Archive of Our Own ^beta

It was the third sleepless day in a row that Encino’s very own Patchy the Pirate had been binging on Meth while playing Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl. Well, he was the only one who referred to himself as “Patchy the Pirate”. The Encino locals better knew him as “that weird Meth Head who dresses up as a pirate and lowers everyone's property value”. 

Uhh, anyway… 

The sleep deprivation and lack of any real food that wasn’t just Nickelodeon brand fruit snacks had taken quite the toll on the Meth Head’s already destroyed mental state. Not that this mattered to Patchy though, as his game and Meth were more than enough to keep him joyfully distracted from his life-threateningly serious health issues. 

“Ohh ho hooo!!! I’m kicking Danny Phantoms' butt!!! Are you watching this, Potty the Parrot?!?!”

Potty didn’t respond, as he was just a seagull that Patchy had stolen from a grocery store parking lot. However, the seagull did take a bird shit while eating some of Patchy’s fruit snacks. 

“HEY!!!” Patchy shot up and began swinging at the seagull with his controller. “I told you to stop eating those!”

The seagull moved out of the way and began flying all around the rundown pop-up camper. This was nothing new, as the seagull had attempted to escape many times before. Hell, this wasn’t even the first time Patchy had tried to beat the bird for various Meth-fueled reasons. 

“Get back here you ungrateful Parrot!” 

“Huoh! Huoh!” The seagull squawked. 

Though to Patchy, it sounded like- ‘HA! HA!’ 

“Stop laughing at me!!!” 

Patty swung his controller through the air by its cord in an attempt to knock “Potty” out of the air. He missed and instead shattered a glass of drain cleaner that was connected to his Meth lab… Which almost instantaneously caused said Meth lab to go up in flames.

“GRRRRRRR!!! Darnit Potty, look what you’ve done now!!!”

Patchy continued his attempted assault, completely ignoring the Meth fire now spreading at the speed of a tweaker through his camper. It spread so quickly in fact that the smoke blinded him and filled his lungs with dirty Meth fumes. This did nothing to stop the Pirate’s rage, and in fact, just threw him into a state of ballistic Meth fury. 

“I'VE PUT UP WITH YOUR CRAP FOR TOO LONG NOW!!! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG THAT NICKELODEON FUNNY WHITE POWDER LAB TOOK TO BUILD?!?!?!” 

Little did Patchy know, the seagull had managed to escape through one of the many holes burned in the soft parts of the trailer. He would fail to notice this, as the dirty Meth smoke caused him to hallucinate the “real” Potty flying around, 

“SQUAWK!!! You can’t catch me loser!!!” 

“I AM NOT A LOSER!!!” Patchy picked up a red hot knife, which he was too Methed out to feel it burning his skin. “I HAVE A 65% win rate in Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl!!!”

Patchy, in his Methed-out mind at least, stabbed Potty through his wing and impaled him onto the camper door. This did nothing to affect hallucinated Potty.

“SQUAWK!!! You’re only good in casual! You haven't won a single match in ranked!” 

“SHUT UP!!!”

Patchy tackled Potty through the door… Which meant he just slammed himself through the door. 

Now outside, Patchy fell to the ground. The semi-cool air mixed with the ability to once again breathe filled him with a nearly euphoric sense of relief. He wouldn’t have long to process any of this though, as the fresh oxygen did nothing to counter the hallucinogenic dirty Meth smoke that had overtaken his mind. 

“Dahahahaha! Great tackle Patchy! But You have to get up!” An enthusiastically familiar voice called out to him. “I’ve come to deliver goooooood news!” 

Patchy shot up to his feet, immediately recognizing the voice. “S-Spongebob?!?!”

Hallucinated Spongebob stood on the other side of the road. He looked fully animated and had that big trademarked smile on his face. 

“Yes, Patchy the Pirate! I have some amaaaazing news!” Spongebob blew a big bubble that read ‘CONGRATULATIONS!!!’. “You’ve been formally invited to join Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl!!!”

Patchy’s eyes lit up with pure concentrated Meth head joy. 

“OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY!!!” Patchy rushed up to hug Spongebob. “THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOOOOOU!!!!”

“Wait!” Spongebob yelled out, stopping Patchy’s sprint. “We can celebrate later! Your first match starts right now!” 

Patchy froze up for a moment, before looking around in every direction. And When I say every direction, I mean EVERY direction. 

“N-Now!?” Patchy asked while looking up into the sky. “Who’s my first opponent?! Where are they?! Are we fighting here or-”

Patchy looked to his right and saw a guy rushing up to him. The guy was a concerned neighbor that simply came out to check on the Methed-out pirate man. 

“Holy shit man! Are you ok!? Need me to call an ambulance?!” 

Unforchinitly for him, Patchy’s Methed-out mind saw and heard something ENTIRELY different. 

“I hope you’re ready for this, Patchy the Pirate!” Hallucinated Danny Phantom smirked. “Because you’re going to need an ambulance after I’m done with you!” 

Patchy went into an exaggerated tweaker fighting stance. “Oh yeah?! Well, I’m gonna send YOU to the ghost zone!”

“...Wh- Wha-”

Patchy socked the guy in the nose, breaking it and knocking him on his back. The guy in response clenched his busted nose with both hands while attempting to cower away. The look of horror in his eyes only showed up as slight surprise on Danny’s hallucinated face, which made Patchy think Danny had underestimated him. 

“Ha!!! You sure talked a big game, but you’re no match for a PIRATE!!!”

The guy didn’t respond, but Hallucinated Danny did. 

“Pfff! That’s it?! Tucker could punch harder than that!” 

“I’m just getting started, Ghost Boy!”

Patchy unleashed a tweaker barrage of steel-toed boot kicks. All the while, many of the other people on the street who walked outside to check out the fire were watching on in shock from their porches. Some children were even watching through their windows, finally understanding why their parents told them to avoid the “funny pirate guy”.

“Dahahahaha!!!” Hallucinated Spongebob cackled. “Great job Patchy! Now finish him off!” 

“Will do, Spongebob!!!” 

Patchy brought his barrage of kicks to a halt and kneeled down next to the guy’s head. He was already knocked out, but Hallucinated Danny was still conscious. 

“You got lucky this time, Pirate…”

“No, I’m just a better All-Star than you!” Patchy strangled him. “Even Spongebob thinks so!” 

As Patchy was finishing off the already-finished off man, a little girl walked out of her house and up to her dad. 

“Daddy, why is that pirate yelling about Spongebob?” 

“J-Just go inside, sweety. You shouldn’t be watching this.” 

The girl didn’t listen and continued to watch. The dad was too distracted to notice since he was more worried about who the Meth Head would attack next. He wouldn’t have to wait long, as Patchy released his Meth tight grip on the guy. 

“Great work Patchy!” Spongebob happily congratulated. “You won your first match!” 

Patchy happily jumped up and did a jiggy jig dance. Well, it looked more like a tweaker shake, but he was happy regardless. 

“WOOOOOOOO!!!” Patchy took his pants off to celebrate. “Who’s my next opponent?!” 

Upon hearing this, everyone watching on rushed back into their homes. Especially the little girl, who knew to fear adults that took their pants off in public. 

“Dahahahaha!!! It fills me with more joy than Jellyfishing to hear how enthusiastic you are to fight!” 

“You got that right, Spongebob! Everyone will know I’M the true Nickelodeon All-Star!!!” 

Just as Spongebob was about to tell Patchy who he would be fighting next, a fire truck pulled up. Fire Fighters, who Patchy pictured as various Nicktoon characters who didn’t make it into All-Star Brawl, got out and got to work putting the fire out. One of them, who Patchy hallucinated to see as Doug, from Doug, rushed up to the guy Patchy had knocked out and immediately began tending to him.

“Jesus Christ, what happened to this guy?”

Patchy, again, heard something completely different.

“Jesus Christ, I can’t believe they let YOU into All-Star Brawl before me!” 

“Why would they let a pipsqueak like YOU in?!” 

Patchy kicked the poor Fire Fighter in the face, knocking him out in an instant. The other Fire Fighters were too focused on the fire to notice. 

“Dahahahaha!!! One hit knock out!” Spongebob looked at the firetruck. “Well with him dealt with, hop in that truck for a racing mini-game!” 

“Racing mini-game?” Patchy asked, quite puzzled. “But Nickelodeon All-Star Brawl doesn’t have mini-games.”

“Well, I decided that it SHOULD!” Spongebob declared, sounding much more angry than usual. “Now get in there before the other rejected Nicktoons notice!” 

Patchy was stunned by Spongebob’s sudden hostility. Though, he just figured the Big Sponge was pushing him to make the best impression possible. 

“Can do Mr. Squarepants!!!” 

Patchy made a tweaker dash towards the Fire Truck, immediately hopping in and slamming the door shut. This caught the attention of the other Fire Fighters. Before any of them could fully comprehend the strange sight of a Methed-out Pirate guy sitting in their truck, Patchy floored it. 

It took a moment for the truck to accelerate, giving the Fire Fighters just enough time to attempt a retrieval. One of them, who Patchy saw as Jimmy Neutron, made it close enough to try and open the door. Patchy wouldn’t allow those “bitter and jealous Nicktoons” to stop him from playing the mini-game. 

“Back off Brainiac! You had your shot, and lost it to your dad!” 

Patchy swung the truck door open with full Meth head force, slamming the firefighter’s jaw. Blood gushed from his mouth as a few of his teeth went flying out. As the other firefighters quickly shifted their attention to helping their friend, Patchy simply saw a bunch of rejects comforting Jimmy as he cried in defeat. 

“That’s right you losers! I’ve already won three battles, and I’m just getting started!”

Patchy slammed the door shut as the truck accelerated enough to take off down the road. Once he was out of sight of those “Nicktoons”, the Methed-out Pirate took a moment to slow down a little and appreciate how great he was doing so far. Though, a thought-provoking question would soon cross his mind.

Wait, when does the mini-game start?

“Dahahaha! You’re playing it right now!” 

Spongebob’s sudden cheerful voice nearly caused Patchy to jump out of his skin. After looking around for a moment, he noticed The Big Sponge sitting in the passenger seat. 

“Ohh uhh, hey Spongebob! Didn’t see you… Wait, how did you know what I was thinking?” 

“Dahahahah!!! Now’s not the time for such silly questions! You have a mini-game to win!”

“Ohh… But what am I supposed to be doing?” 

“Isn’t it obvious?” Spongebob asked, pointing forward towards the road. “It’s a racing mini-game!”

Patchy looked back towards the road, and noticed a few cars seemingly driving like normal… But upon further inspection, he realized they were all Nicktoons.

“Of course! It all makes sense now!”

Patchy once again floored it, ramming two of the cars off the road. The other drivers who witnessed the sudden destruction either swerved off the road or desperately sped away. 

“Dahahahaha!!! You’re good at this!” 

“Thanks, Spongebob! Means a lot coming from you!” 

Patchy continued down his path of destruction. Any drivers that didn’t think to get out of his way were swiftly ran off the road. As more and more cars were destroyed, Spongebob laughed harder and harder, before suddenly stopping. 

“You’re almost theeeeeeeere!” Spongebob sang while pointing toward an upcoming mall. “The finish line is located through the entrance doors! Hurry, and you might get a high score!!!”

“Say no more!”

Patchy took a sharp turn into the parking lot of the mall, nearly tipping the Fire Truck on its side in the process.  After a quick recovery, Patchy would make a straight shot toward the main entrance of the mall. Many more cars would be destroyed in the process, along with a few bystanders who weren’t quick enough to get out of his way. Though to Patchy, they were just random background fish from Spongebob’s show. 

Soon, Patchy would reach the “finish line”. Not holding back, the Methed-out pirate pushed the truck to its limits as it crashed through the glass doors. People scattered and panicked all around as the truck barreled uncontrollably through the food court. 

“Want me to stop? I already crossed the finish line.” Patchy asked while wrecking the indoor merry-go-round.

“Naaa keep going! You’ll get bonus points for everything you destroy!” Spongebob eyed a pillar. “Especially THOOOOOSE! They give MEGA bonus points!”

“Really?! Wow, I might even get THE high score!”

After busting through said pillar, Patchy drove deeper into the mall in search of more “Mega Bonus Points”. Along the way, he would take out anything and anyone that happened to be in the way of him attaining the high score. Of course, the firetruck gradually took more and more damage with everything he hit, and would finally die after the 12th pillar was destroyed. 

“Aww darn it!” Patchy Meth raged, punching the windshield until it cracked. “I was on a roll!”

“Hey, don’t be so hard on yourself!” Spongebob comforted while putting his arm around him. “This was only a mini-game. It had to end at some point.” 

Patchy smiled while rubbing his now bruised hand. “Yeah, you’re right. I should be focusing more on my next fight anyway.”

“That’s the spirit! Now go out there and win another battle!” 

Patchy went to open the door, but an obvious thought immediately crossed his mind. “Wait, who am I fighting?”

“Hmhehehehe… It’s a surprise. You have to go out there and find them first.” 

“Find them? *gasp* OHHHHHHH!!! Just like how you have to ‘find’ an opponent in the game!”

Spongebob gave a proud, almost father-like smile. “You’re learning so fast! I knew bringing you on was the best idea ever! 

Hearing this nearly brought Patchy to tears. “Th-Thank you Spongebob! I won’t let you down!!”

Patchy opened his door, only to immediately be met with the sounds of distressful screams and ear-piercing cries of anguish. Stepping out, he watched on as panicked “fish people” run in all directions as the mall itself was slowly beginning to collapse. The Methed-out Pirate was stunned by the carnage. 

“Wow… This stage looks sooooo fun!!!”

Patchy took another moment to watch the “awesome” gimmicks that the “stage” had to offer. This wouldn’t last long, as the sight of some “fish people” being crushed by ceiling debris took him out of his trance. 

“Uh oh! Looks like standing still is a BAD idea on this stage! I better get moving!” 

Patchy ran towards a nearby escalator and ascended it. There were people on there, so he simply knocked them off using his Pirate (Meth) strength. After all, they were nothing more than stage NPCs to him.

Once making it to the top, Patchy immediately noticed a panicked mother franticly running while holding a baby in her arms. She attempted to run past the weird pantsless man dressed as a Pirate, but he wouldn’t let her. 

“Wh-Why are you stopping me!? Please let me and my child escape!” 

Of course, Patchy didn’t see a mother and her child, nor did he hear her desperate plea. No, instead he saw Jenny XJ9 and Tommy Pickles.

“WOOOOOW!! They let YOU in?!” Hallucinated XJ9 mocked. “I bet Tommy could throw you out of the stage without even trying!” 

Patchy began shaking with Pirate (Meth) rage. “Oh yeah!?!? Well, let's see who throws WHO off the stage!!!!!”

Patchy grabbed the baby and chucked him over the railing. The mother screamed as she watched her child nearly hit the first story floor, all while the Methed out Pirate laughed beside her. Fortunately, a random man ran and caught the infant just in time… But Patchy didn’t see a random man, he saw…

“*gasp* Nigel Thornberry!!!”

He watched in pants shitting… Underwear shitting fear as “Nigel” comforted “Tommy”. Never before had Patchy been able to beat a Nigel player in a fight, and now there stood the REAL Nigel Thornberry (in his mind). It all made sense to the Pirate why Spongebob didn’t tell him who he was fighting. This was clearly a test. Not just a test of power or skill, but of bravery. Patchy knew that if he could finally defeat Nigel, then no challenge could ever stop him.

“NIGEL!!! You may have beaten me 30 times!” Patchy growled like a rabid animal while jumping down below in an attempt to perform the most powerful face kick ever. “BUT YOU WILL NEVER BEAT ME 31 TIIIIIMES!!!!!!!!”

Patchy completely missed and broke his legs upon hitting the floor. 

“OOOOOHHHHHAAAAAHHHHHH!!! WHEN DID THEY ADD FALL DAMAGE?!?!?!”

“Dahahahahahahahaha!!!!!” Hallucinated Spongebob laughed while walking up to Patchy. “I pulled a few strings to have it added in!”

“But… But why Spongebob?! Why wouldn’t you tell me before letting me run around such a large two-story stage?!?!?!?”

“Well, Patchy, it’s because I knew you would perform your super powerful high drop attack, and I needed you as vulnerable as possible!”

“V-Vulnerable!? Why?!?! How am I supposed to fight Nigel like this?! Look at me! I can’t move my legs!!!”

“Dahahahaha!!! Don’t you get it? You’re not fighting Nigel!” Spongebob began explaining while putting his Karate gloves on. “You’re fighting ME!!!”

Spongebob let out one final “OLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOOOOOOOO” before unleashing a spongy barrage of Karate chops on Patchy. 

“Ow OW!” *chop* “Noooo!!!” *chop* “Why Spongebob!?” *chop* *chop* “WHHHHAHAHAHAHYYYYY?!?!?”

To Patchy, this was the worst betrayal and beating he had ever experienced… But to all the people evacuating the collapsing mall, he just looked like a crazed pantless pirate dressed Meth Head head having a psychotic breakdown while screaming at a non-existing Spongebob. 

“Dahahahahaha!!!!” *chop* “Don’t worry Patchy!” *chop* “This won't take long!” 

The apocalyptic sounds of the mall finally collapsing entirely caused both of them to look up as the ceiling came crashing down. Patchy was understandably horrified, but Spongebob was more enthusiastic than ever. 

“In fact, Patchy the silly dumb Pirate, it looks like I’ve already won! Dahahaha!!!”

Spongebob ran off while laughing, leaving Patchy broken and helpless on the floor.

“Nooo!! NOOOOOO!!! I can’t lose because of a stage hazaaaaard!!! Not like this! NOT LIKE TH-”

With the smash crash and crushing from tons of debris, Patchy the Pirate would meet his end… The last thing he would ever hear while rapidly dying under all that rubble was the deceptively light-hearted sound of Spongebob’s trademarked laughter.