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Chapter Text

Severus was the perfect husband. He remembered every anniversary or important event better than her, he took care of the house chores and child caring, even though he was working one of the most demanding and hard jobs, he supported her and was almost always nice to her, even when she was before her period and was rather bitchy.

A couple of days ago at the office Lily had a talk with her friends about sexually satisfying their husbands and how annoying it was to be open to their needs. She couldn’t relate at all. She never said “no” in bed to her husband. Her friends thought that it was because she was afraid he is going to leave her, but it wasn’t it. Lily just couldn’t look into his dark, good eyes and reject him.

After four years of sleeping together Severus knew all about Lily’s moods, about the things she liked and things she didn’t like. He could look at her and sense if she wants to have sex. He noticed she never said no to him, but he also knew that sometimes she was having the orgasms of her life and sometimes she laid in bed rather bored with him on top and barely moaned. He always felt weird after having bad sex with her, but she was still nice and tender towards him when they laid in bed together, so he didn’t feel he hurt her.

And in fact, Lily liked their sex even when she couldn’t really come. It was still nice to be hugged by him, listen to his heavy breathing and feeling his scent. He was just a really good lover. And a good partner. He made sure she was well rested, that she ate well and she was comfortable.

Lily found it sweet that he always spoils her after she had sex with him. He gifted her with some little jewelry or clothes or some treats or flowers. She knew it was maybe pretentious or weird that he felt the need to reward her for letting him fuck her. However, she knew he didn’t have any bad intentions in doing it. He was just grateful and gifts were his love language. He was happy he was able to afford to spoil his wonderful wife.

Maybe the reason why Lily was also happy and open to have sex with him was because she was touch starved.

He still had so many issues with his body and intimacy. It was sometimes better, sometimes worse, but she didn’t see any improvement. The most she saw his naked body was when sometimes he changed or took off his sweater and his shirt rolled under. Sometimes she also got a chance to see his dick, but it was rare. Most of the time he didn’t want to undress and he only liked to be touched on his face and hair, and he occasionally liked when she scratched his back through his shirt (a couple of times he let her touch his back under the shirt to scratch it, but it was only after he was in a really good mood without any depressive episodes in the last weeks).

She was able to get the most intimacy from him when they were having sex. She also fantasized about his body a lot because of the fact that he was hiding from her so much. She imagined him naked under in the shower, jerking off, wet, hot. Sometimes she had fantasies about him using force with her. He never did that, probably because he was afraid of hurting her or feeling like a predator, but she really wanted him one day to just playfully fight with her and dominate her. She also had a lot of fantasies about touching him publicly. He hated it. He never took her hand when they were seen publicly. He probably wanted to have more respect and authority and didn’t want his image of a dark, mysterious and powerful man be crushed by his wife touching him like a teenage girl in love.

Lily opened her eyes precisely on 8:00. She didn’t have her alarm on, because it was Saturday, but she still woke up on the same hour every day. It was a habit for her. She was cold, because it was early January and there was a lot of snow outside, so she moved under her blankets to warm herself up.

“Good morning,” she heard her husband’s low raspy voice.

“Mmm” she muttered in response.

Severus still was waking up at 5:00 or earlier. He didn’t know how to change it. It was out of his control. Lily ordered him to just lay in bed with her until she waked up and rest, but he never did it. He would die out of boredom. He just sat at his office and worked until like 7:30, then he came back to the bed and he pretended he laid with her.

“How did my little creature slept tonight?” he asked with care.

“Is Harry all right?” she asked back, making sure the boy sleeps.

“I checked on him,” he comforted her.

“Thank you. It was good, just cold,” she groaned and yawned.

“I can make it warmer if you want. I can turn on the heat,” he offered.

“Then it’s going to be hard to breath, I hate when it’s stuffy,” she said.

He laughed, because he had dirty mind. Or maybe he just wanted her and anything she said sounded ambiguously.

“You like when it’s warm, you like when it’s hard to breath and you like when it’s stuffy,” he whispered into her ear and she shivered.

“Insinuations,” she responded and waited for his first move.

He got closer and started caressing her body under the covers. She exhaled and felt relieved. It was so pleasurable to feel his warm and big hands on her.

“Sev, what if Harry wakes up?” she said.

He casted a spell to make the room soundproof and to lock the doors.

“He is going to sit on his bed and play with his toys, don’t worry,” he said and cupped her breasts.

She moaned, because her nipples were hard from the cold and she was really sensitive there. His mouth watered from hearing her sighs. He grabbed her body and started grinding his dick against her ass while massaging her clit and pressing her close to him. Her body became more and more relaxed and obedient in his hands.

“Oh, please, don’t stop,” she gasped desperately and put her hand on his.

Lily was ready to sacrifice every ounce of her dignity for the pleasure she had from being fingered by him. It was so nice to be hugged by him and feel his warmth on her back. She clenched her fingers on his forearm and cried from pleasure while orgasming hard and uncontrollably. She moaned from the sensation and sighed.

Her husband was a gentleman, she always came first.

She turned back and kissed him hard on his lips, pulling him on top of her. He took off her silky nightgown and started kissing her neck greedily. She played with his hair (she knew he was comfortable with that kind of touch, sometimes when she tried to slip her hands under his shirt he fucked her while keeping her hands above her head, it was not nice) and waited for him to take out his dick from his trousers and start fucking her.

“Do you want it?” he whispered in her ear.

“I beg you,” she said and pushed her hips towards him to prove her eagerness.

It was always such a relief for both of them when he put it in her for the first seconds. Lily felt satisfying pressure on her walls stretching for him, and Severus felt so good inside her warm and completely wet cunt.

She was always impressed with how long he was able to last while fucking her. Lily enjoyed every moment of it. She closed her eyes and started fantasizing about him. She had this image in her head of jerking him off under the table during some official Ministry diner. She licked her lips slowly and she listened in his groans and heavy breathing. She had an obsession with his dick. It was big, smooth and so fucking perfect. She hated the fact that he almost never let her touch it with her hand. She had this urge to touch his crotch so often. She loved it when he wore trousers that were tight enough to show the outline of his cock.

Severus sometimes peeked inside her mind while fucking her to just make sure that she isn’t thinking about someone else but him, and as always, he was nicely surprised that she fantasized about him again. He smirked and grabbed her breast to knead it. It was a good feeling to feel wanted by someone, but it was an amazing feeling to be wanted by Lily. He still couldn’t process the fact that she was so into him.

“Such a nice girl,” he said and kissed her behind the ear.

She shivered and laughed.

“Are you satisfied with me?” she asked, knowing he searched through her mind.

“You are so perverted and seem so innocent,” he muttered under her breath.

“Someone has to be,” she responded and tightened her pussy on him.

He kissed her lips and focused on fucking her hard and fast. He came after a couple of long and precise thrusts and laid on her for some time. She stroked his hair while he tried to calm his breath. She loved those weekends with lazy mornings.

He came off her and fixed his clothes to cover him properly. He always wore black soft pants from some rich and thick material with long sleeved shirt and cotton jumper. Lily loved this domestic and cozy Severus more than she liked him in his normal formal attire.

Lily reached on the bedtable and grabbed her cigarettes. At the beginning she hated that Severus smoked, but after some time with him and after working in the Ministry she started smoking herself, because everybody was doing it. Every week he gave her the potion to minimize the negative effects, so she didn’t worry about her health. She lit a skinny menthol cigarette and relaxed.

Severus watched her amazed. He loved looking at her when she was smoking. It was so erotic. He felt warmth spilling inside him. He wasn’t finished. He leaned towards her and started kissing her breasts.

“Sev, fuck,” she gasped and exhaled smoke.

He always did it. He wasn’t able to finish until she was screaming and in pain from all the sensations. He went lower and lower with his mouth and Lily knew what was he trying to do. She rested her head on the pillow and closed her eyes. She snapped her fingers to turn on her radio. She loved listening to music while he licked her. She finished the cigarette and tossed the butt on the ashtray.

“I know you want it, you are just afraid to ask,” he said.

Lily laughed.

“Yes, I’m so shy,” she said and gasped when he licked her.

She run her fingers into his hair and started scratching his scalp just how he liked while pressing his mouth more and more towards her clit. His tongue was unreal. Lily didn’t even like oral sex before she had it with him. She joked that it was because he was the first Slytherin that she fucked.

“God, bloody fucking hell,” she muttered under her breath and threw her hips up to get more pleasure from his mouth.

He grabbed her thighs hard because she was moving too much and started fucking her hard with his tongue. At first it was nice and pleasurable, but after some time her clit was so sensitive she thought it’s going to explode. He counted her orgasms meticulously and pushed her harder and harder for another one and another one, until she was almost sobbing and her voice was hoarse.

“Get the fuck off me, God, I’m not going to uh again-” she gasped and pulled his head away. His lips were plumped and his eyes were bright. He loved doing it so much.

He let her go, wiped his mouth and laid down next to her feeling fulfilled. He grabbed his cigarettes and started smoking while Lily clung to him with her naked body. He wrapped her in blankets to keep her warm and she listened to his heartbeat. She took a quick nap because being fucked like this was tiring. She woke up hearing her sons weak cries.

“Harry,” she said to Severus.

He could swear she had some other sense when it came to her son. He couldn’t hear a thing, but he stood up and went to his room, and it turned out she was right. Harry was sitting on his bed and sobbing. When he noticed Severus approaching him, he stretched out his hands for him.

“Mom,” was the one thing that he said and the man understood.

Lily changed into a long cotton dress and was waiting for the boy in their bed.

“Who woke up?” she said and smiled and the boy almost jumped out of Severus’ hands towards her.

She wasn’t a perfect mother. Severus would never tell her that, but he thought that she should spend more time with her son and pay more attention to him. But it was fair, she warned him that she didn’t want her life to revolve around her kid. She wanted to be more free, meet her friends and do fun things. Meanwhile kids are demanding, sometimes boring and they are hard work. He took this hard work on himself.

That’s why sometimes he felt like he was the “bad” parent: keeping Harry disciplined, feeding him, teaching him rules. All those things were so frustrating to Lily that after doing them she was angry and exhausted. So she rarely did them and she spent time with Harry playing, reading stories and running around the house.

The truth was: Lily wasn’t really that mature. She could jump and joke with the kid, while Severus was standing somewhere observing. That’s why Harry loved Lily more. She was the “fun” parent. He associated her with playing and fun and warmth and giggles, while Severus was making sure he ate and wasn’t cold.

Lily hugged the boy and wiped his tears.

“Another bad dream? Huh?” she asked and kissed his forehead.

The boy nodded.

“You were afraid because you were locked in the room and you didn’t hear mommy or daddy?” she asked again and hugged him.

“Yes,” the boy said and felt relaxed. His mother was warm and soft and she smelled like soap and lavender.

Severus loved to just stand observe them. She was so emotionally gentle and responsive to her son. He always imagined that she talks to him like that and that she is as tender and careful with his feeling as she is with Harry’s. He wasn’t jealous. He just wanted to relieve his childhood again with her love and care. Maybe one day he will be able to open up to her completely without the fear that she will think of him as weak.

Lily and Harry both decided they are hungry so the three of them went to the kitchen to eat. Their house elf, Dobby, was a gift from Malfoys. He was sitting on the table and reading a cookbook.

“Good morning,” Lily said and sat Harry on his special seat.

Severus ordered the elf to make them eggs and bacon and he opened his newspaper. Lily did the same with her Muggle newspapers she had to read for work. When they started eating Severus sat next to Harry to feed him.

“I want to go to the zoo today!” the boy said.

“We can’t, we have to go the event, Harry. And then we will take your mother shopping because she needs a new bracelet,” Severus said and smiled to Lily.

Lily smiled back and Harry frowned hard at her. She noticed it so she laughed and sticked out her tongue to mess with him. Before Severus had a chance to intervene, Harry spitted his scrambled eggs on the floor.

“What the fuck, Lily!” Severus stood up angry at her behavior.

She was so immature.

Poor Dobby was cleaning the floor, while Harry screamed:

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!”

Lily rolled her eyes.

“Ohh what a perfect parent, teaching a kid how to swear! We have to clean his fucking memory again!” she said accusingly.

“It’s your son, Lily, have some-“ he started.

“Don’t use this fact against me! You are on his birth certificate too!” she snapped.

Severus made a confused face to her. She was able to twist everything.

“Okay, enough,” he said in his authoritative, cold and despotic voice. Harry stopped swearing, Lily stopped screaming and Dobby stopped cleaning.

He wiped Harry’s memory of the last 5 minutes and kissed Lily hard.

“Let’s not argue, okay?” he said.

Severus had this obsession with not fighting in front of their son. She thought it was stupid, because she wanted Harry to have a realistic view of relationships, but she also knew that her husband had a lot of traumatic memories with his parents arguing, so she gave up on the case.

“Okay,” she said and smiled.

Severus sat and went back to feeding Harry.

Lily was really grateful that he took care of the kid. She really wasn’t ready to live with a toddler. They divided the duties for the ones that required discipline and authority and those that required warmth and playfulness. For some reason Severus was never too physical with the kid. He never hugged Harry spontaneously or kissed him. She wasn’t mad at him for it, she just wandered, if it was because Harry was biologically James’ son, or was it because Severus just had issues with touching in general. She never asked. James was a tabu topic between them. They still had no idea when or how tell Harry about his biological father. They never spoke his name in front of their son.

Right now they had other things in mind. Today was a big day at the Ministry: Voldemort celebrated the birthday of his great great great grandfather Salazar Slytherin. His Death Eaters with families were required to attend. Every Wizard and Witch was expected to be there. For Harry it was the first time he is going to be making a public appearance.

Lily always dressed in Slytherin colors publicly. She even changed her hair color to be more dark and less ginger. She wanted to appear as in line with the new establishment as possible so Severus didn’t have any problems. She was also deathly afraid of Voldemort. She didn’t quite understand the relationship her husband had with the Dark Lord. She was happy they were still in his favor.

When it came to dressing Harry she opted for black warm clothes to make him look like Severus. She suspected they should change his face to look more similar to Severus, but honestly, she didn’t think anyone is going to pay much attention to the kid today.

The ceremony was held in the fields near the Hogwarts castle. When Severus teleported them there, they headed straight to the stage where there were seats for them. Lily kissed Narcissa on the cheek and they sat together chatting. The day was beautiful, sunny, but really cold. Lily felt waves of nostalgia while seeing her school again. She smiled to her husband with love.

“See, Harry! You are going to go here to study soon,” Severus said and pointed to the castle. It was covered in snow and beautiful.

Lucius picked Draco up and also showed him the building.

“Want to go to school with Harry?” he smiled to his son and then to his best friend.

“I can’t wait for their first year together!” Narcissa said.

“Me too. Although I don’t know how will I be able to not see my son for so long,” Lily sighed.

“Oh, Lily. They are going to have fun. Remember your first year? It’s so nice to relive this experience with our kids,” Cissy smiled.

The ceremony was about to start. There were more and more people at the Hogwarts grounds. Lily felt some kind of excitement. When Voldemort approached, she bowed down and was afraid to even look at him. She knew something was off with his health. He was changed. She couldn’t explain it, but he looked more and more like his pet snake, Nagini, that he carried everywhere with him. When she saw him for the first time he was charismatic and handsome, now he was just weird and rather scary. But she never discussed it with her husband.

She looked at the people from the stage. She froze. Maybe it was her paranoia, but she could swear to god, she saw James Potter and Sirius Black. She frowned and hugged her son close.

“Sev, honey, I think… I…” she said with shaking voice.

“What is it, my love?” he asked.

“I saw James and Sirius,” she said anxiously.

“Where?” his face changed and Lily was afraid of him for a second. He really hated James and Sirius with passion.

She pointed in the audience. He squinted his eyes and saw them too. His heart started beating faster. Harry turned around and showed his face to the people in the audience and both Lily and Severus saw James Potter taking his wand out of his cape.

“Sectumsempra!” Severus shouted and pointed his wand at James, hiding Voldemort with his body.

James made a quick dodge and the curse hit some civilian. The blood splashed everywhere and people started panicking.

The Death Eaters started all casting curses in the directions of two men. The ceremony became a huge mess. Lily hugged Harry and hid with Narcissa. Suddenly they heard a big explosion and the big Salazar Slytherin statue that Voldemort put at the front of Hogwarts was destroyed. Lily quickly decided to teleport with Narcissa and their kids to the Malfoys’ manor.

Being a mother was a funny experience, because Lily wasn’t afraid for her life even a bit. She was only worried about Harry. She hoped that Harry didn’t see the blood and wasn’t scared by the explosion. She wanted to cry and scream and do something, but she knew that it would make Harry afraid, so she was calm. She noticed Narcissa did the same thing. She noticed how she rocked back and forth while hugging little Draco close to her chest. She was just as frightened as Lily was.

Boys were in shock, but they were rather okay. They asked about their fathers. Lily and Narcissa looked at each other scared, but they reassured their sons that everything is going to be okay. They sat together in the room with a fireplace and house elves brought them hot chocolate with pastry.

Lily and Narcissa were too traumatized to eat, but the boys loved the treats and started eating and playing together with Draco’s toys. Lily rested her head on Narcissa’s shoulder and sighed. The older woman hugged her.

They understood each other without words.

Chapter Text

Severus was sleeping. He had to focus on his rest. He was wounded, he lost a lot of blood and his body was working hard to repair the tissues that were ripped. With a lot of help of magical healing potions, but still – he needed to rest.

“I AM HIS WIFE!” was what woke him up. Lily was screaming angrily at the nurse.

He could be dead and hear her scream like that and wake up.

“Miss Prince, he explicitly said he doesn’t want you in there, you cannot threat us-“ the calm woman tried to stop her.

“I have a RIGHT to be there! I don’t believe he would say those things! As his fucking WIFE I’m entitled to see him!” she spitted.

“I’m going to call the security-“ the woman started, but Lily was quicker.

She casted a spell and the door to his room opened. He heard her tickling high heeled boots on the hospital floor.

Severus clenched his teeth, because he was in pain. He really didn’t want her to be here. She appeared in his room and gasped. He knew she is going to be dramatic.

“Lily…” he wanted to say to her to give him some peace and rest, but it was all he was able to say.

She heard him say her name with a weak voice. It was full of pain. Her heart felt like it was about to break in half and kill her.

She sobbed and went closer to him. His ribs were bandaged and bloody. He was pale. She frowned. It was the first time she saw his hands and arms. It was hard to notice in this weak light, so she touched him and felt a lot of scars on his forearm. They were thick and sticking out of his skin. They were old, very old.

He opened his eyes and saw her looking at him in horror. He felt anger and disappointment. He wanted to show her his body in much different circumstances. Not when he was this weak, pathetic and vulnerable. Somehow her touch on his scars made them hurt. They were old, but sometimes he felt this kind of imaginary, neurotic pain in them. He really hated when someone touched them.

She noticed he is awake and looking at her. She never saw him in a state like that. It looked as if he was about to die.

“Sev, oh…” she sobbed and sat on his bed crying.

He pursed his lips. He wasn’t able to speak or do anything without feeling intense pain in his whole body.

Lily grabbed his face in her hands and started panting hysterically. It was agony for her to see him suffer like that.

“Get out,” he said through his clenched teeth.

She frowned and shook her head.

“I’m not going to leave you here alone, Sev,” she said and looked him in the eyes.

“Please…” he whispered.

She ignored him and kissed him on the lips. They were dry and coarse. She didn’t mind. She knew he is ashamed of his weakness, but it didn’t matter for her. When Lucius went back to the manor and told her Severus is in the hospital and he is in a bad state, she immediately decided to go here. The fear of losing him was too much to bear. She will not leave him even for a million dollars.

She looked into his eyes again. He had tears in them and she didn’t know why he was crying. She stroked his soft hair with love.

Severus was in fact moved by her care and affection. He thought she is going to be disgusted by the blood, his wound and his ugliness. He wanted to breath hard to calm himself, but he couldn’t. He had a hole in his ribs and it hurt like a motherfucker.

He knew he will never wash himself from the shame of being this weak and pathetic in her eyes. It will haunt him forever. But right now it was actually nice. He remembered all those times when he was wounded in the war. He laid in bed for days, alone, in pain. Right now he was in a luxurious clinic for the closest Voldemort’s ring and he had his wife crying because she cared for him so much.

Lily took his hand in hers. She brought it to her face and closed her eyes. It was so nice to feel his warmth. She was desperate. She tried to hide her despair in front of Harry, because she didn’t want him to be afraid. But honestly… The thought of losing her husband was crushing. It wasn’t only because Lily loved Severus truly. She did. With all of her heart. He was the best husband and man on earth. He treated her better than a princess.

If he had died, what would happen with her and her son? Would she be able to stay in the Wizarding society, keep the house, her job and her life? She knew Narcissa would try and do everything in her power to help her, but honestly… Lily was sure that Voldemort would not hesitate to kill her and take Harry away to make him his little Death Eater, if it wasn’t for Severus. Basically, her life would be crushed.

She felt hot tears running on her face and she wept quietly. Her beautiful, perfect life and her happy family was a step away from being destroyed. She was overwhelmed with fear. She felt her heart beating fast and she couldn’t calm herself down. She rested her head on Severus’s shoulder and started crying and panting.

“What is it?” she heard his voice.

It was low, raspy, full of pain, he spoke through clenched teeth, he was tensed and suffering. But she heard so much love and care in his words that it sounded more like a consolation.

“No, nothing…” she wept and tried to calm herself down, but it was pointless, “I just love you, I’m so afraid that I’m going to lose you, I don’t want you to die.”

He closed his eyes trying not to cry. He knew she loved him. She got used to him, she was grateful that he was helping her, she liked his company. But now she sounded as if her world would end if he died. He would never dreamed of being loved like that. Especially by her.

“I’m not going to die,” he said and squinted hard, because talking was too hard.

“I know, but you… You have a wound. And you were in a fight. I don’t want you to fight again,” she said and caressed his hair.

He nodded. He didn’t want to fight either, he wanted to kill James Potter and Sirius Black.

“I know you don’t want me to stay here, that I’m a burden… But I cannot go home, I cannot sit there and be away from you, I have to be here and watch you,” she said and he noticed she is more and more calm.

“Harry?” he asked, almost whispered.

“He is okay, he is with Draco and his nanny. They are asleep. Narcissa promised that she is going to take care of him. Don’t worry,” he said and kissed his arm.

It was muscular and surprisingly smooth. Completely different from the skin on his hands and face, where he was rather rough. She loved his body so much. It was so strong and so powerful. It managed to keep him alive through so many terrible things. Lily noticed their little conversation made her almost completely calm. He is going to get better.

She was sitting on a chair and resting her head on his shoulder, hoping she is not causing him more pain. She heard his quiet, steady breaths. She didn’t notice when she fell asleep.

When she woke up it was early morning and the nurse was shaking her gently.

“Huh?” she asked.

“Miss, you have to get up. We have to change his bandages and clean the wound,” the nurse said. Thankfully it was the other one, not the one Lily assaulted at night. She is going to send that one flowers for sure to apologize.

“Can I help?” she asked and got up.

“No,” they heard Severus voice.

“I want to. I was a good healer,” Lily said to the nurse ignoring her husband’s words.

“Get her out of here,” he muttered to the nurse.

He was feeling better, although he didn’t want Lily to see the wound or hear his screams. It would be insufferable. He had his dignity and his pride. His wife is not going to see him in that state.

“I gave birth to his son, I am his wife, I can stay and help,” she said trying to contain her anger at him.

The nurse was standing there awkwardly not able to decide what to do. Or rather how to communicate to Lily that she will have to go.

“Mister Prince, if I understand correctly, you don’t want your wife in the room while I will change the bandages?” she said and looked at him.

“I don’t want her here. I will not let you touch me as long as she is here,” he said and squinted in pain, “This is an order of a Death Eater. I want her out of the clinic,” he said not even looking at Lily.

Lily exhaled angry and looked at him completely mad.

“Fucking asshole,” she muttered and went out of the room slamming the door shut.

Severus closed his eyes and frowned, trying to calm himself down. Lily was impulsive, dramatic and hotheaded, he loved it usually, but it wasn’t a proper reaction right now. He spent the night dealing with immense pain. He couldn’t fall asleep anymore. He just wanted to have the bandage change over. It was torture. Pure torture. He passed out from the pain the last time they did it. The curse that was casted made his whole chest feel like it was in fire. The hole was burning with pain. And it was nasty. The wound was festered, it smelled awful and it was a bloody mess.

Lily was in tears while leaving the building. Cold air hit her in the face. She just wanted to help him. She knew it was his stupid pride that didn’t let him appear weak in front of her. It was completely unfair. He was with her when she was giving birth, he could have let her help with his wound.

Suddenly she stopped. She heard scream. It wasn’t Severus’ voice, it was diabolical, animalistic screech. But she knew it was him. She couldn’t breath again. She almost fell on the snowy ground, but she managed to grab a tree. She felt as if the whole world was falling on her. Pure fear made her heart beat faster and faster.

She teleported with the last remaining strength she had to her house. She went inside and laid down on her bed. She should have picked up Harry, but she couldn’t. She wasn’t able to. It was better for her son to not see her in that state.

Lily hugged the pillow that her husband was always sleeping on. It smelled so much like Severus. She started crying like crazy. She felt as if her head was about to explode and her lungs are about to collapse. She didn’t know it was possible to feel this kind of pain. Her soul was ripping inside her. She didn’t know what fear and suffering was before that night.

She knew she had some kind of panic attack or nervous breakdown. She didn’t know how to make it stop. She thought about the self-harm cuts on Severus’ arm. Before tonight she didn’t know mental pain this great it was worse than physical pain. She somehow understood why he would hurt himself. She didn’t want to do it right now, she wasn’t like that, she wasn’t a masochist. But she would exchange her sadness and fear for any kind of pain that wasn’t in her soul.

Lily cried in bed for hours. She regretted calling Severus an asshole. She would not be able to bear hearing him scream like that and seeing him in so much pain. He was right. He wanted to protect her. The love she felt for him made the pain worse.

After she didn’t have any more tears in her eyes, she decided to smoke. It was a good way to calm down. She noticed her jacket was stained with his blood. He must have leaked through the bandages. She took it off and looked at it with weird sentiment. It had his body and his life soaked inside.

She lit a cigarette and sighed. She unconsciously started thinking about how almost exactly 24 hours before they were making love in this bed. The stress she had been through didn’t let her be aroused even a bit, but she felt sad that Severus always casted a cleaning spell after coming inside her. She knew he was disgusted with his own sperm and he wasn’t able to lick her while she was covered with it, but still, she wanted to have something from him inside her.

She exhaled the smoke and rested her head on the bedframe. She had this deep and utter regret that Harry wasn’t Severus’ son. She would give up so much to stop living a lie. She knew her husband wasn’t bitter about the fact that he is not the biological father, but still. It would be easier and better if Harry was his. And not James’. Lily frowned. What if James was the one who casted the curse that made her husband almost dead and in so much pain. She knew she couldn’t blame the Order for fighting. But… She also knew that James wanted to kill Severus. He told her a lot about it when they were together. He said that he wants to get revenge for the slur Severus said by the lake. And for the pain he caused her. But she knew it was also something different. James was jealous of Severus. That’s why he left him alone after he got Lily. And now… If James noticed that little Harry looks like him and he saw that Severus is raising his son with the woman they both fought over… Then maybe it was not a surprise that Severus was wounded and Lucius wasn’t.

Why it had to always be so fucked up and awful. Why she couldn’t just be happy, like normally happy, like Malfoys. She knew why: she and Severus were just inferior. They weren’t from the same world as them. They were rather poor, raised in Muggle families, they didn’t have any connections. Anything they had in life they had to fought to get and they could lose at any moment. The higher they were, the lower they could fall. She didn’t hate Malfoys for being better situated then them. It wasn’t fair, as Narcissa and Lucius were always so nice for them. But still, that was the truth. Lily and Severus were unfortunate, they were outcasts.

Lily just didn’t want their poor son to suffer because of it. She wanted Harry to live a happy life. She hoped he will be able to forgive her and Severus for hiding his real father from him for his own good. She was very hopeful about the fact that Harry was Draco’s friend. It was a good connection to have in life.

She smoked and rested for some time and decided to come back to the hospital. There was a big snowstorm and Lily was afraid to even stick out her nose outside, but she had to see Severus again. She came to his room covered in little snowflakes. He was sitting on his bed. He looked at her and didn’t say anything. She knew he was tired.

“I’m sorry,” she said and came closer to him.

“It’s okay. I’m happy you came back,” he said and looked outside the window so she wasn’t able to see his tears.

It was only bearable because he knew Lily needs him and loves him.

“Are you feeling any better?” she asked and sat down.

“Yes,” he said.

She nodded. He might be lying, but anyways. He was at least able to sit. And his bandages were not bloody. She took his hand and started stroking it gently.

“You cannot spend the night here again, Lily,” he said.

“Why not?” she asked him. She will not be able to sleep without him.

“Because Harry needs you. I want you to go to him and spend some time with him, pretend that everything is good,” he said.

“And it isn’t good?” she asked.

Severus was silent. He didn’t know what he can say to her. The wound was deep and poisoned. He will live. But he will suffer a lot.

“I will be okay. I just don’t want you to worry,” he said.

“I will worry. A lot. I love you and I… I don’t want you to suffer,” she said and her voice broke.

“Don’t cry. It’s okay. I’m okay. It’s better,” he said and tried to smile, but he couldn’t.

Lily sighed. Her pain was not the most important thing right now.

“Can I help you somehow? Is there anything I could do for you?” she asked.

He thought about something for a moment.

“I want to smoke. But the nurses won’t let me,” he said.

Lily hesitated. On the other hand, if he asked, then he knew what he was doing. She lit one of her cigarettes and brought it to his lips. He took it from her and smoked. He was visibly relieved.

“Thank you,” he whispered.

Lily smiled to him and threw what was left of the cigarette to the trash.

“How is Harry?” he said.

“I don’t know, I was at home,” she said.

He frowned hard.

“Lily. You cannot neglect him like that,” he said.

“I was… Not feeling well,” she said and looked down.

“I’m not trying to lecture you on how to be a mother-“ he said.

“No, I get it. It’s just… I feel weird. We are going to talk about it when you get out of the clinic,” she said.

“I trust you. I believe you know what is better for him,” he said.

She nodded. For sure it was better for him to not see his mother’s hysteria attack.

“Can I kiss you?” Lily asked him.

“Why?” Severus asked back.

Lily squinted her eyes a little.

“Why not?” she asked.

“Because talking a lot and kissing makes me breath more and it makes bandages more bloody. I don’t want to change them more often,” he said embarrassed.

Lily raised her eyebrows and looked at his chest. Red dots were already peeking through the bandages.

“Oh, god… Oh my god… I’m sorry, I didn’t know… Fuck, just... Don’t talk. Don’t talk, Sev. Just rest,” she said and got up feeling guilty.

He grabbed her hand and squeezed it. He wanted her to know that he loves her truly.

Lily swallowed her tears and went outside. She hoped that Severus will be home soon. It was a nightmare to be at home without him.

She picked up Harry from the Malfoy’s. He seemed okay, but he missed her a lot. They ate the dinner (Dobby made pizza, it was only a little bit burnt out at the edges). The elf played with Harry a little bit. Lily had some time to take a bath and do some preparations for tomorrow.

They went to sleep early, because Lily was tired. She let Harry sleep in her bed with her. She needed someone to hug to fall asleep. Little boy fell asleep so fast. He was the cutest little kitten when he was sleeping. Lily was so grateful that she had her son with her. He was a beautiful boy.

When the clock ticked 6:00, Severus was already at home. He laid on the edge of the bed trying not to wake them up. His wound was almost cured. Magical potions were effective for the most part, but the pain was not easing. It was hard to bear, but he will be able to live with it. The healer told him that it will get better with time, but the chronic pain will probably stay with him for the rest of his life.

He looked at Lily hugging Harry close to her. It was the most beautiful thing he ever saw. So much care, tenderness and gentleness in them. He rested for some time next to them and then went to his room to change his bandages. He put some piece of material in his mouth to silence his screams and carefully unwrapped his chest. Then he put some healing potion on the wound. Touching it made it so painful he felt nauseous. 

He left the clinic because he was not able to be there, when his wife and son were unarmed and vulnerable. He feared for them. If James knew that Harry is his son, he will do anything in his power to kidnap the boy. And Severus will not let him. Never.

Chapter Text

Severus finished dressing the wound. He exhaled and leaned on the chair he was sitting on. He always had high pain tolerance, but this wound was more than humanly bearable. That motherfucker, James Potter, must have been really working on some new battle spells. To be fair, Severus had a lot of masochistic tendencies. It was probably caused by his childhood trauma. But it was other thing to self-harm or bear the emotional pain, and it was completely different thing to live with a burnt out hole inside his body that was made by his mortal enemy.

He knew that he will never find peace as long as James Potter is alive. The moment Severus looked into his eyes, he saw Lily and Potter together. Smiling, kissing, being happy. He witnessed it a lot when they were at Hogwarts. Now Lily was his wife. She was his and his only. Subconsciously, Severus wanted James dead to never worry again about the possibility of Lily changing her mind and choosing Potter. He knew Potter was her first love. What if… She saw him and felt something other than fear.

Severus’ mind was flooded with intrusive thoughts. James knew how Lily’s skin tastes, he knew which one of her breasts is bigger, he knew that she laughs when her stomach is touched. He was her first. And she had a baby with him. Harry called Severus his father, but the truth was, little boy looked more and more like James with every month. He knew that Lily felt guilt for living a lie and lying to Harry. Yes, James had to be killed. So Lily will have no other option but raise her son with him. He knew it was selfish and bad. His goal was never to be ethical. His goal was to have Lily. Own her. And make her find happiness in being his.

Those years of being the Head of Department of Mysteries and the Voldemort’s favorite made him changed. He gained self-confidence. He dared to want and desire more. He convinced himself that he deserved more. Especially, since he knew he was a perfect husband and a really good father. He just deserved Lily’s love and loyalty.

He took a cigarette from his pocket and lit it. Even if she decided to leave him (which would be very stupid of her), he still had enough power and influence to take her back. He knew a lot about the Order. He knew Dumbledore well enough to know that he will not care about the life and happiness of Lily, if it meant sacrificing his precious Order. He will give her to Severus without any problems like he did the last time.

Maybe it wasn’t logical to think about the possibility of Lily abandoning him, since she proved her love and loyalty to him yesterday. Severus shook those compulsive thoughts out of his head. He was in a happy, perfect and loving marriage.

He finished smoking and went to his office to do some paperwork before his wife wakes up. Around 9:00 he noticed someone tries to open his door, but can’t press the handle well enough. Severus smiled and opened the door carefully. There he was. Little boy in his pajamas. Staring at him with his mouth opened.

“What’s up, buddy?” Severus asked and picked the boy up.

Little Harry looked at his father and clenched his hands on the strands of his hair.

“I don’t want to sleep,” the boy said.

“Do you want to play here? Or eat, maybe?” he asked.

“Mhm. Play,” Harry answered.

Severus placed him on the warm carpet he had laid down on the center of his office. Then he brought Harry some toys to keep him occupied. After some time Harry came to him and demanded food, so he took him to the kitchen and made him cereal. It was even better that Harry is going to eat now. That meant he and Lily will get to eat breakfast in peace.

Harry ate and Severus decided to read him some educational stories. He had high hopes for Harry to be gifted intellectually like his mother. Or rather not be dumb like his biological father. They went through all the names for magical creatures and then read about the herbs and other magical flora. Harry was too young to be educated in a formal sense, but Severus still tried to expand his knowledge as much as he could.

Suddenly both Harry and Severus flinched. They heard desperate cry.

Severus called Dobby to take care of Harry and run to Lily’s room. She was surprised to see him. She sat on the bed, crying and panting hysterically. Her husband sat next to her and grabbed her shoulders trying to understand what is going on.

“Harry… Harry…” she stuttered not able to tell him anything more.

She broke into more and more cries.

“Harry is here, Lily. He just ate. Calm down,” Severus said.

“I want to see him,” she sobbed.

“You can’t see him in that state,” he said in a definitive tone.

She was hyperventilating. And hysterical. She looked as if she saw a ghost.

“Breath, Lily. What happened?” he asked and looked into her eyes.

She broke into more and more cries not able to say a word.

He embraced her gently and started rocking her body back and forth. He whispered some calming spells. She had to stop crying or she will pass out.

“So, what happened?” he asked her after she calmed down and only sobbed quietly into his shirt.

“I.. I had a dream. They took Harry from me. Can I see him?” she asked Severus desperately.

 “Who did it?” Severus asked and pressed her body harder to his.

“James and Sirius. They came for him. Harry!” she called her son loudly.

Dobby brought her son on his hands. He was really strong for his little posture.

“Mommy!” little boy shouted and run to her.

Lily got up and hugged him with love. She laid down in bed with her son. She was almost completely calm.

“Why are you crying, mom?” the boy asked.

“I had a bad dream. Don’t worry,” she whispered and kissed his little head.

“With dragons and monsters?” he asked.

“Yes. But you appeared with your father and killed them,” she said and laughed through the tears.

“My father is a good knight. He killed those bad people,” Harry shouted and pretended to cast a curse with his imaginary wand.

Lily laughed again and kissed his forehead.

Severus took Harry from her. Lily needed to rest.

“Your mother is tired, buddy. Go and play with Dobby,” he said and the elf took him out of the room.

Lily looked at them and sighed. The door closed. Severus casted a spell so Harry will not be able to hear them. They had a lot to talk about. And Lily was not in a good mental state. He turned back and saw Lily laying in bed apathetic and with a stare so empty she looked as if she was dead. Her eyes were red and her cheeks were flushed and her hair was a mess. He suddenly felt a rush of lust. His mouth watered as if she was a piece of cake to be eaten. He wanted to fuck her so good she will not be able to even think about Potter and worry about her son.

“Why are you doubting my ability to keep my family safe?” he asked her, standing above her.

Lily bit her bottom lip and looked at him. He sounded so harsh. It wasn’t about his power, she just was afraid. She just had a bad dream.

“I… Sev, I’m just afraid. I was here alone and when I woke up there was no Harry,” she said.

“You know that I will not let anyone do bad things to you and your son. You are under my protection. There is no need to be afraid,” he replied.

“But you were in a hospital. You were wounded and sick and…” she said.

“I am here now. So don’t worry,” he said.

“It’s not that easy to not worry, when I’m alone. And hopeless. And you are weak and in pain,” she said and her eyes watered.

Severus squinted and frowned at her.

“Never call me weak,” he cut her off.

Lily sighed. She was afraid of him for a moment.

“Sev, let’s face the truth, you are not immortal. You have to take care of yourself and not risk your life. I need you, I will kill myself if you die,” she said.

He sat on the bed next to her and pursed his lips.

“And you think your old lover boy is powerful enough to kill me and take your son from us?” he said sharply.

“Don’t be angry at me, please,” she said and her voice broke.

“You question my power. You think your pathetic Potter is enough to overcome me,” he said.

“He is not my Potter. Sev, what happened to you?” she asked and sat on the bed.

He looked at her for a moment trying to find cracks in her mind to read her thoughts. He wanted to find every feeling she had for James.

“Nothing. I want you to trust me. There is no need to panic. I have everything under my control,” he said and stroked her hair gently. He didn’t find anything that could make him worry in her head.

She closed her eyes and exhaled slowly. His touch always made her heart melt.

“Why are you out of the hospital so soon, honey? What did the healer said?” she asked him and took his big and harsh hand in hers.

“Nothing interesting,” he responded.

“But are you okay?” she asked and placed her hand where his wound was. He hissed from the pain.

“I am okay,” he said.

“You are in pain,” she said worrying about him, “Can I see your hospital discharge?”

“No,” he responded and frowned.

“I need to know if there is everything okay with you, Sev. I worry about you,” she said.

“You annoy me,” he said trying to not lose his patience, “I said I’m okay. You have to trust my words. If that’s not enough, we have a problem.”

Lily got up and sat astride his lap, taking his face into her hands.

“You are not used to being cared for, hm?” she asked him.

He didn’t respond. He hated that she had the advantage of having high emotional intelligence. She knew how to make his heart weak.

She smiled a little and stroked his hair.

“You would like me to put a healing leaf on your wound and kiss it? Like when we were kids, remember? Would it make it better? Would the pain go away?” she asked softly and scratched his scalp just like he liked.

“No,” he responded sharply.

Lily knew how he was when he was struggling mentally. He was just not able to talk about his suffering and his emotions. He always became defensive.

“Honey, just let it go. I’m not seeing you as weak. You are a strong and mighty man,” she said and placed her hand on his biceps. It was big and tensed.

He put his hands on her waist. If he was going to open up he wanted something in return.

“Don’t be angry at me when I’m trying to take care of you. You like it when I’m tender and gentle with you? I know you do. I’m just so in love with you, honey. I’m afraid something bad happens and we will be separated. Because I’m so dependent on you. My life would be nothing without you,” she comforted him.

“Don’t be afraid. Trust me,” he said.

“It’s out of my control. I’m just an irrational woman. I need to be close to my strong and powerful husband to feel secure,” she whispered into his ear and moved on his lap, “like that, huh? Now I feel really safe and good and protected. You can’t blame me for being frightened when I don’t have you by my side. You know how much I hate sleeping alone.”

“You weren’t alone. You have to be strong for your son,” he said, although the only thing he could think about was his bulge pressed against her thigh.

Lily really didn’t like when he was angry. And there was only one thing that she could direct his anger into. And to tame his pride.

“Well, you cannot be mad at me for simply wanting to take care of you and worry about you,” she said, griding her body against his dick, “I know you are delicate and soft on the inside, just like me. You want to be taken care of, right? You want me to give you my motherly warmth.”

“What if I do?” he asked her, breathing hard.

“Then it doesn’t make you weak for wanting your wife to be a little bit overprotective and take care of you,” she said.

“What if I feel a little bit emasculated by you acting like that? Like I’m powerless and needy? When I’m the one who is supposed to take care of you?” he responded and stroked her back.

“Who said you are supposed to take care of me and I can’t do the same for you?” she asked playfully.

“I said that. You are supposed to receive. And be grateful for what I’m giving you,” he said and kissed her neck.

“Hmm, interesting concept,” she said.

She knew he needed to prove to himself that he is strong and masculine after the hospital and all of the traumatic things that happened. She was happy to help him with it.

“Let me demonstrate to you,” he said and threw her on the bed.

Lily gasped and looked at him with love. He almost ripped her dress from her body.

To be honest, she didn’t feel like fucking. She still wasn’t feeling okay after her panic attack. But she never told him no, so she wasn’t about to do it now. Especially since she knew how much he needed her. She just wanted him to feel okay and normal and be her good husband again.

He kissed her with greed. He could sense that she wasn’t that much aroused. But it wasn’t a problem, he can change that. He can make her want him. He went lower and lower with his kisses. Her pussy wasn’t even wet, which was disappointing. He started licking her.

She moaned quietly and put her fingers in his hair. She opened her legs and tried to think about something dirty, she tried to fantasize about him, but all she could think of was the fact that she was so afraid that she is going to lose him. She couldn’t get the images of him laying in bed, suffering. She frowned a little bit and tensed. So much depended on him.

“Fuck, can you at least try and be into it?” he asked and got up frustrated.

He had been fucking her with his tongue for something like ten minutes and she barely even moaned. Normally she would be orgasming at least twice.

“Sorry,” she said and leaned to kiss him, “I’m really into it, it’s really nice, honey.”

She felt her anxiety rising. She wasn’t good at pretending being satisfied. She knew she just couldn’t relax enough to come. But there was no way of telling him that and not hurt his feelings.

“You are so good, Sev” she pulled him to lay on top of her, “I want you so bad, please.”

She knew that when he was aroused he couldn’t resist her. She just wanted him to finish. She wanted him to stop being so mad at her for stupid dumb things like the fact that she wanted to take care for him.

He pursed his lips feeling humiliated. He should have stopped all of this, he knew this isn’t going into a proper direction, but he couldn’t stop it when he was thinking with his dick. He thought about her warmth and wetness and the things she was whispering to him.

He put it inside and groaned with relief. He started fucking her rhythmically and she responded with quiet moans every time he thrusted and hit her cervix. It was so terrible. So forced. He could feel as if he was imposing himself on her if she didn’t make her little pathetic and forced moans and praises about how she allegedly wants him. Well, maybe she did, but she for sure wasn’t going to climax. He just wasn’t enough for her to be aroused. He was no longer attractive for her. Nice. Very fucking nice.

The wound in his chest started burning so he focused on the pain and stopped his thoughts from coming. He bit her neck to silence his moans and orgasmed inside her shortly after.

Lily stopped moaning and hugged him close to her. She gave him a kiss on his head and stroked his hair. She needed his warmth and his gentleness so much right now.

But as soon as he calmed down enough to get up, he pulled his dick out, feeling her empty and hollow, then put it back into his pants and left her on the bed, naked and red from his kisses and touch. She closed her eyes and exhaled slowly.

He came to the window and lit a cigarette to calm himself down. He wanted to go get a shower to wash himself from the shame he felt. That was the worst sex they ever had.

“I’m sorry,” Lily whispered and covered herself with blanket. She was on the verge of crying.

“Is it hard to tell me you don’t feel like it?” he said slowly.

Now he was really angry.

“I felt like it. I wanted it. I just couldn’t orgasm, it happens…” she responded with shaking voice.

“Not without a reason,” he said with irony.

She honestly didn’t know what to say. She was digging her own grave. She just wanted him to feel good and not be angry at her.

“Is it the most important thing in a relationship? Of course no,” she said.

“So you agree that you weren’t into it enough,” he said more disappointed than mad.

“God, fucking god, yes! I agree! But I enjoyed it regardless!” she shouted and broke into tears.

It was a nightmare. For them both unfortunately. He felt guilty for making her cry. He knew that she had a hard day and harder night. And she woke up with a panic attack. But it wasn’t fair to pretend to be into him and then be completely not into him once they started making love. He knew she wanted well. She wanted to make him wanted and loved. However, she got the exact opposite effect.

Severus sighed and sat down on the bed. He tossed his smoke on the ashtray. He looked at her, covered in blankets and crying her eyes into the pillow. He clenched his teeth. The truth was, yes, he wanted it and he thought he can make her be aroused. He put his needs first and he got what he deserved. It wasn’t her fault.

“Lily, love, don’t cry,” he said with tenderness.

She noticed he isn’t angry at her no more. But it was so hard to calm down.

“I hurt you,” she sobbed not even able to look at him.

“You hurt my fragile male ego. I should have taken care of you when you had a bad dream. And not act like a conceited asshole. I’m sorry. You have a reason to be disturbed after what happened. I will do anything in my power to keep you safe,” he said and stroked her naked back.

She breathed deep. His calm and gentle voice and touch were enough to calm her down. She looked at him with gratitude. It wasn’t bearable to have him be angry at her when she was trying her best to deal with her situation.

“I’m really sorry. I find you attractive, I’m just worried and couldn’t relax,” she said.

He looked at her not showing any emotions. He didn’t believe her. She magically wasn’t into him once she saw him weak and pathetic in hospital. It was self-explanatory. She could lie to herself but she couldn’t lie to him. She is not going to want him before he proves to her that he is a real man.

She took his hand in hers and clenched her fingers on his palm. He was the man of her dreams. So understanding and forgiving. She smiled to him through her tears.

“You know, I’m just stressed. I wanted to be touched and caressed by you. I need you to hug me, honey,” she said and pulled him closer to her.

He sighed. They were married, they had to just communicate better. He cannot hold grudges against her. He hugged her tight.

“Lily, all I want from you is honesty. It’s normal to not wanting to have sex every time I want it. But you… Pulled me close, and told me you are into it, you begged me to do it,” he said and Lily heard his pain in his voice.

“I didn’t lie. I really like when we do it. I’m always into it,” she said.

It was the truth. She had a lot of pleasure from being close to him. But she knew that it will never be enough, if she is not able to come. He always prioritized her pleasure and her orgasms. He is going to notice that something is changed. Lily knew that as long as she feels not safe she will not be able to relax enough. She remembered how it was during the war. She had gone for a year without orgasming, because she couldn’t just shake away her fear. James of course didn’t mind, he wasn’t a good lover. It was different with Severus. He was obsessed with having a perfect sex life. He is going to know something isn’t right.  

She got up and got dressed. Severus looked at her. She was neurotic and sad. He could sense it. Poor, delicate flower girl. She put on her long, cotton dress that she wore normally at home. She laid on him and placed her hand on his chest.

“I’m so afraid. I can’t stop thinking about your health. Promise me this wound is not infected. I’m so frightened that it’s going to cause your death,” she said and pursed her lips.

“It’s not infected. It hurts sometimes. I have to heal it, maybe one day it will heal completely. Don’t think about it anymore,” he said and stroked her auburn hair.

“Lucius said you are going to receive a medal from the Voldemort,” she said and smiled.

“I don’t care about their medals, Lily. I care about you,” he said and embraced her.

She laughed.

“Should I give you a medal?” she asked and started playing with his hair.

“No. You should love me,” he ordered her and pressed her body to his.

Chapter Text

The Ministry of Magic didn’t change much since Voldemort did his coup. It was rather comforting to the Wizarding society. It was terrifying for Lily – at first. It turned out that more than seventy five percent of Wizards and Witches are blood supremacists who supported Voldemort in one way or another. But now, after a couple of years of working here, she didn’t even give it a thought.

She adjusted her skirt, because it kept going up, feeling the gaze of her husband on her. He already sat down and started his work day. They always teleported together into his office, it was more convenient. She looked at her in the mirror. She still had some signs of tiredness on her face. She had trouble sleeping since the events at the Slytherin celebration.

Severus got two medals for his sacrifice for Voldemort and his bravery in fighting Potter and Sirius. It wasn’t enough to make it up for Lily. No amount of medals is going to heal his wound. No amount of honors and awards is going to make her less afraid for his life. She turned and came closer to him and kissed his wrinkled forehead. He was thinking about something intensively.

“Did you like it?” she asked, pointing to the gift basket with cookies, coffee and sweets she brought him as a ‘get well soon’ present from her coworkers to her husband.

“Mhm,” he answered not listening to her.

Lily smiled. Her little workaholic.

She left his office and went to her part of the building. She passed the Mystery Department with its creepy dark walls and doors and moved to her cozy and little office. She shared it with her two friends: Julia and Klara. They were all half-bloods and they were responsible for contacts with the Muggle government. Julia was officially their boss, but they managed the work together.

Lily was happy. She had friends. She did work she believed in: she wanted to keep the Muggles safe. And she actually liked writing letters and meeting people from the government. It made her feel important. She greeted her coworkers and looked at her desk. It was covered with papers of all sorts. She made herself some coffee and sat down on her comfy chair with pillows and a little blanket. She took off her high heels that she was in no way required to wear. She just did it, because she was actually a grown up woman with a nine to five job and she felt like she has to wear pencil skirts, jackets, buttoned ups and heels. And she knew Severus liked it.

“How is Severus feeling?” Klara asked and bit on the apple she had for breakfast.

“Uhm, I think better. It’s hard to say. He is grumpy as always,” she laughed and shrugged her shoulders.

“Oh! Severus, grumpy? Where, how, when?” Julia joked and Lily sent her a look with a smile.

She really liked that her friends were so close with her. It always made work more interesting when they were able to just gossip around. All the low tier workers knew each other quite well. Lily liked the fact that her Department was actually the most chill one. She had time to just hang out with people, some of them she knew back from Hogwarts. She didn’t face any discrimination, her status as Vice-Minister wife was enough to have anyone’s respect. At first, they were rather reserved when talking or spending time with her. They were afraid she is going to rat them out. But it was quite the opposite, she tried to use her husband’s position to help her friends when they did a fuck-up.

So yeah, someone might say she was quite popular amongst the workers in the Muggle matters related offices. She decided to brew herself some more coffee, so she went out to the office kitchen. She found a cake someone left there to share there. She smiled and cut a piece for her friends and went back. When she came, Julia and Klara were standing upright and they looked awkward.

Lily got a little bit angry. She turned and saw Severus next to her desk. She put the cake and her coffee on the table and pretended to not notice him. She took a piece of paper in her hand and started writing. Her friends sat down.

“A piece of cake is not lunch,” Severus said.

“Mhm,” she said not looking at him.

“Come eat with me,” he offered.

“Can’t. I’m busy,” she said, “next time send an owl, if you want something,” she added.

“You don’t respond to my owls,” he said slowly.

Lily hated this thick and awkward atmosphere. She laughed.

“Of course, that means something, no answer is an answer,” she said and looked knowingly to her friends who didn’t dare to laugh at her jokes if they were directed to Severus.

He sighed.

“Lily, please, don’t make a scene,” he started.

“I already have plans for lunch. And now I’m busy,” she said.

Julia rolled her eyes to Klara. They wished they had this conversation outside of their office, but Lily was too stubborn.

He came closer to her. She sipped on her coffee and looked at some document with great interest. Severus pursed his lips. He hated when she ignored him in front of her friends.

“Then please, cancel those plans,” he whispered with his musky voice, “I only have time now. After that I will have meeting after meeting,” he said and leaned towards her.

Lily squinted and threw the papers at her desk. She was on his beck and call.

“Fuck, okay,” she said angry and started putting on her jacket.

Severus went towards the door and waited for her to get ready.

“Be careful,” she said more to her friends than to him, “Or I will report you. For sexual harassment at work,” she laughed at her own joke, but neither Klara nor Julia even smiled.

“Vice-Minister,” they said with reserve and tact, pretending to not listening to the conversation that he had with his wife.

Her coworkers sighed with relief after the door closed after Severus. The Death Eater was actually frightening. They couldn’t believe Lily wasn’t afraid of him and that she was able to talk back to him.

Meanwhile, Lily was walking what felt like a walk of shame. She wasn’t ashamed of Severus – no. She was ashamed that she was dropping whatever she was doing to be his wife on demand. She hated when he did that. She hated when he was coming to her office. To her part of the Ministry. She knew people here were uncomfortable with his presence.

Here, everybody dressed normally. Maybe a little bit old fashioned. And when Severus was here, in his long black robes, his face always grumpy, she could feel the atmosphere going off. It was her place where she was able to break away from her home routine. And he had to ruin it.

“Where do you want to eat?” she hissed at him when they were in the main hall.

He stopped and looked at her. He was so tall. Taller than her. Even when she wore her heels. He had some peculiar kind of softness in his eyes. The softness that melted her heart. And he was needy. So needy. She knew he was missing her the second she was leaving his office. If he could, he would make her his secretary. Or close assistant.

Lily would rather die than work for him.

“In my office, Lily. I prepared something for us,” he said.

She pursed her lips and looked at him irritated. He didn’t want to eat. He wanted to snug on his couch.

“God, whatever. Let’s go,” she said and walked towards his office.

Severus was going behind her. He watched her ginger locks jumping with every her movement. He sometimes had those fantasies. That he walks with her, holding her hand. He wasn’t affectionate in front of other people. But he wanted to be. He was afraid Lily is going to be mad at him or ashamed and that people are going to see him as a creep. A man like him with a woman like her. It deeply hurt him that she was like that in front of her friends. He was not showing it, but he was hurt. He hated that she was uncomfortable when they walked the Ministry halls together. He wanted her to be proud of him like Narcissa was proud of Lucius.

They entered his office and Lily turned back to him.

“I missed you,” he said and took a step towards her.

She tilted her head a little and looked at him.

“So? I have work. I know you don’t see my job as important, but maybe don’t flaunt it in front of my boss,” she said irritated.

He raised his eyebrows.

“Who’s in a bad mood?” he asked her and embraced her.

Lily rolled her eyes and tried to break free, but his arms hugged her tighter. She finally gave up and laughed when he pressed his mouth on her neck. He was stronger than she was.

“I’m just… Uh,” she sighed from the effort to push him away from her, “Sev, I am just, you know, you have your work, it’s important, I know, but my job is also…”

He pressed her to his body and breathed her smell. It calmed him.

“Sev, I can’t breathe, stop,” she hissed irritated.

She looked at him with anger.

“Let me go,” she ordered and he did.

She turned away. Why was he making her feel this way. Like she was only good for one thing. Like her life didn’t matter.

“Did I do something?” he asked and kissed her hair.

She exhaled.

“No. I’m just tired. I can’t sleep,” she said.

“Then take a day or two off. Sleep, spend some time with Harry…” he said.

“You didn’t take days off when you were wounded. By the way, you are still not completely healed… I’m not going to take days off. I have to work,” she shrugged her shoulders.

“Without me the whole Department cannot function,” he said and she sent him an annoyed look.

“So you really imply that my job is worthless? That it didn’t matter if it was done or not?” she said.

He pursed his lips and exhaled through his nose.

“No. I’m just thinking that the world is not going to collapse. And you should think about your health. Mental health is just as important as physical one,” he said.

“I can say the same to you,” she said and sat down on the couch in his office.

“No. I manage my depression quite well,” he said.

“I don’t think so,” she said back.

They stared at each other for some time.

“Something is wrong, Lily. I can sense it,” he said and went closer.

“Maybe,” she answered and looked away.

“Then let me help you. Don’t close yourself on me,” he said.

She sighed. It was exhausting.

“It’s not that easy. You closed on me first,” she said.

“Why are you saying that? We love each other. We are married,” he frowned.

“I don’t know,” she shook her head frustrated.

Severus looked at her sitting on the couch, indifferent, pensive. Something was wrong. His whole emotional stability was relying on her happiness. He could bear all the stress at work, Voldemort’s demands, stupid orders from other Departments. He couldn’t bear to look at her eyes sad and the corners of her lips bent down.

He kneeled down and took her hand in his. She stared at him blankly. He started kissing her knuckles and palms.

“What are you doing? Idiot,” she whispered.

“Checking what perfumes did you use today,” he said and unbuttoned her shirt sleeve.

“The ones from the green bottle,” she answered.

“I wanted to guess,” he said frustrated.

Lily laughed and took her hand.

“Idiot,” she said and stroked his hair. She liked when he kneeled in front of her. In his office.

“I have something for you,” he said.

He was giving her presents all the time. It was harder and harder to make her surprised and happy from his gifts all the time. But he managed.

Lily tilted her head intrigued.

He got out a box from his pocket. He always searched for all the jewelry he could find with lily motifs. He opened the box carefully. It was a silver brooch with a hand entwined with green and white lilies. Lily smiled and gasped. It was so unique. So precise and beautiful. She put it on her jacket trying not to stab herself.

She leaned and kissed his lips slowly. Severus was thankful he was kneeling, because he would probably fall on the floor from this tender and warm affection. He put his hands on her waist and squeezed her body. He kissed her neck and moved down to her stomach and thighs, kissing them through her clothes. He often made it his little adoration ritual.

She looked at his hair and face pressed to her legs. He started placing kisses on her knees. She closed her eyes and leaned on the couch. He carefully took off her heels and caressed her feet. She purred satisfied. She opened her eyes and started looking around his office. It was full of some paintings, bottles with weird substances. It was full of Voldemort’s symbols. Full of Death Eaters imagery. She looked down on her husband tracing her tibia bone on her leg with his nose.

Lily suddenly felt fear. She didn’t see Severus. She saw a Death Eater. She saw a man who casted a curse to a crowd. A man who served the worst monster. She thought about the time they were at school. She couldn’t convince herself that the man who was kneeling in front of her was the same man who sat with her in the Potions class.

She felt dizzy. She felt out of breath. Severus sleeve got a little bit up and she saw the Death Mark on his hand. The Mark that was left when her friends were killed in the war. She squeezed her thighs.

“Get up,” she ordered.

He lifted his gaze to meet her eyes. She was terrified.

“What did I do?” he asked and stood up.

She saw him, in his black cape, his dark eyes drilling her. Like a big bat waiting for his feast. She opened her mouth to speak but couldn’t. Something was blocking her.

She started hyperventilating. She tried to get up, but she felt dizzy.

“Lily, you are afraid of me?” he stated more than asked.

 “I am… I am just…” she said. She was having a panic attack.

He sat next to her and started unbuttoning her blouse to make it easier for her to breath.

“Don’t touch me,” she muttered and dug her nails into his hands.

He frowned, then walked away to look through the window. She couldn’t recognize her husband in the man that was standing in this room.

“I cannot get the image of you killing people out of my head,” she whispered when she calmed down.

“Are you disgusted by me?” he asked with pain in his eyes.

“I am not. I’m just afraid. I don’t know why,” she said.

“Why are you not afraid when we are at home? In our bed?” he asked.

“Because then you are mine. Now you are a tool in the hands of Voldemort,” she said.

He felt stinging pain in his heart.

“I am always yours. I am no ones tool,” he said back.

They stared at each other for some time. He felt that Lily didn’t believe him. He took off his cape and put it on the back of his chair. He started unbuttoning his jacket. Lily watched him interested. He took off the linen buttoned down he had under his jacket. He was in his black soft cotton shirt that she often saw him at home.

“Is it better now?” he asked.

Lily could feel her tension shifting. There he was. The man she loved. She got up on her shaking legs not bothering to put her shoes on, because his office had the softest rugs on the floor. She closed her eyes and pressed her cheek to his chest. She could feel his warmth. She could hear his beating heart.

“Yes. It is better,” she murmured not opening her eyes. The panic attack made her exhausted.

“Sometimes… I wonder,” he started, “I wonder if my soul is already lost. If it’s already evil. But then I come back to you. I see you sleeping calmly with Harry in your arms. And when you both wake up, you look at me with love and you feel safe. Everything I ever did, even if it was evil, was worth this moment. When I feel loved and I know I can protect you. There is no worst hell on earth for me than when you fear me. I don’t want to ever be frightening for you or for Harry. I will never hurt any of you,” he whispered into her ear while rocking her softly in his arms.

Lily bit her lip.

“I don’t know. I think my feeling of safety is built on weak fundaments. And I can feel them collapsing and the ground slips away from my feet…” she said.

“That is not true. I keep you safe. You are just tired, nervous. And shocked. Maybe we should go see a doctor about your panic attacks, hm?” he suggested.

“Maybe. I have this weird feeling that something bad is about to happen. And I cannot prevent it,” she said and looked in his eyes.

“There is nothing bad coming. You have a good life. You are loved and safe,” Severus said to her and smiled, then kissed her forehead.

Severus’ assistant came and brought them a roast with potatoes and vegetables for lunch. Lily ate it, but she just couldn’t shake away this weird feelings.

That she is walking on thin glass. Or ice.

Chapter Text

Lily opened her eyes. She wasn’t in her home. She was in the Order of Phoenix house, the house that once belonged to Sirius. Everything seemed so weird and unusual. She sat on the bed. And then a man opened the door to her room. She squinted her eyes to see his face, but she had a really hard time recognizing this person. Finally, his facial features became more defined.

It was James.

And then the rest of the Order came. She was happy, but she sensed that something was off. She didn’t know what exactly.

James took her to the garden to talk with her privately. She followed him, although she didn’t want to.

“We rescued you, Lily,” he told her and made a step towards her.

“From what?” she asked confused.

He was looking at her closely and didn’t answer.

“Where is Harry?” she asked another question.

“Who?” he asked her and raised his eyebrows.

“I have a son. Harry,” she said.

James was silent for a moment.

“There is a suspicion that the man who gave you a child used love elixir on you. He made one that lasts for a long time. This child might be a dangerous sociopath like Voldemort. We locked him,” he said with a cold look on his face.

Lily raised her eyebrows terrified.

“And my husband? Severus? Where is he?” she asked with shaking voice.

James smiled.

“I killed him. I slashed his body in half. You are safe,” he said.

Lily’s eyes grew bigger.

“My… God… No, this can’t be true, Severus is… Oh…” she stuttered unable to say anything.

“Yes. I killed him. We rescued you from him,” he said and grabbed her arms.

“I didn’t ask you to! I wasn’t under any charm or any elixir!” she cried desperately.

“So it is true. You committed treason. You sided with Voldemort. You became a Death Eater’s whore. You bore his child,” he said and raised his wand towards her.

Lily stood up with her mouth opened.

“James…”

“You betrayed the Order. You and your brat are going to be executed immediately,” he spitted.

“This fucking child is yours,” she said back, “did you take a look at him?”

Now James was standing and staring with his mouth opened. And then he killed her.

***

Severus woke up early – like he always did. He checked on Harry and went on to organize his personal stuff at his home office. He was more and more worried about Lily. She grew more and more apathetic with each day. It was painful to him. After years of happiness and calmness she suddenly became paranoid.

He stood up and went back to their bedroom. She was laying in bed in her semitransparent white sleeping gown. He loved when she wore it. He could see her milky skin underneath the material. It was ethereal. He had the urge to come closer to her, kiss her pink nipples that were visible underneath the linen gown, embrace her, whisper to her. But he knew that she just… Wasn’t in the mood. He could sense her stress and anxiety.

Severus was already dressed up for work, but seeing her so cozy and cute in bed made him want to lay down with her. He took off his shoes and laid on top of the blanket. He saw Lily frowning and moving. She had some sort of a dream.

“James…” she whispered and he froze.

That was the last thing he thought he could hear her say. His heart grew cold like a stone on the cool wind. He observed her closely.

She moved on the bed and squinted her face. He couldn’t decide if she had a nightmare… or not.

“Lily, wake up,” he said and lightly shook her.

She gasped and opened her eyes. When she saw him, above her, in his robes, with his face full of disgust and hatred, she panicked.

“God!” she screamed and opened her eyes wider.

She started hyperventilating and crying.

“Shh, it was a dream,” he said and stroked her arm. He covered her body with his as if he was to shield her from harm.

She closed her eyes and tried to make herself breath slower. The more she tried to calm herself the more sobs and tears came out of her. He kissed her face catching every tear running on her cheeks. He laid on her and she got calmer focusing herself on the weight of his body on hers.

“I can’t go to work today,” she whispered.

“It’s okay, don’t go,” he said and kissed her neck under the ear.

“I had… a dream,” she said.

“I know,” he responded.

They laid in silence for some time. Lily placed her hand on his neck and started stroking the place at his nape where his hair started growing. His body was so comforting for her. So masculine and strong.

“I’m going to take you to Narcissa,” he said after some time.

He didn’t want her to sit alone for the whole day. Their house seemed kind of depressing during winter, when the nature was sleeping.

Lily nodded and started getting dressed. She started packing their stuff and getting Harry presentable. They always dressed way nicer to visit Malfoys than when they were staying at home.

She was still in shell shock. The dream was so horrible. She didn’t have anyone to talk about it. Severus is going to be so sad that she is dreaming about James and her past… And Narcissa is not going to understand her fears and feelings. For Narcissa the Order was some stupid little cult led by Dumbledore.

And maybe it was. Maybe she was right. But those people or what was left from them were her friends. Once they were the only friends she had. When being a Mudblood made her untouchable.

An hour later she was sitting in the Narcissa’s living room with a coffee and chocolate cherry cake in her hand looking through the window at Harry and Draco building a snowman. Her pale freckled face lit up with happiness. She hoped that whatever happens at least Harry is going to be happy. Severus and her had problems. Not with each other, but they just didn’t have an easy life. They were outcasts in Hogwarts. Severus was poor, she was from the Muggle blood. But Harry is going to have a perfect childhood. Harry will be perfect.

“Are you feeling better, dear?” she heard Narcissa’s voice.

Lily turned to her. She was beautiful as always. More beautiful with every year.

“Much better. Thank you so much. The cake is a delight. And Harry is clearly having so much fun,” she smiled and watched her friend.

“How is Severus?” Narcissa asked.

“He is really good. His chest hurts sometimes, he is not going to admit it, but it does,” Lily said and sighed.

Narcissa looked concerned.

“Maybe he should get it treated better?” she asked.

“It’s not that easy with him, you know Severus. He hates going to healers,” Lily said and made a face.

“Voldemort is very pleased with him. He jumped in front of him and took the curse on himself for the Dark Lord. That is a lot of dedication,” Narcissa said to cheer her friend up.

Lily smiled politely, but it didn’t make her feel better. Quite the opposite.

“Severus just hates James Potter,” the voice from the couch said.

It was Regulus Black, Narcissa’s cousin. He spent most of his time in the Malfoy’s mansion now after his suicide attempt. He didn’t have anyone left. He could also sit at home with Bellatrix, but it would end bad for both of them. Bellatrix thought that Sirius and Regulus were far more soft and they were brought up without proper discipline. That’s why Sirius turned out to be a blood traitor and Regulus turned out to be a failure.

Narcissa was different. Narcissa was caring and protective over Regulus. He was her favorite cousin. Always best dressed. A true gentleman. She loved his presence.

She smiled and rolled her eyes.

“Oh come on! The Hogwarts drama again!” she said to him with her usual effortless grace.

Lily also smiled. Yes, the Hogwarts drama. That was what her life was still about. Her eyes met Regulus’ and she saw he is smiling but his eyes are still sad. He nodded towards her, but she didn’t understand why.

The three of them spent the evening playing some games and reading by the fireplace. Lily fell asleep on the armchair and Regulus brought his watercolors set to paint her. He knew Severus loved when he did that. He kept Regulus’ paintings of his wife in his home office, framed. Narcissa went out of the room to tell the elves to prepare the dinner for five people and two kids.

Regulus stood up and sat on the chaise lounge next to sleeping Lily.

“Hey, I painted you,” he told her waking her up.

She smiled brightly seeing him. He reminded her of his brother a lot. She always had a lot of empathy for Sirius. He also bullied Severus. But he was kicked out of his house and completely disowned by his whole family. That must have been traumatic.

“Severus is going to love it,” she said and smiled.

“But do you like it?” he asked and stroked her hair.

She loved the gentleness of the gesture.

“I adore it. You are my favorite painter, Regulus,” she said and kissed his hand.

“I actually wanted to talk with you on our own,” he said anxiously.

“About this man? You told me the last time? What about him?” she asked interested.

“No…” he said and his cheeks got red.

Lily smiled.

“Don’t be ashamed. I would love to know who stole the heart of Regulus Black,” she whispered.

He rolled his eyes. He wasn’t so sure about this.

“It’s still complicated,” he said.

“You said it’s going on and off from the time you were at Hogwarts…” she said.

He shook his head.

“No, I’m not going to give you even a clue. Stop it!” he pursed his lips.

“So what did you want to talk to me about?” she asked giving up.

“Well… You weren’t at work today. Was it because… People are mean to you? I mean, because of your blood status?” he asked.

She got quiet. She didn’t like to discuss it with anyone. She was scared.

“No, it was because I had a bad dream. Everything is going great at work,” she said.

“Huh,” he told surprised.

“What?” she asked.

“No, it’s just… Voldemort is getting kind of paranoid,” he said.

“Can relate,” she said and laughed nervously.

He frowned.

“What is it, Lily?” he asked.

She shrugged her shoulders.

“I’m just afraid something bad is going to happen to Severus. I can’t stop thinking about it. That the Order… is going to target him. Also… I sense that something is just off. I can’t spot it exactly. I just have a vague feeling” she said and sighed.

“Severus is more powerful than them. Don’t worry. You are safe,” he said to comfort her.

She smiled to him. He smiled back.

Then the door opened and Narcissa came back with Draco, Harry, Lucius and Severus who came back from work.

Lily turned and noticed her husband’s concerned face. But when he saw that she is relaxed, under her blanket, sitting comfortably and talking with Regulus, his whole expression went bright.

He kneeled in front of her and kissed her lips.

“Bleh!” Draco said to Harry when he saw them.

Severus smiled and looked in her sparkly eyes.

Regulus took two steps back to admire this scene. He always loved Lily and Severus together. Not always, at the beginning he didn’t, but then he did.

“How is my wife?” he asked her not getting from his knee.

“She is good,” Lily answered.

Regulus looked at them with happiness. But his heart was tainted with envy. Maybe if he could call Remus his husband in front of everyone the life would have a meaning. Right now it seemed it didn’t. He thought about the love of his life, somewhere far away. He thought about their encounters in school. It started just as a simple sexual thing. It felt amazing. And forbidden. For them both. Regulus was fucking the werewolf boy from Gryffindor. And Remus was fucking his best friend’s brother. A Death Eater.

Then Remus ended school. Everything ended. Regulus started writing letters to him. Love letters. A lot of them. Remus started writing him back. Their secret romance was what gave Regulus’ life colors. Then the letters and their little meetings stopped. The Order started being suspicious of Remus. Someone said they could swear they saw him with a Death Eater. It was absurd, but some of them believed. And they couldn’t write or meet each other no more.

He took the painting he made and wrote a little note at the back:

Lily, be happy for me. I will never be happy again. I am asking you to be happy for us both. Love him.

He made his decision. He will destroy the Horcrux.

That day he was happy. He was so happy, Narcissa was sure he was no longer depressed.

Lily frowned when she saw what he wrote to her at the back. She can’t give Severus a painting with a note that is clearly for her. She brought it back home and hid it in her closet.

Chapter Text

Chapter 6

After a couple of days of rest and care, Lily’s mental state was getting better. Severus decided they should spend a Saturday together, without Harry. He took his wife shopping for a new bag, because he got a bonus from work and compensation from being wounded. He didn’t know what to do with all this money, so he just bought his wife some stupid expensive purse and maybe shoes to go with it so she will have something truly luxurious in her life. Wizards and Witches weren’t into designer brands or anything, but Lily and Severus were raised in the Muggle world, watching TV shows where high end brands were the ultimate success determinant.

He wasn’t a fan of going out. If he could, he would spend their time together at home, talking with her and observing her, cuddling her. Sitting here, in the crowded coffee shop in Soho after two hours spent at Harrods, was uncomfortable, to put it nicely. But that’s what Lily liked, so he went with it. He loved watching her and was very proud of himself that he is the one who organized this whole thing.

What he didn’t like was that other people looked at them too. He could see it in their eyes, he could read it in their minds. Lily was out of his league. She was graceful, she was like a vibrant bird, he was like an old bat leaning towards her as if she was his prey. She was so effortless in her elegance. It was as if she was born to be sipping her cappuccino in this overpriced café with flowers on the walls and little trays with sandwiches, cookies and cakes. He felt out of place.

The years he spent being on top of the Wizarding World made him less self-conscious. In the Ministry, on the Diagon Alley, in the Hogsmeade, he was recognized and respected, even admired. But here, in the Muggle world, he was just a weirdly tall young man with an odd face, big nose and little dark eyes dressed like he was about to go to a death metal concert.

Lily ate a pink macaroon and smiled at him. She had a really good day. Her mild melancholy seemed to be fading. She was back to her old self again. She placed her hand on her husband’s thigh.

“What are you thinking about? Your face is so cloudy, I could swear you don’t want to be here,” she said.

He put his hand on hers.

“You know I feel more comfortable in other places,” he said.

“Oh, my dear Sev. But we can’t always sit at those dark and gloomy bars for the Death Eaters. I don’t want to sip cognac at 5:00,” she said and took another cookie.

“I’m not complaining,” he said.

“You rarely do. You just look like you could Avada Kedavra every man that looks in my direction,” she said and smiled.

He almost blushed.

“I don’t like them looking,” he said and leaned towards her as if he was trying to cover her with his dark cape.

“You are the only one who can touch me. Aren’t you happy you have an attractive wife?” she asked him and moved her hand onto his cheek. It was clean shaved as always.

“I am happy. I don’t need to confirm that by watching men watching you,” he said.

She shook her head and stood up.

“Okay, let’s go. We have to grab something nice for Harry,” she said and went to the register to order a cake for her son.

Severus came to pay. He looked outside and saw the street covered in snow. They came to the door and he helped her with her long dark green coat. She wrapped herself in a silver scarf and they came outside. He took the box with the cake from her hands, because she didn’t have her gloves and her hands were red from the cold air.

They went to some shop with toys and bought Harry car toys and a set to play with Draco. It was funny that Muggle toys were better than the ones sold in Magic stores. Lily tried to make her son’s childhood a mix between those two worlds so he has the best experiences from both of them.

The snow sat on her coat and her beret. Her eyes were bright from the excitement. He wanted to grab her by the waist and kiss her on the lips here in the middle of the crowded sidewalk. His little wife, his childhood friend, strolling through London like a real lady.

They were both 24. A weird age to be married and to have a child and a job. In a Muggle world they would probably still be in college or they would start their careers. To be honest, neither of them knew how to be an adult. Lily’s case was easier: she just copied what her mother did. Go to her office work, paint her nails red, wear buttoned up chemises and pencil skirts. Drink coffee and smoke while reading a book. Have sex with her husband, care for him, talk to him when he is sad. Grown up stuff.

She was a little girl pretending to be an adult woman. The whole war and the trauma of being a prisoner and then falling in love with her enemy made her more and more disconnected to reality.

Severus’ case was quite the opposite. He had to be especially connected to reality so he would be able to save her from it. He had to mature really quickly. Lily had no idea how much work went behind maintaining a functional house. They could afford everything, the money wasn’t a problem, but organizing food, amenities, fixing everything, caring for the garden, especially care for all the things Harry needed – that was a whole deal.

Also Severus didn’t have anyone to look up for when it came to being a good husband and a father. He grew up seeing Tobias being a complete failure as a man and he swore to god he didn’t want to be like him. He wanted to be the opposite of what his father was. He wanted to be calm, to be someone who made Lily feel safe and not scared of him. His main tactic to be a good husband was patience, indulgence in his wife’s cravings and gentleness towards her even if she was irritating and angry for no apparent reason. That worked pretty well for him.

He was aware that Lily was spoiled and sheltered, partly by him. He was aware that he was the one who put more work into this marriage than her. He was aware that Lily was sure that it was enough that she is bright and pretty and nice and that it’s all she had to offer. For him it was enough, it was more than enough. He never complained that he is the one who has to always compromise and apologize and be the bigger person. The fact that he was loved and that he was loved by her was all he wanted. Those moments where she expressed gratitude for the things he did, when she apologized after being angry at him, when her eyes were bright from love when she opened them and saw him by her side on their bed.

All those things may have been the effects of the fact that Severus had only two sources of the examples of good husbands: Lucius Malfoy with his Victorian views on marriage and women and nineteenth century novels like “Anna Karenina” or “Sense and Sensibility”. This made him view Lily as someone incapable of functioning independently and consequently see himself as her protector. He felt like his love was sometimes more parental than romantic. It was still romantic, just in the very old fashioned sense.

If Lily could complain about something, it was probably how mysterious and secretive her husband was. She almost never heard from him anything about politics or his work. He often disappeared for hours in his office doing some notes, reading, writing letters and doing God knows what. He always demanded it from her that she described her day with every detail she could think of, but when she asked him about anything he was suddenly changing the subjects and talking about some trivial stuff.

On the other hand, the fact that she could never fully work him out, that he always left something to speculation and imagination was what she found the most attractive in him. The mysteriousness and his composure. She sometimes felt like a maiden in an old horror novel, lying in bed, waiting for her husband to appear and change from a bat to a vampire and kiss her neck hard with so much hunger she trembled from the thrill.

She knew most women wouldn’t find him that attractive. But she wasn't like most women. She knew him. She saw his journey from an awkward boy, to a bullied teenager and finally a powerful man.

They turned to an empty alley and teleported to their home. Harry greeted them from the moment they passed the door.

“Was my little Prince good for Dobby? Was he polite?” she asked and picked him up.

“Yes!” the boy shouted and she laughed.

Severus took their stuff to the kitchen. Harry always runs first to Lily. He wanted them to have their own mother and son moments. He really appreciated how they loved each other.

Lily came with Harry and placed him on Severus’ back.

“Hug your father like a good boy!” she ordered him and the kid wrapped his arms around the man's neck.

Severus took his wand and suddenly Harry was floating in the air confused. Lily smiled at him and took his little hand while he wriggled, levitating and smiling. He then was placed in his chair.

“Was that fun?” Lily asked him and unwrapped his cake.

“Yeah!” the kid shouted and started eating.

Lily sent Severus an amused and grateful look. She knew he wasn’t really into parenthood, but sometimes he was the best father there was. It was hard to determine whether he truly loved her son, but he fulfilled his duties exceeding her expectations.

It was already dark outside, so she decided to make Harry ready for sleep with the help of Dobby. She saw Severus slowly backing away. He was tired from all this time he spent outside in the crowds of people. He needed some hours of silence and solitude in his office. Lily sighed.

After an hour of reading stories and cuddling with her son, she decided to go to her husband’s office.

“Can you help me with the dress?” she asked him.

“I have to finish this thing and I’m yours,” he said, not looking up from the parchment he was writing on.

He was the most attractive to her when he was so focused and occupied with something. It reminded her when they spent time in the library together, learning and reading. He was almost handsome when he was frowning, contemplating something hard. She sat on the edge of his desk and stroked his hair gently.

She knew that he planned on helping her undress and then he would be back to his stuff. She sighed when he stood up and they both went to their bedroom. He unzipped her dress and took it off. She was standing there in a transparent silky underdress. She could feel the warmth of his body radiating through the woolen black jacket he wore.

She went to bed and laid down, sure that he was staring at her. When she laid down and turned to him she saw that he was standing tense next to the window. Like he is struggling internally about something, she could feel his awkwardness and his lust. He wanted something but he was afraid to ask.

“What is it?” she asked and she tried to lay down in the most flattering position she could, scattering her auburn hair on the pillow.

She stared at his silhouette for some time. Then it clicked. She smiled.

“Can you come here, honey?” she asked as innocently as she could.

She sat on the bed leaning on the big embroidered pillow. He made a couple steps towards her. His dark eyes were sparkling with desire. She knew their last sex was horrible, but now she was feeling a lot better and she wanted him to know she wants him and that she loves him.

Lily rested her hand on his hips and caressed him through his trousers. He was already painfully hard. She saved blowing him for special occasions. Today was special. She could hear his heavy panting. He grabbed the bedframe with his hand and clenched them hard. She unzipped his pants and kissed him through the material of his boxers.

She knew he still had a big problem with accepting his body and letting her touch him. That’s why it was important to work him up, show him how much she wanted it. Lily ran her fingers on her chest and stomach, curving her spine to expose her breasts more. He watched her amazed. She slipped her hand between her legs and started touching herself through her pants.

She grabbed his dick with her other hand and took it out of his boxers. She pulled his foreskin looking into his eyes and put the tip in her mouth. He gasped from the sensation and muttered a curse under his breath.

He wasn’t a fan of obscenities, he wasn’t perverse for the most of the time. That was the one thing he couldn’t give up. Even if it was maybe vulgar and not in the best taste, he just loved when she sucked his dick. He loved watching her while she did it. That was his more primitive side that he tried to suppress. But he couldn’t, whatever he did, he just wanted it so fucking much.

He remembered how obsessed with the idea of oral sex he was after seeing it in his dad’s magazines. He knew it was dirty and sinful to go look at porn. He was aware how it probably was what destroyed any intimacy between his parents. Sometimes he just had to have something to jerk off as quickly as possible, before his guilt became unbearable. One time he found a picture of a red headed woman giving a blowjob. He ripped the page and kept it under his bed. He was too afraid to take it to school with him, but every time he was at home and he felt like shit, he would pull out this page and masturbate to it to somehow relieve the tension and the stress he felt when coming back to his abusive household.

He imagined Lily blowing him but could never compare to the real feeling and the real image of his dick in her mouth. She was way more delicate and shy and innocent while doing it. She never took his dick deep, he never demanded it. He knew it would be uncomfortable, he was too big for it. She just licked his head and sucked it hard while caressing the whole length with her hand.

She didn’t break the eye contact even for a moment and didn’t stop fucking herself with her fingers. It was really exciting to watch him so vulnerable, breathing hard and moaning from pleasure. She knew he got a special kind of kick from seeing her so submissive and obedient, with his dick in her mouth, while he was towering over her in his usual elegant dark clothes. She knew those were the moments he truly felt powerful, he truly felt like a vice-minister.

Drops of his precum and her saliva were slipping on her lower lip and her chin. He tasted bitter and salty, it wasn’t anything nice, but it was him and she wanted him. She knew she wasn’t good at sucking dick, especially when he was this huge from his head to the base, but she did what she managed to do. She loved this feeling of his veins pulsating on her tongue. She moaned when he put his fingers in her hair to keep her head in place and started fucking her mouth with light strokes. She knew that meant he was close. He couldn’t come if he wasn’t the one in control.

She closed her eyes and relaxed her throat. Her eyes watered from the sensation. She squeezed her hand on her breasts to relieve some of the lust she felt from being fucked in her mouth. Suddenly she heard his groans and she felt his warm sperm filling her throat. She didn’t manage to swallow everything and when he pulled out her lips were covered in his cum.

She opened her eyes and felt tears running on her cheeks. It was just her usual reflex from having something in her throat, but he usually felt so guilty right after, especially seeing her so red and completely in shambles. He muttered the spell to bring himself a towel and started wiping her carefully.

“I’m so sorry,” he said quietly and kissed her forehead.

She laughed in response.

“God, we have the same conversation every fucking time when we do this. You don’t have to say you’re sorry,” she said and sighed from the amount of the feelings she had right now.

“I still am sorry, love,” he said and stroked her hair.

She breathed in and out to calm herself down.

“Whatever. I don’t care if you are sorry, I only care that you won’t stop doing it,” she said and put her hand on his cheek.

He pursed his lips.

“I’m only a man, what can I say,” he said apologetically.

She rolled her eyes and laughed again. She was so proud of herself that she made him so satisfied.

“It’s your turn,” he said in his deep and low voice.

“Is it?” she asked him and started taking her pants off.

He was faster. He kneeled next to the bed and put his fingers inside her wet entry. She was so wet he could hardly understand what was so arousing for her in sucking him. Her clit was already so sensitive and ready for his tongue. She came maybe after a minute of his licking.

He laid down next to her. He still couldn’t believe that Lily Evans - that Lily Prince was his wife and that she was somehow into him. She snuggled next to him, resting her head on his arm and pressing her body to his.

“I crave some hot chocolate,” she whispered.

“I crave your ass,” he answered.

She hit him in his chest and laughed.

“Fuck, you piss me off,” she said.

He extended his arm and put his hand on her ass cheek.

“Do you want me to call Dobby, love?” he asked her.

“Did someone say my name?” the elf entered.

Lily giggled like a little girl who was caught red handed and tried to cover herself with the blanket.

Dobby didn’t understand what she was doing. He didn’t get the same sense of shame as people do.

“Calm down, woman,” Severus also smiled and helped her cover herself.

“Can you bring me some hot chocolate? With hazelnut syrup. I feel tired,” she asked, completely red.

“Yes! On my way. And something for Mister Prince?” he asked.

“My ass,” Lily said with a smile.

Dobby looked at her confused.

“She meant a glass. A glass of bourbon,” he said.

Lily looked at him amused. Sometimes she wondered if he was so playful as a kid and she didn’t notice that.

They waited for their drinks laying in bed. He grabbed her breast and caressed it in the meantime. He just liked how big her tits were after the pregnancy. He generally liked her body better after it. She was less skinny and more feminine.

A crow started knocking on the window. Severus stood up and opened it with a groan. He took the letter to him and read it. He was thankful that Lily couldn’t see his face. He exhaled and hid the letter in his pocket. Dobby came with the tray and their drinks. He took his glass of alcohol and drank it with one sip.

“What happened?” Lily asked and grabbed a cup with hot chocolate and whipped cream.

He didn’t answer. He had no idea what to do. He turned to her and she noticed he was pale and disturbed. He sat on the bed thinking if he should tell her.

Then his Death Mark started hurting. Voldemort called for him.

“I have to go,” he said and stood up.

“No, you can’t go now,” she said and stood up with him. She came to the door to block them.

“Lily, I will be back,” he said.

“What happened?” she panicked.

“We will talk after I'm back,” he said.

“Please, tell me! I don’t want to worry for the whole night that you’ll be doing something dangerous,” she said and her voice broke.

He sighed.

“Just calm down, Lily. It’s not dangerous. Death Eater stuff. I’ll be back when you wake up.

She looked into his eyes and saw that he was telling her the truth, so she moved and let himself go. Before he did, he wrapped his arm around her waist and kissed her lips hard.

“Don’t worry,” he whispered and was gone.

Chapter Text

Lily was sure people around her hid something from her. Not necessarily lied to her, but just… Things weren’t adding up. 

The suicide of Regulus Black pulled her into the abyss of not even sadness, but apathy and fear. She just couldn’t process it. Why did he try to kill himself? Why that night? He seemed neurotic as always, but to commit suicide… It wasn’t quite right. He was in love after all.

Severus was also in love when he tried to kill himself. Maybe his lover rejected him brutally. Regulus lacked the cynicism and skepticism that Severus always had because of his unfortunate upbringing. He was different. He was more hysterical and dramatic. Perhaps that was the type of a person that was prone to suicide. But she still wasn’t sure. She still didn’t seem convinced.

Lily didn’t think he was murdered. She just thought that something other than the widespread narrative of him going crazy and disintegrating his mental stability to the point he killed himself in an attack of psychosis – was the actual truth. The fact that his name was being wiped out of every space and out of every record was so strange. The funeral was so small and Voldemort didn’t even attend. 

She thought about it over and over. She tried to work this out, but couldn’t. Severus didn’t want to talk about it either. He said to her that she is fixated on his suicide. He was right, she was fixated. But she was also sure he was hiding the truth from her. He had a lot of secrets. She should have gotten used to it. 

Lily stopped working in the Ministry after her outburst when she got the news that Regulus is dead. Severus brought her to a Muggle psychiatrist who prescribed her lots of medications and stated a diagnosis: anxiety and neurosis. He told her to rest a lot and get a break from her usual environment. She was locked in the house and was going more crazy with every day. 

Two weeks passed from that night and ten days passed from the day of the funeral. Lily still wasn’t able to process all of it. She was completely broken. She missed Regulus. She wished she could speak to him. She kept the picture of her he had painted and stared at it for hours. 

She was happy Harry and Dobby were so glad to spend their time together. Every morning Harry ran to her bed to wake her up from her deep sleep she got thanks to the meds she was taking. Then they ate breakfast and Harry went to play and Lily went into her mourning. She hid her state from Harry as best as she could, so she never cried in front of him or never did anything suspicious. 

After lunch she decided she wanted to take a bath. She didn’t wash herself for the last three days, so it was the right time. She turned up the heating in the bathroom and filled the bathtub with water. She got undressed and went into it, then she lit a cigarette. After she smoked, she laid in the bath and observed the ceiling through the layer of water. She got up to sit and leaned on the side of the bath. 

The intrusive thoughts weren’t going away. But she became more and more sleepy.

Severus found her an hour later, naked, in the lukewarm water, sleeping. He grabbed her gently so as not to wake her up and took off his cape to wrap her body with it. He then went into their bedroom and placed her on the bed. 

Lily opened her eyes when she sunk into her soft covers feeling her husband’s scent all over her. She snuggled her face into the warmth of the woolen cape he wrapped her in. He watched her with his heart melting. She was so innocent and lovely.

He walked around the bed and laid on the other side. She started waking up slowly. Her long eyelashes were sticked up together. He came closer to her and placed his hand on her cheek.

“You fell asleep in the bathtub,” he said in his low and raspy voice.

She sighed and tried to focus on the warmth of his hand.

“I wanted to take a bath but I’m so sleepy from those medicines,” she said.

“I know. I’m just worried you’ll drown. Just wait until I got home. I can sit and wait until you wash yourself,” he said.

She smiled.

“You treat me like a child,” she said.

“Lily… I just want to take care of you. I want to make you feel safe and good,” he said and came closer.

She started playing with the buttons of his jacket. She undo two buttons and slipped her hand under his clothes to feel his warmth and the beating of his heart. He still had some undershirt on but she could feel the outline of his chest and stomach. She exhaled slowly trying to cherish the moments when he let her touch him. They were rare. 

He took her hand from his chest and buttoned his jacket. It was enough for touching for today.

She smiled, apologizing. She almost felt guilty for always trying to cross his boundaries somehow. She sat on the bed and his cape came off her arms and exposed her naked from the waist up.

He watched her perky breasts and her milky skin. She was perfect. He hoped he could help her with her mental struggles. He didn’t even know how to help himself. He was depressed and she had anxiety. Those were two different issues. He wished he could make her worries go. But it wasn’t easy. She was too intelligent. She kept on digging. 

The truth was, Regulus didn’t kill himself. That was revealed to Severus, Lucius and other Death Eaters the night he was found dead. Regulus destroyed something important for Voldemort. It was one of his Horcruxes. That somehow killed him. Either way, Regulus was a traitor. His death was swept under the rug. Nobody was supposed to mourn him and say his name. 

That was strange for Severus. He knew how important Horcruxes were. He understood there was some dark magic involved in the protection of them to prevent their destruction. The snake that Voldemort had with him almost all the time was also a Horcrux. Severus didn’t feel safe around it. The animal had human eyes. That wasn’t normal. He was rather creeped out by it.

Of course, he couldn’t tell Lily about all of this. There is no way that she is going to take it well and obey Voldemort’s orders. She will become even more paranoid knowing that Voldemort created Horcruxes to make his soul immortal.

He just had to wait until she forgets about Regulus and ends her mourning. 

The only thing that was important for Severus was to keep Lily safe and sound and for her to keep loving him. He sometimes feels that she is floating in the ocean and the waves of her own insanity are taking her away from him.

He wasn’t able to stop them. He could only hope that the influx brings her back on the coast to him and his arms. 

She shivered. He stood up and brought her a warm dress that she wore normally around the house. Harry came to their room a moment after she was dressed. He climbed on the bed and laid on Severus. Lily watched them amused. Severus saw a brightness in Lily’s eyes that he didn’t see in the last weeks. He hugged the little boy and kissed his forehead. Harry giggled and grabbed his father’s nose. Severus never thought he would be a father. And that he would be able to love a child. He saw a lot of Lily in him. His physical features were similar to James’, but his personality was just like his mother’s. And he had Lily’s eyes.

“I bought flowers. You can take Harry and visit Regulus’ grave,” Severus suggested.

She nodded, grateful for it. She had the need to visit him. 

“If I can help you in any way, just say what I have to do,” he offered.

Lily pursed her lips. There was nothing he could do. Maybe if he told her everything he knew about this case… But he will not do it. 

Next morning put on some warm clothes and prepared Harry to spend some time in the snow. She grabbed a thermos with tea and snacks and grabbed the flowers Severus bought. She teleported to the Black’s cemetery. She strolled through all the tombstones and stopped next to the newest one. There was the body of her dear friend…

She put the flowers on the marble and sat on a little bench. Harry played in the snow next to her. She sighed. The weather was quite nice and the sun shined, but she was devastated. She couldn’t believe he killed himself. She blamed herself for not being there for him. She blamed herself for not helping him. She couldn’t stop thinking about how she abandoned Severus in a similar situation. The guilt she felt crushed her.

She didn’t want to cry, because she didn’t want Harry to be worried. But she wanted to cry.

Lily almost jumped when she heard a familiar voice.

“Hey, buddy,” a man came to them and squatted next to Harry, who was building a little tower with snowballs.

Lily turned around and saw Remus, her old friend. They stared at each other awkwardly for a moment. Neither of them knew what to do or what to say. They both stood up and before they could think, they were in each other’s arms. Lily felt his irresistible smell that she associated with the last two years she spent in his company at Hogwarts. They haven’t seen each other in years. 

They weren’t able to separate. Lily felt tears running on her cheek and she knew he was also crying. 

“God, Remus… Why are you here? Death Eaters are after you… This is so unsafe,” she said to him after some time.

“I don’t care,” he whispered.

They took a step back and looked at each other. 

Remus saw that Lily changed a lot. She wasn’t a girl, she was a woman. A mother. She was so elegant and classy. Lily looked at Remus embarrassed. His eyes were swollen and he had big bags under them. She saw how old and scruffy his clothes were. She felt even more guilty that she is standing here in the fur coat wrapped in a heavy ornamented scarf.

“Why are you here?” she asked, confused.

“Long story, Lily,” he said.

“I have time,” she answered.

They looked at each other for a moment. Then Remus made a step towards her and sat on a bench next to Regulus’ grave.

She joined him.

“Regulus was my lover,” he said.

Lily gasped. Of course! She regretted that Regulus didn’t tell her that he was dating her old best friend. 

“How? When?” she asked.

“Through Hogwarts and then to the day of his death,” Remus said.

She nodded and sent him a sad look.

“I’m so sorry,” she said quietly.

“You don’t have to be. He is a hero. He died for the case,” Remus said and pursed his lips.

He wasn’t sure if Lily is still supporting the Order. She was Snape’s wife.

“What? No, he committed suicide…” Lily said, confused.

Remus frowned.

“No, Lily. I don’t know what lies you have been fed. Regulus turned to our side and decided to destroy some of Voldemort's important artifact that was hidden in his home. He wrote to me about his plan in his letter. He wasn’t sure if he would survive… But it wasn’t a suicide,” he told her.

She was completely shocked.

“Are you sure??? I can’t believe it…” she said.

“Why?” Remus asked.

“Because Regulus was Black. Blacks are with Voldemort. They are loyal,” she said.

“He was loyal. To me,” Remus said. 

They sat in silence. Lily tried to process all of that.

“That makes sense,” she said after some time.

“Because it’s true,” he said.

“I know… It’s just… Severus told me that he committed suicide and that I shouldn’t worry about it, but I felt something is not right. His name is almost cursed now,” she said.

“Yes. I know,” Remus said.

Harry came to them and climbed on Lily’s lap. She got red. Remus will see his face and figure out that the kid is James’. She poured him some tea. 

“I know he is not Snape’s,” Remus said.

She sighed.

“Judge me all you want,” she spitted.

He turned to her.

“Lily, I will not judge you. I am your friend,” he said.

She winced. She didn’t know what that even meant.

“How is he for you? Regulus said you are in love,” he said.

Lily blushed. She didn’t want to discuss her love for Severus with someone who didn’t like him.

“Lily, trust me… I don’t want to hurt you. I just need to know,” he said and grabbed her hand.

“Listen, I don’t know why you need to know… I was abandoned by the Order after James broke up with me. I was sold by Dumbledore for Severus in exchange for the prophecy. I had no choice,” she said.

“Lily. I wanted to know if you love him,” Remus said again.

She sighed again.

“Yes. I love him. I love him a lot. He is good to me,” she admitted.

Remus nodded.

“You forgot I was also in love with a Death Eater, Lily,” he said.

She pursed her lips and tried not to cry. Everything was so fucked up. The war destroyed everything.

“I have a request from James,” he said.

Lily tensed and looked at him unsure.

“Lily, the child is his. He just wants to hold him once. He told me to beg you for it,” Remus said.

She shook her head.

“Never. Severus would kill me,” she said.

“He wouldn’t, he loves you,” Remus said.

She hid her face in her hands.

He stroked her back gently.

“I’m really sorry, Lily. I understand. It’s just… He is the father,” Remus said.

“No, Severus is his father. Severus raised him, changed his diapers, fed him, provided for him…” Lily said, angry.

“Lily. Listen. I know, I understand. But James didn’t have a chance…” Remus started.

“God,” Lily whispered.

She wasn’t sure. She looked at Harry. He looked like James. Was it cruel to deprive the man who gave her her son of ever seeing him? She wasn’t sure.

“I will think about it, okay?” she said.

“Lily, we don’t have any form of communication with you. I wished I could get an answer from you…” he said.

“No. Not today. I will send you a message somehow,” she said.

They sat in silence. The wind blew snow on Regulus’ grave.

“I hope you are as happy as Regulus always told me you were,” Remus said.

Lily felt guilt sucking her from the inside.

“I know you judge me from benefiting from all of this. I wished you two could be together,” she said.

“I don’t judge or blame you, Lily,” Remus said.

She sighed and looked him in the eyes to check if he was sincere.

“Well, I am happy. Severus treats me like a princess. But there are things… I have panic attacks. I have anxiety. I’m constantly afraid for my safety. Or his safety. I feel like we don’t belong there, in this society. We weren’t rich. Our blood is impure. I think we are not really established in these circles. Severus is so sure of himself, because Voldemort is so fond of him… But I have a bad feeling. I have an intuition that something bad is going to happen,” she said and her voice broke down.

“No, Lily, shhh… Don’t cry,” he said and hugged her.

She wiped her cheeks.

“You know what I mean… And now, after Regulus is dead…” she whispered.

“Nothing bad is about to happen. Snape is powerful. He has a lot of influence. He will keep you safe, Lily,” Remus said to comfort her.

She rested her head on his arm. She missed her old friends so much. She loved her husband with all her heart, she loved Narcissa, but she was still lonely. She would give so much for the war to end. She wanted the whole wizarding world to live in peace and happiness.

When they left, Lily felt somewhat calmer. She was right, Regulus didn’t kill himself. He fought against Voldemort. The hope in her heart ignited. 

Chapter Text

A couple of days passed. Lily went back to work after visiting the cemetery. She felt significantly better. She knew she wasn’t crazy. Severus lied to her. She wasn’t even mad at him for it to be honest – she knew he didn’t want her to be worried. But alleged suicide of Regulus made her more than worried, it triggered her. The possibility that she could have prevented his death was too much to bear. Right now, she was somehow proud of him and his sacrifice to destroy Voldemort.

She had a feeling that the Dark Lord will not rule for much longer. People were tired by his obsessive ideology and glorification of everything pure blood or related to Slytherin. He was getting more and more crazy. The whole Ministry was gossiping about him. Lily knew that the Order was weak. Voldemort may be going crazy, but his Death Eaters were getting stronger.

She didn’t know who might want to overthrow Voldemort. But she knew something was up. Severus didn’t tell her anything, but she just knew – from the gossips and from the way the Death Eaters kept competing with each other. Lily didn’t worry about it. It wasn’t really changing anything, whoever is going to rule, her situation will remain the same. The establishment needed Severus. He wasn’t liked, but he was respected and useful. He didn’t engage in power plays between the Death Eaters.

Lily learned that Severus never discussed politics with her. He had a saying that he wants to forget about all this bullshit when he is at home. She understood why. He was never the person to plot behind someone’s back, he didn’t want power. He wanted a peaceful life dedicated to knowledge and science.

She loved her husband deeply, but the idea of overthrowing Voldemort sounded tempting. She was almost sure that the prophecy Severus heard and Dumbledore believed – about her child being the one who can defeat Voldemort – was bullshit. She had an impression that his downfall would come sooner than Harry would be able to fight him.

The idea of connecting with her old friends and the Order was tempting. She didn’t know that she missed Remus so much. She hoped she could see him again soon. The James thing… That was something that bothered her. She knew Severus would not be happy about the idea of Harry meeting with his biological father. It wasn’t strange, James oppressed Severus and caused him major trauma and basically made him try and commit suicide.

But the truth was, he was still the father of her child. He still deserved to know Harry and see him. She had no idea how or when she was going to tell her son the truth. It frightened her. She knew Severus and Harry loved each other. Harry felt safe with Severus and Severus was a good and gentle guardian of her little goblin.

She didn’t want to destroy it. She had no idea what to do.

Lily finished working and headed to Severus’ office. They teleported and headed to their bedroom after greeting their son. Lily took off her long cardigan and felt Severus grabbing her waist from the back and pressing his body to hers. She gasped which only made him more aroused. She was somehow into this degrading fantasy that she is an object of his lust and that she was just his pretty thing to fuck.

It wasn’t the truth – of course. She knew she was everything to him. He was an angel no matter how angry or annoying she was. He constantly expressed his gratitude for making him feel unconditionally wanted by her.

He put his one hand in front of her and started lifting up her tight skirt. She grabbed his wrist pulling it down playing an innocent and modest girl, but he was so much more stronger than she was. She knew her fake fighting against his advances only made him more determined and aroused.

“What is it princess, am I too pushy?” he asked her, whispering in his usual baritone.  

She pressed her ass against his crotch and tried to get his hand from gently stroking her through the thin material of her thongs.

“Vice-Minister, we can’t, we might get caught,” she moaned.

He closed his eyes and groaned into her neck.

“So what? Worried your little reputation will be wrecked when someone sees my dick inside you?”

She exhaled, feeling his dick pushing on her ass cheek. It was exciting to be humiliated by him. It was nice to think about how powerful he was when they were in their home, somewhere private. She knew he had a fantasy about screwing her like she was his little assistant or secretary. He got the kick from the idea of abusing his power to get her – which was exactly what he did in the first place.

“Yes, please, I don’t want to be your slut,” she said, begging him.

He would never dare to call her that, but her dirty mouth excited him.

“Who do you want to be then? My pretty thing to fuck?” he asked.

“I want to be your princess,” she said and felt his hand grabbing her breast through her chemise and bra.

“I want to have my cum all over this pretty skirt,” he whispered.

“Please, I want it so much… I want to have it dripping on my stockings,” she said and grinded her ass on his erection.

She heard the sound of his belt unfastening and she leaned on her hands on the bed sticking her ass high. She felt his dick tapping on her and marking it with drops of precum. They didn’t have sex for the last two weeks and Lily couldn’t wait to be fucked by him.

He reached his hand to caress her clit and guided his dick into her. She moaned hard and waited for his move with a heart beating faster from excitement. He started thrusting into her with little moans. She loved when he was so desperate and frantic when he fucked her.

“Am I good?” she asked and pressed the muscles inside her vagina to give him more pleasure.

“Fuck, your pussy is so fucking tight after it wasn’t fucked for long,” he groaned.

“And you wanted to fuck me a lot?” she asked, barely able to breath because of the intensity of this.

“God, I want to fuck you every time I wake up and every time I fall asleep. But you weren’t in the mood,” he said and grabbed her hips with his hand, while the other worked on her swollen clit.

“I wasn’t,” she said and moaned.

“It was so hard to keep my dick in my pants when I was with you, you know? I thought about masturbating, but I wanted to keep my load for you, love,” he said and thrusted so hard she gasped.

“Are you angry that I didn’t offer my pretty pink hole for you when you needed it?” she asked, teasing him.

“I am so fucking frustrated because of it,” he muttered and started fucking her almost brutally.

He felt he was close so he started moving inside her really slow while massaging her wet clit. She came screaming his name and when she was done he took his dick out of her, pushed her on the bed and started jerking off while pressing the tip of his cock to her white creamy checkered Burberry pencil skirt he got her some time ago.

He was glad she didn’t see him, because he was for sure completely pathetic right now. He came all over it spreading his cum on the soft material that covered half of her ass. She was completely covered with it. She pulled her skirt down and stood up on her high heeled boots. She smiled when she felt his sperm coming down her calf while her tights were sticking with her own wetness. She knew he was watching his cum dripping all over her. She turned around and saw her husband completely mesmerized with the sight of her. He was red on his cheeks and he barely could catch a breath.

“So what happened?” she asked softly.

He often demanded more brutal and perverse sex like that when something stressful happened at work and he had to release some of the tension. She didn’t mind and actually liked it. That was the only way to make him feel good and welcomed enough to talk to her about his problems. She took his cheek into her hand and stared into his dark eyes.

“Well, the usual shit. Death Eater’s drama. Nothing interesting,” he sighed.

She came closer and pressed her body to his.

“You can vent, I want to hear about this,” she whispered and stroked his hair looking up.

“They want me to conduct more research into stuff I don’t find very ethical. If the weapon they want is made, we are going to kill each other in the matter of days and the Wizarding society will be gone,” he said.

She nodded.

“You are doing the right thing, Sev,” she said and kissed his lips.

He pulled her closer and clenched the wet and sticky place on her skirt where he came on it. He started unzipping it with his other hand.

“Did you like it?” she asked and closed her eyes, letting herself get lost in his touch.

“Did YOU like it?” he asked back and pushed her skirt up touching her ass where the cum had soaked through the material.

“Of course… Sev, I always like it,” she said and kissed his soft clean shaved cheek.

He kneeled in front of her and started wiping her legs with the clean side of her skirt.

“Poor Dobby… He has to wash this,” Lily said and smiled.

Severus looked up and smiled back at her.

“Lily, he doesn’t mind. Really, don’t worry. He isn’t going to think bad about you, because you sleep with your husband,” he said and tossed the skirt on the floor.

He didn’t stand up for a moment admiring her pussy. It had little red hair all over it, it was pink and red and he could see her sensitive clit trying to peek through her folds. He kissed it and stood up..

“Narcissa said she would be glad to have you over,” he said and brought her a dress to change into.

Lily sat on the bed and put it on.

“Oh, that is lovely. I would gladly visit her, just not today,” she said.

“Why not today?” he asked.

“I’m tired from all the work,” she said.

“You can both go to SPA together and relax,” he suggested.

She smiled.

“That is a lovely idea, actually,” she said and stood up.

“I can take Harry to the Diagon Alley and then we can go and watch a Quidditch match with Lucius and Draco,” he said and sat next to her.

Lily raised her eyebrows and smiled.

“Ha! So this is all about trying to get some free time just for the men. I will not make any issues with that, it’s a perfect idea. You rarely do something for fun with Harry…” Lily said and kissed him on his lips.

Severus lacked two things in his childhood: a father who would love him and enjoy spending time with him and the ability to connect with the Wizarding world. He wanted Harry to have all those things.

One hour later the two of them were strolling through Diagon Alley. They went into the Quality Quidditch Supplies to look through the things that Harry could start practicing with, then they headed to a popular food spot that offered fish and chips, burgers and chicken. It was very popular among the younger people. Severus and Harry went inside and ordered almost everything there was on the menu.

Lily rarely let them eat in places like this, so it was their little secret. Severus heard that people in happy relationships put on weight – he was the living example of it. He ate so much since he and Lily were married. She always had some food cravings and he ate them with her. They both had rather fast metabolism and everything Lily ate came right into her breasts, but Severus suspected she used some potion to make it like that.

He on the other hand was not skinny like a sick person for the first time in his life. He wasn’t fat either, he just put on what was called a dad body. He didn’t mind that his arms grew, that his thighs were thick and his posture was more refined, quite the opposite. Lily never said it, because he hated when she commented on his body, but she loved his new silhouette so much. She loved how warm and big he was. She always had a soft spot for men that were much bigger than her.

Severus helped Harry eat and after they were completely full, they decided to go to the animal shop, because Harry loved looking at them and asking the merchant all his questions. They were his favorite clients, although they never bought his animals. Severus wanted Harry to get his first animal when he started his education at Hogwarts, like the rest of the kids.

“I will choose the cat! No, the owl!” the kid screamed and pointed fingers at different creatures.

The merchant also showed them some spiders, lizards and other little animals that he had. They spent an hour in the shop and then teleported to the stadium to see the game. They got to the VIP lounge and boys started to run around and play while everyone waited for the game to start. Severus grabbed a glass of whiskey they had prepared for them and gave one to his friend.

“I can’t deal with this sick fucker Mulciber anymore,” Lucius sighed.

Severus nodded.

“I agree. Those motherfuckers never know their bloody place,” Severus said and frowned.

“You know they are trying to use this situation with Regulus to further destabilize the government? They are out of their minds. Voldemort will torture them and kill them on the spot if he notices something’s up with those idiots,” he said.

Severus pursed his lips trying to think of a solution.

“I think we just have to disconnect from those circles as much as possible. It’s not safe. Voldemort is pissed that Regulus destroyed his artifact. I’m worried he will try and take vengeance on me or Narcissa. Bellatrix fortunately showed some Blacks solidarity and is painting Regulus as a deviant who is nothing like the rest of the family so maybe this shit doesn’t bounce back right in our faces,” Lucius said.

“I think we should just focus on work. Voldemort knows we are the only two people in his whole little cult that have more than two brain cells on a good day. He needs killing machines but he needs our intellect more,” Severus answered.

“Hopefully. Your Department is thriving. You can tell Rosier to fuck himself in the ass next time he asks for the new poisons of mass destruction,” Lucius said and drunk some of his alcohol.

The game was about to start so they took their seats. The boys came closer to the barrier to see anything, because they were so little.

“And Lily? How’s she feeling?” Lucius asked.

Severus smiled.

“She is better. I don’t know what it is. I was back from work like three days ago and she was normal again. I’m so glad she isn’t digging the Regulus case anymore,” he said.

Lucius looked at him and also smiled.

“You fucked her right before you came here, huh?” he asked.

Severus knew that Lucius didn't want to tease him, he just loved talking about their women. They both trusted each other enough to discuss their love life openly.

“What? Is it so obvious?” Severus asked and drank some of his whiskey.

“Severus, I’ve known you for so many years. I’m older. I know the look on a man’s face when he had fucked his wife good,” he said, “also no amount of the work I’ve done to make you feel less insecure could do to you what she does when she opens up her legs. There is something about her that works really well on you.”

Severus nodded. His friend was right.

“And how’s Cissy?” he asked.

“Like always. Perfect. In every sense,” he said and smiled knowingly to him.

Severus smiled.

Chapter Text

The days passed one after another. The cold winter melted into the gloomy and gray pre-spring. Lily couldn’t stop thinking about the life she once had. She observed her husband closely. He had so many secrets. She barely knew what he did in the Ministry. She barely even knew what he does when he sits in his office alone. She knew he would not tell her. She tried to ask him already. But he wanted to keep her out of those stuff.

Would it be unfair if she had one small secret hidden from him? He was made of mysteries. She sometimes felt like being a wife to a stranger who treats her like a princess… But still. He didn’t tell her the true reason why Regulus died. He basically lied to her. She had thoughts like that more and more often.

She was playing with Harry when he came back from a Sunday Death Eaters meeting. He greeted them, kissed Lily then Harry on the forehead and went to his office. He seemed tired and worried.

Lily had a feeling something is happening in the Ministry and he hides it from her. She was sure he knew much more about Voldemort and his plans. Harry was occupied with some toys, so she went to the window and casted a Patronus charm. A doe appeared.

“Tell Remus to come to Regulus’ grave tomorrow,” she demanded and sighed.

She was missing her old life and her old friends. She loved Harry and loved Severus, but at the same time she was feeling like she was suffocating from all the issues that the Ministry had and all the insanity that Voldemort had shown.

She waited for Severus to come to her at night till two in the morning. He was surprised that she was still awake with a book on her lap. His chemise was already unbuttoned and he was about to take it off. She watched him interested. He winced a little uncomfortable and turned to the big wardrobe where he had his nightshirt. Lily watched his muscular and lean back.

She felt weird that she was always naked on his wish and he was not able to undress in front of her even though she was his wife for years. She knew he had his trauma and all and he had a wound he didn’t want her to see, but still. She sometimes wondered if their marriage is really that perfect as it seemed for all the people around them.

She waited until he comes to the bed and lays down with her. He turned and ran his hand on his hair. She watched him in awe. Something about him, his boyish charm mixed with dark masculinity made him so irresistible. He laid down and turned off the light. The moon didn’t shine and the night was completely dark.

Lily came closer to him and put her hand on his chest massaging him gently.

“What were you doing for the whole day, darling?” she asked.

“I cannot tell you,” he answered and closed his eyes, trying to relax under her sweet touch.

“I’m only good for keeping your bed warm, but not for sharing your life with,” she said bitterly.

He sighed. He didn’t like when she was in a bad mood.

“Love, I would share it with you if I could. I share everything with you. Nobody has ever been as close to me as you are,” he said.

She didn’t answer for a moment and just caressed his chest.

“It doesn’t mean I’m in fact close to you,” she said and pressed her cheek to his arm.

“If you were able to comprehend the love I have for you, Lily, you would never doubt my vulnerability, sincerity and openness that I have for you,” he said.

“So I’m too stupid to understand,” she said.

“Don’t twist my words. It’s just… You don’t know what it’s like to have your whole happiness depend on one person,” he said.

“I think I know it quite well,” she said.

He didn’t answer at first. He put his hand on hers and pressed it hard to his chest.

“I’m sorry that you do, Lily. I wished I could give you a better life. The one that would satisfy you. I wish I could be better for you,” he said and looked at her with his dark eyes.

“Don’t be silly,” she said and kissed his lips briefly.

He knew she was happy for now. She turned and he spooned her, inhaling the scent of her hair.

They barely woke up to work the next morning. Lily especially had a hard time to keep her eyes open. That’s why it surprised Severus that she told him she had plans to go for a coffee with her friends from the office after work.

He had one big issue with himself that he couldn’t control: he was extremely jealous and afraid that she was going to cheat on him. He spied on her often. He checked her wand for the last used spells. He read her letters. He went through her things on a daily basis. He knew how other Death Eaters and men who dared looked at her. He knew that she could find someone interested in a matter of minutes. It terrified him.

So of course, when she told him that she is going to go to the coffee shop with her friends he decided to check that. He monitored where she went after the work day ended. He saw her leaving and appearing in the Blacks cemetery. He went after her hoping she wasn't going to notice him. He saw her approaching Regulus’ grave. She waited for some time and then Remus Lupin, the Werewolf appeared. Severus frowned. She couldn’t cheat on him with Remus. He was Regulus’ lover.

He watched them for a minute and teleported back to their home. If she wished to talk with Remus, then be it. They probably still were grieving Regulus. That made sense.

What disturbed Severus was the fact that Lily lied to him. He rarely caught her. He kind of understood why she didn’t tell him she was meeting with Remus, he didn’t like him. But he was her husband after all. He had to worry about her safety.

Remus was a member of the Order of Phoenix which meant she had contact with them. Severus winced and clenched his fists instinctively. She could have contact with James Potter. His heart almost skipped a beat when he thought about this possibility. He looked at Harry eating his dinner. He wished they could be a perfect family Lily always dreamed and told him about. But they were completely out of place. He was working for Voldemort, she was still his prisoner and they were raising another man’s child.

He took Harry into his arms. He couldn’t believe this clever and beautiful boy could share his DNA with such a stupid jerk like James. Harry looked at his dad. He smiled and leaned on his arm, hugging him. Severus closed his eyes and stroked the child's back.

“I love you,” he whispered softly.

But Harry fell asleep in his father’s strong and steady arms. There was no place where Harry felt safer than there. Severus took him into his bed and closed the door. He went to his office and started writing letters he had to send to the other Death Eaters. He was always so busy. He had to answer their stupid research requests after work, because if he didn’t he wouldn’t finish sitting in his Ministry office till nine.

To be honest, today he worked so hard to keep his mind away from what Lily did to him. He knew he was paranoid. But to be honest… She seemed unhappy lately. Maybe she was looking for something that she wasn’t able to find here, in his arms. Intrusive thoughts took over him. They were like a dagger stuck in his heart.

He knew it was pointless to torture himself without a proof that she was cheating or considering cheating on him.

Lily came back after two hours. She went straight to her bed and laid there. Her head was dizzy. The talk with Remus was intense. She wanted to cry but she didn’t want her husband noticing that something isn’t right.

She felt like all of her old mistakes were coming at her at once. She knew that James had the right to see his child. She knew it was unfair that she didn’t even tell him that she had Harry. She didn’t even try to reach out to him. On the other hand they weren’t together when she knew she was pregnant.

It was all so complicated and hard to figure out. Maybe it was the best that Harry will see James as a little boy so he wouldn’t remember him that much and he will not understand who he was. Lily was lost. She wished she could just ask Severus, but she knew what his answer would be. James was his abuser, his bully. He crushed his life. Lily didn’t want her husband to worry about meeting the man he despised the most in the world.

She lit a cigarette to help her gather her thoughts. She asked Dobby for dinner, because she decided to eat in bed. Harry joined her when he woke up from his nap. She smiled and hugged her little prince hard. They talked about their day and ate. Lily watched Harry thinking how much she loves him and how he changed her life for the better. She loved being a mom.

She went to put him to sleep after some play time and went back to the bedroom. She started reading a novel, when Severus came. He was more worried than usual. The wrinkles on his face were even deeper than usual.

“How was the coffee with your friends?” he asked, trying to appear normal.

She smiled at him innocently.

“Well, nice as always. And how was your day?” she asked while he changed.

He was happy she wasn’t able to see his face. He gritted his teeth. Nothing made him more mad than lies. But he calmed himself down. She can’t suspect anything if he was about to know the truth.

“Busy,” he said and laid in the bed.

He noticed she was thinking about something intensively and she was nervous. He leaned towards her wanting to kiss her, but she backed off.

“I’m sleepy, not today,” she said.

Severus felt as if a dagger went right through his stomach.

“Okay, love. Goodnight,” he said, trying to appear indifferent.

“Goodnight,” she said and yawned.

Severus slept for maybe two hours that night. He was overthinking everything Lily said and done through the past weeks. He could see something changed since she saw James and Sirius in the crowd. She was probably missing her old life and her old friends. He wasn’t enough for her.

When Lily woke up Severus was already at work. He left her a note explaining himself. She sighed but got up and went to the kitchen. She started reading some newspapers, but stopped after she remembered that those days the newspapers were just a propaganda tube for Voldemort. There was almost no normal information there. Just lies and manipulation.

She looked through the window at the naked trees dancing in the cold wind. She sighed. She had to make up her mind about meeting James. She drank some of her coffee.

When she finished breakfast, she sent a message to Remus with the information about where James can meet her and Harry. Her hands were shaky but she was sure she was doing the right thing.

Lily couldn’t bear the thought that one day Harry will know the truth and he will hate her for what she had done. She had a message back pretty quick.

James agreed to meet with them.

Chapter Text

Lily picked a café where she and James sat often before the war started for good. She didn’t want this whole thing to be romantic, that was just the only Muggle place in London she remembered well enough to get there without getting lost. She saw herself in some shop’s window. She didn’t look like a normal Londoner. Her long green dress, hair that already reached her bum, eyes full of anxiety were not common  here. She dressed Harry nicely and made sure his locks stayed in place. She wanted to make sure that James would know she takes care of their kid well.

She entered the place and saw him by the table. Her heart started beating faster and she noticed her hands were sweaty. There was no way of backing off from this now. She took Harry’s little hand and walked towards her old lover feeling her knees were made of cotton candy. She couldn’t manage to look him in the eyes. She suddenly felt his arms wrapped around her in a warm hug. She gasped, but hugged him back. His smell filled her with memories. He still used the same cologne. It was comforting. They stayed like that for a long, long time.

“I missed you, Lily,” he whispered into her hair.

“I know. Me too,” she said.

She missed him indeed. She missed their last Hogwarts years together. She missed still believing that they might win. She missed being innocent, naïve, free.

She made a step back, but it seemed like they couldn’t let themselves go. His hands stayed on her waist and hers still were on his shoulders. She turned and looked at Harry, who was quite confused. She kneeled by her son to be on his eye level. James did the same.

“He has your eyes,” James said.

His voice almost broke.

“He has your everything else,” she said and smiled.

When Harry was standing so close to James their resemblance was truly astonishing.

“We have to order something. What Harry likes to eat?” he asked.

“Anything with chocolate. I would like some calming herbs,” she asked him.

James nodded and went to the counter to order their food and drinks.

She watched him from afar. He didn’t lose any of his beauty or charm. He was so tall, so well put together. He was radiating self-confidence. His movements were effortless, but elegant in some way. She hoped Harry would grow out to look like him. She felt guilty, but she wouldn’t wish for her son to look like Severus. She loved him and she loved how he looked, but life was just easier when you were pretty. James was back in a moment with a cup of tea for her, chocolate cake and cola for Harry and double americano for him. Lily felt awkward when he sat down. She had no idea how to start this conversation.

“So how is he?” James asked.

Lily woke up from her thoughts.

“Who?” she asked.

“Harry of course,” James asked.

“Ohh… Yes. Harry is a great kid. Very bright. He is very polite,” she said.

“What does he like to do? What is his favorite color?” he asked.

Lily had to think for some time. She didn’t really know… Severus remembered stuff like this.

“He likes green. He has a lot of green clothes,” she smiled.

James’ face became gloomy for a second. He was aware that Voldemort’s entourage had to dress in either black, silver or green. Slytherin colors.

“Oh! And he loves magic. He is so talented. So gifted!” she added.

He smiled at her.

“Good. I knew he would be,” James said and drank some of his coffee.

Silence lingered between them.

“How does Snape treat you?” James asked.

Lily looked away at the busy London’s street. She hoped they would avoid the topic of her husband.

“He is very good. He loves us very much,” she said.

James sighed.

“Remus told me that you are very attached to him,” he said.

“I am in love with him,” she told him sharply.

They looked at each other with cold stares for a moment.

“I know you, Lily. I know he broke you. You think that because he kidnapped you and manipulated you,” James said.

“That’s not true. He was good for me,” she said.

“Lily, it’s not uncommon for a victim of kidnapping to feel something for the kidnapper,” he said.

“I don’t have Stockholm syndrome. I’m happy,” she said, although they both knew she was not happy. And she was not so sure if she loved Severus because she didn’t have another option. She didn’t know anything.

“You don’t seem happy. What is going on? Maybe I would be able to help you,” he said in a warm and friendly tone.

She lifted her gaze. She needed it. She needed help and she needed his empathy. She felt tears coming.

“I just have no idea what’s going on. He doesn’t tell me anything,” she said, feeling tears running on her cheeks.

He extended his arm towards her and stroked her soft hand. She started hyperventilating. She drank some of her tea to calm herself down.

“He doesn’t tell you because he must be ashamed. If he has any sense of shame in his damn heart at all. The ministry is becoming a bloody dictatorship. They pull the strings on Muggle politicians. Bellatrix Lestrange is in charge of the police. She tortures people for any mild offense. Voldemort started executing his own Death Eaters. It is believed that your husband is helping him prepare a potion strong enough to manipulate masses into submission. That’s what he is working on in his Department,” he said.

She winced ugly. That was terrible.

“How do you know all of this?” she asked him.

“We have our spies. Voldemort's rule is at its weakest point. Everyone turns their backs on him. Even his most loyal followers. Of course Snape is an exception. He is never going to turn on the person who gave him you, Lily,” he said bitterly.

“Severus saved me. I would have been killed if it was not for him,” she said.

“He bought you from Voldemort,” he said.

“He bought me from Dumbledore,” she said sharply.

“You truly believe that?” James asked.

“I do. I was not Dumbledore’s favorite. It was an easy trade. After you broke up with me nobody cared that much about me. Dumbledore sold me and that’s why you had enough time to escape,” she said.

Lily knew she was right. Dumbledore sacrificed her, so the Death Eaters could focus on kidnapping her for Severus. She was just a distraction.

“You didn’t tell me that you have my kid,” James said accusingly.

He also knew she was right. It made sense. But he was not going to feel guilty when she also did something wrong.

“Harry is Severus’” she said.

James laughed with irony.

“He is my son,” he said.

“Severus is in all the paperwork, his birth certificate. He slowed down the pregnancy so people would believe Harry was conceived by him,” she said.

“No magic is able to hide the obvious,” James said.

She sighed.

“So what if he is biologically yours?” she asked him

James smiled..

“I’m glad you asked. I came here to give you a proposition. You can grab my hand and we can teleport to Order’s hiding place right now. You could raise Harry with me. I will take care of both of you,” he said and offered his hand.

She looked at him disturbed.

“But that would mean I would never see Severus!” she cried.

“At least our son would not be raised under Voldemort’s rule. By a Death Eater. How are you going to explain all of this to Harry when he grows up?” he asked.

Lily knew James was manipulating her to get what he wanted. She knew he didn’t want her. He wanted Harry. He wanted to take revenge against Severus. She looked at his hand. She had no idea if it would be better for her son to be raised by the Order or by her and Severus. She noticed she was crying again. She didn’t want to be a bad mother. She knew Voldemort could turn on them any moment and then she and Harry might be killed. They were not valuable for the Dark Lord at all.

“Lily, there is a prophecy that Harry will kill Voldemort. He is our hope,” James told her and moved his hand closer to her.

“I know,” she said and her voice broke. Her eyes became blurry and she started weeping.

That’s why she didn’t notice the moment when Severus and Lucius walked inside the café. The whole place became silent. Lily wiped her eyes and lifted her gaze to see Severus above her, giving her a stare that could kill her. His dark eyes were casting lightning. His lips were twisted in an ugly grimace. She felt her heart drop. She wanted to puke. She turned to James. Lucius grabbed him by the arm and made him stand up. James was so surprised that he didn’t even manage to draw his wand.

“Did you like our little trap we set up?” Lucius said.

James kept his mouth open, not able to gather his thoughts. Severus didn’t say anything at all. He grabbed Harry into his arms not caring that the chocolate on the kid’s hands and mouth was on his robes. He turned and went after Lucius to leave the café. Lily ran after them, although she felt like she could collapse on the ground any moment.

“Was this a trap, Lily!?” she heard James’ voice, but she didn’t even look at him.

She stood in front of Severus and looked at him, while Lucius cuffed him.

“I’m sorry,” she said in a weak voice.

Severus’ face didn’t even move. He was like stone.

“I really… I didn’t…” she muttered.

“I would rather you killed me in my sleep than see you considering leaving me for him,” he said slowly.

James laughed.

“So it wasn’t a trap! Your wife met me behind your back!” James shouted, but he was quickly silenced with Lucius fist breaking his nose. His moaning and cries made Harry cry.

“I didn’t consider it,” she said.

“Don’t lie to me. You were,” he said.

She sighed. Yes, she was.

“I will take him to the Ministry,” Lucius said and teleported.

Lily felt the ground beneath her legs was collapsing. It was only her, Severus and Harry on an empty sidewalk.

“I love you,” she said and made a step towards him.

“Don’t insult me any further with your lies. We have to go home. I have a busy evening thanks to you,” he said and grabbed her hand, teleporting them into their home.

Lily felt that she couldn’t breathe at all. Severus put Harry in his room and gave him toys to play with. She stood there in the hallway, not able to say a word.

He passed her like nothing. She grabbed his dark cloak.

“Severus, please. I just wanted him to see Harry,” she said in a weak voice.

“You lied to me. My heart is no longer open for you,” he said and left the house, teleporting straight to the Ministry.

Chapter Text

Lily couldn’t stop crying. She was so ashamed that she hid the meeting with James from Severus. She was so stupid. Now she broke her husband’s heart and endangered the biological father of her son. Death Eaters might torture him or execute him publicly. And it would be all her fault. She loved Severus so much she couldn’t breathe. But it was not enough. She had no idea what was going on. He was constantly hiding something. She was tired of lies. She didn’t want to be protected anymore, she had to know the truth.

However, now she was not close to finding it out. Severus hated her. He would never want to speak with her again. She hoped he would forgive her soon. Time heals all wounds. It would heal him. She couldn’t wait for him to finally come back from work and talk with her. She fell asleep, because all the stress and crying made her tired.

When she opened her eyes Severus was sitting in his usual clothes at the edge of the bed, facing the wall.

“Get dressed,” he ordered her and pointed to a dress that was hanging from the bedframe.

“Severus…” she started and her eyes were already filled with tears.

“Don’t. We have to attend the execution. We have to bring Harry, because Voldemort will make a Horcrux out of him,” he announced.

Lily frowned.

“What? What is that?” she asked.

“The Dark Lord will give Harry a small part of his soul,” Severus said.

Her heart filled with panic. Her sweet little boy possessed by Voldemort? That was just terrible. She wanted to scream.

“This is… why… how?” she asked him.

“Because he can. Because he wants to punish you. And he wants to punish me for not keeping an eye on you,” he said.

Lily felt waves of immense guilt flowing through her. She closed her eyes and felt tears just fall from her cheeks.

“Has he done this before?” she asked him while swallowing the tears.

“Never with another human being,” Severus said.

She wept openly.

“He has to kill someone to do this. He will kill your beloved Potter. There is a calming potion on your bedside table so you will be able to behave during all of this,” he said, all words cold and sharp.

She took the vial. She was not sure if she wanted to do this drugged. But she was not able to do this fully aware. She sighed and drank the whole thing. She leaned on the pillow feeling the potion work instantly. She opened her eyes.

“Severus. Please, forgive me,” she whispered.

He looked at her with a lot of pain. She was not able to bear his gaze for long.

“I can’t. Everyone else, yes. But not Potter,” he said and left the room.

She noticed she was not able to cry more. The potion worked. All her emotions were muted. She put on a dark green gown that shimmered in the morning sun. It was very heavy and stiff. She wore it and noticed it was too loose. She tightened the corset more. She looked like she was lobotomized. Her face was empty, her eyes were emotionless. She walked out. Severus was playing with Harry. She heard his soothing voice. At least he still loved her son.

He took Harry up and they went outside of the house. Lily grabbed Severus’ arm and they teleported together to the ministry. He led them to a part of the building Lily had never even been to or heard about. They entered a big oval room. At the end of it there sat James dressed in a black robe. He noticed them. His eyes stayed at Lily. She gave the last kiss to Harry, holding his little body close to her and at the same time being very close to Severus she could smell his fragrance. Severus took Harry out of her embrace and placed him on the seat next to James.

“How does it feel to raise my son, you cuck?” James muttered into Severus’ direction.

“The same how it feels to fuck Lily. It’s delicious. I’m glad I’ll have the chance to watch Harry grow old,” Severus said.

“He will never be yours,” James said.

Severus made a step away from Harry, but the kid clenched his cloak in his little hands.

“Dada, stay!” he cried.

Severus almost smiled. Being called dad in front of James by Harry was wonderful.

“Don’t worry. We will eat ice cream after, okay? Dada and moma are going to get you right back,” Severus whispered and kissed Harry’s forehead.

He turned to go back to Lily. She gave him a blank stare. Severus loved her and hated her so much right in this moment. He put his hand on her back and led her to their places. Lucius nodded at them. Narcissa gave Lily a sympathetic look. She was angry at her for what she had done to Severus. But Narcissa was also a mother. She couldn’t imagine how awful it must be to watch her son be used as a Horcrux by Voldemort.

Before the Dark Lord entered, the whole room was filled with photographers and propaganda specialists. Lily turned her head. The flashes were hurting her eyes. When she turned back, she noticed James was looking at her. Voldemort came through the door. Everyone stood up. He was still having his eyes locked on her. Voldemort casted his spell.

Lily couldn’t look but also couldn’t close her eyes. James fell on the ground dead. A part of Voldemort’s soul traveled into Harry and entered his head and his chest. Voldemort walked to her child and took him to present the Death Eaters with his new Horcrux. Severus put his hand on her back and led her forwards. They passed James’ dead body. Voldemort gave Harry back to Severus. The Death Eaters cheered. Lily stroked her child’s hair and smiled. Harry didn’t change much. Or so she hoped.

Then they went to a small banquet. Lily felt the potion’s effect weakening. She was suddenly struck with anxiety. She held Harry closer. She couldn’t get rid of the sight of James dead on the ground. She wanted to go back and say sorry to him. He died because of her stupidity. Severus noticed she was trembling and made her sit down.

He didn’t give her enough on purpose. He wanted her to suffer. He watched her sobbing quietly with satisfaction. He held Harry close to him so he wouldn’t see his mother in that state. But he really wanted to watch her now. She wanted to watch the pain clench her throat and twist her inside. She started rocking back and forth slowly, trying to calm herself down.

Severus was sure that she was in love with James. That was evident for him. She was grieving him. But now he was dead and she was his. She was on his mercy. He didn’t want to hurt her. He just wanted her to be aware that she dared hurt the man whose property she was. He wanted her to feel as powerless as he felt every time he thought about the fact that she would never love him more than Potter.

He knew they were making a show out of themselves. He didn’t care. Voldemort was already away. Narcissa walked towards Lily and took her by the arms to the restroom. She was very angry at her for what she did to Severus. But she believed that Lily didn’t have bad intentions. That she just wanted to do what she considered right. She was also relieved that this whole thing caused Voldemort to pick Harry for his Horcrux and not Draco. Lucius told her that the Dark Lord wanted to pick from them two.

She let Lily cry on her shoulder, then helped her wash her face and came back.

When they were away, Lucius came to Severus.

“Don’t beat yourself up about it,” he said.

Severus didn’t say anything.

“He is dead. Whatever connected them earlier is gone. You can use this to your advantage,” he said.

“I don’t want her if she wants him,” Severus said.

“You do want her. You wanted her even when she was with him, Severus. You want her now,” Lucius said.

Severus clenched his fingers on his glass so hard he almost broke it. He wanted her now. He wanted to storm inside the restroom, tell Narcissa to go away, he wanted to shout at her that she was his now and that James was dead and there was nothing she could do about it. He wanted to make her hurt, he wanted her to understand that now she could only rely on him. He wanted her to know all of this and he wanted her to love him. To truly, truly love him. He could make her his slave and use her. But that would mean nothing.

“Severus, Potter is dead. It’s over. You won,” Lucius said, seeing his friend get more tense.

“I didn’t win if she still loves him,” he said.

“She doesn’t love him,” he said.

“So she has to prove it. Before she proves me that she truly loves me more then I’ll forgive her,” Severus said.

“As you wish. But we both know you would be happier if you just forget about it. You have a lot of work. With Harry. The Dark Lord has to be sure that you take good care of his Horcrux,” Lucius said.

Severus sighed.

“I will see what can be done. Right now… Right now I’m in pain,” he said.

Lucius placed his hand on his friend’s shoulder.

“I can see that,” he said.

Their wives came back. By the way Lily looked at Severus neither Lucius nor Narcissa could doubt that she was truly in love with him.

“I will help you, if you need anything,” Narcissa whispered to Lily so Severus wouldn’t hear her.

Lily nodded with gratitude. The only thing she could beg Narcissa for was to convince Severus to forgive her.

They hung around with other Death Eaters for another fifteen minutes and came back home. Lily came back to their bedroom and started taking off her dress. Severus took Harry to his room and went to his office. Lily laid in bed for some time, trying to rest after all those terrible things happened. They ate dinner together, all three of them. Severus didn’t even look at her.

She promised herself that she would go to him in the evening to talk with him. She hoped he would just come to her at night. She knew he couldn’t reject her when they were in bed. That’s why he had no desire to sleep with her until things were going to get sorted out. When midnight came, she came to his office. He took one look at her and came back to writing. He was never more unattainable than he was now. She was afraid of him. He noticed that, but didn’t speak to her first.

“Severus. I regret doing that,” she started.

“You regret being caught,” he said in a cold voice.

She pursed her lips. It was not easy to argue with him when he was right.

“I was just… so stupid. I’m so sorry. I thought you would never find out. I just wanted Harry to meet his father,” she said.

“I am his father,” he said and frowned.

Lily felt her heart skip a beat.

“I’m sorry, yes, you are… I’m sorry. I just want to say I’m sorry. If you want anything from me,” she said.

“What do you have to offer?” he asked her with a note of irony in his tone.

She looked at him hopelessly, her voice stuck in her throat.

“I… well, you can do what you want with me. I’m all yours. I would love to make you feel better,” she said, knowing she sounded so pathetic.

“The problem is I don’t want to touch you anymore. I don’t even want to share a bed with you” he said.

It was a lie. A disgusting, big lie. He wanted her. He wanted to fuck her so much she would forget about James. But he wanted to suffer more. If his misery equaled her pain, he wanted to be miserable.

She swallowed hard, trying not to burst out with tears.

“I’m sorry to waste your time then,” she said and went out of his room.

Severus gritted his teeth. It would be really hard to treat her that way. But he still had the image of her hugging James for a minute in front of his eyes. They looked so lovely together. They looked like a perfect couple. And with Harry… Yes. He had to destroy it. He was the one to suggest Harry for Horcrux. He was the one to suggest James be killed in the process of it. Severus thought that seeing James dead would be more pleasurable. It wasn’t. All he could think was Lily. She broke his heart. She was responsible for all this mess.

So why did he feel so guilty?

Chapter Text

Two days passed. Lily was in hell. She spent her days caring for Harry, as this was the only productive thing she could do. It also gave her a reason not to cry for the whole day in her room. She tried to look for signs that Voldemort’s soul was now inside of her son, but she could not find any.

Severus passed her in the house, he ate dinner with them, but he didn’t even look at her. She became afraid of him. He grew so bitter and full of pain. She was too anxious to breathe properly when he was around. She could sense how angry he was with her. She knew she crossed the line. Not Potter. Everyone, but not Potter. She knew what he meant. She knew how it looked from his perspective.

But she truly didn’t love James anymore. She just felt so guilty that she had not told him that she had his son. She was so afraid that Harry would hate her for isolating him from James. Now it didn’t matter. James was dead.

She was partly relieved that he was. Severus was probably also relieved that his abuser and enemy was no longer alive. Lily hoped that it could make her husband forgive her faster. At the end… it was not like she had an affair. She just did a stupid thing behind his back. He had trillions of secrets! She knew it was not the same… However, she wished he could just understand it from her perspective. She wished he would believe her that she loved him truly.

One time he touched her hand because he was getting a cup of tea from her, she thought she was going to burst into tears. She missed his hands. She missed sleeping by his side. She missed his love and affection. She couldn’t survive long without it. He noticed that and almost gave up on his promise to not forgive her until she proves that she loved him. He wanted to hug her and tell her that it’s all right, that there is no need to cry. But he quickly remembered when he saw her with Potter. And his heart was hard as stone again.

She was so afraid of him when his eyes were casting lightning and he was frowning with so much disdain. She knew he was suffering more than her. She wished he could just get it all out, scream at her, insult her, call her a whore, threaten her, but he just was not like that. He was calm, he boiled up everything inside him, so if he was hurt he was the only one bearing the effects of it. It was not good. She deserved to be punished. Being punished would bring her peace. Guilt was slowly eating her alive.

Next day she woke up with a weird feeling that something was not right. She could hear people scream, she heard the spells being casted. She looked out of the window and almost fainted. There was Sirius and Remus and some other people she was not able to recognize trying to break the protective shield Severus made around their house. She took her wand in her shaking hands and went to see if Harry was all right. The kid was sleeping soundly, clenching his plushie in his hands. She exhaled, trying to calm herself down and went to see if Severus was there. But of course – he was at work.

She decided to cast a Patronus to Severus. She searched through her memory… She chose their first time making love. The Patronus was bright and big. She told it to get to Severus and make him come home as fast as he could, because she was in danger. She didn’t know what more she could say… She just wanted him to be there. The ground shook and she felt another shield collapse.

Lily decided to go outside and try and do something in case Severus wouldn’t want to come to her or just couldn’t leave his work. She went to the door on shaking legs and opened it. She hoped they didn’t break the shield that made the house invisible. Unfortunately, that was the first they broke.

“Evans!” Sirius yelled, “Grab Harry and get out of here,” he ordered her sharply.

She stood there with her wand in her hand, not sure what to do.

“Lily, what are you waiting for? We have to go,” Lupin said to her.

She raised her wand up.

“Go away,” she said in an anxious and nervous voice.

Sirius laughed.

“I told you she is already on their side!” Sirius shouted.

“Just leave my family alone,” she said, more begging than demanding.

She knew she was pathetic. But that was her only chance. She was not sure if Severus even plans on coming to save her. He hated her. He probably couldn’t care less about her.

“Give us Harry and we will leave. We want him. He is James’ child,” Remus said.

She felt tears running on her cheek.

“He is my child. And even if you got him…” she stopped. Harry was a Horcrux. They would have to kill Harry to defeat Voldemort.

“Okay, we offered to do this nicely. We didn’t treat you like a traitor, however we should have. Now you are going to die or you’ll give him to us,” Sirius shouted.

She gasped. Another shield was down.

She closed her eyes and prayed that Severus would come at time. She opened them and with a short click he apparated on the next side of the building. She run towards him and hid her face in his robes.

“What is going on?” he asked her.

“We came for her and the kid! And we came to kill you. For James!” Sirius shouted.

Severus placed his hand on Lily’s back, while she sobbed loudly.

“Go home. I’ll take care of them,” he told her in a tone that was firm, but at the same time very warm.

She opened her eyes wider.

“I’ll stay to help you. There are a lot of them,” she said.

He grabbed her arms and leaned towards her to look her in the eyes.

“Go home, don’t look out of the windows. This is an order, do you understand me or should I use Imperio on you?” he asked her.

He tried to make her calm down a bit. He was afraid she was not going to make it to the front door, because she was shaking so hard.

“Yes,” she whispered in a weak voice.

He kissed her lips, tasting the saltiness of her tears. His cool mouth was soothing against her hot skin. She wanted to grab him and kiss him more, she wanted to hug him, tell him that she loved him, but he jerked her away from him and turned to Remus and Sirius.

She went home and shut the door. Severus casted the silencing spell so she was not able to hear anything. She laid on her bed and curled under the comforters. She was so frightened. What if Sirius breaks the shields, kills Severus and then her and then he takes Harry? That would be so awful. She closed her eyes hoping that the person who comes through the door would be Severus.

Her wish was granted. He came inside shortly. The shields let him cast the killing curse from the inside, so he managed to kill Sirius. Remus escaped. He killed two people that accompanied them. That was a good feeling to have James and Sirius dead. It was a better feeling to have Lily safe in her bed.

She turned to him when she heard him open the door.

“Tell me how it went. From start to finish,” he ordered her.

She sat on the bed feeling stings in her chest. He kissed her, but that might not mean he loved her again and that he forgave her fully.

“I… woke up because I heard them. I checked on Harry. Then I sent you the Patronus. And then I went outside,” she said.

“Were you talking with them?” Severus asked.

“I was. They told me to get Harry and come with them,” she said.

“And you didn’t,” he said.

She didn’t answer for a moment, because she was already crying and her throat was clenched.

“I didn’t. I was afraid you would not come and they would kill me, but I didn’t want to come with them,” she sobbed.

Severus clenched his teeth.

“Why didn't you want to come with them even though they told you they would kill you otherwise?” he asked.

She wiped her cheeks and tried to breath to calm herself down, but instead she started hyperventilating.

“I was just… I was… I am in love with you. I couldn't live without you. I didn’t want to leave,” she sobbed.

She hid her face in the covers and started crying hysterically. Severus looked at her. He didn’t know if this was enough to forgive her. He knew nothing was going to be like before. But something inside him made him more sure of her love that he had ever been. He exhaled slowly and started unbuttoning his coat. Lily turned anxiously and sat on the bed.

“What are you doing, Severus?” she asked him.

“I am giving you what you want,” he told her and folded the black woolen coat on the chair by the bed.

She looked at him paralyzed, not able to process what he was doing.

“We will make love and then I can tell you everything,” he said and took off his buttoned shirt.

Lily was too anxious to even protest. She always wanted him to undress fully, but she didn’t know if today was a good day for that. She just watched him take off piece by piece. His body was pale, red in some places, but it was also smooth and it looked really soft. He sat down to remove his underwear and socks. Lily pondered his back. He had a lot of scars there, but she really loved this part of his body. She wanted to press her cheek to it and hug him from the back, but she was not able to move at all. He turned to her and went under the covers, waiting for her to touch him when she would be ready.

Lily wanted to cry but she knew this was not the moment for it. She came closer and put her hands on his chest, caressing him. She noticed he was very, very nervous. She took her night dress off quickly and laid on top of him, pressing her body to his. After years of wanting him like that he finally gave her it. She kissed his lips awkwardly, not able to tell if he was ready for it or if he wanted it.

It was quite cold outside. The spring didn’t come in her full reign yet. The feel of skin rubbing against skin was so surprisingly pleasant for both of them. Severus was pressing Lily’s chest to his so hard she could barely breathe, but she didn’t mind at all. They rolled on the bed so he could be on top. She wrapped her thighs around his hips and put her hands on his back. They stared into each other’s eyes.

“How could you think I could abandon you in danger?” he asked her.

She blinked so she would not cry. Her green eyes were glazed with tears. She moved her hands to caress his bare chest. She could not remember when was the last time she could see it.

“You were so angry at me. I was sure you didn’t love me anymore,” she said.

“My life might have been easier if I did not love you. But it wouldn’t be as good as it is with you in my heart. I wanted to push you out of it many times. And you always find a way inside,” he said and smiled.

Lily felt tears running on her temples. She was never this close to him and he was never this vulnerable in front of her. She knew she didn’t deserve it. She didn’t deserve his forgiveness, she didn’t deserve his bare skin pressed to her. However, she was so grateful for it. He kissed her lips and moved on her slightly, pushing her body onto the mattress. She closed her eyes and started scratching his arms, just like he liked. She felt his erection pressing on her thigh. It was so heavenly to have him so close. His hand traveled between them until he found her pussy. He played with her wetness, listening to her whimpers, avoiding her clit on purpose.

“Please,” she whispered.

He obeyed and started fucking her with his finger. It was the same and it was new. He knew her body so well, he knew all the ways to make her satisfied. But he never did this naked. He never had her body arch so nicely and rub on his skin. He never felt this much softness in his whole life. Meanwhile she just couldn’t get enough of his body. Her hands traveled on his shoulders, arms, chest, stroking it, scratching, massaging. She didn’t know if this was just one time thing or was he ever going to be naked again.

As much as Severus hated being impatient and prided himself on his great self-control skills, right not he just wanted to fuck his wife missionary and didn’t have strength to focus on her any longer. She noticed that in his nervous strokes and the way his dick was already hot and hard. She reached her hand down to grab it. He sighed from the relief. She felt tingling in her stomach, because she was so turned on by him. All the pressure she felt, all the anxiety from having her old friends threaten her evaporated. How could she ever be afraid of her husband, of her sweet Severus, who was just a boy, the same boy she traveled to Hogwarts for the first time with. She knew her hand was not good enough for him, so she positioned herself so that he could put it in her.

“Look me in the eyes,” he ordered and she did.

She inhaled sharply feeling his dick pushing inside her. She closed her eyes instinctively, focusing on the sweet way he filled her completely.

“Lily, open your eyes,” he demanded.

She opened them to stare into the dark abyss of his irises. He started moving inside her, pushing his dick deeper. There was nothing sweeter than the feeling he had when they were entwined together in bed. She lowered her gaze to focus on his beautiful collarbones and chest, but she corrected herself before he did and looked at his face. He took her hands in his and started pounding into her so hard the bed rocked. She opened her mouth to breathe better and he smashed it with his lips, kissing her hard. He came embarrassingly fast, groaning into her mouth.

Lily could feel his orgasm inside her as if they were one. His warm breath on her neck sent shivers down her spine. She clenched her hands on his arms.

“It was… So perfect, Severus. I will be forever grateful that you are mine and you gave me a chance,” she said.

“We will see after I tell you everything,” he whispered into her ear.

“I don’t care. I love you,” she said.

He sighed, but rested his head on her chest and listened to her heartbeat. Some time would have to pass before he would be able to fully believe her that she loved him.

Chapter Text

Severus laid on the bed, his hair framing his face, black strands on white pillow. Lily leaned towards him. He took the ashtray and put it on his chest. She took two cigarettes out of the pack she had beside her bed and lit her wand. She moved her leg so her thigh would hug his hips under the covers. Severus stared blankly at the wall. Lily could not believe how attractive he was at that moment. She was a little bit disturbed by his scars that covered his hand and parts of his chest.

She was happy those scars, mostly self-harm scars, were old. They were white and they stuck out of his body forming stripes. She smoked and exhaled smoke slowly. She pressed the cigarette on the ashtray and put her hand on his stomach. She leaned and kissed his arm and chest, resting her lips on those places that he cut. She saw goosebumps on his skin and heard his breath becoming deeper. The ashtray moved up and down with his chest. He put his arm around Lily and stroked her back with his fingertips. She shivered. He watched as her nipples became hard against his skin.

Severus knew that a force stronger than his jealousy over Lily and his anger was always his lust for her. His body starved for hers. He wished he could ever be satisfied. He wished he could ever have enough of her soft milky skin, her hair that felt like smooth feathers, her voice when she cried his name, her eyes right after she orgasmed. He was so embarrassed that he had such a big appetite for her. And he was so grateful that she didn’t complain or ridicule him for it. He received her kisses with a bittersweet feeling. He was ashamed of them but he was so pleasantly surprised that she accepted them. He would be happy if she would tolerate them or just pretend they did not exist. He felt the ice inside him melting slowly.

“I feel weird. I don’t feel like I deserve to have you nude,” she said softly.

“It’s because you don’t deserve it, Lily,” he said.

She pursed her lips. His naked body was something she wanted so badly for those years they were together. It was more than curiosity. She just wanted to feel the warmth of his skin on hers and not the layers of material. The fact that he also thought that she did not deserve it hurt her. But he still decided to give it to her.

“Okay,” she whispered.

“It means a lot to me that you are not repulsed by my body,” he said.

She raised her eyebrows.

“You always assume I don’t experience attraction to you… It’s crazy to me. How would I even get wet if I would not find you handsome?” she asked him.

“I don’t know. You were not attracted to me when at Hogwarts,” he said.

“Sev… You were a boy. Now you are a man. I see how you take care of yourself and how you try for me. I just cannot resist you. Everything about your body is so nice,” she said.

“It’s hard for me to believe,” he said.

She sighed.

“Why do you hate yourself so much?” she asked him.

He was silent for a moment.

“I don’t remember anymore. It’s a habit,” he said.

She took the ashtray from his chest and caressed it gently. She felt how he relaxed under her touch.

“I will never know who you love more. Me or him,” he started.

Lily felt a sting in her chest.

“It doesn’t matter since now he is dead,” he continued, “but I will be forever jealous that he died while looking you in the eyes.”

She opened her mouth to say something, but didn’t know what could be said that would not sound like an empty words.

“Don’t worry, I’m not about to rebuke you, reprimand your dumb decision, talk about how much pain you caused me. You know this and I’m not that pathetic to do all this. I want you to know that I was the one who suggested that Voldemort should kill him and make Harry his Horcrux. I told you he wants to punish you, but it was not true. I wanted to punish you. My revenge did not work, because it didn’t give me the relief I was craving. Killing Black did,” he said and looked at her.

Lily kept her eyes wide open.

“Okay,” she whispered.

“It doesn’t bother you?” he asked.

“You did it to protect us,” she said with a shaking voice.

“I did it because I’m a bad, vindictive person, Lily. But I’m not like that when it comes to you. I cannot take revenge against you, because if I hurt you, I hurt myself twice as much,” he said.

She was silent for a moment, processing all of that.

“Potter and Black hurt you deeply. I understand that you couldn’t find peace until they were dead,” she said.

“You hurt me more than they did. But I also hurt you when I called you that word. And recently I hurt you when I lied to you that everything is fine. I hurt you when I kept you uninformed and oblivious just to have you happy,” he said.

“But you just wanted me to be happy… You wanted good,” she said.

“Don’t make excuses for me. I was very selfish. I wanted to experience what a nice functioning family would be like,” he said.

“I can still be happy while being aware of what is going on,” she said.

“I wanted to give you a sense of safety… It would not be possible if you knew everything,” he said.

“I didn’t feel safe knowing you hide stuff from me,” she said.

“What if Voldemort would order me to kill yourself? Would you feel safe knowing that he could order me that? Would you feel safe knowing that he is insane?” he asked.

She exhaled slowly.

“Then I would like to die looking into your eyes,” she said.

He frowned.

“No. I would kill you in your sleep so you would not be aware of what I did. Then I would kill myself,” he said.

“Okay,” she said and kissed his jaw.

“Why are you so calm?” he asked her.

“What would it change if I cried or protested? You have to follow orders. I would rather have those conversations with you than pretend that everything is okay,” she said.

He nodded. Sometimes he forgot how smart and logical she was.

“I feel like a failure because I cannot keep you safe,” he said.

She took his face in her hands.

“We are two 25 year olds living under a totalitarian state ruled by a psychopath. The fact that we are still alive despite our blood status is astonishing. Besides, if you didn’t manage to convince Voldemort to let you keep me, I would be dead. So well. Our expectations should not be high,” she said.

“I just wanted to give you a good life,” he said.

“Who said it’s not a good life? Not many women can say that they are loved like I am. You always were so great to Harry,” she said.

He hugged her closer, pressing her body to his.

“I had to declare you as insane. I didn’t want you to be suspected of treason,” he said.

She nodded.

“If that was what had to be done,” she said.

“I suppose it was. You didn’t have much rights nor personal freedom to begin with… But now Harry is under my custody. And I can check you, go through your stuff, look up what spells you used recently, read your correspondence. And I will use this right because I want to make sure you would not do something risky again,” he said.

She looked up at him.

“Would that change anything? Are you doing this because you don’t trust me?” she asked.

“I don’t trust you because you used my trust. And no, it shouldn’t change much. I would never use my power over you to cause you harm. But again… I already had all the power over you. Did I ever abuse it?” he asked.

“No, you didn’t,” she said.

“I didn’t. Our marriage is based on mutual respect for each other. In this house we are equals. No, in this house you have more power. But outside… We will have to play along,” he said.

“It doesn’t humiliate me to be yours. I’m not ashamed to be submissive towards you in front of Death Eaters or Voldemort. I am in love with you. You are good for me. And you are better than all of them,” she said.

“I’m not. I will not demand you anything that would require you to compromise your dignity,” he said.

“I know you would never do that,” she said and smiled.

He sighed.

“Is there anything you want from me to make your life better? I don’t want you to be miserable and pretend to be happy. I can give you anything. I can figure anything out,” he said.

“I want you,” she said.

“You have me. I’m all yours. There never was anybody else,” he said.

Lily sensed his bitterness.

“I want to have you like I have you right now. I want to lay naked in bed and have serious conversations. I want real intimacy, not you getting all your frustrations out by playing with my body like I am a doll,” she said.

He winced as if she slapped him.

“I never used you in that way. Never. Making love to you helps me deal with bad emotions, but I never played with you like with a doll,” he said sharply.

She hugged him concerned.

“No, baby, I’m sorry. You are a great lover. I just need you to communicate with me. Tell me everything,” she said.

“I don’t want to bore you with my work or stupid drama,” he said.

“It’s not boring. It’s your life. If I’m going to be trapped at home then I want to know as much as I can,” she said.

He sighed.

“I don’t know if I can promise you that. There are good days and there are bad days. On good days we can lay naked in bed, smoke and talk. But on bad days I don’t want to be burdened with your expectations. Sometimes I just want to come home and spend time with you and forget about work and life,” he said.

“Then I will cherish moments when you are able to share yourself with me more. And try to give you as much comfort as you need on bad days,” she said.

They were silent for a moment.

“I don’t know when I will be able to do this again,” he said.

“It’s not a problem,” she said and played with a strand of his dark hair.

The rain started pouring. Severus thought about Sirius’ body and the fact that he had to teleport with it to the Ministry. Outside there was death and coldness and misery, inside there was Lily, her soft body and wetness between her legs. He didn’t want to go.

“You didn’t orgasm?” he asked her.

She got nervous.

“It was good. I just didn’t sleep well and I cried and was stressed,” she said.

“Just answer. But I suppose that means no,” he said.

She nodded.

“You will have to orgasm now,” he said.

She stared into his dark eyes.

“Why? What if I don’t?” she asked him.

She was nervous that she would not be able to relax enough after all that happened, but at the same time she felt so good with the knowledge that he wanted to pleasure her so bad.

“You just have to. I will not stop until you do. And if you orgasm once I’ll continue just to have you come on my fingers again,” he said.

She swallowed nervously and looked down on his collarbones and chest, not able to stand the intensity of his gaze. He moved to be on top of her, spreading her legs with his thighs.

“I don’t know if I will come now,” she said.

“Just try really hard for me. How could you not orgasm after I saved you, forgave you, undressed in front of you?” he asked.

She sighed. He put his lips on her breast and took her nipple into his mouth. She tried to close her legs and press her thighs together, but he didn’t let her. She knew he was manipulating her to get what he wanted, but she really didn’t mind. He was not harming her. He just wanted her to come very much. His vulnerability always came with a price.

Besides, yesterday she would die for him to come to their bed and fuck her. Anything was better than him being angry at her. And whatever he was doing right now with her nipple was just heavenly.

“I will try for you because I love you a lot,” she whispered and stroked his head.

He unglued his mouth from her breast and looked at her.

“I have to go to work after this,” he said and put his finger on her clit, pressing on it gently.

She cried from the sweet sensation. After a moment she adjusted to it.

“But you’ll be back,” she moaned and put her hands on his arms.

“In the evening,” he said.

He felt how she melted under him. She adjusted to his hand rubbing her spot after some time and just sighed from pleasure. He smiled with satisfaction.

“Good girl,” he said.

“Severus,” she clenched her fingers on his arm, digging her nails deep into his skin.

“I just have to see you orgasm before I go back,” he said.

He was desperate for her. He wanted to get a prize for being a good husband and forgiving her. He watched her closely. He knew she might want to fake it, so he had to be really paying attention. She tried it sometimes with him which made him always mad. She was a good actress but not good enough for him.

Lily tried to get all her bad feelings and memories out. She was so nervous. She was afraid that Severus might be angry at her again. She felt so weird because normally she just clenched his clothes in her hands, but now he was naked and she felt his skin on hers. It was heavenly but it was new. He was warm but also firm. His body was so different from hers. She leaned on the pillow and focused on his bare body pressing her to the mattress. She thought how awful life was without his love. She thought how awful it was that he was going to go to the Ministry after they were done. Suddenly she felt so good that they were together and he was so close to her.

She wrapped her legs around him and pressed her lips to his shoulder, so she wouldn’t wake up Harry with her cries. She came so fast and hard, she felt tingles in her feet and hands. He collapsed onto her, not able to fuck her more. One orgasm was enough when it was this good.

He wrapped his arms around her and squeezed her ass in his big hand, then he rolled on his back so she would lay on him and he would not suffocate her.

“Was it good?” she asked him after her breath calmed down.

“It was satisfying,” he said.

She smiled.

“It was great, Lily. I know you are trying,” he said.

“You are also trying. I know you care,” she said.

He sighed.

“Of course I do,” he said and stroked her back.

She shivered and clung to him hard.

“Don’t go,” she said.

He smiled.

“Will you miss me? Will you wait for me?” he asked her.

“Yes and yes,” she said.

“How much will you miss me?” he asked her.

“I won’t stop thinking about you,” she said.

He laid on his side so that she slipped off his chest.

“I have to go,” he said.

She watched him as he sat on the bed, put on his underwear and socks, then his trousers, undershirt, linen chemise, jacket and coat, and at the very end his shoes. He kneeled on the bed to give her a last kiss. She felt the warm woolen material cover her.

“Promise me it will be okay,” she said and grabbed his jacket.

“Of course it will be okay,” he said, but they both knew he was lying.

She smiled and watched him go.