Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Part the second of my rarepair oneshots. Because I don't like the tag limits!

Not currently taking requests as I already have a big list. Sorry about that!

Table of Contents:

1. Table of Contents
2. Rebuilding - Puffy/Niki, G
3. Hide and Seek - Fundy (&/) Cat Maid Hbomb94, Fundy & Philza, T
4. The Wedding That Was Never Meant To Be - Quackity/Eret, T

Chapter Text

"Puffy?"

Puffy froze with her hand in the materials chest. She hadn't spoken to Niki since -- god, how long had it been? Since Doomsday? Surely not...

"What are you doing here?"

Puffy spun to face Niki, coat flaring around her, and leaned back against the chest. Just act casual. That was it.

Casual about stealing Niki's stuff. Specifically stealing netherite. For Tommy. Yeah, Puffy had a feeling Niki's generosity wouldn't extend that far.

"I uh..." Puffy cleared her throat. It wasn't easy to lie to those eyes. "I brought you flowers."

She produced a single, slightly crumpled daisy from an inner pocket, and held it out with a flourish. She meant to be smooth, but an awkward blush gave her away.

"Thank you," Niki said. She took the flower. Their fingers brushed. She wasn't wearing the ring, Puffy noticed, but neither was she. Her ring was in her ender chest, where no one would be able to take or destroy it.

"Do...you like it?" Puffy asked. "I saw your path...It was pretty. And I remembered the uh, flowers. You always liked them."

"You used to like them too," Niki said softly.

Puffy swallowed. "I still do." She scuffed her boot on the ground. "Kind of surprised you're living underground now. All the flowers are on the surface in Kinoko Kingdom."

Niki rolled her eyes slightly at the mention of Kinoko Kingdom. "Yes. But I wanted this place to be more like...a shelter. Being out in the open, it didn't feel..." She sighed. "It doesn't feel as safe anymore. You know?"

Puffy wanted to ask her so many questions. Instead she asked, "Yeah, I get that. So can I have some extra stuff? Sorry -- "

"No, no, it's free," Niki said with a slight smile. "Anyone can use this stuff." 

"Anyone?" Puffy echoed. "Really? Anyone? So like if I was getting materials for someone else, hypothetically...?"

"Yeah, sure," Niki said. "What are you working on?"

"Just...stuff," Puffy said. She waved a dismissive hand. The not-technically-stolen netherite was burning a hole in her pocket. "Do you need any help? With this?"

"Oh," Niki said, surprised. Her eyes widened. They looked dark in her pale face, paler from days underground. "I...sure. If you want to."

"Yeah," Puffy said quickly. "I can pay you back a little at least."

"It's OK," Niki said. "You don't have to. Don't feel obligated to come around just to help me -- "

"I want to," Puffy protested. "I want to help. I want to -- " She crossed her arms and wished her face didn't get so red when she was embarrassed. "Sorry. Uh. I just want to, you know, spend more time with you, after...after everything."

"Oh." Niki blinked. "Um...yeah. That -- that would be nice. I hardly see you anymore. I think the last time we talked was..."

She trailed off, probably coming to the same conclusion Puffy had. 

"Yeah," Puffy drawled, dragging the word out to emphasize the awkwardness. "That whole thing. But -- no hard feelings. Right?""

Niki absentmindedly stroked the petals of the daisy. "It's OK," she said. "No hard feelings."

"Great! Good. Well. I have to go now," Puffy said. "I'll uh, I'll see you? Later?"

"Sure." A tentative smile touched Niki's lips.

"I'll get you some more flowers," Puffy promised. She sidled out of the room. Act casual. "It's so gray in here."

"Aren't you colorblind?"

Puffy spluttered. "OK, damn."

Niki giggled. "Sorry, I'm sorry."

"Unbelievable," Puffy grumbled, but she was smiling. 

Chapter Text

"Oh Master Fundyyyyy!"

Fundy stopped dead in his tracks, freezing behind a berry bush. That voice was far too close for comfort. He thought that ordering Catmaid Hbomb to clean the brewing stands would at least give him a five-minute head start.

"Master Fundy! Where did you go? Master?...Oh, are we playing a game?"

The voice was off to his right. Fundy scooted around the berry bush for more cover.

"Is it hide and seek!? I love hide and seek!"

The annoying catmaid was getting closer to his hiding spot. Fundy threw a rock into the trees and ran in the opposite direction.

"What's that -- Oh, Master! You can't fool me that easily, Master!"

How does he do that annoying singsong voice while running?! Fundy thought. "I'm just, uh, exercising," he called over his shoulder. "No need to follow me!"

But of course the maid didn't listen. "Are you doing roleplay? Let's roleplay! You're the runner and I'm the hunter!" A joyful cackle burst from the catmaid's whiskered face. "C'MEEEERE FUNDYYYYYY!"

"LEAVE! ME! ALONE!"

"DU-DU-DU-DU!"

"GO AWAY!"

"Oh, you always play so hard to get, Master!"

"That's because I want to get away from you!"

"I'm catching up! Master, I'm getting closer! I'm close, I'm so close, Master! I'm coming to get you! I'm coming for you, Master, I'm cominggggggg!"

"Stop saying it like that!" 

Maidbomb pounced, knocking Fundy flat on his face. Sharp claws pinched him through his shirt. "Ow!"

"I got you, Master," Catmaid H purred. "Under me, just how you like it!"

Fundy pushed himself up on his arms, throwing off Hbomb and standing. "I do not know what you are talking about."

"You're it! You're it now!"

"I'm not -- " Fundy paused. "Actually, that's a great idea, H. You start running and I'll definitely follow you."

"Yay!" With that, his pesky employee shot off in the other direction. Fundy watched him jump up onto a roof and scale a tree. Taking advantage of the distraction, Fundy whirled around and began running back toward his base. He had chests to move, stuff to organize, and a whole new place to set up. All of which had been taking forever thanks to the "help" of Catmaid Hbomb.

"Master!" H called, his voice fading into the distance. "Master, you're running the wrong way!"

Fundy practically leaped up the stairs to his tower. He started a dump chest for all the stuff he didn't want to take with him. Extra dirt, some empty glass bottles, a few sticks he wouldn't need...He had originally hired Maidbomb to help because he wouldn't be able to transport his entire inventory south by himself. But the inconvenience of a dozen trips out there was starting to look good compared to the services of his "assistant."

A plaintive meow drifted toward him on the wind. Fundy ignored it.

There was another meow.

And another.

Then came a yowl of distress that seemed to go on for a whole minute. "OOOWoowowowwwwwwwwooooowwwww!"

"Jesus Christ!" Fundy swore, slamming the lid of the chest shut. He stomped outside. "WHAT DO YOU WANT? WHAT IS THAT NOISE?" he shouted in Hbomb's general direction.

"Master Fundy," Caitmaid Hbomb whined. "Master, I climbed the tree and can't get down!"

"You have got to be kidding me," Fundy muttered.

"I'm stuck!" the catmaid cried. "I'm stuck, Master! Help!"

"Oh my god." Fundy marched angrily towards Hbomb's tree, ignoring his mews of distress. H was perched at the very top of the tree, his arms wrapped around the trunk and his tail swishing for balance as the tree swayed. "What am I supposed to do? I am not the fire department! You're a cat, can't you climb down?"

"I tried," H sniffled. "But I'm stuck. I need a stepbro."

"No, nope, nope, we are not doing that," Fundy said. "Just jump! Cats always land on their feet."

"I'm a cat maid," H said. "I'm scared! I need you to save me!"

"You are the most useless..." Fundy trailed off, muttering to himself. "Just stay there, OK? I'll get someone to help." He pulled out his communicator.

"Are you calling your stepbro?"

"No." Fundy typed out a message. Pls help me, it's urgent I need you.

He waited. Part of him was scared that Phil would just ignore the message. Phil claimed he cared -- but he lived so far away, and it wasn't like he was making a huge effort to be close with his grandson. It was like Fundy reminded Phil of what he'd done. His grandfather often seemed uncomfortable around him, like the guilt was sharper in the presence of the son he'd robbed of a father. Fundy had no qualms using that sense of guilt today to get Phil's help.

His communicator beeped. Fundy's heart jumped with excitement. Where are you? Are you safe?

Phil wanted to know if he was safe. He cared. Near tower base, Fundy typed. I'm not hurt just need help. After a second's consideration, he added, Good to know I can count on you! See you soon!

"Help's coming," he told Hbomb, shoving his communicator in his pocket. The stuck catmaid hadn't stopped yowling. "You can shut up now."

"Why don't you come up here and make me!"

"If only I could make you shut up," Fundy muttered. "Phil's on his way. You'll be fine."

"Phil? Philza?" Hbomb's ears perked up. "Wow, what an honor! Philza Minecraft himself is going to be my stepbro!"

"That's not -- it's not -- just shut up!" Fundy shouted, his ears going red. "I'm going to pack!"

He stomped back over to the tower and resolutely returned to sorting his chests. He kept checking over his shoulder every few minutes, waiting for Phil to appear. He hadn't seen his grandfather in...how long had it been? A while. Fundy had to admit, very quietly to himself, that he was grateful to Catmaid Hbomb for giving him an excuse to call for Phil's help. And therefore an excuse to see Phil. Sure he could just visit, but Phil lived with Techno. Ranboo, too. Fundy didn't know how well those two would respond to seeing him show up at Phil's house. Even though he had every right to visit his grandfather, didn't he? 

"Fundy? You all right, mate?"

Fundy spun around, a smile lighting up his face. The sound of Hbomb meowing in the background faded from his mind, as did all his worries about his place in his grandfather's life. "Phil! You came!"

"Of course I came," Phil said, a slightly puzzled smile lifting one corner of his mouth. "You can call me anytime, Fundy, you know that, right?"

"Yeah, yeah, of course, of course," Fundy said. "Thanks, Phil. Good to see you again, man."

"You too," Phil said. "So what did you need? Are you moving?"

"Well -- yes," Fundy said. "But...that's not what I need help with. It's more..." He paused. A plaintive meow drifted towards them. "...a problem with an employee. He's -- stuck. In a tree. And can't get down."

Phil frowned. "Huh?"

"Look, I'll just -- I'll just show you," Fundy said hastily, brushing past Phil as he scurried from the tower. If he explained to Phil now, Phil might leave, like any sane person would. If he brought Phil to the problem maid, surely Phil would have to help. "Follow me!"

It didn't take long to reach the base of the tree, and it didn't take long for Philza to realize what Fundy's "problem" was. "Oh, Fundy," he said, slowing down the closer they came to the tree. "It's this motherfucker again?"

"Look, I hired him to help me move!" Fundy protested. "That's all! I swear! It's nothing more than that!"

"Then why is he up a tree?!"

"Cats climb trees," Hbomb called down. Phil and Fundy looked up. "We were playing hide and seek, and I hid up the tree. Now I'm stuck. I need a big, strong Master to -- "

"All right, all right!" Phil said hastily. "Fuck's sake. I'll get you down."

"Thank you, Master Philza!"

"Just call me Phil."

Fundy watched from a safe distance as Phil "rescued" the trapped catmaid, climbing quickly up the tree and hoisting Hbomb in his arms. H wrapped his arms, legs, and tail around Phil and squeaked in terror as Phil downed a potion of slow falling and leaped from the top of the tree. Gently, almost regally -- as regally as he could be, considering the situation -- Phil floated to the ground. He deposited Catmaid Hbomb at Fundy's feet. 

"Oh, thank you, Master, thank you!" Hbomb said. "You're so strong and brave, Master Philza! You saved me!"

"I was doing my grandson a favor," Phil grumbled. "That's all. Fundy, you got him from here?"

"I guess," Fundy sighed. "All right, H, come on, make yourself useful. We still have all this stuff to move."

"Actually -- " Philza hesitated, then sighed. "I'll help you two. Third set of hands should make it go pretty quick, yeah?"

Fundy's heart swelled with joy, and his face broke into a grin. "Really?"

"Really." Phil nodded to Hbomb. "Otherwise you won't get anything done for another week."

"I'm very efficient, I'll have you know," Hbomb sniffed. "I always finish really fast."

"Gods," Phil groaned. He spared Fundy a small smile. Fundy wanted to hug him. "All right, let's get to it. Where are you moving?"

"Just a little place I have, out by the water."

"You know..." Phil rubbed the back of his neck. "If you need somewhere to stay...I've got room 'round my place. Doesn't have to be permanent, but...at least til you're moved in, you know. Or, as long as you want."

"Oh! Can I come? Can I come too? Do you need a maid there, Master Phil?" Hbomb's eyes shone and his whiskers twitched with excitement. "Anything for the man who rescued me!"

"No."

"Really?" Fundy said. He didn't dare hope. Plus, what would Ranboo and Techno say? How would they feel about him moving in? What about his plans for a new base? "I mean -- just for a little while? Until I move into my new place. That's all."

"Yeah, sure, mate," Phil said. "As long as you want."

"OK!" Fundy could have kissed Hbomb. Who knew the pesky maidservant would have been so useful with his useless antics? "OK! Thank you! I'll -- I'll -- I'll get started right away! Let me think -- what do I need now? I know -- "

He darted off towards his tower. Phil and Hbomb followed at a slower pace. Hbomb sniffed at Phil's robes. "What the fuck?" Phil muttered.

"You smell like bird," Hbomb said. "Makes me want to chase you."

"Please don't."

"Oh, we could play tag!"

"No."

"Aw, come on!"

"Your respawn bed better be nearby."

"Why? Do you want to visit my bed, Master Philza?"

[Hbomb94 was slain by Ph1lza using Morning Wood]

Chapter Text

Villains didn't get happy endings.

Villains didn't deserve love, or happiness, or a reward for all their evil deeds. Traitors were a special kind of low even among the villains of this world. His reward was the crown he'd bought with mass murder, and that was more than enough.

So Eret was a villain. He didn't deserve any of this.

Certainly he didn't earn the shining admiration in Quackity's dark eyes, the smile that lit his face or the laughter that burst from him at Eret's weak attempts at humor. Eret wasn't the person Quackity should have trusted with late night bosom talk, the whispers of his secret ambitions, the sketches of his huge dreams for the future. Visions that he painted so clear in the darkness between them of a night, that Eret could see the flashing neon lights. Quackity's will was strong enough to shape the slivers of future that sometimes came to Eret in his dreams.

Eret had destroyed one dream of a special place. It didn't make sense for Quackity to entrust him with the dream for another one.

It didn't make sense for Quackity to love him. He didn't deserve it.

But this, love, was not about what Eret deserved. It was about what he wanted, what Quackity wanted.

And maybe love wasn't about deserving, anyway. It didn't have to make sense. What did the poets say? Love looks not with the eyes, but with the mind, and therefore is winged Cupid painted blind. 

The night Quackity had proposed, Eret's white eyes had glistened brighter than ever with the sheen of tears. "Fuck, man, I don't care what you've done," Quackity had told him. "You can backstab every other motherfucker in the world, as long as you don't betray me. I'm yours. And you're mine."

Eret might be a villain, but he would spend the rest of his life in atonement as long as he got to spend it with Quackity.

Flowers and banners adorned the grand hall, but Eret only had eyes for his groom. Quackity had chosen a deep red suit; Eret was draped in a wine-colored dress of luxuriant velvet. He was no innocent bride, to be wearing white. Red was the color of this ceremony.

But neither was he the only villain in attendance. Dream himself officiated, unmasked for the ceremony, bright green eyes crinkled at the corners and calculating. Probably scheming -- and loving every second of it. George, the best man for Quackity, smothered a yawn with his hand; Sapnap, his hair slicked back over his horns; Technoblade, resplendent in a red cape and ceremonial leather armor; Schlatt in a well-fitted suit and red tie...and of course Eret and Quackity. Quite the gathering of villains.

"You may kiss," Dream said. Quackity reached up and Eret leaned down, arms wrapping around each other and lips meeting -- first sweet, then fierce. Schlatt whistled raucously. They broke apart with a laugh, then swung each other around in a joyous circle and kissed again.

The wedding reception and dance passed in a blur. Eret half-expected to fight off wedding crashers, or discover a bomb beneath the floorboards. He had plenty of enemies who, he was sure, hated seeing the villain get his happy ending. But either security was good enough or the L'Manburg crew were too afraid to try anything, because the evening passed peacefully.

Well into the night's festivities, Quackity slipped a discreet hand beneath the table to rest on Eret's thigh. Eret took it in one of his own, shooting his new husband a sly sideways smile. "Ready to get out of here, love?" he murmured.

Quackity's cheeks went a little pink, desire darkening his gaze. "If you are."

Eret chuckled, then raised their clasped hands to kiss Quackity's fingers one by one. "Let's go, then."

Cheers, hoots, and raucous hollers chased them out of the banquet hall. Their guests, well and drunk by now and enamored with the spirit of romance, urged them to go on and get laid already. Quackity laughed and blushed, uncharacteristically bashful, and it made Eret smile to see him so shy. At the door to the hall, he scooped Quackity into his arms -- eliciting a shriek from his husband and a cheer from the crowd. Eret swept grandly over the threshold and carried Quackity to their room, to a king bed draped in curtains of red velvet, and bore him down into happiness.