Chapter Text
"Yesterday, a girl came up to me and asked me about Zayn." I say.
Niall and Liam both look up at me.
"What'd you say?" Liam sets his cup down.
I look around at all the other people filling the dinner. None of them are paying attention to me yet I feel like everyone is whisper about me. About the boy who got scared and left.
I shrug. "She asked if I had moved because of him. I just told her I didn't really move."
"When was the last time you guys saw him?" I don't know why I ask because I don't really want to know the answer.
Niall, playing with his straw, says "We saw him not long ago. He doesn't hang with us much anymore. He's kind of with a new crowd now."
I picture him laughing with a group of people who all are exactly like him. I picture the blonde boy from that night hanging on his arm.
"Have you thought about talking to him?"
I look up at Liam like he's insane because suggesting that I talk to Zayn makes him insane.
"No. I couldn't. I wouldn't even be able to talk, I'd only want to hit him." I say defensively.
"It's been a year, Lou." He says like it makes a difference.
I groan and sit back in my chair. "Yeah, everyone keeps saying that."
"I'm just trying to make coming back here easier and I believe it'd be easier if you weren't spending every second worried if Zayn is going to walk through the door." He crosses his arms on the table and I look to Niall.
He shakes his head as if to tell me he has nothing to say and I sigh.
"If I see him, I'll talk to him. Maybe. Probably not. There's no point anyway because we have nothing to talk about." I'm sure I could find something to say to him. I could find tons of things to say to him like he's an asshole or he's a life ruiner or I can't stop thinking about him.
"Fine." Is all Liam says.
•
"Mom?" I say, walking into her bedroom. She's sitting on her bed folding clothes.
She looks up at me and smiles, waiting for me to talk.
"Do you think we could get me a phone?" I bite my lip.
I never told her what happened to my old one but I'm going to guess she realized I don't have it anymore.
"If I call are you going to answer?" She lays a folded shirt on the corner of her bed over similar ones.
I nod.
"Okay, we'll go tomorrow."
I'm so grateful for how understanding my parents are. I know I put them and everyone else through a lot when I left but the fact they let me do what I needed to proved how amazing they are.
I just hope their compassion lasts.
~
Sitting under my window and smoking a cigarette I got from Niall feels a lot like something sixteen year old me would have done yet here I am, almost a month away from being eighteen.
I blow smoke out into the cold are and think, I've spent to many nights leaning out and waiting for a car with its headlights off to pull up so I could sneak away for a couple hours.
I've spent to many nights thinking about those nights.
It's been a year keeps ringing in my ears. It's like they think I don't realize it's been a year because trust me I know it has been. It's easy to run away and leave behind a place and a person but it's a lot harder, practical impossible to run away from the memories and the feelings that seem to follow you everywhere. It's impossible to run away from the pain someone has caused you no matter how far or where you go and no matter how long you stay gone because once you come back those memories are fresher than ever. Being here is like trying to learn to love all over again. I could have been gone ten years and I'd probably still feel this way.
I'm trying to learn to stop expecting him to show up at my door to hang out or sneak in my window when everyone else is asleep.
I'm trying to learn to not want those things anymore. I keep telling myself what he did was unforgivable and I know it was. I know what he did was bad and I know that forgiving him isn't even an option but those memories still feel like home and I doubt that'll ever change.
No matter how many times people tell me it's been a year it still feels like he broke my heart yesterday.
•
"Will you walk Hunter and Rosie across the street and why aren't you dressed?" Em says bringing the two smaller ones into my room.
"What? Why? And dressed for what?" I stand up and walk around them and into the hallway.
Emma turns back to face me, putting lipgloss on.
"We're going to dinner." She throws her hands out like she's annoyed with me asking but I just give her a questioning look.
"My god, Lou. It's grandma and grandpap's anniversary." She pushes me back into my room. "Now get dressed and take them over to Harry's. He'll know what to do with them."
"Louis, why can't we go?" Rosie asks and I search for a button down shirt in my closet.
"Probably because the place is super fancy and boring and you wouldn't like it." I explain and switch shirts.
"I can be fancy." Rosie uses her best grownup voice.
I ignore her though and run a hand through my hair. I check myself in my mirror, khakis and and a black button up. I look decent.
I rush to the other side of my room to put my shoes on. The children just stand in the middle watching me.
"Why are they still here?" Emma asks as she walks past my door and into the hallway bathroom.
I pick Hunter up and put him on my hip. "Why don't you ever talk?" I ask him.
He just smiles and raises both his hands, palms up.
"Right. Okay, come on Rosie." I instruct her to follow me.
"Do you guys stay over here a lot?" I question as we walk out the front door.
Rosie nods. "When no ones home to watch us."
I ring the doorbell with the hand that isn't holding Hunter and wait. I don't know this guy, I don't know what's he's like or anything. He can't be so bad if my uncle trusts him to watch his children I suppose.
The door opens and I'm slightly taken aback at how different he looks up close compared to when I saw him from the couch with Emma.
He's got a young a face which doesn't help me believe that he's nineteen. He's wearing a white t-shirt that has a tear right under the collar and dark jeans. He's taller than me but not by much and his curly hair probably helps his height.
"Hi." I say.
He smiles, "Hello."
His English accent was thick and unexpected, it takes me a minute to recover.
"I haven't met you before." His head falls to the side a little bit.
"Right. I'm Louis, I live over there." I point behind me.
"I figured that much." He laughs and looks at the child attached to my hip.
I laugh at myself for not realizing it was obvious.
"Are you home from college or something?" He takes Hunter from my arms.
How do I explain that I ran away to my aunt's in Arizona because my boyfriend of the time broke my heart but now I'm back and slightly regretting it? "Not exactly." I rock back on to my heels.
"Louis!" We both look at the house behind me. Emma's leaning out my window. "We're leaving!"
I laugh at how she looks and also I laugh out of embarrassment for being related to her.
"I should go back." I start backing away from the door.
He nods and his attention fully turns to the children.