Chapter Text
Even thinks he could get used to this: waking up with Isak in his bed.
On this second morning he gets to see him the moment he opens his eyes, he once again finds Isak sleeping soundly next to him. But it’s no accident this time, not Isak failing to wake up with the first light like he said he always does. He’s still here because he said he would, because he chose to.
Even admires the way the golden morning light washes over his body; a warm glow kissing his skin everywhere it isn’t covered by the duvet. He wishes he could paint him, keep this image of Isak forever — soft, tranquil, ethereal.
Yes, this is something he could get used to, and as he thinks back on the night before, Even begins to believe that maybe this is something he could get to have. That maybe this is something Isak could want as well.
He remembers Mikael’s words when he doubted Isak wanted anything more from him than a hook-up: “He’s still here.”
He was last night, and he’s still here this morning.
There’s the fact that Isak needs to go back to Trondheim soon. But maybe that doesn’t have to mean the end of what developed between them this weekend.
Isak shifts on the mattress and groans a little as he opens one eye, meeting Even’s gaze, before closing it again. The duvet rustles as he moves closer to nestle against Even’s side, burying his face in the crook of his neck. Isak’s body is soft and warm against his own, the stubble on his cheeks a rough contrast where it scratches the sensitive skin of his neck. Isak must notice how the scrape of his unshaved jaw is making Even shiver, goosebumps erupting on his skin, because he then nuzzles his neck with more insistence before soothing it with lazy kisses.
He slides one leg between Even’s own, gently presses his thigh against his crotch and Even can feel Isak’s lips on his neck stretch into a smile.
“You’re hard,” he mumbles in lieu of a “good morning”.
"I’ve got you in my bed looking all fucking hot, what d'you expect?"
The vibrations of Isak’s laugh travel all the way down his spine. He presses his lips to Even’s neck, leaves a trail of kisses down his neck, across his shoulders and in the dip between his collarbones. Isak then looks up at him, a mischievous and hungry glimmer in his now wide open eyes.
Continuing his path down, Isak soon disappears under the duvet hugging Even’s hips, nothing but a few of the messy curls at the top of his head poking out when he takes Even in his mouth.
“Fuuuck, yes!” Even moans, reaching under the covers to wrap one hand around the back of Isak’s neck while the other fists at the sheet above his head.
Isak’s blowjob is slow and a little messy, his lips probably still slightly numb with sleep. But they stretch just right around Even’s cock and, combined with the heat of his mouth and the delicious pressure of his tongue, Even feels like he might be in Heaven.
“Isak, Isak…” he whimpers as he feels himself getting close, burying his fingers in Isak’s hair, holding tight.
Isak moans at that, his lips vibrating around Even’s cock and sucks harder. Even can see his hips moving under the duvet and he wonders if Isak is getting off like that, grinding against the mattress, high on making him feel good. The thought is enough to make him lose control; his whole body tenses and he cries out at the ceiling as he shoots into Isak’s mouth.
He feels Isak’s body stutter between his legs, his teeth digging into the flesh of his right thigh followed by a warm spurt against his skin.
“Holy shit,” he pants, lifting the duvet to look down at Isak who smiles at him, lips red and shiny with his own spit and Even’s cum, cheeks adorably flushed. “Good morning,” he chuckles.
Isak wipes his mouth with the back of his hand before crawling back up to kiss him, Even’s own taste heavy on his tongue. “Morning,” he greets back, then crunches his nose. “It already stinks under there.”
“You stink.”
“Wow,” Isak huffs out. “That was a weak comeback. What are you, twelve?”
“I think you sucked the smart out of me.”
“That good, huh?”
“Mmmh…” Even kisses him to wipe that smug, little smile off his lips. And then kisses him again, just because he wants to.
“I'm sorry, I came all over your clean sheets.”
“You’re gonna cost me a fuck ton in laundry.”
It’s silly, but Even’s chest warms up at the thought that Isak noticed, that he paid enough attention to see that the bedding was different from the one they slept in on their first night together — another shade of blue.
“Couldn’t help myself with these noises you made.”
“That hot, huh?”
And maybe Isak thinks his smile is a little too proud as well, or maybe he just wants to, but he leans down to kiss him all the same.
After more lazy making out, they eventually get up and leave the comfort and warmth of Even’s bed. He gets dressed in some sweats and a tee shirt while Isak grabs his clothes and heads to the bathroom to take a shower.
As he stands in his kitchen, Even hears the distant rumble of water running coming from the other side of the apartment, his skin shivering at the thought of Isak standing naked under the showerhead, water running down his body. He smiles to himself at the thought that having Isak lingering here in the morning is just as good as he imagined it would be. No — so much better.
He fills the kettle with water and rummages through the cupboard for some coffee, sweeping aside his regular morning coffee for the beans he bought at Fuglen earlier that week as a little treat for himself.
Isak pads into the kitchen just as the aroma of the fresh coffee begins to fill the room, his lovely curls all damp and his skin rosy from the shower. He joins Even and accepts the steaming cup he’s holding out for him with a grateful smile. Closing his eyes with the first sip, he hums and murmurs a content, “thank you”.
They drink their coffee in comfortable silence, leaning against the kitchen counter, arms brushing every time one of them brings his cup to his lips. Their socked toes meet and Even is unable to say which one of them moved a little closer.
“So…” Isak puts his empty cup on the counter before turning back to Even, his gaze a little less bright than before and his lips twisted in a small pout.
“So?” Even raises his eyebrows when Isak doesn’t finish his thought, knowing perfectly he doesn’t really want to hear it.
“I think I should get going,” Isak announces, slightly scrunching his nose like he didn’t want to say it either.
Even pushes himself off the counter and steps in front of Isak. “Really?” He tilts his head to the side, moving closer until he has him crowded against the counter, his hands on both sides of Isak’s hips.
“Yes,” Isak huffs, rolling his eyes at Even’s scheme to hold him back a little longer but not making a single move to break free. “My flight back to Trondheim is later this afternoon, I need to get ready. Pack my suitcase and all that.”
Even hums in response and leans in to press kisses against Isak’s neck, who weakly squirms between his arms and breathes out a low “Even…”, way too soft for the protestation it was surely meant to be.
“Eskild’s waiting for me,” he continues between kisses. “He wants us to spend some more time together before I leave. So…”
Even pulls back, noticing how Isak imperceptibly follows him before leaning back against the counter. “So you should get going.”
“Yeah.”
“Okay.” He takes a couple steps back, frees Isak who still doesn’t make a move to go away. “I’ll walk you out.”
Isak gives him a curt nod and follows him to the front door of the apartment, where they stand, silent and slightly awkward for a moment before a shared small laugh lightens the atmosphere.
“Thank you for this weekend.” Isak smiles. “It was, um… it was fun. I had a great time.”
“Me too.”
“Okay, I’m gonna…” He points to the door.
“Hold on a sec.” Even fishes his phone out of his pocket and opens up a new contact. “Here, give me you number, maybe we could–”
“No.”
“What?” Even asks dumbly, a little stunned by Isak’s abrupt answer.
“No,” Isak repeats, his voice slightly softer but the word sounding no less harsh. “I’m not gonna give you my number. Or take yours. I don’t think we should stay in touch.”
“Why not?” Even shakes his head, confused at Isak’s dismissal when just a minute ago, he seemed to be feeling so good in his arms, when he seemed so reluctant to leave.
“Listen,” Isak sighs and Even can’t say which one of the two of them he seems to be more frustrated with. “I just think it’s better this way. What we had this weekend was really great, but I think it should stay just this, you know? This perfect, little 48 hour bubble we can think back on and that’ll never get ruined by an attempt at… something more.”
“You mean a relationship?”
“Yes.”
Even didn’t really acknowledge this is what he wanted from Isak when he asked him for his number, when he asked that they stayed in touch. Or maybe he didn’t want to admit it to himself because, yes, it’s probably rushed to want this from him. But as he says the word he realises that this is exactly what he wants. He wants to be with Isak, only him. Even though they only just met, even though he’s about to put 400 kilometres between them and hasn’t even told him when he’s coming back next time. If he’s coming back.
But Isak knew what he meant; what he wants from him, and Even can feel the stab of the instant rejection deep in his chest.
“Would it really be so bad?”
“Eventually, yes,” Isak answers with certainty. “It’s all nice and fun at first, but then it turns messy and people just hurt each other. I don’t want that.”
Even wants to tell him that he’s wrong, that whatever relationships he’s been in or seen around him are not all there is. That they are not just pain and heartbreak and people tearing each other apart. But how can he do that when he’s barely out of a relationship that has been a perfect example of everything Isak is scared of? When every single time he and Sonja have tried again it has ended up with them hurting each other over and over again until they couldn’t go on?
“Don’t you think we could make it work?”
“How, Even?” Isak shakes his head. “We don’t even live in the same city and it’s way too early to try the long distance thing. I mean, we barely know each other. And from what we do know… I think we’re just too different for this to work. You’re this big romantic, I’m not. You’re super tidy, you immediately changed the sheets after we fucked that first night, when, honestly, I don’t even remember the last time I did that. Mine probably have hair and traces of cum from like three different guys on them. You work with kids, I can’t stand kids! You–”
“Jesus, dude!” Even cuts off his rant, having no desire to hear all the reasons Isak can think of as to why they shouldn’t be together. "I'm not asking you to move in and do my laundry or… or to have a kid with me, what the fuck! I’m only asking that we give this a shot. See if it can be… something."
“I know. All I’m saying is… we’re too different.”
“So?”
"We'd end up fighting all the time."
"You don't fucking know that!"
"We're doing it right now!!"
“We’re not–” Even sighs. He almost wants to laugh at the absurdity of the situation they ended up in — yes, fighting like the old couple Isak never wanted to become in the first place.
“This weekend was really amazing, let’s not spoil it.” Isak breaks the awkward and heavy silence. “Don’t ask me to make you promises I won't keep, cause then you'll resent me and I’ll feel like shit and… and this will turn fucking ugly. This was all I could give you, I never wanted more than that.”
“Yeah, I know. Just to fuck some stranger to keep you warm, right?” Even can see how Isak flinches at the words he spits at him, but he’s hurt and can’t bring himself to really feel sorry for it.
“I never led you on.”
Even scoffs but he has to acknowledge that this is true. Isak has been very clear from the start about what he wanted this to be, what he wanted from Even. He’s told him that he didn’t want a relationship, that he would never want the nice couple life his mother so desperately wishes for him.
This whole weekend was way more than just sex, and he’s sure Isak also felt that something happened between them. That something clicked.
But he still only called the two of them strangers after all.
Strangers who could talk to each other for entire nights, open up about the most painful moments of their lives, but also make each other laugh like crazy and have the most amazing sex, yes.
But still.
Strangers.
“Is it enough, though?” Even asks.
“It is for me.”
Even only nods in acknowledgement, no words seeming adequate after what they have just told each other. After the finality of Isak’s answer.
Not even “goodbye”.
So he only watches as Isak opens the door, gets out of his apartment and closes it again behind him.
Everything falls silent and Even just stands there right in the middle of the void Isak left behind him.
When his phone buzzes in his hand, Even is seized for a second by the foolish hope that it is Isak calling him to tell him that he made a mistake and he’s coming back. But of course it can’t be, Isak refused to take his number or to give him any means to contact him.
He looks at his phone and sees Mikael’s name on the screen, over a picture of his best friend shooting his brightest smile at him. Letting out a long sigh, Even takes the call. “Hey Mik,” he tries to be casual but can hear that it doesn’t sound quite right.
“Hey man, you're okay?” Mikael asks, unsurprisingly picking up the weariness in his voice.
“Not really,” Even answers because he just can’t lie to him.
“What's wrong?”
“I think I just broke up with my rebound.”
Mikael huffs out a laugh and Even can’t exactly be mad at him because it does sound objectively ridiculous when you say it like that, but he seems to feel the weight of the silence that follows. “What?” He asks, sounding slightly confused.
“Fuck!” Even groans. “I’m so stupid.”
“Wanna tell me what happened?”
Even fills him in on what happened with Isak since they left Oskar’s party. About wandering around in Grønland and jumping in the freezing fjord just because Isak wanted to give him a little taste of the Russ challenges experience; about going back to his place and falling asleep together with the promise that Isak would be there the next day; about the blooming hope of the two of them becoming something more than a prolonged one-night stand and how it was crushed by Isak’s categorical refusal.
“Did I make a complete fool of myself?”
“No man,” Mikael tries to reassure him. “I mean, I don’t know the guy but, from what I’ve seen he seemed really into you.”
“Yeah, well… maybe he was, but as usual I just couldn’t keep my fucking chill and I scared him off. Why do I always have to be too much? Come on too strong?”
“Oh come on,” Mikael eases him. “It’s not like you asked the guy to marry you. You didn’t ask him to marry you, right?”
“Of course I didn’t! I just thought we could be really good together…”
“Are you…”
“What?”
"Are you in love with him?"
"Come on, Mik,” Even scoffs. “We barely know each other."
"Not what I asked."
“I–” He sighs. “I don’t know. I don’t– You know what? Maybe, yeah. Maybe I did fall for him but that’s not fucking normal, is it? It’s completely crazy to fall for someone and try to pressure them into going long distance when we’ve just met not even two days before. That doesn’t make any fucking sense. What if I’m–”
“No,” Mikael cuts him off bluntly, the word resounding sharp and final through the phone. “You shut the fuck up right now.”
“Excuse me?”
“I don’t want to fucking hear this,” he tells hims off. “This is exactly the kind of shit Sonja used to say and it’s one of the reasons you guys broke up, remember? There’s nothing wrong with you, man. You’re allowed to feel stuff. You’re allowed to feel too much, and you’re allowed to get carried away. Not everything has to be a symptom. So you believe in grand fucking romance and you want to fall in love and be with someone again? Great! This guy just wasn’t on the same page, that’s all…”
“What if this is just too much to handle? What if I’m too much to handle for anyone other than her?”
“Bullshit. I’ve been handling your sorry ass since we were fifteen and I’m still here, aren’t I?”
“Yeah, you are… thank you, Mik.”
“Don’t need to thank me. And stop believing that being around you is some terrible hardship. It’s really not. Okay?”
“Okay,” Even answers, because Mikael doesn’t give him much of a choice, and well, also because he might want to try to believe him.
“Cool. So, good luck being reunited with your little rascals tomorrow and… let’s meet up later this week, yeah?”
“Sure, sounds good.”
“Alright, see ya. Love you, bro.”
“You too.”
Even tries to put what happened with Isak behind him and move on. He figures Mikael was probably right, maybe he’s just ready for something new, for something real. Maybe he just wants to fall in love again. Maybe random hookups and one-night stands are not for him and he should try dating, meeting new people who are looking for the same thing as him.
He downloads Tinder but deletes it after a few days, feeling like the biggest asshole swiping left and right on people. He goes on a couple of blind dates with friends of friends who assure him that “She’s perfect for you” or “You two have so much in common!” But it only leads to stilted conversations and awkward goodbyes, neither Even nor his dates daring to be the one acknowledging that it didn’t work out and that there won’t be a second time.
Then, he meets Liv again at another house party.
She’s slightly more distant than usual at first, and he doesn’t hold it against her considering what happened the last time they saw each other. How he unabashedly flirted with her only for Isak to sweep in and make her understand that Even was his that night.
But as the party goes on, after a few drinks and some shared laughs during conversations with their common friends, she seems to warm up to him again little by little. Isak’s invisible presence between them slowly melts away, making way for the magnetic pull that’s always drawn them to each other.
As the party gets more and more crowded, they eventually end up almost pressed against each other in a corner of the living room, the blasting music and loud voices an excuse to lean close just to be able to hear each other.
Liv leans against the wall, her body slightly swaying in a mix of flirty and tipsy. She looks up at Even, all glimmering doe eyes and batting eyelashes, coyly biting her lower lip.
“So, when are you finally gonna take me out?” She asks, her mouth pouting in playful exasperation. “I’m kinda sick of us always meeting with everyone around.”
“Oh, you want me to take you out?”
The way she rolls her eyes at him hits Even with a pang of longing. He tries to shake it off, taking a swig of his drink to drown the memories of flirting with somebody else .
“Alright,” he says, licking a drop of beer off his lip. “I’ll take you out.”
“Cool.” She beams. “It’s a date.”
They have their first date in a café the following week, both of them having too many things already planned on evenings and the next weekend. It feels like a safe first step, a simple coffee and pastry during the day when they don’t need to playact too much and can actually get to know each other without their friends around or loud music playing.
It’s a little awkward at first, meeting just the two of them for the first time in such a different setting than they usually do; finally going on this first date they didn’t really think would ever happen after gravitating toward each other forever. But as they talk, they find out that they actually do click.
They get gradually more comfortable and discover that they have a lot in common. In the end, they chat non stop until the young barista gingerly asks them to leave so she can close up.
Again, it feels easy, and it feels good.
They say goodbye in front of the café with a promise to “do this again soo,”, and as Even leans in to press a kiss on Liv’s cheek, he feels pretty hopeful about this. About their next date, where this could go.
Everything works with Liv. Everything makes sense.
So when they meet for their second date, Even is feeling confident.
They have dinner at a restaurant, just nice enough that they both make an effort, dressing to impress a little, while also being warm and laid back. The food is good and the bottle of wine they share makes their cheeks flush and their tongues a little looser. They flirt, Even makes jokes and Liv laughs at all the right moments. But he cannot help the fleeting, unwelcome thought that the ringing of her laugh doesn’t make his heart flutter the way Isak’s did when it turned into a high pitched giggle.
When their dinner is over, they go to this new bar Liv wanted to try out in Sentrum with a big rooftop overlooking the city; and have another drink watching the sun set over Oslo. As he gazes over at the golden evening light glimmering on the fjord, Even feels his skin shiver with the memory of diving in the water on a cool April night and kissing the cold off trembling bluish lips.
Even walks Liv home and gallantly wraps his arm around her shoulders when she remarks that the night is getting a little chilly. Her body slots perfectly in place against his, their step finding a synced rhythm as they walk towards her home.
They stop in front of her apartment building and this time, when Even leans in, she doesn’t let him give her a kiss on the cheek but pulls him to her mouth. Her lips are soft against his own, the taste of her tongue heady. Her arms find their way around his neck, his hands on the curve of her waist.
When they detach their lips and Liv looks up at him, all dark gaze behind her long lashes and asks, “Wanna come up?”, Even knows that he should want that.
Liv looks beautiful, her hands are warm on his skin and her kisses feel good. It would be so easy to say yes and follow her home, to have what would probably be great sex with her if they are as compatible in bed as they seem to be altogether.
But he couldn’t give her more than that and he knows a one-night stand is not what she wants from him, not what they both expected from this. He should want it. It all makes sense. But deep down it doesn’t feel right.
Not when someone else has been in his thoughts all night.
He tucks a lock of hair behind her ear, avoiding her expectant gaze and, even if he knows it’s a lie, answers: “maybe next time.”
He feels like the biggest coward but he can’t tell her that there won’t be a next time. He can’t tell her that now, not when her lips are still red from the kisses they shared and her eyes lit with a hopeful spark he’s not feeling brave enough to put out.
“Fine,” she sighs, pouting her lips prettily to show her disappointment. “Next time, then.”
They exchange “goodnights” and a final kiss that leaves a bitter taste on Even’s lips.
He watches Liv walk into the building and wave at him before closing the front door behind her.
As he walks all the way back home, Even begins to search for the best, or at least less hurtful, way to tell her that this is not gonna work the next time they talk.
He doesn’t mean to lie to her, but he can’t tell her that he can’t get over someone he was only supposed to spend one night with. That he’s the one he was thinking about when they kissed, when they touched, when she playfully rolled her eyes at him. That he can’t be with anyone else right now, even if he knows he’ll never be with him either.
Eventually, Even stops trying to meet someone new. He avoids insistent looks and flirty smiles when he goes out in bars or to parties, and declines Mikael’s proposition to go on a double date with him, the girl he’s started seeing, and a friend of hers.
He’s fine with it. With accepting that maybe he needs to be alone for a while because he’s not quite sure what he’s looking for, what he wants; while somehow knowing no one would be right for him anyway.
He’s fine with being alone. Mostly.
But sometimes, it does feel lonely.
On a Friday night, Even is going home from work, knowing that nothing awaits him apart from his still empty apartment and maybe a movie night with leftovers from last night because he’s tired and doesn’t feel like cooking.
On his way home, he sees couples and groups of friends sitting outside bars and cafés in the late May sun, or coming in and out of Vinmonopolet to get the drinks they need for their weekend dinners and parties.
Oslo is buzzing with the excitement of the weekend just starting and Even feels completely left out of it. Today, he feels lonely.
“Even?” A voice he hasn’t heard in a long time pulls him out of his musings and stops him in his tracks.
“Sonja, hi!”
They haven’t seen each other again since their break-up, Even voluntarily avoiding the places where he knew he would be most likely to run into her. Seeing her surprised look, he wonders if she has been doing the same.
They stand in front of each other awkwardly, neither of them knowing how they are supposed to greet each other now, when all they used to know was a kiss on the other’s lips. They eventually go for a quick hug, followed by nervous laughs.
“So, um… how have you been doing?”
“Great! I’ve been really great,” Sonja exclaims in one of her bright smiles he used to love so much.
She does seem to be doing good, her face is glowing, a light blush on her cheeks maybe caused by their surprise meeting. Her hair is longer than the last time he saw her; she never let it grow that long before, but it seems that she’s trying something new, and it suits her. She’s wearing a fluffy, white sweater over a long, flowery dress. She’s really pretty, Even thinks as she looks at him and smiles.
“How about you?”
“Yeah, good.” He nods, clearing his throat.
They tell each other about what they’ve been up to, about work and the friends each of them have stopped seeing since they broke up; of course they both avoid asking any question about the other’s love life.
“Where were you heading?” Sonja asks. “Got any fun plans tonight?”
“Nah, just going home. I’m gonna have a chill night, I think.”
“Okay.” She looks away, seeming to debate something for a second before turning back to him. “Do you want to maybe have dinner together? I mean, I’ve bought take out from that sushi place,” she says, holding up the brown paper bag she’s been carrying. “And you know how I always order too much. That way we can continue to catch up, it’d be nicer than to do that here in the middle of the street,” she chuckles.
“Um…”
“Sorry, it’s a silly idea, you probably–”
“No, it’s not,” Even answers, just because he doesn’t want her to feel uncomfortable. It doesn’t seem like a good idea, no, but he still doesn’t find any good reason to refuse. “Sure, sounds good.”
“Good.” She smiles. “I live just down the road over there now.”
Even follows her to the apartment building where she’s moved in after leaving the apartment they used to share. The moment he steps into this new, unknown place, he’s hit by the strange feeling of coming back to a time and a place he knows intimately.
They take their shoes off by the front door, Sonja naturally putting a hand on his arm to keep her balance. When they walk into the living room, Even finds himself surrounded by what used to be their furniture, their posters and plants, their fairy lights hanging from the ceiling. She invites him to make himself comfortable while she gets the food ready. Even plops down on their old sofa, instinctively sitting on the right side like he always used to.
“I have some white wine left in the fridge, d’you want a glass?” Sonja asks from the kitchen.
“Sure, thanks.”
She comes back with one big plate filled with sushi in one hand, an almost full bottle of wine and two glasses in the other, her hair now tied up in a messy bun. She puts everything on the coffee table and, as she fills the glasses, Even registers something, a light smell spreading in the air. He closes his eyes, inhales, and recognises it: orange blossom, the sweet aroma of Sonja’s favourite scented candle. The smell of their old home.
As he opens his eyes again and takes in this place filled with the objects that used to make up their life together, surrounded by this familiar perfume, Even feels a little breathless.
He takes a sip of wine to hide his turmoil, welcoming the comforting warmth of the alcohol in his stomach.
They eat and drink, conversation flowing easily, laughs ringing louder as the bottle of wine empties. It all feels so safely familiar; and as Even basks in the sound of Sonja’s giggles and the smell of orange blossom, as he sinks deeper in the sofa and watches her blush after locking gazes for a second too long before coily fixing an unruly lock of hair fallen from her bun, Even wonders if this is not where he’s supposed to be. He wonders if he didn’t delude himself thinking that he and Sonja were done for good this time, and that he could find someone else who would be better for him. Someone who would understand and love him better than Sonja ever did.
He wonders if they shouldn't try again, be together once again. Maybe forever this time.
They’re facing each other, heads resting on the backrest of the couch and as he looks into Sonja’s eyes, Even believes he can read the same questions there.
He’s probably right, because by the time he’s come out of his musings, Sonja’s lips are pressed against his own. They instantly fall back into the choreography they have performed a thousand times before, the one they have perfected over the years; kissing, holding, stroking just the way they know the other likes it.
They hurriedly get half undressed; Even still in his tee-shirt, Sonja’s long dress pulled up around her waist as they fuck right there on the couch before either of them has the presence of mind to protest that this is a terrible idea.
It is, though.
It feels passionless and empty — final.
When they’re done, it’s a game of avoidance, Sonja nervously smoothing the fabric of her dress over her thighs as Even puts his jeans back on.
“It’s really over this time, huh?” Sonja breaks the silence, sniffing away tears Even can hear in her voice.
“Yeah… I think it is.”
“I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have–” She stops, unable to hold back a sob this time.
“No, don’t be.” Even wants to reach out but he’s not sure his touch would be very comforting after the mistake they’ve just made. “This is not your fault. I’m just as responsible as you are. We’ve both…”
“I’ve been doing so well, you know?” She wipes tears off her cheeks and finally looks back at him. “I’m happy, I really am. But sometimes… I don’t know, I was just feeling so lonely all of a sudden, and then you were there and–” She hides her face behind her hands when it starts to contort with sadness. “Fuck, I’m so sorry.”
This time, Even takes her in his arms and it seems to be what Sonja needed, her body slightly relaxing against his own as he softly shushes her. “It’s okay, it’s okay,” he reassures her. “We’re okay.”
She pulls away from his hold, her eyes still brimming with tears but lit with a hint of something hopeful. “Yeah?”
“Yes.”
“How–” She sniffles again. “How have you been doing since… Are you okay?”
“I think I am, yeah.”
It’s not completely true, not yet. But Even feels that he could be, now that he knows what he has to let go.
They say goodbye by the front door with a tight hug.
“You know I love you, right?” Sonja says as they detach from each other’s embrace. “I mean, not love you love you, but, you know…”
“I know,” he chuckles. “I love you too, Son.”
As he walks home to his apartment, Even pulls out his phone to text Mikael.
*
Even
I was thinking of going to IKEA next week to get some stuff for my place
Wanna come with me pleeeaase?
Hotdogs are on me
Mik
One: about time
Two: how dare you try to bribe your bff?
Fine, I’ll come but only because I know you can’t do any lifting with those skinny arms of yours
Even
Thank you
You’re the best <3
Mik
Whatever <3
*
Even puts his phone back in his pocket, a smile on his lips as reaches his apartment building.
Yes, he’s going to be okay.
Weeks pass and Even is feeling good.
He’s finally built a real home out of his apartment, a warm place that looks like him: mismatched pieces of furniture, walls covered in film posters and sketches he’s made next to drawings gifted to him by his pupils.
School days are filled with games with the kids as they get closer to summer vacations and coffee breaks in the sun with Elise and Karim.
On the last day, the three of them go out for drinks to celebrate. They have beers at a bar near the school and later as they’re eating pizza, Elise announces that she feels like going dancing.
Even shrugs when she proposes the name of a club, he has no idea which one it is but doesn’t really care as long as drinks are not too expensive and the music not too bad.
When they get there, though, he instantly recognises the place.
The mirror ball is still sending sparkling lights to every corner of the club, but tonight the neon lights are a colder hue of green and blue. The air is still as hot and the floor as sticky with spilled drinks as the last time they were here, and Even catches himself instinctively scanning the crowd for golden curly hair, a black tee-shirt with the sleeves rolled up, a cheeky smile.
He realises then that he hadn’t thought too much about Isak lately.
The first few weeks, Isak was all he could think about. Even replayed their weekend together in his mind again and again — every kiss, every laugh, every moan. He replayed their last conversation a thousand times, thinking about what he should have done and what he shouldn’t have said; desperately trying to come up with the scenario in which Isak wouldn’t have left this way.
The pain left by his absence eventually subsided until Even could confidently tell himself that he had moved on.
He could persuade himself that it had been nothing more than a true connection he got slightly too obsessive about and that this obsession had finally faded away.
But as he stand there in the club, it all comes back to him in full force: seeing Isak at the bar, flirting with him after some quiet contemplation, all these lingering looks shared from their respective corner of the room before they finally met on the dancefloor; dancing with him, Isak’s body pressed against him, his skin, the touch of his lips, Isak’s unabashed hurry to leave and be alone with him.
And suddenly, Isak’s absence becomes unbearable again, the wound it left in Even’s chest splitting wide open again.
“You okay?” Karim puts his hand on his shoulder when Even must have stood still a little too long.
“Yeah,” he shakes himself out of his memories. “I’m fine, just… a lot of people I guess.”
“Come on, first round’s on me.”
Even and Elise find a free table while Karim goes to the bar. They have a toast to the start of summer vacation and as soon as they have finished their drinks, Elise leaves them to join the dance floor.
“Another one?” Even asks, pointing at Karim’s empty glass.
“Yeah, thanks.”
Even makes his way through the crowd to reach the bar. When he gets there, he leans his elbows on the counter and tries to not let the memory of Isak in this same position, almost at this exact same spot overwhelm him. He gestures to get the waiter’s attention and remembers Isak’s annoyance when the guy working behind the bar that night ignored him for two girls who arrived after him; a show of the grumpiness Even came to find so endearing.
He finally manages to place his order and waits as the waiter busies himself behind the counter. Even mindlessly looks over when the two people next to him leave with their drinks and pauses when he sees the guy standing a little further away at the bar. He’s sure he’s seen him before, but can’t quite place where or when.
One of the waiters comes up to the guy and hands him a ridiculously big glass of something that is half drink half fruit-basket, filled with a liquid of a colour that looks barely drinkable. The guy’s eyes sparkle with delight when he reaches for his decadent cocktail and that’s when Even finally recognises him. He recognizes the exact same enchanted look he had on his face a few months ago in this very same club, when Isak brought him a sex on the beach adorned with a little pink paper umbrella.
Even watches him as he detaches a small strawberry from the rim of the glass and pops it in his mouth before pursing his lips around the straw; shimmying and bobbing his head to the rhythm of the music as he looks around at the crowd.
He stills when he meets Even’s gaze, cocking a flirty eyebrow at him when Even doesn’t look away. He ostensibly checks him out and decides to come closer.
“Hello, gorgeous,” he says, leaning against the counter in a seductive contrapposto.
“Hi.” Even smiles. “You're Eskild, right?”
“Do we know each other?” Eskild squints at him. “I think I’d definitely remember if we'd met before.”
“No I’m… I’m a friend of Isak’s. Or not a friend, exactly… we met here back in April. I’m Even.”
“Oooh!” Eskild’s face lights up when he understands who Even is despite his awkward rambling. “So you’re the guy Isak abandoned me for the whole weekend of his Easter break?”
“Yeah, that would be me,” Even chuckles. “Sorry.”
“Don't be. I can see why.” Eskilds all but purrs, letting his gaze run up and down Even’s body, brazenly enough to make his cheek flush.
“How is he? Isak. I don’t mean to pry or anything, I just…” Even looks down, avoiding Eskild’s amused gaze. “...wondered how he’s doing.”
“He’s okay.” The softness in Eskild’s voice encourages Even to look back at him. His gaze has lost its teasing spark, and the smile he gives Even is nothing but earnest, like he has felt his embarrassment and decided to quit playing with him.
“He’s got a lot of work right now, poor thing,” Eskild continues. “With his masters thesis and all that… Couldn’t tell you what it’s about, something to do with cellular physiology, I think? He tried to explain it to me a few times but, yeah… anyway, he’s approaching the home stretch so, I’m lucky if I get an answer to my texts these days.”
Even remembers the string of texts Eskild sent Isak that night when he didn’t find him home; Isak’s exasperation at his friend’s relentless investment in his personal life, but also the tenderness in his eyes when he told Even how Eskild had always taken care of him, made sure that he was safe.
“I keep reminding him to rest a little, take care of himself, but…” Eskild huffs out a small laugh, shaking his head at the mention of Isak’s stubbornness. “He doesn’t always know what’s good for him, this one. Or allow himself to have it. But he’s doing good.”
“Cool, I’m… I’m really glad to hear that.” Even smiles, swallowing back the hundred more questions he would want to ask Eskild about Isak now that they have started to talk about him. He has absolutely no business asking them, and Eskild was already kind enough to give him what he did. “Thanks. I’m sorry if that was weird.”
“Not at all.” Eskild looks at him intently, tilting his head to the side like he’s studying him, like there’s an enigma there for him to solve.
Even grabs the drinks that have been waiting for him on the counter, feeling the urge to walk away before Eskild can peek too deep inside of him. “Have a good night.”
“You too. Take care, handsome.”
Even walks away, hoping Eskild didn’t notice how the glasses tremble in his hands.
After meeting Eskild at that club, Isak is once again all Even can think about.
The feeling of being close to him by proxy, through one of the people who knows him best and loves him the most made him miss Isak terribly all over again.
When the next weekend comes, he thinks about going back to that club in case Eskild is there again and ask him more about Isak, maybe even ask him to pass a message to him.
He also considers trying to find Isak on Facebook or Instagram or just find anything about him online with the very little he knows about him: his name is Isak, he’s from Oslo, went to Nissen vgs and now studies biophysics at NTNU. Surely that must be enough to track him down?
Of course he doesn’t do any of that, because it would be creepy and way out of line, but also because it would be completely useless anyway. Isak doesn’t want him; he made that perfectly clear the day he left Even’s apartment. Stalking him or his friend would definitely only reinforce his decision to stay away from him. And he would be right.
Even has no choice but to wait until the moment he can safely say that he’s forgotten about it all and really moved on this time. Hoping that each new day will finally be the one when he misses Isak a little less, when simple things like seeing people dive in the fjord from Sørenga’s jetty or waiting in line outside a kebab place in the middle of the night after a party won’t cause his heart to clench painfully.
Today is not that day, Even thinks as he gets up from his seat at the back of the tram to get off, remembering how he and Isak had sat there that first night, so lost in each other they almost missed his stop.
He opens the front door of his building and holds it open for his neighbour, Ms. Haugen, who is heading out right when he gets there. They exchange polite greetings before he steps inside and closes the heavy door behind him.
The scene in front of him in the lobby makes him freeze in his tracks.
Isak is there. He’s sitting on one of the first steps of the staircase, his head resting against the wall as he scrolls on his phone, unaware of Even’s silent presence. For a moment, Even thinks this might be a mirage, a hallucination caused by near-constant thinking about Isak, or a dream he’s about to wake up from. If it is a dream, he hopes he won’t reopen his eyes just yet.
“Hi.”
Isak startles when Even’s voice resonates through the silence of the lobby. He jumps to his feet and looks back at him, eyes wide in surprise.
“Um… hi.”
Even nervously bites his lower lip, a sharp pain pulsing from where his skin is chapped. The sting feels very real, reminding him that he is wide awake.
“What are you doing here?” He asks after a moment of silently standing face to face from opposite sides of the hallway.
“I tried buzzing but you weren’t there… but one of your neighbours let me in,” Isak answers, as if this could possibly be enough of an explanation for his presence here. Even doesn’t respond, holding Isak’s hesitant gaze as he waits for him to say more. “I’m back in Oslo and I, um… I wanted to see you.”
“Need someone to keep you warm while you’re here?”
Even knows he sounds harsh, but he can’t let himself hope that Isak came back to him with anything more in mind than what he was willing to give him before. He doesn’t mean to rebuff him, but he needs to know exactly what Isak wants from him before he can let his guards down and take a single step closer.
“No, I just–” Isak shakes his head, an almost pleading look in his eyes. “I really wanted to see you. I…”
He stops talking when another neighbour enters the building, throwing curious looks at them as he walks across the lobby and gets around Isak to take the stairs.
“Yes?”
Isak gapes, seeming not daring to say more as long as they are not alone. He follows Even’s neighbour walking up the staircase with his gaze until he deems him out of earshot and looks back at Even. “I missed you,” he confesses in a shaky exhale.
Even stays silent, too stunned by Isak’s confession, questions whirling in his head about what it really means. As seconds pass and the silence between them turns heavier, Even can see Isak’s face fall, his gaze filling with sadness and embarrassment before the coldness of his reaction.
“I missed you too,” he then hurries to answer, because he can’t stand to have Isak believe he doesn’t share his sentiment. That he hasn’t been thinking of him, pining for him; he can’t have him believe that right now, his heart is not pounding hard against his ribcage just at the sight of him, that he doesn’t breathe a little easier now that he’s near him.
Isak smiles with relief, and Even finally takes a step closer.
“I’m sorry about the way we parted last time,” Isak says when they meet in the middle of the hallway. “I was stupid. The truth is, I’ve never felt like this before and it scared the shit out of me. But I’ve thought about it — a lot — and I wonder if you…” he nervously clears his throat. “What would you say about giving me another shot?”
“What happened to making promises you won’t keep?”
“I think…” Isak takes a deep breath in. “For you I think I want to try. Do you?”
“Yeah.” Too overwhelmed to properly express how he’s feeling, how he’s yearned for this, Even only reaches out and takes Isak’s hand in his own, his fingertips tingling at the contact of Isak’s skin. Isak smiles again, a light blush colouring his cheeks when he looks down at their joined hands.
“I’m sorry too, about the way I reacted that day,” Even murmurs. “I wasn’t fair to you.”
“Thank you.” Isak slowly nods.
“How long are you gonna be in Oslo?”
“Um…” Isak’s fingers nervously tighten around Even’s hand at his question.
He figures that Isak probably doesn’t have a lot to offer him, maybe just a few days, or even only a couple of nights before going back to Trondheim or wherever he’s planning to go now that he’s graduated. Isak must think he’s about to disappoint him, but Even is willing to take anything he’ll give him, if Isak really meant it when he said he wanted to try. Give them a shot.
“Indefinitely,” Isak finally answers, nervously frowning in the silence that follows. “How do you feel about that?”
“It’s, um… it’s cool.”
“Yeah?” Isak asks with a hopefulness that makes Even’s heart swell.
“Yes! It’s great.”
“Great.”
They laugh in unison, and Even finally takes the last step remaining between them to press his lips to Isak’s. This feels like a new very first kiss, and once again, Even has never felt anything like it.
“Had you been waiting long?” He asks when they part, lips numb from their kisses and cheeks tense with smiles he doesn’t even try to contain.
“Nah, like 5 minutes.” Isak shrugs, eyes sparkling when Even bursts out laughing at his obvious lie.
“Can’t believe you came lurking at my place,” he teases him. “Feels a bit stalkery to be honest.”
“I’m a stalker?” Isak scoffs, Even getting a delicious sensation of déjà vu. “You’re the one who’s obsessed with me. I mean, harassing my friends in bars to ask about me? What d’you call that?”
“Eskild told you?”
“Yeah.” Isak smiles. “I don’t think I would have dared to come otherwise. I didn’t think you’d want to see me again after last time. But then Eskild called to tell me he met you and that you asked about me. He insisted you didn’t seem mad at me and I would be an idiot if I moved back to Oslo and didn’t “try to get the insanely hot man of my dreams back”.” Even cocks a teasing eyebrow at Isak who hurries to clarify: “His words, not mine.”
“Uh-huh, sure.” Even smirks, delighted to get one of Isak's eyerolls in return.
“So yeah, anyway… I thought maybe he had a point and, um, here I am.”
“I should thank him, then. How about sex on the beach to show my appreciation?”
“Idiot!” Isak gives him a playful shove.
“Fuck, I can't believe you're here,” Even chuckles before kissing Isak breathless again.
When they part, Isak gently presses their forehead together and murmurs in the intimacy of their embrace, “I don’t really know how to do this…”
"Make out? You've been doing a pretty good job so far."
"Shut up,” Isak grunts. “You know what I mean."
“Don’t worry, we’re gonna do things my way this time.”
“Oh yeah?” Isak pulls back, cocking an eyebrow at him. “And what does that mean?”
“Well, first we’re gonna go up to my place and we’re gonna fuck our brains out because I’ve really been missing you like crazy and just holding you in my arms is driving me fucking insane.”
Isak laughs and gives him a deep long kiss that has Even almost completely forgetting about what he was saying until Isak detaches their lips and answers, "Okay, I'm down with that. Then what?"
“Then, I’m gonna take your number and we’re gonna plan our first date.”
“Oh, so you’re that confident there are gonna be more?”
“Uh… yeah!” Even huffs out. “Dude, I’m gonna date you so hard, you have no idea what’s coming.”
“Try me.”