Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Ugh, how much longer before we get to this stupid planet?” My companion mutters a few complaints on our way to our new mission. “Only a few more minutes now! Aren’t you excited!? We get to go to a whole other planet in an entirely foreign galaxy to study life on it!” Gaz rolls her eyes and ignores me.

My name is Dib, a scientist working for the Irken Empire. My apathetic partner is Gaz, a close ally of mine. We’ve been friends since the day we were taken out of our test tubes as smeets. Creatures on some other planets would consider us as close as “siblings,” which is an idea that sounds cool to me. Especially considering we were “born” only seconds apart.

“Aliens are stupid. Why can’t we just take their clearly inferior planet immediately?” Clearly, she has no idea how we work. “We have to study the enemy before making our attack. It would be idiotic to just go in guns blazing! We don’t know the hazards of this planet, or its inhabitants.” I briefly explain, finally entering the star system this planet resides in.

“Wow, that’s a tiny star.” I point out, this star system must be pretty young, considering their star, apparently called “The Sun”, is still in its main sequence stage of its life. “I think it’s that one, the third one.” Gaz points ahead to a blue planet not too far off. “There! I’m so excited!” I exclaim. This is the first planet we’ve been assigned to research by the Almighty Tallest.

It took several decades to convince Tallest Membrane to let us go on a mission, but recently, he finally accepted my requests! I don’t wanna do the research to help the Empire, I really don’t care what they end up doing with it. I just care about the amazing discoveries this could bring, all the new interesting life I’ve only read about! “This planet only has one moon? How interesting…”

We enter into the atmosphere, going through the planet’s grayish white clouds. It appears to be night on this planet, so the residents should be asleep. “Where should we set up our base?” Gaz asks as I observe the area, our voot is currently cloaked, so no one should be able to see us. “Here!” I suddenly put on the brakes and start going down. “This is a good empty spot. Don’t be too loud, we don’t wanna wake up the whole planet.”

I design our base and let it form, luckily our technology has advanced to much quieter machinery, so it was a very smooth and uninterrupted process. “Great, now we should start thinking about disguises! Gaz, did you scan the planet for different life forms we could impersonate?” Gaz grabs her tablet and scrolls. “These creatures seem to build the society here, things called ‘humans.’ They look gross.”

I couldn’t disagree more! They’re so interesting, what’s all that hair on their heads for? Why do they need five fingers on each hand instead of three? Their skin tones and structures have such a wide variety, it’s amazing! “Just pick the characteristics of these…things already.” Gaz demands, and I take the tablet from her hands. I take a few minutes deciding, once I’m finished, Gaz immediately takes back the tablet and does the same.

“Done, get in.” She practically shoves me into the casing, which re-encodes my PAK to be able to switch back and forth from this form at any time. Once it's finished, I glance down at myself in awe. “Oh my tallest! This is incredible!” I feel the hair on my head, the texture is strange, very different from my antennae. Gaz finishes too, and she looks just as fascinating! “Can we get inside now? Before anyone sees us?” Gaz requests, it’s then that we hear rustling.

Gaz pulls out a ray gun from her PAK and shoots into the darkness ahead, a yelp and rapid footsteps being heard getting quieter. “Great, not even five minutes on this ugly ball of dirt and we were seen! Get inside already!” She drags me by my new ears inside the house, it hurt a lot more than I expected it to.

“I’ll set up our fake identities. The forms we took on are adolescent age, or what this planet calls ‘teenagers.’ They have their own academy-like things to attend, something called a school. I’ll enroll us both so we don’t seem suspicious. Did you get all of that?” Gaz rambles, tapping her foot impatiently. “Yeah, I got it. I’ll research more into the behaviors and vocabulary of these humans.” We both go our separate ways in the base, I’m still worried about that thing that saw us.

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“Wow, this place is much smaller than the Irken academies back at home!” I smile. We stayed up the entire night doing research, and even got proper human attire. It’s inferior to the Irken uniforms we have, but it’s manageable. “I don’t wanna be here, it’s so…peopley.” While I’m more on the anti-social side myself, my curiosity takes over my anxiety. We step foot inside, and make our way to our first classes. History, perfect! A good opportunity to find out more!

I take a hesitant step inside of the room, where dozens of adolescents stare at me. Suddenly, the anxiety starts to form in my spooch. “Oh, right. You have a new student joining us today. His name is Dib. Say hello.” I take a big gulp and a strange human greeting. “H-Hello! I’m Dib! I come in peace and I’m not a threat at all!” I give a smile, they all seem bored. “Take your seat.” I do as the man tells me, finding an empty spot.

“Another bit of news, more dreadful than a new student, one is returning to us today. He came back from the Crazy House For Boys last night, to our dismay. Be sure to be nice or whatever once he enters the classroom. Or better, don’t talk to him at all.” I wonder what he’s talking about, a crazy person? I’m still not entirely sure what’s considered normal here, but that doesn’t sound too good.

Then, another student opens the door. “Speak of the devil.” The teacher mumbles. “IT IS I! I HAVE RETURNED!” He groans as the strange student throws his arms up. He looks strange compared to the other humans. His skin has a greener tint, and his hair is styled in an unkempt way. His lavender eyes then make contact with my golden ones. His smile fades as his eyes widen, his mouth agape. Unsure what to do, I give an awkward wave.

He’s quiet as he slowly retreats to another empty desk on the opposite side of the room from me. “...Welcome back, Zim. Anyway, we’ll start where we left off yesterday. For the newbie, keep up.” I nod, attempting to mimic the other human’s movements. I see the greener boy, apparently named Zim, continuing to stare at me. What’s his issue? I guess my disguise isn’t perfect, no one else has a PAK, my nails are a little long, and my teeth are still just a tad too irken. No matter, I’ll try to just ignore him for now.

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Finally, the day is over, that took much less time than I initially thought. I learned a lot about humans, not only their history, but parts of their language and speech, even their mathematics! It’s all inferior to how Irk is, but at least it made things easier to do. As I’m walking home, I feel a pair of eyes on me.
I turn my head to find Zim walking further behind me. Okay, no big deal, maybe his house is in the same direction as my base. His stare is intense though, not even blinking once. It’s kind of creepy. I once again elect to ignore it, instead, taking in my surroundings. The flora of this planet is very green, and other sorts of interesting colors. It smells interesting too, the pollen is strong here.

The air is somewhat moist, and puddles litter these streets. I stop to take a look at one of them. The water here is slightly discolored from Irk’s, the little we do have. Perhaps some kind of chemicals are in it? Pollutants? I go to start taking notes, pulling out my notebook with messy Irken sprawled across it. That’s when I feel a hand on my PAK shoving me forward, and I fall into the puddle. Then, pain suddenly begins to surge through me.

A scream escapes me as I throw myself out of the puddle, steam coming off of my mildly burnt skin. “Holy shit. I knew it, you ARE an alien!” I look up, seeing Zim on the sidewalk where I was. “N-No! Anyone would react like that when throwing them in acid!” He begins to laugh. “That’s just water. I knew you looked familiar, you were that alien I saw last night!” It was him? So a human really did see us!

He pulls out what I learned was a “phone,” and a flash emits from it. “Wow, a real alien! I haven’t gotten a good look at you without that disguise yet, I bet you look so cool without that stuff on. Can I see!?” What is this stupid human rambling about!? “I’m Zim! What’s your name, weird alien dude?” I hesitate, he could be a threat to the mission. But he doesn’t seem too threatening. How short, for a human…

“...Dib.” I mumble out, the pain from that polluted water has started to fade. “Weird name.” And Zim isn’t? “So cool. Who was that other alien next to you?” He asks too many questions. “You don’t need to know. Stay away from me, and don’t tell anybody about what you saw or I’ll-” He puts a finger over my lips. “Relax! I won’t tell another soul. This information is for me, and me only. I discovered you, so you’re my alien now!”

Zim’s weird, I still don’t think I can trust him. “You should come to my house! I wanna learn more about your species!” I don’t think that’s a good idea. “Awe, come ooon! I got some great snacks at home!” I blink, looking back at him. “Snacks? Hmm…I suppose I could stop by…just for a moment!” He smiles widely, grabbing my wrist and dragging me along. I was warned about him by other students. Apparently, he’s crazy.

We finally reach his house, and I was right, he doesn’t live too far from me. “So…what were you doing out so late at night? Humans are supposed to be asleep at the hour we arrived.” His house looks surprisingly average, save for a few misplaced garden gnomes. “I don’t sleep very much. I was unable to sleep even when I wanted to, so I went for a late night stroll. Then I saw you!”

Zim opens the door, allowing me inside. “Welcome home, son!” I see a man in the living room, getting a closer look, I see he has a prosthetic arm. “Who’s your little friend?” A blue haired woman comes into the room from the kitchen. “Hi mom, hi dad. This is Dib, an alien that moved in here a few blocks down.” I flinch, he said he wouldn’t tell anybody! “That’s nice, dear.” The woman, apparently his mother, completely ignores what he just said. Huh…perhaps humans are dumber than we thought.
“Don’t worry, my parents are probably the stupidest humans you’ll meet on this filthy planet.” Zim explains as he takes me into the kitchen, going into his cabinets. “Want a poptart?” I tilt my head. “What’s a poptart?” He pulls out a small box of pink frosted treats. “They’re good, just have one. This one is strawberry.” He opens a packet and shoves the poptart into my mouth.

“This…poptart. It’s delicious.” Zim smiles and hands me the box. “Have them then, I don't care for that flavor.” I smile brightly, maybe he is trustworthy! "Come up to my room! I wanna know more about your alien race." Right. I still don't trust him with any information about Irk, after all, he is the enemy. "I have some cool stuff to show you too! Come on!"

Everyone says he's crazy, but he seems nice enough. He tossed me in a puddle, but that was just to confirm a theory. He just seems like a kid with no friends who just gets excited about aliens, I can somewhat relate. "This is your room? It's so pink." It kind of reminds me of Irk, it's a little comforting. "Yes, it's my favorite color. Come, sit! I'll go get you a gift, to celebrate your arrival to this worthless planet." He suddenly gets up and leaves the room, leaving me alone.

I decide to do a short investigation, looking through people's things isn't very polite, but he's got me curious about him. There's a huge plush pink bed with fluffy magenta pillows, as well as a cotton-candy color blanket. It's weighted, and thick. His drawers aren't very interesting, stuff a normal human kid would own. He has me curious about his appearance too, I see a photo of him from when he was younger, he still had that greenish skin. Was he born with it?

I go to look through more things, until something finally catches my eye. "What's this?" I mumble to myself, reaching my hand into the dark corner of the closet, and notice a loose floorboard. I pull off the plank and set it to the side, and see a box in the hole on the floor. Secrets! I pick up the box and set it on my lap. Before I can open it though, Zim's arm comes into my field of view, as well as something metal. Before I know it, my wrists are bound, and I'm unable to move.

"Snooping through my stuff eh, alien?" I look up at him, and attempt to use my PAK legs, before a shock courses through me. "Nuh uh, I ain't letting you touch me. This is a taser that leaves electronics barely functioning! Pretty cool, right?" I growl at him, attempting to move, but to no avail. "You won't be able to escape. These are state-of-the-art handcuffs, made to render any extraterrestrial paralyzed as long as they're on. I'm so cool!" He throws his hands up proudly.

"Now, I'm gonna get the information I want from you, whether you like it or not. Where did you come from? What's your planet's name?" He asks as I attempt to move more. "I'm not telling you! Any information about my planet is heavily classified!" He then tasers me, though it's used for electronics, it still hurts really bad. "Try again. What is the name of your planet?" He shocks me again. "I-I-IRK! It's Irk! Stop!" I wasn't trained for this, this is usually something an Invader gets themselves into, not someone of my field!

"Irk? So cool. So what, you're a uh, Irken? I guess?" I nod. "That's so much cooler than 'Earthling!' Awe man!" He clears his throat. "Anyway, what are you here for? What's your goal? You gonna blow up the planet or something?" I stay silent, I shouldn't say. "First warning. Tell me." He turns on the taser, but keeps it retracted. I shake my head. "Second warning." He turns it on a higher voltage. "I can do this all day. What's your goal? Who do you work for?"

"I-I can't destroy the planet, that's not my job! I'm only here to study it, I'm just a scientist, it's Irk's decision if they want to invade!" He seems dissatisfied with the answer, but turns off his taser anyway. "Good alien. Now I wonder…do you have completely different organs?" Of course we would, we're from opposite sides of the universe. "There's only one way to find out, huh?" He smiles, but it sends a chill down my spine.

*KNOCK KNOCK*

"Zim? Dib? Are you two okay up here?" Yes, my savior! "HEL-" Zim slaps a hand over my mouth. "We're fine, dad! Having a lot of fun hanging out!" He puts on a convincing voice, it'd probably fool me. Luckily, he just put his hand in a spot we're most powerful if our PAK stops working. "OW! You fucking bit me!" He retracts his hand, and I use the advantage. "Let me go or I'll scream. Do you wanna be sent back to that crazy house the human instructor told me about?" Zim freezes in his place, even as blood flows out of his glove.

Then, he glares at me, and his hands are shaking. He approaches me, and I shut my eyes tightly and brace for an attack. Instead, the cuffs loosen with a click. I open my eyes and let my hands slip out of the cuffs, I can move! I look up at him, but the second I do, my vision flashes white and my face hurts. "Get out of my house. I swear, you filthy thing, I will rip out your weird organs and fucking eat them in front of you." My shoulders tense, and I get up with shaking legs, I still need to get adjusted to being able to move again.

I cautiously exit his room, feeling his eyes piercing into the back of my head. I head towards the front door, before a metal arm touches my shoulder. I flinch away. "Ah-! Sorry to scare you, bud!" Oh, it's just the Zim father. "Look, I uh…I just wanted to say that you probably shouldn't be around my son anymore." You don't say? "He has issues with violent outbursts- wait, what's that?" He puts his normal hand on my cheek, it hurts. "Shoot…I'm so sorry, on his behalf. I'll compensate for this later, I promise."

I pull away from him more, I just want to go home and plot a way to kill Zim for daring to put his hands on me. "It's fine, I don't care. Just keep him away from me." I spit out, stepping out onto the lawn, making my way back to the base. That lowlife scum! The audacity of that creature to restrain me and threaten my life! I'll have to keep my distance for now until I can find a way to pay it back.

Fortunately (or unfortunately), his house is close to mine, so it doesn't take long to get back home. I slam the door when I get inside, my PAK is also starting to heal me already. "Woah, rough day?" Gaz stops her project and turns to me. "Yes, very much so. Nearly got vivisected by a human. You were right, a human saw us, and he manipulated me into trusting him!" I rant, pacing around the house. "You're an idiot for trusting him in the first place. Remember what we're here for, certainly not to make friends."

"I know, I know I'm an idiot! I'll get him back though, if it's the last thing I'll do!" She rolls her eyes. "You're so petty. Just focus on our goal, then we can leave and never have to walk on this disgusting planet again." I take a deep breath, letting my muscles relax. "You're right, sorry. But if he comes near me, I'll defend myself!" She nods. "Sure, I don't care. Now stop bothering me and come help me." Maybe helping her can take my mind off of things for a while, so I agree.

Chapter Text

Ever since I met him, he won't stop harassing me. Zim. A weird human boy with some sort of skin condition that makes him greenish, and who's out for my blood. He's been unpredictable, doing little things such as harmless annoying pranks, yet also straight up attempting to kill me. No matter how much I avoid him, he manages to find me. I still don't have a plan to get back at him, it's definitely gonna be something petty though.

I have to find some sort of weakness, a flaw with him that I can exploit. And when I do that, I'll- "HEY SPACE STINK!" I turn my head at the sound of his voice, only to be assaulted with some sort of furry creature with really sharp claws! "Oh no, what a CATastrophe!" It scratches up my face, this thing is really aggressive! I throw it off of me, and it scurries away. Meanwhile, Zim's laughing and recording the entire ordeal. "ARGH! Leave me alone already! What is your problem!?"

"I don't have a problem! It's just funny seeing you get hurt. You're such an easy target, really, you should at least try to fight back!" I could fight back, but apparently it's frowned upon to kill someone on this planet. "It's pathetic, really. You're an alien, and can't even fight a mere human!" Zim continues to mock me, then walks away. "I HATE YOU SO MUCH!" I shout at him as he walks away. I can feel my eye twitch, and my ears burning. I'll get him back, I will.

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On the same day, I finally arrive back at school. I feel a tap on my shoulder. "Hey, Irk boy." Just ignore him, he's probably just thriving off of my reactions. If I ignore him, he'll go away and find someone else to terrorize. "Space maaaan~" He calls, getting into my field of vision now. He's holding a water bottle in his hand, giving me a menacing smile. "Don't." I quietly warn. "I won't do it if you get on your knees and beg me not to!"

"No way.Any good Irken would rather die than show submission or obedience to a filthy creature like you." I scowl, glaring into his metaphorical soul, since he clearly doesn't have one. Zim twists off the bottle cap and throws the bottle at me, but it doesn't doesn't do anything. "Wha-" I smirk. "I found a way to make my body hydrophobic, so that little trick won't work on me anymore. How do you like that, Earth scum?" Zim huffs and picks up his empty bottle, when a nearby teaching drone spots us.

"Zimothy Roboson!" Who? "Clean up this mess right now!" Is she talking to Zim? "But-" She hands him a mop and storms off. "Do it or I'll write you up again!" Wait. Oh my Tallest, is that his name? "Your name is Zimothy??" I ask, snorting. Suddenly, his face goes red. "ZIM'S NAME IS ZIM! I DON'T KNOW ANY ZIMOTHYS!" He shouts, hastily mopping at the floor and not making any eye contact. I burst out into laughter, that's such a stupid name! "SHUT UP! Get out of my sight before I shove this mop up where the sun doesn't shine!"

"Alright, cool your jets, Zimothy." I grin as his face flares up more. Before he can attempt to take my life, I wave a farewell as I rush away to safety. On the way, someone bumps into me. "Hey, watch where you're going!" The person speaks, and I look at them. It's a human girl with blue hair with purple clothing. "Apologies, I'll just be on my way now!" Before I can rush past her, she grabs my jacket. "Running away from Zim again? I don't know why he's so obsessed with you." She knows Zim!

"Name's Tak. I'm Zim's, like, only friend." A friend? I thought he didn't have any friends. Zim runs past the corner and slams into her as well. "Out of my way, you-!" Zim stops at the sight of her. "Oh, hi Tak!" He smiles, while she gives a low growl. "You're both so stupid." She grumbles under her breath. "Zim! This girl says she knows you." Zim nods, going in to give Tak a hug. "Yep, we've been friends since babies!" Tak shoves him off, and he tumbles to the floor. "Don't touch me. And for your information, I'm not a girl." She- he? Tak, Tak glares at me.

"Sorry! Are you a boy?" Tak shakes Tak's head. "I'm neither. I'm not a girl or a boy, I'm just Tak. Don't call me she, I use they/them, or just Tak is fine." Interesting! Irkens don't have sexes, so I don't quite understand humans in that aspect. Tak being neither is actually a lot easier for me! "Okay, Tak. Anyway, Zim! I thought you didn't have friends, but you claim they're your friend." Zim gasps at my assumption. "How dare you! Zim has many friends! What made you think otherwise!?"

"I dunno, maybe it's because you're loud, annoying, and no one sane would wanna be around you." I explain, not bothering to sweeten the blow. "Tell me about it. I've had to put up with this for years." Tak mutters. "If you have so many friends, where are they? Aside from Tak." Zim goes to shout more, but pauses. "...A-Around!" He finally gets out, damn, Tak's his only friend? How sad, and here I thought humans were codependent creatures. Maybe that's why he's so crazy. 

"Anyway, if you're done bickering with each other, I gotta take this weirdo to class. Thanks to you both, we're late." Shoot! I forgot about that! I've never been late to anything in my entire life! "Class is so boring though!" Zim whines, and is about to run off when Tak lifts him off the ground. How strong are they!? "Woah! You're quite strong." They shrug. "Not really, he's just lighter than a feather. It's still difficult, especially when he starts-" Zim flails around while yelling human obscenities. "-squirming. Ugh, you're such a baby! You're too old to be throwing tantrums!" I can't help but laugh.

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Humans consider this slop as food!? I poke at the meat with the fork in my hand, and it practically screams at me. Suddenly, someone with a familiar, annoying, shrill voice sits across from me. "PREPARE TO MEET YOUR DOOM!" What is he on about now? "Go ahead, Dib. Eat your food." His voice is starting to make my head hurt. What'd he do to my food? "Not happening, you did something to it. Where's your food anyway? Humans are supposed to have a meal of proper substance at least 3 times a day."

"All that this school serves is gross meat! Where's any kind of fruit or something!?" He complains. "What's wrong with meat?" Irkens aren't carnivorous in any way, we mostly maintain a sugary diet. But humans are omnivores, so meat should be in their diet too. "I'm vegetarian, Dib-shit. Meat is so repulsive. Makes me wanna vomit." Bingo. I smile and slowly get up with my tray. What was this stuff called again? Bologna? Such a dumb name. I approach a now confused Zim. "BOLOGNA!" I toss it at him, and he falls back in surprise.

"YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!" Zim picks up the meat and tosses it to the side, holding his face. "C'mon, I didn't hit you that hard." He slowly gets up and reaches for his bag. "I'm allergic to meat, dickhead!" Humans can have allergies too? Interesting. "Oops." I can't really feel too sorry, he's just some human that wants me dead. I'm just getting him back. Zim rummages through his bag, muttering about the location of some item with a name that's hard for me to pronounce. He then pulls some sort of injection device, and rolls up the legs of his sweatpants, putting it into his thigh. What an interesting device.

Zim's face is red, I'm unsure if it's from anger or his allergies, probably both. Abruptly, he lunges at me. I let out a yelp, and before I can react, he punches me across the face. "I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU, YOU HEAR ME!?" He grabs at my faux hair too, which are just my antennae disguised. "Ow, stop! That hurts!" Zim throws my head back down against the hard ground, and a crowd is starting to form, chanting for us to fight. Fine, if it's a fight Zim wants, then it's a fight he'll get.

I kick him off of me and get on top of him, punching him back, aiming for his sniffer. Attacks like this are so primitive, but I can't risk actually killing him in front of this many witnesses. Zim scratches my face, and I yank him by his hair as payback for earlier. He gets on me again, this time, wrapping his hands around my neck and squeezing tightly. I scratch at his clothed arms and try to shove him off, but his grip is really tight. "Ooooh shit! New kid's gonna die!" I hear an inferior child call, I'm not gonna die! I won't die to some lowly human! "What's the meaning of this!?" Finally, a teacher drone!

He manages to get Zim off of me, having to practically pry his hands off of my neck. "Both of you, to the principal's office, NOW!" He drags Zim and I, both of us being bloodied and definitely bruised. The adult opens a door and throws us both into this office-type room. My head snaps forward when the sound of a throat being cleared is heard. Oh no, it's the school's form of a Tallest. "You've come to my office again, Zim. The new kid now too?" What should I do? How do normal humans treat their authorities?

"I'm very disappointed in you boys, I'll have to call your parents. In the meantime, a 7 day in-school suspension. You'll be spending time in the detention room for the entire week. If either of you lay a hand on each other during that time, I'll extend your sentence." A sentence!? But I didn't do anything wrong! "Sir, I was defending myself! Zim assaulted me first!" Zim pinches my arm, and I pull away. "No, he threw bologna at me when I'm highly allergic to meat, even if it just touches me!" I roll my eyes. "How was I supposed to know you were allergic?"

The principal suddenly slams his hands against his desk, silencing us both. "I'll be calling your parents, and we're all going to have a serious talk, Zim. Dib, I'll be calling your sister." Awe man, she's gonna lecture my antenna off. "Both of you, sit down." I do as he says, he's so tall. He grabs a phone and looks at his computer, probably at our information. He starts dialing. "Mr and Mrs Roboson? Yes, I have Zim in my office again." He begins, and waits for a response. "Yes, he's in big trouble. He attacked another student. He's going to have to be suspended for another 7 days, including the weekend."

I look over at Zim, who's holding a tissue to his busted and bleeding nose. He's weirdly quiet, and his head is hanging low. "Yes. I understand, ma'am. But if he keeps up this behavior, I'm going to have to permanently expel him from my school." Zim's eyes go wide at that. "Wait-" He speaks up, but he ignores Zim. "We need to have a talk, come to the school when you can. Yes. Thank you, you too." He hangs up and dials another number. It takes longer for the other line to answer, but it does. "Hello, is this Gaz?" Well, I'm dead.

"Dib's here in my office, he got into a fight with another student. Yes. He's going to have to be suspended for a week, including weekends." This sucks. "Could you repeat that? Oh, yes. Alright, thank you. Goodbye." He hangs up, she probably doesn't really care, but I'm still tense. I feel like I did something really bad. Normally, we Irkens get beatings as punishment, so I guess a short suspension isn't so bad. "Dib, go make your way to the detention room to start off your suspension, Zim, you stay here." Ha, he's gonna get in so much more trouble than me! He deserves it anyway.

"Yes sir!" I stand and leave the room, but I'm morbidly curious what other punishments he'll receive. I think I'll stick around. I wait around in the hallways for a while, it's almost too quiet in that room. Normally Zim is loud and obnoxious, but I hear nothing. Then, a door opens, and his parents come in. I go to hide so they don't see me as they enter the office. Finally, some noise can be heard. "Oh my god, Zim! Are you okay baby?" I hear his mother call out. "I'm fine, don't touch me!" I hear him smacking her away lightly.

"Thank you for coming. I want to talk to you about Zim's behavior." The parents are quiet, and Zim is too. "I'm afraid that if this continues, he will no longer be welcome on these grounds. If that happens, he cannot cross the property line, if he does, he can be arrested." Arrested? Sounds suitable for him. "I'm sure he was upset, and just reacted! Please don't expel him, I promise he won't do this again!" I hear a sigh. "You said this last time, and the times before that. He's going to have to be sent back to The House-" I hear a chair squeak.

"Wait! Don't send me back! I-I'm sorry, I won't do this again, really! Just don't send me back, please!" Woah. I've never heard him with this tone before. "I'll do community service, I'll serve t-time, I'll do anything!" His voice is shaking, I wonder what his expression looks like. "Zim's already been there five times now, and he only gets worse each time he comes back! It's clearly not helping!" The father finally speaks out. "We'll just take him out of school if worse comes to worst. If he gets sent back a sixth time, he'll have to stay forever. That'll drive him even more mad!"

Mad? Also suitable for Zim. "I'M NOT CRAZY! I'm not mad, or weird, or ANYTHING !" He suddenly shrills out. "I HATE YOU ALL! I HATE EVERY ONE OF YOU FILTHY THINGS! FUCK YOU! LEAVE ME ALONE!" Zim then bursts through the door, making a run for it. I'm taken aback as the parents run out too. "Zim, baby, wait!" The mother calls, but he's long gone. He's already left the school now, where's he gonna go anyway? He can't hide forever. Then, the mother drops to her knees and starts sobbing uncontrollably. "Honey, calm down, he'll come back. He always does." She hiccups. "Where did we go wrong..?"

I'll have to get more information out of the two later. I mentally note the new information I've just received about him. He's a consistent captive at "The House," he has a long history of delinquent behavior and general violence, and- "You're gonna have to think about what's best for him. We don't want a repeat of last year's incident that sent him to The House last time. Think about what's not only best for him, but best for those around him, yourselves." The principal speaks as the mother continues crying. "I know you love him, but he can't keep getting away with harming others."

Interesting. Eavesdropping is very useful. Before I'm spotted, I scurry away to the classroom where I have to stay for the remainder of the day. My wristwatch beeps at me, Gaz is calling. "Hello-?" I answer before she yells at me. "What did you do now!? We're supposed to stay undercover and not draw any attention to ourselves, idiot!" She barates and lectures, and I roll my eyes. "Zim started it! Little shit decided to try and kill me!" I sit down at one of the desks before I hear someone's voice. "No electronics in detention. Turn it off." I groan. "Gotta go, Gaz. We'll talk later." I hang up on her before she can respond.

"LET ME GO, ASSHOLE!" The principal comes in, holding a squirming Zim up. I laugh to myself, as it's pretty humiliating for him yet entertaining for me. The man sets Zim down and shuts the detention door, and Zim can't get it open. The teacher drone of this classroom grabs Zim too and puts him in a seat. Wow, he's really being tossed around like a ragdoll! "What's so funny!?" Zim takes a look at my amused expression with boiling red anger. "They have to handle you like a smeet, it's hilarious." I tease.

"First off, what the fuck is a smeet? Second, fuck you! Fuckin' dick!" A ruler smack is heard from the instructor's desk. "No bickering. You are to remain here until you can stop trying to rip each other's throats out." Great , a get-along room, I don't know how this day can get any worse. Zim sits and is, for once, completely silent. He's sacrificing his annoying voice in order to do everything in his power to not get along with me. Whatever, I'm okay with sitting in silence. I'll stay here forever if I have to.

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This stupid drone hasn’t let us leave for five hours now, he’s really serious about getting us to get along! Stupid Zim…he’s the one that got us in here in the first place. I have to swallow my pride and attempt a conversation if I ever wish to leave this dreaded room. I turn to Zim, who’s fidgeting with a pencil. Well, more like squeezing and bending it until it breaks into smaller pieces. “Hey, Earth boy.” I call, and he looks towards me. “What do you want? Leave me alone.” Zim starts to chew on one of the smaller pencil pieces.

“Look, if you ever wanna get out of here and go home, we gotta at least try to get along.” I mean try as in pretend, I don’t think I can ever genuinely be friendly with someone like Zim. “I don’t really wanna go home, so I’m fine staying here. Plus, if it makes you have to stay here and suffer though, even better!” Zim smirks at me, I can feel one of my disguised antennae twitch in irritation. This stupid Earthling boy gets on my nerves far easier than any other creature or Irken has.

“Ugh, you’re so difficult! I’d rather deal with hundreds of smeets than spend a day with you.” I groan and plant my head in my arms. “You still haven’t told me what the fuck a smeet is!” I look over and begrudgingly begin to explain. “Smeets are Irken babies, that’s really it.” I shrug, and the teaching drone glances at me. “Awe, look at you two getting along now. Even playing some make-believe. Aren’t you two a little old for that? I mean, come on, Irken? Smeet?” He laughs and goes back to reading his book

Zim and I both glare at him before going back to looking away from each other. Until Zim leans over towards me. “At least we can talk about you being an alien in public, since this planet’s too fucking stupid to believe either of us.” I nod, actually agreeing with him for once. “Why wouldn’t you want anyone to believe me? Don’t you wanna expose me as an alien? It’d get you a lot of attention.” Zim shrugs and rests his chin on his palm. “Like I said, you’re my alien. I discovered you. You’re mine ‘til the day I die.”

“You’re so creepy.” I comment, cringing lightly. “Yeah, I get that a lot.” He chuckles. His face returns to a default position though, his eyes looking off to the clock. “You overheard us, huh?” I tilt my head at his question, a little flustered at getting caught. “Uh, yeah. So?” Zim sighs and leans back in his chair. “Yeah. Everyone still thinks I’m crazy, even my own parents.” Because you are. But I decide against saying that thought out loud.

“I’m really not crazy, it’s everyone else that’s weird. I’m just trying to live my goddamn life, and everyone keeps getting in my way!” He rants, throwing his hands up. “What, like trying to stop you from killing and dissecting me?” I ask snarkily, and Zim gives me the side eye. “You’re an alien, so it doesn’t matter if I eradicate you. You’re the invasive species here.  So I won’t feel too bad about spilling your guts out.”

“Not like you could for long, Irkens have superior regeneration abilities. I’ll heal before you get the chance to explore my insides.” I comment, chewing on a claw. Apparently, humans call their claws nails. “I guess I’ll just have to keep gashing my scalpel in you  to keep you open and I can keep discovering your biological secrets.” He smirks, making direct eye contact with me. “You’re disgusting.” I simply remark before ignoring him again.

“I’ve found myself quite infatuated with you! You’re way more interesting than any other of the stupid humans around.” What? He’s being weird again, then again, when is he not weird? “I suppose I can take that as a compliment. Yes, I am better than your species.” Zim smiles wider, and suddenly gets closer. “You really are. Why do you think I pick on you so much? I just really like you.” What on Irk is he talking about? He must be down with what humans call a “flu” if he’s talking like this.

Zim suddenly wraps his arms around me, and I go to yell at him before he yells first. “You’re just sooo cool! I just wanna be friends, and I dunno how else to tell you aside from bullying you!” He’s obnoxiously loud, and I try to shove him off before I hear another voice. “That’s better. See? You two can be good friends, you just need to set your differences aside. Do you think you can do that?” Zim slaps a hand over my mouth before I can protest. “Yep! Best friends!”

What is going on with him!? What’s with the sudden affection and love-piggy stuff!? “Good, you two are free to leave now. Remember, no fighting.” Zim nods before leading himself and I out the door. Once the door closes, he finally releases me and steps several feet away from me. “Ugh, I’m gonna need a long shower after that.” His tone returns to normal, and he looks disgusted with me as usual. That’s much better, all that stuff before was too weird for me.

“What was that!?” I yell at him as he tries to walk away. “Stop worrying so much, stinky. It was just an act to make him let us out of that horrific room.” But I thought he said he wouldn’t mind staying in that room. Whatever, at least I can go home now. “Stop looking so flustered, none of that was real. You really think I could ever feel that way for anyone? Let alone you? Don’t make me laugh.” Thank Irk. I don’t know what I’d do if Zim wanted me as his love-pig.

“Run along home, alien-filth! We’ll finish what we started tomorrow morning, just not on school grounds this time.” I agree, I wasn’t done beating him to a bloody pulp. “I’ll be there to watch you squirm and scream.” I reply with a toothy grin. “I look forward to it, though it’ll be you doing the screaming and squirming.” He poked my chest with a gloved finger before finally marching away. Finally, I can go home. Tomorrow, I’ll kill him.

Chapter Text

A rare moment of peace between us, just sitting in the cafeteria without even speaking to each other. Zim keeps glancing at a gadget I've been working on, but looking away whenever I catch on. Tak's sitting across from us on their phone, not paying attention at all.

"What do you want?" I finally address Zim's constant staring, and he flinches. "What are you making? Some kind of doomsday device to wipe us all out? Or maybe some kind of teleporter to get places easier?" Without any prompting, he takes it from my hands and inspects it. "What is it?"

"First of all, hands off of my stuff." I take it back. "Secondly, it's not a doomsday device. Like I said, I'm not interested in destroying this planet at all. I'm just researching, then leaving. My leader will decide if this place is worth invading at all." I don't have to worry much about Tak knowing I'm an alien, I've learned that they block out a lot of our conversations with headphones.

"Your leader? Ooohh, so you have a leader! Who are they? What do they look like? Do they have like, super advanced technology and stuff?" Zim continues rambling with questions before I finally shut him up. "Be quiet, I'm not answering any of those questions." I leave it at that and stay silent again as Zim attempts to argue with me.

"So what, you're just gonna like, find some shit out about Earth and then leave? No mass theft of materials, no abductions and experimentations of humans at all?" He almost seems disappointed that I'm not doing any of that. "No, not unless I have to. I may take a few notable creatures to study their biology, but other than that, no." Zim pouts.

"Your kind sounds boring, or maybe it’s just you.” I roll my eyes and continue tinkering. “So what is it then, if it’s not a doomsday device?” I sigh, still not looking at him. “It scans any creature and automatically reads a bunch of data about its brain.” Zim sticks out his tongue. “Sounds boring.” He slumps on the table and pokes at the school lunch, looking nauseous.

“I wonder what it would say about you!” I grin mischievously and point the scanner at him. “Maybe I can find out more weaknesses and use them to beat you later.” Zim shrugs, not seeming to care too much. The scanner takes a bit longer than I’d prefer to read him, something I should fix later. “Finally!” I take a look at the results from the scan.

“How interesting.” Zim raises an eyebrow towards my direction. “Obviously, some things I already knew, such as general imbalance in hormones. Apparently quite common for ‘teenagers,’ but this is more interesting to me. Your serotonin levels are pretty low, while your dopamine is super high.”

“What are you, my doctor now?” Zim laughs, sipping on his water bottle. “There’s a lot of things off here. It almost looks like there’s a very minor case of serious brain damage here.” I’m not sure what to make of this, maybe Zim had some sort of accident. It would certainly explain his erratic behavior. “Yeah? Wooow, I totally didn’t already know that.”

“Don’t get sarcastic with me. How’d that happen anyway? Hit your head a little too hard?” I roll my eyes and discard the information, not very useful to me. “No, I got run over by a car when I was suuuper little. Apparently I’m lucky to even survive that, but eh, I disagree. Because now I have to be around a disgusting alien all the time.”

“You don’t have to be around me, you can always just leave me alone and let me do my work.” I glare, my tone having a sliver of irritation. “But it’s funny to bother you.” Zim grins at me and finally shoves his school slop away. “Well, you won’t have to worry about me eventually, since I’m gonna end up leaving at some point once I gather enough information.”

“Yeah, then I won’t ever have to see your ugly green face again.” One of my eyes twitches. “You have a green face too, idiot.” He laughs. “Well I’m not an alien, and my green skin is prettier than yours.” It’s my turn to laugh now. “Oh please, yours is far too blemished, dry, and covered in acne. Mine is quite smooth.”

“Maybe I should take off your skin and wear it then.” I blink, unable to process what he just said. “Can you stop being weird for like, five minutes?” Zim shakes his head. “No can do, buckaroo. I’m apparently a pretty weird and fucked up guy, get used to it.” Ugh, he’s a huge pain sometimes. Then, the intercom speakers come on all of a sudden. “Zimothy Roboson and Dib Membrane to the main office please, Zimothy Roboson and Dib Membrane to the main office.”

“Uh oh, what’d we do?” Zim asks, and I glare at him. He’s an idiot. “Fine, what did we do in particular?” That’s better. “Good luck boys, don’t die by the hands of the principal.” Tak speaks up, then goes back to their phone as if they said nothing at all. “Uh, yeah, thanks. Let’s go, Zimothy.” I pick up my bag and stick my scanner into it. Zim growls in a low tone.

Zim and I make our way down to the office while I think of what we could’ve done this time. Maybe it’s about how he pulled the fire alarm to make the sprinklers go off, completely drenching me in their filthy water. Or maybe about how I hit him with a ray gun that made a bunch of hair grow on him spontaneously. Took him forever to get back to normal, haha.

We finally make it, and Zim’s parents are standing there. “Ah, there you are. Zim, your parents are here to pick you up.” Zim tilts his head and approaches his parents. “Why? What’s going on?” I’m also confused, especially as to why I’m here too. “Apparently they’re taking you too, Dib.” What!? Why!? “HUH!?” Zim seems just as appalled as I am.

“I feel like you two would be great friends if you weren’t fighting all the time, so we thought we could take you both out to eat and just talk!” Zim’s father explains, and the mother nods. I groan in annoyance. Just fantastic. “I uh, I’m actually reeeally busy today! And, ahaha, uhh…” Zim’s parents look into my eyes. I’m not sure what they’re feeling, but I don’t like that look. I sigh. “Fine, I’ll go.”

“Thank you so much for making time for us!” The mother runs up and wraps her arms around me. I immediately freeze up, as most affectionate contact like this is forbidden among irkens. “Don’t touch me!” I glare as she releases me. “Don’t I get a say in this!? I don’t wanna be all buddy-buddy with Dib!” His father turns to him.

“You’re still in a lot of trouble, young man. And if making you two get along fixes the constant fighting and in-school suspensions, then I’m gonna make you.” He lectures, as Zim crosses his arms and pouts. “Okay then, we’ll pick you two up after school today! Bye honey, I love youuu!” Zim’s mother grabs his face and smacks her lips onto his cheek. “Ew, mom, stop! The germs!!” She laughs.

I can’t help but laugh at this strange form of affectionate torture for Zim. “Why couldn’t you have just called me and told me all this? Why did you have to come to the school?” Zim complains with his grating voice. “Calls went straight to voicemail. You need to start charging your phone more.” Zim, now confused, pulls out his cellular device, only to realize that it’s completely dead. “Oops. Sorry, dad.”

“We’re going now, don’t get into any trouble before we come get you two. Dib, be sure to let your parents know that we’re grabbing you.” I tilt my head in confusion. “I live with my companio- sister! I live with my sister.” Now it’s their turn to be confused. But before they can ask any more questions, Zim practically shoves them out the door. “OkaybyemombyedadniceseeingyouGOAWAY!” He shuts the door and lets out a breath.

“Wow. They’re quite the embarrassing duo.” Zim’s face turns red and he bites towards my direction like some sort of rabid animal. “Only I get to talk shit about my parents! Also, I KNOW! God, why can’t they just leave me alone and let me beat up whoever I want?” I chuckle, he must have been a difficult smeet to raise. “See you soon, Zimmy Wimmy! I wuv youuu, smooches!!” I mock in an overly high pitched voice, and I receive a harsh punch in the arm by Zim. “Shut the fuck up!”

In a rare moment, I actually listen to his request and stay quiet as I leave the room. The end of the day is in another few hours, since lunch just ended. I never actually got to eat, so I’m glad his parents are taking us out somewhere to eat. I doubt the food will be nearly as good as the irken snacks back home, but it’ll have to do. I wonder how this will turn out…

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It’s strange standing this close to Zim without wanting to beat him. But I’m not in much of a mood to fight right now, and it seems like Zim isn’t either, since he’s quiet too. Not even looking at me. “I don’t like this either, but let’s just amuse your dumb human parents for now. We’ll go right back to fighting tomorrow, okay?” I reassure him, and he huffs. “Don’t call my parents dumb. Only I get to do that.” I roll my eyes. We both see a bright magenta car pull up in front of us, his parents are in it. “Hi Zim, hi Dib!”

“Hello, miss. Hello, sir.” I decide that with human adult authority figures, it’s best to stay polite to keep myself on the down-low and not cause more trouble. “Go ahead, get in, kids! I got just the perfect playlist for this occasion!” But I’m not a- whatever. I’m not gonna bother. And what’s this playlist she speaks of? “Oh god no, mom! Please, not that playlist.” His mother giggles. “Aww, don’t wanna be embarrassed in front of your friend?”

“HE’S NOT MY FRIEND!” Zim suddenly shouts, and his father jerks his head towards his direction “Do not raise your voice at your mother!” He scolds harshly, and Zim just huffs and gets inside the car. I do too. “Jeez, you’re even loud with your parents.” I tease. “I AM NOT LOUD!” I raise an eyebrow at him in doubt. “I-I mean,” Zim clears his throat, “I am not loud. I’m perfectly capable of an indoor volume.”

Noise escapes the stereos inside of this vehicle, something this human apparently calls music. “Ugh, mooom! I hate your weirdo music.” She smiles as she sings along, clearly ignoring him. Now I see where Zim’s volume habits come from…she’s so loud, it hurts. This is going to be a long drive. “We’re going to SlurpSlushee, Zim! Your favorite.” His father coos, smiling brightly as he drives. “We’re going to SlurpSlushee?” Zim’s eyes brighten, and suddenly he sits perfectly still and calm. Like an obedient smeet.

“Is your little friend allergic to microplastics of any kind?” I blink, micro-what? “I don’t know! And stop calling him my friend!” Agreed, it’s uncomfortable having that term used on me. “You better behave, Zim. Or we’re not going to SlurpSlushee for a month.” Zim grips the back of his father’s seat. “WHAT!? THAT’S NOT FAIR! I WANNA GOOO!” I cover my ears again. “Then behave.”

“I just didn’t wanna go with him…” He looks at me, sticking his tongue out in what I can assume is an offensive gesture. "C'mon son, just try to have some fun. Who knows? Maybe you two have more in common than you think!" I scoff. "Likely." I mumble to myself sarcastically. "I could never have anything in common with alien scum." I hear Zim murmur as well. Well, one thing we have in common, we don't like these two.

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We arrive at what I assume is the place. It's some sort of small shack that sells an assortment of frozen treats. "So what's a 'slushee'?" I ponder, looking at the photos they have up of the colorful icey cups. "It's spelled differently, but it's only the best treat in the world next to Fun Dip! Just try one, you'll like it." Zim seems a lot chipper now that we're actually here.

"Ah, hello again! You want your usuals, I assume? Two popsicles and a slushy for your boy?" A lady in a cap asks with a bright smile. "Yes, of course! And, actually, an extra slushy for this young man." His mom gestures to me. I'm really not as young as she thinks I am, I'm considered an adult on Irk. How old are these three, anyway?

The four of us sit at a nearby table and wait for our drinks in an awkward silence. "So…how did you meet our son?" The father breaks the ice. "He shoved me into a puddle, called me an alien and then invited me to his house." I bluntly answer, they seem concerned. "B-But I'm not an alien! No aliens here!" I awkwardly laugh. "Well, of course. Aliens aren't real, silly." Phew.

"Why don't you tell us more about yourself? Where are your parents?" There it is again, asking about my parents. "I live alone with my sister. My parents are…" Quick, think of an excuse! "Overseas. They travel a lot for work, but Gaz and I are old enough to take care of ourselves. We've kinda taken care of each other our whole lives."

"What a lazy excuse." Zim mumbles to me, clearly unsatisfied with my alibi. "Ohh, they work overseas? If your sister and you have taken care of each other for so long, you must have a very strong bond then." I sweat, looking to the side. "Uh, not really. I think she's cool, but she kinda hates my guts." I chuckle nervously.

"I doubt that! Siblings pretend to hate each other all the time, it's just what they do. I'm sure she loves you very much, just has a hard time showing it." Thing is, she's not actually my sister, just a coworker I've worked with my entire life. But I can't exactly tell them that. "Zimmy's always been an only child from what we know."

"From what you know? You'd know, you're his parents." They look apprehensive to explain, until Zim speaks up. "I'm adopted. They used to be my neighbors, but then they became my parents and we moved here." My internal translator in my PAK explains what that means to me, I think I understand now. "So these two are not your biological parents? I theorized that, because they look nothing like you. What happened to your biological parents?"

"Never knew my dad. My mom died. Now I live with these two so it's fine, I don't care." He speaks fast, as if trying to escape the topic. I'll spare him some mercy and switch the conversation. "So! What happened to your arm, sir? I noticed it's a prosthetic, it's quite impressive." The father looks at his arm and chuckles.

"I used to be in the military before I settled down with my wife and Zim. I lost my arm in the war, but it's alright! I can lift very heavy things with it with ease now!" His wife smiles. "Yes, after he was injured and discharged, he came home and decided to stay with me. Only a few months later, we adopted Zim!"

"You were in the military? That's so cool! My Tallest-" I stop myself. "My er…father was a scientist working with the military before he got his new job. He also has prosthetic arms!" I enthusiastically tell these half-truths, and Zim's parents seem more at ease. "How old are you anyway? You and your family seem to have had quite the lives!"

Shoot, I was afraid of this question. I'm not exactly sure of the average human lifespan, I just know it's far shorter than ours. I just know I'm an adult. "Uh, I'm not comfortable saying my exact age? U-Uh, Gaz and I are teenagers though!" I lie, Zim's father raises an eyebrow. "Wow, you look older. I would've thought you were an adult if it weren't for the fact you go to Zim's school."

The woman in the cap returns, holding our drinks. "Sorry for the wait! Have a good day, folks!" A blue slushie sits in front of me, and I'm not too sure what to do. It could be toxic like the rest of Earth's food is to me. Zim has a pink one, he immediately grabs it and slurps it down quickly. "Not so fast, honey! You'll get brainfreeze!" So humans experience that too, interestingly. I could exploit that.

I hesitantly take a small sip. It's delicious! And it doesn't hurt! "This stuff's good, huh? I like the strawberry flavor, that one's blue raspberry!" Zim exclaims with his tongue a brighter pink than before. Blue raspberry, I'm gonna have to research that. "I'm glad you like it, Dib. Zim tried these when he was little, he's been hooked since." I can see that.

"Oh dear! I forgot something out of the car! Darling, could you come with me and help me find it?" The mother exclaims, getting up. The father nods and gets up too. "Of course, honey. You boys behave now! We'll be back in just a minute!" They're gone, and we're left alone.

"I wonder if your guts are blue too. Probably, since you aliens are weird!" Zim smiles brightly. "Can you stop talking about my guts for one day? You're never seeing them, and that's final. I'd kill you before you even got the chance." I grin challengingly, and he smirks back. "Maybe they're green, like your skin." I scoff. "I am a perfectly normal human boy who isn't green. Unlike someone I know." I glare in his direction.

"Liar. You probably lied about your age too, huh?" I nod. "I'm a grown adult. Several hundred years old. Why? Does your lifespan feel tiny in comparison?" Zim genuinely looks a little surprised. "Ha! You're an old man! So gross, hanging out with a fifteen year old boy and harassing him. You should be ashamed of yourself." He mocks.

"Fifteen!? You're barely even a smeet! You're like, the smeetiest of smeets!" He laughs. "Wow, you've been letting yourself get beat up by a child, that's sad. Pathetic, even." I punch his arm. "I've been purposely going easy on you! I don't wanna kill a child, I'm not evil." Zim rolls his eyes. "Like you aren't evil. You're an alien scum who's empire conquers and enslaves entire planets. You're pretty damn evil."

"It's not like I WANT to enslave the whole universe! I work for them, but I don't agree with them! I just want to study alien lifeforms, learn new things, that's all! You're the evil one trying to constantly rip me apart for your own sick gain! And what do you have to gain!? I didn't do anything to you until you started hunting me! Can't you just leave me alone until I leave this disgusting planet with horrible residents like you!? You're the pathetic one, hurting others just because you probably hate yourself so much, you need to inflict it on others."

I finally stop talking, shutting my throat. I don't know what made me snap at him so hard, he didn't even really say anything that bad. Zim's silent, just blankly staring at me. "I hurt you because I hate you." Before I could ask why he hates my existence so much, he gets up, unfinished slushie on the table. He approaches the car and talks to his parents. "We're going home." His parents are confused, but he gets in the car before they can question him.

"I can get home on my own. No need to drive me." I didn't do anything wrong. Zim's just being sensitive, I only spoke the truth. Besides, someone like him probably can't feel sad for too long anyway before going back to his manic ways. He's such a jerk. My wristband rings, it's a call from Gaz. "Where are you!? You were supposed to be back here hours ago!"

"I got caught up with something, get off my back! I'll be home in a minute." Gaz growls under her breath. "It's that Zim again, isn't it? You need to stop letting him distract you from our mission, he's a nuisance-" Before she continues on a rant, I talk over her. "Yeah yeah, whatever. He's the one who's being an asshole to me and dragging me into his shit!" Gaz blinks. "If you continue, then I'm going to have to make sure you won't be distracted anymore." What? "Gaz, what do you-" She continues, "Get back to the base soon. Don't make me do anything rash."

Chapter Text

LOG #57: Zim wasn't at school again today. I'm not sure where he is, I've gone to his house but he won't answer me. Whenever his parents answered, they always told me that he wanted to be left alone. This is such horkcrap! He's up to something, and I'm gonna get to the bottom of it. I'll check back in with you tomorrow, Log. NOT A DIARY, GAZ.

LOG #63: Today I visited Zim again. Gaz keeps insisting that I stop trying to see him, saying that he's probably just sick of me or something. I doubt it, he wouldn't just up and vanish like this if that were the case. He'd make a dramatic scene about it like he always does. Where is he? Until tomorrow, Log.

LOG #70: He finally showed up today. After the entire school day of interrogations, I got nothing out of him. He just kept looking away from me and telling me to go away. He's definitely up to something now if he doesn't wanna go around boasting about what he's doing. I may be stupid, but I'm not an idiot!

LOG #89: Something's…wrong.

I approach Zim's house, determined to finally see what's up. I pound on his door while his parents aren't home, so he'll have to answer me! "I know you're in there, Zim! Come out and face me!!" I demand, pounding more. After a few minutes of radio silence, I get annoyed and just pick the locks on the front door and break in. Not like anyone is gonna care or notice.

I come in and it's surprisingly dark in the house. Normally it's bustling with life, with him and his parents here being obnoxious. I approach Zim's bedroom and pound on that instead. "Zim! Get out of there and fight me! You've been plotting something and I know it! Some sort of revenge plan? Are you going to release a swarm of bees on me? Hmmm!???"

*THUD!*

Something is thrown against the door, and a scream of frustration is on the other side. "JUST FUCK OFF ALREADY, JESUS CHRIST! GOD, I'VE TOLD YOU OVER AND OVER THAT I WANT. TO BE. LEFT. ALONE!" He shrieks and throws something else at the door, making me step back. What on Irk made him so upset? I'm not THAT annoying!

I open the door anyway, getting frustrated with him. "Zim, why have you-!?" I stop when I see Zim curled head to toe in blankets, a shaking mess. "Zim?" I ask, slowly approaching. "GO AWAY, YOU STUPID UGLY ALIEN! I HATE YOU! I'LL KILL YOU!" I see a glimpse of his face, water is leaking from his reddening eye sockets.

"What on Irk happened?" I reach a hand out and it's slapped away. He's not wearing his gloves, and his hands are injured. "GO BACK TO YOUR OWN DUMB PLANET AND LEAVE ME ALONE! I HOPE YOU DIE IN THE VACUUM OF SPACE!" What's with all the aggression? I mean, normally he's pretty feral but never this angry. He goes to lash out, but I grab his wrists as he fights against me.

"Tell me what happened, Zim! Why have you been missing!? Why are you ignoring me and missing our battles!?" Zim growls. "BECAUSE I HATE YOU! I…I NEVER WANNA SEE YOU AGAIN..!" I'm never going to get through to him. I toggle one of my previous projects, and scan his brain. Certain chemicals are imbalanced, and he seems to be in some sort of manic-depressive state.

"Sit down, let's just talk then, okay? Lash out at me all you want later, but you are in no condition to fight. My mortal enemy is NOT allowed to be in such a state!" I sit him back down on his bed, he's still so tense. "Just leave. Please. I hate you so much. I loathe you." I sigh. "I hate you too. That's why no one is allowed to hurt you but me, not even yourself. Let me heal you."

I grab his hands and administer Irken medicine for him. It's so strange seeing his bare hands, his whole gloves thing is an Irken-like concept so I was used to it. "Why are you helping me? We hate each other." I think for a moment about my reasons, before coming up with the best thing I can think of. "I pity you. You're like a mere smeet. A smeet with similar strength to me, but a smeet nonetheless."

"I'm not weak." He croaks out. "I never said you were, you're actually quite strong. You're small though, and unable to regulate your emotions. Quite young too. If I continue to fight you, you'll get stronger. Maybe even surpass me someday." Zim chuckles. "That's stupid. You're stupid. So what, you're like, beating the shit out of me but think of me as a baby? That's cruel."

"It's not like that. Smeets fight and train to be stronger, sometimes even battle to the death. We live in a cruel world, Zim. On my planet, it's kill, or be killed." I pause, realizing that I'm opening up too much about my true feelings, regarding Zim and Irk. "Ah, sorry. I'm rambling. Your hands should be fine now." I get up and awkwardly stand.

"It's…fine." We both stand in an awkward silence for a moment. "So what's up with the gloves? I've always wondered about that." Zim looks away. As if suddenly aware that his hands are bare, he hides them again under the blankets. "I-It's nothing. Really. It's stupid, actually." I shake my head. "As your enemy, I must know every weakness. Plus, I opened up to you. It's only fair." Zim laughs.

"Okay, fine. When I look at my hands, I get…reminded of things. Colors, smells, things like that. It's all blurry, but I can't handle it. So, I prefer wearing gloves. Also because of germs." I chuckle at the last bit. "I get that. Us Irkens wear gloves because it's a modesty thing. Like uhhh, how some of you humans wear headdresses and other items of clothing to appear modest."

"So it's like, you flashing me if you took them off in front of me?" I nod. "Ew. Noted. I will never ask for you to take them off." I sigh. "Thanks, I'd rather not. Smeets don't need to be exposed to that." We both laugh more, this is…strangely nice. Irkens aren't allowed to have things like friendships, it's defective. But hey…no one's watching. I think it'd be nice just for now. We can go back to hating each other tomorrow.

"Thanks." Zim mumbles. "Woah! The Almighty Zim being HUMBLE? THANKING people??" Zim shoves me off of his bed. "Shut up! Go jump off a cliff!" That's a lot more comfortable now. "Go get hit by a falling meteor!" We both smile. Suddenly, I get a call from Gaz. Awe man, what did I do now?

"Dib, come home NOW. It's the Tallest, he called!" I stand up straight as quickly as possible. "WHAT!? Why didn't you notify me sooner!?" I start to rush out the door, even as Zim is calling after me. "Because you were too busy playing with your friend to answer your shit!" She's been picking up on a lot of human swears. "Okay okay, I'm coming right now! Oh man, the Tallest is gonna kill me!"

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I arrive at the base with fear in my spooch. I walk in, and the Tallest is already waiting for me on the transmitter ahead. "H-Hello, sir! My Tallest!" I take off my disguise and wiggle my antennae in respect. "Dib, Gaz, I'm glad you two could properly come here. How are you feeling?" Gaz shrugged while making an unsatisfied sound. "I have been doing fine, My Tallest. The mission is going well!"

"Good, I'm glad to hear the enthusiasm! Oh, my little invaders in training." I roll my eyes. "My Tallest, with all due respect, I've told you that I want to be a xenobiologist." Now it's his turn to look disappointed. "And I've told you that you are going to be an invader, whether you want to be or not. You don't get to make decisions." Gaz grips my shoulder. "Stop. Just let it go, Dib." She warns me.

I groan. "Fine. Anyway, My Tallest, what did you need from Gaz and I?" I ask more gently, remembering not to make the Tallest mad. "I want you two to come home. The data that Gaz has supplied has been splendid! Your work here is done." What? But I just started to make a breakthrough in humans! "But, My Tallest-" Gaz interrupts me. "Yes, My Tallest. We will be home as soon as possible." Tallest Membrane nods and hangs up.

Shit shit shit, what do I do? I'm not done with my work yet! "C'mon Dib, let's go." Gaz starts to walk to the double voot cruiser, I stop her. "No! I'm not done here yet!" She growls and rips her arm from my grasp. "What the Tallest says is law, now let's go." I shake my head. "Let me at least do something really quick. Please?" She pauses for a moment. "I actually have something to do too. Could I do that first? You set up the voot cruiser." She walks past me without even a glance. "Uh- y-yeah, sure." I stammer out.

Chapter Text

Gaz has been gone for a few hours, I'm starting to get worried. I decided to use a tracker that was put on her in case she got lost, I have one too for the same reason. I follow her signal for a little while, she's actually quite close. What was so important for her to do that she had to be gone this long?

It's dark outside, but that's not much of an issue since Irkens can easily see in the dark. Yet, I see a strange light in the distance, it's warm, and bright. A heavy smell hangs in the air. I run faster, something in my spooch is telling me that I need to hurry, that Gaz might be in danger. Then I recognized the smell. Smoke.

I sprint now, panicking as I recognize the building that's currently set ablaze. "Zim!" I call out, running inside. Irkens are heat resistant, so I don't worry about myself. I search around for any trace of life, I detect two pulses. Both are outside already, which relieves me a little. But where are Zim and his parents? Why do I care anyway? Ugh, it doesn't matter! He's a piece of shit but he doesn't deserve death.

I go back outside and search for the foreign pulse on my monitor, and I see him. "Zim! Are you okay? Where are your human parents?" He's unresponsive, but standing with his eyes open just fine. "Zim-?" I hold out a hand and he slaps it away. "You…" Me? "YOU..!" I don't quite recognize this expression. He's clearly furious, but tears are running down his face, and he's hyperventilating.

Zim jumps me, tackling me to the ground and throwing punches at me. "I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU AND ALL OF YOUR KIND! DIE, DIE, DIE ALREADY!" His hands wrap around my neck, squeezing as tight as his small hands can. I try to scratch at his arms and hands to get him off, but he doesn't budge. That's when a boot kicks him in the face, making him double over in pain.

"Gaz!?" I call out with a raspy voice. "Get up. We're leaving right after I finish the job. Unfortunately, I got to the place while he wasn't home." Her PAK legs shoot out, and fly towards him. He dodges in time. Wait, what am I doing? Get up, Dib! I grab at Gaz's PAK legs and wrestle with them for a while, trying to avoid getting cut or stabbed by them myself.

Zim tackles Gaz now as well, his face swelling from the kick earlier. He wrestles with her PAK legs too, and unfortunately for her, she's overpowered by the two of us. "Stop, Gaz! What the Vort are you doing!?" She growls and bites my arm, getting on top of me. "You stupid idiot! I'm getting rid of your distracting obsession! You'll forgive me once Tallest Membrane promotes us to head scientists! Maybe even invaders!" Suddenly, she falls unconscious and her disguise glitches out.

"Gaz? Gaz, are you okay?" I sit up and inspect her, her PAK is gone! And I see Zim off in the distance as I hear sirens. I get up, hiding Gaz somewhere where the humans will not find her until I get back. "Zim! Get back here! Give that back!" I chase after him, he's clutching the PAK to his chest as he sprints away, stumbling weakly. "GO AWAY!" I growl and sprint faster, I'm so close to him-!

I finally grab his hood, pulling him towards me and attempt to wrestle the PAK out of his arms. "FUCK OFF! IT'S MINE!" He kicks me in the stomach, but I try to keep my hold on him. "She'll die without it! Give it back!" Zim bites me now too, why does everyone bite!? I grab his hair and hit it against the ground, attempting to make him drop it. "DIB, LET GO! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!"

"Zim, calm the fuck down! Give me the PAK!" I wrap my arms and legs around him tightly in an attempt to restrain him. Surprisingly, it kind of works. "I know you're stressed, I know everything is going to shit right now, but you need to calm down and give me her PAK. I'll find some way to get her back later, but just give me her PAK for now. If I return with her dead, I'll be killed too for my failures."

Zim hyperventilates more, but is clearly getting weaker. He's exerting himself. Finally, his arms and legs give out from the stress and he passes out. I slowly remove the PAK which is attempting to connect to him, it's a good thing he finally let go when he did, or it would've taken over his weak and puny human brain. I lift him up and trudge over to my other Irken companion.

I attach Gaz's PAK to her once more, and carry the two back home. Big red vehicles are outside of Zim's house, but I easily sneak past them to get back to our base. Thank Irk we live close together, I can only carry these two for so long. I'm lucky that they're light too. Once home, I throw Gaz on the couch, and sit Zim down by the wall. I sigh, I'm exhausted. That's when I realize I have 5 missed calls from my Tallest. "SHIT!"

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Zim is awake, but Gaz still hasn't gotten up yet. Her software updates are still going and trying to reconnect to her body. Zim's been silent the entire time he's been here, even after he's awoken. It's strange hearing him be so quiet. My Tallest allowed me an extra day to let Gaz recover after I told her that she had "took off" her PAK for a tad too long for "repairs." I hate lying to him, but if he learns about Zim, he'd probably have him killed too.

I don't know why I care so much about his safety. Pity? Most likely. I sit with him on the floor, he's sitting scarily still. "Are you okay?" At first, he's still quiet, but then he starts to chuckle. Then it turns into a full laugh. "Do I look okay, Dib!? My parents are fucking dead, I'm fucking homeless, and I have no fucking clue what to do! The perpetrator is sleeping on your damn couch, and I can't do anything because you'd overpower me again! I'm so fucking weak!"

He pours his heart out, and I'm not sure what to do. I sit for a while, taking in a deep breath. "I have no reason to even be here anymore. I should just leave." I nod. "I agree, this sucks! You should leave already, I don't know why you bother staying here." Zim gives me a weirdly offended look. "Did you just agree with me that I should go kill myself?" Oh. OH! 

"Oh my Tallest, that's not what I meant!! I meant that- you- you uh- I didn't think that's what you meant, I thought you meant literally!! I thought you meant like, hopping in a spaceship and leaving!!" Zim bursts out in laughter. "You're funny. I hate you so much. I wish this planet could just blow up." I have an idea.

"It could. You don't have to stay here, Zim. I'm sure my Tallest would understand if I brought company back home!" He stares at me in confusion. "Why?" Now I'm the one who's confused. "I mean, you hate me. I hate you. Why are you being so nice to me?" I put a hand on his shoulder, he flinched. "Because I don't think you're as bad as you make yourself out to be. It's a defense mechanism, isn't it?"

Zim looks away, flustered. "Shut up! I really am this bad, nothing is going to fix it! I'm broken, I'm barely even human. I don't deserve to even be alive right now. It should've been me, not my parents. They're gone because of me. If I were home, I would've…I could've…" He glares at Gaz's resting body. "I hate her so much. Even more than you."

"I understand. She hurt you, in an irreversible and unforgivable way. Anyone would hate somebody like that. If you were to ever- hm. Well, I don't really have anyone like that, no one I could consider family. So I guess I understand less than I thought. Sorry." I feel like I can't empathize with Zim on this. Irkens have no family, therefore no one really close to them.

"'S fine. I don't care anymore. Maybe I should just kill myself already." His shoulders slump, and his knees reach towards his chest. "No, that's a dumb idea. Hey, I have an idea on how to get your frustration out. There's millions of planets out there, we could go blow them up." Zim startlingly laughs, a little louder than normal. It continues for a long while, can he still breathe? "Hey, hey, calm down. You're getting hysterical." That's when I realize he's crying.

"Woah, are-" I was about to ask, but it's a dumb question. Of course he's not okay, idiot! He continues sobbing his eyes out, disgusting snot running out of his nose, his face red. "I don't have a single fucking thing to live for anymore. My friends never cared about me, my family is dead, my adopted family is dead, and I'm stuck with an ugly, stupid alien…" That was harsh, but I decide not to comment. "I'm barely even human…"

"You know, you're pretty Irken-like. If it weren't for the gross hair and your eyes, you'd make a pretty convinding Irken!" He looks up at me. "Really?" I nod. "You have the green tonted skin, the craving for destruction and control, and the sharp cla- nails! You'd just have to keep your rapid emotions in check, get a PAK, and make yourself look the part, you'd make an amazing Irken. Maybe that's why I don't like you. I don't like Irk very much."

"What's Irk like?" I think for a moment. "Very pink. Well, more magenta-ish? Whatever. It's very cold, we don't orbit a star. By all means, we shouldn't even be able to live on that planet, it's a wasteland without all the buildings. No flora or other fauna." Zim seems interested in the conversation, he's making eye contact. "But with our PAKs, we can live anywhere, no matter how uninhabitable it is."

"That's so cool. Irkens are so much cooler than stinking humans." I shrug. "With the slavery, we're less so. I could do without having to be a slave to the Tallest." He tilts his head. "Who's your Tallest anyway?" I put my guard up. "Oh no, I'm completely prohibited from talking about my Tallest. Not like I know anything anyway, any information on the Tallest or the Control Brains is completely classified." Ugh, stop running your mouth, Dib!

"This Tallest guy sounds like a dick. Hm…" Uh oh, he's thinking about something, it's never good when he's thinking. When he's thinking, he's plotting. "Can I have a PAK!? I could help you rebel!" I'm appalled. "What!? No! That's extremely forbidden!" He slumps towards me. "Ugh, please!? It'd be some good compensation for murdering my parents!" I shove him away. "No! And hey, I didn't murder your parents, Gaz did! And to be fair, she meant to kill you!" He punches my shoulder. "Asshole!" I punch him back. "Bitch!" I hear a growl. "SHUT UP!" Uh oh. Gaz is awake.

"Oh my Tallest, you both are so annoying!" I put on a smile. "Gaaaz! Good morning?" She growls again. "It's sunset." I sigh. I walk over to the couch, Zim glaring daggers into us. "Why did you do that? What you did was completely unnecessary!" She rolls her eyes at me nonchalantly, like she didn't just murder two people. "Murder is part of the job of an Invader, Dib." But we aren't even Invaders yet. "Besides, Zim was a distraction. I was hoping to kill him in that fire, but his parents should've worked too."

"Yet here he is, still being your little puppy and won't get the fuck away from you." I go to speak up, but Zim does it for me. "I'm not some dog." He mumbles before leaving the room. "Look, Gaz, I was thinking. Maybe we don't have to follow the Tallest's orders." Before Gaz could protest, I continue. "I had a spooch-to-spooch conversation with Zim, and think he's right. We could be our own Irkens, we don't have to be slaves to the empire! We could be badass rebels!"

"Dib. You're such an idiot." She punches me in the face. "We are not rebelling against the Tallest! I should kill you for even suggesting that we become traitors! I could be killed for even associating with you while you're thinking about it!" I grab her shoulders. "That's what I'm talking about! Thought crimes are so dumb, even thinking about things can get you MURDERED!" She shoves me away and my ass hits the ground.

"YOU ARE NOT GOING TO RUIN THIS FOR ME, DIB! I JUST WANT TO BE SOMEONE HE CAN BE PROUD OF!" She's shaking. "He's always so focused on you, who's practically defective. He never pays any attention to me, he likes me more het he puts all his time and energy into YOU! And now you're doing it to me with Zim. I hate you. I resent you with every inch of my body." Gaz turns around. "I'm leaving. Stay here if you want, I don't care. I'll say you're dead or something."

…That didn't go as well as I planned. I go to check on Zim, who's in our fake kitchen. He's sitting on a stool with a solemn expression. "Hey. Are you doing okay? I think Gaz is ditching us." Zim nods, still not speaking to me. "Come on, let's go jump in a spaceship or something." His head flies up, a small light returning in his eyes. "Really!? You'll take me with you!?" I nod.

"But why? What about your Tallest? Isn't he gonna be mad?" I shrug. "I don't know. Maybe we could give you a disguise. And NO, I'm not giving you a PAK." He reeks of disappointment. "What's with the 180? You were painfully loyal before." I don't even know either. Something about this rebellious kid makes me wanna rebel too. Breaking the rules sounds really fun, and like something exhilarating.

"I just wanna break some rules. I'm so tired of living this boring life, I wanna go out and do my own thing. I wanna see other worlds, meet aliens, and conquer in the name of myself rather than the empire. Don't you ever feel like that?" He's silent, probably unsure what to say. "I'll pack myself a pair of socks." He laughs and walks past me. "Oh wait, my home's kind of- hm." Right, he lost all his stuff. "Wanna go rob a store?" Zim jumps up. "Fuck YES I wanna rob a store!"