Archive of Our Own ^beta

Dearest Mother

I know that it most probably seems foolish, to write a letter to someone who passed away. You left us almost 18 years ago and I’m very much aware that logically, you will never read this letter. But I can’t help myself but believe that somehow, those words will still reach you, that you will know what I’m going to tell you. I want to tell you those news so much and it seems like the best way to do so, despite how foolish it might be perceived.

Mother… I fell in love. Deeply and unconditionally. With the most wonderful woman in the world. It’s a shame that I can’t put into words, as much as I want, how incredible this blessing is.

I never thought it would ever happen to me. Even less that I would actually deserve it. Mother, I’ve made so many mistakes since you’ve been taken away from us and I’m so ashamed of it. You told me to be strong and I trained and worked so much for that. But you also told me to not forget to live my own life and that, I failed to do. I’m so sorry. I put myself under so much pressure and guilt, I genuinely thought that sacrificing myself for Nebra, Solid and Noelle, for the house of Silva, for the legacy you left behind, was the only way I could be able to follow. But I was wrong, even though everything was so complex and heavy back then, that I still don’t know how I could have find a right, a better way to move forward.

For years, it was like I was trapped in an endless winter. Everything in me was cold and masked, I was unable to hear my own screams for help. Regrets and guilt were like a cage, the pressure I was stupid enough to endure became like chains. I thought that protecting my siblings and everything so that I’m the only one to suffer was my duty and my fate. I started to be dangerously overwhelmed, but I was too stubborn to stop all by myself. But then, Vanessa came into my life…

She was like a rose that bloomed in my everlasting winter. A light piercing through the mist. She melted the cold in my soul and saved me from it. For the first time in my life, I wished something for myself. I don’t know exactly when I fell in love with Vanessa, but when I realized it, I was like overwhelmed with feelings and colours I forgot even existed.

It was still difficult, because of our different circles and our pasts. Vanessa is a witch and a member of the Black Bulls, a knight squad with a worse reputation than it should have. And she has a heavy past too. The Witch Queen foresaw that Vanessa would gain a spell that would allow her to have some control over Fate itself and put her in a cage in order to use that spell for herself. It is horrible, I couldn’t believe my ears when she told me her story for the first time. Without realizing, I promised myself that I would do anything so that she would never be in a cage again.

Vanessa is wonderful. She’s the opposite of me, with how she often laughs, with how carefree she is. Despite her past, she is one of the most joyful people I know, she cares deeply for others. Noelle is part of her squad and Vanessa took her in like an older sister, probably a better older sibling than I ever was. She also became good friends with Nebra and Solid came to accept her. She has a way with people I never saw before and is able to hug my deepest worries out.

Mother, you have no idea how grateful I am to have Vanessa. With her, I feel like a better man, strong enough to move mountains with ease. If I could, I wouldn’t hesitate to give her the world. I know that our different classes will make our path difficult, you know how rumours and gossip works within royalty and nobility. And you also know how father is, what influence he has, what he is able to do to get what he wants. He would never accept that his son marries a witch, a marriage that would go against his ambitions. We both know that he won’t hesitate to hurt me and he would hurt Vanessa as well, but I can’t have that. I’m so afraid to put her in a cage again with my status and everything that goes with it, but at the same time, I refuse to give up on her. Vanessa is the woman I want to grow old with and I will fight for her. She will as well, she already proved it more than once. Vanessa is so brave and that is just one of the many things I love about her.

She loves to sing and would start humming at any occasion. I love listening to her. To be fair, I love everything about her. Her sleepy head and voice in the morning, how she makes fun of royal laws and rules, the way she braids my hair, the way she closes her eyes in happiness when she eats her favourite meals. Even her teasing – she calls me Little Eagle –, even her scolding and harsh words sometimes, every part of her is like the sun.

I could write more, so much more about how wonderful Vanessa is, but I fear won’t be enough to describe her to you. Mother, I almost don’t recognize myself when I’m with her. First, I thought I became a completely different person, but in the end, it wasn’t the case. Vanessa brought sides of me that were hidden for so long, so long that I ignore I had them in me. She helped me to open up, to accept that I can rely on others, to smile and laugh at the smallest, silliest things.

You once told me that I have a good heart. I’m so sorry that I wasn’t able to believe you, mother. But Vanessa told me this as well and thanks to her, I learned to finally believe it. To be fair, she didn’t let me choose. It is impossible to say no to a witch and live to tell the tale. At least, it’s what she always says to me and from my experience and what I witnessed, I have no reason to doubt her about that.

Oh mother, I wish you could be still here. I wish you could met Vanessa. I’m certain you would love her and I’m certain Vanessa would love you as well. She always ask me about you. Mother, I still miss you so much. For a long time, that feeling had been so unbearable. Now, it isn’t heavy and I can move forward, better than before. But I still wish you’ll be here, so I can partake this happiness with you. If you were, would you give Vanessa and me your blessing? Allow me to be certain about it, but I still feel like I had to ask.

We all miss you. My memories of you are all so precious, but are filled with sadness. It’s only recently joy joined that sadness when I remember you. I know that I was already fourteen when you passed away, almost old enough to have my own grimoire. But in reality, it was way too soon, I wasn’t ready to become head. I was still a child. Often, when I’m facing a difficult hardship, I still feel that fourteen year old boy inside of me who just lost his mother.

We had a terrible time after you were taken from us and some wounds will always leave a scar behind. But now, all four of us are better and stronger to move forward. You’ll be proud of Noelle, how far and powerful she became. Of Nebra, how she took father’s lesson to make things better and to help me dealing with the nobles. Of Solid, how he tries to become a better person and the efforts he puts it. I’m proud of all of them, of the Silver Eagles, of house Silva becoming more open and less a golden cage. and finally, I start to be a bit proud of myself as well.

Many of those things, Vanessa gave me the courage to do it and I hope I give her the same. I love her so much, mother. Our path is by far not over and there is still a stony way in front of us, but I know that we can win this fight and face the hardships together. I have no idea where this certainty comes from. But I think you would encourage me, like you always did. I’m sorry I took your words at heart so late, but thank you for everything you ever taught me.

I love you, mother.

Your oldest son
Nozel Silva

♣♣♣

“Honey, you finished writing already?”

Nozel looked up, smiling at Vanessa who was lying lazily on his bed, wearing only his bathrobe. It was incredible how it looked better on her than on him. But he couldn’t really judge, he never wore his bathrobe more than two or three times in his life.

Her pose was almost seductive and Nozel couldn’t help but blush. He always blushed so easily around her. Nozel would have tried to fight it, but his blush always made Vanessa incredibly happy, so he didn’t have any reason to fight it back.

Nozel looked down at his letter. He still felt like he could tell more, how happy and grateful he was to love Vanessa, how he finally get a grip of himself… But at the same time, what he wrote seemed more than enough so that his mother would understand what he wanted to tell her.

In the end, writing this letter wasn’t as foolish as it seemed. It was incredibly soothing, indeed like a healing process. Maybe he would continue to write letters to his mother once in a while.

Nozel put his quill aside and stood up to join Vanessa on his bed.

“What were you writing? Squad stuff?” Vanessa asked as she cuddled against him, her head on his shoulder.

“No, it was more personal… A letter to my mother. I know that she’s long gone and won’t read it, but… I still like to think that it will reach her, somehow. It was soothing.”

“Then it is clearly something you needed, honey. What did you tell her?”

“That I fell in love with the most wonderful woman in the world and that I feel blessed to have her in my heart.”

“My, little Eagle, I love how poetic you become when you talk about me.”

Nozel just chuckled, placing a soft kiss on the crown of her head. Vanessa hummed, nuzzling more against his shoulder. Yes, he was truly blessed to have her in his life and he truly believed that in a way or another, his mother will learn about it.

I’m so happy for you, my sweet son. Cherish your time with her.