Archive of Our Own ^beta

It was a bleak and dreary day in Teufort.

OR WAS IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today was actually a very important and special day for the mercenaries, all of them held giddy grins pulled taught across their lips (Except for Pyro, but it wasn't like anyone would know either way). Bruno Mars and Tom Jones were collabbing and playing over the speakers because Miss Pauling convinced the big scary Administrator Lady to play it. Helen refused to say she liked the music, but her feet tapped against the ground to the rhythm in rebellion. Everyone donned personalized party hats crafted expertly by spy and scout, except for spy and scout's party hats, which were made by Miss Pauling. Scout's party hat had Kevin the minion on it, and Spy's had a rainbow unicorn on it. Sniper's was Elmo, and Demoman's was a dog-themed hat. Soldier's had a big green dinosaur on it. Heavy had cookie monster AND Elmo on it because that was cool. The Medic had a spongebob hat. Pyro's was hello kitty! how cool was that! Zhanna had a giant blue dinosaur and Pauling had a purple dinosaur on it. Everybody kept talking about how everyone's party hats were so cool! Did I mention Scout's mom was there? She had a nice blue hat with a pony on it! Scout and Spy were sitting in front of a table in the rec room, the other mercenaries sitting on couches or chairs while they waited for something interesting to happen. In front of Scout and Spy was a Birthday cake that had the words "Congrations!" on it written in gel icing, along with three wrapped up boxes. One small, two medium. Spy was less than pleased at the shitty cursive in bright red, but Scout appreciated it and was told to keep his hands away from the cake or else. In the meantime, Engineer grabbed a lighter and 1 candle and put it on the cake. It had the letter R, for REHAB. He lit the wick and stepped back, before scout and spy both made a wish and blew out the candle. Everybody who was dating kissed so Sniper ran up to scout and said "CONGRATS !!!!!!!!!!!!" and grabbed him by the neck and swung him around 5 times before kissing him. Scouts mom came up to spy and kissed her on the lips and smiled and patted them on the back. Spy blushed and grinned and looked away all giddy. Medic, Demo, Soldier, Heavy, Zhanna and Pauling all had a kissing party and it was delightful. Afterwards, Spy and Scout started to unwrap their presents. The first ones they opened were the two medium sized presents. They were from everybody!!1! Scout got a big spoon and spy got a big fork. "Aye, I picked those out!!" Said Demo, with the ^_^ face. Spy and Scout ran over to him and gave them a biiiiiig hug before rushing over to open the tiny present up. Actually it was pretty average. Inside was TWELVE!!! Blunts, perfectly rolled. Every merc and zhanna and pauling and scouts mom was handed a blunt before they all started smoking and hotboxing the base. Everyone was BAKED and it was AWESOME. Demo brought light alcohol for everyone (like jack daniels or smt) and handed out cans, grinning. " I love you guys, you know.. " Scout said tiredly, his eyes half-lidded. The others all murmured in agreement, soldier going on a rant with Medic about how much the team meant to him. Soldier and medic were both curled up against heavy, with Pauling leaning against Medic while the german doctor played with her long hair, and Zhanna half-cradled soldier in her arms. Demo was on the floor, because he didnt really like physical affection unless he was really in the mood for it, and that was okay. Then, tom jones and bruno mars appeared. "WHAT THE BLOODY HELL ARE YEW LOT DOIN?!" Tom jones yelled, causing everyone to sit up and scream! "SMOKIN MARY JANE ON GODS GREEN EARF... CANT BELIEVE IT." Heavy looked up and raised an eyebrow. "God made the green to be smoked, though?" and Tom Jones ONE MAN PUNCHED HIM! AND HEAVY DIED! Medic was PISSED and grabbed tom jones and stabbed him brutally and pulled out his intestines. Tom Jones screamed in agony and scout was super angry because Medic just killed Tom Jones. Scout grabbed medic and snapped his neck but not before he was stabbed, he kept fighting tooth and nail though. Demo leapt up and murdered scout and then spy, only to be stabbed in the back by zhanna. Miss pauling growed and ran up to zhanna and then was punched, so she ran to get help!!! Pyro burnt zhanna to death but then burnt engineer to death by accdient! Soon miss pauling was back and killed pyro but then DIED from blood loss. The worst Rehab Party EVER.