Archive of Our Own ^beta

“Now, let me get this straight Mr Worf...”

Captain Sisko sighed in a manner that said ‘I don't get paid enough for this shit'.

“...You convened this meeting because you believe that Weyoun has developed a chemical mind control agent that he tried using on you when you ran into him in the hallway yesterday morning – in suspicious proximity to Dr Bashir's quarters - AND, if I understand you correctly, you believe that he used it on you to make you think that the way he tips his head to one side like a puppy dog is cute, that he has pretty eyes, and by putting gay thoughts into your head?”

Worf interrupted gruffly.

“I didn’t put it exactly that way, sir...”

“I'm not finished Mr Worf".

Captain Sisko glared at the Klingon, daring him to say anything else.

(Sisko’s glares were famous for their intimidating power. It was one of those special skills the man had. One which he would happily use on any unfortunate who happened to be pissing him off. Which, at this point in time, was Worf).

The Klingon immediately backed down and shut up.

Sisko continued his glare for a few moments before speaking again, just because it was such fun to make Worf squirm in his seat.

“Now, as I was saying...you are accusing Weyoun of putting gay thoughts in your head, and, not only that...you ALSO continue believing – contrary to his claims of having defected – that he's actually a Dominion agent, and not only that. You allege that he's also involved in a conspiracy with Mr Garak to seduce Dr Bashir....and the purpose of all this is...what, exactly? I don't think you've told us THAT yet.”

Worf jiggled in his seat, then looked down at his hands.

“Well sir, I think there are two likely motives. One: as a means of gaining access to secret Starfleet intelligence”.

“Oh, and what intelligence might they think they can get from the good doctor? Starfleet medical secrets? Lessons on how to play darts? Human perspectives on Cardassian literature, perhaps? Or....maybe...it could just be that they want the answer to one of the Federation’s greatest of secrets – why does Dr Bashir, a grown man, and Chief Medical Officer - of what is currently the most important space station in the Federation - still sleep with a Teddy bear?”

“I didn’t say that that was the most LIKELY motive sir. Besides, I remind you that that Vorta attempted to use his mind control methods to implant...thoughts...into MY head...and I AM privy to a great deal of sensitive Starfleet security information, which could prove very dangerous if it came into enemy hands".

Worf folded his arms and sat back, with a most self-satisfied look on his face in line with the incontrovertible nature of his argument.

“Oh. THAT’S right Mr Worf. I almost forgot about your whole reason for calling this meeting...those gay thoughts that Weyoun allegedly implanted into YOUR brain! Although you claim that, in your case – as opposed to what would happen with Dr Bashir – the combination of your superior level of discipline, with your complete and UTTER disinterest in men - except as just friends. Of COURSE. Nothing more. EVER. And, what's more – you say that you've NEVER had ANY gay thoughts prior to this incident. EVER. And that recognising that Dr Bashir is very attractive does NOT count as a gay thought, because it’s obvious to everyone that he's terribly handsome and sexy anyway, so, that means that your beliefs are simply in line with general opinion, reflective of facts, and is therefore in no way reflective of any subconscious gayness on your part). PLUS, because - according to you - all gay males are girlie drag queens in six inch stilettos, which is NOTHING like your own appearance as a manful manly man and Klingon warrior, that it should be blindingly obvious to anyone that you cannot possibly be gay in any way, shape, or form...”

“...By the way, Mr Worf, me thinkest that maybe that though protesteth too much...”

“...Anyway, apparently of this is what allowed you to overcome Weyoun’s attempt at seductive mind control over yourself, before you could be compelled to do anything you would never ever not in a million years do".

Worf was just starting to feel his face heat up when Jadzia chimed in to contribute to his woes. Her eyes were twinkling, and she had that air of mischief about her that said she was about to get up to no good. Sisko raised his eyebrows, and tried to suppress a grin. He recognised that this was going to be good.

“Wooorf...there's still something that you HAVEN’T explained...and I know that I, at least, am very curious to hear about it in detail".

Jadzia paused, in order to give Worf time to start quaking in his boots.

“What I want to know is...what exactly WERE these ‘gay thoughts', that Weyoun allegedly implanted into your brain?”

All faces turned towards Worf, in anticipation of some amusing entertainment.

Worf gave the Trill a death stare, but, sadly, it achieved nothing. Suddenly, he began regretting that he'd ever called this meeting, or that he'd even brought up his theory with anyone. Now he would have given just about anything to be able to sink into the floor and disappear from sight.

“That is not relevant!” the Klingon loudly proclaimed.

Sisko turned a wicked, amused smile in Worf's direction.

It left Worf truly wishing that he could really vanish there and then, and go join Kahless in Sto-vo-kor, before this conversation had a chance to continue.

But instead, Worf found that his worst nightmare was just beginning.

Starting with Captain Sisko's deep scary deep voice.

“ACTUALLY, Mr Worf, I AGREE with Dax. I think that the details of those so-called ‘implanted thoughts’ ARE relevant. Because, if we don't know what the messages Weyoun is sending are, how are we to TRULY understand his intentions?”

Jadzia prodded Worf further, with a grin of pure evil.

“That is, Worf...unless those ‘gay thoughts' you had WEREN’T’ actually ‘implanted' at all...but were instead your OWN thoughts, leaking out of your subconscious mind...because the REAL truth is...that really DO think that Weyoun is cute and...”

Worf exploded, jumping to his feet, sputtering with indignation, and protesting rather loudly.

“That most definitely is NOT the case! My subconscious mind does NOT wish to stare longingly into Weyoun’s eyes, kiss and nibble his ears, then rip off all of his clothes and have carnal relations with him for eight hours!”

Everyone stared in stupefaction. Even Jadzia was silent.

Worf had never in his life felt so envious of Odo, and his ability to morph into a puddle of goo, and slither under the door and out of the room. If Worf’s skin had been coloured pasty white like Chief O'Brien, instead of dark brown, he’d have been bright crimson by now.

To make matters even worse for Worf, shortly thereafter, everyone burst out laughing (except Chief O’Brien. He was too busy trying not to hear any part of the discussion, by focussing his mind on how he should remedy a current problem that the station had with its gravimetric control sensors – Whether, by upgrading the power conduits in lower of the pylon four, or carrying out a simple realignment of the gravitational flow capacitors under Jeffery’s tube number 72).

Unfortunately for the Chief, his attempt to remove himself mentally from the situation didn’t work.

For even Odo was quietly chuckling.

After sitting back and enjoying the show for a bit, Sisko finally took pity on poor Mr Worf, (and less so on Chief O’Brien), by putting one hand up, and reluctantly called a halt to the outburst.

“OK OK, that’s enough people. I think Mr Worf has suffered enough for one day...”

Before Captain Sisko could restart the discussion in a more serious tone, Odo made a coughing sound – his way of saying that he wanted to speak. Sisko looked at him.

“Go ahead Constable”.

After making the sound of clearing the throat that he didn’t actually have, Odo spoke in a very serious tone.

“Thank you, Captain. I would first like to say that I agree with you about Commander Worf having suffered enough teasing for one day...”

Odo looked pointedly at Worf.

“...and...if it is of any comfort to you, Mr Worf, I join you in feeling a...distaste...for talk about mating practices and associated fantasies of solids, and gain no satisfaction from hearing them voiced out loud".

Although Odo's previous surreptitious chuckle conflicted with his claim, Worf still appreciated that at least he was making an effort to save him from further humiliation. They gave each other serious nods of deep understanding before Odo continued.

“...but, regardless of that...I DO actually believe that Mr Worf has a good point. For, it has been my observation over the past few months that Weyoun has definitely been seeking to make contact with Mr Garak".

Both Jadzia and Kira snorted, looked at each other and giggling.

“‘Contact’...” Jadzia put in, her eyebrows arched. “Is THAT what you're calling it now? And I suppose you're going to say that Garak, in turn, has been trying to make ‘contact' with Julian?”

Chief O’Brien finally decided that it was time he participated. His face was already bright pink. If Jadzia was allowed to have full reign, he'd probably end up bursting an artery. The Chief felt like he was already scarred for life. He'd already suffered the misfortune to have been burdened with graphic details of Julian's latest sexual exploits. His ‘contact' with Weyoun. His woeful tale of how his heart yearned for Garak... All that had been bad enough. So he really could do without being subjected to more of the same.
“Could we get on with this, without all the...innuendo...PLEASE?” O'Brien moaned.

Jadzia made a petulant pouty face.

“Sorry, Miles. I didn’t know you were such a prude!”

Sadly for Miles, and Worf as well, there was nothing within the realm of possibilities that was going to stop Jadzia from drawing this out as long as possible, and milking it for all it was worth.

However, Odo made his fake throat clearing noise again, in order to regain people's attention, and this time he did it with a significantly greater amount of cranky emphasis.

“Excuse ME. IF I may be allowed to continue...”

Everyone shut down at the sight of the shape-shifter’s glare. He was almost as good at the scary-arse glare as was Sisko.

“Now. As I was trying to say - before I was so RUDELY interrupted...”

The glare was turned directly on Dax, and this time she was wise enough to keep her giggling under her hat.

“...I have observed many attempts at making contact by Weyoun AND Mr Garak, both with each other, and with Dr Bashir, AND I believe that they may well have been successful...”

Miles felt the irresistible urge to make a correction in favour of his friend.

“Odo, I can vouch for Julian...I tell you now. Garak has definitely NOT been successful in making ‘contact' with Julian. I've spoken to him about it".

By which Miles meant that he'd been forced to listen to hours of Julian’s moaning and pining over the Cardassian, and how he'd left things too late, and had forever lost the opportunity to make him his sweetheart, because Weyoun had got in first, and stolen him out from under his nose, whilst he was still being an oblivious idiot.

Jadzia, though, unlike Miles, had no hesitation in exposing her friend's inner workings.

“I can vouch for that too, Odo. Garak and Julian might be good friends, but there's definitely no INTIMACY involved – not YET anyway. Otherwise Julian wouldn’t be coming to me practically every second day to bemoan his fate, and wallow in self-pity, because he and Garak are ‘just friends', when what Julian wants is for them to become lovers. Which means he'll will be alone and heartbroken for ever. Close, but not close enough to Garak. It's quite entertaining, actually".

Surprisingly, it was Kira who added the next comment.

“In reference to that...My money's on Garak eventually getting so frustrated that he yells at Julian about him needing to read up on Cardassian culture, because Garak's been actively flirting and trying to seduce him for the last seven years, and yet this supposed genetically enhanced man, with superior intelligence, STILL hasn’t cottoned on!”

Jadzia continued the story, somewhat dreamily (she always did love a good romance, after all).

“Ahh...and then Julian will finally wake up to himself, they'll fall into each other's arms, and then live happily ever after".

Odo made a look of distaste, but nevertheless took advantage of Jadzia's conclusion.
“Well, if that is the case, and Dr Bashir IS in love with Mr Garak, then it could mean things are even more serious than I thought – that Garak is already succeeding in his and Weyoun’s plans to manipulate the doctor, and that it's only a matter of time before he's compromised".

Sisko rolled his eyes and sighed.

“Odo...anyone can see that Mr Garak and Dr Bashir are besotted with each other - but just too stupid to see it. Anyone but YOU, it seems...AND, since Mr Garak IS obviously in LOVE with the doctor, I find it highly unlikely that his intentions are in anyway nefarious”.

Unfortunately, Sisko's assertion only served to make Odo more assertive.

“But Captain...that’s where WEYOUN comes in. If he's using covert means – as Commander Worf has suggested – to control people’s thoughts, then the original intentions of those people don't MATTER, because it will ultimately be WEYOUN who's guiding their behaviour.”

“But Odo", Dax injected, with a little frustration. “Weyoun is ALSO head over heals in LOVE! With GARAK. He has been since almost the day you first brought him here! He’s made THAT blindly obvious on more occasions than one. SURELY even you couldn’t have failed to notice how infatuated he is with the man? Anyway...that means that, just as it’s highly unlikely that Garak would ever do anything to harm JULIAN, so too is it hard to believe that Weyoun would ever wish GARAK to come to any harm”.

“Of course, I respect your opinion, Lieutenant...”, Odo replied, in a tone that conveyed his true feelings that she could take her opinion and do something unfortunate with it. “...and, it has indeed been my observation that Weyoun, since he first got here, has been putting quite a deal of effort into the study of mating rituals, and into attempts at initiating them with Mr Garak...HOWEVER...I wouldn’t put it past that Vorta to be FAKING his supposed affections as part of his cover, when what he truly is is a Dominion agent, bent on wooing the Cardassian to his own side, so that he can take advantage of his not inconsiderable skills as an ex Obsidian Order agent – not to mention the fact that Garak has been granted access lately to certain amounts of Starfleet intelligence, due to his cooperation in a number of matters. Which, in and of itself, may have been part of a ploy – I don't trust Garak any more than I trust Weyoun. They're BOTH very adept at lying, as you well know".

“YOU don't trust ANYONE, Odo", Jadzia commented.

Instead of paying her any mind, Odo sat back and crossed his arms, daring anyone to make an argument against his opinion on this matter - because his opinion was obviously incontrovertible.

Odo could be very difficult to deal with if one tried to argue with his incontrovertible opinions - which were pretty much all of his opinions, as far as he himself was concerned. It was just that solids had an annoying habit of disagreeing with them regardless. So he'd taken to hedging his bets when dealing with solids, focussing his battles, and allowing them their little, self-perceived victories from time to time. Not this time though. Because, of all the solids that Odo disliked (which was most of them), Weyoun was at the top of the list, and Garak not far behind. He was therefore most determined this time to cling with his life to the opportunity before him of taking them both down in one hit. In fact, he looked forward to it in anticipation, as a future source of great satisfaction and pleasure.

Then Kira stepped in and supported him.

“Actually, I think Odo's got a good point. How DO we know that Weyoun 6’s defection wasn't simply part of a grand plot to instigate mind control over DS9 officers via a newly developed chemical weapon in order to subversibly gain control over station personnel and residents, and use them to disrupt operations or act as double agents and gain access to crucial secret Starfleet information? I certainly wouldn’t put it past him – or Garak, for that matter. In love or not, Garak's STILL a Cardassian, and don't forget, he WAS an Obsidian Order operative – and we know what THEY'RE capable of...”

Odo leant forward as he continued onto the table, as he continued to make his case, keen to take advantage of the fact that he now seemed to have a supporter (and remembering why it was that he’d always had a great fondness for Nerys – now THERE was the kind of solid a shape-shifter could rely on!)

“...AND...added to what the Major just said...ever since he's been here, Weyoun has been responsible for causing all sorts of havoc. I actually had to lock him up in a holding cell a couple of times, remember? AND...in reference to the thoughts that Commander Worf claims he implanted into his brain...there WAS that particular incident on the Promenade – which was EXTREMELY disruptive, I might add – which may well have been caused by some initial experimentation on Weyoun's part, that he was carrying out with this chemical weapon of his. Which, unfortunately for him, I believe, didn’t go quite as intended. It DID create abnormal behaviour amongst the population that was present at the time. However, I'd say that it worked a little TOO well, because every male within sight began started chasing him – apparently with the intention to commencing mating activities – until he was forced to climb a bulkhead support, and cling to the rafters, lest he be mobbed”.

This made Sisko curious about a particular detail.

“I wonder...why would this so-called chemical weapon only affect males?”

Jadzia, seeing another comedic opportunity, once more jumped in before anyone else could respond.

“Perhaps...Benjamin...it’s because he's a 100 foot, platinum star gay?”

Sisko slapped his hand to his forehead, knowing he really had been asking for that one.

“Dax, do REALLY have to keep this up?”

Jadzia replied with a wide grin and, a wiggle of her eyebrows.

Sisko decided that he'd had enough of this nonsense, and that it was time to put an end to it. However, he also knew that getting Odo to drop what HE considered to be a valid line of inquiry – ESPECIALLY if disruption to his Promenade had been involved – was something that was next to impossible to achieve. Or at least would require a great deal of effort on his part, and really, he had enough shit to deal with at the moment, without the addition of an extended argument about conspiracy theories, mind control and mating practices. So, with a frustrated sigh, he put forth a compromise.

“Alright Constable, have it your way. You, Major Kira and Commander Worf...”

The Captain eyed each person in turn as he named them. He had to peer under the table in order to do so to Worf, though. For, as the discussion had been progressing, and in an effort to disappear from sight, Commander Worf had been slowly slithering downwards in his chair, and, by this point, he was already halfway under the table, having contorted himself into an S shape as he hugged its contours.

Captain Sisko marvelled at the accomplishment. Never would he have guessed how flexible a Klingon could be. He supposed that, given the right circumstances, anything was possible.

Poor Worf, when he found himself to be discovered, abruptly tried to get up, but hit his head so hard on the table as he did so that the force sent everyone’s coffee cups tumbling over.

Luckily for Worf it was late afternoon, so the impacts of caffeine addiction on his fellow Starfleet officers didn’t cause the same sort of outrage over the loss as it would have, had it been morning. Besides, Sisko was wearied enough by this time that he no longer desired to torture the Klingon. Instead, Sisko simply waited, hands folded neatly in front of him on the table, until Worf was once more sitting straight as a ruler in his chair, whilst staring intently at something on the opposite wall that, apparently, had suddenly become of great interest.

Sisko cleared his throat, then started again.

“As I was saying...I am willing to give the three of you – Constable Odo, Major Kira, and Commander Worf – permission to carry out some DISCREET inquiries...and may I re-emphasise DISCREET. I do NOT want anyone getting offended over this as a result of awkward or embarrassing questions, or what might well be unfounded accusations – not Dr Bashir, not Garak, and not Weyoun. Nor anybody else. Do I make myself clear?”

“But if I may say, Captain?”

It was Odo again. Sisko sighed again, and ran his hand over his head.

What choice do I have - not even a Dominion Destroyer could make you not have your say, Constable...

“Very well".

“I find it very unlikely that Weyoun would become offended by any sort of question that I might like to ask. In fact, I seriously doubt that he's even got the capacity to take genuine offence at anything”.

“You're probably right, Constable – although he's certainly very good at ACTING offended, and that’s irritating enough on its own. Regardless, the order still stands. I want ALL of you to be DISCREET. I do NOT, for example, want my Chief Medical Officer coming to me, and complaining about being asked intrusive or offensive questions about his love life, you hear me?! Nor do I want to hear similar complaints from Mr Garak – and most DEFINITELY not from Weyoun!”

There are times when I’d swear that that Vorta came to this station solely with the intention to plague me...

“NOR do I want gossip spreading across the station about mind control conspiracies, sexual exploits, gay fantasies...”

Actually...I wouldn’t mind hearing some gay fantasies..I've noticed that .there's a serious lack of them amongst Quark’s collection of steamy holosuite programmes – perhaps I should have a talk with him about comp-het and equal representation?

“...and I most DEFINITELY don't want to hear anything about the mating habits of Vorta, Cardassians or anyone else! Is that clear everyone!”

Everyone – even Dax – looked serious and simply nodded like chastened children. It made Sisko smile with wicked delight.

“Good. Now, if there's nothing else?”

Sisko's tone held a threat that implied that anyone who dared answer would seriously regret it.

“Right then. DISMISSED".

Everyone marched out in silence, with Worf dawdling, so as not to give the others – ESPECIALLY Jadzia – the chance to talk to him.

As Worf wandered down the carried, he wondered how resistant Captain Sisko might be to him offering his resignation and heading off to hide on Cronos, never to be seen anywhere in the Federation ever again