Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The vicious Lazarus pit has finally decided to leave him alone. He was not worthy of the second chance, he was given. Finally, Mother Nature has decided to correct her mistake and reclaim him back. It was oddly comforting!

Jason is feeling so tired… So damn tired and out of breath, currently curling to himself, like he used to do all these years ago, trying to keep himself warm and secure from Gotham's cruel streets, as the homeless and hopeless child he once was.

He was not feeling any different from that kid, for a long time, to be honest …
Like he never truly escaped!

So he was stuck under his pathetic and old blanket all morning, in his little and miserable apartment, trying so hard to stay focused and not to drift to nothingness. He was afraid!
He was so afraid that he couldn't take a single breath anymore, without feeling the need to throw up his empty stomach from the pain.

The worst of all is that he was feeling so damn cold like he was stuck inside a damn freezer. His old and abused bones were aching terribly with every single movement, like thousands of burning nails under his skin were trying to tear him apart from the inside. He couldn't even walk a small distance normally anymore, without feeling the need to lie down from exhaustion each time.

He is dying...He can feel it! And he is truly OK, with the idea of his second death..! At least in death, he will be left alone to rot in peace, without being a disappointment for everyone to see, without hearing the clown's evil laugh every night, without all the hurt and disappointment. He will be left alone and forgotten as a bad dream as it should have been.

At least he wishes this death to be painless in the end.
He can't live like this anymore!

He no longer had the strength to cry for help. Everyone had abandoned him. Why does no one ever want him? Why is he always left alone and forgotten? Why does he still wonder, when he knows damn well that he is the failed robin.

The one who went bad. The black sheep of a family of heroes. No matter how much he tried, no matter how much he bled, he would never atone for his mistakes..Batman's biggest mistake and biggest regret..The man who used to call father, couldn't even see him eye to eye anymore.. His hands were red with blood..A dirty sinner!

He would never be the beloved son he was once to Bruce. He had lost this right..! He was only a pitiful soldier for Batman to get in line of war, every time he was needed from his supposed clan, only to be tossed immediately away afterwards, when he was no longer in their use.

Bruce would never care and love him again, the way he loves Dick, and Tim and Damian. He had proven it many times..Like when he beat him at that rooftop, without even making sure of his innocence..Like when he chose to save his murderer, over his and fresh, out of grave supposed lost son.

As for his brothers…Well the goldy one will act all worried at first, like the great performer he is. All for the show…! If he truly cared once for his well being, he would have stopped at least once to check on him, all this time. He is no longer patrolling the streets anymore in person, sending only his goons, who he had paid twice the money they had agreed to, to protect his roads in his place, following his wishes.If he truly cared, he would have noticed his absence already! Everyone should have!

Tim, he is an even bigger pretender, than the big Blue! He only tolerates him for the mission (he can't really blame him). As for Damian..Well Damian is a tough spot. He was there for his first steps, even though he can't remember him. He always wanted to have a more of a good sibling relationship with him, having the most in common, but the boy only viewed him as the family disgrace.

He is damn sure, Damian is happy he is no longer sharing the Wayne surname with all of them. He is legally dead for too long now, and not even once they cared to ask him about his wishes to return to this living world. Not like he cares! He will not be there for too long.

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It has been several weeks and he is not getting any better..The painkillers are not longer working…He has lost weight..It's hard to stomach anything in his condition..His lungs are hurting and the feeling of being cold is getting all more intense..He has stopped reading his favorite books..Jane Austen is lying on the floor for the last two days. He can't stay focused for long. His phone is beeping for the first time in days..He has not kept in touch with the bats messenger team updates. He was not called once for a mission. So, he finally decides to check his many unread messages.

They seem to be talking about a movie night at the manor. No one is addressing him personally! Cass is sending a thousand emojis and Tim and Stephanie are fighting over the new Avatar movie.

He recalls that he never actually watched the first one. He was dead at that time. He suddenly decides to go and meet them and doesn't even
know how he finds the strength to get up and dress. He doesn't know how he finds the strength to take out his bike and drive to Gotham's busy roads.

He doesn't even remember when he parked outside of the manor, which he used to call once home. He finds himself on autopilot knocking on the main door.
Alfred is the one opening the door for him, looking surprised, as he has seen a ghost... Maybe he is?

-Master Jason, my boy, it's been a long time since we have not seen you around! -How are you? You look a bit tired.
Jason tries hard to not choke before he finds the strength to fake a smile to the old man and lies about a long mission and other stuff. Alfred looks to not bite it, but he doesn't say anything. Only nods.

- Alfred, I heard today is a movie night, can I come in? -Of course, my boy, master Dick, and the others are already inside the screening room.

-They will be so thrilled to see you!

-Sure they will be…!

He finds himself walking alone slowly to the manor's main hall. The house hasn't changed much, since he used to live there. Soon, he finds himself staring at a new paint portrait of Bruce, Alfred, Dick, Tim, and Damian.

Bruce is sitting in the middle with his beloved sons in order and his adoptive father by his side. He briefly remembers Tim mentioning that they all posed for it when they were on the mission looking to bring Damian back. No one asked him to be there when the portrait was made. Why is he surprised..? He is no longer Bruce's beloved son, neither his children's brother nor Alfred's dear grandson.

There is not even a single photo of him anywhere to be seen he bitterly notices, from the time he was still alive. Like he never existed. The only reminder of his existence is the old costume he died in, in the cave. A warning for future Robin to see, to not fail like himself! A trophy for his all wrongdoings. His vision is becoming blurring, but he continues to walk toward the filming room. He is breathing harder and harder, it's agonizing to move, but he stubbornly keeps walking towards his destination.

He is short of breath when he finally finds himself outside the screening room. He can hear the laughter of Damian and Dick coming from inside, Tim's loud clicking of his keyboard, Stephanie's and Cass's chattering, and Titus and Ace's loud barkings.

...At τhen he feels lost, like he is transporting their privacy and it is not a good idea to be there, as he turns away to leave, but Dick spots him and stops him in his tracks. A look of surprise is all over his face, before he quickly changes it, into his usual fake happy smile.

- Jay, what a surprise! You didn't mention that you will come!
- I haven't seen you at all for days.!
Jason wants to scream but quickly changes his mouth into a sharp line.

- I thought it was finally time to hang out with you guys and a family movie night was such a good opportunity to miss!

He feels all the birds and bats' wary looks all over him, but no one comments, before he finds himself sitting in a corner, away from their staring.

After a while, Dick finally starts the movie, when Batman himself suddenly appears out of the smoke and decides to join them, outside of his cloak, and Jason freezes.

D.. Bruce is smiling, looking relaxed and happy. There is a warm look on his face, a look he hardly remembers, when he used to carry him on his shoulders, reading him all his favorite books in all these funny voices, he used to make him laugh.
The warm look he used to have every time he was showing his straight A's on his school report. The same warm look he is addressing everyone right now, in this room, the look he immediately stopped and hardened when he spotted him.

Jason can't, he can't. He can't breathe! He can't. He must run away..! He can't breathe! He can't breathe and his eyes are leaking…Why are his eyes leaking?

He is stupid, so stupid. Why did he think he would ever look at him the same way before he failed out of his grace?
Why did he think Bruce would ever look at him, with anything other than pure disgust, in his blue eyes? Why…Why can't he breathe?

He is running and running. He doesn't know where. He can't see. Everything burns…! He feels himself tripping before he sees the stairs and falls. He falls, and the last thing he sees is the painted portrait of his family, mocking him. Then a sharp pain!

A scream last can be heard in the distance, before everything turns black.

Chapter Text

There was a feeling of drabness like he is trapped underwater and everything is on fire...! It is getting harder to keep his mind afloat when the tides of pain are getting stronger and stronger... He only wishes to sleep and let the darkness claim him, but there are too many voices above him and he can't tell what's going on.As he is trying to make sense, someone is telling him to stay awake, begging him to open his eyes and take a breath, but everything is so out of focus!

Someone is holding his head carefully, as he is pressing his nose and trying to breathe air inside his mouth, to make his poor lungs work, but he can't make himself stop choking on his blood!He feels himself drift further and further, while the cold is beating him mercilessly.

- Jayland, please...Stay with me...Help is on the way... No, no Jay, you should keep breathing...Don't go away... Keep fighting! Please, Son, don't give up! You can do it!
I am holding you! D... I am here!

A loud and familiar voice can be heard, but Jason wishes it to stop..! He wishes to scream that it is too late now, but not a word of his can't be spoken... He is so tired of trying! He is so tired of being abandoned, again and again, and again! He is done!

He wants to finally be left to rest in peace, but a small, immature part of him believes otherwise. A small part of him, the part of the little boy who died alone, wants the voice to come closer, to make his pain go away!

He wants to be sung to sleep. He wants the voice to take him away and secure him from the cold. To be put carefully to his bed, safe and sound, as he is readen his favorite story in great detail...To feel like he is someone important to be loved.

It's such a nice and warm dream, he thinks. Such a beautiful lie... He is unworthy of such a nice dream. He doesn't deserve it! But he can be selfish like that, can't he be? Jason wonders to himself, as he finally lets himself drift.

The last thing he feels is someone strong lifting him carefully from the hard ground, away from the cruel looks, carrying him like he is made out of something valuable, and God it is so warm... So warm and nice...He wants to stay there forever, as he feels himself floating to nothingness.

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It has been days, but Jason still refuses to address anyone in the room, as he looks out of the manor's window. They have lost him almost three times and his condition is getting worse by the day...The inner bleeding, which was caused by falling from that high, made his already broken and malnourished body, collapse even more and Bruce was feeling sick!

He is holding Jason's bonny arm, as he is lying too thin and too broken, to his childhood bed, with wires attached everywhere. He is fast asleep, and after taking some of the sleeping remedies Alfred has to force him to drink earlier, as a way to take care of him...

Jason hates to be stuck like this, against his will, but there were no other options available for Bruce. Both his lungs are critical, failing fast and he needs 24h breath support, for the rest of his days. Leslie's words are still haunting him:

-I'm sorry Bruce! There is no scientific explanation for his condition. His health is regressing day by day and we can't do anything about it. You should have hospitalized him already, somewhere safe, to pass his final days in peace.
-No, there is no way I will leave Jason to die a second time! There has to be a way!! It's not true!
- Bruce, please you have to understand...
- NO! I am taking him home. I can't leave him alone. I will find a way to save him! I can't give up...! He is only nineteen! I will make sure he survives! I will not hear another word!

He holds Jason's hand, too cold to his touch, as the boy skirts to his sleep...There are five blankets above him and the fireplace is lit all day, to help him keep warm, but nothing works...He is cold as a corpse and Bruce wants to vomit! How he had managed to fail that badly! He swears someone has cursed his poor boy to always live in tragedy and he wants to cry about the unfairness of the universe! He didn't deserve anything that happened to him. He never had the chance to live his life from the very start.

Alfred is in the kitchen all morning, trying to make something light to feed Jason later. He has refused to eat anything he had offered since they brought him back from Leslie's clinic, after his fall..Bruce has refused to talk about his condition, but Alfred is not a stupid man. Sadly neither is Jason.

He knows too well how Jason feels like a burden to everyone. How he wishes to remain alone in his hole, unwilling to accept their help, without condition. How he feels unloved by them. His heart has been broken too many times to think otherwise.

When Alfred went to Jason's latest hideout to pick up his things, he was left shocked! He tries not to think about it, as he streams the vegetables and starts to cry for his poor boy. He is still there! He can't start mourning, when the boy next door needs to be fed by him, to not collapse faster from hunger. He has to remain strong before everything falls apart.

He thinks about how Jason appeared after days to the manor that fateful day with a huge coat, to warm for the nice weather. He was breathing hard and looked overall exhausted. Alfred had taken notice, but didn't push the young master to not trigger him..Nothing had prepared him for what was going to happen next...
Jason had bolted outside the screening room, with huge tears running down his greenish eyes...He was running away like he was chased…He was crying like a wounded deer in such sorrow, as Bruce was trying to stop him...Alfred does' know what has triggered him that badly... What he knows is how everyone in this household has failed Jason in every way possible and nothing now can be fixed. His eyes begin to tear when Timothy and Damian enter his kitchen fighting.

-What masters want this time of the day in my sacret place?
-Damian destroyed my favorite cup of coffee, Tim is screaming, while Damian has an amused smirk on his face.

-Your cup was too horrible to look at! I do you a favor Drake! It looks so much better now, like your stupid face!
-Take this back, you demon!

The boys are now fist fighting all over the place, throwing batarangs and crawling like wild animals, when they throw down with their flying kicks the plate Alfred had prepared to serve Jason for dinner, hoping to at least make sure,he doesn't die from hunger. The boy had always struggled with food and malnourishion. The chicken noodle soup, one of Jason's favorites is now all split on the floor and Alfred loses it!

-You should both be ashamed! He hears himself screaming. -You should be ashamed of yourselves! How dare you fight over a single cup, when your brother is dying next door! How dare you!
-Alfred, what do you mean? Jason is again his dramatic self, trying hard to ruin our days!
I have to agree with Drake! Jason has seen how his badness doesn't work and now tries to guilt trip father, by pretending to be that sick!

- Always the attention seeker, wanting Bruce all attention to himself!

Alfred doesn't remember himself raising his hands and slapping the boys hard on their faces! They both looked in shock as Alfred's hands were shaking from the force.

-How can you both believe such a thing for Jason? How can you be so ungrateful, when Jason has lost everything! You were both born with a golden spoons, raised as prices in luxury palaces, while Jason was doing anything in his power to survive, as a homeless and orphan kid on Gotham's streets

-Jason never had anything to himself! He didn't have Dick as a doting brother to look after him, he didn't have friends, he didn't have the public support as an adopted son or the admiration, guidness and help of Justice League as a robin, he didn't have teammates to protect and support him, during his falls with Bruce... He never had anyone's trust and support and had to fight tooth and nail for the bare minimum, when both had everything handed from the beginning.

-He was taken advantage and suffered such a horrible death, from a madman who is still running free to haunt him. He has returned from his own and forgotten grave, only to be left abandoned once again, by everyone he loved. He was chased away from the only family he ever knew, who was supposed to keep him safe at the first time, for only wanting an act of righteous revenge!

He was fresh out of his grave, when he found out that a perfect robin had replaced him, loved by everyone, and all his existence has been erased from everyones worries! And I was the one who made sure, all his things to be thrown away, while I was thinking only of myself and Bruce's pain, and didn't wish to live anymore with the ghost of a boy, who was doomed from the start! The same boy we all left abandoned after his return, threading him as the black sheep of the family! How could we have been so heartless?

-We are supposed to be Gotham's protectors, while we have left one of us in such misery! You all should be ashamed, myself included! I should be the most ashamed for letting this happen to my grandson for too long! For not taking my damn weapon all these years and planting a bullet in the clown's head! For allowing everyone to walk over Jason's body! For leaving him all alone…And it is sadly too late now..! Both Damian and Timothy were too stunned to speak...They never imagined the gravity of Jason's situation. There wasn't a worse feeling of making Alfred, this rightful angry! They bow their heads in sorrow, as they finally understand their horible behavior and cruelty towards Jayson, for all these years, who now was dying helpless, in front of their own eyes.

If you can't pretend to care, you can at least leave me alone to try making him feel a little bit welcomed! He deserves much, Alfred finally says as he is barely holding a sob and excuses himself out of the room, leaving them all alone, with their brother's split soup on the floor and their enormous guilt.

Chapter Text

It has been several months since his fall and he still lives, days and nights in so much agony and pain and heartbreak...He feels stuck in the loop of life and death, while everything breaks apart and he is angry, Oh god he is so angry and frustrated and hurt by everything in his life right now... He never thought Bruce would fight tooth and nail to keep him in this eternal torture... He only wished to be left alone.
The Lazarus pit had already given up on him for ages now, but the Bat refused to do so, for no reason apparently, other than misplaced guilt.
Guilt for a fifteen-year-old kid, starving for affection, who no longer exists and only wished to be loved and accepted, by his hero, idol, and adoptive father. I'm not your father to tolerate your teenage rebellion, the Bat had said to him that fateful day...Yes, indeed, it was true, that he was never a father to him and sadly it took him two lifetimes to realize he wasted them on a lie.
A first life that ended too soon, by being brutally killed by a madman, and a second life, that turned him into the worst kind of nightmare...He was never loved and accepted, while he was still pure and fighting the righteous war of his, while he was a Robin. How on earth did he ever believe he would be taken by him, as the notorious criminal and murderous Red Hood?
His head hurts and feels nauseous, but he is too weak to move his head...He is getting dizzy and starts to drown with his own vomit, when he suddenly feels a pair of gentle hands beginning to rub his back in circles and helping him to let it all out!

His heart monitor is going to break and it is so painful to breathe, but the pair of hands are not leaving his side anytime soon, as they continue to comfort him and guide him to empty his stomach... The same hands who slashed his neck with a boomerang, choosing the Joker over him...The same hands who struck him, so hard and mercilessly, breaking his mask and ribcage, and almost succeeded in leaving him blind from the one eye, for shooting the Penguin with a bluff ...The same hands who hugged him tightly after months of being chased away from Gotham like a bad dog, to comfort him after informing him previously, of his best friend's death.The same hands who are both burning and hurting, as much as they are loving and reassuring to his own soul.

Nothing makes sense anymore...The Bat has done anything in his power to help him live by calling numerous doctors, therapists, and magicians like Zatanna and Constantine...
He was desperate enough to even call the services of Talia al Ghul herself, but nothing seemed to improve his condition...He had even restrained him against his will to force him to drink a sip of the Lazarus water, but the joke's on him, the water can never work its magic on those who were unwilling to return.

He almost succeeded in unliving himself by laughing hysterically that day, knowing well enough that his return to life was a cruel anomaly, no one can't figure out...He still doesn't know how or if it has nothing to do with him being the chosen one of the All castle, but for the Bat to give him to drink the sickening green water, which drove him mad in the first place, was a new kind of betrayal he never thought it was possible, by the man who used to adore. He laughed and laughed that day until he felt his body twisting in pain...He finally lost it as he felt himself spit to the bat's face, with his remaining strength, for even trying to turn him back this way... He wants to scream and light everything on fire, but suddenly, a horrible cry stops him in the instance...The man who saved him by a future in the streets, to only throw him to a pitless hell full of wolves and crazy clowns, is on the ground, unconscious
The Ba.. Bruce had a terrific stroke...And it was so bad Alfred had to call a real hospital this time, to the rescue...He didn't die but ended up hospitalized for several weeks.

Until this moment, he chose to remain mute and not talk to anyone who visited him. And he was too good to this, even Duke who was the most laid back and had no reason at all to despise him, had stopped coming...They were all blaming him for Batman's condition and Dick has kind enough to told him himself in a fit of rage, before he stopped in the instance, like he was in pure agony and instead to comfort him, he choose as a coward to ran away to a space mission, with his fellow Titans and the worst thing was, he couldn't pretend that his words didn't hurt or affect him in a way, he couldn't imagine...He always looked up to him, a little bit envious to be honest, but how couldn't help himself when Nightwing was everything he wished to be? When he had friends as warm as the sun... Kory and Roy were the best part of his short run as an outlaw, but even them, they had abandoned him the moment Dick called them back. How he wished to have a relationship with Dick as deep and loving as Tim, Damian, Cass and Stephanie..Even Duke, who was the newest addition, had already a loving relationship with the greatest brother and friend of all time, Jason never had the chance to experience, as he was always a cheap excuse of replacement for Dick, who can't even stand himself and only Alfred dare in the meantime, continued to take care of him, as if nothing had happened or changed.

He is not going to admit that he was sad and hurt by this, but he soon felt himself crying and speaking for the very first time, shocking Alfie one April day, missing the Bat by his side.
Is he gonna be okay, he heard himself

he was kept in the dark for so long already
Is..D..Bruc..gonna b…ok?
Jason.. my boy shh…Please don't cry..!
I..m..a..bad..son!!!
No, you are not Jason.. please...You are hurting and you were breaking for a long time and we all should be held accountable for making you feel this way and I personally, for not stopping our family sooner as the eldest... He loves you my boy so much and it's killing him that he is not able to help you and that's why he end up with a stroke, but don't worry dove, he would be fine in no time, and everything will be fixed!
He always runs away from me Alfie...He can't stand the idea of what I have become and I am tired, so tired... Please don't make me laugh, this is no love of his and If he actually cared for me, as you said, he would have tried to reach me sooner, before it was too late...!
Everything was so much better for all of you, without me in the picture as I was always the dirty spot to a perfect clear family of heroes. If he truly cared for me, he would have been the happiest man alive, when he learnt the news of my glorious return to life and he would had be proudly calling me again his son in public and in front of all the other heroes, not caring about what I had become,
That's no true!
Oh please, no need for you to pretend that he didn't erase me the moment I died, and I only exist for him when I am needed to clean up the messes, that he is not willing to do himself or make his perfect pure children, to deal with, as a way to protect them, from be corrupted as me..And when I do not fall in line with his demands, then he has not problem to use me as a scapegoat to be pushed and hit around, so Alfred go away now and help the ones you actually consider as a family and leave me finally alone, to my misery as you should!
Very well master Jason, as you wish, but I want you to reconsider...
Bye Alfred and thank you for everything.

The man who used to consider him as a grandfather, left him alone as he asked, clearly angry and he didn't bother to check him for the rest of the afternoon, as he was not in need of medical attention..It was cruel, but nothing he didn't deserve. It was nearly evening, when Jason felt a sudden crack and then a sharp pain like a knife stab, coming from behind his back and not his failing lungs, and then nothing like it was never there in the first place...It a strange feeling as nothing ached anymore all of a sudden. It could be a moment of joy, but he only felt empty of any other emotion. Beside his bed he notices, a dark figure standing still. For a moment he thought Bruce had returned to his side, but the creature near him was not something human in nature…He/She gives off a weird energy, neither evil nor good and Jason was not afraid, but he only felt a strong wish to see his dad, as he felt himself being drawn to the creature like a fly to the light, as he was fading away to nothingness…