Chapter Text
Haseul felt a tinge of guilt, like she was sneaking up on Sooyoung, but as soon as she pulled up in front of Sooyoung's house, that feeling was dimmed by the amount of longing that she felt to see Sooyoung again. It hadn't gone away, not for the weeks they didn't speak, but somehow being so close to who she wanted, Haseul's chest constricted so painfully that she actually needed a minute to breath.
The house was different than she expected. It was large, white, made of old bricks and surrounded by a patch of grass and a white picket fence. It looked perfect, actually, and Haseul's brow furrowed. She thought that Sooyoung had said they were struggling, but this looked fine.
Haseul supposed struggling could mean different things. It was just...seeing this picture perfect house made Haseul question the things Sooyoung had told her. What if Sooyoung had just been trying to gain her sympathy?
No. She wasn't like how Jinsoul said. Haseul had faith in her.
Haseul sat in her car, hands gripping the steering wheel as she tried to muster up the courage to go inside. She was terrified now. She remembered working on something to say but she couldn't remember it for the life of her. She was sure as soon as she saw Sooyoung it wouldn't matter anyway. She'd just get lost staring into Sooyoung's eyes. That was unless Sooyoung refused to see her, sent her back into her car and far away. Maybe she had a girlfriend now. Who knew? Not Haseul.
She was about to get out, to walk up the steps and finally confront all her fears, when she looked in her mirror and saw a car pulling up behind her in the street. More specifically, Sooyoung's car.
"You always do this!" Said a girl similar in Sooyoung's height but with a younger face. She stepped out of the car, slamming the door behind her. "I'm not my dad! Stop getting on my case for every little fucking thing!"
"If you aren't your dad than stop acting exactly like him!" Sooyoung's voice met Haseul's ears and Haseul couldn't help but suck in a breath, startled into silence.
"I'm nothing like him," Said the girl.
"Then why am I the one always cleaning up after you? He makes a mess and then you set it on fire, huh?"
"Shut up!" Cried the other girl, sounding close to tears.
"Go inside Olivia. I can't deal with you right now," Sooyoung sounded defeated.
Olivia sniffled. "You act like I'm not even related to you anymore,"
Sooyoung's silence was heavy. "Oli-"
"Don't," Olivia sounded cold. "If I remind you so much of Dad, then just leave me alone. You don't want to be my sister? That's fine,"
Haseul could hear Sooyoung breath out a large sigh and let her eyes follow Olivia into the house, frowning when she noticed how tense the girl looked.
"...Haseul?"
Haseul jumped, seeing Sooyoung staring at her in confusion through the reflection of the car. She gasped, looking away and hiding her face in her hand.
"Haseul I know it's you,"
"I-I didn't mean to eavesdrop," Haseul told her honestly.
Sooyoung sighed. "Come on, get out. We need to talk,"
Haseul scrambled out of her car, hurriedly following Sooyoung as she casually walked up the steps of her home, a bag slung over her shoulders and her head down turned.
Haseul was on her heels, fidgeting with her hands as Sooyoung opened the door and let them in without saying anything. The last time she had been this close to Sooyoung was well...different. Haseul wondered if she still thought about that.
The place inside was sterile and nice enough. Haseul could hear the faint sounds of someone in the kitchen and the mindless chatter of the tv in another room. She noticed Olivia's bag and shoes dropped by the front door, and there was a door to the basement that was left ajar.
"She spends most of her time down there," Sooyoung said softly when she noticed Haseul's staring. "She likes it,"
"Your home is nice," Haseul told her quietly.
"It's not my home," Sooyoung replied instantly. Haseul wondered if she still thought of Haseul as her home. Haseul certainly still considered Sooyoung to be something akin to home.
"Sooyoung? Oli? Are you guys home?" Called someone that Haseul assumed to be Sooyoung's mother.
"Yeah," Sooyoung called back. "She's downstairs, I'll be in my room,"
"Wait," Called a masculine voice, and Haseul felt upset when she noticed the way Sooyoung immediately tensed, subtly angling her shoulders in front of Haseul in the direction the voice was coming from; the room to their right.
A taller man stepped out, his eyes narrowed in suspicion and face cold. "Who is this?"
"No one," Sooyoung muttered. "It's none of your business,"
"What goes on in this house is my business. Or did you forget? Your dad is gone," The man said with the tiniest hint of a sneer. Sooyoung looked like she wanted to punch him, and without thinking Haseul reached out and grabbed Sooyoung's hand, rubbing her palm with her thumb. She felt relieved when Sooyoung's jaw unclenched.
"This is Haseul," Sooyoung said weakly.
"Haseul," The man turned her attention to her. "Is this one of your sick little phases?"
Sooyoung looked down. "No,"
"Just like your father, always tearing down the values of this country," He shook his head.
"My father was a good man," Sooyoung said quietly. Haseul watched her with a frown, not used to seeing Sooyoung so passive.
"Your father was nothing," The man laughed. "Just like you,"
"We should!-" Haseul tried to break them apart. "Study. We're going to study,"
"Yep," Sooyoung agreed, putting her arm around Haseul's waist and pulling her up the stairs. "We'll be in my room,"
She was literally dragging Haseul away from the guy, and Haseul barely had time to blink before Sooyoung was slamming the door behind them. She didn't even know how they crossed that much space in so little time. Haseul realized that Sooyoung's house was actually pretty big, with long hallways and several additional rooms. Sooyoung's room was twice the size of Haseul's, but it seemed like it had half as much stuff in it.
Sooyoung's back was turned to her, and Haseul could tell she was trying to regain her composure, so she let her be. Instead Haseul looked around the room curiously.
It had white walls, the carpet was gray like the rest of the upstairs, and one of the walls was lined with several windows. It was kind of nice, but it felt awfully empty and drafty. The only pieces of furniture in the room were Sooyoung's bed, a dresser, a beanbag chair that didn't look like it belong and a closet. It felt so...not Sooyoung-like. She imagined Sooyoung to be minimalist in her interior design choices but not sparse, not like she was ready to pack her bags and get up and leave at any moment.
That was what it felt like now. There was Sooyoung's suitcase open by her closet and her bag by her bed. It made Haseul feel uneasy, knowing that Sooyoung felt so uncomfortable that she couldn't even unpack.
"Are you...going somewhere?" Haseul asked her nervously.
Sooyoung cleared her throat, turning around and following Haseul's gaze. "I was at Jiwoo's,"
Oh. A weight settled in Haseul's chest.
"I see," Haseul said softly.
"Haseul," Sooyoung pleaded. "Don't do that,"
"Do what?"
"Pretend like it's okay," Sooyoung whispered. "Pretend like you don't care. I swear to you. She's my friend, she'll only ever be my friend,"
Haseul's chest hurt so bad she felt like crying into Sooyoung until she couldn't breathe, but she didn't.
"We're friends too," Haseul quietly said. "Do you do with her what you do with me?"
Sooyoung's eyes widened. "Seul-"
"I need to know if all this time you've been leading me on," Haseul looked up at her. "I need to know that I'm not just another notch on your bedpost. Because I try to tell Jinsoul you're different but it's getting harder to understand...why we're like this,"
"Fuck," Sooyoung ran her hands through her hair, a distressed look in her eyes. "I really didn't...oh fuck you must've thought I didn't care,"
Haseul's eyes welled up with tears. "What was I supposed to think?"
"I don't know," Sooyoung sat down on her bed, eyes down turned. "You must hate me now, don't you?"
Haseul should hate her. She should scream and shout, curse Sooyoung for her cruel actions. But she didn't think that was an emotion it was possible for her to feel towards Sooyoung.
She let her eyes wander again, and she spotted Sooyoung's matching sweater. Haseul would've figured it would've been thrown out or at least put away, but no...it was wrapped around one of the throw pillows on her bed. Did Sooyoung sleep with it?
"Never," Haseul told her. "I could never hate you. You're my best friend,"
Sooyoung bit her lip, her jaw clenching and making Haseul frown. She knew Sooyoung wanted to say something but she wasn't going to force her when she was in this delicate state. Sooyoung stiffened. "And you must want to know what that was about, with my stepdad,"
"No,"
Sooyoung looked up in surprise. "No?"
"Sooyoung, you'll cry," Haseul whispered. "And I hate it when you cry,"
"I will but..." She fiddled with her fingers. "If I'm going to cry, I'd want it to be in front of you,"
Haseul heart still pounded when Sooyoung said things like that. It shouldn't, but it did.
"Why does he..." Haseul shuffled with her fingers. "Why does he treat you like that?"
"My mom she um," Sooyoung sniffled. "When she had Olivia, my dad was still here. She grow up with him just like me but..." Sooyoung looked down. "About 5 years ago, he," Haseul inferred Sooyoung was referring to her stepfather. "Showed up. Claimed that Olivia was his daughter, and he was right,"
Haseul couldn't help but gasp. Sooyoung visibly flinched, and Haseul couldn't help but move forward and put her hand on Sooyoung's shoulder. Sooyoung leaned into her touch, and Haseul couldn't help but remember that it had been a while since they had been like this.
"My mom had cheated, and she'd been lying about it for years. My dad got it Olivia's dna tested, there was no doubt he wasn't her child. I think... I think it broke him, knowing that his wife had cheated so easily and for so long," Sooyoung swallowed a sob. "So he left, he just picked up one day and he was gone," She bit her lip. "Apparently I wasn't enough to get him to stay,"
Fuck. Sooyoung sounded so broken, like a little girl. Haseul wished she could make everything better, that she could wipe away the tears that trickled down Sooyoung's cheeks and hit her shirt. But she didn't, she waited for Sooyoung to finish her story.
"And then my stepdad moved in. He made my mom into this whole other person and he...he hates me," Sooyoung chuckled bitterly. "I'm a constant reminder of my father, and of course, a daughter who likes women," She scoffed. "It's unacceptable to him,"
"Oh Sooyoung..." Haseul frowned. "Why didn't you tell me all this?"
"I-I did. Just not the hard parts," Sooyoung sighed. "It was going well, my mom had kicked him out for a while, but when I left he came back,"
"You told me it was getting better," Haseul said softly. "More lies?"
"Haseul-" Sooyoung buried her face in her hands. "I'm so fucking stupid. I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to hurt you, you're so much more to me then just one night-"
"I texted you," Haseul's voice was weak, she felt pathetic but she didn't try to hide it. She was tired of not getting an answer. "And I called you. You didn't even read the things I sent,"
Haseul wanted to hear that she had gotten a new phone and hadn't seen the messages, or that she'd been out of service the whole break, but Sooyoung just hung her head.
"I fucked up," Sooyoung said softly. "I needed to push you away, Haseul. It hurt me too, more than you know-"
"It hurt you?" Haseul asked incredulously, her pain growing. "You left me alone! Without an explanation, without an apology, you couldn't even bother with a fake excuse! You left me, like I was nothing, to pick up the pieces. Why?"
Sooyoung shook her head. "Seul..."
"No. I need to know. All these loving words you've given me, the touches, the way you held me that night, what was it for?" Haseul asked.
Sooyoung shut her eyes and looked away.
"Do you even care-"
"I did it because I'm in love with you!"
That was not what Haseul had been expecting. She blinked, shocked, looking down at Sooyoung in disbelief.
"Okay?" Sooyoung said softer. "And there are so many reasons why I fought that,"
Haseul took a deep breath. "You...you love me?"
Sooyoung's eyes filled with tears. "Seulie..."
Sooyoung buried her face in Haseul's neck and Haseul's heart wrenched as she heart the quiet sobs Sooyoung was letting out. She didn't understand why that was so hard for Sooyoung to admit, but it seemed like this confession was painful for her.
"I hate what I did to you," Sooyoung said softly. "Hate that I touched you when we're only friends. I wanted us to be so much more,"
Haseul's words caught in her throat. "I..."
"Let me explain myself. From the beginning," Sooyoung sighed, as Haseul sat down next to her on the bed. Haseul wanted to reach out and take her hand, hold it tightly and help her through this, but she wasn't brave enough.
"I don't know exactly when I knew," Sooyoung's voice was timid. "But I've had feelings for...too long. I knew you didn't feel the same, when I asked you out, so I tried to push it down, but my feelings only got stronger," She lowered her head. "I couldn't help but want to be close to you. I don't know what it is that makes me crave your presence so much, but I feel like I can't breath unless I'm with you,"
She shot Haseul a nervous glance, and Haseul just stared right back.
"We were so close, and yet so far. I sometimes pretended you felt the same when we laid in bed at night, or when we had the movie nights. I was terrified of losing that, I couldn't tell you. I wasn't sure if you'd hate me,"
"Soo..." Haseul frowned. "I told you, I could never,"
"But I never thought of you the way you thought of me. I'm attracted to you, I let my eyes wander places they shouldn't and hold you too tightly. I betrayed your trust. I hated myself for it but fuck, it's just..." She blushed. "You're perfect. Absolutely perfect, you're every thing I want but you weren't mine,"
Haseul moved closer. "I-"
"I did try," Sooyoung looked at her. "I tried to pull away. I tried not to care when other people looked at you the way I did. But I always cared. I couldn't help but get possessive," She suddenly grabbed Haseul's face, cupping it in her palms. "There was something between us, right? I couldn't be imagining it, we were something more than friends,"
"Yes," Haseul uttered.
"I was just so so scared of hurting you," Sooyoung whispered. "Losing you. I was doing so well treating you like a friend until..." She looked down. "I kissed you,"
"And I kissed you back," Haseul replied. "Sooyoung, don't you see that I want this?"
Sooyoung shook her head. "Seul...I've done more than enough damage here. I'm a coward, I couldn't even face you in the morning," She laughed bitterly, wiping a stray tear. "Please go. I don't want you to see me like this,"
Haseul laughed incredulously. "Sooyoung, you're so stupid,"
Sooyoung sniffled. "What?"
"I'm in love with you too," Haseul smiled. "I'm so in love with you. I've been in love with you since the first time I met you," Haseul blushed. "I...I had no idea you felt the same,"
Sooyoung gasped quietly, her eyes wide. "Do you...do mean that?"
Haseul bit her lip, her eyes filling with tears. "Yeah,"
"Sorry, I know you wouldn't joke about this but," Sooyoung swallowed thickly. "I just kind of need to hear you say you're serious,"
"I'm serious," Haseul promised, cupping the older's cheek. "I've had these stupid feelings for you since the first time we talked,"
Sooyoung shook her head. "But...but you-"
"I was scared. I'm the coward," Haseul told her. "I didn't want to scare you off by admitting it so quickly. And you always talked about how you didn't want to be loved for your body,"
"That never really applied to you though," Sooyoung mumbled.
"Then I thought we were just friends, I wasn't going to-" Haseul wet her lips. "Risk all that. Everything I have with you? It means too much to me,"
Sooyoung smiled. "We're absolute idiots, aren't we?"
"Well," Haseul brought Sooyoung's hand to her lips. "There's a reason everyone thought we were dating,"
"I did a pretty terrible job of hiding my feelings," Sooyoung admitted sheepishly. She moved closer, till their faces were inches apart. "Haseul, I'm so sorry for hurting you, for ignoring you over the break. I didn't want to hear you say that it was over, I thought it would be easier if it was gone,"
Haseul shook her head, frowning. "It wasn't. I really needed you,"
"Even if I spend the rest of my life apologizing, it won't be enough," Sooyoung rubbed her cheek with her thumb. "I want to make it up to you,"
Haseul blushed. "You could kiss me. It won't make everything better, but it would sure help,"
Sooyoung pulled Haseul onto her lap and the younger shivered as Sooyoung's hands ran up her legs and then her back, holding her close. "You know, my feelings didn't fade, even for a second," Sooyoung told her as the pressed their foreheads together.
"Good," Haseul bit her lip. "Because mine didn't either,"
"Can I kiss you now?"
"You don't ever have to ask," Haseul told her softly.
Sooyoung tilted Haseul's chin and leaned in, connecting their lips in the gentlest and most chaste of kisses. Haseul's arms went around her neck, and Sooyoung smiled wildly into the kiss.
This was all Haseul had ever wanted. To just be with Sooyoung, loving her without guilt, embarrassment, regret or shame. To know that Sooyoung felt the same set her heart on fire. It was out of her dreams, and the longer they kissed, the more Haseul loved her. She loved Sooyoung. And Sooyoung loved her back.
Sooyoung pulled away after a few moments, looking shy. "I want to take you out. Properly, on a real date. One where I get to kiss you like this at the end,"
Haseul giggled. "Yeah? What do I get in return?"
Sooyoung's cheeks turned pink. "You can call me your girlfriend,"
Haseul would've teased her for her shyness if Sooyoung didn't look so damn cute. Instead Haseul cooed at her, pinching the older's cheeks, which for once, Sooyoung allowed, probably because she was too embarrassed.
"I'm calling you my girlfriend now," Haseul said in her ear. "No more waiting, no more of us being friends. I love you and you love me. That's all that matters,"
Sooyoung nodded, grinning. "Okay. Then we're girlfriends,"
Oh, how that sentence made Haseul's heart soar.
"Fair warning," Haseul started.
"Huh?"
"Jinsoul is going to kill you,"