifically, no. I mean, you’ve arrived at my apartment twice, sometime after 10.05 for our movie night, and we’ve sat together and watched a movie for an hour, but both times, around 11.05, it’s all… started again. The clock’s back to 10.05. ”
“Ah!” Connor’s sudden exclamation made him jump. “Sorry. I think I know what you mean. It’s like time has reset again? Gone back to the same moment you were at before, and you recognise things being familiar, repeating themselves?”
“Yes…? You sound as if you’ve experienced this yourself, Connor…” Markus raised a brow.
“No, not personal experience. But I’ve seen almost every movie about this. About time loops.”
“Time loops?” Markus asked.
“Yes. Where time repeats itself, either a day or a particular moment of time, over and over again, but only for one person, and they remember all of it… Is that accurate to your situation?”
Markus nodded, glancing both ways before crossing the road, seeing the park in the near distance now. “That’s exactly what I’m going through. But it doesn’t make sense.”
“Oh no, it wouldn’t, not if you’re only on the second loop—” Connor paused. “Sorry, I don’t mean to sound so enthusiastic about your situation. I’m sure it’s not very pleasant for you, I just—have a great interest in this concept.”
“Don’t worry about it,” Markus chuckled, “I’m just glad to see you—happy.” Alive.
“But I’ll of course help you out with this. Oh, I’ve always wanted to be the one who helps the person stuck in a time loop—sorry, again. Maybe my knowledge of this topic can help you.”
They both stopped as they reached the park, before making a beeline for the swings, sitting side by side.
“So,” Markus began, rocking slowly back and forth, “what do you know about time loops that could help me?”
“Well, what’s most important is… what caused it. That’s usually what has to be fixed for the loop to end. For example, in the movie Groundhog Day, to put it simply- the protagonist Phil gets stuck in the loop because of his self-centred nature. He gets out because he improves and becomes a better person. So the way in, and the way out of the loop, are intrinsically linked.” Connor explained.
“Alright…” Markus nodded. “So, what you’re saying is… That this is all to do with something that happened the first time around. The first loop, as you put it.”
“Exactly.” Connor replied. “Something had to have happened. Something big.”
He paused, slowing his movements on the swing. It couldn’t have been the movie they’d watched. But perhaps his botched confession of feelings… Still, if that was a mistake he’d made, something he’d done wrong, then hadn’t he fixed it last time? He hadn’t told Connor anything, they’d simply watched a different movie and relaxed—but then his hands were covered in his blood, and—
Markus began to rock back and forth faster on the swing again, shaking his head. “No. I can’t think of anything. Maybe there isn’t always a reason. After all, this isn’t a movie.”
He heard Connor sigh beside him. “Yeah, maybe you’re right. But… there’s got to be some way out of it, right? Are you sure nothing happened—”
“No, nothing.”
Because there was nothing. If the problem was his confession then the solution would be not confessing, and obviously that wasn’t true. Maybe… maybe there was no reason at all… maybe at some point, it would just end. Perhaps this was all just a bad dream.
“Markus,” he heard Connor speak again after a brief time of silence, “when did you say the loop ends again?”
“After an hour,” he replied, staring at the ground, “at about 11.05. ”
“Ah. Because it’s, it’s 11.04 right now.”
He looked up at the panic in Connor’s voice, and though he could barely see through the darkness that had suddenly fallen down around them, he could see the red glow of his friend’s LED, and could see the shadowed silhouette of a person in the distance.
“Connor, get down!”
But it was too late. The clock ticked a minute onwards— 11.05 , and the bullet tore through the air, straight through Connor’s heart.
He heard the pained scream, watched as thirium splattered across the gravel floor of the park, jumped to his feet and the world dissolved around him—
-four-
He braced his hands on the couch as he found himself back in his apartment, at 10.05. This confirmed it: he was stuck in a time loop, and he didn’t know what to do about it.
Connor had died, again. He hadn’t bled out in his arms; the shot had killed him almost immediately this time, though that didn’t make it any better. He needed to think seriously about this, he couldn’t keep letting his friend get killed like that.
If this was a time loop, there had to be some reason for it happening. Maybe he had made some mistake. Maybe it wasn’t confessing his feelings. If what ended almost every loop was Connor dying, then… perhaps it was being around Markus that was the issue. Every time he saw Connor, Connor died. If Connor came to his apartment, he would die.
Markus sighed, sending a quick message to Connor:
Don’t come over. Sorry, I’ve got to cancel at such short notice, but something has come up.
It seemed like the only logical solution to him. Maybe if he kept Connor safe and alive, the loop would end. If he stayed at home, surely he would be fine! If the killer came and saw Connor was gone, Markus would take his place without hesitation, if not without a fight.
He blinked as a message came back from Connor:
That’s alright, Markus. I’ll head back home. Maybe another night?
Of course, he replied, just get back safely.
Connor sent back a thumbs-up emoji, and he sighed in relief, sitting back on his couch. Maybe things would be alright. This wasn’t how the past three loops had gone before- he relished in the unfamiliarity of it.
As if it were any other normal day, he took a book off a shelf before sitting back down to read. The next hour turned out to be fairly peaceful, as he made progress on the novel and texted back and forth with Connor. The other android had gone back home and decided to treat Sumo to some quality time playing, and he sent Markus many photos of this, which he appreciated. He was relieved seeing Connor safe and sound, happy, alive. He always appreciated their communications.
The thought popped back into his head, try as he might to avoid it. Did his enjoyment of their correspondences mean Connor was the person he loved, then? Was this what society would call a blossoming romance?
He shook his head. Romance involved… something else. And he couldn’t even think of kissing anyone without feeling repulsed.
Quickly, he snuffed that thought out of his head, checking the time instead. It was 11.03. Despite the fact he’d wanted to assume everything was fine, that Connor was safe at home- he called him.
Moments later, Connor answered.
“Hello, Markus?”
“Connor. It’s great to hear your voice. I’m… sorry for cancelling tonight. I had some matters for tomorrow that I had to see to.”
“That’s alright. I hope you’re okay.”
“Just busy, love.” He looked at the time again; 11.04. “What are you doing right now?”
“I’m sitting outside with Sumo, in the backyard. We’re watching the stars, aren’t we, boy?” There was a loud ‘ woof’ .
“That’s nice. I’m jealous, I’m just reading—some boring paperwork, of course… Does it look nice? The stars?”
“Yeah…” Connor replied, voice trailing off as he presumably stopped to take a better look at the sky. “They’re really pretty. I—”
Markus heard a loud bang from the other end of the phone call. He tensed up, book sliding out of his hands and onto the floor with a crash.
“Connor, are you alright?”
“I heard something, inside—hold on, Markus—”
“No, Connor, don’t go, it’s not safe—”
“It sounded like a gunshot. Hank’s inside, I have to go.”
“Connor, no!”
He heard movement from the other end of the line, as Connor got up.
“Stay there, Sumo, I won’t be long. Detroit police!”
Markus heard footsteps, a muffled gasp, and then another bang, the all too familiar sound of a gunshot, and even worse, Connor’s gut-wrenching scream—
-five-
Markus found himself on his couch again, at 10.05, with tears rolling down his cheeks.
Connor had died… and died… and died. He couldn’t do anything to stop it. It didn’t matter if he were there with him, or if he was somewhere else. It didn’t matter whether he confessed his feelings or not. He was stuck in a time loop for no reason, and there was no way to stop it. If he waited for 11.05 to come, Connor would be killed.
He paused, scrubbing his hands over his cheeks. There had to be some way to stop it. Maybe if the loop didn’t reach the end of the hour, it wouldn’t repeat. But what way could he make that stop? If he—
If he made everything stop?
He choked back a sob, but it was too late. His mind was made up. He would do anything to save Connor. He loved him, and right now he didn’t care what that meant—but that he would do anything to save the one he loved.
Standing up from the couch, Markus made his way past his TV, over to the window. Pushing open the curtains, he looked out. He was almost at the top floor of the New Jericho apartment building. The fall would be enough to kill anyone, android or human.
He opened the window, feeling the cool night breeze on his cheeks. Cold, like the air that swirled around him outside at the nearby park, where he and Connor sat on the swings until his friend was shot straight through the heart—
Markus crawled out of the window, onto the small, roofed area in front of him. His feet scrabbled for purchase on the tiles, but he didn’t struggle for long. Instead, he stared out at the night sky that would soon be twinkling with stars, and he hoped that Connor would get to enjoy seeing them.
His feet slipped- in that moment he pitched forwards so that he fell, and the ground was rushing faster and faster towards him, and he found that he didn’t care, so long as it ended, so long as Connor would live. If Connor lived, then that was fine by him, even if it would be without him—
-six-
He woke up laying on his apartment couch. The clock read 10.05. He threw it at the wall, so that it shattered into dozens of unsalvageable pieces.
There wasn’t any way out. He was stuck in this fucking time loop, and nothing would get him out of it, nothing would stop Connor getting shot, and if he’d caused it—he’d asked for a do-over, after all—then it was all his fault!
He groaned, sitting up on the couch. No, he couldn’t give up like that. There had to be some way out of this. He had to think about things logically. And yet… he couldn’t think of a way out. Nor could Connor.
So, he concluded, maybe he needed a fresh opinion on his situation. Someone he could trust with this, who he could talk to genuinely, who would understand him, who wasn’t Connor.
Immediately, she popped into his head—North, of course. His other closest friend and confidant. He was sure he could trust her with this.
After messaging to see if she was available, minutes later Markus found himself standing outside North’s apartment. He hesitated after ringing the bell, wondering how he should phrase this, and whether she knew anything about time loops—but there was no time for that as the door opened.
She led him inside into her home, gesturing for him to take a seat on the living room chair.
“So, I expect this is something important if you’d cancel your movie night with Connor to talk to me about it…”
Markus nodded. “It is. I have to warn you though, North, I’m not sure if you’ll believe what I’m about to say.”
“I’ll believe anything you say, within reason, Markus.”
He chuckled, shaking his head. “Oh, this is well out of reason. I’m… stuck in a time loop.”
“Elaborate.” she replied, sitting on the chair across from him, resting her elbows on her knees.
“This same hour- from around ten to eleven, it keeps repeating. I've experienced it about… five, six times now? And it always ends with Connor dying."
"That is…not what I thought you were going to say." North admitted. "But I believe you, even if I don't entirely understand everything you just said. So, to put it simply- you keep living the same hour, over and over?"
"Yep."
"And the hour ends with Connor dying?"
"Precisely. To be specific, he gets shot. And I don't know how to stop it happening."
North shook her head. "That really sucks, I'm sorry you're going through that, Markus. But there's got to be a way out of it."
"Well… Connor did suggest that maybe the way to escape the loop is related to how I got stuck in it. But I don't know…"
"How did you get stuck in the loop?"
Markus looked up at North, seeing nothing but care in her expression, and he realised he needed to tell the truth. So he did, explaining the first loop, from the romance movie to his confession of love, all the way up to asking for a do-over.
"You like Connor, right? That's what made you ask for it to happen again. Because you think you said it to him wrong." North replied.
"Exactly. But…"
"But you don't want to tell him again? That's the point of a do-over, Markus. Doing it again right."
"But I can't do it right, North! Try as I might, I don't think I've ever felt romantic love…"
"So?" she asked, question so abruptly that it startled him. "Doesn't mean you don't love him."
"I don't love him in the cheesy way those romance movies show love. Not the, get down on one knee in the pouring rain confession of undying love… I don't even want to kiss him. I can't."
"You can be in love more ways than romantically, Markus."
"But how?" he asked. "I thought society said–"
"Screw what those fuckers say."
Markus opened his mouth to respond, but suddenly he felt a cold chill go over him. A ringing in his ears, as if he'd just heard a gunshot. Looking at the nearest clock, he saw it was 11.05.
"Fuck." He swore, as the world swirled away.
-seven-
Back in his apartment again. 10.05. But this time, he was adamant to escape.
No, he didn’t look back to the window, tempting as it may be to have a moment of reprieve- he couldn’t hide from this anymore. North was right: he’d asked for a do-over, so he needed to do it again. Confess his feelings.
Whilst he still didn’t fully understand how he felt, he didn’t feel pushed anymore to say he felt romantic love. If he didn’t, then that would be what he said. However Connor responded wasn’t an issue anymore- he just wanted to be free again. He wanted his friend to survive.
So, he didn’t send any message telling Connor to go back home. Instead he waited on his couch until the doorbell rang, and he greeted him with a shaky smile.
“Come in. Sit down, please. Before we start the movie… there’s something I need to tell you.”
Connor did as such, although he sat stiffly, hands folded on his lap. “Is something the matter, Markus?”
It was then that he caught sight of his own expression in a far mirror: he looked serious, sombre, as if he were about to break drastically bad news. He smoothed a hand over his face and tried to smile.
“Nothing’s wrong… well, at least, what I want to tell you isn’t bad. It’s good, actually, depending on how you see it. Please, love, don’t look so stressed.”
Connor chuckled. “That’s just my resting face, Markus. Do continue.”
“Well… I want to preface this by saying you’re the most important person in my life, Connor. Not that I don’t love anyone else, but I love you in a— a different way. You’re very special to me. I love you in a way I haven’t loved anyone else before. But– I don’t mean to lead you on. I don’t love you romantically.
“I love the way that you smile, and your presence, and your cute fluffy hair- I love spending time with you, and I want something… different than friendship. Not something more , but something else. I want to define who we are in a way that’s… a relationship. There’s a lot of things I want to do with you. I want to cuddle you,” he chuckled, glancing to the side, “I want you in my life forever, Connor. I want you… here.
“And yet I can’t do enough things for this to be potentially considered a… a romantic relationship. The thought of kissing anyone makes my stomach turn. The idea of romance doesn’t appeal to me, of a relationship with set rules and boundaries and… I guess I fear that even by my confession I’m not really confessing love at all. But I want to say it: I love you, Connor.”
He took in a breath finally after speaking for such a long time. Whilst he didn’t want to, he slowly looked up to meet Connor’s eyes.
As soon as he caught his gaze, Connor grasped his hands tightly.
“It is love, Markus. It’s the sort of love that I feel for you too. Maybe you don’t realise it, since I’m on the other side of the identity crisis you’re experiencing— but we feel the same way, and… if you want a relationship, so do I.” Connor smiled. “It doesn’t have to be the set boundaries of romantic love. It can be something else. Another kind of love, just for us. There’s a name for this, I promise you- you’re not going through this alone.”
“You… love me too?” Markus replied. “Even if I can’t kiss you?”
“I don’t want you to kiss me. Not to offend you, or anything.”
“No offence taken.”
Connor nodded, before shuffling a little closer to him on the couch. “I do… rather want your offer of a hug, though.”
“Of course.”
Markus pulled him close to his side with one arm, the other reaching for the TV remote. As he hit play on the movie, Connor snuggled in at his side… he was content. Even if the loop happened again, and again, and again… He felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off his chest. And if the killer came to their door, he’d throw his body in front of Connor and not move until the strike of the clock at 11.05.
Still… as time flew by, as the hour drew closer to being finished, he could feel his thirium pump beating hard in his chest. He held Connor closer as the clock hit 11.04 , preparing for the worst. But he wouldn’t tell his… his partner, if that was the right word– he wouldn’t tell his partner that someone was here to kill him. It seemed better if he were in the bliss of innocence.
He closed his eyes; the clock hit 11.05. He could hear the movie droning on in the background, could hear Connor’s soft breaths. Suddenly, there was a crash— his eyes flew open and he jumped out of his seat.
“Markus— are you okay?”
“They’re here, they…”
“Who?” Connor asked, confused. “If the crash startled you, I believe it was just a bird flying into the window, poor thing…”
“Oh.”
He stood still for a moment, shaking hands held in front of him. He waited for the inevitable, for the crack of the gunshot, the terrible screams. Blue blood on the wooden floor of his apartment.
11.06.
Nobody rang the bell.
Nothing happened.
Markus blinked, confused.
“Oh. I’m… sorry. I thought I heard someone at the door.”
He slowly sat back on the chair, movements uncertain, glancing at Connor who was sat by his side, eyes bright with concern. But he was alive- and they were partners now, his confession no longer lost to the endless cycle of loops…
He was free.