Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Let’s just say that winter and Dick were not friends. The slippery ground, the cold that made his limbs ache and his pain worse and the freaking snow that never seemed to stop and make life easier for him, all contributed to that conclusion. The last few days had been spent in bed with heating pads on his entire body.
Everything had been going pretty good for a change too. His body had been kinder to him, even after fall had come around. He had been able to walk short distances again and sleep through the night. It wasn’t too many weeks since Dick had walked the distance between the kitchen isle and the table without any aids at all. Of course the distance was short, and his body had been hating him for it the rest of the day, but he had felt so proud and achieved. He had been showing huge improvement in mobility throughout the last months, and it had given him hope. Hope that he hadn’t had in years. Hope that maybe this stupid condition wasn’t forever. That all disappeared last week when the last week of November rolled around. Roy and Jason had taken Wally and himself out to eat and watch the new horror movie. It was supposed to be a fun night. But it did not work out as planned.

The cold air was not a welcoming gift to Dick. The Pizza parlour had been warm and comfy, despite the freezing weather. But it didn’t help with the contrast to the outside when they were on their way to the cinema. Sure, it was only a short stroll between the two locations and normally that would have been fine even for Dick when he had his wheelchair. However the queue stretched all the way outside of the cinema, resulting in them having to wait outside in the extremely cold Gotham air. They all knew that this was less than ideal for Dick’s case. Sitting down limited the blood circulation and caused his body to stiffen faster, but standing up right now seemed like a worse idea.
Jason threw his jacket over Dick’s shoulders, to try and keep the warmth that was still there, trapped. He hadn’t been using it anyways, since he had gotten way too hot at the parlour.
When the line still hadn’t started moving after thirty minutes, it started to worry Dick a bit. It seemed like he wasn’t the only one that was worried either. Wally and Dick were having a conversation about Wally’s new love interest, meanwhile Jason and Roy were having a slightly more hushed conversation about Dick. Standing up was officially out of the question and the fact that no heat was in sight didn’t help the case. After their conversation faded, Dick started to notice how much his back actually hurt and how his arms protested very fast when he reached for the grips on his wheels.

“‘Jay?” Jason had his back turned to the two younger, still engulfed in some conversation with Roy. The two older had been together for two years now, and it was clear to everyone around that they still kept finding interest in each other every moment they spent together.

“Yeah?” His slightly older brother asked. He turned around with a smile but it fell when he met Dick’s eyes.

“I think I’m heading home” He said, trying to make it sound nonchalant. He could see the way Wally’s eyes widened in shock. He jumped to the opportunity before Jason could answer.

“Dude, come on. We’ve waited so long for this. And it’s probably our turn soon, and what if we can’t find time while it’s still on the big screen! Come on we can’t-“ Wally’s rambling stopped when Roy put a hand on his shoulder while he gave him a look to say ‘shut up’.
Dick felt his cheeks burn red with embarrassment and guilt. He didn’t want to be a buzzkill, and he had actually been looking forward to watching the movie. It had been a long time since the four of them had hung out together, like they used to when they were younger and freer from their schedules.

“I don’t think it’s very optional for Dick” Roy explained, still with a firm grip on the second youngest’s shoulder.

“Oh…? Ohhhhh” Wally said suddenly looking guilty. “Are you okay, dude?” Great now Wally was worried too.

“Yeah, I just need to get out of the cold” He might have downplayed it a little, but the only one of them who didn’t truly grasp his condition was Wally. That made it easier to downplay stuff in these types of situations.

“Okay… so no movie then?” Wally asked, which earned him smack to the back of his head. “Ouch”

“I’ll go and warm up the car- stop being such a kid idiot” Roy warned Wally before he started to walk towards the parking lot.
Dick went to release his breaks but the movement made him wince quite harshly in pain. Jason came up on his side and rubbed the top of his arms- trying to get some warmth back into his body, while Dick focused on breathing to keep the pain away.

“Is there something I can do?” Wally asked, probably feeling awkward… or guilty. God how he hated making people worry.

“Not really,” Jason answered for him. “We just have to wait it out” Dick really wasn’t a fan of making people wait for him. It was awkward and he felt like such a burden. “Can I just do it, Dick?” Jason asked him in a gentle voice. The one he used when he knew he needed to be the one to take responsibility.
Dick nodded as a reply. He didn’t truly trust his voice now, plus Jason knew exactly what he was doing, maybe even better than Dick at times.
Jason stopped rubbing his arms and bent forward to release his breaks. He felt how the wheelchair rolled slightly backwards, he must’ve been on a slight hill. Jason caught the handles before Dick could will himself to reach for his wheels though, a painful situation, successfully avoided. Dick felt how truly grateful he was to be on his way out of the cold. However it didn’t feel so great when he saw how bummed Wally looked. It made his stomach twist and turn in guilt. Wally was disappointed because of him.
They reached the car after a few minutes, and Jason again just did everything for Dick. When the brakes were locked Dick felt how not excited he was to move and transfer himself to the car.

“Do you want help?” Jason asked when he saw that Dick didn’t make a move. Dick groaned in his mind, hating the fact that he needed help after having had such a good period. But it was probably only due to the cold, right? Right?!

“Yeah” Dick let out in a sigh. Jason stepped forward and gave him a hand up. It was how they had been doing it lately, due to his improvement. But it seemed like that was not enough support because Dick collapsed against him and almost screamed in pain.

“Shit” Roy stepped in too at Jason’s outburst. With Roy’s help, Jason managed to get Dick into a bridal carry before lowering him into the car. This was very much not pleasant, although he didn’t feel like Jason was going to drop him or anything. Jason had built quite the frame after playing football for enough years, meanwhile Dick was on the verge of underweight. Dick’s face was twisted in pain. It had been months since he had felt this bad, and it didn’t help that he currently didn’t have an opportunity to lay down. Dick heard the others talk in the background, but everything was just muffled nonsense for him. The pain was burning everywhere, throbbing harshly in his entire body. He felt immovable, not only due to the pain but also to how stiff his entire body felt. God, how he hated the cold.
The car started moving but the pain still didn’t seem to die down. He really shouldn’t have tried to stand up.

“Can’t you give him pain meds or something” Wally asked from the backseat.

“We've been over this- It won’t do anything” Roy sounded slightly annoyed when he explained. Wally had a very hard time grasping what the word chronic meant, he always had.

“Not like ibuprofen, but what about like morphine or something?” Wally sounded afraid. In all honesty he probably was, Dick knew he showed it quite harshly on his face at the moment.

“Stop with the stupid questions. Does it look like any of us have morphine on us?” Roy answered. Roy and Wally were basically like siblings, having grown up on and off in the same household. Their whole group was adopted which had just made their bond even stronger throughout the years.

“Besides he has to be drugged into a coma if that stuff is going to work” Jason adds. Dick’s body didn’t show any signs of stopping. He let out a whimper and prayed to be in any other situation than he currently was.

He had eventually managed to get to bed with strong painkillers (that didn’t do much) and heating pads. And that was how his life had looked since that moment. His pain hadn’t really died down to the way it had been lately, which scared him a lot. This could very well be the start of yet another flare-up. Or it could always last for as long as the weather remained as cold as it was now.

The door to his room opened after a brief knock. He expected it to be Alfred since everyone else was either at school, daycare or work. But when the figure stepped into the room, Dick almost jumped. He probably would have if it wasn’t for the fact that his body was crappy at the moment.

“Dami?” He asked, slightly due to surprise and slightly due to the fact that he just might have been hallucinating it.

“Hello, Richard”

“What are you doing here? Don’t you have school”

“Father called. I arranged online-classes this week” Damian paused, seemingly considering whether to speak his mind or not. “Please try to at least use the proper grammar”

“Uh… sorry?” Dick said. He tried to remember the proper grammar in his pain-haze “But why did he call you?” Damian gestured to Dick before taking a seat in the chair opposite of his bed.

“He said you were having a flare-up. He also suggested that I took a visit”

“I’m not having a flare-up” Damian raised one brow while giving him a once over.

“Your body is suggesting otherwise”

“It’s the stupid cold. I’m fine”

“If you are “fine” then why are you lying unmoving up here? And why did Father feel the need to call me?”

“I don’t know Dami. Ask him. And I’m just having a bad week. I'll be fine in a few days” Damian still looked unconvinced.

“Well I would beg to differ. Pennyworth said that you only had been getting worse. Which I do find slightly concerning after you made such improvements”

“You don’t have to be concerned, I’m fine- see” He demonstrated by lifting his arm. Or more accurately: attempting to lift his arm. He winced and let out a slight whimper when it pulled on his shoulder, and the pain flared through his body again. It took a few seconds before the pain died down to the uncomfortable throbbing and Dick managed to open up his eyes. “Don’t… don’t even say it” Dick let out between breaths.

“I was not going to say anything, you successfully proved my point- all on your own” Dick gave him a look. The last thing he needed was Damian’s snarky comments. Damian seemed to have noticed and took a breath. “I am sorry. But-“ He took another breath, clearly struggling with whatever emotion he was about to show. “I am here because I believe you are in need of company that knows what you require”

“Thanks,” Dick said. He knew that it took a lot out of Damian to show any type of affection, so he really appreciated it the few times he did. “I- I might be starting another flare-up… I really, really hope I’m not though. But the only reason I’m not literally screaming is the Vicodin and heat-pads” Dick didn’t like to admit to these things. But it was easier with Damian, he understood without overreacting, which was exactly what Dick needed in moments like this.

He gave Dick another once over before saying: “It will end eventually, even if you are having a flare-up”

“End? I’m in constant pain, Damian. It never ends! Every time I get better, I just get so much worse!” Dick was panting now. Shouting probably wasn’t the best idea in his condition. He had tightened his body getting worked up. Dick closed his eyes while he tried to force the pain to die down again.

“Richard. Breathe” Damian hovered over him for a few moments before his hand made contact with Dick’s forehead. It was a welcoming touch from Dick’s part. It eventually helped him calm down and the spasms with him.

“O…ouch” He released in a sigh.

“Ouch? That was the best you managed to come with?” Damian said- another slightly snarky comment. They were usually not as annoying as Dick felt they were at the moment.

“Apparently”

“Richard, your body is not as broken as you suggest. The fact that you are able to walk at all is proof of that”

“Oh yeah. Sorry I forgot, it can always be worse so my life isn’t a total shitshow”

“That is not what I meant, Grayson. Your life is very much a “shitshow”, but the state you’re in now will not last forever. Your flare-ups always end at one point, you know this”

“I’m-“ he sucked in a breath when the pain suddenly blossomed. “-not in the business of praying for miracles”

“Go to sleep. I will sit here” Dick stared at his brother for a long minute, wondering why he gave up on their fight… he never did normally.

“Why?”

“Why am I going to sit here?” Damian asked with a brow raised.

“No. Why didn’t you continue arguing with me” Dick was honestly confused, it was usually way harder to get his brother to drop stuff.

“Because it is not what you need nor a topic I know best” Damian answered while he opened up his Mac that he must’ve brought into the room. “You are exhausted Richard. Go to sleep” Dick was content with that answer and decided to close his eyes. Maybe the kind, warm darkness finally could consume him.

Sleep was comforting and sleep was silent. Sadly sleep always ended too quickly every time. It barely felt like he had closed his eyes before he stirred again. His hips were screaming, so Dick didn’t get the privilege of a slow awakening nor the possibility to go back into the welcoming darkness. He groaned out loud, wanting to scream when he felt the pain spread throughout his entire body. He opened his eyes to try and find his phone. The room was dark, the only light shining in was the dim moonlight. His phone was on the nightstand but reaching for it felt like the most impossible task ever. God, how he hated winter.

’Okay, I need to get someone‘. Dick thought desperately. Damian had been there… right? Even if he had, he wasn’t there now. He knew e couldn’t move without wanting to die, which only left shouting.

“Dad” And his voice didn’t cooperate. Great. That only left his phone, which was severely less than optional. At the same time- he didn’t know how much more of this pain he could take without painkillers or a sedative. He didn’t even have warm heating pads at the moment.
When he finally stopped procrastinating it and reached for his phone, he let out an audible scream. His back spasmed and started throbbing painfully all through every inch of his body. It felt like he couldn’t breathe, the air not quite reaching or filling his lungs. The pain was overwhelming and massive and just everywhere.
His door opened and in burst both Jason and Damian.

“Dick?” Jason sounded distressed, probably because Dick was crying and screaming. However Dick couldn’t make himself care at the moment because everything just hurt.

“Do something!” Jason shouted, probably at Damian. Next thing Dick knew he felt a pinch in his upper arm, and then the welcoming darkness.

Chapter Text

Christmas was a slightly sore topic in the Wayne household. Two orphans, each with their own trauma and dislike towards the holiday, really made for that conclusion. Dick was generally a pretty happy person, although he would always be haunted by his illness. Jason was generally a pretty sarcastic person but definitely happy deep down, but he too would always be haunted by his trauma and past. Due to this, the holidays would always be worse for everyone involved, no matter how stupid that was. Take last Christmas as an example: it was a mess. Dick had a massive flare-up and had ended up at the hospital, doped up on pain meds. Jason had just been sad, for some reason. Not that he actually let anyone see, but most of the household could tell. At last he had talked about it with Alfred, who swiftly suggested therapy for the remainder of the time he felt like that.

This Christmas was not looking much better. Dick’s fear had come true, and he had ended up having a pretty bad flare-up in November. Although the worst was over now, he still felt the extra ache in his body remain. His muscles felt like jello with needles in them, and his bones just wouldn’t stop aching. On top of all of that, his usual throbbing was being an overly annoying bitch. But at least he was better than last week, and better than the week before that. He would take it, no matter how small the improvement was.
He was sprawled out on the couch at the moment. It was a part of the Wayne-family Christmas tradition; Christmas movie marathon. Jason laid equally sprawled out on the floor, right in front of Dick. Tim had fallen asleep in his arms, so Jason refused to move. Damian, who had returned from Boston the previous day, was seated in an armchair to the right of the couch. Meanwhile Bruce was seated in the armchair to the left. Although he answered more work emails than he actually watched the movie.

“Demon, stop hollering the popcorn” Jason said after he had tried to reach for it. He only got a glare in return from the oldest. A glare which Jason returned.

“There is another bowl on the table. You can reach your dirty hands into that, instead” Damian answered when Jason gave him the “puppy look”.

“But I’ll wake Tim” Damian opted to ignore him, and returned his focus to the TV. Dick didn’t catch much more of the bantering, because his body started showing its hate for him quite suddenly. He took a deep breath through his mouth, trying to regain focus on anything but the pain. It didn’t help at all, and before he knew it his whole back was throbbing in sync to his heartbeat. He pressed his eyes shut and tried his hardest to not lose focus on his breathing. There was suddenly a cold sensation on his forehead, and he opened his eyes only to meet his father’s kind ones. A cold cloth was being held gently against his forehead, which Dick was grateful for. He looked around and saw that the movie was paused and that the focus had shifted to him.

“Could you get some heating pads?” Bruce asked somebody. Dick couldn’t really tell because the need to squeeze his eyes shut in pain was too overwhelming. Bruce brushed his fingers through Dick’s hair. It helped to get Dick focusing on something else, but it did very little for the actual pain.

“‘is not stopping” Dick gasped out when his hips started to protest just as much as his back. Bruce said something but for Dick it all just sounded like muffled, cotton stuffed words. A heating pad was placed on his back and turned on, but the other got held off. Dick opened his eyes to see his brother hesitating with the second one.

“I am not turning around”

“I gathered that much,” Jason said, quippy. “I’ll just place it on your hip for now” Dick tried to nod, but that started a whole other system of pain in his neck and arms. It hurt a lot, but at least he was better than last week… right? It was currently only three days until their house would be filled with friends and family to celebrate christmas eve, and Dick did not feel like being in this state when that time came.

“It’s okay Dick, take your time” Bruce said when Dick made a frustrated sound.

“I’ll rip out my spine if this doesn’t stop soon” Dick said frustrated when the pain only picked up.

“Pretty sure that, that would hurt more”

“I’m not” Dick quipped back, although the pain seemed to start calming down. “I am so over this now” Dick said and let out a long sigh, when the tension in his neck released.

“I think I can imagine that” Bruce said back, still brushing his fingers through Dick’s thick hair.

“Petition to move to a warmer country?” Jason tried to joke. It helped the mood slightly, although Dick was pretty stuck and in pain for almost ten more minutes.

——
The twenty fourth came faster than Dick expected and he had not been improving as fast as he had hoped. It was no more than an hour until the first holiday guests would arrive, and he was in bed wishing to be anywhere but. Tim was sitting next to him on Jason’s lap watching some kid’s show on his ipad, while Jason was far busier worrying about Dick.

“Seriously, quit it.” Dick said, when he yet again felt Jason’s eyes burn into his skull.

“We should cancel”

“Cancel Christmas? Yeah that would go over well” Jason looked a little hurt, Christmas was a very hard time for him and the sarcasm that usually fell just in place with Jason, wasn’t very appreciated. “Sorry” Dick said, rubbing a hand over his eyes.

“Don’t be…” Jason looked away before adjusting Tim slightly. “It just doesn’t feel right”

“Christmas?” Jason nodded.

“It just sucks, that everything can’t be perfect, just for one simple day out of the year. Like even just for an hour. The world hates us” Jason said before throwing himself back against the headboard. Dick flinched from the pain of being jostled. “Shit, sorry” Dick waved him off, too busy trying to mind-control the pain away.
Tim was frowning up at Jason with his brows furrowed tightly together. “Yeah, I know I said a bad word” Tim looked pleased at that “apology” and refocused his attention back to the ipad.

“I’m not exactly thrilled either, you know” Jason nodded sympathetically.

“As I said, it would be better if we just canceled-”

“And ruin everyone's fun, no thank you” Dick did not feel like carrying more guilt over the burden he was on his friends and family than he already did. Thank you very much. Jason sighed, giving in to the defeat.

“Well then you better put on a smile or some shit, ‘cuz they will not leave your bedside if you continue looking like a car ran you over” Jason said nudging him slightly. It hurt. But then again so did everything at the moment.

“Fuck off” That made Jason smirk grow larger along with Tim’s eyes. Jason put his hands over Tim’s ears and mouthed “not in front of the child”. That made Dick give in to the smirk too, although he was still very not pleased with the situation.
“Can you?” Dick asked while he braced his arms on the bed.

“Yeah, hold on” Jason lifted Tim off of him and went over to Dick’s side of the bed to assist. Dick was sure Jason looked very not pleased with him, but he avoided looking at his brother’s face for just that reason. Dick got into a sitting position against the headboard, and how much he regretted it when his back made itself known again. “It’s a very bad idea, Dickhead”

“Mhmm” Dick took a few deep breaths before moving his legs over to the edge. Jason took over and helped him transfer to the wheelchair. It all went very swiftly but the pain was so bad when Dick was situated that it felt like he was going to puke.

“Take your time, just breathe and all that” Jason said when Dick hunched over. He rubbed soothing circles on his back, and after what felt like an eternity Dick was able to sit up straight again. “Yeah, sure- this will work out just fine. No one will notice at all” Jason said, voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Just please… I can’t deal with this right now, okay?” Dick said while he gestured towards himself. Jason looked at him with an expression between anger and worry. “I’m exhausted, okay? I am so freaking tired and I can’t turn it off- ever. So just please, help me get through these three days” Jason looked even more torn at that. Tim was looking at them too- he did that a lot.

“Okay” Jason said, meeting his eyes. “But if I’m ‘gonna help you put up the act for everyone, you’re going to be goddamn straight with me- got it?” Jason said with all his scary-big-brother privilege. Dick just nodded, too tired to actually trust his voice. “‘Imma need to hear you say it” Dick huffed before he met his brother’s eyes again.

“Yeah, fine. I promise I’ll tell you when I crash- but then you have to cover” Jason nodded, and that solidified the so-called “operation: save christmas”.

Oliver, Dinah and Roy were the first to show up at the door- perfectly on time as always. Oliver and Dinah had adopted Roy when he still was a street-kid who snatched purses for a living. However, Roy always compared them to older siblings instead of parents.
They were greeted by Alfred at the door and shown to the living room. Jason was the first to notice the newcomers and saluted in a greeting.

“Hey” Roy said when he got close enough to kiss Jason. It was still rare for them to be open about it after having hid it for so long. Although Dick was very happy for them the few times they did show it.

“Hey” Jason said when Roy pulled back. Damian rolled his eyes and acted as if he was grossed out, but Dick saw the smile in his eyes.

“‘Sup little man?” Roy said while he put a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey, I’m taller than you” Roy scoffed and smirked.

“Yeah, sure you are” He ruffled Dick’s hair, which was very uncool by the way. He really knew how to annoy Dick, no matter how friendly it was. It wasn’t like he was that much older anyway. But it was a long running joke in their “family”-Apparently Dick would always be the baby even if he was just a year younger than Jason.

“Whatever” The pain was bad that moment, it almost seemed like it was deteriorating. But Dick put on his best smile, even if it did very little around his family of self proclaimed detectives. Roy took a seat next to Jason where he shared what one could only call a worried look with Jason. Dick could tell that Roy knew, he didn’t even need to have a full conversation with him before he knew. Dick really needed to work on his smile if he wanted it to pass with the adults. Roy shifted his conflicted eyes over to Dick, who wanted to do anything but meet those eyes.

“We’re just going to ignore it?” Roy asked, when the adults (plus Damian) had engulfed in some conversation between themselves.

“No idea what you’re talking about” Jason answered which earned him another glare.

“Dick. You’re paler than a ghost, and you’re shaking” Jason now looked over at him too. Dick saw the worry in their eyes, hidden behind the scrutiny. But it was present and it was burning him up from the inside out.
“Operation save christmas is officially put on ice. You need to lie down” Jason said when they made eye contact, which for some reason made Dick feel betrayed.

“Stop hovering. Both of you. Can’t you just for one second believe that after having lived with this for eleven years, that I know when I need to lie the fu-...!” Dick stopped to catch his breath, suddenly extremely aware of everyone's eyes on him and the pain spreading through his body. It hurt so badly. Everything was throbbing and his vision was going white from the unbearable sensation. Jason was in front of him in a matter of seconds, Damian was right behind. They caught him before he even knew he was going out, which in hindsight was appreciated.

“-ck”

“-ruce... -elp”

“-ick?”

“-hum?

“Dick… hear…?”

“Dick, can you hear me?” Dick opened his eyes slowly, the entire world spun each time he blinked. Bruce was in front of him. ‘that was new’. “Shhhh. Don’t try to move, just stay down” His reflexes must’ve kicked in because he tried to move, which was the last thing he wanted to do at the moment. He felt sick, whether it was from the pain or from the fainting was unclear. The sudden sensation of being on the floor hit him too. ‘He was on the couch a second ago’.

“What?” It hurt to speak. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to just exist. It all was just a big cloud of pain. Was he crying? It felt like he was crying.

“Buddy, you fainted- okay? You’re on the floor. We’re right here” Dad?...Bruce. He met the man’s eyes, feeling shivers running through his body. A blanket was thrown over him seconds later. Dick looked up from his father and around the room to see his whole family watching him. Jason was seated right beside him and rubbed circles on his back. Damian was above him, apparently his head was in his older brother’s lap. Wally and Uncle Barry were there too. Dick couldn’t recall them being there before. Dinah was on her way out of the room with a crying Tim. ‘oh no. he probably scared Tim. Stupid, stupid, stup-’

“Dick? Don’t worry about them, focus on me” Bruce looked worried, they all did. “Are you still feeling dizzy?” Dick didn’t really know. He knew that he felt sick, and that the familiar pain was everywhere… but dizziness was harder.

“‘Don’t know” Dick said softly. He still felt like he could pass out again if he moved too much.

“That’s okay” Dick suddenly realized that Bruce was holding his hand and checking the pulse. “Is the pain so bad that you need a hospital?” Bruce asked calmly. He had gone into full dad-mode. It was weird considering that he had been angry with Dick just a few minutes ago. Over something stupid too, that Dick couldn’t for the life of him recall.

“...no. ‘Don’t want to go to the hospital” That would ruin Christmas for everyone. They would all just worry even more. Sure, he couldn’t tell up from down at the moment but it wasn’t like that was a new sensation.

“Father. Dick is not in a position where he should make that decision” Damian said from above him.

“You called me Dick” Dick stated matter-of-factly. He wished he could see Damian’s face.

“What?” Damian asked uncharacteristically confused.

“You never call me Dick” Damian ‘humphed’ before he started to run a hand through Dick’s hair. “‘i’s weird” Damian just continued to work his fingers through Dick’s thick locks.

“This has happened before, Damian. So I think Dick can decide that for himself right now, as long as he doesn’t get worse” Bruce said while he gave Dick a small and comforting smile. It had happened before, a few times over the years. Leslie had told them that it wasn’t uncommon for patients that suffered from chronic pain to experience fainting episodes during flare-ups. It didn’t make it any less scary though.

“I ruined christmas” It slipped out, he didn’t mean to say it out loud. Jason quickly shook his head, before anyone else could process.

“Don’t even go there” Jason said. He had stopped rubbing circles on Dick’s back, and his expression had shifted into something dark.

“Oh, chum,” Bruce said before cradling his cheek with a warm hand. “You haven’t ruined anything” Dick didn’t believe him. He saw them all standing there, worrying. It was ruined, because now all anyone was going to think for the rest of the holiday was “Is Dick okay?”, “Dick is probably in too much pain for that”, “We shouldn’t stay up late-”. The room suddenly started spinning again, and the sick feeling returned too fast.

“Richard?” Damian sounded concerned, it was very off-putting. His brother rarely showed any emotion besides anger.

“‘m fine” He wasn’t. It felt like he was going to faint again or puke, or just disappear into thin air. Alfred was there too now, handing something to Bruce. His forehead was suddenly cold, and he saw that Bruce held a cold cloth to it.

“Dick, are you with us?” His father asked when he closed his eyes.

“Yeah… dizzy” The room was spinning, and his body was shivering. The pain blossomed and it felt like the start of yet another flare-up, which wasn’t right because he was still very much in one already.

“Do you think you’re going to faint again?” Bruce asked while he caught some of the water drops from the cloth.

“...no” He answered about the same time as bile rose in his throat. “sick” Bruce acted fast and moved Dick out of Damian’s lap and over into recovery position. He didn’t end up puking, but dry heaving wasn’t pleasant either. Dick almost wished he could puke so the overbearing sick feeling could stop. The pain was so bad that he felt like screaming. At the same time, he wasn’t sure he could get any words out. It was bad, but it wasn’t the worst he had been. It hurt, but it wasn’t unbearable. That was different from the worst point during the flare-ups. The pain was unbearable then. He would scream, and not be able to breathe and wish for death. Now it was just regular pain. The pain that made him want to scream, but not actually do it. The chronic pain that had become “normality” throughout all these years.

He calmed down after a while, his stomach did too. It was still unpleasant and painful, but it calmed down to the aching joints and throbbing pain. Bruce carried him to his room a little while after, with the help of Uncle Oliver. It was better once he was situated in his own room with his legs elevated and a heating pad on his hips. He had taken some more painkillers too, not that they did a lot, but still. He could stop pretending, because the cat was already out of the bag. He wasn’t okay, and that was okay.
Wally, Jason and Roy joined him in his room after dinner. They ended up watching a stupid christmas movie that none of them liked, but still watched every year. It was good. It was still painful, and he had to take breaks from the conversations to focus on his breathing, but it was bearable. And that was really a Christmas miracle in itself.