Chapter Text
Jeff thought that this would have been more exciting. The prospect of moving to Phoenix had seemed so promising, but here he was laying down on a lumpy mattress in a bare hotel room while his boyfriend gallivanted around his fancy new workplace. Though he could afford it, he always skimped where he could. Thus landing them in this 2 star hotel.
He huffed and flipped onto his back. His heart twinged with jealousy as he thought about James leaving him behind as he met with all those hot shot CEOs in a downtown office building. That could have been me, he thought sullenly.
But it isn’t, the mean little voice in his head replied. You dropped out for him.
As soon as Jeff graduated from high school he started working on his degree in accounting. It would be a no-nonsense, secure job that had to do with numbers. Something he could really get behind. His mothers, despite their hippie, anti-corporate tendencies, supported him and were glad that their son had found something that would make him happy.
And then he met James.
It was in a business class, and the two of them sat in the front row next to each other. After half a semester of shy, nervous exchanges, they began studying together. It was only fitting that the people with the highest grades in class helped each other out. They ventured out of study sessions in the library to study dates at the coffee shop, and eventually they dropped the studying and just went on dates.
Jeff was smitten. James was smart, ambitious, dedicated, and his family was a well-respected one. The fact that he was 7 years older than Jeff didn’t matter to him. He was nineteen, in love, and two years later James was being offered a job in Phoenix as an auditor for a large company. When James asked his boyfriend to come along and live with him, Jeff couldn’t say no. This was a great opportunity and a big step in their relationship. This also meant he would have to leave his studies for the time being and hopefully pick them up again once they were stable in Phoenix.
His mothers weren’t too thrilled about the plan; they weren’t even too thrilled about James in the first place. EJ and Sue often worried about someone as uptight as James being with their even higher-strung son. He needed someone to balance him out, not get him all worked up, and the relationship didn’t seem healthy to them. This, coupled with the fact that James Wyatt’s family were extremely snooty, made the Randell women wary of their son’s love interest. However, they relented knowing that Jeff, at twenty-one years old, was now an adult and could make his own decisions, and made this clear to him.
So here he was as a result of that decision, staring up at the popcorn ceiling and thinking about the events that led up to where he was now. Jeff let out a sigh. He had wanted to accompany his boyfriend on his trip downtown, but James told him not to.
“It would only look bad,” he had said. “Like I’ll be bringing you to work. It’s unprofessional.”
Jeff wanted to yell at him, scream, that he wasn’t stupid and had planned on hanging around some shops downtown instead of going to the office. But James had left before Jeff had finished showering. He can be so inconsiderate, he thought. Refusing to continue to mope, he pushed himself off the bed. He made sure to grab the remaining room keycard and venture into the hotel’s lobby. He spotted an area that had brochures of nearby attractions. Scanning them, he saw a blue one with an anthropomorphic smiling water drop on it. He let out a small chuckle and picked up the brochure advertising Squirty’s Moist Mountain water park. Jeff couldn’t help but reminisce about his adventures there. The trio went there every summer, and it was a miracle that they didn’t get banned despite all the shenanigans they would get into. Clarence insisted on taking a group picture with Squirty each year, and Jeff laughed softly to himself. I think I have those photos in a box back home. He frowned and corrected his thought. I mean they’re at mom’s house. This is home now, as soon as we get the apartment.
He sighed and headed outside, shielding his eyes from the bright Arizona sun with the brochure. He noticed a small coffee shop next door to the hotel earlier, so he went there and ordered an iced tea. He had wanted a coffee from there in the morning, but James had told him to “just make some in the coffeemaker in the hotel room.” It was an old machine that caused the coffee grounds to settle into the bottom of the pot, making for a disgusting cup of coffee. Shaking the thought away, he picked up a newspaper and sat at a table, sipping his tea and unfolding the paper. Occupied by his memories, he kept re-reading the same line in one of the articles. He put the paper down and his gaze fell back onto the brochure, which had a big picture of the most popular attraction: the Curd Churner.
After his first ride down the Curd Churner, he was addicted. Once it was rebuilt the following summer, he happily waited in line to slide down with his friends despite Sumo’s disgusting tradition of barfing on someone each time.
Though he and his friends had gone through different things in life and had very different personalities, they hadn’t drifted apart in high school like everyone expected them to. Others thought the uptight nerd, the unhinged rebel, and the sweet outgoing kid wouldn’t last, but up until college they had been inseparable.
Jeff’s heart sank. It was his fault they no longer talked. He turned his attention back to the newspaper and took a sip of tea, but he couldn’t bring himself to read. He hated thinking about Clarence and Sumo sometimes. The guilt was too much for him to bear and he always felt like throwing up when the thought came into his head.
He had drifted from them because of James. His boyfriend had been critical of his friends and being the snooty person he was, he had never outright said anything about them, but it was clear to Jeff what he thought of them. Upon meeting James, Clarence and Sumo had found his snootiness off-putting, but ignored it to please their best friend. Sumo had kept his composure for three whole months until he just had to tell him something about James. Jeff replayed the memory in his head many times, so he remembered in detail how Sumo had arrived at his house unannounced.
—-----
It was January 3rd. It seemed like an innocent enough visit at first; he asked if he could have a soda and they played a racing video game for an hour. Sumo kept losing. Jeff had laughed, teasing him about it and Sumo let out a fake chuckle, wiping his hands on his ripped jeans.
“So… How are you and James doing?” Sumo had asked him, sounding rehearsed.
He told him of their most recent date at some fancy restaurant with James’s colleagues, and he noticed his friend’s gaze hardened as he spoke. He mentioned, chuckling slightly, that James had scolded him for mispronouncing one of the menu items when he was ordering, making somewhat of a scene, and he was taken aback when Sumo’s eyebrows knit together.
“Why do you let him treat you like that?” he interrupted.
“Wh-what? Sumo he’s just like that, it wasn’t a big deal. It was more funny than anyth—”
“He threw a tantrum. That’s not funny, it’s fucking weird.”
“Well you don’t know him. It’s how he plays around.”
Jeff’s eyes flicked to Sumo’s ears. They were reddish, something that always happened when his temper flared up.
“He plays around by insulting and judging you? I’ve seen it myself, Jeff. Remember that time he was calling you stupid when you made that mistake on a test you guys took?”
“He wasn’t calling me stupid, he just said the mistake was stupid.”
“Are you even hearing yourself right now? This is ridiculous. You’re being ridiculous, Jeff.”
“Now you’re the one who’s insulting me, and you think you know what’s best for me?”
“I’m not insulting you, I’m just trying to make you understand that this isn’t healthy.” Sumo was getting worked up, raising his voice. He could never stay calm for very long.
Neither could Jeff.
“Like you would know what a healthy relationship looks like!”
That noticeably bothered Sumo, but he ignored the jab and kept on. “Do I need to spell it out for you? He encourages you not to see your friends, because we all know what he thinks of us, and you think that’s normal?”
“So you’re just mad that we don’t hang out as often. You’re being selfish.”
Sumo laughed in disbelief. “Uh, no. First, he starts treating me and Clarence like shit, and suddenly you stop coming over as often and when you do, you lie about where you are when he texts you.”
Despite himself, he felt tears prick at his eyes. “No, it’s just that I don’t want him to be jealous. He always said that I liked you better than him.”
Sumo’s eyes softened upon seeing Jeff’s tears. “We’re just worried about you, man. This isn’t normal. And so what if you do like us better? We’ve been your friends forever.”
Jeff shifted his gaze downward. “No, Ryan .” Sumo visibly flinched hearing Jeff call him by his actual name. He hadn’t used that outside of them dating or when he was really, really mad at him. “You know why he’s jealous.”
Sumo pursed his lips before speaking. “It’s his problem if he doesn’t feel confident or trust you enough for you to still be hanging around with me. He knows we’re over and you’ve never given him any reason to worry about it. It’s obvious how much you love him. We’re friends.” Sumo’s voice strained.
Noticing Sumo’s eyes beginning to water, realization hit Jeff. “You’re still not over me. You’re jealous.”
“What?” Sumo spluttered. “Are you fucking kidding me? That’s what you’re getting from this? I’m trying to help you see how fucked up your goddamned relationship is!”
“You’re just trying to help yourself! You’re being selfish, you just want James out of the picture so you can try to make us” –he gestured between the two of them– “work again. But it won’t! You have nothing going for you.”
Sumo looked like he had been slapped. He stood up and headed towards the door, but stopped himself to get one last thing in. “You know what? I came here because I care about you. Not because I’m trying to get anything out of this. I love you Jeff. I’m not gonna deny it. You’re my best friend and I’m worried about you. But if you’re gonna be a dick and not let me help you, there’s nothing else I can do.” He opened the door, and before exiting, he gave Jeff a hard gaze. “I tried. Obviously I can’t change your mind.”
—-----
That had been about two years ago, but Jeff still hated himself for how he acted. He had lost Sumo forever after that. Jeff had tried calling him two weeks after that fight, had tried about four times, but Sumo never picked up. Never answered texts. Of course, he went to Clarence, who he gathered had already heard about the whole thing from Sumo. He saw a look of disappointment that he had never seen before from his longtime friend, and felt like his heart froze over. Clarence had remained vague, simply stating, “You really, really hurt him this time, Jeff.”
It still hurt badly for Jeff, too. Sumo, despite being his ex boyfriend, was still his best friend at the time. They had known each other too long to be strangers after the break up.
Jeff shifted in his chair and took another sip of his tea, the coldness soothing his anxieties from remembering that conversation. He checked his text messages to see if James had sent him anything. Nothing. He scrolled through his sparse messages–he didn’t really have friends anymore– regrettably realizing he had not answered a text Clarence sent him asking how he was. It was from two months ago and he felt too guilty to answer it now. It would be too awkward. Sumo’s last message from more than two years ago (yes, he still kept it), was a dumb meme Sumo had thought to share with him.
Jeff, realizing he was still gripping the brochure, placed it face down on the table not wanting to look at the Squirty mascot any longer. It held too many memories and always made Jeff think of when he first started registering his true feelings for Sumo. He rubbed at his temples. That’s not a part of my life anymore. I have James now. He got up, grabbing his newspaper, brochure, and empty cup. He threw the cup away, folded the newspaper neatly and placed it back where he found it, and held onto the brochure. It would be a waste to throw it away. I’ll put it back when I get to the hotel. Jeff walked along the sidewalk, looking into the shop windows to see if anything caught his eye. He walked into a crystal shop, and was greeted by an airy voice, belonging to the cashier.
“Let me know if there’s anything you need help finding,” she said, smiling with kind eyes. Jeff gave her a smile in response.
He walked through the store, taking in the smell of incense and lightly touched a rose quartz tower. He remembered his mother, Sue, explaining to him that rose quartz was the crystal of love. She had kissed his forehead and given him one when he was 16, instructing him to place it under his pillow.
“It will help with self-love, Jeffy. And also for attracting unconditional love. I want you to be happy and surrounded by love and light always. I know you’re having a hard time right now. Good things will come to you in their own time. Your mother and I love you so much.”
Jeff had obviously never thought there was anything wrong with being attracted to the same gender. His mothers were a beautiful example of this love. But he knew there was still hatred in the world and the thought of yet another aspect of difference in him had affected him negatively.
“You know, obviously, your mother and I went through the exact same thing. Of course it was a different time. The beautiful thing is that your friends love you so much. If you decide to tell them, you know they will accept you as you are. They always have. But maybe the crystal will help you have some peace of mind.” She smiled beautifully at him.
And it had. When he eventually came out to his friends the following month, Clarence had hugged him and Sumo clapped him on the back.
“You know we love you no matter what, dude,” Sumo beamed at him, the tips of his ears reddened. Jeff filed that away in the back of his mind.
“Oh Jeff, I’m so proud of you!” Clarence teared up.
In the next few days, he had to stop Clarence from throwing him a rainbow-themed party after Sumo told him about it. But the love was there.
Jeff never bought into the crystals, but it had eased his anxiety that time. Maybe this time he could use a little extra help. Just to aid a bit during this change in my life. There’s nothing wrong with a little more self love, is there?
Jeff picked up a small heart shaped rose quartz. The sticker on the bottom had “$5” printed on it. He took it up to the register.
The woman smiled at him. “Will that be all, dear?” Jeff nodded. “Five dollars, please. Tax is already included.”
Jeff handed her a bill from his wallet.
“I hope this helps you, whatever it may be that you need.”
Jeff gave a smile. “Thank you.” He exited the shop, placing the crystal in his pocket. James won’t let me hear the end of it if he sees this. He thinks it’s a load of crap. Jeff frowned. He wasn’t a huge fan of crystals, but couldn’t stand when someone judged his mothers. James had made a snarky comment or two (or ten) about it, and it irked him to no end. Just another thing he made an effort to ignore about him.
He continued walking, and his phone began to ring. It was James.
“Hey babe,” Jeff answered, shaking away the earlier annoyed thoughts he had about him.
“Hello Jeffery!” James had never called him Jeff, or any pet names, really. It was always very formal. Jeffery. “I am almost done with my meeting. We negotiated my pay and they toured me through the building. I just need to fill out a bit more paperwork and then I’ll be done. Should be another hour or so.”
“Congratulations, honey! I’m so proud of you.”
“I thought you’d like to take me to lunch as a celebration after.”
“Oh uh, yeah! Wherever you want. I’d be glad to.”
“Perfect. I was thinking of the Golden Pan.”
Jeff winced. That was really expensive. His part-time clerical job had paid well, but he had already put in his two weeks notice to move over here within the next month and needed to save what he could. He supposed it was the least he could do, since James would be supporting him for a while. At least until he found a job. He knew James wouldn’t support him for too long.
“Sure, you deserve it.”
“I’ll see you soon. You’re at the hotel, yes?”
“No, but I’ll head back. Meet you there.”
“Goodbye!”
James had hung up before Jeff could lower the phone from his ear. Great. He didn’t even like the food at the Golden Pan.
On a trip to Phoenix when he was younger, Sue and EJ had scrunched up their noses as they passed by the restaurant.
“Look at all those corrupt businessmen eating that awful foie gras”, EJ had grimaced. Sue shook her head gravely, and Jeff frowned. He knew foie gras was made by force feeding ducks. It went against everything his mothers believed in.
James loved it. He hoped tonight he would just get steak.
Jeff walked briskly back to the hotel. He knew he’d have to start getting ready, as there was a dress code at the Golden Pan. He appreciated the view as he walked. Aberdale had its own charm, but it wasn’t the big city that Phoenix was. I’ll have to get used to this anyway. This is my new home.
Jeff entered the air conditioned hotel, smiled at the man at the front desk, and made his way to the elevator. Jeff pressed the button reading “4” then stuck his hand in his pocket, subconsciously rubbing the rose quartz heart. He fished out his hotel key card and inserted it into the door, the green light indicating it was unlocked. It was then he realized that he still had the Squirty’s brochure in his hand. He placed it on the nightstand when he walked in, and put the rose quartz on top of it.
He then undressed, showered, combed his hair, performed his skincare routine, and sat on the bed in his underwear. It had been 40 minutes since James had called him. He had a few minutes to relax. He moved to lay down, and turned towards the night stand. The Squirty mascot on the brochure, slightly obscured by the rose quartz, smiled up at him. The thoughts he had attempted to push away earlier at the cafe came rushing through his mind now, and despite him not wanting to dwell on them, they were relentless.
–----
It was at the water park, July 16th, a Wednesday. EJ and Sue had driven them there. They were 13, and had gone in celebration for Sumo’s birthday. The park had made a few upgrades after being shut down and reopened yet again for code violations. They had added a few carnival games, and the boys had been eager to try them out.
Clarence played a fishing game with small children, winning candies and making toddlers cry when they lost time after time. Jeff opted for a dart throwing game, popping balloons and using his physics smarts to ensure he got the prize he wanted, a Robocourt lunchbox. Sumo used his brute strength to throw balls at milk bottles. The person running the booth looked in disbelief as the weighted milk bottles were no match for the unhinged adolescent.
Sumo proudly looked over at Jeff who had sidled up next to him to watch in awe. “Wow Sumo, you got all of them! I for sure thought these were rigged!”
The booth attendant gave an annoyed glance towards Jeff at his revelation. “C’mon kid, pick your prize and get outta here.”
Sumo scanned the shelves, his eyes settling on one giant toy in particular. “I’ll take that one!” He pointed, and the attendant took it down and gave it to him.
“Here ya go, buddy,” Sumo grinned, handing the huge Robofrog plush to Jeff, who stared at him in disbelief.
“Wha–? Why are you giving this to me? You should pick something out for yourself, you won it!”
“Nah. I wanted to give you this as a thank you for celebrating my birthday with me.”
Jeff was taken aback. Though they had been friends for almost 3 years, Sumo never failed to surprise him with how sentimental he could be at times.
“Thank you so much, Sumo. I love it.” He beamed at his friend, whose ears reddened just slightly, thought it was hard to tell with how tanned he was.
“No problem, man.”
“Wait, what about Clarence?”
They both looked over to Clarence who was surrounded by disgruntled parents giving him dirty looks for monopolizing the game and not letting their small children win. He caught their gazes and grinned, giving a thumbs up and showing them his armful of candies.
“Uh, I think he’s good.”
Jeff had his first strange, flip-floppy feeling in his stomach about Sumo that day.
-
It was August 3rd. They were 15. It was two weeks before their sophomore year started. Clarence had caught this weird summer flu and they had had plans to visit Squirty’s for weeks.
“Go on without me,” Clarence had told them dramatically, placing a hand to his forehead as he lay in bed surrounded by snot tissues.
So go they did. Sumo’s mom drove them there as a retreat from her other eleven children. She needed the break as much as the teens needed the ride there.
“Go on, kids. I’m driving to the city to get a massage and a manicure. Call me when you’re done and I’ll come pick you up.” She drove off– a little too quickly, Jeff noted– as soon as the boys jumped out.
It was weird for both of them, being at Squirty’s as just a duo for the first time of their 5 year tradition. It didn’t make it any less fun. They rode the Curd Churner six times in a row, Sumo adding yet another barf souvenir picture to his collection. Adrenaline was coursing through their veins, and they bumped shoulders as they walked giddily throughout the park.
“Sumo, look at that!” Jeff tugged on Sumo’s shirt.
Sumo narrowed his eyes trying to see what Jeff was looking at, and his eyes widened when he saw Jeff’s ride of interest.
“A tunnel of love?” Sumo scoffed, and then laughed. “Why the hell would they build that, is this the freaking 1960s?”
“C’mon Sumo, don’t you know how rare these things are? There’s only like 9 left in the world! Well, I guess 10 now. We’d experience a part of history! Please?!”
“Ugh fine, dude. Let’s get this over with.”
They made their way over to the line, only accompanied by a few awkward teen couples and one elderly couple who looked at each other and smiled fondly, no doubt reliving some old memories.
Sumo rolled his eyes, faking gagging.
“Sumo don’t be rude, love is a beautiful thing!”
“Whatever man, have you ever even been in love?” Sumo narrowed his eyes at him.
“Well, I guess not, but still!” Jeff blushed despite himself. After a beat of silence, “Have you?”
Sumo’s eyes widened, not expecting Jeff to have replied in that way. “Oh, uh, well no. Gross, who would I have even been in love with?” His ears reddened. Jeff took note of this.
“Sumo, you’ve had like three girlfriends.”
“Yeah man, but that wasn’t love. It was just me being dumb and seeing what it was all about.”
“Hmm.”
Neither boy could say anything more, as the ride operator ushered them onto their own boat. She gave them a bored expression, “No standing up, no rocking the boat, no touching the water. And please, keep it PG. I don’t want to have to ban you guys from Squirty’s.”
“Hey man, it’s not like that!” Sumo spluttered.
“What? No, we’re just experiencing the history and viewing the mechanics!” Jeff objected.
The operator shrugged. “Sure dudes. Whatever. I don’t judge. Have fun,” she smirked and pulled a lever to start the ride.
Sumo flipped her off, as they entered the tunnel and the operator returned the gesture.
“Ugh, what the hell was her problem? She thinks we’re together!”
The teens looked at each other, but it was too dark to read the other’s expressions.
“Not that there’s anything wrong with that! Fuck, I’m sorry Jeff. You know I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Shit, your moms–”
“I know you didn’t mean anything bad, Sumo. I guess she just doesn’t often see people enjoying the Tunnel of Love for what it is. Let’s just appreciate the ride.”
Sumo nodded and faced forward, trying to take in the scenery. In the dark, neither of them realized the other’s face burning up.
A few days later they visited Clarence who had received a clean bill of health from the doctor. He looked between the two of them suspiciously, knowingly, but said nothing.
---
It was June 23rd, a Friday. Jeff and Clarence were 17, and Sumo was enjoying his last few weeks of 16. Clarence’s mom had driven them out for their annual trip to Squirty’s, glad that they still had the innocence to continue their tradition. They could be out doing God knows what , she told herself as she looked in the rearview mirror at the trio.
They had gone on every ride, and took the customary turns on their beloved Curd Churner. Hopped up on cotton candy, sodas, and the pure adrenaline that only a giant water slide could provide, the boys were wired. Sumo had already been vibrating with excitement all day. His band, Desert Voyager, was going to play the next night. They had been together and practicing for about a year at this point, and Sumo was ready to move to the next step: performing. It was a small show at a bar his dad’s best friend Lyle owned. It was the only place that would allow a bunch of highschoolers to make a big racket and turn a blind eye to their ages, as long as they didn’t linger around the bar area. No doubt Sumo and his two bandmates would be playing for a mostly middle aged, cigarette-blackened lung crowd, but he was going to take what he could get. And of course, his friends and family would attend. He hadn’t stopped talking about the set list and how pumped he was to get his very first gig.
Now, back in the car and crashing down from his sugar high, Sumo’s excitement had turned to absolute despair as he thought of every single worst case scenario possible. As Clarence’s mother merged onto the I-10 highway to get home, Sumo depicted a scenario of the show-goers armed with rotten tomatoes to be thrown at him.
“I’ll smell like ketchup, Jeff!” He panicked wide eyed, grabbing the boy sitting next to him by the shirt collar.
“So? You love ketchup.” Jeff gagged slightly as he recalled a young Sumo drenching his burger in the red goo at Rough Riders Chicken.
Sumo either ignored him or didn’t hear as he let go and continued rambling, turning to Clarence. “oh god, what if we suck so bad that the patrons complain to management and then Lyle hates my dad forever and then my dad hates ME forever?”
Clarence patted Sumo on the head and smiled sympathetically. “Sumo, you know your dad would never hate you. Remember when Joseph and Tanner threw a bowling ball at the truck’s windshield? He was so mad, but I saw him just last week having a great time with them.”
“Yeah man, but that’s fixable. This might ruin his friendship, you can’t always repair a friendship!”
“Sumo, it’s going to be fine,” Jeff said calmly, placing a hand on Sumo’s shoulder. “You practice all the time and people always stop by the garage and listen if they’re passing by. You know people like it. At least enough to not come at you with torches and pitchforks.”
“Exactly! And Jeff and I will be there to cheer the loudest and give anyone ugly looks if they say anything mean,” Clarence chimed in.
“I’ll be there, too!” Mary piped up. “I promise I’m not eavesdropping, but it kinda sounds like you need a mom right now.” She briefly met eyes with Sumo in the rearview mirror before turning her attention back to the road. “Sumo, sweetie, I’ve heard you guys play and I like it. And you know I'm not one for much other than my 80s music, so that’s really saying something. Chad is super excited to be there too. Your dad– no, both your parents are so proud of you. Stop worrying so much about what people will think, and try to enjoy yourself. You’re going to perform! Not everyone can say that, and you’ve worked so hard for it.”
There was silence in the back seat as Jeff and Clarence looked at their friend for a reaction.
Sumo took in a shuddery breath, calming down. “You’re right, Ms. W. Thank you. Sorry for spinning out. I don’t know why I’m freaking out so bad, I usually never care what people think.”
“It’s understandable, honey. It’s something you’re really passionate about. Nothing wrong with that.”
“You’ll still help us with our hair and makeup, right?”
Mary chuckled. “Of course! I’ll be more than happy to add doing a rockstar’s hair to my resume.”
Sumo smiled, and Jeff squeezed his shoulder, not even noticing he had still had his hand on him all this time.
“Now,” Mary continued, “let’s listen to some jams to pump us back up for tomorrow!”
The boys cheered from the back and sang along to Here I Go Again from Mary’s usual 80s playlist.
Sumo glanced over and smiled at Jeff, still singing. Jeff thought his heart would stop right then and there.
---–
The hotel door opened and Jeff sat up quickly.
“Jeffrey? Are you here? You didn’t answer my texts.”
“Hey! Sorry about that. I didn’t hear my notifications.”
James made a face at that, but didn’t press on. “Anyway, are you almost ready?” He appraised Jeff’s state of undress with a raised eyebrow. “I had told you that I would be done in about an hour.”
“Yeah, sorry,” Jeff responded softly. “I just need to get dressed.”
“Please. I’m starving.”
Jeff moved to the rack where he had hung his suit to prevent wrinkles. It was something James had picked out for him. Back when they were first dating, Jeff appreciated the gifts. This was before he realized that James was buying him things to avoid embarrassment by being seen with him in non designer clothes.
He dressed quickly to placate James, and gave him the thumbs up when he was ready.
“Perfect! What a great suit, where did you get that from?” James smirked, his attempt at comedy. Jeff gave a small chuckle. “Well, I booked an Uber. It should be here soon,” James stated, pulling out his phone.
“Are you sure? It’s only about a 15 minute walk. It could be fun to sight see.”
“In this dreadful heat? Definitely not. You’ll get all sweaty.”
“Just me?” Jeff questioned quietly, but James had definitely heard if the disgusted look on his face was any indication.
James shook his head and continued to tap at his phone. “You’re insufferable.”
Jeff tuned it out. James had gotten progressively meaner after their first year together. It pained him deeply to think, but Sumo had been right. James was judgmental. After the initial spark of the relationship had worn off, Jeff realized little by little that this was not a good relationship. But his pride was too much. And he couldn’t stray from his rigid thinking. This was what was part of his life plan. Become an accountant. Be with someone rich and successful. Have stability in his life.
He didn't know why that mattered. But it did. It was the same reason that the daily schedule that he created in his own mind mattered. It mattered when he was placed in the crayon level class back in the fourth grade. It mattered when he broke up with Sumo. Sumo didn’t have a life plan, and that scared Jeff away. Enough to lose him forever.
Jeff wasn’t sure why he was like this. He wondered at times if the sperm donor that EJ had used to give birth to him was to blame for this. He didn’t know if anyone was to blame. He hated it sometimes. All the time. He couldn’t stop these thoughts from happening and it ruined so much for him. He knew it ruined his own happiness. But he had to keep the thoughts away, and that was the sacrifice he needed to make.
He used to get therapy, back in high school. EJ and Sue had finally had enough. Jeff had always protested getting help, and they believed in his autonomy, but after he almost seriously injured himself becoming so upset about nearly failing a class–gym class! Who cared?! But failing was not part of the life plan–in freshman year, they had forcibly taken him to talk to someone. And it had helped. He was able to enjoy things more. Of course, his old habits remained, but he was more willing to take risks and prioritize his happiness. The mean voice in his head could be quashed.
When James had learned of his going to therapy, he worried how that would affect his image in the business world. Jeff was so in love and figured he had gone to therapy long enough anyway, so he decided to stop going. He didn’t want to ruin James’s reputation. EJ and Sue were furious. But again, they told him he was an adult and could make his own decisions.
Maybe now that James will have an established career I can go back. Just to get the thoughts away, just to be happy again. Maybe even to get out of this rela–
“Uber’s here!” James announced, snapping Jeff out of his thoughts.
He hurried out of the room and rode down the elevator with him. They got into the Uber, and were greeted by the friendly driver. James cut him off. “Golden Pan.” The driver scowled at James’s rude behavior, but he didn’t notice as he began tapping away at his phone again.
“Hello sir, thank you for picking us up. We’re heading for the Golden Pan,” Jeff piped up.
“Got it, I’ll get you there lickety split!” The driver offered a smile to Jeff.
Jeff took in the sights of the downtown area as they drove. When they rolled up to a stoplight, he inspected the buildings more closely. There was a bar on the corner with multiple posters hung up on the outside, advertising upcoming musicians and comedy acts. Jeff scanned them idly.
SATURDAY MAY 28th. $10.
Huh, tomorrow night.
9 pm DOORS OPEN, 10 pm SHOW.
DROWNING STONES.
Jeff had never heard of them, but then again he wasn’t well versed in that type of music if the skulls and flames in the background were any indication of what kind of music it was. In smaller letters underneath, the opening band was listed. His breath hitched.
OPENING ACT BY DESERT VOYAGER.
Oh.
My.
God.