Archive of Our Own ^beta

There's nothing better than a broken spaceship on an unidentified planet in a distant galaxy. All members of the Fantastic Four – plus Spider-Man – stared at the close-up view of the stranded planet through the windshield.

"This sort of thing only happens when Peter's around," Johnny grumbled.

"You're such an ass," Peter replied with furrowed brows.

"I think we have enough problems without you two arguing," Sue remarked.

Ben let out a huge sigh in defeat.

"We need to check the atmosphere before we do anything," Reed explained as he started quickly doing a whole lot of stuff the writer has no idea about. "There might be dangerous particles that can slow down our work."

"What work?" Johnny asked as he, Peter and Ben unbuckled themselves ignoring very serious safety measures they were supposed to follow.

"Repairing the ship, probably," Peter snorted, stretching his limbs.

"Do we even know what the problem is?"

"Not yet," Reed grumbled as he studied some data that he magically achieved about the planet. "The atmosphere contains some methane," he hummed. "It's not overly dangerous, but the rate is high enough to be a problem if exposed to fire."

"So what, the air smells like cow fart here?" Johnny asked and placed his hands on his hips.

"Johnny, methane doesn't smell," Peter replied simply.

"Ah. So we can go outside without dying of bad smell?"

"There's a fire hazard. You're sometimes literally on fire."

This was the moment when the hatch on the floor opened and a red-masked figure popped up, then froze.

"Oh, oops! Wrong door!" he sung in his deep gravelly voice as he saw all members of the Fantastic Four – plus Spider-Man – stare at him in surprise.

"Deadpool?" the team – plus Spidey – called out in unison.

"Don't worry, I'm already leaving!"

"No!" Peter yelled as he, alongside with Johnny and Ben, launched himself at the hatch. Wade already disappeared with a tiny squeal. Peter and Johnny arrived to the hatch at the same time and managed to get stuck thanks to the fact that they tried to fit through the hole side by side, and they really didn't think it through. This led them to the discovery that Wade hadn't quite fled yet, because he was watching them struggle with amusement.

"I guess this is what double penetration looks like from the inside."

The two unfortunate young men grimaced and flailed. Luckily for them, Ben was still on the other side to help.

"Don' worry, guys. I'm here ta rescue ya!" With that, Ben started pushing them inside, both his hands placed on each boy's butt.

Peter and Johnny groaned as they finally slipped through the hatch and fell to the floor. Ben tried to jump after them, but disappointedly experienced that the hole wasn't big enough for him.

"What is this discrimination?" he asked in desperation.

"Sorry, man, I don't really know how it happened," Reed shrugged while Susan sent him an apologetic look.

Little did they know the hatch was just a plot device to get these three in the same place without any disturbances, such as other characters.

Peter and Johnny sat on the floor, glaring at Deadpool who scratched his head in thought.

"This is awkward. I didn't expect you guys to actually fit through. You know, just like how double penetration never really works out either – at least in my experience. Doesn't mean we can't give it a try, we learn something new every time!"

The boys didn't seem impressed. They stood up, dusting their butts off grumpily.

"Uh-oh," Wade mumbled and spun around to start fleeing. Much to his dismay Spider-Man was faster – the mercenary's ankle was pulled back by webbing and he disgracefully fell on his face, accompanied by a loud thump. "Ow. So rude."

The two heroes approached him and towered over him with their arms folded over their chests.

"What are you even doing here, Deadpool?" Spider-Man asked.

"Travelling, passing by, being a space tourist, doing research on sneaking in spaceships, stealing parts of spaceships–"

"What?" Johnny roared. "You stole something?"

"Well, technically, I don't think it counts as stealing because I'm still on the spaceship, so whatever I'm planning on stealing is also on it."

"Oh god, we crashed because you took something!"

"See," Peter turned to Johnny, "it wasn't my fault."

"Shut up, Peter, you're like the opposite of a lucky charm."

There was a moment of silence which was spent with the two heroes staring at each other and Wade being unable to decide which one of them he should look at in this intense moment. They were both hella fine, it was very hard to settle his gaze only on one of them.

"You just said my name," Peter whispered. "I can't believe you just did that."

"What? Why– oh. Oh man. I'm sorry– oh god I didn't realise."

"Oh-em-gee," Wade squealed. "Spider-Man has the most common and ordinary name in the world! Do his initials alliterate at least?"

"Yeah!" Johnny grimaced. "Isn't it lame?"

Peter stared at his friend – more like his new enemy – speechless and in complete disbelief. Deadpool went through a lot of crazy things, so even in astonishing moments like this he could take advantage of the opportunity and just roll with it.

"Oh man, that's hilarious. I bet he looks very average too."

"Are you kidding me? I'm sure more than half of the population has brown hair."

"With brown eyes?"

"Yeah!"

Peter's jaw dropped as he stared at Johnny – still in disbelief.

"I'm going to tear out all of your beautiful blonde hair, you–"

"Ow, baby boy, no cursing!" Wade chirped.

As Peter launched himself at Johnny to end his friend's life probably, Wade quickly started getting all the white sticky stuff off his ankle. Spidey vigorously knocked Johnny to the ground where he sat on the blond's hips, securing him, and poked him in the chest with a very strong spider-finger.

"You're the worst, Johnny! I swear to god, if you don't storm out of my life when we get back to Earth, I'll throw you into the Hudson–"

"Sure, as soon as you learn how to be a better parker with that spider-mobile of yours, Peter." There was another moment of silence as Spidey stared at him in utter disbelief once again. "Oh shit, I'm sorry–" Johnny started, but as they looked at Deadpool, they realised they weren't looking at Deadpool anymore, because he was gone.

"Thank god. I almost had a heart attack just now," Peter exhaled. "But where did he go?"

"What if he's sealing parts of the ship?"

"I wish he stole all your chocolate instead, matchstick. Or your great butt maybe, you don't deserve it," Peter mumbled as he climbed to his feet, freeing Johnny.

"Let's go find him, he shouldn't be too far! He could only go one way, into that tunnel."

"That's spoopy," Spidey shuddered, but got going towards the dark tunnel anyway, because he was very brave.

They entered and squinted, trying to make their precious eyes adjust to the darkness. As soon as this happened, they ventured forward, looking for the thief Deadpool, who probably caused their spaceship-crash on this unidentified planet.

They soon arrived to another room, where they could finally see something. And what they did see was Deadpool stealing things – things like important spaceship parts, or at least that's what the boys assumed, because what else would Deadpool steal? He can probably get paid more for important spaceship parts than for unimportant ones.

Wade looked up from his stealing and frowned.

"Well, damn. I thought you guys would be occupied for longer. Arguments usually end with angry sex in fanfiction."

Peter and Johnny didn't pay much attention to his ramblings. They jumped at him instead, tearing all assumedly-important-spaceship-parts from his dirty thief paws. Deadpool whined but he could do nothing; he was outnumbered.

"Where do these even belong?" Peter asked. "We need to put them back to make the ship work again."

"I have no idea."

"Oh boy." Spidey turned towards Wade, who was pinned to the floor by some sticky webbing thanks to our favourite menace's quick webbing reflexes when he and Johnny jumped at Deadpool. "Where did you take these from?"

"I don't know. I just saw them and took them."

"How did you plan getting back on Earth if our spaceship crashed because of you?"

"I didn't really think about that," Wade shrugged. "I just assumed you guys were smart enough to figure something out."

"Oh, that's actually very flattering," Peter muttered.

"Are you kidding me?" Johnny interrupted. "Stop being wooed, this is serious business. We need to make the spaceship work again!"

"What if we just ask Reed to do it?"

"Come on, you're a nerd. I'm sure you can do it alone."

"Duh, all right, I'll try," Peter pouted and skimmed through the objects that had almost got stolen due to Deadpool happening on the spaceship. His magical nerd brain started working on full-speed, and he started his guessing game which mostly consisted of trying to fit objects into holes that slightly resembled their shapes. It was a surprisingly successful process that resulted in a humming Spider-Man with only two spaceship-parts left.

"If this helps," Wade started, still webbed to the floor, "I'm pretty sure I opened that hatch at one point." He motioned towards the hatch with his chin. What was with all these hatches? The writer is onto something.

Peter opened it, but instead of more spaceship under it there was only, well, nothing. He could only see the surface of the unidentified planet a few metres below.

"Are you completely sure?" he narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

"Hundred percent! Or maybe only twenty, but anyway..."

Peter stared at the lack of spaceship below. "Well, okay then," he hummed and jumped through the hatch. Johnny gazed after him. Only a few moments later Peter let out a high pitched scream and started running. He was chased by a menacing space creature.

"Was that a Corgi?" Wade asked beside Johnny.

"No, it had monkey legs and a very long tail," the blond replied with a frown.

"It kind of moved like Nyan Cat," the merc added thoughtfully.

Johnny looked up at him. "How did you get out of the webbing?"

"Talent," Wade replied. "Do we follow Peter Pooper? He might need help with that dog-monkey."

"Yeah, let's go help him. I'm sure nothing bad will happen." With that, Johnny and Wade jumped after Peter. Wade was a good kid so he even closed the hatch after themselves, just to make sure none of the dog-monkeys entered the spaceship.

As they hit the surface of the planet, they spotted Peter running towards a space forest full of tall space trees. The dog-monkey enthusiastically followed him, full of energy, like a good doge. Wade and Johnny started running too, eager to help Peter out, or maybe they just really wanted to pet a space animal that really reminded them of a Corgi.

They saw as the dog-monkey caught up with Peter and tackled him to the ground. They ran faster, entering the space forest, following their friendly spacehood Spider-Man. Peter was lying on the ground face-down with the dog-monkey standing on his back and happily wagging its monkey tail. Peter groaned, wishing he could get up but not daring to move, because moving while a dog is on you is disrespectful and just plain rude.

"I'm sorry, Peter Planker," Wade sighed. "I'm not sure if we can get this weight off your back."

"This is all your fault," Peter groaned back.

The Corgi-ape willingly got off Peter's back and sat down beside him, wagging its tail and expectantly looking at the hero. Spidey got up and petted the dog, because no one can just not pet a dog, am I right?

"Aww," Deadpool cooed, placing both of his hand on his cheeks.

All three of them petted the dog. They just kept petting for minutes.

When they were done, the dog-monkey stood up and shook its fur, releasing a shimmery dust-cloud. Then it just ran away, leaving the three space-adventurers coughing and involuntarily inhaling all of that stuff.

"Uh wow, what was this?" Johnny asked when he could finally breathe properly.

"Maybe fairy dust?" Peter guessed.

"I think it was sex pollen," Wade contributed.

"Why would you think so?" Peter asked with a frown.

"My dick is hard."

"Oh man, mine too," Johnny added.

The two of them looked at Peter almost expectantly. Poor Spidey just nervously stared back. "What?" he whispered.

Wade spun around, peeking over his shoulder as he shook his butt in front of the hero.

"C'mere, be my Peter Poker."

Spider-Man blinked repeatedly under his mask.

"This wouldn't be so tempting in an everyday setting."

"It's okay, Pete," Johnny joined and motioned for Peter to come closer with his index finger. "Just blame it on the sex pollen later in case you regret everything."

"That sounds like a horrible idea, but okay." Peter finally moved, giving in to the temptation that was the combination of two very hot men and sex pollen – just some encouragement, really.

Peter was momentarily overwhelmed. Who should he kiss first? Life was full of hard decisions. Hard decisions and hard dicks that urged him to take action a bit quicker. Damn that Corgi.

He didn't really need to make any kind of decision in the end, because the other two men made a move first. Johnny pulled him close and Wade pressed against him from behind. What a sandwich! Better than pb&j!

Johnny eagerly took off Peter's mask, and the hero didn't argue, because darn he just wanted to get rid of all these clothes. Wade's fingers tangled into Peter's brown locks and tugged at them, tilting Spidey's head back. His other hand was on Peter's waist, caressing and kneading gently as he lustfully looked at Johnny leaning forward and nipping at Peter's neck. Okay, maybe he was a little bit jealous too, but only because Spider-Man let out that beautiful moan and his hip buckled forward, thus pressing against Johnny instead of Wade.

Wade pulled Peter's hair a bit more. This way he could kiss the boy right on the lips as he dug into Spidey's waist with his fingers, pulling him back and pressing against his butt. Peter let out a sweet little noise at that. Johnny very much disliked this and placed his hand on Peter's other side, pulling him back towards himself. Peter grunted at being wordlessly bossed around like that, so he decided to take matters into his hand and started rocking his hips back and forth. He quickly decided he made the right call, because it felt pretty good.

There was a lot of undressing going on for a minute, and crying on Wade's part because he had a lot of accessories and clothes, he really wasn't dressed for smut. Soon they were stark naked, but that had nothing to do with Tony Stark, oh no. It had to do only with their hard cocks.

Johnny kept kissing Peter's neck and collarbone and sucking angry marks into his light skin. Wade's hands wandered up Peter's torso, caressing well-defined muscles the merc really enjoyed touching. Spidey let out a groan when Wade's fingers brushed against his nipples. Johnny's lips travelled up to Peter's, and they started hotly making out. Wade didn't wait for any kind of magic to happen either, he started grabbing and kneading Peter's butt. As things progressed, the merc realised they would probably need some supplies soon, so he left the sexy sandwich for a moment to retrieve some things and some stuff from his pouches, because he was always prepared for situations like this.

He returned to his new favourite place called Peter's butt, and after lubing up his fingers he looked at Johnny and made the most silent agreement with the young man ever, simply with a look. Johnny started planting kisses down Peter's torso until he was so deep he needed to kneel down. His hands caressed the spider-hero's muscled thighs, enjoying the feeling of them flexing as Wade started pleasing Peter too, though his case was a bit different from the matchstick's. He slipped his fingers down to Peter's hole and circled around it for a moment before pushing his index finger inside. Johnny chose that moment to place his lips around the head of Peter's cock. A loud gasp left the brown-haired hero's mouth.

Wade started moving his finger slowly, in unison with Johnny's movements who started bobbing his head. Peter let out a moan and threw his head back, thus leaning against Wade's shoulder entirely.

"Oh god, more," he breathed.

Wade leaned forward, mouthing at Peter's ear. "Gosh, you're so beautiful, baby boy." He nipped at the boy's ear and added a second finger.

At this point Johnny was giving Peter the blowjob of his life. Small noises started escaping Peter's lips, and his shaky fingers settled on Johnny's nape.

After deciding he has moved his fingers around enough, Wade added the third finger, stretching Peter further, and fuelling those sweet moans. He chastely kissed Peter before pulling out all of his fingers, done with the preparing. Johnny rose from his knees too, sending a sultry look towards Peter. The man groaned and pulled Johnny in for a desperate kiss. Wade gripped Peter's hips and watched the two heroes make out with a low whine in the back of his throat.

When they were done kissing Peter turned around to face Wade.

"God, just put the condom on already," he moaned. Wade didn't hesitate to follow the instruction.

The moment he looked up he was being pushed to the ground. He lied down and let Peter do his thing, which was apparently sitting on his very much erect cock, showing his back to Wade. Not that the merc minded – those back muscles were extremely beautiful as Peter moved.

Peter eagerly pulled Johnny closer to him, and as he rolled his hips – making Wade let out an obscene moan – he placed his mouth on Johnny's cock and started sucking him off, wrapping a hand around the base of the blond's dick to jerk him off where his mouth couldn't reach.

"Oh my god," Wade groaned. "Multi-tasking like that– I always knew you were a genius, Peter Penis-handler."

Peter just kept rolling his hips and working Johnny's dick with his mouth, making both men gasp and moan. Wade's hands found Peter's waist once again, caressing the soft skin and occasionally scratching. In the meantime Johnny threw his head back and called Peter's name shamelessly, making the other smirk around his cock.

Johnny came first, buckling his hips forward and pushing deeper inside Peter's mouth. Peter did his best to swallow it all as he kept mercilessly rolling his hips to please Wade too. Soon enough Wade also came, arching his back and moaning Peter's name with his deep gravelly voice. Peter pulled off of him and started pumping his own erection, eager to finally find his release. However, Wade sneaked up to him, wrapping his hand around Peter's cock to jerk him off and using his other hand to turn the boy's head towards him so he could kiss him deeply. Peter moaned into his mouth and his movements became uncoordinated as he rode out his orgasm. When he was done he opened his eyes and gazed into Wade's blue ones with a hazy look.

"Oh ew, that's too romantic," Johnny remarked with a grimace.

Peter turned to him with a scowl. "I just sucked your dick, so what the hell?"

"That was two minutes ago. I'm hungry now, so stop that lovey-gazey stuff and let's go back and get some food."

"Yeah, whatever, the spaceship is still not working," Peter rolled his eyes.

"Hah!" Wade chimed in. "Peter Party-pooper."

Then Johnny accidentally set the entire planet on fire because he forgot the air had methane in it.