Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Baby, You Can’t Get Rid of Me (no matter how hard you try)

Adrenaline floods his veins as fresh, crimson blood splatters across Sasuke’s ivory cheek and the shimmering light of human life, the last vestige of the soul, slowly dims in his victim’s eyes. It’s what he lives for. Nothing in the world can compare to this feeling.

For now, he is riding the high of ending another person’s life, at the peak of the rush. Sadly, he knows it won’t last for long and he will be plummeting back to earth soon enough. Back to the mundane. The day-to-day. Things like dealing with people he doesn’t plan on murdering, sharpening kitchen knives (for actual food, he’s not that kind of serial killer), and cleaning his home to keep it tidy and dust-free, not to make it look less like a crime scene. It’s doing this—killing people—that keeps Sasuke from completely losing it. The thrill of being in so much control. This is Sasuke’s version of a high, and it feels incredible. In this fleeting moment, Sasuke is overcome with nothing but unadulterated joy. 

He closes his eyes, taking in a deep breath to really savor the moment, reflect on the whole experience… only for his annoying next door neighbor to start yelling and their loud, annoying rat dog to yip incessantly, pulling him out of the post-murder bliss he had going. This seems to happen more often lately, leaving Sasuke increasingly inclined to pull a serial killer trope and move to some farm in the middle of nowhere (but then who will he kill?). At least he’ll have some peace and fucking quiet for once. Maybe he should just murder his neighbor…

The moment’s gone, and now he has to clean up, which really isn’t too bad, just the usual dismembering, nothing Bounty, bleach, and bin bags can’t handle! Still, he can’t help but feel a little… dissatisfied… with how this particular kill ended (stupid neighbors and their stupid little dog). Maybe once he gets things a little more sorted he can go out and find a new culprit to kill. Until then, he has a body to prepare for disposal. 

The local brewery is a decent enough place to find an unsuspecting victim or two. Going to a club is too cliche for Sasuke, but going to a place where alcohol flows is helpful. People seem less likely to be suspicious and more likely to go home with a serial killer after a few drinks. Not that anyone knows he’s a serial killer, Sasuke is a professional after all (no one has made a documentary about him yet, and they never will).  

This particular venue is new and swimming with so many people that even Sasuke, who is realistically stunning in his features, generally blends in. And has his pick of the litter. While everyone else is enjoying themselves, catching an after-work drink or meeting up with friends, Sasuke’s mind is working hard to read every person who catches his eye. When selecting a victim—much like when selecting a potential partner—there’s a lot to consider!

Is this person here with someone?
Are they waiting for someone?
How lonely do they look?

How desperate do they look?

Does Sasuke like how they look? (He’s picky.) 

Can Sasuke catch their eye? (The answer is usually yes, he is crazy attractive, after all).

There’s a lot of body-language reading that has to be done with utmost subtlety, which Sasuke has all but perfected. Nothing can take him off-guard. 

“Woah, sorry! I didn’t mean to—” a panicked voice exclaims from behind him, suddenly he feels something cold trickle down his back. Turning in his barstool to see the idiot who spilt sticky beer down his back, Sasuke is met with the biggest, bluest puppy dog eyes he’s ever seen. They are so deep and pretty, he’s actually taken aback for a moment. For the first time in a long time, Sasuke is frozen in place. 

“Here! Let me wipe you off,” the idiot rushes out, moving to take off his t-shirt which snaps Sasuke out of whatever trance those puppy eyes unintentionally put him under.

“No—no, don’t do that. Napkins will be fine. Bartender!” Sasuke calls, not taking his eyes off the man in front of him. He’s really, really cute. Messy blonde hair, youthful face, bright blue eyes, and just a touch shorter than Sasuke. Yes, he’s perfect . 

“I—I’m so sorry,” he continues to ramble, reaching for the napkins plopped on the bar in front of Sasuke and moving to dab at the beer down his back. 

Instead of showing any signs of annoyance, Sasuke forces an easy smile onto his face. “It’s fine, accidents happen. It’s busy here tonight anyway.” He can hear the cute blonde sigh in relief. “You don’t have to clean me off too much, don’t want to keep your friends waiting.”

“Oh, I’m not actually,” the stranger laughs nervously behind him. “I’m just kind of here, I guess.”

Sasuke lifts an eyebrow. “You’re just kind of here…?” 

“Yeah… like… by myself. Sad, I know. All of my friends were busy, at least that’s what they told me. I think I annoy them sometimes… but I wanted a beer… Oh, sorry! You don’t care. I’ll just leave you—”

“How about I buy you another beer? To replace the one you spilled?” Oh, this night keeps getting better and better. Twisting to give the blonde a friendly smile, he meets those expressive eyes, finding them welling with… tears? Oh god…

“Are you sure? I don’t want to bother you, or anything…” Shoulders deflate, making him really look like a golden retriever who just got kicked. It’s terribly sad and pathetic and Sasuke finds himself gesturing to the barstool next to him again. 

“Of course it’s fine. It’s bad luck to drink alone,” Sasuke reiterates. The deep blue eyes that were brimming with tears just a moment ago widen in surprise.

“Is it?”

“Is it what?”

“Bad luck to drink alone?” Sasuke’s eyes narrow ever so slightly in confusion at how someone can be so stupid, but quickly adjusts back to ‘nice, charming stranger.’ 

“Uh, yeah, sure…” He doesn’t care to clarify that he was just being friendly (even if it is disingenuous). This idiot will be dead before daybreak, so it doesn’t really matter. Sasuke’s eyes trail over the dumb blonde’s (nice) body settling in the seat next to him. He’ll be able to really admire it when he cuts it up into tiny little pieces. He’ll be sure to savor it. 

“So…” Sasuke starts after his future victim has ordered a new beer, “I should probably find out the name of the man I just bought a beer for.”

The airhead lights up, clearly turning all of his (seemingly limited) focus onto Sasuke. “I’m Naruto! Nice to meetcha! And thanks for the new beer…”

“Sasuke,” Sasuke fills in, smirking at Naruto’s oversized graphic tee. “Are you a fan of Spinal Tap?” He jokes, gesturing to the shirt. Confusion plays at Naruto’s features for a moment before he looks down at the shirt he’s wearing, realization seemingly hitting him like a truck. 

“Oh, yeah! I really like their song, oh what is it called… Stairway to Heaven?” Naruto responds with a big smile and equally big sip of his new beer. Sasuke doesn’t let his stunned silence linger for long, quickly moving on to another topic of conversation. 

“You seem to know a lot about music, is it a hobby? Or a job…?” Sasuke leads, trying to get Naruto’s guard down. Although the airhead sitting next to him is so open, he maybe needs to try and get his guard up a little more. 

Naruto smiles bashfully, a finger tracing the rim of the pint glass. “I like music, just like anyone, but I don’t have any talent for it. I actually work at a dog daycare.” 

“A dog… daycare?” Sasuke asks. Naruto completely lights up at the question.

“Yeah! A dog daycare. It’s like a daycare for kids, but it’s all cute little doggies. I love them so much, I wish I could have a dog. I guess this is the next best thing. The dogs love me so much! Especially Callie, Rufus, Peanut—even though I’m allergic, Honey, and Miles! They are so cute, and I get paid to play with them and squish their little doggy faces all day!” 

Sasuke just blinks. He’s never, never , encountered someone like this. Every dumb word that comes out the (dumb) blonde’s mouth only confirms further that Sasuke will be doing the world a favor having one less ditz bumbling around. He already inferred earlier that his friends aren’t crazy about him, so the only ones that are going to miss him are a bunch of mangy mutts. And here Sasuke thought the day was ruined, only for the perfect candidate to land perfectly in his lap—well, spill beer on his back. Technicalities.

Conversation flows easily enough between them, if conversation can be defined as Naruto talking Sasuke’s ear off about dogs and incorrect music facts (Stevie Nicks is a woman, but Sasuke’s not going to correct a soon-to-be dead man). They’re several beers in, and Naruto is such a sloppy drunk Sasuke doesn’t even bother drugging him, it will only make it harder to get him back to his place. Which is something Sasuke has been carefully implying the entire night.

Subtle touches, sly smiles, sultry eyes when appropriate (which Sasuke employs perfectly, he’s a very good serial killer, after all). The effects on Naruto are stupidly obvious, he goes from being a regular idiot to a blushing, bumbling idiot who completely stumbles over his words and forms sentences with even less grace than before (somehow). It’s oddly cute? Then again, everything about Naruto is oddly cute. Sasuke finds that he isn’t totally bothered listening to him ramble on. Such a shame, really.

Oh well, it must be done, for Sasuke’s sanity. And he’s starting to feel a little antsy. 

In a bold move, Sasuke’s hand goes to Naruto’s thigh, making him pause his slightly slurred speech on some old MTV dating show Sasuke really couldn’t care less about. 

“Hey, Naruto?” Sasuke lowers his voice, moving in a little closer. Naruto shivers. “Would you like to go back to my place?” 

Those deep blue eyes gleam in drunken excitement. “I—” Naruto rasps, leaning in close enough that Sasuke can feel his warm breath across his cheeks. God, he is cute… “I really want to, but…”

Sasuke tilts his head slightly, trying to come across as understanding and safe. “But…?” 

Naruto gives him the most sincere look Sasuke has ever witnessed. “I don’t know where you live.” 

Sasuke can feel his soul die at that moment. Yep, for once he might be doing the world a favor. 

Naruto is way too comfortable with Sasuke despite only knowing him for a couple of hours. How he can already be so impossibly clingy is a mystery to Sasuke, but it’s fine, it at least makes it easier to shepherd him into Sasuke’s home. Well, ‘easy’ is a relative term. It’s decidedly not easy to maneuver approximately 150 pounds of drunken Naruto into his house where he dumps the drunken mess on the couch. 

Within two minutes he’s snoring loudly. Jesus Christ . If this was an actual hookup, Naruto would be the absolute worst. Luckily, this isn’t a regular hookup, this is something much, much better (in Sasuke’s opinion). Having Naruto pass out only assists Sasuke in restraining him for later, and it provides plenty of time to decide how he wants the poor idiot to go. 

Silly, dumb, oblivious Naruto doesn’t even rouse a little bit as Sasuke begins to tie him up. Using the hemp rope he casually has stashed under the kitchen sink, Sasuke begins to bound him with complex and pretty knots. Sure, he’s a killer, but Sasuke appreciates the aesthetic of the kill just as much as the action itself. And Naruto, despite being utterly annoying when awake, is actually very pretty when asleep. Sasuke licks his lips. Naruto will be even prettier dead, so there’s that to look forward to. 

Sasuke finds himself pausing to lightly caress Naruto’s cheek, flawless except for three whisker scars on each cheek that make him look like a mischievous little fox. “What a pretty kill you are going to be…” Sasuke mutters, smiling sadistically. 

With a sigh, he steps away to evaluate his work and determine how he wants to go about killing Naruto. He’ll have to haul Naruto’s wasted ass into the spare bedroom, but that will probably be easier now that he’s asleep  compared to when he was awake and sloppily licking at Sasuke’s neck. As for the method…

Moving to his hall closet, where he keeps some of his most treasured edged weapons for easy access (you never know!), Sasuke's eyes immediately fall to a dark red and black tantō. It’s an Uchiha family relic and will look so pretty protruding fromNaruto’s…

“Hey! Watcha lookin’ at?” Arms suddenly wrap around Sasuke’s shoulders, completely taking him by surprise, and Sasuke’s rarely taken by surprise. 

“How… where… wha—” he stutters uncharacteristically, brain rapidly trying to wrap around how Naruto managed to get untied. 

“Tying me up is really kinky, Sasuke,” Naruto nuzzles into Sasuke’s neck, leaving a few small kisses. “You used some pretty tricky knots, I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone use constrictor knots like that! You have to be careful, I don’t think that’s bondage best practices, ya know.” 

Frozen in stunned silence, Sasuke’s mind can’t seem to comprehend how Naruto has ended up wrapped around him again, like a hungry python. How in the fuck did he manage to work his way out of Sasuke’s bindings so quickly? Despite their best efforts, no one has ever been able to do that. 

“How… how did you get out, Naruto?” Sasuke quickly closes the closet, thankful that Naruto is too distracted by attacking his neck to see the contents. 

Pulling back, Naruto spins Sasuke to face him more directly, blue eyes sparkling in utter excitement. “I just untied them! I’m actually really good with this kind of thing. Did I mention that I was an Eagle Scout? Actually, one of my main project areas was innovative knot tying. In fact, I won an opportunity to live and work on a sailboat in the Mediterranean for a summer thanks to my knot tying abilities.” Naruto engulfs him in an overbearing hug, which Sasuke doesn’t fight—too stunned to speak. His mind can hardly comprehend what Naruto just told him. It’s way too outlandish, and yet, here stands Naruto, completely rope-free. Looks like tying him up is off the table. Time for Plan B. 

“That’s very impressive, Naruto. And, honestly?” Sasuke makes sure to give Naruto his most endearing expression, which totally works as he can basically see hearts form in Naruto’s big eyes. “It’s pretty hot.”

Naruto perks up at the compliment, “You… you think so?” 

“I do.” Sasuke moves in to capture Naruto’s lips in a deep kiss. 

“Most people think it’s pretty lame—” Naruto’s self-reflection is cut off by more of Sasuke’s kisses. It’s partially to distract him, to get him where Sasuke wants him, and partially to just shut him up . 

“Hey, let’s move somewhere a little more comfortable,” Sasuke whispers against Naruto’s surprisingly soft lips. Like the lost puppy he is, Naruto follows Sasuke back into the living room, allowing Sasuke to throw him onto the couch and crawl on top of him. Time and time again, Sasuke is shocked by how easily Naruto goes along with his whims. This man has no healthy sense of safety or boundaries. Convenient, really.

“You’re so pretty, Sasuke,” Naruto gives Sasuke the biggest, sunshiniest smile he’s ever witnessed. For a moment he almost wants to lecture the blonde for not being aware of the increasing danger. But he’s a serial killer, and Naruto’s poor soul will be out of his misery soon enough. 

“Hn,” is all Sasuke says before grabbing the throw pillow behind Naruto’s head and smothering him with it. 

At first, Naruto thrashes underneath him, fighting back. There’s some unintelligible, muffled yelling from under the pillow. Sasuke holds strong, hoping to at least get Naruto to pass out. After a few long minutes, Naruto’s body stops thrashing, going limp. 

Fucking finally . 

Sasuke waits just a little longer, mentally counting about five more minutes before removing the pillow from Naruto’s face. Naruto’s face looks relaxed, eyes closed and mouth resting in a small… smile? 

Suddenly, those blue eyes (that Sasuke is pretty sure are going to haunt him forever at this point) shoot open, Naruto’s smile growing in the process. 

“You are kinky,” Naruto sings, a finger lifting to playfully poke Sasuke’s cheek. Sasuke feels his soul leave his body—again. “Next time you want to do something as intense as breath play, can we talk about it first?” 

Sasuke finds himself, yet again, engulfed in a massive back-breaking hug. He’s had more hugs in one night than he’s had in his entire life up to this point… which might explain why he gets joy out of killing people… That’s something to avoid unpacking later. 

“How… how did you manage… that? This time?” Sasuke is almost too stunned to speak, again, and he is never too stunned to speak. Well, until tonight, that is. 

“Impressive, right? So that summer I spent on the sailboat, I took up freediving! I can hold my breath for, like, twenty minutes on a good day.” Naruto looks so fucking proud of himself. Sasuke can’t help but be equal parts annoyed and impressed. 

“That’s just…” Sasuke sighs, “...great. Any other hobbies you’ve been involved in that I might want to know about?”

Naruto’s cheeks puff and his face goes serious in concentration. “Umm, let’s see… I’ve done rock climbing, sushi making, still life drawing, artistic dog grooming, jujitsu, archery—”

“Ah, okay, that’s good,” Sasuke cuts him off, realizing he somehow chose the most interesting man in the world as a victim. “I’ll just hold back on the kinky stuff. Would you like something to drink? Maybe a water?” Sasuke asks, forcing a sickly-sweet smile on his face. Naruto doesn’t detect the strain in Sasuke’s voice or expression, nodding enthusiastically at the offer. 

“That sounds amazing. Beer always dries me out. You’re so good at taking care of me, Sasuke,” Naruto leans up to give Sasuke an Eskimo Kiss (much to Sasuke’s displeasure and disgust). 

“You have no idea…” Moving off of Naruto and into the kitchen, Sasuke makes sure to keep one eye on the unpredictable blonde at all times. He’s oddly easy to lose track of. Finally away from the clingy mess he brought home, Sasuke takes a moment to breathe deeply and come up with a new strategy. Usually he doesn’t have this much trouble forcing cooperation and getting to the good part of the night (the killing part). But Naruto… he’s something else entirely. Something Sasuke is clearly not prepared for. 

It’s okay. Just makes it interesting, which is good. There’s really no excitement to killing easy targets, utilizing the same methods with little to no resistance. This is… a fun experience. He’ll come out of this a better serial killer with a funny story. At least that’s what Sasuke tells himself as he reaches for the most powerful sleeping tablets in his medicine cabinet to dissolve into Naruto’s water. 

His mind is racing through all of the different ways he can go about killing Naruto. It’s no fun if it’s not a little creative, and Naruto is turning out to be a special case in every way. While stirring up the tablets into Naruto’s water, Sasuke’s eyes scan his home… There's still plenty of things he can do, but he needs to contain Naruto until he can figure something out. His eyes fall to the garage. Perfect. He can lock Naruto up there until he figures out where to go from here. Sasuke is especially smart, so he’ll figure out how to handle his ‘special case’ before Naruto has a chance to wake up. All he needs is a few moments of clarity without Naruto sneaking up on him (again). Sasuke is a successful serial killer with a perfect record. He can totally turn this around. 

Picking up the glass, Sasuke moves back to where Naruto is sprawled on his couch. With another (probably unconvincing) smile, Sasuke holds it out to him. “Drink up.” 

When the drugs finally hit Naruto, he stops mid-sentence (thank god) and falls to the floor in a dramatic crumble. They had moved to the kitchen where Sasuke fiddled with random tasks to pass the time while waiting for the pills to kick in and Naruto continued to talk his ear off. Sasuke was beginning to worry that Naruto was immune to the sleeping tablets too. Which, given the way this evening had gone, really wouldn’t shock him. 

Thankfully the sleeping pills have finally kicked in, so Sasuke hauls Naruto’s limp body into the garage (how can he be so clingy even when he’s unconscious?) and subsequently dumps him onto the concrete floor. With a huff, Sasuke leaves the sleeping body there, making sure to lock the door behind him. Finally some quiet so he can think . It’s hard to hear his own thoughts with Naruto’s incessant rambling about anything and everything. 

Standing in the middle of his kitchen, Sasuke realizes just how quiet his house really is. Has it always been like this? Or is he just adjusting from having constant noise for the past few hours?

Usually calm and collected, Sasuke’s mind is now chaos—running through all of the different ways he can go about killing Naruto. Maybe he could just push him off the roof? No, that means getting Naruto’s limp, clingy body up there. Plus, he lives in a one-story house, the roof isn’t even that high… So he should find a taller building! No, this is getting ridiculous—back to basics. What about just snapping his neck? Ew, no, that’s so ‘first kill’ of him. No joy to be found in that. 

It’s jumbled and confusing and Naruto has completely thrown him off his game. Sasuke needs to calm his mind. And nothing calms his mind like sharpening knives—which he realizes is so stereotypical. Maybe he needs to pick up some other hobbies… like Naruto. 

 Self-reflection aside, he goes about collecting some of his favorite edged weapons—including his family’s heirloom tantō—and begins sharpening them at the kitchen island. It’s methodical, which makes it oddly therapeutic. Just a nice, mindless task that is still productive and allows Sasuke to reflect on what a wild night it has been thus far. Despite what a little voice keeps saying in the back of his mind, he knows he can kill Naruto. Whatever his next attempt is, it will be successful.

Rope is out of the question, but zip ties… Naruto can’t untie zip ties, and they are significantly sturdier. Usually Sasuke tries to avoid using them as they aren’t very visually appealing (and again, Sasuke cares about the aesthetics of what he’s doing), but Naruto continues to prove to be a special case. 

Sasuke is unable to fully ruminate on this because a loud banging pulls him from his thoughts. 

Bang!

Bang!

Crunch!

He isn’t even surprised when Naruto walks into his living room, rambling on, “If you want alone time, all you have to do is tell me! Also, you need a new door.”

Sasuke’s shoulders slump. He’s almost  his wit’s end. Naruto is going to die. Soon. For the sake of his sanity, which is hanging on by an ever-fraying thread. “How—How did you?”

Naruto’s stance softens, big, dopey eyes looking over with so much love and understanding (understanding of what, Sasuke’s not entirely sure). “Did I forget to mention that I was a volunteer firefighter for, like, five years? I am really good at crashing through doors!” 

Every muscle and fiber of Sasuke’s being starts to shake. “Is there anything you haven’t done?” His voice comes out tight, eyes looking down to the array of edged weapons scattered on his kitchen island, not caring if Naruto sees. He could probably claim to be a weapons restorer and the dumbass would actually believe him. No, he’s too busy trying to decide which one he is going to plunge into Naruto’s neck in what is basically just frustration at this point. 

“Well, I’ve never been to most continents, which is something I would really like to do! And I’ve always wanted to try empanadas in Argentina, I feel like it will be more authentic. Oh, and maybe go to one of those cafes in Japan where they write your name on the omelets? I don’t actually like ketchup, but I really want the experience, so I can choke down some sugary tomato paste for it…”

As if he wasn’t already enough of an idiot, Sasuke now knows that he doesn’t like ketchup, which is adjacent to tomatoes, which is Sasuke’s favorite food, so yeah Naruto’s definitely going to die tonight. 

“...I’ve always wanted to try pottery. But like the pottery where you use the wheel and make the stuff yourself, not just painting at the mall…” Naruto chatters on with seemingly no end in sight. 

Sasuke’s hand wraps around the handle of his family’s tantō. Yes, Naruto has been his most challenging kill yet, and his most beautiful. He truly is worthy of dying by this gorgeous blade. 

Sharp eyes focus on his prey. Naruto is distracted by his own voice, making this the perfect time to lunge. For Sasuke to make his move. So he does. In a flurry, Sasuke moves to close the distance between them, to stab Naruto in the chest. It’s a clear target, Naruto is so oddly relaxed and open around Sasuke, and there’s nothing standing in his way. Usually Sasuke prefers to do the ‘fun stuff’ in his spare bedroom, but he’s willing to compromise to just get rid of the blonde that won’t fucking die .

But Naruto—who must have been a professional tennis player at some point with his lighting-fast reflexes—manages to grab one of the knives Sasuke left on the countertop and actually block Sasuke’s advance with perfect form. Of course! Of course he does this. Because he’s fucking unkillable.

Sasuke should’ve left him at the bar. His life is ruined, reputation that he has so perfectly maintained in tatters. What will the conspiracy forums say about him now? 

In a moment of blind rage, Sasuke continues to lunge at Naruto, desperate to leave even the tiniest knick on the flawless tanned skin. Scratch tennis player, Naruto must have been a professional knife fighter or ninja or something with how effortlessly he blocks Sasuke’s continued advances. 

He can feel it—what’s left of his composure, his sanity, is slipping through his fingers. Naruto is pushing him not just to the edge, but well over it into an endless spiral of chaos and desperation Sasuke does not enjoy falling into. It’s a whirlpool of unshed tears and broken dreams. He feels like he’s the one dying here. 

“Ya know, I haven’t had this much fun since kendo club in high school!” Naruto says, only sounding a little breathless as he dodges and blocks, never once moving to attack Sasuke himself. “We aren’t supposed to use real blades though, ya know that, right?” Sasuke backs Naruto into the cabinets, finally cornering him. He goes to wildly stab him in the face (an amateur choice of target and his technique is terrible but fuck it!). Everything goes in slow motion. Innocent blue eyes grow impossibly wide and the blonde lets out a small yelp. Sasuke can feel his heart beat in his hand where it grips the tantō, adrenaline coursing through his veins… This is it. He is going to kill this menace once and for all! 

…That is, if Naruto didn’t manage to duck his head into Sasuke’s chest at the last moment causing the tantō to be driven deeply in one of Sasuke’s upper kitchen cabinets. Naruto’s arms wrap around Sasuke’s middle, but Sasuke only feels the world collapsing around him. He… is a really bad serial killer. And that realization truly makes him crack. 

“Get off me!” Sasuke shoves Naruto away, sending the smaller man stumbling back into the adjacent wall. “Just—” His head snaps over to where Naruto looks like a sad, kicked puppy, “Just die !” 

Naruto straightens up a little. “Gotta try harder than that, asshole!” Realization begins to flood the blonde’s features. “Also, uh, love the roleplay, although this last bit was a little intense ! But, what’s our safeword? And—uh, what is the scene? I feel like we should have discussed this beforehand…” 

Sasuke crumples to the floor in utter defeat. “Please… please just leave.” At this point, Sasuke doesn’t even want to kill this unkillable idiot anymore, he just wants him gone so that he can tend to his bruised, serial killer ego. His perfect kill record means nothing to him at this point. All of his flawlessly executed kills and subsequent clean-ups don’t mean anything at the moment, because this is the first time in Sasuke’s life he has truly felt… defeated. Who would have thought genius, cunning, strategic Sasuke Uchiha was going to meet his match in an air headed blonde with too much life experience? It’s ridiculous, it’s unfair . This isn’t how the night was supposed to go. Sasuke is ruined . Everything he has built up to this point is in shambles, and now, he just wants to be left alone. 

He’s suddenly enveloped in warmth and the familiar scent of too much beer and bright citrus. 

“I can’t do that, Sasuke…” Naruto’s voice is soft as he engulfs Sasuke in a massive hug.

“Why not?” Sasuke snaps, trying to push Naruto and his overwhelming clinginess away.

“Because…” A bashful smile grows on Naruto’s dumb face. Blue eyes meet Sasuke’s, brimming with overwhelming emotion. “Because, even though you are kind of silly, I already love you.” 

Ah. So this is how karma has chosen to smite him. Fuck.

Chapter Text

I’m Not Going to be an Accomplice to Litter (Murder)

Despite Sasuke’s desperate pleading, Naruto does not go home. No, he has decided to stay. Which is why Sasuke finds himself sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the TV where a few girls are gossiping about some goof ziplining into the pool for the fifth time in a row (and they want to date him? ) while Naruto cuddles up into his side like a needy puppy. It’s all the more unnerving as Naruto hardly even watches the show. Instead he keeps looking back to Sasuke to discuss and gauge his reaction (of which he has none). 

Sasuke is too lost in the never-before-seen depths of wallowing and self-pity, because he has finally met his match—an utterly unkillable person. He keeps reviewing the events of the night, trying to analyze every interaction and figure out where things went horribly wrong. Unfortunately, it seems just the simple act of them meeting at all—Naruto being so clumsy and cute and innocent, completely fooling Sasuke—was the tipping point for Sasuke’s dramatic fall from grace this evening. 

Looking at the bubbly blonde who keeps inching closer and closer, basically crawling into Sasuke’s lap at this point, it’s hard to believe he has so much skill. A truly terrifying opponent. It’s insane that Naruto just happens to have the perfect kind of life experience to counter every one of Sasuke’s usually successful murder attempts. Has his luck finally run out? Sasuke has never believed in luck—he believed in skill—but that line of thinking only bruises his ego more.

Now that he really thinks about it, maybe it’s a good thing this multi-talented airhead is so infatuated with him already. It’s like they always say: keep your victims close and your enemies closer. And if Naruto gets any closer, he’ll be inside of Sasuke, and he is not that kind of serial killer. 

Despite Naruto’s admission of love (and Sasuke’s subsequent panic attack), it won’t last. Naruto is probably feeling a little lonely and drunk and in the morning he will leave and never enter Sasuke’s life again. In the morning, Sasuke can regroup, refresh, and start anew. Despite his dramatic display last night, one failed kill doesn’t make him a failure .

With that refreshed mindset, Sasuke calmly watches “Bachelor in Paradise,” and half-listens to Naruto’s running commentary, hopeful for the start of a new day. 

On the night of the failed kill, Sasuke had resolved to never see Naruto again and move on with his life. However, this choice, which Sasuke thought he was in control of, has now dissolved into nothing but a pipe-dream. Because when Naruto said he loved Sasuke, he wasn’t kidding. Naruto is suddenly everywhere all at once. 

At the supermarket? Naruto. 

The park? Naruto. (Sasuke doesn’t even go to the park usually)

His own damn house? Naruto… somehow. 

When they aren’t at work, Naruto is just always around. On his couch, in his kitchen, on his lap, in his bed (he takes so many naps). Sasuke can feel Naruto’s overwhelming presence everywhere in his once-peaceful life. Because Naruto hasn’t infiltrated quietly, not even a little bit. He’s always talking, playing music, offering up wildly incorrect fun facts, and snoring so damn loudly all. Night. Long. Sasuke never even gave Naruto permission to basically move in, it just kind of happened, and now it’s been almost three weeks. 

While he’ll never admit to it, Sasuke doesn’t totally mind having Naruto around. The biggest roadblock though is he hasn’t been able to kill someone in, well, about three weeks. And he is starting to feel antsy. Which is why he has decided, taking the risk of potentially offending Naruto, to ask for a little bit of space. 

“Naruto…” Sasuke starts while cutting up some green onion to add to the ramen Naruto has painstakingly made from scratch, “I really enjoy having you around,” he says, trying not to cringe—because realistically he’s not too sure how he feels about having Naruto around. “But, I think I would like to have a few days of space, if that’s alright.” Anticipating tears, Sasuke can’t make himself look over to what is no doubt a very pitiful Naruto. 

A few moments pass, but there are no sounds of Naruto sniffling behind him. In fact, there’s just a sigh, which Sasuke finds to be oddly unreadable. 

“I…” Naruto says from where he is stirring broth on the stove. Sasuke braces for whatever unpredictable thing is about to come out of the blonde’s mouth. “...am so glad you finally said something, Sas.” 

Oh yeah, he’s started calling Sasuke by a nickname. 

“Being with you as much as possible these past few weeks has been incredible, but I have really been neglecting my own routine.”

“Well, we don’t want that,” Sasuke remarks, feeling relief flood through him. He can barely handle Naruto when he’s in a good mood, he has no idea how he’d go about managing him in a bad one. Not that he needs to “handle” or “be there” for Naruto. Sasuke couldn’t care less how he feels. Of course.

“No, I haven’t gone for a run for the past few weeks and am starting to feel antsy. Plus, I probably need to grab my pillow from my place if I am going to keep staying over here, but honestly I miss my own bed…” Naruto rambles on while Sasuke can’t help but find the irony in both of them feeling off kilter from the disruption of their routine. Even if it is for entirely different reasons. 

“Maybe we should take a week off, spend it apart,” Sasuke suggests. Suddenly, a presence is violently engulfing him from behind. 

“That’s a great idea! You know what they say!” Naruto responds enthusiastically. 

“Uhh—” Sasuke starts, not totally sure what Naruto is referencing as it could be literally anything.

“Abstinence makes your heart grow flounder!”

Sasuke turns to better face his boyfriend(?) and blinks slowly. “ Absence makes the heart grow fonder? ”

“Yeah! That too!” 

So that’s how Sasuke ended up negotiating a week apart from the parasite that is Naruto. A week where he can finally work to repair his ego. The best way to do that of course is to actually kill someone .

Of course, he can’t seem to do that either without Naruto showing up. Because of course he can’t. Because, as he observed earlier, Naruto is a clingy, obnoxious parasite that he can’t seem to shake. 

Deciding to change things up, Sasuke went to the park that night, looking for some tired jogger to snatch. He’s done it before with great success. Of course, now at the park and already talking to his next victim, just about to get them to get in his car when none other than (you guessed it) Naruto jogs up. 

“Sasuke! I didn’t know you were coming to the park tonight!” Naruto bounds up from the paved trail with a massive smile on his face. Sasuke wants to visibly droop in exasperation, but manages to keep it together somehow. 

“Uh, yeah, getting a little fresh air is good. Sometimes,” Sasuke isn’t entirely sure what to say. He isn’t dressed to be working out, and he has next to no reason to be at a park otherwise (from a normal person’s perspective, that is). 

“It is! Crazy that we both had the same idea! Must be all that time we are spending together,” Naruto remarks with a wink, before looking at the other man standing next to Sasuke’s car as though he is just noticing him (which, he probably is). Narrowing his eyes, Naruto asks coldly, “Who are you? What’s going on?”

Oh great, Naruto is suspicious and he has every right to be because despite Sasuke’s best efforts that first night they spent together was pretty suspicious. Sasuke just needs to calm down and answer methodically, to give a concise, logical answer as to why he is about to chuck this random stranger into the back of his car. Although, maybe Naruto can see the signs, they have been spending almost all of their free time together these past few weeks, so surely Naruto has picked up on some of Sasuke’s strange habits and ‘hobbies’ (like knife and tarp collecting). Oh god, Naruto’s about to say something, he’s opening his big mouth, it’s over, everything is over…

Sasuke seriously needs to stop acting as though Naruto has any awareness of anything.

“Sas…” Naruto’s eyes begin to well up with tears, making Sasuke feel even more off-kilter about how to handle this. Of course, Naruto’s thought process is crazy unpredictable, so Sasuke should have predicted some completely random explanation from the blonde. “You…”

Sasuke braces himself. He has never been paranoid in his life, despite his pretty illegal ‘hobby,’ because he has always been too smart to waste his time worrying. That is until now. Now, he has someone who has been around his house and seen all of the blatantly suspicious things scattered about—hell, Naruto has been on the receiving end of Sasuke’s murder attempts—and all of these combined factors of course have him terribly concerned. 

“You are such a good person,” Naruto practically sobs, a massive smile growing on his face.

“I… I am?” Sasuke looks at Naruto, quickly schooling what was going to be a combined astonished and relieved expression to his usual neutral one. “Uh, yeah. I am.” The guy he was shepherding into his car stands there awkwardly, both acting as though Sasuke wasn’t just stuffing him into it a few moments ago. 

“We need more people like you in the community, really.”

“We do?” Naruto nods in response, prompting Sasuke to more confidently say, nodding along, “We do.”

“It’s so dangerous, being out alone in the evening. You never know what kind of crazy person or creep is going to jump out of the bushes and snatch ya!”

“You’re so right.”

“I’m just glad there are safe people like you giving rides home. We need more good people helping others in the community, making sure they get home safely. God, Sas, you are just such a good guy! I’m sure the dogs at the daycare would love you!”

Sasuke shifts his weight between his feet. “I don’t know about that…” 

“Don’t be so bashing! You are such a good guy,” Naruto continues to gush, his incorrect word choice causing Sasuke to exchange glances with his once-victim. “In fact, if you don’t mind, I’ll take a ride home too! We can take back…” Naruto looks at the white-haired man standing nervously next to Sasuke.

“Uh—Suigetsu,” the man says, constantly looking between Naruto and Sasuke. 

“Suigetsu, first! Then we can spend a little time together, waddya say?” Naruto winks, before panic floods his features. “Although, that would be interfering with our time apart. How am I supposed to miss you if I never leave?” Tears actually begin welling in Naruto’s eyes, sending Sasuke into panic mode for entirely different reasons than he previously was. For some reason, he really cares about keeping Naruto’s emotions between the metaphorical ditches (which is much harder than one might imagine). 

“Naruto, it’s okay,” Sasuke starts calmly, “I can give you a ride home after dropping off Suigetsu,” he nods to the white-haired man that has escaped the clutches of death (at least for tonight). “We can spend just a little bit of time together on the car ride home. It’s not too much to break our… well… break.” 

Being thoughtful, kind, and considerate is another thing Sasuke doesn’t waste too much time on beyond entrapping potential prey into his web, so he isn’t entirely sure as to why he’s being careful with Naruto. Is it where he just doesn't want to deal with Naruto crying? Maybe… At least, it’s a good enough excuse that doesn’t require too much deeper self reflection (something he would rather not do in a public park with an actual stranger and a stranger that he is basically dating). 

Sniffling and nodding, Naruto dries his tears on the back of his hand and looks up at Sasuke with those big, blue puppy dog eyes that no doubt rival the pups at Naruto’s workplace. And, as Sasuke has learned over the past few weeks together, Naruto’s puppy eyes are very hard to deny. 

“Okay…” Naruto chokes, his voice already thick with the tears that were welling up. “I think that sounds good. But then back to our week break, ya know! I really want to miss ya!” 

So that’s how Sasuke ended up actually being a good person, and dropping Suigetsu off at his home several miles from the park and not chopping him up into small, even pieces to be discreetly disposed of later. 

When he pulls up to Naruto’s apartment complex, Naruto doesn’t immediately jump out, instead turning to face him in the passenger seat. 

“Sas,” Naruto’s eyes are sparkling with love and adoration, making Sasuke squirm just a little in his seat. “You are the best person I know, and I love you so much.” The compliment only makes Sasuke’s insides squirm too. If only Naruto knew… No, he never will. Not  because Sasuke is being so careful, but because Naruto is so dumb.

“Naruto, please… please stop using the ‘L’ word,” Sasuke mumbles, feeling gross and unworthy everytime Naruto does—for some reason.

Quirking his head to the side, confusion colors all of Naruto while the hamster in his head clearly kicks it into overdrive. “The… ‘L’ word…?”

Sasuke sags his shoulders briefly and rolls his eyes, not wanting to say it himself and have Naruto get any strange ideas (and he will). “You know . . .” he leads.

After a few more moments of clearly thinking very hard (Sasuke is worried smoke is about to blow out his ears from overuse), Naruto’s eyes suddenly brighten and a smile graces his face. “Ah! Yes. The ‘L’ word.” Naruto winks again, making Sasuke force a slightly pained smile on his face at Naruto’s efforts. “Litter! I know what a clean freak you are at home, no surprise you are one in public spaces too. You are quite the environmentalist, I see.” 

Wagging his eyebrows, Naruto leans in to lightly bump Sasuke’s shoulder while Sasuke tries to figure out how the fuck Naruto ended up at ‘litter.’ 

“No, no, Naruto, the ‘L’ word you used with me recently.” It takes everything to not facepalm at Naruto’s seemingly random thought process 

Expression growing serious, Naruto leans in and whispers, “You mean ‘lesbians?’” 

Now it’s taking all of Sasuke’s willpower to not physically kick Naruto out of his car. It’s best to dispose of the ditz as soon as possible. Sasuke doesn’t want to breathe in anymore of his air, worried that stupidity might be contagious. 

“No, Naruto. ‘Love.’ I mean ‘love!’” Sasuke finally exclaims, raising his voice and feeling his emotions are a little more out of control than he usually likes them to be. For some reason, this is a common feeling around Naruto. If he could just kill him once and for all, he could be free of this stupid emotion in his chest. 

Naruto pulls Sasuke into another awkward, spine-cracking hug over the center console. “I love you too!” 

All Sasuke can do is stiffly pat Naruto on the back, feeling defeated by such a frustrating opponent. Again. 

Their week-long break only lasts about three days before Naruto and his co-dependent ass are back, plopped on Sasuke’s living room couch watching more trash television. Sasuke doesn’t pay attention to it, but has found himself putting it on as background noise in Naruto’s absence for some reason. It is interesting how much livelier his otherwise quiet house is now that Naruto has practically moved back in again. And while Sasuke keeps rolling his eyes and shuffling around, internally he finds that he doesn’t really mind it as much as he lets on. 

When Naruto came marching in through his front door after only a few days apart, he came in with a flurry of energy and ‘stipulations,’ or ‘stipends,’ as Naruto incorrectly called them. 

“I have some stipends,” Naruto says, just entering Sasuke’s house like he owns the place. 

“Stipends?” Sasuke asks. “I’m not giving you money to live in my house.” 

Naruto just shoots him a brief confused look and continues on. “So, I admit I couldn’t go any longer without seeing you again.”

“We saw each other the other night at the park,” Sasuke reminds him.

“And it reminded me how much I miss you!” Naruto says, moving to drape himself all over Sasuke as he often does. “But, I don’t want us to become too dependent on one another…” 

Sasuke opts to hold his tongue, choosing to not mention how Naruto already is too dependent on him and he doesn’t even want Naruto around really. The blonde just keeps showing up because one of his other hobbies seems to be existing everywhere all at once. Maybe he can clone himself? No, he’s too stupid to figure out how. 

“So, I have some stipends so we can maintain healthy boundaries.” Naruto says this as if he has any concept of boundaries, much less healthy ones. 

“Stipulations?”

“No, I don’t want to get paid.” Sasuke is so close to pulling his hair out by the roots. But Naruto’s big puppy eyes look up at him so full of love and adoration that for some reason he finds himself just giving a half eye roll (improvement) and nodding for Naruto to continue. 

“So, I am going to still go on my runs in the mornings or evenings—weather dependent—and I think that you should try and continue on with some of your own routine activities too. Like, I know how much you like watching ‘Are You The One?’ and I don’t want to get in the way of that time for you.” Again, instead of correcting Naruto (Sasuke only watches it because Naruto turns it on), he just continues listening to Naruto’s conditions.

“But I think we should try to go on a date or two every week. It doesn’t have to be anything crazy, it can be a low-key date, but just some time we can spend together. Maybe we can combine our interests! You like going to the park right? Maybe we can go on nature walks and hikes together!” 

Naruto nuzzles harder into Sasuke’s neck, soft blonde hair tickling. Sasuke can’t help but smile at the first smart thing the blonde has said probably ever. Nature walks are perfect. Naruto going for regular runs is perfect. Perfectly oblivious Naruto is, well, perfect. Because while Naruto does whatever—sniffs the flowers or some shit—Sasuke can discreetly continue with his serial killer ways and now he has the perfect alibi. He finds himself smiling to himself. 

“Naruto, I think that sounds wonderful. Those are very good stipula—uh—stipends.”

The reality of living with Naruto’s stipen— stipulations— really isn’t that bad. Especially since there is a consistent time when Sasuke knows Naruto isn’t going to be around. ‘Alone time,’ as Naruto calls it. Sasuke can’t seem to find it in him to remind Naruto that he used to have alone time all the time before Naruto forced himself into Sasuke’s life (without consultation or discussion, mind you). 

Naruto is surprisingly active, going for runs in both the morning and evenings every day, which Sasuke is thankful for because it burns off the excess of energy he seems to be overflowing with, making him slightly more bearable and—unfortunately— no less stupid. 

Having Naruto around all the time lets Sasuke observe him, and Sasuke can’t figure out how Naruto has lived to see twenty-four. He doesn’t look both ways before crossing the street. He can’t do basic mental math (8 + 6 isn’t a trick question). He plugs in electronics next to water sources. He touches hot pans. He went home with a serial killer. How he hasn’t managed to die before Sasuke got his hands on him is an enigma. Naruto is a walking disaster waiting to happen. And despite his original intentions, Sasuke finds himself working harder to ensure that Naruto doesn’t die these days, at the very least avoiding serious injury. 

Another thing about Naruto is that he never comes to the correct conclusion about anything . If the event at the park wasn’t a good enough example, the first time he actually gets a good look at Sasuke’s garage only proves this point further.

“Oh, wow… you have a lot of freezers in your garage,” Naruto says, spinning around wildly to take them all in. Sasuke gets a little nervous. He never lets people into his garage, because it is more than normal, even for people who buy in bulk. Still, Sasuke decides that’s the best explanation, opening his mouth to respond when Naruto cuts him off. 

“I’ve just never seen someone who loves ice cream so much! And here I thought you were lactose tolerant!” Naruto says with a big smile. “It’s a good thing I am trying to stay fit, otherwise I would totally want you to share.”

Sasuke is left speechless, as he seems to find himself around Naruto more often than not. Like when Naruto comes home early from his jogs, catching a very-busy-with-serial-killer-things Sasuke completely off guard. 

“I’m hoooommmeeeee,” Naruto sings, loud voice carrying through the house. Sasuke panics and starts randomly moving about body parts and trash bags and knives and everything. He’s not able to get out of the bloody apron and gloves fast enough though, and he can hear Naruto’s footsteps getting closer and closer to the spare bedroom. Despite Sasuke trying to keep this room off-limits, it has been proven time and time again that Naruto

1. Is forgetful
2. Has zero boundaries
3. Wants to be where Sasuke is (even if that is in the room Sasuke designated as off-limits)

“Hey Sas, what are you up to?” Naruto appears in the doorframe, looking sweaty and kind of cute? Not that Sasuke thinks anything is cute (especially when that thing is Naruto and Naruto is incredibly annoying). Sparkling blue eyes take in the scene before him, head tilting to the side in contemplation. “You’re so… interesting…” he starts, suddenly making Sasuke squirm and Sasuke doesn’t squirm. 

“Yeah?” Sasuke was always so confident before Naruto. Then again, he wasn’t trying to hide his only real interest and hobby from someone who basically now lives in his house. Why is he letting Naruto stick around again? 

“How did you get into butchering? That's such a... unique hobby... But don't worry! You make it hot.” The idiot standing in the door way has the fucking audacity to wink. Wink . And Sasuke’s heart has the audacity to flutter! Flutter . 

No, not flutter. It’s probably just heartburn, or heart palpitations, or a heart attack. Anything is better than a flutter. 

Naruto insists that they go on dates. So, after being worn down by literal days of energetic nagging (it’s worse than regular nagging, as Sasuke has recently discovered) they are finally going on a ‘date’ to one of Naruto’s favorite restaurants, some ramen place near the ocean. Sasuke isn’t going to waste an opportunity, and has loaded up some ‘waste’ he needs to ‘dispose of’ once they’ve had dinner and it’s dark outside. He’s made sure to route their way home to stop over a bridge that sees low traffic to just quickly dump a few things he’s been needing to get rid of anyway, and then continue their drive home. Drama-free. Nice and easy. 

Although, he should know after a month and a half of existing with Naruto, nothing is ever nice and easy. 

Dinner was fine. Naruto ate too much and then made Sasuke pay for it, promising to foot the bill next time. Sasuke ate some ramen, and it was fine. Naruto rambled the whole dinner, talking with his mouth full which was less than fine, but somehow Sasuke made it through without stabbing Naruto with his cheap, disposable chopsticks. Overall, it was fine.

And for some reason, Naruto has decided to stop being completely oblivious now .

“Where are we going?” Naruto asks, looking out the passenger side window. 

“Taking a small detour,” Sasuke responds with a raised eyebrow, surprised Naruto even notices the different route home, especially now that it’s nighttime. 

“Why?” Sasuke hates that question. It makes him feel like he’s dealing with a child, which Naruto basically is.

“Because I want to,” Sasuke hopes the non-answer shuts down this line of discussion. Naruto hums, going silent for a moment, and Sasuke can’t help but be astonished that it works. At least for a few minutes.

“Is there some reason? You aren’t going to take me out into the woods and murder me, right?” Naruto shoots a big, teasing smile at Sasuke, completely unaware of how close he is dancing to the truth. At least, it would be the truth if he wasn’t so fucking unkillable. 

“No, nothing like that… I need to pull off right here for a moment…” Sasuke says, putting on his flashers and pulling off to the road shoulder as they reach the middle of the bridge. 

“Uh, okay, what are you going to do?”

“Nothing, just stay in the car,” Sasuke says, rushing to undo his seatbelt and toss a few indiscrete garbage bags into the muddy river below. 

Working quickly, he begins tossing the industrial garbage bags half-full of unmentionable waste into the river, only having about four bags in total. He is grabbing the last one when Naruto’s voice breaks his frantic focus. 

“Sasuke, you really shouldn’t ‘L-word,’ ya know.” Naruto moves closer and whispers, “Litter.”

In a desperate attempt to keep things moving, Sasuke just mumbles, “Naruto, not now. Just shut up.”

“I'm just saying. In school they taught us all about how littering is so bad for the environment! How raccoons can choke on it and sea turtles get straws stuck up their noses. It's really sad! I've seen the videos! We can set you up with some recycling bins and it will be much better!” Naruto cries, moving to grab Sasuke’s wrist, clearly to prevent him from tossing the bag into the river. 

“My litter is biodegradable,” Sasuke attempts to explain. While the bags themselves may not be, the contents certainly are. Naruto pauses, loosening his grip for a moment, the blank look in his eyes communicating that his mind is probably overheating (and not for the first time).

“What does that mean?” 

“Biodegradable?”
“Yeah! Trash isn’t biodegradable! I saw it in that video…”

“Naruto, that video wasn’t showing the kind of trash that I’m throwing out.”

“How do you know?” Naruto exclaims, eyes growing wide in the dim light. 

“Trust me, I just know. Now let me do this and let’s go,” Sasuke is getting just a little irritated, but the innocent gleam in Naruto’s eyes keeps him from being thrown over the bridge into the river (but just barely).

“Okay, if you say so…” 

Naruto proceeds to pout the whole way home, asking Sasuke to share some of his ice cream stash to make him feel better about being a bystander to litter. Thankfully, after Naruto’s observation of his abundance of freezers, Sasuke made sure to pick up a few gallons of ice cream from the store. Just in case.

Sasuke gasps, causing Naruto to turn around abruptly from where he has gotten tangled in the underbrush literally chasing a squirrel.

“What is it?” Naruto bounds over to where Sasuke is squatting on the edge of a clearing.

“Gray’s Lily…” Sasuke says under his breath, moving in to carefully look at the small orange flowers. 

“What’s that?” Naruto asks, moving to pick one before Sasuke stops him.

“It’s an endangered species.” Naruto gives a silent ‘oh’ in response. They lean in looking at the delicate flower together.

“It’s so cool how you know so much about nature, Sasuke,” Naruto whispers, despite them being alone in the woods on a nature walk. 

Sasuke doesn’t have the heart to tell Naruto his true intentions for looking for endangered and rare plants that law-abiding hikers and nature enjoyers aren’t supposed to dig up. There’s no casual way to say ‘Yeah! I know lots about endangered species because they are perfect for planting over the remains of my victims!’ 

Bounding ahead, skipping through the crowd, Naruto enthusiastically goes to get a cart while Sasuke fishes his Costco card from his wallet. Despite always being full of annoying people and families, Sasuke loves Costco. It’s the best place to buy all of the things he needs—bleach, gloves, tarps, garbage bags, paper towels, and even some creative killing methods—in bulk. And being a pretty active serial killer (even with Naruto inserting himself aggressively into his life) he goes through quite a few supplies. 

“So, what’s on the list today?” Naruto asks, meeting up with Sasuke at the entrance. 

“Just some housekeeping items,” Sasuke replies, checking his list again. 

“You sure are a neat freak.” Sasuke can’t help but immediately look up and shoot a glare in Naruto’s direction.

“You basically moved into my house, without consulting me, and are living there for almost free. Don’t complain.”

“I’m not!” Naruto wraps his arms around Sasuke’s neck tightly. “I love how neat and organized you are. I don’t like how much waste you go through to get there though. Maybe you could stop using single-use gloves… or something?” 

Due to Naruto’s impossibly close proximity, Sasuke can’t see the puppy dog eyes peering up at him, but he can sure feel them. Naruto’s big, watery blue eyes are dangerous, and Sasuke finds that he can’t seem to resist them.

“I’ll think abou—”

“Look! Samples!” Naruto rushes off before Sasuke can even finish his sentence to pick up a free sample of Belvita crackers. 

As they make their way through the massive isles, Naruto snags any and all samples of fiber milk, skinny popcorn, rice cakes, and once-frozen fish he can, stuffing every sample into his mouth as soon as he gets it and then circling back around as discreetly as the loud, clumsy blonde can (note: not very). 

Despite Naruto’s many detours, Sasuke presses on, collecting the things on his list and moving methodically throughout the massive warehouse. He’s made it over to the industrial cleaning supplies when Naruto rejoins, hands and mouth full of free samples. 

“Sawsgay, you whaf to twy this tuna!” Naruto holds out a small cup with a slice of raw fish in it. 

“That’s… that’s alright Naruto. I think you should have it,” Sasuke replies politely, briefly eyeing the raw fish and deeming the sample a bad idea. 

“Okway, mow fow mwe!” Naruto tilts his head back like he’s taking a shot and not like he’s adding a sliver of sushi-grade tuna to his already-full mouth. Sometimes, Sasuke wonders if Naruto was raised by a pack of unbelievably dumb wolves. He hopes that’s true, for his parents’ sake. 

Deciding on his tried-and-true Kirkland trash bags, Sasuke moves to reach for them before being interrupted by what sounds like a combination gurgle/choke/yelp. Of course. Sasuke can’t kill Naruto, but a bunch of Costco food samples do. Of course. Of course! 

“Don’t pick those!” Naruto yells, physically fine but emotionally distraught, dramatically scurrying in front of Sasuke to block him from grabbing the box of trash bags. 

A dark eyebrow raises. “And… why not? These are the ones I have used for years.”

“Because, look! These right here,” Naruto points to a box of Hefty industrial trash bags, “If you get these, they’re biodegradation! Just like the trash you throw out. Now it all will be and won’t harm the rivers and choke otters and stuff!” The blonde has a wild, desperate look in his eye. 

Naruto’s hand reaches out and engulfs Sasuke’s. “I just want to help you be better. That day on our hike, I saw how much care you had for the endangered flowers. There’s so much love and care within you Sasuke. I can tell you love the outdoors and the environment, despite being really strange in how you go about it. Get these trash bags. Not just for me, but for the otters.”

And for some reason, despite having never cared much about anyone, or anything, Sasuke finds himself moving to grab the Hefty trash bags instead of the trusty Kirklands. He tells himself it’s just because Naruto will throw a fit like the overgrown toddler he is and Sasuke can’t be bothered to deal with it. Yeah. That’s why. 

There’s another part of him, a strange part that he doesn’t quite understand and isn’t sure if he wants to, that likes seeing Naruto… happy? At the very least, he makes shopping in a crowded Costco oddly bearable. The blonde continues to stay close with Sasuke, offering more cost effective or environmentally friendly options (where Naruto got the idea that Sasuke is some kind of staunch environmentalist, he has no idea, but sure, it’s easier to explain), and generally chatting about anything and everything. It’s oddly nice, which is something that Sasuke doesn’t really understand, but finds himself happy to participate in nonetheless. 

Time seems to move so much faster with Naruto. Partially because living with the dumb blonde is like having a live-in natural disaster, but also because it’s kind of fun. They go on more nature-related dates, mostly hikes in the surrounding hills, which Naruto enjoys because he can scamper around like a puppy and Sasuke enjoys them because he can strategically dispose of more ‘waste’ on these outings. 

Naruto even noticed Sasuke’s tendencies to dig holes and bought him an ergonomic shovel for his birthday. Which was strange, but still appreciated. 

It’s kind of funny how Sasuke’s memories of his kills have begun to fundamentally change. The smooth river stone now sitting on his nightstand isn’t from the day he dumped that nasty hag who yelled at everyone in the coffee shop into the river—it’s the river stone from the day he and Naruto went for a nice stroll on the riverwalk, holding hands in public for the first time. 

The day he buried a few remnants of some random frat bro under the petunias at the botanical gardens isn’t what Sasuke remembers most about August 4th. No, he remembers Naruto leading him around, asking about the different plants (despite Sasuke not actually knowing much about plants) and admiring how well he put the flowerbeds back together. He had to, of course, because bi-color petunias are Naruto’s favorite flower. 

Every pleasurable memory of a kill is being almost entirely overwritten by an even more pleasurable memory of spending time with Naruto. Even when Naruto is being especially stupid (which is more often than not). 

Like the other day on their Saturday morning hike, Sasuke had brought along his new shovel and while Naruto was exploring some almost-dilapidated barn he buried a mix of remains and body parts of recent victims he’s been meaning to dispose of somewhere. He found a nice oak tree to bury them near. 

After reconvening, they shared a wonderful picnic. After they ate, Sasuke laid out on the checkered blanket while Naruto bounded off to do whatever it is he does (chase bugs and small rodents, most likely). With the warm summer sun streaming on his face between the leaves and a gentle breeze caressing his cheeks, Sasuke felt so… light.

Naruto came bounding back over, flopping to lie half on top of Sasuke and grabbing his bony hand. In the past few months, he has learned that Naruto requires almost constant physical contact to be happy, and Sasuke is finding that he actually enjoys Naruto’s constant warmth. 

“This was such a special date. Thank you, Sasuke,” Naruto says, looking from where his head is resting on Sasuke’s stomach. 

Squeezing the tanned hand entangled in his own, Sasuke replies, “You’re welcome. I’ve had fun too.” At first, these kinds of words and phrases felt uncomfortable and inauthentic rolling off of Sasuke’s tongue. Before he just said them to go along with Naruto’s elaborate delusions. Now, they flow so easily. He lets out a content sigh.

“I want to remember this day, and this spot. So, I carved our names into that pretty oak tree over there so we can always find our way back to this exact spot.”

With this news, Sasuke sits up abruptly. “You did what—”

Chapter Text

You Better Not Die On Me (Or Else I’ll Have to Kill You)

Redeyedkiller (12:51 am)

Hello everyone. I haven’t posted much on this forum, and not for a long time, but I am having some problems. For context, I have always been a fantastic serial killer, one of the best in my area, at the very least, but I recently failed a kill, and I still don’t know how to feel about it. Do you think it makes me a failure? 

Yourneighborhoodbonecollector (12:56 am)

Hmmm, interesting. Failing just one kill probably doesn’t constitute you being a “failure” unless the victim now knows about you being a killer. That can cause some major problems.

Redeyedkiller (12:59 am)

It makes me feel better to hear that. The feeling of failure has been nagging at my mind recently and I thought this community could offer some insight and support. Thankfully, no, the victim is completely unaware that I am a serial killer. He’s far too stupid. 

BadDexter (1:03 am) 

Too stupid? I don’t know if I trust that…

Redeyedkiller (1:05 am)

No, seriously, he’s way too stupid. He has no clue.

Yourneighborhoodbonecollector (1:06 am)

Glad you are feeling better. Always happy to help out a fellow hobbyist. Hopefully you can get some fresh kills under your belt and build your confidence back up again.

Redeyedkiller (1:08 am)

I have had a few kills since the… incident… with this one victim, and some of my confidence has returned. It’s just… it doesn’t feel the same anymore. I don’t get the same rush I used to.

BadDexter (1:11 am)

Hmmm, that’s strange. Where do you think it all went wrong?

Sasuke physically gulps after reading the most recent message on his dark web serial killer’s forum. He knows exactly when it all went wrong. After a pause, he begins to type.

Redeyedkiller (1:18 am)

When I fell in love with the victim that I failed to kill. 

“Sasuke, are you in here?” Naruto’s bright voice rings from the hall just outside of Sasuke’s spare bedroom, making Sasuke begin flailing uncharacteristically, trying to finish typing out his response and closing the tabs before Naruto can see. 

He barely gets the window closed when Naruto’s voice appears right beside him, making him practically jump out of his chair. “What?” he snaps, instantly regretting the harshness of his tone as Naruto’s puppy dogs eyes begin to look a little watery. 

“I—I was just curious about what you were up to. When I woke up you weren’t in the bed, and I missed you.” Naruto’s lower lip is now quivering, Sasuke has to handle this delicately. 

“I…” Sasuke’s mind reels with what to say. “I was watching hardcore porn,” his mind decides on, for some reason concluding that hardcore porn will be easier to explain than an internet forum. Now that the words have escaped him, and Naruto looks especially sad, he realized anything else would have been better. He could have said it was a roleplay fiction writing forum or something. Anything. 

“Wi—without me?” Naruto looks devastated, tears actually forming in his intense blue eyes. Sasuke reaches out for Naruto’s hand, hoping to pull him in and comfort him (why, he doesn’t know, he’s full of impulsive, bad decisions tonight). But Naruto jerks his arm away dramatically just in time. 

“I—” Sasuke starts before Naruto begins full-on sobbing.

“I get that you need alone time sometimes and stuff, but, I don’t know, am I inadequate? I want to make sure I am enough for you, ya know? We could watch together, I could have learned more about what you like. I want to know everything about you, Sas,” Naruto wails, face turning red and tears spilling down onto his orange and frog-print PJ set. 

Standing, Sasuke moves to wrap Naruto in his arms (when did he go so dang soft?), a hand moving to lightly caress the blonde’s wild hair. “Next time I’ll be sure to include you, okay?” Sasuke whispers softly, feeling Naruto nod against his neck. He isn’t even entirely sure what he’s saying, or why he’s saying it (inviting someone to watch porn is a little random but so is Naruto). It seems to make Naruto feel better, so he supposes it’s all worth it. 

Naruto’s crying slows down, hiccups shaking his body occasionally as he aggressively nuzzles into Sasuke’s neck and chest, wiping the remnants of his tears all over Sasuke. For some reason, Sasuke doesn’t really mind, because holding Naruto feels nice, warm, a little wet at the moment but still good. 

He never did go back to see the replies, because really, they aren’t that important in the grand scheme of things. Sasuke has things under control… and Naruto.

Life carries on about as normally as it can with a serial killer and a serial idiot living together. Naruto continues to leave overwhelming amounts of evidence everywhere in the name of love that Sasuke either disposes of (feeling awful in the process) or leaves as-is (fuck it) because Naruto is too charming for his own good.

Their nature walks have become a bi-weekly activity and Sasuke finds that he gets antsy in anticipation looking forward to them. Getting to explore a new hiking trail, finding new locations to dispose of human remains, holding hands with Naruto, picnicking with Naruto, basking in the sunshine with Naruto, watching Naruto chase squirrels and rabbits, and just generally being with the love of his life. 

Woah… where did that come from? Naruto is not the love of his life. 

Theoretically, being a moody, mysterious, clever killer, Sasuke’s only love and passion should come from the thrill of the chase, the thrill of the kill. Not… Naruto. 

And yet, these thoughts keep slowly creeping into Sasuke’s mind. 

It’s getting to be a real problem, as far as he’s concerned, hence reaching out to the forum. Because the biggest problem is that he’s finding he might like spending time with Naruto more than killing people. The rushes, they’re similar, but for some reason when Naruto smiles at him, or holds his hand, or kisses him, it feels so much… better. 

It’s utterly disgusting. It’s grosser than ripping out someone’s internal organs, disembodying a carcass, or dealing with the blood, guts, and fluids of his victims. Whenever he reflects on how much he enjoys Naruto’s company, Sasuke gets a little squeamish(and that’s really saying something coming from the man who literally kills people for fun). 

These feelings can’t be normal, nor can they be healthy. His heart rate increasing whenever Naruto does something stupid (cute) is obviously going to cause him heart problems later on, and he can’t have that. The amount of times he has sweaty palms is bound to dehydrate him and that’s no good. Occasionally he flushes so deeply at the compliments and love Naruto just casually throws his way, and Sasuke knows that fevers are bad and worthy of a hospital visit at worst, bed rest at the very least, and he doesn’t have time for either one. And the headaches, oh god the headaches Naruto causes him. He swears he is swallowing down  Tylenol like it’s going out of style. What he needs is a good massage, and he would get one… if he didn’t kill the masseuse he used to visit from time to time. 

Yes, Naruto is very, very bad for Sasuke and yet he is very, very good. 

These moments of clarity don’t stop Sasuke from occasionally panicking about the whole situation though. Like he is right fucking now . 

Their nature walk has been going smoothly, Naruto collecting random nuts and branches and offering them to Sasuke, who takes them. Usually after a few minutes (when Naruto has forgotten about them), he lets the ‘gift’ fall to the side of the trail before Naruto comes bounding up with a new one for him. They’ve been going along at a pretty good pace, hoping to reach a bald at the top of the mountain trail that provides a great view of the mountain scenery, when it all just hits.  

The realization that Sasuke—prodigy, genius, and most importantly, serial killer—is flouncing around in the forest with some stupid dumb idiot who is supposed to be his victim and not the love of his life. His mind starts reeling, questioning how the fuck he got here and what he’s doing. This isn’t right, all of these months with Naruto have made him go soft, and he cannot have that. 

His joy isn’t derived from things like hikes and kisses and reality TV. It’s from finding the perfect victim, playing some light mind games and killing them mercilessly and oh no now he’s running. Where to, he has no idea, he just knows he has to get away from Naruto and this life he’s been living that doesn’t feel like it’s his. 

It should be noted that Sasuke—unlike Naruto—is not a runner. He’s not entirely sure what has possessed him to start running in the first place, other than overwhelming panic. Because amongst this internal dialog about how bad Naruto is for him, he knows, deep down, that he is the one who is bad for Naruto.

Naruto, who hates litter and cares about sea turtles and otters and other disgusting vermin. Naruto, who loves watching reality dating shows and pairing people up and indulging in all the drama. Naruto, who has so many unique hobbies that are now scattered all around Sasuke’s home, like ropes for his knot tying(?) and Kendo swords. Naruto, who loves with his whole heart. A love Sasuke fears is not good enough for Naruto, not pure enough. 

So he runs, like… physically runs, through the forest, unsure of exactly where he plans to go. Back to the car? He can’t leave Naruto behind! The poor idiot will never find a way back home. To the end of the trail? He can’t leave Naruto behind! The poor idiot will never find a way up there by himself. Still, Sasuke’s overactive mind just tells him to go .

Of course, running from Naruto is practically impossible, he’s the sporty type, after all. And soon after Sasuke starts panic-running down the trail, he can tell Naruto is chasing after him, and gaining quickly. Why can’t Naruto just get out of his life? Just die or something? Because he’s fucking unkillable, that’s why. 

“Wow Sas, I didn’t know you had picked up trail running! I’ve actually been thinking about running a marathon recently and have been looking for a running buddy. This is perfect!” Naruto’s far-too-cheery and decidedly not out of breath face appears. 

Despite anticipating that Naruto would eventually start chasing after him, it still startles Sasuke and prompts him to run a little faster. His lungs burn, his muscles ache, he isn’t in good enough shape to run up a mountain and yet he still does, Naruto hot on his heels. Is this what a mental breakdown looks like? Sasuke always thought he was too intelligent for a breakdown, yet here he is, mind racing and body practically sprinting up the side of the mountain despite the fact that he hasn’t sprinted since high school gym. 

He’s already panting and wheezing, the thinner air of the mountain not helping at all. Naruto, the bastard, is basically jogging at a leisurely pace right behind him. 

“Are you okay, Sas? Your breathing doesn’t sound good,” Naruto says, not sounding as though he is struggling at all. Damn sporty types. Damn Naruto running every fucking day. Damn being so fucking unkillable. 

Sasuke can’t even respond, too out of breath and too manic to stop. 

“Trail running is no joke! These higher altitudes are a real killer, ya know! Especially when you have asthma,” Naruto rambles on as if they aren’t running up the side of a mountain at Sasuke’s top speed. 

Naruto’s last statement takes Sasuke off-guard. “What?” he manages to get out between heaving breaths. 

“I just mean, you should have told me that you have asthma.”

Sasuke just stares straight ahead at the trail, defeated. “I don’t,” he wheezes. It’s not asthma, it’s stupidly trying to outrun his problem (singular) when he’s not really in the shape to do so.

“Well, you can run slower, like, at your own pace. It’s not like anyone’s chasing you!” Naruto’s energetic voice calls from right fucking behind him. 

All Sasuke can manage to do is shoot a weak glare back at Naruto while he practically kills himself in this panic-induced plight. 

“Like, forreal Sas, you really need to slow down.” There’s a weight on his shoulder as Naruto rests his hand there, lightly pulling for Sasuke to slow down. It’s oddly nice, being touched by Naruto. His heart goes from racing due to panic and physical activity to racing because Naruto is touching him with so much care. 

They come to a stop on the trail, Naruto’s hand pulling Sasuke around to face him. Now that they have well and truly stopped this chase of sorts, Sasuke realizes how hot and sweaty and flushed he is and how energetic and cute and not tired Naruto is in direct contrast. 

“Look, Sas, is something bothering you?” Naruto asks, the hand on Sasuke’s shoulder beginning to rub soothingly (gross). Concern is obvious in Naruto’s big, blue puppy eyes, he looks so worried that he might cry, tears already welling (but when are they not, honestly). 

Sasuke wants to push Naruto’s hand away, to reject his own feelings for the dumb blonde. But he can’t. Not when the touch feels so nice and Naruto’s looking at him like that . 

“No, no… I don’t know,” Sasuke mumbles, still completely out of breath. 

“It’s okay if you don’t understand how you feel at the moment, there’s nothing wrong with that. Let’s just have a moment to catch our breath and try to calm our minds,” Naruto says, uncharacteristically wise. He pulls Sasuke over to a large boulder on the side of the trail to sit. 

“Being at a higher altitude, it’s going to be really difficult for you to catch your breath. We’ll probably need to head back down so you can really rest.” Naruto takes Sasuke’s hand in his own, playing with Sasuke’s fingers. Sasuke can’t help but reflect on how different they are in every possible way, how truly incompatible they are for one another. 

“Naruto, this… this isn’t working,” he chokes out, his heart physically aching as the words are practically forced out of his mouth. Then again, maybe that’s his heart hurting from trying to outrun Naruto. Hard to say. 

The blonde tilts his head to the side, confusion coloring his face (as it usually does). “I agree.”

Sasuke perks up in surprise, not expecting Naruto to actually agree with this particular sentiment. “You do?”

“Absolutely.”

“Really now?”

“Yeah, this isn’t a very good way to train. You have to build up running for this length of time, at that pace, at this altitude. You have to start a little easier and build up to this. I love that you are interested in taking up one of my hobbies, but you don’t have to push yourself like this. I don’t want you to get hurt.” Naruto squeezes his hand at the last sentiment, making Sasuke feel like he’s going to puke. From exercise… yeah. 

“No, Naruto, I mean… us. This relationship. What are we doing?” Sasuke sighs.

Instantly, Naruto looks offended, squeezing Sasuke’s hand harder. “We’re in love! That’s what we’re doing. You and me, we’re insuperable.” 

Sasuke blinks. “What?” 

“We belong together all the time, ya know? Nothing can tear us apart.”

“Okay,” Sasuke responds weakly, shoulders slumping, way too tired from running to try and clarify or fight back. Plus, Naruto’s confirmation actually makes him feel a little bit better, not that he’d ever admit to it. He finds himself leaning into Naruto’s body, accepting the touch (but only because he’s tired and for no other reason).

After his meltdown, his ‘perfectly healthy emotional release’ as Naruto called it, Sasuke does admittedly feel a little better. They came back home and continued their regular routine of Naruto going for runs, Sasuke going in for kills, and settling down every night to watch reality TV together before snuggling to sleep. 

Sasuke is beginning to realize that maybe Naruto is right, they are insup—inseparable. In that, the only time he gets away from Naruto is when they are at work, or when Naruto is out for his daily runs (that Sasuke has not joined him on because he isn’t actually interested in running). But, it’s not bad. Now that the panic has calmed down a little bit, he easily falls back into the routine they have established over the past six months, Naruto being integrated into his life as though he’s always been there. Sasuke tries to keep himself in check, reminding himself that it’s okay to like snuggling Naruto while he shouts out incorrect fun facts as they watch TV together. That it’s perfectly normal to crave Naruto’s warmth when the energetic blonde gets up early in the morning to go on his first run of the day, leaving Sasuke in the cold bed alone. It’s fine.  

Or to actually consider Naruto’s suggestion when he suddenly springs on Sasuke,

“We should adopt a dog!” Sasuke has to hold his tongue to not make some comment about how he already has one lost golden retriever sleeping in his bed and eating all of his food. In fact, instead of instantly dismissing the idea (like he should), he rumintates on the idea, and why it’s so bad. “Maybe… what’s prompted this?” he asks, fingers carding through Naruto’s blonde locks, earning a little satisfied shudder from the man sprawled across his lap. 

“I love dogs.”

“Yes, I figured, considering your line of work.”

“But I don’t only want to see dogs at work. I want to be able to come home and have one of my own. I’ll feed it and snuggle it and play with it, and it can go on runs with me, and we’ll be best friends! I’ll love it so much…” Naruto continues rambling on, and Sasuke feels something coming on, pure nausea. A sickly thing gathering in his chest. 

He’s fucking jealous of a hypothetical dog. 

“Yeah, I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” he finds himself abruptly saying, cutting off Naruto waxing poetic about how great some mangy mutt would be. As if the stupid dog wouldn’t take away Naruto from him, consuming all of his precious time and energy. Naruto doesn’t need a dog to go on hikes with and watch really shitty reality TV with—that’s what Sasuke’s for! 

Naruto looks up at him, concern in his eyes. “You don’t think I am responsible enough, do you?” 

Now Sasuke feels like shit. How on Earth is he going to admit that he is jealous of a dog? Simple. You don’t. You just murder the dog in cold blood and raw jealousy. But then Naruto will be crushed, which means he absolutely has to shut this down.

“Is getting a dog a good idea at this stage in our relationship?” he decides to go with, curling a strand around his finger. 

“Do you think we aren’t in love enough?” Naruto looks up at Sasuke with so much love and adoration, it almost makes him sick. He has to handle this very carefully. 

“I do…” he starts, trying to figure out a way to word this that his idiot boyfriend(?) won’t misconstrue, “but I think we will only be more in love with time. Right now, we just need to focus on us, and our relationship.” 

“Yeah, you’re right. I think I fall in love with you a little more every single day, Sasuke.” The warmest smile grows on Naruto’s face, completely lighting up his charming features, (totally not) melting Sasuke’s cold-blooded killer heart. 

It is a perfectly normal Saturday. They have just gotten back from their Saturday morning combination of evidence dumping and romantic hike. Sasuke decided to make PB&J sandwiches, a classic. Now, he is watching the only person he has ever come to love die before his very eyes. 

At first, Naruto’s eyes and face start to itch—odd, but so is Naruto. Then, his skin starts getting red and splotchy, followed by hives breaking out all over his arms and up his back. Then his throat starts swelling and he rushes over to throw up in the kitchen sink. He is now choking out something about ‘peanuts’ between bouts of vomiting. All Sasuke can do is stand there frozen in the middle of the kitchen, at a loss for what to do. 

Naruto’s heaving over the kitchen sink.

Sasuke’s heart is racing.

Naruto gasps for breath as his weak body slumps over the counter.

Sasuke is completely frozen in place, breathing unsteady.

Naruto is dying.

He cannot believe what is happening in front of his very eyes. Out of all the things he tried, he had come to the conclusion that Naruto was completely unkillable. But now, here he is, showing all the symptoms of someone dying. 

Naruto’s pathetic eyes catch his, looking so weak and scared. His poor lover manages to choke out, “Sas—please—”

And in that moment, Sasuke completely shatters. He has to do something, he doesn’t know why, but he has to. It’s just a feeling deep in his bones making him move with the determination to (against all odds) keep Naruto from dying.

“Where is your EpiPen?” Sasuke asks, quickly locating his cell phone, car keys, and begins rooting around in his own medicine cabinet for anything that might help the situation, already getting ready to dial 911 if it comes to that. 

For a moment, Naruto stops to respond stupidly, “Oh, I think I lost it.” Before continuing to die in the kitchen sink. 

Sasuke becomes frantic, praying he has one in his own stash, mumbling “Oh god, oh god, oh god,” the entire time. Internally, he can’t help but curse stupid Naruto for being so stupid. Why didn’t he tell Sasuke he was allergic to peanut butter? Why did he eat the sandwich? Why did he lose his EpiPen? He‘s so, so, so stupid and Sasuke hates him so much and that’s why his vision is blurring and there are tears running down his cheeks because he’s just so fucking angry at Naruto. Yeah. 

His hands begin to shake as he throws everything out of the cabinet onto the countertop and floors, desperate to find something to fix Naruto. Nothing. Fucking Nothing. No EpiPen. Stupid Naruto. 

“I—I’m going to go look in the bathroom and the bedroom, I’ll be right back” Sasuke rushes out, throat feeling impossibly tight. Somehow, as he makes his way down the hall, he almost calls 911, but he cannot, under any circumstances, have emergency services come to his house. And that realization, that he can’t save the one person he really doesn’t want to kill anymore, well, it’s a lot. It’s heartbreaking. Sasuke didn’t even realize he had a heart left to break. 

He isn’t entirely sure how he gets there, but suddenly he finds himself in the bedroom, digging through (Naruto’s) nightstand, pulling out the lifeline about the size of a marker. A new wave of tears overtakes him. Naruto’s EpiPen. 

Next thing he knows, he’s back in the kitchen, pulling down Naruto’s sweatpants while he heaves over the sink, uncapping the EpiPen, and dramatically stabbing it into Naruto’s leg—not dissimilar from how he tried to stab his now lover with a tanto all those months ago. A horrible, sad howl escapes Naruto who collapses to the floor. His breaths are short, entire body covered in rashes and hives. Despite finally finding the EpiPen, Sasuke immediately moves to haul Naruto to the car. He can’t have emergency services come to his house, but that doesn’t mean he can’t bring Naruto to emergency services. 

His driving to the hospital can only be described as ‘manic,’ but Sasuke has (for the first time in his life) someone to save. Someone worth saving. 

The entire way, Sasuke finds himself cursing Naruto, tears welling in his eyes. “After… after everything I tried! You won’t die like this!” he manages to yell between violent sobs at Naruto’s unconscious form sprawled in the passenger seat. “If I’m going to kill you, it’s going to be on purpose, dammit!” 

The house is so lifeless now. Sasuke feels so… alone.  What is he going to do with himself now? Because being with Naruto, it was a lot of fun. They did so many things together. Nature walks, watching TV together, going to Costco together, eating ramen, dumping body parts, unintentionally planting evidence, unintentionally helping people get home, unintentionally doing bondage, unintentionally role playing… There's a lot that they didn’t really mean to do that Sasuke now desperately misses.

Naruto’s not dead or anything, no, nothing can kill the damn bastard. But he was admitted for a night or two at the hospital. Sasuke was sent home to get Naruto a change of clothes and get himself a shower, both somehow ending up pretty gross from Naruto’s anaphylactic shock. 

Which just leaves Sasuke alone, in this big, empty house, with nothing but sadness and the evidence of Naruto’s many hobbies scattered around (skis, a sailboat sail, several Kendo swords, a fins and goggles for freediving, several colorful balls of yarn and an array of crochet hooks, and a People magazine)  to keep him company until his stupid, idiot, victim of a boyfriend can come back to him where he belongs. 

Because Naruto belongs with him, doesn’t he? (Yes). 

They are so happy together, aren’t they? (Yes).

Is being in love somehow more thrilling than killing? (Yes).

Naruto loves Sasuke. (Obviously, yes). 

And Sasuke… loves Naruto… 

(Yes).

“Sas!” Naruto yells, jogging down the hospital hall despite the nurse’s protestations. There’s a big, dopey smile on his face, and it takes every ounce of Sasuke’s serial killer acting abilities to not completely break down at the sight of the love of his life being well and not puking into a sink on the brink of death. 

Naruto flings himself into Sasuke’s arms, and Sasuke catches him, engulfing the dumb blonde in a massive hug. He squeezes the other man so hard, Naruto lets out a little yelp, but doesn’t pull away from the hug. 

“Sas… are you… are you crying?” Naruto asks.

“No, no. My eyes are just leaking.” 

“Oh. You might want to get that looked at. Good thing we’re at a hospital!” 

Naruto’s stupidity is still staunchly intact and it only makes Sasuke’s eyes leak harder. 

“Don’t ever do that again,” Sasuke mutters into soft blonde locks, “you better not die on me, or else I’m going to have to kill you.”

Chapter Text

“Sas, I‘ll be gone tonight!“ Naruto yells from the other side of the house, for the fourth time within the last hour. He sounds like a broken record.

“Yes, I know,“ Sasuke responds, striving to remain calm, taking a deep breath.

Footsteps pitter-patter against the floor, announcing Naruto‘s presence in the bedroom. Sasuke forces himself to smile.

“Yeah, yeah, okay, I hear you. I‘m just saying… we haven‘t really spent a lot of nights apart since we started dating and I don‘t want you to feel left out or as though I don‘t want you there or I want to spend time with them more than with you because I don‘t and…“

Sasuke sighs, stopping Naruto‘s rambles with gentle hands cupping stubbly cheeks. He hasn‘t shaved yet and Sasuke finds he likes the feeling of it.

“Breathe, Naruto. I know. You can have a fun night out with your friends. I will be here when you come back home—or need me to pick you up. Alright?“

Naruto takes a deep breath, blowing it out as a raspberry. “Okay.“

Sasuke sends him to get ready for his get-together two hours later, cheeks still hurting from laughing at his own reluctant attempts at reassuring Naruto and already planning what to do while Naruto is gone.

It‘s fine.

Sasuke takes Naruto into his arms for about ten minutes before his (boyfriend? They are in boyfriend territory now, right?) leaves the house and it‘s fine.

Naruto comes back, a little tipsy and giggly and it‘s fine.

He starts talking about the new guy and his amazing dancing skills and how funny he is and it’s decidedly not fine .

The worst part is that it‘s not the last time. 

This guy keeps sticking around, taking up Naruto‘s time once a week and Sasuke should love that, has been loving that because it provides him with all the time he could need to polish weapons and clean the house, acquire new victims, learn their routines and habits and arrange them in neat little journals (Naruto gifted him a few when he realized Sasuke spent hours in Excel, building charts and spreadsheets and what not).

Everything a good serial killer needs.

Nowadays, he needs colourful journals and gel markers.

Case in point (point in case, what the hell?), he hates it. Because while Sasuke gets his shit done, Naruto meets this man and this man is irritating Sasuke to no end.

He‘s funny.

He‘s kind.

He loves dogs.

He wants to go to concerts with Naruto.

He shares his love for running.

He‘s all around so much more perfect for Sasuke‘s golden retriever puppy dog eyed boyfriend that it has Sasuke aggressively stuffing the pillow into the freshly laundered pillowcase in utter frustration.

“Dang,“ Naruto says, standing in the doorway and blinking rapidly, “You don‘t look good, Sas. Your eyes are so dark! I mean, they always are but right now? You look like you’re considering murder.“

If only he knew how right he is.

Two weeks later Naruto meets this Kiba person for the last time and Sasuke‘s freezers gain a few new body parts.

Coincidentally it‘s also the day Naruto finally brings home a dog. It‘s temporary but it makes one thing clear for Sasuke.

He loves killing and he‘s good at it, fantastic even.

He loves it even more when it ensures his stupid sunshine idiot stays exactly that.

His .