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"Would you like another piece of sushi, my dear?" Aziraphale asked graciously, only a twitch betraying him.
Crowley grinned. "Nah, angel, you go on ahead, you'll enjoy it far more than I will." He grinned still wider as Aziraphale slumped in relief, taking another piece of spicy salmon roll and dipping it in soy sauce delicately with his chopsticks. "You were just going to tell me about that thing that happened in Judea1, that you said I'd never believe."
Aziraphale's eyes lit up as he chewed. "Oh, my dear, you'll never believe it. Though perhaps it was spoken of when you were down below...? No, surely not, you were far too far separated from God."
"But we were quite well connected to the thoughts of man, Aziraphale."
"Oh, well- yes, well anyway. So I was in Judea, as I said, at the house of study in Yavne. I forget why I was there to start with, but I was in the guise of a laborer, mending the walls of the house of study as all the rabbis were there learning from Rabban Gamaliel, the nasi2. Nothing like the yeshivas3 these days, my dear- none of these shelves and tables of books. Back then, it was all in the memory, and so it would stay until Gamaliel's grandson and his mishna4."
"Judah, yes," Crowley mused, lifting his glass of sake to his lips. "The one who was cruel to animals5."
"He was not cruel, my dear," Aziraphale chided back as Crowley sipped the sake, eyes dancing. "You're just trying to provoke me. You know I also think it was an overreaction, giving him those years of illness just for not helping that calf escape the slaughterhouse. What was he meant to do, become a vegan? Those things these modern day humans come up with, ridiculous," Aziraphale added with a guilty glance at the veritable school of fish intermingled with rice and seaweed on his plate. "And either way, he got better."
"And his house stayed infested with mice!"
"Hush, I was in the middle of my story. This was with the grandfather, as I said, Gamaliel. The leader of the Jews and the head of the house of study. Though of course always challenged from below and from the sides. In this case it was Rabbi Eliezer ben Hyrcanus."
"That the bloke whose beard turned white when he was eighteen?6"
"Fancy you remembering that! No, that was Rabbi Eleazar ben Azarya. He was around too, of course- and honestly I can't blame you for thinking it was him, because Rabban Gamaliel and Rabbi Eleazar fought like veritable cats and dogs! Rabbi Eleazar even deposed Rabban Gamaliel at one point, I believe. But no, this time the conflict was from a different quarter. Rabbi Eliezer was a hard worker who only started in the house of study when he was older, not like the young students who would sponge up knowledge. But once he learned something he remembered it. He could remember anything. I know people were calling him a plastered cistern7 at one point."
"A plastered cistern," Crowley repeated flatly. "How dare they."
Aziraphale rolled his eyes. "You know what I mean, Crowley. It was a compliment. A plastered cistern that never lost a drop."
"Down in hell we'd just call someone like that a know-it-all swot."
"And that's why you're down there and we're up there, my dear." Aziraphale glared at the unrepentant Crowley as he daintily snagged a piece of ginger. "Now where was I? Ah. So I was in the study hall, and Rabban Gamaliel was lecturing, and suddenly one of the villagers brought in a new kind of oven. Fascinating kind of oven, really- tiles separated by sand, you see, but there was a coating of cement-"
"If you don't mind skipping the kitchen appliance engineering part-"
"No, but my dear, it was important! The question was, because of the way that it was constructed, did it convey ritual impurity. And Rabbi Eliezer said it didn't but all the other rabbis, including Rabban Gamliel, said that it did. And so the conclusion was that it did, because the majority rules, yes? But then Rabbi Eliezer got stubborn. He listed out every law and principle under the sun from his plastered cistern of a brain to convince the other rabbis that he was right- and they wouldn't listen."
"How absolutely riveting," Crowley drawled. He picked up a toothpick and started poking between his teeth. "I still don't see where you come into this at all."
"Yes, but you see- Crowley- then he brought everyone outside, and then he said that the carob tree over there will prove that he's right. And suddenly- I could feel that I was being given a task from God, and that that must be what had brought me over to the study hall in the first place, and I served as God's messenger to move the carob tree- a hundred cubits, or maybe it was more like four hundred, I forget.8"
"Big difference, a hundred and four hundred."
"Hush you, and stop that with the toothpick, it's disgusting. Anyway, so you'd think that seeing a miracle from God in support of Rabbi Eliezer the other rabbis would change their minds, but no! They stood their ground! They said that carob trees don't decide the laws. Now naturally I was a bit miffed by this, because it wasn't the carob tree, it was me, or at least me on behalf of the Almighty. But Rabbi Eliezer was by no means deterred! He said that the stream over there was going to prove that he's right. So I felt the power from God again, and I turned the stream so it was flowing backward, and what did the rabbis do? They said that streams don't decide the laws either."
Aziraphale looked across the table at Crowley, as though expecting some kind of reaction. All he got was a smirk, though at least the toothpick was gone. Exasperated, he went on.
"So then, Rabbi Eliezer got the wonderful idea to turn back and say that the walls of the study hall will prove that he's right. And here I got properly furious, because I had just been repairing those walls, and not with any miracles either, but plain old elbow grease-"
Finally Crowley popped in with the reaction that Aziraphale had wanted, though surely not the one he'd been hoping for, saying that he had to admit that he couldn't imagine "Aziraphale" and "elbow grease" being on speaking terms with each other.
"Plain old elbow grease, as I said, and such work it was keeping my new robes clean, and now Rabbi Eliezer wanted God- and me- to knock them down! But God's wish is my command, of course, and so I sighed and started to bring the walls down- and then Rabbi Joshua ben Hanania, one of the rabbis on the other side, yelled at the walls to stop coming down and interfering in a dispute of Jewish law that was none of their concern! And so then the power from God stopped and the walls stayed kind of slanted, and as far as I can tell they stayed that way as long as the building stood."
"How long would the building have stood with crooked walls, exactly?"
"You'd be surprised, my dear, when it's God both knocking them down and keeping them up."
"Sounds more like something we'd do, to be honest..."
"Well you missed your chance then. Stop smirking. So after the irritating business with the walls, Rabbi Eliezer still wasn't done, and this time he went right out and said that Heaven would prove it. To which I thought, hasn't Heaven been proving it the whole time? But this time it had nothing to do with me- a voice came from Heaven saying something like 'Why are you opposing Rabbi Eliezer, the law is on his side.'"
"Was that the Metatron?" Crowley asked, with the first spark of real curiosity he'd show through the whole story. "Nice sonorous voice he has, would think that would have made an impact even on an infernally stubborn lot as that."
Aziraphale frowned. "Actually I'm not sure," he said, "It didn't sound like him. I wonder if it was Gabriel. Anyhow, so this voice comes down from Heaven, clearly from God, and you'd think that that would get the other rabbis on Rabbi Eliezer's side, wouldn't you?"
"I would," Crowley agreed, bored again.
"But what do you know," Aziraphale continued, determined to push through regardless, "when they hear this, Rabbi Joshua-"
"The guy who stopped the walls coming down?"
"Yes, him- Rabbi Joshua said lo bashamayim hee. As in, the law isn't decided in Heaven and it goes only according to the decisions of man."
"Just because I haven't been in Heaven for a while doesn't mean I can't understand Hebrew when I hear it, angel. It's not like it's Aramaic.9"
"Crowley!"" Aziraphale threw his hands up in the air. "You're being a very disappointing audience. It's like you already knew the- wait," he said, practically devastated. "Did you already know the story?!"
Crowley smirked again and leaned back in his chair, which for Crowley meant somehow having his back on the seat back but his legs over the armrests. "You mean did I already know that after this Rabbi Eliezer got excommunicated and was so angry that through his anger he could have destroyed the world, if he hadn't held back? Or that as a result Rabban Gamliel was nearly lost at sea, and later died as a result of the pain with which Rabbi Eliezer prayed? How on earth would a demon possibly know that?10"
Aziraphale, across the table, was no longer stammering incoherently with rage and was instead staring at him, face white. "Tanur shel Achnai," he said. "I always wondered why it was called the oven of the snake."
Crowley nodded, smugness dripping off of him like oil. "Even they don't know why it's called after a snake, they came up with some whole explanation after the fact in the Talmud11. But did you really not recognize me when I brought the oven in to the study hall?"
"I was working on my masonry!"
"Well, you miss things when you don't bother miracling the small stuff," Crowley said. "Lesson for you."
"But hang on," said Aziraphale, "so what you're telling me is that you were the emissary from Hell to tempt them into disagreement? And I was the angel who was there to stand up for the honor of Heaven?"
"Ahhhh... not quite," Crowley replied, for the first time looking uncomfortable. "I mean, arguing in the study hall, that's what all these rabbis are meant to do, isn't it? Hell wouldn't see it as much of an accomplishment to get them to do that. And I couldn't know that it would get that crazy. Nah, a bit of private mischief on my part, that's what it was. Just a happy incident in Hell with all the quarrelling that ensued."
Aziraphale nodded. "And I was there as the unwitting tool of Heaven... and was able to do nothing at all against you. If this had happened when we had the Arrangement I'd have demanded my money back. But listen- I don't think you actually know all of the story. I didn't say the good bit yet."
"The good bit? But I was the good bit!"
"I know you always think so, but listen. Years later, there was a rabbi who encountered Elijah the Prophet. Hush, I know you don't see eye to eye with him about the whole Baal thing. I'm trying to finish the story. This rabbi met Elijah, and asked him, so what happened in Heaven after that? After all, God's opinion had been made quite clear, you know."
"And we all know what happens when you contradict God, eh?" Crowley muttered bitterly.
Aziraphale practically sprang out of his chair. "But that's the thing, Crowley! Elijah told the rabbi that God just smiled and said 'My children have vanquished Me, My children have vanquished Me.'"
"God smiled?" Crowley's mouth dropped open, quite a sight for a humanoid being far more used to the jaw structure of a snake. "At being flatly denied by God's own humans?"
"And ever since, when the law has been decided, it's been by humans, not by God. It's precedent," Aziraphale said, finally allowed to be smug himself the way he'd been planning. "I knew you'd like that."
"Jealous more like... God and those humans, seriously ineffable, aren't they. Makes me wonder why God bothers with any of us at all, your lot or mine. What do we do beyond create paperwork and get in the way of the humans doing what they already would have done?"
"Isn't it lovely?" Aziraphale asked rhetorically, beaming, "you were just trying to make them fight... and it turned into them fighting us, and continuing to fight us for eternity. As in, the whole sorry lot of us. Good for them."
"Your lot alright with you talking that way?" Crowley asked lightly.
Aziraphale froze momentarily, his blue eyes meeting Crowley's suddenly immersive yellow ones. He gave a slight shudder before saying, equally lightly, "far from the worst I've said, and if Heaven never found out about those they'll not care about this either. I know of simply the most marvelous place for creme brulee- shall we call for our check?"