Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jeff thought that this would have been more exciting. The prospect of moving to Phoenix had seemed so promising, but here he was laying down on a lumpy mattress in a bare hotel room while his boyfriend gallivanted around his fancy new workplace. Though he could afford it, he always skimped where he could. Thus landing them in this 2 star hotel. 

He huffed and flipped onto his back. His heart twinged with jealousy as he thought about James leaving him behind as he met with all those hot shot CEOs in a downtown office building. That could have been me, he thought sullenly. 

But it isn’t, the mean little voice in his head replied. You dropped out for him. 

As soon as Jeff graduated from high school he started working on his degree in accounting. It would be a no-nonsense, secure job that had to do with numbers. Something he could really get behind. His mothers, despite their hippie, anti-corporate tendencies, supported him and were glad that their son had found something that would make him happy. 

And then he met James.

 It was in a business class, and the two of them sat in the front row next to each other. After half a semester of shy, nervous exchanges, they began studying together. It was only fitting that the people with the highest grades in class helped each other out. They ventured out of study sessions in the library to study dates at the coffee shop, and eventually they dropped the studying and just went on dates. 

Jeff was smitten. James was smart, ambitious, dedicated, and his family was a well-respected one. The fact that he was 7 years older than Jeff didn’t matter to him. He was nineteen, in love, and two years later James was being offered a job in Phoenix as an auditor for a large company. When James asked his boyfriend to come along and live with him, Jeff couldn’t say no. This was a great opportunity and a big step in their relationship. This also meant he would have to leave his studies for the time being and hopefully pick them up again once they were stable in Phoenix. 

His mothers weren’t too thrilled about the plan; they weren’t even too thrilled about James in the first place. EJ and Sue often worried about someone as uptight as James being with their even higher-strung son. He needed someone to balance him out, not get him all worked up, and the relationship didn’t seem healthy to them. This, coupled with the fact that James Wyatt’s family were extremely snooty,  made the Randell women wary of their son’s love interest. However, they relented knowing that Jeff, at twenty-one years old, was now an adult and could make his own decisions, and made this clear to him.

So here he was as a result of that decision, staring up at the popcorn ceiling and thinking about the events that led up to where he was now. Jeff let out a sigh. He had wanted to accompany his boyfriend on his trip downtown, but James told him not to.

“It would only look bad,” he had said. “Like I’ll be bringing you to work. It’s unprofessional.” 

Jeff wanted to yell at him, scream, that he wasn’t stupid and had planned on hanging around some shops downtown instead of going to the office. But James had left before Jeff had finished showering. He can be so inconsiderate, he thought. Refusing to continue to mope, he pushed himself off the bed. He made sure to grab the remaining room keycard and venture into the hotel’s lobby. He spotted an area that had brochures of nearby attractions. Scanning them, he saw a blue one with an anthropomorphic smiling water drop on it. He let out a small chuckle and picked up the brochure advertising Squirty’s Moist Mountain water park. Jeff couldn’t help but reminisce about his adventures there. The trio went there every summer, and it was a miracle that they didn’t get banned despite all the shenanigans they would get into. Clarence insisted on taking a group picture with Squirty each year, and Jeff laughed softly to himself. I think I have those photos in a box back home. He frowned and corrected his thought. I mean they’re at mom’s house. This is home now, as soon as we get the apartment. 

He sighed and headed outside, shielding his eyes from the bright Arizona sun with the brochure. He noticed a small coffee shop next door to the hotel earlier, so he went there and ordered an iced tea. He had wanted a coffee from there in the morning, but James had told him to “just make some in the coffeemaker in the hotel room.” It was an old machine that caused the coffee grounds to settle into the bottom of the pot, making for a disgusting cup of coffee. Shaking the thought away, he picked up a newspaper and sat at a table, sipping his tea and unfolding the paper. Occupied by his memories, he kept re-reading the same line in one of the articles. He put the paper down and his gaze fell back onto the brochure, which had a big picture of the most popular attraction: the Curd Churner. 

After his first ride down the Curd Churner, he was addicted. Once it was rebuilt the following summer, he happily waited in line to slide down with his friends despite Sumo’s disgusting tradition of barfing on someone each time. 

Though he and his friends had gone through different things in life and had very different personalities, they hadn’t drifted apart in high school like everyone expected them to. Others thought the uptight nerd, the unhinged rebel, and the sweet outgoing kid wouldn’t last, but up until college they had been inseparable.

Jeff’s heart sank. It was his fault they no longer talked. He turned his attention back to the newspaper and took a sip of tea, but he couldn’t bring himself to read. He hated thinking about Clarence and Sumo sometimes. The guilt was too much for him to bear and he always felt like throwing up when the thought came into his head. 

He had drifted from them because of James. His boyfriend had been critical of his friends and being the snooty person he was, he had never outright said anything about them, but it was clear to Jeff what he thought of them. Upon meeting James, Clarence and Sumo had found his snootiness off-putting, but ignored it to please their best friend. Sumo had kept his composure for three whole months until he just had to tell him something about James. Jeff replayed the memory in his head many times, so he remembered in detail how Sumo had arrived at his house unannounced.

—-----

 It was January 3rd. It seemed like an innocent enough visit at first; he asked if he could have a soda and they played a racing video game for an hour. Sumo kept losing. Jeff had laughed, teasing him about it and Sumo let out a fake chuckle, wiping his hands on his ripped jeans.

 “So… How are you and James doing?” Sumo had asked him, sounding rehearsed. 

He told him of their most recent date at some fancy restaurant with James’s colleagues, and he noticed his friend’s gaze hardened as he spoke. He mentioned, chuckling slightly, that James had scolded him for mispronouncing one of the menu items when he was ordering, making somewhat of a scene, and he was taken aback when Sumo’s eyebrows knit together.

 “Why do you let him treat you like that?” he interrupted. 

“Wh-what? Sumo he’s just like that, it wasn’t a big deal. It was more funny than anyth—”

“He threw a tantrum. That’s not funny, it’s fucking weird.” 

“Well you don’t know him. It’s how he plays around.”

Jeff’s eyes flicked to Sumo’s ears. They were reddish, something that always happened when his temper flared up.

“He plays around by insulting and judging you? I’ve seen it myself, Jeff. Remember that time he was calling you stupid when you made that mistake on a test you guys took?”

“He wasn’t calling me stupid, he just said the mistake was stupid.”

“Are you even hearing yourself right now? This is ridiculous. You’re being ridiculous, Jeff.”

“Now you’re the one who’s insulting me, and you think you know what’s best for me?”

“I’m not insulting you, I’m just trying to make you understand that this isn’t healthy.” Sumo was getting worked up, raising his voice. He could never stay calm for very long. 

Neither could Jeff.

“Like you would know what a healthy relationship looks like!”

That noticeably bothered Sumo, but he ignored the jab and kept on. “Do I need to spell it out for you? He encourages you not to see your friends, because we all know what he thinks of us, and you think that’s normal?”

“So you’re just mad that we don’t hang out as often. You’re being selfish.”

Sumo laughed in disbelief. “Uh, no. First, he starts treating me and Clarence like shit, and suddenly you stop coming over as often and when you do, you lie about where you are when he texts you.”

Despite himself, he felt tears prick at his eyes. “No, it’s just that I don’t want him to be jealous. He always said that I liked you better than him.” 

Sumo’s eyes softened upon seeing Jeff’s tears. “We’re just worried about you, man. This isn’t normal. And so what if you do like us better? We’ve been your friends forever.”

Jeff shifted his gaze downward. “No, Ryan .” Sumo visibly flinched hearing Jeff call him by his actual name. He hadn’t used that outside of them dating or when he was really, really mad at him. “You know why he’s jealous.”

Sumo pursed his lips before speaking. “It’s his problem if he doesn’t feel confident or trust you enough for you to still be hanging around with me. He knows we’re over and you’ve never given him any reason to worry about it. It’s obvious how much you love him. We’re friends.” Sumo’s voice strained. 

Noticing Sumo’s eyes beginning to water, realization hit Jeff. “You’re still not over me. You’re jealous.”

“What?” Sumo spluttered. “Are you fucking kidding me? That’s what you’re getting from this? I’m trying to help you see how fucked up your goddamned relationship is!” 

“You’re just trying to help yourself! You’re being selfish, you just want James out of the picture so you can try to make us” –he gestured between the two of them– “work again. But it won’t! You have nothing going for you.”

Sumo looked like he had been slapped. He stood up and headed towards the door, but stopped himself to get one last thing in. “You know what? I came here because I care about you. Not because I’m trying to get anything out of this. I love you Jeff.  I’m not gonna deny it. You’re my best friend and I’m worried about you. But if you’re gonna be a dick and not let me help you, there’s nothing else I can do.” He opened the door, and before exiting, he gave Jeff a hard gaze. “I tried. Obviously I can’t change your mind.”

—-----

That had been about two years ago, but Jeff still hated himself for how he acted. He  had lost Sumo forever after that. Jeff had tried calling him two weeks after that fight, had tried about four times, but Sumo never picked up. Never answered texts. Of course, he went to Clarence, who he gathered had already heard about the whole thing from Sumo. He saw a look of disappointment that he had never seen before from his longtime friend, and felt like his heart froze over.  Clarence had remained vague, simply stating, “You really, really hurt him this time, Jeff.”  

It still hurt badly for Jeff, too. Sumo, despite being his ex boyfriend, was still his best friend at the time. They had known each other too long to be strangers after the break up. 

Jeff shifted in his chair and took another sip of his tea, the coldness soothing his anxieties from remembering that conversation. He checked his text messages to see if James had sent him anything. Nothing. He scrolled through his sparse messages–he didn’t really have friends anymore– regrettably realizing he had not answered a text Clarence sent him asking how he was. It was from two months ago and he felt too guilty to answer it now. It would be too awkward.  Sumo’s last message from more than two years ago (yes, he still kept it), was a dumb meme Sumo had thought to share with him.

Jeff, realizing he was still gripping the brochure, placed it face down on the table not wanting to look at the Squirty mascot any longer. It held too many memories and always made Jeff think of when he first started registering his true feelings for Sumo. He rubbed at his temples. That’s not a part of my life anymore. I have James now. He got up, grabbing his newspaper, brochure, and empty cup. He threw the cup away, folded the newspaper neatly and placed it back where he found it, and held onto the brochure. It would be a waste to throw it away. I’ll put it back when I get to the hotel. Jeff walked along the sidewalk, looking into the shop windows to see if anything caught his eye. He walked into a crystal shop, and was greeted by an airy voice, belonging to the cashier. 

“Let me know if there’s anything you need help finding,” she said, smiling with kind eyes. Jeff gave her a smile in response. 

He walked through the store, taking in the smell of incense and lightly touched a rose quartz tower. He remembered his mother, Sue, explaining to him that rose quartz was the crystal of love. She had kissed his forehead and given him one when he was 16, instructing him to place it under his pillow. 

“It will help with self-love, Jeffy. And also for attracting unconditional love. I want you to be happy and surrounded by love and light always. I know you’re having a hard time right now. Good things will come to you in their own time. Your mother and I love you so much.”

Jeff had obviously never thought there was anything wrong with being attracted to the same gender. His mothers were a beautiful example of this love. But he knew there was still hatred in the world and the thought of  yet another aspect of difference in him had affected him negatively. 

“You know, obviously, your mother and I went through the exact same thing. Of course it was a different time. The beautiful thing is that your friends love you so much. If you decide to tell them, you know they will accept you as you are. They always have. But maybe the crystal will help you have some peace of mind.” She smiled beautifully at him.

And it had. When he eventually came out to his friends the following month, Clarence had hugged him and Sumo clapped him on the back. 

“You know we love you no matter what, dude,” Sumo beamed at him, the tips of his ears reddened. Jeff filed that away in the back of his mind. 

“Oh Jeff, I’m so proud of you!” Clarence teared up. 

In the next few days, he had to stop Clarence from throwing him a rainbow-themed party after Sumo told him about it. But the love was there.

Jeff never bought into the crystals, but it had eased his anxiety that time. Maybe this time he could use a little extra help. Just to aid a bit during this change in my life. There’s nothing wrong with a little more self love, is there?

Jeff picked up a small heart shaped rose quartz. The sticker on the bottom had “$5” printed on it. He took it up to the register. 

The woman smiled at him. “Will that be all, dear?” Jeff nodded. “Five dollars, please. Tax is already included.”

Jeff handed her a bill from his wallet. 

“I hope this helps you, whatever it may be that you need.”

Jeff gave a smile. “Thank you.” He exited the shop, placing the crystal in his pocket. James won’t let me hear the end of it if he sees this. He thinks it’s a load of crap. Jeff frowned. He wasn’t a huge fan of crystals, but couldn’t stand when someone judged his mothers. James had made a snarky comment or two (or ten) about it, and it irked him to no end. Just another thing he made an effort to ignore about him. 

He continued walking, and his phone began to ring. It was James.

“Hey babe,” Jeff answered, shaking away the earlier annoyed thoughts he had about him. 

“Hello Jeffery!” James had never called him Jeff, or any pet names, really. It was always very formal. Jeffery. “I am almost done with my meeting. We negotiated my pay and they toured me through the building. I just need to fill out a bit more paperwork and then I’ll be done. Should be another hour or so.” 

“Congratulations, honey! I’m so proud of you.”

“I thought you’d like to take me to lunch as a celebration after.”

“Oh uh, yeah! Wherever you want. I’d be glad to.”

“Perfect. I was thinking of the Golden Pan.”

Jeff winced. That was really expensive. His part-time clerical job had paid well, but he had already put in his two weeks notice to move over here within the next month and needed to save what he could. He supposed it was the least he could do, since James would be supporting him for a while. At least until he found a job. He knew James wouldn’t support him for too long.  

“Sure, you deserve it.”

“I’ll see you soon. You’re at the hotel, yes?”

“No, but I’ll head back. Meet you there.”

“Goodbye!”

James had hung up before Jeff could lower the phone from his ear. Great. He didn’t even like the food at the Golden Pan. 

On a trip to Phoenix when he was younger, Sue and EJ had scrunched up their noses as they passed by the restaurant. 

“Look at all those corrupt businessmen eating that awful foie gras”, EJ had grimaced. Sue shook her head gravely, and Jeff frowned. He knew foie gras was made by force feeding ducks. It went against everything his mothers believed in. 

James loved it. He hoped tonight he would just get steak. 

Jeff walked briskly back to the hotel. He knew he’d have to start getting ready, as there was a dress code at the Golden Pan. He appreciated the view as he walked. Aberdale had its own charm, but it wasn’t the big city  that Phoenix was. I’ll have to get used to this anyway. This is my new home. 

Jeff entered the air conditioned hotel, smiled at the man at the front desk, and made his way to the elevator. Jeff pressed the button reading “4” then stuck his hand in his pocket, subconsciously rubbing the rose quartz heart. He fished out his hotel key card and inserted it into the door, the green light indicating it was unlocked. It was then he realized that he still had the Squirty’s brochure in his hand. He placed it on the nightstand when he walked in, and put the rose quartz on top of it. 

He then undressed, showered, combed his hair, performed his skincare routine, and sat on the bed in his underwear. It had been 40 minutes since James had called him. He had a few minutes to relax. He moved to lay down, and turned towards the night stand. The Squirty mascot on the brochure, slightly obscured by the rose quartz, smiled up at him. The thoughts he had attempted to push away earlier at the cafe came rushing through his mind now, and despite him not wanting to dwell on them, they were relentless.

–----

It was at the water park, July 16th, a Wednesday. EJ and Sue had driven them there. They were 13, and had gone in celebration for Sumo’s birthday. The park had made a few upgrades after being shut down and reopened yet again for code violations. They had added a few carnival games, and the boys had been eager to try them out. 

Clarence played a fishing game with small children, winning candies and making toddlers cry when they lost time after time. Jeff opted for a dart throwing game, popping balloons and using his physics smarts to ensure he got the prize he wanted, a Robocourt lunchbox. Sumo used his brute strength to throw balls at milk bottles. The person running the booth looked in disbelief as the weighted milk bottles were no match for the unhinged adolescent.

Sumo proudly looked over at Jeff who had sidled up next to him to watch in awe. “Wow Sumo, you got all of them! I for sure thought these were rigged!” 

The booth attendant gave an annoyed glance towards Jeff at his revelation. “C’mon kid, pick your prize and get outta here.”

Sumo scanned the shelves, his eyes settling on one giant toy in particular. “I’ll take that one!” He pointed, and the attendant took it down and gave it to him. 

“Here ya go, buddy,” Sumo grinned, handing the huge Robofrog plush to Jeff, who stared at him in disbelief. 

“Wha–? Why are you giving this to me? You should pick something out for yourself, you won it!”

“Nah. I wanted to give you this as a thank you for celebrating my birthday with me.” 

Jeff was taken aback. Though they had been friends for almost 3 years, Sumo never failed to surprise him with how sentimental he could be at times. 

“Thank you so much, Sumo. I love it.” He beamed at his friend, whose ears reddened just slightly, thought it was hard to tell with how tanned he was. 

“No problem, man.”

“Wait, what about Clarence?”

They both looked over to Clarence who was surrounded by disgruntled parents giving him dirty looks for monopolizing the game and not letting their small children win. He caught their gazes and grinned, giving a thumbs up and showing them his armful of candies.

“Uh, I think he’s good.”

Jeff had his first strange, flip-floppy feeling in his stomach about Sumo that day.

-

It was August 3rd. They were 15. It was two weeks before their sophomore year started. Clarence had caught this weird summer flu and they had had plans to visit Squirty’s for weeks. 

“Go on without me,” Clarence had told them dramatically, placing a hand to his forehead as he lay in bed surrounded by snot tissues. 

So go they did. Sumo’s mom drove them there as a retreat from her other eleven children. She needed the break as much as the teens needed the ride there. 

“Go on, kids. I’m driving to the city to get a massage and a manicure. Call me when you’re done and I’ll come pick you up.” She drove off– a little too quickly, Jeff noted– as soon as the boys jumped out. 

It was weird for both of them, being at Squirty’s as just a duo for the first time of their 5 year tradition. It didn’t make it any less fun. They rode the Curd Churner six times in a row, Sumo adding yet another barf souvenir picture to his collection. Adrenaline was coursing through their veins, and they bumped shoulders as they walked giddily throughout the park. 

“Sumo, look at that!” Jeff tugged on Sumo’s shirt. 

Sumo narrowed his eyes trying to see what Jeff was looking at, and his eyes widened when he saw Jeff’s ride of interest. 

“A tunnel of love?” Sumo scoffed, and then laughed. “Why the hell would they build that, is this the freaking 1960s?”

“C’mon Sumo, don’t you know how rare these things are? There’s only like 9 left in the world! Well, I guess 10 now. We’d experience a part of history!  Please?!”

“Ugh fine, dude. Let’s get this over with.”

They made their way over to the line, only accompanied by a few awkward teen couples and one elderly couple who looked at each other and smiled fondly, no doubt reliving some old memories.

Sumo rolled his eyes, faking gagging. 

“Sumo don’t be rude, love is a beautiful thing!”

“Whatever man, have you ever even been in love?” Sumo narrowed his eyes at him. 

“Well, I guess not, but still!” Jeff blushed despite himself. After a beat of silence, “Have you?”

Sumo’s eyes widened, not expecting Jeff to have replied in that way. “Oh, uh, well no. Gross, who would I have even been in love with?” His ears reddened. Jeff took note of this. 

“Sumo, you’ve had like three girlfriends.”

“Yeah man, but that wasn’t love. It was just me being dumb and seeing what it was all about.”

“Hmm.” 

Neither boy could say anything more, as the ride operator ushered them onto their own boat. She gave them a bored expression, “No standing up, no rocking the boat, no touching the water. And please, keep it PG. I don’t want to have to ban you guys from Squirty’s.”

“Hey man, it’s not like that!” Sumo spluttered.

“What? No, we’re just experiencing the history and viewing the mechanics!” Jeff objected.

The operator shrugged. “Sure dudes. Whatever. I don’t judge. Have fun,” she smirked and pulled a lever to start the ride. 

Sumo flipped her off, as they entered the tunnel and the operator returned the gesture. 

“Ugh, what the hell was her problem? She thinks we’re together!”

The teens looked at each other, but it was too dark to read the other’s expressions. 

“Not that there’s anything wrong with that! Fuck, I’m sorry Jeff. You know I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. Shit, your moms–”

“I know you didn’t mean anything bad, Sumo. I guess she just doesn’t often see people enjoying the Tunnel of Love for what it is. Let’s just appreciate the ride.”

Sumo nodded and faced forward, trying to take in the scenery. In the dark, neither of them realized the other’s face burning up. 

A few days later they visited Clarence who had received a clean bill of health from the doctor. He looked between the two of them suspiciously, knowingly, but said nothing.

---

It was June 23rd, a Friday. Jeff and Clarence were 17, and Sumo was enjoying his last few weeks of 16. Clarence’s mom had driven them out for their annual trip to Squirty’s, glad that they still had the innocence to continue their tradition. They could be out doing God knows what , she told herself as she looked in the rearview mirror at the trio. 

They had gone on every ride, and took the customary turns on their beloved Curd Churner. Hopped up on cotton candy, sodas, and the pure adrenaline that only a giant water slide could provide, the boys were wired. Sumo had already been vibrating with excitement all day. His band, Desert Voyager, was going to play the next night. They had been together and practicing for about a year at this point, and Sumo was ready to move to the next step: performing. It was a small show at a bar his dad’s best friend Lyle owned. It was the only place that would allow a bunch of highschoolers to make a big racket and turn a blind eye to their ages, as long as they didn’t linger around the bar area. No doubt Sumo and his two bandmates would be playing for a mostly middle aged, cigarette-blackened lung crowd, but he was going to take what he could get. And of course, his friends and family would attend. He hadn’t stopped talking about the set list and how pumped he was to get his very first gig. 

Now, back in the car and crashing down from his sugar high, Sumo’s excitement had turned to absolute despair as he thought of every single worst case scenario possible. As Clarence’s mother merged onto the I-10 highway to get home, Sumo depicted a scenario of the show-goers armed with rotten tomatoes to be thrown at him. 

“I’ll smell like ketchup, Jeff!” He panicked wide eyed, grabbing the boy sitting next to him by the shirt collar. 

“So? You love ketchup.” Jeff gagged slightly  as he recalled a young Sumo drenching his burger in the red goo at Rough Riders Chicken. 

Sumo either ignored him or didn’t hear as he let go and continued rambling, turning to Clarence. “oh god, what if we suck so bad that the patrons complain to management and then Lyle hates my dad forever and then my dad hates ME forever?” 

Clarence patted Sumo on the head and smiled sympathetically. “Sumo, you know your dad would never hate you. Remember when Joseph and Tanner threw a bowling ball at the truck’s windshield? He was so mad, but I saw him just last week having a great time with them.” 

“Yeah man, but that’s fixable. This might ruin his friendship, you can’t always repair a friendship!”

“Sumo, it’s going to be fine,” Jeff said calmly, placing a hand on Sumo’s shoulder. “You practice all the time and people always stop by the garage and listen if they’re passing by. You know people like it. At least enough to not come at you with torches and pitchforks.”

“Exactly! And Jeff and I will be there to cheer the loudest and give anyone ugly looks if they say anything mean,” Clarence chimed in. 

“I’ll be there, too!” Mary piped up. “I promise I’m not eavesdropping, but it kinda sounds like you need a mom right now.” She briefly met eyes with Sumo in the rearview mirror before turning her attention back to the road. “Sumo, sweetie, I’ve heard you guys play and I like it. And you know I'm not one for much other than my 80s music, so that’s really saying something. Chad is super excited to be there too. Your dad– no, both your parents are so proud of you. Stop worrying so much about what people will think, and try to enjoy yourself. You’re going to perform! Not everyone can say that, and you’ve worked so hard for it.”

There was silence in the back seat as Jeff and Clarence looked at their friend for a reaction. 

Sumo took in a shuddery breath, calming down. “You’re right, Ms. W. Thank you. Sorry for spinning out. I don’t know why I’m freaking out so bad, I usually never care what people think.”

“It’s understandable, honey. It’s something you’re really passionate about. Nothing wrong with that.”

“You’ll still help us with our hair and makeup, right?”

Mary chuckled. “Of course! I’ll be more than happy to add doing a rockstar’s hair to my resume.”

Sumo smiled, and Jeff squeezed his shoulder, not even noticing he had still had his hand on him all this time. 

“Now,” Mary continued, “let’s listen to some jams to pump us back up for tomorrow!”

The boys cheered from the back and sang along to Here I Go Again from Mary’s usual 80s playlist. 

Sumo glanced over and smiled at Jeff, still singing. Jeff thought his heart would stop right then and there.

---– 

The hotel door opened and Jeff sat up quickly. 

“Jeffrey? Are you here? You didn’t answer my texts.”

“Hey! Sorry about that. I didn’t hear my notifications.”

James made a face at that, but didn’t press on. “Anyway, are you almost ready?” He appraised Jeff’s state of undress with a raised eyebrow. “I had told you that I would be done in about an hour.”

“Yeah, sorry,” Jeff responded softly. “I just need to get dressed.”

“Please. I’m starving.”

Jeff moved to the rack where he had hung his suit to prevent wrinkles. It was something James had picked out for him. Back when they were first dating,  Jeff appreciated the gifts. This was before he realized that James was buying him things to avoid embarrassment by being seen with him in non designer clothes.

He dressed quickly to placate James, and gave him the thumbs up when he was ready. 

“Perfect! What a great suit, where did you get that from?” James smirked, his attempt at comedy. Jeff gave a small chuckle. “Well, I booked an Uber. It should be here soon,” James stated, pulling out his phone. 

“Are you sure? It’s only about a 15 minute walk. It could be fun to sight see.”

“In this dreadful heat? Definitely not. You’ll get all sweaty.”

“Just me?” Jeff questioned quietly, but James had definitely heard if the disgusted look on his face was any indication.

 James shook his head and continued to tap at his phone. “You’re insufferable.”

Jeff tuned it out. James had gotten progressively meaner after their first year together. It pained him deeply to think, but Sumo had been right. James was judgmental. After the initial spark of the relationship had worn off, Jeff realized little by little that this was not a good relationship. But his pride was too much. And he couldn’t stray from his rigid thinking. This was what was part of his life plan. Become an accountant. Be with someone rich and successful. Have stability in his life. 

He didn't know why that mattered. But it did. It was the same reason that the daily schedule that he created in his own mind mattered. It mattered when he was placed in the crayon level class back in the fourth grade. It mattered when he broke up with Sumo. Sumo didn’t have a life plan, and that scared Jeff away. Enough to lose him forever. 

Jeff wasn’t sure why he was like this. He wondered at times if the sperm donor that EJ had used to give birth to him was to blame for this. He didn’t know if anyone was to blame. He hated it sometimes. All the time. He couldn’t stop these thoughts from happening and it ruined so much for him. He knew it ruined his own happiness. But he had to keep the thoughts away, and that was the sacrifice he needed to make. 

He used to get therapy, back in high school. EJ and Sue had finally had enough. Jeff had always protested getting help, and they believed in his autonomy, but after he almost seriously injured himself becoming so upset about nearly failing a class–gym class! Who cared?! But failing was not part of the life plan–in freshman year, they had forcibly taken him to talk to someone. And it had helped. He was able to enjoy things more. Of course, his old habits remained, but he was more willing to take risks and prioritize his happiness. The mean voice in his head could be quashed. 

When James had learned of his going to therapy, he worried how that would affect his image in the business world. Jeff was so in love and figured he had gone to therapy long enough anyway, so he decided to stop going. He didn’t want to ruin James’s reputation. EJ and Sue were furious. But again, they told him he was an adult and could make his own decisions. 

Maybe now that James will have an established career I can go back. Just to get the thoughts away, just to be happy again. Maybe even to get out of this rela–

“Uber’s here!” James announced, snapping Jeff out of his thoughts. 

He hurried out of the room and rode down the elevator with him. They got into the Uber, and were greeted by the friendly driver. James cut him off. “Golden Pan.” The driver scowled at James’s rude behavior, but he didn’t notice as he began tapping away at his phone again. 

“Hello sir, thank you for picking us up. We’re heading for the Golden Pan,” Jeff piped up.

“Got it, I’ll get you there lickety split!” The driver offered a smile to Jeff. 

Jeff took in the sights of the downtown area as they drove. When they rolled up to a stoplight, he inspected the buildings more closely. There was a bar on the corner with multiple posters hung up on the outside, advertising upcoming musicians and comedy acts. Jeff scanned them idly. 

SATURDAY MAY 28th. $10. 

Huh, tomorrow night. 

9 pm DOORS OPEN, 10 pm SHOW. 

DROWNING STONES.

Jeff had never heard of them, but then again he wasn’t well versed in that type of music if the skulls and flames in the background were any indication of what kind of music it was. In smaller letters underneath, the opening band was listed. His breath hitched. 

OPENING ACT BY DESERT VOYAGER. 

Oh. 

My.

God.

Chapter Text

Jeff's eyes widened. He read the poster again and again until the Uber continued moving  and he couldn't see it any longer. Desert. Fucking. Voyager?! Jeff rarely cussed, even in his thoughts, but he felt this was warranted. His stomach flipped and his heart raced. Tomorrow night. There’s no way it can be the same. There has to be another band called that. He groaned internally. It had been written in the familiar font he remembered back in high school. Idiot, of course it’s the same band. 

The car came to a halt, and the driver looked back at Jeff, ignoring James. “Okay, we’re here! Thank you for riding with me today, enjoy your meal!” James said nothing, and exited the Uber.

“Thank you very much, sir,” Jeff responded, and fished out a five dollar bill from his wallet to give to the driver. He knew James never tipped online. 

“Have a good day. Thank you for the tip,” the driver looked into Jeff’s eyes, and he saw the unspoken words. Why are you with that man?

Jeff gave him a tightlipped smile. He was used to that look from people by now. 

“Well, Jefferey, we’re here!” James beamed. “I have been waiting for this meal all morning! My reward for getting this job.”

“Heh. Yeah,” Jeff smiled weakly. The words from the poster were burned into his mind. He couldn't think about anything else. 

They were seated, and James ordered a bottle of wine for both of them. An expensive one, of course. Jeff sipped on his, not even really caring to drink much. He ordered a salad, doubting he could eat much else with all the butterflies in his stomach. 

For once, he was glad James talked throughout their meal without letting him get a word in, nor cared to ask him about his day. He didn’t think he could respond with his thoughts racing a mile a minute. 

Sumo will be here tomorrow. Sumo. Tomorrow. Playing the fucking drums. Jeff definitely pushed away the thought of the last time he saw his ex boyfriend/best friend playing the drums, his arm muscles rippling as he banged away. Fuck. He took a particularly large gulp of wine. 

His mind drifted back to hearing James droning on. “So I told them we were leaving Sunday midday. I figured tonight I would just stay in, order room service. Today was very exhausting getting everything taken care of. Then tomorrow evening they invited me out for dinner and drinks. I didn’t want to be rude, so I didn’t try to invite you. Sorry.”

“Oh. Yeah, totally fine,” Jeff responded. He really didn’t want to suffer through a dinner with new people around James. He’d make him seem stupid anyway. 

“I’m sure you’ll find something to do with yourself. You always do.” James gave him a tight smile and patted his hand. He skewered a piece of foie gras and placed it into his mouth. 

Of course, his thoughts trailed back to Desert Voyager. I’m just going to go back to the bar and see if I read that right. It probably said Deserted…Visionary. Yeah that’s what it was. I’m just going to go and check. Just in case. 

He was barely aware that James had started laughing, looking at him expectantly. He had probably just made a joke. Jeff laughed lightly along. 

“I guess you just had to be there, Jefferey”. 

After another 30 minutes of hearing James tell more  “scintillating tales” about the exciting world of auditing, the waiter came by and handed Jeff a nearly two hundred dollar bill. He winced internally and placed his credit card into the check presenter. 

“Thank you ever so much for my celebratory lunch, dearest,” James took Jeff’s hand into his and pressed a kiss on it. 

Like you gave me a choice. “You’re welcome, James.”

“Well, I suppose I had better book another Uber now.”

“James, I think I’ll walk back to the hotel.” James raised an eyebrow. “I know you said you’re exhausted and you’re just going back to the room. But I still want to look around a bit more.  I think I’ll pick up a candle at one of the little shops for you to take a candle lit bath while you relax tonight.”

James beamed. He loved when things were about him. “You spoil me so much, Jefferey.” 

Jeff rolled his eyes internally. “You deserve it!” Jeff was going to use James’s credit card to buy the candle anyway. He grabbed it earlier, and knew he wouldn’t notice anyway with all the money he spent on himself. 

James’s phone pinged, indicating his ride was here. “Well then, I’ll see you back at the hotel later. Try not to get that suit too dirty on your walk back.”

Jeff gave him a fake smile. He got up from his seat and exited the restaurant as soon as he saw James enter the Uber. Exiting back into the Arizona heat, it must be over 100 degrees right now, he removed his suit jacket and made a beeline for the bar he had seen earlier. He couldn’t remember the name, but it was almost a straight shot from the hotel. 

He sweated uncomfortably in his dress shirt, but finally the bar came into his view. He saw the name now, The Opulent Outlaw, but it wasn’t that that caught his attention. It was that damned poster. It might as well have been flashing neon at  him. He walked up right in front of it and he didn’t know why, but he pulled out his phone and took a picture. Probably to help convince himself. There it was. DESERT VOYAGER. He must have read and reread it about 10 times. Without even thinking, he moved to the door and pulled on it. 

It was locked. 

He pulled again, and then gathered the brain cells to look at the sign on the door. It opened at 5 pm. He checked his watch. 4:15. He could work with that. He did promise to buy a stupid candle after all. 

He walked to the same crystal shop he purchased the quartz from earlier, and the lady greeted him. “Back again? I hope you’re not coming to complain that the crystal hasn’t yet brought you what you desire. It takes time,” she smiled good naturedly, kidding Jeff. 

He smiled. “No, I’m being patient. I just need to pick something else up.”

“Well, you made it in time. We close at 5. Can I help you find anything?”

“I need a candle, please. Something calming.”

“Right this way,” she breezed over to a corner of the store, her flowy white dress wafting a scent that reminded him of his mom. Something inside him twinged. “I recommend this jasmine lavender candle. It smells beautiful,” she held it to his nose, and he took a deep whiff. It did smell beautiful, and he knew his mothers would have absolutely loved it. But it wasn’t the one. James hated flowery scents. 

The woman must have seen something pass on Jeff’s face so she continued, “I also have this eucalyptus and spearmint candle. It’s good stress relief.” Jeff took a deep whiff of this as well. Yes, this was the one for James. Sharp and potent. Jeff liked it well enough, but it definitely was not the comforting familiarity of the first one. 

Jeff thought for a moment. “I’ll take both of them.”

The woman smiled. “Are you in need of that much calming, dear?”

Jeff chuckled. “No, but when I smelled the first one, I just thought of someone who would love it.”

“Those are the best kinds of gifts. Ones that make you think of a person, without even having had the intent of gifting in the first place.”

Jeff nodded, a small smile on his face. “You’re right.”

“I’ll start bagging these up for you. Feel free to look around more if you wish.”

Jeff decided to kill a little more time since the bar did not open until 5. He browsed the other candle scents, sniffing a few that caught his attention. He picked up and smelled a citrus one. It reminded him of Clarence: happy, bubbly, uplifting. He smiled to himself. It’s really not too late to text him. I’ll send him a message soon. 

He placed the candle down and picked up another one, reading the label. Vetiver and tobacco. Weird. He furrowed his brow, unsure of what to expect. 

It hit him like a bus when he smelled it. 

It was Sumo. The scent was Sumo himself. It smelled like his cologne, and like the lingering scent of smoke on his clothes after he had a cigarette. Jeff had scolded him for smoking, worried about his lung health, but he secretly loved the way it mixed in with his natural scent.

 It smelled like shared memories. It smelled like nuzzling into him during a movie date. It smelled like Sumo coming up to kiss him during a break from band practice, as Jeff sat on an overturned paint bucket in his bandmate’s garage. It smelled like laying down in the bed of Sumo’s truck looking at the stars, Sumo listening to him talk about Copernicus and comets and never trying to silence him about it. 

Jeff put the candle down. Shit. I really am still in love with him. 

Jeff had never wanted to admit it, but he always sort of knew he wasn’t over Sumo. He loved Sumo with every fiber of his being. And how could he not? They had known each other since they were 9, suffered through every rough moment together, enjoyed every moment of bliss together. There had always been something there, something that neither of them shared with Clarence. Of course they both loved Clarence, but this was something entirely different. When they had finally, finally gotten together, everything was right in the world. For a while, at least. 

Jeff decided then and there that he was going to see Sumo play tomorrow. He had originally intended to go to the bar to just… well, he didn’t know what he was originally going to do. Ask the bartender about the band? See if they somehow knew Sumo? Just stare at the poster some more? But no. He was going to go to the show and see him perform. He could deal with all the mental unpacking he would have to do later.

Jeff picked the candle back up, inhaled deeply again and his heart soared. What was one more charge to James’s credit card anyway?

“Ah, you’ve found another one,” the woman smiled at him, watching Jeff walk back to the counter. She took the candle from Jeff’s hands to bag it with the rest of them. She glanced at the label, and gave Jeff a knowing look. “This is an interesting one. Did this also remind you of someone?”

“Yeah,” Jeff answered quietly, suddenly embarrassed. The woman took note of his blush. 

“Maybe that rose quartz is working its magic after all,” she teased. 

“Heh. Maybe.”

She didn’t push any further, but smiled to herself. Crystals always worked. 

–

It was 5:05 when Jeff made it back to The Opulent Outlaw. He took a deep breath and tried the door again. Still locked. His heart sunk into his stomach. Maybe it’s closed forever and they just never took the poster down and maybe I’ll never see Sumo again and I really have screwed everything up – but he saw a young woman who had spotted him hurrying over to the door. She unlocked it and pushed it open. 

“Sorry about that, forgot to unlock. Come on in!”

Jeff stepped inside and took the sight in. It was lit up by amber-colored light bulbs and was filled with dark wood tables, chairs, and black pleather booths. Old timey Wanted posters were hung up on the brown brick walls. 

This was definitely Sumo’s kind of place. 

He scanned the rest of the building, seeing a large doorway with the doors opened and could make out a smallish stage in the back with more seating. He looked over to the bar area where the woman was watching him expectantly, and realized he had still been standing in the entrance. 

“First time here?” She raised an eyebrow at him, and looked him up and down, taking in his fancy attire. Jeff had forgotten he wasn’t exactly the image of the bar’s usual clientele. 

Jeff nodded and approached her at the bar, putting his bag of candles on the counter. “Um, yeah. I had a question about one of the posters you had in the window.” 

She followed his gaze over to it. “Oh, the one for tomorrow?” Jeff nodded. “Drowning Stones. Not what I expected a businessman to be into,” she smiled teasingly at him. 

Jeff let out a small chuckle. “I’ve honestly never heard of them. I’m more interested in the opening act. Desert Voyager.”

The woman furrowed her brow. “Oh. I actually don’t know too much about them. The manager just usually lets small bands from around Arizona or New Mexico open for some of the bigger bands. Know if they’re any good?”

Jeff grinned. “The best.”

–

With a ticket to tomorrow’s show in one hand and the bag of candles in the other, Jeff bounced with newfound excitement all the way back to the hotel. He hadn’t felt like this since he was a teenager. 

He got back to the hotel room and found James there, lying down on the bed in a robe watching the news. He didn’t acknowledge him as he entered. 

“Hey, James!” Jeff noted that “babe” wasn’t coming as easily to him as it had before. “I got you your candle.”

“I was wondering where you were, it’s already almost 6:00.”

“Yeah, I was just checking out what was around the area.”

“Well come sit with me after you change. I was just watching the news.”

Jeff threw the ticket into the bag of candles and placed it on the floor next to the nightstand. He doubted James would remember the name of Sumo’s band if he read it on the ticket, but he didn’t want to risk it. James was incredibly, explosively, jealous of Sumo.

He hung the sweaty suit back up, and changed into a polo shirt and khaki slacks. Again, things that James had bought him. James hated when he just wore jeans and a t-shirt, even when they were casually hanging out. 

Jeff sat down stiffly next to James, who pulled him down to lie next to him. Jeff’s heart twinged with something strange. Of course, there had been good times with James. Yes, he had been with him mostly because he fit into the lifeplan, but he did at least like him a little. But then the disenchantment began. It hadn’t even taken long. Maybe about 5 months, until Jeff finally realized–but again, never wanted to admit to himself– that his friends and family were right. James wasn’t good for him. 

 There were times–and increasingly more so– where he pretended James was Sumo. The first time they were intimate together, Jeff couldn't help but think of his ex lover. And he had felt awful. He was absolutely enamored with James at the time, but his mind unwillingly brought him back to being in, around, and tangled with Sumo. Ryan. And though he had pushed the thoughts away and away and away , they reared up more often until here he was, with a ticket to see the man in question tomorrow night. 

Jeff drifted back to reality, looking over James’s shoulder and reading texts he was sending to some old colleagues, bragging about his new job. He looked up and saw a smirk on his boyfriend’s face as he typed away.  

It didn’t help that James had revealed himself to be such a jackass over time. 

Everyone had disliked his boyfriend, but Sumo was the most open about it. It had infuriated Jeff, but over time he discovered they had a point. He acutely remembered Sumo calling him a punk ass bitch, and he snickered out loud.

“What’s funny, Jefferey?” The punk ass bitch in question asked him. 

“Nothing, just remembering something from a podcast,” he replied, still smiling to himself. 

That seemed to be enough to sate James’s curiosity, and he returned to texting. 

“Oh by the way, here’s that candle I promised you,” Jeff got up and rummaged in the bag, making sure he grabbed the light green candle and held it out to James. 

James took it from him and inhaled. “Ooh, this is very pleasant. Thank you, Jefferey! I will definitely be using this tonight.” Jeff felt that strange feeling again, something like guilt for being mentally and emotionally checked out of the relationship. 

Jeff gave him a tightlipped smile. “Yeah, you’re welcome.”

James got up and walked to the bathroom and began running his bath, and Jeff smelled the strong scent of eucalyptus and spearmint a moment later. 

Jeff lay back down on his side of the bed and listened for the noises in the bathroom. Once he heard water splashing as James got into the tub, Jeff reached into the bag and smelled the Jasmine-Lavender candle. He curled up a little more, smiling gently to himself, and remembered his mothers’ embraces. It had been a while since he had hugged them, since he had really talked to them. Sure, he had been living with them all this time, as James had only just brought up moving in together when he got this job offer. But things had been tense. His mothers disapproved, and he couldn't bring himself to look them in the eyes anymore and see sadness, worry, anger. He closed himself off to them, and only spoke to them if he needed to. He decided that when he got back to Aberdale, he would apologize. It could be his last chance before he moved here.

He put the candle gently back in the bag, and reached for the next one. As soon as he brought it to his face, he was hit with  memories of Sumo for the millionth time that day. Not that it was completely different from any other day. He often thought about him, despite what had happened. What he chose. 

He closed his eyes, grimacing, as heartache crashed back to him anew. When Jeff applied to a college during high school and was accepted a few months later, Sumo and Clarence were still enjoying their last “school summer”. It scared him. Jeff and Sumo had been dating for a little over a year at that point, and it had been the best time of Jeff’s life. But that’s when the creeping feeling of, oh shit– my life is really starting, hit him and the mean voice in his head started back up with a vengeance. I’m going to share the rest of my life with him, and he’s still playing pretend rock star. He’s never going to college, never going to make anything of himself, never going to be my equal. I need to be the one to take care of him. At the time, Jeff had been able to push the thoughts away and thought rationally like he was taught in therapy. He really did think Sumo was a good musician, and Sumo had always worked on cars as odd jobs throughout high school and had the most money out of all of them. He knew that Sumo could be serious when he needed to be. The third oldest of 12 kids, he had no choice but to be responsible. 

But he panicked. He was scared that what he had with Sumo would get in the way of school, had always heard that people never graduated because of their relationships. Ironic, isn’t it? 

So he broke up with Sumo. 

At present, his heart felt like it was being clenched in a giant fist. He didn’t want to remember the look on Sumo’s face, how he had been understanding of the whole “I don’t want to be distracted from school thing”, and how they had held each other and cried. But the memories forced their way into his brain. After that, they still hung out, still shared glances and brushed hands against each other and blushed. Sumo respected Jeff’s wishes, and distanced himself a bit.  

As school started up, the breakup revealed itself to have been more distracting than being with Sumo would have been. Jeff hated himself for it. Regretted it. So he had decided to walk over to Sumo’s house one night to discuss these feelings, a long, uncomfortable walk to the piece of land Sumo lived on. 

As he came closer, he saw him sitting next to a figure in the back of his truck, legs hanging over the tailgate. It was a girl. They were very close. Too close. Jeff heard giggling from both of them. 

That was all it took. Jeff didn’t even give himself time to register the emotional pain that had shot through him, he immediately turned and ran. He didn’t know if either of them had seen them. He ran all the way home, breathless, and failed to make it inside his house before he started sobbing. He couldn’t even be mad about it. This was his fault. Of course Sumo would seek out comfort elsewhere, Jeff had just ended something that had been 9 years in the making. He cried the most he had in probably his whole life. Even more than after the breakup, because at least then there had been hope. 

And that’s when he met James. James who had his life together, who was older, almost graduating. He would be able to dull the ache. 

He had, for a while. Jeff still constantly thought of Sumo, but at least now he had someone who he could pretend was Sumo. Then came the insults, the feelings of insignificance, the way he had made him stop going to therapy and taking medication. Then the out of control thoughts returned and made him feel like he had to live his life linear again, have every aspect of his life controlled, and have the lifeplan. 

Jeff could sometimes get those thoughts out of his head, but it had been harder and harder and now, well, here he was. But now smelling these candles, smelling Sumo and his mothers, had given him a moment of clarity.  He didn’t want to live with James. He was admitting it to himself. 

He wanted to stay home in Aberdale. He wanted to be near his mothers and listen to them talk about film and meditation and other weird stuff. He wanted to visit his grandma Rosie every Sunday and help her organize her books and records. He wanted to go back to Pizza Swamp and play dumb arcade games that they never could win with Clarence. He wanted to go back to therapy and feel the way he did when he was happy and getting help. He wanted to see Sumo, to tell him how sorry he was and how much he loved him. Even if it was just one last time, even if Sumo told him to fuck off and never spoke to him again, even if it meant never having his feelings returned. 

Tears slipped from his eyes without him even realizing he was crying. He squeezed his eyes shut and quickly brushed them away. He had to do something. Not for the life plan, not for whatever lived inside him that made him think too much and too hard and become someone he didn’t want to. He had to do something for Jeff. 

Before he could think about it any more he heard the water sloshing, then draining as James finished his bath. He emerged minutes later wearing a robe and an annoyed look. Jeff internally groaned.

“Jefferey,” James spat. “Why didn’t you pack my retinol cream?”

“What.” Jeff said flatly. 

“My retinol cream,” James said slowly, as if he were talking to a child. “Why didn’t you pack it? You know I need that daily.”

“I didn’t pack for you. Why would it be my fault?”

“Well, you packed all your toiletries after me. You must have seen it and you should have known I had forgotten it and either notified me or packed it for me.”

Jeff stared at James incredulously. “Um, no. I’m not your mother, James,” Jeff said evenly, despite becoming hot with anger.  “It’s not my responsibility to know what you need at any given moment.”

James stalked up to him. “I have offered you this free ride in life. I asked you, someone who hasn’t even finished school yet, to live with me in the city and be supported by me while you get your life together. I am at the peak of my life, I could have anyone, and yet I have chosen to stick with you, ” he sneered, referring to Jeff as if he were gum on the bottom of his shoe. “Forgive me if I want a little help from you, just remembering something as simple as packing something that I need.”

James had always done this. Blown up over something that wasn’t a big deal, and then turned it around on Jeff making it seem like he was the one in the wrong. Jeff usually relented, offering an apology though he never really thought it had been his fault because it was just what was easier. 

“I think I’m going to go out for some air,” Jeff said calmly, already walking away. 

James said nothing to him. 

Jeff practically ran the minute the door was closed, to the elevator, down to the lobby, down the street and realized he was making his way back to The Opulent Outlaw without even realizing it. He stopped outside to regain his composure. He didn’t feel like crying, but he was shaking with anger. Tears never even came from these arguments with James anymore. After only a few months together, Jeff found he had no tears left to cry about him anymore. That should have been my first sign, I’m such a crybaby otherwise.

He pulled open the door and made his way to the bar through the small crowd of people milling about. He received a few odd looks, he supposed it wasn’t the type of bar that someone in a polo shirt and khakis would frequent. 

The bartender turned to him. “Hey what can I get for–” she began, and then cocked her head to the side. “Oh, it’s you again! Did you decide you didn’t want to see the show anymore? Because I can’t refund the ticket.”

Jeff ignored her. “I need a shot of tequila,” he still hadn’t totally stopped shaking. Jeff rarely drank but he felt like he needed to do something, short of punching the nearest object pretending it was James’s face.

“Oh! Sure, dude.” She looked at him wide eyed, seeing the serious look on his face that barely concealed anger. She poured the shot for him as he held up his ID to her, and wordlessly scooted it across the bar to him. Jeff immediately took it and downed it quickly, grimacing. 

“Thanks.” He slid James’s card to her.

“Yeah, no problem.” She looked at him cautiously. “You okay?” 

Jeff’s eyes quickly glanced down at her apron decorated by pins and buttons as she handed the card back to him. He spotted a circular button with 3 stripes: pink, purple, and blue. 

“Yeah. Just… men.”

She gave him a sympathetic look. “Man, I hear that.” She quickly poured another shot and a glass of water and passed them to him. “On the house. In solidarity for men sucking.” 

Jeff genuinely chuckled and thanked her, downing that shot too. 

The bartender walked off to tend to the other patrons. Jeff took his water and went over to a cushy, pleather chair and sat in it. He never handled his liquor too well, and figured he should be  sitting down when it kicked in. It wasn’t too late anyway, 8:00. He could wait until this passed. He drank half his glass of water. 

Well, he thought. I guess that just settled everything. I really do need to get out of this relationship. Too fucking bad I pushed everyone in my life away. 

He scrolled through his phone and came across Clarence’s old message. 

Hey Jeff how r u doing? I miss u! Call or txt me any time buddy. 

Jeff blew out a breath. He figured now was as good a time as any. 

Hey Clarence! Sorry I’m barely getting back to you. I miss you too. I hope you’re doing well. 

He went to his apps and clicked on a Candy Crush knockoff game, an anxious habit when he was in public and wanted to seem like he was doing something important on his phone. He had gotten through a level and was about to start the next one when his phone pinged with multiple notifications. 

Jeff!!!

Buddy!!

I’m so excited to hear from u!!

How r u?!

Clarence had always been a double, triple, quadruple texter. Of course he answered right away. He never over-thought things and left a friend on read. Guilt ran through Jeff. 

Sorry again for not answering. Jeff typed out. To be honest, everything’s been really hard lately. I know I’ve acted horribly. To be honest, I thought you wouldn’t want to even hear from me anymore. 

Clarence always texted back quickly. I’ll always be ur friend no matter what! Sorry to hear things r bad. Do u want me to call u? 

Jeff had to admit, Clarence had always been a good shoulder to cry on. As he matured and took more after his mom and her comforting wisdom, he became the best listener that Jeff had met. Second only to his mother Sue, of course. 

Honestly, yes. Let me just go to an area where I can hear you. 

Jeff walked outside the bar to a small bench nearby where no one was really around, water still in hand. He took a deep breath, and pressed the green button next to Clarence’s name for the first time in 2 years.

One ring.

Two rings.

“Jeff!”

Chapter Text

He had told Clarence everything. 

He told him exactly why he broke up with Sumo, the lifeplan thing, the not having therapy and feeling like he was only a passenger in his own body. 

He told him how during their last fight,  he accused Sumo of not being over him when he wasn’t over him himself. How James had always made him feel stupid and worthless. How he thought of Sumo when they were together no matter how hard he tried not to. 

He told him about the two hundred dollar lunch and the stupid, cruel foie gras. How he had seen Sumo’s band poster in the window and bought a ticket. About the candles that made him think of everyone. About the stupid retinol cream and how he didn’t want to be stuck here with James and how he just wanted to go back home. 

He briefly registered that the tequila had made all the words and tears come spilling out, and when he looked down at his phone to see how long he had been talking, the timer read an hour and 27 minutes and counting.  

“So, yeah,” Jeff finished lamely. “Gosh, I’m sorry Clarence. I blabbered on and on and didn’t even ask how you’re doing. I’ve been such a shitty friend and–”

“Jeff,” Clarence stated simply but sternly. “You’re going through a hard time and I’m here for you. Have you talked to your moms about this?”

“No,” Jeff replied, voice watery. “I’m too scared to. I’ve been such a jerk to them.”

“You know they’ll be happy to help you.”

“You’re right,” Jeff sniffled.

“First of all, do you feel safe going back to the hotel tonight?”

“Yeah. I know James is going to act super apologetic tomorrow morning and try to make it up to me,” he rolled his eyes. “He always does that after a particularly bad…tantrum.” He opted for Sumo’s way of putting it as he had during their last fight. 

“Okay. Well actually, I’m going to Phoenix tomorrow night with Sumo to see him play.”

Jeff straightened up. “You are?”

“Yeah,” Jeff could hear Clarence’s smile through the phone. “I’m going to help them set up. We’re planning on spending the night there, and leaving Sunday morning. If you’re okay with it, I think you should come back with us instead of James.”

Jeff’s breath hitched. “Yeah, that’s a good idea. But… don’t you think it’ll be too weird? I don’t think Sumo will be willing to spend a 2 hour drive with me after, well, you know.”

“Jeff,” Clarence said sternly for the second time that night. “I know it ended on bad terms, and I’m not going to go into detail, but I know for a fact that Sumo doesn’t hate you.” 

Jeff’s heart jumped into his throat. “He doesn’t?”

“Nope. I’ll be honest, he’s probably still a little upset about it. But he doesn't hate you.”

That’s all Jeff needed. He had dealt with an upset Sumo plenty of times during the course of their friendship. 

“Okay,” he whispered. “We’re gonna do this.”

“Alright!” Clarence cheered. “Jeff, you know I support you no matter what, but I really am happy that you’re deciding on this. I was never as blunt about it as Sumo, but I know James really isn’t good for you.”

“I know now, Clarence. I’m sorry for not listening.”

“Don’t be. You were there for me during that one time with Belson.”

It was Jeff’s turn to smile. “You’re just too nice, Clarence. But wait.” His smile fell, and he gripped the water glass tightly. “Shouldn’t I break up with him properly?”

“Would he do that for you?”

Jeff swallowed. “I… probably not. I think you have a point.”

“Besides Jeff, if I’m being honest, I don’t think it’s safe. The only chance you’ll have to break up with him is before the show tomorrow. It wouldn’t be worth it spending another night here just to break up with him on Sunday morning. And if you break up with him before his dinner, he’ll blow up at you for ‘distracting his mind’ or some B.S. reason. And you know how he gets.” 

Jeff had never told anyone, absolutely no one, about the time that James gripped his arm so hard during an argument that he had developed a bruise. Of course James had surprised him with a box of chocolates and a trip to the railroad museum afterward, as an apology, but more likely to make sure he wouldn’t tell anyone about it. 

But he had seen Clarence at Rough Riders the next day while he was getting lunch between classes. They had already begun drifting apart, with Jeff only responding to his texts about every other week. When Clarence came up to say a quick hello to him, his eyes landed on the bruise. And he gave Jeff a strange look, like he could see straight through his soul and read his mind. No one really noticed, but Clarence was strangely perceptive. And Jeff knew that he knew. 

Jeff shivered at the memory. “You’re right. Okay. I’ll do it when we get back home.” Home. It felt so nice to call it that.

“Yeah, and you’ll have a support system to help you.”

“So it’s a plan. You’ll meet me at my hotel after James leaves, we’ll take my things over to where you’re staying, then Sumo performs. I’ll spend the night with you guys, and we’ll leave together the next morning.” 

“Yep, that’s the plan! Now let’s get ‘Operation: Save Jeff’ in motion!”

Jeff chuckled. Everything was an adventure with him. “Thanks, Clarence. Oh, I need just one more favor, please.”

“Anything.”

“I need you to bring me some clothes.”

-

Jeff had returned into the bar, face puffy and eyes red but with new light and determination in his eyes. He walked up to the counter and returned the empty glass of water. The bartender looked at him, obviously knowing something had happened, but was polite enough to ignore it. 

“Enjoy your night?” she asked him, taking the empty glass from him and placing it in a tub with other dirty barware. 

“Yeah, thanks for the shots. I guess I’ll be seeing you tomorrow night, right?”

“For sure, I’ll be here. And we’ll just see what is so amazing about this Desert Voyager band.”

Jeff grinned at her. 

-

By the time he got back to the hotel room, James was asleep. Thank goodness.

Jeff slipped off his shoes, almost completely sober now, and placed his wallet on the nightstand. Quietly, he unzipped his suitcase and removed his pajamas and a pair of clean underwear. His toiletry bag was already in the bathroom. He removed his clothes, folding them neatly and placing them on the counter. He then washed his face, brushed his teeth, and applied lotion to his face. His nightly routine. He slipped into his light gray pajamas that he had had forever. He acutely remembered that it was these pajamas he had worn when he was first…intimate with Sumo. Ryan. He watched his face darken with a blush in the mirror. The time he had spent with Sumo was honestly the best of his 21 years. It was like he had always lived in a hazy version of life, but being with Sumo had made him see in vivid colors. And now in less than 24 hours, he’d be seeing him again.

Don’t get your hopes up , Jeff told himself. He probably doesn’t even want anything to do with you. But Clarence’s voice rang in his head, repeating what he had said on their phone call earlier. “I know for a fact that Sumo doesn’t hate you.”

Jeff would take it. It was a step. 

He picked up his pile of dirty clothes and exited the bathroom. He placed them in a bag he had specifically brought for his dirty laundry, zipped it back into his suitcase, and carefully got into bed so as to not wake James. His back faced him and he scooted himself as far to the edge of the bed as possible, not wanting to even think of their bodies touching in any way. 

Jeff was exhausted. Mentally and physically. He’d been walking up and down the streets in the hot sun pretty much all day. Not to mention the emotional whiplash he’d gone through. In the span of a day he had decided to end a 2 year relationship, cancel his moving plans, had restored friendship with his oldest and closest friend, and made plans to reconnect with his ex. No big deal. 

He sighed into the pillow and his eyes landed on the rose quartz crystal from earlier. He held it and placed his hand under the pillow. He rubbed his thumb repeatedly over the cool stone, and it eventually soothed him to sleep.

–

It was June 24th. The day that Sumo’s band was going to play their first gig ever. Jeff went over to his house at 4:00. They were set to play at 8:00, but Jeff had wanted to  check on him since he had been freaking out the day before on the trip back home from the water park. 

Tinona had answered the door with a mixing bowl in her hand, looking tired but beautiful as usual. “Hi, Jeffy!” she beamed at him, despite Sumo’s 8 year old brother tugging on her shorts and repeating “Mom, mom, mom” as he tried to get her attention.

“Hello Mrs. Sumouski,” Jeff smiled back at her. “Hey Travis,” he waved at the smaller boy who offered a smile in return. 

“Sumo’s in his room, go ahead in.”

“Thank you,” he walked down the hallway, hearing her scolding Travis for interrupting while she was talking to someone. Now that Sumo’s eldest brothers had been working in a nearby town (at least for a while, they were always coming back and forth), Sumo unofficially moved into their room and had it to himself. 

Jeff knocked on the door and heard Sumo grunt a “come in” in his raspy voice. Jeff opened the door to a shirtless Sumo standing at his dresser putting deodorant on, hair still wet from a shower. Jeff’s eyes widened. He’d seen Sumo without a shirt plenty of times when they went swimming; he had even seen him shirtless yesterday at Squirty’s. But it never failed to cause a funny feeling inside of him.

“Oh! Jeff.” He turned around to grab a sleeveless shirt and pulled it on. His ears went red. “Sorry about that. Sit down if you want.”

“No worries.” Jeff cleared his throat and sat on Sumo’s bed. “So uh, how are you holding up?”

Sumo ran a hand through his hair that he had been growing out. Jeff’s stomach flipped. He really liked Sumo’s longer hair. “Still nervous, but more in a ‘gotta remember how the songs go’ kinda way, and less of the ‘what if the music is so bad that everyone instantly dies’ way.” 

Jeff laughed. “Well, that’s better. But Sumo, you’ve been playing these songs over and over. You’ve got them down.”

“Thanks, man. I really hope so,” the blonde replied. He seemed like he was going to say something else, but ultimately decided against it. He sat on his bed next to Jeff to pull on a pair of black socks. He looked back up at Jeff. “And that’s a great shirt you’ve got on, by the way.” He grinned. 

Jeff pulled at his shirt’s hem to look down at the graphic below. It was a black tee depicting a simple desert background with an android standing next to a cactus. DESERT VOYAGER was written in orange text above it. “Oh thanks, I can’t remember where I picked this thing up.”

“Must have been one of your boyfriend’s,” Sumo teased. 

“Oh, that’s right. One of the three must have left it over one night.”

“Jeff, you harlot!” Sumo feigned shock, placing his hand on his chest. 

“I guess it’s just one of the many things you don’t know about me, Sumo.”

“Well I definitely will remember for the future what a slut you are,” he grinned, and Jeff thought he saw a hint of a blush on the tanned boy’s face. 

Jeff’s heart pounded and he laughed, flustered. Before he could say anything else Sumo stood, turning to him. “Okay, I need your advice. I thought this shirt was okay. I didn’t want to seem conceited and wear one of our own shirts,” he pulled at his black Minor Threat t-shirt that he had cut the sleeves off of. “And just some jeans,” he turned slowly, showing off his dark washed jeans which were ripped and just tight enough that Jeff’s eyes lingered on his thighs and, admittedly, ass. “I’m gonna put on this ring and earring,” he held out a thick silver ring with a large fake garnet embedded in it and a small hoop earring with a dangling spike. Jeff nodded approvingly, so Sumo clicked his earring in and pushed the ring onto his left middle finger. “Oh! Shoes. Duh.” He retrieved some boots and sat back down. Sumo grunted as he painstakingly began donning his black lace-up boots. 

“Good choice,” Jeff commented. 

“Thanks. I think it really brings the whole drummer outfit together. It’s just a bitch to lace these back up.” He began tying his right boot, and Jeff leaned over to work on the left one. Sumo, still leaning over , turned to him and quirked an eyebrow up quizzically. 

“I know it takes you forever to put these on,” Jeff replied to the unasked question nonchalantly. He kept fumbling with the laces with Sumo’s face so close to his, but managed to finish tying the laces a few seconds before Sumo. “I win.”

“I guess I need you here to help me with these all the time,” he gently kicked Jeff’s foot with the boot he had just laced. “So,” he stood back up again. “Should I put on anything else?”

He appraised his friend’s outfit. He had always thought he was attractive, but at this moment Jeff was nearly breathless. “You look perfect.”

Sumo got a strange look on his face for a split second, then played it off by kicking a foot up behind him, bringing his hands under his chin, and batted his eyelashes. “Why, thank you, Jefferey,” he drawled in an exaggerated Southern Belle accent.

“Oh my god, shut up,” Jeff laughed. He grabbed a pillow from the bed and threw it at Sumo.

“Hey!” Sumo attempted to dodge it, but it hit him directly in the face. He quickly picked it up, and threw it back at Jeff full force who fell back on the bed, laughing muffled by the pillow. Before he could grab it to throw it back, Sumo pinned him to the bed by straddling him. He quickly grabbed the pillow and hit Jeff over and over, gentler than before, but relentlessly. 

“Okay okay, I surrender. I’m sorry!” 

“That’s what I thought,” Sumo posed triumphantly. They both became acutely aware of the position they were in and blushed. Sumo moved himself off of Jeff and knelt on the bed beside him. Jeff sat up on the edge of the bed. There was a beat of silence. Their shoulders brushed as Sumo shifted. 

“Uh, so tonight I’m–” Sumo’s phone lit up and blared a Megadeth song, making both teens jump. 

“Holy shit,” Sumo barked out a startled laugh. He looked at the phone, briefly showed it to Jeff that it was Clarence calling, and answered. “Hey man, what’s up?”

Jeff could hear Clarence’s muffled but enthusiastic voice on the other end. 

“Oh yeah! Yeah, I’ll be there in a bit. I’m bringing Jeff with me, he came over.”

More muffled talking. Sumo became wide eyed then glanced sideways towards Jeff, ears reddening. 

“Clarence,” he said through his teeth. Jeff  heard laughing on the other end. “Whatever man! Be there in 10.” He pressed the red button before Clarence could respond. 

He quickly stood up, still flustered by whatever Clarence had told him, and pulled Jeff by the hand off of the bed. “C’mon, I totally forgot about Ms. W doing my hair!” He dropped his hand abruptly, Jeff internally disappointed, and glanced around the room one last time. “I’m not forgetting anything, right?” He patted his back pocket for his phone then grabbed his keys, wallet, and cigarettes from his dresser. “Okay, okay,” he said quietly, which Jeff accounted for his jitters returning. He grabbed Jeff’s hand again, rushing out of the room. “Let’s go!”

Jeff allowed himself to be dragged down the hall and towards the front door. 

“Bye mom, see you at the show!”

Tinona turned from her sweeping to see the two boys running past the dining room. “Bye honey, be careful, love you!” 

Jeff gave her a small wave before he was ushered out, and saw her smile soften at him. 

–

They had arrived at Clarence’s house in no time at all, going way over the speed limit in Sumo’s truck. Clarence had greeted them at the door with a wide smile as usual, also wearing a Desert Voyager shirt.  Mary got quickly to work on Sumo’s hair, already having styled Sumo’s bandmates Memo and Rita. She had taken the shaver to redo Sumo’s buzzed sides and worked product to his longer hair in the middle. At Sumo’s request, she applied eyeliner. He was too jumpy however, and the process was only completed with Clarence gripping his head still. When Mary finally deemed him finished, he stood and posed for everyone dramatically. Jeff felt his stomach do flips when Sumo’s eyes rested on him. Jeff didn’t know if he had ever thought this about anyone, but he looked fucking hot. 

“Looks great!” Clarence beamed, nudging Jeff in the ribs with his elbow. “Don’t ya think, Jeff?”

Jeff summoned enough power to rub two brain cells together to comment, “Y-yeah! You look amazing.” 

Rita and Memo gave him their approval, and Clarence had the band pose for a picture. Mary then took a picture of all the kids together. Jeff had heard Rita groan quietly, as Clarence and his mom often turned every event into a photo shoot. Sumo didn’t seem to mind, getting into the pictures and making outlandish poses. “Okay, one of Sumo, Jeff, and Clarence now,” Mary waved at Jeff ushering him in. Sumo slung his arms around both their shoulders and grinned. “Okay, now Sumo and Jeff,” she said after she snapped the last picture. Next thing he knew, Jeff was being picked up bridal style for the picture. 

“Sumo!” Jeff exclaimed, wrapping his arms around Sumo’s neck for fear of being dropped. 

Sumo laughed and gently put Jeff back down after Mary had taken her picture, a grin on her face. 

“Okay, okay, thanks for indulging me. Now you guys better hurry and pack all your stuff up!” Mary shooed them out. 

They made their way over to Rita’s house to get their instruments and equipment from her garage. Sumo drove them, with Clarence and Rita sitting in the bed of the truck and Memo and Jeff  in the cab. 

When they got to Rita’s garage, they all assisted in loading equipment and instruments, Sumo’s drum kit already having been disassembled and ready for transport. With all the equipment in the back, Memo volunteered to sit with the cargo and make sure nothing slid around, but there was only room for him. The other four had to pack in the cab, Sumo in the driver’s seat, Jeff practically squeezed into his lap, Clarence making himself as small as possible, and Rita pressing against the door. “Man we better hurry before the cops see us all in here.” Sumo said, already driving off. 

Jeff didn’t even notice how fast Sumo was going as he was extremely distracted by the proximity he had to him. He was radiating heat, and Jeff felt pleasantly dizzy smelling Sumo’s mix of deodorant and a hint of cigarette smoke. 

“Okay guys, we’re here!” Sumo stopped abruptly and leaped out to speak with Lyle.

The others exited and loitered around the truck, waiting for Sumo to give them the cue to start unloading. Soon, Sumo came out with a big grin and a thumbs up for them to start setting up. The kids all hopped into action. 

Before they knew it, everything had been set up and the three began to tune their instruments and fiddle with the sound system. Jeff and Clarence took a seat near the stage. 

“Phew, I’m beat from all that moving. Do you want a water, Jeff?” Clarence stood back up after a moment’s rest. 

“Yes, please.”

“Okay, be right back.”

Jeff watched Clarence approach the bar, tended by a stony-faced mustachioed man who must have been Lyle. Definitely the type that Sumo’s dad would get along with , Jeff thought. 

He allowed his gaze to wander back to the stage, watching Sumo adjust Rita’s microphone stand to accommodate her short stature. They both laughed at something Rita had said, and Sumo’s nose scrunched up as he smiled. Jeff’s heart pounded. 

“Got those waters!” Clarence announced, loudly placing two glasses on the table and sliding one towards Jeff. 

“Thanks, Clarence,” Jeff responded, slightly startled. Clarence looked at him, then to Sumo. He smiled knowingly, but said nothing. 

“So,” Jeff continued, “I’m really excited to see them play!”

“Me too, buddy. Especially this one song.”

“Which?” Jeff asked, tilting his head slightly.

“Oh, I can’t remember the name,” Clarence smiled and waved his hand noncommittally. “But it’s a great one.”

“O…kay…” Jeff looked at him suspiciously, but decided not to push it any further. Clarence was never good at hiding when he knew something others didn’t; Jeff learned this their very first time hanging out with the bee incident. 

The band had left their instruments on stage once everything was done, and moved to the back room to mentally prepare for the show. More patrons started entering the bar, and the kids had been right to guess what type of crowd it would be. Around their parents’ age, tired-looking, and sitting in the smoking section of the bar. 

As time went on, they recognized some of their friends and family trickling in. Rita’s and Memo’s families had waved to them, and sat with Dustin, Chelsea, Julien, and Emilio. The door to the bar opened again, and familiar faces walked in.  

“Hey, boys!” EJ exclaimed and approached the table with Sue, Chad, and Mary in tow. 

“Hey mom!” Jeff replied, smiling as both his mothers kissed his head. 

“Hey kid,” Chad gently punched him on the shoulder before making his way to his seat. 

Sumo’s parents walked in a few moments later, with no kids in tow. The older ones were babysitting tonight. They spotted the familiar faces and came up to the table, both wearing Desert Voyager t-shirts. “Hey y’all,” Tinona went around and hugged everyone. “Thank you for coming out to see my baby play!”

“Evenin’, everyone,” Mel gave a short nod before heading off to speak to Lyle. 

EJ and Mary went to go order drinks for the table. 

“So do you guys know the setlist?” Chad asked the teens. 

“Not exactly,” Jeff said. “They said it would ruin the moment if we knew what to expect.”

“Yeah, I just know it’s mostly going to be 70s and 80s songs to appeal to the older crowd,” Clarence grinned. The adults rolled their eyes.

“Hey, we like newer stuff too,” Sue reached over to push Clarence’s shoulder playfully.

Tinona gasped excitedly, looking at her phone. “Sumo just texted me that they’re about to come out in a minute! MEL!” She shouted across the bar. 

Mel turned from his conversation and she waved him over. Mary and EJ also returned with their drinks. 

“It’s gonna start soon!” Tinona beamed at her husband as he sat next to her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. 

Jeff saw the back room door open, and Memo walked out, followed by Sumo and Rita. His stomach filled with butterflies. Clarence grasped his hand in excitement, and he squeezed it back.

The trio made their way on stage and went to their respective instruments. Rita strapped on her bass, Memo adjusted his guitar, and Sumo sat at his drum set. Lyle dimmed the lights in the bar. 

“Hey everyone, we’re Desert Voyager. Thank you so much for having us tonight.” Memo smiled nervously to the audience, who were still talking amongst themselves save for the band’s family and friends staring in rapt attention. 

“This is our first gig, and we’re really excited to play for you. Hope you enjoy.” Rita said, and took a shaky breath. She looked at both boys, and they nodded.

Memo started up with a noisy guitar lick that Tinona and Mary squealed at in recognition. Sumo and Rita chimed in with their instruments and backup vocals, and the crowd all turned their attention to listen to their cover of “Talk Dirty to Me”. 

Jeff smiled, knowing that they had picked this to start up with to get the crowd invested in hearing songs from their younger days. 

“And baby, talk dirty to me!” Memo finished, and applause filled the bar. The trio all grinned, looking at each other and continued with more confidence. 

As the setlist progressed, more and more people were getting up to dance and sing along, impressed with the young band’s renditions of older songs. The band began to play “Dancing With Myself” and Clarence got up to dance with his mother, and Mel surprisingly danced with Tinona. Jeff looked around, seeing everyone smiling and laughing. He made eye contact with Sumo who gave him the biggest grin and he felt his heart soar. He beamed back at him, and stood up to grab EJ’s hand. 

“C’mon mom, let’s dance!” 

“Jeff!” she laughed, but got up with him nonetheless. It wasn’t often Jeff was so carefree. They sang along while dancing, whooping and clapping when the song ended. 

“Thanks everyone,” Rita smiled. “We’re gonna do a newer song next, we hope you like it.”

“It’s gonna be me singing this one, guys. Please don’t throw tomatoes, this voice doesn’t give me much to work with,” Sumo grimaced comedically, and the crowd chuckled. 

Jeff was thoroughly confused. Sumo never sang. He was always too self conscious about his voice, and his raspiness always strained his vocal cords when he tried. He looked around at the table. No one seemed surprised but Tinona met his eyes, then quickly looked away. 

“This one is dedicated to a very special person, and I needed to be the one to sing it.”

Jeff’s stomach twisted, who is the special person?  

Sumo made eye contact with him, and Jeff felt time stand still. Sumo started singing and playing a simple rhythm on his drums with Rita adding bass. 

Galaxy, galaxy

Won't you be my consolation?

I need someone to kiss my hands and my feet

And make me feel complete, oh, yeah

Sumo gave him a nervous smile while singing, and his eyes darted around at his family and friends in the audience. Jeff was absolutely enraptured. Could it be? Memo joined in with guitar. 

Mysterious universe

I know you're unrehearsed

But I see the light in your hands

You're the man with the plan, oh, yeah

But it feels just like I'm falling all the time

(Falling all the time)

Sumo’s eyes closed as he sang, then drummed out the next part. Rita and Memo joined in to supplement the higher parts of the song that Sumo struggled to sing. 

High as a pretty star

Don't you break my faded heart

Don't put me out

Show me what it's all about

Don't you break my faded heart

Sumo continued to sing alone, again glancing at Jeff. He felt all eyes on him from the parents and Clarence, but didn’t dare look away from Sumo. He didn’t know if it was wishful thinking, or…

Fantasy, fantasy

You got me howling like a dog in the heat

I'm trying not to put up a fight

But I can't lose another night, oh, no

So call me your Romeo

He stared directly into Jeff’s eyes, his ears going red, and he felt like he stopped breathing for an eternity. This was for him. 

I'll show you the way my Thunderbird sings

You and the suede backseat is all I'll ever need

But it feels like I'm running out of time

(Running out of time)

Sumo sang the chorus again. He gave Jeff a look that was almost pleading, and Jeff gaped. Rita and Memo looked from Sumo to Jeff and smiled. 

I'm searching for a sign

Been looking way too high

Heart in the trenches, head in the heavens

Jeff nodded at him, smiling and gripping Clarence’s hand. Clarence was grinning at him, but he didn’t notice it, couldn’t see anything else except the dazzling smile that Sumo gave him. At that moment, it was only them two in the bar. This is real, right?

High as a pretty star

Don't you break my faded heart

Don't put me out

Show me what it's all about

Don't you break my faded heart

The song ended, and everyone applauded and cheered. Jeff finally looked around at his table, and everyone looked elated. Even Mel had given him the closest thing to a smile he could muster. Tinona wiped a small tear from her eye and Sue gave him a hug. 

“I told you good things come in their own time,” she whispered in his ear. He squeezed her tight. 

“In case you were still wondering Jeff, that was the song I was looking forward to.” Clarence teased. 

“Did everyone know about this, except me?” Jeff asked incredulously.

“Pretty much. Sumo had told me and his mom about it. And then he asked your moms because he wanted to make sure he didn’t embarrass you, but they thought that you would go for it.”

“Thanks everyone, we’re going to take a short break to get something to drink and then we’ll continue for a few more songs,” Memo announced. 

“Jeffy, why don’t you go step outside?” Tinona smiled at him. 

“Yes, I’m sure Sumo would like to talk to you,” EJ reached over to pat him on the back.

“O-oh!” Jeff stood up awkwardly. “Yeah, I’ll go do that.”

Jeff walked through the crowd, getting some knowing smiles from his classmates as he exited. He felt like he floated through the bar, time wasn’t real at that point. He opened the door to the hot Arizona night air, but it was considerably less stuffy than inside the bar. He let out a shaky breath. That really just happened, Sumo really feels the same way, I–

“Hey Jeff,” Sumo came up behind him, walking around the building from the back entrance. He was in the process of lighting a cigarette, bringing it to his lips to inhale deeply and letting out a cloud of smoke with a shaky breath. “I’m sorry, I know you don’t like me smoking but I’m just really fucking nervous right n–” 

Fueled by nerves and giddiness, Jeff grabbed Sumo by the shoulders and crushed their lips together. Sumo dropped his cigarette altogether and wrapped his arms around Jeff, kissing him back determinedly. They pulled apart, foreheads resting against each other. 

“Okay, I’m guessing you understood what I meant with the song,” Sumo laughed. 

Jeff let out a laugh-sob, no tears escaping but overcome with emotion. “I had no idea. You don’t know how long I’ve felt the same way.”

“Jeff, no offense but you can be pretty clueless sometimes. I thought I was obvious all these years.” 

Jeff playfully pushed Sumo’s shoulder. “I thought it was just wishful thinking on my part.” 

“You know, I shouldn’t be teasing. I didn’t think you felt the same way, either. It was Clarence that started pointing things out to me.”

“Of course it was,” Jeff laughed. A beat of silence passed as they continued to embrace. “Thank you for the song, I loved it. It was straight out of a movie. I never imagined that someone cared about me that much.”

“I do. You’re my best friend, Jeff. I want you to be my boyfriend, too.”

Jeff’s heart fluttered and he squeezed Sumo tighter. “Good, so I can finally stop using my mom’s crystals to manifest it?”

Sumo laughed. “Yes, you nerd.” 

Jeff pulled away from Sumo, but held onto his hand. “Okay, you’d better get back in there and continue to put on a great show. I want to brag about my boyfriend, the rockstar, when we go to school on Monday.”

Sumo smiled and placed a kiss to Jeff’s forehead. “You’re right, gotta get back before they start looking for me. It was supposed to be a water break. See you inside.”

Sumo dropped his hand and walked around the building to return through the back. Jeff walked back in through the bar and sat back down at the table. He excitedly talked to everyone about the performance before the band started playing again. As the next song started, Sumo gave Jeff a smile and a wink. 

Well, I know my new favorite song.

Chapter Text

Jeff was gently being shaken awake, and blearily opened his eyes. When his vision focused, he saw James standing above him. 

“Good morning, Jeffrey!” James smiled down at him. 

“What time is it?” Jeff scowled. He never woke up late, and was thoroughly confused as to why James cared enough to wake him. 

“It’s 8:00!” That was later than Jeff usually woke up. “You seemed like you were sleeping well, but I didn’t want the food to get cold. Hope I didn’t interrupt any good dreams about me.” He winked at Jeff.

I was having a good dream, actually;  reliving my best memory, Jeff thought. Definitely not involving you.

Jeff sat up and  his head throbbed slightly. Oh that’s right . He had two shots last night, which was very out of the norm for him. Nothing ibuprofen couldn’t fix. He looked down at the tray that James was setting in front of him. Pancakes with syrup. He hated syrup, it was too sticky and was sensory hell when it got on his hands. Of course James wouldn’t remember that. 

He briefly wondered why James bothered ordering him something, and recalled the events of last night. The stupid retinol cream. James must have seen the look on his face.

“I shouldn’t have scolded you last night, Jeffrey.” Scolded. Like he was a child. “We all make mistakes.”

Jeff wanted to yell at him, Mistakes?!  He was still blaming him for it! But the pounding in his head and dry mouth erased all fight in him. It wasn’t worth the effort. 

“Thanks, James.” Jeff stated flatly. He began to cut up his pancakes, discovering he was hungry enough to tolerate them, and he carefully avoided getting any syrup on his hands. 

“Of course! Now as you know, today I am having dinner today with my colleagues. I thought you and I could enjoy the day doing something.  Let me make it up to you for not being able to spend the evening together.”

Jeff carefully chewed a bite of pancake and contemplated the plan. James’s dinner was at 5:00, so he’d probably leave the hotel by 4:15, 4:30. Clarence was supposed to come over at 5:00 to help pack up all his stuff and take him over to the hotel that he and the band were staying at. Plenty of time to spend one last day with James, so as to not make him suspicious. 

“Okay, sure. What did you have in mind?”

James grinned. 

He’s so certain that he’s off the hook, Jeff thought . Dumbass.

“Well, I thought we would go to the botanical garden and a few museums. I know how much you love that.” James smiled tightly. James loathed museums, but that was always how he placated Jeff after acting like an ass. 

“That sounds nice,” Jeff admitted. Nice for our last day together.  

Jeff felt mixed emotions. He had often heard that’s how it was in abusive relationships. They make you feel like you’re the lowest of the low one moment, and then they’re worshiping you the next. But no. He knew now after talking to Clarence that this couldn’t continue any longer. Being around James was far worse than a deviation from his life plan. 

“I knew you’d be happy to hear about that! Well, hurry up and get ready so we can begin our day.” James left the hotel room without announcing his departure.

Probably to get a real coffee instead of this gross hotel one that he left me to drink, Jeff thought . But he didn’t care. It gave him some time to text Clarence. 

Hey Clarence. I’m about to go out with James so he doesn’t suspect anything. How are you? Have you talked to Sumo about what’s happening?

Jeff started to lay out his clothes before his shower, and it wasn’t long before he got a message back from his friend. 

Jeff! Im good. R u doing ok? No i havent talked 2 sumo yet. Im gonna tell him on the drive over. 

Jeff blew out a breath. How was Sumo going to react? Obviously he expected him to be angry, but he was still scared. He recalled how Sumo once said, “you can’t always repair a friendship”. 

In Clarence’s usual mind-reader fashion, he sent a follow up text before Jeff could reply.

Dont worry. 

Jeff let out a shaky chuckle. He really didn’t deserve his friend. 

Thanks Clarence. 

—------

As much as Jeff loved museums, he was not enjoying his time at the Hall of Flame Firefighting Museum. 

Even though James was supposed to be trying to make it up to him, he continued his usual unpleasant attitude and did nothing to hide his boredom. As Jeff read labels for the displays, James yawned, huffed, tapped his foot, checked his phone. He did absolutely nothing to feign interest, further solidifying Jeff’s resentment towards him. Before, Jeff would have tried to appease him and rush through the museum and tell him they could leave. Not this time. Jeff was going to take as long as he wanted. It would be the last time he’d have to put up with it anyway. Still, it was uncomfortable and annoying to deal with, and Jeff was over it. 

“James, if you’re having such an awful time, why don’t you go wait in the lobby? I’m tired of you making it so blatantly obvious that you don’t want to be here. It’s rude and annoying” 

A few patrons of the museum glanced in their direction and gave James disapproving looks. 

James’s eyes flashed with anger, but since they were around people, he retained his composure and gave a fake chuckle. “Oh Jeffrey, I’m not having an ‘awful time’,”-- he made air quotes with his fingers– “I’m just tired.” James clenched and unclenched his fists at his sides, something he did when he was trying to keep his composure. He was pissed that people had judged him. 

Jeff dropped it, despite the reason being total bullshit. He had seen James’s aggressive body language, and though he wouldn’t have to deal with it much longer, it still struck fear in him. Jeff rubbed his arm despite himself when he recalled the way James had hurt him before. 

Jeff continued to take his time walking around the museum, however this time instead of being annoyed by James’s unconcealed boredom, he was acutely aware of his eyes boring holes into his back.

After a while, Jeff had seen pretty much everything there was to see since he didn’t have the will to read everything thoroughly. He wordlessly began his way towards the exit, James following closely. 

As soon as they stepped foot outside of the museum, James gripped Jeff’s arm tightly.

“How dare you embarrass me,” James  hissed, his eyes narrowing.

Jeff tried to yank his arm out of James’s grasp, but he dug his fingers in further. Jeff winced, but didn’t cower. James was an expert at reprimanding Jeff in public. He could shift his facial expressions in an instant so that passersby would be none the wiser. 

“I’m trying to do something nice for you, and you publicly humiliate me?” His nails pierced his skin as he squeezed even harder, and slightly but firmly yanked on Jeff’s arm.

Jeff shoved James’s chest, startling him enough to let Jeff go. This was the worst James had ever hurt him. Jeff distanced himself from James so he couldn’t grab him again. 

“Isn’t that what you’re doing to me right now?” he lifted his sleeve up to inspect the damage. There were 4 small red moons from his nails, and he would definitely bruise later. 

James’s eyes widened in fear, not for Jeff’s sake but for his own. “My love, I am so sorry! I had no idea I was holding onto you so tightly when I couldn’t resist giving you a squeeze!” He strode over quickly to Jeff and put on a show of hugging him tightly. 

No one had really paid them any attention, luckily for James. Jeff wanted so badly to make a scene, to really embarrass James and possibly get a bystander involved. He could go to the police right now if he wanted to. But Jeff couldn’t risk it. He had a plan to go through with, and wanted to keep things running smoothly despite what had just happened. 

“Oh my darling, don’t worry. Let’s go get something to eat and then I’ll take you to the botanical garden.”

Jeff made a quiet noise of assent, following alongside him to get to their next destination. Despite the pain in Jeff’s arm, the day remained on track with the plan. 

—-

It was around 3:15 when Jeff and James returned to the hotel room. James had insisted on a lavish lunch at The Capital Grille in hopes that it would shut Jeff up enough to not tell anyone about his violence towards him earlier. Jeff didn’t have any plans to report anything, but it didn’t stop him from ordering some of the most expensive things on the menu. Might as well milk it while I can, he had thought. One $200-plus bill later, they headed out to the botanical garden. Jeff loved it, and loved seeing James suffer in the heat even more. Of course Jeff was pretty delicate to the elements himself, but he wasn’t like James: worried about scuffing Dior shoes or moaning about how the sweat would ruin his Eton dress shirt. He may have been like that at one point, but being friends with Clarence and Sumo for so long had made him somewhat immune. As he made his way through the garden, he was able to leave James behind a bit (who had obsessively made sure there were no rocks embedded in the soles of his shoes) and really enjoyed his time. Jeff inspected all the plants, fondly remembering gardening with his mother, Sue. He smiled at the thought. For once instead of being wracked with guilt from the thought of his family back home, he knew it wouldn’t be long until he could try to repair all his relationships. 

Now back in the room, James was peeling his clothes off of him and complaining about how he would have to get them dry cleaned the moment they got home. 

“It’s a good thing I had the mind to pack more clothes than I needed. Honestly Jeffrey, I don’t understand what you like so much about plants. ”

Jeff shrugged, but said nothing. It was pointless to argue with James. He just didn’t get it. 

“I’m going to shower and get ready. We’re having dinner at Orange Sky, which is about 30 minutes from here so I’ll need to hurry. If this horrible shower heats the water up fast enough!” James griped as he entered the bathroom and closed the door. 

Idiot, Jeff rolled his eyes. He’ll buy nine hundred dollar shoes to show off, but suffer through a 2 star hotel room.

Jeff waited until he heard the shower turn on to inspect his arm. Sure enough, bruises slowly started to form where James had gripped him. His nails were blunt, but he had dug them in with enough force to leave marks. The area was tender when Jeff brushed his fingers against it. For some reason, Jeff thought to take a picture. He went up to the mirror so he could get a good view of his tricep. He inspected the image. The bruises were already forming, nail marks prominent. He pushed down on the screen, the live image showing James’s patterned shirt in the background. Maybe it would be good to just have a reminder. He didn’t want to forget everything James put him through. He lowered his sleeve gently, and opened his messages on his phone. 

He had a message from Clarence 24 minutes ago. Hey buddy! We’re on the road, halfway there. I brought you clothes! Everything good?

Hey Clarence! Thanks. Yes, everything’s good. Jeff winced, shifting his arm. I can’t wait to see you! How are you?

A text bubble popped up quickly, indicating Clarence was typing. Good, but Rita’s driving. U know that girl has road rage!

Jeff laugh-reacted the message, and another message came in before he could reply. 

I told sumo.

Jeff’s heart skipped a beat. AND?! Jeff typed frantically, but deleted it. How did it go? He added a grimacing emoji. 

The typing bubble popped up, then disappeared. After a moment, it popped up again. Hes down for the mission, followed by a sunglasses emoji. 

It wasn’t the detailed answer Jeff’s anxious mind desired, but it worked. He sent back a sunglasses emoji and followed up with: I’m gonna lay low until James leaves, I’ll let you know as soon as he does. Thanks again.

Clarence liked the message, but didn’t add anything else. Jeff scanned the room. Most of his clothes were neatly packed into his suitcase, and everything else that had been taken out was either in the bathroom or on the side table. It would be easy to gather everything quickly when Clarence got here. His eyes landed on the suit he had hung up the other day. Leave it, he thought. The only reason James bought it for him was so his colleagues didn’t see his boyfriend in non-designer clothes. 

Jeff sighed. All he could do right now was wait, which gave him time to rest. But he couldn’t; his thoughts were racing. He wanted so badly for this to go off without a hitch. All Clarence had said was that Sumo was “down for the mission”. That didn’t tell Jeff much about how he reacted, since Sumo would do anything for Clarence. There was a time he would have done anything for me, too , Jeff thought sadly. Clarence said that Sumo doesn’t hate me, but maybe he doesn’t even care anymore. That would be even worse!

Best case scenario, Sumo would be willing to accept an apology from Jeff and they could all be friends again. Worst case scenario, Sumo would not acknowledge him at all and they’d all drive back to Aberdale in silence and Clarence would have to split his time between the two of them and get exhausted of maintaining the friendship that way and slowly start drifting away from Jeff because obviously he would choose Sumo over him after everyth– STOP, Jeff willed his thoughts from spiraling. He channeled his mother EJ’s voice into his head, always the rational one. There’s no point in worrying about it now, all I can do is see what happens. 

Although he was still too wired to sleep, Jeff used the remote to turn on the television and distract his mind for a little while. James exited the bathroom and got ready around him, chattering away about who would be at the restaurant and their positions at the company. Jeff made small noises of feigned interest every so often to avoid a tantrum about him not listening. 

“Well, I think that’s just about everything,” James announced, fastening a cufflink to his sleeve. “I don’t know what time I’ll be back tonight, so don’t wait up.” He began heading out the door. 

“Wait!” Jeff shouted and sprung off the bed. 

James startled, but closed the door and turned back around. Jeff was near him in an instant, and held James by the shoulders. 

“Jeffrey, honestly! You’re going to wrinkle my shirt!”

“James. Goodbye,” Jeff stated matter-of-factly, rather than wishing him farewell. He looked James directly in the eyes.

“Yes, Jeffrey, goodbye,” James looked back at him uncertainly. “What’s gotten into you?”

Jeff caught himself. This would really be the last time he’d be seeing him, the person who made him so miserable for 2 years. Who had ostracized him from his loved ones. Who had verbally and, though only twice, still physically abused him. So he had to say goodbye and close the door on the relationship. For his own sake. But he couldn’t make James suspicious. 

“I just wanted to tell you to have a good time.”

“Well thank you Jeffrey, I plan to. Now I really must be going!” He went towards the door, took one last odd look at Jeff, and left. 

Well, that’s the end of that , Jeff thought. It felt strange and almost too easy, closing that chapter of his life. He stood there, almost catatonic. He shook himself out of it, sat on the bed and waited about 10 minutes to make sure James had really left, and called Clarence. 

It went straight to voicemail. 

Jeff’s heart plummeted to his stomach. He tried again, and again he heard Clarence’s jubilant voice tell him to leave a message. 

“Clarence, it’s Jeff,” he heard his own voice, straining, panicky. “James is gone now, please answer me. I hope you’re okay. I want to get out of here.” He hung up. 

Jeff pocketed his phone and rubbed his sweaty palms on his knees. It was only 4:32. Clarence was supposed to come at 5:00, there was plenty of time. But what if he doesn’t come? What if something happened? What if I’m stuck with James for another day? Jeff’s thoughts raced.

He took a deep breath. If he had to go back to Aberdale with James, he would return home to his mothers and ask them for help. It wasn’t a death sentence if the plan didn’t go through after all. There was a solution, he had just needed Clarence to help him know that there was one. Still, it would be best if everything could just be over with now, he thought. He was more scared than he realized to be physically hurt by him again. 

Jeff began to pack up his things. If he did have to see James again, he could just explain it away that he wanted to be prepared ahead of time. Not too much of a stretch for Jeff. He was packing away his dirty clothes in a separate bag when his phone rang at 4:58. 

The call was from Sumo. 

Jeff’s stomach turned over. Oh god, oh fuck, Jeff chanted in his mind. Of course, he wanted to hear from him, but now? He wasn’t prepared! Jeff had no choice but to answer, Sumo was his only hope after Clarence hadn’t answered. He slid his thumb across the screen to pick up the call.

“Hel–hello?” he stuttered out. 

“Jeff! Oh buddy, I’m so glad you answered!” Clarence’s elated voice yelled out, causing Jeff to distance the phone slightly from his ear. “I’m so sorry! There was so much chaos getting here and checking into the hotel, I didn’t realize my phone had died. As soon as I saw it was dead I borrowed Sumo’s phone to call you. Are you okay?”

Jeff breathed a sigh of relief, mixed with a strange sense of disappointment upon finding it wasn’t Sumo calling. 

“Clarence! I’m okay. I was getting worried when you didn’t answer my calls.”

“Oh Jeff!” Clarence moaned, clearly tormented by worrying his friend.

“No no, it’s okay! Everything is fine. James left already and I’m packing all my stuff up.”

“I can be there in 10 minutes!”

“Thank you, that’s perfect. You remember what hotel I’m in right?”

“Yeah, the SureStay on Van Buren Street.” 

“Yes! I’m in room 227.”

“Okay, hang tight Jeff. My phone should be charged enough soon. I’ll do my special knock so you know it’s me.”

Jeff chuckled. “Thanks, Clarence.”

He hung up, and began cleaning up with new zeal. Usually Jeff would have meticulously packed everything back up, but he was in a time crunch. After all his toiletries were packed up, he piled his bags onto the bed. He did a once over the room, making sure he didn’t forget anything. He suddenly heard a sharp rapping on the door, a mix of long and short knocks. Jeff smiled. Morse code for C, J, S. Clarence, Jeff, and Sumo. 

Jeff didn’t expect the flood of emotion that he experienced when he opened the door. Upon seeing Clarence for the first time in almost a year , his knees almost buckled and Clarence swept him up in a hug. Usually Jeff was overwhelmed by his overbearing friend’s embrace, but now he could only think about how much he loved him. 

“Clarence,” Jeff choked out a sob. 

Clarence squeezed him tighter. “I’m here, Jeff! You’re okay.”

Both men sniffled as they laughed and wiped their tears away. 

“I’ve missed you so much, Jeff.”

“Me too, Clarence, I’m sorry.” Jeff broke the embrace to look at Clarence’s face. Although his friend still had the same bright blue eyes and gapped teeth, he was losing his babyish look. 

“It’s okay, buddy. We can talk about everything later. Right now we need to complete this mission,” Clarence struck a pose making a gun with his fingers, secret agent style. 

Jeff let out a watery laugh, still recovering from crying. “I don’t have much to carry, we can make it down in one trip. I just want to make sure that I have everything.”

Clarence started to pick up some of his things while Jeff went back to the bathroom one more time to make sure nothing was left behind. Jeff placed the hotel keycard on the nightstand once he was sure they had everything and made his way towards the door. 

As Jeff held the door for him, the plastic bag Clarence was holding ripped at the bottom and Jeff’s candles he had bought came tumbling out.

“Oh no! Jeff, I'm sorry!” Clarence scrambled to pick them up. 

“It’s okay! They must have been too heavy for the bag.” Jeff stowed them in another bag, and they closed the door and continued on their way. 

Clarence guided him out to Rita’s purple van in the parking lot. “Thankfully the venue let us store our equipment there ahead of time, otherwise I would have had to meet you out here so I could guard the van,” Clarence explained, smiling at Jeff.

Jeff and Clarence threw the suitcases and bags in the back of the van, spacious from lack of instruments and climbed in the front seats. Clarence turned on the ignition.

“Clarence,” Jeff grabbed his friend’s wrist. “Before we go, please tell me how the conversation went.”

Clarence turned in his seat and scanned Jeff’s face. After a moment, he spoke. “Well, I didn’t go into detail about everything you told me, I just told him that you wanted to leave James. And he said ‘about time’.”

Jeff let out a quiet laugh.

Clarence smiled sadly and continued. “So he was supportive of the whole thing and offered to help me if I needed it. But he didn’t say much else. He’s really hurt still, Jeff. You have to try to understand it from his side. You told him that you didn’t want to be distracted by a boyfriend, and then you went and got a new boyfriend.”

“I know, Clarence! I regret it so much. But I did try to get back with him.”

Clarence looked taken aback. “You did? Neither of you told me that.”

“Well, technically he didn’t know. I had just been hating myself for breaking up with him. I thought it would be better to focus on school but it had the opposite effect. So one night I went to his house to go apologize and try to get him back. But he was with a girl in the back of his truck.”

Clarence’s eyes widened. “What do you mean ‘with’ a girl? Who? Like what were they doing?”

“I don’t know. They were really close to each other and giggling. I didn’t stick around to find out. But Clarence, it broke my heart. After that I was such a mess, so when I met James I got really swept up in him and I felt like he fit into the ‘life plan’ thing I told you about. I couldn't think about Sumo anymore, it was horrible seeing him with someone else.”

“Jeff, I never knew that. Why didn’t you tell me?”

Jeff looked down and shrugged. “It felt embarrassing. I was going to beg him to get back with me, and he had already moved on.”

Clarence frowned contemplatively. “He’s never told me about any girl, so I guess it wasn’t anything serious. Probably just, you know…” Clarence insinuated. 

“I guess! But still, it hurt me badly. And on top of that, you know how I felt insecure about him being bi. Like I was the only guy he had been with, so what if he went back to dating girls and decided he liked that better? Which is a horrible way of thinking, but it just kinda made it real, you know?”

Clarence placed his hand on Jeff’s shoulder. “You should talk to him about it. I think you guys can fix things. You two used to get into it all the time as kids, but you always got past it. Sumo is stubborn, but not heartless.”

“I just want to be friends again. It’ll hurt that I can’t be with him in that way, but I don’t want to lose him completely.”

“He wanted to stay friends with you, Jeff,” Clarence reminded him.

Jeff grimaced. Yeah, he had been the one that ruined everything after the night Sumo came to talk to him.

“No no, I’m not saying it to make you feel bad!” Clarence blurted out upon seeing Jeff’s expression. “ I’m just saying to have a little faith. Just tell him how you feel and see how it turns out.”

“You’re right, Clarence. I’m ready.”

“Alright buddy, let’s go.” He turned the key into the ignition and backed the large van out carefully.

Here goes nothing, Jeff thought.

—

They were standing outside of the hotel room, holding all of Jeff’s belongings. Jeff was currently hyperventilating, and Clarence had a hand on his back. 

“It’s gonna be okay, Jeff.”

Jeff tried to even his breathing, but felt faint. 

“Just be friendly, and then you guys can work it out later.”

“Okay. I can do this,” Jeff gulped. 

“That’s the spirit!” Clarence beamed and opened the door. 

Jeff stepped in first, and his breath caught in his throat. Sumo was on one of the two beds, scrolling through his phone. He looked up, glancing between Jeff and Clarence, but said nothing. 

“Jeff’s here!” Clarence announced, stating the obvious. 

“H-hey, Sumo!” Jeff smiled weakly.

“Hey.”

Jeff’s stomach twisted at Sumo’s short greeting, but persisted. “Thanks for letting me stay here, guys.”

“Sure,” Sumo continued scrolling on his phone. 

“Of course, Jeff,” Clarence piped up. “Let’s get you settled in.” He placed Jeff’s bags onto the unoccupied bed, and pointed to a grocery bag filled with clothes. “I went to your house and asked your moms if I could get some clothes for you. I hope they’re okay.”

Jeff quickly rummaged through the clothes thrown haphazardly into the bag. A pair of jeans, khaki shorts, a black shirt, a light blue shirt, and a white shirt. “Thank you, Clarence. I’m tired of wearing this,” Jeff gestured to his polo shirt and dress pants that were wildly uncomfortable. 

“Well go ahead and change if you want to,” Clarence pointed to the bathroom. “We’re gonna have to get going around 7:30 to set up and do a sound check. You can lay down on my bed too if you want.” Clarence beamed, his contagious smile never changed since childhood. 

“That sounds nice, thanks.”

“Oh wait! Let’s go say hi to Rita and Memo, I’m sure they’ll want to see you.”

Sumo scoffed lightly, sending Jeff’s heart plummeting. 

Clarence shot Sumo a look, but ignored him otherwise and steered Jeff out of the room. “Don’t worry about him, Jeff,” Clarence said as soon as the door was closed. “He’ll come around.”

Jeff still felt disheartened.

“C’mon, let’s see the others,” Clarence slung his arms around Jeff’s shoulders. They walked down the hall and turned, then Clarence knocked on a door. 

“Just a minute!” a woman’s voice called out. A moment later, Rita opened the door. 

“Jeff!” she shouted and beamed. Rita was still tiny as ever, coming up to shoulder-height with Jeff. Rita approached him as if to hug him, but caught herself before doing so. She remembered Jeff wasn’t the touchy-type like she was. 

Jeff was glad that someone was happy to see him, and gave her a light, awkward hug which she accepted. “It’s so good to see you, Rita.”

“You too! How have you been? Are you excited to see us play tonight? Clarence told me that you were gonna head back to Aberdale with us.”

“Yeah, it’s been a while since I’ve heard you play, I’m really looking forward to it.”

She smiled. “Well come in and say hi to Memo, too.”

She ushered the two boys in, and lightly shook the man who was sleeping on one of the beds. 

“Hey, Jeff’s here.”

Memo blinked his eyes a few times as he woke up and scanned the room, eyes landing on Jeff. 

“Oh hey,” he smiled awkwardly. Memo was the quiet type, and they’d never really talked much. 

“It’s nice to see you again, Memo,” Jeff walked across the room and stuck out his hand for him to shake. 

“You too,” Memo shook his hand briefly. “Sorry, I’m pretty tired.”

“Oh please, you weren’t the one driving here. You had plenty of time to rest.”

“Rita, I don’t think anyone could rest while you’re driving,” Clarence teased.

She stuck her tongue out at him and walked back to the others. Memo went back to sleep. 

“So Jeff, did you come here on your own?”

Jeff was slightly surprised. He didn’t expect Clarence to disclose anything about his situation, but he hadn’t thought he would be very discreet about it either.

“Uhh… I came with a friend who had business in town. I didn’t know you guys were gonna perform, actually. But I talked to Clarence about going back with you all. I hope you don’t mind,” he grimaced at the last part. 

“Of course not,” Rita punched him lightly on the shoulder. Jeff thanked the heavens it wasn’t on the same arm James had hurt. “Clarence asked if it was alright, and we have room in the van. If anything, it means we have a roadie now,” she winked at him, knowing full well that Jeff would struggle to move heavy equipment.

Jeff laughed lightly. “I’ll help as best as I can.”

“Well, I’m gonna go grab some food for us before we have to leave,” Clarence said. “We probably won’t get another chance after we set up. Did you guys want anything from Rough Riders? I saw one nearby.”

“Rough Riders?” Rita whined. “C’mon, let’s get something we don’t have at home! I saw an Eegee’s on the way over. I’ll go with you to help you carry the food.”

“That works,” Clarence smiled at the prospect of food. 

“I’ll meet you down in the lobby in like 20 minutes. I really have to straighten my hair while I have the chance,” Rita frowned, removing her long hair from a bun.

“Okay, see ya. I’ll go ask Sumo what he wants.”

They exited the room, and halfway down the hall, Clarence stopped Jeff in his tracks. 

“Jeff,” he grabbed onto one of his hands. “I think you should stay here and talk to Sumo while I go get food.”

“What? No!” Jeff paled. 

“Yes! Now is the only time. After we set up, he’s probably gonna be too busy. Then he’ll be too tired after the show. And on the car ride back, you’ll have no privacy. Just do it now.”

“But what if it really upsets him, and then he won’t perform well? I don’t want to ruin it for him.”

“Nah, if anything it’ll help him. One time, one of his dogs died a few hours before they had a gig. It didn’t affect his performance, I think drumming helps him process his emotions.”

Jeff bit his lip. It was something he was going to have to do eventually. But if it turned out badly, he’d be stuck sitting in a van with him for 2 hours. 

Clarence squeezed his hand gently. “Do it, Jeff. It’s gonna be okay.”

Jeff breathed out shakily. “Okay. I’m scared, but I’ll do it.”

Clarence grinned. “I’ll ask him what he wants to eat and then head down to the lobby. It should give you guys enough time before I get back with the food.”

Jeff nodded, his heart thumping in his chest. Clarence opened the hotel door and let Jeff inside first. Sumo was in the same spot, continuing to scroll through his phone. 

“Hey Sumo,” Clarence began. “I’m gonna go grab some food from Eegee’s, text me what you want. You too, Jeff.” Before anyone had a chance to respond, Clarence hurried out the room and closed the door. 

Sumo and Jeff made eye contact, and both quickly looked away. Jeff made his way to the other bed and sat stiffly on the edge. He pulled out his phone to message Clarence. 

Chicken Salad and a bottle of water, please. Before he hit ‘send’ he added, I’m scared!!!

Clarence texted back quickly. Got it! U’ll b fine, with a thumbs up emoji. 

Jeff glanced over at Sumo who was typing something rapidly on his phone, brow furrowed. Probably cussing Clarence out for leaving him stuck in here with me. 

Jeff cleared his throat nervously. “So Sumo, are you excited to perform tonight?” He winced as Sumo dragged his eyes off his phone over to him, keeping the same deadpan expression. 

“Yeah.”

“Cool,” Jeff smiled weakly.

And just like that, the conversation was over. Sumo continued typing on his phone. Jeff panicked. He had to bite the bullet. Small talk wasn’t going to get him anywhere. 

“Sumo, I’m sorry. I know you probably don’t want to hear me out, but I really need you to listen to me. At least just this once. If you never want to talk to me again after, fine. But please, just listen for now.”

Sumo sighed and put his phone down. “Okay Jeff, let’s get this over with.” 

Despite his nerves, Jeff’s stomach filled with butterflies when Sumo said his name. Fuck , I’m still hopelessly in love. 

“I know I’ve acted horribly. I regret it all the time. There’s nothing I can tell you that would make up for me pushing you guys away. But I apologize, sincerely. I’m so upset with myself.”

Sumo kept steady eye contact with him, his face impassive, and said nothing.

Jeff continued. “I want you to know that I think of you always. Both you and Clarence. James changed me. And I’m not saying that as a copout, I know my actions were in my control, but he had an effect on me. I can see that now. I wish I had never met him,” Jeff’s eyes welled up with tears, but he blinked them away. He didn’t want Sumo to think he was trying to get him to feel sorry for him. He knew it wouldn’t work, anyway.  “I really thought that having you as a boyfriend would distract me in college, because we would hang out a lot, and I thought that I wouldn’t take any schooling opportunities out of town because I wouldn’t want to leave you behind. But it was so much worse not having you. You were all I could think about. So James became a distraction, and it just escalated from there. I thought he was what I needed, but it was you the whole time. And then it just felt like it was too late. I had wanted to get back together. I tried to.”

Sumo scoffed, finally breaking his silence. “No you didn’t. It’s one thing to act like an asshole, but don’t lie to my face.”

“I did, Sumo!” Jeff looked at him pleadingly. “I walked all the way to your house to beg you to be with me again, but you had already moved on. And I couldn’t blame you, I was the one that said we couldn’t be together. I couldn’t expect you to be waiting around for me.”

“What the hell are you talking about, Jeff?” Sumo was becoming angry, his ears reddening. 

“You were with a girl, Sumo! I went over to your house, and you were with a girl in the back of your truck. I took the hint and left.” A tear slipped out of Jeff’s eye. 

Sumo finally sat up and fully turned his body towards Jeff. “Jeff, making shit up isn’t going to work. You never tried to come back. Stop trying to make it seem like I’m the one at fault here.”

“I’m not making anything up! It was sometime after Thanksgiving during my first college semester, because I was getting ready to take my finals. I walked all the way to your house, but left as soon as I saw you guys. It hurt so badly, but how could I expect you to stay single?” Jeff wiped his eyes. 

Sumo frowned, looking thoughtful. “Thanksgiving?” After a moment, his face flashed with realization. “No! That was Michelle. The one I was friends with since West Aberdale. She had just come back from California visiting her family for Thanksgiving. She had weed, we were smoking.” Sumo grimaced.

“Huh?”

“I mean, I’m sure you don’t like that answer either, but it was something I had given up doing at the time since I knew you didn’t like it. But since we weren’t together anymore and she offered, I smoked with her. It wasn’t anything more. We were just huddled up so my parents couldn’t see us.”

Jeff couldn’t believe it. “I guess I didn’t smell it because my nose was all stuffy from walking in the cold.”

The two stared at each other, awkward that all the years of pain had been because of a misunderstanding. 

Sumo sighed. “Jeff, why didn’t you just ask me about it?”

Jeff shrugged, looking down. “I don’t know, Sumo. I was angry, sad, embarrassed. I was scared that if I asked you to get back together with me, you would tell me there was already someone else. So I just repressed all my feelings because I couldn’t handle the thought of that. I didn’t even tell Clarence what had happened.”

Sumo held his head in his hands, closing his eyes. A long pause, Jeff continued.

“And that’s when I met James during the spring semester. I felt like I could take my mind off of you. And it felt like it could work out. He had similar ambitions to me, we had the same major. I felt like I could move on, or at least distract myself from never having you again.”

“But you could have had me!” Sumo raised his voice, frustrated, eyes locked on Jeff’s. “You should have talked to me about it. Even if we weren’t together, we were still friends. You’d think after knowing each other for so long, you could have confronted me. That’s the thing with you. You think you’re always right. You’re too proud, too scared to face up to things. You said you couldn’t be with me because of school, then you turned around and got someone else. What was I supposed to think? I thought it was me. Do you know how shitty it feels to have someone you love make you feel like you’re not good enough? ”

Jeff clasped his hands together tightly, his chest aching. Of course he knew how that felt. Maybe he didn’t love James, but having his partner constantly put him down caused him immeasurable pain. And he had made Sumo feel the same way. 

“I loved you,” Sumo said quietly. “I loved you even when you were with James. And even though it hurt, I wanted you to be happy. And I could see that he was treating you badly. I was scared for you, Jeff. But that night that you said I was jealous was a low blow. I knew that at that point I wasn’t gonna get through to you. You had treated me and Clarence so badly, I just had to be done.”

The two men stared at each other in silence, the words sinking in. 

“Sumo,” Jeff tried to even out his shaky voice. “I know I can’t take back what has already happened. But please . I want to be better, for both you and Clarence. I know I was horrible. James made me quit therapy, isolated me, ruined every good thing about me. I want to work on it. I know it’s gonna take a lot of trust from you, but I need you in my life. Not only because half the time you end up saving me from myself–”

Sumo interrupted with a short laugh. “No kidding.”

He continued. “But because I care about  you. Even if it doesn’t seem like I do. But I think about you every single day.”

Jeff felt emboldened and walked over to Sumo, sitting next to him on the edge of the bed. 

“Sumo. I just want us all to be friends again. I know things may not ever be the same, but I can’t live knowing that I’ve hurt you and that you hate me. I need to try to make things right.”

Sumo sighed, staring up at the ceiling. “Jeff.”

“Yes?”

“You really fucked up.”

Jeff shrunk into himself, heart plummeting. “I know,” he said quietly.

“And it’s gonna take a lot more than just an apology from you.”

Jeff nodded, defeated.

“But I don’t hate you. If you’re willing to put in the work, and show that you are trying to be a better friend, then I’m willing to try too.”

Jeff’s breath caught in his throat. It was a yes. A hesitant yes, but a yes nonetheless. He nodded fervently. “Okay. Yes. I will, Sumo. It’s a promise.”

They met each other’s eyes, and Jeff did everything in his power to not grab Sumo’s hand, or hug him, or kiss him. This was going to hurt so badly knowing that he could never be his , but he preferred this pain to not having him in his life at all. 

“Well,” Sumo began with a small smile, “you’d better get ready because after we eat, we’re dragging you to help us set up for the show.”

Jeff beamed. “I’d love to.”

—

When Clarence got back to the room, the earlier tension had dissipated. Jeff was wearing the white shirt and jeans Clarence had brought for him. Sumo had turned on the TV and Jeff was rifling through his suitcase and occasionally glancing up at the show Sumo was watching. 

“Food’s here!” he announced, lightly shaking the bag. The two men looked up at Clarence.  

“Alright!” Sumo scrambled to his feet, retrieved the bag from Clarence’s hand and started digging through it to find his order. Jeff made eye contact with Clarence and smiled. 

Clarence gave him an inconspicuous thumbs up, grinning. 

–

It was getting closer to the time to leave, and the band members were almost done getting ready. Sumo emerged from the bathroom, still tousling his hair with his fingers to get it to the desired texture. 

“Damn, good thing I consulted with your mom, Clarence. I finally got it to look sort of the way she does it.”

Both Clarence and Jeff looked up. Jeff’s heart stopped. 

His eyes traveled down Sumo’s body. His hair was messy-on-purpose, sides shaved and the longer hair on top brushed forward. He had applied just a hint of eyeliner so that it wasn’t apparent, but gave his eyes a sultry look. Jeff noticed he now had three small silver rings in  his right ear. He wore a black tank shirt with dropped armholes, exposing his chest and abs when he turned to the side, and Jeff spotted a tattooed band of barbed wire wrapping around his upper left arm.  His dark wash jeans fit him tastefully, but Jeff struggled to pull his eyes away from the curve of his ass. 

Jeff gulped, hoping his staring wasn’t too obvious. 

“Yeah looks good, bud,” Clarence nodded, slurping the rest of his slushie. He looked at Jeff with a sidelong glance, having noticed his friend gaping. “What do you think, Jeff?” he asked with barely concealed amusement. 

“Um, y-yeah! I like how you look. I mean, I like your hair. You look good. Your hair. Looks good,” Jeff rambled, and punctuated it with an embarrassed smile.

Clarence’s mouth twisted as he tried not to laugh.

“Thanks, man,” Sumo looked at him oddly, crossing the room to find his boots. “Y’all better finish up here, we gotta get going soon.” Although Sumo was usually a “go with the flow” person, when it came to shows he always panicked and wanted to be on time. 

“Yeah we know, Sumo,” Clarence waved a hand at him. “We’ll start getting ready.”

“Okay. I’m gonna go check on Memo and Rita. You guys wanna meet downstairs then?” Sumo asked, lacing up his boots. 

“Sure, that works,” Clarence finished up his slushie, and Jeff nodded.

“See y’all later,” Sumo said, shutting the door. 

As soon as the door was closed, Clarence turned to Jeff. “So what happened?”

“It went well! Obviously things aren’t completely back to normal, but he’s willing to try to trust me again.”

“That’s great, bud,” Clarence beamed. “We’d better start getting ready.

“I am, I already changed,” Jeff pulled at his shirt to show Clarence the clothes he had brought for him. “I just have to put on my shoes.”

“Wait, Jeff,” Clarence frowned. “You didn’t check the other clothes?” 

“No,” Jeff replied,  confused as to why it mattered. 

Clarence got up, crossed the room to retrieve the bag, and handed it to Jeff. “Get the black one.”

Jeff obeyed, and pulled out the garment from the bag. “Are we all supposed to wear black or something?” He unfolded the shirt and held it out in front of him to look at it.

It was his old Desert Voyager shirt. He looked up at Clarence, who winked at him. 

“I figured it would be appropriate,” Clarence stated, looking proud of himself.

“I had buried this deep in the drawer,” Jeff laughed, and rubbed the fabric lovingly between his fingers. Clarence always knew just what to do. “I couldn’t bear to see it, but I also couldn’t get rid of it.”

“Well hurry up and put it on, you have to show your support,” Clarence stated, holding out his own Desert Voyager shirt, although a newer one that had a design Jeff had never seen before.

Jeff changed, and though the shirt was a little shorter than it had fit him when he was seventeen, it felt right. He looked in the mirror and his mind was flooded with the memory of Sumo’s first gig, when he had become his boyfriend. He drew in a shaky breath. Although they couldn’t be together, he had him back in his life. For the first time in years, he felt genuine happiness. 

—

Things were hectic the minute Clarence and Jeff came downstairs. Sumo and Rita were arguing about whether they had brought and dropped off all three mic stands, and Memo was trying to call someone from the venue to see if they were there. 

“If you hadn’t been talking to me about that stupid movie you watched while we were unloading the van, I would have been able to remember if we had all three!” Rita fumed, hands on her hips. 

“Well if you had used my system for loading and unloading, it wouldn’t even be a question!” Sumo retorted back.

Memo plugged one finger into his ear, trying to hear the person on the other end of the call.

“Who needs a system for that? You just do it !”

“It works, dingbat! We’ve never had this issue before!”

“Guys, guys, Memo can’t hear if you keep yelling,” Clarence interrupted their fighting. “They get stressed, you know how they both are with each other,” Clarence whispered. Jeff did know. They were close friends, but Rita was explosive and Sumo never took it. 

Rita and Sumo stopped arguing, but they still seethed with annoyance at each other. Clarence still had the keys from when they got food, and unlocked the back doors. Rita and Sumo tossed their backpacks in, which were filled with their water bottles, small snacks, and emergency hair and makeup products. 

They climbed into their respective seats, and Jeff and Clarence hung back to hoist Memo’s belongings in the back for him.

“Okay, thank you,” Memo finished the call, pale. He slid the phone back in his pocket. “Guys, they said they have all three but that one is missing the base.”

“Well that’s just great,” Rita yelled from the driver’s seat. “We’re gonna have to go to a fucking Guitar Center and pay a shit ton of money.” 

Clarence had been struck by an idea and announced it to the group. “Maybe we can just borrow a mic stand from Drowning Stones?” 

Rita spun around in her seat. “Are you kidding me? You think a band like Drowning Stones even wants to associate with us? Let alone lend us their equipment? That’s so fucking stupid!”

Clarence shrank back, and Jeff tensed with anger.

“Don’t talk to him like that,” Jeff blurted, not thinking. “He’s just trying to be helpful. All you guys have done is complain and blame each other.”

“Why the fuck are you having an opinion in this?  You just got here!”

“Stop,” Sumo interjected sternly, putting his hand on Rita’s shoulder. “He’s right, Clarence is just trying to be helpful.  We’re not getting anywhere by yelling at each other.”

Rita took a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Clarence. I didn’t mean to react like that, I’m just stressed. Okay, we’ll just have to suck it up and go buy one. Everyone in the van.”

Clarence squeezed Jeff’s shoulder in thanks, he had never been good at standing up for himself. Sumo looked back at Jeff with an expression he couldn’t quite make out, but Jeff took it as respect for standing up for their friend. Maybe.

Clarence motioned Jeff into the back doors, they’d be sitting on the floor of the van together. While Jeff climbed in, he saw something under the backseat. 

“Wait guys, is this it?” he pulled out three small rods that were held together by a black piece  of plastic. 

Everyone turned to look at him. As soon as Rita’s eyes landed on what Jeff was holding, her face brightened.

“Jeff! Yes, that’s it! I could kiss you!” she beamed at him. 

“Thank god,” Memo breathed out a sigh of relief. 

“Great looking out, man!” Sumo grinned at him. 

Jeff’s heart swelled, he missed Sumo’s smile being directed at him. It always made him feel like he was the only person that existed to Sumo when he smiled at him.  

“We’re still on track,” Sumo announced, satisfied. When it came to shows, he always wanted to be organized. 

“Alright, let’s head on out!” Clarence whooped. 

—

Jeff received “tour staff 101” from Clarence. They got there at 7:45, which gave them enough time to set up.

Clarence had shown him how to assemble mic stands, plug cords into amps, and consult with the sound tech to make sure all the volume levels for mics and instruments were correct. 

“We have a lot of time to set up now, but when we have to takedown we’ll have to move faster. But having an extra pair of hands is already a big help,” Clarence explained, smiling at him. “The next thing we have to do is set up and man the merch table,” he pointed to a table near the entrance. “We’re lucky that this venue has a sunken standing area. Now we have a pretty clear view of the stage so you can watch them. Sometimes we’re in a different room or hallway.”

“Wow Clarence, I had no idea you guys have come so far! I remember when Sumo was still ironing on the designs with transfer paper,” he stated, running a hand down his first edition Desert Voyager shirt and comparing the feel to the soft screen printed ones. 

“I know! I’m really proud of them.”

“I’m proud of you too,  Clarence! You’ve been so dedicated to the band.”

“It’s a lot of fun for me, I get to meet people and hang out with my friends.”

Jeff wondered to himself if he could start being a part of this, and things could be like old times. 

—

Setting up the merch table had actually been pretty fun for Jeff. When the doors opened, only about 25 people had been waiting and Sumo was stressed. 

“No one is going to come see us and it’s gonna look so bad!”

No matter how many shows they had performed (it had been about fifteen so far), Sumo was always a nervous wreck before. 

“This is the biggest show we’ve done, I don’t know if we’re ready for it. And then to be followed up by Drowning Stones! No one ever pays attention to the openers,” Sumo threw his hands up, defeated. 

“Relax, bud,” Clarence put a hand on Sumo’s shoulder. “You already know it’s gonna be fine.”

“Yeah Sumo, you have nothing to worry about. The fact that you’ve been booked here really says something. Not many bands even make it out of their hometown. There’s a reason you guys are playing in Phoenix,” Jeff smiled. 

Sumo offered a hesitant but genuine smile back at Jeff. “Thanks Jeff. You’re right.” He checked his phone and let out a shaky breath. “Okay. We’ve got 30 minutes before we’re on.”

“I’ll buy us some shots,” Jeff offered. “I mean, if you’re up for it. Maybe a little liquid courage?”

Clarence and Sumo raised their eyebrows at their friend, who they had never known to drink. 

Jeff noted their expressions. “What? It’s a rare treat.”

The men chuckled, and Jeff led them to the bar. 

“Oh hey!” the bartender greeted Jeff. “I didn’t know you were with the band.”

“I didn’t either until recently,” Jeff grinned. “You ready to see the show?”

“Yeah!” She turned to Sumo and Clarence. “Your friend here hyped your band up, I’m looking forward to hearing y’all.” 

Sumo blanched, and Clarence beamed. “They’re well worth the hype. You’ll love it,” Clarence gushed. 

“I’m sure I will. Almost time for you to be on! What can I get for you?” 

“3 shots. Tequila for me.”

“Fireball, please.”

“Whiskey.”

The bartender placed the orders in front of each man, and they toasted their glasses to each other. 

“To a great show,” Jeff smiled. 

“To not embarrassing ourselves on st age,” Sumo sighed.  

“To friendship!” Clarence beamed. 

They each downed their glasses, grimacing at the taste. 

“Thanks, Jeff. I’m gonna head back to the green room. I’ll see y’all after.” 

Clarence clapped Sumo on the back and pulled him into a hug. “You’re gonna do great, buddy.”

Feeling emboldened by the drink, Jeff stuck out his hand to shake Sumo’s. “Good luck, Sumo.” 

Sumo’s clammy hand sent sparks through Jeff, and the expression on Sumo’s face suggested he must have felt some kind of way as well. Sumo looked down, and realization bloomed on his face into a smile. 

“Jeff! Your shirt! I was so caught up in everything, I didn’t notice.” Without thinking, he pulled at the front of Jeff’s shirt to get a better look at the design. “Oh my god, I can’t believe you still have this. I remember–” he cut himself off and let go of the shirt. “Sorry. It’s just really cool to see our original design.”

“Of course, I’d never get rid of it,” Jeff said, meeting Sumo’s eyes. 

Despite himself, Sumo blushed and his ears reddened. He studied Jeff, getting a look on his face like he was deep in thought, then patted him on the shoulder. “Okay, I really gotta get back.”

He waved at them,  jogging to the green room in a rush. 

Clarence side-eyed Jeff with a knowing smile. 

“Shut up,” Jeff mumbled, not containing his grin and playfully shoving Clarence. 

“I didn’t say anything!” Clarence giggled, then glanced towards the entrance. “Alright man, we gotta get back to manning our station.” Clarence nodded towards the merch table as more concert goers streamed in. “There’s about 150 tickets already sold, someone is bound to want our stuff.”

Jeff didn’t want to get his hopes up about what that interaction with Sumo meant. But he was absolutely floating on air as he walked back. 

—

When Desert Voyager appeared on stage, there were a good 60 people in the crowd, with more trickling in. Jeff and Clarence applauded along with the crowd as Sumo sat at his drumset and Rita and Memo picked up their guitars. 

“Hey everyone, we’re Desert Voyager!” Rita announced. 

The crowd cheered and Sumo thumped his bass drum to kick up some noise. 

“We’re so happy to be here tonight performing for you all. We know you’ve probably never heard of us, but we’re your neighbors from over in Aberdale.”

The crowd cheered again, and a few loud ‘whoops’ indicated some of the spectators were also from Aberdale. 

Rita, ever so charming at working the crowd, continued. “Feel free to dance, we aim to please. And after about an hour of our noise, we’ll welcome onto the stage DROWNING STONES!” Sumo punctuated her sentence with pounding his bass drum again.

Everyone cheered wildly. 

“Okay, enough of my yapping. This first one is called ‘Quicksand’!” 

The music started up, and soon Memo began belting out sharp lyrics about falling in love with someone and it soon becoming suffocating and toxic. 

Clarence surreptitiously looked over at Jeff, worried that the lyrics would bother him. After all, the lyrics were written by Sumo, although only Clarence knew the inspiration behind the song. He noticed Jeff swallowing thickly, and as he began to look away  he caught a glimpse of Jeff’s arm. He held onto Jeff’s forearm, avoiding the area that looked painful. Thankfully it was a louder part of the song, because he couldn’t contain it. “Jeff. What the fuck.”

Jeff looked over and traced Clarence’s gaze, and attempted to cover it. They made eye contact and the pitiful look on Jeff’s face almost knocked the air out of Clarence. 

“I’m gonna kill him.” 

Jeff was taken aback. His typically bubbly friend never talked like that. “Clarence, I’m okay. I’m not around him anymore, I’m never gonna see him again.”

The song was over, and Clarence seethed as everyone cheered. He kept his composure so as to not make a scene and embarrass either of his friends, but Jeff saw how disturbed he was. 

Jeff placed a hand on Clarence’s shoulder. “Please Clarence. I’ll talk to you about it later, but I really don’t want to think about it tonight.”

Clarence nodded, taking a deep breath. “Okay, I’m gonna drop it for now because tonight is important. but you have to promise me we’ll talk about it later.” 

Jeff nodded, shaken by his friend’s seriousness. He never paused to think about it from an outside perspective, but yeah, it had been bad. His arm throbbed, thinking about it. Still, he was determined to have a good time. This was the beginning of the rest of his life. The thought seemed to have been shared with Clarence, who gave him a small smile as Desert Voyager started up their next song. 

—

“Well everyone, it’s almost that time of the night where we have to say goodbye.” The crowd– which had grown to max capacity– let out a collective “aww” as Rita feigned deep sadness, bringing her hands to her heart. “But! We have two more songs for you.” Everyone broke out in applause and cheers. 

“This next one is a cover,” Memo spoke up.  “It’s a  little different from what we typically do, but our drummer is a real Romeo and needs to send a message to someone in the audience.”

Everyone let out a scandalous “ooooh” as they clapped.

Jeff’s world stopped. There was no way. 

“I’d sing it myself if I didn’t sound like I gargle with nails every morning,” Sumo shrugged. 

“Yeah, we don’t want to get booed out of here so I’ll be helping him out,” Memo teased. 

The audience laughed and clapped. Sumo continued. “This person is really special to me, and we both fucked up. One of us more than the other. But this is my way of making peace. Hope you all enjoy.”

 Jeff turned to Clarence, who looked equally as surprised. 

Before they could even say anything to each other, Desert Voyager started abruptly,  Memo singing lyrics that were all too familiar to Jeff. 

Galaxy, galaxy

Won't you be my consolation?

I need someone to kiss my hands and my feet

And make me feel complete, oh, yeah

Jeff’s breath hitched in his throat. It was too good to be true. Sumo was looking right at him, a determined expression on his face. Jeff thought his heart would burst from how hard it was beating.

Mysterious universe

I know you're unrehearsed

But I see the light in your hands

You're the man with the plan, oh, yeah

But it feels just like I'm falling all the time

(Falling all the time)

Jeff reached for Clarence’s hand and squeezed tight, feeling lightheaded.

High as a pretty star

Don't you break my faded heart

Don't put me out

Show me what it's all about

Don't you break my faded heart

Sumo drummed with fluid movements, singing along and obviously letting emotion overtake him as he bared his soul to Jeff and everyone else in the venue. 

Fantasy, fantasy

You got me howling like a dog in the heat

I'm trying not to put up a fight

But I can't lose another night, oh, no

So call me your Romeo

Jeff pulled his eyes away from Sumo to look at Rita and Memo who were absolutely beaming at him. 

I'll show you the way my Thunderbird sings

You and the suede backseat is all I'll ever need, oh yeah

But it feels like I'm running out of time

(Running out of time)

Sumo locked eyes with him again as Memo sang the chorus. After everything, after all the heartache, Sumo still loved him. There was a chance. 

Sumo sang the next part a little louder, sincere but strained, less self-conscious with the support from Memo’s velvety tone.

I'm searching for a sign

Been looking way too high

Heart in the trenches, head in the heavens

Jeff suddenly realized tears were streaming down his face and laughed. Sumo nodded at him, confirming what he was hoping beyond all hope. While things weren’t perfect, they could try.

High as a pretty star

Don't you break my faded heart

Don't put me out

Show me what it's all about

Don't you break my faded heart

The room erupted into cheers. Clarence gave Jeff a tight side-hug and he turned to see his friend with matching tears in his eyes. Jeff noticed that Clarence was recording on his phone and internally thanked him for capturing what was now the best night of his life. 

“Thanks everyone, it was important that I got that out there,” Sumo said after the applause died down. 

Someone in the crowd shouted, “Hope it helps you get laid tonight!”

Everyone laughed and Memo strummed out a suggestive “wow-wow” on his guitar. Jeff turned red despite himself.

“Ok everyone, keep it in your pants” Rita announced. “Alright, here’s our last song, thanks for being here. Get ready to dance!”

—

The next moments after Desert Voyager finished their set were hectic. A ton of new fans lined up at the merch table, fueled by the charged performance to purchase shirts, patches, and stickers. Earlier, Clarence and Jeff had agreed that Jeff would manage the sales while Clarence assisted the band in packing up their equipment. Jeff conversed with the attendees who were gushing about the performance.

“I loved them! I hope they start playing in Phoenix more often.”

“Oh my god, I can’t believe I had never heard of them before!”

“That drummer is hot, I wonder who the song was for.”

Jeff smiled, making change and folding up shirts. He was on cloud nine, the same giddiness taking over him when he used to brag about his boyfriend being in a band. 

Soon, Rita bounced up to him. “Hey, we’re done packing up. I can take over. There’s 15 minutes until Drowning Stones come on, and I think you need to have an important conversation.”

“Okay,” Jeff steeled himself, nervous but determined. 

“He’s out back in the alley. Just go through the green room.” 

“Thanks, Rita.”

He made his way through the crowd anxiously. He arrived at a black door, opening to the green room where he recognized the band’s backpacks on the couch. He found another metal door with a small window and pushed it open. Sure enough, he saw Sumo immediately as he exited.  The scent of cigarette smoke hit him. 

Sumo turned to look at him, a cigarette between his lips.

“Hey,” Jeff said, coming up behind him. His hands were clammy, shaking, and he rubbed them on his pants. 

“Hey,” Sumo echoed. He blew out his smoke before turning around and dropped the cigarette to the ground, crushing it with his foot. “Sorry, I know you hate it. Bad habit when I’m nervous.”

“Well…” Jeff began awkwardly and let out a breathy laugh. “I wasn’t expecting that at all.”

“To be honest, neither was I. It was a spur of the moment decision. I’m just glad we all remembered how to play the song.”

“Yeah, it’s definitely been a while.”

A beat of silence passed. 

“Sumo, you have no idea what this means to me. I’m really going to try,” Jeff wrung his hands. “I’m really going to try to show you the person I am, not the person I was. I will do whatever it takes, no matter how long it takes. I–”

Sumo interrupted him, crushing his lips against Jeff’s and pulling him in. Sumo held onto him so tightly that Jeff thought he would snap in half. He didn’t care. The kiss was desperate, yearning. Sumo reached up to cradle Jeff’s face gently in his hand as the kiss deepened, and Jeff leaned into it. Sumo broke it first, his hand lingering on his face, and the men stared into each other's eyes. After a long pause, Sumo finally spoke. 

“Do you know how long I waited for you to come back to me?” His voice was hoarse from both the cigarette and emotion. He pressed his hand against Jeff’s face harder, not aggressively, but with the desperation of the two years they lost. 

“Sumo...Ryan, I’m sorry,” Jeff mumbled, collapsing into Sumo’s chest. They held each other tightly, Sumo rubbing circles on his back. He blinked tears out of his eyes to look directly at Sumo. “I love you. I’m sorry for everything. I never stopped loving you.”

Sumo thumbed tears away from Jeff’s cheeks. “I know. Neither did I.”

“You’re all I could think about. I hated myself for not being with you still.”

“Jeff, I really struggled without you too. I mean, half the songs I write are about you. Hell, I couldn’t even have the ‘rockstar’ experience of fans wanting to screw because I needed it to be you.” 

They both chuckled and embraced in the back alley, the sound of the crowd chattering vaguely in the background. It felt right to Jeff. It wasn’t part of the life plan, but it was the trajectory his life belonged on. Sumo was always meant to be a part of him.

They both got quiet, reveling in the fact that they were together for the first time in two years. 

“So…” Jeff began nervously, afraid to address the elephant in the room: what are we?

Sumo seemed to read his mind, knowing him better than anyone, and sort of wondering the same thing himself. “It’s a start. So much has changed. Like we said, we’ll have to work on hanging out again.” A sly look took over his face, and he took on the Southern Belle accent he usually did to tease Jeff. “That means you’re gonna have to court me first, Jefferey,” he drawled out, batting his eyes. 

“Oh my god,” Jeff rolled his eyes, but the grin on his face gave him away. “Okay. I can definitely work with that.”

They embraced once more, however it was short lived. 

The door creaked open slowly, and they both jumped apart. “Hey,” Memo gently poked his head out. “I hate to interrupt, but we’ve got a situation.” 

“What do you mean?” Sumo questioned, turning towards him. 

“Clarence just punched some guy in the face.”

“CLARENCE?!” Sumo and Jeff echoed. 

Memo held the door open as the two hurried inside and jogged over to the merch table. Jeff beheld the scene before him, gasping. 

Clarence was panting with rage, security standing in front of him and Rita, whose lips were moving a mile a minute, arguing. On the floor was a man wearing dress pants and a gaudy floral silk shirt, holding his nose in pain, blood dribbling out. A chill ran through Jeff.

James. 

“Hey, what’s going on over here?” Sumo demanded, walking up to them. Bystanders were craning their necks to see what drama the opening band was stirring up. 

“This fucking guy was over here trying to get us to tell him where Jeff was. He wouldn’t take no for an answer so he started insulting us and he got in Clarence’s face, so Clarence did what he needed to do,” Rita stated angrily. 

“Jefferey!” James yelled from the floor, hoisting himself up but still pressing a hand to his bleeding nose. “Call off your fucking freaks. We’re getting out of here this instant! AND pressing charges.”

“Oh fuck no,” Sumo snarled, realizing who it was. He pushed Jeff behind him instinctively. 

“Look, this has gotta stop,” the burly security guard spoke up. “We have a show to run. I know y’all are the band, but if you can’t control yourselves I’m gonna have to ask all of you to leave.”

Jeff looked around at his friends. The band looked devastated, their first big gig and they were getting kicked out. Clarence’s face was full of rage like he’d never seen him before. And James was there, looking smug despite just having been punched in the face. Jeff’s heart was heavy. He’d barely made up with his friends and was fucking up again by dragging them into his drama. He debated whether he should just leave with him and risk his well-being to spare his friends from being kicked out. He bit his lip as he looked James over, contemplating. He noticed a ticket in James’s pocket, and couldn’t believe that James would even bother sparing ten dollars to get in and look for him. An idea struck him. 

“No.” Jeff stated. Everyone turned to look at him. “No James, I’m not going to let you destroy this for me.” He went up to the security guard. “This is my ex,” Jeff pointed at James, “who assaulted me earlier and is now stalking me. I must have dropped the ticket in our hotel room and he followed me here. They were just protecting me from him. I’ll show you.”

Jeff pulled his sleeve up, revealing the wound James inflicted on him. Sumo, Rita, and Memo leaned forward, wincing, incredulous that James had gone that far. 

James rolled his eyes and scoffed. “That doesn’t prove anything. For all we know, it could have been your trailer-trash boyfriend that did that.”

Sumo tensed up, ready to snap at him, but Jeff beat him to it. 

“I’ll do you one better then.” Jeff opened the photos on his phone and showed the live image to the security guard and James. Below Jeff’s bruised, red arm, a shirt was clearly visible in the background. A tacky, expensive silk shirt. The same shirt James was wearing now. Jeff continued. “I also saw cameras outside of the Hall of Flame, where he injured me. I’m sure they’d be willing to go over the footage if it means assisting in an assault—no, domestic violence case.”

James swallowed, his panicked expression visible even in the low lighting of the venue. He knew better than to continue to argue and ruin his reputation for life. 

The security guard looked back at James, daring him to reply. 

James huffed, and attempted to wipe the blood off of his mouth to no avail. It covered his teeth as he berated Jeff for the last time. “It’s your loss Jefferey. Look at me and look at you. Enjoy your miserable life with these failures. You’ll never have what you had with me again.” 

“Alright, alright,” the security guard began pushing him out.

The group exchanged glances and stood there awkwardly, however relieved they had been allowed to stay. A few audience members nearby had the decency to appear disinterested as they witnessed everything, while others gawked.

Jeff was the first to speak. “Guys, I am so, so sorry. I didn’t know he would come here. I know this is your big night, I’m sorry,” Jeff wrung his hands together, anguished. 

“Jeff! Who fucking cares? You just had someone assault you and stalk you. Are you okay?” Rita stepped over to him, tenderly grabbing his arm to get a better look. 

Sumo’s face was a twist of concern. “Jeff, I’m sorry. I had no idea it was that bad.” He joined Rita in inspecting his arm. 

“I’m okay guys, don’t worry about it.” Jeff looked to Clarence. “Are you okay?”

Clarence had calmed himself, breathing evenly. “Yeah, just annoyed that I got stopped before I could get another hit in.”

“Thank you guys, really. I’m sorry I’ve caused so much chaos, but I just want this to be over. I just want to have a good time with my friends. I want you guys to enjoy tonight,” Jeff said solemnly.

“Are you kidding? This is the kind of action that musicians write about in their memoirs,” Memo joked. “We’re just getting a jumpstart on it.” Jeff laughed. 

“Yeah, and everyone loved us! We need to be riding that high,” Rita punched Memo in the arm for emphasis.

Sumo rubbed Jeff’s back. “Yeah man, we’re having a great time! And we learned Clarence has a mean right-hook.”  

Everyone laughed, and Jeff remembered what it was like to not have to walk on eggshells, like he had to around James. He remembered what it was like to have friends that cared for him. A weight he didn’t know he had been carrying was lifted off of him.

Cheers from the crowd made the group whip their heads around to face the stage. Drowning Stones ran onstage and began stirring up noise. “Helllloooooo Phoenix! We are Drowning Stones and we’re ready to blow your minds!” The crowd cheered. 

“Oh my god!” Rita screamed, pulling on Memo’s and Sumo’s shirts with excitement. 

Jeff sat at the merch booth chair. “I’ll wait here guys, it’s the least I can do. Besides, it’s pretty fun.”

Before anyone could reply, the security guard returned. “Go ahead,” gesturing towards the stage with his chin. “I’ll make sure no one steals your shit.”

“Thanks, man,” Sumo shouted, and began dragging his friends to the audience.

They shuffled their way into the crowd, squeezed tight between people who were patting them on the back when they realized they were the opening band. Although Jeff was excited, he struggled to be in the crowd, everyone touching him, and tried to even his breathing to prevent a panic attack. Sumo noticed and grabbed his hand. It calmed him instantly, and he remembered what it was like to have someone look after him when things were difficult. Jeff looked up to see Sumo eyeing him carefully.  

“You okay?” Sumo yelled over all the noise. 

Jeff squeezed Sumo’s hand and nodded. “I’m good!” he shouted back.

Sumo smiled at him and turned his attention back to the stage, not letting go of Jeff’s hand. 

Jeff looked around at his friends. Rita was dancing, singing, pumping her fist in the air. Clarence danced with her, smiling ear to ear, having a great time. Memo shouted the lyrics along to each song, joining the mosh pit in the middle each time it started up. Sumo danced and air-drummed along with the band, handing Jeff off to Clarence whenever he wanted to mosh, but always returned to hold Jeff’s hand again. 

And although Jeff hated crowds, hated loudness, hated getting bumped into when the moshpit got crazy, it felt right. It was where he was supposed to be. For the first time in a long time, he could honestly say he was happy. Sumo looked down at Jeff, a dazzling, genuine smile directed towards him.

Yeah , Jeff thought to himself, I’m good now.